You Be Trippin' - Melbourne, Australia w/ Bret Ernst | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: January 26, 2026

Follow Bret on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/breternst/ SPONSORS: -Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/7chyhxwm #CashAppPod. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See terms and conditions at https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/card-agreement . Discounts and promotions provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit http://cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures. -Grab your own pair of The Dillon Freewaters flip-flops while supplies last at https://freewaters.com Thanks to YMH's very own Katelyn for help with this flipflop ad!!!! Bret Ernst joins Ari Shaffir on You Be Trippin’ to talk about traveling through Australia, doing international comedy festivals, and performing stand-up comedy overseas. Bret shares stories about Aussie comedy crowds, drinking at shows, traveling with locals, walkabouts, Vegemite, learning Australian slang, and hanging with adult film stars while on tour. They also get into travel regrets, missed opportunities, cultural differences, and what Bret wishes he’d done differently while exploring Australia. A comedy travel podcast packed with stand-up stories, culture shock, and life on the road. Hoo roo!Follow Bret Ernst & Tour Dates: https://linktr.ee/bretcomedy You Be Trippin' Ep. 103 https://www.instagram.com/arishaffir https://www.instagram.com/youbetrippinpod https://arishaffir.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:52 - Doing Festivals Together 00:03:29 - We Are Going To Australia!! 00:06:25 - Australian Comedy Shows 00:08:21 - Travel Regret 00:10:25 - Missed Oppprtunities 00:22:30 - Drinking At A Show 00:25:37 - Being With Pornstars 00:29:18 - Going To The Outback 00:31:27 - Walkabouts 00:38:05 - Learning Aussie Slurs 00:39:33 - Places Bret Wants To See 00:44:33 - Traveling With Locals 00:49:34 - Favorite Destinations 00:51:15 - Discussing Different Slave Trades 00:57:48 - What Did Bret Miss In Australia 01:02:12 - Psychedelic Traveling 01:08:39 - Duncan Trussell Stories 01:17:35 - Outro Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Where you been? This is our race travel show. Yeah. We're going to talk about travel today. It's you. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to U.B. Trippin.

It's a travel podcast every week. I go to a new place with a different guest. That's pretty much the whole thing. They just tell me about some place I bet. This is the only podcast that is dedicated to curing the chlamydia in wild koalas all over the country. And today, one of my oldest friends. friends in the fucking business, Brett Ernst. What's up for?

Hey, bud. hilarious comic. He has a special out. It's been out for six months now. Yeah, well, it came out today, but this will come out of six months. You're like, hey, can I do your pocket? I'm like, yeah, we're so far back. Oh, listen, man.

I mean, first of all, I saw you at Skank Fest. Yeah. But we don't really get to see each other. And now I come to New York, so either way, we're catching up. Yeah, exactly. It's cool to see you. You look good. You look no older.

Your eyes are worse, but that's it. What do you mean? like red you can't read oh terrible yeah terrible man i gotta wear readers oh where are they they're over there buddy you can't find them and i forget where my readers are that's what happens when you get older i just the last time we even did a podcast was in cabo that's crazy me you and florentine that's crazy that's right that was a great festival though the shows were so bad but that was the payment for having time in cabbo you know it's funny too we we Every, I don't know if it's just a coincidence,

every time we do festivals, we end up, because we were in Montreal together, twice. Yeah. And then we were like, yo, it's just, and we just walked around and hung out. You need me to go forward with it. I mean, sort of talking about it. God, God forbid, I know.

I thought I was. You were like this. Yeah, and then later we'll, I don't know. I don't know. That's like, I don't know, do your best. And then the last, we were in Montreal, was the last one when you started that petition. Oh, yeah, the petition.

because they weren't paying the younger comics to go up there and having them pay for themselves. And we were like, because remember we were at the bar and you found that out, you're like, what the fuck? It's like, it's just kind of bullshit. They can't afford anything. This is sad. Yeah.

Kid lost his job to go up there. Yeah, they put him in a hostel. They're like, they won't tell them until the last minute so they got to rush a passport. They don't have a passport. So they're going to pay $500 for a passport rush. Dude. But you know what, though?

They did it. Yeah, they got there. We didn't handle it. We didn't go public and say, let's embarrass them. How dare they? We wrote a letter straight to them that no one saw, had everyone sign it. Like, hey, we're uncomfortable with this. We're just letting you know, where are your comics?

We're Brett Ernst and Sennari and Sarah Silverman and Rogan and Tom. Everybody. There's a couple people tell you afterwards. I don't want to sign this. I'm all right. But just say, we're uncomfortable. And they called me the next day and said, hey, we're going to fix it. We'll talk about it today's the meeting.

We don't know how to do this financially, but we get it. And now in their defense, I didn't know they were in that much of financial disarray because now we lost the festival. But I think, didn't Howie Mandel buy it or somebody bought it? Yeah, I talked to High Mandel and he goes, yeah, I'm fucking broke now because they went under. That sucks. He bought this whole festival and then it's gone a year later. Wait, wait, that's not we're here to talk about today. No, we're not.

We're here to talk about where? Australia. Australia. When did you go? Why'd you go? What'd you get into? Don't remember how long ago. Let's just say maybe 2014.

Okay, you're already in comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was, that's, I mean, to be honest with you are, if I never got in comedy, I never would have traveled anyway. Isn't it crazy? Yeah. I sent a letter once to the staff, the door guys, and specifically the phone guys from Iceland.

I sent him a postcard. Just say, like, hey, guys, stick with it. I'm one of you. But like, it brought me to Iceland. Yeah. You know? I'm here in this fucking crazy like seeing geysers

just from fucking dick jokes it's crazy where it brings you And I think that's why I mean there's a bunch of us Without patting anybody Each other on the back But I think that's why we stick up For the for the other comics

Because that's the You know that's the beautiful thing about comedy And I There whoever's opening for you Middling for you Doing guests We've all been at every level I was a door guy

You were a door guy This guy this headline was a door guy You can't skip it Yeah So with that comes look you got it you know with that comes you got to not earn a certain thing but you know make your way up and then with that also comes to compassion for them when we know they're getting fucked over and we're not going to let it happen if if if we like what can i can i can't

do anything you're like you can all right yeah just to think out to the bucks but why'd you go to melbourne what was uh comics lounge in melbourne was fucking one of the best clubs man they're all um i don't have it here fuck I just saw those guys who went to a state of origin. We went to a rugby match. Because they love... Cowboys. Yeah, loves the Cowboys.

Grant loves the Cowboys. Yeah. The cowboy friends. It was such a crazy thing to relate to some people from Australia on. Is that they love the boys. They love them. I mean, you get there and you're just like talking to an American friend. With an act, with a funny accent.

Well, the thing that was because, you know, Melbourne. Melbourne, Melbourne. And, you know, they'll correct you on that. I said Melbourne. But then I'm like, but I was like it's, it's, you know, ban. Why would you spell it that way then? Yeah. That's the same thing they're doing in Boston, like Worcester.

Why do you spell it Worcestershire then? You know, why does it say Worcestershire then? It changed to Worcester. Changed to W-O-O-S-D-R. But that was also the first time I experienced comedy with intermissions, which that was unusual to me. Yeah, yeah. And because what they would do is, you know, because basically the MC is kind of more important than the headliner if you think about it.

Because they have to do, they would do like 15 minutes, bring up somebody to do like 10, intermission. Intermission, go get drinks. Come back up. MC does like another 10 brings up or another 15 brings up the middle. Yeah. Intermission. MC comes up again, does another 10 to 15 brings the headliner up and then, you know, you finished it out. It's weird.

You're right. The MC is important. The headliners with it. for but and you know we weren't used to that I wasn't and I'm like are you sure this is gonna work it fucking works it works I remember the first time somebody suggested like no it's not the way we do it like we do it here I'm like that's wrong and they go but it works here and you're like well I guess let me try it I love it it was people don't talk they don't they don't drop in chats we'll be able to talk in 30 minutes yeah we just started we'll see two comics then we'll

all talk about it for 15 then we'll go back to watching some more and I remember uh I had the same And there was some British comic there. Fuck him. First of all, fuck him. Well, he started with that. He's like, you know,

I don't do an accent, but you're Americans, you know. And I was like, hey, it's our art form. In Australia? This, but he was from England.

Oh, yeah. Because there was, there was like some type of festival going on. But the Australians were cool, man, and they drink, they fucking drink, bro.

Dude, like no one. I mean, they're, you can't keep up with them. Don't try to. It's crazy. They drank and they took me to a strip club.

I was there almost a week and it was just nonstop. And I told them, I'm like, bro, I can't. What did you get into? Did you fuck it all there? No. Shut up, Brett. I didn't because at that time. Shut up.

I'm that serious. I had just met my wife. So you know how like you're in the new, you know, like I'm in love and that type of shit where I didn't want. You know what I mean? It's like the first. Oh, buddy, that makes me so disappointed. You have no idea.

