You Be Trippin' - Around The World w/ Harland Williams | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: October 7, 2024

Follow Harland on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams/ SPONSORS: -Over 2 Million Butts Love TUSHY. Get 10% off TUSHY with the code TRIPPIN at https://hellotushy.com/TRIPPIN Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/trippin , all lowercase On this episode of You Be Trippin, Harland Williams gets a brochure in the mail that changes his life and sends him flying around the globe to multiple countries. From Machu Picchu in Peru to the heads of Easter Island, from the beaches of Tahiti to the Great Barrier Reef, and from the monks of Angkor Wat to the plains of Africa, Harland’s whirlwind trip took him on a once-in-a-lifetime adventure. Along the way, he also stopped in Nepal where he rode elephants and flew over Mt. Everest and in India where he saw the Taj Mahal and took photos of a pretty brazen nose-picker. On the show, we also get quite a few of Harland’s fun and unpredictable zingers, as well as, a beautiful poetry reading. It’s a good one so sit back and enjoy the flight. You Be Trippin' Ep. 35 https://www.instagram.com/arishaffir https://www.instagram.com/youbetrippinpod https://store.ymhstudios.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Metrolinx and Crosslinx are reminding everyone to be careful as Eglinton Cross Town LRT train testing is in progress. Please be alert as trains can pass at any time on the tracks. Remember to follow all traffic signals. Be careful along our tracks and only make left turns where it's safe to do so. Be alert, be aware, and stay safe. I gotta come up with an opening. I do an opening every time. I try to think of a SimCity different one. Oh great. Do you want to help me think of one? Yeah, I love openings. I've done like made with 100% recyclable material, only podcasts made with that, only podcasts made by Ukrainian refugees. It's just like whatever so what this podcast is

Constructed with no, it's just a travel podcast or I'm like only podcasts endorsed by the Green Party. Oh, I see how about the only podcast in support of Murdering endangered species because no one's doing that. It's almost an untouched You know like when they're like, it might not be the number one thing, but if you're the only guy in that market. You're doing it.

Yeah. Which makes you stand out sort of like, hey, there's a olive speckled sea turtle. There's only three left. And then your, you know, your Birkenstock comes down on the back of its head and suddenly you're in the news. And people like, that reminds me of Ari in his UB Trippin podcast. Yeah. So is that one?

Hi everybody. Welcome to U'll Be Trippin'. It's a travel podcast every week. Me and a guest go somewhere interesting around the world. It's the only podcast that is built on murdering endangered species. And today my guest is one of the best lawyers in Los Angeles, recently turned stand-up comedian, Harlan Williams Esquire thanks for being here bud. Dude if you if you need any litigation done or you need jokes I'm your guy. Oh nice. Yeah I'm happy to do either I can I can work you through your divorce

I can work you through a car crash or if you need some knock-knock jokes or material about relationships dogs funerals. Yeah I bet if you do like divorce law and then like get jokes from knock-knock jokes or material about relationships, dogs. Funerals, yeah. Yeah, I bet if you do like divorce law and then like get jokes from that. Sure. You know, relationship jokes. Knock-knock.

Who's there? Your murdered wife. My murdered wife who? You did it, you're going to jail. You know, this type of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's not what you want from your lawyer though. Well, he said I do lawyer and jokes. Oh right, right, right. That's what you want.

You laugh in your way to incarceration. What's incarceration mean? Jailed. Okay. Yeah. I'm a lawyer. I don't use those big words. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, it's like imagine you're in a car. Yeah. You know, but then like laceration, it's like an uncomfortable thing. You have a laceration in your car, you don't wanna be there. So like that's how prison feels. Incarceration almost sounds like a new type of vape too. Like the new, like raspberry blast incarceration.

Get cancer but do it with color. Maybe that's your business thing. I'm into the murdered fucking dangerous species. This podcast supports that. Sure does. Incarceration fapes. You know, I could see going on safari with you and we go to Tasmania or Australia

and we find one of those weird, remember those dogs, the tiger wolves, or the tiger dogs, the Australian, there's only supposed to be extinct. Oh yeah. No, it's like a- Oh, the Tasmanian devil? No, it's a type of, it was like the tiger wolf or something.

Okay. And they said it went extinct in like the 30s and they have film of it, but I could, there's rumors that they're still out there and I could see me and you going on safari and then we see one and you put on your Birkenstocks and put its head on a curb in Melbourne and then stomp on the back of its skull.

Yeah, Murdenstocks I call it, Murdenstocks. Murdenstocks, great, also my doctor by the way. Phil Murdenstock, Beverly Hills. How's he doing? 5296 Maple Drive, fourth floor. And I don't endorse him, he's just a friend. Oh nice, you just hang out there? Yeah, that's just his address, it's all right.

Nothing's better than getting a doctor to tell you specifics about patients by name. Go over that oath they have and just say, hey, that's like an NDA, we don't really hold by them. Who even uses that word oath anymore? Yeah. It sounds like a health food. Would you like some more,

some blueberry on your oath? You know, just forget it. Kind of want to bring oath back. How about oath meal? How about oath meal? I'll go with some. I'm kind of, gonna do a hot bowl of that right now. I believe you promised my agent oath meal when I was here.

Dude, I'm gonna start using the word oath. I'm gonna start by like, did you really go there? I'm like, I give you this oath that I did. Isn't it funny how oath is so close to oaf, which is another word you never hear. Like, has anyone ever called you a lazy oaf? No, it would hurt if some white lady, like move you oaf.

It's hurtful. You know what I'm gonna do right now, Ari? And I don't care what your audience says. I'm gonna take an oath to never call you an oaf. That's from the heart. Thanks, bud. That's what I do. I wanna go punch a three-nosed Indonesian mole.

There's only six left. If you die before me, I'm gonna speak at your funeral and say a man true to his word. Or I'm gonna be like, this man was a damn liar. He called me oath constantly. Doesn't matter, I'll be laying in a coffin staring at the ceiling fan. My eyes coagulating and tiny maggot larva forming, eating my corneas and my pupils and making slurping sounds and distracting

you so you can't even finish making an oath. That would distract me at your funeral. All that stuff happening. Checkmate. Arlen, what do you want to talk about today? Where are we going? I think we're done, Guy. I think you know that.

I think there's nowhere to go from maggots eating my eyes. You know, you said, hey guy, let's talk about travel. Yeah. And we've all traveled. We've all been to different countries and places. And I have really a very spectacular trip that happened to me. Okay. That was one trip, but encompassed the whole globe. No way, really?

Yeah, and if you wanna stick to one country, I'll abide by that, but this trip was so spectacular, I thought you might be inspired or it might be interesting. Well, I'll tell you what I usually do is, go to a place, it might even be a city, Paris, but then I'll be like France, a good country. How about Earth? Earth, that's a country.

Yeah, you'll be the, well, it'll be the only one that's ever been to, like, that'll be you, your thing. Yeah, by the way, why isn't there a tree named that? Earth? I mean, we've got pine trees. We've got birch trees, we got, I mean. But why would a tree be? Well shouldn't every tree have a tree?

God damn it dude, I told myself I was gonna fall for one of these today. Fucking shit. It's just a woodsy question, and you live in a city so maybe you don't know woodsy questions. See look, those look like trees to me. That's definitely a tree, dude. Yeah.

Oh, it's moist. Is that sap or is that excitement? What? You're sapping the energy out of this room right now. Wow, that is swollen, dude. I plucked some trees like this. Was there a woodpecker on that just before they took this picture?

Oh yeah, that's a tree right there. What do we got here? This one look like a not bad. Not bad. That one's got wood. Look, there's an anus tree down on the bottom left. That's definitely an anus tree. I've never seen a tree take a shit. You will. I've never seen a tree take a shit. It looks like a bad one. It looks like a real like school newspaper.

It must be fall. Cause the clits changing color. It's all red and pink. Wow dude. This is pretty nice. I didn't notice it would go down that way. It's just a simple Google image search where you'll get such rewards. There if you scroll back up, I think I saw one doing a spread eagle right there. And there's a, look, right there there's a gynecologist,

a wild gynecologist. Whoa! What the hell, whoacologist. Whoa. What the hell? Whoa. Nice. Wow. Oh, he's getting in there. Is that Mini Driver?

Who is that? What is that? The one with the hat or the one leaning over? I don't know. I can't, dude. Wow, I hope that tree doesn't get diarrhea cause that guy's gonna be killed. Oh, he's gonna get sprayed.

Wow. He's gonna be. Oh, he's gonna get sprayed. Wow. He's gonna root. Wow. Alex Haley tree. All right. All right. All right. Okay.

Sorry, man. So, so here's what happened. I like to travel. We all like to travel. When'd you get into it? How long were you always when you were a young lad growing up in Kitchener? Were you, uh, when I were a young lad growing up in Kitchener? Were you a... When I was a young lad, this was my modus operandi and that's the lawyer in me talking.

I emerged as a youngin in the world on earth. And I was born in Toronto, and I had my environment with the silent N. And as a young boy, I knew I was on a planet full of treasures and just exotic places. And I thought, this is my home. And it's like, if I bought a house, I would want to go in every room. And this earth is my home, I live here.

I want to try and go in as many rooms as I can. So as a young boy, I thought I want to live a life where I can see the world and go into as many rooms as I can and have experiences. And so I always had my eye on traveling. And so I did, I would go here and there and I'd been to many places, but then one day I went on this incredible journey that stemmed from a piece

of junk mail. Okay. So I went down to my, my mailbox one day at the end of my driveway and I reached in and you get all these you know the coupons for the grocery stores and all the junk mail and I was throwing them in the garbage and there was one pamphlet and it said National Geographic on it which to me is still one of the sort of the more pure brand names in the world you know. Yeah.

You think National Geographic, you think sort of classy and educational and. Yeah, they haven't fought, there's no swimsuit issue. Yeah. They do have tits though sometimes. Sometimes they do, yeah. Never white tits. No, no.

No, but it really exposes you to it. They're kinda racist like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would've been nice to see some, you know, a tribe in Cleveland or a tribe down in, you know, Boston. Yeah, cheetahs. Yeah, like why has it always gotta be the Umgagala tribe in Rwanda or something?

Yeah, how about a one necklace naked chick instead of a 10? Really racist. Really racist, but they never went woke, which is nice. Yeah. But it was a pure magazine, yeah. It was sort of pure and it was one of those brand names where you associate it with quality, right?

So now I got this pamphlet and I just thought it was garbage and I literally was throwing it towards the garbage can. I was just about to take my fingers off it and I just went, something went National Geographic and I pulled it back. Garbage can't. It was a garbage can't moment.

Yeah. And I looked at it and I still have it. I brought the pamphlet. I'm going to show it to you. Oh hell yeah. And it said, national geographic trip around the world in a private jet in 26 days. And I went, wait a minute.

I opened this pamphlet up and there they show a map of all your destinations from Easter Island to Nepal to Africa to India to Tahiti to Egypt. Like it was everywhere. And I go, this has gotta be a million dollars. I'd never seen anything like this. They have the price in there, I look, $35,000. First class, private jet. And I look $35,000 first class,

private jet, private jet. And I just did the math and I went, wait, and then it was three days in each place at a five star hotel. Everything included meals. They handle your luggage. They handle your passports, resorts. They arrange day trips for you. 29 days 29 to 26 days six days wait Wow I mean it's pricey but also cheap it's you tried to do that on your own around the world in a month and it was Like what 16? 17 locations. Yeah, no way. Also the planning is worth fucking 10 grand

So the planning and then and then not only that, but they included on the flight, they had these experts like naturalists, scientists. We had a TV show host, Boyd Madsen, who hosted National Geographic, the explorer. And these guys would give lectures on the plane in between these flights. I'm gonna show you the pamphlet

because I saved it, it's pretty hilarious. Hi guys, I just gotta break it real quick to let you know that Harlan Williams is a tremendous stand-up comic. He's got his own podcast called The Harlan Highway and he's got a tour coming. You can see him coming up in Ontario, Canada where he is a mega god. You can also see him in Stanford, Connecticut, Huntsville, Alabama, Portland,

Oregon. Go to harlowwilliams.com for tickets for myself. I've got my farewell tour that is going on sale. October 16th is the pre-sale promo code Ari. Uh, I'll be in the following cities, Tahoe, Pittsburgh, Providence, Salt Lake City, Bray, Nashville, New Jersey, Tampa, Denver will be a best of week. Schaumburg, Atlanta, Portland, Jacksonville, San Jose, Fort Lauderdale, Seattle, Vancouver, Edmonton, Calgary, and then maybe Dallas,

San Antonio, Spokane, or Boise, probably one of those. All tickets will be at rechefere.com, promo code RE. That will be, oh, and Alaska, Anchorage, Alaska will be the final gig. That's it I will not be adding any more tour dates till 2027. So hurry up and get them tickets are always free calm Subscribe wherever you listen if you like this podcast. We're almost a hundred thousand subscribers And it will be pretty great. Once I get there Tom Segura said he will finally respect me as an equal And sign up for the patreon patreon.com

Slash you be trippin'. That's it. Let's get back to this fucking crazy episode. I had no idea he was such a good traveler. This is fucking awesome. Let's get back to it. Look at this. I don't know if you want to hold it up or look at it.

