You Are Being Unreasonable - 071 - In which we welcome our new alien overlords by performatively playing violins in the street

Episode Date: April 16, 2020

"Are German nipples the worst?" An Easter special! In which Easter is barely mentioned. This Easter live show was livestreamed on YouTube and you can watch the full unedited video at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9TAU7DOf_E Instead of Easter, we discuss the creepy musical children next door, huge bums and the correct way to measure the size of bottoms, how the lockdown has us all saving money and how Gregg Wallace must be pleased about this, we wildly speculate about aliens (or maybe AI) arriving during lockdown, and we hear about Helen's plans for the Kesha jukebox musical.

Hello, driving on drugs feels better when their prescription. All I know, the world looks beautiful, the world looks so damn beautiful. I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think about I felt that day, when I felt the way that I do right now, right now. I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think about I felt that day. Hello, welcome to You Are Being Unreasonable,

the podcast about people being unreasonable on mumsnet.com with me, Hells. And me, Simon. Happy Easter. Happy Easter. We are recording on Easter Sunday. We are recording on Easter Sunday. He is risen. He is risen indeed.

Yeah. And that's the last of the religion and the last of the Easter that you're going to get from this episode, I would imagine. I thought you meant that's the last of the religion. Like, it's a bottle of squash and it's all gone. I don't have that power. I simply cannot drink all the religion away. No.

Only the Pope can do that. No. Diluted it all down, slurped it all up. It's gone. Is there any left? No. No. So we did a poll before our failed show last week and we were going to do Grandsnet. I've decided to go with Mumsnet instead because Gransnet is very wholesome and they're lovely and charming but it makes it very difficult to find the fun in that because I just want to be kind about the Grans. Yeah. Where's the comedy? Exactly. So instead we're going back to Mumsnet. On Mumsnet there seems to be no recognition that Easter is happening and as I mentioned in our last episode

they've all settled into lockdown so they're back to just being what you would expect from Mumsnet except no one's going out they're just finding ways to be cheeky fuckers at home indoors yeah well you know time has no meaning in this kind of lockdown a lot of people are losing their sense of time so maybe the Mumsnettas do not know it's Easter maybe they've lost it completely maybe Bono needs to sing them a song Do they know it's Easter time at all?

Let's do a speed round. Am I being unreasonable to think that just because it's lockdown doesn't mean you can forget birthdays. Well, like I say, people are forgetting time, but they shouldn't be forgetting birthdays. Just before we came on, I checked the bulletin board in my old crossing village, and it's one of my villagers' birthdays soon. It's your least favourite village's birthday. Yeah, the scary one. What are you going to do to celebrate it? Kick them off the island.

Amma being unreasonable to ask what recession is like and is there any way to prepare? Is that from a young mum's letter? Because we've had multiple recessions in the last 10 years. Yeah, they must be very young, as in like 11. A young mum. It's an 11-year-old mum's letter. Yeah, recessions are bad and the way to prepare is to stock upon beans. Which a lot of people have done anyway, so good.

Amma being unreasonable are German nipples the worst? German nipples? German nipples. As opposed to Belgian nipples? Yes. I don't think there's much difference. Yeah. But I don't want to, I haven't seen enough German nipples.

Seems weird to generalise, but also too specific. I need a spreadsheet. I'm being unreasonable. Thank you, but please stop. Is that to us? We don't know. If it is, we haven't opened it. It's a speed round.

And we're just reading that from the chat. Shall we do a full thread? Being unreasonable, friend saying her huge bum is small. I'm being unreasonable to be getting irritated with this and be baffled. She's always saying this to me, even though it's huge. Mine is definitely smaller as she can see. And people always tell her it's big, so surely she knows. But she'll talk about how it's not big and she needs to start growing it, etc. weight training.

