Young and Profiting with Hala Taha - Lisa Bilyeu: Attract Meaningful Relationships and Achieve Your Dreams with Radical Confidence | E286

Episode Date: April 26, 2024

Lisa Bilyeu became toxic as a defense mechanism against her abusive ex. However, she was able to break free and rebuild her confidence. Armed with new boundaries, she entered a supportive relationship with her husband, enabling her to show up for herself with radical confidence, even through her transformation from housewife to co-founder of a billion-dollar company. In this episode, Lisa addresses the impact of relationships on confidence as she offers a glimpse into her book’s new chapter on relationships. She also discusses the concept of radical confidence and how to use insecurities to fuel personal growth. Lisa Bilyeu is the co-founder of Quest Nutrition and Impact Theory. She is the host of Women of Impact, and the author of Radical Confidence, a book that teaches you how to be driven by your insecurities to create the life of your dreams. In this episode, Hala and Lisa will discuss:  - How competence breeds confidence - The meaning of radical confidence - How toxic gratitude keeps you stuck - Serving others by putting yourself first - The impact of relationships on your confidence - Fueling success using your insecurities - The importance of setting boundaries - How your identity can trap you - The danger of relying on external validation - Her ‘no-BS’ approach to defining crystal clear goals - Tips for feeling your most confident - The first step to finding the right partner who will uplift you - And other topics… Lisa Bilyeu is the co-founder of the billion-dollar company, Quest Nutrition. She built the company’s fulfillment department from scratch and helped it reach #2 on the Inc. 500 list of the fastest-growing private companies. She is also the co-founder and President of Impact Theory, a digital media production company focused on empowering content. Lisa is the bestselling author of Radical Confidence and the host of Women of Impact, which centers on female empowerment. She has been featured in publications like Forbes, Business Insider, Success, and People.  Connect with Lisa: Lisa’s Website: https://www.radicalconfidence.com/ Lisa’s LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lisabilyeu/ Lisa’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/lisabilyeu Lisa’s Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lisabilyeu/ Lisa’s Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lisabilyeu/ Lisa’s Podcast, Women of Impact: ​​https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/women-of-impact/id1435217865  Resources Mentioned: Lisa’s Book, Radical Confidence: 10 No-BS Lessons on Becoming the Hero of Your Own Life: https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Confidence-No-BS-Lessons-Becoming/dp/1982181419 LinkedIn Secrets Masterclass, Have Job Security For Life: Use code ‘podcast’ for 30% off at yapmedia.io/course.    Sponsored By: Shopify - Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at youngandprofiting.co/shopify Indeed - Get a $75 job credit at indeed.com/profiting Yahoo Finance - For comprehensive financial news and analysis, visit YahooFinance.com   More About Young and Profiting Download Transcripts - youngandprofiting.com Get Sponsorship Deals - youngandprofiting.com/sponsorships Leave a Review - ratethispodcast.com/yap Watch Videos - youtube.com/c/YoungandProfiting   Follow Hala Taha LinkedIn - linkedin.com/in/htaha/ Instagram - instagram.com/yapwithhala/ TikTok - tiktok.com/@yapwithhala Twitter - twitter.com/yapwithhala   Learn more about YAP Media's Services - yapmedia.io/

Today's episode of Young and Profiting is sponsored in part by Yahoo Finance, Indeed, and Shopify. Yahoo Finance is the number one financial destination. For comprehensive financial news and analysis, visit the brand behind every great investor, yahoofinance.com. Attract, interview, and hire all in one place with Indeed. Get a $75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com slash profiting. I was stuck for eight years because I felt grateful. I stayed exactly where I was because I felt I had to be grateful for the fact that I had

a husband that loved me, that I had a roof over my head. And so when you use gratitude to hold you stuck, that's when it can become toxic. The co-creator of Impact Theory, the host of the podcast, Women of Impact, over seven and a half million downloads. Entrepreneur turned author, the co-founder of Quest Nutrition. So how do I tell the love of my life that I no longer wanna take care of him,

that I no longer wanna cook for him, that I no longer wanna clean for him, but I need him to still know that I love him? It was believing that I had the right to say I was unhappy. Then coming up with ways to communicate with the people around you that you're going to change because who you are today is not the person that's going to run the billion dollar company in five years.

So people kept asking me like, Lisa, where do you build your confidence? And what I realized was, is that confidence is misleading. I think what people want is the confidence to get started. And what you don't realize is the confidence is the byproduct of getting started. So what you do is you just practice wax on, wax off. As you're building your skill sets, you then become competent and it's your competence that then leads to your confidence. But if you start a business, you're going to get metaphorically punched in the face

over and over again. And so how do you keep going? It's through the... Young and Profiters! Are you ready to become your most confident self? Do you feel like your confidence is holding you back from achieving your dreams? Well, if this sounds like you, then you certainly need to tune into today's episode where I'm interviewing Lisa Bilyeu. She is the host of Women of Impact, she's also the bestselling author of Radical Confidence, and Lisa definitely knows a thing or two about confidence. She started as an insecure housewife that was tied to her identity of being a wife and a mom for many years. She was stuck in that box,

but once she felt unhappy, she wanted to do something more and she broke out of her shell essentially and became an entrepreneur. She had to learn skills that she never had and she ended up creating a billion dollar company alongside her husband Tom Bilyeu called Quest. She sold her company. They started Impact Theory. The Impact Theory Network is a huge YouTube and podcast network now. It includes Tom Bilyeu's show Impact Theory as well as Leisha's show Women of Impact and they are changing the lives of so many people both the physical and mental lives of people with quest their Nutrition company as well as impact theory, which is sort of like a mental health company

It's content to help people think better and be better so the last time that Lisa was on the show that was episode number 2 13 and We went really deep on her come-up story and today we're really going to focus on radical confidence, her book. We're going to talk about how we can become confident, what are the tools that she has for us, and we're going to talk about relationships and what we need to avoid when we are in a relationship because we can't get validation and confidence from other people. We need to have confidence within ourselves, but having a toxic person in our life can certainly pull us down.

