You Are Being Unreasonable - 068 - In which we read Ayn Rand's Willy Wonka and the Fountainhead

Episode Date: March 26, 2020

"A little ten-year old boy is desperate to go to a toilet paper conference." We're social distancing this week for our first online livestreamed show! If you want to see our faces, you can watch the whole unedited stream at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pviWRPj6wjU In this week's episode, we receive some strange tickets and estimate the cash value of the golden tickets in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, we teach Masterchef presenters about the proper use of pronouns and imagine a new BBC show, Mastergrammarians, we teach children which British politicians are suitable to sing 'Happy Birthday' to and discuss stockpiling washing-your-hands, and we hear about a dream starring an ex with profound implications about our current global situation.

Good all I know, driving on drugs feels better when they're prescription. All I know, the world looks beautiful, the world looks so damn beautiful. I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think about I felt that day, when I felt the way that I do right now, right now. I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think about about that day. Welcome to You Are Being Unreasonable, a podcast about people being unreasonable,

on mumsnet.com with me, Hells. And me, Simon. Hey! So, we're doing a live show. Yep, here we are doing a live show from our living room. And I realise now that our pictures are super crooked, but I realised it after we'd already put the video on, and I didn't want the six of you that were really seeing my bum on the video

as I just shuffled paintings around. Yeah, hello. Avant-garde. This kind of video will be on there forever. Oh, no. Not like my bear bum. You're wearing bottoms? Yeah, I am wearing bottoms.

She's wearing bottoms. Great that I said that just as the chat popped up with my dad. I am wearing bottoms, as is Simon. But I've done some work trying to find some threads that are not about the current global crisis, because I don't think that is going to be good or funny or interesting. So what is Mum's Net like at the moment? Oh my word, it's a hellscape. If you think that all those people who crowded into, like, Victoria or

Richmond Parks earlier, should have just, like, stopped and spread out. That would have been good, yeah, don't go to the park. It's like that level of crowding with people just talking about the coronavirus, but all over, am I being unreasonable? And regular listeners will know, they've got their own board for the coronavirus. Yeah, we said that last week, right? But they're just all over, am I being unreasonable? And so, and a lot of them have got things that sound like they're probably not about the coronavirus.

And then you click in there and you're like, oh, it's the coronavirus. Iris. Like, I thought, you know, I followed the rules, I stayed at home, I thought it couldn't touch me, and yet, here it is. Should we have a crack at a speed round? Am I being unreasonable for poo stains to be left in your toilet at home? What? Yeah, reasonable.

Is that on the coronavirus buddy? Am I being unreasonable, is it normal for men to comment on attractive women so much? So much. So much. So much. Sounds like someone's at home with a man who they hadn't realised was a graded. prick. Just watching endless films.

She's a haughty. She's a naughty. Just looking out the window at people who aren't social distancing. Yeah, looking at people in Richmond Park. Hotty, naughty. And being unreasonable to ask what funny covenants you've got on your house. What funny covenants? I mean, we've got to find our entertainment where we can. What does that even mean, though?

Someone's been at home for upwards of five days, and they're just going through the deeds to their house and chuckling. because that's what there is to do. Am I being unreasonable, audible. Audible? The audiobook service are often sponsors podcasts. Yes. But not ours. Not ours.

No, it sounds great. It's a great way to listen to audiobooks on the go. No one's going to sponsor us if we do it for free. That's true. That sounds like some sort of slut shaming thing. It's not what I meant. Podcast shaming me. Podcast shaming you indeed.

Am I being unreasonable to wish someone would teach those bloody master chef presenters about the correct use of pronouns. Brackets, not in the least light-hearted. Uh-oh. If John Terode says, I want you to cook something delicious for Greg and I, once more, I will fling a fucking fondant at the telly. Goodness.

Goodness. I mean, so this is not in the least light-hearted. No, not even slightly. Should we be talking about it? It's a serious matter. This is very serious. You know, I think people are counting on us to talk about the big issues.

You know what I enjoy? I came on Mums there, and I was so desperate not to read about coronavirus that I opened a mum's net thread with pronouns in the title. I was going to say, yeah. Which was a bold move. And actually, it was fine. No one's been a turf at this juncture.

Great. John and I are going to rank your dishes and send them over to our guest judge. He him, Jay Rainer. See, but John and I is the correct use of pronouns. Yeah, so the problem is that John Thoreau talks about Greg and I. At the end of the sentence. Me and Greg. Greg and me.

