You Are Being Unreasonable - YABU Live 8th December 2019 - In which we do another festive live podcast recording

Episode Date: December 24, 2019

"Christmas is my favourite time of the year and I don't want it overshadowed by pigs." Ho ho ho and "Merry" "Christmas"! This is the recording of our Christmas live show performed at the Effra Social in Brixton, London in aid of Mermaids UK (https://www.mermaidsuk.org.uk/). Thanks to the generosity of everyone who came to the show, we raised £450 for Mermaids UK to help support gender-diverse and transgender children in the UK. This year, we think of the best Secret Santa presents you can get for £3 in Asda, we dress children up in yellow leggings to be the Beyoncé of the school nativity version of Kill Bill: Vol. 1, we employ a cleaner to clean up our palatial mansion for 30 hours per week (but not over Christmas), we ponder over extensive arguments about what to do with micro-pigs over Christmas, and we tackle Am I Being Unreasonable questions from the audience.

All I know, driving on drugs feels better when they're prescription. All I know, the world looks beautiful. The world looks so damn beautiful. I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think about I felt that day, when I felt the way that I do right now, right now. I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think about I felt that day,

I felt the way that day. Thank you. Hello, thank you for coming to our You're Being Unreasonable Christmas Live show in age of mermaids at the Ephra Social Club. This was a last minute venue, so thank you to the EFRA Social Club for that. We really do appreciate it. We're doing this for charity, and we would have hated to have had to pull the plug altogether. So thank you for coming to Brickston when you thought you got to go to

Soho's for Fancy Theatre. This is You Are Being Unreasonable. It's a podcast about people being unreasonable on Mumsnet.com. It is a Christmas special so all the threads we're going to talk about today will be Christmas themed. As I have said many times, Christmas is an amazing time for Mumsnet because everyone loses their fucking minds. How have the board's been this December season? Have people, has the election stoked up some some more ire well so the thing is they've made a board called

like election 2019 whatever and they've made a board called Christmas and so they try and filter stuff out into the right places so the stuff that does make it through is usually because it's been framed in a really bizarre am I being unreasonable way like there's one that we're not going to do where someone's really tried to

crowbar it in to get it kept on the board and it's am I being unreasonable to say you should stop saying that Turkey's are voting for Christmas just because you hate the Tories if there's too many places you could filter it to I guess it has to stay where it started Shall we do a speed round So ordinarily I would read out

Just the thread titles And Simon would say if the person is being reasonable or unreasonable But due to the magic of show business You can join in So please do just shout out reasonable or unreasonable Okay, am I being unreasonable? 50 pound cash for Christmas? Joke.

Who gets the 50 quid? We don't know, it's the speed round. Unreasonable. Unreasonable. I'm going to say unreasonable. Are we being unreasonable? You should not invite a vegetarian for Christmas if you have no intention of catering for them.

Am I being unreasonable? unreasonable. Merry Christmas. It's in scare quotes. Yes. It's not a time for scare quotes. It's time for earnestness. I'm going to put that in all of my Christmas cards. Like, dear family, Merry Christmas. It's better if you put Merry Christmas. Or Merry Christmas. I meant laugh. We'll do one more from this speed round. Are I being unreasonable? to celebrate winter solstice instead of Christmas? No, you do you, no. You do you.

Okay, shall we do you some full threads? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, as I said, my laptop has broken, so I'm having to use Simons for this, so it's all getting a little bit, like, leaning over his shoulder. Sorry. It's fine, we're married.

The magic of podcasting. You must never lean over the shoulder of something. That's a weddrop. married woman leading over a man's shoulder shunned by the village at this time of year am i being unreasonable secret santa idea three pounds i have forgotten to get my colleague a secret santa present which is being swapped tomorrow night embarrassed face budget is only three pounds it will have to be something i can buy it on my way home from work before getting ready and going back out for the meal the only shop i'll pass is

is ASTA. She is 48, married, likes very girly things. A good laugh. Any inspiration, please help me. I can't be fun of the thing for myself. I've got £3 in ASTA and I'm overwhelmed.

It seems like a riddle. The budget's only £3.5. I'll be going past Astu at 30 miles an hour. When do I start to get this £3 item? What I don't understand, right, is Asda sells everything and is really cheap. So it's not like you've got the worst shop that you can pass. No.