You went in that time in your life. Well, when you get divorced, all you think about is all the pussy you turn down. You're like, God, I should have fucked that week six in that chubby waitress in Iowa. My biggest, I know we're out of countries now, my biggest regret. I was in the Middle East. I was in Dubai, which I know you have a bunch of stories, but this. and I was out and there was a guys with a lot of money and they were like come on

it was they took us to this nightclub which you've been there before right? No. Oh man it's just Russian hookers just hot chicks everywhere It's not what you would think for Dubai Oh no they're everywhere And a lot of these girls are there just to make money some of them or just to find her to make money

No but like How do I say it? There are hookers and then they're the girls that are hoping that like they can meet a really rich guy. Oh, I get what you're saying. But then a lot of them, you know, the women, they come there to make the money. So they're, you know, anyways, we go in the VIP room. This guy goes, there was like 15 beautiful girls there are.

And he goes, this is what he told me. He goes, because there's no public affection. Even if you're married, you can't hold hands, you can't kiss anybody. But there is a back room. So then he goes, he goes, all these girls, he goes, whatever you do, take girl you go in the back do and do in front so I go like this I go I just got married I said I can't I'm married and then he goes I don't understand like like what the fuck's I got to do it's like saying I'm a Libra but but I think about that missed opportunity missed opportunity I mean

and these girls were like eights and nine just strong strong and there was one that was fucking unbelievable how close we were you oh bro come on it took everything in my power i had just gotten married wow and you know yeah but there's so i'm telling you the truth i yeah i'm not in a you know i'm not married any i don't care yeah and uh no i didn't i didn't wow what i mean i remember one i was on a on a commercial shoot and i was talking to the hair and makeup lady and man we hit it off about like tarentino films and and kung fu movies and just like at first we was just talking and was like oh yeah let's let's go to one i heard he's got new heard during crafting tiger presented by quentin ternetina or one of those

house of flying daggers made one of those was like yeah let's go and then we kept talking throughout the whole you know they last for fucking ever to do 20 minutes of shooting and then we start getting flirtier and flirtier and then it was like ah shit like yeah i can't go out with you now it was going to be a friendly thing but this is like a date and then i was like nah i can't she goes we can go out as friends i'm like yeah we're past that Yeah. I got a girlfriend. Then I broke up with a girlfriend like two months later.

And I'm like, I wish I should have gone on with that chick. You try to hit him back up. Like, yeah, shut up. Like in two months? Yeah.

You have three kids in two months? What the fuck did that happen? Time moves differently. I got a home. Time invalid. It's like when two brothers, one goes to space and comes back and the other one's an old man.

Yeah. What was it with Matthew McConaughey? Contact. Yeah, the time continuum. Hi, everybody. I'm breaking out of today's episode to let you know. A little bit about the guest, Brett Ernst. He is a comedy store regular.

To the bone. He is a straight-up killer. One of the most underappreciated comics, not only in the country, but in the world, I'd say. He crushes. He crushes. Underrated because you might not know who he is. He is as great as this view. I'm here in Australia, in Melbourne.

There's a stream in the center of Melbourne that has this great waterfall, and I'm there right now. Just trying to research other stuff he's told me in this episode. But let me tell you a little about how to find Brett. First of all, you can see him in the new Cobra Kai show. All notes. Where is it? He plays Uncle Louis. He plays really just a caricature of himself.

An annoying when he's drunk guy. I don't know if you guys know who Brett Ernst is. He's the real deal. He just push-ups in the parking lot to make his muscles look more swole. What is that? Oh, Steamboat. You can find him on brettcom. It's Instagram.

It's at Brett Ernst. YouTube Brett Ernst Comedy. You can see his specials Brett Ernst Uncaged, domesticated animal and principals office. You can also see them on the road. Magoobies right outside Baltimore, February 14th and 15th, and all over Las Vegas through the whole year,

Imagine and Jimmy Kim, always playing all of them. That's it for myself, I've got nothing to add. You can guess where I am? Another 10 cents to you. Oh yeah, always show the, I forget, always take off the hats, you can see my face. That's my fault. I'm in a place where I thought there'd be,

you ever get to a place when there's, and this is more for the outro, but you ever get to a place where you forget where tourists are? They're pretty fat. You forget there's a lot of Chinese people around. And if you travel around, you might not see the fat people, but then you do it's weird.

You can, oh, I'm gonna take this off. You can get a t-shirt for myself, if you wanna support this lifestyle I have, you'll be chipping shirt, you also get a go for a hike shirt. We're not gonna reprint those. This is probably like 10 left. But if you were at one of my shows, in 2027, I'll sign it for you.

You can tell me where you took it on a hike. I took it here. Also, I should tell you right now, on all trails. I'm the number one comedian on all trails. This hike I'm doing right now is on all trails. Today's date is like January, like 16th, 15th or 16th. You can see it. And then you'll find out where the fuck I was.

It's actually the only and most up-to-date way to find me. Guys, I'm already sure. Please subscribe wherever you're watching and listen. and subscribe to the UBichipping. Instagram account, you be chipping pod. And also, legitimately, follow Brett. And if you ever get a chance to see him live, I don't often guarantee you a good time.

But this is a 100% good time. The last time I was a Skangfest in Vegas, me and Joe List was just talking about what was Joe, and I was agreeing with him. How much he crushes. There's a bit he has about trying to complain at a mom-and-pop restaurant. And then he picks up the stand.

They're like, oh, the first. foodist goals like, oh, the food is called. Hey, Margaret, he says your food is gold. Get the fuck out of here. So, dude, he's so physical and so funny. He's the man. Breederance is the man. And everybody who meets him goes, oh, yeah, wait, do you know he's the man? Do you know he's the man? I guess that's what Pete Davidson's tuning into for when he presents his special. Uncaged. That makes sense. Breedance probably reminds Pete of the father he never knew because the 9-11 terrorists, by orders of the Jews, completed their task. I'm Arias Jaffair. Let's get back to the episode. Australia. But, but Mel, it was, it was like. So what'd you get into while you were there?

What'd you do? How'd you find it? 17 hour flight, which sucks. And then the ticket got messed up. So they put me in a middle seat. Oh. And then I'm sitting next to this guy, nicest guy on a planet. Worst fucking breath. And there was an art festival there too. And he kept talking to me. Now, it's not like, you know, you got a two and a half hour flight. You can pretend to be asleep. Eventually, you're going to wake up. You're going to wake up. he's going to be there. Eight straight hours. Yeah.

And he's like, yeah. Yep. And he's all in your face and space. And the other thing is, and I don't know, he had spit. Like he had dry mouth,

you know what I mean? It's making me self-conscious. And it was, you know, he's seen it in the corner and he had that, that breath. But he was such a nice guy.

And, and he became interesting. He had an interesting conversation. Yeah. Once you let him take over. Yeah, but then he was like this, artist and then he and then he showed me he because he went up and show me what he did and um it was

like a weird style of painting but it looked real but like if you look it was again it's so long it was like you know how people do like the dots yeah but then it's he did it like with dots it was that that that type of like yeah it was like one of those things were like and it looked and it looked real damn how do they do that you ever see an artist and it's like are you a fucking magician well i mean this this guy was talented and i found him interesting but So we land. I get off. They pick you up.

And you're looking at it. Like it's like that type of stuff. It's like indigenous. Actually, this is Aboriginal. Well, would you look at that? Landscape, scenery, abstract. Yeah, this is like Aboriginal shit. I don't mean, but you could tell.

But when you look at the, when you look at the picture, it looks real. You have to like zoom. Like, it looks like this guy actually used a brush and a pencil. But then. Yeah. But then when you zoom in, it was like one of those things. I know what you made. Hold on.

Where it looks like, legit. There was one where everybody's out of the water. What the fuck was that? Classical painting. But it's just a series of dots. You've seen classical. That was the one where they go,

remember there would be like those, where it goes, a dot is a dot, is a dot. Unless you put dots together. It's like when we were growing up. It's like when we were growing up, what a dots, a dot's a dot. You know what I mean? Like they would do like those little things in between like after school cartoons and stuff. This is one.

Those were all dots. Well, it's not going to load up now because it's going to fucking make me an asshole. There we go. These. Now that. Those are all little dots. But that this looked like a real person what this guy could do. Oh, wow.

Really? Yeah, it was like detailed, like shadow. It looked like a, fucking photo. Oh, interesting. He was really impressive, man. Wow, okay. With his stinky fucking breath and his dry mouth lip corners. So we land, they picked me up. Yeah. And the oddest thing I found was I get there. And I'm like, all right, so I like when I go to different places, even states, I like to, because you know, I don't party, I don't drink. What? I got drinking over a year and a half. But even prior to that, I wasn't a big drinker. What? But I ended up,

We're getting there. Okay. You know, I ended up fucking. You can't not in Australia. I didn't. I was looking for food, right? Now, I'm like, where's the spot? Everywhere I go, I want to find a good food spot.

And I asked, what's their, you know what their food is in Melbourne? Like the fucking chicken parm. Yeah. They're like, we got chicken pama. And I'm like, what's that? It's like chicken pomeg. It's fucking chicken parmesan. Yeah, or they'd do a little thing of kangaroo or ham.