Greg and me. Yeah, you always put yourself last. Right. But if you take away the other people, you use the word as you would if you were only talking about yourself. Right. So you would say, I want you to cook something delicious for me. You wouldn't say, I want you to cook something delicious for I. Because that sounds like you've got a proclamation about yourself that you've forgotten to do.

I, John Therode, have something to say. Yeah, that works. Whereas if you said me, John Trot doesn't work. Of all the things you could be mad about about Master Chef, I've never picked up on this one. No, there's a lot to be mad at Master Chef about. Like, a lot about Master Chef is super weird, but this is not one of the things that I've noticed. A conspiracy theory that John and Greg aren't in the room with the people cooking. I mean, I think that's your conspiracy theory.

I don't want to steal your thunder, that's what it is. It's not that I'm embarrassed by it, it's just that I really want to let you take ownership. It's from the way it's shot. It's like, they don't have... shots of people together. Like me and Hells are together right now on the screen. But in Master Chef, it would be a help. I'm going to cook duck because obviously I'm going to cook duck. And like the reaction shots are Greg doing that, nodding along. Yeah. And then Greg says, you're cooking duck. Yeah. So it seems like they could have a producer do the asking to the person. And then

Greg comes along and films his bits later. Yeah. I wonder what he's doing instead of being in the Well, he's under quarantine. He's at home. And his home is identical to the MasterChef's set. Yeah, he lives there. Like, he knows people have to work from home, but he hasn't understood that you don't need to take your entire workplace and replicate it in your house.

When they say they want to fling a fucking frondent at the telly, so have potato fondon or cake fondon? I don't know. Because they do potato fondants all the time on Master Chef. They do, to go with their duck. You have to go with a crispy duck rest. Hells the skin must be crispy. That is how John Terrault likes it.

John Terraud cannot emphasise this enough. I cannot emphasise it enough. So someone's come along and said, Cook something delicious for I, cook something delicious for me. Which one is correct. The same applies when adding in another person, which is what I just said.

And if I came across that insufferable, like, just all stop watching is fine. You don't need to watch it. Right, but it's not master grammarian. It's master chef. So, like, I do not expect them to be mad. massively into grammar. I would watch Master Grammarian.

Yeah, you would. Yeah. You'd love it. Like, I'm really sad we don't have spelling bees broadcast here. What, in Britain? Yeah. So I don't want to do a spelling bee with me over Zoom. Just be me and someone else spelling.

Someone has said, they're quite loud, the presenters, as if it would be fine if their grammar was all over the shop as long as they just did it quietly. Yeah, they are very loud. Greg Wallace in particular, who I think we've talked about every week for like four weeks now. We have. Is very loud.

And then from here on in, the whole thread is people using Greg Wallace as the example for their grammar lesson. So someone has said, so when is Greg and I appropriate? And then someone's explained that. And then someone said, well, at least it's not cook for Greg and myself. You hate it when people say myself instead of I or me. Reflexive pronouns really wind me up unless you are Northern Irish and then that is dialect. And there's probably other places where that's your dialect and that's fine. But if you are from London and you use reflexive pronouns all the time,

you just sound like an estate agent. But if you're a manager, if you're a manager, it's your managerial dialect. No, if you're a manager... Managers are a protected case. Under the Equality Act. Actually, I'm in a protected... I'm in a protected category. I'm a manager.

No, but like seriously, the whole thread now is Greg and I are going to do some cooking is correct. I am going to do some cooking. And then someone said, Greg and I will eat that. me will eat that and now everyone's just using Greg Wallace and a lot of people are probably at home right now and you might have children whose schools have shut and you're probably wondering how you're going to home educate them and what I would suggest is I'll send this thread around and everyone can use this as the basis for their grammar lessons yeah um and you can watch a bit of master chef and you can do that as a listening exercise and your kids can pick out yeah if you have a

printer go on eye player pause master chef at any point and print off a picture of John and Greg and then get your kids to label it. Are they labelling it with pronouns? Or are they labelling it with their names? Oh yeah, you have to assume that you're Greg. You have to assume that you're Greg and write the correct. This is me and John. Yeah, okay.

