You Be Trippin' - America w/ Joey Diaz | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: September 16, 2024

Follow Joey on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/madflavors_world/ SPONSORS: -Head to http://mudwtr.com and grab your starter kit! For a limited time, our listeners get up to 43% off your entire order, Free Shipping and a Free Rechargeable Frother when you use code TRIPPIN. -Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at https://MINTMOBILE.com/TRIPPIN. On this episode of You Be Trippin, Joey Diaz runs from the cops without a passport and hitchhikes into the mountains of Colorado where he goes skiing and robs people. He tells Ari about how majestic our country is and wanting to see places in the United States that most people aren’t interested in. They also discuss dog sledding, cocaine, good sandwiches, and the beauty of cutting fresh tracks in the snow. Other topics include: house sitting, working security, time zones, and the NYC party scene. Catch a lift and get stoked to carve some powder on this one! You Be Trippin' Ep. 32 https://www.instagram.com/arishaffir https://www.instagram.com/youbetrippinpod https://store.ymhstudios.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Your team requested a ride, but this time not from you. It's through their Uber Teen account. It's an Uber account that allows your team to request a ride under your supervision with live trip tracking and highly rated drivers. Add your team to your Uber account today. You see that Sharpshooter? What he said? What? The Sharpshooter from like Turkey.

Who? It was this guy, some Olympian. What? The sharpshooter from like Turkey. Who? It was this guy at some Olympian, he's like, he doesn't have any training. He started shooting when he was 50, in a bad breakup with his wife. He started just learning how to use a gun. He just like mastered it instantly. And then he won a silver medal and he was like,

Karen, if you're listening, I want the dog back. He's still like, yeah. Dog, they took my dog. Oh, it sucks. They took the mustard. Yeah, what? They took the silverware, they took the ketchup. Rough fucking divorce dog. When they take the mustard, you know you're in no danger. I came home and I'm a lazy fuck, so for two weeks I just ordered to go food, like pick

it up, and I'd say, can you please send a fork and a knife. Sometimes they wouldn't send it. I'd sit there like an Indian with my legs crossed, eating fucking food in my living room. Two weeks it took me to my... They took the mustard, it's so mean. You're never gonna use it. And asked me where I got the fucking silver one

when I did get silver. Where? My cousin's house, I just robbed his. Took like three forks, a fucking spoon, a knife. People have no idea Hi yeah welcome to UB Tripp everybody I I'm at a remote location filming this with my uncle, my uncle Joey Diaz. Thanks.

Thank you. For doing this, this is fun. That reefer was good, huh? That reefer was good. Ooh lord. It's good to get that out of the way right now. I got that Wildwood. Really?

Yeah, I got the Wildwood to watch my daughter's softball tournament. And I went on the website of a couple of weed stores. And this weed store didn't have brands that I knew, but they just had some high end fucking grass. And I went in there and I bought three eights and I bought a $65 tube with a shit that soaked in like fucking midget blood.

So when you smoke it, you lose your fucking mind. You know what I'm saying? And I let it dry and I put it in the weed and it's fucking tremendous. How's that freeze pipe? Ooh! It goes down smooth with that thing. What do you think you're dealing with? Joy bananas, I'm getting old.

I ain't got no time to huff and puff on a fucking number. I almost crashed it. How are we gonna talk about travel? You do not have a passport. I don't have a passport, but I have dreams and desires. Yeah, okay. So we can talk about my dreams and desires. How close are we on the passport, by the way?

It's not good. I have not heard from the attorney in six weeks. They want me to go up there, then I gotta answer the phone, then I gotta do nothing. God damn it. But let's get to it. Okay, then I gotta answer the phone. Then I gotta do nothing, god damn it. But let's get to it. Okay, yeah, where do you wanna go?

Where would you go if you hadn't committed felonies? Let's get to it. Okay. I came from a foreign country, a foreign island, whatever the fuck you wanna call Cuba. Yeah. Through the years, I had just desires. You know, ever since I watched Her Majesty's

Secret Service a James Bond movie that nobody knows about I always wanted to go to Switzerland and ski. Oh damn really? That was something that was big for me well and then when I was 17 I used to TV, and ABC would always go 10 o'clock Pacific, nine o'clock Mountain, and eight o'clock Central. And whenever they would, I knew Central was Houston, because I was a Houston, Iowa fan, and I knew Pacific was California, because I'm not that much of a fucking idiot.

But Mountain always. Yeah, what's Mountain? What the fuck is that one? Mountain is Utah. Yeah, but it was like, why is that? I didn't even know of a fucking idiot. But Mountain always. Yeah, what's Mountain? What the fuck is that one? Mountain is Utah. Yeah, but it was like, why is that? I didn't even know that was a thing. It's a time zone. Yeah, until, yeah.

Deep in high school. And I used to scratch my fucking head like Mountain time. And you know, I always, listen, I grew up in New Jersey. I grew up in Northern New Jersey. I grew up eight miles from New York City. I thought at the time in 1985, I grew up in New Jersey, I grew up in Northern New Jersey. I grew up eight miles from New York City. I thought at the time in 1985, from 1980 to 1985, I knew one thing and one thing only.

I didn't need to go anywhere, because everything I wanted was in New York City. Everything that fulfilled my dreams, from the $20 concerts to the drugs, to the nightclubs, to hanging out in the village at night Snorting coke on a fucking car to you know, I even worked in the city. I went to the city for OTB There was something about New York City and believe it or not. There still is something about there still is dude We're just not invited all those parties. It's still going on. It's still going. It's still wild. It's still fucking buck wild

You know, did he start his parties in New York? That's how his shit screwed. And then they took it to Miami, had Liquid, and then they fucking, you know, everybody goes. Everybody got dicked. But let's get something straight. I was, about a month ago, I was in the car and I got Apple Music. I'm sorry, baby, and I got Apple Music and I pressed Madonna Essentials instead of just Madonna. You're saying, Joey, this is a travel show. How are we talking about Madonna? Whatever. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You gotta keep me on track. You didn't give me the fucking. So I'm listening to Madonna. I'm listening to a song called Burning Up. Okay. It was her first EP and it came out in 83. And I still remember, it was the beginning of my cocaine career, like going out at night.

Like I graduated from doing a half gram in a bar with four guys. Now we were taking our snorting career to AAA. We were just going to little discos at night, eat a banana biscuit and snorting career to AAA, and just going to little discos at night, eat a banana biscuit and snort coke. And I gotta tell you, Ari, as dumb as it sounds, summer of 82 and three, New York was just something that you could not explain to people.

But I'm just gonna give you a taste. Wait, time out, what's a banana biscuit? A kwae-loo, the fuckin' tumanol. Whatever costs four dollars. We took shit, my friend's mother was dying of cancer. And every January, every first of the month, he got these pills that would put you on a different planet. And he would sell them to us for like 30 bucks.

We would get fucked up on these things. Did you know what they were? It was just pills? Tuminol, at the time. What the fuck's tuminol? Exactly, something from the 80s. Yeah, okay. Today it's probably, you gotta lick a squirrel's asshole.

What does it do to you, I mean? You got fucked up already. Okay, all right. I mean like drunk, all right, whatever. Right, so, I'll never forget this. Yeah. I'm in some, I don't know, I like, it wasn't a rooftop. It was some fucking club.

And it was a Tuesday night. I used to work on Tuesday nights. And I would get out of work at one, sometimes 12.30, and the concierge at the hotel would tell me where to go. And he would call that place. And I would call my friends in Jersey and say, this is what's going on, meet me over there. The door guy got me four tickets to the Knicks.

Every night was a new adventure. Some nights I got cut at six, and he'd have two Knick tickets for me. But to get to this fucking story, I'm in a club, Madonna burning up his arm. I'm on a fucking Quaalude, okay? I'm in the middle, me and somebody else, my friend Stinky and somebody else, are in the middle of me and somebody else, my friend Stinky and somebody else

are in the middle of pussy heaven with dancing, right? I'm not a good looking dude at the time. I'm just coked up to the gills fucking looking around. My buddy Stinky is making out with a chick and he's grabbing another chick's titty, all right? And I'm watching this as I'm dancing, burning up. I mean in those days you dance Fucking dry humping, you know, and I'll never forget at one point a night I looked back and

It was four in the fucking morning There was 300 people in this room moving exactly the same And it was only a Tuesday night. And I'm like, right there in my mind, I said, where is this happening right now? Like this. I mean, there's people jumping up and down, and they're like, ha ha ha ha, I just got a movie deal.

No, no, no, no. I'm talking about people who are working. On a Tuesday. This is a Tuesday night at some fucking club in the village. There's 300 people in there. Trust me when I tell you, there was no valet. There was no VIP room. There was nobody rich in there.

These were people from the ages of 18 to 27, 26, that had jobs that were going to college and at one point said, I'm gonna keep my job at UPS, but I'm going out five nights a week in New York City. I'm not missing anything. I'm not missing a thing. I still remember going to see the Mets and then going into the garden to see the pretenders.

Chrissy Hyde just broke her leg the night before at the pier in Long Island, that place that floods when there's water, I forget what it's called, and she slipped and broke her leg. They were gonna cancel the show. Chrissy Hine said, fuck you motherfuckers, came out with the crutches and threw them into the audience at the garden and said, let's do this.

And they opened up with Fuck in the Middle of My Load, that song from 1984, Learning How to Crawl. I saw some shit in New York City that I knew in my heart didn't happen nowhere. So what did I want to travel? Where the fuck do I want to go? What? It's hard to jump around.

I'm doing things in New York that people never fucking dreamed of at the time. Okay, I remember that was a time when everybody got home at six in the morning. Everybody, if you went out there was no, I gotta go home, my girl, no! Everybody was out til six in the morning. As you were driving home to change your clothes

and gargle with Listerine and clean your nose from the cocaine, you'd see kids going to school. And this was five nights a week, and on the weekends they would stay home. Because there was so, and these weren't my friends. I just talked to them at clubs. So all those people that were going to Studio 54 were not rich people, yeah.

Celebrities were there, but most of them were like this. But regular people too, wow. There's a fucking thing on Studio 54 on Sunday nights, a podcast on Sirius. And some of them suck. But some of them, it's fucking professionals that'll tell you how they snorted four nights a week, they had two kids, jobs, and they still made it work.

And you're like, so you put a side schedule for Studio 54, yeah, so let's, all right, so let's just talk about New York City at the time. So I didn't have the desire, but I got in trouble, things happened, and then somebody offered me a fucking great opportunity in Aspen, Colorado. And when I looked, it was mountain time. And I'm like, I'm killing two birds with one stone.