Even though she literally gets comments on it on a regular basis. On one hand, maybe she literally can't see how big it is. a lot of women are very critical of their bodies but to actually say it's small and not big even though she's constantly getting comments on it by the way this isn't a jealousy issue it just baffles me when she's always saying this to me even though people always say it's big

also the fact mine is definitely smaller but she calls her small and not big directly to me she has a big bum but she seems to lie yeah people who like big butts one rule for them but they have big butts. Quite different. Different. I don't understand.

This was posted on Thursday, so like lockdown times. I don't know if these friends live together, maybe they do. Or if this friend is just like getting on Zoom all the time and waggling her bum at the camera. And saying like, isn't it small? Look at it. I can't sit down. It's so small. I don't understand.

No. It's a shame there's no objective way to measure bums and the size they're of. Oh, wait, centimetres. You could measure it in centimeters. You could measure it the way, you know where you put something heavy in water, and you see how much water it displaces. So you could measure it in cubic milliliters. Uh-huh.

Like an Aristotle kind of displacement thing. Exactly. Yeah. You could measure it in clothes sizes. What was his name? He said Eureka. Archimedes. Archimedes Bath on the classic children's books that I've talked about on this podcast before.

And you've been like, that's not a thing. I don't know what that is. It's great. like Yoreka in Halifax. Yeah, we talk about that a lot as well, but there we go. So this seems to be a conversation that's happening like now, for some reason. A current chat about bums and bum sizes. Well, maybe they live together. It's a going concern. Yeah. And why are they both so obsessed with the size of their bums? It's an obsession. Oh, yeah, fair enough. People are, people are concerned about it. People are constantly commenting on it, constantly. Big shout out to Eureka. Taylor's used

circumference rather than volume for bums. Well, that does make sense. Yeah? Yeah? Yeah. Got to measure it around, right? Yeah. Where does the bum end and the fly begin? That's a question for a tailor. Well, no, I think if you do sufficient weight training, there would be a clear delineation. If you've got a pancake bun, I feel sorry for you. I feel bad for you, son.

But I was about to ask who all these people commenting now under lockdown are, but I took the recycling out and as I was walking away from a man at the postbox he commented on my bum so yeah you got a lockdown buddy in the shape of that man yeah I mean the people who would normally be harassing people at bus stops and stuff and people who'd be harassing people in bars they need somewhere to go so they're just out doing their daily exercise commenting on bums harassing people at the post box yeah all the bins there are many places where you could receive comments on your bum the post box and the bins I also wonder how to how close these friends are.

This sounds like the sort of friend that is always trying to put someone down to make themselves feel better. I think we've all known people like that. The people I've known who like that, I'll be honest, they haven't used bums, but maybe that's because they recognise that that was one area where I was not lacking confidence.

I think my bum is big and great. But it sounds like the friend is trying to put down the op. Just like leave it. All she talks about is her ass. Don't be friends with people who put down your bum. Exactly. Please. Should we hear from the thread?

Yes. I don't think I understand why it matters. attention seeking maybe I could apply to anything I don't think I understand why it matters none of these issues are the huge issues of the day

someone has said I would just nod to smile and agree for two reasons firstly as above it doesn't really matter secondly if she really is as delusional as you say about it nothing you say will be believable

to her or make any difference save your breath save your breath I would simply not respond rise above it turn the other cheek turn the other bum cheek should we do another thread

Yes Am I being unreasonable Irritating musical family Name changed as this is Outing We moved into this house in Jan A neighbour introduced herself And we clicked well

As we have DC of a similar age I am a music examiner And teach at a local school Which her DC don't attend She was very keen to let me know How musical her family are Even inviting me over To hear her children

Play their instruments The problem is That it's ramped up or not during lockdown her DC have been entertaining the close, four houses, by playing their instruments in the street. She even joined them today. Her DH is the only one who isn't involved, but she asked him to film it on her phone. The thing is, this all seems to be very much aimed at me and seeking my approval, which is uncomfortable and intrusive. D.H. is convinced that she encourages them to go out and play as soon as anyone steps out of her house. She's also sent me lots of videos of them on WhatsApp. I always praise them, but it's getting riddles.

