Young and Profiting with Hala Taha - YAPClassic: Marisa Peer on Overcoming Negative Self-Talk and Childhood Conditioning That's Holding You Back | Mental Health Part 1

Episode Date: May 5, 2023

Marisa Peer had a lonely childhood: her father was always at work and her mother was sick and unfulfilled, attempting suicide several times. Through growing up in that environment, she learned two crucial lessons: every child takes on a specific role, and it is the interpretation of what happens to us that shapes us. She used these lessons to fuel her career as a therapist and eventually become one of the most well-respected hypnotherapists in the world. In this episode of YAPClassic, you’ll learn about the different roles children take on, how to parent yourself when you didn’t receive the love or kindness that you needed from your parents, and how the language you use may be contributing to your mental and physical health problems.  Marisa Peer is a therapist, best-selling author, and keynote speaker. Her mission is to spread the message that there are simple, rapid, and effective techniques everyone can use to change their life. She's the founder and creator of RTT®—a new and exciting, multi-award-winning therapy taking the world by storm. Known as an expert therapist on many high-profile US and UK television networks, Marisa is also an acknowledged and inspirational speaker—from TEDx and Condé Nast to the Royal Society of Medicine and is the creator of the iconic “I Am Enough” movement.  In this episode, Hala and Marisa will discuss:  - The four roles all children play  - It isn’t the events that affect you; it’s how you interpret these events - What to do when nobody believes in you  - The four phrases you NEED to repeat to yourself every day - How to stop negatively conditioning your children  - The value of being your own parent and falling in love with yourself  - Why you need to change your emotions, not your logic  - How language informs the subconscious mind - Is your self-hatred causing physical health problems?  - The right way to practice affirmations  - And other topics… Marisa Peer is the founder and creator of RTT®—a new and exciting, multi-award-winning therapy taking the world by storm. Marisa has spent over three decades treating a client list that includes international superstars, CEOs, royalty, and Olympic athletes. A best-selling author of five books, Marisa has been heralded as “one of the most powerful transformers of human behavior,” and “one of the few women in history to have a profound impact on the field of hypnotherapy.” Known as an expert therapist on many high-profile US and UK television networks, Marisa is also an acknowledged and inspirational speaker—from TEDx and Condé Nast to the Royal Society of Medicine. She also dedicates her time to developing powerful self-hypnosis programs designed to release common blocks people face in every area of their life, from self-confidence, weight, relationships, finances, and much more.  LinkedIn Secrets Masterclass, Have Job Security For Life: Use code ‘masterclass’ for 25% off at yapmedia.io/course. Resources Mentioned: Marisa’s Training Website: https://rtt.com/ I Am Enough: https://iamenough.com/i-am-enough-homepage/ Marisa’s Books: https://marisapeer.com/books/  Marisa’s YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarisaPeer/featured  Marisa’s Website: https://marisapeer.com/ Active Deals - youngandprofiting.com/deals Key YAP Links Reviews - ratethispodcast.com/yap Youtube - youtube.com/c/YoungandProfiting LinkedIn - linkedin.com/in/htaha/ Instagram - instagram.com/yapwithhala/ Social + Podcast Services: yapmedia.com Transcripts - youngandprofiting.com/episodes-new Entrepreneurship, entrepreneurship podcast, Business, Business podcast, Self Improvement, Self-Improvement, Personal development, Starting a business, Strategy, Investing, Sales, Selling, Psychology, Productivity, Entrepreneurs, AI, Artificial Intelligence, Technology, Marketing, Negotiation, Money, Finance, Side hustle, Startup, mental health, Career, Leadership, Mindset, Health, Growth mindset.

Welcome back Young and Profiters. May is Mental Health Awareness Month, so to kick off the month right, we are replaying part one of my interview with Marissa Peer. Marissa is the award-winning founder of Rapid Transformational Therapy. Through her work, Marissa teaches people to edit their story and rewrite their life. Marissa's clientele includes Hollywood celebrities, CEOs, royalty, and professional athletes. She's also the best-selling author of five books and the creation. of the iconic I Am Enough movement. In this episode, Marissa and I talk about the different roles children take on

and how to parent yourself when you didn't receive the love or the kindness that you needed from your parents growing up. We also discuss how the language you use may be contributing to your mental and physical health problems. And lastly, Marissa reveals the right way to practice affirmations. If you're looking to improve your self-esteem and learn how to self-soothe, this episode is for you. And keep an eye out for part two where we talk about the difference between arrogance and confidence, how to overcome doubt, and so much more.

