You Should Know Podcast - GUESS THE NUMBER CHALLENGE! -You Should Know Podcast-

Episode Date: August 24, 2026

PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/YouShouldKnowPodcast TOUR TICKETS: https://www.youshouldknowstudios.com YSK UNPLUGGED: https://www.youtube.com/@YSK.UNPLUGGED FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/people/You-Should-Know-Podcast/61552092953106/ NEW TWITCH CHANNEL: https://m.twitch.tv/peytonhardin/home 00:00 CAM JOINS! 01:30 HUMAN SPRINKLER 03:43 ALMOST BURNED DOWN MY HOUSE! 10:55 FARTING AT MASSAGE 15:55 HE WANNA MY BOMBACLOT 18:41 ROCKET MONEY 20:09 PEYTON GOT SWATTED 23:22 SITTING ON BED DEBATE 29:14 HOW DO YOU FLUSH? 34:27 UNCLE P BABYSITTED 40:22 FABLETICS 41:48 BUYING $25,000 WINE 48:01 CRUNCHY FAJITA BOWL 52:50 HIRING A P.I. FOR WIFE 58:49 LETS PLAY THE NUMBER GAME! 59:11 BOOKING.COM 1:00:13 NUMBER GAME: ROUND 1 1:09:17 JOIN THE KOALA CLUB! 1:11:09 NUMBER GAME: ROUND 2 1:20:03 ANNOUNCEMENTS Todays Sponsors: Rocket Money - Manage your finances and cancel unwanted subscriptions easily at https://rocketmoney.com/ysk Fabletics - Shop now at https://fabletics.com/YSK to get 70-80% off everything when you sign up as a new VIP Booking.com - Go on, book that trip—it's easy. Booking.com. https://www.booking.com FOLLOW PEYTON: https://instagram.com/psh8?igshid=ZDg1NjBiNjg= JOIN THE DISCORD: https://discord.gg/V5WYhSte2R Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey everybody, welcome back to Usenau podcast episode 2.31. We got calls. Cam back in the studio, Radimal Plus, please. It's time to play the game. I hope you realize. That went all over me. No, no. It was a terrible.

It was almost like nothing came out. There was virtually nothing that just came out. It was like a tiny sprinkler. I think that's like historically low. It was that the worst AAA ever? That was probably the worst triple H spit I've ever seen. Get some. It's like you're too, you're too, like, worried about the cleanup.

You're such a dad. Come on. I feel like you just swallowed a lot. Stop. Okay. Here we go. Here we go. Okay.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Cam. I'm not built for that line. Is the camera okay? Is the camera okay? See, dude, I live in a world of absolutes. There's no gray area from here.

It's black or white. He said it was the worst ever and I'm just spitting water on everything. I haven't had a dry word yet. We got ghosts, I'm back in the studio. I mean, you are completely drenched. Wow, hey, that was a first and last. Yeah, I enjoyed it. That was really bad. My crotch is wet.

Did you not practice that as a kid ever? A couple times, but it was, you know, Mike. He was like, don't spill on my carpet. Yeah, it was fair. That's fair, dude. I sprayed my house, dude. There's not a dry corner of my house. I'll tell you that.

I could see you doing that every. everywhere, brush your teeth, and you'd be like, wait a second. No, I just never, triple H was never my guy. It's not even a triple H thing. At that point it was, it was evolved past WWE. I was like, how much can I spit? Oh, God. Dude, every time, you weirdo?

Every time I brush my teeth, I would like get like, I would go under the sink for the water and then I would, I had a mirror that took up like a wall and so I was like, oh wait, I was like, how way can I get this mirror? And then I was always in spitz. inspired by the, what are those called in your yard? The sprinklers. They go,

and so I became a sprinkler. You don't know how much I did that. Bro, that is, okay. First off, you know, I was like 20 years old until I started doing this. I used to always go like this. That's disgusting. You used to cup your hand.

Like a cat, I'd go. Sarah does that. Oh, dude. I think that's honestly like the cleanly thing. I don't know. I think it's like the polite. I think it's a polite thing is to go two hands. Yeah, it's definitely a polite,

but it's definitely not cleanly. That's just lame. Yeah, it is lame. I was lame. Sarah's currently lame. She still does that. You know a lame thing I did as a kid. I always knew I was going to be famous.

What's your two? No, you were destined for something. I do. Oh, a couple turns, couple missed classes here and there. You know, back in Fluggerville, if you go to the house in Flugerville,

in like my room the doors are still the same from when I grew up if you open the door like on the little hens you could just see 100 patent signatures I used to sign my walls like practice my signature

all through my house we have to so much paint on my walls I don't I just don't know like I love that for you but your brain is just so fascinating it is a fascinating place it's a fascinating scary dark

weird I mean flooded with turmoil brain but it's a fascinating place you know fascinating enough my brain hasn't quite developed because I did something the past, uh, this past week that I didn't tell you about because I was waiting for the podcast to tell you. Oh my God. Oh my God. A non-developed brain. Hit me with it. Two fire trucks showed up to my house this past week. Okay. I actually called you before they showed up because I needed your help, but you weren't available. So what happened? Um,

I almost made my house explode. And this is not a joke. Like I generally almost made my house go kabo. Yeah. So I'm in a relationship, right? And my girlfriend, we live together. And so she's so great. I'm sorry. It's so

unprofessional. ESPN? She's so great. And she really takes care of the house. She does laundry. She cooks. She cleans. I mean, she does everything. I am useless. You do nothing. You do absolutely. All I do. And so I was like, you know what?

I love my girl. I want to do something nice for I want to cook or something, right? Oh my God. And so I don't really know how to use the stove top. At all. But I tried to use the stove top. And so I didn't, so I turned it on. And I was like, wow, that's a really nasty smell.

And so I kept twisting it back and forth. I kept twisting it banging forth until a flame came. And then it went, and a big flame came. And I said, holy shit. He said, ah. Yeah, exactly. But that wasn't the, that wasn't the bad. part. So I, so then I put the pot there and fucking, I made something. I don't know what I made,

but I made something, dude. And I was so nervous about me cooking for it, because that's it, I didn't know how vulnerable cooking for someone. It's like it's a vulnerable experience. Like I'm seeing your butt hole. Like it's like, well, it's like, I don't know about seeing a little fart star, but it's, it's, it's close. And so I made her some bullshit sandwiches. Right. On the stove top. And so I was so nervous about it. I was nervous about her experiencing it, so I was like shaking and jittery. I turned off the stove, right?

I just turned it back for its original point. And it was going, and I heard that noise like a whistling, like, like coming out of it. And I was like, oh, it's cooling down. So I left and they brought her the food, right? She's so thankful. I didn't sit there and watch her enjoy it.

I'm pretty sure it ended up in the toilet. Yeah, she was like, oh, thanks, baby. whatever she's just buying into it's so overcooked and so you know some time went on and I was like babe I know your dinner that you ate was so good it's time for dessert you want to go to son and get this ice cream that we both like to eat together

so we left the house we came back to the house like 40 minutes later because we enjoyed it in the in the sonic parking lot we came back to the house I opened the door and it's like I got hit with this wave of like petrol and like gas and like monoxide

I literally opened the door I said I said, holy I said, what the I said, what is that? I said, Sarah. Sarah, save yourself. Don't come in there. What is that?

Save yourself but help me. I don't know what it is either. And so I said, I said, God. Oh my God. And then, that could have been so bad. Well,

so if you do the math, it was 45 minutes that that was left on. that the stove was left on. So Sarah runs over there, turns the stove off. She said, baby, you didn't turn it off. And I said, how? It ain't no flame on the thing that didn't off, ain't it? I ain't no.

You know, the stove does fire. There's no fire. So it's all. Right? And so I'm sitting there, right? And I just got a new air conditioner, right? And so she says, we have to open up the windows. And I said, the fuck we do.

I said, I just bought this new AC. And that's just 12 bands, bro. You're the worst person. So no, we're not. And so we're sitting on the couch and I'm watching Hunter Hunter and I started to get high. I'm getting high and I'm like, I'm going on. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? And then so CJ crawls out of his room.

You know how bad it's got to be. The house was been on fire at that point. And so CJ goes, hey, he's like, hey, something going on. CJ comes down. He's like, hey, is everything all right down there? I couldn't. I smell and something. And I go, CJ, you smell that?

And he goes, I can't breathe. He goes, I can't breathe. Are you hungry? And so I was like, yeah, bro, it's bad. I was like, I left the stove on. And he goes, bro, you should probably Google what to do. And Sarah's so sweet. She knew what to do. She was trying to open up the windows.

