You Be Trippin' - Scotland w/ Steph Tolev | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: June 24, 2025

Go watch Steph's new special "Filth Queen" out now on Netflix! Follow Steph on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/stephtolev/ SPONSORS: -Get started at http://factormeals.com/TRIPPIN50OFF and use code TRIPPIN50OFF to get 50 percent off plus FREE shipping on your first box. -Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/trippin -Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/7chyhxwm #CashAppPod *Referral Reward Disclaimer: As a Cash App partner, I may earn a commission when you sign up for a Cash App account. On this week’s episode of You Be Trippin’, Steph Tolev takes Ari dancing through Scotland. She shares memories of her childhood Highland Dancing competitions—much to the frustration of her dedicated Dance Mom. Ari is blown away by Steph’s wild story of saving a woman’s life, thanks to her severe constipation. Back in the studio, the two rearrange the furniture so Steph can teach Ari a few dance moves. They also bond over their shared disdain for theater actors and porta-potty hookups. Tìoraidh an-dràsta! You Be Trippin' Ep. 72 https://www.instagram.com/arishaffir https://www.instagram.com/youbetrippinpod Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:02:08 - Steph Dances Through Scotland 00:21:13 - Steph Saves Someone's Life 00:34:25 - Steph and Ari Dance 00:39:59 - Theater People Suck 00:46:18 - Public Hook Ups 00:52:58 - Where to Next 00:57:37 - Scottish Food 01:02:25 - Steph's Travel Tip Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Whether it's a family member, friend or furry companion joining your summer road trip, enjoy the peace of mind that comes with Volvo's legendary safety. During Volvo Discover Days, enjoy limited time savings as you make plans to cruise through Muskoka or down Toronto's bustling streets. From now until June 30th, lease a 2025 Volvo XC60 from 1.74% and save up to $4,000. So I heard you have gay pride. I heard you've co-opted the whatever. Budweiser's back everybody. They're on board. Are they?

Yeah, with gay rights. But they're deciding they're just going to see which way it goes. Oh, what's that? No gay rights, but they're deciding they're just gonna see which way it goes. Oh, what's that? Have you ever tried to suck a dick I Tried to fuck a tranny once but I couldn't do it. Did you did it have a I couldn't get into the No, no ladyboy. Okay, it would have been still boy. Okay. Have you ever tried to eat a coach? Yeah, I have. You did it. Yeah, not well. It's hard. There's a lot going on down there.

I don't know. It's harder than you think. I don't know how the hell you guys do it. Yeah, there's multiple. Yeah. Bizarre. What do you think's easier? Well, sucking things is the easiest thing on the planet.

Are you kidding me? Of course it is. It's a sheath. You're putting a sheath in your mouth and sucking it. I'll tell you from a receiver end, there's different levels of who's good at it, but the bad ones are still pretty good. Yes. I will say bad, bad pussy eating is bad.

It's bad, right? The level of bad on that is like, stop, you're actually annoying. No, it is annoying. And then when you hear them breathing down there, like, like that, that is bad. I'm growling. You like growling? I'd rather growl. Yeah.

You definitely do that. Yeah. Ew. I try to get a sense of, you know, I'm overcome by this. Oh, God. Where you been and where you going? This is Ari's Travel Show, yeah. We're gonna talk about travel today.

It's UB Trippin, yeah. Hi everybody. Welcome to UB Trippin. It's a travel podcast. This is my announcer voice. We go to different places every week. That's pretty much the podcast. It's mostly comics and then some non comics.

Steph Tolove is on today. She's a wonderful standup comedian. She's allowed to be in almost every green room in America. Almost. There's one big one I'm not allowed in. You're allowed in. That's crazy. That was an oversight.

Oh, that's funny. Where are we going? We're going to Scotland. Nice. I love it. Have you been? Lost my virginity there. Did you? Nope.

Well, I'm going there. I have fucked there a lot. Have you been? Lost my virginity there. Did you? Nope. Well, I'm going there. I have fucked there a lot. Did you do that at Brofringe Fest? Yeah. Oh yeah, you must have got your fucking schnoz sucked right off over there. Dry.

The only dry thing in Scotland was my dick after that. Everything else was wet and prudy, but your dick was just dry as hell and just scathed up, flaking. How many years did you do it? I did it three times. I would have got another for pandemic and then a scheduled special before instead of after. So then it was like, yeah, but I'll go back.

You seem like someone who likes Scotland. A bucket hat, perfect for Scotland weather. Yeah, exactly. So that rain ran off the head. Why'd you go and when? I, okay, I used to competitively Highland dance, Scottish Highland dancing from the ages three to 18. I thought your mom went to the Highlands.

I didn't hear the message. My mother has been teaching Highland dancing since she was 19 years old. She dropped out of high school. She's Scottish? No. No, she's not. My old. She dropped out of high school. Is she Scottish? No. No, she's not. My grandmother. She's an Albo? She's Canadian, I don't know.

Albo? What's Albo? What's that? Is that derogatory for Albanian? No, no, no. What are you? I'm Bulgarian. Bulgarian, a Bulga? I was like, what is this?

A Bulga-ri? Let's get some new racism. Bulgies, I think she calls. Bulgies. Bulgies, Bulgos. You got a bulge in your pocket. That means like the Bulgarians moving in the neighborhood, time to move out. Yeah, yeah,gos. You got a bulge in your pocket. That means like the Bulgarians move it in the neighborhood, time to move out.

You got a bulge in your pocket. And they can say that about most of the women because we all look manly. So they can say that. A couple of bulgees over here. My grandmother saw somebody Highland dancing at a party when she was a kid and got in her head. And then she got my mother into it.

And then my mom liked it so much, she started teaching it. So my mother, so I'm like from a dance mom life, which if you know anything about is hell on earth. Hell on fucking earth. I had no life. I had practice every single night. I had come home from school. Just for Highland or all types? Highland dancing. Just Highland dancing. What? I mean you're no, at some point we're gonna have to do all types? Highland dancing, just Highland dancing. I mean, you know at some point we're gonna have to do a wide shot of you doing it. We have to watch Highland dancing. So if you're listening right now, picture kilts, picture the bank pipes.

Is that where you go like this with a log and you chuck it up? Yes, that's part of the Highland games. Which I should have fucking done that. You know how good I would have been at throwing that log over? You throw it over one time. My parents fucked up, there we go.

Highland dancing. What? So let me tell you right now, those kilts are fucking heavy as shit. Really? Those wool socks, oh my God, this outfit alone is heavy like eight pounds. What?

I swear to God. The matching wool and sock is wild. Yeah, so you would, the jackets you would wear if you were a good dancer. I should've worn this for my storytelling show. You should've worn it? Why, didn't you? I don't know, I didn't know about it. Yeah.

Steph? So you dance over swords, that's a main dance. Over the swords? Yeah, so there's a sword, you put a sword on the ground, it's not sharp, and you dance over it, and if you touch the sword, if your foot even whispers it, you get disqualified. Killed, oh.

Yeah, you get off stage, they slit your throat. You get disqualified if you touch the sword. Yeah, so they're usually, in every competition, there's four dances, fling, sword, chantrous, and reel. Slow down, what? So, there's competition, there's four dances. Fling, sword, chantrous and reel. Slow down. What? So there's like, there's different- Sling, chartrous.

Sling, highland fling, sword dance, chantrous and the highland reel. So those are like the main four dances you would do every single weekend. You're in your age group. Is this just chicks? No, there's some guys, there's a guy right there. There's a guy in the photo right above there.

Homosexual. I will say majority are. Yeah. But there was a couple in there and they were getting their butts fingered because I'll tell you what, the girls, there's only a few men. I had a crush on a guy.

Morgan, I called him, what's his last name? Morgan McKenzie. Blonde tips. Morgan, if you're listening. You can still get it. You can still get it. You can still get it. You missed it. I was so ugly, I had a unibrow.

Um, I had a unibrow on this nose. I was hideous and I was not built like a dancer. Like all these dances, look at them, they're all small framed, little feet. I have, look at this, nine and a half fuckers. Big shoulders. This would be a good fighting technique as well. It is.

Yeah. I think that was all based off like, you know, actual highlight. I don't know what that is. I don't know. It's like, no, it's this. It's the fingers. It's the middle finger and the thumb.

Oh. Oh yeah. You're good. Yeah. Up and then high. Yes. You're going to have to do this later. Oh God.

One hand on the fist like this. Okay. Okay. Um, and you go every year to compete? So, yeah. So every year in Scotland, they have the biggest highland aging championships in the world called the Cowl Highland Games.

So there's like, that's where they have like- The Highlands? Yes, so that's where they have the Cabor Taws and they have like other, they have pipe band competitions. I also played the bank pipes for a year. I was really bad though. I like- Yeah, hurry space.

My mom wanted me to, because at the competitions, a live piper plays. So my mom was cheap as fuck. They ran competitions. So she wanted me to play the bagpipes. And then I thought my teacher was a pervert because you just play on the chanter and he would just stare at my tits.

I was like 14. I was like, he's looking at my boobs as pig. So I'd wear like three sweaters. I'd be soaked trying to play. I was so bad. Did anyone mistake one of those like long, the read things that you have to play for bagpipes for your nose?

Very similar, yeah. That's what I play. Okay. Yeah. It's so rarely where I get to make a nose joke at someone. I know, I was like, coming from fucking nose. I get it now, everybody else. I get it now.

It is fun. This is the only podcast I felt safe on, and I immediately come on and I'm getting a nose joke. You piece of shit. So yeah, I started, you start young, I started when I was three years old. Three years fucking old I was Highland dancing. And you went to the Highlands every year.

Yes, so every year we'd go to Scotland. Outside a castle like that? No, it was in Cowell. Okay, Highland's rule, like the landscape and shit. The landscape's cool, yes. I was like, the dancing is, it's fine, it's whatever. How'd you do in the dance? Not good, look at my body!

What are you talking about? I was not built to be doing this. Yeah, these are all the very light, petite women. They're very small, light, nimble girls, little feet, and then me, schlopping around. Actually, that might be, wait, click on that left photo with the cowl gathering, that one, yeah, that's be, wait, click on that left photo with the cowl gathering, that one, yeah.

That's my mom's student to the left. She won, but she fucking, she left my mom right when she got there. It's fucking drama. That girl's mom was a fucking bitch. She right there, my mom taught her for fucking 15 years. They got to this huge competition. She fucking left my mom, literally,

that's her on the left. I'm not gonna say her name bitch, but your mom is a piece of shit. Literally, my mom trained her from the time she was a kid. My mom flies to Scotland for her to win this fucking competition, and she fucking fires her the day my mom gets there. You know how crazy that is?

