You are the Universe! - E30: Transforming People-Pleasing & Reclaiming Your Power

Episode Date: February 15, 2025

Hey SisterIf you’re a heart-centered conscious creator, healer, or visionary, thisepisode is for you. You’ll learn:• Why people-pleasing is not just a habit but a nervous system responselinked to past trauma.• How this pattern affects your relationships and your business.• Why somatic healing and inner child work are essential to breaking freefrom this addictive cycle• And if you hang with me til the end, I’ll guide you through a powerfulmeditation to support you in reclaiming your energy and sovereignty.Let's get on a call to discuss how I can support you on your journey!www.VictoriaHaffer.com 

Welcome, Beautiful Soul to an other episode of You Are the Universe. I'm your host, Victoria Hafer, transformation coach, business mentor, somatic movement therapist, and meditation teacher, who has been guiding women in healing unresolved trauma and addiction for over 20 years. And today we're diving into a deeply transformative topic. It seems to be all the buzz, people pleasing, and how it's often a trauma response that keeps us stuck in patterns. of overgiving, self-abandonment, and ultimately exhaustion. Can you relate? So if you're a heart-centered conscious creator, a healer, or a visionary, this episode is for you. You'll learn why people-pleasing is not just a habit, but a nervous system response linked to past trauma. How this pattern

affects your relationships and your business and your pocketbook. Why somatic healing and inner child work are essential to breaking free from this addictive cycle. And if you hang with me, the end, I'll guide you through a short, powerful meditation to support you in reclaiming your energy and your sovereignty. So, I invite you to take a deep breath, settle in, and let's begin. So what is people pleasing? People pleasing is more than just being nice to people. It's when we prioritize other needs, emotions, and expectations over our own to feel safe, accepted, and loved. It might look like this. Saying yes, when your body is screaming no. Over delivering in your business to avoid disappointing clients.

Feeling responsible for making sure everyone is happy at the expense of your own needs. Avoiding conflict because it triggers deep fear or anxiety and you're afraid that people won't like you. It could also look like answering the phone when you don't feel like talking or feeling anxious if you don't respond to a text or an email. immediately. Been there, done that. And most of all, constantly putting others' needs before your own. Does this sound familiar? Yeah. Well, many of us were conditioned, whether by family, society, or past relationships, to abandon ourselves for approval. But here's the truth. People pleasing is not your natural state. It's a learned survival response. The truth is people pleasing is a trauma response. At its core, people pleasing is a fawn response, one of the four

nervous system responses to trauma. You might know them is fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. So fight, becoming aggressive or defensive, argumentative, anger or rage, flight, running away or avoiding, ghosting people, you know, just kind of checking out because you can't even deal. Freeze mode, shutting down or numbing out, scrolling the socials, binge watching Netflix. Again, been there, done that. Fawning is people pleasing to stay safe. So that's the fourth response. You can see this in your dogs as well.

So how many of you are dog lovers out there? I feel like I definitely attract empathic dog lovers. So yeah, so when you get that dog that is constantly needing to be near you and always trying to like give you, you think they're giving you kisses, but that's really a fawning response. So anyways, that's a totally other podcast. And if you're interested to be doing a podcast on the fawning for your dog, let me know in the comments below.

For women, especially those who have experienced childhood emotional neglect, toxic relationships, or narcissistic family dynamics, the fond response becomes a way of survival. Maybe as a child, you learn that love was conditional. You had to be the good girl, helpful, agreeable to be accepted. Or if you didn't, you know, something else happened. So your nervous system wired itself to avoid conflict and seek approval as a survival strategy. But as adults, this pattern keeps us stuck in overgiving, undercharging, and attracting relationships or clients that just drain the fuck out of us.

And this is why mindset shifts alone are not enough and why also traditional talk therapy that doesn't usually help. To truly break free, we must heal at a deep core level, at the nervous system level, and also look at inner child healing as well. So let's talk a little bit about the role of somatic healing, embodiment, body therapy, mind body therapy, and inner child work. If you've ever tried to stop people pleasing just by deciding to set better boundaries, but found yourself slipping back into old patterns, it's because this is a body-based response,

not just a mindset issue. This is where working with a somatic trauma-informed coach like myself can be so powerful. Somatic healing focuses on releasing stored trauma in the body because people please isn't just a thought. It's an automatic nervous system reaction. You can't think your way out of this problem. You just can't. So when we work somatically, we identify where these patterns live in our bodies. This is also known as issues in our tissues. We learn to regulate our nervous system. We learn how, you know, we learn about vagal tone and the vagus nerve and how it plays. a role in us feeling safe in the present moment, right? So we can feel safe in all different

kinds of situations and especially feel safe when you're setting boundaries in relationships, friends, family, partners, clients. Also, somatic work has to do with reparenting our inner child. So, you know, it's really that younger part of you. Typically, you know, it could maybe when you were four or when you were 11, maybe it's tween, teen, or maybe in your early 20s even if, you know, it was one of your first really serious relationships. And then there was trauma in that relationship. So, you know, it's really about reparenting the part of us that learn to please others out of fear of rejection or fear of being hurt, right? Physically, emotionally and or even sexually. So how does people pleasing impact our relationships and our business? So in relationships, people

pleasing can lead to resentment because you're always giving but not receiving exhaustion, because you're constantly managing other people's emotions. Are you an empath? Yeah, exactly. And if you don't know what that is, again, check out another, that's an entirely different podcast because I could talk all day about how to take your superpowers of being an empath and really, you know, transform it from the kryptonite that you think it might be. Most importantly, people pleasing creates a disconnection from your authentic self because you shape shift to fit what others want. I don't care. What movie do you want to go see? What movie do you want to watch? I don't care. what do you want for dinner, right?

