You Be Trippin' - Trip To Prison w/ Derek Drescher & Geo Perez | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: August 10, 2026

Follow Geo Perez on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/geoperez86 Follow Derek Drescher on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/derekdrescher/ SPONSORS: Start your new morning ritual & get up to 43% off your @‌MUDWTR with code TRIPPIN at https://mudwtr.com/TRIPPIN! #mudwtrpod Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/7chyhxwm #CashAppPodCash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Cash App Visa® Debit Flex Cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC, and The Bancorp Bank, N.A., pursuant to a license from Visa U.S.A. Inc. See terms and conditions for the Sutton prepaid card, Sutton debit flex card, and Bancorp debit flex card.  Discounts and promotions provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit https://cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures. On this week's episode of You Be Trippin', Ari Shaffir talks to Derek Drescher and Geo Perez about their trip(s)...to prison. What a fun episode! Derek and Geo talk about everything from the many fights they were in, the food they ate, and the enemies they made. Believe it or not, the worst of it came from their first times in juvie. Geo talks about his time as the juice man and Derek informs us of the benefits of eating kosher while in the clink. Very interesting stuff. See you on the outside! You Be Trippin' Ep. 131 https://www.instagram.com/arishaffir https://www.instagram.com/youbetrippinpod https://arishaffir.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:35 - Geo & Derek Go to Prison 00:05:25 - Geo Stabs Someone 00:17:03 - First Day Kinda Nervous 00:40:36 - Homosexuals & Racism 00:48:45 - Correctional Officer & Prison Jobs 00:57:45 - The Facilities 01:17:39 - Fight Club 01:34:40 - Visitation 01:45:14 - Homecoming 01:55:33 - Travel Advice 02:06:10 - Outro Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to UB. Tripp, and we got a great one for you today. It's a theme episode. Derek Drescher and Gio Perez are on the pod. They're both great New York City comics. And honestly, two of the best guys to run into it at a comedy club. For real. They're always positive, always willing to talk sports, almost never politics that I know of. And they're hilarious. And they have something unique about them. They've both been in quite a lot of trouble with the law. So this today is an episode about Trips Behind Bars. It's a good one. Yeah, they have their own podcast about it, too, on the gates, which I've been on. So he's just a show. check that out. Please subscribe to this podcast wherever you're watching a listen. I'm almost at

150,000 subscribers on YouTube. I like to get there. Do me a favor, hit the subscribe button. That's it. Derek Dresher, Gio Perez, right now on a new episode of UB Tripping. Hey, you guys ever have this in your head where you're like about to say something and then your brain has a full conversation with you where you're like, what's the pros and cons of saying this right now? Yeah, all the fucking time. Actually, maybe I shouldn't. As soon as I wake up. Where you've been and where you're going? This is Our East Travel Show, yeah. We're going to talk about travel today.

It's U.B. Trippin, yeah. Welcome to U.B. Trippin, everybody. It's a travel podcast every week, every episode. I go to a different place with someone who's been there. It's not an informational podcast. Most of the time, we're actually quite wrong. But it's just about people's experience in a place. On any trip they've been on.

This is going to be a weird one. It's not an out-of-the-country trip. It's a trip to the fucking Penn. Local trip. It's a local inner city. I love stand-up comedy because it brings people together from so many walks to life. My best friends is Joey Diaz.

And if you told us both at a certain age, we get to know each other, an Orthodox, borderline Hasidic Jew and a straight criminal, there was no way. Yeah. That's the best part about comedy. No background checks. No background checks.

No job history, none of that. And Derek Drescher and Gio Perez. I saw you both today and I was like, this has been in my head for a while because I thought you'd both been to jail, prison, whatever. And I was like, I'd be a fun one to do. And people do be tripping in jail.

Yeah. People are tripping to jail. Okay, so let's talk all about it. Where did you guys go? First of all, most of my kind don't even know the difference in jail in prison. We use it interchange. Jail is like either for...

Well, some of your kind, no. Yeah. Some of your... The ones are work in the industry. Some of them are keeping them out of that. I was locked up with a lot of them. I was locked up with a lot. lot of Hasidic Jews. No way. Yeah, and a lot of people know there's green, green correctional

is there's actually a real kosher kitchen there. No. Where they send out all the kosher meals for the whole New York State prison system. Oh, they make them? They make, there's Hasidic Jews in there, Orthodox Jews in there, there's a kosher kitchen. Wow, even in jail, they don't eat the goyslop? Bro. It's crazy. No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't touch that. You always go kosher when you get in Because your food is packaged, no one can, nothing could have been done to. Can't be fucked with. Yeah.

It's completely. I heard those you do at McDonald's, my friend was like, asked for no tomatoes. There's just something different that they have to make it fresh so it can't be sitting there all day. No salt on the fries. No salt on the fries. Yeah, yeah.

That's what you do, no, salt, and then you ask for salt packets. Yeah. I hated that when I was like extra salt for a while when I was living off McDonald's when I started comedy. And I was like, this doesn't have barely any salt on it. Like, give me packets. I'm like, no, no, no. I wanted you guys to do the mix of it.

thing. I don't get all on top and none of the bottom. Yeah. Do it. But then you can't ask that because now you're fucked. Yeah. Salt, tip to fries. So you guys both went to jail and prison?

Yeah. Just jail a bunch of times. Yeah. I've been... Tell me the difference. So jail is when you get a year or under bid. It's like county. It's like county.

County. Community college. Yeah. Okay. So like, Rikers is the county for the city. Rikers is a jail. It's a jail. It's not a prison.

Interesting. A lot of people don't know that. But it is all. Also worse than a lot of prisons. So a lot of times guys will get locked up, go to Rikers, and they will plead out quick so they can get upstate. So they're like, let me get out of here. Let me get the fuck out of here.

Well, no, it's not as dangerous, but there's just nothing to do. There's no movement. There's no program. There's no, the yard. You can't go to yard all day. It's pretty scary, man. It is dangerous, though, in Rikers. So I was, it's dangerous.

You don't have to worry about getting slashed or stabbed. You do? You don't. Where I was. Okay. It was hard to get raises. were out. But in Rikers, people get scoples in there. Like actual medical grade

scalples. Yeah. They have... Like Bobby Smurder, that rapper, he got in trouble because his girlfriend got caught smuggling drugs, suboxin, and scalples. Scalples to be able to stab somebody. To slash somebody. It's so much different than Oz. Where you have to shave something down. Yeah, they also do that. Yeah, they'll just take like a

old piece of metal and just sharpen it down and then all of a sudden they have a fucking machete. Yeah. You have to get into a lot of fights to think ahead of time I'm going to need a stab her. I've seen guys who had like whips with like metal studs on the end of you. Wow, like middle ages weapons. Yeah, bro. All kinds of shit. We get like this hard plastic spoon. Like that's our spoon for our whole time there, right?

Oh, like camping. Yeah. But you know how like they have like those like, you know, the plastic? And a pen that only it's, it can't be, it bends. The pen bends. They give you that kind of pen. It's made out of recycled tires. Yeah. So it's like you can't really do anything with it. I got to say that story for later. I stabbed somebody with a pencil. Teach him something.

In the joint? Yeah, in county jail. But what was that talking about? It was over an ice bucket. You got to realize the fights that you're going to hear about. Guys, don't save any, if you get any ideas for any stories, don't save them. All right, so I worked in the kitchen. Hold the thought.

Okay. So I worked in the kitchen. This was back in 2009. And we would... Is that a good job? Yeah, it's the best job. Because you can eat the food that the guards eat. Yeah.

Yeah. And you could sneak stuff back to those. Yeah, you could sneak like salt, sugar back in your boots and shit. I'd be taking straight chicken legs. I'd have them like fucking... It's easier to make hooch there because they have sugar. It's easier to what? To make hooch, like, uh, toilet wine and shit.

So, uh, we would send, like every, every dorm would get juice in these containers and you put a little bit of ice, you know, like, You put the juice, you know, you put a scoop of ice. But for our dorm, we would fill one container up to the top with ice. So when we were done with the juice, we throw it in a garbage bag in a mop bucket, and it's our fridge. So it's just like having a cooler. So we do that every day. You throw your milks on there and all that stuff. You throw your milk, your juice, your jelly, all that stuff.

And when I was, I had the juice job. It was the best job. I was there for like nine months. So as soon as I got that job, it's the easiest job. G-O's a juice man. I was a juice man, baby. That's what they called you? Yo juice man, yo juice man.

Yeah, I had an orange juice logo. Wow. Like those guys are green all the Columbia or whatever. Like I sat around all day. I only had to bring out the coffee and the juice. So I barely had to work. Wow. But I would make sure that, you know, I had the ice field.

And there was this Puerto Rican dude who was kind of in charge of it. And, you know, these blood kids was coming in. It was like more and more coming. probably like three or four, and one kid came in, and he felt like that's going to be our ice bucket now. And it basically just kind of took it from him. The bloods? The bloods thought it was going to be their ice bucket.

You got to realize, too, the bloods spread like a virus. It was all of a sudden one day there was just... They recruit, they just like... There was bloods everywhere, yeah. They came in from the street, and then also a lot of people join in there for protection. For protection. Yeah. Because it's strength in numbers.

You guys don't develop us. We'll be whatever under the auspices of the... Bloods? Yeah. They had two phones. Politics is crazy. They would call one the bloodline. And I thought it was cool.

That's the bloodline. That is cool. That is cool. That's the bloodline. By the way, let me pause right now. Any gang we talk about it is with the utmost respect. Yes. And I'm just here for informational.

Would give you all the props in the world. Shout out to all my slimes out there. Oh, you gotta love the slime. But again, I'm not no allegiance on me on anybody. I love every gang gang. I have no gang gang gang. I do. You know what I used to do, I would mix it up because the Crips would say what's

would say what's cracking because and the bloods would say what's what's what's popping blood or what's popping slime so I would I would say what I would like go off into a corner and I would yell what's cracking blood and then just watch them all yeah yeah I was trying to start I was trying it was trying it was so funny to me to see them fucking speaking of Puerto Rican starting shit so this fucking this fucking guy basically like just let some have it right and he just gives he just gives the ice bucket kind of just gives it up they kind of was just like yo and then And he was making like a big deal about it.

And I told him, I'm like, listen, I'm like, first time I was like, why the fuck you let him take it from me? Because he was like in his like mid-40s. And these kids were like 20. Why you love to take it? It's like, what do you want me? It's like, I love that post-wide. Because I don't know, it felt uncomfortable.

He wasn't Latin King or anything? No. He was in there for like a pound of wheat. He was just like a, kind of like a. It was a dude who sold weed and got caught. Yeah. And then so I was just like, oh, fuck it. I do the Jews.

So I'm gonna fill both of them up because nobody drinks that shit anyways. And I'm going to make my own ice bucket. So I make my own ice bucket. And then all of a sudden he comes, he goes, yo, let me get that. The Puerto Rican dude. And I was just like, no, they got your ice bucket.

This one's mine. He's like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm in charge it. I was like, you want your ice bucket? Go get it from them. You let them take it from you. Go get it from them. So he just walked away from me,

walked right into myself. And I was like playing cards. And I had like a paper with a pencil, like keeping the score. And he just like walks away. just storms right into my room, slams the door wide open, just boom. And then goes under my bed to grab the mop bucket. So I just grabbed the pencil,

and I ran in after him, and I just stabbed him in the back of the head with it. And then I jumped on top of his back and put him in a headlock, because he was bigger than me. So then the whole time, he's just kind of, like, bumping me around in the cell,

and then people came and broke it up. And when he walked out of the cell, he's just, like, walking around all pissed and shit, and all of a sudden, he started getting, like, this big fucking welp on the back of his head. Yeah, well, the lead too, you probably, yeah, I don't know if you'll see what happens.

It's graphite, but you get, um, you get like a blue dot there. Yeah, he, it got infected. Yeah. He didn't take care of it right away. But it kept getting worse. It kept getting worse and worse. He had a big ass spot on the back of his head. That's so fucking funny.

And the craziest thing about that story is, right? This happened in 2009. I see this guy for the past year, probably like once a month because we both do DoorDash. No way, really? I bump into him at supermarkets all the time and I see him on his phone shopping for shit. Do you say hello to each other?

Are you cool? No, we haven't said anything. And yesterday he goes, I'm here shopping for somebody I got to get some ice. You need some ice? Just walk with pencils. Where's the office supplies? You know what I mean?

And I saw him literally. Like, it was probably the last day. I think it was probably Friday I saw him. And I wanted to like, like this time be like, hey, I don't know if you remember me. But I kind of apologize. You know, like, hey, listen, you know, my bad about that shit.

Because we bumped, like, the first time we saw each other, I'm like, he looked at me, and I could tell he kind of recognized me, but it's been so long that I don't know if you could tell. Maybe not place it. I know that I'm somewhere. Is it him? I always get, this hasn't happened a while,

but it did happen quite frequently. Now it's more like, oh, are you a comedian, but I used to get asked, were you upstate? And I always go, no, no, no. I'm like, upstate where? What do you mean? What are you talking about? And they'd be like, oh, okay.

Just deny it. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I don't want to say I'm a comedian. I just say you have an independent contractor. Yeah. So if I get caught, then it's not a lie. That's what I say.

Instead of telling people I do Doordash, I'm an independent contractor. That's nice. That's nice. Contractor. What do you do? A contract work. You used to have quite a few people. Yeah.

I mean, you're small. You have to, one of those things where you've got to, like, show you're not to be fucked with. What if you are someone to be fucked with? Then you're going to get fucked with. Yeah. You have to do something. It's going to be a rough time. You have to stand up to yourself to the point where they're like, all right, he's not an easy mark.

is not worth the struggle. It's almost like with comedy. If somebody just, there's always that one person that just gets bullied all the time and it just becomes that person. Yes. De Rosa in jail? Dude, De Rosa always took abuse.

I mean, now I have a good time. He always took abuse from the comics and whatever. He liked it enough and didn't like it. And then we went to Edinburgh and he was my roommate with my other roommates from the year before. And it was like a tiny Indian second generation kid,

too small, like, altie comics. And DeRosa. and I didn't prep and run anything, but the tallest one is 5-7. They just started picking on him. On De Rosa? Yeah. And I was like, dude, you just take a type.

They know you're two be picked on. It's the shoulders, man. Yeah, maybe. The lack of. That's crazy. Damn. Hi, guys, hope you're enjoying the episode. We've got to break in to tell you about the guests.

They're both great. You should follow them. You should follow both of them. Derek Drescher and Gio Perez, two of the all-time great hangs in New York City stand-up. at the stand all the time hosting and performing. Hosting is performing.

I don't know why I'm saying that. Follow Derek Drescher on Instagram at D-E-R-E-K-R-E-S-C-H-E-R. And G-O-P-E-S-C-H-E-R. And G-O-P-E-R-Z-8-6 on Instagram. Also, you should definitely get out of their podcast on the gate. If you want to start with the one I'm on, definitely start with that one. these guys on for a while, do a theme episode like this, because they're really the new iteration of Joey Diaz. They actually should get together. They would love it. Just tons of prison stories

reformed to now really legitimately great guys. You should check them out. You should follow both them and both them tell them like that you enjoyed them on this podcast. I mean, I don't think they have their passports. I don't think they can go anywhere else in the world. If I was the U.S. government, I would not allow these guys out. For myself, I got nothing. Guys, I'm almost at 150,000 subscribers so please do me a favor click in the link below to subscribe on youtube or on Spotify and I'm trying to get those numbers up it'd make me happy also I'm trying something new for the next month I've taken all the ads off YouTube no embedded ads and all I got to do is equal the money I was getting on ads I think we could

do it but it's an experiment what I'm trying is you guys chip in put a super thanks in give one dollar if I don't know, like 3% of you gave $1, then I can do this. And then I won't have to do the ads in. I won't bug you. Now, all the premium subscribers don't know because you guys have money. The rest of you who are annoyed by the ads, you'll see it not come on this week.