So we're going to talk all about that. Lisa, welcome to Young and Profiting podcast. Thank you so much, Homie, for having me. I am so excited for this interview. So you last came on last year, episode 213, and we did a deep dive on your entrepreneurship story. You co-founded the billion dollar company called Quest. And this episode today, we're gonna really focus

on your re-release book called Radical Confidence. So very excited to talk to you about that. And my first question today for those who aren't familiar with your story is about why you're so passionate about helping other people become successful. And you specifically try to help women become more successful. So why are you so passionate about that? Yeah, thank you.

I really think that for myself, I really struggled in believing in myself, in learning the skillsets that I needed to in order for me to show up and actually achieve my dream. And when I look back at what were the things that were holding me back, it was A, just the messaging I got growing up as a young Greek girl that was told time and time again that my future was going to be, I'm going to get married, I'm going to have kids, the

end. And that literally was the story that I grew up believing. And when I think about the life I could have had, how far forward I could have been if I didn't have a belief system that didn't serve me and what my life could look like. Oh my God, I try not to dwell on it, but that's kind of the thing that's like, okay, that's the gift that I wish every woman had so that I didn't have to go through it. And so that became my North Star. And the confidence part was it wasn't even learning the business itself.

I don't consider myself smart. I was put in a special class for being mildly dyslexic. So I really struggled the whole way. But learning business, for me at least, was ABC. You can read books, you can watch videos, you can ask questions. The thing that I found the hardest was how do I get out of my own way from my own belief system that I'm not good enough to get started in the first place? And I think so many women struggle with that, and that's the catalyst.

So if you don't have the catalyst, you then don't actually end up going anywhere. So in writing the book and really thinking about my story, I'm always thinking about where are women now? Why do we get stuck? And then how do we get out of that? How do we build the confidence to speak up, to get out of it? And I think that becomes the first step. So we can teach business until the cows come home, but if you don't believe that you're good enough to get started, you won't actually get started. So like I mentioned before, you helped

co-found Quest, which became a billion dollar company. And you actually started as a housewife. And for the longest time you thought that you were only going to be a housewife. So I'd love to just give some color about how you were able to transform your mindset to then become an entrepreneur. I was stuck for eight years. I didn't think that I had the right, if you will, to speak up and say that I was unhappy because I felt grateful. And that's almost the problem, if you will, with gratitude. Gratitude can be beautiful. It can really pull you out when something's become a negative. It can show

you the light. It can show you what the positive side of things are. But it also can keep you exactly where you are. And that's what happened to me is I stayed exactly where I was for eight years because I felt I had to be grateful I stayed exactly where I was for eight years because I felt I had to be grateful for the fact that I had a husband that loved me, that I had a roof over my head. And so when you use gratitude to hold you stuck, that's when it can become toxic. And so for me, I had that toxic gratitude and it wasn't until I recognized that I wasn't living the life that I wanted, I wasn't speaking up about it, I wasn't talking about it.

So you have to recognise, number one, that you're not living the life you actually want. That's just step one. That's just acknowledging that you're not where your dream is and it's okay to say that. And then secondly, what is actually holding you back from getting started? And so for me, it was believing that I had the right to say I was unhappy. Now that was the first step. Then just talking through with Tom, my husband, who I was taking care of for eight years, I had to make that change.

And so how do I tell the love of my life that I no longer want to take care of him, no longer want to cook for him,? No longer want to cook for him. I no longer want to clean for him, but I need him to still know that I love him. So the transition was step by step. It was believing A, that I am worthy enough to say that I'm unhappy. It's then coming up with ways to communicate with the people around you that you're going to change because not everyone's going to be happy. Not everyone's going to like your change. So you have to make sure that you're going to change because not everyone's going to be happy, not everyone's going to like your change.

So you have to make sure that you're communicating with it. You're not asking permission, but you're communicating with it. And then it becomes, if you're building a business, what skill sets do you need to learn in order to grow the business? Because who you are today is not the person that's going to run the billion dollar company in five years So you need to go what skill sets do I need to adopt today that I need to do a stack in effect If you will that eventually allows me to be able to crush it a business build my career, etc Etc, but it becomes these stepping stones

and I think what people do is they want the confidence to get started. And what you don't realize is the confidence is the byproduct of getting started. And so if you recognize that, now what you do, in one of my favorite movies is the karate kid, the wax on, wax off. So what you do is you just practice, you just keep waxing on and waxing off. Once you do that, as you're building your skillsets,

you then become competent, and it's your competence that then leads to your confidence. But if you're waiting for confidence to get started, you're in for a rude awakening that you'll never actually get started. I love that. Confidence breeds confidence. That's so good.

And so one more warm-up question, and then I really just want wanna dig deep on radical confidence and go through it nook and cranny. So you and your husband, Tom, you've got this podcast network called Impact Theory. And it started with Tom's show Impact Theory. Now you've got an incredible show called Women of Impact. And you guys are changing so many lives.

But when you started this, you had already built a billion dollar company. You already had built something so amazing. And so what I'm curious about is, what made you guys feel like, well, we need to build this other company now when you had such a fulfilling life already? Yes, such a great question, girl. So in building Quest, over time, it was like, oh my God, imagine what happened if we have a lot of money, right?

So it's like the typical like, oh my God, what are we going to do with it when we buy a house, et cetera. But during those struggles, during those five years of falling and failing time and time again, as we're building the company, we realized that we needed a mission. We needed a bigger purpose than just money. And now it becomes a common thing, right?

When we talk about mission and passion, but back then it wasn't. And so at the time it was just like, we need to tie ourselves to why we get up every day. Because the second things get hard, you need that why to get you through it. And so at the time, Mother Teresa had said that, not everybody's willing to fight for the masses,

but everyone's gonna fight for the one. So what me and my husband realized is, we need to identify and tie our self-esteem and our ego and our drive to something and someone that is going to help us get up every day. Now, my mum grew up with her being borderline anorexic and then she became morbidly obese. So you can imagine as Quest is building and things are getting hard, I'm going back to I'm doing this for my mum, I'm doing this for my mum, because I want my mom to be healthy. I want my mom to live for like ever in ideal world, right? So I'm waking up every day as we're building quest with that in mind.

My husband comes from a morbidly obese family. So he's got his mom in his head as he's getting up every day. Okay, flash forward now. We use our moms as our why, as our mission, get up every day. Flash forward, company gets announced as a billion dollar company. We then sell a portion of it and it's a lovely hefty portion. So we're in our garage and we know that the money's about to come in.

