Young and Profiting with Hala Taha - YAPSnacks: Best of Chris Voss, World's Top Negotiation Expert | Part 2

Episode Date: October 7, 2022

When we enter a negotiation of any kind, we have to consider much more than what we are saying. There are countless factors that go into a negotiation’s success, such as your body language, your tone of voice, and the way you frame information. By paying close attention to all verbal and nonverbal factors of a negotiation, you improve the likelihood of getting the outcome you want.  Chris Voss is a globally-renowned negotiation coach who founded The Black Swan Group, where he’s using his many years of experience in international crises and high-stakes negotiations to teach people and businesses how to better negotiate and refine their communication styles.  This episode of YAP Snacks follows up on Best of Chris Voss, World’s Top Negotiation Expert \ Part 1 by sharing more of Chris’s negotiation tips and tricks. It will feature topics like tactical empathy, handling accusations, and the illusion of control. Stay tuned to find out more about refining your communication style to get what you want in everyday negotiations!  Topics include: - Tactical empathy - The magic words, “that’s right” - Handling accusations - Body language tricks - Is control an illusion? - And other topics… Sponsored by: The Jordan Harbinger Show - Check out jordanharbinger.com/start for some episode recommendations. Indeed - Visit Indeed.com/YAP to start hiring now. More About Young and Profiting Download Transcripts - youngandprofiting.com   Get Sponsorship Deals - youngandprofiting.com/sponsorships Leave a Review -  ratethispodcast.com/yap Watch Videos - youtube.com/c/YoungandProfiting Follow Hala Taha LinkedIn - linkedin.com/in/htaha/ Instagram - instagram.com/yapwithhala/ TikTok - tiktok.com/@yapwithhala Twitter - twitter.com/yapwithhala Learn more about YAP Media Agency Services - yapmedia.io/ Join Hala's LinkedIn Masterclass - yapmedia.io/course Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode of YAP is sponsored in part by Shopify. Shopify simplifies selling online and in-person so you can focus on successfully growing your business. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com-profiting. What's up everyone? You're listening to YapsNacks, a series of bite-sized content hosted by me, Hala Taha. Today's episode features best-of-content from Chris Voss, the world's top negotiation expert. This is part two of a two-part series.

Chris is a former FBI hostage negotiator and CEO of the Black Swan Group, where he uses his extensive career in international crisis mitigation and high stakes negotiation to teach people how to better negotiate and refine their communication styles. In this episode, we're going to dig into tactical empathy. Tactical empathy is the act of putting yourself in another person's shoes so they feel seen and understood. It piggybacks off of some of the topics from part one such as emotional labeling and mirroring, so if you haven't had a chance to listen to part one yet, we put it out a few weeks ago and I advise that you go back now, listen to part one before moving on to

part two of this series. Apart from tactical empathy, this episode will touch on reading body language, handling accusations, and preparing for negative reactions in advance. To kick things off, let's hear from Chris about the power of diffusing negatives and get a better understanding of tactical empathy. So we're naturally in a negative mindset, survival mode, you know, or default wiring if you will, is on the negative side. It's what kept the cavemen alive.

The optimistic caveman got eaten by the bear every time. The negative pessimistic caveman was like, I'm getting out of here. So that's a wiring that we're born with. You wake up in the morning. You're in a naturally somewhat negative mode because it was necessary for survival. That's why it's really smart to have a gratitude exercise

when you first get out of bed in the morning. It's like mental hygiene. The other, my counterpart, they're gonna be negative. I know that because they're human. I'm gonna throw some stuff out right up the bat to defuse it, not to make them positive, but to defuse the negative. There's a real big difference.

And then I'm gonna sprinkle it in periodically. Like if I'm getting ready to ask you something, by definition, your caveman brain is gonna say, ah, that's greedy. They're asking for too much. I know that. I know that's how your wired is a human being. You can't help it. So the diffusing mechanism is I'm going to say, it's going to seem greedy.

And that not only diffuses, but it notculates it. Somebody asked me what it costs to hire my company or to hire me as a consultant. I'm going to say more than you've ever spent in your life, more than you have. Because first of all, my prices are high. And secondly, I don't want you to get caught off guard by the number. So that's because you're natural negative wiring. So I'm going to let that sink in. And then you're gonna decide whether or not you wanna hear the number. Getting to your second point, which is autonomy.