Around the world in a private jet. God damn. Yeah. Isn't that wild? What? So it was one trip. I'm in Machu Picchu, Easter Island, Tahiti, Great Barrier Reef and Kerr walk. I'm gonna do Taj Mo damn Victoria Falls. I mean these are the Luxor in the Great Pyramids Petra

Istanbul what the fuck crazy lost city of patch. God, dude, you there's no way these runs I mean, these are like yeah petras here Yeah, and then like Tahiti's fucking there. Yeah. What the fuck, bro? Easter Island's the second most remote place on the planet. Easter Island. Easter Island's, I think, like, let's just say there. Oh, yeah, right. You can't even see it. It's so remote. Wait, wow. I gotta take pictures of all these. Yeah, take pictures and it shows, it shows the route. It shows the map and it shows the price. Like it's just crazy. When Hiram Bingham discovered the lost city of Inca in 1911,

he turned to the national geography. So he took you to the fucking Machu Picchu. Went to Machu Picchu and I'll tell you. And there's all this national geography, like info about it. Oh yeah. And they did lectures and we stayed at the best resorts. We stayed at the best. Look at this. This is the route? Yeah, that's the route. Oh my God. It's London, Istanbul, then down to fucking Africa, up to India. Hanker Wat, Great. It's the Great

Barrier Reef. Great Barrier Reef, Tahiti. Wait. This story doesn't end with you not doing it, right? No, I did it. Okay, great. I did it. Okay, fucking great. That's what I'm here to tell you about today. You're like, the biggest regret of my life is not following up on this.

It's like one trip, but it's multiple trips in one. So how do you decide, you just like wrote them back on the back of it? I didn't believe it really. I thought this mathematically, economically doesn't make sense. So I phoned them and they said, yeah man. And I think it's the first.

What year was this? When was this? It says it on there. I think it's 20. 2003. Yeah. April 2nd to 26th, 2003. So I reached out to them

and I think this is the first time they ever did it. And so I think they were testing the water. And so I phone, I go, is this right? And they go, yeah. And I signed up. And I went. So now we're on this private jet, all first class seating. A chef on the jet.

We get to land. A chef on the jet. Oh, this is the jet. This is the jet. I mean, it's a real plane. This is not like a 10-seater. First class leather seats. Leather seats.

Leather seats. And that was just on the toilets in the bathroom. I want to read these terms again. I'm not going to read them all. There's something in here, like also your soul. Yeah. It's so much. Wow.

Isn't that wild? Okay. So you, you, you, you called them and then how, how did it go from there? So here we go. We, we go on the thing and they send us a thing we have to fill out. We have to fill out a questionnaire for the whole trip, right? Yeah. What's your name? Okay.

And you know, they say, how do you want to be addressed? And you know, I mean, I'm a goofball. How do you want to be addressed? And you know, I mean, I'm a goofball. How do you want to be addressed? It's a bad question to ask you. So this is also pre pronouns. This is just like, I mean, your honor. I mean, what did you choose? Can I switch per continent?

So you, you lived in LA for a long time. Did you ever do the tonight show over at NBC in the valley? No, I went by there for the strike once, but that's about it. I was shuttling people during a strike. I'll get my card. The Tonight Show used to be shot in the valley on Olive in Burbank and right across from the Tonight Show, there was this little dumpy burger stand for years since I moved there. It's gone now, but it was called Juicy Harvey's. So when I filled out the thing, I didn't

think it would amount to anything. So they said name and I wrote Juicy Harvey just as a throwaway, right? Yeah. So, so we get to South America. We're in Lima on the first night and we're in this, this exotic ancient temple and they're throwing out the food. And I'm like, oh my God, I'm going to die. So we get to South America, we're in Lima on the first night and we're in this exotic

ancient temple and they're throwing a first meet and greet. There's 70 of us and it's mostly older retired couples. I'm the only young single dude and they made name tags for all of us. So here's Carol Smith from Delaware, here's Jack Johnson from Cleveland, and all of a sudden here's me, Juicy Harvey. They made my name tag Juicy Harvey. They made a name tag for you. Everyone had them. Oh my God. And so at the meet and greet, people were like, oh, hi, Juicy. And I was like, and I didn't mind. So yeah, that's my name. juicy and I was like, yeah, that's my name.

So for the whole trip, people were calling me the juice. Dude. Like all these old people were calling me the juice, right? And in South America, it's Weezy. Yeah. And then, and then, uh oh, what happened? Nothing, just making sure. Oh God. We're good, go ahead.

So the other thing, the other element of it was, I had done, as you know, movies and TV and stuff like that. I had a little notoriety. Yeah, you had your own claymation show, which was rare. And I wanted to be under the radar. I just wanted to go on this trip and be anonymous. That's sort of why I did the Juicy Harvey thing. And so these older people didn't really know who I was, which was great.

Oh yeah. And so they started asking me like, well, you seem younger than how, how are you doing this? And I said, Oh, I come from really rich parents and they just wanted to get rid of me and they sent me on this trip. And they were just, they're all confused. And I was just making up story after story. It was like Charles Darwin.

Yeah. Yeah. And so we do the meet and greet and then off we go to Machu Picchu. Yeah. And have you ever done cocaine? Yeah. Okay. I'd never, I've never done it and I never really did it, but I sort of did it.

Oh buddy, it's great. Well, I'll tell you what you go up to Machu Picchu, which is they worship the sun, and you're at elevation, you can hardly take three steps without needing to catch your breath. And for some reason when they greet you there, there's these old ladies with bald dogs, the dogs have no hair.

Really? Hairless dogs? If you had a Rogaine line for canines, get down there, you'll make a fortune. But they got bald dogs, and they greet you with bags of cocoa leaves. And you're like, what the hell is this? And they go, oh, you put the cocoa leaves in your gums,

it helps your blood circulate and helps with the elevation. Because some people actually get elevation sickness. Yeah. So now I'm up at Machu Picchu, this temple in the skies, up in the Andes, up in the mountains, and the clouds are going by and I can barely breathe and I'm like, you know, when in Rome, gargle or whatever the saying is.

So I start shoving cocoa leaves up into my gums. Yeah. I've never done coke. I brought my sketchbook and here I'm sitting in there's all these bizarre South American insects, like centipedes and millipedes. Here's me with my little sketchbook. I'm tripping on these cocoa leaves in my gums. I look like a baseball player, you know, and I'm sitting in this ancient temple. And I'm sitting in this ancient temple.

And I'm sitting in this ancient temple. And I'm sitting in this ancient temple. And I'm sitting in this ancient temple. And I'm sitting in this ancient temple. And I me with my little sketchbook. I'm tripping on these cocoa leaves in my gums. I look like a baseball player, you know. And I'm sketching these these crazy millipedes. I felt like Alice in Wonderland up there. You can feel it was wonderful. That's the only time I've ever done anything like cocaine or whatever. That's also got to be the most like the way to do it.

The uncut, no baby powder. Not just the raw leaves, I think there are even some inchworm eggs on one of them and I got a parasite. But it was just, it was like beautiful. Damn, did it affect your writing? Your like sketching? Not really, it just made it sort of really fluid and really like, you know, I almost couldn't draw because I get so enamored with the insects.

I was just like, you know, they're crawling around and there's something to be up there when you're like up in some remote place like that. And then it's like where that even the insects become interesting. You're not, you're not. I mean, it's just like, it's so foreign that you're just foreign that you notice it like minutia. Well, not only that, the insects up there are very exotic and weird and huge. They can get really big and colorful

and they almost look like they crawled out of Steven Spielberg's beard or something. They're so like nutty and yeah, or maybe out of his pubis. I don't know where they came from, but. Oh my god, do you have a mini journal? Yeah, I keep it in my pocket usually. But then it's like when I have a note,

I gotta like do it. Except for your smaller ideas? Yeah, and then I transfer them to a bigger notebook when it's a bigger idea. Hold that up, that's the smallest little. Yeah, I just started this one. Mini journal. Tear away pages

Wow For real, it's because I was like texting if I had like a thought but then everyone's like or like writing a note Oh, but then people like are you texting ignoring me? God when I do this, no one thinks I'm being rude I love it mini journal Most kind they're discontinuing these it's killed me. I bought like 200 you did Yeah, they're like, oh, we don't make those anymore. And then every time I'm in a bodega I see I'm like give me all everyone you have. Oh, you must have a lot of small ideas You want one? I'd love one. Okay. I got you a party gift then

All right, let's get back to yeah Track, but it's fucking sweet most guy notebook. I've thanked Moleskine in every special that we've ever done. Wow. Wow. But, I mean, you can literally- I love how we went from Machu Picchu with cocoa leaves in your mouth looking at these exotic insects to, whoa, notebook? Well there's so many.

If you put cinnamon on those and put them in the oven and bake them, you could have a bunch of mini wheats, like cinnamon mini wheats. They're the same shape. Like put some milk on them and get some really good fiber. Cause how many pages are in that? About 50, 40. Oh, you could be like an anus tree, just shitting for hours.

Yeah. So there we go, my guy. Did you have to shit up there? What? Did you have to shit up there? Segway. Oh, at Machu Picchu? Yeah. Are there shippers up there? I, my guy. Did you have to shit up there? What? Did you have to shit up there? Segway. Oh, at Machu Picchu? Yeah, other shitters up there?

I wouldn't dare. They worshiped gods up there. But what do you do if you got tired? They worshiped the sun gods. You don't go manure up there. That's for gods. You don't shit in God country, guy. Do they tell you, like, before we get up there?

You just know. You squat down over a rock or a log up there, you're gonna get hit by lightning. I mean, that's, they went all the way up there to worship the sun. Like you pull down your pants, instant melanoma on your ass, on your nuts, on your mushroom cap. You know, have you ever had melanoma on your mushroom cap?

No. It makes it black. Oh really? That sort of becomes almost a biracial wiener. Maybe that's what happened to Lewis Gomez. His is bi-colored. Is it? Yeah, it's the most interesting dick I've ever seen.

Also, if you don't wanna do the cancer thing, you can slam your wiener in a minivan door and it'll be the most outrageous purples and yellows, almost like when a peacock displays. Uh-huh. I call mine the rainbow warrior after I slam it in a minivan door. After a nice van slam.

But that's. Yeah, you take a lot of shuttles from like some of the festivals they'll pick you up and watch. Oh, at the airport? Yeah. Because they're so boring, the ride to the airport. So if I slam my meat in the mini van door on the way, I can just stare down at it.

And it's almost like looking at a kaleidoscope of, well, if you're gonna laugh, maybe this isn't the travel show for me. No, I was remembering like comedy festivals, sorry. Okay. I was thinking of a Tommy Ternan bit. No, I was remembering like comedy festivals, sorry. Okay. I was thinking of a Tommy Ternan bit. Great, great Dane. Dog species just threw it in for no reason.

Oh, that's good. Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, sir. I'm really sorry. I know you took that time of your day. Sorry I threw a dog species out. All right, so you're right here. What did you do? You just walked around and fucking pelted?

So walked around and it was hard to breathe. You could hardly take any step. And I just doodled. I doodled, tweaked out on cocoa leaves. You got any of the doodles? Yeah, they're at home. I didn't bring them with me. But one thing I do, which you can either say no to

or yes to is when I travel, one of the things they do is I write poetry. I write poems to capture the moment and the emotion and the feeling I'm feeling. And I brought three poems today. We can read none of them or one of them or whatever you want, but I did do one at the end of this trip to encapsulate the whole journey. And if you want later, when we get to the end of the story, I can read it to you or not.

I don't wanna overwhelm. Well, let me think it over. Yeah, think it over. Because I don't know if the audience can handle a poem coming to life. I don't either, I don't either. But let me think about it. First thought, no way.

Yeah. But let me think about it. Yeah, think about it. We gotta factor in the audience here. And you brought the poems. Well, there's three, but one is in particular about this and we can read that or not, or there's three.

It's up to you. What are the other two about? Well, the other one's about the essence of the energy of Africa, which is one of my, which was one of the places. Yeah. And the third one's about the silverback gorillas, which I climbed up the volcano in Rwanda and

had an encounter with a band of silverback gorillas. And it's a poem about the might and the majesty of these great beasts. Hi, everybody. Today's episode of UB Trip is brought to you by Shopify.com. Let them set up your online platform to sell whatever you want to sell. They have stuff that fills out everything. And if you once use Shopify once, it'll just like fill in all the blanks. So you can use it again and not have to take your credit card out in the subway while people

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want to do it? Whatever you want. We can skip over ones if it's too long. No, no, this is the most epic trip I've ever heard of in my life. Isn't it wild? Yeah, this is fucking nuts. We ain't in Bakersfield anymore, gang. From, from. Which camera am I looking at?

Buddy, you can do whichever one you want. If you look at that one, no one will know. Give it a hard look to that camera that won't pick you up right now. Pshh. Oh, if you guys can see that one. Oh, you can see it. It's fucking deep, yeah.

Okay. All right. So next spot, my guy. Wait, so you started in, where is this? Machu Picchu, South America. Machu Picchu, South America. But that's the end. That was our first stop.

Oh, you went from Washington, D.C. down this way. Yeah. Oh, these arrows mean direction. Yeah, that's okay, my guy. Yeah. Sometimes think arrows mean you get hit by a Native American during a war. Oh is there any of that in this trip? It's on the pamphlet. Maybe. Okay so Machu Picchu

Easter Island. Easter Island the second most remote place on the planet it's off of South America somewhere in there but it's so small that you could make you ever pick your nose and flick it or like spit like piece of parsley in your tooth or anything? So you might have done that and hit your map and that could be mistaken for Easter Island. Cause you look like you probably spit around the house. I love the, I'll wipe it underneath tables.

Let it fuck and bring joy to someone later. Boarding school guy. I like, there you go. Let it fuck and bring joy to someone later. Boarding school guy. I like, um. There you go. I like these little islands, if it wasn't marked, they would just be like, how would anyone have ever found it? Right.

You know, like if you're on a map and you know, like if you're on Google Maps, you click on something. And then it's like, I don't know, Cook Island, but then if you like make it go smaller, it's just like, it's gone, it's disappeared. How the fuck would these like, who discovered it? So here we are in a private jet

being served lobster and teriyaki steak and we're flying to the second most remote place in the world, an island the size of one of Pippi Longstocking' ass freckles, and we're approaching on our fuel one of the most violent, darkest-looking storms I've ever seen in my life has encircled the island. And so the pilot comes on and goes, folks, we're low on gas, we're gonna, we can't land, we're gonna we're going to go around in circles for about two hours. And we're just like, well, there's nowhere else to go.