Now like anything until the money hits the bank account, nothing's guaranteed. So we're sitting there, me and my husband, we're refreshing, refreshing his phone, right, on his bank account. And it's like, refresh, refresh, refresh. With one more refresh, my life changes forever. Like ever. I don't ever have to work again the day of my life. In that moment, we celebrated, I took a selfie photo, we kissed each other on the lips, and

then we got ready and went back to work. So we went back to Quest. That same day we didn't tell a soul. The only people we told were my parents and his parents. Now why? Because we were so tied to the mission. We weren't done. We hadn't helped obesity on a global scale. It still existed. We didn't help my mum. She was still struggling with her weight. So as we sold Quest, it was like, I'm not done yet. The money in my bank account became right. So I pivoted. It was no longer about the money. It was about my mission. I hadn't reached my mission. I hadn't reached my goal. My mum was still struggling. And so as we started to develop Quest more and more, that's when we started to realize that that was amazing for people who'd already decided they were worthy enough to pick up a quest bar instead of a Snickers bar.

But what about people like my mom who didn't believe she was worthy? She doesn't pick up a quest bar because she doesn't believe that she's enough. And in that moment, me and my husband said, okay, we're just playing and pretending that we want to help people if we ignore the mind. Because the body we've got on Pat, right? I got you with a Quest Bar, I got you with a Quest product. If you need it, your body's got it, you got the Quest product. But if you don't believe you're good enough, how do I convince you?

How do I encourage you? It's the mind. And so that's when we realized we have to address the mind if we're going to be very authentic in our message that we actually want to help people. Not help people when it's convenient, not help people only until I'm wealthy, but actually help people on a global scale. And so that became the catalyst for Tom to start his show. And then we then walked away from Quest because we realized the mind is the start to everything. And so that's when we just went all in

and we rolled the dice and we said, sink or swim, either way we go together. Amazing. And I mean, you guys are crushing it on YouTube. You really just pioneered podcasting, live podcasting on YouTube. Whenever I think about people who are absolutely doing an amazing job, I think of you and Tom on YouTube especially.

And I have to say, like you were almost making me tear up because I feel like I talked to so many people and you and Tom are two people that really deserve the audience that you have. You are so good for the world. And I just appreciate everything that you're doing and everything that you guys have done already, because you don't have to do it, like you said. You could choose to never work a day in your life,

but you choose to show up every day and help people, and I just really commend you for that. Thank you, and I think the key is that Tom and I now work harder today than we did building Quest because we're so tied to our mission. So my mom ended up losing 120 pounds. She's kept it off for seven years, but I still haven't helped women on a global scale. And so until I do, until I've created different mechanisms for any woman out there to get

confidence, so whether that's my YouTube channel, my book, the audio podcast, my Instagram, I'm still not done. And so I'm going to keep going because I so believe in that mission. And the important thing though is to not get so dogmatic in what you do and your beliefs and your goals that it becomes detrimental to your enjoyment. And what I mean by that is that's how I got stuck for eight years. I was like, oh, I'm just going to support my husband. He needs my help.

And then that one year turns into two years, turns into five years, and you start to sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice to the point where you end up losing yourself. So I will no longer do that. So if I feel like right now I end up sacrificing myself, I will shut my YouTube channel down. I will stop doing what I'm doing because ultimately I want to make sure that I put myself first so that I do have the energy and the strength to show up and empower other people. And up until this point, we women haven't been taught that. We've been taught you live in service of everybody else, you burn out.

That's what I did with Quest. It was miserable. And so I make sure that I tap into myself every quarter. If I'm going to be honest, I just ask myself, am I happy? Do I love my business? Do I still want to be on YouTube? Do I love being business partners with my husband? I ask myself that every quarter because I never want to ever get in a place now where

I'm on autopilot and I'm not addressing whether I'm happy or not. I love the fact that even though you've built this huge thing, you're willing to, if it serves you, to walk away. And I think that's really powerful. You believe in not doing shoulds, right? Can you talk to us about that? I will catch myself even now saying should and shouldn't.

And what I've learned is in real time, I stop myself. Now, the reason why is because we have a belief system that sometimes doesn't serve us but we don't realize it because we go on autopilot. I get it we have to go on autopilot on some things otherwise we'd never get anything done. And so when we have been taught over time in our lives that we should or shouldn't do something, it then blocks us from actually asking ourselves if we want to do it, if we need to do it, if we would like to do it. And so I have caught myself in real time and so every time that I do it and I say the word should out loud, even if I do it in this interview, you'll see me in real time catch myself and

I'll stop and I'll be like, okay, I don't mean should, what do I actually mean? And I'll replace it with a word that empowers me to move towards my goal. And ultimately that's everything that I do. I have a set of goals and I have a set of values. And every day I go, what moves me towards that and what doesn't? The things that don't move me towards my happiness, my goal, and even happiness to be honest, isn't a permanent state so I almost don't think of happiness in that way. But does this move me towards my goals, yes or no? If the answer is no, I pause and I come up with a strategy. So with the word should or shouldn't, I understand

why it holds me back, I understand what it does to my psyche. I then go in real time, I have to stop myself, so that's what I do. And then in real time, I come up with a different word that empowers me. That little bit of process and that strategy is the things that I do on my mindset with everything that doesn't serve me so that I never fall or get trapped into a place. I play the victim or I have an excuse. And what I mean by that is, well, it was not my fault. Oh, well, I didn't do that. That doesn't empower you. So again, pause. How is it your responsibility? How can you take ownership? How do you reorient yourself and then how do you keep going?

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visit the brand behind every great investor, Yahoo Finance.com, the number one financial destination, Yahoo Finance.com. That's Yahoo Finance.com. I love that advice. And you've got so much good advice like this in your book, Radical Confidence. So you first put out this book in 2022 and now you're releasing it with a new chapter.

Can you talk to us about why you decided to re-release your book? Yeah, so even when I was writing the book, I never wanted to be an author. That was never in my list of would-like-to-dos, but I had the opportunity. They reached out to me going back to what is my goal to help women on a global scale? Okay, does a book help women on a global scale? Okay, does a book help women on a global scale? Yes. Should this be priority over my YouTube videos?