So if you like it, chuck a buck in. Chuck a buck with Ari Shafir. I said, also the end is now available on R.E.Shafir.com. If you purchase the end, all seven episodes for the price of five, by the way, you get two for free. Bennett, wait, wait, okay, come. Then you get every YMH live episode. Right now, it's all August 31st.

If you click on a lot right now. If you've already bought it, don't worry, they're going to send you a link when it's out, and you will get access to every YMH live they've ever had, including Joey Diaz coming out of retirement, including ring toss on a fucking butt of a gimp. Peg right in his butt. It's great.

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Let's get back to the episode. I think I got nothing left to say. Yeah, everywhere. But he's so vicious, man. That show that you guys did at Skangfest. I'm like, that guy's a fucking pit bull. He does have to keep people off him. So you've got to show you not to be fucked.

That makes sense. So this is what one time me and Rogan were in Rio. for a UFC. We had a bodyguard slash driver, and Rogan's an alarmist, and he likes the alarm. So he's like, we'll get robbed here all the time. The guy eventually's like, dude, you guys are too, like, young man, that's not who they're looking for an easy target. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That has been really desperate to, like risk a loss. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, six four, Rogan's jacked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they want to know that, like, all right, we can roll this guy easy. He's going to give us everything without putting up any, any fight, and then they could take their frustration.

You know, you know, punch a kid a couple times, something like that. Why not? Just to do it. But in jail, they know how to, like, even somebody who can handle their own, they know, there's some people that they know how to pick the weakness out on somebody. Well, they've just been there for so long. Diabolical shit. Wow.

Yeah. What's the feeling going in and saying, I'm about to give up my freedom and then go in there? I remember that shit like it was yesterday. Well, yeah, my first time, it was because it was a felony, so there was no bail. I stole a car, but the keys were in it, so it wasn't Grand The photo. I stole a car my first time, too. Grand Larston.

Really? Yeah, and I flipped it because I was drunk. Grand The car was in there, you didn't have to break, breaking in or something. I hit a cop with the car. You hit a cop with the car? Hold on, hold on. Hold on.

He hit a car, I flipped over my car. Yeah. It was a work van. None of you guys just steal and go, let me play it safe from here. You guys are driving, like, I was drunk. I was like 16, I was drunk as fuck,

and I wanted to go to a hotel. party and I was like I don't want to ride my bike there so I was just like pre-uber yeah it's pre-uber yeah this is all this is whole shit so I I was like I'm gonna break into cars and people usually leave money and I'll get enough money to get a cap but I broke into this work van and while I'm checking the glove compartment I see the keys hanging I said oh so I threw my change the day I was like oh this is great so I threw my bike in the in the passenger seat and this by the way uh this was somebody that lived five houses away from my mom's house. This was practically a neighbor.

Damn. Yeah, this was the dumbest shit ever. But it helped in the long run because I never had to pay restitution. They didn't give a fuck. It was like $7,000 in restitution. And they were just, they never followed up with it. But I took the van and I started driving towards the hotel and I realized I made a wrong turn.

So I go to make a U-turn and the van, the brakes were like done. So while I'm making the U-turn, the thing is like, all the tools are swaying one. I hear the tools go this way. And then when I turn the wheel to go straight, I hear the tools go back the other way. And all of a sudden I felt the car go, and this is like those vans, like a work van. And it just falls over this toolbox and bike fall on top of me. So I'm like kind of stuck. I get out of that.

And I'm trying to climb out, but the door is too fucking heavy to lift up. So I finally get like the door open and I'm trying to like this guy stopped and he jumps on top And he's trying to pull me out. I'm like yo yo he gets me out. I was like yo yo grab my bike grab my bike he's like are you okay? I was like yeah yeah just grab my bike and he grabbed my bike I get down and as soon as I get to go on my bike this guy grabs away wait wait wait where you going And I was just like why are you bending your car? Yeah I was like why are you leaving I was just like I look young I fucking look like a baby yeah

And he holds me there, like the whole time just holding on to my... And I'm like, I could have just like snapped out of it and left my bike, but I'm like, I don't want to leave my bike. Greedy. Greedy, dumb. And the next thing, the cops... It's like the cops. Never learned. The cops show up and they start asking me questions.

And I'm lying the whole time. I was like, oh, I don't have my license on me. What's your name? Smart. Whose vehicle is this? I lied and said it was my uncles. And he's like, yo, the names you're giving me is not coming back to anything. I denied to the last minute.

And then finally, they're like, all right, you obviously lying to us. They handcuffed me. And then I remember my mom getting there with my father, and she saw the van how it was. And she just started breaking down crying. Because she thought something happened. Like all she heard is like, yeah, your son was in an accident. And then she shows up and sees the van all flipped over and shit. And she starts bugging out.

And I'm in my, I'm like in handcuffs. I'm just like, all right, good. She's not mad. She's not angry right now. Dude, when they handcuffed me after I sold a car, my mother came down and punched me in the face while I was handled. No. Yeah.

They, like, waited for her. My mom cried when she saw this because I was 16. I got this before my arrest. Because it was so fucking. Because the crackhead got it. Yeah. Wait, so you're going in, your first day. Tell me about it.

Like the feeling. So, yes. So now I find out I'm not going home. I go to court. They're like, you're going. I had to stay for, it was like seven days for a felony. Oh, my God. And I had these Jordan 11s on when I walk in there.

And everybody in reception is like, how old are you? I'm 16. Like, I wouldn't wear that to the minor dorm if I was Jewish. These are all older people. Like, yeah, don't do that. Don't go up there. I'm like, nah, I'll be all right.

I'll be good, I'll be good. What a dumb. You're like, no experience. What an American thing is there? I'll be fine. Based on what? I got it. Appreciate it.

I'm being warned by people who have been there. Yeah. Yeah. And they'd be like, yeah, I wouldn't do that. I'm like, no, I know how to fight. I'll be all right. And then, so I had to have it in my property bag. And so you have like your property bag where they give you all your shit.

It's like a net bag. It's your laundry bag. Okay. Where it gives you like your extra clothes, your underwear, your guidebook, your toothbrush cup. Guide book. Yeah. So, yeah, it tells you like, yeah, the rule book. I have a copy of my house.

They always let you know that you get fed the bear minimum, the bear New York State minimum. It tells you, masturbation is against the rules. Yeah. You can get charged for that. Anyone ever been? Is it like jaywalking near? People get charged in reservation? Yeah.

Well, there'll be guys who like the female seals that come around. They'll just be standing at your cellar. I almost got caught by female, and she did a double take. But I was quick with that. I mean, that I can understand. If you're looking at a chick doing it.

But if you're like under the covers, slowly lifting it up, you know, it's like, come on, dude. I'm a man. Well, mine, it was just a girl that was just, she happened to walk by. She was working the dorm. But I had my pants up to my thighs,

and I had the porn's on my, On my fucking bet, my butt man's. Buttman. My evil angel butt man's had four of them laid out on the best pages. And then I had the blanket ready to just throw it over. So I just saw a flash go by me. And then I lifted my pants up like this and threw the blanket over. And she came back and she's like, are you okay?

I was like, yeah, no, I'm good. I'm just thinking. Did you guys call porn short eyes at all? No, we called them pussy books. Yeah. Always people calling it short eyes now, which doesn't make any sense to me Because the original term short eyes was a term for... You had eyes for short people.

But now all of a sudden... Shorty? The last time I was... But shorty means girl. Yeah. Shorty eyes. Some of the last times I was in, they were calling, like, the butt man's, like, short eyes. It drove me nuts.

Did you guys pick up the slang right away? Yeah. Most of the slang from the street starts in jail. Yeah, it comes out. Because there was stuff that I was hearing, like, back in jail. Then I come home, and all of a sudden, rappers are seeing it, like, three, four years later. I was like, ah. Yeah.

I'm not gonna hold you. I want to see how you guys felt. That's one. Yeah, that's, how do you feel going in there? So, dude, when I went, I remember I'm sitting in court also after the whole debacle with the car and my father comes and I'm like, pop. Like I had a good feeling I wasn't going home. I was like, pop, where everybody sent me, just, send me clothes, you know, bring me clothes. And my father's like, Derek, I don't think you're going to need clothes where you're going.

You're going to be like a dress. Yeah. You're going to be in like a jumpsuit. I was like, oh, you know, and then. Wow, what's it? Realize that? Like, oh, that's different even. Then they say they're remanding me to Juvie, right?

And then they take me downstairs on the courthouse and put me in a cell. And then another cop comes to get me to transport me to Juvie. And then they're like, what do he do? And one of the guys goes, oh, he hit a cop of the car. And he goes, he goes cuffed this asshole. So they gave me the leather belt with the fucking shackles to that. And, bro, they put them on so tight. I remember, I'm telling the cop, I'm like,

yo, I can't feel my fucking hands. My hands are, like, changing color. He ain't give a fuck. I said that once. He went and clicked them tighter. He went, let me see. Clot. Wow.

So then we're on this long-ass ride. It felt like forever, right? And then they bring me to the juvenile facility, and we come in, and then there's this lady. She comes out. She's got, like, you could take the cuffs off him now. I have them. So in my head, I'm like, all this.

lady's like she's like a protector she's going to be like a protector for me and then i start walking down the corridor over there and she looks at me and she goes uh you know how to take care of yourself right and i'm just i'm like 14 years old and i'm like i'm like my only response in that minute was i was like i was like lady i'm like i'm like a kid and she goes she goes well the boys here know how to take care of themselves very well and she's like you'll you'll figure it out it's Not your butt will. That's what she said to me. And bro, juvenile is, there's this, like he was talking about minor dorms, it's just, it's different than the adults.

There's like a little bit of reason. Have you ever seen that movie Bad Boys with Sean Penn? Mm-mm. It's like, he went to like a penitentiary, but it was like, like, it looked like just old-fashioned. Yeah, he's looking it up. So there's a scene. If you can look up the scene where he's walking into the jail, I'm like, I'm like, I'm, I didn't, I went through something almost similar to that,

but I didn't get spit on. Oh, no. And this is right with the Jordan, like I'm in the elevator, and the guy's warning me to, his young, actually the guy who warned me, he's a jail legend, iceberg. Shout out the iceberg. And he was just, he was the one telling me, he's like, yo, man, I wouldn't do that if I was you.

I wouldn't go up there, man. Those kids don't see those Jordans and they're going to warn them. And I'm like, oh, I'm going to be all right. I'm gonna be alright. They're gonna want it. Oh my God. And then I walk in and when I get into the lobby, they hand me the mattress. So I have to carry this mattress.

Yeah, you lug all that shit around. I'm like 120 pounds, five, six at the time. So I'm like walking and struggling, holding this mattress. And on the phone, I see this kid that I went to school with. So I'm just, but he didn't, he was friends with my brother, but he didn't really know me. So I went to that day. I was like, oh, hey, mom's what's up? Like, yo, I'm Rob's brother.

He's, oh, yeah, what's what's going on? And then I looked down and I see this other kid that I went to school with. But me and him, the last time we saw each other, we fought in school. So I'm like, oh, here we fucking go. But before I can even get to my bed, everybody in the dorm just came, like, when I'm sitting on my bed and stood on top of it, like, just standing around me. Like, everybody's just asking questions all at once, and I'm just kind of like, and then one kid. You're on your bed? I'm just sitting on my bed, like, because I didn't have a cell.

So there's 20 cells and then four outdoor beds. They gave me an outdoor bed. Oh, my God. So I'm sitting on the outdoor bed where everybody's standing around me. And then one kid, he goes to grab my property back. And I go to pull it back from him. And he just snatches it out my hand. He's like, what the fuck you're going to do?

And I'm just standing there just like, oh, shit. By the way, he was in there for two murders. Me and him became friends after that. He told me that what happened. And he's like shot one kid in the back, shot one kid in the stomach. But I'm happy I don't say anything to him. I'm happy I didn't try him. but he snatches the bag from me

and then starts going through my bag in front of me. And then he goes like this, he's like, all right, and then throws the bag right under my bed while I'm just surrounded by all these dudes. And then I'm just sitting there like, holy shit. And then within five minutes, some kid comes over and goes like, hey, you know Tony from school? Yeah, yeah, yeah, he said he beat your ass in school.

You're going to let him talk about you like that? So they put the battery in my back to go fight this kid. Yeah. So I ended up having to go fight this kid again because, you know what I mean? In my head, I'm like, well, I feel like a pussy now. Did he fuck you up? No, he, like, sucker punch me.

It was just like he came out of nowhere, punched me, we fell to the floor and they broke it up. And then, so I'm like, damn, I have to fight this kid now or they're going to think I'm pussy. So we end up fighting, and they kind of left me alone after that. But now he goes and steals my sneakers while I'm sleeping. Takes my Jordans away. So I wake up the next morning, my Jordans are gone.

and I start making a big mess of it. But they did replace it with some old Air Force Ones. He did replace it with some Air Force Ones. At least he was nice to do that. The Air Force Ones are not bad. Did you ever get to Jordan's back? Nope. Hi, guys, today's episode of Yuba Chippinner

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card. Just got some promotions by Cash app, a block ink brand. Visit cache. Dot app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosure. Let's go back to the episode. Oh, it got worse. So, the whole day, I just like, I ended up fighting again because somebody was just like, yo, I heard your sneakers

are in this cell. So it was like this white kid. Bar is in there. So I just, I went in the cell while the kid wasn't in there and the kid comes in and we ended up fighting. Did he have him? No, he didn't have it. Wow. Fair enough for him for fighting. that.

No, but, so the thing was they were passing them around. They were just, they kept moving them around. I found that afterwards from a kid who was in there with me that went to court. He's like, yo, just so you know

what's his name, had your sneakers. I was like, I wish I would have known that fucking 24 hours ago. And so I ended up fighting again because of that. Then the next morning, I wake up and the Air Forces are missing. They stole the Air Forces that they replaced for me.

Damn. So I ended up having to go home with the jail shoes. Like the Velcro, Patakis, and the black eyes. So I went in with the sneakers, I went home with the sneakers

and a black guy. With a nice black guy. Really? Four fights in 17 days. So does anybody like prep you for jail and prison? There's nobody in your life? Like if you're in a group home.

Those? No, the ones with the straps. Yeah. Those? Right there. Yeah, but black. Yeah. Those exactly but black.

You called Patakis or Air Wards. Yeah. Air wardens That's great Yeah Those, yep Wow And it's funny too

I mean I had a pair I had them in my house You see You see somebody wearing those though Just Stay clear They're not comfortable

Stay clear They're not comfortable Not comfortable at all No bro And if you play handball at all Like you're wearing out the tread They rip out They rip apart

You can't fight in them They're very slippery Yeah it's better for you To like fight in your bare feet And shit I fought barefoot Yeah Like when I fought

At Harington At Skankfest Vegas That one year I fought barefoot because I'm like, that's what you know. Yeah, bro, because you get a hold of somebody. You could literally just slide them all over the place. In those?