I spent 12 bands on this air conditioning. We're not opening. We ain't opening a window. I just got an AC unit. It's 115 degrees outside I'm not doing it. So hot. And so we Google. I was like, what happens if you leave the stove on for 45 minutes?

And there's gas coming out for 45 minutes. And it goes immediately a vacuum. It says don't light a match, don't turn on a switch. It says don't flick a switch on, don't turn on a light. I did all that. You go, it's dark in this. You go, the only way to get rid of this is a candle. Let's turn on this.

And so they go, evacuate the house immediately, call 911. I said, I'm not calling the police. I'm not doing it. You go, I'm not in a rat. It's like 10.30 at night. It's a quiet neighbor. I'm not calling the cops, bro. They'll find some in CJ's room that I don't know that's in there.

And I mean, now I'm going down for it. God knows what he's harvesting in that room. It's so, it's so I, and so I was like, I'll call the fire department. So I called the fire department. And I told him, hey, man, this is what's going on. And they said, oh, okay, we're on our way. And I said, oh, man. So they're on their way.

No, bro. You don't have to tell me what to do. No, no, you need to get out of the home. No, they said immediately lift up all the, the, they said, they go, open all the windows. Open all the windows. You go ahead, brother. I just got an AC unit.

No, they said open all the windows. I said, Sarah, I told you dumb. I'm the worst person. I was open up all the windows. I opened up all the windows. And they're like, we're on our way. Now, I thought, now I've seen fire department people pull up in like Ford trucks, like for the non-emergency people.

Oh. And so I thought that's what was going to happen. Literally like 10 minutes go by. And it looks like, it looks like a WWE intro is happening in my front yard. two fire trucks pull up with their lights on. It's 10.30 at 9. I'm in a quiet neighborhood.

Everybody's coming outside. Oh, yeah. This is like a harrowing panic for you. So as soon as I see that, I go to our... You don't want any of the attention. No, no. As soon as I see that, I go take a shower. I go take a story to God.

Sarah. Worst man. Sarah handled it. I didn't take care of it. I'm not doing that. I cannot take that embarrassing. I cannot do it. Sorry.

Oh my god, you're the worst. Yeah. That is, okay. I asked Sarah, what they look like? Oh, you go, what'd they say? You just come out, you're like, there's still some soap. You're like, what they say? You're putting in cream?

Yeah, they said it was fine. They said just keep the windows open. Peyton, oh my God, dude. First off, I have a story for you about how I embarrassed myself. I thought I was going to win for funniest story. Wow. Yeah, that is a very true story, too. Oh, my God.

Okay. CJ was like, I kind of like it. He goes, dude, you think you can capture that Samantha in a jar? He goes, see, if I take that and siphate it. into my plants, it might be fantastic. Yeah, that was my story. What happened to you, though? What was embarrassing?

So this past week, we finally decompressed a little bit. Domestic shows are done. We're still doing a lot of things. We're getting ready to go across the pond. Australia, tickets available now. Link of the bio. Or in the description. But I said, a little stiff.

Let's go get a massage. Oh, right. Good, good massages. Now, the only unfortunate part is I, pretty much every time I get a massage, it's like the same day, like I want it right now type thing, and the place I have the credits with, you got to like book

in advance. Right. So I'm like, I just got to go to some random spot. So I go to one maybe ten minutes from the house. It's always a dangerous game. Very dangerous game. But, to my surprise, it was pretty decent. Like amenities, nice, there wasn't a weird funky smell. Yeah. But it was a normal massage. Now, I get to this massage, and she's, I mean,

really, it's one of those, like, she's on her knees and on her feet on my lower back. And she's standing on you? She's holding. Oh, she got the poles up top. Oh, I know you went. I don't know where you went. I know where you went.

It's great. And she's- I don't like that. Get your hooves off me. Yeah, I don't, I always like, I'm like, she has to be professional. She has to at least have clean feet. But I don't know.

I felt the corn before. I would, I would sue them if I felt a- Can't sign a registered LLC. Dude, that might be. That's not. I almost missed it. So, massage is going.

It's great. Yeah. And about. I'd say halfway, like 30 minute mark. She's really in my lower back. And I'm like, ah. I'm sitting there. Oh, oh.

She goes, there's a little language barrier, but she's like, is everything okay? Yeah. No, she didn't say it like that. Yeah, no. You're getting me there. I'm like, yeah, it's all good. It's all good.

But she's, it's so much in the lower bag. It's starting to mess with my tummy a little bit. No. I'm getting like gassy. Yeah. And I'm like, God, man. I'm like, I'm going to fight for another half hour. Yeah.

She goes, turnover. Bada bada boom and now we're on the front side She's standing on your show No no no no no no Excuse me head arms stuff like that Yeah last 10 minutes she goes flip back over I'm like I've never flipped this many times in massage by the way I've never done that So I'm flipping back over

I'm getting dizzy I'm literally like what's going on So she's like now we're gonna do your feet and then I can do the back of your head and I'm like okay She does the back of my head first fantastic and I'm getting real loose and I'm like I I I I am going to sh-h-h-the second I leave this table, I'm going to sh-h-h-h-she-works her way, shoulders real quick, she gets my legs. Now, she does a maneuver, and in my mind, I'm like, there is a literal, it's a coin flip, if I'm about to fart.

And this is going to be terrible. She's doing my legs, it feels great. I'm like, oh, my God, we have to be close to done. She gets to my ankle, everything's good, and she takes my leg, like a physical therapist, and she literally goes, she takes my leg and shakes it in a minute. And I literally goes, she takes my leg, and she takes it with. And it came out with the bounce. She took my ankle.

And she said, And I literally went, Oh, I swear to God. I'm never coming back there. Did it stink? Dude. Oh,

Oh, it stunk like, it stunk terrible. But the worst part was it wasn't silent because she said they're moving my cheeks because she's flopping my leg. She said, rub, rub, and she goes,

dude and it came out it came out excuse cams cause he's very sick by the way i'm not sick we'll talk about it after this story but she's sitting there and she goes pop pop pop and it was like yeah bro you would talk about instantly i'm sweating instantly i'm 20 degrees hotter so embarrassed thank the lord for the slight language barrier because that would have been a very awkward conversation what did she say did she giggle said nothing she just said a single word poor girl and i was like golly bless you I was like bless your heart. She was like probably 50. Yeah. She just went

the most awkward massage. She said all right. She said all finished. I was just caught up in the, it was my story bro. That actually happened. I was just caught up in the moment. I'm sorry. She said, she said, hey, we're all done. She just said, uh, I think we're leaving that. Yeah. She said, hey, massage is over. And I said, okay, thank you. And then she left. And I, let me put on my clothes just fast. I went. And I walked to the front. She said, do you want to water a minute? I said, no, no, thanks, bye.

And I walked right out. Bro, most... I've never, I've never farted at a massage place. Never done that shit. It was, dude, it was so embarrassing. Like, last month, I went to this new massage place. And it was this dude, bro, he was rough on my shit. I was butt-negut too.

I was drilling my shit, dog. I was in that thing. I said, ooh, I said, ooh, I said, oh, you in me, dog. I said, ooh. You said, ooh, oh, not so fast. So ooh, you in my shit right now, man. He want to get that boom, but clad that rot ta-tah-tah-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. What?

Got it going crazy for that, ooh, nah, nah, nah, nah. Dude, what is happening? He wants to get my boondoclacly. He want to get that boomba-clot, that rod, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. What language is that? What are you doing? He's just in you. What are you saying?

She want to get my rod to-ta-da-ta-ta-ta. I think it's that, she want to get my-bba-clot that rod-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ha. God I'm going crazy for that. Ooh, nah, nah, nah. What is that song? First off, there's no way, there's, I bet a thousand dollars. I bet a million dollars. I bet a million dollars.

I bet $100 bucks. That you've heard that song. She wouldn't get my boom, but caught that rat ta ta ta ta ta. Gotta going crazy for that. Ooh, nah, nah, nah. Never heard that. What does that mean? I'm not quite sure.

Let me break. Let me rap genius to say the first line. I believe. This is, this is, this is, you break it. No, you say it and then I'll break it down. Okay. From my perspective. So my first time hearing this.

I think actually he wants to, because she's talking about the show. No, I wasn't going to say it. I was like, he's a progressive song. I was like, what's his name? He's a progressive guy. But he's really just, he's really just breaking open. Yeah, oh, yeah, he's breaking barriers. He want to get that boomba clot, that rotatatat, ta, ta, ta.

He want to get that booma-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. I'm sure he wants a piece of that butt and when it dances it goes rachata, ta, ta, ta. Yeah, he wants some of that just that shaken caboose. Okay, go ahead. And that's the next. Got him going crazy for that ooh-na-na-na-na. Oh, he's got, he's losing his mind over that Poonani. Yeah, he's losing his mind over your cookie.