You've got a brilliant shop. It's like, oh, the only shop I'll pass is Royal Dalton. Like, you're fucked. You've got Asda? Yeah, it's got everything. It's by three pounds worth of chocolates. Well, I was thinking, 48, married, likes very girly things, a good laugh. Dairy Cheese Triangles.

I could get it, yeah, too. Loads. Anyway, that's what I want for Christmas. Are you telling me that you feel an affinity with someone who is 48 married, likes very girly things, and is a good laugh? You're like, well, that's what I'm on. That's what I'm like. She sounds like my people. I don't know, man.

Some shampoo. Some shampoo. I don't know. Does your office do Secret Santa? No. Oh, okay, good. Yeah, my... I work at a university, and budgets are very tight.

No, we've got three pounds. I look at a charity. Everyone's spent the whole year saying they're underpaid, but we're still doing our Secret Santa. What are you getting your person? I don't know, because we do it as... They call it stealing Secret Santa, but it's actually called a Yankee swap,

and that's a whole other thing that I could get into but it's yeah so you just buy a random thing and you wrap it up and then you'll draw a number and number one picks first and then number two

you could pick from the pile or they could steal number one's thing and this goes on for 24 people so it takes forever and last year at the end of the process I'd ended up with like quite a nice sort of it was a mug for the cat's face on it

and I was like yeah this is I've done okay out of this because some of the stuff in there was terrible but then my manager was like properly laying on the guilt trip about how much she wanted that mug and I was like you know what just for an easy life take it I don't care

and then I found out she bought it unbelievable I think that she can own her mistakes here like she shouldn't have told me if she didn't want it on a podcast when she told me that she bought it she knew I had a podcast

That goes for anything anyone in this room ever tells us. You need to explicitly say it if you're off the record when you buy a secret Santa gift that you intend to steal back for yourself. The election's coming up and you know what people use as a yardstick of like the economy? The price of freddos. So how much is the price of fredos at the moment? 30p. So three pounds gets you...

That's such basic maths. Come on. How many pennies in three pounds? This is like when I was playing darts with Kev the other day. I told you about it. It's ten Fredos. That's not as many as I thought. I was picturing like a hundred Fredos.

No. Yeah, that's less of an impressive. If you've got someone, ten Fredos, would you wrap them all individually? Or would you just wrap them in like a bundle? Individually, far more unusual. There is something really. always about the idea of watching Sobond and like at number six the joke isn't funny anymore. My number eight, like it's ramping back up.

There's low, there's too much you can get from Astor if anything. Like this is a problem with the question. There is too much you can get from Asda, but like, I read this. 48, married, likes girly things, a good laugh. Surely there's some sort of miniature bottle of Echo Falls that comes with a glass with a motivational saying on it. Like that's what you get this bitch. Like, come on.

Yeah, Echo Falls, Live Laugh, Love. Started. Yeah. It's done. Let's go home. should we hear from the thread someone who said a select magazine

and a big bar of chocolate which yeah it doesn't sound bad if they're a woman in an advert if they're a woman in a flake advert but it sounds like she is a woman in a fake advert someone who said

a chocolate orange and a tube of pringles I mean is that kind of making some kind of weird Chris Dingle of the chocolate orange but where you jab a pringle

into the top and that symbolises Yeah like how a Christingle The candle like symbolises Jesus is light and the pringles is the candle on the chocolate I don't know Yeah Yeah maybe

Someone said a couple of cans of gin in a tin Woo Fair enough Just gin no tonic Yeah just gin no tonic Just yin, straight. Oh. Lots of people are talking about miniature spirits,

and lots of people are recommending food stuffs, and then someone has just said, I want a llama mug. All right, it's not about you, is it? We're not here talking about you, pal. So, yeah, I guess just get a llama mug, because that's a safe bet, because then loads of people are like,

yeah, I'd like a llama mug, too. I don't know what this llama mug is. Is this an ASTA item? It must be. Is this like the ASTA Christmas advert? What? The ASTA Christmas advert is just... It's just a llama.

Someone's moving into a llama like for 30 seconds. I don't know. Yeah. Should we move on? The ASTA Christmas advert was directed by David Lynch. Let's move on. But...

But... But... So, festive tradition that I put together some festive jingles for these live shows. And they're always, they're always just great. They are tip-top. Yeah. This is your third go at this, right? Because people consistently say it's alienating.