Ridiculous. Their playing is fine, but certainly not extraordinary. Would I be unreasonable to belightly discouraged their persistent performances? So you live next door to the Van Trapp family? Apparently so. Except they didn't seem to be doing it for anyone else's benefit. They were just having a nice time. Yeah. Whereas this family are performatively, I don't know, playing their violins in the street

to get the attention of the neighbour who clicked well because they have DC of a similar age. It doesn't sound like you've clicked at all well It sounds like you can't stand the woman You're just saying you've clicked to be polite Because you have DC of a similar age But it doesn't sound like your DC like these DC very much There's more to clicking than Oh, I don't have a kid, I don't know

Maybe this is how it works Maybe they all need to become little musicians Little Beatles, Little Rolling Stones They can't all do that though Because a close doesn't sound very big And so if all of the families are out there Forming an orchestra How will they maintain social distancing?

It's a good question. Exactly. It's a good question. We turned on to carols from Kings on Good Friday, and I don't know how they were doing that. I assume it was recorded. It must have been... Because you can't be doing carols in this environment.

Yeah. Too close. Too close for the close harmonies. Yeah, I don't know. I guess people are lonely at the moment. Maybe this is a way to try and connect with others, and this musical family are just trying to form human connections during these bizarre times.

Yeah, it's weird that it's aimed at the neighbour. Like, by aimed at the neighbour, are they all facing her? Yeah, they're pointing their trumpets at the house. Like those pictures where the eyes follow you, but it's the family band where the eyes follow you. Pointing the tuba at the house. The OP's trying to go for her daily exercise, so she's like trying to go for a run and she's having to slalom between members of this musical family who are all staring at her, staring her dead in the eye as they play the clarinet hauntingly.

Following her round of a flute. Yeah. I just don't understand. Shall we hear from the thread? Yes. This reminds me of that old sitcom Keeping Up Appearances. Oh, no, it doesn't.

Point out they're not supposed to be wandering the street. I don't think it counts as wandering the street if you're just in front of your own house, surely. Surely not. That's allowed. Yeah. I mean, there's an argument that they shouldn't be out on the street

playing instruments because that's not a very sociable thing to do. But I don't think that it doesn't sound like they're roaming around. Roaming the streets. And you are allowed, out people seem to have really forgotten that you're allowed out like a gang like a gang of musician children just wandering the streets like post-apocalyptic a gang what like clicking their

fingers like yeah hate cool cats I would be pretty perturbed every time I went outside the neighbours were doing a bit from west side story pretty perturbed if the jets and the sharks were kicking off in my clerks I would assume that one family like the OEP would be the Jets and this family are the sharks and they're trying to make them join in with this bit. It's a one jet. Lots of sharks. Yeah.

No, the OP has family. That's true. They have D's here of a similar age. That's why they clicked, apparently, even though the OPE cannot stand this musical bitch. That's why they clicked. Am I being unreasonable? Lockdown has made me realise I've been wasting money for years.

Anyone else? As supermarkets have been short of my usual premium versions of food, I bought the cheaper alternative and found out they're just as nice or better. Also, recently, dyed my own hair, and I actually prefer the outcome. This obviously saves me loads. D.H. and I usually go out to eat one evening every couple of weeks. Instead, we're having a nice meal and wine at home, so not really missing that at all. Anyone else?

It's like the lockdown is one big episode of Eat Well for Less. Is it? Yeah, and it's all been orchestrated by Mr. Greg Wallace and his little friend, who I don't know the name of. Oh yeah, the little greengrocer lad. The little greengrocer man. I like that Greg Wallace is like, as a simple greengrocer, I got a big break, so I'm going to pass that opportunity on. Bex on the chat said, this woman's clearly never watched. Eat well for less.