Let's jump right in and embrace Mental Health Awareness Month with the brilliant Marissa Peer. Hi, Marissa. Welcome to Young and Profiting Podcast. Hey, how are you? Great. I'm so happy to have you. Okay, so you are really an exciting person that we are super looking forward to talking to because you are one of the most famous, you know, therapists that are out there. So from my understanding, you had a bit of a lonely childhood. You were one of the middle children. Your father was a headmaster or a principal. Your mother was sick quite often. And you ended up feeling really alone. So I'd love to start off with understanding what your

childhood was like and how that built your mindset up as a young adult and how that impacted you as a young adult and the stories that you told yourself because of the way that you grew up. Yeah, you know, if you looked at my childhood from the outside, it looked amazing. We literally lived in a house with a white picket fence. My father was a head teacher, stroke prints. My mother was very beautiful. But that was on the outside and the inside. It was a strange childhood. My father, bless his heart, because he was a good person, was just so interested in everyone else's kids. He was an amazing head teacher. He's one of those typical people where he was busy, busy looking after everyone else's children, and we were sort of emotionally neglected, I guess. And then my mother was another story. she was beautiful, completely unfulfilled. My father and her couldn't have been less suited if they tried. And she just was always sick. And I understood something very early in my childhood, because now I don't regret any of it, is that we pick a role. My mother picked the sick one. It met all her needs. My father picked the brilliant one. It met all his needs. And I became the caring one. I was always trying to get my parents to love me by tidying up the house, being good, being academic. My brother was also the

one. And my sister, little sister was the cute, pretty one. So I guess I learned something very early, which is what I call four play, the four roles we play in order to belong. And there's only four. You're either sick, you're brilliant, you're caring, or you're the very rebellious one, which my brother became later because you can change roles. And that stood me in great stead as a therapist, because I often say to my clients, look, which one are you? There's only four. And they go, wow, I never knew that. I was the sick one. And my sister, I hated. her, but now I see that she was the competitive one, and most therapists are the caring one. So that was interesting for me. Something else was very interesting. I had a grandmother that loved me. She

thought I was a genius, and I realized something else. You need one person in your life to believe and if you have that one person, you'll be okay. And I often think I would have been a juvenile delinquent if I hadn't had my grandmother. And so my childhood wasn't horrible. I mean, I see people every day with a most dreadful, appalling, horrific childhood. My childhood was a middle class, but a nice house, we had nice stuff, we got fed every day, we had heating, we had food, but it was an emotionally slightly neglected childhood.

But I don't regret any of it because it made me, I guess, understand people. But I did, it was a lonely childhood. I didn't feel special. I didn't feel smart. I didn't feel attractive. I didn't feel interesting. I didn't feel anything.

But that also led me. me to what I now believe is the core of most people's problems, which is that I'm not enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm the head teacher's daughter. I'm supposed to be brilliant. I'm definitely not pretty enough. I'm not interesting enough. But I realized that I could change all of that by changing what I said to myself. And then I went from feeling like this geeky, freaky, hideous kid to someone who thought, no, I'm pretty good, actually. I'm smart. I'm interesting. I'm attractive. I understood, and I wish we were all taught this in schools, that the most important words you'll ever hear are your words. And you can't go through it. I've going, hey, could you out

there make me believe I'm attractive or interesting or worthy? We have to do it ourselves. So now, I'm glad I had that childhood because I learn what I teach other people. Do not give anyone else agency over your life or your thoughts or your beliefs. You make your beliefs. You make your beliefs. And then your beliefs turn right around and make you, and you get the choice of making your beliefs. But I get the most interesting thing for my childhood of all, though, was this scene that was played out. My mother tried to kill herself several times. She would throw herself down the stairs. She was in many ways hysterical.