Yes, because it's a different mechanism, because I've already got the YouTube channel. So now people that like books, I can reach them in different places. So that's how I decided to write the book in the first place. As I was writing it, I was like, what are the things that got in my way that really impacted me building my confidence that eventually led to me having a life that I feel like I thrive in? And in hindsight, because I think everything is a lesson, failure is a lesson, success is a lesson, so after I wrote the book, over time what I realized was a lot of women were coming up to me and saying that their confidence got dented by a toxic relationship. And that if they weren't in a toxic relationship, if they weren't with someone that was gaslighting

them for 10 years, if they weren't with someone that was verbally abusing them, or just someone that actually made them feel numb, right? Not even to that extreme, just somebody that doesn't set you alight. That dents women's confidence more than losing a job, more than potentially having to sell a house. All these things that we think of as being stress, having a relationship that brings you down will be one of the top things that sucks your confidence out and erodes you.

And so once I really identified that, I was like, I have to talk about my post-toxic relationship before I met my husband. Now, reason being he, my ex, was the person that was trying to hold me down, hold me down from my dreams, my goals, I wanted to come to America and he just used to mock them and it wasn't kind, it wasn't even like dismissing, he would actually out loud mock my dreams. Now that brings me down, that made me more hesitant to go after my down, that made me more hesitant to go after my dream, that made me more insecure

to speak my dream, because I was like, what if this is silly? Right, like you start to doubt yourself. Now flash forward, I'm with someone like my husband who uplifts me, who contributes to my confidence. He's the one where I'm like, oh my God, I'm gonna do this book, I don't know what I'm doing. And he's the one that's like, you got this babe. So I'm building my confidence as I'm going to do this book. I don't know what I'm doing. And he's the one that's like, you got this, babe.

So I'm building my confidence as I'm taking off, or they say that you build the plane as you take off. So it's like, I'm building my confidence about writing a book. As I'm writing the book and my husband being my partner, there's two ways or there's multiple ways. He could have been the toxic person that brings me down, that mocks me, that mocks my book, that mocks the idea of what I'm doing.

Or it could be him where he's like, you've got this, imagine all the women you're going to help. Even today, when I made my book announcement, he came on my life and he was sick. And he's coughing and he's sneezing and he's up. If I've got the flu and I've got the fever, I'm still going to show up for you. That's what the difference between a toxic relationship can do and a healthy relationship. And the impact it can have on a woman and her confidence, I didn't really feel the weight until after my book came out. So that's really what the extra chapter is about.

It's how to identify that you're in a relationship that isn't serving you. It's how to address it. It's whether you should stay or leave. It's how you got manipulated. And the last thing is we beat ourselves up, right? Oh my God, it's whether you should stay or leave, it's how you got manipulated. And the last thing is we beat ourselves up, right? Oh my God, it's my fault, I shouldn't have seen the signs. What I did is I definitely took ownership because I can't control how he feels, but I can control how I show up.

So I took ownership over the fact that I stayed in that relationship. I took ownership in the fact that I became toxic too, as a defense mechanism so that when he's coming at me, when he's yelling at me, when he's calling me names, how do I protect myself? Instead of leaving, which I wish I had done, but I didn't feel like I had the confidence to do it, I stayed and became toxic back as a defense so that he couldn't hurt me. I have to own that that was my behavior, that I brought that to the relationship, that just fueled the fire. So for me, it was about identifying all the things that I participated

in, then going, how do I make sure that I don't do that in the future? How do I build my confidence back? And how do I make sure that when I get into a new relationship, that it's somebody that actually deserves me? and how do I set boundaries and guidelines so that I never get trapped again because I wanted to hold on to my confidence and I wanted to make sure that the next person I was with wasn't going to even potentially erode it. Now here's the tricky thing is you never know. You never know who you get with and how they're going to be. So when I met Tom, I came in with a set of boundaries. I'd already built my confidence back because that's important. I don't rely on him for my confidence.

I built it myself. And then I sat with him and when we were dating, over time, I start to reveal these are my non-negotiables. These are my boundaries. These are my value system. This is my belief system. And over time, how does he respond? If he starts to disrespect it, goodbye.

And I just told myself, this is what you stand for, Lisa. If someone disrespects it again, under no circumstances, you're going to let that erode your confidence, and you're going to have a cheat sheet, if you will, on how you're going to date in future. And so when I met Tom, he held space for me, he held utter respect for my boundaries, for my non-negotiable,

and every single time I had an opportunity to be vulnerable, I was, and every single time he had an opportunity to use my vulnerability against me in an argument, he never did. So that's how I went from having a toxic relationship that ripped my confidence, literally shredded it to bits, built my confidence back and then maintained and even elevated my confidence even more in my new relationship. This is so good. And to your point, we've got to figure out how to be confident ourselves

before we can then work with a relationship and try to make sure that we've got the right boundaries and things so that we've got the right boundaries and things so that we have a healthy relationship. It starts with ourselves first, having confidence with ourselves. So you tied to this book, Radically Confident. What does the radical mean? Why radically confident?

What does that mean to you? Yeah, so people kept asking me, Lisa, where do you build your confidence? You're so confident. And it never felt true to me. I was like, who are they seeing? I look at women and I'm like, oh my gosh, she's so confident.

I wish I was like her. Or like Serena Williams, right? I'm just like that fricking bad ass. Like I wanna be confident like her. But it never felt like I was the thing that people would look at to be confident. So it was really surprising to me. So I was like, what are they seeing?

And what I realized is they just see me take action. They see me get in front of the camera, but they don't see all the negative mindset and the insecurities that my mind was spinning before I get in front of the camera. They just see me getting in front of the camera. And so they perceive that as confidence. And I realized that it's actually misleading to people. And it's misleading if you think that just because I get in front of the camera, just because I speak my mind, that I have confidence. And it isn't. What I have is radical confidence.

And to me, what that means is I'm freaking petrified. I don't believe in myself. I have insecurities. I have a wild ego just like everybody else. But what I do, and the ego gets in the way, right? Don't do that, Lisa. You're going to mess up. I have all of those things.

