You Be Trippin' - Cuba w/ Sean Patton | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: September 2, 2024

Follow Sean on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/mrseanpatton/?hl=en SPONSORS: -Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/trippin , all lowercase On this episode of You Be Trippin', Sean Patton smokes fake Cuban cigars and blows 30k with his buddies in Cuba. He tells Ari about the bars, old cars, and low crime rate of a place where they have no obesity, topless beaches, and full blown communism. They also discuss his no-luxury resort, his friend losing his passport, and hooking up with the hottest hooker in Cuba. Other topics include: Cuban comedy, Mr. Show, deplaning issues, lying to customs, and Kumail Nanjiani. Viva la revolución! You Be Trippin' Ep. 30 https://www.instagram.com/arishaffir https://www.instagram.com/youbetrippinpod https://store.ymhstudios.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Your journey begins at moorings.com. That's M-O-O-R-I-N-G-S.com. No rush itineraries, no nothing. Moorings.com. Look into it. It could be really fucking cool. Where you been and where you going? This is Ari's Travel Show, yeah. We're gonna talk about travel today. It's You Be Trippin', yeah. Welcome to You Be Trippin' everybody.

Yeah, okay, welcome. Welcome to You Be Trippin' everybody. It, okay, welcome to UB Trippin' everybody. It's the only travel podcast that did not abandon Bud Light for Miller Lite. My guest today is, I try to keep them different. My guest today is Sean Patton, one of my best friends for like a long fuckin' time. How long have I known you?

You and I? Yeah. How many, 12 years. It's gotta be at least. 12. More, I moved to New York 12 years ago. I feel like we really started being buddies when you moved here.

Yeah, maybe. Because I knew you were in LA, but it was like passing. Yeah, and I was a store guy and you were not, and then it was like, if you were a store guy, you just stayed at the store drinking there. Oh yeah, I like to say during those years, I was a meltdown guy. Because that was when the meltdown was still happening.

Meltdown fucking ruled for a while. Which by the way, the other night, like two nights ago, I'm sitting at the cellar eating fucking borscht. Second best borscht in the city. I'm saying it, Veselka. Veselka's a better borscht, I'm sorry. It's honorable, if you're behind Veselka you're okay. But still, amazing borscht at the cellar.

And I'm having borscht and I look over and fucking Camille. Oh wow. Camille Nanjiani comes walking in and I'm like, oh shit man, I stand up, hug him, I'm like, what are you doing here? And he goes, I'm a comedian, dickhead. I didn't forget. I'm like, okay.

Well you're a Marvel star. But he's like, oh yeah. And he fucking goes on and- Was he Jack still? Yeah. God damn. But he's like- I love that he hasn't given it up.

He's like, no, I like this good body. He's so Jack now, his face is Jacked. Wow. You know what I'm saying? Where like you look at his face and you're like, dude, your jaws have biceps. I was in Columbia when that picture came out. It was like, God damn!

Yeah. What the fuck? I mean, an honorable thirst trap picture that really just made the round. If you look at it again, what's spectacular about it is the flawed six pack Flawed six where it's like where it just looks like it looks it could it's not just like six equal size muscles It's all like it. There's like mistakes like it reminds you that like, you know, I'm like, yeah, like you see I'm saying

It's just like yeah, I mean, right. It looks so like real. Yeah It's just like, yeah, you know what I mean? Like, it looks so like real. Yeah, right, right, right. Like airbrush six pack. It's like, look at that shit, dude. Look at that. Like one of them is bigger than the other. You know, it reminds you, like, hey man.

Wow, yeah, it's like, I did this. Imperfection is perfection. God damn it, look at those fucking veins coming out. He's a nerd. I know, dude. He's supposed to be a fucking nerd. The nerds got buff And the right was like no more of this

Do we this we did it is not happening at the improv and he was on and Bert was on and they had They I think Bert was like, I don't know I don't know if they had beef or something or not. But anyway, Bert was on and After Kumail, yeah, and it was long long time ago. None of them were big and He goes all that was so funny. You know, it's Indian comic. It's like, I love the, and Kumail's just next to me at the Improv.

He goes, I'm from Pakistan. Yeah. I mean, look at that right arm. You're like, man, if only you were, wanted to do heroin once. Oh, you'd have a no problem finding a vein. Just quick and easy, you'd have a no problem finding a vein. Just quick and easy. Yeah, like, but then, yeah, when you moved here. When I moved here, yeah.

We started kicking up. Yeah, late night drinking too, it's patties, especially patties where you're like, oh, this is just, it's chill, you can just drink. The old stand-out, man. No one drank, no one drove home. No one drives, no. I wish there was more hang.

The hang in comedy has become an issue But working everyone's just bouncing around do this shit doing a day doing this during the day You still hold it down or bouncing around doing Fucking six spots. That's right. Well, yeah. Yeah, it's almost like you don't hang for the last one Yeah, yeah, and then the last one sometimes I gotta go home like half the people have kids now It's like I got my kid and wife It's like when I explain when I tell people sometimes like my last set on a Friday night if I'm in town Yeah, there's a high possibility. I'm not going on stage till 2 40 a.m. Yeah, you know I mean you can also hold your booze too. I can drink so then it's like you don't have to worry about

Messing up your set. You're just looser. No, I'm just looser. I was Oh, yeah, I'm just looser and care less. I was just scared of you. Oh yeah, I don't. You don't slur. I would love to actually, like I went on, when I was living in Atlanta filming for this FX show, there was one night where I went on stage and I was like, I remember, I can remember before I went on being like, I am blackout. I am fucked up.

That was because my buddy had come into town and we were day drinking all day, walking around Atlanta in the spring, it was fucking amazing. And then we got to the Laughing Scholars, it was a fun club, which is like their cellar. Or they're like, you need to showcase club. And we just went to hang out and the guy running,

and I was like, go on, come on, just fucking go up. And I was like, fuck it. And I remember standing side stage and being like, I am fucked up dude. And I went on and I had a really fucking fun set and but didn't do much material and then he sent me the set like two days later and I watched it and I was like, you can't tell at all.

Wow, what a superpower. Like I was shocked at how little I could think there was one moment Where I fucked up a word, but I was like, but you could argue that I did that on purpose Right. You could be the dumb comic on purpose. Yeah, but I said cross was in here this week That motherfucking drink and we brought you up and I was like he was like he's so funny Mike Oh, but also sure sure sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, obviously, but also. But also, what on the Mount Rushmore of drinking comics? Not in terms of how much, which is like, you're fun drunk.

Yeah, I don't, yeah. You keep it going, you're not like shots. No. You're just like, let's just have a great time. You just keep it going. I mean, I think there was a younger version of me, of course, that was like, put everything, come on. Yeager bombs, yes. Flaming Car bomb, yeah. Flaming Zambooka, that was like put them up put everything come on Jaeger bombs yes flaming car bomb yeah that was my big thing what flaming is a book of film if someone had Zambuca and they were willing to light it on fire

what you need one thing I want to do what Liberty Bell shot I've never done that what's that okay I think it's Goldschlager. Okay. It is dip your finger in Goldschlager. Okay. Somebody lights it on fire. Okay. You do the shot and blow it out. Oh, oh and blow it out. Yeah, not Liberty Bell, Statue of Liberty shot.

Not, not blow fire. That has happened so many times that it needs to be warned actually. I can blow fire. Yeah, really? It's very easy. It's very easy. But you need 151. I can blow fire. Yeah. Really? It's very easy. It's very easy. But you need 151. You spit like you're blowing into a trombone. So far. Like that. And you

just pull and you pull the flame away from you as you do it. Okay. It's that easy. I gotta see you do it. We'll do it outside. I can do it. If you have 151, I can do it. I don't. One day. We'll get footage of it. All right, but Sean, let's get travel today. Oh, travel, yeah. Where are we going? The Havana, Cuba.

I love it. Nobody's talked about Cuba before. Really? I'm thinking of going there. It was awesome. Soon with Bobby. Okay. And so I want to know all about it. I highly recommend. Now this was with Bobby. Okay. And so I wanna know all about it. I highly recommend.

Now this was in 2015. Okay. So it was a while ago. But we went. Before Castro was assassinated. Yeah. Before, when he still was rumored to be alive. Yeah.

But we went because two reasons. One, it was my boy's bachelor party. Okay. And he's fluent. Who, Jeffrey Epstein? No, no, no. Different guy. Different guy. A civilian though. But he speaks fluent Spanish. He loves the Caribbean. But he's fluent. Who, Jeffrey Epstein? No, no, no. Different guy, different fast food.

A civilian though. Okay. But he speaks fluent Spanish, he loves the Caribbean, never been to Cuba, and we were all in our 30s at this point, so we're like, we're not just a bunch of fucking idiots, but there was 10 of us. But we did this shit where we created a fake email chain and then accidentally looped him in to this fake email

chain where we were talking about his bachelor party that was going to be in Toronto, right? And could- Oh nice, you ruined the bachelor party. You ruined the surprise on purpose as a decoy. As I got, yes, yes. Who were those guys from X-Files who would like, the government would feed them stories

because they were like, you're nutcases. Oh, the two journalists. With the long hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're nutcases, so we want some real stuff to come out along with the fucking- But no one will the long hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your nutcases, so we want some real stuff to come out along with the fucking. But no one will believe it anyway. Yeah, yeah, basically.

And so he chimed in and was like, cool, I guess I'll pack, you know, it was during the summer, but he was like, I guess I'll pack for Canadian summer, or whatever, we were like, ha ha ha. Nice, nice. And then we all met, like I was in LA at the time, and like 10 of us, we all met in fucking,

well, nine of us met in Toronto. And we're like fuck you buddy, we're getting on another flight. And we were going to Cuba. Yeah, yeah. So it was. You didn't go to the Miami route, you went up there. Well so back then, even though Raul and Obama,

because that was the other thing, they had just like dapped and we were like let's get down there before they start opening McDonald's and shit. Because at the time you thought Cuba was gonna be the 51st state maybe. Wow. You know so it was like let's just get down there before they start opening McDonald's and shit. Cause at the time you thought Cuba was going to be the 51st state maybe. You know, so it was like, let's just get down there. And it was way at the time way cheaper and more options to just go through Canada. Right.

Because that's the thing. Never, I remember when they said they're going to open up and I had that same thought of like, it's going to be ruined soon. And then Mike, uh, what's his name? Brunson's son had gone there for vacation, Rick Brunson. Oh, okay. And it was like, oh, you went to Cuba? Like, yeah, we all go to Cuba.

I'm like, oh, right, it's not. It's just Americans haven't gone there. Brits have gone there. Europeans have gone there. So it's like, it's not, it wasn't a Eastern Bloc. No, no, it was fuckin', we learned, but that was the thing, we flew, this was the crazy thing. So we flew into Varadaro first, which is,

I highly recommend checking this shit out. Okay. It's two hours east. Of Havana? Havana, and it was like. Varadaro, there it is. Yeah, and it had like an all expenses paid resort type shit. Look at these white sand

Oh, dude, dude, that's real. It's real and this bitch there. It's real and it's topless She's not where it's up or nude. I guess you call. Yeah, I don't think where it's up It's hard to see I mean dude, I'd tell you what on that beach Yeah They do like the best pina colada I've ever had cuz you walk up and it's just a dude in a little hut and there's only One thing there's only one thing to order. So just you just go one two. He's not there. Don't say whatever He grabs a fucking coconut out of a little bushel. He chops it in half Scoops one out into a blender with ice mixes it with rum and then puts it back in the fucking coconut

and straw as she was And we had to use now at the time this was 2015. I've heard people say you can use American debit cards and American credit cards now. You definitely could not then and they wouldn't even take US currency. So we were told by the travel we went through a travel agent. We were told they're like bring euro or Canadian dollars. Okay. So there was 10 of us. We had one dude, we called it the slush fund, who just at any given moment would have

about 10,000 euro on it. Because there was 10 of us just out and whenever we needed money. But yeah. That does not seem smart. We went down there with, we had I think just under, no, yeah we had 28,500 euro total between 10 of us. We blew it all. We blew all. How long were you there? Five days. Yeah, we had 28,500 euro total between 10 of us.