I'm avoiding the police, and I'm gonna get to an adventure to see a new place. And right there, I became Ari Shafir. But I wasn't international Ari Shafir. I just started going to Tempe, Arizona, when Tempe was nothing. Oh my God, oh, it was not good yet? 1984.

What do you mean? I went to Tempe to visit my friend from ASU. Yeah. It was, it was. Not cool? It was cool, but it wasn't what it became when we got the greasy Tonys. Yeah.

And then from there I went to another place I always wanted to go, to San Francisco. The cops were looking for me in Boulder, so I went to San Francisco. So I became international ARRI and it was. This is how the early settlers went. And this is so cool because when I slept in fucking, you know, places with 20 other people on the floor

and I would walk behind the maid and steal her keys and then take the key off of somebody who had money in the hotel and I'd rob them in San Francisco. When I traveled, I traveled, okay? I didn't have any money. What do you mean? You stayed in dorms and stuff? I stayed in a place, okay? I didn't have any money. What do you mean? You stayed in dorms and stuff? I stayed in a place,

when I first moved to San Francisco in 85, I stayed in a hotel that was kind of a dorm, and years later it became a hostel and it's still there. It's still there. Yeah. When I worked the punch line, I would walk over there. There is a hostel somewhere down there. Downtown by the Virginia, something like that.

It used to be the Virginian Hotel in 1985. The cops were looking for me for robbing German tourists one night. So you hit out. So I ran around the corner and got on a bus that goes to Reno every hour on the hour. I went to Reno and that was fucking death. I knew in 1985 that that was death. In 1984 and 1985, I went everywhere Reno and that was fucking death. I knew in 1985 that that was death.

In 1984 and 1985, I went everywhere in this country. From Hawaii, I went to Arizona, I went to San Francisco. I went to Hawaii. Yeah, we're good. I went to Hawaii. I went to Arizona. When I was in Colorado, I made sure to go to like Montana. I made sure.

Oh, God damn is Montana nice. I made sure to go skiing in Utah. So wait, you did ski? Yes, when I got there, before I left New Jersey on a coke binge, my buddies took me to the Playboy Club in the Poconos and they had midnight skiing. I wanted to be James Bond and ski with a machine gun and shit.

How fucking, how big are you at this point? 180, what do you want to do? I'm shredded, I'm 19, 20, and I go to the ski resort, I do a line of coke, I go up on the mountain, and next thing you know a wind comes by that was so cold and so fucking vicious that my ears froze, and the guy's like, get on the, listen, tell your mother to get on the thing.

Tell her my slips, send the car up here. And I decided right there, I'm never gonna fucking ski again. I was very East Coastish, very shallow, like I was not gonna ski again, skiing is for pussies. And for years I said that. Then I moved to a place that, let's be honest, we're gonna go eat bagels or whatever the hell you want.

And it was that much, I could walk. And it was even closer. To the mountain. I could walk. And at that time I was a thief and I had put some money away. Is this Boulder? This is, we're living in Snowmass, Colorado.

Again, nobody knows about Snowmass. When I got there, I found out Ted Bundy killed some people in Snowmass at the world and one of my best friends. He rules. Check out any podcast he has. Just search him, man. He's fucking great. Always putting out great crazy stories. Diaz rules. Diaz is maybe possibly tied for the best with Jesus Christ. I've got nothing to promote. Adrian Apoluchi's special that I'm very proud of who were produced directed by Louis CK starring Adrian Apoluchi called The Dark Queen was on November 12th on Netflix and I am excited for this one. I am excited for this one.

Adrian Apoluchi is one of the best comics working most top top 20 underrated for sure and she's finally getting her due on Netflix. I myself am talking about where to put my next special. Oops I don't want to that's a lot of movement. Please subscribe wherever you're watching or listening. I'm trying to get to 100,000 subscribers. So all the Joey Diaz fans if you want a new podcast every week from me, if you're watching on YouTube, go ahead and get the subscribe button right now. Why not? do it I also have a patreon patreon.com Slash you be tripping three new episodes a month

I take your postcards the people are sending it on from around the globe If you have a postcard center to 151 first Avenue number 49, New York, New York 1003 It's only a postcard box. So it doesn't take any letters or if you have well It takes the letters if you have any dollar bills from anywhere in the world Send those in because I'm trying to create a whole wall full of bills in the studio This one was a remote one. So don't worry about that That's it subscribe and follow Joey and follow me and get ready for Adrian's special and that's all I got to tell you

Let's get back to the episode. This is interesting. Joey Diaz. Joey Diaz, wow. I always wanted to do one about America and I thought I gotta get Diaz on. Well, it's his thing. Fucking ski bum in America. Ladies and gentlemen, let's get back to the episode.

Okay. What we talking about? Skiing. So I moved to Snowmass in July of 83. I was in Basalt before that. Again, another place nobody's heard of. I was Ari, Basalt, Colorado. I can't imagine you doing that. Basalt, Colorado, when you got warrants,

you'll do a lot of things. But at that time, let's be honest, I didn't have warrants. I was just finding myself. I had no success here, and I was gonna end up dead. I was working for a bookmaker on 118th Street, and I enjoyed that job, but I knew that someday the cops were gonna come. That was gonna close down.

And I'm 31, and I got nothing. Where you been for 10 years? So I said, let me get away from that and go out there. So I lived in Basalt. Basalt at the time was with Goldie Hawn. He took a gap year from crime. Yeah, and I took a breather for about four months, but then I had the seven year itch.

But Goldie Hawn and her husband, Kurt Russell, and Basalt, and I would always see him at the Conoco station. And the little girl was little and the little boy was little. And then we moved to Snowmass Village, and that's a little closer to Aspen. And you start, you got, at that point you gotta ski. So I'm in Aspen, I'm in Snowmass July, August, September,

and I'm stealing, I'm robbing these fucking condos and shit. What's wrong with you? I put away about 12 grand. Yeah. I had it hidden in another condo. Take the break you were gonna take. No, no, no. There was too much money to steal.

It was too easy. And my neighbor's father died. He worked at a place called Sport Kaelin. It was a big time ski place in 83. And his father died, like in Thanksgiving. And we started talking. He told me he didn't have money to go home. And I just went over to the apartment and grabbed like seven dollars and I just gave it to him

I go take the seven hundred dollars. Give it to me when you have it. I started crying. He was way older than me If I was 2019 he had to be 38 39 I said take this go see the dead father and all this stuff. I started crying He took my money he left for a week and when he came. Guy started crying, he took my money, he left for a week and when he came back from the wake, he goes, I'll make payment plans. I go, dog, I'm not worried about it.

That's your father, don't worry about it. And he kept bugging me. Well, if no one, whenever you wanna fucking ski, you come see me and I'm gonna hook you up with new stuff. And he would bother me, when are you gonna come see me? I don't know how to ski. I'll pay for lessons, fuck you. Skiing is for fucking pussies.

I'm not fucking skiing, okay? Well, Christmas day came, I'm by myself, and I'm sitting in this thing at one in the afternoon, it's gotta be 60 fucking degrees out, there's snow everywhere, the sun is shining, and I'm sitting watching some fucking college ball game. I go, you know what, I'm gonna go ski. Yeah, it's one of the greatest places

in the world to ski and you're right there. I'm a fucking- It's not just a mountain. Look, if I tell you how many things I hated then and how many things I was not gonna eat, sushi, I hated fucking cats, I was a fucking hateful guy at that time. God had taken away my mother, but I still wanted to travel.

I thought there was more. When you lived in New York, what I noticed was you had two weeks vacation. One week you went to Florida, and the other week you went to Atlantic City. You got white shoes on. Both of them are fucking dumps, okay? I didn't want to grow up just going to Atlantic City

and Florida. I wanted to see something different. Both of them are fucking dumps, okay? I didn't wanna grow up just going to Atlantic City and Florida, I wanted to see something different. And I wanted to see places that these mooks never talked about. I always wanted to see places that these mooks never talked about. Like what? Like any place where they didn't go.

Right, like what? Like Utah, like fucking going to the mountains of Colorado and asking somebody for a sandwich. I just had this conversation with this kid. There was a restaurant in Aspen at the time that was called the In-N-Out House. Like a vegan fucking sandwich place, the size of a closet.

They became millionaires. The guy that owned this name was Shlomo. Yeah. If you go to Aspen today, everything is named Shlomo. He had a turkey club sandwich. I don't know nothing. I just came from work. I was taking the U-Hitch hike back then. What?

Aspen had a hitching post. God damn. Who the fuck was this, Joey? Aspen had a hitching post. And across the street was the In-N-Out house. So I would go to the In-N-Out, get like a, in those days they had like an RNG.

Already, like way before these fucking warm-up. These guys were still drinking orangeade, and they already had like a seltzer soda, like something that was out of this world, all natural. And I go in there one day, and the guy that takes cameras from Buffalo, his name was Steve Cervone. Do you know we still talk today?

I was 18, he was 20. But we had dogs. I had Hercules, and he had a wolf named Colleen. So we were like faggy men. We would get together, and the dogs would run around, and we'd smoke dope, and listen to Bob Marley. He had me listen to Bob Marley. So I went in there, went down, never forget,

and I got a turkey club, and I think they gotta put lettuce and tomato in it, right? Like everybody else that I grew up with. The next thing you know, I'd take a bite to that sandwich and there was something in there that tasted like grass, and I'd just spit it out. And the guy from Buffalo started laughing his ass off. I'm like what the fuck is this grass? And he goes they're sprouts. I go sprouts? You ever put a sprout on

my sandwich again I'll fucking kill you. But the sandwich was delicious. It was like no all natural turkey with everything was vegan sort. Dog I'm gonna tell you a confession. I talk a lot of shit about curry but those motherfuckers made a curry chicken on rye bread, on multi-grain bread with lettuce. Holy shit, it was delicious. I ended up eating everything from them. I'd get a sandwich across the street and there was a place, a hitching post

in front of a hotel. From standing in front of a hitching post, I became friends with the hotel manager, and one day I brought him weed. He's like, you wanna buy quailutes? I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? Absolutely, so now I would go to the internet house, pick up three or four quailutes,

and then go to the hitching post. And you stood out there, Ari, and it was like, the adventures you tell me, only here. People would pull up, and they'd go. That meant they were only going to maybe the end of Aspen. If they were going down valley, they would give you like a big thing like this. Down valley and then they pulled over

and you got in the car with them and you drove to Snowmass Village, they dropped me off and then I'd have to run across 82 and then hitchhike on that side. Fourth of July, I get picked up by John Denver, like nothing happened, a Jeep going to a concert. People stopped? Fuck yeah, people knew that they were hitching posts.