But what I do is I just keep going back to what is my goal and does that mindset serve me yes or no? If the answer is no, how do I have some ability to keep showing up? And that ability became radical confidence. It means that I have no idea what I'm doing. It means that I don't have the confidence I'm actually gonna do a good job, but you better believe I'm gonna learn. And so now anything that I tackle

I just have a mindset that says I'm a learner and so put me in front of Congress. I have no idea what the hell I'm gonna say in front of Congress, but you better believe anything I say when I leave I would have learned a lesson and I would have been better and more confident for it. But it becomes the stacking stones and the bricks. And what I realized was, is that confidence is misleading. I needed another word for it. And so I feel radical was just so on point for what it means to keep showing up every single day.

It means you've got the radical confidence. You're going to get metaphorically punched in the face over and over and over again, especially if you start a business, especially if you're trying anything new. And so how do you keep going? It's radical confidence. So something in your book that I love that you say is that you say we should use our insecurities to drive ourselves, to fuel ourselves towards our goals. So how have you done that in your own life and can you explain to us how we can do that? Yeah, our insecurities are,

it's the thing that used to hold me back, right? It's like, well, I'm not good at that, so I won't try it. I don't know this, so I won't learn it. And all those insecurities in the past really did hold me back because I didn't want to be mocked, I didn't want to be teased, and I didn't want to look as stupid because when I was at school, I was teased and bullied by girls, I was mildly dyslexic and put in a special class.

And so all of these things contributed to me never showing weaknesses, failures, because the last thing I wanted was to get mocked or bullied. And so the insecurity held me back time and time again. Now over time, I've just assessed, why am I still not where I want to be? Why was I stuck for eight years serving everybody else except for myself? It was my insecurities. It was my insecurities that someone's going to judge me that I decided I wanted to be in business instead of being a mother.

And that judgment would break me, right? So it's all these judgments, people's opinions that I thought would break me. So I always wanted to protect myself. But what I realized was I was actually doing the opposite. I was actually feeding my insecurities more and more and more instead of eradicating them. And so I asked myself, what would it look like if you just had to eradicate your insecurities? Okay, it means you have to embrace them first. And so what I did was I just embraced,

what is my insecurity? So let's just take being in front of the camera because that's the one that we're here right now in front of the camera. So I had a mission to help people. I now really want to help women. Okay, I know my goal. I know what I'm trying to get to.

And so I'm like, I said to my husband, you know what, babe, I'm going to start a podcast. This is about four or five years ago. I'm going to start a podcast. But I had insecurities, so I didn't want to go on camera and I didn't want to interview women that intimidated me. So my response was, but I'm just going to interview women that I know. And I'm just going to do it on Zoom and I'm just going to do on audio. So I'm not going to release the video. I'm just going to release the audio. And he just looked at me and he said, we have a set. So at this point, my husband's already got his show. So we have the studio that you see.

We've got six cameras. We've got lights. We've got the team. And he's like, babe, why wouldn't you go on camera? That makes no sense. And I was like, oh, I can't get on camera. And in that moment, what I realized was I was putting my ego ahead of my mission.

I was so worried about being mocked and about being teased that insecurity was what was holding me back. But my mission is to help women. So in that moment, I just asked myself, with utter grace, because there is no right or wrong answer, but with utter grace, I just said,

Lisa, what's more important, your ego or your mission? Now I decided my mission was more important. Okay, so now how do I take my insecurity and use it to help me? Because it was just holding me back. So I started to listen to that negative voice. I call the voice in my head the critic or the bitch, right? She's just mean, she's cruel.

She just wants to ridicule me. So I said, okay, maybe I should just listen. What is she actually trying to tell me? Now in listening, I started to write down, all right, Lisa, you're gonna be made fun of on camera. Okay, what do I think I'm gonna be made fun on camera? Well, because people mock your big nose. Okay, well, I'm not gonna get plastic surgery,

so it is what it is, right? And I would just keep going. And I would start to answer my own insecurities and one of them was, Lisa you're very squeaky. Okay well if I'm squeaky and I'm going to be mocked for it, do I want to change my squeak or do I want to embrace being mocked? But either way I'm going to get in front of the camera and so as I start to process that I said okay well what would it look like if you weren't squeaky and And I said, well, that's just me. Okay, well, you want to show up authentic, you don't want to pretend you are squeaky. So I guess you're just going to have to embrace that some people call you squeaky. Great. So I just started preparing myself for

what my insecurity was telling me and how I could eventually turn that critic in my head into my coach. And that was the final piece where I was like, oh, the bitch in my head is actually my BFF. She's helping guide me. She's telling me what I'm weak at. She's pointing out all the areas where I may get trapped, but she's pointing them out ahead of time

so I can preempt and have a plan in place. Thank you, Negative Voice, for helping me process this in order for me to show up in true authenticity on the path of my mission. It's so good what you're saying, like how you can use your insecurities to then help drive you do the things that you need to do.

Even though it's uncomfortable, there are things you need to do to accomplish your mission. The other thing that you got over was your identity. So you had basically drilled this identity of housewife, mom in your head, and you were very laser focused on that. And that was something else you had to overcome to then accomplish your dream.

So talk to us about that. Yeah, identity is what I call like the velvet handcuffs. So it makes you feel good, right? When someone says, oh, you're a great, fill in the blank. So you're a great stay at home wife. Now imagine, I don't want to be a stay at home wife, but they've put great in front of it. It's like, oh, well, at least I'm good at something, right?

Because I didn't believe in myself. Again, this is before Quest. So I don't believe in myself. I'm being is before Quest. So I don't believe in myself. I'm being told time and time again, oh my God, you're such an amazing wife. I can't believe how much you take care of Tom. I got that from Tom. I got that from my mom.

I got that from my dad. I got it from everybody that, every couple that met. They would turn to Tom and be like, oh my God, you're so lucky. Your wife takes care of everything. What a great wife. So I started to identify with being a great wife. But I didn't want to be a stay at home wife.

And so here I am tying my validation to my identity and the identity wasn't even something that I wanted. So you can see how your identity can actually trap you. And so what I do right now is I reassess what my identity is and if it still aligns with the person I'm trying to become. And if it doesn't, then A, I go cool, how do I make sure I now no longer get my validation from this identity that doesn't serve me? That becomes a skill set.

