You Be Trippin' - Amsterdam w/ Kevin "KFC" Clancy | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: May 6, 2024

SPONSORS: -Try ZipRecruiter FOR FREE: https://ziprecruiter.com/TRIPPIN -Refine your style with CUTS Clothing and get 20% off with code TRIPPIN at https://cutsclothing.com/TRIPPIN -Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/trippin On this episode of You Be Trippin’, Kevin “KFC” Clancy takes a last minute trip with Bert Kreischer and explores Amsterdam’s Red Light District. There, they check out all the beautiful canals, amazing history, and wild banana shows that Anne Frank’s hometown is known for. He also smoked weed in the coffee shops, had some of the best pancakes of his life, and partied with a celebrity from Entourage who was catching dildos in a strip club. Other topics: Bikes, hookers, and rubber duckies. It’s a fun one. Geniet ervan! https://www.instagram.com/arishaffir https://www.instagram.com/youbetrippinpod https://store.ymhstudios.com You Be Trippin Ep. 13 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Where you been and where you going? This is Ari's Travel Show, yeah. We're gonna talk about travel today. It's UB Trippin', yeah. world's only podcast. Okay. So, uh, today, uh, we have KFC from KFC sports found it. I'm not even gonna make the KFC joke.

It's been up too many times. Um, it's a travel podcast and I've had a lot of like really world-class traveler comics on, but what I do want, which I'm interested in this one is that I try to get you on before and you're like, I haven't been fucking anywhere. Uh, anyway, I went, I went on a honeymoon to Italy and Greece. Great.

Okay. I have gone, when I was in like sixth grade, my uncle lived in London for a while, so we did like a pretty extended trip there. It was like several weeks. Yeah. But I was like 12, so you can't really. And then other than that,

it's just bouncing around like in America, LA, Miami, like, uh, you know, like the Bahamas,

shit like that. I am one of the least traveled people you'll ever meet. Yeah. But I like that because it's like the, the listeners are both like world-class,

like hostile people who stay gone for two years and also be like, I don't know. I've always wanted to go somewhere. Dude, when I, I have a map that I used to put up

when we were likeging, before podcasting and video, and it was just written blog, I had this go-to map that I would always put up, and I would X out every country. Every time there was a new story, like man eaten by a lion in Blubber. I'm not going there. And I would X them out. And within two years, I had the whole world fucking X'd out. I would just love to see a pushpin, whatever.

When I get in a studio, I'll have like a pushpin thing and just no pins. None. None. That's where I won't go. Zero. Yeah, not the biggest traveler, but finally got something in my passport. Nice. Okay, so where are we going today?

What's the story? We went to Amsterdam. Okay. On a whim. Fucking sweet. Yeah. On a whim where are we going today? What's the story? We went to Amsterdam. Okay. On a whim. Fucking sweet. Yeah. On a whim. Why'd you go?

Tell me why you went. So about nine months ago, we have Bert Kreischer on the show. I think it's Brad Kreischer, but go ahead. Actually, even better, the better description we heard when we were crossing through customs. They said, what are you here for? We said, Bert Kreischer. He didn't really know it. We started to explain Two Bears, One Cave, and he goes,

oh, oh, the fat one. So, yeah. So we're there for Bert. First of all, I mean, that's a double one because Tom is now not the fat one anymore. He's lost so much weight. So that statement

will hurt and compliment at the same time, which will make Tom laugh even more. What a great fucking... Even Bert's lost so much weight. So that statement will hurt and compliment at the same time. All at the same time. Which will make Tom laugh even more. What a great fucking- Even Burt's lost so much weight. When we look back at the clip nine months ago versus now, he's in better shape. But it's like the Jonah Hill effect. Once you're a fat guy, you're a fat guy. You're a fat guy.

He could look like you tomorrow and we'd call him fat. Burt has a secret that no one knows about, which is he'll gain massive amounts of weight and then talk about how much he's losing. But he's just never. And then being off camera, he gains it up and then goes, hey guys, I'm going to lose weight. And then everyone gets behind his fucking. Yeah.

But then it's like, wait, how are you still 285? And it's like, oh, because. It's a magician's trick. It's sleight of hand, but with your fatness. Yeah. But nine months ago, he's on the podcast. We're talking. I think it started with Chappelle where we were like,

how crazy was it when Chappelle was able to just say, fuck it, I'm gone. You know how many people can just, I would love to get Dave Chappelle on this podcast. Just about the Africa trip. What food you eat. Yeah.

Not like, why'd you go? I'm not concerned at all about that. We're just saying, just let me know what you were doing. But, uh, so in that conversation,

he was like, I'd love to just like pick up, go to Paris for the night. We're eating dinner in Paris and we're coming home. And then the conversation kind of develops and he's like, we're going to do this. And he said, within a year, I'm going to hit you guys one day. You have 24 hours to get on the plane and come. And he was like, you don't know. I'm not going to tell you where. I'm not going to tell you what I I'm not going to tell you what,

I'm going to say, he told us, get your passports ready, and then he said, Get your passports ready, because you can't do that late. And he said, Dude, I hate Bergkaiser,

but I love this. It was great. And honestly, I don't really hate Bergkaiser, but that is great. This could, what we just did, I think could be its own travel show,

like a real travel show, not a travel channel, not what he used to do. The real one where it's like, this is, could be its own travel show. Like a real travel show, not a travel channel. Not what he used to do. The real one where it's like, this is what happens when you really fucking travel. No, I would do that with Bert. Let's just go somewhere, and then we'll do this podcast about some other place.

But we'll do it in front of Machu Picchu. And then talk about Amsterdam. So he... Wow, he just kicked you. When we were talking on the podcast, he was like like What about Portugal And so that was Kind of on my mind And then he was like

No no no We're gonna go somewhere crazy So I was like This motherfucker's Gonna take us to like The Sahara desert Or something like that And I'm gonna go from

You know Never traveling To like the weirdest place In the world You look at Bernese He told us that Originally it was gonna be Morocco Oh god Dream place I know I think I would've had A good time there But last minute Burn easy. He told us that originally it was going to be Morocco. Oh, God.

Dream place. I know. I think I would have had a good time there. But last minute, something came up, and that didn't work. And then he was like, and I looked at his schedule. He was in Amsterdam for like a few days, knew he was going to have a couple off days. And so this was last Monday, whatever the day was. I just get a text from him Monday morning

like 11 a.m. clock starts now and he put out a video saying clock starts now you have 24 hours yeah it was a little more than that

because it was like he got your tickets yes so it was 745 p.m. the next night so a little more than 24 hours but he was the night before so he's like

start packing do your laundry start now that was the other thing too originally he was you gotta get laundry somebody's like don't have any underwear the original idea was now. That was the other thing, too. Originally, he was- You got to get laundry. Somebody's like, do not have any underwear. The original idea was just the clothes on your back.

I love that. It ended up being a couple more days. I like that. That could work because really, you can just get underwear. Absolutely. And you can get a pair of pants. You can get anything. I wear the same jeans.

Give me a hoodie. As long as I can change my underwear, I'm good to go. Everybody, or I'll ask for travel tips at the end of this, and you can give me one. But a lot of people like Paclite. That's a number one underwear tip. And the deal is like, what if I need like what if it's colder than i think they get a jacket there you'll have a memory attached to it sure yeah go ahead so um so we get the text now like it's me and feidelberg my podcast co-host john feidelberg he is 30 i don't know three uh

single no kids lives alone he can do it. He can go, right? For me, this actually kind of weighed over my head for a while because I was like, it's going to be awesome and I have to do it, but I got two kids, I've got an ex-wife, I've got responsibilities. I was like, I know this is going to come on a day where my kids are with me or they have a special event or something. This is the number one reason, this attitude,

of why I'm happy to not have kids. The ability to get up and move. Go. Me and Renazisi were doing Something's Burning

at Bert's old place, at his old house, and he was like, we were talking about just freedom. And he goes, Ari's more free. And Bert's like,

I'm as free as you. I just started laughing. He's like, what do you mean? Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, Renazisi's like, Ari can just flip the table over and be on a plane in six hours

and be gone even more than that it's the freedom to do nothing to do exactly that's what people like yeah listen I'm the perfect example of like when you're single and young you can just pick up and fly to Australia but I never did right I never did it right but what I did do

is constantly just do nothing for hours at a time. That's so great. And if I wanted to be hungover all day, if I wanted to wake up at four o'clock, if I wanted to watch, you know, I could do it all

or not do it all. And then you have kids and that shit goes right out the fucking window. And it's also a classic case of don't know what you got until it's gone or regret's always greener.

All of a sudden, I wanted to be like, I wish I could just, I wish I could just get a backpack and go. Even though it's like, no, I don't. But it's let's gone or grass is always greener. All of a sudden I wanted to be like, I wish I could just, I wish I could just get a backpack and go, even though it's like, no, I don't. But it's just because I can't anymore.

I can't. What do you mean? I'm still, I'm now at the plate with a dog. It's like, it's still a little too hard to do that. I've given up that level of freedom where I really, and I have bookings on the road now.

It was easier when I was, I have three bookings a year. When they say, um, a lot of people say having a dog is like having a kid. And they're so incredibly wrong, it's not even close. No, you're right. It's exactly like having a kid, and in fact, harder.

Well, here's the thing. But more rewarding. If you leave your dog alone for a couple days, it'll be okay. It'll be okay. This is why having a dog is better. This is why having a dog is better. Better, for sure. It's not harder. You leave your kid alone for a couple days, it'll be okay. It'll be okay. This is why having a dog is better. This is why having a dog is better. Oh, better for sure. It's not harder.

You leave your kid alone for a couple days, it dies. Well, it's harder to, okay, but it's harder to leave your dog alone for a couple days because they're so awesome.

Yes, I would love to leave my kids alone for weeks at a time. Goodbye. I don't want to talk to you. Okay, okay, let's get back though. So, yeah, so Bert calls you,

he's like, go. Yeah. God, I love this story. The only thing he said, I did not know this. Yeah, it's awesome. It's really like a once in a lifetime thing. I'll call him as soon as we're done with this. He said, you go. Yeah. God, I love this story. The only thing he said. I did not know this. Yeah, it's awesome. It's really like a once in a lifetime thing. I'll call him as soon as we're done with this.

He said, you have 24 hours. The only thing he told us was you need red clothes. Really? Or he said, bring something red. Now, we don't know what that's about. We're thinking, one of the guys we work with told us about something about, he went to a red dinner in Amsterdam and it was like one of these like eyes wide shut like sex parties I'm thinking like red uh it's uh like I didn't know red light district I'm like are we gonna be like on stage in the district I don't know what

we were what we were up against so me and Feidelberg said if we're gonna do this trip let's do it fucking big we go down to this place called abracadabra. Wait, wait, wait. What is that? It's like a half costume store, half movie props and shit. And so we went in and we were like, we need red suits and red clothes. So I end up getting a red

blazer and pants. Why? Feidelberg gets a red onesie, bell bottoms, button up, collared, long sleeve. It was like this wide red disco. It was awesome. I love it. Dude, he looked like a fucking rock star.

You got a picture of him? Yeah. Let me see that. That's so cool. It was one of the coolest fuck. And he's like a pretty fashionable dude. Feidelberg? Yeah.

No fucking. So like ripping a cig. That's awesome. R fashionable dude. Feidelberg? Yeah. No fucking. So like ripping his sag in these red bell bottoms. You look fat in yours. Yeah well I don't picture I don't photograph well. You're not as fat as this picture. Yeah I do not photograph well. Wow.