Hitching posts, oh. People knew that they were hitching stuff. At this time. I thought it was green hitching, all right, go ahead. I just got that. It was fucking tremendous. I got picked up by Don Henley one time from the Eagles because he lived in Woody Creek.

That, you know, I would never hitchhike today. Right. But at 19, I knew I could fucking punch her. Yeah. You know, I knew I could handle myself and I was crazy. That's so fucking wild. And I thought people were gay because they'd always say good morning to me.

Just that, finding out how people, how nice people were, somewhere else. The first month I lived in Colorado, every morning people would stop and go good morning. I'll never forget, I would come home and go, dog, I gotta leave here. Everybody thinks I'm cute or something. They keep pulling over, going, do you wanna ride?

No, I don't fucking wanna ride, all right? Get the fuck outta here. I didn't know, I was a culture shock just going from New York City and being a fucking criminal to now being an ass and trying to fit in. That's so funny. That'd just be a nice. Yeah, everybody was too nice to me.

I wasn't used to that shit. So I thought, I didn't know what they were gonna do. Rob me, fuck me. The first month I would not hitch until I asked somebody. Then I thought, everybody hitches here. It's safe, you just take the ride. Sometimes people would pick you up and you'd say, yeah, I need a job.

Really, call my friend Leo. He's looking for a fucking subcontractor or a mason or something like that. So I had that adventure. And then I came back. These are the people that you were robbing? No, at this time I was legit. I was just robbing people I didn't like and drug dealers.

So at that time I made a mistake and I came back here. Oh, I thought you were gonna go skiing. Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry about that, thank you for reminding me. We're in this together, bud. Christmas day I get pissed off, and I walk up to Sport Kalen, and there he is. And he goes, what are you doing here?

I go, fuck it, hook me up. And he hooked me up with 185s, brand new 185, brand new boots, a jacket, fucking goggles, a glove. So anybody who knows Sport Kalen knows it's 100 yards from when I get out of sport Kaelin What sport Kaelin sport Kaelin is the where the guy hooks me up up to okay the scheme stuff It's a hundred yards. You got to walk past the jewelry store and a stew pot and something else and something else

No, I think I'm John Claude Keely. I get out on my skis and he goes. Yeah. Yeah, just go over there All right. I started at 11 o'clock. By 1.30, I still wasn't over there. I just kept sliding and falling. People kept picking me up. I didn't ski before, I didn't even know lessons. Yeah. And I went on the fucking thing

and it took me to the top of a mountain and they released this thing and I just went, went down. I fell a few times. How great was it? It was un-fucking- Dude, how great is skiing? I didn't know you did it. So then I got on the thing again, and again, and again.

The first day it was just accidents. I couldn't stop so I'd take a whole line out of people. Da da da da da. It was fucking insane. I remember coming home, my roommate was back. He's like, where were you? I go skiing, he's like, get the fuck out of here. I see the sun on was back. He's like, where were you? I go, skiing. He's like, get the fuck out of here.

I see the sun on your face. And he goes, what do you think? I loved it. So when the guy came back that night, my neighbor, I sat him down and I go, I gotta take lessons. And he goes, don't worry about it. Tomorrow, meet me at eight up there. We'll hook you up.

And you come up there with my pass. And then I fucking went up there and he taught me how to stop, how to fucking, and we started on little things. And every three days a week I would just meet him at eight in the morning before the fucking place even opened. Because he had a special ski pass from working at Sport Kalen and he knew everybody on the mountain.

The same people who work on the mountain work on the river rafting in the summer, same people. So, Doug, I was fucking addicted. I was addicted to the point that I got a job with a ski pass. So you get free skiing? Yeah, so I could ski there. At that time, they used to give you a three mountain pass.

They told me, you don't want to go to Ajax. You don't want to fuck with Ajax. And the other one was kind of far away. Not really, there was three resorts at the time. I don't know what it is now. And it was just spectacular. I love skiing, I love the adventures. I love skiing, I've still never been there.

I've been to other parts of Colorado. This is my part of Ari. Yeah. Like when you talk to me, that's why a lot of people don't get what you're saying, I get it. There's nothing like getting on a fucking gondola, whatever the fuck they are. And you get on there with three other people,

four other people, and you get on there in the morning, and you gotta go to work at 11.30. You ski mornings, you were that close to the fucking best mountain around. But I wouldn't go to Aspen, I'm not gonna sit here and go, I went to 1130. You ski mornings. You were that close to the fucking best mountain around. But I wouldn't go to Aspen. I'm not gonna sit here and go, I went to Ajax. Ajax is this. You gotta be good to go to Ajax.

Plus it's high altitude. You didn't need it anyway. You got high altitude sickness. Let's just have some fun. I didn't need all that shit, so I went down. I'll never forget getting on a gondola with four fucking doctors. I go, what's up guys, how you doing?

Good, good, yeah, you're from the East Coast, yeah. I went to school in Boston, what do you guys do? Oh, we're doctors, we're here on a convention in Aspen, but we came to Snowmass today. And I'm like, really, you came to Snowmass, but your convention's in Aspen. You know why they ever come in to Snowmass? Within two minutes they're like,

do you mind if we smoke pot? I'm like, no, go ahead. I was gonna whip a joint out. And next thing you know, I'll never forget this day. And at the time I was clean already, I was really focusing on myself. I was such a good time skin. I wouldn't snort coke. And these motherfuckers were like, you want a bump? And they were like snorting, eating mushrooms.

And I'm like, wow! I'm just meeting these people and they're offering me mushrooms and fucking weed. It's for a 19-year-old kid who grew up in New Jersey, it was my hippie years. It was like really like just. Hi guys, today's episode of You Be Trippin' is brought to you by Mint Mobile.

Let me tell you a story about one time, I was in Canada during the Montreal Comedy Festival and I was broke. I was what Tom refers to as a poor. Tom Segura, who was a not poor. He would refer to me then as a poor. And I went and used my phone and they hit me with such a giant surcharge.

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the grass in the mountains I'm like what the fuck is this shit oh during the summers and I'm like what the fuck is this usually the girls I pick up they dry hump you take them home fuck no this girl was like no I refuse I'm going to your to the mountain we walk like a, and then she took an apple out with brie cheese. Guys, I didn't know what brie cheese was. I'm from fucking Jersey, what do I know what brie cheese is? And she's like, eat it.

We were eating grapes and crackers. I'm like, what happened to the salami? Where's the fucking sandwich? Where's the Chinese food? But even that was culture that I had never seen before. It's cool, they're cool people. Mountain people are cool. culture that I had never seen before. It's cool, they're cool people, mountain people are cool. And then I was addicted.

Yeah. And then I gotta go to other places. So at the time I was big into cocaine. You know what I do? I put a, you know when you put a chicken in a bag, what's that called, you like baste it, you put that in your knapsack the whole day and the whole morning you're just fucking roasting it

in a Ziploc back there, and then you go to the top of the mountain where they have grills, and you take the shit out, and you just fucking grill up some hot chicken. I never even thought of that. But I got so addicted to skiing, it took over my cocaine addiction. And then I came back here in 85, 84, and I was cracked. Like something was missing from my life.

Skiing. It was skiing, and I fucking ended up staying here for 18 months, homeless, and I said fuck this, I'm going back to Colorado to ski. Joyce Diaz Ski Bum. And I went back to fucking Aspen, I got the snow mask as a house sitter. All those pictures you see of me from Colorado

were all when I was house sitter. All those pictures you see of me from Colorado were all when I was house sitting. And I was fucking 185, 5'10", fucking yoked. I had a punching bag in the garage. And it went from that house. And you're gonna type all this up and show these people the pictures. It was called 435, Far Away Road. You know what they want for that house now what a hundred thousand a month

Rent it you can go on Zillow right now That house is a three point four million dollars when I was a house sitter the owners of the house Only came once a year for a week They left you a Jeep And they've made you stay in the apartment over the garage, which was... Just to make sure it's not falling apart? Not falling apart. You had 20 hours.

You were Nicholson. I was 20 hours a month, either skiing in the winter, shoveling in the winter. Yeah, 20 hours a month? Yeah, or cutting grass in the summer, and doing little repairs, painting. The most important thing was when he came to town that the house would be ready.

And in the 18 months I was there, he came one time. His name was Dick Self. Yeah. All right. Okay. And that house was just an adventure for me because. I still can't believe you just went, so you just went skiing all the time.

I just went, and then when I went back in the winter of 85, now I knew what I had to do. So you ready for this, guys? Yeah. Uncle Joy became security at the Crestwood Hotel. My shift was four to one. They were actually paying me the case joints. knew who had money who had jewelry. I got the whole fucking lineup, but I'm not gonna lie Yeah, I didn't rob for like the first ski season

That's like tight bunny being a fucking yeah Alarm and shit. Yeah shit. I really enjoyed myself. Are they gave me a fucking security job How long do you start robbing them? There was light because- That's crazy. People gave you shit. What do you mean? Like when Texans came in to town with oil money,

you think they bring skis? They go up there and drop $8,000. And guess what they do when they leave town? They just leave them? They call the bus, the guy who gave them a ride to the airport or whoever picked up the boots for them and they go, you want this? We're not gonna take this back.

So I stocked up on skis and boots and it was just, I didn't wanna mess that up. You know when I don't wanna mess something up, I won't. I mean 20 years I never messed up at the Comedy Store. That's a good deal. She never banned me. People still like, Joey, how did you get banned? How did you get banned?

No, I never got banned, what I'm saying. The amount you robbed from that place. But I didn't rob that, I didn't rob directly from Mitzi. I robbed, well, with the passes. With the passes, they got you the passes. But I was so intrigued with skiing. And now I got to the point where I knew everybody out. Water please. No, no, I got. Yeah, bring another one. So go keep going. I'm listening.

I got to the point where I was so intrigued by skiing. Now we're skiing different levels. There's no waters here. There. I think there's either one or get some primes pull some primes out of there sorry about that I don't think I have any father's water went down the shore yeah I'll take whatever you whatever you just sit down you want. Just sit down, you're making me nervous. You got me too high. My job was, I worked at a video store in the morning, like from 11 to like two, because the guy knew how much I enjoyed movies.

And then I only worked security like four nights So it was four to one or four to twelve I think it was yeah, and my job was just to pick people up at the airport that came in late So I would be busy from four to seven and then I did what I wanted. I smoked dope. I went to the I got a house When I first moved to snowmass, I had to live in the employee dorm And that was a fucking adventure But when I first moved to Snowmass, I had to live in the employee dorm. And that was a fuckin' adventure. All those things prepped me for prison. You know what I'm sayin'? Like to learn how to live in a dorm.