Well, there we go. Because this is exactly the premise, right? You stop spending as much on big premium brands. You don't go out for nice meals or wine as much. Yeah? You just stay at home. Dye your own hair, and then you admire the outcome, which you actually prefer. I bought the cheaper alternative

I'm surprised to be honest that the cheaper alternative is the one that was available Like before Yeah you'd think if you're bulk buying You're doing that cheaply Yeah Before we all stopped going into the office

My manager was saying She'd got a Tesco order Back when that was the thing that you could get easily But people had already started buying things In preparation for being at home I'm not going to call it stockpiling Because that's not what people were doing And that's really shifting the blame

So no But people were buying things in preparation for the possibility of staying at home, which meant that the own brand beans that she bought had been substituted for Heinz, and they'd only charged her for the own brand, and she, like, properly was delighted by this coup. Own brand beans.

Yeah. So, I don't know where this person lives, where everyone's stockpiling. Not stockpiling, just buying premium versions of things. But I am surprised that's the outcome. Yeah. It does seem like it's all been orchestrated, as you say, by Mr. Greg Wallace himself.

Image on the chat says, you've got to treat yourself on lockdown. I completely agree. Get the good stuff while you can. Like when you're not spending money on, you know, buses or trains. And because we can't get a delivery for love nor money, I've been using maybe love, mostly money, to develop a wide array of suppliers.

So a local brewery delivered me some nice beer. We've had a local greengrocer, deliver us veg boxes. I got the vegan kind to deliver me some sausages. This is what Greg would say. Go out on your local high street and go to the local places. But you've been doing that at home. Yeah, exactly. Even better. Greg Wallace will be proud.

The way I've been doing it has not been eating well for less. Oh. I mean, I have saved money because I've not been eating lunch out and I haven't been buying coffee and... Or avocado toast. But I haven't been setting out to save money. And I find treating lockdown as an inspiration for how to live. Like, there are things that we can take away from this that I'm sure in the long run will improve our way of life. but this seems like she's taken it too far

like yeah okay but when things change your DH might actually want to go out for a nice meal and you being like I've been wasting money on having a nice time with my husband Yeah it's not a waste if you get something out of it No it's not And what you get out of it is time with your husband I think some people get a genuine kick out of frugality

Like for them it's a hobby Being frugal is their hobby And like seeing if they can spend the absolute bare minimum amount of money Whereas for me my hobbies are hobbies. And sometimes you have to spend a little money on your hobbies. So that's fine. If you're one of these people who's found that saving money and being extremely frugal is a great hobby, that's great. But don't enforce that on other people. It's really not fair when the competitively frugal people try to make the people who just want to have a normal

night and go for dinner. That's the more nuanced message that a Christmas carol didn't get across. Like if Scrooge wants to be frugal, fine. But he can do that on his own terms and not drag his private mortgage company into it. I forget what he was. Yeah. He wasn't a bank. Well, like, you know, if you want to be frugal, that's great. But you do need to realize that you're going to have to make sacrifices.

But other people haven't chosen to make those sacrifices. So the people who are like, oh, no, I simply would never go out for a coffee. Well, great, everyone's going for coffee without you because you are insufferable. But this D.H. has married someone who wasn't a boring frugal ear. And now maybe she's going to become one. And he's going to want to go out for a meal. And she'll just be like, no. No, no. I'll have a fake away.

No, no. A fake away for me. Someone wants to know what you're drinking under that umbrella. Old-fashioned. I'm drinking. Squash. Not because I'm a frugal ear. Yeah, I've got an old-fashioned because I treat myself. And my father-in-law was very good.

Oh, he's just on the chat. My father-in-law bought me a little umbrella. That makes it sound like you've received a single umbrella. A box of umbrellas. Not an old-fashioned because I treated myself to some whiskey on lockdown. I am really regretting that I decided to stick with my squash so that after this episode I could do some exercise for often just having a campari and soda like a normal person. And you're going to a pulp listening party after this, right?

I'm going to do exercise and then I'm going to do the pulp listening party. After the exercise, I'll treat myself to a camparian soda. For now, squash. Yeah, I mean, I dye my own hair. I'm not having a go at this person in general. I'm just saying there's a middle round to be struck and I worry this person's gone too far. one way, but we don't know. Should we hear from the thread?