She was a lovely person, but she was so unfulfilled. And my father would just pick up his briefcase and go to work, and I remember thinking, oh, that's what you do. when you're in this crazy relationship, you need a great career because it fulfills you. And I remember thinking that. But my brother told me that he looked at that scene and thought you never marry someone beautiful because they're hysterical. My sister said she looked at and thought, wow, you must marry someone who loves you more than you love them.

And then they won't leave you. They won't pick up their briefcase and go to work. So three kids saw the same scene played out every week. We each formed a different belief. I believed you need a great career. My brother believed don't marry anyone. Beautiful. My sister believed marry someone who loves you more than you love them.

And that was probably one of my key learnings that it isn't events that affect you. It's the interpretation you put on them, which you are free to change at any time. And so for years, I had relationships that were deeply unfulfilling because I had a belief. Relationships go wrong. It was never, if it was always when, you need a good. great career for when they go wrong. And the day I changed that belief, everything changed. So I really believe that what happens doesn't affect you as much as what you believe about what happens. And yet your beliefs are yours to change. I think so many parts of that story are super

interesting. The first one that's like my big takeaway is the fact that you said, you just need one person to believe in you. And your grandmother was that one person for you. For me, it was my father. I mean, I was always, I was a black sheep growing up. All my siblings went to med school. And I was, you know, everybody thought that I was going to be a failure trying to be in radio and all these things. And turns out I was completely fine, but I just didn't fit in with my family. And so I know what you mean when you have that one person. It can really help push you along. What about if people don't have one person? What do they do if there's nobody who believes in them? I guess you're going to find that one person. You know, I meet many. I met a girl recently who's

father was a drug dealer whose sister drowned in the pool because he was, and she said, you know, I had a teacher. I used to go to school early in the morning and I hated the holidays. And that teacher believed in me. One of the reasons I became a therapist because I wanted to be that person. And I have many kids who come in, suicidal teenagers, you know, kids that are cutting themselves. And I would say, listen, I believe in you. You're smart. You got something to offer the world. We have a belief that it's always family, but it isn't. It could be a thing. teacher. It could be a therapist. It could be a friend's parent. I have an amazing friend, and she's taken in other people's kids and raised them, and she's just the most extraordinary. She was

adopted herself, and she really has a great heart for children. And so I believe that we have a whole tribe, and it's a matter of where can you find someone? Can you join a group? Can you find maybe you can find an old person in your community who can be like your mother? People write to me and go, hey, you're like my mom. I feel like you're my mom giving me. I love that. I love the fact that I'm now mom to lots of people. So I think you have to first of all believe there is someone out there to believe in you and then go out and find them. But I think what people do is I go out what I need a wife, I need a husband, I need a girlfriend, a boyfriend, and we put all our energy into finding someone to love us. We try so hard to make someone love us when in fact all you have to do is put the energy

into loving yourself. Wake up every day, look in the mirror and go, hey, I matter, I'm amazing, I'm lovable, I'm enough. If you could say every day, just these four phrases, I'm lovable, I'm enough, I matter, I'm significant, say it, say it, say it, because your mind will let it in, it doesn't care or even know if what you tell it is right or wrong.

When you fill yourself up and the inside, then go out with that sense of, I matter, I'm worthy. you'll find lots of people who want to be in your life and support you and believe in you, but it's hard for someone else to believe in you when you don't believe in you. So the easiest thing in the world is take a minute and think about the words you'd love to hear. We all have a vision of someone going, oh, you're the one, you're everything, and start saying it to yourself. Start saying those words to yourself.

It doesn't matter who says them. They sink in anyway. and then you'll go out in the world and find people who believe in you, but you have to also believe in you to make that happen. So when we're growing up, a lot of people say negative things around us that end up shaping our own internal stories, whether your parent might have said that you were a mistake,

or that your parents seem stressed out or talk negatively to you, and then you grow up believing all these negative things about yourself. So to some of the new parents that are out there, how do you recommend that we stop this negative conditioning with our children? Yeah, you know, it's the saddest thing of all because when a parent is mean to the child, down on the child, hard on the child. The child doesn't stop loving the parent. They immediately stop loving themselves because the child is very simple. It's like, I'm nice to my mommy. So therefore, she'll be nice to me.