We blew it all. We blew all. How long were you there? Five days. You went through $30,000? Yeah. 10 of us. We went, bro. Okay, still though, three grand each in, I mean.

We went fucking buck wild. It's a bachelor's party. We went buck fucking wild. So first of all, guys, I gotta break in real quick. I gotta break into the episode. It's a great one. One of the best ones we ever had. I'm not gonna lie to you about that. Sean Patton told it all, got excited, really let me know about what Cuba was like and what

a fun trip that was. That was a fun trip. But I'm here to let you know about Sean. He's one of the most underrated comics in the country. I'm not joking. I went on Joe Rogan's podcast right when I got back from Ecuador and he's like, what do you have to promote? And I said, I gotta promote Sean Patton because he's that talented. Sean, Adrian, Mike Vecchione. That's all I said. I want you guys to see them. He's that fucking talented. On my show that's not happening, he was easily on the Mount Rushmore of storytellers in that show. And he's got a new show on FX and it's about time he gets his due. English

Teacher on FX premieres tonight September 2nd at 10 p.m. a two episode premiere. It's also gonna be streaming on Hulu if you have that. If you don't have that you just gotta have everything right? Sean's great dude. You can look him up online at mr. Sean Patton on Instagram. That's a nice thing. Mr. Sean Patton, follow him on Instagram. Let him know you really liked him. And then he's got some tour dates coming up. Let's see, these are open for,

oh, he's open for David Cross a lot. Well, this weekend, Charleston, South Carolina at the Wits End, then September 11th in Seattle, the Showbox open for David Cross. Oh, these open for David Cross in Olympia, Portland, Oregon, Eugene, Oregon, Arcada. Wow, these are all, oh, it says don't show,

the San Francisco Punchline, September 18th through the 21st. One of the best clubs in the country. Let's skip the David Cross ones, there's too many. God, there's a lot. Open for David Cross, it's all in the city. Okay, here we go, Benville, Arkansas for the Big Diamond Comedy Fest in October, well that's all the way in October.

Anyway, check them out. MeSeanPatten.com online and MrSeanPatten on Instagram. And I got nothing to promote, so I just wanna say, could you guys please subscribe to this podcast? Go ahead and hit subscribe, wherever you're watching or listening right now, do me a favor, get my numbers up. We've got an exciting September. After this, it'll be Shane Gillis and then Joey Diaz

and I wanna get those numbers up to 100,000 on YouTube really quickly. So do me a favor and subscribe. What the fuck, do yourself a favor so you get notified of these new episodes. They're getting better and better. Let's not lie about it. Leave in the comments of the YouTube

what you liked about this episode, your own memories of Cuba or places you wanna go, and just like, I don't know, favorite Sean Patton stories, and check out his show, English Teacher on FX. He's pretty racist in the episode. That's not a joke. All right, guys, I think that's it. Let's get back to the episode.

This resort, we get there the first night, and we're only gonna spend one night and like, At the resort. Yeah, like the afternoon, we got there in the afternoon. The other thing, when you land, oh, let me get to this first. We're flying into Cuba. We're flying into Cuba. And then the fucking Canadian, it's a Canadian airline and the pilot gets on and says, well folks, the Canadian government, I'm sorry, the Cuban government is requesting we land. And he said the name of the place. I can't fucking remember now, but he's like, we're landing, it's about a 40 minute quick flight

east of Varadaro, but we are being requested to land now, so flight attendants prepare to land, et cetera. So we land and we're in this just small, you're looking out the window, it's like a one runway airport with just like a little, looks like a government building. It doesn't look like a real airport. And we are at that moment the only plane you can see.

And it's like, oof. What? And we're just sitting there for a while. And then the pilot gets on, he's like, well folks, go ahead, grab your luggage and de-plane. And he says it very curt like that, which was the freakiest part. We were like, what the fuck? And I remember we're getting off and we're like,

bro, like, there's 10 of us, you know what I mean? So like, knuckle up if we got it. I don't know what the fuck's going on. And there's this Cuban official with a megaphone, they're like, everyone please enter the building. It's all very simple instructions, like right here. And we're all, we form a single final line. We walk into this building, it's just a hallway.

And it's just, there's a couple, you know, Cuban people waving you through, and you go into the hallway, and then you take a right, this is more hallway, and then another right, and more hallway, and then you're right back out into the parking lot. And we're like, what in the fuck? And then we're all just standing there, and we're trying to ask, like,

because now by now there's like people being like, what's going on? And the Cuban, like the officials are just like- That's when you need a white lady. Well- That's when you need someone to actually ask. Bro, there were white ladies on that flight. Even they were like, ah,

because it was just like, what the fuck's happening? And then an official comes out with a megaphone and the same person is like, all right everyone, back on the plane. And now the flight attend and the same person is like, all right everyone, back on the plane. And now the flight attendants are there, just like, all right, come back on. And you get back on, you sit in your original seat, you know, and the pilot gets on.

He's like, all right folks, we're gonna, we're first for takeoff, whatever, and we take off, and it's not totally in the air that the pilot gets on. He's like, well folks, that was, you basically all just walked past a heat sensor to see if any of you had headaches or if your temperature, I mean, he was saying this all way more eloquently. When was this?

2015. So it was basically like, well, cause here's the thing, Cuba has amazing and amazing healthcare system. So they just wanted to make sure no one on that flight was sick or had a temperature above 98.6 Wow, but they I guess they don't want you to know that and I guess I'm guessing if someone was actually sick They would have just been detained and sent back on a flight from where I don't know

But like but we all just walked past the fucking headache sensor bait or not, you know temperature sensor to see what yeah, it's crazy Wow, and then we land in Varadaro, and it's like, all right. And then as soon as we get off, we go through customs and they pull us all aside and they're like, what are you doing here? And it was fucking hilarious because the guy who arranged it all, our buddy, was like, hey man, you know we got a lot, right?

We can't tell them we're going down there for a bachelor party. I'm saying, let's tell them we're down there filming a documentary. Right, and we're like, dude. a bachelor party. I'm saying let's tell him we're down there filming a documentary That's not a good idea stupid. Why would you be journalists? Exactly, that's the last thing they want there. So so it was hilarious because he goes what are you doing here? And he goes we're filming a doc and my buddy cuts him off goes we're on a bachelor party He's like don't fucking listen. It's a bachelor party right away, and we and the guy laughs He's like, okay, you to some pacifier right away, and we and the guy laughs, and he's like okay You all need to buy health insurance though. Oh

And it costs six year old person So we all I shakedown bought some fucking yeah exactly and then accessible. It's fine It's like all right you should be number six. Oh, whatever. I'm not gonna argue this who cares yeah, and then we got in You're like we got stacks I'm not gonna argue this. Fuck it, who cares, yeah. And then we got in. You're like, we got stacks. Dude, but we got.

You think six affects us? Oh my, what about? And then. Just throw a fucking wad at him. Just keep the change, bitch. Just the shortest thunderstorm ever. I'm gonna make it rain, oh. Actually, I do need this.

It's a shower, I'm gonna make it shower. But basically, then we get to this resort and it's an all-expense paid resort, but it's real. It was the first moment where you were like, oh, I kinda get what communism is, because to everyone there, you're like, this is a nice all-expense paid resort. But to you, you're like, I have not really ever been

to one of these five-star joints, but this is a really nice Motel 6 at best. Wow. You know what I'm saying? Really? Yeah, and there was a really nice Motel 6 at best. Wow. You know what I'm saying? Really? Yeah. And there was a bunch of people there.

There was a bunch of partying. There was a big ass pool. But not luxury. Not luxury at all. Oh, yeah. There was beer. Beer was free. Booze was free, you know, but it was like, yeah.

But it wasn't the, it was definitely more, it was more, like, it was more on the rough around the edges side than it was on the, it was more the rags than the riches side. It was still, it was a nice rag, a really nice rag. That was the thing, there we met a bunch of Americans who were like, do y'all want to meet up tomorrow? They were talking about all these events and were like, well actually, we're gonna go to the beach tomorrow and then we're going to Havana.

And they were like, why? This is awesome. I'm like, wait, did you guys just come to Cuba? To Verdugo? To Varadaro. Varadaro? To just hang out at this resort? And they're like, yeah, it's amazing.

The beaches are amazing and you'll see. And this is just fun. I'm like, it's Havana. It's a fucking world. Hemingway fucking lived there. Like, you don't wanna go, what? You don't wanna go to Havana? And they're like, no, it's crime and all the trash.

You're like, it's a city. Yeah, there's crime everywhere. There's everywhere, but we would learn later. Not in Cuba, not in Cuba. What do you mean? The crime rate is insanely low down there. Because if you're a criminal, they could cut your fucking hands off.

It's, that's the thing, whenever you meet a 23 year old who's like, I'm a communist, I'm like go to Cuba. And then let's talk about communism. When you see it in action, you're like, no, no. Too restrictive. It's just, they don't have, I mean this was in 2015, I've heard it changed. Nowhere had internet, hotels had internet, but it was modem only, slow as fuck.

Libraries were basically very tiny and all of the books were curated. There was no advertisements for anything anywhere, which at first you're like, ah, refreshing, but then you're like, oh yeah, because there's no businesses. Everything's government owned. Everything's government owned. Everything's government owned and operated

except the hotels, and even those are probably government owned and operated. And bars you went to, there were bars and shit, but they were very basic, sold booze. Dude. What was the look of the bars? I mean. Was it like concrete, or was it like nice? Like there were a couple of outdoor spots, like was the look of the bars? I mean was like concrete or was it like no

Nice something like there were a couple of outdoor spots like on the wall first of all let's okay Let's so we do the we party at the resort. It's a fucking awesome time The next day we go to the beach. I talked about the pina coladas topless women everywhere and it looks exactly like this It's fucking beautiful and then we have to get on a two- hour bus ride to Havana. And look, we're all half cocked. We've bought a shit load of cohibas at this point. Can you get them regularly? They're fake there or they're just like, they're flowing?

They were just fucking everywhere. Right? So we were just buying them. You could buy bottles. We all had like, we had like, two bottles of rum. And we had chartered a bus, right? For 10 of us, but then there was also other people

on the bus, but like, because it was the kind of thing where it's like, hey, you guys, you can have the bus, but also can we put more people on it as well? And we'll just, we'll give you guys space. So we had like the back half of the bus, and then there was like a couple people up front, also tourists, but we're just like drinking rum,

smoking fucking cigars, and it's this amazing, insanely scenic drive, right? It's a beautiful, like, insanely scenic drive. Right? It's beautiful, like jungles and shit. From Havana, oh really? From Varadaro to, yeah, to Havana was fucking amazing. And it's as we're pulling into the hotel, my buddy Darius, the bachelor, he just goes,

oh, I left my passport in Varadaro. And we were like, what do you mean you left your passport in Varadaro. And we were like, what do you mean you left your passport in Varadaro? He's like, yeah, I put it in the safe in the hotel. I didn't get it. And we were like, well, I guess you're living in Cuba. Cause what the fuck are you talking about? What are you talking about?

