You Are Being Unreasonable - 072 - In which we set our Zoom backgrounds at work to the things we fear the most

Episode Date: April 23, 2020

"There's no such site as Mumsnet." An episode of bold takes this week like 'there's no such site as Mumsnet', 'men do not exist', and 'frozen coleslaw is a thing that should be'. This week, we discuss which food-related words are too awful to mention and helpings of school dinners, we change our personalities along with our Mumsnet usernames, we strategically place pineapples for our Zoom meetings, we sing Enter Sandman with our neighbours for the carers, and Helen sends Simon to improv jail.

Hello, driving on drugs feels better when they're prescription. All I know, the world looks beautiful, the world looks so damn beautiful. I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think about I felt that day, when I felt the way that I do right now, right now. I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think about I felt that day when I felt the way that I Hello, welcome to you are Being Unreasonable, the podcast about people being unreasonable on mumsnet.com with me, Hells.

I'm me, Simon. I'm intrigued by, well, let's peek behind the scenes a little bit. You, for this podcast, have a laptop open with Mumsnet on it. That's correct. You don't memorize the threads and the comments on the threads and then play them back in your mind. I actually improvise them. Yeah. It's an entirely improved podcast. There's no such sight as Mumsnet. There isn't. I'm intrigued by this at the top of the thread,

at the top of the list of Fred, so I know I might be an unreasonable. It says, Share your thoughts on the extended lockdown and coronavirus, 100 pound voucher to be won. Yeah. My thoughts are, it's shit and people are dying, and that shit, do I win the voucher?

Is it a voucher for Mum's Net? It's 20 months at £5 a month for Mum's Net premium, their new income-generating endeavour. You've got 20 months a member. Membership. Well, they post bad takes to you. Mom's that premium, much like Petrol, is about to be in negative balance. They'll send you in a box all the component parts for a bad take.

You have to assemble it yourself. They actually don't have enough places to store bad takes. They're having to pay people to tape them off their hands at the moment. I'll take those takes. I don't know. I don't open the ones that are sponsored generally. That's fair. I was just curious.

As a normally say, like, who it is that they're looking to speak to, and usually the people they're looking to speak to, unsurprisingly, are mums, so they're not aimed at me. But this one's open to anyone. I just still don't care. I can't imagine anyone has any particularly positive thoughts about coronavirus. Also, it's a thread so everyone can see what everyone's said before. So it's like being the last person to go in a team activity

when everyone's taking all the good answers, except on a thread where everyone's trying to win a hundred pounds worth of mums there. Yeah, I think we should all. also aim to increase productivity and satisfy our customers better. I'd just like to echo what everyone else has said about wanting £100 for mums now. I don't think we should build our customer base. I know we've talked about the granular detail and the totality, but have we talked about who cares?

I don't mean audiences, I mean no one gives a damn. Oh, jargon. Shall we do a speed round? Am I being unreasonable? Potential risks of dismantling patriarchy. The risks are that people have more freedom, gender equality. Dangerous. Dangerous.

Dangerous risks. And inequality goes a long way. If you start dismantling patriarchy from the bottom, the whole structure is going to fall on you. Yeah. Before you know it, we've got rid of white supremacy, capitalism, nightmare. Oppression jenga. All those people who are like, oh, it's not the. Prussian Olympics. No, it's oppression jenga. It's very delicate ecosystem. So I looked at that

and it's, it's like a brilliantly bad thread. So I'll post it separately, but it's way too long for the podcast. So that's why it only made the speed round, but I will post it to our Twitter because, oh my Lord, such takes. Amma being unreasonable, brother refusing to get a job that is beneath him. Minor. Amma being unreasonable? Trump 100 thread and we're way down the rabbit home. Is that, that's a sequel to Alley through the looking glass. Oh God. Jump down the rabbit hole.

It is, as I always talk about, those terrible books that come in the humor section near Christmas. Oh yeah. Harry Blobber and the Chamber of Shit. Harry Blobber and the Chamber of Shit. Why would you have a Chamber of Shit, as we know? Although Wizards did just shit where they stood, they magicked it away. Am I being unreasonable, food stuffs and other words, too awful to mention.