But she's not nice to me. She's shouting. she's angry. So it must be my fault. You know, children must idealize their parents. They don't have any choice. They understand innately, I'm here and I can't look after myself. So I've got to make you love me and then all my needs are met. And it's scary for a child to work. Oh, my mom's mentally ill. My dad's depressed. My mom's an alcoholic. And what the child does is they blame themselves. It's my fault dad's always at work. It's my fault mom's always crying. I've got to be better. And they'd be this huge effort to be perfect, which is impossible. So as a parent understand that your children

have to idolize you. And when you're hard on them, they blame themselves and own it. Go up and they're and go, you know, darling, today, mommy was not nice mommy. Today, Mommy was crossed. Today, Daddy lost it. I'm so sorry. It was nothing to do with you. It was, my little girl said to me one day, Mommy, have you got your pyramid today? Because you're very cranky. Because I say, you know, darling, Mommy wasn't nice today, Mommy. had her period, it made me a bit cranky, I'm really sorry, it was not your fault, you're a great kid, and I would always own it and apologize, not all the time, but I said, I'm sorry, today I was a bit mean, today I was distracted. When you have a fight, you go, you know, mommy and daddy had a fight today,

but hey, kids fight, it doesn't mean we don't love you. And if you break up, you say, this is nothing to do with you, we love you so much. I found the thing for me was to say to my daughter, There's nothing you could do in the whole world ever that would stop me loving you. If you did something bad, I would be upset, but I will always love you. I will never, ever not love you. And as my daughter grow up, I had so many kids would turn up at my house. My mom's thrown me out because she found me smoking. My mom's kicked me out in the middle of the night because she discovered I was having sex with someone.

And I'd always say, I would never, ever kick you out of the house, no matter what you do. If you go to jail, I come to visit you. obviously I didn't want her to go to jail. But I think children have to know that you're their safe place. And I also think it's really important not to make them like you, hey, we're academic. Why aren't you? We're sporty. Why aren't you sporty?

You know, you can't say to the kid, what's wrong with you. You're not supposed to give birth to yourself. Your children challenge you. I said, my daughter, hey, you know, you're my teacher because you're teaching me because you're so divinely and you're teaching me how to be with someone who isn't like me. And I was a single parent, and that's difficult because, I mean, in many ways, it's wonderful, but it's also difficult because you don't have another person when I'm having a bad day. My little girl didn't have another parent to go to.

To go, Mommy's just having a bad day lets you and I hang out. But it's a great thing to be a parent. You just have to understand that children are fragile and they get very damaged by shouting, screaming and blaming. but they don't need to live in a perfect world. And as long as you can own it and say this was nothing to do with you, you're great, you're amazing, you are a source of joy. It's my greatest pleasure to be your parent. Being your parent is my joy.

It's amazing. I love raising you. And then say things like, you know, you're so funny. You're so interesting. You're so cute. I love you because you're you. So you can really, the most important thing as a parent is not to give your kids. organic broccoli, it's to give them high self-esteem. And you do that by making them feel good about

themselves, not excessively, but just loving them for who they are. I can tell you, I made so many failures of parents, so many. But you just got to pull it back and be great with your children. It's never too late to sit down and say, you know, I make so many mistakes. None of that was your fault. It was my fault. And you are the joy of my life. And I'm so glad I had you. And it it really makes a difference. Let's hold that thought and take a quick break with our sponsors. At Yap, we have a super unique company culture. We're all about obsessive excellence.

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sponsored job credit to get your jobs more visibility at Indeed.com.com. Profiting. Just go to indeed.com slash profiting right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Indeed.com slash profiting. Terms and conditions apply. Hiring, Indeed is all you need. I've heard you say before that we can be our own parent if we didn't have the parent that said the right things to us or if our parents passed away or whatever it is, you can go and be your own parent. What do you mean by that? What can we do to kind of self-soothe? I actually believe two things. It's never too late to have a happy childhood and it's never too late to be a parent to yourself. And again, I had very emotionally absent parents. But I began to understand what would I need from a