This is the second most remote. Sure enough, this storm doesn't move. It starts to get dark. The pilot comes on. He says, folks, we got no options. We land in the dark in one of the most scary looking storms I've ever seen on an island, no bigger than a zit on Chelsea Clinton's fucking eyelid. I read is nowhere.

How nowhere like we got nowhere to go. We can't even find the Bermuda triangle at this point. If we go down, we might as well be a training bra at the bottom of Dolly Parton's panty drawer. Yeah. How big is this island? Like when you're on it, could you walk across it? You could almost.

I mean, you had to drive it, but it wasn't big. I forget the square mileage. How was the landing? It was terrifying. But it made it. That's what it's all about. I mean, yeah, you're there. There's no like, let's divert to fucking,

sorry, we gotta go back to four hours from here. I asked for adventure and Johnny Tumbleweed got it. So now we land on this place that's a microcosm of our planet. What do you mean? So when Easter Island was created, when it grew out of the sea, it became its own tropical paradise, palm trees, jungles.

It was its own ecosystem. Oh, interesting. It was inhabited by natives who lived there, who got there from the French Polynesian islands, and they settled there. But then eventually the white man cometh, the Dutch landed there. Oh, was it all friendly and cool?

The white people came and sure enough, the whole island was decimated. All the foliage, everything was cut down. This island actually. Just Snickers, Rappers everywhere. Yeah, it had its own species of palm tree called the Easter Island Palm and there was one left and in a show of dominance and superiority, called the Easter Island Palm, and there was one left, and in a show of dominance and superiority, the king cut it down one day to show that he was the leader,

and now it's just a barren, it looks like an empty wheat field, and they don't even have seeds saved from these trees, and so now this is sort of a microcosm of our planet that if you keep pecking away and destroying at it, And so now this is sort of a microcosm of our planet that if you keep pecking away and destroying it, it becomes a wasteland. It's very, a fascinating study in your environment. Fuck. No thanks, I'm busy.

That's disappointing. It is disappointing. And to see that they destroyed it, but meanwhile they had these giant monolithic statues that they destroyed it. But, but meanwhile, they had these giant monolithic statues that they're sort of like the pyramids. They don't know how they moved them around. They don't know how necessarily they, some

people even say they were transported there by UFOs. I don't believe in that, but, but they thought for centuries that it was just the, you know, from the head down to the torso. Yeah, yeah. And then they started excavating and they found out that the whole body was down underground. So they were- Yeah, the way I remember is just those heads. Yeah, but there's a whole, their whole bodies were underground.

So they're three times the size that anybody thought. I stood right there. Oh my God. Yeah. You stood right at the base of it? I stood right in front of that. It felt like I was with my hockey team in high school. But isn't that something?

Wow. And they just stare up, up at the sky. And they're very haunting. Look how big they are compared to the folks. The folks are way close in this one. Yeah, and they're just, they're very enchanting and mysterious. And they're all over the island.

Can you get right up, can you touch one? I went up on that thing and I got admonished. They yelled at me. You're not allowed up on the platform, which I didn't know. So here's me standing with the Stone family and they yelled at me. How big, like if you're on it, getting admonished, I would have done the same thing.

How high up do you get on one? What do you mean? Like if you're touching it, getting admonished, I would have done the same thing. How high up do you get on one? What do you mean? Like if you're touching it, can you reach up and touch his shoulder? Or are you just? No, no, you're down at their belly button. Like you're just like. You're right down there, yeah.

Are you even as big as the mouse here? You could probably get halfway up to the bottom of their hand, I think. If you're standing? Yeah, like maybe to the bottom of the hand. They're huge. Wow. They're huge. Wow. They're huge things.

And they uncovered them all. And they're very mysterious. These are very organized, but what's interesting is they're dotted all over the island. Yeah. They're here, they're there. You could be walking through a field, and all of a sudden there's one by itself.

Then there's like eight or nine of them. They're fascinating. Damn, oh really? They're in separate places. They're all around, yeah. And it's a volcanic island and. How long did you stay there for? Every spot was three.

Three days. Three days. And then you just, before you knew it, you were moving. And it was just like boom, boom. So, there was so much good energy. Wow, how was everybody else on the on the thing? How were they feeling? They were they were good they were they were you know they were older people yeah and what was interesting Ari is is I tried to remain in anonymity mm-hmm and as we started

progressing to all these spots you know we had to move in a group and then once you're in the group you could spike off and go hiking, do your own thing. Or you could stay in a group activity. But we started going to these exotic places like India, Africa, Machu Picchu, Easter Island, and inevitably, everywhere we went, people would walk up to me and go, can we have a picture with you?

And now all the old people are going, we're in the middle of nowhere and all the, they're going juicy. Do you know these people? And I was like, yeah, yeah, they're from my neighborhood. They're old fraud, just a fluke. And everywhere we go, people are asking to take pictures with it. And slowly, but surely when we got halfway around the world, they start figuring out, okay, what's going on with this guy?

Something's going on with the juice. And then they started to figure out. He's got a backstory. Yeah, that's so funny. Boyd Matson, oh damn, that's so funny. How is it when you're, so when you're, like this is when I travel, like one of the best parts is complete anonymity.

Yeah. It's for the first time in a while, there's no one's even looking at you. I'm not famous, but every once in a while it'll take me out of it. Just walking around New York or something. That first half of it must have been just, and also this is the height of 2003.

This is like, something about Mary had just come out recently. All my movies. The TV show. TV show, Dumb and Dumber, my Stormy specials, Baf Baked, Rocket Man, like every, like so people. This was the time. And this was the thing Ari, where I re, this is where I realized the, the power of movies.

You know, when I was in the States, I was like, oh yeah, a kid in Cleveland recognized me at the mall. There's someone after the show wants an autograph. I did not expect to go to Africa and on the doorstep of the Taj Mahal in India, some Indian people recognizing me. Just yelling out six minute abs at you. Yeah, and all the different movies. And I realized the power of the reach that movies have.

It really, it really blew my mind. It was very, and I'm not even a high level celebrity or anything. I'm just a guy who did a few movies, but just in that it was like holy smokes. Yeah, cause TV shows really are just stay regional. Yeah, like unless you're massive like Friends or Seinfeld, but the movies of all things really, wow,

it blew my mind. Yeah, I was in Israel, Groundhog Day came out there. Yeah, but they don't have Groundhog Day. That's not a holiday Yeah, so that it was called. I'll see you again tomorrow Wow, also the name of my last wife That's her full name was she like in some sort of cult now we just got divorced Said I'll see you again tomorrow. I'm like please no. You got it all. Johnny Tumbleweed's got a role. So you stayed there for three days. Is there any place you wanted to stay longer where you're like fuck I'm not done yet. You know it was just the perfect amount and what was great about these organizers at National Geographic, they kept us moving. Like you think three days won't be enough, but

we'd land, we'd get to Tahiti. They go, Hey, you want to go diving? We found a plane wreck. You want to go diving on a sunken airplane? And they're like, yeah, I think I do. So now I'm snorkeling around a sunken plane, you know, or they say you can just stay at the hotel and lounge, whatever you want.

But they always had stuff for us. I had an activity. I'm snorkeling around a sunken plane. You know, or they say you can just stay at the hotel and lounge, whatever you want, but they always had stuff for us. God damn, so fucking cool. After decades of shaky hands caused by debilitating tremors, Sunnybrook was the only hospital in Canada who could provide Andy with something special. Three neurosurgeons, two scientists,

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Hey, no, too basic. Hi there. Still no. What about hello handsome? Who knew you could give yourself the ick? That's why Bumble is changing how you start conversations. You can now make the first move or not. With opening moves, you simply choose a question to be automatically sent to your matches. Then sit back and let your matches start the chat. Download Bumble and try it for yourself. Yeah. So you went from there? Okay. Yeah, so then we went to Tahiti. That's where we did the, uh, we did the snorkeling with the, with the crashed airplane. Oh, you snorkeling with a crashed airplane. Oh, you snorkeled around, it was shallow.

Yeah, it was probably about 25 feet down, but it was haunting and weird and just, you know, the stories that fill your head. Were they drug runners, was it just a guy flying a plane, had an epileptic fit, like did they hit a flamingo or a gay doc, whatever you wanna call it. You could go down and touch it and stuff. It kind of swims through it.

You could swim right down. You could, if you wanted to be an idiot, you could have gotten the cockpit and pretended you were a play pilot and then drowned, but there's something weird about being around an airplane and a school of fish go by, it just doesn't compute. You know, like aeronautics and fish underwater. It's such a, it's such a two opposite worlds. Like aeronautics and fish underwater, it's such a, it's such a, opposing, yeah, it almost makes you have an underwater seizure and want to kill yourself

on a poisonous rockfish. I've done wreck diving, but it makes more sense. You've done erect diving? Yeah, well, yeah, I mean, some of these bodies still there, keep them there, they don't, like disturbance, two people are fucking in a cabin, they're still fucking. They're just all bloated and stuff, but it's still hot. It is hot, I'm not gonna fight you on that.

Yeah, but not on fucking plane. Isn't that wild? Yeah. I mean to see a sunfish flying through a cockpit, it just doesn't make sense. It's like Salvador Lee just went shit on your sister's forehead. Nothing makes sense.

Shrouded in myth and legend, Pappiti's excellent harbor and natural beauty drew many great 18th century explorers, including James Cook, Louis Antoine de Bourgogneville. Never heard of them actually. You know, it's hard to think of the historical aspects of that when you're laying by a modern swimming pool, watching bikini babes and sipping on a margarita. History tends to fuck off the minute you're just lounging at a five-star resort. You don't really care. Bring me another pizza slice, some chicken fingers, and you,

ma'am, snap your thong until it gongs. You know what I'm saying, guy? Oh, go gone. That's right. Dude, I was in French Polynesia, and there was just these mini museums around, like Jimmy Hendrix's first house, and then he'd just go in there, that's in Vancouver. It's just like, oh, it's done bad, but it's supposed to be. So one was notable people that went there.

I mean, a museum the size of this studio. And one was Brando, and talked about how much he got it. And then Go Gone was just this painter who just went full on colonialism, like slaves, child brides, whatever I can do. Beautiful paintings. Did you know his middle name was Going, by the way? Paul Going Gong?

No, Go Going Gone. Oh, I did not know that. Yeah. Okay. He was a sprinter when he was younger. Paul Going Gong. Go, Go, Gong. Paul Going gone. Oh, I did not know that. Yeah. Okay. He was a sprinter when he was younger. Paul going gone. Go, go, gone. Paul going gone.

By the way, Brando, isn't he wonderful? Remember in Apocalypse Now, there's an outtake, a famous outtake. You can watch it on YouTube where he's just in that temple and he's in the shadows and he's wiping the sweat from his bald head and he's improvising and all of a sudden a bug flies in his mouth and he's just improvising. I swallowed a buck. Like it's, it's just a little, it's on YouTube. It's my favorite.

I just love it. Please watch it. Please touch your sister's face while you're watching it. Please watch it and please touch your sister's face while you're watching it. Yeah, it's that for Brando, he was like, I love this place, it turned me around. I thought I could bring them my money, but then I realized I'm taking their joy.

Like, they've got nothing to gain from me. They've got all their fruit they want. Really? And then Gauguin was the opposite. And then it was like Paul Gauguin died, whatever it was, 1836 of misery. He died of misery. Yeah, he was such a drunk fucking cunt.

Wow. Yeah. Isn't it funny how that actress gets around? Misery. Miss Uri? What was her name again? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. misery chick yeah I know she she shot she got to what's his name but how many has she killed how many what was her name Laura Plumpkin or something. You take the ones that are made for garbage detail.

You take the others who are made to think but who can't act. You take... I swallowed a bug. The best. How is that not in the movie? How is it not in the movie? Because he went from like super real to realer. The garbage takers and the,

I swallowed a bug. And this is a guy who liked to eat and he's complaining. Yeah. Like just, what and he's complaining. Yeah. Like just, what hasn't he swallowed? Yeah. Like, I swallowed a golden coral buffet. I just wanted to see plantation. Oh.

What, okay, wow. Okay, so that's Tahiti. Yeah. How was, I mean, what stood out there? That was probably the snorkeling and the lounging. That was more like sort of tropical paradise. And I remember laying between two palm trees and a hammock and just staring out at the rich emerald islands

with the sailboats going by. And it was just like, man. Damn. It took me back to when I was a boy and said I wanna see the world, you know, here I was just swaying in a hammock, the pink golden sky, the golden sun sinking into the sea. God damn it.

It's just like paradise. Little cabana boys sprinkling sawdust on me. They speak French there, it's such a colonial place. It's so clearly remade for helping travelers be luxuriated. I love the French. I remember saying to one of the Cabana Boys, I said to him, I was in a very sullen mood in the sunset,

and I said, Monsieur, Le Papillon mange le covattes sur la table avec le papillon. Où est Pitu dans le school bus? And I don't speak French well but I think I said young boy there's a horse eating a tie on the window, where's Pitu? He's on the school bus. And I remember the boy running away and impaling himself on a marlin. And I felt a little guilty, but fuck him for being in my paradise, that whore. Yeah. I mean that's... I swallowed a chicken finger.

So then they get you on a plane and they're like, let's go. We're done with fucking paradise. We're out of there. Where are we? I forget where we went next. What does it say? Great barrier reef. Oh, the great barrier reef. Where is this? Cairns probably right outside Cairns, Australia. Yeah.