Dude he looks fucking cool. I'm happy you said that you looked at me and you were like no okay. I want to make sure. Yeah. No I'll either go vicious or ironic. You do not. If I'm talking. I want to make sure. Yeah. No, I'll call it. They go vicious or ironic. You do not. If I'm talking to live for it's vicious. Yeah. I was like, oh, that's not you.

You do. You just look fat. Yeah. No, I do not photograph or. How much was that outfit? Uh, I don't know what his was. Mine was like cheap as shit. It was like, I don't know, fucking like a hundred bucks or whatever.

Wow. Um, but the, um, it turns out all, it turns out all Bert wanted to do was celebrate Chinese New Year, which is you have to wear red. So he's wearing a red hoodie and red sweatpants and we're wearing a suit and fucking bell bottoms. But it was actually, I actually liked it better because it was like, it made it special. Heads were turning. People were like, what the fuck are these guys?

Dude, underrated is to go all out on a fucking outfit. All out. It's underrated. You'll never really regret it. People were like, damn, that looks good.

If you're traveling and shit, black people compliment you. They do it all the time. But they also do it all the time. They have the style and they are always doing it and they always are cool. Who?

Black people. Black people, right. And we just wear like, you know, the same like hoodie and jeans every fucking day. We've been wearing this for eight days.

Every time. And I think if you do it for when you're traveling, like make it special. But honestly, also like you go out for like a regular night, fucking throw on a stupid hat.

Throw on a hat. Throw on a fucking crazy jacket. Whatever. It will make it that much more memorable. Okay, let's get back to Amstrad. So.

Hi. I'm your newest employee. I show up with socks in my hands and underwear. Why? I don't know. Why did you hire me is the better question. And I know why you hired me. Because you waited until all the good candidates were gone.

You were a loser. You were an idiot. You were on your phone checking the NBA scores. And you waited until all the good candidates were gone. You should have used ZipRecruiter. You dumb motherfucker. You dumb fucking piece of shit motherfucker. Now the whole company is in fucking jeopardy. Because you didn't use ZipRecruiter. You dumb motherfucker! You dumb fucking piece of shit motherfucker! Now the whole company's in fucking jeopardy.

Because you didn't use ZipRecruiter. You piece of shit! We're trying to start a fucking thing here, man. We ain't got one fucking job. Find the right goddamn employee. And instead you found a guy who comes in in underwear and puts socks on his hands. Oh, he's late for the party.

But how's your job? Probably not that good. Probably not that good. Unless he's a coder. If he's a coder, sure. If he's a cod he's a coder sure coders are weird but everyone else this is the wrong guy for the job and you didn't use zip recruiter did you you dumb motherfucker you put us all in jeopardy we're trying to get stock options here bro we're trying to get stock options and you're hiring some fucking dude with socks on his hand shows up in his underwear for a job?

Fucking dumb fuck. Now we're looking for a new HR person. How's that? Guess where I'm gonna get it? Goddamn ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter's powerful matching technology identifies the right candidate for you. This ain't it. How do you wipe like this?

Oh, no. He's gonna wipe with the socks. Then he's gonna show back up at the job, and he's like, hey, I think sock guy just fucking wiped his ass with his socks, and now he's got shit socks at the office. Why didn't you use ZipRecruiter? God, you're so fucking annoying. One job is to get the right person for the job. I just touched my hand with the fucking shit sock. Amp up your hiring performance with ZipRecruiter and find the best candidate right now.

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get a good candidate. Not the sock-in-the-hand guy who wipes his ass with a sock in the hand and then comes back into the office and has shit socks all over his hand and everyone has to do their job while shit sock guy is there. Now let's get back to the episode. Hey, episode of you be tripping is brought to you by cutsclothing.com it's laundry day here at the shafir house and i could wear something else but nothing is as breathable as cuts clothing yeah it's wrinkle-free sure and they have sweatpants

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It's in Japan. Anyway, they had to send in older people to go in there because it was so rank with fucking radiation that they were going to die. They were going to die. And they went in there anyway. They devoted their time, their lives, to save not only the people of Japan,

but the people of the whole world. Those brave men and women saved us all. They went in to a cloud of radiation, unable to breathe, knowing they would never come out. Yeah. Fukushima? Something like that. Anyway, the way they went in, that's how I feel without cuts clothing on. Unbreathable.

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them up on the 20% off order at cutsclothing.com right now by using the promo code trippin. I mean, if you want the money, sure, but if you care about a small business, you won't take that order. But I, just between us, go ahead and take that 20%. CutsClothing.com, promo code Trippin. Hi, guys, I'm interrupting here for a second to tell you that I'm a stand-up comedian, and I'll be performing in the following places. All tickets are available at arieshafeer.com.

I'll be in Los Angeles doing my storytelling show May 9th and 10th at the Comedy Tour. May 10th is sold out. May 9th is still going on. And then I'm going to Australia, everybody. Starting with Melbourne, May 16th and 17th. May 17th is, no, May 18th is already sold out. May 17th was added.

Adelaide, May 24th. Canberra, May 25th. Brisbane, May 31st. And Sydney, June 1st. And that's it. Get tickets at ryshafier.com. Also, my guest, KFC, has his own, Kevin Clancy, has his own podcast called KFC Radio. He does every week, maybe more.

Get it wherever you listen to podcasts. That's it, everybody. Let's get back to the episode. Don't forget to hit subscribe wherever you're watching or listening today. I'm Ari Shafir, and I do stand-up comedy. We end up, so we go, we hit a 7.45 p.m. flight overnight.

We land at 9 a.m. local time. Perfect. They, I was like, I don't know, maybe they're going to be sleeping, working out, getting ready for lunch, whatever. You can't expect Bert to be up at 9 a.m. Bro, we were at the bar by 10.15. I literally, my room.

I thought you were going to say we're at the fucking Van Gogh Museum. Nope. My room wasn't even ready. I had to leave my bag with the concierge. We were at the bar, joint in hand, beer in hand by like 10.15. Bert got you just like, here, here, let's go. For whatever reason, there was like seven of us, eight of us. We had three different joints going.

It was like so unnecessary. Yeah. And I mean, back in my day, I partied, I drank, I did it all. Yeah. I've been, I hung them up, you know, I've pretty much retired for a while now. Yeah. So I'm going to Amsterdam with, and Feidelberg's a booze bag and I'm going with The Machine.

Yeah. And the whole time I was like, I'm like a little bit nervous about this. Literally, Norman opened for him three years ago in Europe and he goes, hey, how do I keep up with him? Right.

And I had to tell him like, sit near a plant that you can throw half glasses of drink into. Yep, yep. And then just realize you will not keep up with him so don't try. So I actually was able,

there was two reasons I was able to do it. Number one, I think I underestimate my underage drinking days. Westchester, New York, early 2000s, I think was a drinking culture that is unlike anywhere else in the fucking world. I was like 15 years old in a bar.

You don't have to go long term on this. It's a short spurt. And I just needed to dig deep one more time and fucking throw the fastball. Do you remember that, I think, was it Damn Yankees? Some play where the guy makes a deal or a book or makes a deal with the devil to be a great baseball player. And the deal gets revoked as he's rounding third

in the World Series. And then suddenly he turns into a fat whatever and it's just him. But him, he's fucking, but he's rounding third in the World Series and then suddenly turns into a fat whatever and it's just him. But he's fucking it. But he's legging it out because he would have been saved by a mile. But I was like, shit. Short spurt, you can do it. And so there was two things. One,

it was just smoking weed and drinking beers. When the shots start flowing is when I get in trouble. And there wasn't that. Two, Amsterdam, and I don't know if this is common in other places, but they offer small, medium, large beers almost everywhere. So I was able to go like round for round and just get medium beers, which was a pint, by the way.

It was like a regular beer versus a fucking like bucket of a handle. Yeah. And so I was like, this is great for me. And then I would just like smoke a little weed. But we, I mean, we were, we went nonstop. It went from, from like coffee shop to Chinese food restaurant to another coffee shop to a red light district. Woke up in the morning, did it again.

Went to Bert show, went, went back home. You opened a show? No, no, we, we just went. He had all, he had a Maddie Smith was there. Shane Torres was there. Mark Smalls were there. They were they were, you know, doing the show. We were just like along for the ride.

Wait, let's describe the red light district. So what do you think of it? We stayed in a hotel that was fucking beautiful. Bert put us up in a great spot. And it was like, I don't know any of the streets or the areas, but it was you walk out and you go this way and you are in like beautiful museums and restaurants. And then one block this way was the red light district. That's unbelievable to me that it's just like they kind of keep it separate. Yeah.

And it all stays pretty like in its own little area. You know, you know, what's cool about Europe is that they're not embarrassed by their little areas of like fucked up shit. Yeah. It's just part of their city. And I think they very much they take like open container and public

urination all that shit very seriously right so they're like we're gonna let you do all this shit but don't fuck it up don't make it a mess don't trash adult about it right fuck your

hookers and keep it clean you know like let's let's be adults about it yeah John yeah in Denmark is the same way they're like it's cool school field trips to where

they sell weed legal you know it's like oh it's just like, this is part of our city. Right. Let's just be real about it. The red light district here back then, you know, 42nd or whatever, was like,

stay the fuck away. Right, dangerous, fucking violent. Yeah. This is just like, here's where you do your dirt. I had never, you know,

again, not a traveler, so I had never done any of that sort of shit. Describe it. So, I don't think i under quite understood the idea like of walking down like a little alleyway and there are just chicks in like phone booths it's that's that's fucking wild it's like the zoo they are just standing

it's like a barbie in a fucking box and you can just be like, you, I'll pay and fuck you. And that is crazy to me. So I actually do that. How many did you fuck? No, we did more like the- More than 10 or less than 10. We did like the- I'll make sure your wife doesn't see this.

I like the interactive shit. Like we did like a fucking, a bunch of guys sit down. We went to the banana bar, which is known for this banana trick that these girls do. So we sat down. I think we paid 400 bucks. And you get like an hour's worth of several girls. It's almost like a three act or four act play. So the first one comes and she's like,

you can rub my tits. I find this to be very weird the whole table sitting there so it's it's more of like a bachelor party thing general or weird there's too many dudes around I think it's very strange she she was gross by the way fucking disgusting huge fat sloppy tits weird scars god bless her she's trying to make a living but I was like I wouldn't even look your way let alone do I want to do this She gets out some lotion And she's like Go ahead

Rub my tits Now I'm like I'm gonna do whatever For this show here Do they need rubbing? But I'm like You know what was very embarrassing Feidelberg

She was like Like you're doing it wrong She was like stop it He went under the tit And she wanted more I couldn't believe this Ari I almost passed out She pulled this reference out The year of our lord 2023 In Amsterdam He went under the tip. And she wanted more. I couldn't believe this, Ari. I almost passed out.

She pulled this reference out. The year of our Lord, 2023, in Amsterdam. She said, have you ever seen Karate Kid? She wanted wax on, wax off. I couldn't believe it. This is the banana bar? Is that a strip club? It's more of like a club, like a loungy club. Gentleman's club.

But they're stripping. It's not like there's a pole and a stage. It's more like the, we were at like a little horseshoe shaped bar and they get up on the bar. So she wants everyone to rubber tits and it kind of goes around the table and then comes back around, uh, when you can rub her ass and all of them,

every single girl in the club, but plug in at all times, walking around, bending over, hanging out talking, plugged up the whole time. Why? I'm assuming to use it later and be- What were they concerned with?