And the crazy, that girl right there. And you know what the craziest thing, my mom has the best Thailand dance in the world. She's won consecutively 15 years this competition straight. Every age group, which nobody else has done. She's still won though. She's still won. But she was trained by her mom.

She was trained by her mom. Yeah, right, right, right. Wasn't like someone else got her. Yeah, no, she got there and some fat pig who's balding took over training her. And I was like, well, she didn't do anything. An agent, look at that unibrow in the middle, that lady. But look how thin they are.

They're thin, look how pointed their toes are. Yeah, the one in the middle looks tough. Yeah, she looks like she doesn't take no guff. I think that girl's Scottish. You can tell the Scots look very harsh. Which one, the one in the middle? Yeah. Yeah, they look harsh, Viking-like and pale.

Oh, very pale. Such a pale group of women. Well, there's no sun out there. The fact that the sun was out right there. I saw my first dick and balls at one of these Highland Games. Yeah, a man in a kiln above my head. Shaking it around. There's no, they don't wear underwear.

That's real. But shaking it around. Like, I looked up, me and my friend, my friend was underneath and she goes, she goes, look. I'm like, what? And I looked up and he was like. Oh, he was like really giving it to you.

Oh, yeah, he gave it to us. I was like eight. It was crazy. That's was like, hehehe. Oh he was like really giving it to you. Oh yeah, he gave it to us. I was like eight. It was crazy. That's too young for us. It was way too young to be bald. I'll never do that, but not an eight year old. Maybe a teenage. 13, at least 14, that's what I'm saying.

What are you gonna ask for her ID, Crystalia? Hey before I swing my dick and balls around here, can I see your ID? You're too old enough to do this. But also again, nobody. But if it has to be someone, not an eight year old. Double digits, bro. Not an eight year old.

Yeah, double digits. It was, and he was laughing his head off. He thought it was so funny. We were like, this is demented behavior. Kind of out of line. So this competition is crazy. So all these dancers go, and the day before, you have to do something to compete

to get into the big world championships. So I never even did the world championships because I was not good. So you had to come top, I didn't qualify. You had to come top six at least in one dance. Nothing, I'm dog shit. You go all the way to Skyline, don't qualify? My mom is the dancer who was really good.

Oh, so she's like, hey, if I'm gonna fly out here, you're gonna bagpipe this shit. And then I didn't even do that. I ended up finding a dog one year. I rescued this dog and they couldn't find me and they looked in the middle of the field and I was carrying this disgusting wet dog and it stunk so bad.

I'm gonna get so pissed. I would just, I literally. You're not like white people. Oh yeah, I was very, I was a very white person thing. Guys, quick break to tell you about today's guest, Stef Toloff, she is a fucking hilarious standup comedian. Legitimately. I remember when she came to New York from London, Ontario, maybe

Toronto, probably Toronto, but it was like who's this? She was just great from the start. She was a...so okay, so there's some comics. By the way, she has a new special out right now called Filth Queen on Netflix. Everybody go watch it. There's... here's what...let me give you a little insight into the comedy world. Comedians sometimes, you know how they say in MMA, matchups make fights or something like that? I don't know what they say.

That happens with comedy too, and there's certain comics that are hard to follow. And comics don't like to struggle, we just don't. We're always trying to kill, even when we're doing a material. And there's a few comics that you do struggle with. So comics invent a reason why they had trouble like oh, they're just famous So they all like that person or not me when we're actuality plenty people follow famous people quite well

I saw Steve Simone get a standing ovation after After Louis CK. It's like 2015 2016 at his height and Steve Simone went on after him as a nobody and got a standing o and that so don't tell me It's cuz someone's famous, but they do that to comics and then you have to tell them like no no They were crushing well before they were famous for him Anwar Shane Gillis people are all Shane's famous. She did Shane was crushing on a level you couldn't comprehend Before he was known at all. So don't give me that bullshit. And Stef Tolive is that too. She destroys. And hopefully soon and thankfully soon we get an excuse now. It's gonna be, oh of course I couldn't

follow Stef Tolive before and nobody really knew her. It's just on me. But now now that she has a Netflix special Filth Queen streaming today Now we have an excuse Thank you Netflix for making mid-level comedians like me able to sleep with ourselves for not being able to follow Steph before this It was really damaging. Oh, do you want to go before me? Oh, no steps on I don't know who's on step Oh, is this stuff? Yeah, you wanna go on for me? I can go one after Those days will be gone. Thanks to Netflix and their partnership with Steph told her she's great She's hilarious. Also, I just saw Steph. I just saw you on fucking tires. You were fucking killer

She's also gonna be in the road. You can get tickets at Steph told of comm or Or this place punch up dot live Steph told up starting in August Bakersfield Brea San Francisco, Philadelphia Starting in August, Bakersfield, Brea, San Francisco, Philadelphia. Punchline, the worst of the two rooms. Detroit, Minneapolis, Sacramento, Austin, Balmore. Nice, Port Comedy Club, I never heard of that.

Winnipeg, rumors, I love that place. Calgary, yeah, you're Canadian. Charlotte, Charlotte, Charlotte, Chicago, Rosem that place Calgary. Oh, yeah, you're Canadian Charlotte Charlotte Charlotte Chicago Rosemont Chicago again and Toronto at Danforth musical on December 19th and Montreal But her homecoming at December 19th will be big get tickets right now for Steph Tola before you cannot see her these clubs anymore She's gonna be a theater act in no time with massive ticket master Surcharges that you'll complain about and stuff will complain about and no one will do anything against because Pearl Jam went against them it couldn't do shit so how can we guys if you're liking today's

episode please subscribe and hit that Bell thing too if you've already subscribed so you get notified of new episodes this one is hilarious and great really reminded me of fucking Edmonton I mean Edinburgh and then just the north that one trip I took this is all wrap-up stuff but subscribe wherever you're listening there is also a new playlist that goes along by country so look for that on YouTube so if you're looking to go to a country see if we've covered it maybe it'll help you in your vacation your travel plans yourself I am going to be at. Last show. The last show I have. Charlestown, West Virginia on July 12th. Get tickets at REShopper.com. One show only. And then I'm off the road until 2027. Must be

nice. New stickers are available right down below if you're watching on YouTube. You be tripping stickers also. You be tripping t-shirts. The pre-sales at least hopefully are there by now. I'm off in Anchorage, Alaska so I record this ahead of time. Let's get back to the episode. Congratulations to Steph Tolop on a fucking, finally getting the recognition you deserve. It does make me happy as a comedian when worthy and deserving comedians get ahead and this is one

It's a win for all commerce go check out filth Queen right now on Netflix Just started if you don't have time to start it and then you can stop it or just let it run while you go to Work, and then it'll remind you is either say watch again or Get back to Tip for me to you. Let's get back to the episode. Also wait before we get back to the episode I want to tell you really quickly shroom fest is coming everybody. It's this year in September Six seventh and eighth if you don't know what shroom fest is, it's an international holiday On another plane of existence to celebrate what God gave us mushrooms

All you got to do to participate is wherever you are what God gave us, mushrooms. All you gotta do to participate is wherever you are, take mushrooms. September 6th, 7th, and 8th this year, moves around with the longest day of weekend moonlight in the summertime months in the northern hemisphere. And this year, it's September 6th, 7th, and 8th. It's a Saturday, Sunday, Monday.

Always make sure to celebrate. Start looking for your supplies now. Shroomfest everybody! Come celebrate with me. I don't know where I'll be, I don't know where you'll be, but let's meet up on another fucking plane of existence. Shroomfest, September 6th, 7th, and 8th. Be there, honestly, just participate.

I'm sure you've done it in the past. Be there, it's Shroomfest. I didn't invent it. Mushrooms told me to invent it and give it to you guys. So they invented it, and I'm just telling you. Shroomfest, see you out there. My biggest story that I would do, my mom got so mad, so it was the qualifications for the Worlds.

And um. Your video of you dancing? I might have something. I might have something. It's deep on the phone, but I could find it. Yeah, find it. Okay. Okay.

Um. Yeah, yeah. This dance, the sword was the only dance that I usually would place in, cause I didn't touch it, cause I didn't care. And I would just, like, everyone else would be so nervous and I didn't give a fuck, so I'd just dance over it. So they called my group up

and I just ordered this baked potato. And it was like, have you ever had a jack of potatoes in Scotland? A what? Jack of potatoes? A jack of potatoes. So it's like coleslaw, beans, butter, chives. Oh, Taddy's a mash. I just ordered and I sat down,

I was like, my fucking potato's here. I started eating it and they called my group up and I'm like, well, I don't wanna go. My mom was like, get out ordered and I sat down, I was like, my fucking potato's here. I started eating it and they called my group off and I'm like, well, I don't wanna go. My mom was like, get out there, do the fucking dance. And I was like, I wanna hit the sword. She said, no you're not, I go, watch this. So I walk up, the whole group's lining up, warming up and I'm like, my potato's ready,

so I'm gonna hit the sword so I can go up and get it. They're like, no you won't, I wanna go watch this. No one believed me, this is a big deal for everybody. So the first step, I did the best first step you ever seen. I get in the second step, I hit the sword, I go. You do a big bow, I fix the sword, I'm like, sorry. Ran right up, ate my potato. My mom was so fucking pissed off at me.

It was the one you're good at. I know, but I was like, my potato's getting cold. And I was very upset. I see both sides. I was like, fuck this. So, okay, so here's the thing. The potato was getting cold. It was getting cold.

It's not as good as a fresh potato. You need it freshly and you open it up and that steam that puffs out. Mom, just move me back in the order. Or don't let me order a potato right before I'm about to go up. Don't make me dance. I'm not good.

Why are you eating potato right before you dance? That's not the right pre-dance meal. Like picture if you were, okay, picture if you're, picture Jerry Seinfeld yeah yeah does stand up pictures some of the worst stand-up you've seen in your life okay very easy that's that that's my mother that was what I was for her teaching so she had the best student in the world and I get up there with my large fucking shoulders and schlop around it wasn't great this nose too

nobody knows what the hell is this? That's absurd. That's gonna hit the floor. Oh my God, this is so embarrassing. I think I scraped these pictures on the internet. But one year I got those braids done, you know, those like black girl braids. Oh yeah. And I had to put, you had to put in a bun. Do you know how psychotic I looked? I had this fucking bun that was my whole

head. And there's one dance called, if you look up the sailor's hornpipe, you have to wear a hat. I love how this could easily be made up. Go sailor's hornpipe. There it is, sailor's hornpipe. It came up, it was, there it is. You have to wear this hat. So my hat couldn't even get around my head

because my fucking braids were so big. It was like hovering. The elastic was like holding on for dear life and my hat was like hovering over my head. And you gotta, oh man. Your jump, so the thing is with Highland, anybody ever compliments my legs? These are Highland dancing legs.