It's off the coast of Cairns. Millions of years in the making. The great barrier reef is a planet's largest structure built by living organisms. This chain of coral community spans over 1,250 miles and there's more than 400 feet thick in some places. You know they say it's the only living thing you can see from space. So when you're up next time if you ever get up in the space shuttle or something if you look down apparently the Great Barrier Reef is the only living entity you can see from

space. Wow. Coral's alive. It is. They said the Great Barrier Reef was dead. And I went and I'm like I know what you're talking about Well what happened is the coral got bleached yeah, and everyone in Australia wanting to be trendy They all went out and got their assholes bleached and so they so they'd fit in when they were swimming

They support the bleacher you bleach your reef you're gonna bleach your asshole. Yeah, it's like those cancer You bleach your reef, you're gonna bleach your asshole. Yeah, it's like those cancer, whatever's. Cancer assholes? No, ribbons. Oh yeah. But this is more hardcore. Aren't ribbons really celebratory though? Do you really wanna slap a ribbon on

when grandpa's in the leukemia ward with tumors on his eyelids? Yay, a ribbon, yeah, shouldn't it be more like, shouldn't we be banging a death knell or saging the room? Like a ram's horn, or something. Yeah, something. Yeah.

Or dressed like Satan and bring a goat's head in, or like, this isn't time for ribbons. No. Tie yellow ribbon round the old, who are you Margaret, you're not my daughter. Yeah. Oh tie yellow ribbon round the old, who are you Margaret? You're not my daughter. Oh, tie a yellow ribbon around the old black lung. He's got three more days. He's whatever, you know. Yeah.

God, I think I smell a country. I don't know where they are. Oh, there we go. Um, damn. So how was the Great Barrier Reef? What did you do? Great Barrier Reef was good, but in previous journeys I had been to more exotic reefs like Fiji and places like that. And the Great Barrier Reef is fascinating, but to be honest, it's a little bleak. It's not as, there's areas of it that are colorful and just like a collage of color, but because it's so massive,

the water's a little bit cooler than you think, and it wasn't quite as overwhelmingly colorful and beautiful, at least I've been there a few times, and I've always found other places to be much more exotic looking underwater. But it's fascinating. It's an interesting take. Yeah.

Did you go from the land out or did you take a boat out around the reef? Yeah, we went from the land and took a boat out and they had an island for us, a five-star resort. They were making lobster for us on the beach. I mean, they went all out. Wow. I hate to say it, but almost,

the thing that stood out in my head more was kind of the lobster on the beach. But I was being an idiot, I thought, oh, I'll go and see the sunset on this little island. And I walked around and I went all the way to the end of the island and I realized the sun goes down a lot faster there than it does, to me it seemed like. Oh, it's so far south.

Yeah, it just went woo. And so I'm on the far side of this island. It's getting dark. I had to run all the way and the sun was gone. I'm scaling down the side of this mountain in the dark trying to get back to the lobster dinner like before the stars come out. It was scary.

It was one of the scariest lobster dinners I've ever pursued. So the Berry Ro root was great, but you know, I've done I've dove in more exotic spots interesting Yeah, some of it too. It's like if it's the size of it. That's the thing It's like well, you can't get it. You can't get the size while you're just in front of like one little area The Grand Canyon you just go to the Grand Canyon you look at it and go. Okay, let's go to the snack bar Like it's so massive. Yeah, like what goes for a hundred miles. Can I see the hundred miles from right now? Bingo. Yeah. Yeah.

It almost pisses you off. I was angry. Yeah. That they brought me there. And that's all you went to in Australia? Yeah, that was it. That was the Great Barrier Reef. This is such an interesting tour because it really is just for these amazing sights. Amazing. There's no like, let's hang out, see some coffee shops, go to some bars. No, it was all high-end exotic, like just, and you know, like I said, every few days you're like boom, boom, boom. Unreal.

Wow. Wow. Okay. Angkor Wat. Fucking goddamn, this is a good trip. Holy God. This is the place where the giant roots come out of the temples, and there's forgotten temples in the jungles of Cambodia. They still haven't found them all. They say there could be hundreds more buried.

They go overhead with like, now with like mapping, like whatever mapping. Thermal imaging. like now with like mapping, whatever. Thermal imaging. They find that they, yeah. Now Angkor Wat, this place here, unbelievably ancient, stunning, and one of my favorite memories is there's actual Cambodian monks walking around. It still functions as a spiritual and religious temple. And there'd be these bald monks, little

clusters of them walking around in orange robes. Boom time. There's, there's some, and I'll never forget. I was in the middle of, of, um, Angkor Wat in that temple and about seven or eight of them came up and surrounded me. And they started reading, they started reading like these sort of

life prophecies like. At you? Yes. Yes, it was wonderful. And they're like, if the flower blossoms in the night, the moonlight will take you on your journey. Like these weird, and I just felt like the dumb American Canadian guy. And so I'm not even joking. They were just standing there looking at me and I started singing Dust in the Wind by Kansas. And I just started going, dust in the wind, I close my eyes, only for a moment then a moment's gone. Dust in the wind.

And they were just mesmer, I mesmerized them back. That's the perfect song. It's the perfect. Kansas has two hits and that's one of them. And they're like legitimate Hall of Fame hits. Yeah, and I was gonna do Carry On My Wayward Son, but I didn't think they'd get the head banging cause they were bald and they couldn't.

It does go, it's halfway through, it starts to pick up. Yeah, yeah. But if you could have turned them out though, get them from Dustin the Wann to Karen the Wired Son and then once they go, they just start fucking, missed opportunity for sure. And maybe even dip into some Back in Black by ACDC or Thunderdome.

Then just go genre, you're saying. But it was fascinating, they were literally sort of, I drew them into this song, and they were literally sort of like just transfixed. They did it to me, and I did it to them. Were they, for real, they were just like listening to you? For real, I'm not even kidding, they were just kinda like, I don't think they'd had anyone ever sing at them before,

and I think they had obviously limited English, but somehow I was being very sincere with it. I wanted to give them something back because it was such a mystical place. And so the lyrics of Dust to the Wind, if you ever read them, they're very, none of our money matters, none of our time here matters. We're just dust in the wind.

Yeah, we are, we're temporary. We're temporary. What is this, is it Buddhist? What is it. Yeah, we're temporary. We're temporary. What is this, is it Buddhist? What is it? Yeah, I think it's Buddhist there, yeah. And so it was just the perfect thing. No, no, no, I mean, it was Kansas Buddhist. I think they were booed a few times,

but then they got a few more hits and they really picked it up. Wow, look at them, jeez. Yeah. Maybe they're Satanists. Oh yeah, maybe they're Satanists. Yeah, like, read some of those lyrics. I close my eyes only for a moment and then the moment's gone. All my dreams pass

before my eyes. A curiosity. Dust in the wind. All they are is dust in the wind. Same old song. Just a drop of water in an endless sea. I mean this is mushroom fucking Buddhist talk. All we do crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see. Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind. And here's the part I sang, I think, read that one. Now don't hang on, nothing lasts forever, but the earth, except the earth and the sky, and it slips away, and all your money won't another minute buy, whoa, damn.

These guys almost shit their turbines or whatever. All your money. They're road. I mean this is all they're fucking talking about. They didn't even need to go to monk school for their whole lives. They could have just listened to Kansas. Everything is dust in the wind.

Everything, everything. You gotta listen to this on mushrooms next time I do mushrooms. Released 1977, man it held up. I mean, those monks should have just packed it up and, and you try to follow Kansas on the road. Go to Lilith Fair or something. I went to Lilith Fair two years in a row.

Really? How were the outhouses? They were lacking to be honest. It was mostly, it was the first time I've seen more women bathrooms than men. They were giving out condoms and everyone was passing by laughing at them. It was one of those like public health thing. And then they're like, you guys need this. And then everyone was passing by laughing at them. It was one of those public health things. And then they're like, you guys need this.

And everyone's like, we don't. I was there the year they were giving out IUDs. Oh really? I tried to put one in and it killed me. I almost had to leave the, I almost had to walk out of the Sarah McLaughlin segment. Yeah, IUDs nuts. My name is Luca.

I shit on the seventh floor, whatever it is. So yeah, that was that was quite anger wad and the the temples with the giant roots. You see the trees coming out of it. Oh, unbelievable like Laura Croft Tomb Raider. Yeah, it really feels like Tomb Raider. There's a few places I've been it feels like that that is the spot. I'll tell you Ari. It really shows you how in control nature is. I mean, these roots are seven feet wide and they're just, they're bursting out of ancient temples,

out of the doorways, they're cracking the structures open. They're just, I mean, that whole place is just so mystical and beautiful Yeah, amazing. Did you do you have pictures of these places? Yeah, was it digital era or not? it was just at the edge of it so one of the guys one of the oldies on the trip had a digital camera and Is how the trees were like growing really out of the stone. They're growing right out of the structures, over them, through them. I mean, just a testament to the willpower of nature. Yeah, and you'll be in one of those. And then it's just the tree goes from inside,

just out, and it's massive. It goes so fucking high. Yeah, and there's some shots where the roots are coming right out of the doorways. Like, it's just unbelievable. Like, look at this. Wow. They're just consumingways. It's just unbelievable, like look at this. They're just consuming them. It's like lava flowing down, but how many years did it take for that tree for root to find

where it was headed? Yeah, it just so reminds you that nature is in charge and no matter what we do, just like Kansas said, we're just a popcorn fart in the wind. What was the lyric? Dust in the wind, I believe. Sorry, sorry. Yeah, no, I don't apologize, I wasn't in the band. Okay.

Do you know how this was discovered? Anchor what? Yes, I know the story, but I forget it. I think some guy stumbled on it, actually. It was a jogger, a British jogger who was just out and like I'm gonna take a hike among the monkeys and stuff and he found it he like what the fuck is it and he went through and he found it and he thought it was an abomination and he didn't tell anybody he goes no one should know

about this thing it's so anti-christian that nobody should know about it. Oh wow he's a religious jogger. Yeah yeah. Running for for Christ. Running for, not from Christ. Right, right. And then like 10, 20 years later, some explorer found, like this is amazing, and the guy's like, oh no, I found that, that's bullshit, don't tell anybody about that place. He goes, no, I think I'm gonna tell like a lot of people.

Yeah, oh, it's stunning. And the guy's like, please don't tell anybody. He goes, yeah, I'm gonna tell people. Yeah. Well, what's amazing is you'll see the statues, they're called the four faces and they have a statue that has four faces that face every direction on a lot of the temples.

So they're all seeing. Oh. And it's really fascinating and mystical. You see, there's four faces facing in each direction. And these are, it's not just one, they're everywhere. And if you look at the walls of the temple, you'd think they would just be a facade of rock or stone. But if you zoom in on the walls of the temple,

they're the most intricate carvings you've ever seen of thousands of depictions of wars and historical moments in Cambodian culture. Look at the intricacy of these. Look at, these tell stories, they're like modern or historical cave paintings, but carved in stone. Intricate, unbelievable, on all the temples. You can't even get your head around it.

And what do we have? Public television. We just had a flat thing. So this is on these fucking massive structures. Look at this, these are carved into the side. What does it tell about history and stuff? Yeah, it tells the story of the tribes, of the royalty, of the religious aspects of it. Like, oh my God, you can't even take it all in. Sunrise sunset, photographic story. Oh no, it's a different thing.

And they're everywhere. They're on every building, every structure. So it's just kind of like a big scroll like a structure of scroll Yeah, and and there's endless buildings and like I said, apparently there's all kinds of temples that they haven't even discovered yet Which seems weird. How could they say that if they're gonna get to them? Yeah, how can they say they haven't? Yeah,? Well, we haven't discovered about 400 temples yet. Okay, there, Forecaster Franny, whatever his name is. Yeah, it's not that. But look at that, you know? And what do we have here in America?

Chuck E. Cheese. We jump around, we got a rat eating pizza with fly eggs on it, and they got this. Yeah, this is a decent angle on it. We got the Cheesecake Factory. So it's just got this. Yeah, this is a decent angle on it. We got the cheese cake factory. So it's just like this long, long wall of just like story, of carved story. It's just, it's a mind blower, man.

And these are the things when I was a little boy, I wanted to expose myself. I knew these adventures, these beautiful things existed in my home in different rooms. And so these are the things I encourage everyone to get out and they touch you, they deeply affect you, they stay with you. They're so prolific and they're so intricate

and they hold so much essence that they, just by default, they stay within your spirit. They're amazing. God damn. Yeah, well it's not blasphemy. Oh yeah, good point. Yeah, some chicks got in trouble for taking their tits out here.

I remember some German chicks that were like showing tits in different places and they were like, no, it's just like a joke and they're like, no, no, but it's a deeply religious site to us. Like, no, no, it's a joke. They're like, no, not to us. Yeah, yeah. This is really shitty. Oh, I think they made a show on their ass like, no, not to us. Yeah, yeah. This is really shitty.

Oh, I think they might either show on their ass. The detail doesn't really matter. Das ist ein Milchjagens. Or whatever. Yeah. I don't speak German. I think you do. Was that it?

Yeah. Das ist ein Milchjagens? Yeah. Okay. Thank you, De Vrij. Milken, Milkenjagens. Das ist ein Milkenjagens. De Vrij's still around.

It is for me. I take a night school German class. Das ist ein Milken Juggens. God damn, so you stayed here for three days and just hopped around the end course? Went all around there, like just. Did you stay in Siem Reap or did you stay, do you remember? Did I do what?

Did you stay in the town right there, Siem Reap? I can't remember, but we had to take a little bit of a journey to get there. But what they did, again, I hate to, but this was part of the fun of it. They had us in these beautiful resorts, like five star resorts with pools. So when you weren't doing this, you were, and this is why I was saying, the price tag on this, it was ridiculous. Like, I don't mean to flaunt it or be Mr. Lavish, but they offered it and I took my hard earned money.