Some words just really make me shudder. Also, meal and helping, as in another helping of broccoli. No. Sounds like this person has just got a problem with food. It does seem to me like they might have some disordered thinking around food. And they're trying to make out it's a purely semantic issue. As opposed to a society that teaches us that we should take up as little space as possible. By where you mean women.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Back to the patriarchy. When I say we, I always mean women, because what are men? Do men exist? Why are men? My hot takers, I don't think men exist. Bald.

Bold. Men exist. Bald gender essentialism. Galaxy brain my way right round to being some sort of mum's letter there. No, obviously men exist. And this person sounds... Said real disappointment. There are lots of good men out there

Unfortunately, men exist There are lots of good men out there Name one You Name two Um Look, get back to the point Yeah, these are just

Food related words Meal, like If you can't stomach the word meal So to speak Like what What chance do you have in the world Meals used all over Three times a day

I'm coming round to the word meal Being unpleasant It's one like But I think that's just We've said it so often Mealy. It's a mealy mouth for us. I am thinking of mealy mouth. Like wheat.

Mealy. Wheat is an unpleasant word when you think about it. Wheat. Maybe it's the hard e-sound that I dislike today. Wheat sounds clean. Today, I dislike the hard e-sound. You detest the hard E-serve. I would only be eating rye as a snack. Got wheat in a meal.

And helping. As in another helping of broccoli. What about in other context? So if I am helping you eat your broccoli. I was going to say, that's quite a short use of context, but then you carried on. I am not on board with this thread generally. I do think it smacks as someone trying to run away from their issues with food. And I'm not judging them having issues with food. Like I say, society teaches us to do that. Did you see there was a thing on the BBC the other day that was like, the restaurant where you burn calories? Like, what an ill-advised piece of television to put out in a situation where people are struggling to access food and exercise.

Yeah, I'm not against them for being weird about food. But actually, I'm coming round to all the words they've used here because helping makes me think of school dinners. I don't like that. A helping. Now it sounds I'm getting a helping of, you know, the frozen veg mix that you get in a school dinner. And by time it's your turn, it's cold anyway. So you've got, like, some cold tiny cubes of carrot and some cold tiny peas. Now I'm thinking of that.

Helping does sound like a school dinner's word. Now you've said it, now you've put it in this context, I'm finishing the sentence, steaming helping off with mashed potatoes. Steaming helping, I thought you just going to go with poo. No, I was not like a second helping of poo. That goes in the cave of shit. Foodstuffs is bad.

I agree on foodstuffs. It's like stuff that's food. Foodstuffs, it has a way about it that makes it sound like it's not edible. Food stuff sounds like how you would describe food if you didn't trouble yourself with such fripperies. Yeah. Oh, I just eat food stuff. Well, like, Hewle. Is Hewle a food stuff? I don't think Hewle is even able to claim to be a foodster. I don't know who Hewle is, but I don't think he should be claiming to be food. Like, Heel? Heel. Heel isn't a person? Oh.

Are you thinking of Hugh Fernley Whittingstool? Are you thinking of Hugh Furnley Whittingstall? I've abbreviated everything out of the middle. Hewle low. Hewle, Ory. Hewle, Ory. No, Heel, it's that powdered food stuff that you mix with water and it has all of the nutrients that you need so you don't need to lower yourself to eating. No, hells, that's Nesquick. You're describing Nesquick.

That doesn't have any of the nutrients you need. That only has the bad Nesley takes. The potassium you need. No. Oh, yeah, Nesquick is Nestle. Nestle is to be boycotted. Yeah, so you've got a switch to Hew. Yeah, okay, so I actually, I picked this thread because I was like, what a load of silly nonsense.

And now I feel sorry for this person because they've really, you know, society's done a number on them with their approach to food. And all the words they've chosen are unpleasant. No, I'm willing to concede food stuff, but I think meal and helping are fine. I think helping sounds like it's fine. It's just that when I think about the context in which you would have another helping, It's like a school dinner, maybe a carvery, or maybe a kid at the ice cream bar at Pizza Hut. And all of those things are fine for other people, but I don't want one helping of them, let alone two helpings.

Fair enough. So maybe it's just me and my own weirdness about food. I'd also like to say, I'm saying this person's got a weirdness about food and then saying, oh, but I agree that all these words. Maybe that's also my reason. I don't know. To hear from the thread. Yes. Food stuffs sounds good in a Nigerian accent.