I never, that's what I was expected. Yeah. And then Vegemite was the one thing that, that I tried, which was, you know, off. I don't, it was, it wasn't that good. But then it was chicken parma. That's how we ended up drinking more. Because then they're like, our beers and they had a whiskey there. And I was like, okay.

And, and then it was just. You can't not. They're so casual about it. It's so hard not to. It was, I mean, It was wild. I talked to some people on Australia. I was just there.

And I was talked to people on Australia. Like, no, I don't drink anymore. They're like, you're drinking tonight. Like, yeah, but three. And you're like, oh, that's not drinking for you. Yeah. Is having three cocktails. Yeah.

Fucking those beers. Bia. Bia. So do you know Dougie Chappel? That was, he's from Australia. He worked a lot of comics. What do you mean? He works a lot of comics.

He was like the whole, but he's like a pretty well-known comedian in, in Australia. Is that him? Dougie Chappell dot painting? No, that's not him. You just searched that. No, it came up. I put Dougie Chapel and dot painting came up.

Put Australian comic. I think I'm... But how did dot painting come up when... Doug Chappell? I think you... There's a Dougie Chaplin. Oh, my God. That's...

Now... This is by Dougie Chappell... Oh, Dougie Padilla. Dougie Fresh. Dougie... Dougie... This guy. Yeah.

Nice. So, Dougie was like a street guy in Australia. What I mean black? He, you know, he was friends with that guy, Chopper, the one that made the movie about to cut his ear off in prison. It's a great movie. What's his name played at the guy that played Bain?

Oh, yeah. I kind of remember that. But this kid was dialed in at the city. So the first night we were- Oh, here is a commas lounge. Yeah. Live at the Commerce Lounge. Bam.

I wonder what the date is. Put him my name in Comics Lounge, Australia, see what comes up. Yeah. One T. I know, buddy. I guess not. I'm a comedian. Nah.

Wait. It could have been. They were giving away free tickets if that's it. Could be that. Interesting. Nah, damn. Anyways. So the first night he hosted.

And, of course, Grant and the other... Dan. What's the other dude's name? Dan. Dan. Dan. So, you know, everything's cool. But you know that first night, everything's professional.

And, you know, hey, I'm Dougie. I'm the host. Yeah. Then they get. Then the next, after we hang out a little bit, you talk, you feel it out. What year is that? Oh, here we go. Where I share the bill.

Ah, damn it. No, that's not it. It's not it. It don't matter. We get it. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Anyway, that's Comics Roadhouse. It's surprised you can't find it, though.

So go ahead, what? So, you know, I meet the kid. And then Grant was being, hey, you know, whatever you need. So now we hung out the first night. We're joking around. That's when I had my first drink, the first night at the bar afterwards. Because I didn't like to drink before I went up. Yeah, makes sense.

Fucking after that, went out a little. I was tired because I was on the plane. Like, all right, next day, from that point on, bro, it was a fucking blur. And the other thing was... They'll get you. Because I kept saying, I want to see kangaroos,

I want to see all that shit. You're going to see stars, buddy. We're done with you. The strip clubs were phenomenal. Wow. Dougie brought me back. No one I know who goes to Australia talks about the strip clubs.

They all talk about the animals. You're talking about the animals. Why? Why were they great? Were they different? Or were the same stuff? Fucking beautiful girls. And they're really like...

the Australian girls are really like, they're, like, friendly, but like, they got a good sense of humor. You know what I mean? Yeah. And these strippers were like fun to hang out with. It's almost like porn stars. You know, fun out with porn stars.

Yeah, they overlapped with comedy for a while. Dude, yeah, because Tripoli was bringing them in and then, uh, what was his name, uh, Phil, Verone? Phil Verone, yeah. Because he, he did the sex in, uh, they just was this weird overlap where you were hanging out with them all the time. They would, but they'd be so casual about stuff they shouldn't be. They'd be like, yeah, I squirted on this guy's face yesterday.

It was like, but it's like, I didn't want to get chicken later. I felt like steak. And you're like, wait, what about the squirting on his face part? They'll show you videos, bloopers, outtakes. They don't care. They're so cool and chill. Yeah, and you're like, can you blow me? Like, no.

Like, why? Come on. Freddie told me you got a blow job from a porn star. Who? Freddy Soto. Long, before the show. Way before. and he said that his friends were like

no you got to go for that why I've had a blowjob but like you haven't and it goes they just do a different thing you've been with a few no I got turned down by one I almost hooked up with one we had like a kind of like a flirtatious like we liked each other never worked out dated a comic for a little bit

another one I went over to her house after the Braille improv like went over drove her to her apartment you don't have to say names don't say me no I won't but it was like and then she just wanted to talk and then like that was it and I'm like once you ever go to a girl's place and you realize she's not gonna she's no intention to fucking and you're not even gonna talk her into it and you're just like then in your head you're like oh really but in your head you're like what am i doing here i'm such a what do you think like what do you think the thought process like when they first

meet you they're probably like i'd fuck them but then something happens where like i'm tired or i think they were like no i can tool this guy maybe have them do my website and do like they They can tie a guy around their finger, you know, and they're like, I might be able to use him for that more than just filling me up right now. Just for sex. I don't know, relationships. Yeah. No, I'm saying sometimes they put a guy, especially me borderline nerd, where they go,

I can make you work for me. But that, I won't fuck you. But you did well. No, I did great, but you never with point of stars. Met a bunch. Always would have, Belladonna, would have, she had a husband. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, they're. Few. How are they? Fucking great. But what's great is the after, just the way they are, man. It's like doing, you ever do like recovery shows? Those are the absolute best fucking audiences on the planet. It's like the military guys too.

Mick, Benton Court. Hey guys, today's episode of UB Chippin'Hepin is brought to you by CashUp. What's the crazy scam you've fallen for? Almost Fallin for. I'll tell you what my friends have almost fallen for. and one has fallen for, when I asked you to send me money because I desperately need it, that's not me. I know, I'm traveling all sorts of third world countries all the time,

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I saw before he had this podcast, what's the name show up there? British guy was a sexaholic. actor. He wasn't forgetting Sarah Marshall. I never saw it. You know what I'm talking about. But I was going to say I met a couple of the porn stars at the recovery shows. Yeah. Because, you know, all the people that are in recovery, they're still chasing that dopamine and they're not doing drugs. They just want to clip. Russell Brandt. Russell Brand. Yeah, and he performed there. And at the time,

it was not really that good as stand-up comic at all, you know, but man, he could, connected with those people. It was all 12-step jokes because he had them. But you can do the most vile shit and they've seen it all. They've seen it. They're like, hey, I blew my dad by accident. So I'm sure you are very embarrassed to fart at a graduation. But again, I blew my dad.

Yeah, they were. Yeah. But the strippers there were like that. They're just easy going. Nothing bothered them. Cool to hang. They're drinking beers. The next thing you know, they're doing shots.

And they're not even, um, asking for money um and i remember thinking god if i if but you know when like i said when you first fall in love and you think this is the one that you're like eh i'm okay i'm a different guy now you know yeah that's great that you tried yeah at least you don't blame it on your fucking libido it didn't work because it didn't work it didn't well i blamed it on uh trust me i wanted It didn't work because I was still It was still new You weren't single yet

Yeah And then You know We were drinking But then when I went to the outback was cool You went to the outback? Yeah They took me all the way out

In the fucking Middle nowhere And we went on a On a reserve But apparently kangaroos Oh fuck you up Yeah that They'll rip your guts with their feet

Yeah Jump up and do that thing And they try to rip your intestines Out your stomach and they hit on their tail and they kicked the shit out of you. Yeah. The closer I get to you. So wait, what do you mean you went to the Outback?

What does that mean? They took me all the way out in this reserve. It was like an hour and a half drive. Wow. Dude, those guys are so cool at treating their comedy as well. I mean, look. Also, they're bad, they're rad guys. They're just like chill and cool cowboy fans.

It was one of the better experiences. And the people that go to the shows are fans of comedy. Yep. You know, because they are. They're just like us. They're just like Americans. Yeah. Where you don't go over there.

And they keep talking about, you know, in America, da-da-da-da, they're just chill. Yeah. And, you know, just fun to drink with. Yeah. Who did you, who did you meet? What was the kind of food do you eat? All of it. Fucking chicken parves.

And then they brought me vegamine on toast because, you know, of course I was doing the men at work. I'm like, what's vegamite? Because remember they go, oh, they're in a virgin mite sandwich. Yeah. That is it. He just smiled and gave me a vegetable mite, whatever the song was. And I was asking them and they're like, you go, oh, bring it, mate. And then it was somebody that worked there was like, my mom makes it.

Makes your own vegamite? Yes. So they brought me like homemade vegamite. It's like fermented jelly. I don't even know. Look that up. What the fuck is it? A thick dark brown savory spread that originated in Australia in 1922.

Leftover breweries. It's yeast. That's what it is. It's yeast. Ugh. Yeah, they have it at like airport lounges and stuff. they'll eat it. Here's what I found interesting.

Yeah. So you learn about the Aboriginal people, but they'll do a thing called a walkabout. And they feel they walk. And some of them could be just at work. If they feel compelled, they just go for a walk for Aboriginal people. It could be a month.