Yeah. I'm the opposite. I'm generally quite frugal, but I plan to live a little once this is over, and then fingers crossed. Fingers crossed, live a little. Yes, cost of coffee and breakfast and lunch at work, takeaways. Mind you, I'm also time richer due to furlough and Easter holes.

That is a good point as well. Like, I've saved a lot of money on not buying lunch out, but no, I haven't saved that much, but I have saved money on not buying lunch out. Yeah, I think I've done the same. But I quite often take my own lunch to work anyway And the times when I don't It's usually because I've had an activity in the evening after work

That means I haven't had time to make lunch that evening And I go to work ridiculously early for no reason So I'm not going to do it in the morning And yeah, like the opportunity cost The opportunity cost of these things Sometimes I pick up some nuggets from Sainsby's at lunch Nice, you're just showing off now Yeah, it's a lifestyle that's gone now

Gone from me I can't do it now Can we just go back to the chat? Debbie, it's not called diluting juice. I'm in London at the moment. Down here, it's not. You can call it diluting juice, but in context, you're right where you are, and I'm right where I am.

Debbie, why are you tempting fate like this? I didn't say nugs. You have now. Now I have. Imogen to save loads of monies on vegan sausage rolls. How many vegan sausage rolls are you buying? They're a pound. So much money.

I'm here for that energy. Nugs, nugs, nugs. I wonder how much I've saved on veg. vegan sausage rolls. Probably not that much because I had to factor in the delivery cost of my order from the vegan kind where I bought, as I think Debbie decided, the collective term is a bushel of sausages. A bouquet of sausages and some hot sauce. So any money I might have saved on not buying vegan sausage rolls, I've blown on ordering it in. Yeah, it's tough. We all miss Greggs. Gregs have been posting things telling me how to make the recipes. I saw one on

Facebook for the steak bake and it said, if you want to make our vegan steak, bake simply substitute the ingredients for vegan ones. Great. Great. Like what? Mushroom. Stick a lot of mushroom in there in place of the steak. No, you can get like vegan beef style pieces. Oh, is that? Yeah, that makes sense. That makes more sense. Yeah, it's not like, oh, just use a bit of broccoli. Well, Gregs want to be careful they don't go out of business with that, but I imagine we'll all be flocking to Greg's once all this blows over. Yeah, they're not going to go out of business because most people don't set out to go to Gregg's to make a real day of it.

Like, you'd have to make a bit of a day of it to make your own sausage and bean melt. What's the fast food slash bakers you're going to go to first when this is all over? Oh, wow. When they reopen. Does it count if it's somewhere local? Yeah. So there's a place called canvas and cream in Forest Hill. Shout out to them.

They're not currently open, but whatever. And they do it the most amazing, like, carrot and ginger cake. Oh, it's so good. I've got carrot in. I've got ginger in. I've got flour, unlike some people, I have flour showing off. I could make this cake, but it won't be as good. No.

It simply will not be the same. Simply won't be the same. No. What about you? Taco Bell. Taco Bell, not a box of Sainsbury's chicken nuggets. That's second. On the way back from Taco Bell.

You're going to get that Taco Bell chicken nacho thing, where they've made nuggets in the shape of nachos and then use them to sandwich together some cheese. Mm. Mm-hmm. Precious memories. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of people pointing out they were eating out a lot more and they've realised that that's expensive.

You don't realise that's expensive, you know that's expensive, surely. Yeah. Like, surely you recognise that if you buy a meal out, it would be cheaper if you have made that meal at home. But that only works if you've had the time to do that. I tell you, Greg Wallace must be rubbing his hands together. Love this opportunity for the whole nation to eat well for less. Yeah, you think this is applauded by Big Greg. Yeah, I think Greg released COVID-19.