So you become the chameleon and you morph into what you think other people want you to be so that you can feel validated or accepted by the group or by the person. I often hear my clients say, but I don't want to make waves. And I respond with, make waves. You are the freaking ocean. Yeah. And in business, the same patterns will show up. You might undercharge, over-commit, right?

Not be able to say no, kind of constantly, you know, over-purge your calendar and just struggle to say no to clients or even if they're not difficult clients. You just don't want to say no because you don't want to let them down or maybe subconsciously. you don't think you know enough or you have enough experience. So you sort of make up for it by over delivering to the point where it's starting to affect your health and your mental well-being. Right. And by the way, that's also known as imposter syndrome. Yes. Okay. So here's the truth. When you abandon yourself to please others, your frequency will attract relationships, both personal and professional that will reflect that abandonment wound right back at you.

Bam! Girl, you know it's true. Bump, bump, right? You know it. You know this is true. So really, this is what this is talking about when we basically, you've heard the saying that, you know, everything is a mirror for us, right? Every trigger that occurs in our life really is responding to something.

that is unheeled deep within us. So all of these people, so and so, you know, that you want to complain about or say that they're terrible or they're taking advantage of you, guess what? You're an adult now, right? It's different when you're a child, but you're an adult now? So you, when are you going to take responsibility for how you are creating your reality, right? Are you showing up as the queen that you want to be, right? So knowing that, you know, your words, your thoughts, your belief systems and your actions

create your reality. So that is indeed true. So remember, you are the common denominator in all of the chaos. Yes, it is true. And I know you might be a little pissed off at me right now, but, you know, I am a truth speaker and a truth seeker. Okay. So the shift happens when you start choosing yourself.

first, right? I choose me. Actually, one of my clients had that as a mantra. I choose me first. Because again, you've all heard of the old metaphor of putting the oxygen mask on first. Okay. Yeah, you know about it. Okay. So how do we break free? How do we break free from this cycle and reclaim our power, aka also known as sovereignty? So how do we shift? The first step is, awareness. So that's great. But I always say that awareness doesn't equal transformation. So, you know, if you're listening to this and realizing, wow, I really resonate with this, well, that's a really powerful moment. So the question is, what are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about it? How are you going to show up differently? Yeah. So the next step is,

So we have the awareness around the things, the thing, the, you know, not setting healthy boundaries, all the things that, you know, whatever you resonated with. And I would highly recommend that if, you know, you haven't been, if you're driving and listening to this, that maybe you listen to it again with a notebook and a pen and you take some notes, right? Just, you know, some of the points that really hit home for you. Put it in your journal and reflect on it, you know, in your daily meditation or your daily presence practice. Okay, so the next step is to begin to rewire our nervous system while reclaiming our sovereignty. So here are some things that you want to consider. Number one, practice setting healthy boundaries.

Saying no without guilt. Remember, no is a full sentence. Stop explaining. Girl, sister. Stop explaining. Nobody really cares. I really don't. Just no, no, thank you. Number two, tuning into your body. How often are you neglecting your body? And maybe you're not. Maybe you communicate with your body on a daily basis. Maybe you take the time on a daily basis to give gratitude and allow your body to receive. So notice when you're making choices out of fear versus love. Does it feel heavy or does it feel light? Right. Does it feel heavy or does it feel light. Heavy is, it's a lie. It's not a truth. Light means it's typically for your highest, you know, when something feels light, it's, it's that, it's that resignation in your body, like that hardcore

yes. Frick, yes. Like, you know what I'm talking about. Yeah. So go for that more than the, does it feel heavy? Is this out of fear? Am I making this choice or decision out of fear? Something else to consider releasing the need for external validation. So again, huge. This is so common with so many of my clients. How many of us are still looking for validation and self-worth outside of ourselves? Remember, your worth is not determined by how much you give. It doesn't work that way. Your worth is determined by how worthy you think you are. So it has to start. You know, I would say that healing is an inside job. It has to start with you. And then, Lastly, calling back your energy.