It could be the, I don't know, if you Google walkabouts, that'll put that up. And the other thing they do, is they would take bread and it called it petrol. Yeah. And they would like get high off of gasoline.

Really? Yeah. Oh, they're fucked, huh? With booze and shit. Yeah, like they got pretty fucked up. Aboriginal Australians were employed in cattle stations. During the tropical wet season, when there was little work in the stations,

many would return to their traditional life on country. There it is, unexplained absences. Yeah. It's commonly treated as a product of what was erroneous season. assumed to be a nomadic predisposition to wander aimlessly. So yeah, they'll go and like reflect and do that type of stuff. Wow. I mean, that's cool.

It's kind of what I do. Yeah, I mean, they're just like, fuck it. I want to go. I want to go reflect. And you know, I reflect. Or go meditate, whatever, whatever it is, they just go for walks and they come back when they want. Wow.

You know what's funny, buddy? Have you ever tried meditation? Yeah. Dude, I tried. I wanted to get centered. When I was younger, I was a little bit more aggressive. And then,

dude, I just ended up jerking off. Like, what? I was like, I couldn't focus. You clear your head to a boner? No, I'm saying,

I just was bored. I'm like, fuck it, let me rub one out. I couldn't, I could not focus on the, on the meditation. Bro, everybody,

I talked to a lot of people about this. Duncan, trust a lot, he's big into meditation. And he's always like, there's no right way to do it. There's no wrong way to do it. But that's wrong. No, I got bored.

I'm trying to listen to the girl's voice. And she's talking to me like, okay, we need to come in. We need to do this. And then I'm sitting there and I'm like, every time I felt like, I thought I'd fall asleep. And then I just got bored. And I'm like, let me just fucking rub one out and see. And that cleared my mind. What?

Yeah. That's the ultimate failure of meditation. They tell you, I did a 10-day retreat in Thailand, meditation retreat, and they tell you, like, as you clear your head, you're going to get different kinds of thoughts. Revenge, sex, is definitely one. So they tell you how to deal with the sex thoughts. That's probably what happened then.

Yeah, you go straight to sex, you clear your mind. So that makes sense, then? It does. So there's nothing wrong with me? I apologize. I realize now I was wrong to speak so hastily and judge you. I was wrong, not just to you, Brett, but to the fans. I think you're a little fucked up right now, too.

Let's get some more whiskey. Was it alcohol or something else? No, it was alcohol. I didn't smoke today. Did I tell you got high for the first time ever? Last night. I got contact high doing Legion of Skanks. Okay, hold on.

And I zoned the fuck out. Hold on. I have too many questions. Yeah. What do you mean you've never gotten high ever? I never that's what I said I never got high and I was never a big drinker until I got to Australia

that's why that was part of going through the story even though this is just a way for us to talk this is our theme and I know you love to travel we can go off and on yeah yeah we can go off I mean this is a big enough moment to require you know those acting things where it's like your thing is I just lost my job and then their thing you don't know

what their thing is and their thing is like my sister killed herself you're like all right we'll do your thing so like I had a plan for a travel album but like you're telling me you just got high for the first time on a skanks contact high and by contact high well all right let me rephrase that i think i got high one time contact high performing at a weed show but i know for a fact last night because we were going through and louis is smoking louis smokes a lot and you know your hot box in i was sitting right next to them and then we started talking and then they were one of the questions was would you

rather have a million pennies tax free or $500,000 in a money transfer and as we're talking I've become focused and obsessed on the pennies then I'm like how would you count it because I read somewhere it would take 30 how long it would take to count to a million and it just started hyper focusing on this and then finally we were talking and I just felt slow and then I then I was like I think I'm fucking high and you know it was a contact tie so it wasn't like a really but it was high enough for me I never smoked ever never try how do you like it um honestly I think I think I would have felt worse if I had smoked but it was kind of I felt mellow but I felt slow and then like even like ideas that I have for jokes

would like to have a comment would just start to go this way and the next thing you know I'm thinking about the pennies again. Wow. But that was the first, and it was on air. In my 52 years of life. You can watch it. You can watch yourself get high.

Yeah, because I remember going to think I'm out. Yeah, they get me high. They have, he pulls out dabs, a fucking loser. Dude, he's smoking. He was trying to give Big Jay a gummy while he's talking. Dude, it was fun last night, man. Dude, skanks rules. They're the best.

They should go to Australia. Oh, they would crush there. They would have a blast. They would all have a good time. So wait, what else do you do? Let's get back there. Then we visited on the way back where they make chocolate, like a chocolate factory thing. And you could buy it there, but they have, you see the fountain where they make the chocolate and like the way it rolls through and whatever the name of the chocolate place is there.

How did you, so you're in Melbourne, you've never been anywhere like this before. It's one of the furthest away places of the, I call them the greater Americas. That's the first time I was. Canada, Australia, England, you know, Ireland. That was the first time I was ever out of the country, country. You're not counting, not counting Jamaica and Mexico, Bahamas, that type of shit.

Yeah, that's like... Canada, you know. How do you, so like put you in a hotel, right? Nearby, walking distance to the club. I remember they used to put yourself in the same hotel. But like, how do you feel when you're there? Like the birds look different, right? The animals look different.

Everybody, you drive on the wrong side of the road. Yeah. That was... You didn't drive, though, right? No. You didn't get in cabs. Well, they were like, you can rent a car. And I'm like, I don't know if that's a good idea.

Yeah. probably not but the the watch you know getting the chocolate was was really really the chocolate there was phenomenal which i was like you know that's surprised i don't know anything about that and then i found that i'm a wog what is that it's a derogatory term it would be like the term for a guido wog yeah that means like um like a guido but they also throw it towards middle easterns and greeks as well they call any culture that uses cologne irresponsibly is a wog. And is hairy.

It's a wog. Because what does unite, it's like what unites Philadelphia and Baltimore. It's like there's a little bit of accent there. But like what, yeah, the stinky Mediterranean's. Well,

we're not stinky. We smell good. Right. Right. But you know, like I get my nails buffed and. But I'm saying, you know,

look, you wear the chains. You know, basically what you'd see like, they called us wogs. That was enlightening. The type of person would do pushups at the beach. And I got a funny story for you.

about a friend of ours but I gotta tell you all fair but it's really funny it's one of the funniest things that I've heard in a long time really? Yeah it was great you'll really get a kick out of it when I tell you I don't need to do that to your listeners

but I can't because he's a good friend of ours now I want to know but all right we got 50 more minutes what um tell me I just want to hang out with you man I know this is fun this is fun

where do you want to go you got any things on the horizon of like places you've ever been my three eyes Italy, Ireland, and Israel Never been to any of them? No Never been to Europe, man Really? Yeah. Why not?

What held you back? Well You know, times, timing Yeah You know, gigs Yeah Money Now the money's fine, but Yeah

Yeah, you're definitely high buddy Already drunk I'm not high I did say I didn't get high all day, but I did, but it's been, it's been 20 hours. So my family's from Catania, Sicily. Israel is so cool, dude. Why don't you go on one of those, what's it called gigs? Just say I'm Jewish, would they pay for you?

No, no, but he brings out a lobby. He brings out like blacks, even. Well, I want to see, because all three major religions are in one area. Yeah. I mean, now's not a good time to go. No, no, no, no, no. That's not true. No, I want to go see, I want to go to the whaling wall.

I want to go to the rock And I want to go to Where Nazareth And see all that Yeah yeah All the shit that's going on Just in one little region Right there

Jerusalem all that Tel Aviv Totally safe Yeah Well That it's it's like I'm trying to think What to even tell How we compare it to

It's just not It's not where you'd go Definitely want to go to Rome Yeah When I was a sure You're like a Guido. He's such a wog. Well, I mean, that's, that's a say you walk.

You fucking walk. I mean, dude, it's one of the oldest civilizations, which my, my cousin was such a guido. He goes, because when he went, you know what he said? What? Cyprus is a country? Yeah, I think so. Wow. Yeah, what?

But he goes, you know what I don't understand? We're at the Coliseum and everything. This is how he said it. He goes, when they sacked Rome, they just fucking left. it. He goes, you know, when the towers fell, we didn't just leave them. Like, they just left it there. Like, and just started building next to it. Like, he goes, you know, why didn't they tear it down? Yeah, tear it down. It's done. Build there. Can be a house. He goes, we don't do that here. And I'm like, that's what you got out of the fucking Coliseum. That was your thought. What a great takeaway.

But I do want to see the Vatican in that whole area, you know, because there's a lot of history there. I went, I was in Israel. I ran into Tom Rhodes. randomly yeah church the holy sepulchre just i i was like my brother was like let's go did some christian shit so he did and he was just he was there with his mom and he was like it's the center of christianity but the vatican also i mean but just the history there you know you know it jesus walked right there yeah and they haven't changed out the roads and everything still the same fucking pavement same stones and you know to to to to to to to look at like you know even go to Greece yeah and you know see like just all that

civilization that was there I would love to check out yet this whole area the Mediterranean is just because they say right here yeah uh the Mesopotamia was modern-day Iraq which they found now one of the oldest fossils but you know this was all one continent at one time I guess it's all like pulled in yeah you know it's just it's just interesting it's just interesting that there's been You haven't been to more of these places. Yeah, man. I mean, you know, divorce puts a fucking dagger and things.

