You Be Trippin' - Guatemala w/ Robert Kelly | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: April 13, 2026

The End is Ari's new storytelling show! It's almost here! Premieres April 16 on https://theend.ymhstudios.com/ . Presale pricing only available for a short time! You get 7 full, nearly hour long episodes of completely unfiltered stories for $24.99. Goes up 20% on April 16 to $30 so get the presale sale price! Follow Bobby Kelly: IG: https://www.instagram.com/robertkellylive YT: https://www.youtube.com/@RobertKellyComedy SPONSORS: -For a limited time, our listeners get 50% off FOR LIFE, Free Shipping, AND 3 Free Gifts at Mars Men at https://Mengotomars.com -Start your new morning ritual & get up to 43% off your @‌MUDWTR with code TRIPPIN at https://mudwtr.com/TRIPPIN ! #mudwtrpod -Grab your own pair of The Dillon Freewaters flip-flops while supplies last at ⁠https://freewaters.com⁠ Thanks to YMH's very own Katelyn for help with this flipflop ad!!!! This week on You Be Trippin’, Ari Shaffir rolls with Bobby Kelly on a wild trip to Guatemala. Bobby takes us from immediately losing all his cash to checking out ancient ruins, a 400-year-old church, and one of the oldest outdoor markets in the world. Jungle drives, chicken buses, unexpected detours for local gods… and Bobby came down with dysentery to make this trip unforgettable. ¡Adiós pues! Subscribe and catch new episodes every week. You Be Trippin' Ep. 114 https://www.instagram.com/arishaffir https://www.instagram.com/youbetrippinpod https://arishaffir.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:58 - Bobby Is Complicit In Ari's Crimes 00:07:37 - Ari went to Guatemala 00:14:45 - Smoking Cigars 00:24:24 - Bob's Taking Us To Guatemala 00:29:36 - Landing In Guatemala 00:30:52 - Stopping At Ancient Ruins 00:41:55 - Arriving In A Random Town At Night 00:48:11 - Going On An Unexpected Excursion For A Guatemalan God 01:06:36 - Going To The Oldest Outdoor Market In The World 01:22:11 - Visiting 400 Year Old Church 01:29:14 - Driving Back Through The Jungle 01:37:18 - Bobby Gets Dysentery 01:53:44 - Revisiting Places 01:59:20 - What Are Chicken Busses? 02:04:09 - Where Does Bobby Want To Go Next? 02:10:54 - Bobby's Award 02:14:06 - Outro Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, before we start the episode, I want you to know the end is coming. The end is nigh. It's this week. It's Thursday. April 16th that comes out. My storytelling show, my legendary storyteller show, The End is out this Thursday. Get an episode for $5.99. Robert Kelly, the guest on this week's episode of You Be Trippin, is on one.

In addition to Sam Talent, Sarah Tolamash, Shane Gillis, and Dan Soder is on that episode. So 106. And this also, I'm in two different episode, three actually. I'm hosting and you should get it. If you want to support me in all my endeavors, this is the time to do it. But you can get all the episodes for $2,99, $30,000, starting on Thursday. However, right now, if you want, and I suggest you do, beat the rush and get all seven one-hour episodes of the end, my live storytelling show.

You probably know it under a different name, but it's not that show. It's not that show. Wake, Wink. That's what my law, you're told me to say. It's different than that other show. The culmination of the coolest storytelling show, it's the coolest stand-up show. in televised history. I'm not saying that lightly.

Launch the careers of so many people you know, and we'll continue to do that in this, the end. All episodes for 2499, go to Ari Shafir.com right now and grab one. All right, let's start this episode, Guatemala. Watch the bumpers in this one because I filmed them in cool spots. I stole this.

Magic mine? No, immunity shot. You stole that from the place? Right now. Yeah, right in front of you. Complicit. I'm not complicit. I'm not complicit because I didn't see it

If I saw it I was like, you're stealing that? You know the movies they would say You're complicit in this You were there Are you hat in it? What? Are you hat in it?

I might take it off. What do you think? I can take it off. I like my hat. I'll do my hat. Okay. Buddy, I'm not complicit because Here's a deal.

Yeah. In the movies they say complicit Oh, you were there You should have you know when they threatened people? Like, no, I didn't do it. I know nothing about it. But that's what they always say

And then the cop goes, oh yeah, I'm sure that won't that won't stand in court. That's a scare tactic. It's not real. 100% what were you doing? I didn't see him do it. He got me in for a bagel.

I didn't know he was a klepto. I didn't know this is what he done. You didn't know as a clepto? Didn't know. You didn't know as a clepto? No, never. Would you pass a lie detector on that? Yes, I would.

You didn't know as a clefto? No, I did not. Dollar for make this. $10 if you don't. Let's go. Crazy. You stole another one? Oh, that you pulled two out.

Where you've been and where you're going This is our race travel show Yeah We're going to talk about travel today It's you What do you want to do for cigars for this? Oh, I forgot both Okay, listen

Yeah Here's the deal I'm gonna present you with something It's a choice of three Okay There is the holy grail The motherfuckers And they actually have something to do

With a trip we've taken, right? then we have the very unique the very rare cigar that I don't think you know about okay a lot of people don't know about okay and you really can't get and I have that one yeah okay but then I have the dangerous the the a cigar I got oh God it had to be I'm here I can hear you it has to be sorry I really was talking about You're trying to get to the home public It's like a black comic

I was just repeating it A cigar A cigar You hear me, you know Um Buddy I got this cigar Yeah

It has to be okay Ten years ago Ten years ago I bought a box of these I smoked them all Except for two And I've saved these two For me and you

But over the years Every time we were going to go smoke Something came up something happened, we smoke something else, blah, blah, blah. But these, I don't know if we smoke these, if they're going to be garbage or the best cigar. Are they acids? No.

I would never smoke an acid. You gave me two acids once. Probably because I didn't want them. I'm looking back on it now, probably because you didn't want them. Yeah, I don't smoke. I was thinking maybe it'd be like, this thing, like, you already gave it to me,

but no, now I realized you didn't give me the shit once. I don't like it. You're a king of giving shits. So you have to make a choice, and I'm going to show you the choices. Okay. So I'm not going to just make it the choice. But I want to show you, okay, look at this one choice you can see.

Look how dark the wrapper is. Oh, my God. That's supposed to be a clear wrapper. Yeah. Look at how dark that is. Okay? Yeah. Okay.

So if people don't know that. If you get a cigar like this, you might go, oh, this cigar is old or it's crap. Yeah. It's just that it's been in a humidor for a long time. Now, I don't know. Here's the thing. I don't know if these are going to be good. They might suck.

Or we smoke these. Now, Tatawahe, my father, two of my favorite brands, correct? Right? Yep. So what did Tatahe and my father do? What do they do? Tatawha'i joined with my father. Evil Empire.

And my father joined with Tatawhatewaha. Like the Nazis and the Italians. A tataheahe, my father, my father, my father, Tatawhawee, my father, my father, Tatoape. It becomes, I believe it turns into a tattooahe turns into a my father. I believe, and then my father. My father turns into Tatawai, like a camel crush? I believe so. Like a camel crush.

So you have the Tatawahi first, my father second, and it has two bands. Look at two different bands from two different cigar companies. It has this down here. And then it's called La Union. A union. La Union. Yeah, maybe. Okay, so we have the dangers.

I'm going to rule those out. What does that have to do with Guatemala? It doesn't have any to do Guatemala, but it's very close to Nicaragua. Okay. And it's just a good, it's like, this cigar is like a good friend. Or. Or we go with something that was retrieved from Cuba. Cuba.

Cuba. On our last trip. See. We went to Hotel National. Now. That's your now. And, and we bought, I bought these, I bought a box of these. I put them in my carry on because I know better.

I mean, I put them in my check luggage because I know better. You took all your cigars and carried on because you're a numskull. And told the guy. And told the guy. Right. So I have, so these are gone. So we're not going to smoke these. I have one other possible option for you.

I know you like smoking yours, but those might be the ones. I want you to hold that. Those might be the ones. Ooh, the zombie. It's a zombieic. I'm pretty sure you can't get him anymore. I think we smoke these. And I don't know.

They could be shit. It could be shit. It could fuck us up. Got another possible option for you. Okay. I got a story for you about Guatemala. You do? Yeah.

You're not going to bring out a shit Guatemalan stick, right? No. Okay. No. I was in Antigua. Today's episode is Guatemala. That's Guatemala. It was in Antigua.

Yeah. Landed to the airport in Guatemala's silly. All the advice was to get the fuck out of there. straight in a cab with a French couple all the way to Antigua. Second day, I found a cigar lourge. Okay, it louged in Antigua. Yeah. Check it out.

I'm staying in a hostel. Let me whatever. Maybe second or third day. Went down there. I go, can I buy some cigars? Sure. Do you have Cubans? Absolutely we do.

Sure. Let me get one or two, whatever. And maybe I'll get, oh, you got a house blend. Let me try that. Let me try one of those. Now, I had some cigars on me that I brought with me. I brought five in a little tight case. And I was like, can I smoke in the lounge?

They go, well, it's going to be 20 ketsal. And I'm like, oh, no, you're not charging me to smoke in a lounge. Then I did the math, and it was about $1.40. Yeah. It's called this. It's called a cutting fee. Yeah, sure. But I bought it there, but I bought it there.

Doesn't matter. Well, okay, you bought the scar there. It does matter. That doesn't matter. Yes. So, yeah. So. So.

But if it's a VIP lounge? Wasn't that VIP. So there are three of the people there. Man, woman, dude. And all North American accents and I'm talking to them and whatever. One's from Texas, two or one's from Calgary, one's from somewhere else. I'm talking to them the guy leaves and it's another couple. It's like, so how did you guys find this place?

And they go, we own it. I go, oh, really? They're like, yeah, we're Canadian. We got married in Alberta. She's from maybe BC. I'm not sure. We've been living here for 20 plus years. And I was like, oh, it's so cool.

We're talking for a while. And I was like, you get Cubans like, yeah, Cubans all the time. What we have trouble with is getting American ones. And I go, well, I have a, are you familiar with Nick Malillo? And they go, yeah, we know who that is. And I go, I have one of his sticks. And they go, if you bring me one of those, like, we can't find him my father. It's foundation.

No, I know, but we can't find. They mention that. Like, we can't find it my father. Like, that's rarer for us. I'm like, I'm flush with those. And they go, that's rarer for us. I go, if you bring in a foundation cigar or my father's cigar, I'll trade you for some Cuban cigars because we can't find them. And I was like, all right, if I come back.

And I left a week later, came back to anything to you go, traded him. I gave him a Rogan. I was like, told him the whole story of the Rogan. It was like, this guy, Nick, made this blend. I was like, do you familiar with my father, the judge, and how they made this for the guy? They're like, I know that whole story. Go, well, this guy made it for this guy, Joe Rogan. It's a podcast.

So they go, what's a podcast? I'm like, it's like an internet radio show. They were like, wow, I had won. They go, we'll trade you. And they gave me some placentias from Cuban. And I have yet to smoke them. But I got them from Guatemala, literally from Guatemala. They told me how the Cuban cigar quality has gone down and why.

But they had these. And they go, let's make a trade. So I'm putting that into the ring too. Can I see them? Yep. Those are your cigar fingers? Uh-huh. what are the odds that I actually brought it here

or if it's in my house Do you have a humidor in your house? I do. It's just a box. I'm happy to tell you, Bob. It's in my house. So we're not smoking those. So we're not smoking those. So that whole story.

That whole story went... That whole thing that you got my... Literally, like, you got me wet. That whole thing, it was like, wow, of course we're smoking these cigars. We're going to smoke the... of course we're smoking. Of course.

The Cubans from Guatemala, from the couple that you gave a Rogan to. Yeah, it would have been. And you don't have them. I don't have them. So you just wanted to tell that story. I wanted to tell a story and smoke the cigar. Right. But you got the story first.

You didn't get, you didn't think about, you thought about this right now. You were like, I got a story. Because that's your thing, stories. You love stories. You did my storytelling show. Yeah, I did. I did do it. But you're a story guy, so you put the story before the cigar.

You don't happen. Stop looking in there. Stop. They're not going to appear. Shut that. Put that down. They're not. That'd be funny if they just appeared.

Wow. Hold on. Let me see if they're in this bag. God damn it. How far is your house? How far is your house? That's a 15-minute walk. Yeah, we're not going to do that.

Okay, so that's out. Would have been nice. I need a second. To recover from that. Yeah, man, because... I've been saving these placentias for a year and a half. For the right moment, there's no writer moment. Let me offer you a Cuban cigar.

Let me offer you a Cuban cigar with a story behind it of a place we're about to go. Yeah, that's a tough... But the thing is, is that I let up with all my little cigar stories. Yeah. Like this one. that one and then and then you you literally took us to another level with your story and I was like my God this is great yeah this is what podcasting is made it has it all this is what it is yeah this is what it is and then you you forgot that you didn't have this guts can you please shut the box

they're not in one last look there's not they're not in there I mean I would see it it's a gray band that's not it's not in there Welcome to UVTrip. What? So shitty. It was so shitty not to have that here. Oh. I wore my Guatemalan shirt.

Yeah. Gai and then I would have been so fucking perfect. Well, what do you want to smoke? Esso is the Guatemala. I think we smoke these or we smoked this because this is a rehash of the last episode that we were on. Yeah. I want to try those fucking. Let's try these.

Let's try these. There's a rant. There's two in there. There's one that's one that's. older than like not older. Zombie enterdote. Zombie enterdote. I think one is like seven years old and the old one is like eight or ten years old.

Best if used by. Does it say that? No. Oh God. Close your eyes. I'll mix it up and then you pick one. Hold on a mixing a mixin a mixing a mixin a mix in a mix in a mix in. Point right or left.

Okay. Open your eyes. That one. Oh boy. You're going to smoke the rough one. Wow. I don't want you smoke this one. Why?

I want you to have at least I don't know how that I smoke Ecuadorian cigars What does that mean? I mean, I can handle that Let me see it Guys, you're gonna have to do some Either put all this at the end

Or do like a I don't understand how you get all this But we haven't started the podcast yet We haven't gotten to Ecuador I mean Guatemala Jesus smells like that farm Ooh, there does Hi guys

Ari Sharfair here Breaking into today's episode to let you know a little bit about the guest Robert Kelly He's one of the finest comedians working today. So I've also got specials available on YouTube, Killbox, and live from the Village Underground. I think Robert Kelly Live is another one.