I mean, he's fluent in Spanish, which is like the one thing I was like, you do speak the tongue. So, but you're fucking stay what what are we what? I mean it what you were gonna four more hours. Well, dude. Here's what we do We get to our hotel we check in we tell heat to anything everybody speaks pretty good English. Okay in Cuba They're all cuz they're their education is really good. They healthcare is amazing. And they're amazing at two more things. Baseball, or three more things. Baseball, obviously.

Live music. Some of the greatest live music I've ever seen because they don't have jukeboxes. They don't give a shit about that. So every baller had a live band and they were all excellent. And sex work. Everyone there is a sex worker.

Damn, you skipped right over cigars. Yeah, I mean cigars are, well. Didn't I get top three? Cigars, we knew this already. Yeah, oh right, right, right. But like. Sex work, they're just good hookers. Well no, everyone, being a sex worker in Havana,

or in Havana anyway, is like driving for Lyft or Uber. Everyone could do it if they wanted to. You learn that pretty fast. Like, cause my buddy, the first night we were there, he's like hanging out with this amazingly hot Cuban, we meet her at this bar, she's hanging out with us, and he takes her back to the room, and then he like comes back and he's like, I need money.

And basically she was like, hey, I'll fuck you, but I'm never gonna see you again, so $200, $200. And he, I ain't. And he's like, yeah, sure, okay. And then you're at the bar. $200, that's not right. And then you're at the bars. That's not bad. And then you're at the bars, and women are talking to you,

and some of them are 1000% obvious, sex workers. And they're pitching you right away. And then some of them are like, they're dressed down a little bit, but they're being, they just look like normal, but they're being a little more flirtatious. And sometimes it's like, oh, you're American, they don't see a ton of Americans.

But then other times you're like, so if we were to leave here and they're like, I would, maybe, what would it take, how much do you want me to come hang out with you? And you're like, mm-hmm, I see. But it's like, it makes sense to me. It does make sense. You would like a price tag around the neck,

but it's almost like, nah, flirt me into like making a bad financial decision. Like I kinda get that across the board, especially for like American girls. If you're like a young, hot, promiscuous minded person and you know a guy's got money and you're like, you know what, I'm horny enough and I could use a grand. Yeah.

What's the harmony? I like the ones in Vegas where anyone's just like prom is like probably a hooker. And then if unless they're maybe on prom and then if you're like, hi, if they don't just like walk away, like that's a hooker. Yeah, dude, like the straight up. But like that's just dress. Normal girls is almost like more enticing. A thousand percent.

Oh, you feel like you're actually winning them over or something like that, or it's like, you never do this, right? I'll change your life with this 200. They'll already have cum dripping out of you. I mean, and I'm talking about like, and you just, you gotta, I'm talking about Cuban women. Right.

It's just a different, it's amazing, they're all. Oh, hi everybody. I'm on Instagram. Today's episode of UB Trippin' is brought to you by Shopify.com. Are you looking to set up an online retail store at your website like I did did, at rsfee.com. Look no further than Shopify. That'll help you spread out your online platform, help with everything along the way from just getting started, from getting started all the way up until making

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Well, that was the thing about walking around in a communist country. Like the first thing you notice, no obese people. Oh, no extra food. Exactly, so like at first you're like, wow, everyone here is fucking hot and in shape. And then you go, oh, but wait a second. They don't have the option to be fat.

You know what I mean? Or like obese, you saw a couple, you saw, you know, some people are just pudgy naturally, you know, but like. It's baby weight. But I'm saying like you didn't see any like, you know, you didn't see anything like you see now like families in Walmart that are all wearing athletic gear or like athletic suits because it's the only the only thing they have like the black Latino like that

Lot of um Like I think people from the Dominican Republic would go there or yeah, yeah, I'm pretty sure Cuban girls and Cuban women dude every woman you saw in Cuba was Outlandish damn all of them. Yeah, so that's like someone you'd want. It's not like some of the girls in Thailand are like, ugh, what am I doing this for? No, yeah, it's not. I mean, I've never been in Thailand,

but yeah, they were all, like I remember there was one night where, so there was 10 of us, the bachelor and probably four other guys all had wives and girlfriends, so they were all, no, checked out, but they were, and I was with Caitlin at the time, so I was like, nah, you know,

but there was three dudes there who we all, three of our buddies who we all lived vicariously through. Really? Oh, because they were just going to fucking ape shit. Like every, like twice a night. What a specific type of dude behavior, where like, I need you to do this, a specific type of dude behavior where like, I need you to do this, man.

And they were like, yeah, sure. But like every bar we go to. When I go to the beach with my friends, we do beach weekends and they're like, you trying to get laid this weekend? I'm like, no guys, I'm hanging out with you. We see each other once a year. You can get laid though.

I'm like, if I wasn't with you, maybe. But guys, I see you once a year. We're all hanging out. We're catching up, man. We're all getting older. They're like friends. We're catching up, man. We're all getting older. They're like, please do this. Please.

Yeah. Oh, dude, 100%. Like, there was motherfuckers just like, you were cheering them on. You were like, go put yourself in a dangerous situation. Well, that was a thing too. So I went with my one buddy because because that was the weird thing. So this is still in Vardar? No, it's all in Anna. Oh, because that was the other thing.

We check into the hotel. My buddy tells the receptionist, hey, I'm fucked, I left, can you call? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, I left my passport. She's like, well here, call that hotel. He calls, he's like, hey, so I was in this room I left my passport. We're all expecting them to be like sorry didn't find anything and they were like oh no

We were expecting your call. Yeah, we have it here. We'll hold on to it for you. And so I was like, oh, okay Thank you. So then he says that out loud and the receptionist is like yeah, just get one of the taxi guys They'll go do it. Just pay them pay them for it. But just like Give a good get one of the taxi guys, they'll go do it. Just pay them for it, but just like, give a, just go grab one of the taxi guys and like. How much would it cost to drive two hours and back? We were like, what would be reasonable? And she was like, I don't know, ask them. So we're like, all right, fuck it.

So we find this dude, Pepe was his name, coincidentally enough, and he's like, I'll do it for 100 euro, or, you know, and we were like. Five hours of driving. Four hours of hello and then right back in your car. And he was like, he's like, yeah. Gas included? He just said that and we were like,

all right man, fuck it. Yeah, you'll do it? And he's like, yeah, right now. See you in, he's like, and it was like four-ish p.m. at this point. He's like, yeah, see you at eight p.m., just meet me here. And we're like, all right. or 8.30 or something like that. Cool, and so we go dick around, we're having fun.

We go to what's called a Padaados, which is, I think I'm saying it right, but like, the restaurants in Cuba all suck. So people turn their houses into restaurants. So you go to these restaurants, and it's like, that was the thing that pissed me off the most. None of us thought to take pictures.

Wow. And none of, I specifically did not bring a fucking phone charger. So my phone died the first night. I'm sorry, not a phone charger, an adapter. So my phone died the first fucking night in town. And I was like, well, cool. But yeah, you'd go into people's homes.

What is it called, the parodero? The way I'm remembering it, it would say it was parodaros. But I am going to fuck. Okay, and it's just parodisis, verdero? Do you want me to call my friend and get him to say it? No, it's okay. Okay, because he'll fucking, he's like, hear me. But you'd go and-

And so you could just go to someone's house and they cook for you? And you walk in and it's like the living room has like four tables. And then the rest of it's just the house. What was the food? It was, that's the thing. It wasn't very, it wasn't like mind blowing

because it's not, they don't have great ingredients. They don't, it's all government control but they get the stuff from the government. And like- But also when you think about Cuban food, it's never in the running for like it's like Italian Indonesian Thai Chinese Mexican No one thinks of Cuba in that top 20 list and also like Cuban sandwiches were invented in Miami So and those aren't even like wow, it's just like I want a Cuban sandwich today, but you're not like exactly

I mean slightly above a BLT and like exactly and like you'd say like because we did that at the hotel when I read beans Like okay. Yeah, we were at the hotel when they were drunk We're like, can we get cuz I was I think Cuba is a true 24-hour city really so shit just our Havana It just nothing closes. It's just like yep. It's just the bartenders will be in there. And so we were at this hotel bar We were like, can we get some where can we get like a Cuban sandwiches? And the guy was like, uh, we're at this hotel bar and we're like, can we get some, where can we get some Cuban sandwiches? And the guy was like, uh, Miami. And we were like, ha ha, nice.

Really? Yeah, he was like, all right, yeah, we get it. It's not a Cuban thing. Oh, it's a Cuban thing invented in America. You know, Pad Thai was invented by a cowboy in Thailand in the 70s. A cowboy? An American cowboy.

Oh no shit? They called him a cowboy, yeah. He helped make papong and all that place. And he invented, he wanted something different and it's just, they all eat it now. Well also like, what, the cashew nut chicken invented in Springfield, Missouri? No.

Yeah, Springfield, Missouri. That's like when you go to Springfield, Missouri, they're like, hey, have you had cashew nut here? And you have it and you're like, it tastes like everywhere else. I love those places, you gotta have it here. I'm like, no, it was invented here, but it's not like, or like Anchor Bar in Buffalo,

we invented the Buffalo wing. I'm like, yeah, but everyone passed you. Yeah. It's not freshest here. Or like most cities in the Midwest, like have you had cheese curds? Like, no, but I've had mozzarella sticks. I'm not, sorry, I'm not trying to be a dick here,

but I get it. It's like, have you had halibut that we caught an hour ago? Yes. You know, they're like, okay, great, fine, yeah. Seafood or, you know, I could be a purist about New Orleans. I mean, I do, I will argue that nowhere outside of New Orleans is mastered New Orleans food, even from close, not even novice mastered it, or noviced it.

There's no place here in LA? How's the place in Denver, in Orleans? It's not bad, it's just they do little things wrong. Like they use, I mean David and I went to this place, David Cross and I went to this place in Bloomington, in Bloomington, Indiana that was like a New Orleans chef and like a New Orleans guy. And my ultimate test of New Orleans food

is red beans and rice. Because it's such a fucking simple, yes it's a simple, it's also my favorite New Orleans dish. It's just- But they have that in Cuba too, it's kind of overlaps right? What? Red beans and rice.

Red beans and rice, no not like that. Not like- But they're different styles. Yeah completely different. Yeah and this guy like, I remember the waiter being like Oh our red beans and rice are world-renowned I'm like, we'll see and they and it was like they just they brought it. It was the wrong rice You're supposed to use fat fucking Jasmine rice. They brought out basmati rice. Also, you're not

A fucking chef. Yeah still and like so it's like, it's everywhere. There's a place here that does good po' boy like sandwiches, but they do it on the wrong bread. And there's places that like- That's how Mexican is. They try to find, actually, I mean, California does it well, especially the Tex-Mex tacos in general, nor in SoCal.

But like, we finally found a place, one truck that was like, oh, this one's good. And then we went to Mexico City, had a bunch of tacos, and then came back and went to that place, we're like, oh, it's bullshit. We just, we're so devoid of anything. They're like, oh, that's how I am with Nolens in Denver. We're like, all right, gumbo.

And they're like, yeah, but then ready Yats? You ever been to Yats in Indy? No. That's, I'll give it a go. Give that a go. They're placing, because they're placing gum placing gumbo, in the place in Denver, I remember I had the gumbo and I was like, this is a light roux though.