That's a big conspiracy theory. Yeah, I don't think he did that. What is Nova Pizza? I don't know, pizza chain. Well, I hope it's delicious. I had a real craving for pizza earlier, and I never ever want pizza. You did, we looked at the Wikipedia list of regional pizzas, and it seemed to put you right off. It really did.

There was one that was a regional pizza that was simply a pizza base covered in onions. That was it. Nova Pizza's the best piece of place in Edinburgh. Oh, well, there you go. I can't wait to go there. I can't wait to go anywhere. like just out of South East London would be good even within South East London

you know how much I want to do yoga at a studio where there are other people and if I'm doing it wrong someone can help me get it right rather than being like oh this one's just difficult I'll just sit on the mat for a moment until it moves on most of the threat is people saying this and then someone has said no the cheapest stuff's out of stock so now we've had to drink Tropicana juice

so they've joined Club Tropicana but the drinks are not free. Venturebro says Swedish pizza beats all other pizza on the planet. And we read that on Wikipedia. We read that Sweden were among the largest pizza consumers in the world. The largest was apparently Norway. They didn't give any indication on how they've measured that. Probably the same way you might measure a bun.

By circumference. Yes. Shall we do... That's not how you measure a pizza. A pizza is diameter. It would be really confusing. Imagine if they lifted lockdown. And during that time, all the pizza places got together

and decided that they'd start measuring their pizzas by circumference. And they didn't tell anyone, you just had to slowly work it out. So you thought you were getting like a big pizza. And it turns up and you were like, what is this measly nine-inch circumference pizza? Yeah, that's like a little frozen boy. Yeah. Like a little Chicago town boy.

I immediately started trying to do the maths there to work out what that would be. But no, I'm going to stop. Or if they all become pizza, pizza. pizza places and bum measures. So you go in and you get a pizza, that is the size of your bum. Yeah? Yeah. That's better than I imagined what you were saying was like, you go in, you get your bum measured,

you get your pizza, and then next time you go in, you get your bum measured, and they've got a chart on the wall. Like, you know, those charts that go, like, up the wall for kids. Oh, no, that seems. But it goes like width weights with their customers' bums. Yeah, I don't know about that. Oh, yeah, that would be bad. Your way is.

Let's do another thread. Can't have that kind of personal information on the wall. Release that personal data. That's a safeguarding issue. It is. Am I being unreasonable to think we are going to be contacted by aliens soon? The whole world is in lockdown pretty much, and wouldn't it be wild if the reason for this is we are going to be contacted by aliens soon?

Like, there's really no point in ending lockdown, and there seems to be some crazy things happening astronomically at the moment. When are the aliens going to show up soon? What are your thoughts, British mums on the interwebs? Capitalism will be ending soon, because, there's no point anymore, guys. Get ready for AI life. And then the gin emoji. The emoji that explains everything that came before it. That would be wild. It would be wild if that was the reason for this. So, this person thinks the aliens have caused COVID-19. Like, a government's aware of

the alien involvement? I would like to hazard that some governments might be, but our government it's not aware of anything. No. Like, there's really no point in ending lockdown. There's no point. Well, yeah, so apparently, I don't understand. And also, how have they managed to conflate aliens with capitalism? Hmm.

The whole world is in lockdown. Wouldn't it be wild if the reason for this is we're going to be contacted by aliens soon? How would we know we were going to be contacted by them soon unless we'd already been contacted by them? Yeah. Unless they sent a little note through the post. This is what I mean. Like, the governments must be involved.

The governments must know, because they, put us all in lockdown. Like when you WhatsApp someone, to be like, should I give you a call in a minute? If you're like, yes. So the aliens have WhatsApps the world government. Yeah, you up. No, I don't think the aliens are trying to... HMU.

Oh no. So the aliens are going to show up soon. Capitalism will be ending... So maybe capitalism's ending soon. That would be nice. It would be lovely. Because we've all seen that sort of socialist models work better for this kind of crisis. No, we have seen that because...