You know, I'm just not like Mr. Rich Guy, let's do it. Like, I had to take a calculated risk and go, man, this is worth my money that I've worked so hard for. So. Yeah. And what's funny, they've since, like. 59,000 in today's money. Well, National Geographic, as far as I know,

doesn't do this anymore. Oh, fuck, cause I legitimately. But other companies do it. I think a place called Travcoa, and they've sent me pamphlets since. $200,000, $180,000. Like I think they messed up. I think they did it and said, this is a lot of money.

Let's see if people do it. I did it and after that they went, oh my God, we sold out like that. And then they just cranked it up and I realized I probably got the trip of a lifetime. Like my hand was halfway to the garbage can and I ended up singing to monks and Angkor Wat and letting them really know they gotta start buying

some Kansas albums. God damn, that's so fucking cool. Isn't that wild? What did your family and friends say when you said you were doing it? They couldn't believe it. They were like, wait, what, where? And it was just like, no one could believe it.

Cause I mean, also like, this is like, any one of these things is like I'm going to Southeast Asia just to see Angkor Wat. On it's own. It's a fucking 15 day trip but that's the one spot I'm saying I'm going to check it off my list. I'm going to Australia while I'm there. Maybe I can like get to the Great Barrier Reef. That's it.

That's the only one you do on that trip. Well here's the other thing. It was so well planned. Never get to Easter Island. Ari, this is what they did. They had 75 of us. Yeah. And it was so well organized. At the beginning of the trip, they took all our passports, all our luggage.

We would get through an airport, 75 of us, faster than if I did it on my own. They'd open a special thing for us. A private jet. And in some countries, they even open special airports for us instead of going into the, they let us land at military airports where there's nobody and just so,

it was like a dream, it was crazy. Oh my God. Yeah. So I'm not sure where we went next. What does it say? Do you remember? Okay, Cambodia, was it India? It was Kathmandu and then India, yeah, but pretty much same, same. Oh yeah.

These are real close to each other, but Nepal to India. Nepal, Nepal was, we went to a place Ari called the Tiger Tops Lodge in the shadow of the Himalayan mountains. Well, just so you know, Nepal is a land of sharp contrasts. Yeah. Well, thank you for saying that. And this from a guy with an arts and crafts background. I love to hear about sharp contrasts.

Yeah, well, I got the crafts major, and then somebody's like, just get the arts. And I was like, oh yeah, get the arts. Yeah, and if you go to Taco Bell, you might even get the farts. Well, he set it up, guy. We are a team here today, right? Yeah, we're a team.

But we go to this place called the Tiger Tops Lodge. It's one of the last places on the planet where you can see wild tigers in their environment, where it's not like all kind of cagey or like a protected park. It's one of the last pieces of wild land. So we go and we go on safari, but not in a Land Rover. We go on the backs of elephants. No fucking way. We go on the backs of elephants.

There's this nine foot tall safari, or tiger grass they call it, elephant grass. And we go out, is that the Tiger Tops Lodge? Yeah. And we go on safari on elephant back looking for wild tigers. It was unbelievable. Were elephants just around? Is that the Tiger Tops Lodge? Yeah. And we go on safari on elephant back looking for wild tigers. It was unbelievable.

Were elephants just around? No, they had them there. They had like a little stable of their own elephants and there's wild rhinos, there's tigers, there's leopards. And we were going through rivers on the back of these elephants. We were going through this grass. Oh my God, and the tigers don't attack you?

Well, the elephants are so big. There are documented, there's videos of people. Yeah, there's that one of that guy trying to push them off with a stick as that tiger just gets up and slashes his hand off. Yeah, I mean, they will, but the elephants are so big. We never saw a tiger, but we did see a wild leopard. We got a wild leopard right beside.

Whoa. I got lucky, it was in a tree. It, we got a wild leopard right beside. I got lucky. It was in a tree. It jumped down into this nine foot grass. No one knew where it was. I looked down the side of my hulking elephant. He's right at my elephant's feet, hiding in the grass, looking up at me. And he goes, and I was the only one that got this. It was like, it was amazing. Yeah. Here's's that the tiger comes running out. I mean, because it's the high grass. Well, this grass looks even shorter. The grass we were in was almost nine feet high.

Look at that. Oh, do you see the aftermath of that guy? His hand, his whole hand is. Yeah, it looked like he barely touched him, but he was like, oh, yeah. I mean, he sees him coming a second out and he's like well I gotta like... look at that. I'll add the noise. Oh, fuck asshole. Yeah. His hands gone. Yeah, he just shredded it. So you didn't see any tigers?

We didn't, but we saw that leopard, which was wild. I wish we saw tigers, but one of the highlights, all right, so we're out. They go through the grass and into the jungle. We go into the jungle and in that region, monsoon thunderstorms erupt out of nowhere, right? So we're in the jungle, a monsoon rainstorm explodes, and the elephants ain't having it.

They don't like it. They don't like the thunder, the thunder's smashing, the lightning's crackling, the wind comes up. Now we're like the thunder, the light, the thunder's smashing, the lightning's crackling. The wind comes up. Now we're in the jungle. The trees are blowing leaves every the elephants are like, uh, they start charging. They say, forget the guy on the back with the

stick. So now they're charging back to the lodge. We're like flying rain drenched. It's flying in my thunder lightning. I'm flying through. One of the elephants literally grabbed a tree and pulled it down. It was amazing. Wow. Yeah, it was just unreal. Yeah. I mean, grab my sister's face and slam it into a radiator.

God damn it. Yeah. That's so fucking cool. It was dramatic. it was wonderful. It just felt dangerous. It felt dangerous, but all the elements and the thunder's loud. I mean, this is like, we're in Nepal and it's tropical,

it's sticky, and these giant billowy clouds just kind of form out of nowhere, and the elephants like... They just, there's a bolt, they're just like, uh-uh, it took off. They instinctively like, we're getting back to, cause they had like a covering, an enclosure back at the lodge where they were housed, like a stable.

Yeah, who wants to get wet? And they're like, we're not getting hit by lightning. You imagine a lightning hit elephant meat? Yeah, no. That'd be like a Night of Burger King with the janitor. Spooning. In what way? Well, with the cheese slices.

Did you go to any religious stuff in Nepal? Didn't go to religious stuff in Nepal, but now we get to India. And we go to the Taj Mahal, which was a, which was amazing. I didn't, I didn't realize this was a shrine built by a prince for the love of his wife. He built this marble castle as a testament to their love. God damn, I just get flowers. Right?

She should learn to carve some marble, guy. But here we are at this beautiful temple, and I got pictures of it, maybe I can send them to you. Yes, send it to me. Send me all this shit. We were standing there and in this beautiful testament to love and the grounds are most eloquently manicured and there's Indian people and tourists and this one Indian guy, I think picking your nose in India isn't a thing, like it's not taboo.

Oh. And there was a man there with his family and I think he might've gone like this far down and he was just digging, I almost saw the top of his skull popping. He was like just digging for a good six minutes. Early COVID test. And his kids are just skipping around them

like it's some kind of Mayflower Festival. And I said, screw the Taj Mahal. I was taking pictures of this guy. I'll send you the pictures. I got about nine pictures where he's just digging for gold. I mean, he got so deep, there was probably Frankenberry up there. Like, unreal.

His nostril was stretched out like a porn star after a night on Bakersfield you know unreal what a great memory of Taj Mahal oh it was wild it was wild yeah so but beautiful stunning place and then just in the middle of the mix they go hey anyone want to fly around Mount Everest today? We're like, what do you mean? Well, we've rented a small plane. Who wants to fly around the top of Everest?

And I was like, so now just. That's one of those just like, the activities they had, like you can do it if you want, the bonus stuff. I was like, yeah. So now I didn't have to waste all that time and money climbing the whore. Daddy just flies around it in about 12 minutes and I got the bragging rights.

In fact, I was higher than the stupid climbers. Fuck Everest and his goddamn helper. I was looking down, spinning. Turns ice on the way down, really hurt people. Icycle right in the neck, rolled down. Did you see any dead bodies up there? I didn't see any dead bodies, I wish, I love those. That's my favorite thing about those,

when somebody dies, you're like, well, we can't get you down. We're barely getting down ourselves. And they just slide by, I always think of Dionne Warwick, slide on by, do do do do, slide on by. You know, you see the corpses slide by going down Everest. You think that was what she was singing about? No, but I just changed the lyric because it, you know.

Walk on by. It's walk on by. Yeah, yeah, I knew something was off. Something felt off when you were singing that, but I was like, wait, is it slide on by? Well, when you're on Everest and a corpse, like some businessman from like, you know, Cambodia or somebody, slide on by.

from like Cambodia or somebody. Slide on by, da da da da, slide on by, da da da da, sorry. That's all right, no we need some music on this. I know but we had the Kansas and the. Yeah you gotta have, if you're gonna have white you gotta have black. Yeah, just like penis with the cancer. Yeah, yeah right.

So how long you staying in, did you have, do you eat like local food in these places? Local food and they had the, you know, took us to the best restaurants, best food. I mean, it was just, it just didn't stop. I keep going back to how cool the trip is to then the bargain of the trip. The bargain, yeah.

And the services they provided and it was just like crazy. Just a trip around Mount Everest. Yeah, we just, hey, just out of nowhere. Anyone wanna, they got us a small little plane, charted it around, we fly around the top of Everest. Something I never thought I'd see. Yeah, that's not even on the itinerary going in. It wasn't even on the itinerary,

just like the diving with the sunken airplane. It's like that was a, every day they just throw stuff at us. Yeah, you wanna do this? Yeah, okay. God damn. Why not? What stood out in the Taj Mahal besides the nose picker? I think it was the nose picker guy.

That's fair, that's fair. Like the beauty and the majesty of it, like it's just, it's stunning. What a dichotomy. Well the fact that it's based. I think Nepal's a land of sharp contrast, but you have the beauty of this with the fucking horror of the nose pick. I see India is a sharp contrast place.

And I think one of the standout things about the Indian people, they were, there was such a beauty to the Indian people. They live a lot of India is very impoverished and we'd walk the streets and you'd see the people, I'm not even joking Ari, I'd see a child and a dog and a pig eating in a ditch together. Like it was that, it could be that drastic at times. They didn't have a lot, but in their eyes Ari was this contentment, this fulfillment, this joy, and I looked in those people's eyes, the people in the public, and I go,

I don't even see this light in the eyes of people who have it, who are doing well in other civilized, you know, more prosperous, you know, places like in America, there was a real inner beauty, a real inner light where it almost felt like they didn't know what they didn't have. So it didn't matter. They were just happy to be alive. And I think, I think in the Hindu culture, the Hindu religion, they also believe that,

that the worse it is in this life, the better it is in the next life. The more suffering you have in this life means you'll have it better in the next life, which I... So there's like joy to suffering. Yeah, which I don't be awesome, which I don't like really, but, but whether that was, you think it's not true, but if it were true, it'd be like, Oh, that's going to be great.

Then. Yeah. I'd go out and hit myself in the face of that brick in about half an hour. But, but there was a sadness to it, but there was a real, um, there was a real beauty to it because I could see that they, in a way they were unaffected by it. And it was really wonderful to see humans with such, they just look at you and there was a real joy in their eyes, you know?

Yeah. Which is something that's missing from cultures like ours that are prosperous and we can go out and have whatever we want or with a phone call we can order a steak, you know? And you just get so used to it, it's like what? But they were really, there's a real soulful contentment and just a real beauty and I couldn't stop looking

in their faces and they, just, it was wonderful. And these are part of the things that you learn culturally and learn about the world when you do go out and travel. You take away these things and it's very profound and beautiful. Yeah, with this amount of time too, how many times have you just kind of like had those moments where you're like kind of like sort of see your own reality through another person? Yeah, it's important. For me, it, it, it had a deep impact on me spiritually, emotionally in my life. What do you mean?

Well, it just makes you grateful for what you have and it, it makes you realize that, that nothing really matters, but, but you're nurturing your soul and, and, and, and, and making sure you're, you're spiritually content and that you have a grasp of the real world versus just material things, which are nice to have too. But I don't know. These people were locked into a more spiritual level, I believe. How long did that last after you got back?

That still still with me. Yeah? Oh yeah. I mean I already had a very, sort of a deep spiritual connection to the world and that was part of my catalyst for wanting to see it because I do feel a connection to seeing and experiencing the world, but those people who had so little,

it was really amazing and beautiful to see. It's to see them happy in the face of that. Yeah. Yeah. Or naive to it. I don't know what they were, but something within them shone out of them and it was really moving. Yeah.

It is interesting when you don't know what you're missing. Like you're just not aware that that's even possible. You're not aware. And so the fact that they were there alive and, and the existing and that, that seemed that there was a simplicity and a beauty in that, that my agent got me tickets to a festival once I needed tickets was sold out. And I was like, yeah, I just, I just need to get in. And he was like,

I'm going to get you VIP. He was me in three, like norm core people. I'll get you VIP, whatever. Let me see if I can do it. I'm like, no, no, we don't need that. And he's like, no, no, it's better and he was like, I'm going to get you VIP. He was me and three like norm core people. I'll get you VIP, whatever. Let me see if I can do it. I'm like, no, no, we don't need that. And he's like, no, no, it's better. I'm like, no one knows that even exists among those friends. So like they're not looking for it. If you can just get face value tickets, we're going to be stoked. Yeah. No one's like, what the fuck? Yeah. Like unaware things exist, makes it a lot nicer. Make life easier sometimes.