Yeah, he's absolutely going to nuts. He wants that bison. Yeah, oh, he wants to see that turtle duff. He wants to pet that turtle duff right there. He wants that capy bar. Yeah, he does. Yeah, he does. He wants that fucking dragon.

Here we go. Oh, he wants that bison. that sligoo. Ooh. It's a Pokemon. Oh my God, dude. Okay. What's the next part of this song?

Oh, that's all I know. That's literally all I know. He went to get in that boom-baclod that rat-tat-tah-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Got him going crazy for that. Ooh, na, nah, nah, nah. Yeah. That's it. That's hot.

It's very hot. The You Should Know Podcast. This episode is brought to by Rocket Money. It is, you know, I am not one for stress. I don't handle it well. I don't like it. And you know, something that could be real overwhelming and stressful is organizing finances. I mean, it just, it makes me want to internally combust.

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Police are here. Oh my God. Speaking of police are here, there was a story I had from Minnesota. Why don't I say it like that? Minnesota. Move there? It's not a long story, but it's from SummerSlam. So I was filming for the brand deal outside of the stadium, and I needed a wide shot of the stadium before I walked in. Nice. You could see this on my, actually, you don't have to watch it. Deal's done.

So I was outside shooting a thing, right? And I had to take a couple of takes, I was nervous because I was filming in front of people. I don't like it, and people were interrupting, which is fine, and coming up to me. But behind me, you can see there's a SWAT truck. So there's a SWAT truck that was parked behind me, right? And I got the shot, and I noticed it. And Sarah went, this is a really sick thing for the background. I was like, do you think they'll carry that the SWAT truck's in the background?

I said, nah, it's cool. That looks cool. It gives it an edge. And so I walked past it and there was a guy in the, I assume a SWAT person. He was in the front driver seat, right? And I was pointing at the truck and I was like a little boy and I was like looking at it, right? And he goes, like he gives me a two finger wag. And I think you need to take a water.

There you go. And so he gave me the two finger wagging. He like points at me. I think he notices me or something, but he never fool out says it. He gets out of the truck, right? And I'm looking at it and I was like, dude, this is bad. It's like I've never seen a swat truck this close.

And he goes, that's probably a good thing. And I go, okay. And then he goes, you want to get in? Oh, no, dude. So I said, yeah, sure. You get in. Now there's a picture of this too. Now, but this is where things went south.

I don't know how SWAT trucks work, right? I thought it was just that driver in there. So I get in, I'm joking with the guy outside the SWAT truck, right? And I go, oh, dude, I'm about to go get somebody. And so I jump in the truck, like fast. Like I hop in it and I start moving the wheel like that. I look back. Peyton Hardin.

I look back and there's six dudes like this looking at me. And they say some sort of code. they go they go whoopla or some I don't know what they say some code they know they go whoopla and I go what the fuck and they're six

get on the ground and I go oh shit and then I go he let me he let me and then they banged on the thing and they're like they said let them know or something they get started

having a conversation you gotta let them know before there's a guy if that would have been the end of me outside of the Viking stadium and a swat truck and all the dude gave me some stuff

kicker. Like, hey, like, and there's a picture of this too. I have a picture. CJ put it on the screen. You literally treated it like you were 10. You said, oh, oh, oh my go get the bad guy. And I heard whoopla, whoopla, and I said, what the f***? They go, wooflop into your golf 99er. Get your f*** up on the ground. It was scary. You just go, oh! It was scary, man, for sure. It was a scary experience. It was a scary experience. Bro, oh my God. You're just not, you're not a real person. I go through a lot of stories. And it's so funny like going on TikTok. And by the way, if you're on TikTok watching this, stop calling me Jackson. Yeah. Stop call. Oh my God. No, no, no. It has nothing to do with Jackson, but you just remind me

me something. Okay. I'm finally. I'm willing to die on this hill. I'm finally, finally, going to have this debate with you. Oh, God. What is it? You get on to me for this. And you've done it forever. And my wife gets on to me for this. Okay. But I saw a TikTok that gives me reason and gives me hope. Oh, God. So. I love me you get validation through strangers. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's a real sense of validation. This man has told me for literally a decade. Bro, don't sit on my bed. Bro, we were just outside. Don't sit on my bed. Don't sit on my bed with your outside clothes on.

It is very gross. That's not gross at all. Sitting on a bed with outside clothes on is probably top three most disgusting things you can do. That's not gross at all. If I got in your bed, you have a conversation. The top of the comforter never touches you. You get under the comforter. Because if you want to hold that standard,

every day you get back home, you sit on the couch. You sit on the couch. You're outside clothes on. You sit on the couch. Other people do. Everybody's outside clothes on the couch. It's designated for that, yes. I have, but I have seen you shirtless on your couch.

People take naps on your couch. Sure. That's your couch. And you want to talk about bacteria, whatever, the outside clothes. There's not sheets in there. I'm talking about sheets. That's what if I'm on the sheets. You are on the sheets.

Germs spread, bro. Germs travel. And the main thing is... If I make your sheets, first off, I'm a psycho. Second off, now you have an issue. We have walked... If I sit on the edge of your bed like that, an outside close.

Don't touch my bed. Like, why do you want to... First of all, first of all, getting in another man's room is crazy. Like, if you're in a stranger's house, you never even go to their primary bedroom. You don't even go in there. And then to get on their bed,

I mean, that's crazy. That's sanctuary. That's fine. And that is sanctuary. I'm saying, just the baseline fact. I agree with you on that. Sitting on a bed with outside clothes is disgusting. No, it's not.

That is a... That is a... sin. No, it is not. It is because look, that is a place of rest in Haven, right? The outside world is disgusting. There's few places, like you can go on a couch with your outside clothes on. That's fine because that's a community spot. Couches are communal. But it's in your house. That's fine. And it's the same germs you're talking about. Yes, but that is a communal spot that is just for lounging and just hanging and it's four you can eat on it. You can do all that different stuff. That's fine. Like these couches. Sure. This is not the same as a bed.

It's supposed to just sit casually talk. That's fine. Just like the kitchen, if you go and put dishes in that sink, it's not gross. But if you go put dishes in your bathroom sink, that's disgusting. That is gross. Exactly. It's the same premise. But you understand what I'm saying?

I understand exactly what you're saying. Sanctuary, safe haven, peace, and rest. Inshallah. All that's fine. Right. I'm saying the actual argument of me being on top of the bed, me being in the bed. But that's even wrong either way.

You're saying the top of your comforter never touches your body or your sheets or your face. How are you sleeping? What? If I sit at the edge of your bed, do you get after a long day and you go,

I'm going to take a resty. And you're like that on the comfort to the bottom? That's a crazy person. I mean, dude. I mean, you just fulfilled some dreams right there. That screenshot is going to get sticky on some people's phones.

And that's not okay. But I'm saying the comforter, because you've always said this, my wife always said this, and I finally saw it. invalidates me and I'm here for I'm here to stay the top of the comforter oh my what is it show and tell we're gonna okay no you shut up so like say this is the shut up so this is the comfort right this is the top of it mm-hmm I get under it right mm-hmm oops my my body's on this

my comforter now and I'm like this I curl up I twirl and I go like this yeah that's directly on my cheek on my face that's not where I'm sitting why would I sit on your pillows you've laid on my bed I've laid on it and that's fine and whatever. I mean your whole body's on my on my bed. Give me the comfort. This is the bed, right? Yes.

This is the bed. Yeah. For the sake of the argument, that, this is the front of the bed. Yeah. This is the back. Yeah. This is the back of the bed over here. Right.

If I ever sit on your bed for a quick conversation, we just walked in, I am sitting at the, I'm talking the absolute big toe of the bed. Show me. Very end. Oh, you're a lying piece of a shit. Oh, you're a liar. Oh, you're a liar. This is right down.

Why would I go and take my white and put it right on your pillows and go, dude, let's talk about lunch. You have done that. You've sat on- Oh my god, and you put your arm on my pillow like this. You put your arm on my pillow like this. That's in the hotel! That's my bed. That's first off-

You can't say shit about cleanliness in a hotel. You live like you're- like you've been homeless. No, no, you know you do. You really go, dude, those chips are good. Oh, no, no, it's terrible. Back to the bed. You can't say shit about a hotel. a hotel. You go, oh, oh, that's what you do inside of a hotel. Yeah, that's what they're for.