parent? And, you know, what you need from a parent is reassurance. I love it. I love it. I love it. you. You're amazing. I'm so glad I had you. You're smart. You're interesting. My world is a better place just because you're in it. So again, think of the words you want to hear and it's very simple, start saying them over and over and over again because again the mind doesn't go. What will you're saying that? It doesn't count. So be a loving parent to yourself every day and that simply means imagining what you want here. It's what I call the missing bit. What are the words you love to hear? Don't go searching for someone else to put them in you, because that makes you needy put them into yourself. I always wanted to hear I was the favourite, and I was my grandmother's favourite,

but I began to say one day as an experiment, I'm the favourite. I'm my parents' favourite. It was very peculiar because I really wasn't. My sister was my mother's favourite and my brother was my father's favourite. My mum loved the cute, pretty last little baby and my dad loved having a son, and my son went to a private school, and I didn't because I wasn't smart. But when I said it, what was so amazing me was how quickly it became, all of a sudden, my father was like honing him in like a lazy going, oh, you're amazing and so proud of you. And I thought, wow, it's almost scary how fast this works. And then I realized that actually I didn't really like that because my father and mother both

started to hone in on me more than my brother and sister. So I stopped saying that. And I thought, you know, I don't actually need it. And when my father began to say the things I'd wanted to hear my whole life, I'm so proud of you. You're done so well. I thought, it's weird. I've wanted this forever. Now I've got it.

It's like, oh, I don't even need it because I've done it myself. I don't need my father to say it because I've said it to myself. And so if you've heard your mother or father say, you know, you were a mistake, we wanted a girl and you were the fourth boy or vice versa. We really wanted a boy and you were the fifth girl, start saying, I was meant to be the fifth girl. I'm supposed to be a girl in here. And my parents are thrilled that I'm the fifth girl. Even if it's not true, keep saying it. My parents are so proud of me.

My parents are so supportive. Even if it's not true, you may find that they change, but even if they don't, it won't matter because it will be that balm for your soul that is so powerful. powerful. I think that is such incredible advice. So let's talk about how you built up your confidence, because from my understanding, you were pretty insecure growing up. You mentioned before you felt lonely, you felt unattractive, you were told you couldn't have children at a young age. That probably was a big blow to your self-esteem, especially back then when, you know, women were just supposed to get married and have kids. So you probably felt insecure about that.

It turned out to not even be true. So how did you? Rebuild your confidence. What was the turning point in your life? You know, I definitely felt less than. I felt less interesting, less attractive, less everything. And I don't know the turning point. I just began to say the words I needed to hear. You know, I went to college. I was asked to leave college. My father was devastated by that, but I actually wasn't. I thought it was a great thing. And I ended up going to L.A. and teaching aerobics for Jane Fonda. I was a bit of a renegade by them.

I started off being the real caring kid, and then I became slightly rebellious, like, well, I'm just going to do what I want. And I loved teaching aerobics for Jane Fonda, but that was also a turning point because I saw all these amazing women, famous, beautiful, stunning women who'd go, well, you know,

I've got fat ankles or a bit of fat on my knees, and they were so down on themselves, and I think I understood, again, wow, you know, they're all believing that if I had a perfect body, if my hair was perfect, and they were perfect, I would be happy. And that was another example of, wow, they're looking outside themselves. I just need to be five pounds lighter. I just need bigger breasts, smaller thighs. I've got to have big hair and a small butt, but I seem to have a big butt and thin hair, so therefore I don't count. And I think what I always are,

also saw then was women who decided, I hate my body. So I'm going to punish it. I'm going to starve it. I'm going to deprive it of food. I'm going to force it to work out really hard for a long time. And it never worked. What worked was going, well, I love this body. Yeah, I got big thighs. I love them. I've got a big butt. I love my big butt. I love everything about myself. And it was this seeing how if you could love your body and go, I love all the things it does, that it would then it would change. I love my body, so I'm not going to fill it with donuts and garbage. I'm going to give it good food. And it was really this turning point of, wow, when you can love who you are, you start to treat yourself with respect. But when you come at it from self-hatred, it doesn't make you change.