That's what we already believe. People who don't believe that, genuinely will never believe that. People like that will just think that, oh, well, it's the same on both sides anyway. Oh, it would have been just as bad if it had been a socialist system anyway. Oh, like, there was some prick from the government on the morning news earlier. And he was like, well, actually, the fact that we've had austerity for the last 10 years and the Tory government have made so many cuts is why we're now able to offer such a generous package. Like, no, shut up.

Spain have got a universal basic income. See how badly Spain were hit by the last recession? It doesn't matter what your economy looks like and how strong it is. It depends on the will of your politicians because actually the global economy is not a real thing. It's not a house on budget. Anyway, people who believe that capitalism is great

will always believe that capitalism is great. I suppose that's true. Well, this came about because of incompetence on all sides. Like, no, no, no. There's only been one... One side has been leading... things. One big system for quite a while. Yeah. You can't say, oh, well, because of things that Tony Blair did. Like, that's why, no, no, we cannot blame Gordon Brown for this. No.

The aliens might come, but the Tories will always be dickheads. Yeah, what if the aliens come and they are Tories? Well, yes. I assume that's what will happen. You think the aliens will be toys? Yes. Man alive. If the aliens weren't Tories, why would they take any sort of look at this planet and think, oh yeah, I'll give that a bit. To help, like the aliens in Star Trek. Okay, maybe they are. The benevolent aliens who've come to... Yeah, let us join the Socialist Federation.

I hope so. I hope so. Get ready for AI life. Is it AI life or owl life? I think that says AI life. Should I copy and paste it? And then change it to lowercase and see what happens. Owlife makes sense. AI Life, you haven't raised AI. That's a whole new thing. Imogen said if it turned out Tony Blair was an alien, I wouldn't be in. Highly surprised. Yeah, I mean, actually, I made a really bad point there

because Tony Blair was a useless piece of shit, so I don't know why I made it sound like I was in any way defending him. I really wasn't. Never am. I was more just getting annoyed at the people who were like, well, the NHS has actually been underfunded on all sides. Like, no, we've had the same government. Oh, for God's sake.

Yeah, I don't know whether the gin emoji at the end. Like I say, I think the gin emoji explains quite a lot of what comes before it. I want to know more of these crazy things happening astronomically at the moment. Like what? Someone has said, Crazy things happening astronomically equals the moon was a bit pink the other day, obviously a message from the aliens.

Was it? It is a message that you said, I want to know more, and then at that moment we found the post that told you more. Yeah, Imogen said there was a big moon. Oh, I love them big moons. Then big moons make me cry.

Is that the aliens? Yeah. Then big moons. Maybe the moon's getting closer, like in melancholia. Troubling. Yeah, except that destroyed the world. That's not a spoiler that happens

in the first five minutes. Someone else has come to explain about the astrology, astronomical stuff, whatever In the last couple of weeks you've had people mistake Elon Musk's satellites for UFO, a pink super moon and three near-miss asteroids might be crazy enough for some Crazy for some And if those some are the aliens, well them are in trouble Jack says big bums, big moons

Well that is true You measure the moon by the circumference You saw the whole of the moon You saw the whole of the moon Come mad I'm mad in lockdown, ain't you? Yeah, I have And now there's just people like

Well, I think it's actually very self-involved To suggest that we would be the only life form So of course the aliens are coming I can't believe how selfish you are These hashtag selfish pricks Believing that the aliens aren't coming Well if the aliens do come And they all get COVID-19

Like in the War of the Worlds When it's bacteria that gets rid of the aliens at the end Oh. I don't want a load of... Our NHS is already at capacity. No, we've got a load of aliens needing the beds. Yeah, well... I'm not making a point about immigrants.

I'm genuinely concerned about the lack of provision for aliens. But, sure, like, unless the aliens are just like people, I don't think the NHS will be able to help because those doctors have trained on humans. Yeah, that's true. You've got, like, six lungs, and they're all failing. Yeah, and the things that treat alien lungs might be totally different.