I don't know the titles of these things, you guys. I just know he kills. Robert is one of my best friends. You can go see him live right now. Get tickets at Robert Kelly Live.com. You can go see him at Unconsville, Connecticut, Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey at Uncle Vinnie's, Cleveland, Ohio at Hilarity, Stanford, Connecticut,

New Orleans, Louisiana, at Howlin Wolf, Mobile, Alabama, Levittown, New York, Austin, Texas, and the mothership, and Brooklyn, New York, and September. Get tickets at robert Kelly Live.com. Guys, subscribe for me. Right here. You be tripping pot. Oh, shit. I'm going to tip.

Later in the episode, Robert Kelly talks about going in there. There's a long thing down there where you can kind of go in. Otherwise, just a round lake. That's a volcano. That's a volcano. That's a volcano. First time I came here, the sunset right through those two. I was kind of down there. Those fucking boats go by and they leave awake.

It kind of blows. Robert, you're my best friends. I got to tell you when I smoked that cigar, if you're listening, I don't know if you are. But if you're listening, we made a deal to smoke a cigar on the same day, Lost City, Opus X, Lost Cities. And I smoked it in a fucking nothing beginning. I got to tell you I smoked it in a like a nothing beach town. Plyama Rio. There's like a little hike you can see a sunset and there was a thunderstorm, thunder and lightning.

Right this way. It was a thunder and lightning storm and and I just sat there on my deck and I smoked that cigar and I had watched the thunder and the lightning lightning going off. We were like, boom, we would light up the whole fucking little point there where you could like go hike up and watch a sunset. But you can watch it over that, but you could go up there and watch it past it. And I just thought about you, man. I just thought about all our friendship and all the great cigars we smoked. It started with that, but just in general, like, what a great, you're such a great part of my life, buddy. I know this is too earnest for a comedy podcast, but you're, you're legit one of my best

friends. I sat there smoked that fucking one of the finest cigars ever smoked. And I thought about you. I thought about our time together. And it's been a great time. And I honestly, don't regret what happened between us. That day, I think it was just a show of, a physical show of our emotional ties to each other. I don't think it says anything about us in particular. Openness, perhaps, an ability to, like, roll with the punches, so to speak. But no, I don't regret.

at all. I don't know if you told your lady about it and how she reacted, but, um, listen, I don't think we should do it again. That's obvious, you know, I don't think either one of us want to do it again. Um, but it happened. And I don't know how confusing it was for you. It was very confusing for me and I had a lot to deal with later, but I realized I had nothing to do with any sort of lifelong, like, um, uh, way of being, you know, like I'm not, A different person now. I'm not in different things. And nothing's going to change kind of who I hang out with.

I'm not going to start protesting fucking, you know, Chappelle fucking specials now, you know. So I'm saying nothing changed. I'm still the same guy. And you're still the same guy. And anyway, the point is, I love you, buddy. All right, let's get back to the episode. Also, you can see Robert Kelly right now.

you can buy his episode of The End. It's available at, you can buy his episode for $10, or you can get all the episodes for a discount of $50. Yeah, for a discount. Get Roberts, get everybody else's. The proceeds go to the comedians, and to me, and to YMH, and to Eric Abrams, and there's just a bunch of people, and I've wanted to charge or whatever.

But communities are making some Moolah out of the comedians. making some mullah out of this one. So get your episode right now. Sign up, subscribe wherever you're watching or listening. Tag U.B. Tripping. The U.B. Tripping pod, if you sign up for a... If you put your sticker up somewhere, or if you see one of the stickers that I put up

and you think it's one of the ones I put up and then tag you be tripping pot and I'll get you, which I do. Maybe a free ticket to a... I'm not touring for a while, so that won't work. Well, we'll at least repost you. We'll at least repost you. Tell him where you saw it too and what you did there.

Like a little story. All right, guys. Let's get back to the episode. Bobby, I love you, buddy. Hey, everybody. Arch Javier, I'm breaking in to tell you that I got the price wrong. Whoa. It's not 99 per episode.

Tom told me that was crazy. He said people are way too poor. They can't afford that. He said 50 bucks for the season is nuts. He goes, I get it. He goes, that's a bottle of water for me. But that's for them, that's like about a weak salary. And I'm like, a weak salary.

What do you have a bottle of water, 50 bucks? He goes, well, I go into businesses, take them over, buy them and then sell them off, get the waters. They end up cost me about 50 bucks apiece after that. I don't do it for a profit. I just do it for the waters. I enjoy expensive, he said. So the real price is $5.99 per episode for an hour-long stand-up kind. That's about a dollar every 10 minutes.

Or you can get $7 for the price of $5 if you buy the whole series, $2,99. Although also, if you get it right now, you can get $7 for the price of $4. If you get it before the 15th, you get it to do it by the 15th. So today's Monday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, get it for 2499 for the entire series. Now let's get back to go to Arieshaffir.com to buy The End. My dream come true. You'll be supporting me and you'll be getting the sickest televised stand-up in decades.

And maybe one decade. Okay, back to Guatemala. Welcome to Ubi Trippin, everybody. It's a travel podcast. It's the only one in the world that has two. two comedians smoking cigars while they talk. Now, my guest today is Bobby Kelly, and he's been to Guatemala.

I've been there too, but he's going to tell us about it. Every week on this show, a guest who's been to someplace takes us to that place, tells us about their trip. It's not a travel guide. It's experiential, so they just tell us what they did. We get facts wrong, left and right in here. If you want to correct us in the comments, go ahead.

We don't care. The most common comment we get, you got everything wrong. That's what this podcast is all about. Now, Bobby Kelly is making his second appearance on this podcast. First was when went to Cuba and you got me that. I did. Isn't that beautiful?

It is beautiful. I mean, and did you know I was getting that for you? No. It is. You hit me with it in the airport. I guess we talked about it in the outro, right? We did. We did.

It's such a beautiful. I love art. I love art. And it doesn't have to be, you know, holy God. This is worth, you know, $20,000. I love local art. If you can find a local artist. I remember in New York City

They used to have this guy that would Anytime they ripped down a building To build a new building He would break into the site at night And dig through the rubble And he would find Rubble He would find

It is a great word He would find spoons and forks And cups from like the 30s Or 20s then he would go back and find out Sounds like one of mine He would find out where it's from And then make art out of it And then on the back

You could find out this cup This coffee cup was from the 1920s. The spoon is from the 1930s. Oh, really? Oh, that's cool. And he would do all the research on it, and then I have it hanging on my wall. It's a coffee cup with a spoon, and it looks like it's smoking.

So he made a little, he halved it and made art out of it. What's this got to do with? I don't know. I just art. What are you doing? You're smoking the wrong way? No, I'm not.

This is the, I don't know. That's a good question with this one. You got to be this. You like this. No. Why would you light it completely enclosed thing? You're right. You need a torch?

Well, sometimes they close it. No, this is a cap. You're right. Yeah. So how old is it? It's got to be 10 years old. I bought this box. Box.

When I was working, when I worked, when I was headlining at Gotham. My first time, like, one of my first time. Here's how I know it's your first time because you said headlining. It's only a rookie thing to say. You would have been like, I was playing Gotham. Yeah. Back then, it meant something that you were headlining it. Exactly.

So let's talk about... Where are we going today, Bob? We're going to Guatemala. Guatemala. Guatemala. Yeah. And here's the thing. Home of the Gallo beer.

Home with the Ketzel and the Ketzel Tika. This was the first trip that I took. Because look, I grew up in Medford, Massachusetts. I didn't, we didn't vacation. You didn't go anywhere. You went to, like, you went an hour away. You went to, like, Hampton Beach, maybe. or, you know, that's it.

You didn't do vacations. We didn't, you didn't go anywhere. My family never went anywhere. So then later in life, when I started to travel with stand-up, I think the first place I went was Amsterdam. I was, I fell in love with other places. I was like, oh, my God, look at the cobblestone and the buildings and the people. And I loved it. But then there's another form of traveling when you're traveling into a place that is dangerous.

that's another level of traveling. Yeah. Canada, you don't get that. The first country, the second country, we've been together besides America, Canada, not so dangerous. Third country, Denmark, not so dangerous. Not dangerous.

I mean, is there danger like any city? Yes, but it's nice. You can go anywhere. Walk around, coffee, wear a scarf, a fucking dumb hat. Leave your baby outside. Jump up. Leave your baby in a stroller outside while you're in a store,

shopping. Not suggested, but yes. They were doing that left and right when we were there. They were, yeah. We were like, what? I remember the guy was like, what do you mean? Like, what if somebody steals your baby? He goes, what?

Why would someone do that? That's like saying, what if someone gouges his eyes out? Who's going to do that? But here's the thing. When I was Jack Vaughn, you know Jack Vaughn. He was, started coming to Central Records. Okay. He worked at serious, blah, blah.

He's a very talented guy, very good guy. But he's a very thin, small dude. Wouldn't even, he's just, you know, I mean, you wouldn't even, if I told you this guy was a world traveler, an adventurer, Jack Vaughn, that's right. You would be like, no way. He lived in Guatemala for, he went to high school in Guatemala. His father, his father was like, worked for the U.S. and in Guatemala.

They lived there. I believe there was seven assassination attempts on his father's life. Didn't, none hit. I think the book is called Kill the Gringo. His father's book? Really? I believe so. Yeah.

Bring it up. Kill the Gringo. I got it. There's a book on his father. Yeah, they tried to kill him seven times, I believe. He survived. He survived. No, that's a movie.

Sorry. Really? Hang on. Let me find the book. Kill the Gringo, the life of Jack Hood, Vaughn. That's it, yeah. Got it. That's it, yeah.

Okay. Great book, by the way. Really great read. This guy was. Unbelievable. Wow. Yeah, read a little bit of that, the thing. Read a bit of a little.

Life of Jack Vaughn. America, American diplomat of Peace Corps, U.S. Ambassador, Columbia, Panama, and he was in Guatemala. And so Jack lived there. Went to high school there. Wow. And he would go back and forth all the time.

So he calls me up one day. He goes, I'm going to Guatemala. Would you want to come? In my brain, I'm thinking South America. I'm thinking, Alcocoe. I'm thinking, you know what I mean? I'm thinking Aruba. I'm thinking,

I'm thinking this is going to be great. Of course I'll go. Yeah. I love rice and beans. You know what I mean? I love fajitas, right? So the night before we're going, I start to do a little research on Guatemala.

And I go to the website and it literally says, don't go. State Department website. It says if you don't need to go to Guatemala, don't. You can be robbed at the airport. I'm panicking now. Guatemala Travel Advisor. Let's see what it is right now.

Let's see what it is. Reconsider travel to Guatemala due to crime. Some areas have higher risk. Please, we full travel. Do not travel to San Marcos Department due to crime. Way-Tenango Department, except City of Weaver Tanango, due to crime. I've been to both the apartment and the city. And Zone 18 in Guatemala City and the city of Villanueva.

Do the crime. Okay. Okay. So, so I'm like, I call Jack. He's like, don't worry. You're going to be fun. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah.

We fly in. I have $400, $400. I bought a money belt. With that $400? No. But I bought a money. But that's when I was fat, right? So I was really, I was just a tub of shit at the time.

It's the only kind of belt you could use. Buddy. The rest of the belt. didn't have enough loops. Money belt was he only one. Here's the problem. It's so fun making fun of this dead guy who was fat. You're like start to get hurt and you're like,

it's not me anymore. Here's the funny part about when you're fat and you have a money belt. You still have to pull the money belt up over your stomach. So you still have to go when you're going to pay for something. You can't just reach down. You have to kind of pull it up and they show them that you have the money belt. So you had it like under my tits half the time. Do we pull up into Guatemala City,

the airport and I am I'm panicking I'm having a heart attack like I'm really I'm from Boston you know me and we've had an experience together what happens to me when I get when I get scared I get Boston fight fight fight a fight I'm like fight I'm like I'm fucking angry out of the gate yeah when I'm there because I heard somebody was like they'll steal your underwear at the airport so I'm I'm like I'm fucked that's not great

You're like, I need these underwear. I'm wearing them. So, Jack, we go to a rent-the-car place. He's renting a car. He speaks fluent Spanish. So I'm sitting there. I know C, and that's it. I know C, and that's it.

Yeah. So we rent this car. It takes forever to rent a car, by the way. You don't just walk in. You got to wait, and the guys, and then they bring a- then you got to walk around it. You got to figure everything out. And then...

Go ahead. Keep going. So then he goes, all right, we're going to make a stop. We drive, we're in downtown Guatemala. And he stops at a park, just a park. And you pull in, you parked a car, and then you're walking through this park in the city. And all of a sudden there's a guy sitting down. And you give him...

Guatemala City? Guatemala City. You give him a... You're in a park, though. It's a nice little park. It's nothing too crazy, but it's nice. And as you walk and Jack's like picking stuff up, like little pieces of clay. And obsidian.

And he's like, that's a knife. This is a pottery from thousands of years ago, a thousand years ago. Like, it's in the ground. I'm like, what? All of a sudden there's a guy sitting there. We pull up and he gives him some money. And he allows us into this thing. The new Burke Chrysher flip-flops by Free Waters.

Wherever you go, there they are. Get them. Actually, I actually don't know where to get them, but just Asper. Get them. So apparently under Guatemala City is all ruins. What? And they excavated this one part of this park. They excavated it.

It's a pyramid, like an apocalyptic. Whoa. Right in downtown Guatemala City. So you- Because they have those. So here's Guatemala City right here. Right. This, I believe, is, you know what I got to do on this?

Whenever I open up a map, I see stuff saved, I'm going to look at it. But I think this is probably where the ruins are. DeKal, yeah. And so that you're saying was also, stands the reason, lower in the country. In Guatemala City. Wow.

In Guatemala City. Now, it wasn't as big as that. Yeah, but it was buried and destroyed. Thousands of years of leaves and dirt and blah, blah, blah. Yeah. It just covered it. So they excavated it and you can go down and walk through this ancient city where people used to live in Guatemala.

But as you're walking out, you look down and there's a piece of pottery from a thousand years ago. So I'm just picking it up and putting it in my pocket. Okay. I mean, it's just crazy to me. Yeah. He'd pick it up me like,

this is, that's obsidian knife. That's obsidian. That's probably from a knife. Wow. Like a thousand years ago. So, dude, so then we get in the car, we're drive,

we're in Guatemala in traffic, and it's bumper to bumper, chicken buses. And I'm just, he's, what? Go ahead. I'm going to write notes down. So,

keep going. Dude, I'm like, looking at these people on this chicken bus and I don't understand he's like that's how you get around if you came here by yourself you'd jump on one of these chicken buses and it would take you to do

where you need to go okay and I'm like oh my I'm just flipping out I'm just so glad I'm with him but I'm terrified we will tell you what chicken buses are chill yeah so so we're driving we're driving we're going to Antigua right that's the first spot but I don't know I know that we're going there but I don't know

we drive for I don't know maybe an hour is it an hour outside the city maybe a little longer yeah from here to here so not too long but it's through the mountains you gotta go up and through the mountains beautiful drive if I remember beautiful drive until the point so we go we go there we're driving up we pull into this city and it's like going back in time it's like being on a movie set Antigua yeah because you've never you never seen anything like this it's just the road the doors, the houses, the restaurants, the smell. It smells like a fire. It smells like, you know what I mean?

