You Are Being Unreasonable - 095 - Hyper-capitalist predatory alphas and platonic cuddle-friends

Episode Date: March 4, 2021

"CAKE UP, MUMMY!" We're pleased to outline the roadmap for easing restrictions on this podcast. Soon you'll be able to listen to this podcast outside with one other person. This episode, we thoroughly roast those hyper-capitalist predatory 20 year-olds who are invariably business coaches, recruitment agents, or estate agents. Is it unreasonable to object to a builder taking a fireplace (after you've told them to take it)? What about objecting to work making you walk 1000 steps a day? Is it unreasonable to take a neighbour as a platonic cuddle-friend? Or to stop asking neighbours to keep meowing out the window? References: The redecorated globe: https://twitter.com/leemc87/status/1365059611288559617 Northern Independence Party angry at a parasitic landlord: https://twitter.com/FreeNorthNow/status/1364909811746414592

Hello, driving on drugs feels better when their prescription. All I know is the world looks beautiful, the world looks so damn beautiful. I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think about I felt that day, when I felt the way that I do right now, right now. I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I felt that day. Hello.

Hello, welcome to your being unreasonable. the podcast about people being unreasonable on mumsnet.com with me, Hells. And me, Simon. What's new with you, Simon? I mean, nothing's new with me. We can't really go outside. You're an out of outside for exercise. Done any sweet exercise lately?

No, this is terrible. Let's just do the speed round. Let's just do the speed round and think about how the roadmap might change things, but probably won't. It's the roadmap for this podcast. The roadmap for this podcast? Mm-hmm.

Okay, well... In March, you'll be... be able to listen to this with a friend outside. Yeah, you can have a snack or a drink as you do that. Yeah. And then a bit later in March, you can listen to it with more friends outside with a snack and a drink. Mm-hmm.

Soon, at the end of March, they'll be playing it in schools and colleges and universities. Yeah, and the students at the big school have to wear masks, but the students at the little school don't. While they listen to the podcast. The teachers should be prepared to sacrifice their lives. For the podcast. Podcasters should be able to sacrifice their lives. And let's just do the speed round. Am I being unreasonable to think that vaccination cards are very unfair?

No. Am I being unreasonable to think that Prince Harry is coming across as the most tone deaf and hypocritical member of the royal family right now? Yes. Yes, you are. Because she's not. For them's a paedophile. Well, but not a hypocrite. And that's what matters on mum's net. Am I being unreasonable? I think it's either better to know or it isn't.

No, you're not being unreasonable. One of those options has to be true. You can't argue with that logic, can you? No. You just can't. Unassailable. And am I being unreasonable to ask my neighbours to stop meowing

out of the window? Lighthearted, I think. You think? I think this is lighthearted. Until it turns dark. Yeah. Until they have sordid reasons for meowing out the window. Oh no.

Murder reasons. Oh. Oh no, well, let's just do a thread. I'm being unreasonable. My builder just took my fireplace. I am currently having some building work done and a fireplace in the bedroom had to be removed. It's a very pretty Victorian-tiled one.

I had intended to sell it, but with lockdown and not having any place to store it, I told my builder to get rid of it. At 7.30 this Saturday morning, my husband answers the door to one of the builders saying he needs to take some stuff from our site. He doesn't say what he is taking. We weren't expecting them today,

although they usually work on most Saturdays, so we weren't surprised to see them. It's only when my husband sees a van from a fireplace specialist outside that he clicks that the builders have sold our fireplace. By then, it's too late to go and stop them, as they leave before my husband can go talk to them. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed that my builder didn't tell me what he was up to, or am I being ungrateful as I told him to get rid of it?

I feel it was a bit underhand as it just happened without my knowledge. Should I say anything to my builder or let it go? Hmm. Should I say anything to my builder? Or... My builder, like my butler. My employee. Or let it go.