That, no, that is, I mean, but the, you know the crazy part is, you know the crazy thing is, is the fact that it bothers you that I tell you, you can't sit in a specific part in my house. No, that's fair. I'm talking about just the sentiment. I had to get that across. It's disgusting. It's disgusting. Because the, I don't know, because basically the video, the guy was saying, I don't ever want to hear you tell me that, yes, the guy was, was why. It was why? It was, it was He's okay. He said, I don't want you to tell me I can't sit on my bed with my outside clothes if everyone does it on their couch.

And multiple people do it on their couch. It's different. And it's every day on their couch. It's different. Because that's not where you rest your head at night. I understand. If you're taking your wranglers and you're sitting on your pillow, you're already a creep. People sit in the middle of the bed on the edge.

Yeah. Toward the bottom. Yeah. That's fine. That comfort is not touching your face. You're going to open it at the top. You're going to slid it right in and close it. they're right in and close up.

You don't have another question for you. That is a, I mean, that's a fair debate. I mean, it's just nasty people trying to confirm their nastiness. It's nasty people trying to be heard. But a lot of people. We matter. But a lot of people have been like sending me stuff because like I've been reading off like questions that I've gotten from the audience, which I really love.

And so this girl named L-A-I, or her name's Joy on Instagram, she sent me a question that I really like. Okay. Really like. Whenever you. you're taking a number two, right? When you're in the bathroom taking the number two. Do you...

Okay. I am so excited to see what you today because I'm very passionate about this. When you sit down to take a poo, when you're done, do you stand up to flush or do you stay sitting to flush? That's a question.

I stand up and flush. Really? I stand up and flush. Why? That's when I look at my poop. Oh, I've never looked at my stool. I've never looked at I have no idea what comes out of me looks like. I don't ever want to know that. 27 years, I've never seen my own poop.

So you look when you wipe, but you don't look at the actual byproduct. Yes, 100%. If that's not being born first, if that's not an backwards baby, I don't know what it is, dude. No, there's no, there's actually that I'm starting to get a little irritated.

Why? That's disgusting to me. And first of all, the people, okay, I'm blindfolded when I cut the steak and then I peek at the bite, but I never look at the actual. I'm gonna have an argument because I know your argument. Why do you look at your stool?

I don't know if there's an exact reason, but you look, you want to see if it's runny, diarrhea-e? I can feel that coming out of me. I don't need to look at it. But I can't feel it when I wipe. You can't. There's called a ghost wipes. There's called you.

I understand, but you look at it just for that. That is like the- Are you to see if you're healthy? The logging, yeah. Is there what's in there? Is there blood? Okay, but that's fair. That's fair.

But if I were, I'm not a doctor, bro. I barely know math. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I just found out where Chicago is. That's fine. I do not know things. And so if I'm looking at that, I'm just, now I'm just being freak. I'm like, look at that pot.

I'm not sure I have a reason for looking at my shit. It's disgusting. It's primal, bro. I go, all right, I'm done. Last one. That one's a little dry. I think we're done. That's crazy.

No, that's crazy. No, that makes me question you as a man. That's just, please don't. Please don't potty trade Malachi. Please take him to our house. I'll potty train him. Please do. If I take him to your house to potty train,

he's going to piss on the walls. No, he won't. He's going to be like, Woo! Rockstar! No, you're kidding. No, first of all, I sit down, I'll get to your kid in a minute.

I have something to say about him. What? But when I sit down when I flush, one, because I don't want to look, there's no point. Two, I can reach. Yeah. Three, it sometimes if your pot has enough water,

it's like a free bidet. You get a little kiss from God. live. That, no. It's sort of like this. That, if you're letting, go, ho! If you're letting finding Nemo go, help! And kiss your ass. That, no, I love it. That's disgusting. I love it. And you cannot, first off, you can't, I know we can reach. If I got a courtesy flush, I'm not to blow a hole in someone's bathroom, yeah. Courtesy flush. I've never heard of this. I think we are equally gross on this poop spectrum, which on different teams. You've never looked at your, but you look when you wipe. Yes. To know if I'm done.

Cleanliness. Okay, cool. Cleanliness. You don't look at your poop. No, no reason. And you have never courtesy flushed. I'm sure I have, but it's not a regular thing. As opposed to me, I don't look when I wipe until I feel done.

It's gross. And then I check the last wipe. Gross. I do look at my poop and I will courtesy flush. Why do you courtesy flush? It's a smell. In your own home? No, God no.

Oh, okay. God no, no. You only courtesy flush when you're going to go someone else's house. That's why I'm not. You don't do it in public or if you're in someone else's house. Oh, and I'm in some. You know, something that you're father. clearly doesn't understand. Your father dropped a missile in my house. He cleared out the whole

bottom floor. That's the craziest ever smelled my entire life. His dad took one poop in my guest bathroom downstairs. My entire first floor of my home was ruined. Yeah. It's insane. Yeah. He's been known. Like whenever my parents were dating and they like moved in together an apartment, my mom would make him go to the gas station to poop anytime, like on a regular day, he'd be like, I have to poop and he has to get in his car and go somewhere. That's, that's, I never love somebody that. Yeah. Never love somebody that. I'm not doing that. I swear to go.

If Liv was like, you need to go to the gas-age poop, I'd be like, you're out of your mind. You're lost. You're out of your mind. You're lost. Okay, first off, that, to end the poop, I think the more normal one is to stand up. I think more people would say they stand up to flush.

I know, because I like to linger a little bit afterwards. I like to sit there, maybe talk. Maybe talk. To myself, like, what's the world going to bring me when I open that door? What are you bouncing ideas off yourself? Oh, I think a lot. You become your own assistant? Oh, the bathroom is like the most creative place for me.

Dude, the bathroom is just like a quick five-minute break for me, like a breathing time. That's a very married. Like a dad married. Oh, my God. The lawn and the bathroom. And I don't do my own lawn work, so all I got is the shit. Yeah, that's crazy. That's ridiculous.

But speaking of your son. Yeah, what the hell is this? He came over. Oh, my God, he did. I babysitted Cam's kid. I don't know if that vlogs out. Babyset. What?

Babysat. Babysat. Babysat. Baby sat. It's past tense. You babysitted. I babysitted. You didn't babysitted.

No, you didn't. You babysat Malachi. I babysitted in Malachi. Yeah. Oh, I babysitted him. Oh my God. I babysit your kid. Yeah.

And I would like to make this proclamation. Oh my God. You better watch your tongue. I have made your kid smarter. He left my house smarter than you brought him. Furthest thing from the truth. That's so true. How do you think so?

I've taught him things. How do you, what did you teach him? Dude, because he honestly, he was a little regress from what I thought he was. My kid, okay, this is not a parent. Oh, my kid's the best. Oh, no, it's 100% that. No, it's not. My kid is genuinely.

He's really smart. Genuinely, very smart. You know, it's actually kind of weird. It is. But not as smart as I thought he was. You definitely brought it up to a tier. And so I was talking to him like, hey, brother, you want to like, you know what I mean? Yeah, he's 18 months.

Right. He doesn't know what, hey, brother. You know what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about? Hey, hey, brother. Hey, big dog. You know what I'm saying? Brother.

He's not going to be the, what? Hey, bro. No, and so, I like, he, he didn't know. I had to teach him what a banana was. That's not true. I know, I taught him. No, no, no. Nana, that's wrong.

See, I don't teach him wrong things. So, and I course corrected him. It was cute. So I was holding him right, and we were feeding him, right? And he, God, he's nasty and gross. Oh, he's so gross. Oh, this food gets everywhere, boy. So gross.

And y'all didn't bring a goddamn booster seat, whatever it's called for him to eat. And so I'm Sarah and I, but I have. fucking on him. Your kid would have starved if it was up to me. I'm not holding him during that. But Sarah was holding him, right, and feeding him. He was all over her hands and I was like, oh, oh my God. He was mixing mac and applesauce. I said, oh, God. And he thought

a piece of chicken was a bug. And I said, lock in, kid. It's not a bug. Anyway, so it was cute. Welcome. Welcome. That was a, you had a four-hour taste test today. Yeah, and so over there, on the right side of my kitchen, I have a tub of bananas. And we had just gotten off the

phone with my mom and he calls my mom Nanny. Nanny. And so we just hung up the phone. He hung up on her, racist by the way. There's already out. Well, yeah, no, and there's, no, that's the one thing I'm gonna have to work on a little harder. But hey, no, they're great people.

So there is a segment in, so he goes, Nana. And I said, no, Nanny just hung up the phone, brother. And he goes, Nana. And I said, it sounds like you're regressed. My boy knows what he's talking about. No, no. And then said, me, bye. Why? Hang up.

Then he said, Nana. Yeah. Banana. And, well, no, he didn't say banana. Oh my God. And so. You shorten things all the time.

And so, what do I shorten? Oh, you know, shorten things. We say it wrong. You know, babysit it is. It's babysat, you dumb. Here we go. And so I learned. Sarah had to teach me because I don't speak dumb.