What do I need to do? Okay, if I'm feeling great about people saying that I'm a great stay at home wife, what can I do that's solely based on me and my own ability to validate myself? All right, well, I really like working out. I really want to do 50 push-ups. So you know what? I'm just going to build my validation on the fact that right now I can only do two push-ups, but I'm going to promise myself that I'm going to show up at the gym every single day in service of trying to get better at push-ups.

It's abstract. It has nothing to do with work, but I'm building a validation within myself because I said I was going to do something and I'm working every day to achieve it. The same with the book. I said I'm going to write a book. I'm going to build my validation every day in working on the book. I said I was going to write it and I freaking wrote the book. I need to be proud that I wrote the book.

And the problem is if you start to identify as, let's say, I wanna be number one New York Times bestseller. I do wanna be that, but if I tie an identity to only that, now you can see I'm not even happy or validating myself that I wrote a book. I'm actually invalidating myself that I didn't hit New York Times number one. So be careful of what you identify, whether that's in the title, right? Whether it's just a job description.

So right now my job description technically is I'm president of impact theory. I love that, but I want to make sure every quarter I go back to Lisa, do you still want to be the president of impact theory? Because the identity I know too well will keep me trapped and the validation of being in front of amazing women like yourself where you're like, oh my God, impact theory is so great. You mean that as a wonderful compliment. I take it as a wonderful compliment, but you can see how that could potentially trap me in the future to never leave that position because I've got amazing women like you

giving me compliments that I'm president of a company that maybe you admire. So talk to us about why it's so important to not have validation externally, why you say it, no one's coming to save you, right? You've got to validate yourself. Why is that so important? Yeah, because now you're dependent on other people. You're dependent on how they feel, what their mood is, what they're going through, what their hormones are, what's happened in

their life. So I was relying on my husband to absolutely validate me. But he would go to work, he would come home, he would have a hard day at work, he would be miserable, he wouldn't want to talk about work, he wouldn't even ask me about my day because he's miserable. Now imagine I build my validation on how he greets me every day. If he comes home and he's like, babe, you're amazing, you're such a great wife, look at all this, right? On those days, I feel amazing. On the days that he feels terrible that he hasn't slept well, that shit hits the fan, work isn't going well, he's had employees, people have quit and he comes home and he doesn't even notice that he's got his food cooked.

He doesn't even notice that I've cooked and cleaned. Then I interpret that as my validation of maybe I haven't done a good job. But it's all reliant on him and what he does. And so I realized over time that I cannot rely on him in that way. I think a partner is super important. Having a loving partner that supports you and uplifts you, I wouldn't trade that for the world. My husband is the most important thing to me in my life.

I would burn my company to the ground before ever doing anything detrimental to my relationship. So I'm very clear. But even in saying that, it isn't fair on him and it's not fair on me that my validation and identity is built on anything else other than something that I choose to. And once I realized that, I spoke to him about it because sometimes he's just like, but I like being your knight in shining armor. And so here's the difference between, I'm like, baby, you are, but I can't turn to you to save me.

I need to be able to get up myself and then we can ride off on the horse together. But I have to have the ability to get up. And I appreciate that you're standing next to me and you're there to uplift me and help me. But what if you're not? What if you've got a bad day? What if, what if, what if, what if?

I can't rely on that. So discussing it with the people around you and then making sure that you're always going back to one self, that I can't control what other people do, I can only control how I show up. It became the biggest hack, if you will, on how to feel great about yourself. Build it yourself. Don't rely on anyone else. We'll be right back after a quick break from our sponsors. Young Improfiters, I've been a full-time entrepreneur

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Indeed on this podcast. Indeed.com slash profiting. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? You need Indeed. Something else that you discuss in your book is having a well-defined goal or plan towards your dreams. You say hazy, foggy, goggled dreams

stay floating up in the clouds. And it's so true. If you don't define your dream, if you don't know what direction you're going, you're gonna go nowhere, right? And so one of the things that you and Tom do, you play this game, which I loved, it's called No Bullshit, What Would It Take?

Right? And that really helps you understand what do I actually have to do? Talk to us about this game and when you guys play it. Yeah, so identifying the goal is gonna be super important because so many people are like, oh, I haven't reached my goal it. Yeah, so identifying the goal is going to be super important because so many people are like, oh, I haven't reached my goal yet. Oh, what's your goal? To empower people.

Then how do you know if you've reached it or not? Because you haven't actually drilled down into what that means. So what does empowerment mean? I want someone to interact with a piece of content of mine and then they make a change in their life to better themselves. Oh, right. Now you've actually drilled down. You said you're doing a piece of content.

You said that when someone watches it, they change. Now you've got a way and a mechanism to know how many people have seen my video. If I want to do it on a global scale, I want 100,000 people to watch 10 of my videos consistently for the next month. Now you've got metrics that you can hold yourself to to know if you've got there or not. Okay that's the first part of why you need to hold a goal because otherwise for your own sake you will never hit it. A fuzzy target is hard to hit. Make that target super freaking

crystal clear. Now the second part is so many times if you set a goal you'll be like well I can't do that. And you'll dismiss it and then you'll move on and then you'll wonder, unfortunately, years later, why you never actually hit your goal. So what Tom and I do is we play the game, no bullshit, what would it take? And what that does is it removes all reason and excuses of why you can't do something. So let's say for instance, I just said, I can't remember how many videos, so 10 videos, 100,000 views within 30 days, right? Is what I just said.

Okay, now instead of me going, whoa, I can't do that, that's a lot of videos, that's a lot of people, right? And then I move on, I go, no bullshit, what would it actually take for me to make 10 videos? That's the first step. All right, maybe I have to cancel date night. Maybe I have to say no to hanging out with my friends.

Maybe I can't afford to go on that Starbucks run that I do every day because I need to save the money to make the video so I can afford an editor to cut my video. That's how detailed I get. In no BS, what would it actually take to get 100,000 people to watch 10 of your videos within 30 days? And now you just ask yourself, am I willing to do it? Am I willing to stop

take the Starbucks? Am I willing to set not go on date night? Am I willing fill in the blank? Then you can just remove your blinders and if the answer is no, actually I would rather live a life where I get my Starbucks and I enjoy my date night. Amazing! Then you know that's why you didn't reach your goal. You don't beat yourself up over it. You just acknowledge that that's what it takes to get to the goal. You've assessed it.