I'll let it go. Should we just run through the timeline of things that happened here? Yes, please. So they're having work done and they were going to sell the fireplace and they decided, no, we won't sell the fireplace. And then they said to the builder, get rid of the fireplace. fireplace. At which point in the timeline it became the builder's property. Exactly. I think that's important as we continue the timeline. Then the builder arrived at 7.30 on a Saturday morning, the only part of this which currently I think is unreasonable. That's too early. And says,

I need to take some stuff from the site. Okay, that's fine. They're just taking their stuff. They're just removing rubbish. So the builder came and took their stuff away from the site. And then the husband saw that the fireplace, which belonged to the builder was being loaded into a van. I imagine he saw the builder loading this into the fireplace and the fireplace specialist, who in my mind has a top hat, giving a fat stack of cash to the builder, and the builder is just ostentatiously counting it. It's like a cartoon transaction sitting through binoculars.

By then it was too late to do anything. Too late, the transaction's done. Yeah, and at the end of this timeline, there's just a seething O.P. Yeah. The problem is that it was too late to do anything once you gave it to the builder as his responsibility to get rid of. It seems unusual to me that the builder found somebody willing to take a fireplace away at 7.30 a.m. on a Saturday and yet you decided that getting rid of a fireplace was very difficult. And so you lumbered this task on the builder. And I don't know if a builder's job usually involves removing things that you don't want. Surely they can throw it in a skip, but I think you need to organise the skip as part of it. the work. Yeah, it's just a canny builder. So you know how's the builder to do something outside of their remit? They're a builder. They're not a waste disposal service. They're allowed to get paid. If they can, I imagine if they can sell some of the refuse, then why wouldn't they? Bit on the

side. It's a cany, cany builder. He's a cany, cany builder. I intended to sell it, but with lockdown and not having any place to store it, I told my builder to get rid of it. But the builder correctly recognised that you store it on the building site with all the rubble. Storage isn't an issue if a fireplace specialist has a van. I just don't understand where this person didn't do a moment's research in how to sell a fireplace. What did they think they were going to have to do? They think they were going to have to leave it sitting in their hallway and put it on Facebook marketplace. They didn't think to just have a quick look to see if there's anyone who would come and collect a fireplace.

Oh, better, yeah, say to the builder, do you know how we can sell this? Do you have any contacts in the fireplace industry? Yeah, the builder clearly recognised this person for what they are, a lazy chump. and thought, great, great, you know what, I've been working hard, manual work, tiring, might as well make a quick extra buck, because it's a little bit less tiring, by selling this valuable thing that this woman seems to think is just too much hassle. Yeah, no, the problem is that the OP gave up on it too fast, gave up on it way too quickly, and didn't even ask the builder if they could shift it.

Like dumping someone and then seeing them with someone new and being outraged. Yeah, oh no, I've made a mistake. Oh no. I did want the fireplace in my heart after all, or at least the money that would have come from selling the fireplace. I wouldn't get rid of a pretty tiled Victorian fireplace in my gaff, to be honest. I mean, I'm sorry to my listeners whose homes look like this, but I'm not that sorry. I imagine that they are pulling it out so they can make everything very, very grey, just the same shade of grey, and then they're going to put like a brushed cotton, a brushed velvet sofa in,

and maybe some rose gold accessories. Yeah. I think that's... What I'm saying is, you're basic. Did you see this week? It was going around Twitter. It was this woman who had taken this beautiful old Victorian globe. No, I can't even.

It's so offensive to me. Yeah, so you've seen it. Like for any listeners who haven't seen it. Covered it in sort of, painted it white, I guess. Painted it entirely white, including the globe. Yeah. And written on it in that font, you know the font. Oh, we all know the font

Live, Laugh, Love, where's my Prosecco? Paseco O'Clock. Mommy needs gin. Those kinds of trite phrases. And it just looked. It's absolutely hideous. Yeah. And it was such a beautiful glow. I don't know why they'd done that.

I don't know why they didn't get a simple plain white something to begin with. Yeah, just a plain end table. You could have painted with your trite shit. So maybe it is best that this person tore this out of their home and a builder got to sell it on, because maybe the alternative is they were going to paint it rose gold, and then they were going to write, I don't know, something dreadful on it. Should we hear from the thread?

Yeah, I'm just looking at the page now, and I can see four out of five responses say exactly the same thing. You told him to get rid of it, so he did. But then there's one. The one that doesn't say that sounds like the worst person, because that person says, yes, You call your builder and you tell him he owes you the price received, as it wasn't he's to sell. But it very much was he used to sell. Did you miss the part where the OP said, hey, builder, get rid of my own crap for me. I'm too lazy to do it. This is yours now.