You know when you're on a campfire? But it's like because people are using this to cook shit. They're using wood to actual wood. Yeah. And that right. Yep. I know what you mean. So we wind up going to this.

We'll walk it. Now I'm still scared. But there is a level of, okay, this is, I see me around. You know what I mean? When you see you around, it's a good thing. What year is this? This is before Max. This is over 10 years ago.

Wow. Okay. Okay. But as soon as you see your face, then you're like, you're okay. You relax a little bit. We went up going to this restaurant. We were walking around these ruins. We went to this church.

We're looking at art. We're looking at all this stuff. And it was amazing. And I got my little GoPro. I'm doing my little vlog shit, you know. And we go to a restaurant. So I go upstairs in the restaurant. and to use the bathroom

and I take my money belt out and I take it off because I'm fat at the time so I got to piss so I just take it off I put it on the back of the toilet no yeah

all of it all my money because you were so relieved from having dumped I was so relieved of being in a restaurant I wasn't thinking you were just like

I feel so good to piss I took a shit I took a shit I took a shit I had I had a shit. If I had a P, I wouldn't have taken it off. I had a shit. So I took it off. I took a shit. I put it on the back. We leave, oh, dude, 400 in 20s too, which looks like a million dollars to them. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So we leave and then I panic and I go, uh, and I talk to, I'm like, Jack, I blah, blah, blah, blah. And we go back. It's gone. Right away. It was within a half

hour. I mean, they're just somebody just like, yo, I'm, I'm, I'm, blah, blah, blah, blah. And we go. I'm building a village. I paid for somebody's school. I was on school. My kid can't into college? No, I own in college. With my 400. Yeah, dude, that sucked.

That's a slap in the face. Damn, right away. At the beginning of your trip. Right at the first day. Now, at a moment like this, your trip could easily and no one would blame you, be ruined and you can be like, I'm going home, fuck that,

and no one would really blame you. I can't go home. I don't know where I am. I don't know how to get back. I don't know how to take a chicken bus back. You know what I mean? Yeah. Jack is like, and Jack, you know, he's like, don't worry about it.

I'll got you. I'll give you what you need. He's like, you don't need a lot for what we're doing. We're visiting places. We're having a little bit of food and then we're flying home. It's a two-day trip. Yeah. It's a Thursday Friday.

Saturday. It's a Thursday, come back Saturday. That's so cool that he made this trip for you. It's insane. So he's like, all right, we have to go. Now, I don't know where it is. It was a volcano with a lake. Here's my suggestion.

Anybody goes traveling again? Bring a notepad, a little notepad, and bring a pencil or a pen. And as you're going to places and stuff hit you, write it down where you are. You know what I mean? This is going to be a fun one. You know why it's going to be a fun one?

Why? Because some of these things are going to be talking about I have pictures of. No. Yeah. The volcano with the lake? Lake Atitlan. What is it called?

It's right here, buddy. And you have to go from the village over to the island. Hold on. You're talking about the center near the ruins? No. It's probably an hour or two away from Antigua. Okay. Where did we go the first time we went to Guatemala?

The lake. The lake, the hotel. and the island. An island? Island makes me think it was near Flores, near here. No, dude, it's, it's an island. We went to, there was a lake, and I took,

so we, we drove. There's this one that I never made it to. Up here. Not that far. This is about a 10-hour. No, no, no, no, no. No. So we had to drive through the jungle.

Okay, he goes, listen, we're going to be driving through the jungle. It's at night. It's raining. There's no, there's no, there's a thing. It had to be over there. But there's no island in here. But maybe you want to cross to the other side.

Oh, that could be. What about the other body of water? What's the other one? There's one down. What's that? The ocean? No, over there. See that little thing over there?

Where here? Yeah, what's that? What is that? What's that called? Laguna de Araya. Is that a volcano? Because there's 900 volcanoes in Guatemala. Yeah, so like what are we talking about that?

Yeah. So you sure you didn't just fall asleep? Nobody. Because here's what happened. On the way to this place. Yeah. Jack goes like this. Listen, we're going, we're driving for a while.

We're going to be going through the jungle. It's raining out. If there's a roadblock, we're not stopping. No. It was that bad? Yeah. He said, if there's a roadblock, we're just going. I'm just going to, you're going to have to hold on and we're just driving through it.

We're not stopping. That's crazy. Because apparently when he went to, when he was, in high school, his prom night, he got pulled over by the guerrillas at gunpoint, on their knees, on the way to the prom. The only thing that saved them, another car pulled up of other kids.

They pulled them over and let them go. And they go these guys who are richer? I don't know. He doesn't know, and he doesn't know what happened to those kids. What? They just let him go. What's this one?

This is pretty far away. This is an island. what's the name of it I don't know I bet it's Atulam but there's just no island it's Flores It's near Flores

Well here's the thing We drove through the jungle Yeah In the middle of the night It was terrifying On these roads too People know these roads So you drive

On the road They're the worst And there's huge buses That travel on these roads And Karene off the fucking road All the time We were driving

We saw a bus In the gully down like it just went off huh a chicken bus a chicken bus in the ravine off the road Jesus um

Jesus so we drive all night and we pull into this town and now it's just them we're the only ones of us and it's just them it's like I don't know 10.30 at night

and we're walking around in this town now you're nervous and you got Jack well I don't I'm nervous, right? Yeah. I'm nervous. These are great,

these are really good. These are fucking, I mean, tasty, dude. Yeah. I mean, these are tastier than they've ever been. Wow, huh? Shout out to the antidote. Zombie antidote. Zanidavis.

Wish you wouldn't have gone out of business. I don't know if they're out of business. I think they just stopped making this brand. So, so, dude, we pull up at night and where, I mean, dude, it's like a, it's like a movie. Yeah. Walking around and they'll, you know,

it's just like bars open and like you know cheesy little restaurants open and I'm hungry you know because I'm fat bob this is fat bob I think I'm going there like fucking Andrew Zimmerman or fucking you know Anthony Bourdain

this is the trip I think I'm going on before I find out that you're going to get robbed at the airport before I find out we're not stopping at these the guerrillas will take you hostage before you know what I mean And everybody it's a storytelling show me and my comedian friends, we're all telling true and really terrible stories. Into a toddler's face.

Wild face sometime. P-R-R-R-R-Reg. Regretful. Every STD. Horrible. I'm gonna fuck you up. And amazing stories. We just got started.

I'm gonna stop the terrace. You're in trouble. That's reality, huh? This don't be a good night. It's gonna kill us all. Come about to be fucked. I. We should be in jail.

Hey man, are you okay? I actually do well. You don't fucking talk to me. Okay? Uh, uh, I'm a disciple of the Lord. That you missed the spot. How did I get here?

How did this happen? That's a good question. You guys, who are you on the show? Hey guys, today's episode of UB Trippin is brought to you by Mars Men. You know, as you get older, the dad bod becomes more and more like prevalent in your age group. I'm talking about men over 30, even over 40, over 50, over 60, all of them. The women don't really have a deal with dad bots, huh? Hmm, pretty well privilege on that.

Yeah, we made it in style for a while. We said dad bods were cool. Thank you, Adam Sandler. But it's out. People caught on. We were just faking. That's why Mars Men helps you get into shape that you can't get into it anymore. You're not 26 anymore.

No. Mars Men is a natural supplement designed to support your healthy testosterone levels, which can help your body burn fat more efficiently and build lean muscle. When your hormones are working the way they're supposed to, a lot of things can get easier. Workouts, energy, even staying lean. It's basically helping your body get back to running like it did years ago. Neurward stimulants or synthetic hormones, just natural ingredients like Tongat, Ali, Shilajit, zinc, boron.

Zinc? That sounds made up. Sounds like a Superman like supervillain. Anyway, get Mars men, get back in shape. For a limited time, my listeners get 50% off for life. Plus free shipping and three free gifts at Men Go to Mars.com. That's men go to mars.com for 50% off and three free gifts when you check out. It's also available on Amazon.

After the purchase, they're going to ask you where you heard about them. Please, show support for Ubi-Tripping and tell them that we sent you. Hey, guys. Today's episode of UB. Tripping is brought to you by Mudwater. Are you sick of the highs and lows of coffee? You shoot up and get everything done? Probably to a fault. Because I have a lot of friends who do night drugs, and it's similar.

Coffee is similar to what we're talking about here, to the white. Black and white. It's two of the same coin. If you think about it, think about it. Do you think about it? Then you get it. You don't want to be a junkie. Yeah, at work, and then all of a sudden you're crashing, withdrawal symptoms.

Happens every day. Well, that's where mudwater comes in. It's made with more natural ingredients. Every single ingredient in mudwater, mudwaters products are 100% USDA certified. That's certified by the United States Drug Association. Whatever USDA stands for. Non-GMO, that's big. That means illegal in Peru.

Gluten free, vegan, and kosher. There's also zero sugar and no sweeteners added. Each ingredient in mudwater serves a purpose. That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. OG Blunt contains cacao, chai, and a hint of caffeine. Wow. Lions main for focus.

Cordyriceps. Promotes natural energy and both chaga and rashi to support healthy immune systems. God. It's pretty good. You should get some right now. There's also caffeine-free blends and protein shakes for the body and the mind. You ready to make the switch to cleaner energy? head to mudwater.com and grab your starter kit today.

Right now, my list is getting an exclusive deal up to 43% off starter kits plus free shipping and a free rechargeable frothar. When you use code tripping, that's right. T-R-I-P-P-I-N. There's no G in that. That's right. Up to 43% off with code trippin at M-D-W-T-R.com. After the purchase, they're going to ask you where you found out about them,

please show your support and let them know that my show sent you. All right, let's get back to the episode. We pull into this village and then we check into this. He really treated me right because we checked into this hotel that was right on the, right on the lake, right looking at the volcano. This beautiful hotel, almost like a boutique type of hotel. And we get in there, we wake up the next day. I mean, there's this beautiful spread of fruits and breakfast and blah, blah, blah. And he's like, and he comes out and we're having breakfast and you can see the sun coming up and the volcano.

He goes, all right, great. You're going on a trip today. And I'm like, what? He goes, we're going to go over there. We're going to take a boat. To what? He wants me to go. He's like, I want you to go see Maximon.

Is that a person or temple? What the fuck's Maximon? The Guatemalan people pray to Maximon. It's a guy with a top hat and a cigarette. and at the time I smoked. So you're supposed to go there and give them money or cigarettes. You can throw them into Maximo. I don't know either.

To me, it's all zombie shit, like voodoo crazy shit, right? So, exactly. And so we go over on this, we go down to the seaport, we jump on this boat. It takes us across the lake over to the other side or I believe it was an island. I believe it was an island. But I could be wrong. Okay. There's a whole other village over there.

He finds this kid. God, I have a... I gotta get you photos. You gotta be photos. He was a kid. He had a boy body. He's around this tall. Like, maybe this tall, with a man face.

He had a scar from here to here. He's a man. It was a kid with a... Like, he looked like a bond villain. I'm gonna tell you something I noticed about Guatemala. Shortest people in the world. Yeah. Everyone's like the Mayans got wiped out.

What happened to the mines? They're there. They're wearing T-shirts. They're tiny. Dude, I said that. I go, I didn't need a money belt. I just needed to put my money in this pocket. And I can't get it.

If you see somebody jumping, just pulled the top of their head and go, don't do that. No, I'll say, porfa. So. Asis? Por favor? Yeah. See? So, dude, we're going over on the boat.

He finds this kid and he's talking to this kid about taking me to see Max, Maximus, Maximo. Okay. He's like, you know, talking, you know, I don't know a lick of shit, right? So I'm just sitting there like what? He goes, okay, he's going to take you. I go, y'all not coming? What do you mean? He goes, no, Jack, no, no, no.

He's coming. He's not coming. He's coming. He's not coming. He's not coming. I go, he goes, you have to do this on your own. You have to.

You got, I go, but check. A coming of age ceremony? What are you? The fucking one from the Matrix? Buddy, I'm so scared.

Dude, look, I'm terrified now. I'm walking with this kid with a scar from here to here. He has a man-faced child body. Man-faced boy body. Man-faced boy body.

And I'm walking with him. And I'm going to see Max Simone. Which I don't even know what the, what that is. We're going to ask him when you see him. I don't know. So we're walking through this village Dude, village

Like old school And this kid just keeps Turn around going Like not even talking Just doing this And we walk up a hill And we take a right Now we're in a neighborhood

So now it's not even like downtown Where the church and the stores and stuff We're in a hood Like where people live They live And it's me Just a little fat Bob Kelly I think I had a wristband on my wrist,

like a headband on my wrist. I had a little fag bag on. I look like a tourist. And I'm walking through this village. And then he takes me to this woman's house, a house. Somebody's house, first floor. And he's like,

and I, she goes, okay. So I have to give her, I think I gave her five bucks. Where'd you get the money? I had money from Jack. Jack wanted to hook up a cat. Okay. He was like I got you until what he gave me he gave me like a hundred bucks cash and Because he was down there to buy things. Oh, we'll get into that later

So I would just had your last the last one I had in here was what your buddy buying things in another South South American country really? Yeah one of those buddies is dead now Oh, you mean Coochie? Yeah, that was a great trip. Is that what he wants to? No no no no no No, no he I'm telling you dude this guy is a he's a Harrison Ford, dude. He needs a whip and a fucking hat. Jack Vaughan needs a whip and a hat because he's that guy.

Yeah. Dude, he's that guy. So, he's off, I think he sent me a way to go do some of his stuff that he does. You know what I mean? Yeah.

What do you mean stuff that he does? Like buy tough things. Didn't work. So, damn. The light is right there. I know, but I wanted to fill it up.

It didn't work. That's because you didn't push out the last, you got to push out the last. Last what? When you refill a butane lighter, you have to get a pen or a thing and push out, make sure there's no more stuff in it.

Oh, you can fill it. No, you got to degass it. If it's half full, you can make it all the way full. You got to degass it. You are an expert. Anybody, a cigar guy, anybody's going to back me up.

Anybody who's not going to back you up. Okay. All the people who are not weigh in on my side, please. Comments below. Is it empty? I mean, it wasn't working. Is it half full? What's this?

Is it half full? What's this, though? Turn it. I have to turn it. No. That's the problem. I didn't turn it. Well, maybe if you didn't fill it, it's not my fault.