Just be happy with what you have, not don't be mad or upset about what you don't have. Yeah, is this caviar from Finland? I said health-sake-y specifically. You hear it all the time, especially at the food courts. Of course people get upset about the caviar. I went to Panda Express once and I threw a spring roll right through a man's forehead.

I was so upset. Didn't give me enough dipping sauce. That pink neon. Did he spiral it? I just did a flip like an ax throw. So it went right in. Right in his forehead. Dead before he hit the ground.

Read a fortune cookie over his corpse and got over to Orange Julius, got a nice foamy one and fucked off home. Oh, if you're gonna laugh, maybe this isn't a podcast for me. When I feel sad, I laugh sometimes. Fair enough, guy. Yeah, it's not the reaction I'd want, but it's just what happens.

It's okay. They told me my father killed my mom and both my sisters. Yeah, my first reaction was laughter. I owed one of them 20 bucks, so it might have been associated with that too. Like that was that debt. That debt was unpaid. What I took away from that story is nowadays

when men seem so effeminate and emasculated, you had a real like man, man, dad. For him to just take out the family and not take any bull, like just. Yeah, yeah, exactly, by example, lead by example. What a dad. Yeah, don't take no guff is what he didn't say, but like that's what I took.

Wow, beautiful. Wow, love it. Yeah, love't take no guff is what he didn't say, but like that's what I took. Wow, beautiful. Wow, love it. Yeah, love you mom. Okay, so that. Are we getting bored? I don't wanna like. No, buddy, we're not getting bored. Is this getting too long?

No, it's just fucking sick. It'll be longer than most episodes, but it's worth it. Oh, geez. It's not like we're just meandering for no reason. You literally have an itinerary. Okay, but I don't. That we kinda have to get to. We can skip some places if you want. No, we're halfway through already. Okay. Oh and by the way, there's three on the end that we didn't go to because the

Volatility in the Middle East cranked up so we didn't get to Egypt the lost city of Jordan or Istanbul they refunded us a little bit of the money because of that was when the I ran Are you just saying that to make this podcast shorter? No, that's for real. Really? Yeah Petra that was the only place where there's two is is in yeah Petra Istanbul and the pyramids Yeah, which was a bummer because I really wanted to see the pyramids

But I won't I went back later to the pyramids, but I went back later to the pyramids, but I'll tell you that another day. Yeah. Wow, that's interesting. They were just like, hey, we just can't. We can't because of the danger. 2003, I think around then. There was some kind of like a.

They were killing tourists for a while in Egypt. Yeah, it got hot. We don't want outsiders. They thought there was gonna be another Iran-Iraq war or something, so they had to cut it off. Damn, okay. But okay, you remember you went after So they had to cut it off. Damn. Okay. But okay, you remember you went after Taj Mahal? Was it Africa?

Yeah. Oh man, dude. Probably. Did you catch some rays down in Africa? That's what I thought the song was until last week. Oh really? Yeah, the Toto song? Yeah, it's so sunny.

I caught some rays. I catch the rays down in Africa. How are you so tan? Because. I caught the rays down in Africa. How come you're about to die in three days? I caught the rays down in. Ha ha ha.

What is the actual lyric? I. The rain. Yeah. I caught the rain. Yeah, something like that. I catch, yeah, I catch the rain yeah something like that I catch yeah I catch the rain yeah but there's no isn't there aren't they in a drought maybe that's what it's about the rain in Africa so much better it rains here in New York people like oh it's fucking raining Africa like yeah yeah although Chicago

did a nice song to the New York rain. It's another rainy day in New York City. I remember that one. La la la la la. Just another rainy day. Just well. That's a good song. That's Chicago? Yeah.

I bless the rains down in Africa. I bless the rains. OK. Suddenly they're religious. I bless the rain. I bless the rain. in Africa. I bless the rains. Okay, suddenly they're religious. I bless the rain, I bless the rain. It's funny, they wrote this all-time song, 1982. It's been around for 42 years. And you didn't know.

Yeah, and it really didn't really. Yeah, me neither. And I didn't really care, to be honest. Yeah, not well-written. Now, anyone out there blessing rain? I bless the rains? Yeah, what the fuck is that even supposed to mean? Who the hell are you, God?

Why don't you go talk to Rosanna and fucking rewrite that shit? Yeah, go pick your nose at a fucking train station in fucking New York. Yeah, but you went to Victoria Falls. Oh, was this the last spot? Well. I think it was.

So you missed Cairo Luxor, you missed Petra, and you missed Istanbul. Yeah. Then London would be the last spot. No, London was just our flying in and out point. So Africa was the last spot. Wait, so did you fly from London to DC? Or did you start in DC?

Yeah, we flew from London and then to DC. We started in DC and then till. And then ended in London. Yeah, and then. And then they're like, goodbye, see you, stay in London. They don't fly you home. No, you have to get yourself to London and DC. Interesting.

But Africa was amazing. In what way? I almost named this podcast, it was amazing. Cause everyone who comes home from any trip, like how was it, like it was amazing. It's the word everybody uses. Oh, it's so wonderful. There's no other word.

Maybe I'll go, then to be different, I'll say it was splash-tacular. I mean, it was chocolate milkshake mania. But what happened is we land in Africa. We went to several different countries. I can't remember which ones. But we ended at Victoria Falls. Oh, you did go to several countries in Africa?

Yeah I think we went to two because we're right on the border so I think we went to two or three but I think it was just two. Where's Victoria Falls what country? That's what I can't remember that Africa is confusing to me because there's so many countries it's like if you took all the states and shook them up in a, you know, like a martini thing and just, they all come out wrong. Zimbabwe. But so right. This one, no.

Victoria falls. Yeah, maybe it was Zimbabwe. So we land there, Ari. We land on at an airport and I think it was one of those private ones again. This trip is so fucking cool. We land on the on at an airport and I think it was one of those private ones again This trip is so fucking cool Yeah, it's so cool and we get out and and it was one of those ones because it was a private airport We got out and we landed and we walked out of the plane onto the tarmac. Okay So I'm a white kid from Canada. Okay, I'm an Irish French Canadian white kid from Canada. I Walked down the plane. I'm standing Irish, French, Canadian, white kid from Canada. I walked down the plane, I'm standing on the dark continent for the first time in my life, and Ari, as God as

my witness, this feeling washed over my whole being, my whole spirit, and the voice in my head just went, I'm home. It almost gives me goosebumps to say it. I wasn't planning anything. I just stepped out on the ground and my whole body, my brain just went, I'm home. And I'm like, you know, they say Africa is the cradle of civilization, you know, the birthplace of man. And I don't know if that has anything to do with it, but I've never been anywhere else.

And this was after going, this was our last stop. Were you always taken from African culture, with African culture or something? No, I just, I was just, it was just another culture like any other culture, but somehow when I stepped on the ground here, I had this overwhelming feeling wash over me that was unexplainable. And it was very beautiful.

And from there we went to Victoria Falls. Did you cry it all on this trip? I almost did and I'm gonna tell you it leads into the poem if you wanna hear it at the end. I think, you know what, I've started to sway a little bit. It's up to you. I made about 60, 40 against right now, but it started at a hard like 80 20 and probably

that 20 was like let me humor him. I don't want to hear it but I understand I I might have probably 60 40 against now you're making headway I say the Moe has changed. Anyway, go ahead. So we go over to place called Victoria Falls which is this massive pitch in Niagara Falls, but with jungle around it. Whoa. Huge, massive.

I think it's even wider than Niagara Falls. There's a picture of it. You can hike down, you can stand in the mist. There's jungle. You're in Africa. You stand in the mist? Like in that shit? Yep, you go down by the bottom,

the mist is washing over you like a priest baptizing a legless baby. Yeah. God damn. That's a side one. That's a side one, yeah, it's just massive. Oh my God. Yeah.

And so now our resort is right on the shore of this, like you look out your window and you're almost right over the falls. We're right on the shore of this. I don't know if they made a real estate mistake, but it's right there. So we go to this thing and from there we go on safari. For the first time in my life, I get exposed to wild African animals and our Land Rover gets charged by a giant bull elephant, we see lions, we see water buffalo,

we see all these incredible animals but one thing I realized about Africa at this point is I'm a nature guy. I love nature. Okay. I've been around nature. I've been a forest ranger. I've done all kinds of things in my life. But this is a place Ari, when you go on safari and you go out into that domain,

you feel this energy where the first time in my life I felt like as a man, as a human, I was part of the food chain. Like when you get out of that Land Rover, you're no longer like a guy, you're not a man, you're not a citizen, you're in the food chain. And there's so much electricity out there that every animal, every creature, if they take a right or a left, it determines whether they live or die that day. And the creatures that can kill, the predators,

the dichotomy, the flow, it's like nothing you'll ever experience. If there's one thing I can tell you for your travel show is anyone who gets a chance to do a safari in Africa, do it, it's unbelievable. Really? Unbelievable. I follow that Nature is Metal Instagram account.

Okay. And it's just like an animal killing another animal. Or a deer getting caught in a crag and dying, whatever. But that is what hits me, it's like, there's a skunk that gets attacked by, it's like you just went the wrong way that day. That's it. And then they're like, oh you're near a bearunk gets attacked by, it's like you just went the wrong way that day. That's it. And then they're like, oh, you're near a bear

on a hungry day. And then he's just gonna kill you. But they're all just out there all the time. Like unprotected. Like the odds in North America of running into a jag, to a mountain lion or a bear, your odds of being killed in nature by another creature go way down.

Even to see that goes way down. When you're on safari, every time you turn your head, you have a chance at seeing whether it's a black mamba biting a lion or a hippopotamus attacking a gazelle, whether it's a pride of lions taking down a buffalo. It's just like, it's electric. Are you in cars at this point? You're in a Land Rover, yeah.

Land Rover. Open or? It's open like it's it's electric. Are you in cars at this point? You're in a Land Rover. Yeah Open or it's open. Yeah, I read somewhere that the reason the Lions don't attack the Whatever is they see the the vehicle itself and not what's inside. It's all connected Yeah, that's not my food. But if you step out like well, where this food from yeah They wouldn't let us we got to step out once and it was right by a river bed where you could see everything. So they had a good sight line. But everything, those lions are so stealthy,

they blend in so well to the golden grass. But even just stepping out, knowing we were kind of in a safe spot, it was nerve wracking. Like you were like, whoa, like you're looking around. It's just, it's amazing. And, and then we were, you know, another thing they just threw in one day, they said, Hey, anyone want to go for a helicopter ride over, over the, you know, the safari area? And I go, I'll go in. So, so I'm in a helicopter for the first time with one of those bubble domes where it's all glass. Just me in a helicopter, we're flying over rivers,

we're seeing hippopotamuses underwater, we're seeing elephants charging across the plains, we're seeing herds of animals. It was just like, that was just another throwaway thing. You know? Oh my God. Wow. And so. And so you're just around these animals, you know? Oh my God. And, wow. And so.

And so you're just around these animals, you're just like driving through them to like where they're hanging and lounging. Yeah, you just go on dirt roads and if you can, I previously, since then I went on safari again. When I was with this group, they had about 12 or 13 in each rover. But when I went again by myself,

if you can get a Rover on your own, it's so much better because you're not dealing with the chatter and the cameras. So the more you can have it on your own and even go off-road, if you go to a more exclusive place, they'll go off-road where you're not on the roads and you see even more. And that's just up to the guide?

That's up to the lodge you go, to the people. So if you ever go on African Safari, try and get your own rover and a place where they will go off road because it exposes you to even more crazy stuff. I went to, what's the fucking big lizard island? Komodo. Komodo, yeah. And so I went to, what's the fucking big lizard island? Komodo. Komodo, yeah.

And so I went to two of the islands and it was a side island, we had this guy who was like hella into lizards. On Komodo, the guy was just like, come on, let's go, move next, but this other island, they're on two islands, and he was just super into it. And so we were walking along and he just goes to all of us, goes, hey, you guys wanna like go find them? Where they're like not supposed to, and we're like, yeah, he goes, all right, let's go. Look up everywhere of us, goes, hey, you guys wanna like go find them? Where they're like not supposed to,

and we're like, yeah, he goes, all right, let's go. Look up everywhere you go, like be careful, because if they're in the grass, they'll come fast. Oh yeah, I've been there too. Oh, it's amazing. It's like Jurassic Park. Then you find, you see him walking, and then when they start running, you're fucked.

Oh, they're fast. Yeah, my buddy that I met on another island, and it was later, he saw them killing a fucking boar. Wow. And ripping apart, he saw them killing a fucking boar. Wow. Ripping apart. Just screaming. Because what they do is they bite them,

they have venom, and it doesn't act quickly like a rattlesnake or a viper. What it does is it gets in their blood, it wears them down over about five days, and these pack of lizards follow it till it just drops. Yeah, they're nine feet long. And then these things, they become immobile,

they're still alive and then they just come in and they start ripping them apart alive. Yeah, nature has no mercy. They're just like, should we just bite its neck first? They're like, no, as long as it's not a threat to us. Just eat it alive, pull its eyes out, everything. It's just like, bite its neck first. They're like, no, as long as it's not a threat to us. We're good, let's eat it. Just eat it alive, pull its eyes out. Everything, yeah. It's just like, Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr from National Geographic, he was the host of the TV show. And so he came, I didn't know they had a TV show.

Yeah, they had a National Geographic Explorer and he was the host of it for many years. Okay. And so this- Think he's still alive? He's still alive, I think. Boyd Mattson, here he is, right here. He was on-

National Geographic host. Yeah, he was on the journey with us to give, you know, to give insight and educational lectures. Was he enjoying the trip? He loved it. Okay. He was there with his new wife and he loved it, but here's the kicker because he was on TV.