Yeah, at which point, the OP's rubbish became the builder's property. Yeah. Became the fireplace specialist, lovely fireplace. Yeah, I mean... So I think, yeah, four out of five mum's netters, I think this person's unreasonable. Well, no, that's now turning to nine out of ten's mum's netters. Oh, now there's so much more. Turned into 13 out of 14 mums nesses.

Yeah. I mean, now people are saying, like, surely this post isn't really. Are you the builder and you're trying to get verification that your client is absolutely bonkers? Oh, yeah, a reverse in Mumsnet parlance. A reverse. People are asking if it's a reverse. Sadly, it is not a reverse. Is there ever a case for saying if you give something to someone, they're not allowed to sell it on?

I guess if... Like, a dog? I don't know. If you have someone, a dog to look after. with the intent that you'll go and look at it every of a weekend or whatever. Why if you, so you haven't given them a dog to look after, you've asked them to look after your dog, but all the time. I don't know.

Maybe you're too ill to take care of the dog, and you give them the dog to look after, and they sell the dog. Yeah, that's bad. I think then you'd be peeved. If you've been framed for a series of murders by someone you thought was a friend, and then your other friend is looking after all your rescue dogs, and your other friend sold all your rescue dogs, that would be bad. That would be very bad, but I imagine you've got bigger problems there

because you're Will Graham, and you're describing Hannibal, which we're binging at the moment. I just think Will Graham would have been absolutely broken if after all that, when things started to look like they're on the up and up again, it turned out that Alana Bloom sold all of these dogs. Alana had been gaslit by Hannibal into doing it. Hannibal's pettiest crime yet. I suppose, like, if you propose to someone and they immediately take the ring

and then they don't even put it on, they just take the box as well, slip it in a pocket and immediately call a jeweller. Yes, that would be pretty bad. That's a problem. That's a problem. I think I can't. These are all based on emotional attachments. A person for a dog, a person for a ring, a person for some rubbish that you told you

a builder to get rid of. It's not the same emotional attachments. No, no. Like I see scrap metal collectors out sometimes rifling through the bins looking for scrap metal and I think, you know, good on them. I'm not going to go down there and check if any of that is my scrap metal. No, man, got to be hustling. Yeah. If they're hustling and you can't be bothered to hustle. I frankly cannot be bothered to hustle. I throw everything out. I have no interest in hustling. I'm doing my bit for the hustlers of this world by leaving my old crap for them to hustle. I hustle nine to five at a desk. With that, shall we move on to this thread?

Am I Being Unreasonable, 22-year-old business-slash mindset coach? I have been looking around for a business coach recently. In my investigations, I've come across some guy who's 22 years old. And from what I can tell, the only business he's ever built is the fucking coaching business he's trying to flog. Now, I may be getting old. I'm 38. But am I being unreasonable?

To say that, quite frankly, this is fucking ridiculous. Along the way, I've found other coaches that have also set up, and when I look at their LinkedIn profiles, in the nicest way, their jobs before will be along the lines of recruitment agent or PA. Again, now not wrong with this, but being a business advisor, sorry, no. I do get that you can retrain, but am I being unreasonable to say this is absolute nonsense? They're on their hustle, man. They're on their hustle. Gotta be hustling.

But this is a bad hustle. Now, yeah, this is this, this is a very specific kind of person, isn't it? It really is. 20-year-old in a suit that's too tight. Oh, yeah. The shirt's too tight. It's popping open. Yeah, and they want you to know that, though, so that you realize that they are an alpha. Yeah.

An alpha would be their team name on, The Apprentice. Yeah. Ordering a dress with very tall, high heels. Either way, this is the, this is the, kind of predatory capitalist 20-year-old who is always a business coach or a recruitment agent or a estate agent or a consultant. This person. A recruitment consultant.