I've been jumping up and down. Look at that line. That's the Highland line. That's fucking rock solid. One leg straight out, one leg straight down. I've been jumping up and down my entire life. This is all I do. And you hop on one leg and you're fucking sweating

your balls off out there. It's hot as hell. Yeah, it's hot. You're hot, you're kicking, you're licking. Bugs are annoying some places, because you're in the woods. You're outside, you're in the fucking highlands. Those bingies, bingies, chiggers, what are they called?

You just want to say racist word. You're just chopping out the bit here to say something. Bidgers, something like that. They weren't as bad as you'd think. There's also, there's like some sheep and dogs mucking around so they'd go to them. There's some egg sect out there some sheep and dogs mucking around so they'd go to them. There's some egg sect out there that fucking burrows into your skin.

It bites the shit out of you and like keeps clawing at you, these big. What the hell is that? Like something with a C-H. They're called chiggers. What is it? Chiggers. Chiggers, yeah. I think you're moving around too much, so they're not burrowing. But this is like, so I will say, this is huge all across the world.

So like mostly North America, so I will say this is huge all across the world. So like mostly North America. So in Canada, every weekend I had a dance competition. Scottish dancing. Scott, I guarantee you right now, it's June 3rd, I guarantee you there's a Highland dancing competition this weekend in or around the Austin area. Guarantee. It's like a weird, small, it's like, it's small, but it's a big, it's a big community of people.

Lot of people do it, and also my mom's like pretty famous in the Highland world. As a teacher. As a teacher, everybody knows her. Does she like, does she rule with like an iron fist? Yeah, she's, and she's very sassy, and she's like, she's like me, but like, same mullet. She actually does it the same, hairs me, but it's straight.

So anyway, so we used to go and do these competitions. Yeah. So we traveled a lot. I mean, that part's cool. That part's cool. I can't shit publicly. So all this bouncing around. What do you mean?

When I was a kid, I would be bunked up for weeks. Weeks on end. Like I'm talking at one point, we were at a Highland Dates competition in Nova Scotia, and all of a sudden they collapsed. The new fee. New fee. I fell over. I'm like, wait, wait, wait. Something's going on. Wait, wait.

What do you mean? When you say you can't shit publicly, I meant on these dancing trips, a piece of shit will not leave my asshole. I could do it in the hotel room. Can do in the hotel room. What do you mean? That's not public. I couldn't do it. I would say my grandma's there. She knows you're happy. My dad's yelling. Well, share hotel room with hell. How did you normally poop? I quiet sometimes in the dark

turn the lights off. It'd be a little dark pooper. All night pooper. Can we get Dr. Drew back in here and talk this out? I'm better now. It's still not great, but I'm better now. I used to hold it. Yeah, I'd hold it. It was like, I don't want it. And then it became such a ball that it would be so hard to get it out. Yes. Because it was so crushing. This is exactly what I would do. And it would take me so, you would think because we're eating healthy, we're jumping around. Yeah. So we would go on these trips.

So this, it started in Nova Scotia. I fell over. Weeks? Week was the longest I went, 11 days. So I fell over, no, Newfoundland. I fell over this. Did you ever have to reach in and try to pull some out? Almost, it was close. I used a spoon once.

It was just, okay. Why you guys like, you need, Dr. Drew, you need them. I'm relating. A spoon. Yeah, I was like so crunched up and like hard when you pushed out, I was like, it's fucking to try to like get some like out. You did this yourself?

Yeah. You can't really tell anybody. Hey, I held the poop so long that it's too big for the whole. What was your longest? I think a week. A week? I think I poop so long that it's too big for the hole. What was your longest? I think a week. A week? I think I poop about every week. Definitely.

Yeah, and as a kid your butthole's smaller and it's not as loose, it hasn't been beaten up. You haven't got touched by a ladyboy like you almost did. So it hasn't been pounded yet. I was gonna fuck, I wasn't gonna get fucked. Oh, you were gonna fuck? Yeah. Oh, okay, I don't know't want my pictures the way around.

It's good we really honestly let's make notes for Dr. Drew for later. So I was at this competition I fell over I'm like something's wrong I thought my appendix burst so they wheel me out so embarrassing I was like oh my god Joy's daughter Joy's daughter it's a big mistake she's oh my god she's gonna be she's gonna be fucked she's in the hospital they take me to hospital they rush me my mom and dad are there. The doctor comes in and he goes, okay. So we did some x-rays. When's the last time you took a bowel movement? And I was like, what?

And he's like, when's the last time you pooped? And I was like, I don't even remember. And he's like, yeah. My parents were so mad. They were like, we have to go back now. Everyone's gonna eat fucking shit for a week. Because they were like embarrassed. I got wheeled out in a wheelchair because I had to go cock-a everyone's gonna eat fucking shit for a week. Because they were like embarrassed. I got wheeled out in a wheelchair

because I had to go kaka. That's so psychotic. So I like go back. It was embarrassing. So yeah, very embarrassing. So this is where my story comes in. Okay. So we would travel all through the highlands.

I remember we'd rent a car, we would drive to see like the Stirling Castle all through the fucking Scottish mountains, all these places we drive I Came rose one castle we went to but we there's a little Gift shop and I remember I just shit so bad. I was like fuck so I just sit down So whenever I got this urge to shit that I had to shit I should just shit But instead I would sit the fuck down. So we're in this public

Gift shop and there's this little trinket thing. This is a glass case and all these little tiny trinkets. And I'm like, okay, I'm gonna sit here and just play with these. I was probably 11 years old. So I sit down cross-legged and I'm looking at this stuff and all of a sudden I hear this fucking bang. The loudest bang I've heard my entire fucking life. I'm like, I feel this immense pressure.

And I'm like, I thought a bomb had gone off in the store. People are screaming, people are crying. I open my eyes and I'm like, I can't breathe. There's dust everywhere. And I'm like, I can't breathe. There's dust everywhere. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? I look up, this woman is lying on my body. Like a whole woman is on top of me. And I'm like, oh my God, oh my God, what the fuck?

So I like shimmy off. I go to find my mom, I'm bawling my eyes out, I'm like, oh my God, this woman. And they're like, what the fuck? She had fallen through the ceiling. She was doing like an inventory. It was like a 12 foot ceiling. She stepped on the wrong thing, fell,

just missed this glass case, and landed on my huge child body, and I saved her fucking life. I saved her fucking life. Because you softened the blow? I softened the blow, and her head, I patted her head on my fucking body. Like her head was like here in my chest.

So I got. If not for your boobs, she would have been dead? If not for my Bulgarian sternum, this woman would be dead. If it's not for my can't go publicly shit, I say, so the ambulance came over, they took her out and they were like, she's unscathed. She doesn't have a bruise, she's gonna be fine.

They took her in for testing anyways. Her, me, notcathed. She doesn't have a bruise, she's gonna be fine. They took her in for testing anyways. Her, me, not a bump, not a scratch, not a bruise. They gave me this little good luck charm, this little horseshoe, like here you go, thank you for saving her life. And I'm like, if she had hit that fucking glass cabinet, if she had been dead. Dead, right on you, bleeding all over you.

Dead, bleeding all over me. It would have been hell. I would have been probably also severely hurt because I would have been, the glass would have gone to me too. Yeah. So guess what? My moral of the story is, no, I saved my fucking life.

Wait, wait, so she just walked away? She walked away, they took her to the thing but she was fine, the ambulance came and everybody was like, what the fuck just happened? I wish there was security cameras in that because that would have been the best video I've ever had. Yeah, just you there, boom, crushing a child. Because I had no idea what was happening,

my body went limp, so that's how I saved her fall by me just being like, ugh. And I didn't even shit. I can't believe I didn't shit. That didn't even get me to shit. That's how tight my asshole was, that a fucking, she was like, hey, I'll tell you what went she wasn't a small lady.

Like this was not a tiny little highland dancer that fell on me. This was a Bulgarian woman that fell on top of my body. Big gal. It was so crazy. And the whole rest of the weekend, my mom came in like, should we check you? The literally they did like an exam with me. There's a good hospital guy there or whatever nurse that looked me. He's like, he raves fine. I'm like, no, I'm fine. Nothing wrong with me.

Insane. That's crazy. All because I shouldn't share. You should still be in touch with that lady. I know, what the heck? I should have somehow contacted her and been like, what the heck? I know somebody who got a kidney

from somebody in his community. And then now he's like, every time he sees him, he's like, do I gotta say thank you every time? Like, it's so weird. It's like. I wouldn't wanna know. I wouldn't wanna know. No, no, you get, if you get someone's insides, keep that. Yeah, but like,

please don't tell them, yeah. No, I wouldn't wanna know. Hey guys, today's episode of UB Trippin' is brought to you by Factor Meals. Guys, I use them and they're great. It's so easy to make food late night for me. Listen, you're coming home. If you don't live in New York, there's no place to eat.

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Level meal. I'm not joking plus they got all those Juices smoothies and stuff. I really like them to be honest. I'm not joking. Plus they got all those juices, smoothies and stuff. I really like them. To be honest, I really like them. Get started at factormeals.com slash trippin50off and use code trippin50off to get 50% off plus free shipping in your first box. That's code T-R-I-P-P-I-N, the number five zero O-F-F,

at factormeals.com slash trippin 50 off for 50% off plus free shipping factor meals dot com slash trippin 50 off that's a real one go get it hi everybody today's episode of you be trippin is brought to you by Shopify.com guys I use Shopify on my own website our shipper.com that's not a lie go to my website I've been using since long before they were a sponsor. They helped me set up my online platform to sell straight to my customers really, really easily.

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They can help you sell whatever. That should be their log line. We'll help you sell whatever. Listen, some people have dumb ideas, some people have great ones, and Shopify doesn't care. They're gonna help you sell it. And it doesn't mean dumb ideas, some people have great ones and Shopify doesn't care. They're going to help you sell it and doesn't mean dumb ideas don't get ahead. They do. When Netflix started, they were a direct competitor to Blockbuster and everyone was like, don't do that. Not the best example because they weren't on Shopify,

but I am. Turn your big business idea into with Shopify on your side. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com slash trippin. Go to Shopify.com slash trippin. Shopify.com slash trippin. So, okay, that's so funny. Do you go back now ever? No. Would you go to the Fringe?