Yeah, and if somebody's in their socks, too, you could slide them also. People put jelly. Yeah. Jelly on the bottom of the sneakers to give it a grip. What are the, okay, I got some questions about just what life is like. The food and the meals. Food is horrible. And then would you all eat together and talk?

Sometimes. Okay. Some places are different. Some places you only eat in your cell. And they do that to keep violence down and people stealing food and shit like that. some places you eat altogether. It's just like the security level sometimes. And would you have, whenever it's eating together, would there be those moments of like somebody just

like juice? Yeah. And then you have to just start fighting. Yep. That happened to me that happened. For a juice. Really? Yeah.

An apple juice. Apple juice, not even a fucking lilacoy? No. Now the kid wasn't able to enjoy the juice, but I got my fucking ass kicked. I fought over a bread bag. What's a bread bag? Just an empty bread bag. Just because you can't let them take anything?

Well, no, because, so bread bags are like Ziploc bags in there. So we don't get loaves of bread anymore. Oh, yeah. They make the bread in the bakery, the inmates make them. Before we get loads of bread, and people would keep them to, like, store the cereal, to keep it fresh. And we would only get the loads of bread when the bakery was out. So it's very rare to get a bread bag. Yeah.

And I remember, like, one of the Lank of Kings was running the breakfast card. So he's like, yo, I got you in a bread bag. and I wake up for breakfast and he goes to hand it to me and this black kid he was just like, yo, no, that's my, like, he was like, we were kind of already like,

no, I was waiting for it. I was here for, and I was just like, no, it's mine. It's my bag. He promised me four thousand years ago. Yeah, it's right. Listen, I get you guys now. I get you guys.

I understand now. I really understand. So he, the guy, the Latin, just puts it on the table and when I go to reach for it, he snatches it, like, just snatches it before I get to grab it. And he's a little taller than me. So when I went to grab it out of his hand, I remember him, like, holding it up.

And just that thought, you know, like, you do the little kid, like, don't grab this. And me, I'm in the morning. I'm just an evil person. I'm the worst person waking up. So I didn't even say anything. I just hit him with a three piece. I just punched him three times. And then he put, I put him in a headlock and press him up against the table.

But then people broke it up because the guard. started hearing stuff so everybody's like yeah break it up break it up and then after that he was just like all right this motherfucker's gonna fight don't cry back yeah yeah i i threw hot chicory on somebody in the fucking morning what what so they weren't at this point they weren't giving us like real coffee it was something called chicory oh yeah that's like made from like a root or some shit and you guys get coffee generally yeah and when that shit comes out fresh it's fucking piping hot wow piping hot i should splash it dude yeah for what uh what the fuck this problem with me?

I'm trying to remember. What the fuck was your problem? Yeah, I'm trying to remember what his problem was with me. I just might have scars over their face. The guy's like, you didn't remember why he did it? Nope. So terrible. I don't remember what he did to upset me.

I remember one time, this is one of the, two times where like I could have probably been killed or had someone in my family hurt. So we're playing, we're playing spades one day. And, uh, damn, I fucking remember this guy's name. I'm getting old. You play team spades or you play individual? Team spades.

Team spades. Okay. Team spades. So there's this dude, uh, he was a nice guy, bro. He was a drug dealer. He was looking at serious time. Like he was going away for probably 25, 30 years, right? And, uh, everybody's totally, and the guys were, I'm playing with him and his boys.

Like, I'm becoming friends with them. And they're just talking and he's like, and they're like, what about you, Derek? You think you, you belong here? You think you should be here? And I go, nah, man. I don't deserve to be here. I go, I ain't some piece of shit drug dealer. and everybody just gets quiet

and they're looking at him and I'm like oh my god and then he just goes I wish everything you do yeah and then he just goes no he's right I'm a piece of shit drug dealer and he just throws a cord out and I was just like

holy fuck and then I was really nervous something was going to happen to me the next but he kind of he definitely gave me a pass he gave me a big pass then another time I the first time my daughter

I heard my daughter speak words to me was over the phone while I was incarcerated oh my gosh yeah so and she's saying she's like

daddy where you go that's what she was saying for me so I am like I gotta go love you bye oh my god

I go to my cell and I put a towel over my face because I was crying because they could let you may see it no yeah you just sometimes when guys are doing that

you know we like you know, leave him alone there's something going on it. And this biker dude, this hell's angel guy, fucking comes by my cell, he goes, and he goes, let it out, kid. And I didn't even know who he was. And I just fucking got up and I fucking threw the

power. And he was like, he was like, okay. And then I was like, all right, whatever, I didn't say nothing. The next day I'm watching TV. You know, we're all like in the wreck area and dude, something hits me in the back. I felt like I got fucking shot. And it was one of those

he took like a bunch of paper and tape and wet it and like turned it into a rock almost and he fucking slingshot it into my back. So bro, it hits my back. It's fucking, everybody sees it. So I'm like, fuck, I got to do something now. And I, I walk over to him and he goes, what? And I just get like within the space and then his foot flies past my face. Like he just kicked his foot past my face.

You know, I was just like, all right. Is this Rogan? I was just like, all right, all right, you got it. You got it, you got it, and I went sat down. So I got punked, but like only halfway. At least I got up and fucking did something. Plus, nobody in there would have had the balls to do anything like that. Speaking of punked.

Is that the term? What was the fear of you guys don't have to share anything if you don't want to? Like, what was the fear of getting fucked? I mean, to be honest with you, that stuff doesn't really happen on the East Coast. Really? There's, like, enough homosexuals that, like, if you want, From what I heard, like if you want to do that. You're not going to deal with that in county.

If you're fucking in county, you're gay. There's no, nobody getting rid of it. Because the most time you're doing this, two years. And so people don't? No, like, I, I've seen sex acts happening, but it was all consensual. All consensual. And there was some, there are some booty bands. So that's a West Coast thing because all the gays in America are the West Coast.

I think it happens more in, like, in the Feds, on the West Coast. They're like. There are some, like, legends out there, like, Felicewood. So in Rikers in the 70s, like that was more. Yeah, knock you out and just fuck your ass. Well, they're just like, we're going to fuck. So that does happen, but like not as permanent? It's not like, oh, it's going to happen all the time.

So when you hear stereotype jokes about prison or jail, you must be like, yes, or like, that's no, it's not like that. Yeah. Like if you're Hispanic, like if you're sagging your pants, it means you want to get fucked in the ass. It's all fucking. If you what? If you sag your pants. You want to get fucked. You know that whole trend of the jet that came from.

jail. People wanting to get fucked? It was because they weren't allowed to have belts anymore. That's why their pants were sagged. The jumpsuits. But I remember, that's why I found out in jail, it was an older Dominican dude who had been to prison, and I would say, you know, my pants would be sad. He's like, you know, that, in prison, that's for two things. That either means you're gangster or you're gay. What a different.

Yeah, that's very opposite sides of the spectrum. And he's like, and if you're not gangster? I remember his fucking track. Because it's different on the West Coast. The West Coast is like militant, broken down by race. Basically, like, letting your pants sag is kind of flag. An invitation. Yeah.

It's already halfway down. It's a lot of struggle. Now, since then, I've been wearing my belt. Come take it the rest of the way down, boys. Yeah. I tuck my shirt in. I'll even listen to stories of, like, West Coast and down south where I'm like, these guys are animals.

They're, like, way worse than we are. The stories I hear them tell. Well, yeah, because it's more, it's more gang. Like if, like if it in Suffolk, right, which is not as crazy as Rikers, if your crib, it's not going to be that bad for you. Right. If you're, you know what I mean? You're going to have problems. But if you can't, but in L.A., you cannot, like, the jail itself will not put a crib with the blood.

The jail itself. Because they were like, whites were whites. Oh, really? Mexicans were Mexican. Oh, sure, there's no, like, like, Oz was always like the white nationalists, the blacks or the Mexicans, the Italians, the Italians. And then the whites had to link up with the Italian. The Italians, like, we're not racist, but it's better we have allies. You have to be racist in jail.

Because Dominicans will always give me shit because I took the black people. I was friends with everybody and they don't like it. Like, oh, you're too cool with this. And I'm just like, yo, that's my boy from the town. But just be careful, you know, but just be careful. So it really was like allegiances like that? Yeah. Who'd you go with?

I was tough. It was tough. I'm Puerto Rican and Jewish. It was fucking. No, I actually, I used to go to war with the Muslims all the time, bro. all the time while they were like praying i'd like breakdance in front of them and shit that's just rude we're taking we're taking jerusalem back bitch there was this one dude his name was hasan bro and i thought like i was like i was like if

i'm gonna do something serious i'm like i'm gonna kill hasan psal or hasan's gonna kill me like because we really hated each other hated each other and i remember it was like i was getting out And he used to speak very properly. That also used to upset me. And he'd be like, oh, Mr. Drescia, do you mind if I could have an audience with you? No, like that. And I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, all right. He took like, Leonardo de Caprio from Django?

I'm like, all right, Hassan, you want to fucking. So I'm like, I'm thinking, all right, we're going to fucking get it. We're going to get it shaken. And then he's fucking did a fucking complete 180 on me. He's like, Mr. Dresher, you know you are not the same man. who walked in here. You know that, right? And I was like, what?

He's like, your child needs you. What? And your family needs you. And he's like, and you got to be there for them. And don't worry, he's like, if you stay at a trouble,

when you leave here, you'll find your people. And then I, like, almost started, I had to, like, run into my cell and put my towel over my fucking eyes again. There's no way I'm going to do that. Yeah, I'm like,

and then I'm thinking, I'm like, this motherfucker's tricking me. He's going to fucking stab me. Like, he's going to do something. But I was just, Was there much like kindness like that? You guys saw? If you see kindness like that or hear it, yeah, you don't trust that shit.

You don't fucking trust it. The Burke Chrysard Dillens by Free Waters. Wherever you go, you're going to be reminded of bird. It's like guys first coming in, hey man, you need something. Hey man, you need something. Little do you know. Now you owe double on that. Little do you know.

I've seen guys come up, put like, drugs in someone. his hand and someone would be like, oh shit. And they'd be like, yeah, that's yours. And then now you owe the money and now guess what? Now you have a contract with them that you need to buy that every month. Oh, God. Yeah. Oh, my God.

For my last charge. So what do you do? No, no, no. Like, what's your option? You give it back. Don't take anything. Don't take anything from anybody. When I was doing my last.

Unless you know them from the street. When I was doing my, for my last thing, for that snowball bullshit, I was trying to take a year up state to not do two years in county. So I, my lawyer said he got me that. So I told people I'm going upstate. So the older guys were like kind of preparing me. And they were like, if you see, if you get to your room and there's food there or any gift back, don't take it.

Grab it. Go out to the day room and say, hey, whoever this is, thank you, but no thank you. Do not accept it. Because that, if you take that, somebody come back, hey, did you like my gift? I got you. That's a contract. That's that, yeah. They're setting you up to owe them.

And you don't want to owe people in jail. I see like I remember like if you're really down on your luck some dudes that have have stores and shit like you don't have any money on your books and you like needed a bar of soap like you can go get a bar of soap but you owe two yeah now you owe two yeah yeah like there was one time because my uh my bed was close to like the TV and the tables where everybody were like gambling shit and I'm just taking a nap during the day and all of a sudden I just like hear like a fight coming towards my bed and it was this one guy who owed money and then was doing some like weird shit with the bet and started arguing about the money like he wasn't going to pay. And he's arguing with three blood dudes. This is one Italian guy arguing with three blood dudes. And what I'm talking about, like they stomped him

like he hit under my bed to stop from getting stomped out. Like I just wake up to see three dudes standing by my bed stopping somebody by him. Good morning. Bad. Like his head, like he got up and like they had to take him out like later on because the guard saw him. And he didn't snitch, but they had to take him out.

What were the wardens? Were they breaking anything up? Or you just wait until they weren't there looking? You mean like, oh, the guards, I don't know. Corrections officers? Yeah. Sometimes they don't care. Bro, the corrections officers, think about it, right?

Like, if you do a double, if you do two shifts, most of them do doubles. That's what they make their money all the time? What's the difference between you and an inmate? You go, you go home, you fucking eat, and then you take a shower, you go to sleep for six hours, and then come right back in. So, like, what's, what's? So they're not going to break anything up?

They're just as fucking sadistic and fucked up as Xanem. They're like, hey, you want us to turn off the TV? Now, if it, like, this fight's that if it doesn't stop, they have to come in. But if they're like, hey, if they yell and it breaks up, they'll might talk, hey, you know, pull somebody out or something. Most of the COs are guys that couldn't pass the psych test to become police. It's people that want to be cops, but couldn't. Yeah. Wow.

A lot of them are strokers. fucking like volunteer firefighters and shit like that too a lot of people don't care because they've been there for like 20 years and they're like um yeah some guys i think joined just to uh get the pension they get the pension yeah i'm just guy i got three years off not looking to get anything yeah like milligan he was there for like 18 years but he didn't have to deal with because he worked in the kitchen he was in the kitchen yeah is that what you met him you met him in there you worked for him so funny he was my boss for five months wow i remember that day you were like uh me and you we were

hanging and you were like I gotta stop and see him he's like he's like the booker of the club and I was like bro this is crazy get the fuck out of here I was like a guy that you knew in jail you met a club booker in prison he didn't tell me he was the club booker at the time he told me he was the head chef and a part

owner he left the booker part out conveniently head chef no it just means he steals the most food yeah I'm like you're a chef in jail chef so I was like it was believable but he never cooked so I don't even know if he could cook we used to cook his shit yeah We did his work.

Yeah. But he was the man. He would get his sodas. He'll bring it the radio. So we'd just listen to the radio whenever we wanted to. So that's a good shift. Dude, it was the best show. How do you get that?

You got to put in for it? You get lucky? So there's three inmates. And it were all Hispanic. So I talked to them. I was like, hey, when one of you guys leave, can I get that? So that's how I got it. It was something I kind of put in for earlier.

And it was just like you go for, you go during the count. So you don't got to be in your cell. You just chill, eat whatever you want. You can eat real food. and you just go for an hour and a half. So when I worked in the kitchen... I just go to eat and hang out, drink soda. He'll play like clips for us on YouTube

from the office because they had a computer there. So it's like, we'll be talking about shit and he'll just go and pull it up. And the guard that was with him was cool as fuck. So we'd just be there watching comedy shit or just whatever we wanted to watch. The beer was piss warm. We felt like Freeman that day.

That Pepsi Cola was piss warm. So the spot I was at when I worked in the kitchen, I worked in the kitchen for a fucking for a full year. Like, I just get there. They moved me to this, to that dorm. And so from what I understood, like, guys had to be there for a while to get in the kitchen. So I just get there. And they're like, you're working in the kitchen.

So then a lot of guys started coming up to me. They're like, hey, how did you get that job? You just got here. So I'm like, oh, my God. I'm having fucking problems with this. You just got lucky. So they come to get me to report to the kitchen. And I'm like, yeah, I'm not taking the job.