Oh yeah, I bet. You don't know what it's gonna prepare you for. And that second time, Ari, I went up there and I was trying to, I don't even know the distance. But if I tell you what it was, it was sickening. All I had to do was, even though I had a three mountain ski pass from the Crestwood, and I had a snow mass pass from the video store, I just gave them to my friends.

Because you skied this mountain that you would live right next to. I lived there, but since I worked at the video store, I became friends with all the people who ran the machines. So all I'd have to do is open my back door, walk with my boots, put the skis down, get on the skis, and then I would push upward for about, ah, maybe seven minutes, and then not,

like three minutes up, and then like four down, and I would ski right into a thing. I'd stay with plowing the ski stuff, like, or it would snow the night before. And then whatever. And I would do that. I would do like runs from 8.30. I wouldn't even snort the night before

because I wanted to fucking do this. I wanted to fucking do this. What else could do that? Listen, from the world I came from, to get up early in the morning, and the sun shines on your face, and it's a little bit cold, but once you get on the mountain, you hit your first fucking thing,

whew, it's accelerating in the morning. It's better than a blow job with an ice cube up your ass. It's better than anything you'll, that's what maybe. It's the best. That's what maybe. Cutting tracks, when you're like, no one's touched this yet. Nobody's touching it.

It's so good. You know, you still see like elk. And yeah, you look back, you see your own track. I see my track. Yeah, yeah, you see animal tracks out there. Animal tracks running. It was something, and people listen to this, and they'll go, come on, and it's like, dog.

No, fuck off. What else would get Harvick 7 to beat in line by 7.45 so you'd get on the first lift? What fucking line? There was no line. I would open up the condo, Rick Nixell's condo, and just ski over. Like I said, he was like three minutes up.

Listen, the first couple of hours. And you're just already skiing? There's not onto a lift? No, I would just. You're saying you're halfway up the mountain? I'm already halfway up the mountain. God damn. So I would ski like seven minutes

and I'd be right there at a lift and then I'd start again. Then sometimes I'd warm up on the easy ones and then hit three of the hard ones. And then. When did you get high? What point in the day did you get high? At night.

At night. You were doing it while you were skiing? At this time I wasn't doing coke. I didn't break till. No, I mean weed. Oh yeah, I was smoking like a fucking, they had that Colorado weed at the time. You're smoking and you hear Joe Walsh

singing Rocky by my eye. You know, they had so many different options of weed. And I had a guy, Kato, in town. And his job was, listen, I don't care whether you're in Basalt, Carbondale, Aspen, you got a bag of good weed, you bring it here, I'll give you the money. This guy brought me weed that was scientific from Woody Creek Tavern.

So I was, Doug, I was living my best life. My roommate was a cook. Did you ski high? Oh yeah. Yeah. Never cocaine. No, not a lot, but weed. Never cocaine.

You start right away or you go a little bit and then get back? Always weed. Never mushrooms, because I did mushrooms when I first moved there. And I got diarrhea. No, no, no, no. I just did mushrooms. A light ones?

And got a big diarrhea asshole and I said, what do I mean? I don't want to do diarrhea when I'm enjoying myself. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's fair buddy. I'll stick with the quailudes and the reefer. I was very happy with the quaalude, the Reefer,

and a Southern Comforter too at that time. That's what, and then I would go home and puke because I'm allergic to alcohol, you know? But those were the fucking, the best. And that's what made me- God, how long did that last for, that whole season? Did you get good? Very good.

It gets better. It gets better. You were on to that last board that whole season. Did you get good? Very good. It gets better. It gets better. The dude I gave the $700 to, he was in a big tight skiing community. December of 85, going into 86, he knocked on my door one day. I didn't live in the same building as him. He had moved and I was house sitting.

And he goes, hey man, me and my friends are gonna drive to Riverton, Wyoming, and then our other friend that is the general manager or whatever is gonna get a helicopter. And it won't take you too high, but we're gonna drop from the helicopter on the powder. What? I said yes.

What? It's one of those things that you don't wanna look like a pussy, and you say yes to. But deep down inside, you're like, I hope the fucking world ends before this fucking happens, before this date happens.

Yeah. The guy had connections. You were gonna do Hellas Gang? Listen to me, the guy was so connected, I wanted to go see the Sixers play the Nuggets, and he got me a private plane for $250, and we split it four ways. 75 hours round trip each in a four-man plane

with cocktails and fucking, the guy was playing music and the whole fucking deal. That's how connected this guy was. I did not know this when I gave him the $700. I did not know this. I had entered a different world with this guy. This guy was a professional skier. This guy knew people and I worked in the summers, for a couple summers I worked for a guy named Chip Chilson.

He had a masonry company. Chip Chilson was also a professional skier. So Chip and him were friends. He got me the job with Chip. So these guys just, the way we talk comedy and reefer, remember the nights at the comedy store? How much we would talk about comedy? These guys talked about skiing.

And they talked about, these motherfuckers went to New Zealand half the year. I guess they're skiing down there or something like that. Yeah, maybe. Somewhere they would work, they had their lives. This is a complete dream. This is a fucking hand job for a guy like me. But these guys had a job that they had become masons.

And they would do six months in Aspen, the summer season, and then they would go back with all that money they made and ski in different countries. They would go to different places, these guys. This was a different level. I had gotten involved with the Robin Williams and the Richard Pryor, a fucking comedy. I didn't know it was about skiing. So sure enough, the day came. We drove to whatever the fuck part of Wyoming. Guy came with a helicopter. They gave me some type of vest.

Wait, wait, wait. Did they tell you how to do it? They told me a couple things. Do you jump out with the skis on already, or do you jump out and hold them? You jump out with the skis on, so you have to stand on the side with a hook. It was a long time ago, Ari. It was 40 fucking years ago.

And I was just talking to them on a Patreon podcast about fear. I love when I'm scared of something because I'll make a lie about it. I don't like it. But eventually you have to do it. It's like when you went, I was watching one of your podcasts,

you went somewhere and you ate something. Like you're an eater, I'm not. You're open minded to eating bald nuts and a pigeon. I can't. That's my fears of traveling internationally. That I'm not gonna like the food and I gotta get on a plane immediately. So I had gone to Jamaica, all this shit,

and by that time, 86, guys, I was already, I had a residence in Miami. I had a place where I could go to Miami and stay, pick up Coke and go go to Miami and stay, pick up Coke and go back to the East Coast, back to New York City. So I was moving around, guys. I led a horrible life.

In fact, I was thinking about when it started, that life, that really bad part of my life started August 12th, 1984, because the girl I was dating at the time that I was really close with, trust me, I was a mess drug-wise. But I was stable because I had a girlfriend. I could not have a job.

Her parents knew me. I couldn't go to their house and go, ah, I'm patent, no. You had to have something in those days. And they knew I was off the hook. So I always kept some type of fucking job, you know. What we talking about? Skiing, we gotta get with the hella skiing.

The hella skiing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they got me over there and we practiced something, now that you think about it, like how to land but it was a- They have to run you through it, yeah. It's the same thing as how to stop. What's that called, the snow plow?

When you cross your legs. It was something we guys, it was a long fucking time ago. I didn't drink that morning, I didn't do anything, because I thought I'd pass out. And you have to hold on, but they lowered the helicopter down for us for the first time, and we just jumped.

But when you land, you're off and going. That's crazy. So you have to land, you're off and going. That's crazy. So you have to land, get let off, like two ski poles, and land. And I think I lost a pole the first time. I mean, guys, I'm a clunky fuck. They had me doing shit that I wasn't even ready for. You can't, can you even like stop and enjoy the moment

or be on top of the fucking mountain? Oh, I did. It was when you look around, and I've always said this about the Rocky Mountains that certain parts of the mountain, man, you look at it and you don't have to be a religious person but you know something funky happened here. Whenever I'm in Colorado I know something funky happened here and something with God's hand. God's hand up there. It just goes on for forever.

I like to imagine you get lost in the woods there and then wolves start chasing you eventually and how far you can get and you wouldn't make it. Today's episode of You Be Trippin' is brought to you by the Moorings. Guys, this is a wild one. It's yacht rentals. Yeah, moorings.com.

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M O O R I N G S dot com no rush itineraries no nothing moorings.com look into it it could be really fucking cool Hamburglar why are you calling? Mcble, Rubble. McDonald's has a new biggest burger called Big Arch made with two 100% Canadian beef patties, a new delicious sauce, and all the McDonald's flavors you love and... wait you want me to help you get it? Rubble. Come on. Compared to beef burgers on McDonald's current menu at participating restaurants in Canada. And even when I lived in Aspen, I did something that you would love.

Like this guy Steve, Schiavone. He hooked me up with these people at a restaurant called Kabloonix. Think about this, 1984, 83, 83, you meet on a mountain at 5.30 in the afternoon and they come get you with wolves, you know, shh, shh, with sleds. You get on there with your fiance, they give you a blanket

and they give you a little container of alcohol. That's up there? This was in 83 and you, the guy goes, mush, and all some of these wolves take you through the mountains to a restaurant. You get off, they take the blanket, you go in, you eat, they have two servings a night. Like six, 30.

Like a time serving? Yeah, like six, 30, eight, 30. How many people are there? Nine to maybe 60. And all of them get put in there with the sleds. Wow. Doug. You're fucking that night.

I'm a kid that walks around Manhattan with a slice of pizza, even as he walks. I'm an animal. I could buy a container of pork fried rice, get two chopsticks and a napkin and eat it as I'm walking down Broadway. Here I am. And sled it into a fucking... In a fucking sled with dogs chopsticks in a napkin and eat it as I'm walking down Broadway. Here I am. You know,

and sled it into a fucking sled with dogs or some guy going mush mush. And you get there and they have like lizard meat and they had all exotic food. You're not going to go in there and get a cheeseburger. You know, they had an ostrich burger with duck legs and something else. I fucking almost pupate times. But just the experience. When was I gonna fucking ever get on a sled again, ever freeze at night? I don't even think I had a date or a girlfriend.

I think I went with Steve or my roommate at the time. And then I became one of those guys. Like when I moved to Boulder. What do you mean one of those guys? Yeah, what? Sorry guys. When I moved to Boulder, you guys got to remember that after while in Boulder, I was very lost. I got into stand up. After

I got out of prison. I didn't want to leave Colorado. I felt like I had fucked up and not approve myself to Colorado. And then comedy came along and you know. What we talking about? I want to hear more about this fucking skiing, dude. You started doing tricks. You're doing hella skiing. No, there was no fucking aerials. I'm no Circus V. Soleil, you're not digging me.

I jump off the helicopter land, that's good enough for Uncle Joey. And then you just cut tracks all the way down. The guy takes you down like 15 minutes, but the time you get to the bottom, you can't even fucking breathe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The lungs have been, everything has been taken

out of your lungs. I can't imagine you being this athletic. And you're fucking like dying. You're like. The air's so thin up there. I can't believe I did this. I cannot believe I did this. Like I respect, I drove.