This is John and me. I mean, that's really all it is. And then someone has said, me hate John and Greg, they twat. So, should we leave that one there? Me hate John and Greg. They twatts. Am I being unreasonable to tell a very old ex, about my dream. Just had a profound and uplifting dream which had key family members from my life,

including deceased, but the star person was an ex from decades ago. It was a short teen relationship, which wasn't massively lovely or anything. Anyway, this dream was so uplifting and profound with loads of positivity about what's going on now and an uplifting feeling. I feel like I want to tell him. Still in touch on social media? Am I being unreasonable to want to tell him? He'll probably think I'm a nutter. Maybe I am. But it's changed my perspective on what's going on

and I feel like I've woken up just valuing life. I'm married with kids. Anyway, let me know your thoughts. Right, this is, yeah, Daniel Warren on the chat says, Worst Idea Ever, which Dan's right. Yeah. It would be a bad idea to share this. But this reads like a film review

where they don't want to spoil the ending. Like, why? What? How is it profound? Loads of positivity about what's going on. Share it. Tell us. Tell us the dream. The new genre of Hallmark films where everyone has to just film their own bits separately. So no one's ever in the same room. People are just waking from profound dreams and sitting at social media talking to their exes from when they were teens.

Like, just because you can find someone who you dated as a teenager on social media doesn't mean you're in touch with them. no nor should you be that seems like a stretch like if you're in touch with them as in you still spoke to them regularly you just say you're in touch right but in touch on social media that just means that you haven't updated your facebook in however many years that's not the same you definitely can't go sending this person a thing like thank you so much you've given me a real lease of life i really needed you in these dark times you've inspired me like because it reads as if prior to this this person was about to go free running out there just like licking all of the bits on buses

that people touch and trying to just end it all. But now, they've had a dream about their ex from when they were 14. Where their ex said, don't lick buses. It's all going to be okay. It'll be all right. Yeah. Yeah. A profound and uplifting dream with key family members from my life.

Who are key family members? Imagine not being on the key family member list. Imagine defining your family members as key and not key. The A list and the B list of your family. Any family members who are watching this stream right now? are key family members, anyone who's not, is out. But the star person, do dreams have stars? Yeah, I don't know if my dreams have protagonists, or antagonists.

Hells his dream starring Johnny Depp. Someone that I dated when I was 15, for two weeks by the sound of this. Stan Laurel. I really, really want to know what this dream was about. Yeah, I want more detail on the dream, because it sounds profound, with lots of positivity about what's going on. I assume what's going on now refers to the global health crisis, which leaves us all with a lot to do and nothing to do at the same time.

Yeah, that's, I mean, this thread is from yesterday. Some of the threads I had to go mine in quite a long way back, but this one is from yesterday. So, yeah, I assume they're talking about the global health crisis, or if not the global health crisis in its totality, they're talking about it on like a minor level, so they're talking about, I don't know, the worries they have. about vulnerable family or the fact that they've got nine million lou rolls because they're a

mum's letter. Yeah. So I'm interested to hear, but I'd be more interested to hear if the ex works for the World Health Organisation. That is a good point, yeah. Yeah. And if they've come to him in a dream with like a vaccine, great. Yeah, if they're, fucking tell us. He'd love a vaccine. And it wasn't a dream. It was just something that they've seen on the news. And you know, like when you find out that someone from a distant part of your past is doing something really interesting and you're like oh cool yeah I used to know them and then you're like but I don't know them now I can't like claim to know this person you don't know them and if you go up to someone that you used to date and you say I had a dream about you they will assume it's a sex dream

will they yeah if you say I had a dream about you like normally that's a sex thing is it yeah that's a flirty way to talk to someone this did remind me the woman I sit next to at work came into work one day a few months ago and she looked absolutely harrowed and I was like what's up? She's like, I dreamt about the cats from cats last night. I was like, oh, like, are you okay? And she was like, no. And then for the whole day, she was just really off and really quiet. I was like, what happened in the dream? And she was like, nothing. They were just there. I was like, oh, okay. Some affirmation from the chat that I am right and saying someone, saying that you've had a dream about someone is a sex thing. Oh, there we go.

Thanks, Stuart and Dan. Okay, fair enough. Okay, so the OPs come back and said, not that I didn't value life before. I mean, it's giving me a different perspective. perspective on things. She didn't value life. No, not that she didn't value life. Yeah, but the implication is that this has given her a new value of life. Yeah, not even the implication. I think it's in the text.

Yeah, please, tell us what happened in the, tell us your wisdom. Like, didn't the Buddha go to sleep under a tree and have a dream and invent buddism? Yeah. It's something like that. She could, she could be the new Buddha. She could, well, no, her ex is like, where does the X fit in? As a rule, like, pandemic aside, dream aside. If at any point you think about an ex, just don't.

Just carry on with your day. There's no need to contact your ex. Yeah, Stuart in the chat earlier said move on. Like, move on with your life. Was that, stop thinking about the ex. Was that into us? Like, this thread shit. Guys, stop making this podcast.