The roux's not dark enough and it's more of like a spicy soup. It is such a cunt. A spicy soup, but it's what gumbo needs to be. Ha ha ha, I find your trigger. It's like, I think you'll walk out of a room and somebody will just get the joke wrong. If you went and ordered matzo ball soup

and it all came out in squares. Yeah, like this is a fucking Like no, you don't understand lots of cube soup. It's not the same fucking thing It's so fun to find a comedian's trigger. Oh, never what you think ever but it will make them leave a room with the joke It's like no. Nope. I'm out here. It was fucking ridiculous Okay, so but like, but no, but so we go fuck around. We go and we go we're fucking around and we get back to the hotel and motherfucker Pepe shows up on time with the passport and we drop.

So he asked for 100. We gave him 250 euro and he was just like he hugged all of us and was just like just hugged all of us and was just like just Hugged us and was so fucking happy and then one of the hotel guys was like yeah You guys realize you just gave him like a month salary Wow He was already like in his mind. He's like I can't believe I took this guy Yeah, exactly like and we doubled it and we like we like blackjacked him We like gave it double in a hat whatever, you know, you're like

We like black jacked him. We like gave it double and a half, whatever, you know? You're like, when you win a black. It is nice, it also does fuck up the economy. Yeah, but it was also like, you know, and then we're like, all right, great. And then we went out and we fucking, we rented, we found these, so like, we started calling it Uber.

Or, because basically, if you want to ride in Cuba, in Atlanta, just stick your hand out. No, no way. Fucking civilians will pull over. What? How many, where do you want to ride in Cuba in Havana just stick your hand out No, no way fucking civilians will pull over like how many where you want to go and and charge you or just yeah There's taxis too, but like like I'll do it I'm going that way and we found these two brothers who owned a 57 Chevy and a 57 Oh, yeah, the car yeah They own the cars and like they explain it to us are like our grandfathers pass these down The engines have been rebuilt we we have to rebuild them every we have to like upkeep But like they get passed down from generation generation, and they're everywhere. I do actually

have Officially elsewhere I the one picture. I took was as we arrived I because As we arrived in Havana, I took it on my buddy's phone, who had like a little bit of juice left, I sent it to myself. So I have one picture of a bunch of these cars parked. But like, we found these two brothers,

and they were like, there's 10 of you, we can fit five in each car, and they're like, we'll just drive you around all night. And we were like, for how much? And they were like, uh, and they talked for a minute. Like, a 10-year-old person? And we were like, what? Yeah!

Yeah, I was just like, right before he said yeah, they go, six. Oh, wait, wait, you said yes, you said yes. Like, okay, okay, it's four. Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't know you guys weren't. I mean, 40 a piece. But like, they drove us to this real Russian restaurant cuz like there's a legit Russian Oh, yeah, the communist. Oh, wow. So we had some like real pierogi real Russian food real bolt like hardcore

Russian food in Cuba, of course Yeah, and then they took us they took us to this like there's no beaches in Havana, but it's a seaside city So our oceanside seats it took us like Oceans, there's no beaches in Havana, but it's a seaside city. So, or ocean side city. So they took us to this like ocean side bar and we got fucking crazy wild fucking shit face. And they would, and like they took the three cowboys, they took them on hooker banging runs.

Really? Like they drove them to go, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, and. What a good bachelor trip. so and it was awesome and we're getting fucking wasted and they drove us back to the hotel and then we wanted to go to this one other bar like on the other side of town they were still just hanging out and they drove us there drove back and we gave them $15 a person and like or 15 and they were like, oh, you know, we're like guys we're fucking we're fucking, we're the kings.

And I mean it was nuts, dude. Was this how it was, the cars? I've heard of the cars. Yeah, 100%. They don't have enough money to, this even article says it's a sign of their deprivation and not like cool. But I have heard it's like all these old cars

and they're everywhere. Yeah, 100%. Is this like a normal scene? Yeah, 100%, 100%. Wow. And they're all like rebuilt with like, the engines are rebuilt with like. They just keep the bodies.

They keep the bodies, yeah. They just like, they'll take engines out of shittier cars and, you know. Wow. Yeah, but they're everywhere, dude. They're fucking everywhere. And it's awesome to see. You're just like, wow.

But like, and when you get in one of those things, it smells, it's got that old car smell, and like, it's got no shocks. You know what she is. Yeah. This is an ad from BetterHelp. As kids, we were always learning and growing, but at some point as adults,

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That's the powerful backing of American Express terms and conditions apply visit mx.ca business platinum But like dude, so one night the last night we were there I was like it's last night over there one of my one of my buddies wanted to go. I went with him To go because we were at this bar. It was like our third or fourth night We're all a little more we were at the hotel bar of the hotel that Jay-Z and Beyonce stayed at, right? What?

Yeah, they stayed at some, I can't even fucking, Hotel Presidente, I believe it was called, maybe? Yeah. They stayed at some hotel in like, Downtown Havana? Yeah, we were kind of like in like, Uptown Havana, they stayed like downtown, we went to there and we were drinking on the roof

and we were smoking cigars, we're having a good time. And there's of course women on the night and one of my friend, the guy who's like, he's like, I wanna do it, man, will you come with me? It was like the kind of thing. He talked himself into getting a hooker. Yeah, and it was the thing, it was like I've known this dude forever

and it was like, all right. Will you come with me to do what? Hold his hand? Because like act like it's his wife that he's fucking cucking? But that was the thing, he's just like, it's weird because he'd already talked to her. He's like, she wants me to go with her to her place, but I'm like, I'm like I'm like dangerous

He's worried about danger, but I'm like motherfuckers have been doing it all week Yeah, right right right. What are you worried about? Fuck it? I'll go with it But then that there was that side of me where I was like, I'm just curious. Yeah, fuck it. So I go and I go and it's a we get in the car with a dude and the girl and two in the back seat and she's like, um, and her English was really broken. She's like, I don't, uh, I only do one. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm just coming. I'm like coming, you know, me and Migo just come in to hang out. I'm like my terrible Spanish. I'm like, my buddy is gay. Not like you would would think gay gay in a different way where

he's scared to fuck a hooker my buddy is a he's not gay but definitely a pussy not gay but definitely definitely yeah but not gay at all nothing to do with that but let me teach you about American colloquialism yeah but he but he's straight up like we go and I'm you know I'm like I'm just at all. Nothing to do with that. Let me teach you about American colloquialism. Yeah, but he's straight up, we go and I'm like, I'm just gonna drink cerveza, being a fucking idiot. But the dude driving, his English was way better, and he's like, that's fine, it's fine, he's dead. So we get to a house, it's a 10 minute drive,

we go in the house, all of us walk in, he just hangs out by the car, the three of us walk in, she explains to this woman, this older woman there like I'm just gonna hang out so they go into a bedroom I Go sit in this living room area the woman brings me a beer and she's just like You know wait. I'm like yeah, that's fine. I'm just gonna sit here, and I can't you know there's like Things happening, so it's like it's not like I can't, you know, there's like things happening. So it's like, it's not like I can hear what's going on in there. But the fucking fun part was I'm sitting there

for like two minutes and this fucking maybe 14 year old kid comes down the stairs and bangs on the door and I was like, whoa, I'm like, I hope this is her pimp. I hope, I don't give a fuck. And she like opens the door and she's still dressed and they fucking yell for a second and she shuts it and then reopens it and

Hands him what looks like it's like a rat It looks like it my guess was it was an old PlayStation controller It was kind of like I couldn't a hundred percent see what it was. She just hands it to him He takes any storms back upstairs and like oh that was her little brother I'm like this. I'm like a whole on a second. Oh you wanted an actual. Like he was up in his room. Well you're supposed to tell him before you do tricks. My fucking Xbox in there.

Dude it was straight up like wait a second. Is that her mother? Is that her father? No it's not her father. Guy's too young to be her dad but is that her other brother? I'm like whoa. That's so real.

And I was just like all right man. That's so real. That's all right, all right, all right. Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho ho. And I was just really I'm in that's so real. That's all right. All right And they're just in there for a minute and I'm just sitting there drinking and then this other woman comes in who was a Pure in my opinion ten like the like a pure just like oh wow, you're the most attractive It's just like you can't think straight like a pure just like, oh wow, you're the most attractive. It's just like you can't think straight.

You can't look at them. Unbelievable. And she's dressed just in shorts and a tank top. She looks like she was just somewhere hanging out. And she's like, oh hello. And her English is really good. And she's like, hello. And I'm like, oh hi. And she's like, are you, are you, are you,

I'm like, no, no, my friends, you know, just having, they're on date night, huh? She's like, oh. I'm just a guy who hates how to really, you know, just having their own date night hot. She's like, oh, really? Fuck, I'm like, you know, I have a friend who's doing it. What's going on? But then she was basically like, oh, I'm like, she's like, are you on a date? And I'm like, no, she's like, let's go on a date.

Let's go on a date. And I was like, oh. OK, 100 percent fold right there. How could you not if she's a ten? 100% and she takes me into another room and fucks my brains out. No way. Condom or no condom?

Condom. Who had the condom? She did, yeah. And you know. What did she, wait, what was she dressed as? Did she just go naked or did she have lingerie? Straight, no, straight up walked in, no bra, shirt off. Was there a bed in there?

Yeah, yeah, there was just another room. And she goes, here's a condom. And she's like, she was like 250, yeah, 250. I would have given you 5,000. Well, I gave her three, I had a bunch of fucking euro. That was Bobby's advice. When I went to Tijuana. He goes, it's $72, put a hundred on the table

and say that's for you, once they know they're already getting tipped, they work harder. Same, I gave her three, she said 250? I said, sure, gave her three, and then she just pants, just full on. How was it? Amazing, amazing, dude. Was it clinical at all, or was she actually going,

like getting into it? It felt like a workout, it felt like, no, it felt like, it felt like she was sparring and I was her sparring partner. Wow, wow. And it was probably 20 minutes, she went to fucking town, like just, and it was, oh, you know, just,

a thousand fucking times, just crazy. And then afterwards, she just fucking rolled over, lit up a cigarette, we talked for a few seconds, and I was like, I don't want any, and she's like, do you want a cigar? And I was like, actually, sure. And she gave me a fucking, and I smoked some of it, and then we just hung out for a second,

and then we heard. You hung out for a second? And then I got dressed. I had my shirt, I was just pantsless. You just like, I gotta get in there? Yeah, and then she just I did nothing She basically on the bed went to town Cowgirl reverse cowgirl sidecow just was like that's what I'm saying. It felt like I am a punching bag for fucking

I'm saying I'm a fucking bag. It's like doing one of those Crazy high-fives with a black guy and you just put your hand out and they do all the stuff for you. You know like this. I was the heavy bag and the screw bag. You're the heavy bag. Sorry I didn't catch it. But yeah she and then my buddy and I come out and he was I remember he was like where'd you go and I'm like shut the fuck up. And the guy's just waiting. Narcs shut the fuck up. And the guy's waiting he drives us back. We're only down to 22.5, that's what I'm saying. But he was just like, he was like, I don't know, it was kinda weird, how was it for you?

I'm like, it was fucking weird, what are you talking about? She was dope as shit, I was insane. I was so great, dude, that like, so at the time, I had a girlfriend at the time, but we were long distance and she was living in England still. So I was so good that I told her about it. Because I was like, she was like, great. It is surprising.

There's a certain type of woman who goes, who says like, getting jerked off by a massage parlor lady is not even cheating. They're just like, that's nothing. You were never gonna go out with them again. So that part of it, it's like, I'm not challenged by that. And I wasn't like cocky or arrogant, but I was just like, hey look, I should tell you this.