I did the Fringe a couple of years, 2012. It was a long time ago. It was a long time ago, it was too much. It was exhausting. Me and my sketch partner did it. It's just too much shrinking. I was doing standup and sketch and I kept trying to get us into every show

and I signed us up for this double-decker school bus thinking it was a funny, fun show. We show up and they're like, okay, you ready for the kids show? We're like, sorry? They're like, oh yeah, the five-year-olds are upstairs. I'm like, five-year-olds? At the time, me and they're like, okay, you ready for the kids show? We're like, sorry? They're like, oh yeah, the five year olds are upstairs. I'm like, five year olds? At the time, me and my friend Allison,

when we were called Lady Stash, our closing bit was this huge dildo and we had these puppets and we would jerk off the dildo and I was like, what? We had to go into this stuff. We heard puppets. We had puppets and we had to like, we sang camp songs to these kids.

What? We couldn't do our jokes, it was crazy. That's Bob, that's Bob Slayer, he's my promoter. He has the bus. Bob fucked us, I didn't know. It's the blunderbuss. It's Bob. Yeah, it's Bob.

I had no fucking clue. I did comedy for fucking three to five years. He used to be a tour manager for a, what's criminals, fuck you like an animal, I wanna fuck you, no, I don't know. Night of snails? No, no, no, I'm thinking, nothing but that. Oh, nothing but, oh, bloodhound gang.

Yeah, he used to be tour manager with them and then he has his blood to bust and he got you and wouldn't tell, which makes sense because he was drunk all the time. He ruled. I would not have said yes to that. Oh, yeah. Three year olds?

What are you fucking talking about? You're jerking off a fucking puppet in front of them? Jesus Christ. They loved us though, they really did. I bet. Everyone else probably caters to their level. Did you get to see the Highland games too when you were there? Yeah, oh yeah, because you're in the stands.

So you're just kind of watching it all. So the dancing stage is here, they have a track around, people are doing like some running races. Then there's like all these tents, then all the pipe bands come in. The back pipe bands? Yeah, so it's pipes, drums, all the pipe bands come in. What, the back pipe bands? Yeah, so it's pipes, drums, like everything, they come in and they compete.

So pipers compete individually and then the bands compete and people go by and they watch them. It's a whole thing. Wow, that seems cool. The dancing I could care less about. The dancing and also the amount of fucking perverted dads. I gotta see a picture of you dancing too. Jesus Christ.

The what? The amount of perverted dads. That's when I started hating men, when I was literally a young, because first of all, no one looked at me. Wonder why. You missed out on this, my little nipples that I thought I had cancer with for three years

when nipples were growing in. You're one of those fish that if you look straight, it's a tiny fish and then it goes. Yeah. Really, how many more of these? I actually can't believe you're doing this. I get it, it's so fun. Isn't it, what?

It's so mean. Because you change publicly. Like Highland Dancers, if you're a pervert, I can't believe Dele wasn't there. Two Dele jokes, one podcast. I can't believe he wasn't there because the girls would get off stage, take off their jackets, and they'd just have a bra on.

So it's all these pre-teens running around in a bra, and I remember just watching some dads help their daughters, and I just see them looking at other ones,'s all these like preteens running around bra, and I remember just watching some dads like help their daughters and I just see them looking at them and I was like, this is disgusting behavior. I'm sick. So gross. It's so weird though if you're like, why'd you like boops, oops wrong set, wrong look.

Yeah, it was like so, ugh. My dad, so my mom still does highland dancing stuff. My dad now announces at the competitions in Toronto. Really? Oh yeah. Oh the whole thing. Wait is there Scottish dancing here in Austin? There has to be. There's well there's Kaley dance that's different. Several Highland Games, Califest schedules. Yeah for 2025 look at this San Antonio Highland Games. Yeah. It's already passed. Okay well what's that one? Oh yeah that's it. Wow. Oh you mean you got to compete in one of these. November come back. I was trying,

I was thinking of doing, like writing a movie about this because it's so, like I will fair out to people where I like come back and like try to do it. It would kill me. Well you'd already have. It's so hard to do. But you'd already have, you know how like, there's a video of like, hey here's every actor

trying to do sports. And it's like, hey man, and they all throw left handed. It's like, I don't know, dad's trying to force me into it. They don't know how to throw, because they've trained in like, in like throwing and they all throw left-handed. It's like, I don't know, dad's trying to force me into it. They don't know how to throw, because they've trained in like, in like throwing for like a week. You would look like you know what you're doing. I do know what I'm doing.

I know every, I right now could technically do every single Highland dance. There's probably 15, 20 inches. I, I can't, oh God. No. What, can I teach it to you then? Yeah. Well then I'm teaching it to you. No. I understand. What can I teach it to you then? Yeah. Then I'm teaching it to you.

Okay. Because I'm not doing it by myself. Okay. I'll teach you the first step of the Highland Fleet. Okay. Okay. This is. Okay, I'll, there we go.

You can't have the chair there. You just did this, like, you need the room here. We need to, this is really happening here just did this. You need the room here. This is really happening here. Let's see what we got. I'll teach you the easiest part. OK. Is there a head's cut off?

Go ahead. You need your hands. Oh, I'm learning. OK, so you're in first position. Heels together. Heels together. Heels together. Heels together, first position. Fists, I think my voice carries.

Your voice carries, yeah. Fists here on your hips. Okay. Okay, so you're gonna stand for five seconds. One, two, three, four, four. Bow, two. Wait, why are your legs so, why aren't they wide like mine?

Because I'm a dancer. I don't know what's wrong with you. There we go, yeah are your legs so, why aren't they wide like mine? Because I'm a dancer. I don't know what's wrong with you. There we go. Your calves must be together. Stand for four. One, two, three, four. Bow, two, three, four. Okay.

Ow, on the bow. That already hurt, yeah. Great shape. Okay, so now it's gonna get hard. Okay. So the first move, you're gonna hop point to the right, but this arm has to hop at the same time. Ready? Hop point. Same foot. Hop back. Hop front. Hop back.

Now the other side. Hop point. So hop point. Hop back, hop front, hop back. One more time on the right, hop point. Point to the ground, hop back, hop front, hop back. And now back to the left side, we're gonna do the turn. Hop point, hop back, hop front, hop back. It's crazy. You're the best I've ever seen. That is the first half of the first step of a six step fling.

Picture how much fucking jumping that is. Try it together. OK, ready for the bow. So bow two, three, four, up two, three, four, a point, a back, a point, a back, a point. Other side, this leg left, back, front, back, right. Oh god, fuck that. Well, we tried. Oh my god.

It's exhausting, see, we're tired. It's so much hopping. I fucking know. Too much hopping. It's all hopping, is what I'm saying. Should be in blink 182. Mark Hoppus. Mark Hoppus over here. There we go.

Good reference. Do you need to glow back in? Oh my God. That's crazy. Yes, it is. Would you ever just get winded and be like, nah, I'm out? I will, I was. I was not built like it is.

So I'd be tired all the time. And my mom made me teach it. So I taught her how to dance. And this is all taken away from your potato time. See, that's why now I needed the carbs. Yeah, right, right. I'm out of breath from that, it's crazy. Yeah, it's a little bit difficult.

And that is literally, picture that with the fucking kilt, the jacket, and the jackets are not, they're not loose. It's a fucking velvet and your arm can barely get up and then down, that's it. And that's just from the Highlands. That's not like lower Scotland dancing. Which is different. Which is all the inline like.

I think it's all the same. Really? No, they have the Kayleys. They have like Kayleigh dancing and they have Scottish country dancing, but that's so easy. My grandma did that. Scottish country dancing is just like

old women just doing like this. Like hop one, hop two, and then they just take a class by themselves. Then you do a thing and you pass the Weeping Willow. Or the whatever. Oh, Weeping, you know Weeping Willow? Yeah. I've been trying to get a Kaylee going Kaylee's fucking rule I I did I found one in Toronto once I went it was the most part of her have me in New York

They have definitely in Scotland. Do you have them in New York? Yeah words once in a while. They'll call it And there's like low-level ones. Oh my god The advance ones are like you'll fuck it up by being there the mid-level and low-level ones is like There's still some really good people but they'll go. Let by being there. The mid-level and low-level ones is like, there's still some really good people, but they'll go, let me show you step by step. And now go. Yes, they go through your first, yeah, okay. And they have a live band, right?

Yeah. And you think when you see it, like, I'm not gonna be able to get this. And then within three minutes, like, I could've joined in on this one. Yes. Strip the Willow's the best one where you're lined up on both sides,

and you twist your partner, then you twist, then you twist your partner. You twirl, it's fucked, it's so fucked. And you get so out of breath, you're like, oh, you're like, oh, oh, oh, oh. You gotta go all the way around, you miss your partner, and then you come back you twist partner. You twirl, it's fucked, it's so fun. You get so out of breath, you're like, oh, you're like, oh, oh, oh, oh. You gotta go all the way around, you miss your partner, and then some of you come back to get them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's so fun.

Hands in the middle. Yeah, so Kalees we would do like after the dance competitions. Just for fun. Yeah, like the bars we have for the stuff, yeah. Wow. I know, the chair's a little wack, here we go. Ha, it's fucking exhausting.

Yeah, how would the fucking, these guys, were they like the buff? Were they like the ones you're trying to bone? Or you were too young? No, no, also I never fucked anybody on the dancing. I know, what the heck? You were too young. I was 18.

Were there, yeah I guess at 17 you could've. So I mean, yeah, yeah, what the heck? Were there like adult sections of this? Yeah, the oldest group was, I mean whatever, I think it's like 18 plus. Yeah. And there's still some girls who are doing it that I did it with.

They're like 40. I'm like, get a life. What are you? Competitively. Still doing it. 40 years old, get a hobby, get a fucking career. Yeah. Like I get it when people like teach it,

cause you can, you, my mom teaches it. She's an examiner. She does workshops. Yeah. So there's a whole people like teach it, cause you can, my mom teaches it, she's an examiner, she does workshops, so there's a whole thing to do, but I don't know, just dancing, you better have a side job. It's like those people do community theater, I'm like dude, your acting didn't work out, stop. Unless you're an old lady. Any kind of theater like that really irks me.

Really, stop. I don't know, my boyfriend did a play this past winter, Million Dollar Quartet Christmas to be specific, and I just, I can't hang out with these theater people. They suck. They are so, oh God. Listen, all actors suck, theater people are the worst of them.

There's so much singing loud and skipping. And they're silly all the time. Adults are skipping. What are we doing here? I went to a party, as a director to this party, and it was like one of the worst nights of my life. I had to watch every single person in the cast would have been saying this ballad

in the middle of the party. We're like eating pizza and talking, and the director's like, everybody to the room at once, Jefferson, play the piano. And then made my boyfriend play the piano. And I'm like, why did I say BDD tonight? I was so sober watching everyone sing ballads, crazy. Why weren't you boozing?