It makes you hate yourself more. You know, one of the fascinating things about the mind is whatever you look for, you will find whatever you focus on, you get more. So when you start to look for the floors, I got cellulite, or I don't have a six-pack, I don't have a great job, I don't have a great car. When you look for that, you find, well, when you look for what's great, wow, you know, I do have a little fat tummy, but my partner loves that. I do have not perfect skin, but who cares? it's really important to love all the things your body does and to when you fall in love with

yourself sounds very arrogant but it isn't it's a lifelong romance it never forgets your birth it never disappoints you don't have to wax everything off snip things off inject things in there's nothing to be taken away or added to make you love you and falling in love with yourself is easy it just starts with saying you're a great person you're not night, you're kind, you're warm. You know, no one goes, hey, I love you because you've got thin thighs. They go, I love you because you're a good person because you're funny, you're compelling, you're interesting. No one ever says, I love you because your skin is perfect. If they did, well, who wants to be with someone like that? So it's so important to love ourselves, to help our kids

love ourselves and to get away from this self-hatred forcing your body to be something else, forcing you to be someone else, forcing yourself to be what other people want, rather than just going, hey, I'm me, and if you love me, that's great. If you don't, well, that's okay because I love me. Because when you become someone else to make someone love, which I did a lot when I was growing up, I pretended to be this really confident, sparky person, which really wasn't me at all. But then when someone loves you, you think, yeah, but they don't even know who I am. I've played a whole game here. I've faked all of this. And now I don't know how to show this person who I really am. But when you start from who you really are, I'm a flawed person. And I'm going to have a great flawed relationship with

another flawed person, because that's the best you can ever be a flawed person having flawed relationships with flawed people. And it's so, you can actually start to breathe out. And you go, yeah, you know, I'm not perfect. Neither are my friends or my friends or my friends. partner, but I'm having a great time because people love me, not the me. I think I've got to pretend to be to get through life. I think what you're saying is super important. It's so important to speak positively to yourself, to boost yourself up, to love yourself and not to try to find love and other people. So I know that when you're working at Jane Fonda's fitness center, you met a pioneer in hypnotism. What did you learn from him? And what is hypnotherapy?

for people who may not know. You know, hypnotherapy is people think it's about going to sleep. It's actually a sleep of the nervous. You have a subconscious mind and a conscious mind. The subconscious runs the show. And, you know, we, again, we keep trying to make these changes constantly. Imagine if you're scared of dogs, terrified of dogs. You mean you remember the little tiny chihuahua in that,

I was going, well, you know, this is a little cute thing. And look, it's so lovely. And I'm holding it. It will never hurt you. That's all logic, but the emotion is, no, no, no, that dog's going to bite me and attack me. So fears are emotional. Here's a rule of the mind. In a battle between logic and emotion, emotion always, always, always wins. And so hypnosis doesn't do logic changing. Let's talk about your feelings. Oh, you're scared of mice. Let's maybe draw a picture or talk about mice and understand mice or indeed spiders.

because logic doesn't work, the emotional mind is going to run the show. And so what hypnosis does is takes you back to a place in time when you acquired a fear, show you what was going on, and then change the perception. You know, you were talking a bit before about language, so was I. And here's the thing, you can choose to be negative and you can choose to be positive, but what you cannot choose is the damage you do to your body. when you use negative language, my job is killing me. This kid is driving me insane.

My partner makes me want to kill myself. I'm the size of a house. I've got a butt, the size of a continent. We say these crazy things and don't understand that the subconscious mind is always listening. It's always on record. And it believes everything you tell it. So when you say, oh, if one more person goes and I'm going to kill myself, The subconscious mind believes, oh, you're going to kill yourself with one more person, dumps you.

My job is to keep you alive. So I'm just going to turn you into a really cold-hearted, solitary person. And now you can never be dumped. When you say to the subconscious, this commute is going to be the death of me. Your mind goes, you know what? Why don't I give you chronic diarrhea, panic attacks? Because I can't have you go on that commute that you keep saying is killing you. So we really need to understand the subconscious mind is emotional, not logical.

We'll be right back after a quick break from our sponsors. What's up, young and profitors. I remember when I first started Yap, I used to dread missing important calls. I remember I lost a huge potential partnership because the follow-up thread got completely lost in my messy communication system. Well, this year, I'm focused on not missing any opportunities. And that starts with your business communication. A missed call is money and growth out the door.