On the bachelor party, I partook. And she was like, whatever's like I'm not challenged by that. And I wasn't like cocky or arrogant, but I was just like, hey look, I should tell you this, on the bachelor party, I partook. Yeah. And she was like, whatever dude, I get it, I was living in England, I told her later, I didn't tell her like, when she got back to America six weeks later or six months later, but like, I told her eventually, and she was like, yeah whatever.

She was like, fuck it, it's okay. But like, it was fucking dope as shit dude. Wow, you earned points for being honest. Yeah, and then like, you know, went back, met up with everybody else. 250, worth it. Worth every, dude. No part of your regrets.

If I had, if I had. If no part of you would rather have that 250 back than that 300 back. Fuck, no, dude. I would have given her three times as much of a head on me. And then like, and plus, according to my buddy who speaks Spanish, the Cuban accent sounds a lot, it's like a Boston accent. To English, I get Cuban accent is to Spanish, like a Boston accent is to American. Did your friends have trouble understanding them? The friends who spoke Spanish? They

didn't have any trouble. I've heard Cuban is the hardest Spanish to know. He laughed at it a lot. He would like, and he'd look at me and be like, dude, some of the shit they're saying is just, some of the enunciations is wild. It's like, well, you've been to Edinburgh, the Glaswegians are like, what are you saying? They say it again, you're like, what language is, like, English. Yeah. And you're like, dude, you gotta spell what you're saying.

Speaking English, Donnie? What? Donnie, what's that, a word? Who's Donnie? Donnie, Donnie, no. Yeah. Glaswegian, yeah dude, that shit's, but the best, the fun part was the very last night. We were there. We're all

fucking dragging ass Right you know and this is where we like this ball of rum Yeah, I'll get some cigars, and we're just walking around downtown, and it's like you're seeing Nothing like that's the thing about communism where it's like everyone's Everyone has what they need, but they're poor in every other way you you know what I'm saying? So seeing that shit, you're like, eh, I don't know, man, I get it. It got to you? But it's not, communism, fucking, no, it's not good.

And you're seeing it firsthand, and there's advertisements for the government and shit on billboards, and you're like, that's just weird. And people, you're walking down the street, and like, mira, mira, gringo. And you're like, people are coming out of their house looking at you, and like, kids are constantly running up to you

asking you for money. It's never ending. That's not fun. But it's like, you can tell they're not poor, but you can tell they're just... Give me money, come on, give me some. They're just existing. And that means they've gotten some plenty of times.

And you're giving it to them, you're giving it to them. And so we go, we end up at this one bar at this other hotel downtown, and we're puffing away on the last of the Cohibas, and this older dude comes over and he's like, pardon me, gentlemen, are you American? And we're like, oh yeah, and he's like, oh, I love Americans, we don't get many, et cetera.

And he sits down with us, and he lights up his own little shorty. He goes, may I ask where you obtained your cigars and we're like oh fucking varadaro or we bought a shitload he's like may I see one he's like do you have an error and we had like a couple left he takes a look at he's like come with me and we're like yo the fuck is this dude what come with me come with, come with me. And we're like dude, all right. And only if like, there were a couple of the other guys like digging around, there's like four of us

went with this dude, and he take, we go into a hotel room with him. And he has a magnifying glass, and he, under a light, and he takes a look at the cigar, and he's like, may I? And we're like, yeah, I don't even know what he's saying. And he like rips it open, and he takes a look, and he goes I Do not be though. I do not want to be the one to tell you this but these are

Dominican These are not real Cubans in us And we're like poor limit to kill what he's like. Yes, it happens here, too He's like they imported him into Cuba to fake a Cuban cigar We were smoking fake Cubans in Cuba and we were like, what? And he's like, I understand. And we're fucking, not venting, but we're all like, that kinda sucks. He's like, tell you what,

cause by this point we'd known it was a bachelor party. He's like, who's the bachelor? And we're like, oh, this guy. And he's like, nah. And he opens his own little. That, here comes the scam. Well no, no, he gives him a Monte Cristo. Oh.

And he's like, you know, congratulations. And you know, one of those big fucking Tony Soprano joints and my boy lights it up and he's like, and we all take a puff and it's like, oh yeah. That is like obviously. It's like obvious. It's like smoking. Where'd you get the other ones?

On the street? No, we got them at the fucking. At the store. At the, in the fucking resort. Oh wow. So it was like, okay, so we thought we were, so we spent most of our Cuban, and then we went and bought a bunch,

like wherever we could find them that night, and smoked, you know, like, these are real Cubans, right? And then, we've been apparently smoking, but then like you could tell the difference once, but we bought like a box. So we thought we were just ripping down real ones all the time, but yeah, but then. Could you bring any back?

Or do they, like how does that work? Totally brought them back. You could bring them back. But that was the other funny part was we get back to, when we fucking fly back at 6 a.m. And we have to drive back to Varadaro, so we had to get on a bus at four, or like three, get back.

We get on the flight back, and then we're going back to Canada, we land in Toronto and we've all decided we're gonna lie to American customs because we didn't get our passport stamped. It's the right way to go. Oh, you didn't get your passport stamped. How do you do that?

By buying health insurance. They say we won't stamp your passport. They never said it but when when we paid him for the health insurance he was just sort of like go ahead. So wait you go through Toronto this is key information. Yeah. Because if you go through Miami they're like we know where you just came from. Right. If you go through Toronto they're like you're just boarding a plane. You're coming from Toronto. Why would we think you have Cuban cigars in Toronto when you go to

Toronto or New York or Toronto or LA. Exactly. That think you have Cuban cigars in Toronto when you go to Toronto or New York, or Toronto or LA? That's not a Cuban cigar hub. We had all concocted different versions of, we were all like, right? Elaborate. And, but the thing is. My name is Art Vandelay. Dude, and like this part of my,

this is the one part that's like shady, or like spotty for me. I just simply remember, somehow we all got fucking separated at customs. Ten of us. That's how they get you. Yeah, and I remember going through. Yeah, keep going.

And I get, and like you, you know, you fucking, you know me well enough to know that like, I'm a pudgy bearded guy and the one thing that I fucking hate the most is when people tell me that I look like other pudgy bearded comedians, or anyone, Jack Black, anyone, because I'm like, I don't think we look alike. I just think you can't see past pudgy beard.

She's being racist, racist for fat beard. And this was nine years ago, so I was less fat, and my beard was all dark, but I go through, and I'm in, you know, it's this female customs agent, and she's like, where are you coming from? I was like, oh, you know, about to party here, my buddy in Toronto, and I'm in, and I, you know, it's this female customs agent. She's like, where are you coming from? I was like, oh, you know, bachelor party here at my buddy in Toronto. And I'm ready to give her all this information, right?

And she looks at me for a second, she goes, you know, you look like that guy from the hangover. Which normally I would just be like, mm-hmm. But in that moment I was like, I know, right? It's great, I hear it all the time. I'm just like, I know it's fucking, have you seen it? And she's like, I haven't seen the second one. And I'm just like, oh, second one's great.

And I just start telling her, which I think the second one sucks. Second one sucks. That was a pay cut. Yeah, yeah. But I'm just telling her all this shit where I'm like, hey, no, it's great. And I'm just playing it up.

And she's like, oh, welcome back to United States. I love how you're like, it's great, I'm not that guy, but I can tell you a bunch of details about him. And she just stamps it and is like, all right, come on through great, I'm not that guy, but I can tell you a bunch of details about him. And she just stamps it, and is like, all right, come on through, and I'm like, woo! And then, of course then, I meet everyone, we're all fucking basically the same area, and I'm like, dude, fucking, I told him,

I told him a fucking, I was like, I just said we were a bad party, and all of them were like, oh, we just told the truth. I was like, when did that fucking get decided? When did that fucking get decided? I'm stressed out. One time I was going, the first few times I went to Canada, they were like, hey, don't tell them where you're here.

Don't just invent a story, have someone in mind you're thinking of, so they don't whatever. And so then I went for either Yuck Yucks or Brunson, and I was like, what are you here for? I'm like, just here to visit my friend, Suzy. Like, I picture her in college, I guess she lives here. And it's like, oh, okay, cool, what are you doing? It's like, nah, we're just spending a few days.

She's like, cool, so it's not working? I'm like, no, no, no, no. And then she like turns the screen around. So this flyer's not with you on it saying you're playing in two days, it's not you? And I was like, oh. She goes, you know they filled out the paperwork though. Like, why did you lie?

You're legal here. And I'm like, oh. Dude. She goes, just go. That's nice that they went, that they said just go, dude. But she was like, you did the right paperwork. You're just used to the fucking scam ones. Dude.

Dude, you know what you reminded me of? Fuck. When I, when I was like. I just want you to know, I feel that anxiety. Yeah, I was like, uh, uh. Like, cool, I just fucked myself out of thousands of dollars. I gotta go home, I don't even know. So I'm just on the hook for flights

that I'm not gonna make any money on. When I went to Melbourne, and I was just on tour in Australia. Yeah. And you were doing the whole month at the Melbourne Festival. Yeah, I remember that. I overlapped for a week, I did a week there. But I was just doing the whole month at the Melbourne Festival. Yeah, I overlapped for a week I did a week there

But I was just doing the whole thing and I got there two weeks into the festival and you and Kanaan You talk about dragon ass. Oh, I was like hey guys. I'm in Melbourne. Let's hang out and you're like We've been here two fucking weeks man, we've drank so fucking hard every night you and canane together I'm convinced Kyle is like an actual real living version of Wolverine Like liver just heals itself dude. I think I think he's 116 years old but only looks like he's in his 40s and like cuz like that guy cuz that was the thing Every night we'd end up in Melbourne We end up at that one massive bar that the the thing. Every night we'd end up in Melbourne,

we'd end up at that one massive bar that everyone would go to the festival, City Club or whatever it was called. And every night it was like, ah, I'll go there for one or two, cut two hours later. And then on the walk back to the condos they had us in, there was a McDonald's and it was open 24 hours. And it's the same thing every time,

Kyle would go, do you wanna get some Maccas? Cause that's how they say McDonald's. He every time Kyle go we get some Macca's cuz how they say It's a Macca's and we'd fucking go house of big Mac because and that was the thing We're like that drunk being like it's better and it's healthier in Australia McDonald's is healthier and I am convinced of that. That is true. I mean nominally. I'm convinced it's nominally You know, I ain't like such shit in Edinburgh, such shit every night, and I lost weight. And I ate just fast food, late night food every night.

It was worse than I normally am, and I lost weight. I think, that's what I live. I know, I have not enough data points to prove it. Dude, that's, I mean. There are some fat Australians. But then also, I mean, you're talking about Edinburgh, where you're like moving around all day True, I see why I see why you'd second-guess it

Yeah, cuz I just I don't I think it's like I think it's probably like a Big Mac in the States is 3000 grams of sodium in Melbourne it's a milligram sodium in Melbourne. It's 2400 do the exit Melbourne do the whole fucking on. No, no No, no No, it's only a dress is only a single dollar It's only terrible It's only it's only 2400 milligrams milligrams

Fucking It's only 2,400 milligrams, milligrams. No, no, fucking, Ari's on a flipper. Right, gaffer. You remember that episode of The Simpsons where they just shit on Australia? Yeah, the whole time. Oh, where he's like, where they just. Oh, you wanna talk to your mayor? Charles, Charles, she wants her.

Or where he sees a bullfrog and he's like, what's that? And they're like, it's a bullfrog. He goes, oh, that's a funny name for it. I'd have called it a Chezueza. Yeah. Yeah. Marge is like, I want a coffee. He's like, beer?