And so. You better watch it. She goes, she goes, he's talking about the bananas. And I go, well, he's saying it wrong. And she goes, he's a baby. And I go, well, how does he learn? Teaching him right. Right?

And so I. brought it over and he started going nana and he wanted it right and so i said not until you say it all right you held you held my son hostage to his own food when he was saying the correct word interesting no no no no he was saying nana and i said banana and he was like bah and i said banana and he was like he said bananan ban and i said god damn past three syllables you're He's 18 months. He's 18 months. But then you're treating him like he's three already.

But then, well, I said he was gonna be, that's how he's gonna get ahead. And so he went, he went behind that now. And I was close enough. And I fed him and he sucked on it twice and threw it. And I said, you wasteful son of a bitch. He's probably already full. And he, dude, he stresses me out, dude. So I spent $300.

No one told you to do that first. Well, I'm a great uncle. I did not believe you. I'm a great uncle. Good uncle, yeah. No, great. No, good uncle. No, good uncle.

He doesn't have a fire truck tent at your house, but he was on my house. equate to money in what you spent. He said you looked at my kid, you held him hostage from his food, you told him he was wrong and stupid. You called him a wasteful piece of shit and he didn't feed him. And so I bought him a bunch of books, right? He loved the books I picked. He loved books. Right? And so, and he's a nerd. Book, read, book, read. I said, you don't want to throw some shit around? He didn't. He didn't. He didn't all day. He'll do it all. Yeah, but he really heavy on the reading that day. And so I was sitting there reading, bro, and it pissed me off. So I was reading and the book, the book didn't make sense.

Oh, he never wrote it sucks. Dude. And he goes, it was a Spider-Man book. And it was so off of canon events. I was like, these people would never be in a room together. And so it was like, Spider-Man fought black pants. No, he didn't. Spider-Man was with D.C.

And Marvel is now in the multiverse with Batman. I didn't know he's not. And so I was reading it. And he goes, Spider-Man did something with Green Goblin, right? And so I was reading it. And he was locked in. The second sentence, it had a little apostrophe. there so it made me stutter and as soon as i stuttered on my word kid was out of the book he like

like he was a media life i said in spider m'clock climb the tree and he literally closed the book he said hey hey man hey man you're gonna do this right i know i know my dad says you you know you're little different whatnot but can you read to me brother yeah all right yeah and then um and dare say your wife took too long to pick him back up they were she was gone for a while there was a time i said god whole saturday's gone i said someone come take the kid Yes or no, did you go out for drinks afterwards? What? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I went crazy. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean crazy, and I almost spent $25,000 on a bottle of wine on accident. This episode is brought to you by the greatest of all time. I'm going to look directly into the camera the whole time. It is Fabletics. Fabletics is the greatest brand on earth.

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wearing it right now and you should be wearing it too. Now on to the rest of the episode. Okay. I don't know if I'm having a stroke. You said 25 grand. I almost spent $25,000 on a bottle of wine at a restaurant. How does one accidentally almost do that? How in the absolute hell do you accidentally almost buy a 25,000? I almost bought a Prius. We were out and about and I just, I almost bought a Rav for it was crazy. So me and and Sarah, we went to a nice dinner together and we're like, we haven't been on a date in so long, babe, let's get dressed up and we went. We went to this like really nice seafood restaurant. And a lot of the words in there didn't make sense to me. And there wasn't like prices on

the menu for everything. Oh, God, you know you're in a scary territory. And so it was really dark in there. Oh, God. They're trying to take it all. And so I was trying to be big baller or right, whatever. So I'm, you know, if I'm getting old, so I was looking at the menu, I was like, I was like, I was like, cheap a tail and stuff will fail. And so, you got a cheeseburger? And so, that's, no, I got to have that accent. Okay, so, and so we're ordering, right? I start off with an old fashion.

I drink the old fashion. And then Sarah's like, let's, you want to share a bottle of wine? She's like, I kind of feel wine. Like, we always, you know, I was like, oh, yeah, let's get some wine, surety. And so I was like, let's get a bottle. And I was like, you know what, babe? I'll pick. Right.

I'll pick. Yuck. And so I'm looking at the, I'm looking at the, the. The wine, right? And some of them have prices, some of them don't. I don't really know wines. I know I like red wine, I think. I don't really know.

And so one of them had like this like nice star asterisk, like it had a little more celebration on the thing. Just written on the menu? Yeah. And I was like, I was like, oh, I was like, is this a wine? And she goes, she goes, this is one of the most world renowned wines you could buy. And I said, I'm a world renown type of bribes. Bring me the wine. Yeah, you are.

And now I've been in nice restaurants where they bring a bottle of wine, right? And it takes probably like, you know, 10 minutes, maybe at most. They got to go get it out from the back of the thing, whatever, da-da-da, prep it up, make it look nice. Now, I should have known something was wrong. Whenever the waitress left and she didn't go to the wine cabinet or the kitchen, she went to the back, right? Where, like, the manager and everybody was at. She went to the vault. And now the security of the restaurant, I see them all on their earpieces.

And I'm like, I was like, I don't know. You know, some shady's going on. Some shady's going on, right? Now, two security guards come over, and the owner of the restaurant, he wasn't there. He came in. So, like I said, it took like 35 minutes. The owner of the restaurant. He called the owner in?

He came into the restaurant, right? And he was nice. And he goes, hi, Mr. Hardin, nice to meet you. I'm so and so. And I was like, oh, you watch the podcast. Right? Because that happens sometimes, right? The owner will come up.

Valid. The security was strange. right it's in their eagles landed talking to the prospect right now and so they're going they're going you have a you know amazing taste and i was like they're like would you they're like would you like to go to the back room we have a private like back room and i said no i'm fine here i'm fine i'm like in the middle of like a tail here i'm actually still eating my food man if you don't mind like i'm a two table top like in the middle of the restaurant like not even secluded at all i'm just in the middle of this restaurant and so i go no no okay sir you want to go to

no, I'm fine. Now, they bring out this wine, right? And it's like vaulted in this case. And then there's this guy with this display thing where he's about to peel the cork. Now they're like, this wine, they only make 4,000 of them globally a year. And I said, wow, that sounds expensive. And I go, and then he go, and I go, wow, man, that's awesome. I was like, so y'all got one? and they're like, yeah, we did. And they're like a glass of this wine is $4,900. I said, what? I said, oh, ooh, ooh, I said a glass.

And now at this time, the guy, there's a guy who's like a wine specialist or whatever. He's starting to prepare. Now he has like meta glasses on, right? And he's like looking at the wine. He's like, he's like about making a presentation. He was like a wine enthusiast. He was so excited about opening this bottle. And the bottle is called 2019.

Domain de la Romani Coentee, DRC, Romani Conti Grand Cruy bottle, 750 milliliters, and you can buy it online right now at $25,000. But you can't just buy it at a store, you have to win it in an auction or like stuff like that. And so the guy was going to peel it. And as soon as he said it's 20, like it was $5,000 a bottle. I said, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I go, I go, so how much is the bottle? And he goes, roughly $25,000. I said, never come back here. Never come to this table with that. I said, oh, this is a big mistake. I drink Josh wine from Target. I don't know what you got going, dog.

I drink prisoner. Like, I don't know what this is you have going on. Four years ago, I was slapping a bag. Like, I don't know. Oh my God, Josh wine is prisoner is so good. I started a guy. Dude, Sarah was eating losses. She went,

and I, dude, my heart hit my ass. Oh, 100%. I've, like, I was like, Hey, whoa, it's time. Oh, stop. I would have physically assaulted him before you get that label open. I would be like, no.

Yeah, so I'm never going back to that restaurant again. You know what embarrassing that is? You can't have the presentation leave your table. Everybody else at the restaurant was like this. Yeah, everyone. I wonder what he's getting. I wonder what, oh, there go, oh. That's the guy from the podcast.

Oh, wow. I guess they tell really good jokes. I guess they tell the best jokes. That's kind of happened to me at a bank. I can't tell it. I can't keep telling stories. Yeah, you told me that. I'll tell you that next week.

That is absolutely. Bank teller held up my check like that. He said, I don't know. I could sue chase. I could sue chase. That was crazy. I was crazy.

I've never found so violated. Bro, you, okay, you just randomly said, uh, or, oh, sorry. You said about the dinner experience. That same night. that you watched Malachi, Liv was feeling froggy, and she wanted to- Clay Tigers?