They're like, if you don't, we're going to have to put you in solitary. Yeah. Wow. You refuse to work? Yeah. You can go, you can lose your good time and. Everyone has to work. Well, you can refuse in classification.

But once you get to the working dorm and you refuse to go to work. That's it. You lose your good time. And they'll put you in solitary. You get to solitary confinement. That happens to my- Some guys don't work at all, but they don't get in that in a better dorm. So I was, the most I could do was like three days.

I was like, I can't do this anymore. And the guy kept coming around every day else. He was like, you're ready to work? And I was like, yo, man, people are like pressing me about it. Like, why did you give me this job? And he was just like, he was just like. Right complexion for the right connection. Yeah, yeah.

And then fucking. Yeah, they would always get the best. I finally I was like, all right, fucking I'm ready to go to work. And then I went back. I was like, guys, I did my fucking best. I'm sorry. Well, I was that? I worked in the kitchen, bro.

All the minorities worked kitchen. Yeah. And then they gave the white dudes, the outside detail laundry. They gave them the best jobs Outside details, but like gardening? Like you go clean and shit Yeah, those guys always got to smoke cigarettes and shit too They get to be out

They get to be out and about It's of sunshine. Only white people And then the people that The people that brought in the shipments Three guys, all white guys And then The last time when I was in Riverhead

That old 9 one They made a five-gallon bag of hooch So you know, like those soda things that make, that you put the syrup for like the, like the Coca-Cola machines, the syrup thing, the syrup bags. Yeah. So they took one of those. It was just five gallons. They filled it in with all types of juice that would get pineapple, orange juice, all this shit. Put raisin sugar.

And then they got yeast from the fucking bakery. It made a five-gallon, fucking hooch. And so there's two working dorm. So there's the dorm for the kitchen and then the dorm for the outside. detail laundry and all those guys, that whole side got so fucked up that they got caught. Because one of the outside details guys

was going around the dorm. He shit himself. And he had he put like, he had shit on his fingers and he was going around trying to touch people. Oh, that would get you killed, bro. He smelled it on them. That's like a salt too. It smells like meal polish.

What the drink? Yeah, they gave it some in the kitchen. And then you got to strain it too because you get all the chunks of all that shit in it. Who grows nasty. I always thought about making Hooch at home just for the fuck of it. He makes a limoncella. It's kind of the same thing. Limcello.

Does he make it in the toilet? Cos used to. Not the best way. I don't think it's going to have the taste. Make hooch. It's almost crackers in Central Park. Cos used to do these exhibits where he'd make jail food for people. So it's a gym called Combody.

Yeah. So a formerly incarcerated dude owns it and he only hires you if you've been incarcerated. Oh, it's like... Combo. Right there. There's another one. There's con butt Homeboy Industries?

Oh, no, I don't know about that one. Maybe it's West Coast. Yeah, that's a West Coast there. Okay, they just, they only hire, like, next Convicts. Yeah, so, but he, he was like a really good chef and he could make really good shit, like, you know, out of the ramen, out of Doritos.

Like, he would make, uh, he could basically turn a bag of Doritos, like, into a rap. Yeah. Yeah. And he can make cheesecake and all that shit. You'd like eat good, man. Can you guys vote? yeah yeah yeah that's

Cuomo did that fix that shit years ago they did so you're like oh I still tell people no Colmo fixed he fixed that and he fixed the I'm like I'm a felon I don't can't That's smart that's what I should say He fixed his senior problem And he fixed us phone

Oh bro I had to go to jury duty Because I have a real felon son I have a certificate of relief now So that's after your last charge If you're good for five years And you prove it You gotta jump through all these hoops You'll get a certificate of good relief

a certificate of relief of disabilities, which means that you can't, like, be, they can't hold it against you that you're, like, a felon, right? So you can start partaking in these Jerry duty and before Cuomo fixed the voting thing and all that shit. I hope that works. I don't think I can get into London or Canada. That's probably not Canada.

Canada, they turn me around. Almost definitely not Canada, anything. Drug driving once. Yep. I had a friend who had drug sales who got into conspiracy theories, and there was a conspiracy theorist in Canada who he wanted to visit. So he went through every fucking thing

he had to go through and he helped him. And he's like, yeah, I had to go to the consulate. I had to get like a letter from him, letter from my job, show him that I haven't been in trouble for a while. So I started looking into that because of JFL. I'm like, oh, if I ever want to apply for JFL, I got to get in there.

And when I'm answering, they're like, what are your charges? I was like, oh, truck charges, drug sales. Like, all right, anything? I was like, yeah, weapons charge. I was like, nope. Yeah Nope

Weapons charges Nothing I need Drake To help I need Drake I need Drake Rogan or Trump To get me in there Or I know

I know how to snog myself in I know how to get into Canada Yeah You know what I mean But get around They gave me so much shit When I tried to get into Canada I was only gonna be there

For like a day They still they're not They were like no They were like no They're like You flew over your house Because I went from Mexico Right to Canada

And then I was coming Back to To over your house Yeah they're like You flew over your house house, you're only here for a day. And then you're, and then you're, and then you're just leaving. So I had to stay in the airport, and then they put me on the next flight.

Damn. Back to. What are the toilets like? Metal. In each, in each room? Yeah. They got good water pressure, though. The seat that goes up?

No. No, there's a slam somebody's head. No. It's just a metal fucking bowl. Sustainless steel bowl. How, how was shitting on it? Was it, was it? Because the seat goes down so you don't fall in the, there's no.

I'm saying like, so how do you shitting it? You sit on it? You sit on it. You can like, you don't fall in. You got to take your pants all the way off though when you shit. Why? I shit through my pants. In case somebody tries to run up in there and you're not.

You can't be pulling up. Yeah, you can't be fucking easy to push over. Yeah. If you have problems somebody, I would shit. Who teaches you that? I, I knew a couple guys that said they did it and I just started doing it. Yeah. Do you piss standing up?

Of course. Yeah, unless you have a fucking cellmate who's going to fucking beat the shit out of you and make you peace stance it. down. What would you do with like the little tinkle, you know little tinkles in your own bathroom that like a little splash, you gotta wipe up once in a while? Yeah, you wipe it up. Dude, I had a, a cellmate once. He's an old black dude. He wanted you to pee sitting down? No, no, no, no. So we pee sitting down here, Gio. No, no, no. After I peeed, he wanted me to wipe it, dry wipe it with a toilet paper, then hit it with the spray and then wipe it with the spray. Yeah. Every time.

Yeah. Every time I took a piss. You would do that? He would do that? He would. He would. He was, listen, I wouldn't do that. He was anal. But when you looked at his teeth, I'm like, how are you this germaphone when all you should have rot? Yeah. What the fuck? Like, you have, like, all your shit is black.

And he was such an OCD person, but I look at his teeth. I was like, it doesn't make sense. Bro, some guys only do well in there. And I got lucky in love. And I didn't have a cellmate for four months. Really? And people were so, like, yo, how the fuck is that possible? I was not getting a cellmate for four months.

Is it better not have? Do you get along with your cellmate generally? Or do you try to? Or do you like? Yeah. You gotta live with the guy. They took it away now. They don't.

And nowadays, nobody. It's illegal to have two people in such a small space. Oh, you don't have to bunk beds anymore? They built all new, they built so many new places and so many new wings. So it's just a shelf now. I use it as a shelf. I use it as a shelf. You all get your own room.

Yeah. That must be way better. We all got our own cell. We got our own cell. Right, right. That's not petty by time. It's lights out and you just got to, like, have your lights out. Yeah, they dim.

Some places. It's not lights out. It's not dark. It'll be like a little one. Wow. It'd be like a tiny one, like a, but yeah. I gotta take a piss real quick. Yeah, go for it.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You gotta get that bladder fixed, buddy. Did you have, did you have the thing of when afterwards where you're like, now you're more easily able to sleep with without having like pitch black? Yeah, like I could, I could sleep through anything. But then I had this thing for the longest where like wherever I would sleep, especially while I was incarcerated, I would sleep with my back up against the wall.

All right. Not like towards the wall. Right. in case yeah just for safety and i i continued to do that for a long fucking time afterwards and just had a habit just had a habit and then the way i ate too i would eat so fast to stop anyone from any trouble just stop for anybody from coming or just you know get get it over with and get back to would you have girlfriends tell you to slow down girl girlfriends my mother yeah it's like you're not in prison my mother yes my mother would say that all the time and i

used to just think too where i i would put one arm in front of the plate really yeah and then i would just yeah and I would just house it damn yeah I was hard to break now I'm starting to finally break out of like all that stuff how long ago was the last time you were in the last time I was in let me see what I got I got about 12 years now probably around

10 10 and a half years ago I was already like clean like you know no drugs in my system and shit like that but there was an old warrant I had so so you got to serve that warrant So a lot of people where I was out were like, dude, don't turn yourself in. But I remember at that time in the subways, they were like, the cops could ask to see your ID and shit like that.

Yeah. And if they run your ID and see you have a warrant, you're going to get arrested. I was like, it's better. I just turn myself in. So I turned myself in and I'm like, I'm asked the cop, I go, do you know what this warrant is for? was they couldn't they didn't know and I he was like nah it's just a bench warrant so I'm like I bench warrant not that bad so I get to court and uh it was for a fine I didn't pay for like a fucking trespassing or something very light in years earlier and I was like oh I have I have the money like I have the money and the judge is like where is it I was like it's at the jail the money's at the jail in my property property I could pay I can pay to get out. You left jail without taking your property?

Well, no. When you're bringing you to court, you don't bring your money with you, right? So. Oh, wow. So fucking, I'm like, let me out. I'll come bring the money. And he's like, no. And he's like, absolutely not.

He's like, no, there's no way I'm doing that. He's like, I can't just. He's like, you'll run. You won't pay. You got to pay. And he's like, how much you have in your property? I think I brought like I had like $800 in cash on me And uh

Because I was expecting I didn't know what the warrant was for I was like I might be here for while I need to have some Commissary money and I could fucking eat good and not have to eat the shit they serve you But he like made a memorandum That you know this much money out of the money that I had was gonna go to the court and they let me walk And then you went and got it turned right out Yeah man it was it was done that was the last time I got locked up but I will say when I walked into the tear, right?

You know, and at this point I'm like 33, 34 years old. I remember starting to go fucking gray and my beard and shit a little bit. And I just remember walking in and being like, I'm just looking around. I'm like, I don't know nobody here. It was all like just young kids and fucking... It was the opposite for me.

When I, like, last time I went in, when I realized I knew so many people from different jail bids, I was like... Because from that first time, I only knew people because of from school. Now I'm, like, bumping into people. Like, oh, I was locked up with you in 2005. I was locked up with you over here.

I was locked up with you over here. And that's when it started hitting me. I was like, holy shit. I was way too many people in jail. That day, I went up to my cell. I fucking, I tore my t-shirt in half and I just wrapped it. Put it over your face and started crying. I got to start doing that.

I got a great way to do it in public. I just, I just crying with a towel. You think this is getting a hot towel shave? I wrapped it. I wrapped it around my hands. And I was like, fuck it. I was like, and I left my cell door open. I was like, let me see if they fucking,

I was like, first one that comes in is going out. The rest of them, I get him. But they never came. Wait, why were they going to come? Just, they, bro, they're all young, black and Spanish kids. And I'm just like this fucking older white dude. And at this point, like, you know, I got my, I just look different. You know, I had like a collared shirt on.

And I look like a complete fucking herb, you know. Damn. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, I got to a lot of some questions. I'm looking at myself. Like, would I press me? I'm like, yeah, I would press me for sure.

Yeah, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When you did have some, mate, you had to take a dump in the middle of the night. Was that, like, don't do this in the middle of night. Yeah, that was the rule. Don't do it when we're locked in.

Yeah. Shit when we're out. Like, if you got a shit. Piss is fine. Yeah. Piss is fine. Yeah. We try to hit the side of the, was there water in the bowl?

Yeah. We'd try to hit the side so it wouldn't wake each other up. No. You would just piss. It's kind of hard. But, you know, the- It's still metal. The water pressure on them toilets was crazy.

Good. The flush. Yeah. The flush. So, dude, then you hear stories in certain prisons of, like, somebody getting killed, and then they'll chop you up into little pieces

and flush you down the toilet. Wow. Yeah. That's what they have here where there's no back to the toilet in New York City ones where there's no space. Yeah. It's just the thing. Yeah.

Just get you in. I should fucking suck your balls down there, bro. Mine are. Really? It's great. Everyone, I flushed an ass shit today, and I was like, I'm gonna do it courtesy. I'm gonna do one in a bit else but didn't build up too far.

And then I was like, this is a mistake. Man, if it was lower with more power. This is a song, I was like, when I shit, my dick touch the water. My dick touched the water. Did you guys make friends and keep friends? No, I never talked to anybody. People who give me the information, I'm like,

I'm not gonna reach out to you. In the back of my mind, I'm not gonna reach out to you. Yeah, no, I don't. There's people that I'm still friends with it on Facebook. Younger kid, but he's still out doing same shit, so I don't want to be around that. So just a couple months ago, I went to go get like a new ID at the DMV. Yeah, real ID. And the guy who's working the ID booth I was locked up with.

No way. I was like, holy shit. He goes, how you doing, Derek? I go, Jimmy. I go, fucking look at you. Government job, buddy. He goes, yeah, yeah, they hire us. And that was it.

That was it. And you had friendships while you were in there? You have friendships while you're in there, but once you're like, all this guy's leaving in two weeks, like you kind of start, like I would start reeling it back in. You know what I mean? That's how in Hong Kong and Shanghai, all the expats that are there, all the relationships are like temporary because they're like,

we're all on about a three to five year contract with our banker job. So it's like you're two years in. I'm six months in. So it's like, borrowed time. Once you're leaving, you're leaving, I'm staying. Yeah. So no one gets that serious. Yeah, yeah.

You have a goodbye party, but that's it. Yeah. My boy Half the guys are coming right back anyway My boy who called me from the feds Like years ago We went to Harlem To go by weed

And he's like Yo my boy that I was locked up with upstate This is my guy We shared a bowl This is my dog He's gonna get us some weed So he takes us around To shop for Bud

And we're sitting there waiting I think I gave him like 1,200 My boy gives him 400 Oh no You guys got beat So he's just like So we're going

Like, it sounds good. We share the bowl, man. Share the ball. You had no choice. And the dude, like, when the dude came, I was like, you know, I'm always skeptical with everybody. I have trusted issues with everybody. But I'm like, he says he's cool.

I'll take his word for it. But I sit in the car and my boy goes in the building with him. And now they're sitting there probably like 20 minutes past by. I'm like, yo, what the fuck is happening? And all of a sudden, my boy, he comes back and he's like, like, he's on his flip phone. He's like talking. And he comes up.

He was like, yo son, I think I just got God. I think he just got it. I was like, what happened? He's like, nah, bro. He said that, like, they went to walk up. He's like, yo, my boy's coming down real quick. He's like, just wait right here. And then he said while he was talking to him,

he goes like, yo, you got a lighter? He's like, no, he's like, hold on. I'm going to go grab a lighter real quick. Like, let me get the money. And then he said he grabbed the money and just never came back. So I was like, you fucking. That's what I'm like, I'm not going to fuck with nobody.