I need to preserve your autonomy. I need you to choose whether or not you wanna hear the number. I don't need to sell you, I want it. I want you to choose it that preserves your autonomy. Then when you're ready, I've diffused the negative. I preserve your autonomy. You're going to go, all right, how much is?

And then the other thing I know, that the number you imagine is going to be higher than the number that I throw out. So my number is actually going to seem like a relief. That's really smart. So let's dig deeper on tactical empathy, because people get confused empathy with sympathy and even agreement. So, talk to us about the difference between those three. Yeah, so let's talk about the mercenary's definition of empathy, the hostage negotiators.

Who's why I recently started collaborating with Harvard way back when? Because as a hostage negotiator, if I use empathy, it can't be sympathy. I mean, how could I use sympathy without Kaira? How they're going to believe I'm sympathetic to their cause? Isn't that? Or, you know, a Marxist guerrilla faction in Colombia, South America, someplace. They're not going to think I'm sympathetic. But how do I use empathy? Just demonstrating that, demonstrating that I understand where they're coming from. One of my favorite examples is, you know, we had a terrorism trial, we had a bunch of Muslim witnesses, testify voluntarily. How did I get them to testify voluntarily?

I'd sit down with them and I'd say, you believe that there's been a succession of United States governments for the last 200 years that have been anti-Islamic. That's an empathy statement. There was no sympathy in there. There was a demonstration of understanding. There was no agreement, again, to your point. I never said the US government was anti-Islamic. I just said, you believe this, experience. That's empathy.

It's kind of that simple. So the FBI is running along wrong doing that. And then I read Bob Mnukin's book at Harvard, and he says exactly the same thing. Empathy is not agreement. Empathy is not even liking the other side. It's just stating what their opinion is. So, all right, cool. I can use that with anybody.

So, if I could just explain this to my listeners, make sure they fully understand it. You're using tactical empathy to basically dismantle the elephant in the room, diffuse the negativity, and make it so that everything's just out on the table and they feel do it makes them feel more comfortable Like what does it actually do to them? Yeah, and I love your phrase dismantle the elephant in the room versus denying that it's there or Pretending that you love the elephant. I love elephants. No, you don't like elephants. It's right there though so it makes people feel there though. So it makes people feel validated. To feel understood is sort of this almost magical transformation that happens in people. And here's what seems magical. When we were first working on the book, Tal Ra as a co-author said, I think when you demonstrated epiphany or empathy,

it creates an epiphany in the other person. A realization, like a, it's what people say, they say that's right when you've demonstrated empathy. That's right, that's how I feel. So, you know, I'm into neuroscience these days. I looked up epiphany on the web and it said, when you experience an epiphany among the neurochemicals,

that are triggered internally or oxytocin, an oxytocin is a bonding drug. So when someone feels understood by me, I know they bond with me. And if I'm looking to make a deal and have a long-term relationship, I'm going to want you to bond with me. Because now you're going to collaborate.

So it's a really indirect route to save a lot of time. And I can imagine it makes them feel safe and feel like it's okay to tell you information, which in a negotiation, it's all about getting as much information as possible. Exactly. That's right. What would you do?

Yeah. And since you brought up that's right, we're going to have to break that down to our listeners. So tell us about these magical words. That's right. And why your right is actually not what you want to hear. And that's right is, once you hear those words you know, that you're on the right track. Yeah, that's right.

So what people say when they feel completely understood or completely represented by the other side. And, you know, this empathy moment, the oxytocin moment is insane. As an example, it's why common ground is for grade C level negotiators, tactical empathy, that's right moments, that's for the A plus people, and I'll give you an example because regardless of what you think of Donald Trump,

whether you're a supportive of them or against them, you're either perplexed or proud of the fact that his followers follow him come up may. Like he said early on in his presidency, I could shoot somebody on 5th Avenue and my supporters would still be behind me. Now what happened? They created this bond with them. Was it common ground?