I think it's just to keep the space, keep it ready. So there's some tit rubbing. And then the second part was like another girl comes and they- Oh, no, the second part was she said, give me a name. I'm going to write a postcard. And she takes out a marker, puts it in her pussy. And she says, give me a name.

So we said, our coworker of ours, Glenny Balls. And I thought she was going to write Glenny Balls on a postcard with her pussy. She starts to work at it. And I'm looking at her face she's like what do you mean like leaned over so she put a brick on the fucking bar and then put a postcard on top of the brick and then kind of did this like one knee thing like this puts the marker in and then i'm watching her her face is kind of like like you know when you're doing a math problem and you're like really working on on it. And she's moving around.

She's moving like one of those 3d printers, like up, down, up, left, right, back, forth,

back, forth. And when she was done, you ever see those Instagram videos where someone paints and then they flip it upside down. It's like an elephant. It was like that. She like spins it around. And again,

I thought it was just going to say like, Glennie. Yeah. It was like, dear Glenn like spins it around. And again, I thought it was just going to say like Glenny. Yeah. It was like, dear Glenny Balls, welcome to Africa. Love, pussy. And it was written like in calligraphy with hearts and all this shit. I was like, I'm not turned on. I think you're gross.

It's impressive. But this is impressive. This is phenomenal work. It's the same thing you do in Thailand. The writing on Papong. What's that? On Papong Street, I guess. It's just like this sector.

They go like this. They fucking put a marker in their pussy. And they just kind of move around. And they write something. Not that nice, though. I think Bert actually still has it. I want to get a picture of it. It was like beautiful penmanship.

It was fucking unbelievable. Wow. So that's round two.. It was fucking unbelievable. Wow. So that's round two. Round three is finally the banana bar. This is where the namesake comes from. Two chicks start

like kind of making out. She takes a banana out, puts a condom on the banana like a good hooker does with her mouth, you know. You don't want to get a banana disease. You know how the professionals do.

So she puts it in and then they peel the banana and they ask guys to eat the banana. No. I'll tell you my biggest problem. I was like, I don't like banana. I just don't want to eat. I hate bananas. That was not your biggest problem. I hate the banana

more than what the banana is inside of. Wait, did they make you eat it? Yeah. I mean, of course. I'm not going to be like, I can't eat it. Wait, wait, wait, wait. They peel it. Excuse me.

So the banana's in- Please reiterate. And then the part that's sticking out gets peeled. So you're just kind of biting it. Imagine if I was holding her- But you're getting right near their pussy. Yeah, that's all. You're not getting inside of it or anything.

It's not like you eat anything that's been inside of her. It's just what's holding it. I mean, technically, right. It has not been inside of her. Right. It still feels pretty gross. Oh that's been inside of her. It's just what's holding it. It has not been inside of her. It still feels pretty gross. Oh, yeah. So then they say, who's getting spanked?

Shouldn't Red Light District turn on instead of a disgusting? So this is more of a shock value thing. And at this point, I'll be honest. I'd rather do something like shock value than sexual. Yeah. Like, you got to be pretty fucking desperate and, like, not get much sexual attention to be like, I want to rub your tits. Like, yeah, you know? So this is more of like, this is wild, right?

So she says, who's getting spanked? Now, remember this. Burt Kreischer had been there the night before he walks into the banana bar the the people go oh you are back how are you money around now this is this is a place that you probably go once your whole life burt goes there twice in two nights he got he i think he had gotten like the treatment like spanked the night before she she says who wants it he points right at Feidelberg man she beat the fuck out of this dude laid him stomach down pants down

took his belt out and it was not like a little like she went over her head one two it was straight out of roots man it was like Kunta Kinte shit and then it can't get any worse,

she's slapping him in the face. What? She's beating him, man, and he's just laughing, but I can tell he's also like, another one and I'm swinging back, you know? All of a sudden, she grabs her stiletto, takes off her high heel, and puts her stiletto right in his ass.

No, in his butthole? In his butt. The hole? In the hole. Not like six inches in, but he was like, it was in there. Rolls him over and sticks it in his mouth. He then gets off the table and he says to me, was that in my, he goes, was that in my ass?

And I go, I don't know, you fucking tell me, man. And he goes, no, no, no, the one that she put in my mouth, that was like a different one, fucking tell me man and he goes no no the one that he that she put in my mouth that was like a different one right and i was like you're like no no no i can't be sure if it was in your ass or not but if it was if anything was in your ass it was the one that was also in your mouth exactly that so that that was he got the the treatment there they also do this thing where um guys were holding a vibrator in their mouth, like with their teeth. And then they would like bounce on them, which is also like, I can't hold it. Like, I'm going to break a tooth doing that.

And then they, a lot of, if you do any of that shit, they also just drop it like on your face. It's just like hooker pussy too close to your face. Disgusting, man. I mean, almost regular pussy that's too close. Your average girl off the street it's like no thanks although you know it's kind of one of those things they're actually like the cleanest people you know right because they know they're about to present it and they have to like i mean at least i don't know about you know when you when it's like porn these girls are tested

regularly and that's what they say about tijuana whorehouses they're like oh they want if they any of them get herpes it's gonna kill business they just get them out of there immediately yeah they don't care about that they care about the business so i'd imagine but also i could also see in the red light district it's like yeah whatever girl i don't care uh and then the finale yeah was this chick she sat on her back throws her legs over her head she blasts away with this vibrator and then shoots it. Gives it a good one, two, three, four, five. And then the sixth one shoots out.

And certain guys were trying to catch it. You had to kind of catch a punt. It was a trip. And then they catch it. And I'm like, duh. Dude, I used to do this game where I'd play in high school. I'd put my hands behind my back. I'm like, guess which hand. And if they're like, right, I'm like, duh. Today's the day where I play in high school. I put my hands behind my back and I'm like,

guess which hand. And if they're like, right, I'm like, oh, nothing. And then I go next, you know,

guess which hand. And then they guess, you know, whatever, if it was in there. I'm like, yep. And I throw them something and they catch it.

It was just my retainer. And they're like, ah, but you catch it. Yeah. Why would you catch a fucking, yeah. Because you throw things

at people to catch it. Yeah. It was like a badge of honor to catch the dildo. Wow. You drop the dildo, you got bad hands. It was like a badge of honor to catch the dildo. You drop the dildo, you got bad hands. It's like a fumble. So, I mean, I'm rolling watching all this shit.

To me, it's like, it's not sexual. It's not like anybody's like, this is just preposterous. Hi, guys. When I started the UB Trippin' podcast, one of the last things I was thinking about was selling to customers directly through my website online. Yeah. Now, sure, I had a dream of finding used pegs and getting them into the hands of consumers, but I didn't know I could do that.

I thought I had to go to the park, Central Park or other, and do it door to door, hand to hand. But now there's a new way, Shopify. Yeah, a company used by over 10% of all e-commerce providers in America has showed me the way. They allowed me to find my used pegs and get them to my fans. Yeah, it's an underutilized market. Used pegs. So what happens is a lot of these people are pegged out. These guys experimented for a while and they're no longer into it. Pegs, you know what I'm talking about. Pegging, pegging for people named Peggy, pegging in the butt. And they were like, oh,

let's just throw these out. And I said, no, let's do something good for the environment. Let's do something good for the environment and reuse these pegs and get them into the hands of new people. New people that care, that care about pegging and don't mind a little preconceived notions, if you know what I'm talking about. Yeah, they want that stank. And I thought, how do we do it? And Shopify stepped in and said, Ari, we can help you. You can help me get pegs, use pegs into the hands of consumers? That's right, they could. They could, and they did. And if you go to arieshafeir.com right now, you can find yourself a nice used peg. We also have new pegs, but we prefer you not to use those. That's only for the non-adventurous. We call them a starter pack. What we do is we offer you one used peg and one free

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Shopify.com slash Trippin. All lowercase. See you in the peg scene. Now back to the episode. And then I guess the other thing you can do is watch people fuck we didn't they did that the night before and they weren't that into it so we didn't get a chance to do that my daughter went to that your daughter yeah um went to that in amsterdam and i was like i'm not going yeah i mean that um jessica michelle yeah she she went in there and she was like i

don't know how she could it was it was very clinical yeah that's i think it was also uh i heard like there's no music playing there's no it's not like the crowd is like yelling it was just like they were watching yeah and to me if i'm watching two people fuck that feels like i'm watching porn that means i'm like i'm gonna come yeah exactly this is come we're gonna heckle yeah i'm not gonna just sit there quietly and watch i'd rather do something where it's like this is absurd we're giving like the bachelor the treatment we're being ridiculous with him and laugh about it rather than the the regular strip club was the most aggressive i've ever been in in my life it was like man-to-man defense like we walked in with a few guys and

she was like i've got him you get him this was not the banana club this is this is the upstairs another no it was like the same place but like downstairs is where they do the show upstairs is like a traditional dancing spot but they are like we want lap dances in private for 90 we don't want to do this bullshit out here right and the guys again we're there to like party not like you know you know. So we're like, you know, in a strip club when you give the old like, maybe later. Yeah. I got to get settled just to get them away. They did not take that for an answer. They were not about that.

They were either like you pay us or we're going to get some guys in here who will. Oh, right. So we quickly left after that because it's like Bert had a great moment. Bert ever being the like party starter yeah he and he's trying to make it into a game he says i want you to the stripper to the stripper i want you to pick one guy here that you want to give a lap dance to and i will pay for it and he's holding a wad of cash and he goes you pick and she goes you to burt the guy with the fucking money who's clearly excited about right smart so yeah they are very smart they are very savvy

they know what they're doing uh burt was desperate to get somebody to to uh pay for a lady of the night yeah uh he was like i'll pay for it you go it. I just want to hear back. I want to report. But everybody kind of kept it above board in that regard. Oh, really? I don't think, I mean, listen, some of them were ladies I would just never really look at. Not my type. Some of them who were, all good. But I don't really, I'm not.

You wouldn't have gone for it. And also, I just don't have sex with a condom. Oh, yeah, you've been married too long no it does suck it sucks it sucks I mean you remember it

it sucks yeah it's just not so your options are fuck a hooker without a condom which is almost for sure gonna get you in trouble with your wife

I'm not married anymore but I'm just I'm not I'm not I just don't have sex with a condom fair fair

I usually maneuver around that and a hooker is not the type to That's who you got. That's not the one you want to play that game with. We had a friend in starting comedy and he would talk about going to Tijuana, which is like a way lower level of this. Yes. And he'd be like, I just pay him to go down on them. He goes, yeah.

He goes down on them? Even they look at me like, dude, you don't want to be. Are you sure? Okay, so that's the red light district. There's this other side of the city, though, that is like beautiful architecture. Yeah. 1630 or whatever it was like first founded. And the canals. I never, you know, I think of Venice and it's like the city.

Oh, the canals. Exactly. The canals were like, I didn't, I never. First of all, this is a region that I'm like, okay, so we're going to Amsterdam. And the people there are Dutch. Are we going to the Netherlands? Or is this Holland?

It's three things. Or is this Belgium? Everybody thinks Amsterdam is a country. Yeah, absolutely. Everybody is Holland. Yeah. I don't know any, I don't know where we are, what they speak, what, you know. Where do they speak?

Dutch or German? No, I guess so. But I'm just saying like, is the Netherlands kind of like the like the uk like it's a bunch of countries i don't know that's what i mean so i didn't know where we were i just found out what netherlands means what does it mean lowlands oh okay see i feel like if i had to guess like nether regions i would say that low regions right that makes sense because it's also like that's why it's all underwater they have those things yeah in the water out because it's so low under sea level. Interesting.