We hate it. Just turn off this live stream. Everyone's bored. No, like, so I had an ex who once got in contact with me, like, two years after we've broken up, to say, like, oh, I saw some trainers and they made me think of you. and I was like, how have you gone two years without seeing trainers, buddy? Like, where have you been? Leave me alone.

Maybe they had your face on them. Well, that would be intrusive. That was a person in detail that was missing, wasn't it? I saw some trainers that looked like you, they made me think of you. You always did look like a shoe. And then someone said, this might be on those things that seems like a good idea at the time. It's not. But I always remember reading somewhere, the only person who cares about your dreams is you.

Yeah, why not start a dream journal Like this can be the first one Write you down Yeah And then throw it away Just throw it out of the window No one's on the streets So it'll just blow in the wind

I was going to say don't throw it out of the window Because what if you have the virus And you throw it out of the window And it lands directly in someone's mouth Yeah Why aren't the government telling us Not to throw paper out the window In case the paper lands in someone's mouth

Don't do a rudimentary drawing of your ex and then throw it out the window That'll be Boris Johnson's press briefing tomorrow I've stopped watching the press briefings You know if my options were An ex contacts me to say they've had a dream about me Or I have to watch Boris Johnson's press briefings I would go with the ex contacting me

Yeah Yeah but that is like the only Boris Johnson is your ex and he's contacting you via press briefings I don't think Boris Johnson knows who any of these exes are This person is like if my ex contacted me I wouldn't know who they were Boris Johnson's just like I can't contact my ex Who are they? Did they have my ex?

child probably maybe we just don't know. Andrew on the chat has said that's another Boris letdown. Wow. Beautiful segue into Boris here. Yeah. Am I being unreasonable? Yelling kids to sing happy birthday to Boris Johnson is a bit too political for a seven-year-old. My daughter came home today with a very admirable concept. She said we should sing happy birthday twice to Boris Johnson to make sure she was washing her hands long enough. My query is, am I being unreasonable that I hate that it's Boris Johnson, D.D. is wishing Happy Birthday, too. I understand if you're a supporter of Boris, this may be fine. But what if they were saying, an alternative political leader? I just think politics shouldn't be in the primary classroom.

Get those politics out of my primary classroom. Get them out. Shoo! Shoo! Out politics. Out damn politics. You should sing happy birthday while you're washing your hands. That is good advice. Yeah. Like, we can't dispute that. Should you sing it to Boris Johnson? No, why? You could sing it to anyone. Yeah, I did see something on Twitter where someone was asking, like, you're singing happy birthday to yourself, right? That's not just me. And then I was like, oh my God, I have so little imagination that I think. I was just going, hmm, hmm, hmm. I was just going to say, I've been doing that. There hasn't been a name in my mind.

Happy birthday, do you. Happy birthday to you. I don't want to single anyone out. I don't want to associate anyone with anything. ever, in case it makes them uncomfortable. I've been looking up old friends and exes on Facebook to see whose birthday it was and then singing appropriate songs based on that day. So, for example, today I saw it was my old neighbour's birthday, so I was singing his name today. I'm very nearly forgot this was live and actually sang happy birthday with the name of an ex, a real-life ex. And it's like, an ex who at least one person on the chat knows.

So Imogen said, I only sing happy birthday to you. Your cats, good advice. That is good advice. Yeah, and Andrew said, I remember singing happy birthday for John Major in a church, which I was going to say.

No, I need to know more. Like, Andrew, was this like a Marilyn Monroe situation? Like, was there like a floaty dress? Like, happy birthday, John Major. Like, but you win a chorus and was it led by Edwina Carrey? need more details. Yeah, and Dan's asked if John Major was present, so it's really just

become the Andrews show at this point. Yeah. Of all the things that are too political for a seven-year-old, I don't think this one is. You know, it's as good a name as any, isn't it? Yeah, it's a funny name for a kid to remember. It's good for them to know the statesmen of the UK. Yeah. So, when I was seven, who was Prime Minister, Tony Blair? Yeah. People talked about Tony Blair all the time in the classroom, because all my teachers were just like, oh my God, you have no idea what it's like. We've had Tories for so long. We're delighted. Things can only get better. Right. Yeah, age seven. I'm a little bit older than you, and they used to talk about John Major all the time, mostly because one of the teachers thought that my friend

resembled John Major in his mannerisms and his look. He talks about this friend on the podcast before, the friend who did impressions of John Major. In primary school. Yeah. A cool little boy. Yeah, I'll say. Are you still in touch? You should let him know you had a dream. No, no. Could you track him down on Facebook?