But you're supposed to gas it out. I didn't gas it out. You're supposed to gas it out. I hope I light on fire right now. I hope my whole arm just catches. Let me see. Oh, wait. Can I see it?

Yeah. Can I see it? There's a thing down there, though. It's the problem with you. But there's a thing down there, I just twisted. I pulled that out and twist it all the way around. Yeah, that's the higher and lower. That's the higher and lower.

You actually turned it down. Oh. Turn it upside down. Always turn it light upside down and then light it. If it's not lighting, and it's not lighting because you didn't gas it out. So the gas isn't coming out correctly. But now it's, now it. Yeah.

All right, all right. Anyways. Fucking autistic asshole you are. You went right into it. You suck me into your autism. I'm Mark Zuckerberg. It's nuts. Your autism is nuts.

And I forget that you have it because I always chalk it up to you being intelligent, but it's not. You are smart, but you're also. My mind's another thing. It's like birds. You're nuts. You're nuts. It's all over.

That's why there's so much shit around. That's all they see is this. They don't see that. Anyways. All that shit, the paint brushes. That's just the American public. Paintbrushes, right. So anyways, dude, I'm with this kid.

He takes me in the, this lady's house I'm all by myself I'm overweight which is the worst you know because it's just gonna I'm just pitching to cook me over a fucking like a bugs bunny just just turn me over a fire like a fat American oh my god we go into this house and there's uh to the right is her place over to the left is like a sectioned off little banister and this little guy bring up maximon on the computer this little guy it looks like a puppet with a talk hat like a Lincoln hat smoking a cigarette and this is who they pray to so I had to give him cigarettes what that's him dude who the fuck is Maximo that's him right there that's the guy this one the second one down

top one top one left all the way over the left yeah that's that's maximum oh my god so I'm in somebody's house dude and this motherfucker is there that's Max Simone oh my god so I got to give I have to give He's got a candle on his head. He's got money pinned to him. He's got booze at his base. Black people seem to know him. You give offerings to this guy. That guy gave his hand.

Someone else gave money. This guy gave his hand with a watch on it. I think that's just a guy fixing something. But yes. I'm not sure, though. Because I got a black hand with a watch. Oh, back to your mom would love that. Go to the other one.

Let me see the other one. I don't know if it's, I don't know if it's all. Now, look, see that one, there's different ones. There's different maxims. There's not the same maximum. There's all kinds of different ones. Right. So that, but do they take, wait a minute.

This is the boy? Is this a traveling Maximon? Like, is this, is this got the same guy that just gets goes places? Is this the one maximum? I don't know. That's an interesting question. I think there might just be one. I think I saw the one.

It might be Maximo. It all looks the same, right? Yeah, but. I think that's it, dude. I think I saw the one. That's the same one, right? Wow. Maximon, Guatemala.

Yeah. Yeah. You saw the only Maxima. I don't know. Man, there's another Maximo, but that don't look like Maximo. That looks like Max. That looks like Max.

It's like an artist rendition, 2025. Okay. What the fuck? That looks like Max. Yeah, this is the same guy everywhere. The same exact. So go, yeah, go to the right.

Go to the right. That one right there. I think I went to that. Oh, my God, Bob. I think that was in somebody's house, dude. And there's Maximo. Yeah. Oh my God.

So I go into the thing and that little statue's there. It's just me, this lady, this little boy man face. You got a knack for finding people's places. Right. And me. And I don't know what to do. I'm Catholic. Main and fast boy body, yeah?

I'm Catholic. Do I pray? Do I, what do you know what I mean? Yeah, is this anti-Jesus or super pro-Jesus? So then here's the thing. I put some cigarettes down. As a tribute. As a tribute because he has a cigarette in his mouth.

He smokes. See the cigarette? Yeah. He smokes. So I put the cigarette down. Se Maximo. So let's say it was in the Guatemala Highlands. There was a lake.

That's where I was. Okay. Don't say it. Don't say it. Why? It's the one I was thinking of. That's the one? Yeah.

That's it. That's my pictures. Yeah. Okay. Great. Yeah. So I was on that lake. Uh-huh.

So I just went to the other side of the lake is what I did. So we just took a boat to the other side. It wasn't a, Island. Yeah. You went to the other side. It seems like it. Can I say why not to, why are we not saying this?

I want to guide people to place this too much. I don't find it themselves. What? Yeah, I don't want to get an overrun on people like. I heard that's what you're supposed to do. They'll do it. Buddy, let me tell you something. First of all, nobody's going to this place.

No, buddy. I saw a lot of backpackers there when I was there. It's getting bigger. Yeah, but you have to go to that village. I'll tell you what. We'll say the name of the lake. We will not say the village. Where's the village?

They're not saying the village. I won't say the village, but where is it? Just highlight it for me. Somewhere. There's a lake which goes with the name, Atitlan. Lake for the name of La. Lago means lake. Lago Ateban.

Atitlan. Antitan. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. So, dude, around this lake is a bunch of Mayan villages, by the way. Okay.

So these people are, this. this whole town is old school. I come out of Maximone. Guess who's not there? The man-faced boy body. Man-faced boy body. That's not great. He's gone.

That's not great. So now, dude, I'm walking, trying to find. That's not great. It's not great. You don't want that. For most people, but my nickname is Bobby GPS. Yeah. So I know where I'm going.

Your nickname is Bobby GPS. I know instinctually I have a compass in me. That I know where to go. I know how to kind of find. So I didn't panic because I'm like, listen, I just got to walk back down to the water in my brain. I got to find water and I'm good, right? Okay. But I'm walking through the village.

I'm walking through this village. And, dude, it's like panicking because I walk through, dude, there's dying dogs, just dogs dying on the ground. Oh. I walk through an open-air market of all these people and they're, you know, yelling at me. Yeah, I'm telling them not to show this, yeah. And all the food and blah, blah, blah. And it's like a... You were where I was looking.

I was where you were looking. Yeah. I went. Wow. And I'm walking around by myself. Wow. And now I'm panicking. Yeah, this is so fucking adventurous, too.

I don't know what Jack is. He just sent me off with Manface boybody. Manface boy body. Man face boy body leaves me at Maximon, right? So now I've got to find my way back. So what do I do? What do you do? I find, I do what any New Yorker would do.

Take the subway. No. Hala cab. No. Any East Coast person would do. Throw a pair, it's a fucking Jew. When he's just going to the fucking get his shit clean and these goddamn kids show no respect. That's what I did.

And guess what? As soon as I did that, I found the first Jew, they carried me down to the lake. No. What did you do? I found a coffee place. Guatemalan coffee, some of the best in the world. Café Leche, baby. I know that.

Café Lece, du a succour. Two sugars? Two sugars. Okay. Yes. Café Lece, doe a suca. And I, I still, what? What?

What? Yeah. What? Yeah, yeah. No. Tuosuka, for favorua. Sure. Thank you.

Sure. What do you mean? Sure. I mean, yeah. I don't understand. It doesn't, you don't mean ya. What's sugar? Asucar.

What's the A? Duet E. Duet. Duet is like, I think Portuguese. Duet, duet, too. Dos. Oh, duet is what? Is that Italian?

Maybe Italian. You know what I'm doing on Duolingo? I'm doing Italian. You're doing duolingoes. I'm doing duolingoes. You got Duolingo. You got Duolingo. These are the chicken buses.

The chicken buses, dude, are crazy. Crazy. Let's go to your story first. Then we'll cover the details. So I just, dude, I do what you should do. I find a cafe. I sit down outside in the chair. I got a coffee.

Unbelievable. Guatemala coffee, though, off the chart. Off the chart. Dude, that's when I realize it's like I'm done having shit coffee. I'm done making a pot of coffee in the morning. I'm not making a pot of coffee. You know, I don't want to do what, I don't want to go duck of donuts and get coffee. I'm done.

If I want to have coffee, I want to have coffee. I want it to be good. I'd rather have one good cup of coffee than 15 shit cups of watery fucking deli coffee in New York. I used to drink deli coffee all the time. Then I started going to Europe, Amsterdam. Getting actual real coffee.

Getting actual coffee and you're like, oh my God, this tastes like chocolate, right? So I'm sitting there, I'm smoking butts. You went there? I went there. Wow. On a boat. Wow.

On one of these little boats like this. On a little boat. that brought us over there. First of all, the phones now are crazy. That's crazy. I should not be able to see there's a person on this boat. Yeah, it's nuts. That's nuts.

That's CIA stuff. When this is the picture. In 1985, that's in like a spy. Enhance, Section 2-4. Okay, I can't have that. Section 4. Now, Section 3, enhance more. Zoom in on the man.

As much than I can do. Okay, that's good. Well, we live in the future, but the present also. So, dude, I'm sitting there like this. just smoking. I'm smoking my, I'm just like, you know what? If this is the way I go, it's fine. Smoking a cigarette, having coffee, and all of a sudden I look up on the top of the cobblestone hill coming down. Who is it? Jack. Jack. I was going to say maybe. Smiling. Loving it. He's been on his own adventure. He's been here. He lived here. He knows all this shit. Hey, what's up? He's like,

how was it? Not even a care in the world. He goes, I'm like, I go, man, man face boy body left me. Man face boy body's gone, Jack. gone and he goes you found your way back i go no i didn't i just found this place he goes well that's good you found you found each other we're together he goes that's what traveling is bro he goes you figure it out you figured it out you sat down you had a cup of coffee trying to relax you thought you couldn't figure it out and you did figure it out isn't the best too when you're mad and like well this is like but i'm we already solved it so so you're yelling about something that's already been taken care of yeah and you know it's like but i'm still mad yeah before the

emotion still there you bringing up cuba No. Okay. I'm in general. Because I'm still mad about that. I mean, you were wrong. But, I mean, dead wrong. Not my vibe.

20 minutes, it would have been your vibe. Oh, 100%. 20 minutes. It would have been your vibe. 100%. It would have went from Yacht Rock to Buena Vista Shosa Club in 20 minutes. And we would have been French fries deep and half a Cuban cigar deep. And we wouldn't have fought and we wouldn't have been angry.

And I wouldn't have been fight or flight. Bob, let's go to Guatemala where stuff is safe. here's the thing yeah so so then we go back we go back to the we go back to the hotel yeah

we get our shit we're gone dude this is early morning right jack doesn't live on otzitlan does he huh that doesn't live around otzitlan around the lake what'd you say jack doesn't live around the lake

no he doesn't have a place there he lived downtown Guatemala oh well they lived in the uh his father was a U.S. you know, God. So they lived in a place, you know what I mean? So he goes, we got to go because we drive.

We literally, it was only Friday coming back Saturday. I think we left Thursday. We did Thursday, Thursday afternoon. It's such a quick trip. Wait a second. No, we left Friday, Saturday, left Friday came, did Saturday, came back Sunday. So here's the trip. To the lake or the whole trip?

So we left Friday, came into Guatemala. But drove to this place. New York Friday. Drove to this place Friday night, right? Did the man-faced boy body, Maximone, on Saturday. Jesus. And then he goes, we're going to another place. What do you mean?

He brings me to one of the oldest outdoor markets in the world. Right? It's old. Oh, my God. And we go there. He goes, I have to go and I want to get some stuff. antiquities, let's say. First of all, cool word.

I love saying it. Yeah. And he's getting some stuff. Whatever he's getting, right? He likes to buy stuff, right? Legally. So, bro. Not cooch. He goes, we've got to take another drive. So we get into the car. Yeah. We're driving and through the jungle again.

Again, he gives me the pep talk. If there's a rope, we're not stopping. We're driving through, I mean, we're driving through all the, and he's, like, all the, like, All the people that know, like in Guatemala, the houses are not finished. So you have the second and third floor with the, with just like the metal rods. Yeah. Yeah. And you know the reason for that. I've heard, but go ahead.

What do you say? I don't know. What I know, I don't know if it's true. Because it's taxes. If your house isn't finished, they can't tax you on the house. So what they do is they, they half build a floor and they never finish it. Because it's not finished. When I was in Israel in Yeshiva, we finished one of the tractates of Talmud, one of the books.

Sure. And my rabbi go, hey, before we have a little party, because it takes like a month to finish this whole book, study it all and all the commentary. He goes, let's do the first page of the next book, so it's not like we're done, we're starting. So we're always never finished learning. Wow, that's not what I. So here's what I heard. They went home, got to start getting American money, $20 a day. that's fucking, you know, so much money.

All I need is 17 to live. I'll send these extra three home, you know, I'm fine. Keep sending the money. Now you get an American wife. You start doing whatever and you're like, I'm not sending that money anymore. And they run out of money to build. Could be what you're saying, though.

I'm pretty sure. Your sounds right. Like you said at the beginning of this podcast. Yeah. It's not factual. It's not factual. But I'm pretty sure if you look, and you look at the favelas in Brazil,

you look at a lot of these third world countries. Same. And yeah, half finished. Ecuador had those too. Yeah. So I thought maybe it was that. Because if something's finished, they can tax you on that house. If you're still building, they can't tax you.

Wow. So we're driving through all these places. I remember this one thing. This fucked me up so bad and I don't know. I don't understand it. We're driving, and this is before you knew everything about everything, that way social media is now. I think it was MySpace back then where you still, we weren't all connected. Yeah.

The world was not connected. yet, right? There was no Netflix. It was still, it was still videos. You got sent to your house, Netflix. Right? It was weird.

And you'd be like, I want, the worst was series because you're like, well, it's a six disc series. You know, it's like the first half of episode, season one, second half of episode one.

And then you're like, hey, we're actually don't have in stock right now. Some movies, they'll go to the next one. And you're like, we don't have season three first disc. We'll send you the next ones on your list,

which is season three, second disc and season four first disc. Yeah, yeah. It was annoying. Yeah, that company's never going to make it. Yeah, never going to make it. And it almost didn't, right? Didn't it almost fail?

It was all documentaries. Yeah, something happened with Netflix. I forget what it was. Was it the digital thing or, I don't know. I remember that it was going to fail. They killed Blockbuster and they moved on to Comedy Central, killed that. And Blockbuster was like, ah, fuck them. It's never going to happen.

We killed Errol's video. You think we can't take topple you? So, dude, we're driving. I remember this. We're coming up through the jungle roads and stuff like that. And we're going through this old village. And it's just like, you know, maybe 10 or 12 houses and they're all decrepit. And then you could see people outside.

And all of a sudden I saw this dog. I'm not kidding, bro. And Jack will back me up. It was this tall. And it was coming. I had my window open. Wild dogs. Outside dogs.

But it was this tall. It was a... That was a llama. It was the, no, it was the biggest dog I've ever seen in my life. walking towards us like saw our car like it's never seen one it came towards the car

very big dogish you know that little trot it does and it just went up to my window right where you are and I jumped back into the fucking car because it was I like this level like I'm in the car

its head was here like this high and its head was it was the biggest fucking dog I've ever seen seen in my life just came right to us. Oh. Oh no.