Well, when Trump first ran for president, you know, all the pundits said he'll never get elected because he's a New Yorker, he's a billionaire, he's a white male, but the New Yorker and billionaire stuff means he has no common ground with the Republican base and they will never embrace him. Well, clearly they embraced him, despite sharing no common ground, as people would normally define him. So what is it when he stood up and started talking about the stuff that he believed in? At some point in time, people listening to him said,

that's right. That's what I believe in. Trump would be up there and say, I hate the media. And all the Republicans that hate the media would go like, that's right, the media is an evil thing. You know, he says, lame streamed media and vast majority of the Republican base believe that the media is biased.

So he was saying things and people were saying, that's right, creating a bond to be envy. If you love Donald Trump, you want to emulate what he did. That's right, creating a bond to be envy. If you love Donald Trump, you wanna emulate what he did. If you hate Donald Trump, you're mad at what he did. Because it's such a huge bond. And me and my team, we think, if Donald Trump doesn't tell you what oxytocin will do for you in terms of building relationships

that you and Nat pay had it patched. And now a quick break from our sponsors. Young and profitors, do you have a brilliant business idea but you don't know how to move forward with it? Going into debt for a four year degree isn't the only path to success. Instead learn everything you need to know about running a business for free by listening to the Millionaire University podcast. The Millionaire University podcast is a show that's changing the game for aspiring entrepreneurs.

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And remember, the golden rule with all of these negotiation tactics that we've been talking about is to understand that at the end of the day you're dealing with a human who wants to be appreciated and understood. Now let's move on to recap tactical empathy. Remember this is not sympathy. Sympathy is actually not productive while empathy is. Empathy helps people feel heard. It encourages them to open up. When practicing tactical empathy, one thing to keep in mind is that you want to focus on the other person's perspective, rather than relate it to your personal experiences. The reason is because that makes it all about you

and the whole point is to make it about them. You don't wanna take away attention from them because that can be seen as arrogant or dismissive. And the most crucial aspect of using tactical empathy is to make people feel heard or understood. And that can be as simple as just repeating what they've just said. So using that mirroring tactic that we talked about in part one. And you'll know you're right on track when you hear the words, that's right. Now let's put this into practice by listening to some examples of using tactical empathy

in specific conversations. So, let's say your opponent thinks you're an arrogant jerk based on your past, hot-headed interactions. How do you diffuse that elephant in the room in a sympathetic way, which is the wrong way, and then in an empathetic way, which is the right way? A sympathetic way would probably be like, you know, I understand my dad was an arrogant,

hot-headed jerk, and it was really hard for me to deal with him too. You know, that would be like trying to share the experience. I understand is what people often say when they're trying to be sympathetic, but they wanna give you an example of their own experience and how they dealt with it, the unspoken part of it is, I'm saying, like, look, I got over it,

so it's time for you to get over it, too. Which is, you're trying to help people get over stuff. So, you know, you think, on the suicide hotline, way back when he said, if somebody is in quicksand, you don't help them by getting into the quicksand with them. And that's kind of what sympathy is. So, team me up again and I'll give you the tactical empathy. Your opponent thinks you're an arrogant jerk based on fast, hot-headed interactions.

You know, you probably feel like I're an arrogant jerk based on fast, hot-headed interactions. You know, you probably feel like I'm an arrogant jerk. You probably feel like I don't listen to you. Then I fly off the handle. You probably scare the saying to me at all because you never know when I'm going to blow up and it's painful for you. So then they feel like, oh, he understands me. It just makes them, I guess, feel more calm

that that's acknowledged. Yeah, it starts to diffuse it. It makes me look honest, genuine, unafraid of my shortcomings. You're not gonna solve a problem unless you're aware of the problem. If I at least articulate it, at least I'm aware. You know, I'm not giving you a sympathetic response,

which is like kind of like, you know, everybody deals with hot head people, it's just part of life. That doesn't show any awareness that maybe my approach might be counterproductive. So if I say, look, you know, I probably seem like a hot head of jerk. If I begin to demonstrate at least some awareness of it, you have an encouragement.

I am never going to fix a problem that I won't even admit is a problem, you know, first step, right? You know, the 12-step programs globally, whatever 12-step thing you're dealing with. The first step is recognition of the problem, at least recognition of the dynamic. Maybe I don't even want to say it's a problem. At least I recognize the dynamic. That's tremendously reassuring to the other side.