Well, we're friends on Facebook. Oh, so you are still in touch, according to that last poster. Yeah. Hello, I had a dream about you. I had a dream. You were John Major. Someone has said, what about Happy Birthday Stormsy? Sure.

Seems a bit political to me, actually. Yeah, because he's all about labour. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean... Jeremy Corbyn doesn't fit. Jeremy Corbyn doesn't fit. It's too many syllables.

We also don't want to be drawing attention to Jeremy Corbyn's age because I got a UGov survey the other day and the UGov surveys are getting increasingly odd where they're trying to, I don't know, they must be doing something with this information. But it feels like they're trying to keep UGov surveys going that aren't just like, how scared are you? Very, ah!

So they're like, adding to them to lose questions. And one of the questions was genuinely, Jeremy Corbyn is 70. Jeremy Corbyn was at Prime Minister's question time. Do you think Jeremy Corbyn should have been at home? And it's like the answers were like, yes, Jeremy Corbyn's too old. No, Jeremy Corbyn's not over 70. Or like, Jeremy Corbyn can do what he wants, I don't care. So we don't want to be singing happy birthday to Jeremy Corbyn because

people might remember that he's too old and should be at home. Someone has said, I thought his birthday was the 19th of June. Don't worry him, we'll still be washing our hands on the 19th of June. Yeah. I mean... I wouldn't be able to tell you Boris's birthday like that. And if you do know Boris's birthday, it's not worth trying to brag about that. That doesn't impress people the way you think it does. That don't impress me much. It's not a power move. Someone has said, there are so many better

songs that you could sing. I'm sick of happy birthday. Two verses of heads, shoulders, knees and toes. It's great for kids. No, because then you end up touching your shoulders, your knees and your toes. Your toes won't be clean. Unwashed hands or you're partially washed hands. Yeah, every time you wash your hands,

you're spreading the virus. Yeah. And eyes and ears and mouth and nose. You should not be touching any of those. You're spreading your virus to your toes and then you're touching people with your toes and you're spinning the virus. And you're touching all the bits of your face you shouldn't be touching. This is why we're doing social distancing. Oh, goodness me.

Fortunately, John Major wasn't there. It's just the thing the priest did. The priest was also a police officer who rode a Harley. Andrew raising more questions than they answer there. Dan in the chat has mentioned the haunted handwriters. You remember when people were going in and washing their hands for ages?

Maybe they knew. They knew about this coronavirus. Months ago. Years ago. It's not like you can stockpile washing your hands? You can't be like, oh, I don't need to wash my hands because I washed my hands for three hours last Halloween. On balance, I've done my hand washing.

So, what, 20 seconds. So 20 seconds, you do three of that would be a minute, and then 180 of that, and then 180 times three. Yeah, that would, yeah, you have got a lot of it backed up there, but it doesn't count. You can't carry it forward. It's like annual leave. It is like

annual leave, health. Someone has said it doesn't scan very well. Now, I think ideally you want a three-syllable name, like Che Guevara. Yeah? Che Guevara is four. Yeah. John Major. Tony Blair.

We're coming back to John Major and Tony Blair, Gordon Brown. I feel like we're all... These great premieres with three-syllable names. Theresa May. Too many syllables? Yeah, that's the problem. Harking back to the day, so we had the good three-syllable prime ministers. Yeah, they were the good times.

Yeah. Margaret Thatcher. Too many syllables? Yeah. That was the big problem with Thatcher. those syllables. Shall we? But you couldn't put Tony Blair's name in Tony Blair, throw him up and catch him.

Yeah, do people remember this thing where you used to... I'm going to get a pen and do it. So it's a thing, and you draw Margaret Thatcher on your hands. I should have used a darker pen. You go, here's Margaret Thatcher, throw her up and catcher. Squish, squash, squish, squash. Here's Margaret Thatcher. Because with your weak hand, the drawing's terrible, so she looks squashed.

Here's Margaret Thatcher, throw her up and catcher. Squish, squash, squish, squash. There's Margaret Thatcher. But you can't do that with any of the good three-syllable ones. No. You could not do that with John Major. He would not be squished. Yeah, dearie me.

Am I being unreasonable? Strange Post received. Ooh. I have received eight tickets from Ticketmaster through the Post this morning, totaling £315. No one in my house has any recollection of ordering them, and stranger still, they're addressed to my 10-year-old DS.