But we were supposed to go to Italy because my ex-wife lived in Rome for like a month. And I got some friends and family over there that are like, you know, you should come through. But they said it in Italian. They're not like, yo, you should roll through. No. But yeah, it's the most good. Yeah. But I heard when you go, you got to go with the low, you know, people who know.

who know. Yeah, right. The Bert shoes. Better than those hally pieces of shit any day. There's a different type of touring or whatever. It's like, that's how China was really cool for the gigs because the comics who lived there were like, well, we'll actually tell you where to go.

It's like if you visit a New Yorker, it's like, no, that's a fucking, don't go to the time square. Let me show you where to go. Best restaurant. I know when I did go to Lebanon, that was really cool. They had one of the oldest cities in the world. I forget, is in Beirut.

Oldest cities? Oldest city in the world. If you look it up, it's in Beirut, oldest city in the world or whatever. Time, Beirut, it like predates any city. And we went there. What is Phoenicia? Finisia? Yeah, that was the most prominent city, making it one of the oldest cities in the world.

The first historical mention of Beirut is found in the Amman of letters from the New England. 15, God damn, 15 BC. 1,000 years ago. 1,500, isn't it? Jesus. So when you go to these places, you're looking for more historical stuff or you're looking for like,

history and food. History and food. And I like to take it all in. Did you see any history in Australia? Not really, man. It was mostly, there was a, I'll tell you what I was interested in, was there organized crime history that was there?

Because they had, you know, they had some organized crime there. that was non-Italian. I found that interesting. Where did you find this out? Just, you know, talking to a couple, a couple of older, you know, some of the people there. Yeah.

It was, you know, it was a cool experience, man. I would love to go back. That flight is brutal. But once you're there, you're just, you only went to Melbourne? Well, in Sydney, I was, but that was, I didn't spend time there. You really got to go for like a while. That flight sucks so bad that you're like,

I've got my last time it was like I got there Monday because like I just want to hang out do some spots and like whatever it took me till Thursday to just even be able to be up maybe even Friday I think it Friday Saturday Sunday Friday from like me up for my spots I had to pass out at 8 p.m. every day yeah it's weird because you know that you talk about a time difference yeah um I have though traveled in almost I've performed in 47 states where are you missing let me guess Wyoming Go ahead because it may be less than that now

South Dakota Nope That one North Dakota Did both Dakotas Okay but Wyoming Trying to think if we hit that On the Wild West tour

Because I don't know if I can't I know you've done Montana Been there Billings and Missoula Missoula New Mexico

Been there Santa Fe We did on the tour I know you've done Alaska in Hawaii Yeah. I know you've done New York. Mississippi? No, I've done that.

I got Wyoming, though. Yeah, Wyoming's one. I'm missing something. Idaho, New Mexico, Nevada. Of course, I've been to Idaho. Oregon. You're not going to believe. Vermont. Never done Vermont.

I was just there this year. Maine? Portland's got a good, Got a good club, actually. Wyoming? It's one, two, three, four. So that's 40. No, we already got Wyoming.

So that's four altogether. Those are 46. You said Wyoming first? No. Maine, Vermont. Wyoming. Oh, wait. There's another New England one.

I've been in New Hampshire. What's the big city of New Hampshire? That's the other one, New Hampshire. But I've been to those places. But not for that. I haven't performed there. I've never been in Wyoming or performed in Wyoming. Manchester.

Yeah. I, maybe I haven't performed in New Hampshire either. Yeah. But the state you really want to go to, you want to go to Alaska, you want to go to Hawaii. Wyoming actually seems pretty cool, but not to go do stand-up in, just to like actually have a good time and go like for like a month. I had friends that went, friends of friends that went during COVID. They're like, let's just get a place in Wyoming.

Oh, the other one, West Virginia. Even though I lived there, I never performed there. You lived in West Virginia? when I was a kid. They were the Terps big fucking rivalry. Is that where he went? Is that what he went? In the same conference.

Maryland, yeah. We'd always have jokes about Wyoming people. I mean, Western, New York people. They were known as the rednecks. What's your favorite state other than the New York or California to perform? Colorado. Colorado. Denver's great.

Yeah. Denver, Boulder, all of it. Skiing, Vail, Aspen, never been. Beaver. What's your favorite country you visited? Buddy, that's a tough one. The word favorite is so hard because it's just too exclusive. This might have been.

China? First place I went that I was like out there. But also, Myanmar, East Timor. I mean, I love Berlin. It's my very favorite city in the world. Well, I never thought I'd hear you say you like Germany. Dude, they're over it. Romania, I just went for the first time.

Is it funny how like we keep reliving history here over and over again? over there like i know japan is ashamed of what they did germany won't even speak of it yeah so you go to vietnam and you're like oh shit they're going to hate americans here and they're like no no we don't like chinese and you're like well i like now during the war chinese were our allies and americans we hated but that's 50 years ago because now the chinese are encroaching we don't give a shit about china americans we like them it's crazy and then we all like stay there russia i mean germany had a full war after our war to like unite and they had their own shit well after us they were still going didn't the russians have something to do with that though yeah i think they were like inside it yeah

well after like war war two everybody's like let's grab shit and so they grabbed all these and then like half of germany and america's like we got to stop them i heard the women like in like prague in that area are gorgeous i've heard you never been to eastern europe i've been to i just are going and i i'm so taken by it. Romania and Slovenia was so fucking cool. But that's where the slaves of Slavics? Like one of the first? Slav, slave. That's where they got slave from. Yeah, pretty sure.

I want to Google it. But Slavs are Slavics, right? Is that Slovenia? Slavic slaves were a kind of part of the slave trade in Europe and the Muslim world. The term slave is thought to have originated from the word Slav. Oh, that's not a question. Yeah. Yeah, slaves in having a large part of Eastern Europe. We're taking the slaves by Muslims of Spain. Because, you know, we only talk about the transatlantic slave trade in America.

But the barbary trades, a lot of good slave trades. But the barbary slave trade was lasted the longest. What's barbary? That's where the slavs, that's the, is, do you know, how about this question? This is crazy. Okay. Don't look it up. What was the last countries to outlaw slavery in what year?

Interesting. What was the last country to outlaw slavery? Can I look at the map? Yeah. It can't be something like Kazakhstan because you wouldn't expect me to even think. Oh, weird. Last country to outlaw slavery. Was it in America?

Was it here? Let's call it one of these. Is it in this region? Yes. Is it where Gaddafi was? Well, yes and no. Let me see. Where was Gaddafi?

or was that? That's Libya. Libya. Is it that? No. It's Mauritania. Moritania in Africa? Dude, I just met some refugees from there.

1982. Wow. Then Saudi Arabia in 1961. Now, in 1950, slavery was legal in all of Africa, all of the Middle East, and most of Asia in 1950. Really? Yeah. So from seven...

Human slavery. So from 1750, B. where the codes of hammer rabbi were like the first written slave codes yeah was in the middle eastern region from 1750 to 19 fucking 61 it was legal in the middle of us that what made him stuff what at 1958 you're like no this is our thing to go i mean it's still going on illegally they're not going to go away they're going to make us change the name to guardians isn't that crazy wow 1982 jordan was already playing i know they're fucking rapid just It was like, if we knew that, you'd be like, shut up, public enemy.

You got nothing to fucking complain about. But I just, I thought that was nuts, man, because the Barbary slave trade was the longest slave trade. What's Barbary? What does that mean? That's the Barbary Coast. So, um, the other thing that was crazy, too, is that the, uh, that slave trade, um, when it got outlawed, we, we, the Marines were, oh, the, like the religious crusades,

people thought was, uh, there's more tanania. Yeah. The, the crusades were actually, so Muslims went into Christian land to occupy it. And that's what it was about. It was about, because they were taking, uh, Europeans as slaves. So we started the Marine Corps actually to stop the slave trade. What? Yeah, that's why they say from the shores of Tripoli.

Oh, yeah. And yeah, but it was going on and, you know, and it was still kind of illegally, it's still going on, but now it's illegal. Right, it's like smoking indoors. Still happens. Yeah, still happened. It's like smoking indoors.

Yeah, this kind of want to go there. Slavery, not so much, but. What are we looking at? This is Muratania. Just pictures of Muratanya. Looks fucking badass. No people, though. You know what else I found out?

No fucking people. Do you know when the world started calling it football soccer football always right no in the 80s no bullshit that's serious so we're actually calling it what it was originally called in in america soccer because the british i think it was like 10 years before american football that's american football right yeah american football in 1876 that's american football that's when we started american football which it got to term football because they used to kick a lot more. Now the rules changed. Oh man, now they have no kicking. So soccer was used in the 1880s by by the British. All right, you see where it says the term soccer came from Oxford or slang,

which was a popular time was shorting of the term us soccer, which was the way they did it for the league. Ah soccer. What does that mean? It was like the it was like an an abbreviation of like the association of... But the term football is now more commonly used most of the term soccer originally. What? So in the 1980s, British fans began to avoid using the term soccer because they saw it as at Americanism.