And it doesn't imply that they're wrong in not reacting or they're off base or they're, you know, any of the negative things that simple recognition has a tendency to keep from ever getting on the table. Okay, one more. Let's say you're doing a group project and two colleagues don't get along with each other and they're refusing to work together. How would you diffuse that with tactical empathy? other. How would you diffuse that with tactical empathy? So your answer might be like, look, you guys clearly see things differently. You guys are clearly rubbing each other the wrong way. What are we trying to accomplish here? So I threw, I did two things with that, you

know, I threw out some understanding that wasn't pointing a finger at either person. I'm just calling out the dynamic. I'm looking to dismantle the elephant in the room. So in a follow-on, what question, which is a calibrated question, your question, if you ask them at all, probably I'd start with what or how? Because you're asking the question to create an effect. And then to get people to think. And you also got to throw in a correct tone of voice because I could say, what are we trying to accomplish here? Which is accusatory.

You know, my voice is saying like, why don't you two idiots see the damage you're creating? But instead, I go, what are we, what are we trying to accomplish here? You know, it's curious. It's trying to get people without feeling accused to take a look at their original reason for being in the original reason for being part of the group. And give them the opportunity to decide whether or not they want to stick to that original reason, which is again, that the autonomy thing that you were talking about earlier, which people will die to preserve their autonomy. People will walk away, people will tank deals, there's all sorts

of things that to other people that they do that it's clearly damaging to them, short term and long term, just to preserve their autonomy. And that's specifically to preserve the ability to say no, right? So why is that so powerful? Why do people like to have the choice to say no? What's the psychology behind that?

Again, I believe it's an autonomy issue. One of the books that inspired me early on when I first started realizing a hostage negotiation applied to business, was a book called Start With No, Written Back in 2002 by a guy named Jim Camp. And he was a salesman. He had backgrounds in both a military and in sports coaching.

But he's working on a salesman. And he called it the right to veto. And his approach on start with no was in a sales process. He would say, look, I want you to know, you could say no to me at any time, any moment in time. It's okay to say no, I will go away. I'm not trying to get you to say yes without you understanding that you could say no at any moment.

Cultivate the right to veto. And just preserving that right suddenly, he made more sales, suddenly, he made more deals. He made more agreements. He made more than anybody else did. And that's where, you know, Jim said people will. He made more agreements. He made more than anybody else did. And that's where Jim said people will die to preserve their autonomy. And I'm just a hostage to go shoot.

I'm like, yeah, no kidding. We got people shooting themselves all the time just to avoid surrendering to the police. So this autonomy thing and a right to say no, the feeling that it's okay to say no, goes an awful long way in making people feel that you're not trying to bamboozle. Yeah. So, for me, one of the least intuitive things about everything that you teach is the fact

that we're not trying to get people to say yes. We're trying to get people to say no because of this thing we just talked about, that people love to have the choice to say no and of this thing we just talked about that people love to have the choice to say no and it makes them feel in control, right? So, so talk to us about how we can ask questions in a way where people will start with no and then agree with us and get to the yes, but they always start with saying no and then get to the yes. So how do we ask questions like that? Yeah, well most of them it's simple, but it's hard because it's so against our wiry like I never say heavy Got a few minutes to talk. I say it's now bad time to talk

I never say do you agree? I say do you disagree? I? Never say is this something that would work for you? I'd say, is this a ridiculous idea? Are you against? I mean, the transformation from yesterday was actually really simple once it doesn't scare the hell out of you. But so many people, the first time out, are so afraid. Because you're taught that yes is success. Which if you believe that,

it makes no by definition failure. People are horrified of the word. Once you can cross that bridge, the rest of it is so easy. Why do you think people will tend to agree with you more and you'll get what you want when they actually say no first? Well, people are conditioned from the age of two that when they say no, it makes them feel

safe and protected. And it's when an adult says to a child, when a child does something wrong, no. So what does a child learn from that? Saying no is what adults do. Adults jobs to say no. I once, and I gave it as a guy who was a lieutenant on NYPD. He once told me a lieutenant's job was to say no. I didn't even care what the question was. He felt like he was doing his job when he said no.