Even deeper. Let me try again. Try again. You try. Do it again. Do it again. That. Yeah.

And I go, Jack, what the fuck kind of dog was at? He goes, and this is the guy who's seen the world. I don't know what that was. Man face dog body. It might have been. man fake dog audience dog and jack's like i'm actually stumped on this so we drive all the way we pull into this place

and as soon as we park i think like 13 women with little tiny hats on their heads like little uh little ab lincoln hats which i don't know what that is so it's all these women and south america americans like white people we like

three colors yeah we like basically We wear two colors or three. Three at the most is our color. People in South America, all the colors. It's Christmas all the fucking time. They wear all the colors. Let's see here. Yeah.

The little, yeah, where's the ones with the little, the little Abe Lincoln hats on their head? Abe Lincoln, stovetop. Yeah. Let me see. So look at all the colors, dude. They do not waste the color. It's gorgeous.

The handiwork there is so fucking, beautiful. So I'm surrounded, yeah, I'm surrounded by these ladies and kids. So there's women and kids and they surround me. No. With rugs and blankets at this market. As soon as the car pulls up, they see Jack's. Now look, I can pass as a Spanish person at that point. I was chubby. I was tan. You know what I mean? I got nice lips. Jack. Jack's just a white dude. He's just a nerdy white dude, right? Any of these? No. Um, yeah. You don't have any pictures of this?

Like that's right there. The lady in the middle. Donde. Uh, no. Uh, no. Uh, One, two, three, four, five, six.

Six. This one. This? This. Yes. See. So stuff like that. But it was more A Blankinish.

You know what I mean? Yeah. It was more like little hats on their head. Okay. Can you type in little, little able, like, like top hats, Guatemalan ladies? See if that comes up? because I swear to God

they look like little Abe Lincoln hats but it might have been that here's the thing you don't have any pictures it might have been I do I just I will find them

you gotta find them and send it to me I have video and Bobby this is disappointing okay you'll send them because I don't know if you're aware of this

so this is I'm right now in the second year of this podcast you'd be tripping yeah we had an awards ceremony for the first year wow

the trippies all right you won a trippy I won? Best pictures. When? Cuba. Where's my award?

It's right here. Did I win something? Yeah, you won an award. I've never won anything, dude. Is that it? Are you giving it to me now? Is that not mine? Did you...

That one's yours. Can I open it later? You can open it wherever you want. I'll open at the end. Okay, open it at the end. My God, I'm so happy. Win trippy. Buddy, I've never won an award.

You won a tripy. I won a couple. Can I tell you the awards I won? Chips? That's not an award, really. That's not an award. Okay, yeah. I won.

Everyone gets a chip, yeah. I won the Devereux Award, which is the juvenile system in Boston would give an award out to a few kids a year who made it. Because one out of 30 kids makes it out of the juvenile system in Boston, right? Yeah. Is it mine? Bob. So I won the Deverelux Award, which I went to I went and actually spoke in front of the Congress and the Senate. I had dinner with Janet Reno and Robert Kennedy's daughter, Kathleen Kennedy.

I sat at table one with number three in charge by the book. Comics never sit at table one. I sat at table one with Janet Reno. I had dinner with Janet Reno. And I spoke in front of the Senate and the Congress in the Cannon Building. I have that video too. Let me see that. I'll get it to you.

Well, we got to make a list of all. It's on C-SPAN. I was on C-SPAN. What? Yeah, I was on C-SPAN. Okay, hold on. Videos. Okay.

Now, these ladies, I might be remembering this. It might have been that lady up on the right. It might be these dumb little hats. It might have been, I might be remembering it wrong. Yeah, or it might just not have the thing. The problem is, Guatemala is not very photographed. I mean, it is, but it's not such a tourist destination. Yeah, right.

So it might have been those dumb little hats. So the influences don't go except a, Antitlan, to be honest. So anyways, so, dude, they surround us. They surround us. And I'm like, I'm panicking again because I'm like, I don't, you know, I don't speak the language. I don't know what the hell is going on. We're in this, this, this market that's, I mean, one of the oldest markets ever, right?

And so I say, I say, we'll be back. We'll be back. Not now. I'm just saying now. I'm looking at my watch. Not now. We'll be back. Later, later.

Later. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay, later, yeah, okay. So they leave us alone. We get into the market. Dude, I'm walking around this market. Now, Jack is like, I'll be back. He's got to go into this thing with a curtain and go behind another curtain.

No, he's not getting jerked off. He's looking for stuff. Yeah. He likes to buy stuff. Illegal stuff. No. No. You're saying hookers are illegal there?

No. No. Not hookers. I don't understand. He likes to buy, like, you know, know things like this shit you know this stuff yeah but like authentic shit not like touristy shit he wants to buy a real he wants to buy a real something okay here we go jack phone is telling me okay right now okay here we go uh Guatemala city to Antigua to uh Panna don't say it that's the

tourist stop you can say that Panah Hashel Lake Antilatatalan Antilan to I was there I went to Village, the marketplace. Wow. Okay, so. He's been there too. Because of Chicago. Right? So we go there.

We're walking around. He leaves me. I go walk around. I'm like, I got this now. I got it. I went with Man Face Boy Body to see. Now you're a man. Maximon.

Man Foie's Boy Body gave you his face. This is the thing about traveling. If you do take a risk, if you do. It happened in Cuba, the first day. First day, we were frightened as shit. By the last day, we were walking through power out of just, that's not the best of... We left each other. We were like, I'll see you later.

I'll see you later. I'll see you later. I'll see you back at the Casa. Yeah. Okay? That's the thing about traveling. If you take a risk right away, if you go do something out of your comfort zone right away, and the rest of the trip, you'll be okay.

You'll, like, I'm walking. around I got this guy mouse in a little bit and I just went and what I do I found a coffee place which one are you talking about in Chi Chi in the market I got a quote from the Simpsons they're doing a chili cookoff okay and Homer wins every year everybody he tests every like there's nothing it's nothing instant wigham sheriff sheriff wigom okay um pig you know and he goes he goes he's trying to like burn Homer he's like gotcha and he goes this is something real and he goes it's made with the merciless chili peppers of kitsl Sakatanango grown deep in the jungle primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum that's in there from fucking third grade

that's crazy so dude I'm walking around this market looking at I'm looking at antiquities I'm looking at like vases from 1500 years old they're cooking meat I don't even know what type of meat it is. It's just, I'm walking around this thing like, I can only describe it as a movie because you're by yourself, you don't speak the language, and you're walking around. It's beautiful things. You're seeing the most beautiful things in this market, and it goes forever. And then I just stopped at one point. I saw this little cafe, and it's kind of overlooking the market, and I just grabbed the cigarette. This is why I'm so sad I can't smoke cigarettes. Okay. Where'd you grab a cigarette from?

I had them with me. I had my cigarettes. Can I say you underrated thing about Guatemala? 20 cigarettes in a pack generally. I just want one. Let's say the pack is $2. That means each one should be $0.20. But if you just want one, whatever. They will sell you one.

Here they won't. A Lucy. Lucy's. And they sell it to you for 10 cents. 10 cents. Just one-twentieth of the thing. Yeah. Yeah.

I wound up buying some cigarettes in there just to buy them, just to have them. But yeah. I remember I just, I found this cafe. I got my cafe, my cafe leche, and I sat down and I had a cigarette

and I just chain smoked for probably an hour and a half. No. Just watching this, this market happen. And then I... That's so cool. And then all of a sudden, Jack,

walked by, Hey. Again. Just there. Who the fuck's this guy? He's got some weird fucking, he's got some mine in him. He's done.

some voodoo. Buddy, this guy's been in the jungle finding like temples type shit. That's that guy. Jesus. So then he goes, come on, I want to show you something.

He goes, come on, I want to show you this. He brings me to this 400-year-old church. 400 years old. So think about that. Go back 200 years. Where are we?

1800s. Yeah. Early 1800s. I mean, this. Slavery is still around at that point. The West isn't even one. Indians. Indians.

Indians are still around. Being like they are. Being Indian. Being the way we remember him. Yeah, no. Those other Indians, Russell Peters, weren't even here. Wow.

You know what they named Indians? Because they thought it was India. I guess it was what they looked like. I love that. Far off. It's hilarious. It looks similar. Yeah, they should have called it Mexican.

They should call the Mexicans. Yeah, they're way closer to Mexicans. Way closer to Mexicans. Yeah. They're Mexicans with height. Wow. And this is in Kits al-Sakatanango? This is Chichi-Cichikostanango?

Chichich Castanango. So he brings me over to this church. White people can't enter through the front. Gringos can't go through the front. If you're Caucasian, you have to go through the back. It's still a functioning church. Okay? So, hang on, let me see if you, I asked him the name of the church.

Bobby, I want you to fix your memory for a second. Is this the church? That's the church. That's the church? That's the church. That's the church I went to. Did you go in? You didn't go in?

But not only did I go in the back, okay? I prayed. Because you know I pray. Yeah. So I went in the, I had, I love churches. We got to pray just to make it today. Not that type of prayer. That's MC Hammer.

That's right. But not that. Too legit to quit. I mean, yes. Wait, this hand. Two. Wait. Oh, that's, it's to you.

Too legit. Too legit to quit. Hey, hey, too legit. Too legit. Hey, hey. So, dude, you got to go around the back. You can't go in those front doors if you're Caucasian. Interesting.

You cannot go through those doors. You have to go through the back. This is what the blacks are always upset about. But you were okay with it. I'm fine with it. It's your place. It's your place. Whatever you want to do.

Whatever you want to do. So I go through the back. You go in, all the frescoes on the wall, black. There's no electricity. In this church, it's all lit with candles still. Really? The way it was lit 400 years ago. Really?

You don't like, it's crazy because you're going to stand like back in the day, we didn't have electricity. You get candles. So all the art and stuff on the wall, all the frescoes that they had of Jesus and Mary and all that stuff inside. It's all black from the candles burning up the side of the wall. Wow. So when you walk in, dude, it's all wooden benches. It's candles. It's foraded your, you know, these frescoes that are on the wall of Jesus.

And I prayed. There's all these people praying. How did it feel? It was one of the... We saw people bawling outside. They were crying inside. Wow. It was very emotional, very spiritual for me.

It might have been closed that day because everybody was drunk when I was there. Oh, really? It was a festival. No, there was not a festival when I was there. Okay. And these people... Episode coming, if it's not come out yet. It was...

Yeah, dude, I remember going in there, the... There's silence, right? There's this silence, but then there's spiritual silence. A heavy silence. It's a heavy, weighted. A pregnant pause? No, heavy silence. It's a weighted silence that you have.

I had that when I went into the Sistine Chapel. When I went to... 16. 16. 16. 16? Yeah. It's a Sistine, isn't it?

Those 15 other ones. Yeah. That's not true. I went into a cathedral in Milan. Yeah. 12th? And the same thing, type of thing. But this place was the most spiritual place I've ever been in my life.

Really? Because there was no tourists. There was no electricity. It's like people come here to pray to God and get serene and get spirituality. That's all this place was. Wow. It was not a place to make money. Like all these other places, the Sistine Chapel, the cathedrals in Rome and Italy, all these in Paris.

These are places where people go. It's a tourist place. This is not at all. Yeah. St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York. Yes, it's a church, but it's a tourist place too. This is not a tourist place. This is, hey.

It ain't a tourist town. No, and if you're a tourist, go that door. When I was at for a festival, episode coming, or already came, it was tourists from Guatemala going for the festival. Of course. It wasn't a, we saw. There's not one of you on me in that, even though that guy down the bottom looks like me. Bottom left?

Bottom left with the hat. Yeah. Kind of looks like me. Look. Yeah. But anyways, dude, I went into that church and I just sat there. You felt great, huh? Sat there and prayed. You felt connected to the past when you were in a place like that? I feel connected to the past because it is the past. Yeah. There's nothing in there that has gone past when it was built, really. Damn. Not even lights.

There's something about electricity. When you see electricity, it takes you out of that thing. It's like when there's a fucking television. old bar no no no TV's in here but you go into that church and you're like wow you went in that's so cool yeah look at that thing man my god look at the doors and there's steps leading up to it the steps leading up to it yeah look at the doors are huge wooden doors so that's where we saw people like praying and like crying out there right i was in that church and there were people inside crying like women holding women you know i don't maybe people died or whatever let's see if jack you said

it back we already know so Yeah, dude, and then we prayed, and then here's the thing, we come back out of the market. Every single one of those women that I told I'll be back later were waiting. But they hit me like one, I saw them kind of sitting. Are you a liar? No, why? Dude, they were like sitting down. All of a sudden they go, one of them saw me.

And it was like, you're the only white. It was like puppies. They all just got. You're fat white. Like, I'll know what to. comes back. So they all... It's like puppies.

They all just ran to me with rugs and stupid Guatemalan shit. So I bought a rug. I bought a Guatemalan rug. Did you really? Yeah, I gave it 20 bucks. I was like, I'll take this to it because I can roll it up, put it in my bag, right? Parry your body in there. Throw it in Gilgo Beach.

Right. It was like this big and like that long. It was like long, thin and water long. The handcrafts in Guatemala blew my mind. Unbelievable. blew my fucking mind. Yeah, it's really crazy. I found some weed.

Yeah. And I had some and I was high and I hadn't smoked for a few days. And I went into some local market, whatever. And they were doing, I was like, how long it's take to make this? It's like old beads. She's like, oh, like two weeks. And I was like, what? How about this?

Like that's like three months. Yeah. And I'm like, can you listen to music? Like, no, we listen music while we do it. I'm like, what the fuck? It's crazy. How much is it? Eight cents.

Like, what? Yeah. I'm like, I, I, I. some child slave was doing it. And I could talk to them because they're, you know, second grade level of Spanish and so am I. Yeah, dude, we came out. I bought this rug and then, uh,

we're driving, we're driving back and all of a sudden, it just, it just started raining really bad, like crazy bad. And we got to drive all the way back. We're going back to Guatemala City. We're going back to Guatemala City.

So it's a long ride. And it's through the jungles again. And it's, you know, that the guerrillas, people don't know that the guerrillas. What they did, they went through so much shit in Guatemala. They wound up putting some of the, they put the people, the guerrillas and the people that were fighting the government, they gave them power.

They put them in the government. Because they're like, well, you guys just run it. It's not crazy about these local things. It's like the Taliban. They're like, oh, you think they're just freedom fighters. They're actually running the cities there. Yeah, they gave them. In a good way.