Because I offered to be the Dee Dee and then the director's wife tried to get me to do a set. Oh no. In the middle of the room, she goes, get up there, just do it for us. For who? Suck my ass. I'm not doing this.

Can you imagine? Standing there, talking to my fucking lady in front of all these people, just like, mm-mm-mm. What the fuck in the hell you doing? I love when people are like, just go to your standup, like, hey, a lot of our standup is not built for this situation.

It ain't gonna be me. There's maybe someone who could do well, it ain't gonna be you. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not, you need somebody who's a nice, it ain't gonna be you. It ain't gonna be me. No, no, no, no, no, I'm not. You need somebody who's a nice clean comic with a small nose. Now I have to get on the nose jokes. What the hell, I left out for fuck's sakes.

It's like a double bulge. Wow, can you look in the fucking mirror as if this man is saying I have double bulge. Go sideways, look the other way, the other way. Yeah, this is my bad side, this is my good side. It looks smaller from this side. Which way, that side? This side, this is my bad side. This is my good side. This one looks smaller from this side. Which side? That side.

I'll do this one then. How's that? I'm thinking of getting a new job. Really? Because fucking this kind of shit. You're not gonna get a job. No, I'm not getting, huh? Okay, all right.

No, I'm not gonna do it. I'm not doing it. Fuck the internet. Hi guys, today's episode of UB Trippin is brought to you by Cash App. It's a fast, easy, secure way to send money for whatever reason you want to. Here's a good reason, to be honest.

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Shop online and get $15 in PC optimum points on your first five orders. Shop now at nofrills.ca. Well, what did you do up there in the highlands? Anything? No, we just, it was just competitions. We go competitions. We do some sightseeing and then we go to like,

one year into Paris and then we- Did you ever go to um, uh The lake the lake lock is a hot lock. No. Yes. No, I think we like maybe you drove around there Did you yeah, I drove up once after the fringe. I was so like I got a my first fringe I think and I was like i'm just written a car going north. Yeah, how's crazy. He's driving out there Other side you're all fucked up. Yeah. And then it's like one lane things. They drive seventy five miles an hour on these one line things. And there's these pull outs every once in a while. And so somebody comes, you go like, I'll pull out or you back up some.

I remember. But they they're going so fast. Like, whoa, whoa, whoa. It is Mr. Bean, like the way that that blue car would fly around behind him. That's what it is. It's crazy. Yeah, but it's so like pretty up there. It's so rolling hill. Sometimes there'll be a bunch of sheep on the road. And then you but it's so pretty up there. It's so pretty. The rolling hills, sometimes there'll just be a bunch of sheep on the road.

Oh, and then you beep at them and they run away. It's very cute. It's like idyllic. It is really, yeah, I was thinking, my boyfriend, we were going on vacation this year for the first time in 20 years. I have not gone on vacation since I was 24 years old, I went to Dominican with my parents,

so it doesn't technically count, I guess. What are you gonna do? We were gonna go to Ireland, but I wanna go to Barcelona, because I think Ireland looks like Scotland. I've been there so many fucking times. Scotland. So you wanna go somewhere else? We're going to Barcelona.

Oh, that's cool. Yeah, you been? Yeah, I got tips for you. I need the tips. Okay. Give me these tips. Well, one, I will tell you, otherwise I'll tell you in private,

but it's just there's this architect named Gaudi. Yes, I've heard of this. Yeah, and so the term Gaudi comes from him. It's like, you know, but they're doing it wrong in Vegas, but his hand is everywhere there. So all the bars on the windows, it's like weirdly shaped. It's all like. It's all him?

Yeah, and then he made this one church. Okay, okay. That's like, you really have to do that one. Yeah, that's a bit of a. Sagrada Familia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the only like tourist thing there that you're like wait in line, do it, go in.

Worth it. Yeah. But then you see his hand everywhere in the park, well park I think, it's just like when he died, he got hit by a tram. He got hit by a tram? Yeah, when he was older. But he designed this church

and there was a 200 something year plan to make it. And the city's like, we gotcha. Jesus Christ. You'll be dead, but we'll finish it after you're dead. Oh my God. Yeah. They love this guy. They love him.

And when he died, thousands of people came out for his funeral, for an architect. Flew to the funeral? Just to bring his body down the road, down the street in Barcelona. Do you think people would fly to see you if you died? No. I just was like editing this interview thing

for my special. People flew in. For what? Two people flew in. One guy flew in from Spain to see my special, another person flew in from like San Fran. I filmed in Boston, I was like, people have no film my special. People flew in. Two people flew in. One guy flew in from Spain to see my special, another person flew in from like San Fran. I filmed in Boston. I was like, people have no lives.

What's the special called? Filth Queen. Filth Queen. I think I already have laid something into the episode. It would have been five minutes in. Oh, that's right. Again, I remember from five minutes in. Five minutes in.

Filth Queen's not bad for you. That's a good idea. That's a good title. It's a good title. You kind of are with Filth Queen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good title. It's a good title. You kinda are with Thelth Queen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a good title, that's it. You're really funny, and you did great on my story

during the show. Thank you. That was so fun. Yeah, it was great. That was such a fucking, are you allowed to say the venue? No, probably not. Yeah, you can. That was the coolest fucking venue I've done anything,

I think, ever on Taping In. It was so intimate and interesting, and it felt like, you know, it's not gonna be like, you get in there, you can feel it, you can't really, but that, you're like, oh, I actually feel this. Because it was an old, like, what was it, an old? Old cabaret. Yeah.

It's so, it's so strange in there, and you feel the vibe. Did I take you to the bathroom downstairs? No, I didn't fucking see the things with the sex things, right? Damn it. The backs of some of the toilets have a little couch where you could, you know. That's so, why wouldn't they just have a separate

little couch room? A toilet is so gross to fuck in. I have friends that have fucked in porta potties at like festivals and it makes me sick. I can't be near caca and fucking. Wait, wait, wait, wait, fucking a porta potty. Oh yeah. Go to the tent.

So I'm saying. It's all gross but ew. I fucking know, Bonnaroo, my, wait, wait, fucking a porta potty. Oh yeah. Go to the tent. That's what I'm saying. It's all gross, but ew. I fucking know, Bonnaroo, my friend Laura, fucked this guy in a porta potty, she's disgusting. I mean a regular bad, hostile bathroom, I could see it, a porta potty. I fucked in a hostile bathroom.

Sure, sure, sure. Most people have. Yeah, what are you gonna do it, in the dorms? Yeah, there's too many people in there. Yeah, you go to the showers, you go to the bathrooms. Where'd you fucking a hostile bathroom? Bridgetown. Portland? Uh-huh.

At the festival? Yeah. You stayed in a hostel for Bridgetown? Because they don't put you up. They get you a deal in the hotel, but that's about it. It was like crazy. It was like bunk, bunk, bunk, bunk, bunk, bunk, bunk. So you're like, we got to go to the bathroom.

We're going to go. It's bunks. Bunked up. You know who doesn't go to the bathroom? German backpackers. They just fuck on the... Yeah, and it's like they try to go quiet, but it's like go to the fucking... So you're hearing them? Yeah. Having sex? Yeah, and they're not like really going for it.

They know they're in a dorm. I'm not into that whole public thing. They're like getting off. And then, but the fucking whole thing's moving like a little bit. They're not like really going for it. If no one was there, it'd be rocking. Why can't you wait? Get up, you're that lazy? Germans make bad decisions. Yeah, they're lazy. It's like, just get up.

Just get up. I wouldn't want anyone hearing anything I did. Just go to the shower. Yeah, go to the, it's clean in there. I love an ice cream penis. It's the cleanest place in a hostel. Oh yeah, clean the pee pee, put the pee pee in, clean it afterwards. Everything's clean.

Have a good rinse. Who'd you fuck in a hostel? I can't tell. Comic? Yes, I can't tell. Another comic was staying at the hostel? Yes, I can't tell you the name. Publicly like this.

Had you already fucked? Yeah. You had already fucked. And so now you're like, we're gonna fuck again. Yeah. American? You're never gonna guess who it is. I don't wanna, I'm just trying to see the situation.

I'm telling you. American or Toronto? American. American. So you would meet up once in a while? We met up once in LA and then I said yeah. I'm like, oh hey, we're both here at this festival. Yes. Why not slip it in again?

Slip it out. Slip it in, but where are we going to do it there? Slip in, slip out. Slip it around. That's great. Hostel fucking is real fucking. Yeah, I think I fucked in another hostel. When I was in Amsterdam, I told you I,

that was my story that had no story at all. The first time I thought I was, I never ever thought about women until I was in Amsterdam years ago. I really wanted to move there. I have a giant windmill in my back tattoo. Giant what? Giant woman?

I really wanted to move to Amsterdam. I went to Amsterdam once. Yeah. And then I was like, I'm moving to Amsterdam. No, no, when I say giant, I mean it's my whole fucking bat. Oh, giant windmill. Yeah, yeah, yeah, huge windmill like that. It's absurd, it's very stupid.

Oh, that's cool. Is it? Yeah. Never moved there. Really wanted to move there. I fell in love with it. I went there once when I was 24. Yeah.

And I was like, I need to move here. I went back and I auditioned for Boom Chicago. That's how badly I wanted to move there. Worst audition in my life, oh my God. And I was doing improv at the time. So I don't know what the fuck happened. It's like their second city. They're comedy stand-up scene rules now there.

It's like the number, kind of there in Berlin, but really they're number one in Europe. Well, they did not like me and I, but yeah, remember it was me and my boyfriend at the time and then my best friend and her boyfriend and we were like so high, it was this magical evening, we hit like just down by those like canal tours, we ate an edible, we were like, oh my God,

we're staying on this bridge, it's like looking at the water and the lights and this like fucking blonde bombshell comes out of nowhere and she stops. She goes, Oh, my God, you're so beautiful. And I was out of a dream and I was like, what? She's like, I'm so sorry. What a great response. You're so good. What I was so because it was so she was like she had blonde hair.

She had this little beret on to these perfectly. It looked like a movie. These big red lips, these like blue eyes. She had this really cute little dress on. And I was like, what? She goes, what are you doing? Please come with me right now. And my boyfriend's like, hello, I'm with her.

She's like, if you want, please come with me. And I'm like, what? And I remember she walked away and I was like, am I gay now? Like I never had ever thought about another woman in my life until that fucking moment. And then after him I dated a woman. I was all like fucked up.