Well, let's hope that that poster is Nigerian. Yeah, we're not going to try that. No. No. I'm not sure that meal is worthy of shuddering to, but clunge is. Nobody says clunge. What's clunge? What's clunge?

Okay, remember the in-betweeners from 12 years ago, those teenage boys who didn't know how to talk about vaginas, vulva? I don't know which bit clunge refers to. I think maybe the whole area. Well, yeah, that's not a food stuff word, though. Well, no, but this is. foodstuffs and other words too awful to mention, not food stuff words too awful to mention. All right. It was just for meal and helping effort. We were just talking about food stuffs.

Well, yeah, and now the next person is saying, I cringe when people say lashings of. I don't know why, but it just sounds wrong. Lashings of ginger beer. Lashings of ginger beer time, the big queer cabaret. Yeah, lashings of ginger beer time indeed. Sure, I was thinking of you need blighton, but also queer cabaret is good. Lashings of ginger beer, though, LGBT. Nice. Yeah. Okay, just making sure that it didn't sound like I'd just. gone off on one. I almost feel embarrassed for the person using the phrase. It feels a bit try

hard to me. What, the word, I don't think it's try hard to say lashings off. No. And that plating up. I despise cup drinks. Okay, people are just talking about food things then. Yeah. Yeah. Well, there we go. Because of our weird attitude to food, we've developed all sorts of language in which to make food shameful and sickening. Yay. And it's working. And then someone's just come along and said holly bobs i don't like holly bobs i think holly bobs yeah that's fine that's not that's not a real word yeah that's a toy affectation yeah maybe i'll think of all holidays as holly bobs for now so that when i'm sad that i'm not going on holiday i'm like oh well i didn't want to go on holly bobs anyway thanks yeah at least i'm not on my holly bobs yeah holly bobs sounds like

an event that you would buy an ill-fitting pair of flip-flops for yeah and like a sarong that you'll never actually wear yeah i don't like holly bobs Should we move on? Stunt Pineapple for Zoom meetings. Lighthearted! Oh, that's good. I'm just about to sign in to my very first online meeting. I'm in my kitchen diner, dressed, well, not in PJs, and hair brushed. Took a look at myself via Zoom to check if I was clear on the screen.

While wind clear up, the kitchen followed, along with strategic placing a fruit bowl with pineapple. Tell me what you've added or removed from your background before video calls. This is lighthearted. it's yeah why a pineapple unclear at this juncture what era was it when pineapples were a symbol of wealth is that Victorian times earlier yeah I think Victorian times

I'd like to think when this person says not in PJs they're in full Victorian get up and they have a pineapple strategically placed in a Victorian bowl well strategically placed makes me think of that kind of joke from Austin Powers where he's naked and various things going in front of his bits in a clever way to make so the camera didn't see his nudity.

Oh. I suppose with perspective, you could set it up so that because of where the pineapple is, you could be entirely naked and the pineapple would cover everything that would need covering. Exactly. And then, but if you needed to type and you were far away from your computer, I guess not everyone's on a laptop, you might have a keyboard that you can take to where you're standing for your perspective shots of you naked, but... You don't have to type on Zoom. You can just speak.

Yeah, but what if someone's like, oh, can you just pull up the document? No, I'm naked. Maybe they're strategically placed, so the pineapple is their head, like in that, is it Matisse, the Matisse painting of the apple? Magriot. Yeah, I don't know how many colleagues of mine, at least, would stand for doing the whole meeting with a pineapple in the live of my face. Hell's pineapple head.

Yeah. Yeah. I think they might say, okay, we've all had our fun, but can you stop it now? And they do that immediately because we cannot have our fun. We're here to work, not to have fun. fun or show off our pineapples. I mean, this person's in their diner, in their kitchen slash diner. Their kitchen diner.

Yeah. So clearly they own some kind of 1950s roadside diner in Nevada. Yeah. And, you know, they're just calling their suppliers for more pineapples. Which they need for... Keep sending the pineapple. We're not open at the moment because of social distancing, but keep sending the pineapple. When it opens again, we'll have loads.