American soccer clubs began to use the abbreviation FC for football club to honor British practice. But they only really started using it in the 1980s, man. What? But we're actually calling it what it was originally called. 1980s, due to Americans choosing the word soccer. It says to avoid. us yeah these fucking bitches but also they do it like Switzerland they call football yeah it just

became like a way to but we were actually calling it what it was originally called wow now there's another thing I read I don't know if it's true we could look it up but I heard that the reason why we're on a different metric system yeah is when the French sent the ships out with the new metric system at the time are the one that was supposed to come here sank and then we never got the information until like 20 something years later and we were already on it not much new measurement system the one they use in europe we're on a different one because of that we never got that information that's interesting now i don't know if that one's true because i didn't look that up but i heard that in like which we can look it up but yeah but in this in that

interesting about it is interesting because i thought it was always there and we call it some for some dumb reason but it's like no we're calling it the real name yeah we're calling it what it was and they're like no fuck these americans calling it correctly and then i always thought it was it was in South America football, but it was the British that England started calling. Because they all love Champions League and Premier League. All right.

Brett, what did you miss out on in Australia that you were like, I wish I had done that? Probably like going to the beach and, you know, maybe even though there's a lot of shark attacks there. Yeah. But I heard the beaches are gorgeous. Beaches in Sydney were great. Melbourne's far away.

I did this when I was there. It's from Melbourne to. Adelaide should be right there. And I'll tell you, I had an opportunity. I was working on a film with the University of Auckland in New Zealand. That she ran the film commission. She actually saw me at the comedy store and talked to me and asked me to help her write this script. What?

And I was supposed to go to New Zealand twice. And both times I had booked work and I had to, we were doing it like, you know, long distance over emails. And then she would fly to America. and we would work on this on this film but I wanted to go to New Zealand so bad I heard that is like one of the most beautiful countries but that would be another one on my list of want to go to I want to go what's this somebody's house Lord How Island I love these little things that you just notice on a they've got an airport it's the middle of fucking nowhere how is this inhabited the crazy part the fuck is this inhabited people back then would just

just sail and if they hit a land they would just market you know like the map makers and stuff like and they were pretty accurate i mean obviously now you get satellites and you can shift it a little but just all of this stuff that was just discovered by people just imagine jumping on a boat and go hey let's see what we find yeah oh we hit an island that's why it's all cold let's go to the cappella lodge god damn this seems fucking nice how the fuck do you get there what a vacation spot Look at this. Imagine they have four seasons there. Look at fucking this, bro.

Just enjoying everything. That looks like. Being a winner. That looks like Hawaii. It does look like Hawaii. You've been in Alaska, right? Yeah. Did you go with Lucas thing?

Yeah, once. This looks great though. I want to go there now. Lord Howe Island. Yeah, New Zealand seems fucking great. I would love to go there. That's a place I really want to go. But I want to spend like,

a month there at minimum. That's the hard part is getting time off to go really explore. I want to get a van and just drive around here. It doesn't have like mosquitoes or snakes or something like that. Hawaii has no snakes.

Is it Hawaii? Yeah. I think New Zealand doesn't have mosquitoes. Oh, that'd be great. I heard LA got mosquitoes now. Really? Yeah, remember you used to like never have them and you come here like, what the fuck?

Anyway, let's wrap this up, buddy Wait, what is it, is it mosquitoes in New Zealand or snakes or something? But you said Hawaii doesn't have snakes. Hawaii has no snakes. There we go. No, New Zealand does not have snakes. Does it have mosquitoes? Let's try it.

Yes. Okay, they have mosquitoes. Native species, okay. Do you know what's fucked up in Florida? Is that they started introducing like pythons and stuff. and letting them out in the Everglades, and now it's like out of control. Because now they're just like,

they're all in the swamps, yeah. And like they, there was other reptiles. Let's reintroduce monsters to the, to the world. To the other monsters. Have you ever been on an airboat in the Everglades or anything like that?

That's pretty cool, man. That sounds fucking awesome. That's really cool. That sounds awesome. And you see their little eyes and they go under? Yeah. Yeah.

You see them go under. But I think Alligator are not as vicious as crocodiles that are in Australia. But that stuff, I would have liked to have seen the ocean and went on the beach. I heard it's beautiful.

Yeah, the north was really great, all of it. But Bondi Beach, especially in Australia, is really just cool. Yeah, I love it. It's one of my favorite places, Australia. I went for a month this last time.

It's so... Now, do you do like the ayahuasca stuff or like mushrooms and like trip and go out? Not there. One time I went mushroom picking on Australia. Gold Coast. Now, but when you take those, like, because you've done that and went to like different locations, right? Mushrooms?

Yeah. Yeah, but. And like, you're overthinking it. Mushrooms, I'll take all the time. That's not even like a. But like what, did you take something that like enhanced the whole experience? Or did it work that way? Yeah, weed, booze, shrooms, acid, fucking.

Now did that, but when you were there, did you like see things differently? Was it more of like a religious experience? No. Mushrooms. He's never taken mushrooms? I never smoked weed. Wow. Last night was like, wow.

Mushrooms gets an interesting rap. Because while it can be a massive religious experience, generally it's just laughs with your friends. Yeah. And then once in a long while, or not even long while, once in a while, it can be this like,

oh my God, I see the truth and the beauty of the universe. But don't people like get really sick sometimes and throw up? Yeah, but like Marino once, we were all like in, Eric? Yeah.

We were all in some park. We'd go a lot to Joshua Tree and Malibu Creek State Park. And he was like barfing and laughing at the same time. He was like, because it was a forest ranger they're telling him to be quiet.

And he was like, blah. And just like laugh. So it's like you throw up, but it doesn't matter. And do you feel any effects afterwards from it? Yeah, it kicks in stronger.

But I meant like after you're off the high. Do you have flashbacks or is that just acid? Do you have to get acid flashbacks? No, yeah, everything's a little brighter. The greens of the grass are a little greener for like a week, especially the first few times you do it. And it's also like there's just such a clarity that comes with these, even if it's not this deeply religious experience,

you will have a moment or two of seeing just complete truth of some detail. And do you take it with you afterwards? or the yeah so you slowly start to forget so for that week or so it's like you still have those feelings and then it slowly starts to fade away you go back to your normal life but it's it's good to like write that shit down and like because those truths are real so if it's like if it's like hey my mom loves me and I actually haven't I get annoyed when she calls but actually should call it at least once a week and like and like she raised me she told let's just say it's that so that's like a real thing like she's just a one

and grew up she made her mistakes everybody's trying yeah tried her best and I actually should she really loves me and I should like pay more respect that's a truth so then like you'll lose that like a month later you're like this bitch again you know but like right then you should like write it down like no there's something there or like you know I want to spend more time with this or I want to like or homeless guys just call it the wrong drugs it's not it's not their fault I shouldn't be mad at them whatever it might be everyone's going to die and I should be okay with that you just remember remember that it's hard you gotta write it down it's like a dream it starts to fade did you ever come up

with any bits oh yeah and then wrote it down and then used it yeah did it work far more often wrote it down used it and it did not work it was just gibberish if i could even read my handwriting on shrooms which is hard that's great but yeah i'll tell you this though if you live long enough yeah which you should yeah um i will because i i plan on doing drugs when i get older like in my 70s 50s is already You know what I mean Yeah, I know what you mean Like because, you know, I'm still taking in life Yeah

But when I feel like, all right, I think I got it Yeah Let's go. Let's go fuck out Let's go do something else And go the next 20 years Just fingers raised Guns blazing I mean the hair would be so nice

Or the MDMA But you're such a dork, Brett Why? Molly's a fucking standard party drug Yeah, but it's not The first time you did it It must have been amazing God damn it was

Okay And then every time after that It decreases Decreases It's still an amazing place Yeah But I'm saying I'll do that when I'm older

You live in Vegas No fucking dude I don't trust me on it It's such a group I have a lot of addicts In my family bro Dude the first time I took it with Duncan

And then I was like Didn't hit It was ecstasy So it was mixed with a lot of speed And then I was like I think I hit It's like It's like it's not

I'm like I think it might be goes it's not and then he gave me another half a tab and I was like oh there it is oh yeah for sure oh my god this is amazing and just like smoked a pack of cigarettes in an hour I heard like fucking on that stuff's amazing too you can't fuck okay then that's small that's why if I'm in my 70s I don't care you can't come but but then the next day I was like too we got to do that again he goes ari ari ari relax we'll do it again next month chill what so you could easily get addicted to it. Duncan is Duncan's wild. Duncan's one of the most interesting guys. That's what I was going to say man.

One of the most interesting guys as a human being. Not that he slept on because we know him, but he was such a unique guy. I remember when he was a Satanist for a while? Still is. Is he? Satan is and a Buddhist. They're not mutually exclusive.