No, she wanted to cook dinner. Oh, oh. Oh, no, no. She was feeling feisty. I go, oh, you got something? She got, yeah, she made me a cassidia. That's marriage, baby. No, she wanted to cook dinner, and it is,

and we're just fresh off the second baby. So I'm like, I don't expect much right now. She's killing it. She's killing the game. You go, hey. No, but she wanted to cook dinner. We've been getting meat. meals and stuff, a lot. So she wanted to put in very, yeah, yeah. And very simple. We wanted to do

like the heatables, right? Cool. So I'm, we get Malachi back from your house. We put him down and I'm rocking myelin. She's just in the kitchen. She's like, I really just want to cook time. Go for it. She cooks the food. It's great. Now, I don't know if this is a sign from the Lord or just a terrible accident. I put myelin in his bouncer. He's perfectly fine. We go through the whole dinner. Everything's good. I eat my whole bowl. Great. Now he starts to get a little chatty.

My wife goes, oh, you had him last baby. I'll go take care of him. She goes and gets myelin. I'm looking at her bowl. There's a decent amount of food left. I go, oh, I sure am hungry.

I go, babe, you're done? You done with your bowl, right? Like, you're done, right? I'm no longer asking. I'm telling you, you're done, right? Yeah, you're finished. And she goes,

uh, yeah, I'm done, yeah. You can have it. And I go, oh, thanks. Awesome. I grabbed the bull. And I went, who. What is that?

What did I tell you? I don't know if this was a sign from God or if my wife was trying to murder me. And she's a genius. What happened? I take that third bite. I literally thought I've, like, cracked my entire mouth,

not even a tooth, my whole mouth. There was a screw. There was a screw. in the fajita bowl. And I, again, I immediately went, and I went, what the fuck? I could, I could leave for way less.

I would divorce for way less than that. I would divorce for way less than that. Are you out of your mind? You put a bolt with a washer in the, in my fajita bowl? Like, you can't mistake that. You can't accidentally do it. That doesn't fall from the kitchen. She knew, oh, one other time she's like,

oh, I'll go get myelin. She knew it. Yeah. She said, no, I'll get the baby, babe. You eat. And I said, you finish right? She goes, she tried to play it off. Yeah, you can have the rest, I guess.

That was a clean bolt, too. She just, she got that bolt specifically. Oh, it's not a clean bolt. No, that bitch was dirty. I swear to the Lord. I put on anything I've ever loved, on my sons, on my wife, everything. Yeah.

I literally took a bite. And I thought it was like the craziest from like like H-EB ever. I thought there's like a like a fish bone inside of the chicken breast. And I went, oh, and then I went, it was a. God, you have strong enamel. My tooth would have been, I would have had no teeth. Yeah, you went, I would have been like a Popeye episode. Yeah, I did one side, this whole side's gone too.

Wait, did you talk to her? Did you ask her what, what happened? Payton, I screamed in my house. I said, what the fuck? She went, what are you doing? What? She goes, what? Yeah, she said, what?

What can be going so wrong? And I went, there's a screw in my mouth. She's like, what are you talking about? And I said, Olivia, I'm not kidding. Come look at this. And I showed her the screw. And then literally, she, she acted like she had no idea. She was like, that's so crazy.

Like, how can that happen? But no, she had no idea. She was like, what the hell? But, like, so then I go down to, obviously I don't think my mind. wife put it in there. Oh, you better than me. Yeah, she could have.

And I'm going to- Somebody's getting blamed. I'm going to hire PI. Two other than them kids are them. I'm a higher PI. But then I'm like, genuinely, it low-key has to be her. Yeah.

A screw can't fall into a feedable. Yeah, you can't. That's what I'm saying. Everything was made on the stove. Yeah. The bowls were right there. Food went straight into the bowls. It doesn't accidentally happen.

That doesn't have. That's not an accident. Can't even tell you the last time I was seen a loose bolt. That's what I'm saying. Can't even tell you. And you know what's crazy? There's a couple loose bolts in the junk drawer. Guess where the junk drawer is right next to the stove.

Oh, she went, she said, yeah, he's been rude today. That is crazy. Is it crazy to get a P.I. For your wife? Circumstantial. See, okay, what if you assume that she's cheating, right? You just have an assumption like a gut feeling. Here we go.

Is it worse to be wrong? Is it worse to get a P.I. And be wrong? Or is it worse to get a P.I. And be right. It's definitely worse to be wrong. Oh, no, you're crazy. You're crazy.

If I get a PI and he brings me a picture of my wife getting railed or like first off how'd you get that image? That's incredible work. What are you in the air shaft? It's a POV. He's in the, You're going to hear a job. Wow, you're investigative, man. How did you get that angle?

Were you in the vent? Zoomed in or no? He's like this. He's like, I got a video too if you want. Oh my God. Do you think that's like PI's like secondary job? It's like, oh, I got her cheating. So I know she's cheating.

might as well get one in too. Oh, my gosh. That'd be Robbie if he was a PI. Oh, 100%. What'd you do if that Cubs guy? I, okay, but listen, if I get a PI, he brings physical evidence. They're at a bar together.

They, oh, she, a girl's night at the casino. It's just her and a dude. Whatever. Yeah. Everything I felt is now justified. The money I've spent is justified. Right. And now the ball is in my court,

and I can do whatever I want going forward. I'm not talking about some sick revenge plot. I'm talking about if I want to leave, I can leave. If I want to whatever. if I want to confront her. If I pay money and a guy goes, man, I mean, she spends a lot on coffee, but it's all I got for you.

She's as honest as they come. That's way worse because now I don't trust my wife when she's told me that she's not doing anything. But you already didn't trust her before because you hired the PI. Or you're even thinking about hiring the PI. Even if you didn't go through with it. My distrust, if it's proven right, I know I wasn't tripping and I know I'm real. But if I, my distrust is there's nothing there, no substance. I don't trust my wife.

I don't love her enough. That's her fault. And I wasted money. You're insane. Explain to me how if it's right, that's better. Because if I, even, I think having the thought of hiring a PI

and not going through with it is the same as having the thought of a PI and going through with it. You had the thought, regardless. Might as well go through with it and make yourself feel good. But what if nothing shows up?

Then I'll be okay. That's what I wanted. Thank God. Nothing's going on. All right, you did your job. I did my job. We're good. I'm just being thorough.

That's, but you wouldn't do that for no reason. But that breaks the complete barrier of trust. No, I'll tell you. Maybe. There's no way. Hey, I thought you were cheating. You hire a PI for Sarah. Yeah.

Tails are for two weeks. Brings back absolutely nothing. You're out several thousand dollars. I'd be like, and literally sit down at dinner and go, hey, by the way, I had someone following you for two weeks. I thought you were cheating on me, but you're not. I love you.

Let's go watch Hunter Hunter. I would say it cooler than that. By the way, I watch that alone. But I would do a clue of that. I would be drinking, right? I rejected a $25,000 wine. No, we're just sitting there drinking. I'm like, drinking our Josh wine.

I'm like, yeah. Slapped bag. I'm like, oh, oh, my God. Babe, dude, life's crazy, man. Dude, you know, you know me. I'm so insecure sometimes, dude. So wild. I thought you were cheating on me.

Here, I'll be Sarah. I was cheat. I thought you were cheated on me. And I, like, I hired a private investigator, too. Like, crazy thing. I was wrong. I love being wrong, though. I don't know.

You, babe, you hired a private investigator on me? What the fuck? What is wrong with you? I thought you were cheating. Yeah, I heard that and you didn't stutter, surprisingly. Yeah. Well, that's fair. Why would you hire a price?

You didn't even bring this up to me. You didn't even question me about it. Because you're, you could hide it. And let's get out of the scene. Hiring a private investigator is the same thing as going through your partner's phone. It's the same thing. You're just finding a professional phone go-goer through it. You might be a different breed of insane.

I think I've just been through a lot. I think you've been through a lot more than one little little boy's heart should take, but going through a partner's phone, I see what you're saying. The bridge. It's way different levels of severe. I don't think so. My girl goes to take a shit. She leaves the phone and I snoop through it real quick.

Oh, there's nothing. Oh, thank God. Do you tell her you went through it? First off, how do you contact a private investigator? Oh, it's easy. There's billboards everywhere. You're dead. Seriously?

Is that easy? Buildboards online, dude. The internet's a vast place. You're kidding. No. Dude, I might get one. Not for live. not for live.

I might put one on like my dad or something. I want to do, oh, that would be a good one. Your dad would end up killing the guy. My dad. Your dad would be taking a picture and then all of a sudden he goes,

he thinks he has my dad. My dad put up like a prop suit of stuff. It's just like a fake dummy guy over there. And he's like, all right, we got this. Zoom in a little bit. My dad goes,

hey man, you got directions to the. Yeah, I don't think it's crazy that hire a private investigator on your partner. And I really don't. Not thinking it's crazy, that's your own thing.