The address is correct, except for one digit of the postcode. Have checked my bank and credit cards, etc, and no payment has been made either. So, would you contact Ticketmaster, or keep them, or sell them? Yes, you've hit the jackpot. Yeah? Yeah, I mean, this is clearly like, this is like the start of a Neil Gaiman novel, where you get some tickets posted to you. Yeah?

You go to the event, and it's like a haunted circus or some shit. Neil Gaiman's shit. And you go, and you end up. But, you know, going on a great, grand adventure, a grand magical adventure. Surely in the Neil Gaiman version, like, there wouldn't be anything as tawdry as the ticket price value. Neil Gaiman wouldn't bother writing in that the tickets were worth £315. Oh, no, probably not. So, what, they were just short of 40 quid each.

They're expensive tickets. Maybe he's thinking of ticket prices. Oh, no, that he's married to Amanda Palmer. Oh, burn. Keep the bottom line. Oh. So the address is correct, except for one digit. of the postcode?

Yeah. Does that include the name? Yeah, they're addressed to the 10-year-old son. It's weird. That's a very Neil game in touch, isn't it? That they turn up for a little boy. I mean, yeah, the obvious... Oh, it could be like Harry Potter shit.

Like, this is their ticket to wizarding school, where they'll have all kinds of magical adventures. Either way, magical adventures abound from this. Yeah, it's just not very magical to tell us how much they cost. Just ruins it. I don't know. I just feel like an... a magical land. We're not troubling ourselves with currency. I'd love to be fancy enough to not trouble

myself with currency. And if I was magic, then the first thing I would use my magic to do would be to make sure that my tickets arrived with no price on them. I mean, talking sensibly, the obvious solution is that the 10-year-old did it and the line. It's got their name on it. Yeah. The postcode's wrong because kids are dumb. Like, the kid did it. Hashtag not all kids. If you've got kids at home, I'm sure they're very smart. Golden tickets to a magic chocolate factory, says, So, yeah, this is a kind of golden ticket shit. Yeah, but they're approaching £40 pounds a ticket. 40 pounds a ticket to have a magical adventure.

It's very unfair on children who come from less well-off backgrounds. What do you think was the cash value of the golden tickets in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? No cash value. Like, for a tour. Absolutely no cash value. We're pushing like £50 maybe at the top end. How much is it going to Cabri World? I don't know.

I'll look it up. Great. Do you think that's what these tickets were for? I think it's probably closed at the moment. It is temporarily closed. I'm not advocating that we'll go to Cabri Wild. That would be extremely dangerous. I just want to know how much it is.

So the moment that this passes, I can go and go to Cabri. So Sarah's pointed out that have they actually asked the DS? We'd say should. I think it's a DS. So to Sarah. Andrews pointed out that Harry Potter has a bank with questionable goblins, like Jewish stereotypes. Yeah, the goblins aren't questionable.

The portrayal of the goblins is questionable because J.K. Rowling is bad. But they do have a bank and there is a lot of discussion of currency Yep It's only £18 to go to Cabri World Right but Cadbury World's not Wonkers Factory Yeah I've been to Cabri World and it doesn't have a chocolate river It's got vans shaped like cream eggs

Well that sounds fun Yeah that is fun Look I want things to look forward to And apparently the first thing I'm doing Once everything goes back to some semblance of normality It's going to Cabri World Well Sarah on the chat suggested a yaboo trip to Cadbury Yes

Let's go And all of our listeners should come We can get a group ticket probably But I think if Charlie had sold those golden tickets on He'd be looking at easy, maybe 75 quid That would be a horrible little children's book though, wouldn't it? Just a book about how to profite it That book, like that style of book probably exists

There probably is someone who's done some sort of terrible Libertarian children Libertarian reworking of famous children's books So that they can teach kids the value of money and whatever. That sounds like the sort of thing that you would get at Christmas time in that bit I'm always talking about

of books called humour. You know the bit by the till at Waterstones which by the way is a shop that needs to fucking close. They have clothes they announced it an hour ago. Thank God for that. I mean I'm still never going to go back there.

It's a real shame. I worked at Waterstones as a teenager. They were good employers then. They're not anymore. Rachel Hallows and Anne Rans Charlie in the Chocolate which is very good. Very good.

Yeah, but you can totally picture that at Christmas It's a sort of thing Someone who knows that you're a bit political But doesn't understand quite what that means Would get that for you as like a funny stocking filler And you'd open it up And like the dawling realisation Thanks

You know Great, you got me the Anne, oh no So do the tickets Sorry, Andrews said Willie Wonka in the Fountain Head Which is also very good That is very good. Wonka shrugged?