I don't know. Yeah. Third time's a charm. reasonable I'm very good is that festive festive

am I being unreasonable to be irritated by this mum at DD's school Brackett's nativity play related Ooh The intrigue Didi is playing a star in the school nativity play

Brackett's reception age there are two other stars When the letters were sent home to say who was playing what Dee Dee's notes stipulated that all she needed for costume was yellow clothing and suggested a t-shirt and leggings After trawling shops for a week for yellow-assing leggings I finally found some today

along with a yellow top harder than you might think in the winter and a little angry face then at the school gate today one of the other star mums said she'd been to Tesco and bought a star costume for her, D, D.D. Now, I'm annoyed for two reasons. One, her D.D. will look like the main star, the Beyonce of the stars, and my D.D. And the other girl will look like Kelly Rowland and the other one.

And two, D.D. is feeling hard done by that she has yellow clothes and a tinsal headband. I can see her point I feel pressured to buy Dee Dee a star outfit now Am I being unreasonable to think the other mum is a show-off and a bit of a knob? It's a receptionivity play for fuck's sake Just get the cheapo yellow clothes

And stick some tints on your kid's head Yes, I do have bigger problems to worry about Yes, I am childish And I probably do need to suck it up I'm a regular under a name change by the way wow there's a lot of school politics going on in this lot of anger from sloppy Giuseppe quick I need a new name

I need a new name for this nativity drama sloppy just looking at the first pizza express item you can see so what she's proposing really though is so there's Beyonce and then she's going to buy her daughter Kelly Rowland a star outfit and then the third one is still just the third one she's wearing yellow leggings

which is frankly the worst outfit choice I can possibly imagine yeah so these kids are playing stars in like just yellow clothing so are they just like splaying out like stars? I guess they must just spread in their leggings. A star jump just doing star jumps consistently

yeah sorry some people came in there but then they heard our content and they left I think it's being unreasonable I think it's weird to identify yourself as star mums Because to anyone listening It sounds like you're being yourself up But also you can internalise that super quickly

It's really temporary It's just till the nativity I'm a star mom now I'm actually a star like I'm proper pushy pair Like my daughter's a star but not in the way that that would make any sense. Well, that's what I thought it meant.

D.D. is a star in the school nativity plate. There were two other stars. I thought these were like the headlines. Like Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus. Yeah. That is the starring role. These are like the headline names of the, you know, the Amelia Clark and the Henry Golding of your school nativity play.

I love this bit where she's like, oh, Beyonce. I don't think anyone cares enough about the nativity for anyone to think that. like I've read enough posts on mum's set in the last couple of weeks no one looks at any child that isn't their own during the nativity like everyone is watching various discrete nativities and so if your kids playing a star at least there's like a sort of abstract interpretive dance thing you can do with that

but like if your kids playing an innkeeper you're like it was really weird and it was very avant-garde like they said there was no room but there was nobody there some sort of piece about isolation so like no one's even going to notice the only person who will notice that this kid is wearing a star costume is the mother of Beyonce of who we're calling Beyonce now

yeah yeah you know who wouldn't have any of this who John McDonald because he'd want to redistribute redistribute the star set of costumes to everyone has a more equal John McDonald's just there burning into a pile of ash and blowing it into Jordan's eyes to even it out.

The magic of socialism with John McDonnell with Stardust. That's a Christmas Nativity I want to see. I would love to see a nativity where it's just John McDonald nationalising stuff. Nationalised the nativity.

That's going on March. With the donkey. Yeah. I think the person posting just disappointed. She didn't find star outfit first. Yeah, that is a good point.

If she'd seen the star outfit... She would have got that. It was hard enough to find yellow leggings. I don't know why it was hard to find yellow leggings. I don't know. You can find out to Google yellow leggings. It says harder than you might think in winter, as if there's some causal link between winter and yellow leggings.

Like, everyone's wearing yellow leggings this season. Like, they're really in. Like, Beyonce was wearing them, so now everyone. to get some perspective because somebody else's mum had to find grey leggings and a grey t-shirt to be the rear end of the donkey. That would be particularly galling if the front end of the donkey was wearing a professional

costume. You're not even the donkeys, you're just the back end. Like, Kay Roland's looking pretty good right, right? Yeah. That fled. Who's the other member of Disney's child? Michelle Williams. Thank you.