They gave them some power. And they were like, okay, so now they're part of the system. them. Wow. And they kind of squelched it. That's how they got kind of fixed it, I guess. I'll get the cartels run shit too. Right, exactly. So, but they still will grab you. They will do it by their own rules. They'll grab you and they'll

just, you know, they'll, you know, they'll keep you and they'll make somebody send money. That's it. You know, that's how they make money. The red crawl, whatever the fuck it is. So we're driving. I'm kind of, I'm getting into that fight or flight thing again. I'm nervous again. So we're driving all of a sudden, flat tire. No.

No. No. In the middle of nowhere. In the middle of nowhere. We have to pull over in front of some something, like a house or some weird business. In the middle of nowhere, pouring out. And we got to pray that we have a tire. So we get out, but here's the thing.

This is why things happen for reasons, right? So it's pouring rain out. We got to get on our knees and change this fucking tire. And you're already used to it because of the church. No. I got my rug. I got my Guatemalan rug. My fat lady with a hat rug.

So I take... Woman face, woman body. Woman face, woman body. Wow. Put it, we... I'm like, I got the rug. So I put the rug down. Me and Jack are out there.

We're changing the fucking tire. They had a tire. We took it out. Safely on a rug. Cracked it up on the rug, kneeling down in the dirt because it's all dirt. We're in the middle of nowhere.

We crank up the car, change the tire, take the rug, throw it in the trunk, fucking soaking wet, dirty, whatever. 20 bucks. Gives a shit. So get in the car, make it back to Guatemala City. Rain's done. We check into the fanciest. It's a really nice hotel in downtown Guatemala, right? We still have a little time left.

We wind up going out for eat. You just went for a three-day trip? Yeah. Two and a half, really? That's it, dude. Came back Sunday night. Left Friday, came back Sunday night. That's it.

What an eventful trip, too. It was so event. And this is where you got that death whistle or that whistle? What's that? Well, he gave me that on the way back. So here's the thing. When I went through the, we go back to the hotel. Did I just ruin it?

Sorry. We want, no, no, no. We go, we want to, we want to go and we want to go and we want to go and we want to go and so. That's the guy who ruins everything. Should use that rug for that. Come on, man. I'm about to say that.

So dude, we get back, it's beautiful out, and we're hungry, so we go to a restaurant, restaurant. We're at this nice hotel. We walk down the street to this restaurant, but I'm bugging him the whole time. I'm like, what are we going to eat? What can we eat there? What can we eat? Now, he's a vegetarian. He eats rice and beans and whatever, and you can't drink the water.

You take a shower, you can't open your mouth. Nope. You can't? No, you cannot. You cannot do that shit. You have to keep your mouth shut. On your lip, wipe it off. Brush your teeth with bottle water.

Bottle water. So we get to the hotel. we get to this restaurant. He actually yells at me. It's so funny. Did he really? Yeah, because at one point, I'm like, well, what's good here?

He goes, Bobby, it's chicken or beef, rice and bean salad. It's not a, it's not the Bahamas. These guys, pistadas. It's not a, it's not a, you know what I mean? I'm like, okay, geez.

Oh, I don't know. You got mad. Well, where I'm from, there's good food. You got so mad at me, dude, because I was, every place we went, every meal, because Fat Bob was like, what's good?

It's like, dude, we're in a third world country. It's not about good. It's not about good. It's about eating. Calories. Yeah, calories, right? So I wind up getting whatever the fuck I get. And he eats my rice.

He's like, gonna eat your rice? I'm like, not now. If you want it, you fucking vegan. I was in the middle of it. Dude, I eat a salad and I get a Coke. I got a Coke with ice. Say it. You know how to order without that now.

Yeah, I do. Try it. Oh, fuck. This is the problem with the Spanish. Can I show you something? If you don't use it, it goes away. Yeah. You can show me your streak?

You got a streak? I do. I missed yesterday because it was a long day. It's okay. You got a streak freeze. Right. I got streak freeze. Where do you find your streak?

Up top, I think. Where? 163 days. 163 days. That's great. Since Cuba. Since Cuba. 160.

You're just like, I got to learn Spanish. I'm learning Spanish. You're obsessive can really be put. use. I said this before. You did? If you apply it to something good. You did. I'm very obsessive. Um, and I 162 days of Spanish. It's a guy who has 17 fishing rods has been fishing three times. I fly fish. I'm an angler. And I fly fish all the time. Angle for support. I, yeah. Oh, you're a fucking wordsmith. Anyways, Greg Proop to love you. Anyways, uh, no offense, Greg. Um, so do. We're up to Greg Proops. I don't know. He's the number one

Thesaurus comic in the world. He's still around. He would always do just a different and better word for everything. I know, and it's kind of annoying. He'd be like, and people like, all he did is look up thesaurus for other words. I didn't. I know, but he's the only one doing it. It is annoying.

I just saw him on something. He's still around. He's still kicking it. So, dude, we get back to the hotel. I eat that. We go back into the hotel, really nice hotels. And this is the great part about living in weird places for a couple days and then going back and having a nice place.

It makes you appreciate. appreciate everything. You don't just get in there like, whatever. You'd be like, what the fuck? The simplest things make you so happy. Give me an example. You flick the light on in the room. And you're like, oh my God.

You get into the bed and there's a nice pillow and an actual, like a mattress that's comfortable. You know, it's just, you know, they have a store. It's all perspective. And then, so we get in there, we do that. And then at around two in the morning, I wake up. I got dysentery. From the food. From the salad.

Oh, no, no, no. See, the salad, it's the ice cube. Okay. You know how to do this? Ansalada. No, no, no. You know that no ice. What's no?

No. No, no. That's no. But like, what is without? Oh, fuck, dude. It's also something, it's also in English. If you just read that word in English, it'd be like a bad thing by Christianity. A.

But, hey, you're not supposed to do that. That's a. Sin. Sin. No, sin. Sin is no. Sin. Sin. H-I-E. Yeah. Yellow.

Yellow. Yellow. Yellow. Yellow. Yellow. Yellow. I'm getting there, dude. You're getting it. Whatever. I'm getting it. Here's a problem with Spanish. When learning a new language. You don't use it. You don't use it. I have to start talking to people. You saw me in Cuba. Day one, I was okay. Day three, I was like, I'm kicking it. I'm leading us now. Here's the thing on Du Lingo. When they're like, all, all, I have to start, you know, I have to talk. You know, What is this? I go, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing.

I know how to, when I see it. I know that word means that. I know when I see it, Manzana. Manzana? Manzana. Apple. You know, when I see it, I got to start talking to people into it. Because I'm at that point now where it's like, okay, I actually download another app where you actually talk.

Hey, I got tip for everybody. These are travel tips. I should save it. I'll save it. So, dude, check this out. Yeah. So we get back now I'm I'm I'm I'm puking and shitting Puking and shitting I'm dying I'm I'm really dying it's bad oh no I'm Puking and shitting Jack is annoyed seen yellow seen yellow the ice is just the regular water That's what they're riding in L.A. What are they clean the salad with? Because there's no ice left in L.A. What do they clean their salads with water? No, you have to cook vegetables that's the other thing cook vegetables

rice and beans and cooked meat. That's all you can't, you can't fuck with salad. You can't fuck with ice and your Coke. You gotta have the Coke, a bottle of water or a regular Coke out of the can. That's it. And I fucked up. And Jack was so annoyed with me at this point

where he probably just let it go. He probably would have been like, eh, but he probably just whatever, dude, eat whatever. Can I have your rice? You know, and didn't see me. So now he's got to get up and go get Pepto-Bismo. You don't think, like somebody's like, like, Coke, that shit.

You know, like, whoa, whoa, ice. No. No, don't get to tell you. You're just like, I don't know everybody's got it. Well, he can have the ice. He can do it. His stomach's probably used to it, right? Right, right, because the hookers.

So, dude, what? No. So, dude, all night. Oh, no. We're leaving it early in the morning. It sucks. Travelers diarrhea. Buddy, we got to go through customs.

We go to the airport. We go through customs. I'm going through customs. Is that Jack? This Jack. What do you say? I don't know. The church is in Chichi, it is Inglacia de Santos Thomas.

Inglacia de Santo Tomas. That's interesting because that's the festival is to St. Thomas. The festival I went to is St. Thomas. Episode coming or has already come out. I might just have printed out pictures somewhere. He's going to get me pictures, but I have video somewhere. I will find the video. So, brother.

Does that sound like here? It's here. Hello? Who's that? Who? Iguani? Your bunny? Who is it?

You got crank? He's got crank. What? What kind of crank? The good kind. He's got good crank. Who the fuck is that? Who is it?

Who? It's your neighbor. Oh. Yeah, what do you need? I'm going to say hi. Hang on one. second, all right? I mean, this is just, he's getting yelled up from the smoke right now. So it's coming up through the vents into his kitchen, the smoking. So, smoke? Okay. How good was the cigar?

Cigar was great. I mean, one of the best, right? How smooth was it? This is killing, this is killing me right now. That's, yeah, that's a, stop for a second. It's a, it's over a 10 year old cigar that I've saved. the rest of it outside okay no no we're right at the end so that's so funny that's how your neighbor but that's how your neighbor hey i got i got crack crank i don't know what he said he said i got crank damn i feel terrible why because it's going right up into his house it's cigar it smells so when you're not smoking the cigar through the kitchen through the vent the vent should have blocked off the vent yeah i didn't know i didn't know it'd be like that i feel bad i mean it's still gonna be be going up there for a while there's smoking there's the thing

it's going to be that way for days. I know. I'd have numerous packs of fucking that powder, whatever it's called, Arm and Hammer. Yeah? All over to try to soak this up.

Yeah. What are you going to do? You're out of here in fucking weeks. I know. So, dude. Yeah. So now I'm puking. Yeah.

I'm dying. We're going to be going through customs. Bro, I forgot that when we went, the beginning of the trip, when we went through that park and we're looking at all this stuff yeah buddy I picked up a lot of shit I picked up like obsidian

obsidian knives I picked up um pottery I had a pocket full of pottery and obsidian knives all this stuff that you are not supposed to take you can't take that stuff you're not supposed to walk through this I'm gonna try to say it archaeological site that was great thank you So I'm walking through this archaeological site. No, but I'm picking stuff up and I'm not, I'm, you can't take that shit out. You can't take it out. I just, but I was, but I was picking it up.

What are you, Indiana Jones? It's a little piece, but it's not a whole pot. It's not a whole, it's like a piece of a pot from a thousand years ago from the, the, the, the, you know, the fucking apocalyptic people. And so what they say? So, dude, I'm throwing up. I'm dying. I'm in the bathroom. I'm throwing up and puking.

I'm about to, I came in to throw out, I'm going to throw it in the trash. My plan is, before we go through customs, I'm tossing this out. I'm puking, throwing up, shitting, shitting, shit out, don't throw it out. That's even worse. I kind of get rid of it.

I can't go through customs with it. It's in my pocket. These are important to our culture. Like, I'll trash it for you. We're not checking bags. But look at the way I look at it, dude. It's like seashells in Aruba. You're not,

supposed to take the coral and stuff like that in Aruba if you take a bunch of coral like from the beach all the little things and you they'll they'll find you they'll find you they'll stop you find you find you and then you get put on a list so dude I'm like I'm just gonna go in the bathroom toss it but I got to go in I start shitting then I start puking then I start shitting it's money it's money belt all over again somebody comes in scares you I'm done I come out it's custom police are in there talking hanging out washing their hands taking pisses washing I walk over to the trash barrel, okay? I take it all out.

It's in a little bag I had. I take it out. They're behind me. I drop it in the trash. The guy had just emptied the trash. So it just hits. It goes, and I freeze.

And I'm like, this is the end. So they went like this. They go like this. They literally went, Oh, a little, do, do, do, do. Body, I walk out. I fucking. I go back, I go through customs, I'm fine, we get through.

Remember the PSP handhelds? Yeah. So I have one of those. I have one. I bought it on the way there. Okay. Right? We have to fly from Guatemala to Houston to Houston to New York.

I'm on the plane. I got my stupid thing. I'm fucking dying. I put it in the thing behind me. I left it on the plane. And I feel like that's Guatemala, the voodoo, the thing around the neck thing. Yeah. That's crazy.

You're forgetting everything. I forgot on the plane, but I feel like that was the the ghosts of the Guatemalan people go, you tried to take our shit. We're going to take your shit. We're taking your shit, Mr. American boy.

And they took my money, and it took my fucking PSP handheld. Oh, no. My Sony PSP. But when we hit Houston, I was feeling better. And when we got to Jeff K, it was pretty much all over.

I felt great. And that, That trip to me, when I got home to my house, and I remember walking in and going into the shower and going, and just drinking as much water as I could out of the shower, just opening my mouth in the shower. It's a great brush your teeth in the shower. It was like, like people who say America, it's like, guys,

you have to go to another country. You have to go somewhere like Cuba, Guatemala, anywhere where they don't have basics basics to appreciate or where they actually just have basics they just have basics i mean basically like clean water we have it here except a fair michigrisic electricity a lot of these people don't even have electricity a lot of people are living by candle at night you know um their houses are have open roofs shit like that um when i got back to America it was like for me

it was like for me it was like I gotta do this again I gotta go I gotta go some I gotta go again I got to go again Did you really? Yeah Yep I'm going back again You are

I'm gonna go with I think Andy Haynes We're gonna try to get Andy to go And we're gonna try to get Um Oh shit Andy I gotta get him on the club God damn I always forget his name He was big in Amsterdam for a while Roads

Roads He's coming today Is he coming today? Yeah One of my favorite people in the world. Yeah. Yeah. So I think Jack was like we should get Rhodes and Annie Haynes and go back to

Guatemala together. And the next trip we were supposed to take, he wanted to go into the jungle because there was a ruin site that they had just discovered that they haven't dug up yet. They did not excavate yet. And he wanted to go out into the jungle. And he was trying to find a helicopter pilot to fly us into the jungle and then take a hike through the jungle. He's crazy.

He's one of the best. best. You need a crazy guy who understands some level of safety. Here even like like I was like you found it. You found it. Relax. You did it. He just walked up. What's up? What's going on, dude? It's like it's a tag that you could have been a block over you never would have found you. No. No. And he knew that it's just what you do. You figure it out. You figure it out. The old days, pre-cell phone. It's like, we're your friends. I'm an hour late. I don't know. They'll be one of five spots. Buddy, that was the greatest part. There's no cell phones. There's no cell phone. I had my little, I had a little camera that. I had a little camera that.

that I bought that I was taking video and pictures on and shit like that, but that's all you had was that. And this was before, like, vlogging. Nobody was vlogging and any of that shit. So even what I was doing was weird for people to see me doing this stuff, right? Most people were just taking photos. You know, doing this and that.

I was literally, like, doing this shit. Like, hey, this is blah, blah, blah. Very uncomfortable to do, by the way. Because you look, you look like a, you look like a fool vlogging. You look like a fool vlogging. Send me those. I got to find them.