Aren't you scared of avalanches and shit? That's what I'd be scared of the most. At that time I wasn't. Or just some big jump that you're like, I can't make that. I don't remember, there was an avalanches and shit? That's what I'd be scared of the most. At that time I wasn't. It was just some big jump that you're like, I can't make that. I don't remember, there was an avalanche one time when I went somewhere. But that was close by, like, rifle.

I would never go really far. They were taking me to rifle, and it's crazy. They took me to rifle. What's rifle? That's a mountain? Rifle is a different ski resort and all this shit. You never once. They took me to rifle.

Yeah, did you get injured a lot? I broke my rib one time. Yeah, nice. Nice. And that was the beginning of my shoulder. Because I was young. Worth it though. You ski, like I told you the truth,

you ski without boundaries when you're young. You don't know, you a fucking New Jersey kid. That's why when I watch Molly's Game, did you ever watch that movie Molly's Game? It's on Netflix. The beginning of Molly's Game, her father is the guy from fucking, you know, from the Cowboy Show. Yosemite?

Yeah, what's the name of that? Yellowstone. Yellowstone. He plays the father. It opens up, they live in. What, the pitcher of that? Yellowstone. Yellowstone. Yeah. He plays the father. Okay. And it opens up, they live in. What, the pitcher? Who?

The pitcher. What pitcher? The fucking, the pitcher, the fucking. The star of the fucking show, the old man. Yeah, the old man, what's his name? He was a pitcher in that one movie. Yeah, yeah, him. Him, yeah.

So, now you threw me off, cocksucker. Threw me off. So. We're in this together, we said. All right, so he played the father to Molly's game. Yeah, oh, Molly's game. through me off. So we're in this together we said. Hold on. So he played the father to Molly's game. Yeah. And the movie opens up with her on a ski resort.

And he's her coach. And I remember being on a flight and my dick got so fucking hard. And it's Jessica. She's so fucking hot. It's Jessica Shustain. So she's hot. I wasn't hot about her.

I was just hot about that thought of what it felt like to wake up in the morning, smoke a bonkhead, maybe eat a fucking croissant. And all you cared about was getting to that fucking mountain first. Getting to that mountain just to see the way the sun shined on you. It's something that you can never ever describe.

I've never had the sunshine on me again. February, the third week. It's cold but then like comforting at the same time. Talk, there's no, there's no humidity. You see the light coming through the trees sometimes, you're just like, it's just quiet. It's like a nice quiet, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I saw things, Ari, that were just mind boggling.

I saw the third week or the second week of February, they do bikini week in Snowmass Village. And you ski in bikini. Now, I never skied in a bikini. I could lie to you and tell you, I went and listened. I don't believe skiing with no pants on. All right, I ain't getting no strawberries in the fucking snow.

They had bikini week, but this is where it gets crazy. They have a part where it's like, everybody skis with bikinis, but every day they have a different event. And on this particular event, you have to ski down and then, they build something by the... A ramp?

By the diving board. Yeah. And you fly over, do a loop de loop and land in the pool. I sat there and watched that for hours on skis, on skis. What these fucking people that just practice what it's insane. It was insane. Animals, the shit I saw there. And then I ended up the girl I was dating.

OK, the girl I was dating. God, how committed you gotta be to be able to do that. Okay, the girl I was dating, her two brothers, used to fuckin' piss me off at first. But then I saw what they were doing. Like these two guys started skiing when they were three. Like that's why I wanted to take my daughter to fuckin'. Yeah. You know Andy Haynes? Andy Haynes, comedian?

He's like that, He's fucking good good He just casually jumps up it turns backwards and then he's like, so you guys coming to the yeah With like not even an effort when you see something the worst thing ever is being on your ass in the mountain Yeah Looking around for your ski and also you hear and you see a bunch of six-year-old kids come by you Crushing it The crew is fucking 90 What up old man?

What's up dog? And you're like, oh They can't even like put their hands all the way down there that young year old kids come by you. They're doing fucking 90. What up, old man? What's up, dog? And you're like, oh. And they can't even put their hands all the way down. They're that young. No. And you know the people. They're so good.

You know the kids that live there. Yeah. And you know the people who come visit for one week. They go every year. They take lessons. And they just get better every year. And then when they're 20, they're fucking sick. What about the kids who live there?

Yeah. I'm not talking about you growing up in New York. You almost the kids who lived there? Yeah. I'm not talking, I'm talking about you growing up in New York. You almost convinced me to go there during COVID. I almost went to Telluride. That was one of the last, it was like down to that where like I could go skiing every day, no one would come here.

All that shit is so fucking cool. I gotta bum me now and I'm petrified to go on skis. But if I could do it all over again, to Telluride for a week, it'd be a warm up somewhere else. Did you ski up there, an Itali ride? I don't remember. Oh, right?

No, I was to Itali ride at that age. We'd take road trips on the weekends, me and my buddies from North Bergen. But it was really surreal what I saw at that age and how grateful I am, because it slowed me up a lot Traveling slowed me up. It showed me the world and one thing I always hated I lived in Boulder And I'd see these bohemian fucking rich kids and they would drink coffee at Penny Lane

And I became one of those people too. Like I like going those coffee shops. I really like it Bohemian coffee shops. This is way before Starbucks and all these fucking Gentiles. But before Gentiles were even invented, we just had regular people drinking coffee. Bohemian, I like that. But all these people would always talk about, I'm saving money up to go to France.

I'm doing this, I'm doing that. And as a Cuban, I would look at them and go, before you go to France or fucking Arabia or Africa, and I appreciate it, could you please take a look at what we got to offer? Yeah, it's great here. Okay, and then two years later, I got into stand-up comedy. And I was living in Boulder, and where do you go, Austin?

No, you go to Montana, Wyoming, and all that shit. Idaho, you end up at all those states. And I still remember being a comedian and feeling like just bombing. And I was in something South Dakota. Yeah, Bismarck. One of those South Dakota where fucking evil Knievel jumped to some shit. Anyway, I just bombed as a feature act.

They gave me like 400 bucks. And I went, I asked the fucking one, there was one Mexican, I go, do you have a cousin that sells coke? He's like, see, see. And after the show, we went over there and I picked up like a gram of blow or something And the next day his parents invited me over to eat because I was Spanish

And I'll never forget going all those idiots at that coffee shop in Boulder. None of them has ever been to Snake River North Dakota or South Dakota, whatever the fuck it is like this was really important to me like Going to all those places. There was a time when I wanted to do comedy in every state. And I'm only a couple short. What do you got short? Hawaii. You never did in Hawaii?

No. That's how fucking, there's gigs there. Yeah, Blue Note, a bunch of shit, I know. I never did, like I did Wyoming, I did Mexico. Wyoming, I never did. I did. I did New Mexico with.

Utah. With you, didn't we do it together once? Yeah, we did New Mexico with Utah. With you, didn't we do it together? Yeah, we did New Mexico, Chicago, I did all the, but I also did all these places as a stand-up comic, and I did something when I was in those places, which became attachment to me. Like right now I haven't traveled in four years to do stand-up, not do I want to.

But if you want me to tell you I don't miss it, like how excited you get when you want me to tell you I don't miss it, like how excited you get when you're going to New Mexico because you're gonna buy albums or get a certain coffee or a certain type of burrito or green chili, how fucking excited we were when we went to Denver. We would drop our luggage, roller joint, smoke, and go right and get a bowl of green chili.

You know, you go to fucking Addison, Texas. Yeah. Addison, Texas. You're going to do some. You're going to have some fun. You've got to have fun. We would go to Chuck and Jive in Addison, Texas, and get gumbo. We went one time with Rogan, but way before Rogan.

Dude, I would do Franklin every time I went to Austin. Yeah. I would stand in the dumb line like an idiot, and just wait there or get somebody else to wait for me In exchange for tickets. I would do that sometimes where it's like free tickets for free tickets a show Get me that fucking barbecue, but you just look forward to it. You're like when I go back there I'm gonna do that one thing, you know and from comedy. Yeah learn that And then listen some of these big cities are great

But I still have that fucking Colorado mentality. I still remember talking to Wiseguyguy and to let me in for a door deal and going, I just want to go to Utah. Like I didn't care what they were gonna pay me. I never go there and don't go skiing. Yeah, that's why the first time I went there was this summer. And I was blown the fuck away.

While most people are talking about Ibiza and Bali Bali, here I am in Utah having a better time. Because I don't know anybody, anybody, I got no investment here. You're just saying Ibiza would be cool. I'm telling you, I just came from fucking Utah and I'm a lot cooler than you are. Okay, whatever the fuck you may think.

And that's something I take pride in. That yeah, I didn't go to France, I didn't go to Europe, I didn't go to, well it ain't over yet. We're not gonna give up this fight yet. Hopefully with these travel podcasts, the word will get out that I have a fucking warrant. And I ain't got a passport. In 1998 in fucking Seattle, and they won't drop it.

All they gotta do is stamp it, like whatever, we're done. This isn't the guy who did it anymore. I never got arrested again for it. Haven't been arrested in 20 years. I just got in my first accident. You're an American. You should have your fucking passport. It's not listen, I understand.

Who can just stamp it? It's our fucking bureaucracy. That's the fucking dumbest shit. I understand I made a mistake. Yes, sure, sure. They won't allow me in Canada. Where in this constitution that we fucked these forefathers signed,

was it, you're not gonna be allowed in Kansas because Canada, because you got a warrant. in this constitution that we fucked these forefathers signed, was it you're not gonna be allowed in Kansas because Canada, because you got a warrant. And I get it, I fuck sure. That's Canada's rule though, but let's get ours sorted out. You can still go to France or fucking Italy. Now, last couple minutes, where would I wanna go? When I was a kid.

Well, did you all wanna go skiing in fucking Switzerland and places like that? Well, at 61, I can't ski in Switzerland. No, but that, all right, good point. But would I love to go there? Good point, yeah. Okay, you know, it's like I always bust Joe Rogan's balls as much as I love him.

Yeah. 200 million, 400 million, and you came up with Austin. Again, I got nothing against Austin. But me and Ari would have fucking blown up that office in Los Angeles, I would have lit my house on fire. $200 million. You know how people go to fucking. How many people would you spit in their face

and be like, I'll never see you again? Not really, I would just disappear, but this is what I'm gonna do. I'm not gonna be a fucking idiot. I'm gonna do what everybody that has a heartbeat does. And what would you do? I'm gonna be a fucking idiot. I'm gonna do what everybody that has a heartbeat does. That I never did before. I would move to England. Move to England?