You said that's not the life you want and that should be celebrated. That notion that you know actually the goal you set doesn't lead to the life you want. So, so good. Such good advice. And so one thing that happened recently is that me and you met in person at podcast movement. And my business partner, Jason, after we met, it was really funny response that he told

me. He goes, wow, have you ever met another successful business owner that's like your height? You guys are so cute together because me and you are both like five foot tall, both wearing super high heels. Five one. I'm like, yeah, I'm like five and I'm about five one. We look like we're the same height, right? And we're both very petite, both very successful female entrepreneurs. And he was like, have you ever really met another female entrepreneur who's your size? And he was like, dead serious. And I thought about it and I was like, I guess not really

but I wasn't really thinking about it because I don't walk around thinking about like I'm a five foot woman. I just walk around thinking I'm holotaha, you know? And I don't think about it. So let's talk about our external appearances and what we can do to build our confidence because you're petite, but just like me,

you don't walk around like you're small. What's interesting is I've got a question for you then. Have you always not thought about your height and do you think it has zero impact on your capability and your personality? This is such a good question. I feel that when I'm in spaces where people know me, like if I'm at a podcast conference or something where I've made it to the top of my field, when I'm in those where people know me, like if I'm at a podcast conference or something where I've made it to the top of my field, when I'm in those spaces, I feel big and powerful.

But then if you take me to like a family wedding or something where nobody gives a crap about anything, then I might feel small again. I might feel like nobody knows who I am, especially if it's people that don't know about the personal improvement space or podcasting, then I feel small. So unless people know my company and my background and everything I've built, I feel small. And that's really, pal, thank you for being so honest. Because for me, I acknowledge that growing up, I was the Chihuahua.

And what I mean by that is Chihuahuas are freaking tiny and they bloody yap the loudest. Have you ever seen those videos of Chihuahuas with Dobermans? The Doberman is just sitting there super freaking chill, just commands the room and the Chihuahua is like, Chihuahua, insert its authority to the Doberman. The Doberman just looks down. I was a Chihuahua. Growing up, because I was little, I was pushed around a lot. I think that had to do with partly why I was bullied and mocked was for my looks and for my height. I go to

any crowd, people don't see me, so I get stepped on, people don't apologize. And so growing up, I was very aware of my height and how small I was. And I would use my voice and aggression, aggression, just like a chihuahua, as a protective mechanism. And what I realized is that isn't a good strategy, Lisa. So over time, I just built my confidence. And I actually don't think about my height at all anymore. At all, no matter where I am. Oh, actually, that's a lie.

Unless I'm in a shopping mall and I can't find my husband, because I'm so short, he can can't see over like the aisles. So we have like a whole family whistle so that we can locate each other. That's the only time that I am aware of how short I am now because I've just built my confidence. Because to be honest, I'm so damn strong willed now and I have such a solid concrete codified brain mind and how I think that doesn't mean I'm great at think. That doesn't mean I'm great at everything, that doesn't mean that I'm perfect, it just means I am so strong in the way that I think. That now any insecurities I just process in real time.

I'm not perfect by all means but I realized that my aggression and my behavior and feeling small came from the fact that I was small. So I can't change my height, obviously I can wear heels, but I surely can change how I feel if I'm in a room with someone that is either physically taller or feels bigger than me. But I was very aware of that. And then same with my looks as well. I use my hairstyle as a calling card.

I use jewelry just like Wonder Woman puts on her cuffs. These are all little tips and tactics that I deliberately lean into to build my confidence so that I have the confidence whether I'm 5' or not. LESLIE KENDRICKS Totally. And that's how I feel too. I feel like if I'm dressed in the way that I feel comfortable, not in the way that other people want me to dress, if I have my hair and makeup in the way that I want, then I feel the most comfortable and powerful. So I'm totally with you about having your own style, embracing it. So let's move on to your new chapter of your book and dig a little deeper on that. So you define what a loser is in your book. You say, number one,

a person who is incompetent, constantly fails and is destined to disappoint. And number two, somebody who wrecks your confidence and keeps you from finding the person who is incompetent, constantly fails, and is destined to disappoint, and number two, somebody who wrecks your confidence and keeps you from finding the person who actually deserves you. So how does dating or marrying a loser quickly shatter our confidence? If you're with someone that's truly toxic and my ex was verbally abusive, there's so much manipulation that goes on where you don't know what's up or down. You don't even trust your own thoughts, your own feelings. And when someone can mock your dreams, I said this earlier, if someone's mocking your dreams, you start

to question, aren't my dreams silly? They feel good, but he keeps saying it isn't. So maybe because you love them. So if you love someone, hopefully you show respect for them. If you respect someone, you hopefully listen to what they say. Now, when that's not two-sided and you're doing that and you're just listening to what that person's saying over and over and they know you're listening and they know that they can somewhat control you

through the manipulation, then they're going to lean into it. And so what I did is I respected him, I listened to him. So he was mocking my dreams. It made me doubt whether my dreams could be achievable or not. He would mock my weight. He would pinch my thigh and be like, oh, you're getting a bit fat, aren't you? Now imagine I'm completely insecure. He's my first boyfriend. I'm 16 years old, my validation comes from him, and he pinches my waist saying I'm putting on a little fat. That spiraled me into bad relationship with food.

Now, there's a lot of other reasons. I had a mum that was borderline anorexic, so I don't just want to pretend it was just him, but it absolutely contributed to me putting validation to you get love, affection, appreciation when you're skinny. What does that do to an insecure 16-year-old? You better believe it doesn't help her build her confidence. That damages confidence. That makes me eat less.

That makes me look at my body more. That makes me focus on appearance more. That makes my confidence go down. Because if you eat one thing that makes you bloated that day, that made me feel badly about myself. And so over time, it's the drip. And the perfect analogy that I've realized I've come up with is a water dripping on a rock. If you ever seen over time what happens to that rock, the rock ends up changing shape.

You do years and years of something that's water, soft, over time starts to erode the rock just enough that it loses its shape. That's how I feel about our personalities and our self-esteem and our confidence when you're with someone that doesn't serve you or is manipulative. And so those are just a few examples. He thought I was cheating on him when I really wasn't at all. He confessed that he cheated on me, but he did it in a way that he lied to me. And so he actually just dumped me, didn't tell me what he was doing, made me question myself. Then I started to beg, which of course, that's Lisa that didn't have the confidence.