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Somebody wrote to me and said, you know, I listen to you talking and what I say every day is, I just can't stand it. I can't stand it when my kids don't put the lives on jobs. I I can't stand it when my husband leaves his clothes all over the floor. And the arches of my feet had collapsed and I was in immense pain. And I stopped saying those words immediately. Guess what happened? My foot archers just went back to normal. How weird is that?

Well, that's actually not weird because your mind uses your words to work out what's going wrong. You know, I haven't meant who will say, oh, you know, this is getting on my nerves and it's driving me crazy. and then they say, and I've got itchy skin or irritable bowel or chronic digestion. And we see a lot of autoimmune diseases now where their body is turning on itself. And a lot of people all think I'm crazy for saying this, but I believe that this self-hatred we have of ourselves, this belief that I've got to look like someone in a magazine, which is all airbrushed and not real,

if you go through this self, wait, I'm going to look in there, go, oh, look at this state of me, look at my hair, look at my skin, I look terrible, I look old or tired. It isn't surprising that when you're practicing self-hatred, you might just get an autoimmune disease. And before you dismiss the out of hand, doctors now say that 70% of patients turning up at A&E have real physical problems that are caused by disease thinking.

So many of our modern issues, the panic attacks, the anxiety, and not that your organ is diseased, But your thinking is diseased. You know, we think we're machines with broken parts, but we're people with broken experiences. And so hypnosis is, I think, the most profound way of going back and saying, let's take a look at this. I mean, I'll give you a great example. I met a girl. I met her online because she couldn't leave the house because she had this hypersensitivity to daylight, to sunlight. Any UVA rays would burn her skin. And so she was condemned to staying in the house. She was condemned to staying in the house. She was. was a coach. She worked from home. And she could only go out at night. And that was a horrible life for her, but she wasn't born like that. And when we went back and had a look at when this began, she said, oh, I was being really bullied at school. And I said to my mom, I don't want to go to school anymore. My mom said, don't be ridiculous. You have to go. I hate my job. I've got to go to work. You've got to go to school, suck it up. And I asked her again, I said, mom, I'm being really

badly bullied. Please, can I say him? And she said, no. And she said, you know, I long to stay. at home. It seemed so seductive to stay at home. And then I got this skin issue and I couldn't leave the house. And so what's so interesting is your mind is like the genie and your wish. Is it so matter when a child goes, I just, I'd never want to leave the house. I want to stay at home. I don't want to leave the house. The mind goes, okay, that's a direct request. In fact, it's a command. And my job is to make that real. So now I'm going to create a way of you never leaving the house. That's an extreme exam. We've all done this thing where we go, oh, God, what I had gear for a week lying around on the sofa doing nothing. And lo and behold, we get the flu. We've often said things that,

I'm dreading, dreading next Wednesday. I've got to give a presentation or a speech. I'm taking this exam. And as next Wednesday comes along, we wake up with chronic diarrhea or the flu or a headache. because our mind listens and acts to the words we tell it. And all you have to do is change the words. Next Wednesday you go, I'm a meeting. It's challenging, but I'm going to be amazing. I know what to say. I'm really good at my job.

This commute is a challenge, but hey, I can listen to great audio books. I can take time for myself. And my problem, this commute to work on the 405 freeway, someone else's fantasy dream come through. My kid keeps me up. someone on the other side would give anything to have a kid like that and it doesn't last long. So you've got to stop the negative and accentuate the positive and then your mind doesn't think, wow, you keep saying, this job's killing me. My kid's driving me crazy. Now I've got unexpended

but I can't have another kid because you keep telling your mind it's killing you. So be aware of how you talk to yourself and understand that although you're choosing the negative, you're not able to choose how that impacts your health. Change your dialogue. Change the way you talk to yourself. Change the words you use. And it really does change everything. Just something as simple as changing nervous to excited. I'm terrified. I'm excited. This is a nightmare. This is a challenge. This is killing me. This is stretching me. This is driving me insane. Oh, my kids just age appropriate. They're awake all night when they're 15. I wish they were home in bed keeping me up. They leave smeary peanut butter stains all over the counter, but in 10 years, they won't even be here,