Right. But do the tickets not have the event on them? Well, what do you mean? They do they not have what the event is on them? That's a very good point. Because it's just a location and a time? The tickets have arrived and each of the eight tickets just says a price that's near 40 pounds. Some spooky shit.

It's for a band from before my time. I can't remember entering anything. But it's at a local venue, so possibly, have checked with other family members in case they ordered it to my house. But nothing, more concerned, they have my 10-year-old's details. A band from before the O.P.'s time at a local venue makes it sound... I don't know where this person lives, and it might be that there's a good venue that is local to them. But when you hear it local venue, that makes it sound like some sort of, like... Like a pub.

Yeah. Like a sort of small, weird venue where the tickets wouldn't be £315 for eight. And a band before her time. Yeah, so... So ZZ Top are performing at your local in Chichester, and they've got your 10-year-old details. And you're worried about that. Wait, at a local, are we talking like £40 a ticket for a local venue?

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. It's really odd. But before we moved here, our local, which has now turned into a crap gastro pub, but it used to be a good pub, inexplicably had Big Boy from Outcast playing in the upstairs room. Hellier. The upstairs room was just like

Just a standard pub upstairs room You know it was nothing special This was like years ago Years and years ago But yeah big boy from Outcast played there Because I don't know Some sort of misunderstanding You have to assume that when you go there

Surely Andre 3000's going to be there somewhere Like at the back I mean it's a big enough room That if you can't see Andre 3000 upon walking in Andre 300 ain't there He's not hiding He's not hiding now Like do a scan in the room

if you don't see Andre 3,000, that's your lot. Someone said maybe it was toilet paper, hence the price. Yeah? Expensive nowadays. Do you mean it's a ticket to toilet paper? Like a toilet paper expo. A toilet paper conference. The little 10-year-old boy is desperate to go to a toilet paper conference.

Yeah. Got to learn about toilet paper somehow. Apparently so, apparently so. I have got one more thread that we could cover if people are interested. Are I being unreasonable to wonder about new world order? I don't understand how some people are convinced that it's soon going to be new world order. The coronavirus was deliberate, followed by lick downs, everyone indoors, etc. Means everything in place for new world order.

Well, according to several friends on Facebook it is, surely not. You should not be doing lick downs. You should not be doing lick downs. That's the opposite of social distancing. Yeah, lick things in your own house, and that's it. You shouldn't even be licking things in your own house, not because of the coronavirus, just because of social norms. If you have to lick things, only things you own. Just don't lick things.

Yeah, but if you have to. Like, we all know you have to lick things. So please, just things your own. And ideally, food stuff. Like lollies, yeah. Lollies are the only food stuff I can think of that you lick anything else, even then. Like, if you open a bag of wotsets and you lick each individual one, that's still rank. Like, so rank.

Why are people on Mumsnet? massive conspiracy theorists. And how long does this have to go on before we get a conspiracy theory board, which would make my day? I would love that. Yeah, it's weird that there's not one already. It's weird that the preppers for them, having a situation worth prepping for, has not now descended into conspiracy theory. Because you'd think that's the next logical step. The preppers board, though, is the nicest place in Mumsnet at the moment. People are coming along to the preppers board and they're like, I haven't done new prepping before. And I know, that now it's too late to prep because the shit's already hit the fan but I once if anyone

could offer me any advice about how to dehydrate some vegetables and people are like yeah of course don't worry lots of people like prepping was my hobby I only prepped because it was a hobby and I found it interesting and now I actually need to I'm a bit spooked really don't feel like prepping though now it just feels like because it's not being prepared yeah it's just living it's just living the chat's descended into talking about things that you can lick in your home ice green hummus off a spoon would you lick hummus off a spoon like you put the spoon in your mouth dessert hummus which intriguing is that like sweet hummus i don't know we need more details imogen what's no i can see how this might work like if you have the chickpeas and like tahini because halver is a sweet thing and that's

sesame yeah and then you could just add like honey instead of garlic and whatever but i mean imagine has said it's not a good thing so yeah don't do it i'm not undermining imogen's lived experience and dessert hummus. Oh, hummus with sugar added and chocolate chips mixed in. Thanks Imogen. Okay. You've added sugar and chocolate chips. Have you taken out the garlic and

you know, the... I thought it was called the New World Order. When you call it New World Order, it sounds like a New Order cover band. Yeah, it turns like a band I was going to say. Maybe that's what this person got tickets for. You've got eight tickets for New World Order and they they've mixed it up and they think they've got eight tickets

to see New Order and they're like, oh, it's a had from before my time. They've actually got eight tickets to join the people who are running the world. And it's been sent in her son's name because they can't be too obvious about what it is. So they're like, oh, if we put a child's name, that would be a great decoy. You know, New World Order. It used to be Joy Squad. Joy Squad. It's soon going to be New World Order. I mean, things are changing. Things are changing rapidly. I, from my perspective, it's become clear that capitalism isn't built for crisis and that capitalism cannot survive. Does that become clear to you?