But she does say, I do have bigger problems to Warreys. about and yes I am childish so I suppose the one thing we know about her is that when she's got a serious problem she doesn't post it on mum's net which is good she's just under a different name oh yeah of course not sloppy Giuseppe that's a burner name just for this oh um sorry you're not in trouble back there if you're something to share with the rest of the should we hear from the thread a bit sticks to the yellow clothes children that age are far

more comfy wearing familiar things they are new leggings they're not familiar like tried and oh whatever the other mum must be lacking in the imagination department we don't need to all be putting each other down about everything like the woman was like oh god there's no yellow leggings anywhere but this is a star costume this all do and then people like oh you've got no imagination

It's a school nativity No one's going to remember it in a few years Who cares? You're going to record it But you're never going to watch it Yeah, it's like people who take videos Of fireworks displays It's like where are you going to look at that?

Come on Yeah It's not like I go back and religiously watch My starring turn As a little angel In our school playing in primary school What did you wear? What did you wear?

I don't know We only watched it today What's in the app? What did I wear? Yellow leggings. Just yellow leggings, no top. They were really difficult to find. Very risque

You couldn't do it in today's climate. If they were doing a nativity version of Kill Bill, I would go and see that. Yeah. Kill Bill Volume 1 this year and Kill Bill volume 2 next year. Do you imagine the outrage if Little Timmy had to do the Nativity Kill Bill? Could you imagine? Because like he wouldn't get to play the main part for one and that would be bad enough. And also it would be inappropriate for children. Yeah, no kid wants to play Karen Dine either.

Wow. After what happened. They've learned. Someone said, I only paid £3 for a yellow top from Primark. I've just found some tights on eBay. for 99p. Yeah, but you can't only wear tights. Now you have to find something to put over the tights. No, this person thinks they're being so clever, but they're not. Well, yeah, if you're on eBay, you must have searched for something.

But the top of three pounds other than the previous. Secret Santa. Should we move on from that thread? Isn't there any one star? quite important people when in the star Yeah

Yeah There should only be one star Leading to the baby Jesus Beyonce Otherwise there's three Stars

Leading you know In old There's nine wise men And there's Three baby Yeah Yeah More stars

Back in the day though So So many more More stars Back in the sky Oh Should we move on

from this You don't get stars Like you did in the day Yeah, let's go to another festive jingle Nonsense It's beginning to look a lot like

Mon's net Oh, that's slightly sinister A little shorty We usually have an ad break But because it's a charity fundraiser It didn't seem appropriate Also we've never had any real ad sponsors I just make them up

you just find the worst product possible that you try to encourage people to buy it and all our previous live shows have been in basements you just lock people in a room and then you like hard sell to them you should be doing ad breaks for time shares I will be doing that after the show if anyone wants that

but I thought I'd go into because Mum's Net has a lot of acronyms and abbreviations it does it's like the military in that respect yes but yeah so I thought I'd go through some of those and test your knowledge of them because you're a seasoned mum's net

watcher not a mum's netter as such what do these mean so there's OPE which is obviously original poster yeah that's an easy one is there a prize

there's no prize right the prize is respect are you saying I don't do well then you my husband will not show me any respect ever

oh the stakes are high so BC before Christ ordinarily yes but in mum's next case it's before children Christ was a child once too very important

this time of year FFS for fuck sake yeah an easy one yeah easy one If I ever were to post on Mum's Note, that would be what I would post. L-T-B? Leave the bastard.

Yeah. N-N. N-N? N. No idea. N-N apparently means no. Which is the same number of letters as no. And more syllables.

So... Unless you pronounce it... Mm. Like if you have difficulty saying no Like you're an awkward person So you're just N-N-N-L PMSL

Pissing myself laughing So grim That is grim Grim A-F A-F Yeah No, I don't know

After Fred O's Let's hope there's never a time After Fred O's But no, that's anti-flow, an old-fashioned slang for period. Why would you use an old-fashioned slang for your period? They're in a breathing incident. Do you have more jingles?