For their pineapple shakes. The teenagers, they're coming down here, they're putting tunes on the jukebox and they're having pineapple shakes. Yeah. Yeah. Is this a thing that people are doing? Are they, like, changing all of their backgrounds to keep up appearances? I've made minor changes to the background of where I have some calls, insofar as if I'm taking

a call, it's going to be a longish one. I do it from the sofa where it's, like, nice and comfy, rather than at a desk where there's not really space for the laptop and a notebook and everything. So I had to change one of the pictures on the wall, because it was a cross-stitch that said, bitch please. I didn't change it for a fresh pineapple. Yeah, whereas I've been sitting at the desk, and behind me at the desk on video calls is the haunted painting that you bought. Yeah, I love that haunted painting. It's a painting of a

haunted, presumably dead girl. Yeah, we call her Mirabelle. It turns out there's like a whole host of paintings like that of a girl who looks like that. It was like a trope. It's like a ghost, a reproducing ghost. Yeah, I love her. But it appears behind me, so I'm glad that Microsoft Teams has added the ability to change backgrounds, which is also on Zoom, so you could have just got, you know, a big pineapple. In fact, you know what I changed my background to on Microsoft Teams, zero day? What? It's, uh, the background is a still from SpongeBob SquarePants.

So it does indeed have a pineapple in it. Because he lives in a pineapple under the sea. SpongeBob SquarePants. Did you do that so your colleagues believe that you lived in a pineapple under the sea? Yeah. Keeping off appearances like, oh no, I don't want my colleagues to know I'm not SpongeBob. I want people to think I own a home. A pineapple under the sea.

And to live so close to our best friend, Patrick, under a rock, next door. Sure, yeah. And his squid word, but I could put up with that. Can you change your background on calls from now on, so it's the background that is your little house in Animal Crossing? Yeah, probably could. That would be super cute, although, I mean, it's your professional life. It's not for me to tell you that you should make all of your colleagues think you live in Animal Crossing. Oh, I thought you meant Animal Crossing is my professional life.

I've certainly spent more time there than at work. paying off my debt to the hated nook it is wild that you're playing this game where you're paying off debt to is it a raccoon uh tanuki but yeah but it looks lovely yeah debt's a specific anxiety trigger for me so it's crazy really yeah that is very odd I think debt's fine most people do

yeah it's anxiety though in it yeah it's true I mean most people think the dentist is not scary but I disagree anyway this person's afraid of pineapple Yeah, we should all set our backgrounds to the thing we fear the most, so we learn more about our colleagues. We could do it as a trust exercise. I'm going to set my background so it looks like I'm at the dentist, and then if I decide I've had enough, I'm just going to turn my camera off and make a drilling noise. Then I'm going to come back clutching my face. Even joking about it is making me anxious.

Oh, yeah, so we all set our backgrounds to the thing we fear the most. Yeah. And then we all know a lot more. Some of these can be quite abstract. Yeah. We should also our backgrounds to our most recent

vivid lockdown dream because then rather than wasting time of people telling you about their lockdown dreams it's just like this low level horror that's going on

while you're busy talking about the totality of the programme and the sensitivities of the situation. It says my room but I photoshop slender man into it or something like you don't want to hear

about people's dreams but actually lockdown dreams have been like pretty out there so just having that as the background like an interesting insight but it saved you the chit-chat Yeah. And it keeps you on your toes so that you don't stagnate during long video meetings.

There we go. I'm going to give up my current job and become a productivity coach. Great. Yeah, you're smashing it. Yeah, when we all have to go back to physical workplaces, I'm going to tell people that they should find out what their colleagues' greatest fears are and then dress up as them. So I look forward to your colleagues arriving at your desk saying that they are bailiffs. Oh, no. They take your keyboard away.

Someone has said, best background competition. What a fucking dweeb, Jesus. Someone's first day on Mumsnet. Yeah, we all get to amuse ourselves. Someone said, I've actually moved rooms. We've all moved around a bit. If you've got rooms to move to, then sure. And then someone has said, I must now buy a pineapple for this purpose. This will be a great way to find out the undercover Mumsnetters. Yeah, look who's got a pineapple. Yeah, everyone look out for a pineapple on your video calls. Maybe we could have a symbol that we could use for our listeners so that people can spot each other on video calls. Maybe that symbol could be dead eyes and despair.