Fun fact. My buddy almost fell in the canal, which would have been amazing. Oh, that would have been great. Could you imagine if my buddy was just floundering in the canal? It's pretty. It's very, and an alarming amount of bikes. To the point that people said that, and I was like, listen, New York City has some fucking bike lanes that are always zipping.

It's not even close. There are bikes and they're flying every fucking which way. Yeah. I've never been uncomfortable crossing the street. I'm like, we jaywalk. I almost get hit by a bus every day. This was like, I had to put my phone away and make sure. I'm like, okay, where's the bikes?

Did you bike at all? No. No. It's in that whole area. I did it in Copenhagen. And it was like, if you're in the wrong lane like you pull up like you know

when you start in a bike it's wobbly for the first two pedals and then you get going that wow like what the fuck get the fuck out of the way. Dude there was

it was about it's like the same as if you're driving like this and you start up in a light. There was I guess like

a bike lane a sidewalk and a street that were all the size of like one sidewalk. Right. Like the cars the people people, and the bikes are all supposed to fit there.

I'm like, ah, this doesn't make any fucking sense. We went to the Anne Frank house. I've been there. Now, I'm an idiot, I guess. All my life growing up. Did you not know it was related to the Holocaust? No. How much of an idiot were you?

What's the Holocaust? That was when we landed. The taxi driver taking us to our hotel was giving us the lay of the land and then out of nowhere goes

oh the holocaust they are the youth they don't believe it happened anymore they're not teaching it in the schools anymore

I was like what I feel like in Amsterdam you should know about the holocaust you should know a little more yeah but I guess the kids there

think it's I think it's a hoax. It's a drag, like birds. Yeah, birds aren't real. Birds aren't real. That's maybe my all-time favorite. It's the best. So the Anne Frank House, all my life growing up,

I thought was going to be like a cottage in the sound of music, like hills. Interesting. I did not realize. I never pictured it in a city. So I was thinking it was like a suburban house okay and then i hear it's in amsterdam in the city so i'm like okay and then i go to it i didn't go inside of it so to be fair i didn't get the full experience you did not go inside no we actually the only reason i was going you just want to see anne frank's doorstep i wanted the pancakes and i was told that the best pancakes are the next door to the anne House, which also feels weird.

Hold on. I said I love those pancakes. Yeah, let's talk about the pancakes. Wait, wait, wait, wait, because my favorite grilled cheese of all time is, I'm opening up Google Maps so I can see exactly what this is, is right under the Anne Frank House. Is it in the coffee house, basically? So tell me if I'm wrong, because it's been a few years. The canal's right here. I have a picture of it on my because it's been a few years. The canal's right here. I have a picture of it on my phone.

I took a picture. Okay, canal's right here, right? This is canal. Yep. Anne Frank House. But the entrance to the Anne Frank House is like, oh, shit, is like up some, like right there. And then the coffee shop is like right where this pin is, and it's down a few steps.

As I understood it, it was like there was a coffee shop. Is it Pancakes Amsterdam? West Market? Yes, that's where I was trying to go. I didn't end up going because it was closed. But they told me to go to Pancakes Amsterdam, which is literally right next to it. This might be where the grilled cheese is too. Right next to it.

It might not. The glass right here is a coffee shop. Oh, no, no. It's not that. I mean the front. Yeah, yeah. But this right here, this looks like a new apartment complex in Jersey City. Yeah, it does look nice.

I could not believe. It does look nice. I was like, Anne Frank's got a fucking balcony. Anne Frank, her apartment would cost like $4,300 a month if it was in New York City. That, yes.

That dude, I had a bit about that in my special. I couldn't believe it. She lives so nice. She lives so nice that if it was like, if it was like, where is Ari here? Yeah, it's like you live right on the water. It's beautiful. Dude, you should go in there.

So much more room than I've ever had. Anybody who's ever lived in New York has lived more rough than fucking Anne Frank in a break. Yeah. I could not believe, though. Also, the noise complaints would be an issue, but that's about it. Yeah, probably. Frank, give me a break. Yeah.

I could not believe, though. Also, the noise complaints would be an issue, but that's about it. Yeah, probably. The glass coffee store front underneath it is not considered disrespectful? You know what? You're absolutely right. They should have made that more somber.

Yes. They should have left it as is. Yes. Kind of run down. Keep it up so it doesn't fall, but keep the rundown vibe. Keep it real. So you feel like this is what it was.

I expected to have some like gravitas like like a moment where i was like wow it is the most sanitary and what was crazy was when i said i said i really love these pancakes i want the best one yeah and they go it's right next to the ann frank house it would be like if i said like where's the best burger in the city and they were like hit the 9-11 memorial and then get the best burger you got in town. Fucking crazy. Anywhere else that would be like, this is so disrespectful. And the Anne Frank house is like,

get your pancakes here. It's crazy. I will be back in May and I'm going to make sure I know which is the right grilled cheese sandwich. My brother told me, he lives in Europe, and he goes, somebody went there and he said it was a terrible grilled cheese sandwich.

I'm hoping it didn't suffer from COVID. Maybe they just went to the wrong place. What so special about it it was like five different cheeses it was made with care it took like 25 minutes they really went after it and you're like this isn't amazing I'm gonna have grilled cheese for dinner tonight you should because you also you can do it yourself yes you can do it yourself amazing you know what I heard

recently people do mayonnaise on the bread instead of the butter you ever do that no but those people should kill themselves, right? Yeah. Butter, bread, butter,

cheese. Give me a fucking break. I could not believe how much the Anne Frank house disappointed. How this place sucks. Give me a fucking break. And how were the pancakes? Have you, do you have stroopwafels?

So what are those? It's like flat. It's got a little caramel on the inside. It looks like a, like a flat pancake. Like that. We had the little like silver dollar pancakes separate from the inside. It looks like a flat pancake, like that thick. We had the little silver dollar pancakes. Separate from the pancakes.

It's true. Okay. They come with tea or coffee. Because they had the big crepe pancakes. Yeah. But then they had the little ones. I saw a picture of it from your Instagram. I think they're more like sharing.

Bro. What? People said eat the French fries and eat the pancakes. They don't have French fries here? That's what I said. They have to do it demonstratively better. Not just, oh, this is where it came from. Who gives a shit? It's like going to the first Starbucks in Seattle.

I agree. Go to the 18th one and get the same cup of coffee. I agree. But the fries were good and the pancakes were fucking amazing. So I was kind of like, you know what? I sit corrected. They even said the mayonnaise. They were like, you got to dip the fries in the mayonnaise.

And I was like, I've had fries and mayonnaise. And it did. They were crispier, they were better, and the mayonnaise did taste like better. They care more. Yeah. I will tell you what's gonna upset you the more you travel. I think it's the FDA. I'm not sure. But the level of what they allow us

to serve ourselves here, it's so much lower than almost every other country. The eggs are all GMO. They're all yellow instead of orange. Everything's just worse. So when you eat junk food in Edinburgh, you will lose weight compared to what you eat here. Maybe I got to leave here.

Maybe that's the key. Those pancakes. Who'd you get pancakes with? My producer, Nick. Okay. Nick the Dick? Yeah, Nick the Dick. I got an order of 12 of them.

Yeah. I'm not kidding. I could have put down like 175 of them. Nutella. And those are the ones covered in Nutella. Yeah. And the whipped cream with some strawberries. You can get them with apple.

You can get them with. It was like they're puffy, like air puffy, but also. How big were they? What are we talking about? Like tiny. Tiny ones. But a lot of them. And I got like 12 of them.

But I could have had like four orders of that. I was a lot of them 12 of them but I could have had like four orders of that I was just shoveling them in my mouth you could have four orders not because that's the right amount it's because you've

never gotten them before and they were good and I yes and I just I got an extra stomach for those things I could put them down

it's fun when you're traveling and you're like oh I'm not gonna be back here let's pig the fuck out I will say that I didn't have a good meal

we went to a Chinese food place that was fine but I didn't get like and I didn't have a good meal. We went to a Chinese food place. That was fine. But I didn't get like, and I don't even know, some sort of strudel maybe or fucking schnitzel or whatever. I don't think I would be impressed with the pancakes. It's not known for cuisine, I don't think. You know what it is? I think it's white people.

What do you mean? I think Italian food's great. I think Spanish food has some flair to it, but if you're talking- Because those are brown whites. Yeah. There's some ethnic-ness to them. Schultz had a good joke about like,

you need suffering for good food. Probably. If everything's nice. Or no, what is it? How you mistreat your women is how good the food will be. How good the food is. Because it's like,

no one's ever like, let's get some Canadian food. It's like, they're 100% equal in that country. you're saying- Women are equal, so it's like, who likes Canadian? The Ireland blows that up.% equal in that country. Oh, you're saying... Women are equal, so it's like, who likes Canadian?

Ireland blows that up. The Irish blows that up. Good point. Terrible food, and they treat their women terrible. Yeah, you're right. Sorry, Schultz. I do think, though, if you think about the UK and these parts of Europe, I don't think anybody's like, you got to have the Belgian food.

You got to have the English food. It's like if you're in the UK, it's like try a good Thai place. Right. And that's, yeah. UK finally figured out our food sucks. Let's be the number one of getting everyone else. Like America. Absolutely.

But I feel like if you go to Italy, you want the Italian food. Spanish food, the tapas. You know, it's almost more anywhere that's like near water and like tropical and shit, right? I feel like if you're like landlocked in Europe, I guess France

might have good food. France is known for it, but also beaches on both sides. But even if they just throw fucking butter on everything, that's it. No, that's not it. They care about it.

You think so? But also, I was coming back from like Escargot and like Duck at like 11.30 at night in France and Paris and I'm walking home and I looked into some, you know know you can look in windows in New York when the ground floor

Yeah, and some guy eating on the floor with this plate on this bed, and I'm like it's not fine dining everywhere Caviar for the first time and I don't think that has anything to do with Amsterdam I just had never had it and Feidelberg was ordering it and I had it yeah, I don't know It's it's about I think it and I had it. Yeah. I don't get the hype. It's about, I think caviar is about scarcity. Yeah. But it didn't have much like flavor to me. You had to put salt on it.

Yeah. It's like this is just any other spread you can put on a cracker. Yeah. I'm going to try Bert and ask him. Can we try him real quick? Yeah, sure. Ask him how he felt about you guys. I was like happy that he seemed... Because I was like,

this dude parties with a lot of people. Maybe we're going to disappoint. It's crazy. He was like, this is one of the funniest... I would not have expected him to call you. I thought he said it and he planned to do it and then he was like, I forgot about it. But he followed through.

Because I really was like, I was like, is this going to happen? And then six months go by and I was like, he's busy, he's not going to do it. That's the best though. What do you forgot? I totally, it totally blindsided me. It was amazing.

Wow. I was like, I'm going. I'm doing it. Bert, leave a message. At the tone. It was a fat one. He told me he was like, it was one of the funniest the two funniest moments one of the like two of the funniest moments he ever had in his life was me watching feidelberg with me and then watching me with feidelberg like having both of us at that at that strip club to laugh at wow while all the

crazy shit was going on i think he just appreciated how much we were like you're getting into it yeah yeah dude when i asked him i asked because we did did Norman's bachelor party in Tampa, which is a Burt's central place. Oh yeah. And it was like, who should we invite? I'm like, invite Burt.

