You Are Being Unreasonable - Bonus - In which we discuss BIRDS

Episode Date: November 14, 2019

We rashly promised a bonus episode on the birds section of Mumsnet and here it is. We briefly discuss birds and bird-related issues including big poos, which bird to get for an elegant child, and how to keep birds from tweeting.

Hello. Hello, welcome to You Are Being Unreasonable, the podcast about people being unreasonable on mumsnet.com. Birds edition? It's the birds edition. So a few episodes ago, we promised to go on to Mumsnet's Birds Forum. Yes. To find the best birds friends. birds yes it was a promise that I assumed would not make the edit but Simon left it in

so here we are yeah so if you want to hear about birds that's great if you don't it is our down week we wouldn't normally put in content out we haven't sacrificed anything for this no this is a bonus birds episode bonus banana birds bits okay so it turns out I was wrong and there isn't a board specifically for people who own birds there's a specific part of the animals boards which is called chicken keepers for people who own chickens but all the other bird stuff falls under the general pets boards so it's only dogs and cats and fish that have their own separate boards and that is the doghouse the litter tray and the fish bowl but not the bird cage not the bird's obvious of her choice so we've got three threads about

birds let's go massive poos i have two little bantams they're peekings recently they've started pooping poos which are humongous I mean they must be the same size as dog poops well perhaps cat poops is there something wrong with them they seem perfectly healthy otherwise they may be relatively small bundles of feathers but they are fat I think not sure how to tell of a chicken is fat but they certainly weigh much more than my parents rambling assortment of chickens used to weigh I kept treating them to peanut butter and flapjack over the winter

which they gulped down gannet but I've not given them any treats the last couple of months so that's not the reason for the big shit I'm not a bird owner no I know nothing about this but I think even when you were a lot about chickens I would have some questions like why did you say pooping poops pooping poos which are humongous

are they bantoms or peekins or gannets some of the gannets later on I don't know Gannets are a kind of bird are they gannets well who knows I've looked up bantams and they look like chickens.

Oh, they're super cute little chickens, though. They're like fluffy chickens. They get like furry feet. Oh, they are the fabulous old dames of chickens. They're pretty fabulous old dames. Yeah. But dog poo-sized poos? That's too much.

That's like a poo the size of half the animal. That'd be like if you did a poo that was the size of your leg. Ugh. Yeah. Yeah, that would be cause for alarm, perhaps. It was. Well, maybe it's the peanut butter and flapjack Yeah, I do enjoy it.

That seems quite a decadent menu for a bird. It would be a decadent menu to eat every day as a person. That's true. If every single day you had a flapjack and, I don't know, peanut butter off the spoon, that would be decadent. That would be decadent. But doubly so for a bird, because birds eat, you know, seeds, grains, corn. Yeah, like people describe things as being bird,

food when they're those sorts of things. Yeah, you're eating like a bird does not mean you're eating peanut butters, peanut butter smeared on flapjack. It means you're eating small quantities. She also, I don't know when this was posted. Oh, so this is a slightly old thread because the traffic is not as quick moving on the birds pages. How much traffic could there be for birds?

Yeah, it's not like am I being unreasonable. It doesn't move as quickly. But she says that she's given them peanut butter and flapjacks, but then she says she hasn't done it for a while. so why did she even bring it up? Is it a stealth boast about how luxuriously her birds live? Yeah, I only feed my birds, the finest stakes. Anyway, the thing I most enjoy about this is,

am I being unreasonable? Things tend to go on for pages upon pages. You get like hundreds of responses. Oh, yeah, like 20 pages. Yeah, on the birds board, the first response says, Big Poop is a symptom of broodiness, especially if smelly. Are they sitting on the nest a lot? And then the OPE comes back and says

One of them is broody, yes. I didn't realise that would change their poo size. And that's all that was ever posted. They ask a question, they get an answer, bird keepers, get things done. This is what I'm talking about, getting answers, closing things down, done. Perfect. Why aren't we just going birds?