Hmm. Like, aliens might have a lung problem that can only be solved by inhaling tobacco fumes. We get good news for you, aliens. We get loads. Should we do another speech round, and then we'll call it a day? Am I being unreasonable, D.H. pissing me off with lack of respect. Don't get no respect.

Respect at all. Seems weird. Like, talking about respect seems like a really weird dynamic for a marriage. You need to show me some respect. Yes, P-E-C-T. Amma being unreasonable? Has anyone ever want a magazine? Competition.

Must have done. Otherwise, why would they keep running them? Unless that's the aliens. Am I being unreasonable? My friend is not really my friend, is she? No. It's part two of the big bum's red. She was trying to put me down the whole time.

Fake friends. I've got no time for fake friends in 2020. No one's got time for any friends. I got no time for fake friends in lockdown. I mean, if you have got friends who you feel are fake friends, like this is a great opportunity to cut them loose. Fake friends can block and unfollow. Well, okay.

I'm getting into the practice of, of blocking. I don't think that was what this podcast was about, but here we are. I'm being unreasonable not to have a takeaway, roast dinner or dry up every week. You need to treat yourself in lockdown. Yeah, have a dry up. This is what we need to do. I'm going to have a dry up, which is... Treat, treat, treat, treat. It's where I get saucies, egos, rashies, beans.

I don't think this is endearing you to the audience. And then I put them through the dehydrator and I have a dry up. Tiny shriveled little sausage. They look like raisins, but they're made of pigs. It's a regular size of a regular sausage, but it becomes the size of a sausage from the beans and sausage tin. Yeah, but the beans from the beans and sausage tin. Even smaller, like rice.

Yeah. Mmm, a lovely dry-up. And Emma being unreasonable, Puddle Saga, thread five. Really do need to do the Puddle Saga at some point. We do need to do the Puzzle Saga at some point. It's like our Infinity War. I've got a week of annual leave coming up because I was supposed to be going on holiday

but obviously holidays aren't happening so maybe I will do the research and I'll make the notes and I'll get everything ready so we can do Puddle Saga because the only other plan I've got for my week of annual leave is to finally write that Kesha jukebox musical that no one asked for At least of all Kesha

Yeah and I imagine even if I made it and somehow got Kesha's approval I'd probably have to give money to Dr Luke which is like the actual last thing I want to do Yeah, which presumably will be part of the point of the musical. Yeah. A fairly anti-Dr Luke sentiment. To save me having to give money to Dr. Luke,

I'm going to do the deep dive research into Puddle Saga with my annual leave. A good use of time. Well, there we go. Should we wrap it up? I guess so. The recording says we've got 40 minutes of content. Great. By the time we edit out all of the dross, we will not have any content.

But we'll have had a good time. We'll have had a good time. and y'all have had a good time oh thanks for had a lovely day like people who've lost on on bargain hunt yeah we've been watching bargain hunt a lot because we can't go out and it's on it when we have our lunchtime and there was a contestant on bargain hunt today which i think debby asked me on twitter why was bargain hunt on today it's sunday easter sunday yeah anyway bargain hunt was on and there's a couple who proposed a guy who proposed to his partner on it then just had to finish bargain hunt The producers nodded them along to finish buying your antiques and selling them.

And then they lost loads of money on an ugly yellow cabinet, so... Yeah. Life really is up and down at the moment. Up and down. What a great allegory. Thank you all for joining us. It's been fun. Yeah, thanks for joining us on this live show.

I'm glad YouTube worked this week. We'll do this again at some point. Yeah, absolutely. We'll figure it out. Yeah. Yeah, I've got a film with you or two up at Take One Cinema. dot net um and some more might be going up soon because i wrote more yeah so have a look at those i have been channeling my energy into making increasingly sweary earrings so i might post some

pictures of those if anyone wants any i'm open to i was going to say commissions i don't want anyone's money i'll just put them in the post it's fine anyone wants some free aggressive earrings on the chinty background hit me up thanks a lot bye I do right now, except for maybe when I think of how I felt that day when I felt the way that I do right now, right now, right now.