Okay, buy a home in England. Okay. And start a podcast there. Okay, but you got $200 million. To get a whole new, listen, you still gotta do something. And I'm gonna interview a whole new set of savages. Okay. From the drummer, from Def Leppard with one arm,

I'll hunt those motherfuckers down. And get them all up there. And get them on now. He could've got anybody he wanted on. The prime minister of duck. He could've got the prime minister of Saudi Arabia. In London. In London.

Anybody he wanted. You know what I'm saying? That would've been interesting. That would be interesting. An American now with a podcast base. A month of podcasts overseas or whatever. What fucking month? You're not even listening to the dream.

Yeah, okay, I'm sorry. The dream is Monday through Friday in England, and then on Friday, you open up your fucking drawer and go, I'm gonna throw a dart. And wherever this motherfucker lands is where I'm going. You've got properties. You got $200 million. So yeah, you did the whole thing in London.

You still got 190 left. Alright, so I got a beach, I got a beach. I got Spain. What are you doing in Spain? Where are you getting a house? What are you doing? Beach house? Mountain house?

Beach, whatever I fucking want. Yeah, what do you want? As I'm walking down the street, I want that one. Somebody lives in there anyway. Or from an extra mil. Get them the fuck out of it. You have 200 million. Well, we ought to sell it in a week.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I want you out of here right now. I got your room with the Four Seasons. I got $290 million. I got your room with the Four Seasons. By the way, while we were talking, I just got $84,000 in interest. Just take it.

Let's close the fucking deal. Take it, okay? got $84,000 in interest. Just take it, let's close the fucking deal. Take it, okay. Go to Spain, Ireland. Ireland, why Ireland? They're my people. Yeah, you buy a house there? Yes. What do you mean they're your people?

You can't claim Irish. They're my people, they're Catholics. All right, I would definitely buy an island, not buy an island, I'm sorry. I would definitely get a Sicilian island something like that a whole island Something something small 200 million Island for 15 million. Huh? Could you get an island for 15 million? a

Small island with like four houses on it and every weekend you go somewhere else. That's my point No, your own every fucking weekend weekend you take a three day weekend that's 61 years old, 55. You just tell your wife, listen, I'm gonna take the private jet. Let's go to Paris for lunch. And I'll meet you in Dubai. I'll meet you in Thailand.

Nice. I'll meet you here. Wherever you fucking want with that money. That would be a fucking tremendous dream for a guy like me. To be able to go to Spain and eat ham this week. Would you go to South America anywhere? Anything there? It's all Europe for you. Listen, let's get back to it. 1983 I had a dream. Martin Luther King had a dream. I had

a dream too. I bet they didn't line up, the two dreams. The dream that I had, the other dream was to just move to Columbia and snort coke till I died. My goal was to take a picture with a big Coke move to Columbia and snort coke till I died. My goal was to take a picture with a big coke rock in Columbia and make it like a postcard and send it to my friends. Fuck you, you're working at UPS sucking my dick. I'm down here snorting and fucking Cartagena.

But at the same time. I got you a Coke spoon from Columbia. Did you? Yeah, I brought you back a Coke spoon. Where is it? I don't know, I gave it to you when I got back. How long ago? I mean.

You brought me back that stick with the fucking thing you let on fire and all the spirits left. Yes, yeah. I got rid of the good spirits too. That's the problem with that shit. Some of the good spirits are, you don't like that stuff. No, they stay, they avoid it. You gotta open the windows.

But I wanted to go to Colombia today. Guys, I would love to go to so many. I'd love to go to China. I'd love to go to so many. I'd love to go to China. I'd love to go to... Really? What do you think? I'm a big Chinese guy. I'm a fan of a lot of cultures.

I'd have to go to Africa. Let's say you got your passport though, and they're like, you got it, where you wanna go first? You can take a month. England to walk across Abbey Road like a motherfucker. Yeah. Okay, to see all those spots I heard about. All those spots with those great bands

where Eric Clapton and the Yardbirds, and they're not there. This is a pipe dream. They're not there, but just the essence of that. I'd definitely go to Birmingham, England to visit Judas Priest's hometown and Ozzy Osbourne's hometown. You know, that's an industrial city.

They busted their ass like we did. They didn't come from no fuckin' rich people. Ozzy Osbourne, Tony Iommi, those guys came from dirt. That's why they're so fuckin' good, you know? And then I would just take a trip with you, call you up and go, you're my money hunter. You're my tour guide. I Want I'm gonna give you this amount of money for five days and all planet Yeah, but I don't want to go like the Thailand. I know and have to eat lizards. I know I want to go somewhere

I'm into lobster tails, you know a nice hotel, but then again, you know me I can stay anywhere as long as I don't get bit by mosquitoes. I like to go to Tunisia. Buddy, I got a spot for you in Croatia. We could go to Croatia. Croatia. And be alone on a fucking island. You know, I always have apprehensions about Russia.

Yeah. But why not? Yeah, I never came to Russia. I don't mind getting shaken down. Maybe I'll get a story like fucking Bert Kreischer, right? Maybe meet that guy. I bet out of respect, if you did find yourself on a train in Russia, you would be like,

I'm gonna take something from somebody's overhead. Just out of respect for Bert. No, because it's international. I don't know the rules there. I don't wanna end up like the WNBA basketball player. Another place I really, really wanna go to, but I really wanna go for a month, is Israel. Wow, why?

I wanna go to the Wall, I wanna go to Jerusalem. Buddy, you would love the Wall. I know, I would fucking say that. You and Simone would love the Wall. When I saw the fucking, there's a couple shows I've watched when people go to Israel, and it's pretty, except when Dane went and they were like, we gotta leave, they're bombing people in Tel Aviv,

you know, bomb just came over, and he's asking people this, how they live, and those people are like, fuck yeah, we don't give a fuck, you know. I would love to go to Israel. I would love to see just the people. Tel Aviv's really cool. I would love to wear Yom Kippur for a little while.

You would, you'd hit your roots. You're Jewish, people don't know that. I would love to wear a yarmulke for a little while. You would, you'd hit your roots. You're Jewish, people don't know that. I would love all that shit. People just see you as Cuban, but in fact you're Jewish. I would love to just walk around and that's a dream, but you know, as Americans we all have these dreams. Buddy, the smell, you would love it,

the smell everywhere, and then all the Jesus stuff. You're just like, it's like you're an ancient civilization, old Jerusalem. No, I know, I know. I love all that stuff. And there's so much drugs in Tel Aviv. It's so much drugs in Tel Aviv. A lot of ecstasy and shit. A lot.

They jump up and down. They know how to go. They go. Yeah. But then I wanna go to places that you've told me that have been like quiet. What do you mean? What do you mean quiet?

Like I like to go, like when I go to a town, I don't want to go see the bar. I want to go to the opposite of a bar. I want to go someplace where I get to see people live their lives every day. I want to just sit there with a cup of tea or whatever the fuck you drink in that neighborhood. It's not goat's blood, like anything else,

I would sit there and just watch people. You learn more from that than anything else. And learning about people is so fucking, even when I went to Colorado, do you understand I was meeting, here I'm meeting Goombas and Cubans and everybody's a gorilla. Back there you're just meeting people.

Yeah, you see how they live, just sort of like, see it fresh. And I can't imagine going to like LA and being there for a year And then leaving to some place where they don't even know what a movie is And and you're like wow These people just want to be nice There is nothing Because i'm not that i'm not that person. I'm not a welcome wagon

I'm not the type of guy that would go are you coming to're coming to Jersey, come on, I'm gonna show you the sights. Go fuck yourself. You wanna go see the Statue of Liberty. I'm not gonna go see the Statue of Liberty. You wanna live the way people are living. But when you go to a place, there's always, it's like when you go to the Funny Bowl in Nebraska, and she picks you up and takes you

to one of their restaurants the next day. Not a chain, one of their local places, and you talk to the waiter and the waitress, and they tell you, oh, you should go to the Dog day. Not a chain. One of their local places and you talk to the waiter and the waitress and they tell you, oh you should go to the dog track. What fucking dog? Well dog track, yeah. You know?

And all that. Even when I went to Bristol, Tennessee, they were so fucking nice, Ari. They were so fucking nice that you leave there feeling shitty about yourself. Because you can never be that nice. I could never be that, I could never live in a town at 2500.

But also you're just like open to it too. You're sitting there like wide-eyed. Oh, I love it. Like inviting. I love that diner we went to in Austin. The late night diner. No, the one we went to for breakfast when we were staying at that hotel.

And then we saw Mark Maron there. Yeah, oh yeah. That's me. What do you mean? That's the type of place I wanna hang out. We spoke to the fucking manager, we were talking to the waitress at the tattoos. It's just, to meet other people is why you travel.

Like these people who wanna go, I'll go to Italy and look at churches. Listen, I've seen enough fucking churches. I've seen prisons, I've seen all that shit. I don't wanna see that shit. I wanna experience the people and how they talk to me and their views on things. You know, my neighbors went to Italy and they came back

and they were like, it was great, but they both lost 100 pounds since they went to Italy. In Italy? No, when they came back. Because they realized how fucking lumpy and fat Americans were Yeah, that they sat there for an hour going he's an American. He's an American He's an American and then they found out about the foods the sister lost 60 pounds also Because they're not eating that way anymore. They took all that shit out of that guy

It's all like gluten-free like pastas there. They fucking changed everything brother. Yeah That's the only problem with Italy. You would get fat, but they're not. They're not, and we are. And she goes, it was so embarrassing to see Americans. Like they learned that from it. Look at the people in Italy, they're all in shape. Oh so then they came home and lost weight.

They all look good. Oh wow, yeah. Naturally, you know, they don't give a fuck about what Americans are saying. You can't eat pasta. They're eating pasta. They're just not putting all that shit in their fucking food.

And these kids are not eating all that shit in their food. So they look like normal fucking kids. It's so fucking processed. So it's so processed. They went to Italy and lost weight. That's when you know life is good. I remember how to wrap this up. Where else in America do you want to go?

Let's just say you can't get your passport. What's still calling you? I went to Yosemite for the first time this year, Acadia. There's places, what's calling you here? I'll go to Yosemite, I've already been. You want to do that stuff like that? Or are there any cities, anything? From the lack of traveling,

I'm not going gonna lie to you and tell you I don't miss the cities. The cities. The cities. From traveling, I miss Boston. Do we have so much fun in Boston walking around? Milwaukee? I like Milwaukee.

Underrated town, yeah. I liked Houston, Austin. We had a great time in Dallas. I always loved Miami. I hate Miami. Where would I want to go, Ari? Left with my family, where would I want to take mercy? We've been planning this trip for three years

and we can't get it off the ground. I want to take her to Colorado. I want her to see at an early age what I saw. Dude, she would crush skiing. I'd never. That determination. She would soak it up. She would kill it.