I'm saying, there's no way. That's like any, there's just, there's no way that buying something, especially with you and money, you're like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, if you bought a private investigator, several thousand dollars, and nothing comes out of it. Yeah, no, something did come out of it. I bought a piece of mind. I bought a piece of mind.

It's not, it's not crazy. It's the same thing as like, hey, homie, will you go drive by her house real quicks here for cars there? That's not the same at all. Yes, it is. That's someone you trust, that's a friend, and it's free. Oh, I trust a private investigator. You don't know them.

I trust them, though. They're good at the job. Yeah, until they send you a picture of them cracking from behind. Yeah. They go, oh, yeah, she's cheating, dog. Check out the link. Funny enough, somebody's unemployed right now. They're like, that's not a bad job.

Yeah, that's not a bad idea. How do you get a certificate to be a PI? But you played a, speaking of your wife, you played a game with her on TikTok. I don't talk about my wife. I'm fine not. You played a game with her on your, on y'all's TikTok. It didn't really viral and I kind of feel left out. Well, let's play it.

We're the game people. Let's play it. Let's play the number game. Let's play the number game, buddy. This episode of the Usenot Podcast is brought to you by booking.com. Let me tell you guys something about the last time I felt the pool of travel. It was like a couple months ago. I was on Instagram.

It's the middle of summer. Everybody's posted. Ooh, I'm in L.A. Oh, I'm in Miami. Oh, I'm in New York. Oh, I'm in the mountain springs of Colorado. Oh. Didn't want to go there, so I didn't feel the pool there.

But with all these other places, I'm like, geez, just that itch of travel. I want to do it. And I found an easy way to do it, the best way to do it from getting for point A to point B, and that is booking.com. And the accommodations with booking.com is second to none. I mean, if I want a specific hotel, a vacation home, if I want something with a balcony, if I want something near water, there's nothing like the accommodations at booking.com. The whole thing is fast and easy.

I genuinely love booking.com to get from point A to point B. So go on, book that trip. It's easy. Booking.com, booking. Dot, yeah. All right, let's play the number game. I got a number on Cam's head. Can't put a number on my head.

We don't know our numbers and we have to guess. Based on a question, we have to ask questions to find out our number. Exactly. You want to go first? Okay, sure. You go first. All right. Is this?

Could I eat this many meals? in one day. Oh, God. Oh, God. No. Okay. Okay, good. Okay.

Could I have this many girlfriends within one year? No. No. But that could be too less or too many. You know, that's a wise thing. Okay. Does it take me this many minutes to explain a simple story? Yes.

Yes, it does. Oh, God, yes. Oh, God, yes. Oh, yeah. Might be undershooting it. Okay. Okay. Okay, hold on. Okay, here we go. Does, would this be too short of a time in minutes to have coitus? Ooh, God. Okay, let me harass it. Would this be a good amount of time in minutes to have coitus? Definitely depends on, depends on the animal we're talking about here. Depends on the animal.

What do you mean? Depends on that capybara depends on what is what is the necessity to that to that woman For me speaking on in my preference yeah it's good It's like would it be like record breaking for you? Oh no no no no it's not record breaking but that's like a that's an honorable Oh this is average day night blue collar job if you know what I'm saying okay so under 60 seconds Got you okay Okay for me yeah in your in your I don't want to put your dirty laundry out there Yeah, and that's fine.

Is this an appropriate amount of times? I'm going to rephrase. Yes. You can ask anything. Don't worry about it. Is this an appropriate amount of times to take someone out on a date before bedding them?

Oh, no. Oh, God, no. Oh, bed much quicker than this. Oh, I mean, astronomically quicker. Bed much quicker than it. I've given up by that time. I've given up. If I haven't seen the moose,

I'm out by that time. Are you crazy? Just let it winked at me. Okay, okay, so I'm a lot, okay, now I'm higher. I'm thinking way higher. Okay, could you eat this many McChicons? Yes. Okay, so we're above 100.

Okay, all right, now we're back. So the question in the big chickens, we're on a wide spectrum here. Okay, so I take this long to explain stories. You would have given up if you didn't get the cookie after this many dates. Oh, my God. You don't understand.

The number might be blocked. That's so awesome. Okay, if this, if you multiplied this number. Oh, I can't. What'd you write on my note? I can't. Especially those, no, no, no. If you multiplied this number.

I need a calculator. But with any number you say. Multiply by that? What's on my note? I would need a count. There's not a number you could put next to that multiplication and I would know it off the top of my head. Okay, absolutely not.

Time zero. Oh, it's zero. Yeah, yeah. I know that one. Oh, zero and one are the only chances I have I'm getting that one right. Okay. Okay.

Is this number will, I'm thinking it's like in a thousand to something. Yes. Is this number an appropriate amount of time to, oh no. Is this number in, that's creepy. I don't want to ask that. Is this number an appropriate amount of money to spend on a shopping spree? It depends. Are you asking for us?

Yeah. Are you buying your wife something? Oh my God, how big is this number? No, I'm saying? Are you buying your wife something on the shopping spree? No, let's say it's you and me. Oh, let's say it's you. Actually, I know you better than me.

And we're on a spree? Not a, sure, not a spree. Couldn't get me out the car for that. Couldn't get you out of the car. No. Oh, so, okay, so it's nowhere near high. Okay, I think I know what vibe I meant. Okay.

I think I know where I met. Okay. Okay. If I hugged your wife this many times in a day, would it be appropriate or would it be creepy. Knowing y'all's relationship, it'd be creepy. Okay, without a relationship. Without your relationship. Just like, in general, would you be like, all right, bro, it's too many times? Or would you be like, oh, it's fine? I mean, I love when, when, like, y'all, you are a cuck. I forgot. You're like, holder, man. Kiss her on the neck, man. I forget you're a cuck, dude. I just love when my people

love each other. You, dude, you're so much of a cuck that even your hotel rooms have that chair. Like, you have the chair in your home and your hotel. We had the same hotel room, I didn't have a chair. That's so strange. I meant to bring that up. That's a fact. Yes, it'd be a little strange. Okay. It'd be a little strange.

All right. Last one. If me and Sarah had a conversation for this long in minutes. I don't like you and Sarah doing anything for that exact increment. If you and my girlfriend are doing anything for that increment, there's a problem. We're having a conversation. You and my girls should never see that increment. Ever.

Okay. Ever. Okay. Okay. Okay. I shouldn't even think about that increment. I shouldn't think about that number with my girlfriend. Don't do it.

Don't do not do it. It's strange. It's weird. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. Okay. All right, go. If I self-pleasureed this many times in a week,

would it be concerning or would it be like, oh, you're just a young man? One, you're not that young. One, you're not that young. Two, industry average, I would say, no. Oh, okay. I know where I'm at. To my heart, I would say yes. All right, so I'm above 12. Oh, no. Well, wait, you said that that would be concerning. Oh, at least in industry average. No, but it was concerning. Oh, yeah. Not concerned. Concerning number? I don't really remember what I asked. Yeah, industry average, they would say no for that many times in a week. Okay. I would say yes.

I have my question. I have my, I have my guess. All right. Do you want to guess first or me? I'll guess first. Okay. My number. Go based off of break it down. Go based on. I'm going based off, so you said the time that you have coitus, which immediately locked me into sub five. Right? Then I brought in the hug. You did? That threw me off because you would have anything above 10 for your wife. Get that hunch, man. Feel her up. Dude, dude, she's having a little. She likes when you feel her spine like that when you hug her. Feel her spine. Grab her by the neck. Do it. Whatever you like. I don't care. I never said that. I just said she's had a bad day. Don't give her a hug.

You're like, give her a kiss on the cheek. Like, leave it, leave it, leave it. Hold on. Go ahead. Do it again. And got it. Um, I would say my guess is four. Four.

Yes. Reveal the number. Eight? Eight times in a week? To self pleasure, you creep? I said no. I said the industry average, all these genders out there. They'd be like, dude, that's like barely over once a day.

You would want me to hug your wife eight times in one day? I said no to that. I said yes. No, I said no. Okay, Kim, you're not lasting eight minutes. I said no. This is a superpower if you were to go eight minutes. Wait, eight minutes like just like insertion.

Yes. Yeah, no. I got to soap myself a bit high on that. Okay, okay. That was, okay, that was a solid guess though. Yeah. Now for me, I should not eat this many meals in a day. No.

You shouldn't, but you probably, you've gotten close. I should not eat this many meals in a day. I should never think of me and Sarah in any regard of anything. If that number, don't, if that number's in your head, don't think about my girlfriend. And, okay, and then what was, there was someone, a time one,

would I ask a time one? I said, does it take me this many, seconds or minutes to tell a story? Okay, so that right there, I'm thinking I'm in the, the increment with the girlfriend with Sarah got me, I'm thinking I'm double digits, something. Oh, yeah, you are.