I have them somewhere. But, dude, we, but like, The next trip, I was like, can we do a, like a trip that's not so dangerous? And he was like, all right, we'll go to Belgium. I was like, that's great. You go to Belgium all the time now. Went to Belgium, but we went to Belgium. We rented a houseboat.

The houseboat. So the houseboat was the, it was still this crazy thing. Adventurous, but less fearful. Less fearful. Right. Less fearful. Oh, there might be a draft in here. Oh, they might not have reservations.

Well, no, you got to learn how to drive a boat on a canal in 45, five. Is it a tuner? Forty five minutes. What? Was it a tuner? No, it was a canal boat. It was a, they called La Boat. It's called La Boat and you can rent the canal boat.

It sleeps 10. It's this flat boat. There's a deck on top with a, you can sit on, and you drive from the top. And you go down the canals. You have to call up the canal people and be like, hey, they tell. Like, hey, English. And they're like, okay. And you're like, I'm coming in.

And they open the canal. They open the, what's it called? Dan, not the dam. Not the dam. It's, uh, what is it called? The waterway where they let you, and it opens in, like the Panama Canal. Nope. Levy, no.

Bridge, no. Nope. You come in and it brings you up. Oh, yeah. It brings you down. That's how the Panama Canal works. It's called the, uh, off-product. Nope.

It's called the, um, I mean, it's not even on the tip of my tongue. I don't know the word. This is the best thing about technology now. Ready? Ready? Ready? What are they, call the stuff in the canals in Belgium where you take the boat and you have to go in.

Locks. I was going to say zero chance you get it. Locks. Did you remember or did it tell you? I remembered it. Locks. So you have to call in, go into the lock. They either raise it or lower it.

And then you go through it. And you'll be in there with other boats. So you have like learn how to draw going to go into a canal with other boats, tie off. Then we pulled into Bruges in this huge boat and you have to parallel park it in between boats and that's your hotel for the night. So you park it there. It's $38 bucks a night to park it. And then you're downtown Bruges,

which is... So you just get right off in your... Walking you're right in the... You know, you're in a cat, you know. Wow. Yeah, like, dude, Max was with me. Don was with me. He had his kid and wife with him.

And this is why people like, like that don't travel. Like, a lot of comics will go in and just do a show and take off. Crazy. It's crazy to me. Jimmy N does that. Who? The one who is.

in here with this dead friend who got hookers. Really? Yeah. He would, Yoshi would always be like, all he does is go to his hotel. As soon as we do the show, he comes out, do the show, go right back to the hotel. Yoshi's like, I got to walk around and then go fly to the next city. Dude, we used to call him Count Dracula. Why? Because he would only come out when the sun went behind the favelas.

Me and Patrice were by the pool all day. Yeah. Like I remember the one of the... You couldn't even go by the pool in the hotel. It's crazy. We would wake up, go to the pool. We would go to the beach. I mean, I looked down one of the most... When I knew Patrice was just... a just a cute little white boy inside.

Yeah. Because he really was just a little cute white boy. Just a little, just wanted to have fun. I looked down on the beach and he was sitting down like this with his legs like this and the waves were coming up and he was just playing with the sand. That's so funny. I wish I had that picture. I think I took a picture of it. Really?

He was just sitting on the beach like this and just putting sand on his knees and the water would come in and the waves would come in and wash it off. And I remember looking down, like, I was like, that's so adorable seeing Patrice just be the little kid that he probably never, he probably never did that as a kid. The beach will make anyone into a boy. It will make anybody into it. I spot you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. But Norton was dead. We call them, we call them Count Dracula. Because he would come out at the sun will go behind the favela and then all of a sudden, Jim will come up with an Aussie shirt and jorts. What's that? We're going to get some food? And then every, oh, dude, that place. Can I show some pictures?

Oh, yeah. Okay, so here for... And these pictures are probably all from me, by the way. Ah, damn it. What? Your phone died? Yeah, Guatemala is definitely a place I would go back to. I went back.

What did you do on the way back? What did you do when you went back again? We did some of the same stuff. Yeah. Okay, question. When you return to a place, is it less magical? Um, I think you return to a place. You have to, you have to check yourself a little bit, be like, yo, man, this is a third world country.

you know because you get the feeling oh I'm just in a vacation place it's not it's not they will fucking rob you yeah you will get robbed but it's not personal you know what I mean

that's the thing it's not a personal thing it's not but it's also like the first time it went to Montreal it was like wow wow and then by the end it's like oh I know let's go expectations it's still fun but it's not like

there's no like what's this street it's connected as year first time Edinburgh it's like oh the bridges oh my God and it's like when you go to back to a place

He's like, I remember this. I think it's not, yeah. I think the first time you go is the most exciting. The second time you go kind of blends into the first time. Yeah. I think when I go back again, it will be a whole new experience. And I think it's been so long that I'm going to. I will change.

You'll fix your memories. I will absorb more the third time because I understand what I didn't last time. Like if I went back to Noma, if it was still open, I would take photos. I would savor it more. probably take notes. I would want, because I don't remember, like the experience.

I don't remember the whole thing, right? Emotional memory. Emotional memory, yeah. So, yeah, I mean, I love it. I mean, my goal is to learn Spanish and go down. And go back and be on your own a little bit.

And be able to understand people. Well, the craziest thing about some of these cities in Guatemala, which I learned, especially around Lake Otiton, is Spanish is their second language. What is their first language?

Okay. Some, Kichwa. Actually, that's Andy and more. That's more Ecuador. But just their regional dialects. To the point where I was in this one city, I was like talking to these people and telling about the goods, whatever, making it and stuff.

And I was like, what do you speak here? They go, we speak this. And I was like, oh, does everyone speak that? They go, no, the city next to us speaks another language. That's great. And you can walk there in 20 minutes. And they speak another language. That's weird.

It's fucking. It's crazy. we all kind of meet up in language too, which is Spanish. What? Here's the thing, man. It's like why everybody knows English pretty much. Yeah. Right?

It's a well-known language, for sure. It's the well-est-known language, if that's a word. Look that up. Well-est? For sure not, but yeah. Well-est-known language. Yeah. It's the most known language.

Yeah. That's be the, because everywhere you go, people speak it. Spanish. I wonder. That's Spanish. French, German. What's the most spoken language? I'll ask right.

Hang on. I'll do it. Okay. You ready? Uh-huh. Hang on one second. Hey, Frankie. Frankie.

What's up, buddy? How are you? You're going to pause just to get that answer? All right, man. Can you not interrupt Frankie? I'm sorry, Frankie. Hey, what's the most popular language in the world? What's the second?

Okay. What is the language that, what is the, what is the third? What's the third most popular language, Frankie? Thank you, Frankie. That's a metal. That's a metal. Do you know how Ari Shafir is?

I don't like this. Yes, I do. The Skeptic Take. He's recognized for his bold and often edgy humor. He's sitting with me right now. All right, buddy. All right. Let's call him out.

Why? He's done, I mean. Yeah, he's done. I thought you wanted to call him out and be like, you're a piece of shit. So at this point now, you got to wrap soon. Yeah, I got a wrap. Here's what I always ask. Yeah.

What country's calling you? where you want to go next and some travel tips. I'll start with the travel tip myself, because I just got this from my friend Dragos. Yeah. Want to learn Spanish, chat GBT. You speak to Frankie for 20 minutes in the morning. You just tell them how your day was and say,

I'm gonna speak to you in Spanish while you have your coffee, whatever. Correct me in English when I'm wrong. So the main problem is speaking Spanish is you get fresher because like you're, whoever I'm talking to is like you're starting to be annoyed. Yeah. He has unlimited patience.

He does. He knows how to compliment you? Unless you don't pay for the full one. You got to pay. And then at one point they get tone. For real? I had a conversation with it for 45 minutes. And then it was like, you ran out of your time today, Robert.

And then I was like, yeah, but can I just ask you what? He goes, you ran out of your time today, Robert. I was like, I know, but I just have one. You've ran out of your time. For real? Yes. Yes. So I did it.

I got to download it. But we started Spanish at the same time. he's Romanian so he's Spanish is already going to be better because it's like similar but lapped me lapped you with that with that it was like intercombo without so that's my travel tip get chat jbt and practice whatever language in that because it's better than duolingo in that way so no where do you want to go give me your travel tip and oh we didn't do chicken buses chicken buses chicken buses are it's a weird thing and it's a dangerous thing

they're very dangerous they're very dangerous they're very dangerous and it's a mode of transportation and a lot of people take them and you you get on it and it will bring you and everybody else you'll be jammed in there and they're very um i would say

uh ornate right uh flamboy Bamboyant, decorated buses that, and they don't, like in America, you can't take a bus on the Sawmill River Parkway because it's dangerous. It's too small. In other countries, that, that, there's, go for it.

Go for it. And you will die. Like, they will fall off the side of the road. Yeah. They go fast. They're dolled up like Lucha Libres, kind of like this. Absolutely. They're completely, everyone's different.

They've got their own routes. and they're private because there's no public transportation system like that. They love color. It looks like masks. It's the craziest thing. Look at this, Matt. Look at that.

Look at that. That's from South America, right? That matt, that knitted thing over there. Uh-huh. Yeah, it's all. Look at the colors. They don't like two colors. They like all the colors all the time.

I know I have a chicken bus, a picture of one. I think I showed it before. Yeah, you did. Oh, that's, I already am skiing now. They're crazy. They're so cool looking, the brightness of it. And you know what? They are reclaimed school buses from America.

Right. So I saw one, you can still see under the paint. It's the Staten Island Public Schools. No shit. That's awesome. Yeah. That's why. Look at this.

Time lapse of the sunset over Lake Otitlan facing the volcanoes. Guatemala is all volcanoes. Is it the most volcanoes? Most volcanoes, I believe, anywhere on the world, right? Possibly. I think it does. I think it has, or it's either one or two. Yeah.

All volcanoes. That's why the soil there is amazing. Look, isn't that fucking gorgeous? Yeah, the lights come on across the river. People still boating across. It's wild. It's wild. I love being alone just setting up a time lapse

and getting it later. It's wild. Wow, look at that. Yeah, chicken buses are nuts, dude. Yeah, and they throw your stuff on top. Old ladies come running in and leave. They jump off in the middle while it's still kind of You can buy food on it.

You can buy food on it. People sell some shit, right? It's just their way of transportation. And I was like, tried to avoid it for a while. And then I was like, well, I may avoid it. Oh, here it is, there it is. On a chicken bus. This is what they look like on the inside.

It's just an old school bus. It's just an old school bus. But you're going to take it on a road. So uncomfortable. And you might fall off a cliff. Yeah. And that's just the way it is, dude. Oh, there's me watching World Cup outside Lake Otte de Laugh.

Wow, that's great. I mean, that, see, that's the stuff right there, man. These little... World Cup. These little places. You can just go in and get a little food Look at there's a chicken bus There's two chicken buses

Yeah They were so cool All right where do you want to go And And oh I'm not showing that But I definitely took a chicken bus up there Wait San Island Pickleworks

It's the reclaim thing Isn't that crazy And Guatemala The number's so old That they don't have the area code That's so fucking old This is Boom

There's a chicken bus right there Look at that thing They throw all your shit up top Uh huh And I'm like You're gonna steal it I'm like oh my god Well

And there's people And there's people Just hanging out There's guys on top They fucking throw your shit down Yeah Look at that man It's another time

For another city That I'm not gonna tell Anybody in the world about You don't want to tell people about it Not this city Why? Wow Let me tell you something

You know what this is? No It's an Antigua Is it? Yeah Where It's a popular chain restaurant and a restaurants

I'm using that loosely. Fast food. Really? McDonald's. That's McDonald's. The most beautiful McDonald's. I imagine in the world. Bob? Get out of here. There's a McDonald's. Oh my God. That's Ronnie. That's Ronnie McDonald's. These people who gave me the cigar, they go, go to Starbucks. I'm like, get the fuck out of here.

I'm not going to Starbucks in Antigua. And they go, no, no, no, no. I get what you're saying. Go look at it. And it's like this too. I don't think I have a picture of the Starbucks, but this is the McDonald's. Look at that. It's so beautiful. It's so pretty. Green, beautiful.

It's like back in the day. Cobblestone streets, fountains. So where do you want to go? What's calling you? What's your travel tip? I think I want to go back down to Guatemala again. Okay. I think I have to go back down because I didn't absorb it as much as I should have

because of. Quite as much as you should have, yeah. Because of fear. I've traveled a lot since then. So now you be a better traveler. I'm 100%. That's the other thing. You can go back to some with new understate.

Like you go to somewhere 19, like I'm so scared. I can't do this. And then you go back way later. And it's like, and it's like, uh, Antigua. And it's like, um, no way, I went to the Starbucks. Here's the thing, dude. When you travel, you take too much shit. I can go back now with a backpack.

Just a little bit. I can go back one pair of pants. I'm wearing that. I'm going back. Antigua cigars. Yeah, I'm going back one pair, one, a button down shirt to go to a restaurant if we have do a nice comfortable pair of shoes i'm not bringing two i think i brought two pairs of shoes the first time i brought so much stupid i brought a sony planned the handheld Sony playstation i mean look around

it's like dude bring a book bring a book bring in and i think my travel tip would be okay and i love it that phones exist now take your phone photos and a notepad take a photo but write down either in your phone or i I actually, what happened there? The name of the place. So, you know, so like, I don't know all these places. This is right outside, Antigua, not even where outside. I mean, like, a 10-minute walk away. Yeah.

Oh, there's like a little old ruins. Yeah. And it's not the touristy part of town. So you're like, it's gorgeous. One thing I bought in, in, in, last time I was in Amsterdam. Yeah. I went to the store and they have sketch pads, custom-made sketch pads. Leather.

So they make leather, they'll stamp your name in it. And you can pick the paper, like drawing paper. like drawing paper, watercolor paper, writing paper. So what I did is I got a half writing, half drawing pad. So half is to write. And the other half is you can sketch on. Oh, cool. So I think when I go back, I'll probably take those moments and maybe,

because, you know, I like drawing and shit like that. Just draw a little thing, take a photo. And just chill the fuck out. Yeah. Think you're going to translate this? This is on the rules. Ola, me, amor. Ola, my love.

Uh, sa best. I think that I love. I love. Te am I. Te am. I think I, to you, love. I love you. The most del Mundo in the world.

Del Mendo. Grazie. Thank you for existing. My love, the love. I'll be with you for eternally. 100 years. Is that 100? 100.