I think their first piece of voice to anybody who approaches them is that you should use more reflexive pronouns so that people know that yourself is important. Yeah, what I'm going to do today, I'm going to take yourself to look at some houses and see what investments myself can can give yourself today. Does that sound okay? I feel like these people do a really good line in somehow convincing like public sector and third sector employers that for some reason they have value. People like, oh yeah, we'll mix it up, we'll get someone from the private sector. Okay, that's not inherently a bad idea. I mean, maybe it is. But that's where these people thrive. The other training courses I've been on with someone who doesn't understand the

sector, turns up, offers some bad advice, gets my name wrong, and then wonders why I'm not responding well to it and thinks that my negativity is what's held me back in the third sector when I could be in the big business sector. Like, no, no. Yeah. We get these in university IT all the time. These, like you say, private sector consultants coming in and talking about how we should be looking at AI and blockchain, you know, neural networks and these cutting edge technologies and we're like mate we just need a replacement student system like just a system to hold the student records a big grand thanks there's this coach in the fundraising world in which i have worked and i have no time for her and a lot of people that i used to work with thought

that she was amazing and she gave this amazing advice but the one time that i saw her talking she began by shouting, cake up, mummy! And telling us that she'd learned an important lesson from her two-year-old, which is that you don't always need to get it right, but you'd always need to get going. Cake up, mummy. I think we've pretty much exposed our bias against this kind of capitalist 20-year-old.

Yeah. Maybe you're listening to this podcast, either at the gym or in your white sob, driving to the gym. And I'm sorry, but I don't think this podcast is for you. Yeah. Maybe you should be, I think you're looking for the Joe Rogan podcast to witness, aren't you? And us not liking you is not a sign that we don't want to succeed at business.

No, we obviously want to succeed in business. That's why I'm going to read business secrets of the pharaohs, written by my people, fictional people. No, again, this reminds me of this lad I saw on Twitter. that got into an altercation with the Northern Independence Party because he's this southern guy who was extolling the virtues of buying cheap up north and then renting at inflated costs and making out that it was an investment in the North. Hmm, yes, yes, charming.

But people dug it into his past and he'd done all kinds of scams around business coaching, like had people sign up to a coaching course and then just taking their money and sent them like a PDF. a right chance of I'm doing a writing coaching program at the moment I am being coached in writing I'm not

I haven't set up a writing coaching program on the basis I've written a little bit no but the guy doing like he's legit and he's very experienced and it's a very like well-renowned calls but the guy doing it told me at the start how many PDFs he was going to send me and honestly I nearly just logged out of that call

That's great, so this is a 16 PDF course That's two PDFs for every week at the course Those PDFs are going to add genuine value to your portfolio Honestly, why are you telling me about your PDFs And why do I have to keep a straight face Meanwhile, I'm telling him that I'm trying to write this book About member-led marketing And now I find scammers and cults to be the same type of fascinating as one another

And he's like, great, so in PDF 23. No, he's legit. Yeah, I think the one exception that I would make to this is the OP questioning whether a PA would be in a position to be a business coach. And all the PAs I've ever met have been running the show for the hopeless chief execs that they've been looking after. PAs become privy to so much stuff and they get so much like leadership level work dumped on them

because the person that they're P-Aing for just can't be bothered. Yeah, I think actual PAs do a lot of the heavy lifting. And I think if you're one of these predatory PAs on the grind, you'd just call yourself an executive assistant or something like that. Yeah. I think you'd boost yourself up. Yeah, you would. So perhaps if you are on the grind, but you're still saying you were a P.A.

Not very good at the grind yet. You're not very good at the grind. Perhaps you and I should start coaching the predatory coaches and how to be better at being predatory coaches. Yeah, I think that would be an immensely cynical way to make money Yeah, we need to go straight in at the top of the pyramid They think the pyramid's got a top where they're above the top of the pyramid We're on top of the pyramid doing a little jig

The problem is, I think with my frame To find suits and shirts that will be tight enough I'll have to start looking in the children's section Yeah, you would be Because the biceps need to be, you know, bursting against the fabric Yeah They need to be so tight because I think that's what looks good. Yeah, they do.

The buttons need to be stretching, popping. That's okay. I mean, for some reason, the clothing section of our local Marks and Spencer still seems to be open, as long as you also buy something from the food hall, so I can pick you up a little boy's suit next time I'm buying some crumpets. Then, yeah, then we can do a course on how to add genuine value. my hair is too wavy to be a recruitment or whatever the coach it needs to be so so straight it needs to be so straight yeah and i never overplucked my eyebrows in the naughtys so that's also a

problem i could start overplucking them but i'm really bizarrely proud of my thick dark eyebrows my luscious eyebrows i'll get some prosthetics to cover up that bit someone has responded saying he can call himself Santa Claus if he likes, but if he can't magic up reindeer and a sleigh on 24th December. Santa Claus doesn't magic up reindeer and a sleigh. He keeps them, you know, in a shed and stables. Yeah, he doesn't kill them at the end of each Christmas day and start a fresh next year.