I'm like, I'm gay now. You didn't gay now. I'm gonna you didn't go with her. No, I didn't go. I was with this guy for seven years. I should have been like this is try it. He should have. What the heck? See how far I'll be in the lobby. It was wild. At that moment, like I was like, my god, this woman, was she real? I don't know. She came out of a strong lipstick, strong and exopham real? I don't know, she came out of the fucking door. Strong lipstick lesbian. And like so femme.

Wow. Because any time after that, only very butch women like me. Yeah, they're the ones who go for it hard. Oh, they're always like a buzz cut and like I wanna fucking suck your ass dry. I'm like, Jesus Christ. By the way, on the low,

there's no sexual harassers like a lesbian. And they won't take no. They will not take no. So it's like, hey, even a creep dude will eventually go away. Oh, they in there. There's this one comic who got out in Toronto and she was like pushing up women against the fucking bathroom and like grabbing their pussies and shit.

Wow. Oh yeah. And like Lesbo, you can't do this anymore. No, no, that was crazy. It was nuts. Just because she's like, yeah, I was a woman, it's okay. It's like, no, you fingered her over her pants. Who was that one Lesbo from Toronto?

She was funny. Black hair, kind of thin, small. Dana. Or Dan. Black hair, kind of small. Short black hair, but kind of cute, but in that lesbian way. No, I need to know who this is.

Short black hair, kind of cute, lesbian. Cute in like a Cameron Esposito way, but not Cameron. Deanna, Deanna, Deanna. No, I think it's Heather. No. Okay. I don't know who Deanna is. All right. Okay.

I'm glad we both showed it up. That person we don't know. Wasn't a great story anyway. Wasn't a great story anyway. All right. Well, here's what I asked you. Remember how big my nose is? Okay. Where do you want to here's what I asked you. Remember how big my nose is? Okay.

Where do you wanna go next? I guess, Barcelona. I actually, and now I'm kinda regretting, I kinda wish I was going to like Italy or Greece. Or Bulgaria, I've never been to Bulgaria. Oh, you don't feel connection? My motherland. You don't feel connection, you wanna go back? No, I, I don't, my family doesn't really speak English

over there, I never really met them, so I wouldn't be able to see family there, but. Yeah, but just go to the homeland. I know, I should've gone to the homeland. It's apparently beautiful. I'd go to Israel more if I didn't have to see family. Have you been to Bulgaria? No.

Yeah, least visited country in all of Europe. What's cool about Bulgaria? Should I be going to Bulgaria? I think you should. I think it's like, it's because tourists don't go there, so it's like cheap. On tap, it's like the jam. Where the fuck is Bulgaria? It's like on the Red Sea, or it's like, it's cause tourists don't go there. So it's like cheap. The jam. Where the fuck is ball game?

It's like on the Red Sea. It's over there. It's right here in Quebec. That's where it is. It's a French Edward Island. That's where it is. You speak French? No, I would have picked it up.

Yeah. No, we learned. Oh, I actually went to Australia. You've never been to Australia? No. Oh, you can get there. Yeah, I know I can get there. This is where I should be doing my stuff. I played Aussie rules football, competitively. Oh yeah, made the Canadian national team. I was fucking good. They play, they played the footy in.

Oh, huge. In Toronto, it's massive. There's like seven or eight women's teams and like 10 men's teams. They didn't even play it in all of Australia. It's almost all East Coast. Really? Yeah.

Oh, huge. Yeah, huge, huge population in Toronto. That's wild. And they don't have a Perth team? No. They have a Perth team. They have a Perth team. They have a Perth team. They have a Perth team. They have almost all East Coast. Really? Oh, huge. Yeah, huge population in Toronto. That's wild. And they don't have a Perth team?

No, I play for the Blues. Wow. Yup. Aussie football, it's so fun. I used to think this was where my soulmate lived. I was convinced when I was so single for a while, I was convinced that it's someone in Australia because I'm like the Elle Mullets.

They all find me funny. I'm really really generalizing every single Australian thinks I'm hilarious They did a little humor. It is like they like gritty. They like raunchy I went to a game with Nick Cody and one of the guys from the team recognized me afterwards They all came out He got locker room visits because he works for the radio out there and we're in the lock and some of it They're all eating their oranges and coming in and and they're like, oh, are we spirit? That's so cool. I thought it was so cool.

Oh my God, that's actually really cool. That would make me like really starstruck. Yeah. Someone like that out of context. I just saw you fucking play so hard. Like, I'm bleeding, they're so fucking, I hit me like, so gruesome. These people get fully fucking tackled and go,

and then they comically shake it off and then run again. I saw someone get punched casually. It was like, he was out of bounds, somebody tackled him out of bounds, but he just kind of pushed him out of bounds. It wasn't a full tackle. And then the guy was holding on to him, not realizing he'd touched the line, so he's out.

And so the guy's like, all right, get off. I'm gonna try to throw the ball in. And the guy wouldn't get off, he just punched him. And the guy's like, all right, anyway. And they went right back to the defense. And nothing. Yeah. There's no like. Full punch guy wouldn't get off, he just fucking punched him. And the guy's like, anyway, and they went right back. And nothing. Yeah. Full punch hard, and they go, all right, whatever.

There's no fake soccer rolling, they're limping off, they're running again. They're bleeding. What homos those soccer players are. I can't stand that sport. God damn. It's so crazy. They bitch more than Donchik.

It's bad, it is bad. And these guys are literally bleeding, they're all toothless. Oh, it's a fucking sport of Karen's soccer. It is. Yeah, it rules. I also saw somebody get knocked out in the halftime. There was a thing where they'd hit you with a mattress.

You know how you get her with a fair catch? Yes, yes, yes. So you can like, we'll spot up and we could go whatever, wicked or whatever from here. So they're doing that with fans. Like we're gonna hit you with a mattress as you jump up and try to catch the ball. And one guy caught it and fell.

And they're like, ah, you've had the third guy did it. And the ball just like rolled away. And it was like, what? And like, oh, he's unconscious. Oh, God. He hit his head and they're like, all right. And then the fourth guy's like, it's game's over. Game's over, guy's dead.

Game's over, guy's dead. But Barcelona, you're gone. Where's like really calling you though? Besides just a vacation. Although Barcelona does rule. Yeah, I's like really calling you though, besides just a vacation? Although Barcelona does rule. Yeah, I mean, I feel like, I honestly feel like Greece, I've been like getting on this weird Greek TikTok right now.

Where it's like really cool, like this is the place in Greece you should go, oh, there's little towns that are right over the water and that the crystal clear blue water. In Northern Greece? Yes. That's cool. Yeah.

Yeah, you know anything about that? I know nothing, nothing too, my boyfriend just came back from Japan and he fucking loved it. Who's your boyfriend? Chilterina? Who? Don't tell me, sorry.

No, he's not, he wouldn't. Doesn't matter. But he was, was on cruise ships and he just came back from Japan, he said it was the fucking craziest. It was so cool. Why? He said the people were so nice,

like everything he ate was amazing. Damn, I wanna go. I know, like just everything he's like, I ate like the whole time he lost weight, because it's like they don't, they're not gouging on shit. That's Scotland too. They have a drink, it's like this much whiskey, soda,

they're not fucking American pourers where it's like, ooh, margarita, it's like this fucking sugar mix, it's like homemade shit, like it's absurd. That's all the Scottish food I remember, eating like shit for the festival and losing weight. It's disgusting. I don't know how you did. It's fucking fish and chips and cheese and gravy.

A lot of fried. That's all it is. Hoggis is great. Do you like hoggis? No, it's gross. The fucking, ew, the sheep's intestine. I used to- You can't say it like that. Then of course it's gonna be gross. I used to, you know, Robbie Burns, the old Scottish poet? Yeah, he's the number's intestine. I used to. They can't say it like that. That of course is gonna be gross. I used to, you know Robbie Burns, the old Scottish poet. Yeah, he's the number one poet. Every year.

They're Burns nights. They're Burns nights. I would dance at them. My mom would drag me to these fucking Legion halls. In T.O.? You think I have a big nose. This bulbous and red, and these guys would be just smoking, watching me dance like an eight year old.

They're like, eh, make her turn around again. In Toronto? Yes. They had Burns nights in Toronto? Yes. I tried to go back last year and do it because they pay well. It's like a hundred bucks a dance.

I'm like, I'll put the old kilt on. I'll toss me a couple of fucking velvet vests here. That's so cool. Old fucking Scottish men listen because they just love hearing his poetry. Yeah. We don't have that here. No, no, we'd watch somebody go around with a haggis

and the heart discussion. Show me haggis. I hearty skush and skoo, whatever it is. I loved it. It was gross. I expected to hate it and loved it. It needs some sauce. Oh yeah. It needs a bit of HP or something on there. It needs a little, I love HP sauce.

I should slap so I can suck that back. You ever have a fried Mars bar? Oh yeah, oh yeah. I think my favorite, did you ever try the iron brew bars? Iron brew? Iron brew. Bars? Oh, there was these like, oh, I don't know

if they make them anymore. Iron brew bars? They were these, they looked like those like, Laffy Taffy kind of stuff. Huge clumps of sugar, I'd be like, maybe that's why I didn't shit. I'd be sucking those back. No one understands what it is, it's only Scotland.

Iron brew is a good. It's a plasticier soda. Yes, it's disgusting. Oh, there's the bars! The second. Yes, it's disgusting. Oh, there's the bars. The second one over, Iron Brew Bar. Oh my fucking God, those were nasty. I don't know what the fuck was in those. They all drank it, Iron Brew,

we gotta get a bottle for this. It's really gross. It's so gross. It's like, so every time I go play something, let me try the thing, and I'm like, oh, I actually like it, I like Huggers. Iron Brew, I'm like, I actually don't like it. I gave it a real try.

It's poison. It's disgusting. It's bad. They're so fucking fat there. They're so fat. I do love a Scottish breakfast though. Like the fried tomatoes and the beans and the fucking wet sausages.

I love that. It's one of the best breakfasts. Oh, it's unreal. And when you're hungover, or if you're up all night on acid and just come home. Mark needs that right now. Mark needs it. Yeah, Mark was going. they were giving us those big glasses

like Kil Tony last night instead of the small ones. Oh yeah, he's fine. Yeah, the Scottish breakfast is rule. They are so good, but everything else is brown. Every food you eat there, the sauces are brown, everything's deep fried. I mean, best best chips I've ever had in my life though when they wrapped them up in like the newspaper.

Fuck, that tartar sauce. Drunk food in Scotland is amazing. Yeah, their crisps are good, too. I like their crisps, flavorless. Yeah, oh yeah, where they just put like curry sauce on them and like. Oh yeah, mm, slap that back. They have great Indian food over there.