I think we already get that. Good. It will help boost my morale because I'll believe that we have more listeners than we do as I look into all of my colleagues' dead despairing eyes. All of my friends' dead despairing eyes on our Zoom friendships. Am I being unreasonable to ask if your username changes your personality? I am a prolific name changer. Some suit me. And when I reply to people, I feel like it's me.

Sometimes the name change turns me into a real bitch and I reply far more harshly Is it only me that's crazy like this or does your username influence your replies? Well you didn't use the word crazy, it's kind of ablest. I used it early and I'm sorry, but yeah, it's just you that's crazy like this. Yeah, we'll just imagine this person said that they're chaotic. Yeah, yeah, it's just then. But like, why is everyone talking about changing their usernames lately? We had a thread a few weeks ago about how to change your usernames.

Yeah, and then there've been others that I haven't used for the podcast because, I mean, we're not here to promote big username. We're not in the pocket of big username. People just don't have enough to do. What with the lockdown and all? They're just changing their username the way I change clothes in Animal Crossing. And the way I change clothes in real life. How many outfits have I worn today?

Three. Three, it's 8.30 p.m. I have not been anywhere. I went for a walk. I've had three outfits on today. Obviously, you had to change for dinner because you're civilised. You wear full evening gown for dinner. I've got a sequined flapper dress in the cupboard, and I don't think it's going to fit very well anymore, because I think I bought it when I had a different perception of how wide I am.

So I might get it out and just prance around in it, because I think it might be a little bit sort of too flowing to wear as a proper dress. Yeah, don't see why not? Maybe I'll do it for tomorrow's all-staff team meeting at work. See if it will change your personality. I'm going to wear a flapper dress and hold a pineapple, and I'm going to say everyone that my username is Flappy McPineapple. So this person's username today is Mrs. Robinson's handprints.

Do you think Mrs. Robinson's handprints feels like them or do you think it's one of the ones where they're a real bitch? Their words, that's not some casual misogyny. They've said turns me into a real bitch. I'm not sure how the username makes a difference. Like, just keep posting as you would. Yeah? I don't understand how it makes a difference.

Maybe if you're changing your username a lot, you might have to try and change your posting style a little so that any obvious tics that you have don't give away that you've just changed your name. Oh yeah, I suppose if you're trying to hide yourself. Yeah. Because I was thinking of just like when I went on Twitter and changed my username briefly to show support for UCU strikes.

Yeah, no. It was still old Simon. Yeah. It's all Simon. I'm just on strike. Yeah, but you hadn't changed your username so that you could like remove any trail of who you are. Yeah, so that I could talk about turfy bullshit.

Yeah. Do you think all these people who, do all the turfy bullshit have got their turfy bullshit names and they didn't even mean to be turfs. They changed their username one day and they started typing and then all this garbage

just started flowing out of nowhere. Normally, like, they were fine, they were good, they were, if not allies, at least not bigots. And then they changed their username so that people didn't realise that they were the person

who posted the parking thread. And as soon as they started typing, it was just hate speech everywhere. They're like, oh, this username is a turf. Oh! oh no every time you go to type something awful comes out yeah just possessed by the spirit of the curves yeah maybe that's what happens perhaps perhaps so i have a mum's net account because if you've got a mum's net account it means that you can sign in and then you can see all of the

opies posts more easily like if you're looking at my screen you can see the opes posts are all shaded blue i can't remember what the username associated with that is and it's not a username i've ever used for anything else and i've never posted anything but i'm tempted to just like hit reply for that a username I've never used anywhere else and see if what comes out is not me. If it's, yeah, a different personality if you're possessed. Yeah, like what if I start replying? And it's just me being like

this sounds like a great idea, O.P. Everything you say is very good and normal. I agree. Frugality is great. Here's a list of food that my healthy three-year-old ate. He's very skinny. You can see he's ribs. My three-year-old is six foot two. He's always jumping. All this talk about username changes.