Click his fingers and make new reindeer. This is ridiculous. Absurd. I know a 21-year-old life coach, her mother is a family member, I can hardly keep a straight face when she talks about her D-D's business. Oh, it's just all peep show. in his old peep show tonight Life coach

She's a child who's never left home And can't work the washing machine Whose mother has to get her out of bed in the morning As she's quote Not good with alarms and shit I'm sorry That sounds aspirational You've never needed to learn how to do chores

And you don't have to get yourself up in the morning Yeah Yeah great coach people on that I think yeah That is the age to be a life coach So about 21 Because you do think you know it all Do you? Some people do

I think I thought I knew it all when I was maybe sort of 16 and by 21 I'd already had a breakdown about what I knew. Probably me too. We're at early blooms. I think the only thing I knew for sure by 21 was trust no bitches and that mayonnaise goes with everything. Coaching seems to be becoming prevalent as an MLM business. Business coach, life coach. I saw a thread I'll hear about a fertility coach charging hundreds of pounds. It turned out to be dishing out with vice on extremely.

diets and herbs. Extreme herbs. Chives, coianda. To the extreme. Oh my. No. Now, I think we've roasted these business coaches in a... Yeah. Let's move on. Am I being unreasonable, work forcing walks? My whole team is working from home. The manager has decided that everyone needs to walk a thousand steps a day on their lunch hour for the next month. We've been put into teams and have to record the steps and the team of the most will win half a day off. There are a few people, not keen to take part, but everyone has been put into a team anyway. And we're being unreasonable to think this is stupid. I understand the idea is to get people away from their desk, etc.

But the way it's being done is so that you're letting your team down if you don't take part, and I think that is unfair. Surely it would be better to give people a choice without the guilt. A thousand steps a day. Worker going to be recording it, putting it in a spreadsheet, how many steps you do. Taking note, it will come up in your appraisal. not been doing enough steps can't move up the pay scale

sorry because you 996 steps on the 16th of February yeah but on the 15th of February I did 23,000 steps so I was a bit tired steps cannot carry over we've talked about this Julie last place I've tried to suggest

doing this and I got a little bit uptight about it and said that for those of us who have a history of not feeling comfortable with our body or whatever it could be extremely triggering that all of our colleagues can see how much we're moving and my colleague who I didn't particularly like

says, I don't think you understand it's not competitive, it's just a fun way for us all to get involved and I was like, I've literally said this could be triggering for people with a history of body dysmorphia and you're just saying, I don't think you understand. If it's not competitive, then why are we logging it? Yeah. What's the point of logging it?

Ridiculous. I think there's nothing wrong with work encouraging walks and my workplace says if you want to go out for a walk during the working day, during this unprecedented global international health crisis. Go for it. Yeah. If it's work telling you to do a thousand steps a day and then write it in a shared spreadsheet, that's a problem.

Yeah. I think, yeah, the last place I worked, we're very, very keen to do this. And it's only that none of my friends who still work there have text me knowing how much I railed against this, that I'm certain that it's none of them writing this post. That and the fact that the chief exec would have thought a thousand steps a day was meagre and for terrible people with no discipline. It's always a difference between encouragement and forcing you to do it. The same with like pronouns at work.

Like putting pronouns in email signatures, encouraging people to do that can be a good thing because it increases visibility of pronouns and makes, you know, non-he-she pronoun people feel more able to put in their pronouns. And also it normalises it for people who are using pronouns that might not be what people would immediately... That's what I meant to say, normalize this.