There's only a finite number of jingles, so they're not a resource that is renewable. Oh, okay, sorry. So I'll play an old jingle. Okay, yeah. There's no need to be Unleable During the break

We were handed The Barstaff said there were people There were a lot of people with badges here So we've been handed this badge by the Barstaff That says Sun, see Socialism Could this conceivably belong to anyone here? A vicious edge

Yeah, exactly Yeah, it's pretty cool It's a pretty boss badge especially to wear in the Efra Conservative Club is it yours oh yeah it's got two Bs on it so I wasn't checking to make sure you were telling the truth I just know it's two Bs

yeah can you give the ID number on the back of the badge well a badge reunited with its owner and money race for charity I think our work here is done well why did we make everyone come back from the break what are we doing now should we do two more threads

and then we'll do our last speed round or should we do some of this speed round of people's questions and then some threads we've got quite a lot let's fast through the speed round our cup overflows and it's in a cup makes me happy so I'll ask them

and then Simon can answer first and everyone shout out yeah please why not thank you Am I being unreasonable to insist on saying cheesy puffs to everyone I photograph? No, it's a fun alternative to cheese. Okay.

Yeah, reasonable. Very good. Am I being unreasonable, Black Friday, in Britain, without Thanksgiving? It doesn't make a lot of sense, but big corporations do need to make money. Of course they'll die. Of why they won't survive. Would that be? Sorry to the man with the socialism pin.

Am I being unreasonable to ask Why have a multi-bird roast That sounds like a real Bond from the Bullets Christmas is a time for hardship That's what they believe on ones there One Bird, One Britain And we'll do one more

Am I being unreasonable to ask Why is Whamagedon a thing I don't know I don't know But it's purpose It purposely stopped me from making last Christmas into a jingle. Shall we do another thread? Shall we?

Yeah. Let's do another thread then. Am I being unreasonable to say no to my cleaner coming over Christmas? My cleaner, who works five days a week, doing six hours a day for us, and gets above the average wage for a cleaner, has said that she needs to work over Christmas. I said no to working Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday is obviously it's Christmas and no to Friday as I have people over.

She's obviously self-employed and we are her only cleaning job. I don't really fancy someone cleaning when me and D.H. are not at work and all the kids are at home and we just want to relax without anyone in the home. She said it's too much money for her to lose out and she won't be able to afford not to work those days. She hates Christmas and doesn't have any family to spend it with so it's actually asking to do Christmas Day. it's not my fault she hasn't budgeted for it

and we told her when we first took her on in April that we do not need her services over Christmas am I being unreasonable to say no to her working those days next week I don't want her to be upset we're hosting Christmas at ours so no time when we won't be home for the next week for her to pop in and clean plus I'm at home so I'll be able to do it anyway

wow 30 hours a week of cleaning. Yeah. Like, how messy are you that you need 30 hours a week of a professional cleaner? If anything, if they're all going to be home and they're hosting, they need to be getting her in and giving her overtime. Yeah. They need 60 hours of cleaning over Christmas. Yeah. She says that she, oh, it feels a bit like a hallmark film, right? It's like, oh, she's, she only works for us and she hates Christmas and she has no family and She wanted to come over on Christmas Day, but we're busy because we love Christmas and we have family.

And my handsome cousins coming over who could teach her the real meaning of Christmas if they would just get past their differences. Yeah. It could be a beautiful hallmark film, but instead it's a terrible woman with a filthy house. Really filthy. Like, what are you doing for six hours a day, five days a week?

Like, the grouting, like, in between the tiles, has got to be pristine. How many tiles are you? do you think there are as well? You just need to stop imagining your house and just think how big is this house? Well that's the thing. But even then.

Buckingham Palace? Yeah, exactly. It must be like palatial because... Oh yeah, the username is the Queen. Oh yeah. My son's not coming over for Christmas for reasons. My son has decided to spend Christmas out of the public art. I don't know who we're gay

I should do the speech Like also she says obviously she's self-employed But is it obvious Because she works full time And she has no other clients So if she is self-employed It seems like that's to the benefit of the OPE Not the cleaner

Well, it's not her fault She hasn't budgeted for it How much is she being Paid over the average wage for a cleaner Over the average wage for a cleaner Does not mean that you're paying her handsomely You dick No, I mean this is the plight of the precaria

You employ someone to do a job And then suddenly their income is cut off Because you say, actually I don't want you over Christmas So they don't have a guaranteed income over that period And you live to your means when you work self-imped Yeah, exactly And it's Christmas Like, it's an expensive time of year