Yeah. What if everyone on Mum's net is the same person, just doing username changes. Wouldn't even surprise me? It's like that science fiction sort story, buy your bootstraps. Where the person goes back and forth in time so much, they end up being everyone on earth, their own mother, their own father,

their own grandfather, their own grandmother. It's like that, but on mum's net, everyone is just one person. The pineapple lady was the same person as the foodstuffs lady. Who is the Sistine Chapel lady? Who is the Sistine Chapel lady? Who was in turn both driver and

pedestrian who was pondering the potential risks of dismantling patriarchy who served bread and oven chips at dinner party yeah if it is all one person i'd love to meet her she sounds fascinating monday it's just a live art project that's been going on for years oh wow that explains why i'm so drawn to it yeah we just don't get it things i enjoy very much live art anti-comedy no but if that's the case then why would it let me interact with it maybe it's part of The theatre, it's interactive theatre. You of all people should know this. Yeah, but if it's interactive theatre and other people are interacting,

it's no longer just one person, is it? Gotcha. You're going to improv jail. No. What is improv jail? What happens at improv, do you have to do a lot of object work for the bars? Yeah, there's always terrible object work. I don't really.

have an attention span for object work. I remember being an improv class once. And it was a class that I wasn't particularly enjoying, and I didn't particularly get on with the teacher. But she'd set us off doing some pointless object work, and she was like, yeah, it'll really ground your scene. And then I just sort of stopped doing it. And she was like, um, Helen, you aren't washing a car. And I was like, no, I know. And she was like, uh, what she meant was you're supposed to be washing a car. But all she was doing was reaffirming that, yeah, of course I'm not washing a car. You silly,

You looked down at your hands and realised, wait a minute, this is all make-believe. We're just doing make-believe here. And you threw down your imaginary squeegee and walked out. No, I think my imaginary squeegee just sort of disintegrated as I slowly got bored with having it. Whatever. I don't want to go to improv chair, and I don't want to have to do that much object work. Yes, and you don't have to. Yeah!

And scene. My name changes are mostly to avoid identification. this is my main one but the others I might reveal more personal details in them so they might be related to the situation I'm posting about so they don't casually influence my manner i.e it's not because of my username it's the other way round I've changed both my username and posting style because of the post content well that makes sense that's kind of like what I was saying about you know

if you're trying not to be identified you might have to take on a new tone yeah I suppose but like what if the problem that you're posting about is your problem it is that you just can't stop being a real bitch Am I being unreasonable to be a bitch? And then people reply and they're like, you shouldn't be a bitch and you're like, fuck you! Oh! And then you changed to your calm username and saying, sorry about that.

Am I being unreasonable to ask what you have most enjoyed singing with your neighbours? One of our neighbours has come up with a great idea. All of us singing something together after clapping for carers. Hugely looking forward to it and love to know what you would most enjoy singing with your neighbours, guessing something that's uplifting appeals to all generations and where most people know most of the words. The Beatles keeps springing to mind. Enter Sandman, Metallica.

Enter life. Finally, something for our carers I can get on board with. All of Kionis Gatsu. I think the obvious answer is Boom Shackalak. Yeah. By Apache Indian. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you for why.

I'll tell you for why. The Great British Sing-A-Long they do on all of the BBC popular music stations. The sing-along they do on a Thursday morning, two weeks ago, they passed over to the BBC Asian Network, and they were like, what song have you selected to say thank you to our hard-working nurses? And they were like, Boom Shack-A-Lack by Apache Indian. And then we all listened to Boom Shack-Ak, while presumably most of the people listening actually did what they were told and sang along.

Yeah. So everyone's sitting alone, isolated, in their little homes. singing boomshackalak for our hardworking nurses. I mean, why is it written in this way? It's written as if this person is themselves a radio DJ, hugely looking forward to it, and would love to know what you would most enjoy singing with your neighbours. Is this how normal people speak?

It doesn't feel natural. It's a different posting style for a different username. I think I would most enjoy singing with my neighbours, 433 by John Cage. Interesting, because should we look down the thread? I did someone say that? Multiple people have said that. My joke.

Your joke. My joke. Can't believe you're stealing jokes from mum's neck. I really do have to go to improv jail. Oh, no. You need something that goes with the clapping. Staying alive. Ah, uh, uh, uh, staying alive, staying alive.

And that'll support carers who are doing CPR. Yeah, it seems in terribly bad taste, given the current mortality rates. Oh, yeah. What else does that go with? I think if I opened the windows, at 8pm on a Thursday in the current situation and everyone was leaning out their windows singing staying alive.