Like, no, coffee. Like, beer? Like, coffee. Beer? Yeah. I mean, I will say that's an under known thing about Australia is they fucking destruct coffee. They do coffee amazing.

I had so many flat whites. I was there a month, like recently, it was like. Flat whites, I'm a long black. I like a long black. Long black is just coffee. It's basically just an Americano. Yeah, right. But long black.

Longa. Longa. Longa blacka. Longa blacka. They have a poma. They do, the chicken poma is. The chicken poma is good with a little thing of ham or kangaroo on top of it. Well that's the thing, they claim that they invented it.

I believe it. But I didn't believe it until the second time I went and was like, why, how? And they were like, all the fucking Italian prisoners that were shipped here. And they invented it. They also claimed they wiped out the indigenous people there and they also did that.

They did the fucking. So I have no reason to doubt their words. In fact, you know it did because before every show it's like we acknowledge the heritage. Of the umba-rumba. The umba-rumba, the proud umba-rumba people. You wanna just take it over the macarota people. You're like, is this, hey,

how many of them have you brought back with this? It's so funny there and Canada where you gotta do a fucking, it's a comedy show and you gotta do a sad like, so we ended up raping a lot of people and just murdering them, burning their house down. Hey, please welcome Sean Patton. Yeah, I just wanna remind you of that.

It's so out of place. And it's like, you know when at clubs when they go, gotta turn off your pagers and cell phones, and like they're still saying pagers sometimes, turn off your cell, and no one's ever taken another cell phone and turned it off mute. It just goes over people's heads. That's how it is in Australia and Canada with those things.

You know what, you know what I miss? And black people are like, what about us? You mistreated us too. Like shut up. They're like hey, what are you doing? Don't be so loud. Remember to tip. You're like Jesus.

Wait, that's fucked up. You know what I miss Generic what generic shit I miss from comedy intros is does clubs and colleges everywhere clubs and colleges Go to exactly come with that was a big credit No one understands how little comedy was that where that oh, he just clubs And now it's like everywhere Colleges? Yeah.

Wow. Who even does colleges anymore? Yeah. No, but yeah, like the- Dude, that strip sounds fucking great. It was amazing. It was fan fucking fantastic. What a great fucking time.

Like it was one of those like you got back and you were just like, oh man, I can't just drink rum in this. I mean you can, but like, it was just different. Like everyone, every single bar we went to, every single night was packed, but not too packed. Had a band that was amazing. That's cool.

Everyone was having an awesome time. But it was also like, we met a fucking dickload of Europeans, so many Europeans. Well that's a cool part of travel too, it's not being like people of the area, but it's being other travelers. So like in Indonesia you're like, well, I guess no German culture Oh the other hostilers. Yeah. I mean that shit was rad and we met like a couple of other like oh, I'm so sorry Well, here's here was one crazy thing that yeah, I don't think we're fucking too far away from if we

keep going down this political rabbit hole but like one night we met this couple who were like basically like Americaphobes or Americaphiles right? A Cuban couple? Yeah yeah. Who were into American culture. Just so and I mean they were just because they don't it's not like other countries where it's forced down their throat like they don't Really want to find it. Yeah, because it's like the embargo

So they're not they know like little shit But so they were they were like hanging out with us all night, and they were really cool They're buying us drinks or telling us where to go for you know They were cool, and they came back to the hotel We would go back to the hotel bar overnight because it would stay open forever And it had like a whole fucking porch and We're out there and they they they could both communicate in English, but they were speaking Spanish okay, and they're speaking to my buddy the whole time who the bachelor who's fluent and we're at the right there and he's just asked him about life in Cuba and

At one point the guy start he's talking but he keeps like he keeps doing this. He keeps like covering his mouth while he's talking and I keep notice it and I'm like What's he what's what's is he like and my buddy asked him? He's like, what's it? And he basically keeps his shit covered he goes they have cameras here If they see me Talking poorly about Cuba that could be bad He's like and like like a first base culture, he goes out and talks to them.

Yeah, he would basically just be like, the thing that sucks about living in Cuba is, you know. Wow. And he's like, it could be bad. He's like, I've known people who have said something. Why take a chance? He's like, and- That's interesting.

And you're like, yeah, that sucks. That's when people say it's bad here, you're like, guys, little things. That's like, that's when people say it's bad here. You're like, guys, little things bad. It's nothing close to, and like, it could go that bad. I'm like, I guess. Yeah, let's not let it. Not really though. But like, yeah, I mean, I hope not. But like, yeah, that shit was weird.

That was a- That's 20 steps further than us. But I just, yeah, yeah, I just remember that moment of realizing that, because then he was like, quickly he was like, you guys are fine. Does that make you appreciate? Does that make you just feel bad for them? Does it make you appreciate you states? Oh both It makes me appreciate I mean like because it's most for first world countries. You can just say whatever the fuck you want You know, I mean like but we went to Montreux festival Montreux Comedy Festival me I saw Jessica Michelle my daughter and Who else was there? Your daughter?

Oh, Jessica Michelle's your daughter. Yeah. Had a moment where I was like, I know fucking, oh. And then who else, somebody else. Oh, the guy who does, I never remember his name, Mike from Chicago, the comics you should know. Oh, Mike fucking Leibowitz.

Yeah. Yeah. Uh, anyway, what were we just talking about? Shit you can't, I cannot say you can't tell. Oh yeah. So there was a, there was comedy, but they were doing an English American comedy or English comedy part. It was a French festival and they were doing a sketch, uh, fast too. And these one guys from the BBC, whatever they have, we have, we have a sketch show on the BBC.

And they're like, the interesting thing is, it's state funded, so we do political stuff. So they pay us to make fun of them. They're like, we're allowed to say whatever we want, we're political, so we make fun of the government, but we're funded by the government. And they don't say, hey, don't do that. They just go, hey, here's for the arts.

And their art is mocking the government. Like, they pay us to mock them. Like, that's how free it is there. Wait, where is this? The United Kingdom. Oh, UK. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you couldn't, and that's crazy. They have to cover their mouth in Cuba just in case. And the guy wasn't even, I mean, from what was being translated, he wasn't even saying anything that crazy. Why risk it? It was just, yeah, he was just pointing case. And the guy wasn't even, from what was being translated, he wasn't even saying anything that crazy. Why risk it? It was just, yeah, he was just pointing out. And then of course, that's the other thing,

you can't just leave a communist country. And it's not a ballerina. It's not like a money thing. It's like a, they don't let motherfuckers go. That's weird. Sometimes. I know there's exceptions, but you're like, dude, fuck all that.

Like, that's the thing, like. Diaz came on a raft. Yeah. Did he really? Yeah, as a kid. No shit. Yeah. I didn't know that.

I think his mom came on a fucking raft with him. I didn't, I fucking didn't know that at all. I didn't know that guy was Cuban. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I gotta look at all three cameras for that. Otherwise you got the fucking Diaz boys. Sal's Cuban, he owned a rap store in Staten Island.

His parents. Wait, is he Cuban? The Kayakatora. Yeah, he is, he's half Cuban. No shit. Yeah, yeah. I just thought he was a fucking dirty fucking guinea. Oh, if you need a book, Sal,

you need a checkbox book. That's Mexican. Thought he was a dirty fucking guinea. Volcano, yeah, yeah, yeah. Vulcan. Vulcan. All right, before we go, this trip sounds fucking badass. Here's what I usually ask people.

I'll get back to a couple other questions first. If there's any, what are the places you wanna go in general, don't answer yet, just think about it. Just one place or two places. And then if you have a general travel tip't answer yet, just think about it, just one place or two places. And then if you have a general travel tip for anybody, and then think about those, it's like pack light, do whatever, somebody said like grind up your mushrooms

if you wanna take it and put it in granola. What were the bathrooms like in Cuba? I remember them being standard, standard bathrooms, they weren't, yeah, not that crazy. I mean like I went to Malaysia and China once and that's where you get the occasional squatter. And you're like, ah, this is not. Because that's a coordinated effort.

There's no warning, there's no training seminar. Yeah, yeah, you think it's gonna be easy. How about this? So hard. Just throw this out there. I can't speak on behalf of women because I'm not one, but men. You go, oh, okay, I could do this. I gotta take a dump. I can just squat. I'll figure it out

Oh, but you didn't think about clearing a runway for your piss And you just Because you're not thinking about And then or like an or in sometimes, they have the bum gun. Just like the little ones. I love those. You love that until you realize, oh yeah, you definitely go this way.

What did you, go down? No, like this way, I went back and you were like, but it would just, no, just spray. I'm like, oh, the back of my pants are now all fucking wet. You're like, no guys, not piss, it's toilet water. But then you're like, it's just toilet water. Is that piss? Prove to me it's not. But that was fucking rad. Wait, a place I want to go?

Yeah, but also, okay, first we'll do that one. What's calling you? Man, like Eastern Europe. So like, the furthest East I've been is like um Is Germany but like no, that's not yeah. I know what you mean. Yeah, like I think I've never been in Italy I want to go to Italy but I'm talking about like Slovenia and like the Alps and like up in that area and like Croatia

Yeah, and then get into like Turkey. I want like that whole Greece and Turkey like out Greece is almost already like past what we're talking about it yeah like that that backwards like that area but I don't know why it just I just went is awesome mania Slovenia yeah like all dude I don't want to go to all of them I want to go to Hungary I want to go to all of them now I'll hook you up with the with the booker from Romania he's Romanian oh there's a club there's promoters. Sloss does it all the time. Sloss kills, Sloss does like 2,000 seaters there.

Yeah, Sloss is huge anywhere. It's so fucking wild. When I was in Slovenia, it hit me, like who I was talking to, I was like, do any of you guys remember it not being Slovenia? And like a third of the room raised their hand. They're like, yeah, we we remember Yugoslavia It's a new country

And Romania is so fucking crooked. It's just dude. Yeah, you'll love it I'll introduce you to the guy if you want to go he also has a show in Istanbul, but I gotta fucking remind him I want to do that Yeah, okay, that's a good one. Yeah, it's different there. It's not like Europe. It should be another continent. It should be another continent. Like Poland, Czech Republic, Slovakia, Hungary, not Austria.

Austria's like over there, right? But Serbia, Romania, Bulgaria. All this whole. Uh-huh, Sarajevo, yeah, that's a city. I just wanna see all that shit. Ljubljana was so fucking cool. Wait, Ljubljana? Ljubljana, Slovenia. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean like that, wait, it wasjana was so fucking cool. You know? Yeah. Wait, Ljubljana? Ljubljana, Slovenia.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean like that, wait, it was cool? It's so cool. Dragons, there dragons everywhere. Dude, so the first time I ever did that like Spotify rap shit, you know what I'm talking about, that year end, where like you see how many Spotify listeners there's, you can see regionally where, and outside of the US,

huge listener base in Slovenia. Of your standup? Yeah, yeah. Wow. So I'm like, and that made me go, Slovenia, and then I started researching it and I'm like, oh this place looks fucking amazing. Well, Ljubljana is this great fucking gothic town,

like it's an old city town. Love that shit. And then people go there and they stay in Slovenia for like, Ljubljana for like two days, but then the beach is like an hour and a half away. So they use that as like, oh let'subljana for like two days, but then the beach is like an hour and a half away. So they use that as like, oh, let's do this while we go to the beach.

Right. You know, it's not like a 10 hour trip. It's just like, it's a quick trip. You land here and go right there, let's stay for the night. And like, oh, good food. But the beach is like right here on that, in the, yeah, it's like that little, yeah. It's this little like block right there.