And they're like, he's too busy. I'm like, I know he's too busy. He'll be happy having been invited. Oh yeah. And then he turned it open.

I'm coming. And I'm going to change the fucking vibe. I was going to say. He goes, you're telling bachelor party at Tampa? He goes,

I'll cancel big gigs for this. He came down there with matching top and bottoms. This one, matching top and bottoms that we all went to a strip club bachelor party at Tampa he goes I'll cancel anything big gigs for this he'll you know throw his family in a dumpster for that matching top and bottoms this one matching top and bottoms that we all went to

a strip club with no way with no underwear so we could cover our fucking pants like gentlemen he did he changed out of his

sweatpants before the strip club like a gentleman okay we were not allowed in the casino because he was wearing sweatpants and I kept telling him

I was like you know he's the rich one. You're not going to let this guy in? As rich as he is, he still is trash. Still wearing a sweatpants? I love that. Yeah. At least Tom tries to buy nice clothes. Tries to pretend like he's not trash, at least.

Have you done Amsterdam? Yeah, a bunch of times. I'll be back in May. You seem to be pretty floored by the shit I was telling you. Had you not done any of that shit? I took a walk down. You just fucked the hookers. I took a walk down. I did not not done any of that shit? I took a walk down. You just fucked the hookers. I took a walk down.

I did not fuck any of the hookers. I took a walk down the red light district, like going through the alleys, and then seeing it slowly change from the quote unquote normal ones to darker and darker, the more outskirt alleys, until you get like trans, and then like not trying trans,

which is just like a dude. This guy just has a dick with a wig on. It's a hairy chested, big dude with a bikini. I don't think we, we must've not gone that deep in because the, you can explore a lot. We went through like two alleys and they were all,

did you feel at all when they were like knocking and say, come on in? No, it was very actually on their phone. They were like, they're on their phones. They were like looking like, yeah,

what are you out? What the fuck's the deal? And there was a couple that were like giving you. They were on their phones now. They were looking like, yeah, when are you out? What the fuck's the deal? And there was a couple that were giving you the eyes, and there were a couple that I was like, oh my God. Do you have a picture of you in front of them? No, I feel like the one thing I read was like, don't do that. It's tacky. And I was like, yeah, I'm not going to.

Last thing I need is something like pimp punching me in the face. In general, pictures with you in a scene, you and your friends who are over there in a scene. So if it's in front of the canals, don't just get a picture of the canal. Like, hey, Feidelberg, come in here. Sure. Take a picture of us. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

To time stamp it. But not in front of the zoo, you know. Yeah. What would you want to go back and do now? In Amsterdam specifically? I definitely would say like if somebody's going hey I'm going I've never been you just went what should I do like that you did or that you didn't do I mean I think if you're going to do the red light district like I find

it funnier like I said to do like the fun wild like circus shit than just like have sex with a hooker right that would be you know if you're going to do the red light, you should do it that way. I did not go to a banana bar. I, I feel like we, we took a canal, we took a boat, a canal boat to Bert's show. Cool. And that was awesome.

It was very, it's one of those, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, those little low boats that are like, low to the water, you know? Yeah. And it had like a little, little bar in it,

and like a little table. You could sit on the outside, if you wanted to, you could sit on the inside of it was too cold and We took like a very quiet Slow it was just like Just like an ounce we just yeah like very slowly drifted through the canal to the to the theater. That was awesome I if there's some sort of like sunset Canal boat to the to a restaurant on the water sort of thing i would i would want to do that i would want to see a little bit oh and i didn't see any van go

stuff i didn't realize that van go was like that was his spot that was his spot i i don't i didn't know he so he's like from amsterdam i guess so i did go to the van go museum and i remember it being cool yeah or nice like they have all his like. Oh, the ones you recognize. Yeah. They're all here. If you're seeing art, there's two things you're going to see. If you're walking along like the Met or the MoMA and go, oh, I like this one. Who made that? Okay, I won't remember the name, but cool, I looked.

Right. Or seeing paintings that you definitely recognize. Like Starry Night and shit like that. Starry Night, exactly. The guy with the apple on his head. You know the shit like, oh, it's that one. Yeah, that's the one. And then it is cool to say, I actually saw it live.

Yeah. Yeah. I went, I did go on that trip I talked about before when I was younger and went to England and I was like 12.

We went to the Louvre. We popped over to Paris and I, and I felt it was cool to see some of those things like real in the flesh. So I, I wish I had known about Van Gogh

because that seems cool and I bet that there's some sort of like architecture tour or like if it's not into it you're not into that every street though like I remember I came upon like a a courtyard almost that had like a huge

fucking church and like birds like flying around in like this little center area and like a roundabout and i was like oh this must be like the center of the city right and then i go like two more blocks and there was like another one of those and another one of those and another one of those and like i was every time i thought i had found like the time square of amsterdam if you will yeah i found like another one of those type of things so i felt like there's a lot of different squares, if you will.

Did you feel European? Could you feel Europe? Oh, yeah. Big time with that. That's the one thing. The cities, all of the townhouses are all one after another. They're all kind of leaning and falling because they're like 400 years old. They're all right along this canal on a cobblestone street

and it's like this is old time european small crunched city alleyways and i like a car cars and all that shit they don't redo them so you really are walking on the same same footsteps that everybody else does yeah depict in your head of like and frank getting let out of there or there's like during the occupation, or even way before that. It's like, for sure. You're like,

it's like takes you there. It's also like 16, whatever. I think it was like 1630. Yeah. That's fucking old, man. That's what?

What's 1630? Like, that was like a lot of the, I think when the city was founded, or like any, a lot of the buildings had like plaques saying the 1600s. That's fucking old. That's old.

And you're like, this is- Pre-America. Yeah, pre-America. They're like, it was there, but nobody went. New York was New Amsterdam at first, right? Oh, right. So you're thinking, I live in the city now, that this was like, we got to replicate the old one over here.

Yeah. There was some, and for as much as it's just like party and drugs and crazy shit, there definitely is like a, yeah. Sometimes I wonder if I was not there on vacation, like what would I do in a city? You know what I thought was museums are just like walking. What?

Everything felt like just restaurants and shops and bars. I was like, like if you worked in like a finance job, where do you fucking go? There was no like high rises, there was no, but not even like, I'm not looking for a skyscraper, I was just looking for like, everything looked like a little building

with like a little like tiny roof, and it's like, do you have offices here? All it seemed like was art shops and clothing shops and boutiques, and I was like, is there any like industry here? Is there any? It's almost like tourist town. Yeah. And maybe there's a whole section where... If the tourists go away, does this

operate? Maybe it's just like not Times Square. I guess. But that sounds like it was bigger than that. If you go down to Wall Street, these are where the banks are. These are where the investment firms are. Where is that in Amsterdam? It just looks like everyone's on bikes selling... I did go to that in Paris. They're like, oh, this is the place where just really just locals live.

There's not much. And I was like, oh, let me stay there for a few days. And I did. And I'm like, oh, this is incredibly boring. Because it's just like you go to work and you go home. There's very few coffee shops. There's very few anything to go to. Yeah, you want that experience.

Yeah. Also, rubber duckies. Unless you go to a small town. What? There was several rubber ducky stores. Yeah. And I'm saying like... What?

Shelves and rows of rubber duckies. Big, small, the yellow, classic rubber ducky. And I was like, are these actually like bowls that you can smoke out of? Is this some sort of other thing? I don't... They are rubber, rubber duckies that... I don't know.

I guess you just buy them. And there's multiple ones. Do you put them in the canals? Maybe. Maybe there's something with that. Dude, I love little things like this where you're like, I don't know what the connection is. And I meant to go in and ask. But I noticed a thing.

And what is, like, that's the thing. It was like, it's not like, got to go to the coffee shops, got to go to the red light. But it's like, there's little noticings. They're like, it's different than us. We don't have rubber ducky stores. And there was several of them that I was like. Really? And I wonder if that's actually considered very touristy.

Like, oh, you went to the fucking rubber duckies. Or if it's like their thing. Like the M&M's store? Yeah, yeah. But, I mean, there had to be like hundreds on the shelves. And I was like, are you guys like selling out of rubber duckies every moment that you need to have tons of them? are you guys like selling out of rubber duckies every moment that you need to have tons of them? And then I also have a ton of like candy and like pastry shops because everyone's like stoned and got the fucking munchies.

So you walk into these like, you know, they do do candy, right? You scoop them into the bags and you make your own candy bags and shit like that. That's also a touristy area. Ice cream shops are everywhere. And it's like not related to the country country but just like they have tons of ice cream shops in the tourist parts of town. People on vacation, they want ice cream. They just want their ice cream. What would you stay away from? In Amsterdam?

In Amsterdam. Old Amsterdam. Old New York. Even old New York was once New Amsterdam. I'm trying to think of something I didn't really like. You didn't go to Amfrank? I would stay away from Anne Frank. Anne Frank, sure. It's a downer.

It's not a vacation thing. No, truly, if you're telling me that there's also a wait to get in and all that, maybe it's awesome on the inside, but I can't imagine being like, that was worth the time. Yeah. Which is probably the worst thing you can say. I know, but it's a downer. Why?

Because it's just like some Jewish shit? My dad's a survivor yeah it's just like you can't not go right at least once i will not go again we're we're did you feel a way about it yeah it's sad you leave feeling sad yeah that's the other thing too is like i mean it's you know it's like an honor vacation life's not a fucking you know all like peachy keen and like you should experience those things but also it's like i don't know i'm here for a fucking 48 hours i don't really 48 hours i'm trying to do the holocaust you know yeah was your dad like really moved by by by the ant frank house i don't think he went oh i thought you said oh just because your dad is a survivor you obligated to go yeah um

but i'll tell you the second time i was there that was the first time the second time i went back to that grilled cheese to to get this grilled cheese. And again, it might have changed. I can't swear to this. You know how a lot of restaurants, you got worse during COVID. They slashed the fucking ingredients and whatever. So I've heard bad reports. But someone else said, it took like 30 minutes to get me a grilled cheese.

I'm like, oh, that meant they're making it. Right, they're trying. Yeah. So I got to go back. But I went, and I took too much time I was fucking fucked up on my phone like checking whatever

wasted an hour then I went there and it was closed and it was like I think it's just a brunch place and closed like three and I'm there down these steps

fucking going god damn it I've been looking forward to this grilled cheese for so long for like weeks I'm like I'm going back and I'm almost in tears

and then other people are also in tears but for a different reason and they're looking at me I'm like I'm going back and I'm almost in tears and then other people are also in tears but for a different reason and they're looking at me I'm like I know right I know grilled cheese I know man

I know they're taking it a little harder than me but only slightly everybody's got a fucking tissue for you because you're fucking grilled cheese

that's hilarious man what else would you avoid I maybe it's nothing I don't know no I mean yeah I you know I feel like doing What else would you avoid? Maybe it's nothing. I don't know. No, I mean, yeah. You know, I feel like doing the Red Light District,

like, I wouldn't do it solo. I feel like that would be weird. I feel like it's a place to go with friends and do the crazy sex stuff. That's a good tip. Because if you're going to go, like, solo, I think there are better places. That's the Van Gogh Museum. Yeah.