Yeah, so it means that if everyone who feels able to do it, does it? You're not immediately outing yourself by putting your pronouns in something. Yeah, but the distinction is we work forcing you to do it. When your manager says everyone needs to put their pronouns in their email signature, and you get to a point where that might be forcing someone to out themselves. I work in the LGBT plus sector, so I don't know what would happen if someone said they didn't want to put their pronouns in something. I don't think anyone would have a go at them at all. but I think there is more of a culture of it being the expectation

I feel like within the premise of that sector I can see how that has come about but now that you say it I'm like that's a bit strange actually yeah I wonder what would happen if I just didn't ever say what my pronouns were I'm not going to do that I'm not going to be like hey I'm quite new at this job and I'm like really grateful to be here this is a great opportunity but also no ha ha ha free syncope but yeah these differences in power dynamics between being encouraged

a workplace encouraging you and a workplace telling you to do something make a big difference yeah absolutely and I do think that this sort of thing you know they say that it's so that your team building as well

was the logic they used at the place I work that wanted to do this they're like oh we'll put you in teams and it's team building but it's not team building because I never understand competition as team building competition by its nature is setting people against each other and why you would want to create internal difficulties like that

where a load of your colleagues have got half a day off you don't have half a day off because you have somebody on your team for this who is less able or just less willing which is also perfectly valid that's not team building being like oh yeah great Sally in my team isn't working this afternoon

because she didn't have a fatty in her thing now you hate Sally you hate your colleague who is in your team it's terrible it's a warped idea of team from people whose primary mode of work is competition. So your 22-year-old business coach and his pals who think that competition is team-building because they're always competing,

because they're on the grind, because they're apprentice candidates. Yeah, yeah. Because capitalism has set them against one another, and they think that that's the only way to be a team, not to be in a community, not to work together. Competition is team building really upsets me. I just find it creates such an uncomfortable atmosphere.

I went to this away day and for some reason they randomly allocated the teams and it was me and all of the senior management on one team which obviously meant that people felt like it was fair game to be like, way we frust you! I'm not a senior manager. I don't deserve this.

I haven't implemented any terrible policies. Games are exercises where you work together are better. We need to get a fox, a sheep and a chicken across a river. Well, I was going to suggest you might not want to play it at the moment, but pandemic is a good board game where you have to work together. You're working with people against a deadly pandemic.

Yeah, but then you'll get business coaches who'll be on the side of the pandemic because they think that it's shown initiative. Am I being unreasonable to take a platonic cuddle friend? My DH is a lovely man and we have a great relationship. He's great with the kids, etc, etc. The only issue is he's lack of physical affection. He's always complimenting me and saying he loves me and I love me and I love him. look wonderful, but he just won't touch me. He's always been like this. It's just who he is. This was fine for the first few years, but I'm really starting to crave some human contact.

We discussed this a number of times, and he says he'll do more, but he never does for more than a day or two. It just doesn't seem to be possible. It's gotten so bad that I've started to think about asking my next door neighbour for a cuddle. We're on good terms, I'm not attracted to him at all, but he just looks like he'd give really good cuddles. D.H. is fine with this in principle, we're not in the UK, so COVID is no concern. But he's worried that next-all neighbour's wife will flip if I bring this up, and it'll ruin our friendship. I didn't think this would be a big deal since we get along so well, but DH is making me think I'm a bit of a freak. Oh no, we all need a cuddle now and then. I was so on the side of this OP. I was like,

this is such a sad little story. Like, you're compatible in all the ways it's set for this cuddle thing. Oh, and then I got to the point where she was going to just chap on the door and say, Can we become platonic cuddle friends? Well, yeah, I was wondering how you broached this without it sounding like swinging. Yeah. Or an invitation to a freesum. Even swigging, I think, would be easier to broach

because that's an established thing. I feel like trying to explain that you simply want a cuddle. Hey, how are you, how are you? Do you need a cuddle? I need a cuddle, cuddle. I'm not attracted to you at all. At all.

Just think you look like you'd give really good cuddles. Oh, you'd give good cuddles. I mean, the bit where you explain that you think they give really good cuddles, but you clarify that there's no attraction there, seems like it would set you off on the wrong path of upsetting someone. I think the way to get into this conversation is by talking about their arms. Say they're out gardening and you say, those arms look, how are those arms for pulling out weeds?

They look good for good arms for weeds. Yeah. There'd probably be good cuddle arms now I can come to think about it. We should test it, maybe. Or you could make up a friend who has this situation, be like, yeah, I was talking to Jessie, and she told me, actually, that, weird thing, her and her next-door neighbour have become platonic cuddle friends.