He was in the entertainment industry. So he comes up to me on the last day before I tell you the Africa story to close things out. Okay. He comes up to me the last day and he goes, he goes, Juicy. I go, yeah. He goes, you know, I moved to Hollywood like 20 years ago

and I've been kicking around and now I'm doing this show for National Geographic and I go, yeah. And he goes, you're not gonna believe this. I live in Burbank and right down at the end of my street is a burger joint called Juicy Harvey's. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and I just look at him and I go, I go, boy, you're not gonna believe me.

And he goes, what? And I took my name tag off and I gave it to him. I said, you have this. Isn't that hilarious? He had no idea that whole time. Juicy Harvey. What a coincidence. Isn't that wild?

I can't believe it. He waited, the fact he waited till the last day to bring it up, like, and he was sincere. He's like, I can't believe, like, I guess he didn't realize. I just thought juicy is your nickname and your Harvey, but there's another place. I was so juicy.

There's another one of the odds that he lived on the end of the street. Wow. So here's the, here's the kicker. We do Africa. We do this whole trip. And by this time the people the organizers they figured out who I was they now after all these people they realized I'd done movies I was a comedian yeah thank God it wasn't 2016 where they could just

look up your movies right and TV stuff like internet stuff I mean a stand-up stuff like yeah at the hotel and bother you about it finally got to the point where I had to tell them I was was like, look, okay guys, this is why people everywhere we go are stopping me. And so they were like all excited. And what happened our last night in Africa at the lodge, they were doing a closing dinner for us. Beautiful outdoor dinner, white tablecloths, a gazebo,

right at the edge of the falls. You could see the falls and the moonlight spilling over the edge. Just then, and they said, Harland, you're an entertainer. Would you mind tonight as a special treat doing a little thing for us? And I said, what, like a show or something? And they said, yeah, we hate to ask, but it's up to you.

And I said, you know what? Let me think about it. I'll do something. And I started thinking about it and, and it just didn't seem like the right place for standup. It felt too out of context. And so what I did is we all had gone on this beautiful journey together to all these exotic places.

And I thought, you know what? I'm going to write a poem. I'm going to write a poem for all of us to share and I'm going to put down all my experiences and you know, in chronological order, all the places we've been and what I'll do is I'll read it. They didn't know I was going to do this. I went up there, I think they thought I was

going to be funny and I went up and I read the poem and now this is the point, if you want me to read it, I can, it's about two minutes long, or I cannot. Yeah, I want you to read it. I didn't know it was about those people. I thought it was about yourself and you were being a fucking dick, you know? No, it's about the journey.

It's about what I saw, what I felt. Then you know what? Yeah, let's hear it. Okay. Yeah. And it's- Do you bring reading glasses with you? Do you need a pair?

I got my glasses, it's even on the letterhead. I had to have them printed up because we, it's on the for this. You need to pay. I got my glasses. Even on the letterhead. I had them, I had to have them printed up because we, it's on that. Wow. Wow. Papyrus in a place you didn't go to. Yeah. So this is, this kind of encapsulates the whole journey. Hope you'll indulge me.

It's about two minutes long. Yeah. Okay. And it's called the journey. Ready? Yeah. Okay. And it's called The Journey. Ready? Yeah. In the adventurer's heart, there stirs many dreams to seek out the world's treasures, its forests and streams. And so on a whim, we leave what we know and travel into the sunset and its beckoning glow.

We land on an ancient mountain breathing soft mystic mist, an ancient people's temple the sun god has kissed. Lost deep in time like a sad ancient ghost, the stones still stand strong on their green emerald host, as if still awaiting the ink is returned, unaware that their flame no longer burns. And then, whisked to an island, we continue the trek, so far removed, a mere tiny speck, but guarded by giants, perhaps to keep us away, worn down by time and the cold ocean spray.

They stare to the heavens with wide vacant eyes, dark orbs filled with nothing, no hows and no whys. It's as if they look through us and straight past the sea, these monoliths so silent, peering into infinity. And in the blink of an eye, or in a place twice as nice, A tropical Eden just short of paradise. Tahitian magic blows in the seductive twilight breeze, Romance and intrigue whispers through the palm trees. And in the fiery burning sun slips behind the imagination, The sky splashed with pink, passion and sensation. And like a sea bird always

hungry and searching for more, we continue on our journey to the Great Barrier Shore. The reef spans forever a turquoisey blue, like the penetrating eyes of a lover we once knew. And just below the surface of this aqua oasis, the fish and the coral all take their places, in an underwater ballet of color and form, of diversity and complexity, from where was it born. But with no time to ponder, again we are gone, to a land that still vibrates to the strike of the gong, where jungle meets man in a struggle for power, Trees coil around culture and slowly devour. As if taking back what was rightfully theirs, Roofs suffocate like pythons, and walls and stairs, Monuments to elephants and the sweet lotus

blossom, Four faces watch timelessly, all playing possum. Oblivious to our customs, belief and modern haze, They focus on enlightenment and their spiritual ways. And then, like an echo, were called to move on, To a land shadowed by Himalayas, jagged and strong. Like razor-sharp fangs in a billowy shroud, To a land shadowed by Himalayas, jagged and strong. Like razor-sharp fangs in a billowy shroud, they burst from the earth and tear open the clouds.

And far down below, human scurry like ants, millions all moving in a chaotic dance. And watching with stealth, without bending the grass, A sad Bengal tiger, his time soon to pass, Forsaken by man, his reign crushed by need, His royal bones and skin consumed by greed. And will we ever notice, as we all turn our backs, No time to think, just time to pack. Now in a country where each face wears the ages, India's history written on tattered worn out pages. Children and swines weren't sharing lunch in the gutter, the dirt and pollution makes us all shudder. But there

in the nucleus of a society gone awry, a white marble shrine that will never die, Erected in the squalor, a tribute to the heart, A place where even death could not pull them apart. And it was there in the children, an innocent glow, Unaware of a better life that they'd never know. And then we moved on to our last scheduled stop, a place so much older than the hands of the clock, the dark continent, the true Mother Earth,

the place of our origin, the land of our birth, where lions freeze the blood with an eerie gold stare, as if to ask us, why are we there? Fooling ourselves that we're at the top of the chain, but not asking ourselves what price have we paid. From the never-ending pulse of the thundering falls, to the vibrant moon night and the myriad of calls, we bring into question our place on this sphere.

Where are we going? How do we steer? The crickets don't know as they sing so afar on a black velvet night under glistening stars. And so, in the end, our voyage never ceases. From vast open plains to wide windswept beaches. What have I learned after seeing it all? That our lives are but a heartbeat, and we're also very small. And we just keep on searching through the laughter and strife. We continue exploring this gift we call life. Damn buddy. That was great. What do they say about that? I mean, if they know you at all, they're like, well, this is not on brand.

I think they were just like. That was beautiful. Thank you very much. That was beautiful. What a gift to everybody, too. Well, that's what some of them said, and I was very out of my element, because that's not what I'm known for.

No. And I was very nervous, and I was very bashful to read it, but I thought God channeled these words through me and we did this thing together I want to share it with them I don't want to make them laugh I yeah I want to share it with them and and they're all kind of silent and they all came up afterwards and they were just very moved and they all asked for a copy for it, of it.

But there was one moment that, and when I read it, I almost, you asked me earlier, did I cry? Because that was so fresh to me when I read it, I actually started getting emotional reading it. I could feel myself choking up when I was there. It was such an emotional thing. It's such a spiritual trip, this trip. It was. It trip. It was.

It was. Uncovering ideas about the world and yourself and your culture all over, fucking mostly over a month period. It's so tight. Yeah. And I think- There must have been some kinship

with all these other people too. There was, and I think this sort of kind of brought it all together and it bonded us, but the most kind of beautiful moment for me is, which I didn't expect, obviously we had the staff who worked at this lodge and of course it was primarily locals and and African children and African teenagers and and as you know that's another place of the world where there's not a lot of money for a lot of people and one of the boys like about a young 16 year old boy African boy was watching and

they're all very well dressed they really look great and he just was staring at me and he walked up to me at the end and he just stared at me and he goes he goes mister that was beautiful. How did you do that? I could see he was just, he'd never heard anything like that. Whether it's good or bad, I don't know, but he had never heard it and I could see, he goes, I want to write like that. And it was just this moment where I didn't know what to do and I had a pen with me and I said,

I was trying to be this kind of prolific guy and I just said, I said, my friend, I wrote this with this pen. I said, take this pen and I want you to write whatever comes into your head. I want you to write your dreams. And he just looked at it and it just, it was just a beautiful moment,

whether he went on to do anything with it or not, but I wanted to find a way to encourage him to know that anyone can do this and just, it's all just in your hand and in your brain and in your pen. And that was kind of the end of the trip. And it was like just the most beautiful ending that it touched this boy.

Wow. And that was it. That was my trip around the world from a pamphlet that I almost threw in the garbage can. I mean, wow. I was not expecting a serious poem from you. You weren't? Nobody was.

No. Nobody was. Nobody was. They thought I was gonna do a serious poem from you. You weren't? Nobody was. No. Nobody was. Nobody was. They thought I was gonna do a comedy bit. And that's how moved I was by everything I saw and it was such a, that's why I wanted to share it with you today, it was such a beautiful.

I mean, trip of a fucking lifetime. It was, it was. And I've been on other trips to other places all over the world too, but this one was so special that I thought you might appreciate it if I shared it with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Had you been traveling to like remote places before this? Yeah. Just here or there? Yeah. I hadn't been to places this exotic, but I'd been to like Germany, I'd been to Paris, I'd been to France, obviously,

I'd been to Scotland, Ireland. But not like the exotic. But I hadn't been to these real exotic, which are the places you kinda wanna go when you come from our culture. Because these are the places that we've never experienced. Yeah, I mean Germany is like a great place to do drugs and dance, or Paris is like,

oh, show di nuke jugans. Yeah, yeah. All great, but this was sort of, just it was so exotic. I mean, multiple extinct cultures. Yeah, and to do it all just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, it was amazing. Wow, I bet everybody else was older. I bet, because it's like, who can afford this?

I had Monroe Martin, a comic, he did a, in Kenya, he did a safari, but he did gigs there. The guy organized, like, I can get you and your wife like tickets if you want. So he's like 28, and he's with all these like 69 year olds, 70 year old people, and I'll just look at him, I'm like, how did you, he's a fucking young black guy. How did you get on?

Are you in the, he goes, oh, I got it for free. And then like we saved our whole fucking lives for this. And I worked hard for this. Like, I, this is, it's not nothing. This was one of my first sort of, like I went from Canada with nothing, gambled everything on Hollywood, did, started to do well,

and I thought, you know what? This is sort of a reward. This is a culmination of all my hard work. This is something I've always wanted to do. Yeah. And I kind of thought they undervalued it. I thought I think they might have made a mistake and sure enough, like I said, when I went back.

Did you have trouble taking this much time off? No, I do it every year. Your Jews didn't tell you, like, no, come on, we're doing stuff, we're doing this? Who? Your agents or managers? No, no, I don't listen to that. I create my own schedule in life.

I take time off every year. Like this year already I've been to the Galapagos Islands. Yeah, I always go somewhere new every year. Really? Yeah, that's part of my commitment to seeing the rooms in my house. Wow. Yeah, every year I go somewhere exotic or different or yeah. I tried to do

two new countries a year. Me and Paul Morrissey got we were in on a festival in Switzerland. They flew us out there like five Americans and he was like let's go let's go from here to Amsterdam and he was like let's do two new ones a year and it just having that goal gets you to like move around. Yeah. And when I went to Tahiti it was like I only had one that goal gets you to like move around. And when I went to Tahiti it was like, I only had one that year and I was like, fuck. All right, after Christmas we'll go there for New Year's for like four days, five days.

Without that goal I wouldn't have gone. Yeah, it always helps when you go somewhere and you're like, you know what, I'm here, why don't I just, I'll go to Japan since I don't know if I'll ever be back here. Right, right, right. So you gotta take advantage of it, yeah. We do have also non-Normcore lives.

So you can go. We can. Unless you're on some movie in the middle of it, you're like, all right, before the next movie starts, there's no boss, you're the boss. We're the boss, that was part of the whole thing when I was younger. It's like I wanna be able to see my world and, and figure out how do I do that and be in control.

And what were the other poems about? Well, I told you, I have a poem about when I went to see the silverback gorillas. They're shorter those poems, but I went to, I went on a trek to the silverback gorillas. On this trip? That was a separate trip. And then I did another trip where I went on a trek to the Silverback Gorillas. On this trip? That was a separate trip and then I did another trip where I went on safari again and had a really cool encounter with lions where I saw them take down a kill

and so I wrote a poem about that too. Wonder, and that's a different trip? Different trip, yeah. I wonder if you should do that the next time you come on or this one, a poem, an episode? It's up to you, I don't wanna crowd the house, my guy. Maybe we should. Yeah, you did a safari though.

Fuck, I kinda wanna hear it, but also it would go well as a feature for every time you're on here. All right, let's save them. Let's save them. Let's save them. Save them. Yeah, a poem each time. Yeah, you gotta come back and listen.

I didn't know you were this into fucking seeing the world. Yeah. Yeah, you gotta come back next time you're in New York or if we're in Austin together. I'll bring another poem. Okay. Yeah. Are you, do you, you got pictures and shit at home? Yeah, I can

Send you the nose picker for sure. Oh, yeah for sure for sure need that one I have some good pictures and I can send you some I'll email them to you. Okay, I'll put them into the episode Dude, where else is calling you right now? You know, it's it's this is gonna sound horrible, but I've been to so many places. I'm sort of running out because I'm more of a nature guy, so I like my adventures to kind of circulate around nature. And so I'm trying to find that next place where I can, I've been thinking about Madagascar possibly. Where did you point to?