Go solo to that. Yeah. And then, I think there are better places. That's the Van Gogh Museum. Yeah. Go solo to that. Yeah. And then in general, there are probably better cities with better museums and architecture and stuff to see. But I don't know. I'm sure if I had more time to really explore the architecture, the certain parts of town, the canals, all of that, it can go toe-to-toe with any other European city. So I would go more of that, and I would probably avoid, you know,

like I think it's incredibly lame to fly like around the world to fuck a hooker. Right. Like why don't you just do that here, you know? I guess it's a little more accessible there, but I don't know. If you really want to do it, you can do it. Every city you go to, it's going to break down to this. You're going to go for the sights or you're going to go for the experience. The scene, yeah.

Yeah, the scene. So like Egypt, obviously, you're going go for the sites or you're gonna go for the experience scene yeah yeah the scene so like egypt obviously you're gonna see this the pyramids it's like that's crazy not to but if you're going to prague you might see a site or two but like oh i heard it's a good party scene here new york you don't have to see the empire state building for coming here right really sure if you want to cross it off your list but i don't go there you don't go there yeah it was so funny living in new york like York I've still never gone to the Statue of Liberty yeah me neither I never had gone up

to the Empire State Building my father eventually worked at the building so then I saw it but I never went as a tourist yeah but what do you want to do

there's tons of bars tons of restaurants walk the streets that's the shit that is go to a jazz bar walk the streets of the village

and fucking bounce in and out of bars and it seems like Amsterdam while it has the sights could also be like oh I want to hang out like oh yeah

but one of them is and you didn't talk about this at all like the coffee shops yeah so the coffee shops what I loved about that and I was told this going in I'm not I don't smoke a lot of weed

and the weed in America has gotten to the point where I take one hit and I'm like yeah and I was told that the weed over america has gone to the point where i take one hit and i'm like yeah and i was told that the weed over in amsterdam while it's all legal and everything they kind of stayed at that mid-level and i love that yeah because i was able to like pass a joint around and smoke it and get the feeling but not be like i need to go to fucking sleep right now yeah why is obliterated the state we're going into

even in a drug that wasn't legal before you know it's like i don't get obliterated i want to have a good time and like if you eat an edible i want to like eat the edible i don't have to like nibble the cough of the cookie i'm gonna have a whole brownie i want to fucking enjoy it what was that period of time when we couldn't get booze here prohibition prohibition yeah so imagine now you're overseas in france where there's no prohibition and like oh you can get alcohol here it's like sweet grab a bottle of Jack and just start chugging it

yeah right what are you doing dude that's not the way to do it man so yeah the coffee shop went to Bulldog which I think is like the very popular one

but I also think like the best one it's one of those examples of like it's not maybe the the hole in the wall but it's also like the best

I think it's franchised at this point all around the world oh really but um being able to get a beer and a joint is fucking awesome the ones i liked about the coffee shops where once i realized okay you can just get weed it's fine it's cool yeah um then it's like it became more like the bars of new york where like what's the playlist so like, this is a club club. This is a fucking country bar. This is a classic R&B. And it's like, oh, that's the vibe I'm looking for.

And so I found a coffee shop that was like mellow music, like Mazzy Star, kind of like just chill. And I sat there and I read and I'm like, oh, this is the environment I'm looking for. That I could do more of. So we were in a big group. So it was very like, let's get a round of beers. Let's light this joint up, pass it around. I around i could see get me one of these coffee shops get me some of these pancakes for breakfast smoke a joint read the paper and just be chill yeah i mean that that is probably what i would try to find a shop that doesn't play reggae yeah an obvious one

a little bit of that there was there was i did we have a moment, we were at a bar to close the night and they had been playing like techno music and pop music and it was a weird eclectic mix and then they played Bob Marley. Yeah. And then they played One Love and Everything's Gonna Be Alright

and it was like everybody, it was to end the night kind of, everybody was perfectly like buzzed. Yeah, in tune. And it was, that was a good moment. That was enjoyable. He is great. It's just like, It's cliche. It's a little too typical totally you know what else is interesting and this saved me

uh being being kind of coming out of retirement for partying and not really uh doing it as much i think weekends they go to like four in the morning weekdays it's like 1 30 oh really so i was like i had hit my limit and burt was peer pressuring me like a motherfucker to stay out and all of a sudden like you're in the worst cliche american bar semi-sonic closing time comes on and the lights come on and they're like you got to get out and i normally i it's like i hate that i It was like God was shining upon me to fucking let me go home that night. But the coffee shops were the perfect bar for my age now. I'm not dancing.

I don't want to buy a table at a club. But I do want to get a spot, eat some fries, drink a little, smoke a little, relax. Yeah. You just called. I just fucking missed him. Drink a little. Yeah. Smoke a little. Casual. Relax. Yeah. He just called. I just fucking missed him. Ah. Fuck. Feidelberg, we went to one of the places to buy mushrooms.

Yeah. And they have those like the truffle fresh. It's not the freeze dried. What? No. How did it fail? What are you, an idiot? It just failed.

You're not going to answer your fucking phone? I just did it. Come on. You conniving little Jew. You can't even open up a phone. Damn it. Oh, I want to get him on here because I want to hear. Hello?

Hey, there he is. Brad. What's up? I'm here with KFC. Vidalberg got drunk at football and couldn't come. Dude, this trip sounds so cool. It was awesome, Artie. It was really awesome.

I mean, you know how much I love trying to hate you publicly, but this was such a cool get on a plane right now. When I explained the whole, you know, how it all unfolded and how you gave us 24 hours, I could see in his face that he wanted to be like, fuck Bert. But he was like, this is awesome. This is incredible. You know, it's so funny. Ari, I texted you like a few months ago and I said, hey, would you be up to going to London for

a couple days? And you were like, no, I can't. I know. I was just telling them, I've lost my level of complete freedom. Wow. It's how I'm about to go on the road for six weeks, and I'm like, I can't do those last two days. I can't do it.

But it sucked. I felt bad. Going on the road for six weeks? How do you do it, Ari? That's so crazy. Meanwhile, Bert's been on the road for six years. No returns, six weeks? I mean, whatever.

How fucking fun was Amsterdam with these guys, Brad? It was a blast. Every top to bottom. Like, even the day before I celebrated Winston Churchill Day. So I had a full day of drinking the day before. And they woke me up at 9 a.m. And they're like, you need to work out. They're going to be here in 20 minutes.

And they rolled in cold beers right to the bulldog. We had a bulldog with cold beers joint. I mean, Ari, our night was so crazy. Casinos, Chinese food, dressed in red, gambling, a banana room, a celebrity appearance at the end of the fucking night. Random as fuck. Random as fuck? Random as fuck? A celebrity just comes out of nowhere and goes, I'll catch that dildo.

Who's the celebrity? The lead singer of Rammstein? Kevin Connolly from Entourage. E from Entourage. Really? Yep. What? How'd you leave that out, motherfucker?

I forgot. I forgot. It was wild. Out of nowhere, he just shows up at the Banana Room and he's like, we need someone to catch this flying dildo. And he's like, I'll catch this dildo. What? He catches it, fucking throws it in his shirt, and next thing you know, he's on a flight at 10 a.m.

We're partying until fucking 4 in the morning with him at a bar down in the red light district on the canal. It was unbelievable, dude. Wow. He rolled in and was like, I just wanted to say hi. I'm just going to have a beer. Next thing you know, he's catching a dildo and riding it out to like yeah i think he went straight to the airport dude you put on such a fucking party dude i was so he said he goes as soon as we got there

9 a.m and i was like i was thinking oh restaurant no we were at the bar before i even could put my my bags in my room i burt i was i was happy to like i wasn't sure you't sure how hard you guys go and how much fun you have. I was like, we really got to make sure we live up to the hype. It sounds like you had a good time with us. I was happy that we put on a good enough performance. We had a great time with you.

The picture you posted the next day of you passed out on the escalator in the moving sidewalk. You had us rolling. You've got to decide who am I going to invite. You invited these guys passed out on the escalator in the moving sidewalk. Yep, yep. Fucking had us rolling. Yeah, yeah. Because you've got to decide who am I going to invite. You invited these guys

right there, fucking, because they could have easily been like, no, I just want to walk around. Like, right there. No, it was, dude, we had, we had the,

my assistant from my movie was my tour, our tour guide. So she took us to all the beautiful places. They saw the city. They went around. They got the city. They went around. They got the views.

We went all over Amsterdam. And then we ended up, I mean, we ended up in the red light district. Naturally. I mean, honestly. You gotta see. Having these, like those moments that you have

when you go, the next morning when you wake up and you're hungover as fuck and you smile and you go, God, we had a good night. Yeah, we did. Yep, it was exactly what it was, man. It was so good. Four of them. when you wake up and you're hungover as fuck and you smile and you go god we had a good night yeah it was exactly what it was man it was so good more of them more of those moments in that trip in that night in that night just that night at the very end of the night i had four moments where i was like this can't get any crazier and then he rolls in i fucking, I'll catch that dill-eye.

Dude, you know those in the back of the fucking plane magazines where they go, the chick from The Office is a perfect two days in London or whatever. Mindy Kaling's, oh, that's also The Office. You know, it's great two days. But like the Burt Kreischer 48 hours in Amsterdam with Burt. That should be the selling point. It's like I got invited by the machine to come to Amsterdam to party. Here were my two days.

That is fucking bucket list shit right there. It really was. Yeah. Each one of those could be a great time. I got to give it up for Kevin. He was out. He tried to pull the Irish goodbye at one point on the first night and was like, and I was like, no, you don't bring the beer. He caught me.

He was like, we are drinking all the beer in Amsterdam I was like well yes sir understood I'm staying can't say no that's so great

when you see someone about to dip like what are you doing yep dude it was it was I mean eating bananas

out of pussies eating the same fucking dildos it was the fucking craziest time you could have it was and you know what Amsterdam was perfect because there were so many different fucking dildos. It was the fucking craziest time you could have. It really is.

And you know what? Antenna Day was perfect because there were so many different events in that day, including going to the saddest casino I've ever been

in my entire life. It was so bad. Me winning $1,800. What? It was just fucking off the bottom of my head. Well, we also forgot that we were partying

on like a Wednesday. So we walk into the casino and it was just, I've never felt a place that had worse vibes. It was like brown and sad and quiet. And they would let Bird in with his sweatpants. And we almost just said, fuck it. We're not going to go in at all.

But one of the rules of Chinese New Year is you have to gamble. You have to place a bet. So we powered through. I lost $1,000. I lost $1,000. I put $1,000 on red. Immediately, we lose. And Feidelberg starts puking from the mushrooms in the casino.

You lost $1,000 immediately? If I lost $1,000, I would have shot up a ballroom. It was like, it was just, the vibes were off. And then all of a sudden, Bert hit and he won. It was funny. He was going, you know what the worst part is I don't even feel anything I don't even get a rush from winning or losing I just feel nothing and then his bet hits and he goes oh I feel it I was lying I was lying to all you I feel it I feel it it was awesome it was the perfect it was the perfect

energy because the whole thing started on a lark. On like a genuine moment in a podcast where I was like, you guys will go if I call you. And they're like, yeah. And so then immediately I was like, we have to do this. And we planned it twice. We were originally going to take them to Morocco. And then that fell through because I had to do something with my parents or something. And then this one came in perfect.

It just fit in perfectly. We had three days off in Amsterdam. And I was like, and then they then and then this one came in it just fit in perfectly three days off in amsterdam and i was like and then they came to the show one of the i mean honestly one of the funny shows maddie smith came out we flew maddie out maddie was like murder maddie was like uh was like the cocaine sprinkled on the joint that woman is so much positive energy yep yep oh yeah she's like this is great your guys great. The show, top to bottom, Mark, Maddie, Shane, and you was unbelievable. Shane and Mark were there?