What is that? they blah blah blah blah blah blah another teamo i don't know hard hard hard hard yeah so i would say i want to go back to guatemala i want to go back with jack i want to go back with a couple of the people and i think my travel tip would be you got to bring a notepad uh in a and in some type of pen and and to uh take photos and and and but right about that shit don't just take a photo right about it right about that moment you had like what is it and check it emotional feeling i came across this i was at a coffee shop and I didn't know what it was going. This is before Jack found me.

All that shit. Yeah, because you know what I mean? Because it mushes together. Like the hat thing. I wish I drew the lady, took a photo of the lady with a hat. I might have it still. But yeah, I would take a pen. And I know you could type it in your phone.

But I feel like when you write something down with a pen or a piece of pencil, there's something different. When you type something, I think it doesn't stick. When you literally sit down. down and write something is a connection that you make yeah when you're in teague there's this volcano in the back and it goes off every two three minutes yeah and you're like oh it's just smoke billowing and then you hike up there these canadian chicks they were really cool from i think nuffy girls and then um and then uh you get up there night falls and you realize you're up near

the volcano on the opposite side and what do you see there it is again no way yeah it doesn't erupt does it it's erupting a lot of it's erupting a lot of the time. See the smoke on it to the left? Wow. Wait, as it gets darker. No. Dude, we're in the middle of fucking, we're on top of the world. Where are you going to stay? There's these little, like, lean-toes. Are you staying up there? Yeah.

See, this, I should go with you. You should come. The hike was terrible. It was straight uphill for six hours. Who gives a fuck? Air would get thinner and thinner. So you're like trying to catch your breath and just keeps getting less. Wow, that's beautiful. Oh, shit. That's an eruption.

It's just over and over and over again. But here's the thing with that. Don't you, aren't you worried that that? I always hate those videos. It's like, hey, mom, and then you just see, and then just fucking clouds. And these people are running. And the next time you see them,

their face is melted off. Well, the wind only blows one way so everyone here's safe. However, sometime after this, the wind changed one day and everyone had to be evacuated out of there. And I mean, sometimes after this, I mean seven days later. Seven days.

Jesus Christ, dude. I got to see one where it's actually night time. Look at that, man. There you go. You can see the eruption right there. Holy shit. Oh, my God. That's lava.

That didn't scare you? No, boom, boom, boom, all night long. Boom, boom. These people live next to a live volcano. Who are these girls? It's Canadian girls, the newfis. Any, uh... No.

We did have to huddle together for warmth. Did you really? It ain't a sexual thing. We need to be together here. It's freezing. They said that of you. Yeah, they did. Oh, wow.

That's fantastic. They're like, you got to crouch in. Bob, this is great. Yeah, man, this is great. Thank you again. Buddy, how come, can I ask a question? Yeah. How come I didn't know about this?

I didn't know that I won an award. So I had all these different awards. Yours was best pictures. Wow. I'm so happy. Oh, my. an award. It's a real award.

This is what makes you the best. Oh my God. I won an award. I've won two awards in my... Three. This is three now. I won the Devereux Award for Juvie. Best, you're making it out.

Turn it around. Turn it around. I won... Wow. I won the best app, Comedy App, Comedy Central Awards. Oh, really? I won the best comedy app.

I had the most amazing app you could ever have as a stand-up. Really? Like when you went to the map, my head would pop up where I was on the map, and you could hit it and buy tickets. Oh, my God. Back in the day. This is 15 years ago.

Turn around. Show the audience. Cuba. Look at that. Look at that. This is amazing. This is my favorite award. I love this.

And that trip was the best. That trip was the best. I'm bringing a transsexual. No, wait. A drag. Right there on that block, a drag music night. Drag show. We had four bonbon coffees each.

Yeah. Right? And we smoked Cubans. Last night there. We sure did. Last night, best night. It was probably the best night. I've been to America, Canada, Denmark, and Cuba with you.

Isn't that fun? It's crazy. Four countries have been. We need to do, you know where we need to go? Some type of Asian country. I'm in. I want to take, I think I would take back. I think I would take back, I would think I would take back,

Guatemala. I want to go to Japan, but I want to go into the mountains of Japan. Oh, wow, Fiji. I want to do like, Fuji. Fiji, it's Fiji. I want to do the mountains of Japan. Yeah. I want to go into the mountains and I want to find these old places and eat and, you know,

you take your shoes off and because they're so, they have so many customs. And the toilets are so good. When you squat down? No, I mean the fucking bidet things they have all the time. Dude, I like this. One of the air. airport you have no toilet you just squat nice um yeah we should do it we should do a uh a japanese trip but we go to japan and we just we do some we do some country shit fly fishing in japan

oh that's where that's where all the rods are from that's where all my rods are from by the way do you want to make make an announcement for your award yeah like a video and i'll put it on the uh on the ubi chipin pod um instagram page yeah sure all done take this out Bobby Kelly, you've just won You just gotten your 2024 Trippy Award for Best Pictures How do you feel? You've won an award?

It's my third award in my life And I will cherish this award the most It's best pictures in Cuba And Cuba was probably One of my best trips Because I had to survive I had to make it And it tested my

my my my psychology it tested who I was as a person and uh it made me really really uh fall in love with traveling again and that's why I love Ari Shafir because he he takes you to the limit and he pushes you over the limit and sometimes too far to the point where you might die but we did it we made it back and uh congratulations I want to thank you I want to thank Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior for giving me the power to make it through the trip. And, uh, grazias, Amigo. See. Congrats.

Dude, this is great. Congrats. Um, all right, good episode, buddy. That was fun, man. Yeah. I found it, Bobby. I found the church. I went in there.

I don't know what was going on exactly like what you found, but it was pretty cool. I'm back. It's market day. It's way different. today and they let me in the church. Great recommendation, Bobby. Well, that's the episode, everybody. Hope you really enjoyed it. If you did, please subscribe wherever you're watching and listening. I do these every week, different place, different country every week. Today, Guatemala. I also have merch for sale. This U.B. Trippin shirt is available right now. Please wear it,

wherever you're going to wild and different places along the world. Like a Mayan church. Yeah, wear it to Mayan churches everybody. To keep your hat off, though. It's disrespectful. And then put your hat back on when you support your favorite team. Shella Zhu MC from Shella Castanago. Thank you very much for YMH for producing this episode. Alan Caffey for editing it, Niana, for putting it all together. And, of course, Bobby Kelly, award winner for 2024 Trippy of the year for Best Pictures. Maybe this episode will be nominated for something.

I don't know. Yeah, that's it, everybody. I got another remote. Check out Killbox. Right now on YouTube, it's Bobby Kelly's great special. You can all see Bobby Kelly on the road in Uncasville, Connecticut, Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey, Cleveland, Ohio, Stanford, Connecticut, New Orleans, Louisiana, Mobile, Alabama, Levittown, New York,

Austin, Texas, and Brooklyn, New York. Go to Robert Kelly Live.com right now for tickets. Thank you very much, everybody, for tuning in. I love this town. I love this country. Until next week. As a little way to go. No, no, really. It's adios. Adios, everybody. Oh, wait, did I say, get a Ubi-chipping shirt?

I did. Subscribe, stickers, drew vials. That's it. Goodbye. Adendum. Addendum. Yeah, the second time in a row. What the fuck does that mean?

Addendum, an add-on. Did I do something wrong? No. We had to do a post thing. Oh. We found the cigars. Oh, you found the cigars. I found the cigars.

The cigars were there. The cigars were there. They were right behind me in the bookshelf. Yeah. This is the, this is why I don't do pot. Why? Because of that. Do pot.

It's not, it's not, people say, oh, it kills your brain, says. It's the little things that you forget. You want to hear of it a littler thing? My penis? No. Your penis. No. Okay.

Danny's penis. Well, no. No. Shut out cameraman, Danny. No. They weren't there. Where were there? I looked at it.

It's the wrong label. I looked at a different label that was that color. It's not this? They were back in my house. It is that. And I found the box. There was one placentia that I traded, that you're smoking now. This is the Antigua House Cigar.

You got it? I'm smoking the red because there are two other reds left, and there is still one green that I smoked when I was there that I liked better. It was a bit more mild. Bobby? Good episode. Good episode. And guess where I'm going in September?

Belarus. Guatemala. No, are you really? Going back. Really? Going back to Guatemala. In September? Yep.

For real? Yes. What? We're going to a different place. We have to take a Cessna to an archaeological site, a pyramid, that we're going to go and check out. What a lot. See? Okay.

That's crazy. Well, spoiler alert, we're going to smoke these, but I just want you to know they were found. Bobby did not get arrested and spend months having whatever happens to him in a Guatemalan prison. Oh, this time I am. This time you will. Because I'm going to get you a Jade accident. I'm getting you a jade access smuggle that shit

If it kills me I'm taking it. Smuggle that shit. I'm smuggling it in my ass. Yeah, train him from some Cuban cigars. Yeah. Okay, let's smoke these. Thank you, but I just wanted everyone to know. Addendum. Addendum.

I got nervous. I got nervous. I'm Boston trash. I heard it addendum. We did addendum last time. You're an addendum. A dun. Cut.

How about a dundum? Got it. All right. Addendum to the addendum, everybody. Some updates on that cigar. Some updates on that cigar. First of all, you can see Bobby Kelly right now in the end. His episode is Sarah Tolomash, Sam Talent, Robert Kelly, Dan Soder, Shane Gillis.

It's available for $599 starting on Thursday, April 16th. Wow, cool lighting, cool backdrop. I'm a backdrop king. Yeah, $5.99. However, if you want, my episode is also with Mark Norman and, and, uh, Duncan Trussell. My other episode is with Colum Tirole and Tom Segura. Now, if you're going to get those three episodes, that's $6.12, that's $18. And right now, up until Thursday, through Thursday, you can get all the episodes, all seven one-hour episodes of the end for $24.99. The price goes up to $30.

That's plus service fees. You will own it for up to one year, pass, when the last person purchases it. So probably around two years. After that, I'm going to try to figure out a way to get you a download link so you can own it forever. I just don't have that capability right now, but I am on your side. I've been poor longer than you have. So all the episodes at the end are available right now at ari-shaffir.com, 2499 for all seven episodes. That's $3.50 each. That's pretty fucking cheap for the lineup. Is Shane Gillis, Napar Gatsy, Tony Hinchel, Top Segura, Ari Shafir, Colum Terrell,

Dunkin Trousel, Bobby Kelly, Joe List, Krista Stefano, Jim Brewer, Steve Simone, Ali Sadiq, Ms. Pat. But guys, same talent. Guys, come on. Jordan Jensen, Joe List. Guys, come on. I put all my money into this. You should be getting it.

There's also an up sale thing for a hundred bucks. You get a signed limited edition poster. You can do that too if you want. But get all the episodes. I want you to watch it. I cannot wait for you guys to see these. Legitimately, I can't wait for you to see them. It's so good.

Tell me, I want you to reach out to all the comedians once you have seen it. and I want you to tell them which ones you liked. Way in on social media once you've seen it. The people who bought the pre-sale, you'll all get it at the same time. Right around noon-ish, noon to two, somewhere like that, Eastern Time. Deliver right to your inbox. You can watch it as much as you want. And you are supporting independent comedy in a way that no one else is.

So thank you. Without you, I cannot do it. And this is an offering to you, the most important people on comedy, the fans. Legitimately. It's a little bit gay to say that, but it's true. And now, oh, so you heard me on the, you're going to see me in the outro in from Guatemala saying the, yeah, buddy, all right, thanks, nice, buddy, appreciate it.

Hi, I'm famous. Yeah, I'll give you $10 for that later. One time I was in Santa Monica and I was trying to impress this chick from acting class and somebody came up to me and said, we saw you in Washington, D.C. at a show. Oh, I was in. Couldn't close, but I was in. Anytime you see a comedian, especially a low-level comedian,

talk to a chick, just say, hey dude, I saw you. Headline some show, I can't remember where. You were so funny. Anyway, I just want to let you know and walk away. You'll be helping him so much.

Some TMZ guy had said to me once. Can we interview from TMZ? And I was like, yeah, I was talking to some fucking Serbian chick or something. And then after I was like, you don't really want an interview, do you? He goes, no, I was trying to hook you up. I was waiting for someone famous.

Anyway, let's get to this. So I went back to Guatemala. You saw it in the bumper, the opening bumper, from Lake Atitlan. And you'll see this one from Cheshire, no, Chichacano. And I also went back to Antigua. Can I just say overrated city? There was one thing calling me. Two things. There's the Fuego hike, which is brutal and I say not worth it.

Fun, but not worth it. You got some juice, but the squeeze was so much. I got out of there pretty fast. I didn't even stay the night. I left early. I let the hostel keep my money. Good Tostadas, though, in the town square. Did put up a UB tripping sticker right under the bridge.

If you can see it, spot it, take a picture of it. I'll give you two free tickets to any show in 2027, because I don't think anyone else has spotted that one. There's also one of my hostel in Shellacostanango. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is this. I went back to the Cigar Lounge, to Antigua Cigua Cigar Lounge, Antigua Cigar Company to meet the guys again and tell him how I smoked a cigar with my buddy

and how great it was. And I went in there and I go, hey, are they here? The German and the Canadian, Canadian, no, German-Canadian. And they go, now he's gone. And I was like, ah, fuck, okay, well, I'll come back. Is he coming back later today? Like, no, no, he's gone. And I go, maybe I can say tomorrow. I might come back tomorrow. I just want to say hi and shake his hand and just let him know that like the Antiqua Cigars, like they did me right a few times. And I've shared him with friends. And they go, no, he's gone.

And I'm like, I don't understand. And then she said something in Spanish I've never heard before. Said a word I've never heard before. And so that she went to Google Translate, told me. He's gone. Yeah. I was legitimately heartbroken. He's gone.

He's gone. He's gone on. He's moved on. So, buddy, wherever you are looking down or probably in the, bits of eternal nothingness. Thanks. You help me smoke a cigar with a friend, and you, I don't know, guys visit. I don't really do ads like this much, but go visit the Antigua Cigar Company.

If you're there in Antigua, get out as fast as possible. But get yourself a couple of Cubans, maybe some Honduran's and Nicaraguan's. Get yourself like a five-pack of Antigua cigars. Get the reds or the greens. It was really sad to me. But anyway, get the guys at the end right now. dot com 599 per episode starting Thursday 30 bucks for the whole seven see seven episode one hour long episodes um starting Thursday April 16th or get them all for 2499 plus tax and

service fee so it's like 29 bucks um for all seven episodes about three dollars and 70 cents per and then I'm again finding out a way for you guys to own it forever but a minimum a year and then a minimum probably a two years uh they'll be able to be streamed and then I'll I'm gonna, I'm already Shafir. I'll figure out a way to protect the fans. All right, that's it. Goodbye. See you next time. I might do film here a lot. This is a cool backdrop. So you can take your mind off me and look at, almost. Look at this guy. Almost. Okay.