I'm like, I met you in jail because you were a piece of shit. We could be friends here because we're both here. Yeah. And you get close to someone because you're with this person. You know, you're around these people all day, every day. 50 said it best. 50 said it best. I might talk to you while we're up in the pen,

but when we come home, don't mean we're going to fucking be friends. Wow, that rhymes too. That's great for that type of genre. He also had another one. He was like, he's like. He's like, he's like, uh, guys in jail, they put tears and their pillows in the dark because if they did it in day, people would question their heart.

Mm. I was thinking of that bar when you said the whole crying thing. I was just like, I know I fucked it up, but it was sending along. I know dark and heart. Eventually, the more you go in and out. Borderline rhyme. You just get like. I'll allow it.

I'll have to hear you say it, but 50, more like 45. As a renowned battle rapper now, it rhymes. It works. It rimes. By the laws of M&M, anywhere it can rhyme. What are the beds like? Horrible. The mattresses.

Yeah, a little thin. It's like a gym mat. I think like Bob Barker own the company that made him or something. Bush, I know the Bush family was involved in like the food, like the food distribution. There's money in that, huh? So much money. Yeah, they call it the prison industrial complex or something. But we had the tan ones.

Yep, mattress and linen. You get a pillow too? No. No pillow. No pillow. I got a pillow. I didn't get a pillow. In a couple places.

Oh, no. One of the last places I did, I had a stomach. for my fucking jumper. It had a bump in it already. That's your pillow. Yes, that's right. That's right.

I got lucky. The company name is Bob Barker, but they have no affiliation with. Oh, really? That's like the Bill Murray Comedy Club and wasn't. They're just like, people like, why is it called? They're like, we think he's cool. The price is right.

With a focus on reducing recidivism. So me and, um, uh, uh, uh, fucking Kevin Isso. We're driving from Tucson. back to Phoenix for a flight. A couple hour drive. And we get a text we were halfway through saying flights to late six hours.

Maybe it was a three or four hour drive. But we're like, let's take a scenic route. Let's get off the highway. We got time to kill. We're already gone. So we drove through like the deserts and stuff. Found some old Mojave like ruins and stuff. It was pretty cool. Then we came across some building. It said

we didn't know what it was. It was a prison. We had no idea. And they were like, reducing recidivism since 1982. Like, what does that mean? We had to look it up. There's nothing around it. And we could see where their windows would have been to stare at. The only thing around it, this really got Kevin hard.

He goes, was Cottonfields. Really? And he goes, if you're black, which high chance you are in there. And you're looking out as like, my only way out of here is back into some sort of slavery. They're just at the window like, damn, I got to get out there. But there is new modern day slavery. Because like I said, so we do, we feed the inmates, we clean the clothes, we clean the jail, they do. For someone else's profit.

Yeah, yeah. Yes. They're making money hand over fist, brother. Nobody gets paid for that. Instead of them hiring somebody who's going to come in. Right. They're not doing. Within says, hey, everyone's got to pitch in like a community.

Bro, in Commonwealth States, when you get out, you owe the state money. Yeah. For your room and board? For your room and board. And if you don't pay, they, you go back. When my father came home from the feds, they gave him a water bill. What? Yeah, they gave him a bill.

You need a water bills in New York. Yes, you're saying. You got from the fed, and what the feds is doing with all that money? What are we doing with our income tax? Use that shit. Yeah. I mean, that's an obvious one.

I can see making profit, like, let me get the, let me get the contract to, like, make all the clothes. Okay, sure. But then like, how do you make the clothes? We'll hire people. Like, no, get free labor. Free labor, yeah. Bro.

But the water bills crazy. Like, I mean. There's call centers in jail. There was a prison in upstate New York is closed down now. Call centers. You could call somebody in. Yeah, the DMV? If you call the New York State DMV,

there's a good chance you're talking to somebody who's incarcerated. Yeah. A hundred percent. Also, there was a prison upstate. They closed it down now. It was one of the best ones ever. It was called Orange. It was this Orange Correctional.

Orange County. No, not Orange County. Orange Correctional and Warwick. It was on a, it was a beautiful fucking, like a state, bro. It was gorgeous fucking flowers. And the inmates there, trained service animals. that's what they did they trained service animals

what's the toughest ones you guys remember being in like the worst ones the worst ones for me yeah for the minor dome I was in the same two jails riverhead and I did Queens booking

for three days but the minors being with adolescents because you just you're just a young thunder cat and everything heals so quickly mentally and physically

and your kids are ruthless ruthless I remember one time I was just standing there and one of my friends just pegged me with orange from across the dorm just because... Just to do it. And then I threw up mop bucket of water,

my bucket on top. It was just dumb shit. Dude, some kid hit me with a fucking pear. I was outside the laundromat on just walking, on B and like... Who's fuck? Probably G. Be in like 11th.

And I just felt something. I was, what the fuck? And it was a pair kind of bounced, like a couple of... And I looked at these two kids, one was looking, and I was like, and they must be like 16. I'm like, but I'm like,

I don't want to fight these two 16-year-olds. I'll lose if they both fight. And then it's like, what's fucking idiots? Yeah, kids are took it. Our student. The guy's back of my fucking members only jacket. Just left his stain. We need more racism.

Think about, remember the classes in, like, in high school where they had like those bad kids where it's like four of them, but there's like eight teachers. Yeah. Imagine those kids in a dorm all day, 24 hours and all those supervision. One person watching them. And they're barely in there. They go out to the lobby. They barely in there.

Bro, there's some places I go to you. It would be like four. Lord of the Flies. Like four, like, not tears, but just four separate areas. One CO in a bubble in the middle of them. Just so he could see all of them. Like in that movie. Hey, show that clip.

I want to see that clip. Oh, yeah. That, oh, man. This is wild. That's, when you see something like that, you're like, yes. That's real? I've been, I've been incarcerated. That looks like real?

I've been to something like that, but with adults, though, not with minors. Yeah. With minors, it was like the small line. That's what present. looks like. Wow. And it mind you, so this is, the dorm is probably smaller than from this green tarp

to that table. The what? The dorm. It's just like this small thing and then it's just a cell. Hey, I think, if that's a way, I don't know if you can find this, maybe on AI or something. I think that scene in there might have been used later

as the station for 21 Jump Street. It looked exactly like it. The jail? Yeah. I wouldn't doubt it. Because I know there's an L.A. like jail they use for movies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That I've been in and it's right next to a hospital that used for movies. Like, walk through a door, it comes a whole different, like, scene.

It looks so similar. I don't know. See if you can find it. Six best prisons for rent in Los Angeles. Yeah, what that movie was in 21 Jump Street. I would fucking love it if it was the same thing. That's a fucking good eye if you caught that shit. Not the sequels.

It's the originals I'm talking about. Yeah. with Johnny Depp and shit. Yeah, any one of the comments, fucking let me know if he can't find it. I mean, I may be way wrong, but what was it filmed in? It wasn't as bad as that,

but it was close enough where you just see, everybody sees you coming in and all of a sudden they're like, oh, new guy. Wow. You got like 20 people just standing around you. Also, I'd be like, would you join in with that when other people came in? Hell no.

I ever did no shit like that. I was too, like. Spitting someone's face. They don't even know them yet. Yeah. All dreams were shot in location in Illinois. Okay. Okay.

Rain for a juvenile clerictional facility. No, it can't be then. There's no way those guys, there's no way Deb went to Illinois. So that, bro, the film was the Illinois Youth Center they used. So go to show more. Interior jail scenes and the prison block scenes were filmed on a large two-story second struck and aside the formal naval armory. In Chicago.

Yeah. Adult prison with a character McBrary. Is that the Jolay Prison thing? there was one time I think it was my senior year in high school I got locked up like half my senior year in county jail

and one of the fucking I was on the phone you went to prom in jail yeah that's the last thing you want to do you know how black people do prom send off taking you to prom. The prom send off was lit

but I was on the phone it's like 20 minutes before the count and we used to to use phone call. You got to go on your cell for an hour, half hour, half hours. Make sure, yeah, they make sure everybody's there. There's protocol that they do. But you have to lock in twice a day for that.

I got a good lock-in story I'll tell after this. And we used to use like, you know those international calling cards? There was a way to hack the phone systems to use those. So instead of collect calling people, you like, you know when it says say your name, you just you fill it with sound. it's a weird thing. You just fill it with sound and then hit like pound three times

and it hacks the system some weird way and then it lets you put in the card. So you put in the number you do pound pound pound pound pound and then it clicks over does some shit and then what people do

they get like a 300 minute calling card and then just people just use it. So it's like oh you use my card or use my card if you got a card because every time you disconnect and reconnect it drains it so people realize oh, just let it run. Everybody uses it.

Yeah. So I had, I had like a half hour, like, slot left, and I was on the phone, and the kid asked me, and say, hey, you think I could make,

like a five-minute call? I was like, I'll see because I still gotta call my mother after. I'll see what I could do. So I didn't promise him anything. But then, like, it's like almost like

10 minutes left to the county. He comes again. Yo, what's on? I'm like, yeah, I don't think I could do it. And he started getting, like, upset. And then while I was on the phone talking,

he hung up the phone. like right because the guard was like yo guys get ready as soon as he said get ready for the count i guess he realized he wasn't going to use the phone he hung up on me and also the guards right there so i was like i can't do nothing now so we kind of like just argued or whatever and then like the next day we just kind of like kept our distance and i was in the back of the dorm playing cards with somebody but the night before i knew something was coming so i took the plastic spoon and if you bend the top off like back and forth and cut it off, it makes kind of like this T-shaped

that's sharp on both sides. And I broke it off and, oh, no, no, sorry. The toothbrush. They give you a state toothbrush. Nah, it wasn't the spoon or was the toothbrush this time, man. I'm thinking about the spoon. That's my other one. I mixed up the spoon and the, no, this one was the spoon.

This one was the tooth brush, my bad, my bad. I was mixing up. I was mixing it up with a story. Were you sharpening the toothbrush on the floor? No. So I had a rush spot on my bed. like right under my mattress and I took the state toothbrush

on the dull end and just started sharpening it. What do you give it when you get the rust in there? What do you get? Tettinist. Tennis. Get some motherfuckinness. So I sharpened the shit out of it the night before and I just kept it in my sleep because I'm like, yo, if he's going to do something, it's going to happen.

You know what I mean? Because after everything I said. So I'm in the back playing cards and he comes and kind of stands kind of close and the guy I'm playing cards with As soon as he's just like, yo, yo, come on. Take that shit away from myself. And I start reaching in for the toothbrush.

And he fucking just clocks me. Boom! Knocks me on the floor. And I already have it in my hand. So I just jump up. Like, this is the first time I got knocked down, but I didn't get knocked out. You know what I mean?

Like, he knocked me down. And I just jumped up from the adrenaline. And I just started, like, locked up with him. And I started hit him in the ribs with him. And you just hear him scream. He's like, ah! Ah! He's poking me!

He's poking me. He's poking. They always do that. It's not breaking skin, but it's hurting it. You know what I mean? Because it's just like a sharp metal plastic hitting him. And they break up the fight because the guard comes. And I'm just sitting in the back.

My adrenaline's going. And he's on the other side. And I see him. He keeps looking at his hand. He keeps, like, grabbing his hand. And at one point somebody came, he's like, yo, he fucking broke his hand when he hit you. He broke these two bones.

They were like, he broke the bone. Like, they were like sticking up. Because he didn't punch you properly. Yeah, he hit me with. this. Yeah, you got to hear you. And as soon as I heard that, I'm like, round two in my head. All right, he can hit you now.

Yeah, I'm like, let's go. So it's, and you could tell in his head he was not ready to fight. So he kept his eye, but I just kept, I just walked this B-line. As soon as I saw the guard leave, I just beeline towards him and went for the second round. And they broke it up quick, but I got, I got a, even though I stabbed him the first one, I feel like I did better the second time. Damn. Because I was just like he had, he had no hand.

that's solid that's your story we're going to tell so we got put on a lockdown one time and this is like a lockdown where like you only left your cell to get your food and then you went right back to your cell

no showers no phone no nothing like nobody was allowed to do anything and the reason why they put us on this lockdown was because they the cops the correctional officers heard rumors that somebody had a firearm. Somebody snuck a pistol

into the prison. Like that is that's what they thought. So we're on lockdown for days, for days. That's gotta be a real no-no. Do we're going to get hit too easily? Yeah, we're going fucking but we're going bonkers. So that and then they're saying, oh, it wasn't a gun.

They found a bullet. They found a round of alive ammunition, whatever, all this horseshit. But what it really was was there was this crazy Italian kid who fucking he cut cardboard up. into the shape of a gun and he fucking like glued it all together and he was going up to the cameras and like flashing this cardboard gun i've seen people make roses at a toilet paper so so they're

flipping everybody's cells fucking every day i mean bro we're going crazy it's like day four day five and we're everyone's finally just like ah ah ah fucking let's we're fucking kicking our cell doors you know what i mean and then um lieutenant comes through he's like all right guys he's like all right guys we figured it out, we figured everything out, we're gonna, we're gonna let you out for an hour before, before lights out, you're gonna be able to come out for a little bit, and everything will be back to normal tomorrow. So the CO that was on,

we used to like fuck with them, right? And somebody must have been fucking with them. So it's about time, an hour before it lights out, and we're like, all right, fucking cells should be popping. They press a button, all the doors. It goes, click, click, click, click, click, click, everything opens, like in a circle. And he's not popping.

popping us out. So someone's like, hey, you, CO. Yo, CO, fucking. He goes, what the fuck? Let us out. And he goes, he goes, he goes, shut the fuck up.

The CEO, he just yelled, shut the fuck up. And everybody got quiet. And he goes, I got permission from the lieutenant to keep you locked in for the rest of the night. I got permission. And everybody's just like, And somebody just goes, yo, CO. And he goes, what?

And he goes, you have permission to suck my dick. And everybody just fucking, bro, you want to talk about a pop? Bro, that place was fucking rocking. It was just all that tension built up. And then we all just let it out with a fucking laugh. And we'd stayed in for the rest of the night, but we were back out the next day. That's so funny.

It was fucking hilarious. Was there good humor in prisons and jails? Bro, that was probably one of the best live jokes I've ever heard in my life. I mean, comedic timing set up. You had to create the moment for that joke to work. You can't recreate that. This is dude, I can't remember his real name, but we called him Pops, and he had one tooth. He had one tooth.

And he was like one of those black dudes that were like, he had a deep voice, but he would make it like high-pitched. sometimes when he get like into like you're like, like, yo man, we've walked in the door my man, like, hey, I don't see, man, like Danny Brown. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's up like Danny Brown. He talked like Danny Brown rap. Yeah, and he had the teeth like Danny Brown. Some of the most fucking...

He'd have the guards dying lap. Yeah, bro. He was just funny. He was just on all the buses. And you meet talented people while you're incarcerated. Like, uh, like, I've seen coffee machines made from like a sock. Were the good singers and stuff too? Bro, there was one kid that used to make him sing all the time.

I felt so bad for. He'd be like, yo, sing this, and he'd be like, I don't know it. And they would, like, make them learn it. Yeah, they had a voice like an angel, bro. You know, what's that? If I had them singing, I believe I could fly bar. Shied. And if I ever.

One time we were locked down and everybody was singing it. Really? And I'm hitting it with it. And they're like, Gio, is that you? And they made me sing. Yeah, they made me sing. Yeah, bro. I got them pipes, man.