So you land there and then just drive there. And the beach is dope, it's like a dope. That's what I heard, I didn't get there. Oh. I just did a little video. Yeah dude, I wanna fucking do that shit. A little bit of that, I mean. Yeah, I wanna go to, yeah, all of it.

Bucharest I did, inclusion of polka, Bucharest, Romania. Anyway. Okay, last two things. Yeah. That's a great one, Romania. Travel tips, and oh, also this is the other one. What are some things you notice, or what would you tell someone to go into Cuba,

like prepare or don't do, or like make sure to do this? And also what are some observations you made about Cuba that are not in a travel guide? Like Punky was talking about Jamaica, she goes, the ice melts incredibly fast. I noticed it. Really? Yeah, she goes, it's like half ice. Anyway. Is it cuz it wait? Does she get in Ecuador? The ice cream? The

ice cream was very soft. That's something I noticed. Everywhere. The ice cream. They don't freeze ice cream to the level we freeze it at. Okay. Um uh in Cuba. Mm hmm. The this is rare. The comedy is stuck in, like the cars in the 50s, because we went to a bar one night and there was this fucking stand up comic, like doing an hour. And he was like dressed in like yellow pants

and a big fat. He was a big fat. Yeah, just like, and he's up there just, the guy, and like I was saying, none of us spoke very good Spanish, so my boy was translating the whole time and was basically like, oh no, butthole smells so crazy. It was like French comedy when you go to Quebec. Yeah.

And they're like, oh no, look at how big my nose is. Is it blue? So clear blue. But we were like, this is fucking ridiculous. There's actually stand-up comedy happening. But it was like, it was less stand-up comedy, more like the predecessor to Josh Adam Meyers now. I'm just giving him a hard time.

I was asking Marcelo about it. I just got back from Miami, and I was saying how much I hated it. I mean, I had people, these girls were talking to Big J. We did a show together down there. They were like, we liked you, but that other guy sucked. And he's like, no, what do you mean? He's good, he's my friend.

And they're like, yeah, we just. They're talking about Big J? Too Big J about me. Oh, wow, okay. And he's like, what do you know? Like, he said he's happy with school shootings. And he goes, no, I don't think he meant that. He literally said he's happy when schools get shot.

And he's like, okay, but Marcelo said the Cubans in Miami, so I'm assuming at least similar to the ones in Cuba, they're very literal. So a guy in a woman's dress is like, sick, I get it. Not man, not man, I get it, great. Well, so yeah, like culturally, that's the thing about communism as well. Culturally, they're just not fucking fed everything

like we are. So like meta or tongue in cheek or subversion, it's like none of that is. Interesting. You know what I'm saying? People, they're basically like, cool, we're eating this week, our son's going to baseball practice so we can have a future.

You know, our daughter's going to medical school so she can have a future. And we are going to the assembly line to roll cigars. Wow. You know, it's like, yeah, like that's it. Yeah, and then they come to America, I get it, and then Miami's a very amazingly cultural place, but like when you live in a communist country

for 25 years, and then you come in with your family, you're like, you're probably set in your ways at that point. Yeah, right, right, right. But that's the other thing too. Okay. Right, you've all been trained another thing I super noticed about Cuba was everything

Like the beer in Cuba was an unreasonably level of fresh I don't know how I don't know why and it was this Cuban brand I can't fucking remember the name of that but it was everywhere. We just kept drinking because it was like I love I can't fucking remember the name of that, but it was everywhere and we just kept drinking it. It was like, I love Mexican lager. It's the best. Modelo's. Modelo, fucking, it's funny, in my neighborhood in Bed-Stuy,

the bodega, it's 24 hours on the weekends. It's one of those bodegas, it's like we close when people stop buying shit, but they sell dollar negro Modelo's. What? And I was like, that's crazy, and I looked at it and wondered, oh, expired in 2022? Fuck it though. That was the right price then.

I'll still take it. But like, you know, Pacifico, but like any like, but like it's similar, but something, it was so, it was like, you ever have beer in Ireland? I think Ireland is the same thing. Like. Well, the column says the taps are all different, in different bars.

So every city, 98% of the bars, they go no, but there's a war between two bars so every city they 98% of the bars they go no but there's a war between two bars in every city they have better Guinness no they have better Guinness. Dude the best if you add my favorite beer on earth is a Smittix in Dublin. Interesting. That is my favorite beer on earth. Smittix is underrated. Oh hell I I like it red ale fucks the red ale fucks the hardest But like a smittix from a fucking pub in even in Temple Bar even in like that area. It's my favorite Beverage my favorite alcoholic beverage. Yeah, there's an but it has to be in Ireland

Yeah, and it has to be a smittix and it has to be in Ireland, and it has to be a Smittix, and it has to be from the fuckin', ooh, from the tap. That was the Ecuadorian, the Pilsner. I mean, this shit's really, this shit. You see that Pilsner there? What's that? Is that Pilsner in the Globe bar? Yeah. Yeah, that's an Ecuadorian beer.

Yeah, dude. Called Pilsner, and it's like, it's that or Klub, and it's like, but that's the one. That's the working man. Yeah, but that's what we were drinking, whatever we were drinking in Cuba, that shit was, it tasted like, wow, this just came out of the fuckin out of the cold till we don't know I don't have the brew hole whatever whatever beers like finished in that shit was so good

advice I would have is straight up like I think this is advice for every fucking American because this does piss me off even with Americans who travel enough like remember that you're in a foreign country. Just in general. In general. Right. It's not like you're going to get fucking shanked in Cuba. I'm not saying that.

I'm just saying like, because we had a couple, like I said, there was 10 of us. Six of us have traveled before. Three of us have traveled as much as I had. And then there were a few of the guys, they're my boys, but who clearly don't travel enough. And it was like, hey man, A, tone it fucking down vocally. Tone it fucking down.

B, stop fucking flashing the fact that you're an American all over the place. Stop it. Like A. Why do they ever come up at all? Exactly, not just for your safety, but you're being a fucking arrogant dickhead right now Like just chill the fuck out beat like in my opinion whenever I know you're this guy And we've that we've only been to one or two places internationally, but like what Australia Australia and maybe Edinburgh

And but I think we're at Edinburgh at the same time Yes, we were I don't think we were I was 17 and 19 time. I guess we were. I don't think we were. I was 17 and 19. You were not there at the time. Oh really? Oh you're right. But you travel, like I travel, like I think a lot of people travel, to fucking sort of like disappear into the culture.

To a degree, yeah. To a degree, yeah. I'm not trying to like become a different person, but I'm like, I'ma start. I'm gonna start smoking while I crouch and fucking my shirt. But like. Oh in China? You're not just hawking loogies indoors? But I'm like I'm a star while I crouch and fucking my shirt

Yeah, but like to an agree, you know, let me have the food you're not just Shitting in the corner of a mall Ripping demon belches in packed subway cars Did you notice that dude? You just speak like, and just, ah yeah, what the fuck was that? And you're some old guy. There's no worst. These fucking mainlanders. There's no worst. Dude, I mean, so, I went to, when I, When I went over there, I went to Hong Kong first.

Oh, what, wrong order. Or maybe it's like, oh, let me get used to a little of. But yeah, but that was the thing, it was like, oh, let me get used to a little of. I mean, but yeah, but I was thinking it was they. It's like Mets have warned you at least. Oh, dude, dude. So much so that I was like, should I go to the mainland or should I just stay here? You know the saying I got from them?

Yeah. They go, listen, they're trying to be nice. Not every mainlander will shit in a mall. Like on the floor in a mall. But if you see shit on the floor of a mall, it was a mainlander I've never racism like like Hong Kong people against mainland Cantonese. Yeah Versus Chinese better than them. They're all talking about a Chang It sucks that Hong Kong's now part of China, or like, but like, I loved Hong Kong.

But I went Hong Kong for a week, and had just a week, amazing time. Did a couple shows, but then it was there, and then I went Chengdu, which is the, you're like, Chengdu, what's that, the small, what small Chinese town is that? You're like, oh yeah, one of their smaller, only 11 million people. Only bigger.

It's Suzhou. It's huge. And then I went to Hangzhou, which I think is just a suburb basically of Shanghai. Then Shanghai, then Beijing. But every place got more intensely Chinese. So by the time I was in Beijing, Beijing to me was like,

this is what Americans think of China. That's what it felt like. Where it was just like, like, like Chengdu was where like all the pandas are. So there was a lot of tourism and a lot of like panda shit. Yeah. Shanghai, what, 28 million people or something. But it still felt very international still.

It felt more like Hong Kong, but it was three times. Beijing was Chinese tourists. Yeah, Beijing felt like all right, man This is that a that was where I was like, oh that's smog He's grab it out of the sky and have an app where they're like, I gotta take the bus I can't walk to work and like that's that was bad. It was 2018 So you like everyone's wearing masks and you're like, no, I get it and in a couple years, I'm gonna get it Yeah twice actually turns out but I'll be fine, vaxxed. But like, the fucking, that was debasing, dude.

That was just straight up, like when I checked into the hotel it was nighttime and I'd get there, and they're just, all the employees are just sleeping in cots behind the thing, behind the desk. And I'm like, oh, I'm like, look at him, I'm like, there's three employees, they're all sleeping. I'm like, oh, I'm I'm like look I'm like there's three employees are all sleeping I'm like, uh There's not a bell

So I just knocked on the on the down though like don't think and one of them just like begrudgingly got up It was like and I had a person with me like cuz I was doing shows Or she they spoke a Mandarin. Oh, that was a thing. I did enjoy because I was there with you know, those guys Mohammed and Andy curtain Yeah, I was with Mohammed and he was like, you know, he speaks fluent Mandarin. So he was like taking me around Yeah, guys cool shit I got a real shit. Yeah Drops just fucking full Mandarin. Yeah, it's so weird to see a non-Chinese speaking like that.

Without a problem, and he was so fucking cool, and he fucking, but every hotel he negotiated, I loved it. Every hotel they would be like, you know, okay so it's 115, you know, what is their fucking currency again? U.N., Y.U.E. And he would be like, 85. And they'd be like, no, it's 110. He'd be like, how about 90?

And they'd be like, 95. And it was just. Wow. Every time. That was an option? He's like, dude, everywhere. And I'm like, I didn't have the balls to do it. He's like, seriously, when you go to bars,

we go to restaurants, do it if you feel like it. I'm like, I'm terrified that there's just a fucking sniper following me around the whole time. Because that was the thing when I went to Shanghai, they had to shut the club down that week because President Jinping was in town. So they shut down all performance-based everything and all the gay bars, which don't exist, but they do.

China ruled so fucking hard. China was fucking wild, dude. China was wild. Dude, every time I watch China on this podcast, people are like, oh, you're a communist apologist China's ruled so fucking hard. Every time we're talking about China on this podcast, people are like, oh, you're a communist apologist or whatever. And it's like, do you think we go for the government? That's also not real communism. It's not real.

It's not even communist. It's capitalist. That's capitalist. But also it's like we're not going to these places. By the way, if you come to America, you're not voting for a war in Afghanistan. You're just coming to eat some fucking hot dogs. Yeah, dude, it was also like, you go to every Chinese city. It's so fucking fun.