and I wish they were. So look at the words you use and change them, because it really does change everything. And it's easy and it's free, and it's kind of almost instant too. Oh my gosh, this is such good stuff, Marissa. I'm really enjoying this conversation. So let's stick on mindset a bit. Let's talk about affirmations, which you actually don't call them affirmations. You call them, I think, truth statements or statements of truth. So why don't you call them affirmations? What's wrong with that word? There's nothing wrong with affirmations except many of my clients going to go, hey, I've got an affirmation. I've got a little poster and it says life is a beautiful walk in the park and the sun is always shining. And that's actually not true. Sometimes,

you know, the sun isn't shining and you tread in dog mess and it's not what you think it is. And I think statements of truth should be about you. You see, the words that follow I am follow you. And so a statement of truth is say I am and then go, I am positive. I am lovable. I am worthy. I am enough. I am an amazing person.

I have something incredible to offer the world. You know, we present something to the mind, and it turns around, presents it right back. So when the words that follow, I am, I am inadequate, I am useless, I am a failure, I am not enough. You present that, and then sadly, you become it. And so statements of truth are really, what do you want to say about yourself? And it's not an affirmation. It's the truth. Here's the truth about you.

You're amazing. You're unique. There's no one else in the world. You have something amazing to offer the world. Even if you don't know it, you have a gift. You're meant to be here. You're meant to be you exactly the way you are. And so when you can begin to go, I am. You know, I love this story about Meryl's Street. She went up for the part in King Kong that Jessica Lang was given. And after her audition, the director said, Merrill, I'm going to tell you the truth. You're not pretty enough for this part. and you're never going to make it in the movies, and you need to go home and do something else. And she said, you know what?

That's your opinion, in a sea of opinions, I think I'll go away and find a better opinion. And I love that about her because when he said, no, she said, I'm not letting that in. So he had a statement of truth, and she said, oh, I've got a different statement of truth. I am going to be a phenomenal actress. Someone said to him and Naomi Campbell, Naomi,

you'll never get on the cover of Vogue. that door is shut to black model. She said, shut, I'll kick it open. And that's a statement of truth. It's like, it's not your statement. It's my statement. The director story was that Merrill wasn't pretty enough. The Vogue story was that a black girl couldn't be on the cover.

But that was their story. It wasn't your story. Your mother didn't love you. That's her story. It's not your story. Your story is you're a memory. My parents' story was, our son is amazing and our daughter's a disappointment. But that wasn't my story, that was their story.

So that was their statement, truth. It wasn't mine. It was for a while. And I thought, well, I'm going to have a different statement. I'm amazing. Got something to offer the world. And I'm here for a reason. When some person goes, oh, I don't love you anymore, you're not what I want.

That's their story. That doesn't mean you're not amazing and incredible and meant to be here. So the statement of truth is not making someone else's story, your story. It's deciding what you want to hear and saying it as a statement of truth. So when you say it, you say it with unshakable conviction. You say it with certainty. You don't just write I'm enough on a little post-it note and stick it on your fridge. you read it, you say it, you go, I am enough. And you say it in a way that's convincing and powerful,

you use that unshakable, unwavering conviction and certainty in your voice. If you want to believe something about yourself, make it a statement of truth, own it, say it, affirm it, state it. Because what's so amazing is that when you do it so quickly, it stops being what you say, and it really becomes who you are. You know, I've been a therapist my entire adult life. And I've had people come up who don't have a voice, can't speak, are always crying, and in half an hour, almost a different person, they go, wow, I never knew that I could hold my head up

and say, I matter, I'm significant, I'm lovable, and I'm enough, and it would become real. So that's why I call it statements. I find affirmations are not always, but they can be wishy-washy, the suns, or every day in every way I'm getting better and better is an affirmation, but that's very vague. What does that even mean? A statement of truth is every day I wake up knowing I matter. I feel great about who I am. I've got a purpose. I'm here for a reason. Don't know what that is, but I know I'm going to find it and live it and live my best life. So I think statements, are just more powerful and more clear than affirmations. Affirmations can be clear. Sometimes they're not.

I don't believe in them. I just prefer statements.