Yeah. They made him. That kid Chris, I felt bad for him, man. Because they were teaching him, like, two new songs a day. Poor Bass. They made Arkellie sing. They made him. Yeah.

I think he made him sing to somebody's daughter, like, for her birthday or something. I know there's a bunch of inmates is like, because I'm, if I'm locked up with R. Kelly, and I, you know, I don't give, listen, man, you're a piece of shit, but. Fucking do it. Yeah. Sing for my baby mother. He's probably like you. You're fucking killing me right now.

Did you guys ever think about killing yourself? All the time. Yeah. When I woke up. No, I mean, in there. Oh, a lot. Dude, I got on suicide watch once because when I got my gun charge, they're like, oh, what did you get this? I was like, I was going to kill myself.

So I got put in the fucking dress for like three days. And it was the fucking worst thing ever, bro. It was the worst. Because it's just like a teflon dress. You get no underwear, no socks. No dead sheets. No bed sheets. And then they have the air conditioner on blast because the fucking guard sits right there and watches four people.

And there's no TV. It's just like you're in the box With no underwear Damn, what's the box like? Box is horrible, bro, people go crazy I lost my mind in there I know, I know How long would you should be in there?

Four months I know a guy that did 23 and 1 Is it 23 hours on? You get an hour out It's even worse And like Max prisons bro I know a guy that did eight years

And in the box Like the he's Prison Box Yeah, this is prison box So he didn't even get to like Go do wreck with other people When it was time for him To get his wreck

another door would pop open in the back of the cell to outside. And you just got a fenced-in area out there. By yourself. By yourself. And you could just walk around. Yeah. Walk around in circles. Did you come out crazy?

Some you can't even go use the phone. They have a fucking phone with a roll of telephone wire and they roll it to your cell. The CO dials the number for you. They pass you the... I would have rather that because the first time I went to yard in that dress, I saw somebody, because it's three yards. I saw somebody I knew in the other one. Like I'm Tio!

No, what I got you in the dress for? And you had to say, I'm cold. What would you get in there for? Like, it was just a level of punishment? Yeah, like, if you are doing, like, a serious bid and you just are fucking people up and stabbing people, like, yeah, there's just like, all right, you're going to do your time in the box now. Like, you're going to the box.

You're too much trouble to deal with. Yeah, you're too much trouble with you need to be separated from everybody. It's like those supermax jails. The shoe. It's like, yeah. Segregated housing unit. You ever see that, was it a cartoon network show, Super Jail? No.

It was like on a planet. The whole planet was a jail. And it was like the worst criminals in the universe. No, I should check that out. But I have no relation to it like you guys said. We wanted to make an animated show called jailbirds. So it was like the crows were like black. He called us the jailbirds one time.

Yeah. And I was just like, what if we made a show with actual birds in jail? The crows from Dumbo? Yeah, the racists a little bit. Pigeons, crows, owls. The Eagles, the warden. You know, the crows are the black people. Pigees would not be bad because also the like the undesirables of the society.

Those are the Italians, the good friends. The Good Feathers. This is the fucking winter show. So Too Badders is not a single network anymore. Bro. The cartoon network sucks now. Did you guys ever get stabbed? I got slabs.

I got stabbed. That's what that is? I was looking. I didn't even make the connection. I thought you laid wrong on something. Sleeps hard. He sleeps hard, Ari. He's trying to stop.

Really? Yeah, trying to like grab my jacket. My jacket because he was pulling onto my jacket. And somebody had told me like in jail. They're like, yo, somebody is cutting. You. throw your jacket over your face. And then I, in that moment,

I just happened to remember that. And he cut through the jacket and hit my neck. Wow. Yeah. What about you? I just got stuck right here right at the top of the ass, playing basketball, and everybody ran away.

I never even saw who did it. You don't know who did it. You were suspects? There was this gay dude. I stabbed him, so I think it might have been one of his. That's got to be a, it's got to be a motive. He's got a motive.

It was over a bag of Doritos. Oh, shit. Yeah, I got a, What flavor? Better have been the red. No way, ranch you're doing that. It was red. Yeah, nacho cheese.

Red or purple? It works. Red or purple? Purple. Oh, that's new. It's spicy. What's that the chili? That's sweet, sweet spicy.

That's the best one. If you haven't had the purple one, try the thing. Nah, red is. Purple one's five. Red is where it's at. I eat ranch. Red's where it's at. Here's the deal.

You might like ranch better, but if you're at a party and you've got to pour one into a big thing, you know, to like for everybody, the odds of somebody not not liking ranch or high. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's gonna like a red. Yeah, everyone's gonna like the nachos, yeah. Plus, the ranch kind of smell weird. They smell, they make your breath smell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got pistol whip, too. By who? It was a random thing. He thought he, he, my cousin was like a big drug dealer in this apartment complex. I'm sorry. And he had got a Beamer.

Yeah. And I told him not. A beamer for the black listeners. That's a, that's a BMW. Sorry, a BMW. You got a BMW. And I told them, I'm like, Like, you live in a black neighborhood.

Everybody in there is going to think you're a millionaire now. And you're going to be a target. And probably like two weeks after that, we were supposed to go hang out with some girls and he dropped me off in my car in front of his house. And he was like, no, he told me, no. He's like, yo, let's just go to girls. I'm like, I don't want to leave my car there and pick it up later.

So I'm like, take me there now. And when he dropped me off, I realized I forgot the key in his car. So now I'm waiting at my car for him to come back. And while I was there, this kid just walks up. And it looked like he had to be like 16. I think I was like 22 at the time. Young kid, like from the baby, you know, tall black kid. He's like walking by.

He has his hand in his pocket. He's a knapsack on. So I'm just thinking probably going home, coming home from basketball. And I'm kind of looking at him from the corner of my eye. And all of a sudden I see him just pull out this fucking big cannon. And when I heard the cock, my first thought was like, I have. so much problems around here. Is this something coming back?

I don't look like I'm going to, like I hurt, and he cocked the gun. So as soon as he cocked the gun, he grabs my shoulder and I hold on to him. And I don't know how, but I end up grabbing his arm. And now we're like kind of fighting, like I'm holding his arm away. And we're like struggling back and forth. And he did like this kind of like push and pull thing. And then in the moment when he did that, he lifted up the gun and it popped me in my mouth, split my lip open.

That's why I have like this lump here. Yeah. And it knocked this little tooth out. Oh, oh. Yeah. Do that again? Damn, I should have brought mine, too. Yeah.

That happened in 2009. Face him and did it one more time. He's seen me. I'm, I have like, I have like, I have a way. It fell out. We had to find it. We had to find it.

You had to go find it. Yeah, bro. I was like, this cost me $500. Who found it? I think I found. Oh, somebody's foot felt it. Like, it's right here. I was in Great Barrier Reef and somebody's wedding ring came off.

My dive partner's running ring came off. And it comes up. His wife wasn't diving that day. We're on like a liverboard. And he was like this. She goes, what? And she goes, no, what? Because he just slipped off with the water.

I don't know. And they go, the whole staff, they're all like dive instructors. But they all have to be cooks and do everything. Yeah. They go. Treasure hunt. Let's go. And they all went in.

And just like, we get to search for as long as we can. and then they found it. Get the fuck out of here. There's like currents also and stuff, but they're like, let's go, what a game to play. It's right around here. The lady dropped, she goes, when she where we was diving with,

like dropped her weight. She goes somewhere around this weight. But still, with coral. Yeah, that's sick. They were so stoked to find it. We couldn't believe it. That must have been, because even with mine, it took me almost like two, three minutes

to find it, and it was right there. And there's no current. Right. You know what I mean? There's no sand or anything. And you were drunk as fuck. I was fucked up. Yeah.

And bacon in the sun all day. Yeah, I got burnt that day. I got two questions for you. What was, wherever visits like? There were the best part. Yeah. That's what you waited for.

That's what you, you know, you counted, be like, oh, I got 39 more visits left. Yeah. And sometimes it'd be hard because, like, one,

he was like, when, with the daughter thing, my daughter came. Oh, yeah. And, and, uh, that was rough.

Yeah, she was just like, you know, she was kind of, I kind of used to she's been going for a little bit, but she's only like three years old. And then one time she hits, Mommy, is Daddy gonna come home with us this time?

Oh. And then she starts, my baby mom starts crying, like from saying that shit. And it almost starts getting me, and I got mad at her. Yeah. And who's her, the mom? And I got mad at the mom. For bringing her, chill the fuck up.

But that's me trying to, like, not cry. Yeah, and I could gauge my visits from how they were in the beginning to how they were once I'm, you know, started getting incarcerated regularly. Like the first time my father came to visit me, I started a well up, and he was like, do not cry in front of these people.

Don't cry. Hold it in. Had he been in prison? My father has had some run-ins with the law. Okay. Yeah. So, yeah, he's like, don't, he's like, do not crying from these people.

You cannot cry from these people stop. So, and then like one of the last times he came to visit me, he was just like, hey, what's up, pop? And he's just like, oh, all right, you're, you're good now. Yeah. He's like, this is another conference. conversation we have to have, but that's...

Was there stuff you wanted to, like, what were there, like, tell me about what life is like out there, or were you just like, how you do it, were you talk sports, we just try to forget? I wouldn't even know what to talk about. Yeah, I wanna know either. What do I gotta talk about? It was like, uh, was it through the,

was it this thing, you know, where you gotta go through the glass? No, you get to sit somewhere with them. Sometimes it depends. So I was in a bunch of different places, so some had the phone, some, there was just, they were right across from you, some had the glass,

And they would tell you that, come on, that's enough. Yep. Yep. One hour. One hour. Yep. Like, let's go and you go to see your last thing. Yeah.

It's such a cold thing. Yeah. I remember like when my father came to see me the first time and he's sitting there, I was like, how does it feel being on this side of the glass? How's it? How's it feel? Yeah. He did like little, you know, booking stuff and then he did like nine months in the feds because he

worked at a chop shop, but he didn't know. Yeah. So he kind of got old. probably snitched i don't know did you ever visit him while i was in course for all the time i was the one that never missed never missed the visit i loved that shit they put a little invisible ink uh for the visitors and you put it under a purple light yeah so you were a kid like and and my aunt's that's fun that's a kid yeah oh and then my aunts or whoever took me whoever went they would buy me they'll buy me something on the way back because they felt bad for me they're like oh take them the kb

toys yeah that's nice so i did you get that was awesome did you ever get conjurals no you got to be doing like uh that's maximum them and you got to be doing like, what is like, 20 years? A long time. You got to be, yeah, it's only max jails. You have to be married. You can't just be some. You can't have no tickets.

You can't. You got to be like good. You got to be like good. Yeah. No. There's still yanking shit from you quick. Every six months. She comes for a weekend.

You get a trailer. You get a trailer. You get a trailer. You stay after the weekend. Yeah. She brings food, cook for you. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Put it in her butt as much as you want. Like, oh, this is a woman's butt. I don't. Do they still do conjuricles in New York, though? Yeah. They do? I always thought they could cut them out. That's why you see, like, so many black dudes get married with, like,

the ugliest fat white women while they're in county jail. Yeah. So they have conjugal. So, yeah. So many times, like, a dude just comes back from, like, they go to the chapel. It was like, yeah, I just got married. And they show you the pictures. I'm like, you're going to do go up there.

Yeah. You're going to do good up there, brother. She's going to take care of you. Oh, my God. One of my earliest memories. They just shit on them when they get home. I just remember. I just remember.

It's like my first time in. This is as an adult now. Now I'm an adult. So I'm graduated from juvenile to like I'm in with the men. And juvenile was hell. But I just remember hearing a guy on the phone. And bro, this shit sent chills out of my spine. I just remember he's yelling.

He's going, nah, nah, nah, fuck that. Nah, I ain't never coming home. And I was just like, holy shit. Like I need to take a look at who that was and make sure I stay the fuck away from him. He doesn't lose, right? Yeah. I never coming home When I got sentenced to two years

I was So there's like a little cell Outside the courtroom And I was with two other dudes And they're in there They're like Yeah man they're offering 35 But if they give me the 20

I'll take it I'll take that right now Yep And then other guys like Yeah man they're trying to give me 15 But I'll take 10 And I'm just like I'm not gonna jump into this conversation

Bro's one time 10 years 20 years And say I'll take it Yeah Two decades Bro I had to go to court for child support once they transport me for child support, right?

But I'm with guys who were being sentenced to 25 years, 15 years. I never forget this one who's name's maniac, bro. That's what they call him. I meaniac. He had a tattoo on his face that said maniac. And for some reason, I didn't have I had peanut butter and jelly.

I didn't have ham and cheese. Because you're Jewish? Coture. Nice. Yep. And so they're all going, yo, why is your sandwich different than ours, right? And I'm like, Not Jewish? Well, I got some questions for you. And then I got some legal advice.

Next to my name on the list, it said CS, which stood for child support. Oh, okay. And then they're like, yo, why you got different letters next to your name? And I'm like, oh my God. You went to jail for not paying child support? Yeah, I had to. That's a big thing. I never went to jail for it, but I had to, they had to produce me to the court.

So I was already in for something else. Wait, you didn't know that you can go to jail for not paying child support? I didn't know if he did. Oh, God, I've never, I never, I ended up never having, that was never my charge. Yeah, there's another comic I don't want to say because it's not, it's his business, but, uh, just believe this, but, but he'd be like, but he'd be like, you get out and now it compounds. Yeah. And it couldn't date before you went in, now you're waiting, now you have more and you can't

back up, yeah. You haven't worked. Yeah. And you don't get good time. So that was the thing. So if they said it's due to six months, you do the six months. Basically what I was trying to do was freeze it. Yeah.

That's what I was trying. It was what I was fighting for. And, uh, I remember. the, it's not even a judge that presides, it's like a magistrate or something. Cool. She was like, uh, she's like,

Mr. Dresher, whose fault is it that you're incarcerated? I was like, it's mine. She was like, okay, child support continues. So I owed like 40K when I got out. Damn.

I paid it all off though. You gotta just kill that kid. No offense, but, or the mother, the right thing to do. I paid it all off. I paid it all off. But yeah,

that, that was crazy. Those guys, that guy, that guy, that guy, I got 12. Better than 17.

And I'm like, I'm like, This fucking guy's gonna kill me too On the way back Because I had a fucking peanut butter And jelly sandwich He had ham and cheese Jimmy Dean's

And then after hearing that conversation I go out there They go to sentence me And you're not supposed to look back You can't look back at the people So my whole family The bailiffs tell you Don't look back

Like stare at the front Because you know your family's back there I wonder why they do that Of course you would look back there They want to see how your mom's reacting So they don't want you They're like, don't look back until you leave, then you can say bye. But I wasn't going to listen to them.

But I walk out. Going another word. And as soon as I walk out, my daughter starts calling me. And I look back and I'm like, baby, I'm like, baby. And then I turn back and she just keeps calling me. Daddy, Dad. And the guy's like, just face forward. Just face forward.

And the whole time I'm just like this. And also, what made it worse was after I pled, this is when I threw a snowball out of a bouncer and they gave me assault with a deadly weapon. What? Felony charge. Violent felony. These people in Utah are not going to understand this. The snow in New York is very icy. Yeah, that's what they said in one of the statements.