We could get this podcast done in 10 minutes a time. Exactly. We've got some closure on massive poos. Let's move on. What bird for a beginner? My DS is desperate for a parrot. It has just occurred to me that I had immediately said no just because I'm personally not mad on birds

but I've said yes to D.D. having a cat in the future as I am very much a cat person. So any suggestions on what would be a good bird for a beginner as I weigh up more seriously my DS is constant please for a parrot. I know parrots live a long time so I don't think they would be an ideal bird but perhaps another breed. I'm open to rehoming.

We have chickens if that cat, for anything. Ideally as DS is young and it'll be me doing most of the work I'd like something not too noisy with a bit of personality that doesn't shit as much as chickens do. It's a left field example. Go on. Ostrich. The ostrich can take the boy under his wings so to speak and treat the boy as if it's his own child. And the boy can ride the ostrich around which is frankly adorable. Fuck yeah, riding it to school. We were the most popular kid in school or he'll be the bird boy right so even if they call you the bird boy the ostrichs can just peck them yeah the ostrich can fuck up a seven year old yeah emu's kicks and emus

are similar to ostriches i believe emu's kicks can like break your legs yeah a swan can break your arm yeah maybe just get a swan another good animal for the boy yeah what we do need is a bird that can hold its own living with a cat that belongs to the daughter because this is the premise of a cartoon. You've got two children, one's a boy and one's a girl, and one of the bones a bird and one's a man's a cat. This is just the premise of any cartoon. Yeah, this is just Tweety Pie and Sylvester.

Yeah, so we need a bird that can hold its own. Yeah, not all small canaries alike Tweety Pie. No. Tweety Piee was particularly rambunctious, feisty. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it needs to be a feisty bird.

It doesn't need to be a feisty bird So I think ostrich is a good shout Ostrich is a good shout Goose is too obvious We've probably geese before extension Everyone knows Please report to our previous material on geese Exactly

Just visit twitter.com Pelicans A pelican is such And he could go in the pelicans neck thing And it would be like Where's little Timmy And the pelican opens its mouth And Timmy's like I'm here

And then the pelicans is like It's a little And there's just a cat and a daughter in the corner just looking disdainfully. Yeah, and the cat is voiced by Nathan Lane. Yes, I would watch this. Now we're talking. Yeah, I would definitely watch this. We just need to get Nathan Lane on board, signed up.

I think that's doable. I mean, this rights itself. Nathan Lane would be a fool to decline. If it's an elegant and fancy little boy, a flamingo. A bear bird for an elegant little boy Oh my God Could you imagine how roundly bullied you would be For being the bird boy

And the bird in question is a flamingo And you're a little boy who for some reason self-defines as elegant But again, tough shit Because a flamingo can just peck you You know what birds are surprisingly vicious, penguins Yes A penguin pecked my leg when I used to work somewhere with penguins.

Where could that be? A penguin pecked me when I was a boy at the zoo, Edinburgh Zoo, I think, during the Penguin Parade. You delivered that line as if you were always at the zoo as a boy. When I was a boy at the zoo, like when I was growing up in the zoo, when the penguins raised me, that's their own. Visiting the zoo at a penguin parade, a penguin pecked me. At my old job, they took us to see the penguins as part of the induction.

It was really strange. and a penguin pecked me quite badly and I was absolutely covered in bruises and it was the summer so I had my legs out and people were like, what happened? I was like oh a penguin pecked me and they were like, oh, that's really cool

I was like, you can see the bruises. It hurt. So maybe, actually maybe this is bad because maybe if he gets a bird and the bird beats up the bullies the bullies will still get the street credge because people will be like, oh that's really cool. How'd you get that broken arm?

A swan did it. Oh, cool. Yeah. What about a woodpecker? Too many innuendo. No, you don't want to be the bird boy with the woodpecker. Can we move on to another point? She doesn't want a parrot because they live for a long time.