So it makes no sense, but people condition themselves over and over and over, like Pavlov's dog from a famous psychological experiment. When I say no, I feel safe and in control. So get somebody to say no, because what the real issue is you need to know what comes after the word, either yes or no. If I get you to say yes,

you're gonna be reluctant to say anything else because you're gonna feel like you're digging yourself into a hole. If I say, which is, do you agree, you might wanna say yes, but here are the props. If I say, do you disagree? You're gonna be like, no, but I can't agree unless you fix these following

problems. Now I've got to path forward. The really what I need to know is I need you thinking, laying out problems for me and when you're feeling safe and secure, you can do that. Is there any other ways that we can practice this? Because I feel like this one gem is so powerful if people just learned how to use it. Well, you know, and to get used to it and just change from, have you got a few minutes to talk to is now bad time to talk,

like in all your conversations. It's small stakes practice for high stakes results. So in a little bit, little bit of conversations, we're trying to get us on a regular basis, just practice, get no instead instead and gain a feel and Watch to see over and over again the different kind of reaction. At its core, tactical empathy is re-iterating things that you know to be true.

You also want to make sure that people have the opportunity to preserve their autonomy by making it clear that they are in control of their role in the situation. their autonomy by making it clear that they are in control of their role in the situation. Giving people the option to continue a conversation topic is one way to show that you're respectful of their boundaries. And also, give people the right to say no. Saying yes is far more limiting than saying no. So if you frame your questions for people to say no instead of yes, you're going to give them the opportunity to be more open and honest. Like I mentioned earlier, the golden rule and negotiation is to make people feel seen and understood. If I could coin a second golden rule and negotiation, I think it would be to always think of a way to free statements that gives people an opportunity to open up instead of close up. And you should

approach accusations in the same way. Rather than providing direct answers or accusations, set up these statements in a way that will let the other person guide the conversation and the amount of information they decide to share. Next, Chris gives us the rundown on how to do an accusation audit. As whole, accusations audit is doing an audit, if you will. is doing an audit, if you will, of all the negative things you other say might think about you. Now, what do you think about them? But what they might think about you.

And it's really starts with, you know, what's all the stuff that you're worried that you need to deny? Like, I don't want you to think I'm greedy. I don't want you to think I'm not less than. I don't want you to think I'm disrespectful. If you're in sales, every salesperson knows that there are enough, not your fault, but there are enough slimy salespeople out there, that sales has got a negative connotation

to the word. You know, the car salesman, use car salesman. Everybody in sales understands it. So you might want to say, I don't want you to think I'm just another salesman, use car salesman. Everybody in sales understands it. So you might wanna say, I don't want you to think I'm just another salesman, slick salesman. Whatever you might want to deny, you simply take the denial out and list that stuff out and put it at it as you may think.

You probably think is even stronger. I'm sure you probably think that since I'm in sales, I'm another fast talk in a hustling salesperson doesn't care about you. It just wants to push you into a deal. I'm sure this is gonna sound disrespectful. I'm sure this is gonna sound like I don't understand. You're probably gonna think this makes me look greedy.

Empathy again, I'd you decide might see things, but just list and stuff out in advance and using it to dismantle the elephant room, go to keep the elephant from getting built in the first place. That's the thing that most people are most afraid of, is they think you're gonna speak a negativity into existence by calling it out. What's that stupid movie candy man? You say candy man five times boom, the boogie man is there.

What really happens is it creates this inoculating effect, so much so that if you don't have a negative thought in your head, but I know you're going to react negatively to what I'm going to say. I will say this kind of sound harsh. And then I'll let you a watchy to watch you brace yourself. And you're going to give me some sort of a physical signal, if not verbal, to go ahead. give me some sort of a physical signal, if not verbal, to go ahead. And this is actually now we realize is grounded in neuroscience because an emotional pain, and a physical pain is almost exactly the same thing.