Very hard. It's an ice block. No, because it broke a mirror in the glass cuttle. But they didn't show that in the video. They only showed the surveillance of me throwing it. And right after I sign all the fucking sentencing,

guilty, all that shit, the judge calls my judge my lawyer, his secretary, and the prosecutor over to him. And he's telling them something why he's looking at me the whole time. He's like, da-da-da-da-da. Then the secretary comes over with my lawyer and the DA, and they're standing there. And he's like, he just wants you to know.

He just realized from filling out the order of protection that he knows the victim, but it's not affecting your case. And I was just, that's when it hit me. I'm like, that's why they didn't want to give me the year. That's why. So they gave you what? They gave me two years. And he told me that he told me.

It's not affecting your case, like, no fucking way. He told me that off the record. No fucking way. No, no, what do you mean it's not affecting my kid? Yes, it is. It affected, that's conflict of interest. You probably could have did that or it kind of got. You probably could have had habeas corpus that shit.

What I thought, what I should have done was do the end of dead president's scene and start and just had an outburst. Fuck you mean! No, I want this on the record. What do you mean? Fuck you mean. Because every, all that, they were like, they came and told me in private. So it wasn't type it.

So it wasn't typed. And me, I'm just like, I'll be home in five months or eight months, whatever. So I was just like, whatever. But I go out and now I'm just like all emotional, like my eyes are watering and shit from all of this. And then I come back in, they're like, you're not crying, right? I was like, no, no, no. I thought you were going to be like from the end of the president's when he's like, after all the motherfucking shit I did for this country?

And he throws a chair. I did it. Two years for a fucking snowballball. How long did they give him at the end of the president's life, right? life, 25 life. Wow. Yeah, he killed cops. Yeah, that's the big one.

That's the big one. You think, I used to think treason was the biggest one. And then all those guys, they're all out. Praise from the Fuji. Yeah. You heard about pros from the Fuji's? No. It was like, uh, uh, getting money from the CCP and shit.

He was like a Chinese spy. No way? Yeah. He got arrested. One of the other guys. One of the other guys. Remember John Forte from the Fujis? He was, uh, he was their, he had like the dreadlocks.

He was 20 million dollars worth of liquid cocaine they found on him at an airport. $20 million worth. He's out. They were able to get him out. They were able to, yeah, I think he ended up doing like 10 or 12. That's crazy. So something I ask people, well, something that comes up in regular travel, is especially if you're going long term, is coming home.

And it's a different thing. It's actually the reason I started this podcast is my friend Rolf Potts is a travel writer. He talks about, he has this book called VIII. vagabonding about like going long-term traveling and the first 10% is like getting ready and in the middle 75% or 80% is going and the last 10% is coming home one of the things he says coming home it's like you're going to be like it's hard to get used to everything again that's where it is for me now i'm looking i'm just starting to stop it now but like looking at new york and america like an observer and i'm like getting used to it wiping your ass with the softest toilet paper like oh

right not pop tree leaves yeah forget Getting what you took for granted before. I'm brushing my teeth with my... Flushing toilets, yeah. Yeah, but it caught me, like, laughing. Is it what I'm like... Using torn knobs? Tooth water.

Yeah, it was crazy. Yeah, sink water for... Anyway, the coming home is a real part of it. And this has to be different. So, like, what... What's the coming home like? Getting out of those things. It's great, because you get new sneakers.

You always get new sneakers. Get some new pussy? Yeah. You find somebody to fuck? Your boys take care of that for you, usually. They're like, you haven't gotten late in too long. Let's help you out. I know a fucking floozy.

Yeah. Oh, there's some fat white grubbing right into the whole time. Yeah. And I'm getting, I'm coming. And you never bring anything from the jail with you ever. I did that mistake. What do you mean? What do you mean?

What do you mean? You never, like any clothing they give you, doesn't matter for socks, fucking underwear, t-shirt. You leave all that shit there. You wear nothing. You put on the stuff you walked in with? Yes. Or if you had your people send you new stuff that they put in your property. You know what I mean?

I have folders. still from jail with like artwork, letters, still in my closet. Artwork? Yeah. Because people would draw, like, so I'll go to send a girl, like, a letter, and I'll have him draw, like, a Tweety with a heart on the envelope and they fucking lace it up with, like, color pencils and shit. No.

So coming home, though, is this... Would you bring, like, letters from your kids? You take those back with you or no. Well, my daughter didn't know how to write. Oh, yeah. No, my daughter didn't know how to write either at that time. But, yeah, no, I didn't take any letters that were sent to me stayed there. Wow.

It doesn't remember. Why, no memories? You don't want my memories? Yes, you're... We got enough. But I do like going back in that folder sometimes and looking, because I want to do, one of my boys I used to write, he's locked up two at the time.

He's doing 75 years because he killed two people, chopped up their bodies, and buried them in my neighborhood. Baring him is actually the best part. He only got caught from a disease. After you killed somebody, he was supposed to bury them. Buried them. He didn't bury him deep enough. Didn't they fucking pop back up through the ground or something?

Yeah, so he buried, you know what a sump is? So it's kind of just in, like, most suburban areas. It's just kind of like a big hole in the ground. Okay. Where kind of all the water goes and all the drain storm shit. And he went in there and buried the limbs, but couldn't get the torsals. He couldn't get the torsosos over the fence. So he buried the two torsles in his mom's backyard and his dog's grave.

His backyard. Yeah. You're out of your mind doing it with someone you know. Yeah. And she was deaf too. Drive out to Google Beach. There's so many bodies already there. Yeah.

We lived on Long Island. There was so many places you could have went and buried it. He went to fucking Brookhaven to bury the two torsos. And then the smell from the sump like it goes out to the storm drain so everybody in the neighborhood

was smelling something weird and the two guys, so he kidnapped two dudes and one guy escaped. And that guy kind of was just like, yo, if you're looking for these guys this is the last person who saw them.

And so he was already arrested, and they went to his mom's house, found the bodies, and then that was it. So he got, like, 75 years. His girlfriend who hid the guns that he shot him with, she got 10 years. And then the dude that drove him from Queens to Long Island with the bodies in the tub in the rubber-made tub, he got 20 years. Wow. Yeah. Do you talk to your friend and are helping you, and that's what you get. You used to have the best Coke in Long Island.

Shout out to Darren Lynch. Okay. Go, do your time, my brother. You'll be home soon. Hold your head. You be home in 72 years. Don't let your time do you. I heard he got cut up, too.

I heard he got sliced up. My boy told me, you got fucking slashed up for debt. I used to hate hearing about shit that's happening, like, in the town while you're like, why I remember when I told somebody who was like, yo, your brother got knocked out. I was like, what? Like, and just the fact, no, I couldn't be there to, like, fucking help my brother. Yeah. Yeah. That happened with a friend of mine.

He got jumped in front of his house. And this was like the, he had like a young mom. She was like 30. He was like 15. So it was like we could just hang out there smoke. She smoked with us. And they went to his house and jumped them in front of her and like the family and shit. So I remember hearing about this in jail.

And I was just like, you know when I come home, boy. I'm coming right back in. Yeah. Because I'm going to avenge you. Yeah. It's crazy because I ended up, the kid I fought for, I ended up stabbing him like five years later. It was not fine. He tried to hit me with a bat.

That's hilarious. And my hand's still fucked up for me with the bat. What basically what it comes down to is these people who become incarcerated and end up going through the system, it takes a lot to turn that your brain chemistry around from that once you get caught in that loop. So Ali would say that he, who knows, but he said he went in there as a nonviolent offender and then in there they trained him to be a violent offender. Yeah, same. Yeah. Yeah, I became much more callous and cold to things. And now I also don't put anything past anybody.

Like any human being, I think you're capable of horrible things. Yeah. Which has become like a big thing in the relationships in my life where I'm like, I never know, you could be doing this. And people are like, why the fuck would you think that? I'm like, I'm like women sometimes. You work at the comedy story. You see the people on dates go fuck a comic in the back.

They didn't even know. They just saw them and they go back and they sit back with their boyfriend. And I'm just like, I've seen what they're capable of. Yeah. It's beyond what you would expect. Yes. Or the whole thing where they just obsessed with you And all of a sudden it's just like

Now you're obsessed with another man Where was that? Yeah Are you that fickle? Was there like a last meal and first meal Like before you went in? Did you ever have like you're going in tomorrow But today you're free?

It would be drugs The last meal before going in would be drugs So a couple times I got a furlough I remember me and my pops My pops was the man now that I'm thinking about it We made it You made eggs and steak for breakfast And then I had like 13 rocks of sets

And he went and dropped me off. 13, what, rocks? Rocks and rocks and sets. Yeah, and I ate them all. I ate them all. It's like a Percocet. Yeah, Perkissette with no tonal. So it's just stronger.

You don't throw up. And same as getting out too. You'd be like, let me find some drugs. It wasn't like, what's mom, make a pasta for tonight. It wasn't anything like that. Yeah, no. I told my mom, my, mom, make lasagna. I love your lasagna.

That's the one. I had a hope. Mine is going to sound horrible, but like my mother used to make rice and tuna, which is just white rice and tuna, and she would make the tuna with mayonnaise. Could I eat that in jail. Yeah, I know. But not the way she made it.

Not the way my mom made it, bro. Oh, they don't got adobe. It was the way my mom made, so it was either that or she would do her chicken and rice. The last time, because, like, working with Pat and shit, we got to eat whatever the fuck we wanted. And before I worked with him, I was... Shut up Milligan.

Yeah, Saddam Milligan. I was working with this other, the oldest guy there who would kind of, like, cook for the chefs during the day. And he would make some crazy shit that I've never, like croquettes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never had a croquette.

And he had, I learned how to make croquettes. Yeah. And then we had some leftover. And Milling gonna will always be like, oh, so what do we got left over from the morning? I was like, we got some croquette. Faggett? And he just kept yelling that the entire day in the kitchen.

He's like, croquette, faget. He was so, I don't think I've told you this. He was just here wild shit. A black dude, he was giving me the rundown of the kitchen my first day there. And he's introducing me to all the like the civilian cooks to be like, yo, watch out for this one, be careful with this one. So he goes like, yo, that's Glenn. He's cool as fuck as long as you work.

That's Jeff. He don't give a fuck as you work as long as you don't get in trouble. He goes like, that's Pat. He's cool. But he'd be yelling out penis all the time. And I don't play with that gay shit. Yeah, he doesn't be. And the first time he walked in, he's just there.

It's just him and this other black civilian cook. And then just walked And he just came penis penis! That's so funny That's so funny He is such a

bitch It's great And then fucking Working room was the best Black Rob was locked up And Oh dude That was another thing

Everyone used to go Whoa That was this big song Whoa My boy that was locked up In the feds That called me And I'm in the fucking

You know Atlantic City Comedy Club The Tropicana Whatever So I'm in the garage When he called me and we're like talking. He's like telling me all the people

he bumped into in there. He's like, yo, I fucking pumped, I bumped into Takashi when I was in Manhattan. I met one of the, what's the other guy, not the Maduro,

what's the guy, the Salvadorian guy? El Chapo. Not El Chapo. No. The dictator that was locked up. Not El Salvadoran. It might have been Guatemala or some shit.

Wait, he met like, he was telling me all these people and he met this rap. I met this person. And that was like the first time I was ever on the phone with somebody that's in jail

and was jealous of them. I'm like, yo, how the fuck is your life better than mine right now? Like, nobody wants to talk to me. You got all these fucking popular famous friends? There's a comedian who's like in some Nebraska prison for like serial rape or something. Oh yeah, no, there's a guy who. John Reap? No.

No, it was a black guy. Vincent. He would go and do college gigs and rape the girl. Didn't they make a documentary about that shit or something? I think so. And then it couldn't figure it out because it was like, well, it's only one here in Omaha. And then another one happened in Illinois. But that's how do we relate those?

And someone finally, like, said it was like it was a local comedian who was visiting. And they go, oh, they found his whole tour NACA schedule. Zach Amiko was telling me about that. Yeah. That we were just talking about that last week. Yeah, that's wild. So this is something I ask everybody at the end. You guys are going to be different on it.

I usually ask people for travel advice. Like, what's your travel advice? Oh, no, we got advice. No, there's travel advice. Because you never know. Look at Diddy. Look at Art Kelly. You never know when you're going to go to jail.

Okay. So what's your advice, I guess, going in, I guess, would be your advice? Like, what's your advice? Or whatever. What's your travel advice? You say if you're going in, make sure that you have a good relationship with your family. Yes. Right now, like, keep it good.

Don't get in any arguments with them because they're going to be the ones who are going to be taking care of you. If you're single, if you're single, try to find as many fat white women as you can possibly find. And it's a numbers game. Also, stay off the phone. Stay off the phone with your girl. Stress box. Do not call your girl. Why?

Just leave it alone. Because one day you're just going to hear in the background. Hey, get back in bed. You should call the phone, the pain box. Find out they moved on. She'd be like, baby, call me a nine, and then you call it nine. She doesn't answer. Yeah.

Or all of a sudden that she has to go. You're like, no. Also, bring drugs. Bring drugs. Bring drugs. You don't do drugs. Bring them. You can sell them.

And when you get to jail, you don't get your common amenities, like toothbrush. You don't get that right away. You got to wait. You got weed. You can buy that from people. Never take anything from anybody. Nothing's free in jail. Nothing is free.

Nothing is free. If you have to fight, even if you can't fight, just fight. Fight. Fight and lose. It's going to be better for you. Fight and lose. Try as hard as you can. Let them know that, hey, this isn't going to be easy for you.

All right. Fight. Don't give them one of these. No, don't do that. Try to punch like this. Fight them. Fight dirty if you have. You can fight dirty in jail.

Get a weapon. Get a weapon. Get a weapon. Break a spoon. Sharpen a toothbrush. Um. What else can you use the pencil, like Geo said? Pencil, pen.

Oh, you don't get pen, but you can use a pencil. It only works once, but... Find something to stiffen the pen up. Then you can use it as a writing utensil and a weapon. Yeah. You kill too much... We can like wax on it to stiffen it. You could find maybe like some kind of like...

Like if you could even get the real casing of like a pen... Yeah, I'm curious about that. I want to know this now. Like a real pen casing, if you can find one of those. I mean, I've seen crack smoked. So, and I'm talking about a crack pipe. copper rolled up. Yeah, I saw somebody smoke crack out of a chapstick tube.

Wow. Yeah. I mean, I come from the weed world, and it's like, yeah. But back in one of the illegal days was like, you just don't have stuff to smoke on you. And the apples, the, the, like, tubes of a two liter.

This could be a bomb. You just press this down, poke a hole. Yeah. And you see the people with like, damn, you're so creative. Yeah. All this to weed? Dude, he took aluminum foil from a, from a gum,

burnt the paper off, okay. Made a bowl, stabbed the hole into the chapstick. Put the little like aluminum cone. He made a cone of the aluminum. Put it on that and then put the crack in the aluminum. And then smoke it out of that.

Wow. And we had a lighter in my phone. Smoking crack. Smoking crack while you're incarcerated is insane. You don't have white lips? I think if every crackhead smoked out of a chapstick because we smoke crack you always know. You should.

That's a smart idea. Yeah. But could you imagine smoking crack in prison? I mean, Jesus Christ, man. I saw people doing coke in bookings and I'm like, why would you want to do that? Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't seem like a Coke move.