I just thought my validation was tied to him. So I need him back so I can feel good about myself again. So I would beg for him to come back. A week later, he confessed that he cheated on me with 10 different women. Now at the time, it was just kissing, but still at 16, that's still a very big deal. 10 people is a big deal.

And even the way he told me, so he dumps me first, so he makes me needy. I then am desperate to get back with him. He then drops this bomb and guess what I do? I'm like, oh, it's fine. I just want you back. So the manipulative tactic that was played in the strategy to keep me, even though he cheated on me,

you do that enough, I was with him for almost four years. So you can imagine by the end, how I felt about myself, how I saw myself, my insecurities, my unworthiness. And so once I left him, it took me a good year to assess, rebuild my confidence so that when I met someone like Tom, I was very confident in laying out my ground rules and my non-negotiables.

So I'm with the other women that talked to you when you were telling me about you releasing this chapter, you said a lot of women told you that their confidence eroded from a bad relationship. And when I think about the worst times in my life where I didn't have a lot of confidence, it was in a bad relationship. So I totally agree.

And I know we're running out of time, So my last question for you is what words of encouragement would you have to a woman out there who believes it's impossible for me to find a perfect partner who could uplift me, who can support me, and there's no perfect person out there for me, and I just got to settle with who I have right now because I'm never gonna find somebody who loves me like him. Like, what are your words for encouragement to get out of a bad relationship? If someone came to me and said the exact words

that you just said to me, my response is, you're right. Now, the reason why I say you're right is because you just said, it's impossible. So if you think it's impossible, then of course, that's where you're going to end up in that type of relationship. What you need to do as the words of encouragement is you need to start changing your freaking words. Tell yourself that it's possible because if you don't believe it it's not gonna happen. It is possible but the

first step is you have to understand and believe it otherwise you won't act in accordance. Our actions are a reflection and an echo of our belief system. So if you believe it's impossible, yes, you will end up in a relationship that is terrible, that will ruin your confidence. Obviously, I don't hope that, but I'm just saying if you don't think it's possible to find someone that's going to uplift you, then you're going to settle. How do you make sure you don't settle? You got to tell yourself, and I have a husband that is generously supportive.

And so if nothing else, proof of concept, it does exist. I'm not going to say it's easy, you have to work on yourself, that person has to work on themselves. So there's a whole load of things that need to go into having a healthy relationship. But never, ever should anyone think that they have to settle for what is in front of them. You freaking deserve more and you have to start believing you deserve more and that all starts with telling yourself that it's possible. Amazing.

Well, thank you so much, Lisa, for joining us on Young and Profiting Podcast. Again, her book is called Radical Confidence. She's re-releasing it with a new chapter. If you guys are in a relationship that's hurting your confidence, I highly recommend that you go check it out. We did not cover nearly as much of the good gems that are in that book.

So there's so much more to learn from Lisa. Lisa, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. And I just wanna take one moment to let your audience know, like when I met you in person, homie, I was so freaking impressed. And I love to surround myself with empowering women that uplift, that think positive, that have huge goals because you are the epitome of the five people you surround yourself with.

And so in meeting you and what you stand for and what you're doing, homie, I freaking applaud you and I'm so damn impressed of what you've built and what you're doing in the world, and I just want to encourage you, and I'm a freaking cheerleader of yours, and I hope you feel it, because I've got my pom-poms for you, girl, and I'm cheering you on. Oh, you're the best, Lisa. Thank you so much.

I love spending time with you. You're always welcome on Young and Profiting Podcast. Thank you so much for dropping all this wisdom today. Thank you, much for dropping all this wisdom today. Thank you, Mahomi. I loved having Lisa back on the show. She and I have so much in common. She's such a hustler. She's so positive.

She's so cool. She's so down to earth. All those things make us the same, not just our height. Radical confidence is such a powerful way to express that ability to keep showing up day after day to do what it takes to get the job done, and to get it done right, to have the mindset to take on your mistakes, but to not let your mistakes define you. Lisa spoke about how we can even use our own insecurities to drive ourselves toward our goals. If you're trying to protect yourself from your own fears, from other people's opinions,

then you're doing yourself more harm than good. The only way to move past such insecurities is to confront them head on. And the same can be said about toxic relationships, according to Lisa. A bad relationship can hold you back on so many levels, and it can put a huge dent in your confidence. A bad relationship can hold you back on so many levels. And it can put a huge dent in your confidence. A bad relationship can affect you just as much as losing a job,

having a health scare, or enduring some other form of chronic stress. A bad relationship, guys, will ruin your life. You've got to pick your relationships, especially your significant other. You've got to make that a really important thought through decision and you've got to realize that that person's gonna impact your future, your financial well-being, your stress, your happiness. That person is gonna mean so much to your future. I was in a relationship with somebody who didn't want me to become an entrepreneur. And the second I left, my company skyrocketed, my life skyrocketed, I was happier, and I just wasn't controlled anymore.

If you're in a toxic relationship, try to figure out how you can take the steps to get yourself out of that relationship and get more control over your life. And give your space the opportunity to find the right person because if you can find the right person, a person who can lift you up and contribute to your confidence and support you in everything that you want to do and bring joy to your life and you guys like doing the same things and you have good communication and both of you benefit from the relationship, then that relationship can be a force multiplier in your work and your life. And it's worth waiting for. Thanks so much for listening to this episode of Young and Profiting

Podcast. Why not be a force multiplier right now for another person? If you listened, learned, and profited from this conversation with the amazing Lisa Bellew, then please share it with somebody who could learn from it as well. And if you did enjoy this show and you learned something new, the number one way to thank me and everybody who works hard on this show is by dropping us a 5-star review on Apple Podcast. And if you prefer to watch your podcast as videos, you can find all of our videos uploaded on YouTube just look up Young and Profiting. And you can also find me on Instagram at Yap with Hala or LinkedIn by

searching my name. It's Hala Taha. Before we go, I always got to say thank you to my awesome Yap Media production team. You guys are incredible. I am thankful for you every day. This is your host Hala Taha, AKA the Podcast Princess, signing off. ["The New York Times"]