And neuroscience is found that if I warn you pain is coming, there's going to be a window that you need to brace yourself. Like if I have to find the doctor and I'm going to put a needle, I'm going to say this is going to hurt. Somewhere between three and twenty seconds is probably the window. I need to watch you and you're going to go like, all right, give it to me. And bang, whatever that is. So if I say effectively, it's going to sound harsh, which is what I have to say is going to hurt, I'll let you brace yourself and you will appreciate the warning. And it will hurt

less every time. Another way to improve the chances of having a mature, grounded conversation is by paying close attention to body language. In Chris' master class on body language, he talks about the 738-55 role. Let's listen to Chris explain that role and why nonverbal communication is much more important than we often realize. Well, basically, if you add those numbers up, you get 100. And the 38 stands for ton of voice and the 55 stands for body language,

which is kind of 93% of your communication is not the words. And as a lot of people that, know they want to argue whether those numbers are accurate, they get crazy over it. And that they're really the most important issues to regardless of how strong I think those numbers are. Ton of voice and body language is a lot more important than words. I can say to you, wow, that was a smart remark. That's an insult. But if I would say to you, wow, that was a smart remark.

That's a compliment. I didn't change a word. If that doesn't illustrate to you the difference in tonal voice, I don't change a single word and the meaning changes 180 degrees. So what about body language? Our director of business development is a young lady named David Johnson and she's just naturally an encouraging person and she's she's told me we were talking about this the other day. She knows if she's talking to somebody she tilts her head to the side and puts her eyebrows up like she's really interested like she's shocked at what people will share with her Like she's shocked at what people will share with her.

And she'll just go, really? And they will start laying out stuff to her of the struggles that they're dealing with and how much our help as a business could be for them. And she's almost the same. She didn't even ask a question. She just goes, really? And body language can be so encouraging. Even at the ask a question, she just goes, really? And body language can be so encouraging if you let it be, or conversely, it'll shut people

down if you don't watch it. So it can be an enormously encouraging, enormously powerful thing to use in conjunction with your intent. I said there were two things about the 738-55. The real issue is when body language and tone of voice do not match up with the words. That's when you know you got a problem. It doesn't matter what the ratio is. It's when those things are not lining up, then you realize that what they're saying and what they're feeling at two different things and then you dig into it. So could you give us an example of a common example of when people's what they say doesn't

much their body language? I'm trying to get an agreement from you and you go, okay, a lot of people would say, oh, they said, okay, we're good. But the way I said it, there's a lot of stuff crossed my mind. There's a lot of things that I'm worried about. If I go, okay. You think that deal is going through without a hitch. You are in for a rude surprise.

How do you deal with that? You just say some of simple as what we call a labor, and you go like, I would just say okay, but it seemed like a lot of things crossed your mind when you did. That's what it would get some, it makes them feel safe sharing the things that went through their mind. So that would be an example of how their words would not match up with their tongue.

Really since the first time that we talked, we used labels a lot more than questions to get information out of people. Now, you know, instead of saying like, what's on your mind today? I may say, seems like there's stuff on your mind today. Now, the second way is most likely to get a lot more really good information out of you than the first one. Or what's stopping for you guys from going through with this deal would switch to

same as like there's something stopping you guys from going through with this deal. At second one, that label is gonna get a lot more information. Do you understand why just that small shift would change the way somebody reacts to it? Like what's the reasoning behind that? I think principally, Danny Connellman, who wrote the book, Thinking Fast and Slow, talked about slow in-depth thinking

and fast reactionary thinking. And a what question will trigger you into slow in-depth thinking, which means you're going to think a lot about the question, which means the answer is going to be guarded and filtered. And depending upon how much mental energy you have, you may just stop thinking about it because there's too much work. So questions cause those sorts of reactions. We're seeing on a regular basis, if I just go seems like,

for whatever reason, I know it'll trigger your unbornish thoughts to come out much more readily. So much so that we had a client say, labels unlock the floodgates of truth talk. Because people got so much more candid and just, you know, think about what they're saying. They just start sharing them. We'll be right back after a quick break from our sponsors.

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and body language. Because if you're sending mixed messages even unintentionally, that can put people on edge. And we want to aim for fast reactionary thinking because it tends to be more honest. Like we've heard throughout this episode, the secret to gaining the upper hand in a negotiation is to give the other side the illusion of control. In the past, when I imagined a successful negotiator, I'd picture this dominating presence of an overpowering person who's using better arguments and reasoning than their counterpart. But my first interview with Chris Voss, four years ago, really opened my eyes because I realized the whole secret to negotiation is to actually make the other person feel

in control. So they tell you as much information as possible, and you're able to say as least information as possible. Let's hear a few last tips from Chris on how we can do that. The one and how questions, you know, in a black swan method we we call calibrated questions. People love to be asked what to do. People love to be asked how to do something. You give them the illusion of control when you ask those questions. Negotiations are not about control. To guide someone, what in crisis intervention is called guided discovery. That's not control. Let's give them the other side a lot of latitude. But you kind of frame things with a what or our question.