I did so much cocaine in Beijing. I did so much fucking cocaine in Beijing. Did you say Tiananmen Square out loud? I said, where's Tiananmen Square? I got slapped for saying it but not but not the nut like Andy curtain he slapped you slap me in the chest so don't please don't like we were in a cab and I was like so I can't say Timmy he just gave me the and you rules and when we got out we were going to this we're going to this restaurant he's like mate he's all he's all right yeah I just

hung out with him I love that dude he's like mate he's like, mate, he's like, I just hung out with him. I love that dude, he's like, mate, he's like, not around nationals. He's like, you say it to me, but don't even say it to me. I made a joke, they're like, no jokes about the government, I'm like, sure, I don't have any fucking jokes about the Chinese government, it's fine. And then I was doing jokes about American government at the time, and I go, in a riff, I go, my country actually needs a fucking Mao

to fucking murder up a bunch of our senators who affects them right. The whole crowd's like, dude like dude it was like it wasn't this like funny or not funny it was like what the fuck you doing man it was like it was like you put us all in danger right now dude my favorite story I heard that you know James Domian yeah James Domian if you don't know brilliant across the board just a fucking brain over he was there a couple years before me and when they were in Hangzhou,

they were doing a show at this bar and the show got shut down while he was on stage, because they didn't have a performance license or some shit, cops came in, officials came in, stopped the show, checked everyone's ID, identification, interviewed everyone as to what was being talked about on stage, so no one could leave this bar. And Adomian, well I love him, but he's also one of these hardcore,

like just anti-government across the board people, with this mega left wing, I love Adomian. I think he's gotta, gotta, like him and I were living together in New York during Occupy Wall Street, and it was my first time ever being like, man, you political as fuck. You're like scraping together money to buy a shitload of pizza to bring to a bunch

of protestors who could all afford pizza. They're in the financial district. Let's go get pizza. But anyway, but he was, so the story goes, the officials leave after hours, and James is just incensed by this idea of government so he like gets back on stage to try and start the show back up and the whole audience Was like it's a no no, it's a we're not we will walk the fuck out of here. We don't get off stage

Yeah, I'll stand up like you're not in la during the fucking gay gay marriage protests They'll just beat the shit out of you. You will just be disappeared. I met a guy in Ecuador who was from Hong Kong. He said he was part of the revolution, whatever. He was 22 years old. And he goes, it was fun. You try to free your government and stuff,

free from the government. And he goes, and then I had a gun pointed at my face from a cop who was authorized to use it. And I'm like, what am I doing here? I don't care this much. Yeah, get the fuck out of there. I mean, that's also like, that's why'm like, what am I doing here? I don't care this much. Yeah, get the fuck out of there. I mean, that's also like, that's why I like, actually, can I have a second?

Oh, are we going way too long? No, I'm just looking at the time I have. Four minutes? Four minutes? Before this runs out, four minutes. Can I have a second answer to your, where do you wanna go? Yeah.

South America, just all of it. The whole fucking thing is calling me. I wanna go, I would love to in order, go Columbia, Argentina, then Brazil, no. Columbia? I would like to go Columbia, Peru, Chile, Argentina, Brazil, and if we can, Venezuela, but I don't think we can. Anyway, I'd like to see it all, but like,

I feel like South America is just like the most overlooked of all the, of all the tell you what? I was overlooked. You know how like they have like a Number one of the vet over you're just skipping right past Ecuador and it's for sure Yeah, they want to go there. It's no one. They don't have I don't think they have a tourism department Yeah, so no one know it's the coolest and you go right you can go right through it Oh, I want to see that dude. I fucking love you should do it You can learn a nominal amount of Spanish on just do a lingo get by like directions left right, you know

I want to Columbia for some reason just everything about your rules do the chicharron is the best fucking great ideas For the fruits the best you've done ayahuasca in Peru, right in Ecuador in Ecuador is where you do it Yeah, is it so no you can do it all those the the idea of those like let's say this was South America These are made-up lines and so you have like an indigenous people that goes this way so just the Andes is like is like all the same people but so the simple lies like well this Stops Peru and starts Ecuador and But the indigenous people are like, well we didn't have that line. Wait, did you, when David was on,

did he talk to you about Machu Picchu? No, we just talked turkey. Oh, wow. He went to Machu Picchu? Yeah, him and, I mean, I don't know. I was so happy, because I'm like, sure I'll have mine, I don't know. Because if I don't hang out with a comic,

I don't know how they actually are. Dude, his episode was fucking great. This one was great. He parties, bro. But also, him and Bob just hiked Machu Picchu and filmed it. No. It's going to come out as like a thing of two fucking 60-year-old

dudes, comedy friends. Yeah, they just did it like this year. Damn. Yeah. I got to sit in a car with Bob and David and drive from LA to San Diego last year and just listening to the two of them go at each other. I was like, this is for this two and a half hour,

three hour ride, comedy heaven. It hit me when I was talking to him because I'd never met him. I've seen him around. But it's like you forget, years go by, you just forget, you've grown in stature. And it was like, Beto Carlisle was great and whatever. But I'm like, oh dude, Mr. Show, it hit me.

I'm like, it was just one of those pure things. I was like, you just hit a line that's rarely hit. Yeah. I realized as I was saying, I was like, oh right. You crushed it. What's amazing about Mr. Show is I've probably I've watched it on Max right now. I've rewatched it so many times. Every single sketch. Every single sketch holds up and 30% of them they couldn't do today, which is awesome. True, true, but anyway, yeah, but

like, uh, yeah, I would awesome. Yeah, true, true. But anyway, yeah, but like, yeah, I would love to go to South America too. South America is like, I really wanna, I- Talon went to Ecuador. Sam? Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. He had some chips, but the whole place, there's a festival every like county once a year,

every county in the whole fucking South America. So you'd recommend Ecuador first? Among many, that's the one I know. I spent six months there during the pandemic, but like- Oh, that's where you fucking went there? Among many, that's the one I know. I spent six months there during the pandemic. But like. Oh, that's where you fucking went there? Yes, okay. But I don't know all of them.

I forgot about your fucking. Yeah. We got 40 seconds left. Let me just one last time plug your fucking show. I put an insert in there. What is it? It's on FX? It's called English Teacher.

It comes out on FX, September 2nd. It's out now. It's fucking. It's out now. Yeah, it's great. Like it's capital G. I'm so happy for September 2nd. It's out now. It's out now. Yeah, it's great. Like it's capital G. I'm so happy for you buddy. Thanks bud. It's been a mainstream fucking

success like that. If you don't know Sean and you want to and I'll put this in the insert too so it'll be in an hour 40 minutes ago. Mm hmm. But is this not happening? He's on the Mount Rushmore of Storytelling Comics. That one rules dude.

Let's bring it back. Let's bring it back is right. Yeah. I'll talk to you about it. Yeah. I'm thinking about it. Um and what's it called? Uh English to you about it. Yeah, I'm thinking about it What's it called? English teacher English teacher. Yeah on FX on FX. Oh, yeah need some fucking mainstream success Do it bud. Thank you. Yeah Alright, bye Well guys, that's it. That's what we got. That's our episode for today Sean Patton. Thank you very much

Don't forget to look him up on Instagram and tell him you like to give him a follow. Mr. Sean, Mr. Sean Patton, thank you very much. Don't forget to look him up on Instagram and tell him you liked him. Give him a follow. Mr. Sean, Mr. Sean Patton, is that right? Mr. Sean Patton, yeah. Check him out on the road and check out his new show, English Teacher on FX. Dude, a legit sitcom. You should have seen how happy the comedy community was when Sean Patton, when the word got out.

That he booked a pilot and that it went to air. It's like, there's something that happens when like some of of us get bypassed and we all see this kind of unfair. It nags at us. It nags at all of us, like, hey, things are going well, but that fucking talented guy's kind of left behind. He's doing fine, you know, but not like,

not like he should, he should be a household name. He should be a millionaire. But now he's got this sitcom just as sitcoms are starting to get hot. It's gotta be good for him. I hope he's gonna be able to do these theaters soon because he's so fucking funny. So check him out. The Jew vinyl has been printed. It's being shipped to Phoenix to ship out. Those will all go.

All the signed ones are gone. The other ones, you can get everything at recheffere.com. Grinders, T-shirts, old Yamakas from the Jew special. What else? I think that's it. It's gotta be something else. The rest of the Shroomfest shirts if you celebrate Shroomfest this year. And it's it. It's gotta be something else. The rest of the Shroomfest shirts if you celebrate Shroomfest this year

And it's subscribe I'm also getting those people that I wanted to help me make those clips Fans who watch watch some of my podcast episodes for a little extra scratch not much a little If you sent me a message before I might have lost it I need like five of you just all you got to do is just watch Podcasts that I'm on not this one all the ones five of you. All you gotta do is just watch podcasts that I'm on, not this one, all the ones, and then I'll hook you up with one of my reps, and then they'll sign you an old one,

like an old Killtonia, an old Theo, or an old Rogan, or whatever, to watch something new and something old, and then just say the words that I shine. Could be fun. Those three of you already fucking dealt with. And sign up for the Patreon. Patreon.com slash you be trippin'.

Three times a month, extra episodes. The last one was all about trains and train travel. And then I read your postcards from around the globe. As you're on vacation, something cool I like to do is take a fucking trip get me a postcard out there Tell me kind of what you did my advice is write the letter No Put the stamp on first then write the letter cuz you're gonna run out of space You're gonna be covered up and I read those on the patreon and then look up that country or anything else

It just gets me going and then I'm filling up my whole patreon wall with all your postcards for like 10 up there It's pretty cool That's all available and all the old skeptic tanks are up there with all the travel all the travel related ones anyway or up there sounds of the Amazon recorded the Amazonian jungle for like two hours when I was there just like listen to it I don't know it's fun fun stuff but stuff we having fun. I think that's it. Next week on the podcast, Shane Gillis will be on talking about his time abroad in Spain in a small town outside outside Madrid, but Barcelona. I forgot, but that's a good one. I'm unveiling

I forget but that's a good one. I'm unveiling podcast studio West next week a brand new studio West this is still my main one and then I'll use the one on the West but that's that's it I guess we gotta wrap it up. Is there anything I gotta report? For the news or anything nothing. I got nothing. I got fucking nothing guys. This is a wrap-up with no form Today's episode was edited by Alan Caffe produced by your mom's house network They're a lovely network and if you out there have a successful podcast and a little bit Unclear on the direction you're headed. I'm not joking. They're not giving me any money to say this you should call them Because they're starting a fucking

What's the word Empire God damn it Ari. I mean at some point you gotta say I gotta stop smoking weed. If you can't remember the word empire, you at some point have to go something's up here. In flow would've been great, cause they're starting an empire. Or this, cause they're starting, uh, what is that thing? Losing fans, losing fans, tune out, tune out. Don't forget to subscribe, tune out, tune out. Empire, what? We're already gone, we're not even listening anymore. And as always, keep reaching out on YouTube especially, we have a Ubi Trippin.

You know what, Heather, let's put up a UB Trippin. You know what, Heather? Let's put up a UB Trippin with all the guests and then just say who else do you wanna see and have people suggest it there. But in the meantime, leave us a comment on the YouTube. I've got a lot of guests because of your recommendations. Wanton Don. God, I fucking don't know.

I fucking don't know. God damn. I mean, I did... Spliff. It's not even... It's just, it's a long-term degenerative effect. That's like legitimately problematic. I mean, I could look up with it anyway. So you suggest them if they're big enough and more interesting enough to me I'll fucking reach out and try. Who knows? Does anybody know the ball? Whatever. Guys, until next week let's just sign this out right?

Subscribe, get my Jew vinyl, half of them are already gone and that's it. I'll see you next week let's just sign this out right hit subscribe get my Jew vinyl half already gone and that's it I'll see you next week with Shane but oh wait adios adios amigos I gotta say in the Cuban way adios amigos it came off drunk I didn't mean it drunk I just mean that like they their words adios amigos adios amigos adios adios muchachos