Yeah, she doesn't seem to consider that maybe the cleaner hates Christmas Because the cleaner never has any money over Christmas the cleaner works for terrible humans like this person she was actually asking to do Christmas Day oh that's really sad why don't you feel sad for her

yeah maybe invite around for Christmas because she's like your house 30 hours a week yeah like you're sociopath clearly well yeah obviously but

that goes about saying she started to throw her on mum's net at Christmas time well we told her in april that we didn't need her services so she's had time to budget for this but she might have seen they meant over christmas day not a full week not there's 30 hours there that you can't do why did she work 30 hours for her oh my god no this is terrible

there's something about the fact that she won't she doesn't want to be in whilst the clean is there either which makes me a lot of people like that's the bit that she The cleaner should be invisible. The cleaner should be invisible labour. I never want to see them. You should just know that they... Yeah.

If he doesn't want to clear the seat, it has to have thirsty. Yeah. Oh my God, yeah. Keep the cleaning a fucking contract. Well, that's it. Just pay the cleaner over the Christmas week. Say like, I don't want you here, but it's Christmas, so I'm going to pay you anyway.

Why is she thinking about Christmas in April? this interview sounds terrible like so it's April you're going for a job you're a cleaner so you expect it to be normal but then the woman's like we'll need you six hours a day five days a week you know what is going on but not over Christmas yeah if you come near a house over Christmas I swear to go I don't believe the house what are they actually doing in that house that inquires six hours of being in the day exactly so much around for when they're there Why do they make more mess when they're not then? It's just full-on eyes-wide shirt when the cleaners stop there.

Eyes-wide shut, which I've seen described in many places as a Christmas film. Eyes-wide shut is set at Christmas and that mansion looks pretty clean. So they must have cleaners working over Christmas time. Maybe she needs to go and work for the eyes-wide shop cult Why not work for the

Illuminati? The Illuminati? He always seems to have plenty of money. Sure. Someone says, you don't have to have her, but you should pay her. Following up by someone saying,

you need to pay her. Good. And then a lot of people saying, are you the queen? Why do you need a cleaner for 30 hours a week? I like you thinking. And then there's people saying, are you sure she's self-employed,

though? This seems pretty dodgy. pay her for fuck's sake and then my favourite one it's a little green emoji with the Santa hat that says well that's a nice problem to have

all right thanks Mr Grinch yeah so there we go more festive jingles Feliz Navvada I want to I like your commitment to the bit there

That's good Where did you find that authentic Spanish non-robotic voice You're out canvas in the streets like Billy Eichner Yeah just looking for Spanish people So how reasonable in Spanish? Should we do one more full-length thread? Yes. Am I being unreasonable to say no to visiting pigs for Christmas?

Posted by the user, Pig Auntie. That's not a nice way to refer to your friends in relation. My sister wants to buy my niece and nephew micropigs for Christmas. They are coming to stay with us for Christmas, so she wants to know if she can bring them with her. Am I being unreasonable to say no because we don't want pigs running around our house partly because we have no idea

whether there'll be chewers or poo everywhere or cry and they're tiny and they'll be in danger of being stood on? Next point. We have a three-bed semi with nine people, a Christmas tree, extra chairs, etc., and it's going to be quite crowded enough. We do not have the space to put a pig pen anywhere. The Conservatory has already taken away.

by the guinea pick cage. I don't agree with animals being given as Christmas presents as Christmas is busy and chaotic and full of noise and lights and wrapping paper and chaos. I believe a new pet needs to be introduced to a family in a calm and serene environment where they can get used to each other and the animal can retreat to a safe place when they need to.

I also don't think any animal should go on a three-hour journey unless absolutely necessary or they have got used to car journeys. You need a permit to move pigs to another premises, and I think they're not allowed to move them again for 20 days. Christmas is my favourite time of the year, and I don't want it overshadowed by pigs. We will all be drinking, as is the nature of Christmas Day, so I don't think we should be in charge of tiny piglets

when no one knows what they're doing. This is a comprehensive argument against the pigs. It's also my favourite thing where someone has a username they probably created for the situation but I want to believe that they joined mum's step four years ago and they were like pig auntie

and then this happened and they were like oh no the prophecy it's come true when you read out the thread title I thought knowing you it was about cops no