Mongolia. What's there? So were the Mongoloids? Rhodes is always talking about, yeah, I think his original retards were from there. Oh. And Rhodes went to, did a gig in Ulaanbaatar, and he's like, they like comedy,

and they'll take you around to these way outside places. Really? Tom Rhodes? Yeah. Oh, okay, maybe that's, I've never been to Mongolia. Yeah, and the way he described it was like, it's like nature-y based. You get out of the city instantly

and then just go whatever. That's what I want, yeah. Okay, good, thank you. But Madagascar would be cool. Where's that? That's Africa. That's off of Africa. That's where it's at.

Oh, there, there. It's got all the crazy trees and lemurs and. Oh yeah, and all the animals are cartoons. I've seen that. Yeah, they're sort of cartoons, yeah. And they have the voice of Ben Stiller. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and all the animals are cartoons. I've seen that. Yeah, they're sorta cartoons, yeah. And they have the voice of Ben Stiller. Yeah, yeah, yeah, weird place. Yeah, they talk like Ben Stiller. Yeah, really weird.

So yeah, that's a possibility. But there's probably millions of places I haven't looked at yet, but the big ones I sorta hit, but you know. They have these, we did, well it was in Myanmar, we did like a three day hike, you know where-hmm they have these uh we did an um Well, I was in Myanmar. We did like a three-day hike You know where they put you up in a couple places They take your bags to the last place and then the friends I did it with we met up again in Austria We went along the Austrian Italy border for like eight days staying in these huts and stuff

Really, but we're talking about like there must be that like the Appalachian Trail Pacific Coast Trail There must be that like the Appalachian trail Pacific coast trail. There must be those all over China, like long, long, like month long trails. There must be everywhere. And I want to kind of find some of those. What's a place you've never been that you want to hit like top, top of the list. Tokyo's up there. Morocco is way, way up there. Tokyo was there last year. It's amazing. Yeah. It seems like one of those cities where it's like, it's not just a bustling city, it's a specific thing.

That's great. I won't spoil it. You just go, just do it. I went to see the snow monkeys and, yeah, just do it. Yeah. Robe in Morocco, you've been in Morocco? No. That's Pocahontas.

I was in Paris for a writing class a couple years ago, and it's so close. I just went to De Rye. And I would sell these flights. It was like one way, $79. I'm like, I should go. And I just couldn't swing it with time and I still fucking regret it.

I should have just tacked it onto the end and gone there for like two weeks. 79 bucks? Yeah, it was just like one way flights to like four different cities in Morocco. No, no, flights one, I was already there in the writing class. Oh, okay.

And I was like, I could just hop over to Morocco. Oh, dude Yeah, so that one's calling me. I don't know Sometimes and seems fun. That seems like a fun place a lot of excitement right now Hey fun. Hey legitimately Iran has also beautiful nature Yeah, my friend from Switzerland went there and she I was like, it's not dangerous. She goes, that's like three little areas. She's like, the rest is all just great, great hikes and fucking beautiful outdoors.

That's the thing, everywhere has incredible nature. Like everywhere, yeah. Sometimes I'll be on the road just going from one gig to another and then you just see a big green patch on the map. The state parks and the national, forget the national parks, but even they're like, yeah the state parks are like, you could walk for miles and miles and never hear a sound of humans. Yeah, you get surprised. Sometimes you'll just like, I was in Bakersfield recently and found an

onion field and just went in there and cried for hours. It was just like, it was just emotionally, it's like therapy. You're talking about from the onions? Yeah. Nice, bro. Thanks. All right. Well, usually I ask people for like a general travel tip, but I think you gave me a do the safari alone. I think you

already gave me one, unless you have another one. Oh yeah. Do the safari alone. at like, like, or, or if you're with a one friend, stay away from big groups. And, um, and I guess my big tip was, you know, follow your voice. Like don't be inhibited by like, if you're with a friend, go, Hey, do you want to do this? Or I'm not going to ask them cause they probably won't.

Like you might only be there once. If there's something to do, do it. If they, if they say, Hey, we're getting up at 5 a.m. to go look for, you know, Cayman in the Amazon. I went with a buddy and he goes, Oh, I'm going to sleep. And I said, well, we're only here once. I got up at 5 a.m. and you know, I had an hour later at a tarantula crawling up my leg in the Amazon jungle and I got back and he's like, how was it? And I go, dude, you shouldn't have slept.

Like, if you're there, get up and go. And don't be afraid to do things. Like, that's the thing, you're there, experience as much as you can because you won't be there long. So that's my tip. I like that. Went to Costa Rica, my dad took my dad

for his 80th birthday. Costa Rica, we would go on hikes every morning in the place we went before breakfast. And my brother's always like, wake me up tomorrow. I'm like, you want to get up? He's like, no, no. And then later he's like, fuck, I miss these fucking, seeing two cans of monkeys with dad in the fucking morning.

What did I do? For what, asleep? For asleep. Like dude, you came all this way, like be a little tired, but do it. So there you go. Buddy, this was a fucking massive shock. Every time I have somebody coming in that I don't know, no,

I mean I know you, but I don't really know you. It's like, let's see how it goes. I don't know, I've had to throw away a few episodes because I'm like, that was just a resort talk. But this, what a fucking trip. And you were that close to chucking it. I'm not kidding. I was just about to release my fingers and let it go.

And then I saw, all I saw was National Geographic, Around the World, Private Jet. And I went, and I pulled it back and I went, wait a minute. Just in your junk mail. Boom, yeah. And Wade Davis and Charles Dougherty were there too? Wade Davis is this giant intellectual. He writes books.

Anthropologist. Mechanical explorer. The guy was a genius. Just sitting there talking to us. He was amazing. He spent more than three years in the Amazon and Andes as a plant explorer. Yeah.

Living among 15 indigenous groups. These were legit people., and they, because we have these long flights from like here to Easter Island, they would give us lectures on the plane and do slideshows and educate us. It was. Wow. Amazing. Yeah. It doesn't even make sense, the price.

It really doesn't. Just to take a first class jet to let's say Australia. Just to take a first class jet to let's say Australia, a first class ticket would be $10,000, $12,000 just for the flight. Higher. 25 grand. For 30, I went all over the world on a private jet. I'm thinking a coach flight around, but it's your own private jet.

Private jet with a chef on board. How many people did the trip? Like about 70, 75 and Juicy Harvey. Juicy Harvey, 74 and Juiced J.H. Thank you. Long live Juicy bro. It was Juicy. The next time you come in it's gonna be the return of Juicy Harvey. What are you doing tonight? I'm gonna go over to the garden. Do you like, are you a pancake and waffle guy? I'm not a not. Do you like pure maple syrup? I mean, yeah, that's gotta be in your bones.

Cause I have a tap in a country down the road and if you want some country pancakes later, I got some pure country syrup. What do you mean? Like you know how they get syrup from maple trees? Yeah. You put the tap in and it drips. I have a country down the road and I can get some syrup

and we could have some country syrup. Yeah, let's milk that fucking country. Yeah, buttermilk pancakes and country syrup, 100%. I'm 100% in. Thanks. Yeah, buttermilk pancakes in country, syrup, 100%. I'm 100% in. Thanks. Yeah, funny, thank you. Thank you. God damn.

All right, all right. Thanks everybody. I'll do the inserts and stuff, but fuck. You on the road a lot? I'll find it before I go. I'll be at, and I'm doing my podcast, The Harland Highway, if you want to understand.

The Harland Highway. And I want you to come on it next time you're in LA. 1000%. I'd love to have you on. 1000%. And I'm now sort of remembering more, that claymation show was a travel show. Gary and Mike, yeah.

Gary and Mike. It was about two guys following the, what's the trail across America? The... Route 66? No, the Davis and Thomas Trail or the, oh it's a famous, oh, it's the two explorers, the something trail, it's named after two guys.

Yeah. Lewis and Clark. Lewis and Clark. Oh, so you guys followed it. So it's these guys follow the Lewis and Clark Trail and it converted, the show was called Gary and Mike. Yeah. And it was a claymation show.

And uh. It was funny, he used to watch it before he went to bed after spots and stuff. Oh thanks. Yeah. Yeah. Bryan Cranston used to do all the little extra voices, like if there was a character, like a cop,

he'd say, hey you guys, move. He would do that. Bryan did all these things before Breaking Bad and he was so. Damn. Should have stayed with that. Yeah. Yeah. Now he's gotta carry around all these things before Breaking Bad and he was so... Damn. Should have stayed with that. Yeah. Yeah. Now he's gotta carry around all these statues for no reason.

Um, alright, Harlan Highway, check it out everybody and uh, whatever. God damn. Thanks buddy. Thanks buddy, safe travels. Thank you, I appreciate it. That is the episode. Man, that was fucking cool. So when Harlan came in he was like, I told him like, hey, I want to cover like, I cover one country. He goes, well, I've been to a few places.

Well, the coolest thing was he came in and saw the map in the background of the suit and he's just looking at it, which a lot of people do. It's just like, you know, it draws the eye. And I was like, where have you been? He goes, everywhere. I'm like, no, like on here, like where have you been? He goes, yeah, kind of everywhere, man.

It was like, I didn't understand it until he was like tell me all this. But he was like I've got like a trip with a few countries and I'm like I really try to cover like one country per and he was like okay I can do that but but I kind of have his other idea. Dude this is thing I do to like sometimes I'll get like some like really high-level person and I and I go do it my way and then I realized I got a trust me to it. Bridget Everett did my storytelling show once and I was like oh but Bridget it's a story you can't like do a song and she was like well I kind of like do stuff through song and I'm like And I was like, you know what just do it and she did this it was at the improv one time this long

Song story where she slowly revealed details of some celebrity she fucked through like Metaphor of the movie titles they've been in until they figured it out. It was so fucking Crushing and I put somebody and I forget who I put at the end of the show and I was like no you have to go titles they've been in until they figured it out. It was so fucking crushing. And I put somebody in, I forget who I put, at the end of the show. And I was like, no, you have to go after Bridger because I don't know if she knows how to do this.

And then as it was Mike Lawrence was at the end. And as he was watching, he was like, come on, man, she should have been at the end. So I'm glad I did this with Harlan too, where it was like yeah okay do what you want and this trip around the world was so fucking epic god damn that guy's gotta come back he's gotta come back on this podcast to do something else he said he would it's cool too when a guy like that was like

we're not just gonna do your regular like puns and stuff that you do but like we're just gonna talk about this oh man it was so fucking cool we'll be cooler if you didn't have to miss those countries yeah he fucking goes for it I didn't realize he was so great at it but yeah anyway so that's the episode I hope you guys enjoyed it today's episode was produced by you the your mom's house network It was edited by Alan Caffey. Alan, did you do this one? He's not there. Hehehehehehehehe. I'm talking to myself.

What do you think of the studio? What's his name? I forgot his name. Marcus La Porte built this whole fucking thing. Can you use the wide shot here? If you can't, you can't. A lot of this stuff, if you don't know, am I in shot here?

This shit I got on the road. This I bought from a fucking' in Otovalo. This, nah, this I got from a fan. This I got in Ecuador. Is there my book in here? Oh, you fuckin' bitch, this was mine. I was looking for it. The power that preserved.

Nope, that's not it, I'm still missing my book. I wanna replace all this shit with fuckin' real souvenirs that I I get but a lot of them are mine Well, it's a one-shot all that that anyway Where was I sign up for the patreon I think that's it Oh, so afterwards I was talking to Harlan about a little bit and and he was like sent me a picture of him petting a Rhino I'm like where the fuck is this from and then, sent me a picture of him petting a rhino. I'm like, where the fuck is this from? And then he sent me a long voicemail

about petting this fucking rhino at a safari, this baby rhino and I was skin-felt. So I'm just gonna play that right now. Remind you, my pre-sale starts October 16th with the following dates, no added dates, probably till 2027, at minimum till like, till like late late 2026. It's the Farewell Tour. Unless you can think of a better name, then I'll change it. But regardless, here are the dates. Tahoe, 50-50, the rest. Pittsburgh, starting in January.

Providence, Salt Lake City, Brea, Nashville, New Jersey, Tampa, Denver, Schaumburg, Atlanta, Portland, Jacksonville, San Jose, Fort Lauderdale, Seattle, Vancouver, Edmonton, Calgary, Atlanta's at the... I forget where Rogan taped a special. Ah damn weed. I need to smoke some. Tickets are at AriShavir.com. Promo code Ari on October 16th. They all go on sale and once they're gone they're gone guys which I have Salt Lake City there I did that's it please subscribe and until next week Rolf Potts the great writer Rolf Potts wrote this book you guys remember him from all my episodes on Skeptic Tank he's coming in next week to talk about Syria his time there as a young lad that should be epic epic. Sign up so you get notified.

We won't bother you with anything, right? I put enough some of my commercials because I think they're funny, but then people got mad. So no more notifications on those. But Rolf Botts, the man who wrote Vagabonding and the Vagamon's Way, on next week to talk about Syria. Until next week, everybody.

A trip around the world with Harlow Williams now let's hear about his fucking adventures I guess audio only put a picture over or something bye I know that I told you that guy was digging digging for gold the the the rhinoceros was at the Tiger Tops Lodge. I forgot to mention it when we talked but um a monsoon had washed his mother away and he survived and this this baby rhino believe it or not that's a baby he started showing up at the at the lodge and he would just um hang around for like you know an hour or so and he loved just hang around for like, you know, an hour or so and he loved to just suck on your hand.

If you put your hand up near his mouth, he just loved to suck on it. I don't know if it was the salt on our skin or whatever, but he'd just like gently suck on your hand for like five minutes. It was so amazing and the thing was like a tank. Like, it looked small small but when it just turned its head it would knock you over it was just so powerful and muscular and yeah I was one of the highlights too I totally forgot to mention it yeah man I'm glad you like the pictures and yeah man thanks again Ari that was so much

fun man cheers buddy