He's the most creative guy I think I've ever met. He's thinking outside the box. Always. Always. It's not like occasionally. Remember the puppet thing? Yeah, the little hobo. we'll all go occasionally weird he just lives in weird in these outsider thought processes dude i

told joe one time i don't i fell asleep and i woke up joe montaena no rogan oh okay and um and i woke up it was like 1 30 in the morning and joe and duncan are looking for aliens and i'm like am i fucking dreaming and i guess they had a tv show do you remember this where they went searching for aliens And I heard Duncan's voice and I was, you know, half awake and asleep. And they were like exploring Area 51 or something. It was on TV. Joe had a sci-fi show. It was on TV.

Yeah. And I thought I was like dreaming. And then I'm like, then I hear. No, man. But I was like, and I'm like, this, that could be a great reality show. Because Duncan is to me, like I said that, we, if, We know him is one of the most interesting fucking dudes. But he was always doing weird shit like that.

Even when Bob Oshack brought him on for the first time of the open mic, whatever, and he was like, he did this just, he's just trying to do bits, but he's doing this long thing about how Bob Oshack made him fuck him to get a spot. And he was like, climb the old Oshack pole.

It was just like, it was just always so weird. Do you know what he did to me when I got past? Duncan? Yeah. Because remember he was the Booker? Yeah. So Mitsy saw me in the main room.

And she was, I had. Rock comedy? Yeah. That Wednesday. night when that ran for like two months and then she pulled the park a bunch of people and then that's it yeah because she don't want i think she didn't want j to do it or something and he's like it's my show she's like i don't care but so because i did the audition process because that's when

corey was there so i did three and mitsy's like call back for six i did six she's like call back for ten call back for ten that's the last spot and she goes uh yeah and she goes mitsy didn't put you on the callback list. Then she goes, hold on, let me ask her. Then she said she didn't remember me or whatever. And then she said, well, I know you did six. So what I'll do is I'll rebook you for another six. But then she, then she stopped working there and then Duncan came in. Oh, cool. Right. Okay. So then I'm doing rock comedy and Mitsy was, because Mazz Jabrani goes, uh, because Mitzie wanted to see Maas. Yeah. And then Maas is like, go up before me so she could see you. And then I'll, and then bring me up. Yeah, you know, you know how we, how we roll back then. So then,

I went up, she goes, call Duncan tomorrow. So I called Duncan. I'm like, yo, Duncan, Mitzie told me to call. And he's like, who's this? I go, this is Brett Ernst. He goes, oh, yeah. He goes, do you have a truck? And I'm like, no.

He goes, Mitzie needs help moving. And I'm like, are you serious? He's like, yeah. And he convinced me that I had to come down. That's why she had your call? Yeah. Call tomorrow, I got used for you. And then he convinced me that I had to come down there.

He was a young comic. They're like, okay, I guess I will. Instead of it was now, you'd be like, tell her to fuck off. But back then you're like, okay, maybe this one more. But then he's like, I'm just kidding. She passed you. And I go, do your fucking. I didn't even know him.

And he was laughing. Even in that, he's being creative. He signed up a website for me for God's Little Ones.org. I don't know if it's still there. It was for people at a. Portions of miscarriages. They can have like a pendant to show. Dude, I told you that story today with the, with the guitar.

That was one of the funniest things. Boom, it's still there. It's not that organ anymore. How long has that been up? That's got an old look. Yeah, it's got an old look. It says 21. Yeah, so you can make, you can make like services, oh my God,

preemies. Micropremies. Children's books. So they make a model of what your baby would look like if you hadn't got the abortion. And he came up with this? No, there was a picture somewhere of a guy posing with a stillborn kid because the wife you could tell was like, it's our fucking baby. And he goes, okay, he's like smiling. Like, I don't know to tell my wife like, our baby's dead.

Wow. But anyway, Duncan signed me up for an account and then had me go like, listen, I paid for 34 abortions and I feel terrible. And I kind of gotten sexually aroused by it. He just kept fucking with him under my name. That's he's out of his mind. Yeah. But this was the site he built for you? No, the site was built.

He just trolled them with an account that had my name on it. Oh, I thought he made this for you. No. Oh, God. That's so gross. Oh, actual photo John at birth. Oh, that's sad, man. All right, let's go.

Come on, man. What the fuck are you doing? Let's get out of here. This is what we closed on. What's the name of your special? It's called Uncaged. Just go to Brett Comedy. B-R-E-T-com comedy.com and all the links will be on the website.

And what's the name of your other special? Because you were the first fucking YouTube special. Yeah. I don't know that. I did the first YouTube was Principal's Office. Is it out yet or is it about to be out but it's not out? What? Uncaged.

Yeah. They came out yesterday. Okay. So I did Principal's Office first and then the follow-up was domesticated animal. And then I was just, I did it like two parts. So like if you watch Principal's office and domesticated animal, it would tell a story. But I didn't know I was getting divorced.

So this became the third in the trilogy. Interesting. So if you watch all three in a row, it was tell a story. What and what? It was you would get- Principal's Office was the first YouTube special. Okay.

Right? Because you actually convinced me to do it. Because I was telling you the idea and you're like, bro, fuck yeah, do it. Why not? You know? Yeah. And then I, because I individually released that one.

That one did really well. 4.4 million people. Oh, cool, the old special thing. And then on top of that, yeah, and I did the sketch in the beginning with Eric Griffin as like an homage. That's actually my middle school in New Jersey. I'm about to see a thin Eric, aren't I?

And that's, look at his notes. Ew. And then that's a kid playing me. That's thin Eric, thinner Eric. And then this was something that I had wanted to do. Because remember Eddie Murphy had the sketches in front of Delirious? Yeah. And that was something that I, you know, I just kind of like, what is the homage to that.

Okay. And then I did domesticated animal as a follow up to this. Okay. And what is that about becoming? It's about being married. Yeah. And, you know, it's about marriage. But here's why I don't like domesticated animals because I was getting,

I knew I was getting divorced when I shot this. Oh. So I did this at Kimmel's Club. So if you watch Prince. People's Office and Domesticated Animal. Now, you could tell the algorithm change because there's only 359,000. Wow, yeah.

As opposed to 4.3 million. Damn. And that was six years ago. That was the first one. Damn. And then, you know, I had success with it, and then I was telling all the other comics, you got to do it, you got to do it.

And, you know, and then... But I think you, Mark Norman and Schultz knew that I was the first, because you knew I was the first. Yeah. And then this was... I'm supposed to end it. It's like just.

And then now this new one is the third. Where's the new one? The new one I shot at the stand. It's not on YouTube though. No, it's on the stands. Okay. The wits. It's on wits.

I'll have links for it up. But you could just put up, my website has the link on it. Oh, really? If you went to brightcomedy.com. All right, buddy. And then this was the new special is right there. Oh, cool. So this is about me being divorced.

Really? Yeah. It's so interesting that you record a special like, I have one of these jokes but now it's like not real anymore. That was that was domesticated animal. I felt like I was lying. The views show that you're like,

this isn't real. Pete Davidson presents it. Yeah. Nice. So, yeah, I hope it does well, man.

And if not, we're on to the next thing, man. That's why I love what we're up. At some point we're just like making stuff and fucking calling it. Just making the shit. Dude,

look, I love our community and how we just fucking told the business. You know what? We don't need you. Rock dicks, kick rocks. That's my thing. We don't need permission to exist. Yeah. You need us.

We don't need you. Yeah. We're the creators. And, you know, and we did. We, if you think about what comedy, first of all, we were silent films. We became sitcoms. We, we did, the podcast was us. They cook with MySpace was the first.

Yeah. The YouTube specials now. Everything, man. It's like, you know, we, we were the creation. creators. So and I know you believe this we just create and you create what you want. If people like it, they like it. If they don't, we move on. But we've really, comics have shook up the whole industry, man. The internet now is, I mean, look at Shane. Goes from getting canceled to Saturday Night Live. Yeah. To hosting Saturday Night Live. Because he can make his own sketch,

he can make his own special. Makes his own show. Before it be like, cancel. Like, who's going to take a chance on you? And he goes, now it's like, no one has to. I'll just. to take my own chance. You're kicking the door. Yeah. We don't need permission to exist. Pretty wild. But, all right, cuss.

All right, buddy. Listen, love you, man. I love you too. Everybody watched Brett's new special. Uncaged. Where is it? Brettcom. Yeah.

Anyway, I'll do the inserts later anyway. But, yeah. Also, guys, he's one of the best comments working today. So go fucking see him. It just hit me how tired I was. Yeah. It just hit the wall. Yeah.

It's three in the morning. Okay. All right. But I love you. Love you. Well, everybody, that was the episode. Who doesn't love Australia? Australia.

The people sound like they got punched in the face and buried in mud. No, no, no, but the women are the sluggiest on the planet. You've got to respect that. Congratulations, Australia. On your Australian Day this week, it's you're 238 years old. 238 years since you successfully invaded and wiped out the indigenous population. nearly wiped him out. You left him with one musical instrument to give to the world. The most useless musical instrument in the world sounds like a fucking frog is being stepped on lightly. Did you

redo? And also that fucking tool that fucking you throw around and it comes back. That's just two things. There's two things you left. Everything else you fucking successfully. I wanted to make a museum. Tell me what you think of this. A museum of Colin. And it just shows the positive parts of colonization. All the beautiful churches in South America. Where would that be without white people? I don't think so. I don't think so, Inkins.