I thought they did want to visit their police officer relatives you say knowing me make whatever assumptions you want about me and I keep my politics quite you know on the table with this podcast but where are mums there would there be someone who's referring to the police as pigs and say they don't want to visit them over Christmas

but no literal pigs chewers poo everywhere cry all night well they don't know that they explicitly say we have no idea why don't they ask who knows what a pink does during the night right pigs go wild during the night do you think the last woman had micro pigs

and that's why the cleaner has to work 30 hours a week yeah that would explain it that would explain it maybe the last woman is a micro pig and it's probably of micropicks little micropigs in suits with their indentured labour cleaner

my sister wants to bring 40 to 50 feral hogs for this one I just can't, I just can't with these feral hugs. I like the phrasing. She says, My sister wants to buy my niece and nephew micro pigs for Christmas. They're coming to stay with us. Which sounds a bit like she means the micro pigs are coming to stay.

Yeah. It sounds like the micro pigs are going to turn up of their own volition. Like, we're part of the family now. We do not want pigs in blankets. That's very offensive. Get us the turkey. Like, sort this out. Have you seen, I saw photos on Twitter the other day of Paris Hilton's micro pig.

And apparently there's just, there's no such thing as micro pigs. These are just baby pigs. And Paris Hilton's micro pig is now huge. Like she used to fit in the, in a little plutche bag. But now the pig's just a pig. There's a documentary about a guy who got a micro pig thinking it was a micro pig. And it turned out to be like a proper like bread for bacon pig. It was super long.

Remember? Yeah, most pigs just turned out. It's like eight foot long. micro pigs just turn out to be baby pigs that have been missolved and they're like they're huge have you been miss sold baby pigs that'll be the phone calls everyone's getting in like eight years time like your phone will ring and you'll be like oh it's just micro pigs say sell your pigs for gold I mean they've given a very comprehensive argument against the micro pigs so I'm I'm on their side I don't think the pigs should come over

The argument is so comprehensive that I think this is unfair, and I think there should be someone here to stand up for the micro pigs, because this person's, yeah, have we got a volunteer back there? Why not have big chaos at Princeton? Yeah, like, if everyone's drunk anyway, why not just add to the mix? Because there's all, you know, the usual fucking malaise of everybody arguing with themselves. Because there's some pigs, there's some wild pigs under the table. Oh, mynipig revolution.

Woo! What I want to know is where is she intending to keep the pigs before she gives the gift of pigs? The gift of pigs. The gift of pigs. This week I'm giving you the gift of pigs. But this is all working on the assumption that the pigs have been received, but like, presumably she wants it to be a surprise on Christmas Day. She wants to make it look like the pigs have come down the chimney and Santa's left them there. I mean, that's a noisy part of her under the trailer, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah. Who wants a surprise pig? No one. Oh, so no. I mean, kids, kids love surprise pigs. Kids are all about surprise pigs. These are the pigs in blankets, and here is a pig in a blanket.

These are two different things. One you must take care of for the rest of your life. And why you must eat in life. Yeah. That's how you end up with a child who's emotionally attached to a little sausage wrapped in bacon, and you're there trying to pry it out of the kid's hands, and they're crying and they're pooing, and all the things you've got the pig would do.

They're just there with their little... Little bacon wrapped sausage. No, this is a disaster zone. Pigs in the same sense, wouldn't you? Otherwise, next year. You'll have lots of pigs. Lots of pigs. Yeah, but pigs aren't, I mean, it's not like mice, is it?

Where they breed at such a rate that, like, it gets out of control. But surely a pig has to count, like, what's the gestational time for a pig? Yes, Simon. The question we all ask ourselves at Christmas. I'm just, I'm just, I just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just. I just feel like with a pig they're not going to have

an enormous litter every three minutes like mice are, are they? So... But you know what? They're going to have a large orgasm. Yeah.

True. A peace orgasm, half an hour. Wow! That is really inappropriate at the dinner table at Christmas. So that's it, man. Yeah. They're chewing,

they're pooing everywhere, they're orgasming for half an hour. That's why you need a cheetah for six hours. Yeah. They're going to make great times. So all in all, yeah,

I mean, I would say no to visiting pigs for Christmas. I would, yeah. Yeah. No pigs. No pigs. Also, what does that, like, that's, she's only think about one Christmas. Once you've got pigs, what are you going to do with your pets? You can't put them in kennels or a catarie because they're pigs.