Shane Torres and Mark Smalls. Me, Maddie Smith. Mark Smalls was great. Mark had a bit too many mushrooms early in the day. Hold on, hold on. That's the best moment of the whole book. It really was.

Low-key overdoses on mushrooms in the middle of the day. Okay? And then he just disappears. And they're like, we lost him. We don't know where he is. So we walk out of the banana room, all these guys. We're just looking for the next thing. All of a sudden, we see all the girls were met.

And then Mark shows up out of fucking nowhere. The reappearance we were taking what? you just found him? we were taking a group picture and all of a sudden we got Mark

his when he I swear to God it was like the resurrection of Christ like we were like Mark has returned he hath returned

that's great it was it was a very fun moment it was the girls who we have video of this. I'm sure that you guys will put it up on a blog. I'm sure we'll try to put it up on a blog.

But I mean, it was so fucking fun. I'll tell you what, right now, Bert, Feidelberg is in the hurt shop. Because we came home the next night we did Louis C.K. at the Garden. So he was drinking for that. He went out yesterday for Sunday football. We come into work today, and I was like, bro, I think you got to go to the hospital.

I mean, he is hurting. It was all worth it, though, man. It was the most organic thing that has ever come about. And, I mean, I thanked you a million times for it, but I can't thank you enough. It was really incredible, man. Dude. No, it was awesome. And, hey, I thanked you a million times for it, but I can't thank you enough. It was really incredible, man. Dude. No, it was awesome. And hey, there's the beauty.

Bert, I am home from June till the end of October. Please call me on 24 hours notice. Dude, Bert, you were talking about, I was thinking about it, Bert, because you said how you think it could honestly be like a series. I think if you called the show 24, I know you might have some trouble. Yeah, just something with 24 where the whole idea is you got to go in 24 hours. I really think there's something there, man. It was such good content.

We were talking about it because the first thought was like, what if I don't have underwear? What if I don't have clothes? The laundry needs to be done. It's like, just get it there. Just figure it out. Any of your issues are really not issues. Nope. You can just go.

Yep. No, they're not issues. We saw Feidelberg's cape. That's right. Feidelberg had a cape. I said we went to this abracadabra place and he had a red cape on top of it. That outfit was sick. He looked awesome in those bell bottoms. That was

unbelievable. It was top to bottom unbelievable. I'm jumping into a Google meeting right now. I love you guys. I'm in London. Thanks, Bert now I love you guys I'm in London thanks Bergen Kevin I'll see you in I'll see you in Tetby love it man I'll see

you there buddy love you I'll talk to you sorry good luck on tour buddy have a blast thanks thanks I'll talk to you soon

it uh yeah the the Kevin Connelly Google meeting just go to google.com who has to walk him through that yeah it was... It's so much to remember.

It is. And then we have someone else. I'm forgetting fucking Kevin Connelly popping in. Dude, he caught the dildo and inexplicably just went like this. And he puts it down his shirt. What? And then immediately he was like, why did I do that?

Why did I do that? This is gross. This is gross. Yeah, fucking vile, man. Yeah, it was like an episode of entourage it was like you know we're with the boys and then this happened and then that happened and so for for someone who doesn't travel it was like zero to a hundred man it really was fucking sick it was dude god get burt to take you next yeah he invited it was just like so we so obviously you know

how can you return the favor right it's like yeah, it doesn't work the other way, right? Yeah. So we said, what if we just show up at one of his places? And say, we're going out. Yeah. And we do it at Shreveport. You know what I mean? It's not some glorious place.

And all of a sudden, you're on set. And if he's like, no, no, I can't. I got to do this. You don't need more. No, no, no. I'll give you 24 hours. Get your shit together. And then meet me at the dive bar in fucking Omaha

or whatever the fuck it is. Did you see Aziz's Mark Twain speech for Chappelle? I feel like I did, but what? When Chappelle was like, take these mushrooms. He goes, no, I can't have this. He goes, do you want to say this is the night you did not do mushrooms with Dave Chappelle? He got to say this.

All right. That was exactly, somebody, a lot of people said to me when he extended the invite, he kind of did it like a challenge. Like you have 24 hours to reply. And people were like, are you going to go? I was like, am I going to? Yeah, that was your poet.

It was like, I have to. I'm going to fucking go. When Bert calls you, he says, let's go. You go. And you know what? God was shining down upon me because he did it on a Monday. And that is usually, like I have my kids on the weekend. And then usually Monday, Tuesday is when I'm off.

And so it was like the stars aligned. I'm going. And so it was like the stars aligned. I'm going. It was absolutely unreal. Dude, me and Bert used to talk about this. We were on the Joker's cruise a long time ago. 2017 maybe. And we were like, how cool would it be to drug a comic. He said this.

He said this. But not for the party to put him out and leave him somewhere. Leave him in like on an island in Cambodia. Yeah. And it's like, we're on tour,

drop him off on this tour, like we're on a cruise and now you're just on an island. You wake up. You take his ID, you give him a few dollars to get by

and then it's like, find your way home. Because we waited out and we were like, the joy, if nothing goes crazy wrong in your life, like was like my brother's wedding was tomorrow i missed that as long as that doesn't happen the adventure to get home and to do all the things would be irreplaceable in life you realize how like even so i didn't even think twice about um my phone or my credit card like i got

there and my phone wasn't working. Great. Right? And I was trying to get money at the casino and it wasn't working. And it was kind of like, yeah, like, I don't know. I mean, I ended up just like calling these places and figuring it out. But there's something fun about like if you're, if you really, if you didn't have your shit, you didn't know where you were, live like, you know, live like they did a couple hundred years ago.

Figure it the fuck out. Here's your ID and a hundred dollars. Go ahead, get home. Or don't. Get, you know, get wherever. Start a life there. I don't ago. Figure it the fuck out. Here's your ID and $100. Go ahead, get home. Or don't. Get wherever. Start a life there. I don't know. Right, right, right.

Get your new underwear. Because you will eventually. But what an adventure to learn a language and then be able to find a consulate. You wake up on a fucking island with a ghost. I think Bert said this too.

It would be a note like, hey, this is Bert and Ari. We drugged you and taken all your stuff. Don't fear. You're in no danger. You're in a pretty safe country and Ari. We drugged you, we're taking all your stuff. Don't fear, you're in no danger. You're in a pretty safe country. Right.

Safe enough. Yeah, don't go to the city. Don't go to Guatemala City, but any of the other towns are great. And then just like, talk to you when you get back. So what, if Bert were to call you

or someone were to do this with you, what city would you hope it would be? With Bert and me, I hope it's somewhere exotic. Not Europe. I hope it's somewhere exotic. Not Europe. I hope it's Asia or Morocco. What is Morocco like? Morocco is like tropical

or it's like- Warm, but I don't know for sure. It's on the coast of Africa? It's in here. It's like, yeah. Oh, okay. I thought it was on the other side of Africa.

There's Algiers. That's Morocco, right? So that's almost more like Mediterranean-ish. But like Northern Africa. But Africa. So it's not... I thought it was like on the eastern

or the western side of Africa. So I thought it was like truly... Borneo. If he's like, we're going to Borneo tomorrow. Papua New Guinea or fucking... I've never been to Laos. Where's the...

What do you consider the most exotic place you've been? Either Myanmar, which is down here, Rangoon, yeah. Or East Timor. Have you ever been to Newark, New Jersey? It's probably one of those. Crazy.

There's so many fucking places to go in the world. It's wild. These little islands for the- Have you done like Fiji? Have you done like those? Not Fiji, the other one. Maldives? No, maybe Fiji.

It's, do I have a thing for it? Have you done Dubai? No, I just turned downiji. Do I have a thing for it? Have you done Dubai? No, I just turned down gigs in Dubai. Really? I feel like that's... It seems like you want to go. Well, it's turned into this influencer fucking whatever, but I also feel like it's a very man-made...

Yeah, that's why I'm not interested. There's no culture. There's no culture that I'm interested in, but I also think that they probably built it right and there's a lot of cool shit. It's Vegas. Yeah. It's a country of Vegas.

It's like we're going to party or whatever, but you're not actually in Vegas. The island that looks like a palm tree. Tahiti. That's where it is. Tahiti. Tahiti. I went there for New Year's a couple years ago.

Yeah. I'd like to get back to the Amalfi Coast. That was fucking unbelievable. Amalfi Coast. You know who just went there? Santino. You've got to talk to him about it. Oh,

I did. So I did. I asked everybody, where do you want to go next? I did Santorini, uh, Positano, uh,

Capri. Yeah. And I would honestly go back to any of those. Uh, but yeah, that like the Mediterranean to me is unbelievable. Whether it's Greece, Italy,

whatever I, that was so fucking incredible that that was like where I was like, all right, I get that. I got it. I understand traveling now. It was a time where I was kind of like, what's the difference?

It's all about people. It's all about your experience, whether you do it here, you do it there, who cares? And it's like, no, if you do,

if you have the right people and you're doing it overlooking like these fucking beautiful landscapes and seascapes and stuff it's like no yeah it's also it's newness combined with vacation combined so it's like oh let's go nut let's eat nice like things and also like whoa where are we yeah you know what i thought was interesting as a more well-versed traveler maybe you can speak to it i thought customs was like a thing to worry about yeah like i feel like here or there both yeah i thought like we didn't like bring anything either direction but like if we wanted to we absolutely could have especially coming home i was thinking like oh coming home from a place like amsterdam they're gonna like check it was

like wow keep it coming this is the exact kind of like travel like um uh noticing whatever the word observation that i'm looking for where it's like you're not gonna remember this in two years no but when i was packing i was like i had like um one of those like pill cases that has like a couple advil and a couple of modium and i was like they would have gone through it i thought so too i was like because these are just stray pills modium. And I was like, they would've gone through it. I thought so too. I was like, cause these are just straight pills. And after the fact, I was like, Oh my God,

I shouldn't have packed that. What do I do? And they were just like, I don't care. That's what I know about China. China. They did it or did not punishable by death. Right.

And then they don't check you. I guess they're like, you're going to take that risk. Yeah. I think they're not going to take. So it's just, yeah. I mean,

I finished all my edibles on the plane throughout the rest of the plane and then I was like not even a dog nothing they didn't even put it through a machine I don't think whatever I had visions of us getting detained for

I left a fucking edible in my pocket or whatever I'm going to get Brittany Griner even if I did I don't think anybody fucking... I smoked on the way back from Amsterdam, like while I was waiting for the cab, and I was smoking outside, so it's cold, so it's like, you know, smoke sticks to you when it's cold, cigarettes or otherwise,

and I got in the plane, and the cab driver was like, hey, dude, and this was seven, 10 years ago, and he goes, oh, hey, they're all going to check you, you can't smuggle weed back, and I'm like, I'm not going to, and then we drove another two minutes, and he was like, hey, and he goes oh hey they're all gonna check you you can't smuggle weed back and I'm like I'm not going to and then we drove another two minutes

and he was like hey dude I'm not joking you're gonna get in a lot of trouble and I'm like I'm not taking anything Amsterdam

and I'm like oh no dude I just smell I'm not taking anything got it I mean maybe you know I guess it's like

if they do decide or if they put it through the x-ray and they see something you're fucked. But I was kind of like, oh, boy, what happens now? And nothing. Nothing happens now.