You can't slide a piece of paper in between your stones. But where's Jesus? Nowhere to be found. Brett Ernst, everybody. Like I said, one of the best comics in the country. You can find them at bretcombe.com. Instagram at Brett Ernst. Am I, is this shining on my bald spot? Hella right here?

It seems like it would be, right? Here, not so much, but I'm backlit. Anyway, find Brett Ernst. You can find a special uncaged. Pete Davidson prevent uncaged, domesticated animal and principal's office, all available on the number one platform for stand-up comedy specials.

YouTube, everybody. When they're not censoring, it really does help you find something. Also, my special Jew is on there. Something to think about. Maybe go check that out. Brett also is going to be Mugis outside Baltimore on February 14th, 15th.

I guarantee you, like I said before, a good time. Dude, Australia is so fucking fun. I've had so many good times over the years there. Sure, I've gotten late. Sure, absolutely, I've gotten late. And I've made some sexual mistakes, too. Like I said, well, I don't want to say it. Did you spit on my vagina?

I sure did it. Why didn't like that? All right, I won't do it anymore. All right, then. Yeah, it's just a fucking blast, dude, from the Great Ocean Road to scallop pies on the Great Ocean Road, all the murals in Melbourne, the fucking women who wear bikini tops with jeans as if it's normal in Sydney, to the trash in Brisbane. Humans, I mean, Brisbane, Brisbogans, the most unique of all the white trashes.

to go into state of origin and watching the maroons dominate the evil blues. If you want a problem with colonization, it's the fucking blues, bro. Maroons or go fucking egg. Yeah, I've had great times there over the years. The comics lounge, the boys over there,

always gave me a fucking home there, and I fucking love it. Anyone who's in Melbourne, I've met some people out there on the road when I'm out here, like where you're from? Like, man, ma'am. And I go, oh, should go check out the comics lounge.

Tell Grant, I called you a homosexual derogatory slur, and he'll let you in for full price. Yeah, man, I've had to fucking blast. Perth. Been a fucking cool chick and Cook Island. Nothing happened. Just to talk to her on the Cook Mountains and stuff. Went to those big north of Perth. Went to the prison.

The haunted prison, that was fun. Ah, just a blast all the time. All the flat whites and the, um, the, Abe who smashes. Yeah, guys, it's the easiest accent in the world to do and I can't do it. You want to know why I've never been on Saturday, that's pretty much it right there. Uh, for myself, um, guys,

I've got a great month coming. Next week, guess what? I know, you guys have been asking for it since day one. Since, I mean, honestly, almost the first month of this podcast, you've been asking for a Japan episode. And it's coming next week. Che Doreena has taken us to the Jopans.

Really good episode. Yeah, today's episode was edited by Alan Caffey, produced by Your Mom's House Network. They help me keep me in business while I'm gone, you guys. I'm doing all this crazy stuff. They're always handling shit for me, so I can go get lost and do whatever. If you want to help support me in this cause, buy a T-shirt.

Go buy a U.B. Chippin'T.Shirt. Oh, and my friend Johness, Um, so names, my, my buddy's, uh, chick, uh, because she has jaundice. Um, she's been sticking her fucking the Ubi tripping stickers all over like I ask. Are you guys tagging? Put a sticker. She made a video of, of the, uh, the Royal Mile in Edinburgh, put a sticker on the, on the, on a, one of those things with a ton of stickers on it, and then backed up and then you see the Royal Mile. You see the castle right there. That's the kind of thing. You want to trap, you're on a tag. You be tripping pod. Not or not sure. I don't check that right now. You can subscribe, but I'm not check.

it until I'm home. But the U.B. Chippin' Pot is run by two devout boxmunchers, Caitlin and Heather. What they do is every day and all day, they try to get ideas by licking those ideas out of each other's boxes, vaginas, as you were. Sorry, try not to be offensive this week. They're vaginas. And they fucking get in and scoop. They do this thing. They scoop with their tongue. And they try to scoop ideas out. And they do. They get a lot of ideas. And if you tag the U.B. Chippin' Pod, they'll get a notification and they'll stop box punching for a short time in order to see your tag and fucking respond to it or repost it. Do you be chipping pod on Instagram?

That's all you want. Please subscribe wherever you're watching or listening and make your own way to Australia, you guys. Find your own dirty sluts that'll fuck you randomly after fucking barely even talking about a bar. I mean, I heard Australia has the lowest rate of belief in God in the world. 17%. That's what I heard. That's what I read once or heard someone who read it once a long time.

And this was like 20 years ago, but I still believe it. I'll quote it. Jamie looked that up. No, Joe, don't have Jamie look it up. How about just, it doesn't matter if it's true or not, bro. It doesn't fucking matter if it's true or not. It's just a fun story. Don't look it up if it's true.

Maybe it is, maybe it's not. My memory's not there, dude. Just let's run with the idea. 17% believe in God. And that explains why I got my dick sucks so many times while I was there. To Australia. The chick's there. You're wonderful.

And the dude's there. Thanks for fucking up so bad. they're willing to fuck a random who's just visiting their fucking country. I want to put Steve Irwin on the flag. I want to make Steve Irwin the national fucking bird of Australia. What do I got to do to make that happen? I want to do a lot of stuff for Australia. I want to give, I want to get that fucking, you know how koalas have herpes they say?

I want to get some. I want to get koala herpes and spread it to America, a specific new brand of herpes. And then Joe List would be like, when I had herpes, like, fuck off, dude, you don't have koala herpes? Yeah, uh, regular herpes. eat dicks. I don't know what else I was going to say. Anyway, happy 238 years since you fucking, what a weird celebration. 238 years old, Australia. I mean, it is kind of ridiculous. There were people there before. It's like, I mean, you got to just say like, no, we mean white people. We mean when whites came. White prisoners, by the way. I mean, the ingenuity of Australia.

You sent a bunch of prisoners there and said, if you work your ass off, many of you will die in prison. We have harsh fucking harsh life in prison. A lot of stabbings, a lot of fucking pestilence. Many of you listeners deal with pestilence. You should visit that prison in Perth. It was rough. I mean, I got scurby just fucking visiting at night. And if you did it five years, you can never go back to England, but you can live here.

And then those people, prisoners who almost die. in prison just trying to get through it for a fucking five or ten year sentence for fucking i don't know for fucking spitting near a horse of a nobleman or something fucking england number one colonizers by the way number one kudos to you england so then they came and they fucking dominated who heard of australian before the whites got there fucking nobody so yeah 238 years of australian whites that's what you're celebrating Aboriginals, you want to have a celebration? Oh, then make your own number.

They probably do, actually. But it's like infinity. How long were aboriginals there forever? It's not as fun. You want to be able to say I have an independence day. Japan, no independence day. They didn't free themselves from anybody. So, like, what are they going to say?

Iceland? No indigenous people. Never had to deal with it. So, you know, what do they got? Fucking nothing. You didn't dominate anybody, Iceland. All you did was fucking learn how to fucking milk lava for power. M.

U.S. They had a bunch of people there. They took our horses. They learned how to ride it. They learned how to fucking ride them on the side and shoot arrows. We gave them a fucking one-up, then defeated them. That's why we celebrate. 1776.

The year America was discovered. By who? America Vespucci. I'm Mory Shafir. That's it for today's episode. Please subscribe wherever you're watching. You're listening. legitimately. Go right now. You've already turned it off right now. Click subscribe. And then

there's also something else. I don't understand all the YouTube stuff. There's something else like subscribe and then also alert me kind of shit. Because I've got a great February and a great, I got a black person February. Oh, by the way, back up. Did not know Punky. Her episode was Martin Luther King Day. I would never have done that. That was a complete, complete chance. I know, I know, I know. There's not a lot. that get on this show. I get it. And the odds of me putting one on

on Martin Luther King Day, you're like, no way do I believe that. I would never do that. I would never do that. The gall I would have to have to put on Martin Luther King, one of the greatest men in the history of America

to put a woman on, I get why you would think that was a slap in the face. Martin Luther King and the ghost of you that haunts the fucking And I don't know. Tyler Perry movies everywhere.

I wouldn't do that to you. I would never put a woman on your day on purpose. Next year, I guarantee you MLK, Jr. Or is that his son? I don't know. I guarantee you this is going to be a man on because I know Martin was kidding, above all, sure, you stood for black rights and stuff.

You stood for male rights. And I support you. Keep on. That's it, everybody. Please subscribe wherever watching and listening. Tag the U.B. Chippin'pod. Go subscribe to them. Get a T-shirt.

Oh, yeah, that's what I'm going to say. Get a Ubi Chippin T-shirt. Get a Ubi Chippin sticker. Put him up, make a little video, tag the Ubi Chippin' pot. That'll make those box munchers happy. Let's get, let's just get done. If you live in Australia, I love you.

Hey, Nick Cody. Hey, buddy. I got to get you on the pot and, uh, yeah, I don't know. I miss it. Um, bye. All righty then. That's it. All right.

I don't know how to say goodbye in Australia. Let's go watch the footy. Whoa. Yeah. Oh, and then let's go watch the footy. Bye.