recently or is that what you always believed and now you've got the evidence to whack it up? No, validated, yeah. But yeah, if any New World Order is going to come out with this, hopefully it's like world socialism? Something better than capitalism anyway? Yeah, not the New World Order that's the Hanx family. No.

No? You've seen that video with Chet Hanks? Watch it, it's good. Someone said, if lickdowns are on offer, send a hunky police officer my way. I'm sure DH won't mind. I'm sure your DH will mind when you contract coronavirus and bring it into your house. Because you got licked by a police officer.

This isn't the time for bawdy chat. Baudy chat can wait until after the crisis. Yeah, you shouldn't be licked by anyone now, no matter how hunky they are, or if they're in uniform. No matter how hunky. No. We all have to make sacrifices.

This is what Boris is going to announce tomorrow. We're going to stop people being licked by hunky police officers. I mean, some landlords are going to lose their only source of income for three months, and they're making sacrifices. So maybe you, Karen, could make the sacrifice of not being licked by a police officer, just this once. Rachel on the chat keeps forgetting that Chet Hanks exists and is somehow a product of some Hanks.

Never forget, never forget. I know it's easy to think about Colin Hanks more often. Simon's got really into Colin Hanks, like troublingly so. I just think he's neat. And now there are lots of people posting pictures of the Spanish Army. The Spanish Army, who I assume, have been mobilised to keep people in their lockdown scenario. So they've found pictures of people who are on the front lines of trying their best to make sure

that people don't go around getting infected with a horrible disease. And they're just talking about being licked by them. Great. The exact opposite of what the Spanish army are out there doing. I think Spain are under more stringent lockdowns than the UK, so I don't think they'll be sending army officers to lick you, no matter how hunky they are. Yeah. The hunkiest officers are staying at home.

I mean, they need all the hunky officers they can. get to make sure people aren't just like roaming around. There'll be hunky officers at the end of all this. Here's hoping. Am I being unreasonable to think mum's net should clamp down on scaremongering threads. Yeah. Yeah, they should. Close them down.

Am I being unreasonable, newborn photo shoot. Cute. Am I being unreasonable to think I can write my bill at home? I mean, you need witnesses. So how are you going to get those? And am I being unreasonable to think that Chris Martin is sweet. Sweet. Sweet.

Chris Martin is sweet Sweet as Yeah He was once Eating chips in Greenwich So that's a claim to fame He was once eating chips in Greenwich He just seems like a sort of clean living man

Who wouldn't be eating chips But there he was Yeah I don't think Gwynif Let him eat chips When they were married I think that's why they consciously uncoupled Yeah

He wants some fucking chips Not just goop At least let him have some chips For his goop For dipping For dipping For dipping An all chips diet.

An all chips diet? Great. Yeah, they're right. Well, with that, should we call it an evening? Thank you so much for listening. Thanks for listening. Thanks for joining us on the chat, if you were listening on the chat. Yeah, I mean, we hope this has brought a little bit of joy.

It's cheered me up a bit. Yeah. So, thanks for indulging that, if nothing else. I think this has done pretty well. We might try and do these during the lockdown. Yeah, so we've been recording this so that we can use this as Thursday's episode, and then we'll put out an episode the following Thursdays. day anyway, but we'll try and do more live stuff if people have enjoyed it. Yeah, we might

alternate between whatever. I've only managed to track down like 18 threads that aren't about coronavirus. And if you look at the diagram, it's like the spread of coronavirus. That's how the board is going as well. Yeah, it's infecting everywhere. Yeah, we'll ration out the threads we've got. Maybe next week I will use Mumset Classics as the basis for them. And we can have such classics as penis beaker, cut it up hair, all the things that people talk about all the time that mean very little to anyone. Thanks for listening, everyone. Thank you.

This was really fun. Bye. Fantastic. And I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think of how I felt that day, when I felt the way that I do right now, right now, right now.