Bro, she would soak it up. There's a hotel I wanna stay in Boulder. There's a four hour drive to Aspen. Stay up a couple days up there. You don't even look at your credit statements. You just eat, do what you can, and fuck it. Because you're only gonna get one opportunity to do that. Okay, so I wanna take her there.

Hawaii, all that shit. I wanna do, I wanna take her to places that really got under my skin when I went there the first time. You know, because like I said, anybody could go to fucking England. Anybody could go to Australia. It's really, you never hear somebody going,

hmm, I'm gonna take a trip to fucking Estes Park, Colorado. Which is one of the most visited parks in the country. That's where you feed the chipmunks. They come up to you and eat. It's a couple minutes or hours, not even, from where Nicholson shot The Shining. Wow. It's in Estes Park. And at that hotel in the winter,

they have an all you could eat. Well, what do you call those on Sundays? Brunch. And the way I started comedy, I had a place called The Broker in Boulder. They have a big brunch to all those ski places are There big that big brunch places So I would take her to Colorado

So when you think of when I just say hey think of where you want to go you think of where you'd want to Take your daughter to go. That's where your mind goes immediately if I get the passport. Yeah, we're all going passports different We're all going but Passport's different. We're all gone. But if I stay in the States, you know we had a great fucking time. Last two years ago we drove to Kentucky, we drove to Tennessee, but we stayed along the way in different places.

Best night we had was Cincinnati. Why? Fucking breakfasts out of this world. That's fun, road trip, a little road trippy. Yeah. I still like, listen, you're not gonna land in every town that you like. But there's gonna be one time you're gonna go,

wow, this is cool. But it's like you said about just seeing, you're sitting there having coffee in a not tourist town and you're just in the morning and you're just kinda listening to what they talk about, I don't know. It's just like they speak a little differently than where you're from. It's just something about, it's called,

like as comics we do it. As we get more successful we don't do it. It's called getting the patois of that city. Getting the patois of that sound. When we were feature acts with Rogan, we'd fly a night early down there, go to a restaurant, go shoot pool, we'd have the whole day open, you, go to a restaurant, go to a pool, we'd have the whole day open,

you'd go to a mall with Rogan. That got crazy, but at the same time, whether I go with Rogan or you, I'm gonna do the same thing. I'm gonna hunt out a breakfast spot, smoke a joint, that's what weed is great. We'd get you out of that hole. You walk around, get coffee.

You walk around. You'll find some good one. You'll look at one place like, nah, this doesn't look fucking hipstery enough. You know, I still remember walking place in Cleveland. Yeah. That was such a fucking dump. Yeah.

They hadn't cleaned the glasses on this restaurant in 25 years. Yeah. They had fucking. Greasy, Joe. Greasy Joe. Had Hoffa's fingerprints on the fucking window and they didn't know it.

And how great was it? I walked past, I looked at it and I go, that place is filthy because they didn't clean the glass. And then I walked 20 more steps, I smoked pop behind their alley. And what was coming out of the kitchen was so fucking good. And I actually went in there and I go,

what is that smell? And they go, Fra Diablo. I go, throw me some lobster Fra Diablo. And when that seafood came out, I go, well, I'm not performing tonight. This shit got something in it. Maluchia, this shit is not gonna be good for me. And I fucking ate it.

And it was so fucking good. Remember when I said I was going to Jacksonville, what you told me? What? You go, do not eat the fish. At the seafood buffet on Friday night. And I was like, okay. And then you go, I repeat, do not eat the seafood buffet.

Oh, that's Jacksonville. Yeah, Jacksonville. At the Mandarin Hotel. Something like that. Friday nights, they used to have the all you could eat buffet, you know, soul, all those shitty fish, and they give you these ugly fucking shrimp. That's before Katrina.

They had everything down there, and you'd be sitting there as a hungry comic. You'd think it'd be fresh, being that close to the ocean. You'd think it was fresh. And next thing you know, you're performing, you're hearing sounds in your stomach. You hear a bongo fucking thing behind you.

So yeah, I still want to take it to Colorado. I always loved Montana, deep down inside. You know, it takes, anybody can move to a big city and be cool. But it takes a certain person to go, you know what? I want to go to Wyoming. Wyoming, that'd be a fun, that'd be a cool place to go. I want to go back to the Grand Canyon.

I went there with Simone and Renazizi. I would like to see that again. Go again, that's a great place. I don't need to see anything in the Pacific Northwest, those cities are kind of crazy. I like hiking up there, but that's about it. Seattle is beautiful. Seattle rules, oh well yeah, you know Seattle.

It rules in the summer, that is a great town to be in in the summer, like I learned all these little things. Seattle was always very cool. Very cool, like people ask me, why did you go there in 95? I go, Pearl Jam, and once I heard Super Unknown, the album, I knew I had to go up there

to see what the fuck was going on. They had a scene. It was, I was in Michigan, I met a girl on the way to eat breakfast. She goes, I didn't know if I told you, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend, and I'm moving to Seattle I said do me a favor stop and come get me what that's how you go

And she showed up two weeks later with a fucking you all and a truck and we camped the whole way up And we fucking moved to Seattle and it you know These are the things that people don't really know that they think they know you but they really fucking don't You know, they really don't people really have. They think they know you, but they really fucking don't. You know, they really don't. People really have no idea who the fuck you are. These things I talk about now, people are listening on that. I don't see it. It's crazy how much I love that stuff.

Yeah, that's nuts. Yeah, it's so, the way you describe New York too, same way, where like, there's just cool people in certain places. You know, you learn a lot from people, man. And as a comic, I'm a people watcher. What about Alaska? Have you ever been to Alaska?

Yeah, I've been there. I did comedy. Chilku Charlie's. You did? Woodshed? Three years in a row, 20 years ago. Did you do Woodshed? Chilku Charlie's with Stan Hope's bar that he booked at.

Him and Andy, whatever his name is, his friend. Inquisit, whatever. And I did that a couple times, just fucking beautiful. But I never went to the other two spots that are popular. The Woodshed is what they sent us, what's his name, what they sent us to. Wheels and- It's in Anchorage?

What, yeah in Anchorage. Okay, and where else did you go? Have you performed there the last 10 years? No, I went with Rogan once, about 12 or 13 years ago, we did the Beartooth. We did the Beartooth, and that was pretty fucking good. We did two shows, and we had a checked out bus, like a checked out bus in the back,

like it was like a school bus with weird lounges and stuff. So we sat there in between shows. It was cool, and then we went fishing. Like you said, once you're up there, you gotta do something like that. You gotta do something. You gotta enjoy that area for what it is. I remember I went to Alaska and I ate fucking halibut.

Yeah. I was shitting bones when I got back to Seattle. I love fish, love all that shit. It's so fresh. They took me and David Taylor fishing, salmon fishing, stuff out there. He'd catch it and then just kaka and whatever. And then sometimes he'll like slice it open

and he goes, oh, there's eggs in there. This was a pregnant one. It's caviar. Did you eat it? Yeah He goes, oh, there's eggs in there. This was a pregnant one. It's caviar. Did you eat it? Yeah, I ate a bite. David Taylor, he just kept, he's like, he just kept going. Every one that was cut open, he just kept going. He ate a pound of caviar and then had to throw up.

Out of a fucking belly. Oh yeah. Alaska would be cool to get back to. Alaska. Look at Alaska next summer. You know, before all this shit went on, I'm gonna tell you what place I grew up at Alaska next summer. You know, before all this shit went on, I'm gonna tell you what place I drove up and down

that state, gorgeous, Oregon. You like Oregon? Tyson's Corner, or not the Tyson's Corner's in fucking D.C. What do you like about Oregon? Yeah, that's where we're, you know. Grants Pass, Ashland, Oregon. What is that, what is this? They do, Ashland, Oregon does the Shakespeare Festival.

Every fucking year since 1952. And you go there and it's just this look and this scene. You know, it was the first hotel I ever checked and to do comedy, there was no fucking TV. And I didn't know how to act. And after I left, I went downstairs and I goes, there's no TV in my room. She goes, there's no TV in any of your rooms.

You're in Ashland. You didn't come here to watch TV, there's arts. And I'm like, fuck you. And then I walked around and I came back and I'm like, very interesting. Very interesting and guess what? I respect it now. Yeah, fuck TV.

What are you, kidding me? That's an insult to us. We have all this shit right here. I went to the festival and then I bombed the next night, the first night. I had like two nights and I had to walk around the town and people wouldn't even talk to me then. You bombed like a zombie.

You bombed like a zombie. You gotta stay in a small town. Every eighth person was like, I could see you looking, you're with air. You saw it. It's like bombing on a cruise ship. That's what's great about bombing in a ski town, you fucking mask up, no one recognizes you the next day.

Nah, it's insane. I enjoyed all that mountain living. I enjoyed, you know, Bremerton is in Seattle. It's a ferry ride. It's the deepest point on the earth. That's why all the submarines are there. Because they drop from there and go. Where?

Bremerton, Washington. Whoa, so they could do all their tests and stuff? All that stuff, you know, going to Boulder and going to a Naropa Institute, a Buddhist Institute, and seeing a fucking talk by that Ginsburg 30 years ago. I did all that shit, guys. I'm a fucking hippie at heart. I just couldn't stop taking showers and follow the dead. I'm a hippie.

I like all that shit. I'm very religious, but I've never shut myself down to other religions. And I wanna hear what you got to offer. You know, I wanna hear what you got to offer. Not that I'm gonna switch governments, but I wanna know about your fucking religion. I'm one of those guys.

I really, really wanna know about your religion. You know, people hear me say terrorist and hummus. You have no idea. In college for two years, my tutor was Mohammed Zabid. And we were best fucking friends. And he made me eat some of that food, and I told him it tastes like ass, and he would giggle. And I'd make him eat Chinese food,

and he'd tell me like, fuck you, to say Chinese, you gotta go to where I'm from to get real Chinese. It was interesting as shit, our relationships. It's just, that's what traveling is about. Yeah. It's really about your relationships on that travel. What do you mean, like who you're with?

Who you're with and where you're going because every place has a different energy, okay? You gotta mix with that energy. You're not gonna like every place that you go to. I know that in all your travels, it's like this place, no. Facts, I get it, it's not my thing. It's not your fucking cup of tea.

I see why you would like it, I don't like it. And guess what, it's okay. Yeah, it's all right, exactly, just go to the next spot. It's okay. Everybody finds peace wherever they fucking find it. Yeah, yeah. All right, let's see. One question I ask everybody. Well, you got any travel tips, general travel tips?