I mean, it's like driving drunk. You'll probably get away with it. Yeah, you're right. But the deterrence. You know, we were going into Amsterdam and Matty was ahead of me talking with the guy who said the fat one. He was like behind the glass checking the passports. But then three like Dutch soldiers, I guess, came walking at me. And they just were like, we needed to get by, you know.

But there was this moment where the three of them were looking at me and walking at me. And I had nothing on me, but I was just like, what's going to happen now? What's going to happen now? And they were just like, excuse me, sir. And I was like, right this way. I literally, I'm not sure. I think that's how black people feel every time they see a cop. Every single day of their life.

No, why? Please don't. Okay, never mind. We're good. Yeah, sounds about right. You ever have a cop pulled next to you when you're driving? You're like, shit. Every time.

I don't have any drugs. I'm driving the speed limit. I'm fine. Totally. But still, you're nervous. Every time. Every fucking time. And then, yeah, they don't even shoot us. They don't have any drugs. I'm driving the speed limit. I'm fine. Totally. But still you're nervous. Every time. Every fucking time. And then they don't even shoot us.

They don't do anything. So Amalfi Coast you'd go back to. Totally would go back there. Where else? Where have you never been that you'd like to go? You don't have to hold to this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what's on your mind?

I would like to go to Australia. And what used to deter me was the distance. But I've decided if and when I start doing more of this stuff, I'm just going to pay the money for first class. Or like,

I mean, Australia might be a little bit too much, but to me, I hate the plane and I hate the crampness and it almost makes it ruin it for me.

So I'm just going to fucking pony up the extra money and it's worth it. I for me. So I'm just going to fucking pony up the extra money. I went to Australia first class once. And what does that cost? $25,000. I was going to say that's a bit too much. If you tell me like, you know, the flight is two grand, but first class is 10 grand. I'm lucky enough that I can just say, fuck it, I'll do it.

But 25 is a bit much. But also the flip side is like 20 fucking four hours on like a non first class flight is like put a bullet in my head. Dude, on the way back to, it was a Rogan UFC ticket. I didn't pay for it.

Rogan didn't pay for it. It's a free companion first class ticket. And then they expanded so much. They're like, well, we didn't expect this. So who's your friend?

Right. Literally Dana White comes up to me at the event, I think in Australia. It was like, Hey, do you know how much

your fucking ticket costs? Yeah. You better bring some fucking value with you if you send me back there you don't think i'm gonna use twelve thousand dollars i desperately dude desperately yeah cash value please i don't know but when you show up and everyone's like this a customer's like yeah and you're just like brutal i'm good to go yeah let's go i think so one way or another I'd like to get there I kind of want to go like in like this area like I don't even

know what this is like India kind of place like but more like like what's like here yeah is there anything like there like any islands that are like you know what's around here I think the fucking islands you can't go to because they'll just spear you

kill you yeah like they don't let any people yeah like somebody tried once and then like they're like nah

oh no here right here Madagascar I could fuck around Madagascar that would be cool I could do that that would be cool

maybe see a little bit more of South America and when I say more I mean any because I've never been there I can give you some tips about South America yeah I bet you could.

The stupidest moment of my life. Yeah. I was writing a blog back in the day about, I think it was when SARS was hopping. Ironically, it was about like pandemics and shit. Yeah. And I opened up a map, and my joke or my thought process was, how about every time you fly to like Africa or whatever, if you have some place where there's disease, you have to stop at a place before you come

back to America. And I opened up a map, and I didn't realize that it was capitals were listed. And it said Hamilton, which is the capital of Bermuda. Okay. And I go, what the fuck is Hamilton Island? Just off the coast of America in the middle of the Atlantic? How have I never heard of Hamilton Island? Just off the coast of America in the middle of the Atlantic. How have I never heard of Hamilton Island? And I'm like writing this blog being like, has anybody ever been

to Hamilton Island? Blah, blah, blah, blah. Going on and on about it, realizing it's just fucking That's why we're like, you goddamn moron. Everyone's saying the same thing. Such a fucking idiot. Oh, and I would like to see the Northern Lights. I want to go up to Alaska. You don't want to go to that.

We'll wrap it up now. But for that, to really get it, you got to go for like a week. To make sure you like see it. And like get one of those huts that like you're underground with a big. Yes, the bubble. Uh-huh. Yep. And all you're doing there is going for the Northern Lights.

Because my friends who live in Iceland, they're like, oh, I see it three times a year. Yeah, yeah. But off my back porch. Right. But it's like you got to get lucky. Right. So you got to be out and you got to do it all the time. Right, right, right, right. So I would like to try to go see that

I would love to see the Northern Lights if I don't see it I would hope that there's still enough that I'd be like this was still cool but that is one thing I do think I want to see if I'm 88 and I'm on my deathbed I would regret way more not seeing the Northern Lights than not having kids like a small part of me

would be like what if i had had children but i wanted to see those things in the sky oh and you know what uh i feel like seeing like yellowstone or like the the nicest part of america i think it'd be weird to be in america and never have seen like the beauty part of america just like the city the shitty cities of america yeah so those six and 17th yeah um kfFC you can watch him every week on KFC radio KFC radio and one minute man

on Instagram oh yeah those are fun yeah check out his Instagram what is it KFC radio KFC Barstool KFC Barstool and he just does like

topical stuff he just I don't know how you talk as you know the micromachines guy yeah I've been practicing

I'm just trying to it's clear and you like he only has a minute so he's really gotta get a minute 30 in there. I appreciate that you noticed that. Thank you. But it's not like, you're not skipping words.

You're saying, everyone, I get it. But it's, damn, it's tight. And you're like, that's my minute. Goodbye. It's cutting on the key. Thank you. I'm happy to hear that. It does not go unnoticed.

Thanks for doing it. And I'm glad you finally went somewhere cool. Yeah, man. And keep that up. Keep trying new places. For sure. Thank you, man somewhere cool. Yeah, man. And keep that up. Keep trying new places. For sure. Thank you, man. Sick.

Well, that's the episode, everybody. I hope you had a good time. I know I enjoyed that. What a wild trip. You know, you can say what you want about Bert. You can say whatever you want. He's a fat piece of shit. He's a bad father.

He blows stories out of proportion. He looks to victimhood. He's like a laughable man in his friend group. He's made a lot of money letting his friend laugh at him. He's absentee. He's an alcoholic. He's fat. He's a braggart.

Bad dresser. Bald. Underrated bald. Here's where I always used to hat. He values money over substance. But whatever you want to say about him, he does know how to have a good time. And what a fun trip that seemed like it was. God, he's living his life right.

He's such a fat, bald, bad father, bad alcoholic, fucking laughable to his friend group, braggadocious liar, values money over friendship person, he does have a good fucking time. Thank you KFC for coming in. Everybody make sure to check out his podcast. I'm on there all the time. Probably been on there five different times.

Six different times. Check that out. Um, called KFC Radio. A lot of funny comments on there constantly. And he also does the Answer the Internet series. It's always really good. I do have some bad

news for you. I do have some bad news for you about Amsterdam. I've been back since we recorded this podcast. I've been back. And unfortunately, maybe you heard it in my double negative special from Austin, Texas, before I moved there. Talk about the grilled cheese place. It's right next to the Anne Frank House. And I went back.

The last time I was there, it was closed. It was closed at 3 p.m. It's a brunch spot. And I was crying outside the Anne Frank House. I was literally I was there, it was closed. It was closed at 3 p.m. It's a brunch spot. And I was crying outside the Anne Frank. I was literally crying as other people were coming by. Crying for different reasons. And they were like, it's sad, right? I'm like, it is sad to come all this way to the Netherlands and not to get here in time.

Because I was on my phone too much. I was on my phone too much. And I missed the fucking window to get that grilled cheese sandwich. But this time I was not going to make that mistake, and I went by there, and I got the grilled cheese, and it wasn't good. I heard reports on this from my brother, and I said, no, that's just going to be complaining Jews. Come to find out the restaurant's under new ownership and new management, and it's just

one type of cheese with store-bought bread on a foreman grill. It's dead, everybody. I had a time, and it was gone. I'll never be back. I'll never be able to recreate that great of grilled cheese. I'm telling you, it was three different kinds of cheese, a freshly just grilled tomato on there. It was just amazing. It was amazing. But it's gone. There's a time and place and that time and place is over

now. That time is over. That place is still there, but the time is over. So I urge you all to make your own paths. Make your own paths. Figure it out for yourself. Yeah. I don't know what to tell you. Next week, by the way, do make sure to check out my tour schedule. It's in Australia starting May 17th

in Melbourne. 18th is sold out. Adelaide, May 24th. Canberra, May 25th. Nick Capper is going to be joining me

for Adelaide, Melbourne, and Canberra. And then Brisbane May 31st and Sydney June 1st, all tickets are arishafir.com we will also find

starting next week, pre-sale for the Shroomfest shirts Shroomfest this year is July I think 21st, 22nd, 23rd it's that 21st, whatever that Saturday, Sunday Monday is, if you want to participate if you don't 21st, whatever that Saturday, Sunday, Monday is. If you want to participate, if you don't know anything about Shroomfest, you just got to take shrooms.

Officially, because of YouTube standards, I'm not talking about any sort of psychedelic shrooms. I'm just talking about mushrooms. They're delicious. Make sure to get some non-poisonous kind. Make sure to take shrooms. I do this every day. And eat them at Shroomfest.

You know what I'm talking about. Shroomfest shirts will be available for pre-sale next week as will hopefully the Patreon starting the Patreon here's what I'm going to do in it I hope you guys are going to enjoy it I'll be on next week

I'm the guest next week talking about China a fun fun fun trip to Shanghai and Beijing. I'm going to leave out Hong Kong, because they will be free someday soon. This video will now not be shown in China, because I said that. First thing we're going to do is, what I want to do is, everybody get stickers.

You'll be tripping stickers with the stamp. And I want you to put those stickers up in odd places, and then take pictures of it and send it in and tell me where they were. I'm going to do that. I'm going to have a lot of fucking fun with it. It's going to be more about fun, less about money. I want you to write in your travel stories yourself. Call in. We're going to have a Stav-style call-in thing. Someone will go through and I can hear them on air. I want you to send in postcards that I can read

on the Patreon. I'll give you a place to mail it in on the Patreon. From wherever you'll go, see some weird stamps. Mail in some dollar bills, money from everywhere, drew it up. And that's it. I'm going to do blogs, picture blogs, places I've been. I'm going to do audience write-ins and all sorts of stuff. The Patreon is coming next

week, so I'll tell you about it next week. And that's it, I think. Today's episode is produced by Your mom's house network. Done very well. It is edited by... Who edited this one? Chris Larson? No.

Is it Alan? If it's Alan, he's just an editor. If it's Chris Larson, he's raised money for communist causes. Just an editor. If it's Chris Larson, he's raised money for communist causes all over third world countries. And he's been a part of trying to overthrow those governments and put in communist regimes in multiple areas. He's gotten a lot of service spending, a lot of danger. That's Chris Larson's fault, but he believes in something. And that's important.

Alan, however, has no last name, and he is an editor. That's it, everybody. That's it. Hope you had a good time. I... Yeah. Till next week with China. No, I know this. I know this. I know it. I know it.

Amsterdam. Letak? No, that's thank you. Fuck and shit. Well, keep tripping, everybody. I know in Amsterdam. I let it talk. No, that's thank you. Fuck and shit. Well, keep tripping, everybody. I'll see you next week. Subscribe also, wherever you are. Wherever you're listening or watching. We almost got to 50,000 subscribers on YouTube.

Go subscribe right now. Get me to 50K. Bye.