And the other side doesn't feel framed. They feel they were just asked what to do or how to do it. I mean, they feel in control. So it's given the other side the illusion of control. It's usually through a what or our question. Could you give us an example? Well, you know, the famous, how am I supposed to do that as a way to say no? The other side doesn't feel attacked. What it really is

is, if you can't do something because the implementation is really difficult, you say, how am I supposed to do that? Or you might say three times, how am I supposed to do that? Or you might say three times. How am I supposed to do that? Or you might say the third time. How am I supposed to do that? Each one of those questions makes the other side think about the complexity of the problems, but they don't know that you made them think about it. They feel in control.

They feel like you're asking for help. And that's the way you get it started. So yeah, fam, always remember, don't try to force your opponent to admit that you're right. Ask calibrated questions instead that begin with how or what, so your opponent can use mental energy to figure out the answer. Well, that concludes this episode of YAPSNACS. Every time Chris Voss comes on the show, I'm totally blown away.

Too many people are ignoring the multi-dimensional nature of communication. It's not just about what you say or even how you say it. There's so many factors that play into negotiation. Chris's human behavior hacks teaches how to take hold of several aspects of an interaction in order to gain the outcome of we want. By adjusting our body language, using tactical empathy and framing information and accusations in a specific way, we can help control the outcome of any situation. We covered a lot of ground and negotiation in this YAPSNAC series and employing all of these tactics right away may seem like a daunting task.

So I advise that you start small. Pick one or two tactics that really stood out during these episodes and then use them in your everyday interactions. See how your conversations and your everyday negotiations start to lean in your favor. If you want to take a deep dive into the exciting world of human behavior and negotiations, you can check out some of my full interviews with Chris Voss. He came on episode number 23, as well as number 144. I also got a webbee honoree from my live podcast with Chris Voss and Alex Carter.

That was called Negotiate Like A Boss. You guys can scroll back in the archives and take a listen to those episodes if you really want to get even deeper into this topic. And also, if you love human behavior and negotiation, we have playlists on these specific topics. I've interviewed dozens of experts in this field, all the top experts in human behavior have literally been on YAP, like Robert Green, Dr. Jack Schaefer, Katie Milkman. So if you want to get playlists on human behavior and topics like this, go to Spotify, go to YouTube and you can find our human behavior playlist there.

Thanks so much for listening to this week's YAHPSNacks on the best of content with Chris Voss. I hope you guys learned some actionable tips that you'll use ASAP. And if you enjoyed this episode and if you learned something new, I would love if you drop us a five star review on your favorite podcast platform. You guys can find me on Instagram and TikTok at YappwithHalla. You can find me on LinkedIn if you search for my name and we're also on YouTube. So if you like to watch your podcasts, I highly recommend our YouTube channel. We've been doing a great job. Our videos are really nicely produced and there's a great community on there and you guys can

chat with each other in the comments. I think it's a really fun way to listen to the episodes or watch them, I should say. Well anyways, big thanks to my Yap team. This is your host, Halataha, signing off. Are you looking for ways to be happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative? I'm Gretchen Ruben, the number one best-selling author of the Happiness Project. And every week, we share ideas and practical solutions on the Happier with Gretchen Ruben podcast. My co-host and Happiness Guinea Pig is my sister Elizabeth Kraft. That's me, Elizabeth Kraft, a TV writer and producer in Hollywood. Join us as we explore fresh insights from cutting-edge science, ancient wisdom, pop culture, and our own experiences about cultivating

happiness and good habits. Every week we offer a try this at home tip you can use to boost your happiness without spending a lot of time energy or money. Suggestions such as follow the one-minute rule. Choose a one-word theme for the year or design your summer. We also feature segments like know yourself better where we discuss questions like are you an over buyer or an under buyer? Morning person or night person, abundance lever or simplicity lever? And every episode includes a happiness hack, a quick, easy shortcut to more happiness. Listen and follow the podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin.

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