So, like, is she insistent that her child must know grief? Yeah, because the child must understand death. Is she only getting this kid, a pet, so that it's that thing where they're like, oh, but it's good for a child to understand grief when they lose a pet so that when they come to lose a person, they've had an experience, as if we can all guarantee that a pet will outlive a person. That's not how it works. So is she like, oh I need to get a disposable animal

So my child understands the world is bleak A parrot will live too long A parrot will be a companion for life And that's not what he deserves No Good news, dear Amit I've got you this elderly puffing So you can understand how to care for something

And how to grieve soon How to care for something Or how to deliver palliative care It's there different things I'm picturing like a seriously elderly, very ill puffing. It's a very ill puffing, yeah. It'll be her doing most of the work, so she wants something that's not noisy,

but with a bit of personality, so we're back to a flamingo. Yeah. Because what noise is a flamingo make? I couldn't tell you. Simon here in the edit. This is what a flamingo sounds like. And then something doesn't shit as much as chickens do. What I'm really learning from the birds' boards

is that chickens shit a lot. People on the thread are all saying cockatiel. They're all saying cockatiel. And then someone said, why not visit this parrot rescue site? But then they've said that parrots live for 35 years. Yeah, parrots are a long-term investment. So get a 34-year-old parrot. Sorted.

Apparently, parents need 12 hours uninterrupted sleep all night. Me too. I can be late. Yeah, should you do one more? Yeah. Just read about birds. This one's in the Am I Being Unreasonable format, for some reason. Am I being unreasonable to think that birds should only tweet at sunrise.

Oh, so annoying. Trying to sleep and the birds won't shut up. Do birds sing at night where you are? I think it's a bit harsh to ask birds to only tweet at sunrise, because you're not going to get good engagement at that time. No. You need to wait until like midday to really get those likes. Maybe she means birds should only tweet at sunrise, like at sunrise, tweet, tweet.

That just sounds like a morning show, Piers Morgan. Oh, maybe this is someone who thinks that women should only be on the internet early in the morning to talk to Piers Morgan. Yeah, it's not even about birds. At the aforementioned job where they were penguins, they used to be staff socials and someone had gone down to the staff socials. and, you know, got there before us, and we were all still in the office. And someone texted him and said, oh, how's the social? And he said, it's just birds here. And someone was like, oh, great, let's go and talk.

There'll be loads of women there. And we got there, it was just the people from the birds department. It was loads of bird keepers. And all the birdkeepers are just like, burly middle-aged men. It's the best misunderstanding, given that we all knew where we worked. It should have been very obvious that they meant it's just people from birds. I mean, it's tough if birds are singing it. night. That is tough. But it sounds like you're surrounded by owls. And owls are charming.

They are. But you don't want a chorus of owls while you slept, would you? Do you remember that Gumtree had a few years back where someone just wanted somebody to dress up as an owl and watch them sleep? No. In return of a bed and board. Oh God. It's like you can live with me for free, but you need to dress as an owl and watch me while I sleep. When are they going to sleep during the day, presumably? Yeah, well, I mean, they don't need to go out and work because they've got free bed and board. They do need to go out and work I don't even know how you'd organise this Like how would you persuade the birds to only tweet at sunrise To do their cuckoff in a song

Yeah I mean you might think that it'd be better If birds only tweeted at sunrise But I don't know how anyone's going to help with this So what a ridiculous thing to ask Yeah There's not much you can do about it Even if we do agree that but should only tweet at sunrise Lots of people responded

And then the OPE came back and said Thanks guys, we'll try headphones now now. Why did you need all these people to tell you to try headphones? Why didn't you just try headphones? I fall asleep with headphones in every single night because the absence of noise means I can't sleep. Is listening to our podcast. I don't fall asleep listening to our own podcast. That would be weird. I listen to our podcast on the way to work. Well, you can turn to other people on the bus and say, what a great podcast this is. You are being unreasonable. It's on Spotify, Google Player.

Oh, well, I mean, those were some threads about birds. Yeah. Do we feel like we've learned anything? I think we've learned a great deal. I think we've... Get a flamingo for a boy. Massive poos are a sign of broodiness. Yeah.

You can't stop birds tweeting. Very good. And the fourth, and in my opinion, most important takeaway, is next time I flippantly promised something while we're recording, maybe get rid of it in the edit. A good idea. If you want to hear more of what we didn't get rid of in the edit. You can listen to full episodes of you and being unreasonable every other Thursday.

Yeah. And if you'd like to hear what we don't get rid of in the edit because it's live and there's no edit, come along to the Boulevard Theatre on the 8th of December where you can see our Christmas show. It's at 6.30pm. Thanks for listening. Thank you. Bye. Thank you.