The great Indian food. Whole best I've ever had. Yeah, there's a high level Indian restaurant in Edinburgh with like a line around the block all the time Really? It's like one of those Michelin E things. Oh shit. I forget the name of it. It's like fusion II and new Yeah, they have great Indian food. So good immigration really helps. Yeah Toronto's great food. Yeah, you obviously been trouble. bunch. It's so diverse. We have greatly good Jamaican food and our fucking Chinatown is insane.

Yeah, all these countries get a rap on their food, but it's like, no, we're not, nobody eats, there's no American, what's American food? It's just snake, it's just Indians. It's fucking burger and fries. No, but that's from Hamburg. Is it? Yeah. We don't have any food. I don't know anything. What's Canadian, fucking No, that's from Hamburg. Is it? Yeah

What's Canadian fucking poutine it's stupid I guess that'd be it Yeah, but but the food in Canada is not just no no no nothing Yeah, and smoke meat smoke. We see. Oh, yeah, smoke me Delis is fucking and that certain type of bagel. Are you going to Montreal this year? No, it's back though. I mean, yeah, I guess it's back. The deals are sending out. Doesn't look like it's back.

I hate to break it, do you? It was never good deals. Well, it's much worse. There's, they're rebranded, they're starting over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They should have started over a little up. Couple more numbers in there. It's so funny, I remember Ralphie May

bitching about the pay at Montreal, and I'm like, my check as a newcomer, I was like, this is great, most I've ever made. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the higher level people, you now, it's like, it's a festival. It's a festival, I get it, but it's, you know. Yeah.

Insulting is what it is. Whatever. The amount of show, 20 shows. Oh, they keep working, yeah. And I was like, And once you get there, you're like, chill, chill, let me just do some good shows. I'm like, I gotta sit for a second,

my god, my dog's gonna be three times this amount. What, do you have any travel tips? Do some Googling before you get there, I think. I like to do a little bit of checking out the restaurants, because if you get there in a panic and you're, I like to know where I'm going. I like to like map out the area first. Not a bad idea.

I never do it, but what you're saying is not a bad idea. I think it's good to just see, cause especially if you get a hostel, I stayed when I went back after I got the tattoo, I stayed in the red light district. In Amsterdam. Yeah, by myself in a hostel. And that was a big mistake.

I really wish I didn't do that. I didn't Google the area. I saved that Bulldog hostel, and he's a couple of them. Bulldog over, it's right next to the coffee shop? Yes, there's like one, I think there's two Bulldogs, and I booked the one that was in the right light district, and I was like, oh, fuck me. And it was just like, I couldn't even go for a walk.

I was watching all the men. Watching the men look at those women is just, it was. Also, can I tell you from the man's point of view, you try to just glance at a woman, and they're like, all couldn't even go for a walk. I was watching all the men. Watching the men look at those women is just, it was. Also, can I tell you from the man's point of view, you try to just glance at a woman and they're like, all right, come in, come in. You're like, I just wanna gawk. Let me gawk. Yeah, there's an open window.

So you gotta go across the canal and then look over. Yeah. And you're not seeing as much. You're in a glass. I wanna look at this. You wanna go that close? I mean, not quite, but yeah. That's insane.

You're in a glass window. Window shopping. We window shopped. I was just there, I was there this's insane. You're in a glass window. Window shopping. We window shopped. I was just there, I was there this last year. You stayed in it. It's walk through. I was so high and I was like so disgusted by it. I met with Jessica Michelle.

Huh? I met with Jessica Michelle. We would walk through there. Oh yeah. First time I went I think was with her. You guys did shows together? Yeah. Yeah, she did.

She went to a live sex show. So did I. Really. Yeah. Yeah, she did. She went to a live sex show. So did I. Really? Yeah. It was, not what you think. They see you in church pews. And it's a bunch of Americans. And then they come out and do like,

they have like a whole theme. And they came out and they were doing like a fryer tuck. The guy was just his fryer tuck. And the girl was like this maid. Firefuck from Sex and the City. I'll tell you what, fryer tuck looked exactly like fryer tuck. Season three, episode 16.

If that's real, wow. You're that big of a Sex and the City fan? Couldn't possibly be season four. It was either late three or early four, for sure. Are you actually Sex and the City fan? I'm watching it for the first time right now, so I have everything on my amount. And it brings women in to go,

this actually reminds me of the time Charlotte did this, and women were like, what? I can do exact quotes, because I just saw the episode, like I did it before. Look up Friar Fuck, and what episode it is. It's gotta be late three or early four. Friar, this is so hilarious. You actually know exactly what this is.

Samantha and the Priest. Yeah, click on that, let's see. Friar Fuck, yeah, for sure. Season four, episode one! Oh, God, that was too close, it was scaring me. My God. All right. Yeah, I watched it and it's not, it is gross.

He's wearing a condom, his t-shirt kept rolling up. He's wearing a condom? It was really gross. My sex show. It was, and they were doing it to, shot through the heart, but you're too lame. was, and they were doing it to, shot through the heart, but you're too lame. So, and they were doing it to the beat, and all these Americans and Canadians were in the pews,

and we just burst out laughing, because we're like, we're never gonna hear the song the same again. Oh yeah. And it was like, they were both ugly, I feel bad, but they were both hideous, and I'm like, nobody would ever have punched this in and looked for it. Like, no one was Googling whatever we saw, because it wasn't even sexual, it just became like, nobody would ever punch this in and look for it. Like no one was Googling whatever we saw.

Cause it wasn't even sexual. It just became like very performative. And I was like, ugh. Oh really? Yeah. Yeah, so when you look at amateur porn, then you're like, this is too amateur. I don't want this belly.

I can't do amateur porn. The sheets are not clean. The mattress is showing, there's a sock in the corner. I need a clean bedspread. Somebody found a porn where they were watching a special in the backdrop. I need a clean bedspread. I can't get into one. Somebody found a point where they were watching a special in the backdrop. They weren't watching. Are you serious? But it was just on and you could like kind of hear it.

Oh my God. That's good, that's good. Yeah, that was a YouTube special because Netflix would have blocked that. They would have been like, no way. Yeah, we can't have this. That's a good travel tip, do a little bit of Googling. A little bit of Googling, especially where you're staying.

I think that's the main one. Because you want to, you know, because it'll say homeless people, and I stayed in the Tenderloin once, first time in San Francisco, and I didn't know that there'd be a man shitting right in front of my eyes the second I walked out of my hotel room.

And I'm like, you know what, things like that I wish I knew. Yeah, I went to Havana with Bobby Kelly, and I was trying to say the less touristy part. I was like, oh, let's get a better feel, and he Googled it, and it was like, no, yeah. Well, they use, you read those reviews.

You're like, this is a, that's it. That's it. That's probably pretty smart. All right. And I try the local stuff. Try and do, you know, also ask. I love asking people there. People who are cool, cool bartenders, not a few on the street.

Ask them what, like what's, what do you do? What's a cool bar you go to? What's the restaurant you go to? What's a good restaurant you go to? That's how you find, I think, the best spots. Yeah, you gotta phrase these things right too. Because Nick Youssef had a thing back when he was drinking. You know Nick? Not personally.

Okay, but he was drinking. And he'd go, hey, you're on the road. You're like, what's a cool bar? And then they give you a version of what they think you'll think a cool bar is. Which is like probably at nightclub, whatever they want. So like, how do you get through to them what I want?

So Nick goes, hey, where's the bar where people, not gay, but where guys with mustaches go? Okay, okay. And he goes, oh, okay, you want this bar. Yeah, that's what I'm looking for. It's a regular hipster bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, ask locals what's cool around here.

Ask locals, yeah. Like where they eat. Yeah, right. Where's cool around here. Like where they eat. Where you eat, where you drink. Alright, that's pretty good. The special again is, hold on, because I've already said it twice now. I don't think you said it once. I already did it. Filth Queen.

June 24th on Netflix. No, it's already out. It's out. Go watch it on Netflix. It's out today? What's the 24th, Tuesday? Yes. It's out today. It's out today, go watch my special!

That's why we held this episode. That's why we held this episode. Yay, thank you for holding it. Please go watch it. Yeah, I'm excited for it. You're fucking hilarious. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me on your storytelling show.

I hope that gets- One of the best LA comics going right now. Thank you for having me on your storytelling show. I hope that gets. One of the best LA comics going right now. Thank you. Yeah. You know, you were there, the worst that I ever had at the store. I don't remember this, it was years ago when Adam was still the booker.

I was showcasing and I bombed so bad. And you, I think you did that. You took my hand and you went, yikes. It was so bad. I am a go right at it and not dance around a guy. Oh no, no, I wouldn't have wanted to. And then that night I got rear-ended on the way home. I was so pissed after bombing my tits off.

But I'll never forget that you were just like, yikes. I think if I remember right, it's tough. I believed you enough. You were always funny. It was just. I was leaving enough to go, wow, that was bad. Yeah, it was bad. If I didn't, it'd be like, nice to meet you.

No, no, it was, but it's also embarrassing to do in front of the comments that you respect, you're like, god damn it. Like anybody else is doing it, if Bobby, leave Bobby, I'm gonna be like, no, I'm kidding. It's so bad to bomb in front of someone you look up to. I was more upset that you saw that than the booker. I was like, I'm actually mortified right now.

And then I always think that you remembered that, thank god you remember that. But I'm like, I always think of that, I bombed in front of Nick Kroll the first time he ever saw me and he forgot about it. I brought it up to him, he's like, I don't know what you're'm like, I always think of that, like, I always, I bombed in front of Nick Kroll the first time he ever saw me and he forgot about it. I brought it up to him, he's like, I don't know what you're talking about, I was like, think, come on, because it was,

it was rough. It was someone else actually. So it's nice to know that. How long you been in LA? 11 years. I guess I met you right when you kind of moved, because I had just left. I think you left and I was like doing,

I was also doing more alt stuff. Did I know you in Toronto? I probably saw you once at, I came and did some festival. Yeah, maybe that. Yeah, or a con bar or something. Yeah, maybe I met you at something like that. Yeah, interesting, because I remember you got there

and it was like, there was even a vibe around you. Like Steph's funny. Like, oh cool, new person. New person that's actually funny. Then Bob, like, I'm like, yeah okay. Whoever said that wants to fuck that nose, hello. You recovered. Phil Queen's on Netflix right. Hello, okay. You're recovered. Filth Queen's on Netflix right now everybody.

Plus listen to her podcast, the Filth of the Queenie. Yeah. What's the podcast? Steph Infection. Steph Infection. Are you still doing with Jessica Schell? No, no.