Oh, yeah, you are. Is it like a white joke? Yeah, and I don't know how to multiply. Like a Larry Bird? No, and I don't know how to multiply this number with anything. I don't know. It's complicated. Okay, hold on.

Hold on. Any, anything to do with being Sarah at this increment? Yes. You sick. Is it 69? It is. It sure is. You kind of right.

It is. I sure was why I said, he don't even like me talking to Sarah? I said, we've hung out of Sarah a lot. He said, No, no, no, nothing of that number and my girlfriend should ever be in your head.

Yeah, don't bring up my girlfriend. That's, you can do one more? We can do one more. We can do it more. Okay. a little deep dive into more serious conversations every single Monday only for 10 minutes. Good morning to you. Every single Wednesday you get a Patreon exclusive episode. That's another full-linked episode but not just with me and Cam it's with the whole YSK crew and

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Here we go. Let's play. Okay, I'm gonna go first. Okay. Off rip. Mm-hmm. Johnson, this long? Good thing or bad thing? Kim, you would throw a f***ing parade if you woke up with that.

If you woke up and looked down and your meat was that? Oh, Cam, you'd probably cry. Okay, okay. I'm immediately thinking at least five. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It could be anything past two.

You're like, dude, it's a good day. Oh, God, I'm crying. Okay. All right. If I got this many drinks out of bar, would that be normal for me or would you have to take me out? Wow. I mean, you're like, you're, I mean, wow, that's crazy accurate. I would say, come on, you know me, come on.

God almighty, I would say that is very close. Like, you're, you're on that line. Yeah. I think you are well, you're, you're goodly drunk, but you're a good drunk. I'm not having to carry you out. Okay, so I'm at least above 11. But you're, hey, that's, you're, you're, I'm above 11 for sure. Okay.

Um, okay, your turn. Okay. I'm back in your heyday. Oh, God. God bless Sarah. Back in your heyday. This many, um, women just like, almost like roster. I hate to say that, but this many potential candidates at one time, more or less.

What does that mean? Say it in a better way. I don't know what potential. candidates at one time mean. Like, did you have this many girls in your roster at one time? What's it? At a certain point of my life? You're snapping these girls.

You're talking to them all at one time. Like. Oh, God, that's a good one. No, I think that's, I think it's a little too high. This is too high. I've flirted with it for sure. I mean, I've definitely touched that barrier. I've gotten closed.

It was dark times, man. But, uh, who. Okay. I was trying to fill a hole. Oh, God. Literally and figuratively. I mean, it was bad. Here we go.

That was a dark time. Okay, your turn. If I... You always go, if I had... If I came to you and told you I wanted this many kids, would you be happy for me or scared for me? I'd call the fucking psychiatrist. I'd say something's wrong with my friend.

I go, my friend has absolutely lost his mind. Someone has drugged him. You need to arrest Sarah. You need to get everyone that's a cut. You need to go through his phone. Okay. That could be, okay, but knowing me, that could be a buff too. No, very true, but no.

Okay, hard no on that. I mean, the hardest of all those. Could you have this many kids? No. Oh, my God. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

No, no, no. Okay, okay. From your experience, right? A long distance, like, fling or something, this many FaceTime calls in one day. Too many, not enough. Oh, in my heyday? Yeah.

I get that done before noon. I can get that done before noon. Okay. I'm, I'm feeling. I love a good FaceTime. Let me see a nipple. Oh my God. Oh, yeah.

Just let it bark at me one time. Let me give me a little howl. Oh, I'm a face time. You just ask you what you're doing and hang off. Oh, yeah. Be like, hey, how's it going? Let me see it. Oh, have a great shift.

Show me that aerial. Okay. Okay. I, would it be, I'm feeling decent. Would it be bad to hook up with somebody within this amount of days? Of what? Knowing they exist on earth?

Yeah, knowing they exist. Would it be weird? Last caveat, like. Is it you? No. No, no. No, last caveat is like, like from finding, from seeing them. From meeting.

From meeting. Yes. Well, I'm just saying. From meeting them to this. day, is it normal? You're so close. You're accurate. I would say...

That's what she said. I would say, no, it's not uncommon. For you, though. For me... Would it be, like, you wouldn't do it? That'd be, no. Oh. All right.

So I got... Two more each. Okay, so I got the... I got the... You've been close with the roster, but not fully. What's the one I just said? I forgot. I just asked...

You know, I don't remember. Okay, perfect. I'm gonna take you... If I'm... I had this many shots, this many shots in a club. Am I tore up whenever we leave? Or am I just like a decent level of drunk? You're going to have a strange man unbunding your shirt

in the front of the club. I go, oh my God, it's 11. I'm just kidding. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay, I'm high levels of confidence. Okay. I'm like in a perfect little mix. And I said that because he had this many shots one time,

and a strange man started unbuttoning his shirt outside of a club and he allowed it. He was a complete stranger. And I was really like, hey, whatever it cams into. Okay. If I had this many partners, if I hooked up with this many people within two months, would you be concerned? Would you be like, oh, it's fine? Personally, right?

I love you to death. Personally, I'd be like, wait, let's sit down and talk. Oh, let me answer you another question. Sit down to talk. Let me answer you another question. Okay. If Payton Harden hit this many threes in a game, what would your reaction be?

Holy fuck. That is astronomical. That is a godsend. That can't happen. I just witnessed a miracle in real life. I witnessed a miracle. Go get a lottery ticket. Go get a lottery ticket tonight.

If I had this many points in a Dreamcon charity basketball game, what would your reaction be? Holy shit. He decided to play. Oh my God. Dude, that's my ex-collegiate team. mate, he's playing today. 100%.

There we go. Okay. All right. I have my guess. I have mine. I'm going to go first. I'm going to go first this time. Okay.

So you said the roster, right? Yeah. I know my boy. I know my Bubba. The roster had me thinking high singles, low doubles. Okay? Somewhere in there. High single digit, low double digit.

That's about where I'm at too. The drinks. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, that was yours. The inches when you wake up. The inches, if I woke up with it, I'd throw a parade, high, high single or double. High, high, high, single, camp?

You'd wake up with a parade with a high, high, high single? If I'll go up with a nine, if I'll go up with a nine-inch pecker. No wonder you're, my friend. You're just like, I like to be around it. I'll never know what it's like, but I want to be around it. That's why whenever you saw it, you freaked out. You're like, it is possible. I thought it was just in the movies.

I go, what the fuck is that thing? I go, oh my God, there's a snake on you, Pete. Okay, but it's the same range, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, sure. Small double. Sure. And then the FaceTime calls. I know how aggressive you are with FaceTime calls when it's a distance.

Yeah. So I'm thinking final, final number, I want to lock it in at 13. It's so funny. You guessed 11. You guessed 13. Split the difference. You're kidding. It was so.

So close. You're kidding. You're kidding. So close. So close. Okay. So now I'm thinking I'm really hung up on the shots here. I'm going to the amount of shots I would take.

Now I was initially going to guess nine. But that's, I could survive off nine, but to you that you think that's crazy. You could. You could easily do. But then I'm bringing into this many three pointers, anything above two, you'd be like, wow, that's great. But then I brought in the points. I'm thinking low double digits. Okay.

13. 13 is your guess? 13 is my guess. Hold on, hold on. So this is absolutely insane. Yeah. I guess 11 and I guess 13. It was split the difference.

12. Yeah. You guess 13. Look at your number. Oh, we're brothers from a different mother. That's sick. Time out. A 12 incher?

I'm not far. I don't stop that. I'm not. You don't see? Payton. I've shrunk. I've definitely shrunk. Hey, that's 12.

Oh, yeah. I'm not like, yeah, but in the grand scheme of things, if you whip that out, I'm not, I'm no longer your friend. I can't be. You know, like, we can't be associated with some like me. When we stand next, like, we're six, seven, when we stand next to a six four guy, we're like, oh, you're close. It's been the same thing.

I'm six four in this predicament. You know what I mean? I'm like 5.11. I'm just kidding. Holy shit. Appreciate you coming back to another. Oh my God, I was. Thank you for coming back to episode two or third at one.

Confused the casuals to get your good karma. Leave the secret coach. the hidden message on every single platform, motherfucker. It's A-S-A-S-Y-S. Australia, see you soon. Australia, see you soon. Tickets available in the description below.

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See you on the Patreon. Patriotto. Petriotto. No, yeah, I promise I'm not close to 12. Can't be. Can I see? Can't be. Can't be.

Nope. See you.