And actually, it's weird, isn't it? I looked it up. But I don't know, what do you think about Jesse's situation? And as you do it, you yawn. Do you think you could ever be a platonic cuddle? friends with a next-door neighbour, not the next-door neighbour on the other side. Oh, you do have to clarify that, because you'd be gutted, wouldn't you, if you still weren't getting any cuddles and your next-door neighbour, Mr Cuddlishes.

They go out cuddling every night at 6pm, and you just have to watch through the window. Single tear. Single tear. Cuddling yourself, because self-touch is good, too. Self-touch is good, too. You know, in sort of mid-summer where I was really struggling with, the ongoing COVID nonsense, really struggling. Someone's seen you to me at work as a genuine piece of advice.

We're often recognising that they were creating a toxic work environment, recommended self-tapped, and also I was cuddling myself. It's like, I'm going to pretend this conversation never happened. No, no. Well, I hope you don't feel like you need to go to a next-door neighbour for cuddles. I think you're more physically affectionate than I am, not to this extent. No, I don't think I would take a platonic cuddle. I've written it like some Victorian, I don't know, like a dowager.

We're conducting a platonic cuddle affair. I would be unlikely to take a cuddled friend. Like take a lover, take a wife. These are things that I have heard of. Mr. Darcy, I would, if you're interested, take you as a platonic cuddle friend. I'm not interested. That sounds very weird. Sir.

I just don't think it's on. Maybe she could get a big dog. Yeah, a big cuddly dog. Yeah, I think that's probably a better solution. Get a big cuddly dog and leave your poor next door neighbor alone. Or one of those, you know, anime body pillars. There's anime body pillars. Yeah, but that won't help with the fact that she wants to be held.

You can get them with arms. But they won't give the squeezy grip of a good cuddle, will they? No, probably not. You could get one that was like a robot. cuddle but the squeezy grip might go too far and then at least she died doing what she loved being cuddled though he said he's never been one for yeah yeah but things that you don't think will be an issue I suppose over time mm-hmm mm-hmm over time you're trying to hug the neighbour his wife will think you're an absolute crackpot and I don't blame her one bit

no I think you need to cuddle both of them someone said yeah ask next to our neighbour's wife for a cuddle yeah it needs to be a little cuddle thruple yeah little cuddle thru sounds lovely. Yeah. Someone said, so you live in a COVID-free country? Well, they could be in your bubble. Are you allowed to cuddle your bubble?

You are allowed to cuddle your bubble. Yeah, they could be in the bubble. You can hire a professional hugger or become one yourself. They earn like 70 quid an hour. 70 quid an hour? So many grifters today. I'm not one for cuddling,

but especially strangers, but 70 quid an hour. No, you're not allowed to use up all of your cuddle energy to bring in money that we can't spend because it's a lockdown. And I'd get COVID. And I'd get COVID-19. I'm related to this.

I've noticed that on Mumsnet, people on Mums there, they started talking about coronavirus, and they said COVID-19, because they'll take themselves very seriously. And now they've started calling it SARS-Cov, whatever it is, like actually writing it all out. It doesn't make anyone think you're important. Yeah, you don't have to talk about the novel coronavirus COVID-19 like that.

Yeah, like Fauci's not going to fuck you. I don't know why you're doing this. Especially in this country. Matt Hancock's not going to fuck you. Thank God. Thank God. If you needed a cuddle, but your cuddlishest name was Matt Hancock. Yeah, I know this is coming.

Which member of the cabinet would you take as a blotonic cuddle friend? If you had to. Oh, I don't know. I just don't know. Gove seems pretty cuddly. No, I feel like Gove would have a smell. Gove looks like you. He's got a smell.

Like, not necessarily a bad one, but one that is very distinct. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think Gove has a smell. Like a carbolic soap. I bet Gove uses carbolic soap. Gross. Harks back to a better time. I've cuddled Joe Biden.

Yeah? Yeah. And then whispering is there, why you're still putting kids in cages. Yeah. If you cuddle Joe Biden, then you are one step removed from cuddling Amy Polar. Because she cuddled Joe Biden in Parks and Rex. Yeah, six degrees of platonic cuddle friends. Yeah, which would then take you only one degree from Nick Offerman.

Great. I assume there must be a bit in Parks and Rec where she gets him. Nick Offerman, the ultimate cuddle, I think we're going to agree. Oh, yeah. Who wouldn't want to be held by Nick Afferman? Yeah, Nick Offerman would be a great cuddle friend. Yeah, if we're doing our wish list of platonic cuddle friends, Nick Rufferman is up there.