My daughter? Just my aunt, my own. Just your aunt. Steph Infection. Yes. Come do it when you're in LA. I don't know if you guys understand what a play on words is, but. A lot of people don't. lot of don't get that. No, I'm like I can't explain it to you. You're stupid

I had one once a staff where it was like here. I was like here right here I was playing pool with with Rogan and he I don't I didn't know what they were. Yeah, he gave it to me That's why he wouldn't let me the green if it was in the butt, but this is on my leg And we were playing pool and I was limping goes what are you limping? He came to me. That's why he wouldn't let me in the green. If it was in the butt maybe, but this was on my leg. And we were playing pool and I was limping. He goes, what are you limping? And I was like, I got like a mosquito bite or something. He's like, what?

What's a mosquito, why are you limping a mosquito bite? Or not a mosquito, but a spider bite. And he was like, let me see it. And he goes, bro, that's, you gotta go to the hospital right now. How long you had that? And I was like, couple weeks ago, dude, that's gonna get, what's it called?

Where it just goes into your bloodstream. Oh yeah, and then you die. Yeah, yeah, it's, you need to get that.stream. Oh yeah, and then you die, yeah, yeah. You need to eat that. Yeah, he goes, you gotta go to the hospital right now. I'm like, buddy, I can't express to you what it's like to not have insurance. There's no chance I'm going to a closed emergency room.

I will go tomorrow though, when I get free. Oh my God, and you waited in the night. Yeah. That's scary. Anyway. Anyways, thanks for having me. Yeah, thank you. Bye.

Bye. I was like, anyone lives. Don. Buddy, yeah, thank you. Bye. Bye. I was like, anyone's in. Don't drink Iron Brew, eat everything else. Well, that's the episode, everybody. Please, well, go see stuff. First, click subscribe or click the fucking bell button at the bottom of YouTube if you're watching, if you're on Spotify. And I think there's other platforms too, but I don't really know them.

Hit subscribe so you get notified when new episodes are out. If you're new to this podcast, we just cover a different place every time. It really doesn't matter who the guest is. We have a blast. It's unrelated. We don't always have a blast. But it's unrelated to the name of the guest.

It's just like somebody wanted a cool trip and it's fun to go along with them. Damn, it really reminded me of the North. I took a long trip and I mean I could do my own episode of this after Edinburgh one year. Was it the Jew one? Nope, it was the first time I went to Edinburgh. Took a trip into the Highlands, it's a magical place.

Where she was, it's a magical place. And then north of there. Do I have a Garvault? Damn. I had... Nope, it's not hanging up. Because I do get postcards from people. I had one from the Garvault Hotel,

the most remote hotel in the UK mainland. And I went to find it, and it drove and drove and drove and drove, and you see it, you finally see it it's on one lane street I'm okay I like to bleep the names of places so that doesn't get overrun with tourists just trying to like step in somebody's find your own place I didn't find out by someone telling me I just like chanced upon it I made my own journey so make your own but I will tell you about the ones that are super difficult to find which aren't gonna get overrun because I'll just say you want there's nothing worse than going to a place and

coming back a year later like, I can't bring a friend and go, uh, it's like out of parking lot now and it's full. It sucks. I'm not gonna be part of that. Garver Hotel you gotta find. I mean it's hours drive from the nearest city and you finally come over a hill and you see it. It's still like a 30 minute drive. It's so crazy remote and I got there and pulled in. There's a hotel area, no one's in it, so then I walked to the bar next door. Everyone just stopped and stared at me like it was Blues Brothers

when they walked into the black room. And I was like, hello, and then they heard the accent, they were just like, what? I was like, do you know if anybody's at the hotel next door? And the bartender's like, it's my hotel. And I was like, oh, okay. It was just, ah, they were staring at me.

I mean, do you ever see Wicker Man? I had not, thankfully, or I would've frightened out of my mind. And so I went, I was see Wicker Man? I had not, thankfully, or I would have frightened out of my mind. And so I went, I was like, yeah, so, can I get a room? And he goes, we're actually all full. And I was like, no, really? He goes, there's four rooms,

and they're all taken by these guys. And they were like, oh, hi, where you from? I was like, I'm from America. They're like, what are you doing out here? I was like, I was at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. And they're like, oh my God, that's so cool. I was like, oh yeah. I was like, okay.

And I was ready to sleep in my car. It was cold up there, but I, there's nowhere else to go, but I could. And it's not like I didn't do it when I used to cut class. Sleep in the car for a while to piss out the window, get a nice piss, and then back in. I was like, okay. And then one guy's like, oh, hold on. I have an RV. I have a camper piss and then back in. I was like okay, and then one guy's like,

oh hold on, I have an RV, I have a camper. I can sleep in there, you can take that room. He's like, what? He goes, yeah, we're all friends, we're just here on a fishing trip. They're like these guys in their 60s. But you know, I've got a camper, I can sleep in that, take the room for the night.

And I did, and then we all had dinner together. He was like, do you want lamb? I didn't know any of this. Because do you want lamb or do you want whatever? And I'm like, I mean, lamb. And then they make you a meal. There's nowhere else to eat. And then there's breakfast too.

And these guys all went, it was so cool. And they had these bugs that would just devour you. Chiggers, right? Commonly referred to in other words, chiggers. Harvest mites up there. Also known as berry bugs, but they're terrible and they burrow. Chiggers, harvest mites up there. Also known as berry bugs, but they're terrible and they burrow into your skin, but they're out there. But man, what a fucking blast driving around up there.

I saw, I can't even tell you. I'll do this as an episode, the Highlands, because I gotta tell you something I saw that's a bit magical. I understand. You don't know what I'm talking about. I saw something in the realm of magic. Okay, so that's the episode. Again, go watch Steph's specials. Filth Queen is available right now. And guys, by the way, I want to say this. I'm going to say our dates real quick.

Bakersfield. All tickets are available at punchup.live slash Steph Tullof. I will guarantee you this. I know a lot of you don't know she is yet. I understand that. I know a lot of you do. She's great. She has a new Netflix special. She crushes. And if you're looking for something for different to do. This is more like when I have friends, when I started my friends would always write me like, hey DC Improv, which one of these, I want to go this month. Who of these are good? And I'd be't know that guy's great that guy you'll laugh for sure and this person it's not I would choose something else or this person's a Christian comic

no offense me or this person's like you know for date night and I just give him advice Steph Tola even if you don't she is will be a great date night out for you or a night out with your friends whatever she's filthy and she's great she's hilarious so go see her in Bakersfield Brea this all starting in August Bakersfield Brea San Francisco Philadelphia Detroit Sacramento Minneapolis Austin Balmore Winnipeg, Calgary, Charlotte, Chicago, Rosemont, Chicago again, Toronto and Montreal. Get tickets right now to see Steph Tollef. Today's, wait, tomorrow's start today.

Today's episode, and I want to say this real quick, by the way I'm in Charlestown, West Virginia, my last gig. Get tickets at RH4.com July 12th. One show only. Stop sending postcards. This, that's done. That mailbox will be no longer. If something's already in the mail, I'll probably get it.

But if not, I'm gonna set up a new PO box somewhere else. Today's episode of You've Been Shippin' is produced by Your Mom's House Network. It's edited by Alan Caffey and helped along by Chris and Neyana. And I wanna say we had a fucking blast when I was there last time. We went out to Franklin's, we did a line at Franklin's,

a YMH outing. I've never had this as a company outing in so many fucking years. We all went out and got blasted in line beforehand. What a fucking fun time. We brought way too many Trulies or beers or whatever and we just like started handing them out so we were the hero of the line.

And we were lit up by the time we got in there. I don't know what happened, it's summertime or too many barbecue shops open, but the line at Franklin's is no longer undoable. I used to have to trade TaskRabbit to get in or go myself at like 8 a.m., wait for three hours by myself. Sometimes in the rain. And we got beers and we got fuckin' lit up

and they ate a shitload of meat. Just say what you want, Franklin's is amazing. You can say whatever the fuck you want, Franklin's is amazing. I'm not doing that comparison thing, but I will tell you, Franklin's está amacio. Oh yeah, Mont Blanc. I am going to read some of these. So guys, I just want to give it up one time. Show some pictures from our fucking outing.

It was a blast. Then we went swimming in a fucking swimming hole. Got in trouble for drinking where we shouldn't have with a different crew. That was not YMH. We definitely did not get in trouble as a YMH staff for drinking in public when we didn't. So allegedly I dropped the YMH staff,

found another staff of a neighboring place, then we got in trouble. And then YMH came back in and we did not do anything. Oh no, the manager was there. Fuck off. Yeah. We got almost pretty much thrown out. Um, Hey, I already just finished the Tartier Mont Blanc, a 174 kilometer hike through France, Italy and Switzerland. Wait, what? Is this one of those crazy fucking, is this one of those crazy hikes multi-day hikes oh rain snow hail blisters bad knees shitting in the woods love it and

wearing the same clothes for ten days would recommend love Oscar and he sent it to Ari Shaffir care of you be trippin at an address that is no longer. So don't send it there. Hold on to your postcards guys. I will send up another PO box to send it to. Putting that up on the wall. Also my fucking money thing is almost done. Let's finish the episode everybody. If you're looking for merch, hopefully it's up by now. Stickers! UB Trippin stickers! And here's what I want you to do.

At least minimum, the pre-sale will be up there with Ubi Trippin shirts. I saw this at a show in Providence, some people made a bootleg shirt. Whoever those people are, I love it. I've been asking to try to find a picture. I recreated it. Make my own.

Ubi Trippin t-shirts. Go with pride. It's the fucking logo right there, which you can't see. Yeah, you can. We have a technology can It's that But just Just that part Get him below if you're watching on YouTube get him right below

Get one of those the Shroomfest shirts are coming also, so maybe Be aware of that. Hopefully that maybe pre-sale will be on there too. Wouldn't that be great? If not it'll be next week. So look below. We got a bunch of shit coming. Plus you can get the Jew vinyl of which I have tons of in here. Some still signed. Grinders like that one. Yeah fuck. Anyway I'm doing a bad job with this. Next week, who's on? Who's on? Graham K. on Budapest. Graham K. on Budapest. That day I'm also supposed to meet with sabbatical. 50-50 if it'll happen.

We got great ones coming. Small brain American. John Ronson. Another Norman one. a great list, and Sarah Tolamache one when they visited me in Ecuador. We got a bunch coming. Please subscribe! I'll see you next week everybody! Goodbye! Steph, that was, that was great. That was great. You're graceful as shit. Don't let anybody tell you different. Bye!