I would assume it was one of those vivid lockdown dreams that I'd have to set as my background for my video calls. That's not on. I didn't mean it to be like that just because of the beat. Don't stop me now. I'm having such a good time. Again, that's poor taste. Having such a good time.

Well, what's upbeat but not in poor taste? Oh, I don't know. Lean on me. I guess. Is that upbeat? Perfect day. Perfect day. It was actually think of train spotting, though.

It's a great song to have a heron overdose too. Oh, we're such... No, it's not an appropriate song. So we're back to Boom Shackalak. We've been through every song. And now we're back to Boom Shackalak. Enter Sandman, 433. It all comes back to Boop Shackalak.

By Apache Indian. God save the queen. by the sex pistols. These would be hard to sing along to, though. The thing is, it sounds absolutely unbearable, but then those videos of people singing from their lockdown in Italy were lovely. They have better acoustics over there because of all the piazzas. Yeah, and I guess also it didn't seem like someone had tried to engineer it through Mumsnet.

There might be an Italian equivalent of Mumsnet, and that is how it came about, but it didn't have that feeling. Most people are saying just no. Someone said the Russian national anthem. Yeah. Which is a banger. The Soviet national anthem is a banger. I don't know about the current Russian national anthem.

Yeah, the Soviet... Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah, I mean, that leads to we should sing the Internationale, we should sing the red flag. How about the history of the USSR to the Tetris music? Yeah. Because that's great. By a pig with a face of a boy. Yeah.

Yeah. I am the man who arranges the blocks. continue to fall from up above. And then you'd really learn a lot about your neighbours because you'd see the point at which they dropped out because it got too fast for them. Yeah. Meo, meo, weo, real.

Yeah, great. And then you could win clapping for carers by being the last person still going on the speedy Tetris. It's all well and good, isn't it? Like, if you want to have a little sing-along, that's great. But if you... Just don't involve your neighbours. And if you're going to put a note through the door

saying we should all sing a song, I think you should suggest what song. It seems like you're being very lazy by coming up with part of an idea and they're making other people do the legwork. I think next Thursday, which is all lean out of our windows and while we're clapping,

have a brief discussion on what, a shouted discussion on what song to do next the week after. Yeah, and then we have a week to practice. And then we have a week to practice. Because at 8pm, you'll hear lots of people bickering about which Beatles song is going to be most uplifting. Yeah. So I was, so I was, so I was, say, you go. You, what? No, you go. It's fine.

it's cool so I was so no sorry we went again how about if we played the captain Tom you'll never walk alone what Michael Ball and Captain Tom sang you'll never walk alone is he from Liverpool no he's from Keithley why is that what is that happening I don't know he hasn't really got the pipes for it have you heard you heard Jarvis Cockers new stuff his name's job is anyway so then we sang pink glove by pulp for our carers and it was dirty. Everyone on the thread is saying this is a bad idea really. So there's that.

Head down, ass up. Great, head down, ass up. For the carers. For the carers. Should we do one more speed round? Am I being unreasonable? What colour is this shoe? Blue, a blue shoe.

Am I being unreasonable? Pooh for dinner. Sorry. Ah, yeah, that is unreasonable. Don't serve that. This is why people have disordered eating, because you keep serving them poo. Am I being unreasonable to sit here, diagram. Oh, I wonder where it is.

The diagram points directly to a table inside a pub, which is very busy. Yes, social distancing. And being unreasonable, freezing cold slur. Oh, cold slur ice lollick. Cold slough. Cold slough. Slaw. Cold slaw.

There it is. You put it in ice cubes, mix it in a drink. Yeah. A little cold slaw drink. Cool down. Your whiskey with a little cold slaw. I have some film reviews up of the BFI Flair, LGBTQ Plus festival. And also Andrew Cotting's The Whalebone Box, which I believe is still available on Mooby, and is weird.

That's at take1 cinema.net. I have nothing. I have nothing left to give. We might do another live show at some point over YouTube. Yeah, that'd be good. Another live show. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you.

I hope you're holding up better than I am, by the sound of it. Yeah, take care out of the wash your hands. Take care in there. Don't go out there. You are allowed out. Wash your hands and sneeze into your elbows. Thanks. Bye.

Bye. Right now, right now, right now.