I would not want Megan Millally being the wife who thinks I'm a crackpot, though. No, Megan would have to be either part of the cuddle for a pull. cool with it. Yeah, that would be the best cuddle thropple, I think. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Great. Back to the cabinet, I think I would cuddle Rishi Sunat because I like men to be little.

I could pick him up and carry him out, like a handbag. You could? Yeah. Yeah, I imagine Rishi's got quite a similar body shape to one you're used to cuddling. You say? Boney, like a haunted skeleton. Like David Bowie during the heroin years.

emaciated and wan you do yourself a disservice sir like Jack Skellington no I just I just prefer people who aren't like massively bigger than me just a little bit taller than me just someone I can pick up and carry a boot

I just want to apart from Nick Offerman yeah that's different that's different because he seems so wholesome maybe Batista would be good yeah okay big cuddles I'm just thinking of big men

Yeah, it sounds like... Arnold Schwarzenegger. Maybe your cuddle type and my cuddle type are different. Maybe that's a thing. Yeah. Yeah. Let's move on. A cup of soup is a hug in a mug, isn't it?

No. No. If I was in a relationship where I felt like I was starved of physical affection and someone got me a copper soup. It's a hug in a mug. Insult to injury much. It's not a hug. It's not a hug. It's just some bad soup.

Yeah, like at least... I can make my own soup. Thank you. Yeah. Give a blender. Yeah, and then there's people sharing pictures of weird cushions, and then the Ops said, OK, I'm in Australia, so to be clear, there is no issue regarding social distancing. Thanks for a reply.

I'm not interested in cuddling an animal or a woman or a stranger. Not a woman. No. These aren't things that I ever really wanted in my life. Women. Next door neighbour and our family have a long history of sharing various neighbourly intimacies, so I assume this would be kind of a natural progression. We're all very close already, fairly free with them.

physical affection. If he and or she isn't into it, they can just say no. No, that's, you can't be like you can just say no. Like, you've made it weird. No, that's not on them to have to say no. You need to recognise that you're going to make it weird. The problem here is broaching the subject of the platonic cuddle friend, which is not a thing. But if you're already, you know, neighbourly intimate and getting there with physical affection, I would just go in for a cuddle. What is neighbourly intimacy? Is that like when you can hear your neighbours through the wall? I don't know what neighbourly intimacy is. Is it because I'm a very urban person?

Yeah, maybe it's just being friends with the neighbours. I mean, I'll say hello to the neighbours, but I don't... I just go in for a cuddle and then try and make it a regular thing. There's always a first cuddle in a relationship. Yeah, I mean, next time you're having a neighbourly intimacy, just let it linger. Great. And with that, what this person needs really is a cuddle coach. You could be that cuddled coach.

Okay. £70 an hour. Yeah. Let's do one more speed round. Am I being unreasonable not to engage with this complete idiot? No, never engage. Amma being unreasonable, nectar points are pretty much not worth it. I know, they're not worth it. Amma being unreasonable, DH and his phone.

Yeah, throw that phone away. Amma being unreasonable? Kids clothes. Yeah, I need those kids' clothes. So I can be a business coach. Great. So I can be an estate agent. So I can be a PA.

Two in a state agent With that, should we call it a day? Yes. Lovely. Do you have anything that you want to plug or any issues to raise? Any grievances to wear? Any grievances to wear?

What a great question. What a positive way to end the podcast. Only the podcast coaches say and end with a list of grievances. Just really get it out there. I want to start a podcast to be with, I don't know, Mark Martin. Fuck you, Mark Martin.

Look, I'm just saying that one of my favourite podcasts to listen to is All Killer No Filler. Not for the serial killers, but for Rachel Fairburn's grievances. If that was just a standalone podcast, Rachel Fairbairns grievances, I'd love that. So, you know, there is a market for it, and that market maybe is just me. It's great. You've got no grievances. That, therefore, is a positive way to end. No, I have been enjoying, like I said, last week, Ben Taylorson's Crisp Sandwiches. Yeah.

At Ben Taylorson on Twitter. Yeah. Nothing to plug from me. So let's just say goodbye. Thank you. Thank you. Bye.