I have fun. As comics, I've been turned off to travel. As a comedian, I've been turned off to travel from something that used to be fun. America used to get on a plane with a suit on and after the plane took off, I'd go over to A14 and talk to Ari and Ari could send over a drink to a girl in row eight. I picked up a chick one time on a fucking plane to Denver.

Yeah, it was fun. You know, we don't have fun anymore. We would travel and I'm guilty of that myself. I look at traveling as a fucking chore now because we did it as comedians. This fucking nut, R.E., took his travel to a different dynamic. He started going overseas,

and I could see the change immediately. And yeah, when you leave, I miss you, and I worry about you, but I sick and tired of calling you 11, and you're always sleeping, and you're a pink-thin at four, and you're at that stupid Mel's till six, eating with these fucking guys. You do not belong here. You're a New York guy. You don't care about the mornings,

but you'll stay out till six. You're a New York guy. You're a New York guy. You're a New York guy. You're a New York guy. You don't care about the mornings, but you'll stay out till six. Mitch Hedberg, I beat him up till he moved. Dude, I was out till six last night.

I said I woke up to go to the bathroom, but I was just going to sleep. Yeah, no. New York City. With the sun up, it's just like, where else are you gonna get that? Next summer, I am subletting an apartment in New York City.

Yes, buddy. Why? I love it. Because I wanna show my daughter the culture. Yeah, show her New York. All these stupid fucking camps I send her to are just a waste of her fucking time. Show her how to read the subway map. This summer, every Wednesday for six weeks,

I took her someplace different. And the best times we had was when we went up north. I could see, and I milked it slowly. I took it to Newark, we got hot dogs. Then I took it to my hometown. Slow entry. I slowly, I showed her what Newark was like. This is the other side.

This is the city now. And she even looked at me and said, Dad, it's interesting here. Yeah, it's interesting. These people are fighting for their fucking lives. We live in a white utopia. And then I took her to Union City, where all the Cubans are at, and she fucking loved it.

She's like, that is so cool. Look at all these, I took her to the butcher, I took her to a jewelry store. And then I took her to New York City. And that was, I could see her face. I could see she was excited as I was, I could see her face. I could see she was excited as I was. I'm 61 years old and I lived on the Upper West Side. And not to harp on it, my dream before travel,

before anything is to live in the Upper West Side. Not give a fuck. 200 million buddy, you got 200 million. And what? And not give a fuck. Gated thing. Just upper West side, nice place. I wanna walk down.

Well you got 200 million. So you're now at 45 more million. I don't have to want a million. Me, Joe Diaz, Ari Shafir. My dream as a young man was to live like General London for a summer. Wake up in the morning, go get a freshly squeezed orange juice and a daily news, not look at

what it costs, and take a walk in Central Park. That would be so sick. May to October. And then fucking walk around somewhere and get an expensive breakfast and not give a fuck. And then from there, smoke a joint and go to the Museum of Natural History. Because everybody knows I could do that four days a week. Okay, I could go to all those museums,

I'll stop at St. Patrick's and say a prayer. After last weekend, and guess what guys, my trip to New York was not enjoyable. I crashed in my car, I got a ticket for speeding from a camera, I got pulled off running a red light. But here's the beauty of it, when I got pulled off running a red light. But here's the beauty of it. When I got pulled off running a red light, I told the cop the truth, that I was new to the area

and I hadn't lived in New York City for 40 years and it's all changed. There's one point where the Broadway goes this way, Columbus. And he goes, I understand. And I go, I'm not trying to be a racist. Now I'm like on 89th Street, right? And he's Chinese, the cop.

He's like, chow or something. Nice guy, great guy. And I look at him and I go, can you tell me where the fucking Cari Dita is? The Caridad, the restaurant? He got all excited. Oh yeah, I show you. 72 between Broadway, Columbus. Right next to where Stand New York was now New York Comedy Club. Now it's

somewhere different. It's gone. No they reopened. They did? Yeah I just went with my daughter. Phenomenal. It was so fucking good. Phenomenal. When you had spots an hour and a half apart at old Stand Up New York you would just go you would once you talk about the Chinese Cuban. Fucking tremendous. So fucking good. It's on the corner of, Great Papaya's on the corner. Yeah. Don't avoid that. And in the middle of the block, listen, if you come to visit New York, you might get

stabbed on the subway, you might as well eat a Great Papaya. I mean, yeah, get one. On your last day, you're gonna have diarrhea. Terrible. I've gotten it. Terrible, terrible. But in the middle is Harlem Fried Chicken. Okay.

I drove up and down, I showed them my old school PS 166. I showed them the PAL where I learned how to smoke cigarettes and fucking shoot a gun, you know. I showed them where I lived on Riverside Drive on 89th Street, and it brought back so many memories. And that's my ultimate dream. Yeah. Is to be able to live in New York City.

Bro, having a little bit of money, it's so much better. I went to Village Vanguard on Saturday and I was like, they were like $40, I was like, okay. And it wasn't like, oh shit, hold on, I gotta talk about this. It was just like, sure, yeah, 240s, absolutely. And then like, and there'll be a drink minimum, so I'm like, yeah, obviously I'm gonna drink when I'm here.

And it's not like it's burying you. Anywhere you go, you're gonna spend money. Yeah. I went to Wildwood last weekend. Wildwood? My wife don't complain about dick. Wildwood, New Jersey. Oh, I love it.

It's, my daughter had a softball tournament. My wife doesn't complain, I don't complain. But my wife came back and she goes, you know the rides were $175 for a pass and it's cheaper, a great adventure. The kids had a great time. You don't look at that when the kids have a great time. Thank God we put away money.

What about the American family that goes down there? So if you're gonna travel, prepare to drop your fucking ass or suck dick or wash dishes. Because nothing is free. Nothing is free on these fucking, nothing no more. Everything you do takes fucking money, guys. And I'm not saying I have money, I'm just letting you know that we got problems out there.

Be prepared to be broker after you come back. Be prepared to be broker, but it's an experience that you'll never fucking. You kill the hostiles, then you come home with almost the same amount of money. Be prepared to be broke a butt. It's an experience that you'll never fuckin'. I can't buy a price. You kill the hostiles, then you come home with almost the same amount of money. Dude, I spent nothing.

But the amount of money I made in unemployment and not paying my rent, I think broke even for Ecuador. It was just like living on nothing. People have this thing that they wanna live on boats and be rich and jump up and down. Dog, and for what, to have 20 bodyguards? That's not life. Life is living on your own terms.

Mick Jagger goes to a town now and he walks around. Mick Jagger does? Yeah, you can be standing next to him at a bar, you don't even know it. Mick Jagger loves that shit. Traveling by himself and seeing the expression of people. Now, fuck Mick Jagger, we gotta go eat. I haven't eaten since nine this morning. loves that shit, traveling by himself and seeing the expression of people now. Fuck Mick Jagger, we gotta go eat.

I haven't eaten since nine this morning. I love you, thank you for having me on the podcast. I have no dates, I have nothing. Nobody gives a fuck, I got a book. Yeah, the book is great. I got a book on Amazon. This is the best read fucking book. I mean, it's in your voice. Oh yeah. Reading your stories.

Yeah, who's better than Uncle Joe? I didn't make a dime on that either. Because audible takes a dollar off every fucking thing. What is it, life for criminal? What is it? Life? I don't even know. Let's go eat.

I'm too hungry to even think. What are we going to do with the dog? We're going to leave it here. Let me have her piss and then we'll just leave it in here. Go ahead. Yeah, it should be good. Thank you for having me, guys. I love you.

That was the episode. Thank you very much, Joe Ideas, for coming in. That was fucking sick a ski bum How did I not know this about Joey Diaz? How did I know he used to ski? That's crazy If all the times I told him ski I broke my ankle broke my wrist Different times different years and Joe was always a guy who's got squids quit skiing. What are you doing? You're too old for this. He would say you're too old for this and never once did he mention Never once did he mention that he was a skier. Today's episode is produced by the YMH network, Your Mom's House Network. I took it to a

network of a friend of mine who has the most Nazi memorabilia of anyone I know. I said, you need to pay me reparations for what you've done. And he said, okay, how about I make you a bunch of money by putting you on my network? And I said, deal. He said, listen, you're too problematic to have you on main feed, so you need to start your own YouTube account. And I did. YouTube.com slash at you be trippin' pod or whatever, wherever you're watching. Hit subscribe, guys, so you get notified of new episodes. That's all. They're not going to spam you. Just going to tell you if you like this kind of a show When a new episode is out if you're listening on Spotify hit subscribe if you're watching on listening on Apple podcast hit subscribe

Wherever you are just do it right now Man a ski bomb that was fucking crazy those pictures are nuts of him thin In the outfit I didn't think that he's allergic to snow Let alone be a fucking high-level skier. Damn, Joey. Today's episode is produced by Your Moms House and edited by Alan Caffey. Guys, the You Be Trippin' pod, patreon.com slash You Be Trippin' is up and kickin'. It is fun. These postcards, what they do is I start reading them only send them from another place you know you get some from another place go to

the post office send it 151 first Avenue number 49 New York New York 1003 and send it to you be tripping pod over there and yeah I'm trying to get up on the patreon voice memos I got to do one of those so I can listen to your messages about travel and riff off that. Kinda a la Stavi, he gave me permission, so don't worry about it. But right now it's the fuckin' postcards, or it's just gonna be thinking and I look at a place

and I'm like, oh wow, the Czech Republic. I look at the Czech Republic, sometimes I look at the history, I just riff, talk about a place, go on Google Maps and look up like beautiful spots in those places. And it just gets me thinking. Anyway, the last one sent me on a whole long tangent to Namibia, where I was a few times ago.

Looked up all these crazy cool beaches in Namibia and the postcard wasn't even from Namibia, it just reminded me of a thing. Anyway, that's it. November 12th, Adrian Apollucci, The Dark Queen, produced by Ari Shaffir, directed by Louis CK, sound by Thomas Cassetta, edited by Daniel Cotter. This is my team, except for Louis and I'm glad to be on his team for once. That's it. I think I got nothing left to tell you. The Jew Vinyls have all shipped out. Joey Diaz got a copy when we recorded this. Is that cool? That's it everybody. If you have any suggestions, please leave a comment in the comment

section. It's a nice fun get-together of people sharing ideas. If you have anything about Cuba, let's say, or anything about your first trip to America, leave it in there. People talk in the comments. It's actually a very positive place for once. Um, that's it guys, I think that's all there is. Until next week, I'm Ari Shaffir, saying... uh, hasta luego! I should have done it last week, hasta luego. Oh, you gotta say this in Cuban, hasta luego. Bye everybody!