Stop overextending yourself. If something doesn't feel aligned, trust that. And just say no. Right? So really learning to trust yourself and other, you know, huge thing that a lot of my clients are challenged with initially when they start working with me, trusting themselves. And so much of that is because you haven't been supporting the little parts of you. You've kind of been ignoring them or pushing them away or putting them in the box and not

wanting to deal with the past and thinking, well, I'm an adult now and I'm just going to move forward. However, the truth is, when you don't deal with the past, you don't heal the past micro-macro traumas, when you don't heal those parts of you that didn't get what they needed when you were little, then all the same bull crap things are just going to keep coming up, coming up, coming up until you heal and learn that lesson. You know that's true. Okay. So sister, I get it. I get it. Been there, done there. Like, like, you, for those of you know me and have been following me for a while, you know that I have had quite the journey of looking outside of myself for all the things. You know, I healed myself from an eating disorder. Healed myself from a, you know, love and sex addiction. I healed myself from from over-shopping and over-spending and all these things. Lots of things. So it's like a game of whack-a-mole. When one thing, you know, it's like healing. never ends, but however, we can heal certain things. Right. So it's the same thing over and over that

keeps coming up. And you say, oh, I've done work around this. Well, clearly you haven't done the work. Sit with that, please. Where are you not being truthful with yourself and get really real? I really invite you to do that. So again, all of these things are easier said than done when dealing with old programming from our childhood and our past. I get it. If you've struggled to shift this pattern on your own, I highly encourage that you seek out a trauma-informed coach like myself, right? I'm here. I work with clients all over the world. So whether you're, you know, local in person or, you know, virtually, I got your back, sister. Right. So I can guide you through the somatic practices in the inner child healing because you deserve to feel safe. You

deserve to feel joy and you deserve to feel true freedom. And I would be honored to support you on your healing journey. Okay. So now let's integrate this awareness with a powerful short meditation to help you release the energy of people pleasing and return to your true power. So if you're able to, again, if you're driving, obviously, you can still listen to this, but Don't close your eyes. But, you know, I do encourage for you to, when you have time to be alone, where you won't be disturbed and, you know, maybe go sit under your favorite tree and have a listen. So close your eyes and take a deep breath, a few deep breaths in through your nose.

And exhale slowly through your mouth. And again, deep inhale and release. letting go of any concerns, worries, all the stuff that's been holding you back. And again, deeply inhaling at this time, suspending the breath, holding the breath for a few seconds, three, two, one, open mouth, and fully release. Let it go. Let it go. Maybe today's the day that you release that real heavy, heavy weight that's on your shoulders,

the big boulder that you've been carrying around for years, maybe even lifetime. Sometimes this stuff is past life stuff as well. Now, inviting you to bring your awareness to your heart center, maybe even placing both hands over your precious heart. And I invite you to imagine, feel, see, or just believe that there's a warm golden light expanding from your heart space, filling your entire body. with the frequency of self-love, confidence, inner peace, and deep healing. And just imagine this golden light expanding from the center of your heart and moving through

your entire body. And saying either out loud or silently to yourself, I now release, I now release. I now delete, destroy and uncreate any judgment. beliefs, belief systems, old hurts, patterns, and relationships that have been getting in the way of you stepping into your true power. And again, imagining that warm, golden light expanding, down your torso, down into your hips in your pelvic region, down your legs, down to your cute little toes, out from the heart, down your arms. Remember your arms are an extension of your heart center down to the tips of your fingers. And then, up.

through your throat into your skull, into your head to the crown. And just imagine the deep healing is happening, transforming any lower frequencies into the higher frequency of love and joy and gratitude. And now in this space, remember, you are a multi-dimensional being who chose to incarnate into this lifetime, into this beautiful body, physical body in human form. Now silently repeat after me, I am worthy, I am healthy,

I am happy, I am whole, just as I am. I no longer need to earn love. I am love. It is safe for me to set boundaries and to speak up. And again, this can be from past life stuff from the witch wound. So it is safe for me to set boundaries.

You are safe. In this lifetime, I choose to honor my own needs first. I choose to fill myself up first. I choose to say no when it's not in alignment with my highest self. I am goddess, I am sovereign, I am free. And again, repeat, I am goddess, I am sovereign, I am free. And one more time out loud, if you can, I am goddess, I am sovereign, I am free. You have now activated your sovereign divinity, dear sister.

And imagine yourself standing in a beautiful field with the sun shining down on you. You feel light, free, and empowered. And now visualize yourself handing back the weight of expectations and obligations that don't belong to you, just seeing them dissolve into the earth and releasing them completely. And staying here for a few moments, just allowing again for the old, tapes, old beliefs, generational curses that have, you know, that you've inherited from your mother, your grandmother, your great grandmother, and just say, it stops with me now. And taking one more deep breath in and exhale and feel your power, all your power

returning to you. And when you're ready, slowly returning, opening your eyes, beautiful. Take a moment to feel into the energy of sovereignty and self-love. And if this episode resonated with you, perhaps you'd like to share it with your friends, your loved ones, and I'd love to hear from you. Share your thoughts. Tag me on the socials. And if you're ready to deep dive into healing and stepping into your power, reach out. The great news is you don't have to do it alone. Head to my website, victoriahafer.com, to schedule a complimentary call. And until next time, my dear sister, remember, you are enough, you are worthy,

and you are put on this planet to bring your gifts to the world. It's your time, dear sister. No more bullshit excuses. Let's do this. And remember, you are the universe. I love you and I'm rooting for you.