Seems like to take a lot of edible before you go in. Like, I want to drink beer and water. Smoke cigarettes. Last question. No, go ahead. No, I was just saying Suboxin. I remember we used to get warm water and we would melt it down. And then you would just sniff it.

Sniff it. You sniff the Suboxin right up your nose. Damn. Also, if you know you're going in. So much good travel advice. Yeah. Wear as many pair of underwear as shirts as you can. Put one on top of the other.

They cannot stop. The maximum of you, five under. Five shirts. Five t-shirts. You want two sweatsuits, put them all. Why? Because you bring all your stuff you need. You don't have to wait for a visit.

So you need t-shirts, underwear, you got it all, you walk in it. So like the last time I went in, I had two sweats suits on top of each other, a thermal under that, four t-shirts, five underwears, five socks, all on. An ounce up my ass. Disclaimer, not all places are the same. You might not be able to use any of that stuff. any of that stuff. It depends on which area. There's take it. You're out some underwear.

No, no, no. The stuff that you bring in is stuff that you know they can allow. White underwear, white sweatsuits. White or black sneakers. Green sweatsuits. You get up to five magazines. You can stuff those up your ass. Last question is like, where do you guys want to go in the world?

I guess you're not allowed. No, I can go anywhere that lets felons. Yeah, I got my passport back. But where's calling? Where would you like to go? So once they got my passport back, I already. went to Mexico, I went to Israel, I went to... Where is calling you now? Where have you not been going to go? I want to go to Antarctica.

I want to go to Antarctica. I want to go to that shit so bad. You're trying to find... It's the northern one? Southern one. Yeah, they have tours there. That's the one that's like you can't film while you're out there and shit like that. They don't allow filming, and I want to know why.

I kind of want to go to the Canary Islands. Like Mexican Spain? Yeah. I kind of want to go there. I heard it's nice. F.C. Island would be dope. Just like a tour?

Just to just... It's got to be the weather. It's got to be great. Or turkey. Turkey would be cool. Oh, I got my hair done while I'm out there. Get my shit fix. Yeah.

Yeah. If I went to Turkey, I would definitely... Dude, Burke Kreisher, we were talking. He goes, if I went into a coma for some reason, and I come home and after like two years, I wake up, and my body has not been transported to turkey for new hair and had a full stomach stabling. He goes, I'm divorcing my wife.

It's in his will when he dies. He's like, if I die, I want my hair done for my week. I would love to get to tell. We should all make a turmine. turkey trip to me. I'm not going bald, but like, uh, but a lot of these guys are. And, um, yeah, I'll just go with you guys to Turkey and like, you'll be tripping here. They should all make a bald comedian trip to Turkey and just do it. Everybody coming back with reds forheads. Yeah. There's some comedians who's done it already, right? With the

wraps. Yeah. Some comedians did it already. They'll do it here. Soder, Hamilton. Mateo. Tatea does like 10 times. Doesn't he deny it though? He'd be like, no, I never did that. I doubt it. Who's going bald? I think with those guys, that level of gay, you're like, if I lose, I care, I'm off my game. Yeah, you can't. He's ripped, he's cut, he's multilingual. He's like an artist, too.

He, bro, the guy is amazing. He's amazing. He's fluent Spanish, pretty fluent. I mean, Italian, decent Spanish. Yeah. He's good at video games. Artist, singer. Yeah.

He's going to be in Chicago. Is he single? Gays are always and yet never single. I heard he's going to do like a month of Chicago. Just a month? On Broadway. Oh, shit. Yeah, like legit.

On Broadway. That's fucking nuts. And they were like, yeah, he does first rehearsals today. He starts, or today, they just bow to me yesterday. And then it starts in like June 28th or something like that. I was like, he could learn it all by then. She goes, he's gay. He knows it all by heart already.

That guy would kill it in jail, bro. Mateo? He'll kill it. The thing about the gays in jail is they have all the news. They know everything it's going. going on. They'd be like, hey, don't go over here at this time. Don't go over there at this time. Like they have a scarlet letter, too. You're not supposed to talk to any gay people at it. And you don't want to make one angry either because then they'll just be like, oh yeah, that's why you sucked my dick. And then everyone would be like, huh?

I told you not to tell you why, man. I've been in for six years. What the fuck. All right, boys, this is great. A weird episode. A very different episode, a trip to jail. How many of you guys been to jail? Leave it in the comments. Leave it in the comment. Leave it in your own. All right, yeah, let's do that. is your own best prisoner jail stories. Yeah. Yeah, type one out.

And check out on the gate if you haven't watched it yet. Yeah, I'll put in bumpers about your stuff, but your podcast is on the gate. On the gate. I was on an episode, this might be out in like 10 months. Legitimately, I released episodes today with Fahim. That was early 2004.

So it's going to be out when it's out. I'll ask you guys to make sure the podcast is still going. Oh, that's so funny. I beg the dude. I could be like 50 by the time that comes out. Yeah. You can be back in prison. I was going to text my family chat.

Yo, I did Arvi's podcast. Check it out. In a year. But yeah, on the Gateser pod, you guys, yeah, Derek Drescher, Gio Perez, you guys are fucking great. It's great to have, you guys were a group. I don't know, I put you guys together maybe before we probably had the podcast. But just like a newer class of comics that I was like at the stand was like, oh,

there's cool guys around. Appreciate that. Yeah, it was fun to have you around. You're all funny. And like, I was just like, yeah, this people. If like, we all had our own crew we hung with. And then as they started going off, doing more road gigs, so like, no one's here.

And then it was like, no, these guys are cool. Yeah. I could hang in the green room with these guys. Yeah. Anyway. Appreciate it. And after seeing, like, I watched a lot of the amazing races. Like, did anybody watch that in prison?

World Star Hip-P? Dude, it was big, bro. You were big, and World Star Hip-Hip. Oh, you were huge. I found you from World Star Hip-Hip. All you could. Jesus, all that shit. Yeah.

All that. was Big Pussy for years. Even, I think I found out after I was doing comedy for a year because I was talking to another comedy. And they were like, no, it's not the same guy. Because he had like a story about where he sold Coke to Whitney Houston and it was on World Star. Wow.

And I was telling people, I was like, yo, big pussy's really about that life. He was selling Coke to Whitney Houston. And then people's like, dude, don't ever say that to him. Dude, I was there when they met, I went to his premiere of his movie. He did with like a De Niro movie. He moved to New Orleans to get a local hire job. They'll give me two lines that I'm so charismatic. They'll put me in way more lines.

And that's what he did. He took a local hire job. And then they're like, oh my god, you're so fun. Like, write this guy more lines. And so we're in the premiere. Deere's asleep in front of us at the premiere. But then big pussy's there. And they met for the first time.

They've both been told, you look exactly like Joe Diaz. And he's like, get a picture. And I'm like, okay, okay, okay. And then my phone was off from the movie. Oh, it takes like 20 minutes to start up an iPhone. And Joe's like, get it. And I'm like, I'm trying. It's not going.

I'm trying. So the reason the picture of Big pussy and Joey Diaz doesn't exist is because you didn't charge your phone. I charged it off because they were respectful for the movie. Oh, you turned, oh, I thought it was dead. It wasn't dead. But I did, I think I got it. Anyway.

If it's up, find it and put it in here. But all right, guys, thank you. I appreciate you, my God. Boys, you're real. Yeah. Go to jail. Check it out. It's fun.

Go to jail. Well, everybody, that's the episode. I hope you enjoyed it. Derek Drescher, Gio Perez. Follow them both on Instagram. check out their podcast on the gate. Ben it, been it, stay, stay, stay, go. That's fun.

That's a fun thing to watch. Yeah, for myself, guys, please subscribe, wherever you're watching, listen. So how do you like, for the non- YouTube premium subscribers, how do you like having no ads? I'm doing that for you. The deal is, we're trying it for a month. If it doesn't work, I'm going back to the ads.

So click in a buck, five if you like it, maybe five once a month or one an episode. I don't know. It's up to you. But if I can equal what I was getting, which isn't a crazy amount, then I'm good. We can do it that way. It's up to you. I have never been to prison. I've never been to jail.

I'm starting to understand the difference in the two. One's federal? Actually, I really don't know. It's not my world. Every time I have Ali Sadeke or Ms. Pat on and they talk about prison stories or gangster stories, I'm always like, man, we've led very different lives. Sleeping face down. sleeping face up, I don't know.

I wouldn't want to get butt-sexed in the middle of the night, but I also wouldn't know somebody to blow me in the middle of the night, but other two, obviously one is better. Thank you very much to YMH for producing this. Thank you very much for Jorge at Gas Digital for recording it. I wanted to get these guys in to do this kind of theme episode a lot. I'm going to try to get one with Rolf Potts in the coming weeks. Maybe we're going to do one all about trains, but he's been everywhere.

So I don't know if we'll do a theme one or not. But we've got a lot of great ones coming. Next week, pig in charge. Make America Pigs again with Joe DeRosa. Click for that and also watch out for his special. It's now hidden Netflix. I never promised Drew Rose Garden. It's available actually tomorrow.

So watch it on Netflix and then an episode with him will be on next week. After that, who do we got, Tommy Pope? About Cuba, that's a great episode. That's why you want to subscribe, everybody. Did I say in this episode? Okay, Alan, if I did say in this episode, episode, cut this out. I got arrested one time. University of Maryland. I was, I'm not very good

academically very often, but every once in a while I am. One time I skipped school in high school and I went to Union Station and I did my research paper. I was so far behind and it was due and I was like, I'll just pretend I was sick and then I'll get everything done. And I went, they dropped me off, I tied my shoes, got in the metro, went down downtown, did my whole risk paper, all also watch Locke who's talking to. And then I got it all done. I got caught. I had a tutor that day and she called,

why weren't you there? Got in trouble for actually doing work for once. So I'm a University of Maryland, cut to like seven, eight years later. I'm trying to get a research paper done. It's Thanksgiving weekend. So the library's gonna close and I can't get this shit done. I gotta go back to my parents' house.

And there's all this periodicals, I have to Xerox, and I don't have time and I couldn't go back. So I was like, I'll just take this and I'll return it. The UPC code in the side, I ripped it out. So I was like, that's what's going to like set off the alarm. So I get it, put it in my bag, start going through the door, the turnstile locks. And I'm like, hey, and they go, what's going on?

I'm like, I don't know. Why is it locked? And I'm like, I don't know. Like, can I check your bag? And I was like, sure. By the way, I'm very calm under pressure. I've been yelling at TSA agents with weed in my bag about, I've been yelling about rights, freedom and shit like that, knowing I have been arrest. about a weed or acid or mushrooms in my bag and I'm still fucking yelling. I stay sharp. I stay in

the pocket. Nervous is what's going to get you caught. Here this story does not work out. So they go, what's going on? They go, what's this? I'm like, ah, shit, my bad. I didn't, fuck, sorry. I was like moving from desk to desk. And they go, well, why is the UPC code ripped out? And I go, what? And they go, is that what you think gets you through the turnstile? No, at this point, I'm gone. I'm caught. Really nothing to do. So I go, yeah. They go, no, idiot. It's in the binding. They call the cops. They put me in handcuffs at Universal. I'm a Jewish kid. This is so much more embarrassing than for Derek or Gio to have it happen to them. Joey Diaz had this happen. He'll laugh about it. I'm fucking in in cuffs. My friends are walking by. Two friends walk by like what's going on.

I was like, it's so embarrassing. The only as the only that level, that level, of embarrassment I can remember is when two my friends at Glastonbury Festival came to see me, two people in my camp, came to see me at the comedy tent. And I bought my dick off. It's a comedy tent. I was like, I told you guys not to come. I'll play London. I would have to see me there. Anyway, so they arrested me. Eventually they go, okay, we're going to let you go, but you're arrested. You have an arrest warrant, arrest like record. And you have a, you have to show in court. Now, luckily, I'm Jewish and I have access to Jewish lawyers, so I got that sponge. But they charged me with theft over $500 because the periodicals had a value of over

$500. So it wasn't just stealing a book. It was stealing something of value. Yeah, but again, Jews, we got out of it. The laws are made by the people who know how to work the laws. That's, whenever they're talking about racism or like whatever, that's what they mean. The laws are made by us. So of course we're going to have access to how to finagle it. You know? But wealthy make the laws. We know how to interpret it. Have you ever tried to read like law books or something?

No way. No fucking way. Anyway, that's my, as close as I've ever gotten to getting arrested. And then one time in Thailand, okay, here's another good story. And then we'll call it. Thank you, Alan Kathy, for editing today's episode. Although I think it was not Alan. I think it might have been someone else.

Tyler? who did today's episode um okay i'm in Thailand come out of my hostel on a on a on a on a moped i turn left and i go oh it's one way turn right around the cop got me right there

waiting for it waiting for it so he goes and this is like textbook he goes all right give me your license go up here in court and they can get it back or you can be 500 bot right now and we can make this go away

and I go, well, you're shaking me down. No way. No way. Fuck off. No, I'll do it in court. He goes, you sure? I'm like, yeah, dude. He goes, just give me 500 baht. I'm like, dude, you're not shaking me down. So I went to the courthouse, waited probably three hours of my time in Chiang Mai.

By the way, one recommendation? I'm not even going to tell you. But ask me if you go visit Chiang Mai. I got some tips for you. Go to Grand Canyon. I would say that. It's a little out of town. Or take a moped up the mountain.

Go see the sunset up there. There's so much to do in Chiang Mai. By the way, if you can't get late in Chiang Mai, something's wrong with you. I got a beach. Could have gotten late if I got hard again, but I didn't get hard again. Anyway, so,

what was I going to say? I paid for three hostels that day because I was in another hostel. Then my friend went to a cheaper one, and I was like, okay, me and my friend Derek, different Derek, were at one. And then my friend, we went to visit him. I was like, oh, this is a party hostel.

This is fun. Ours was quiet. Like, fuck it, let's go over there. Derek was paying day by day. I paid for three days. And I was like, fuck, keep the money. I'm checking out. They'll never return your money at a hostel, ever.

So then I went and got a hostel room over there, dorm room. And then this chick was like, we're not fucking in a dorm room. And I'm not going to fuck in the shower. So I was like, okay. So there was a hotel next door. There was no privates available. Hotel next door. Got that.

So I had three rooms for that night. I had three rooms for that night. which cost me a total of $19. Anyway, went down to the courthouse. I'm in there. And finally, they're like, okay, we'll see you. And they go, it's a $400 fine. So for that much, how much is 100 bot?

To save 100 bot on this shakedown, it was a mistake on my part. I obviously was a mistake on my part. How much is 100 bot USD? 100 tie to USD $3.3.

I saved $3. I could have just given the 15 right there. It was going to be 12 regardless, guys. Your time is short. Your time is limited when you're traveling. Your time is not limited when you're in prison. Go check out Derek and Gio's podcast on the gate

where they have prison stories all the time. It's actually a really fun podcast to do. And yeah, if you like this episode, So it's just, it's tons more of that shit. So check them out. That's it, guys. Please subscribe. And again, let's try this experiment.

Chuck a buck. It's up to you. I'll probably, I don't assume it's going to fail. We'll go back to it. But if it gets there, then we're good. Let's like, fuck the sponsors. Not the ones I read, but the embedded ones.