Piggery. You can't go on like cat in a flat because they're pigs. Pig in a flat. You can't go and borrow my dogie? Poe on my piggy. Borrow my piggy sounds like a euphemism. That's horrible. Let's hear from the thread.

Does your sister intend to board the hogs for your kids until they come to the age of 35? 35. That must be some ancient law where you can't have a pig before you're 35. Oh man. I was hoping for a pig this Christmas. Oh, just wait. There's no such thing as a Mike Pro pig.

Your sister is an idiot. Harsh. Say yes and you'll do bacon sarnies in the morning. No, bacon is a... Like, there's so much salt. It takes, you can't, oh. Yeah, they're not going to slaughter a pig, realistically. But if they do slaughter, you might get a pork chop in the morning.

It's not going to be ready to eat bacon for ages. It's not going to be bacon till Easter. You'll only get... I don't even eat pork, but I know. From a micro pig, you'll only get micro bacon. For micro bacon sonies. That's really cute. Tiny bacon rolls.

Yeah. Like a little volivant, like a bacon sandwich volavon. Yeah. Very festive. Who's selling them to her? They should be prosecuted. So why? Says here pigger instincts.

Yeah. Which, yeah, I would have guessed that. Maybe in the state of fisted version of animal farm. Maybe, yeah. That's what John McDonald wants. John McDonnell, blowing micro pigs over everyone. Socialist micro pigs for everyone. Yes.

Should we leave it there? Nothing's got top of that. No, nothing's better than that. So we have another speed round? Let's do another speed round and then if you got a jingle to play us out after that? Nope. Okay. So we'll do a speed round and then it was a sort of peter round.

Am I being unreasonable to think Calabby Street's Christmas display protesting against plastic but made of plastic is ridiculous. It does sound fairly ridiculous. Does sound ridiculous. Am I being unreasonable to hate all Christmas shoppers? No. We're people too.

Am I being unreasonable? Flatmate is too needy and then like an arrow that goes down and across and constantly ask for validation by making me like her Instagram posts Flammany just sounds great that sounds like shit validation how would you feel any better

if you were like hey hey like my Instagram posts Hells, hells, hells did you see that tweet I did today Oh you do that sometimes Wow burned roasted on my own podcast by my wife

yeah but you said that you wouldn't respect me if I didn't get all the things right in the acronyms round and I didn't so I figure that the gloves are off just in time for Christmas well this marriage is going to be a fun rest of my life love you

and we're being unreasonable to find these new jingles lifelike and liberating Not at all Am I being unreasonable to fancy a game of ping pong during the show Go for it Game of ping pong after the show

Is encouraged There's loads of ping pong balls over here There's loads more It's just booms everywhere What a ball show Quite literally balls to the wall over there Am I being unreasonable to wonder Why there is a sign

Demanding the Liberation of Table Tennis That seems like the same same question as before. Seems like someone's really obsessed with the ping pong town. Free ping pong. Boom. Am I being unreasonable? Flatmate tried to make me blow out a candle in my room

because she didn't like the smell. Wow. It depends what the smell was, though, don't it? Yeah, no. Pick urine. Different handwriting, I think But what we've learnt Is that living with people is hard

Can you blow out that candle And like my Instagram post, please? Am I being unreasonable to cringe a lot When some mum on the tube Use the term Daddy Christmas Yeah That sounds like you're into for the Christmas yeah like oh call me daddy

like no no no so we've got no jingles and that's where it ends so we've got no jingles and that's where it ends thanks for coming thank you so much for coming thank you for all your donations it was like you've been amazingly generous like I looked at it in the

interval when I was going to cry so I just wandered off but thank you so thank you so much and thanks so much to mermaids for being great yeah thank you for coming to a weird makeshift venue at very very short notice in the back room of a pub in brixton yeah and of course thanks at fossocial of course for putting us up yeah massive thanks to effrosocial if anyone's not hurrying off then like you know buy drinks from the bar make them make them glad they let us in yeah and

don't forget to vote next Thursday it's very important to do so and don't forget that John McDonnell had a farm yeah Merry Christmas and thank you for coming Thank you

Thank you and I never felt as good as how I do right now except for maybe when I think of how I felt that day when I felt the way that I do right now right now right now