Your Favorite Thing with Wells & Brandi - Brandi's Least Favorite Thing

Episode Date: February 22, 2018

This week on YFT, Wells and Brandi talk about Instagram's change in its algorithm, why girls get legs bruises all the time, why Wells will never wear sandals with jeans again, and how to poop in the woods. Also, Wells reads Rap lyrics out loud and proves that he is in fact the whitest guy ever. Enjoy!

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Wait, my headphones are on. So plug them in. Why don't you have this prepared for me? Oh my god. Can you hear yourself? No. What about now? Is that better? Hello? No. Can't hear anything. Yeah. Something's messed up. Maybe it's the adapter. Okay, hold on.

Hmm. Hello? I can hear myself now. You did it? Yeah. I'm a golden god. I fixed it. Pinky adapter. What are you annoyed about? A lot did it? Yeah. I'm a golden god. I fixed it. Pinky adapter. What are you annoyed about? A lot, actually. Yeah. I feel like today's episode should be called Your Not Favorite Thing. Okay.

We can do that. Fun favorite thing. Your not favorite thing. My least favorite thing. Least favorite thing. Thank you. There we go. Yeah. But I'm not trying to be a downer, so... What's your main gripe with the world right now? You really want to know?

It's really shallow and really stupid, and I actually feel like a terrible human being for even caring. I really want to know now. That is a big setup. Literally on my way here, because I thought about it way too much. I'm over here, I'm like, am I going to talk about this and be that person? But this is what this podcast is for. It's for honesty, people.

Yeah. Okay. What is it? So you know how like Instagram has like changed their algorithm a few times? Okay, yeah. You know where I'm going with this, don't you? I don't. I have my own gripes right now about some things, but I'll let you continue.

So like everyone started complaining about this algorithm change a long time ago, and I know they've changed it a couple of times. Continue. So, like, everyone started complaining about this algorithm change a long time ago, and I know they've changed it a couple of times. Yeah. The big change was, like, changing it from chronological to, like, it's different now. It's based on, like, whoever's posts get the most engagement end up at the top now. So, like, people are frustrated because sometimes they don't even see the people they really want to see's posts, like, all that, right? Yeah. So, when that happened and, like, everybody was complaining, like, I didn't really notice that from my page like i didn't see any changes from mine so i was like everyone's like

being really dramatic about it and then out of nowhere last week when i was in new york like i haven't done anything different i've continued to deliver diamond status content and like i've done nothing different that is my favorite quote of the episode. Diamond status content. Diamond status. Like, I will not post anything except diamond status content. And I, all of a sudden, went from getting, like, 22,000 likes a photo to, like, 3,000 or 4,000. Oh, really?

And it, like, when it was just, like, one or two posts, I was like, whatever. I'm, like, promoting a hotel that's giving me a deal. Like, people are probably like, meh, she's promoting. But then I kept posting diamond status content that wasn't promoting anything and my usual stuff, and I still am getting maybe 4,000 likes a photo, and I'm sad about it.

Well, I think people can't relate to the numbers that you're talking about, but they can relate to the concept of what you're saying. Because if you post a picture you think is great, and you get 73 likes, and you normally get 150 likes, you're like, what the heck just happened here? Exactly. You're like, am I ugly now? Did I do something wrong? Did I piss someone off? What did I do?

And I am sad. I'm really sad about it. And I never thought I cared that much about Instagram, but clearly I do. My brother, we were super drunk one night a couple months back at my house. And it was something, he said something to me and it kind of stung. It hurt really bad. Let's hear it. He said to me, and I love my brother, and he's just a smart guy. And he said, is it tiring living for likes, dude?

Yeah. And I was like. That's how I feel right now. Yeah, I know. And I was like, whoa. That's a messed up thing. To say slash be true. But it's totally true. It's totally true. Well, and see, for me, and I don't think a lot of people realize

this that don't work in this industry. I think people... I don't know if people really understand like my career whatever like it's always been music like it was fashion for a second it still kind of is but like my career right now is djing okay it's like what i do it's like my occupation that's how i pay my bills and time make money and unfortunately because i dj in the entertainment like in this entertainment industry in this world like instagram numbers depend on who books me and how many times i get booked how much money i make when i get booked like my career is tied

to my instagram whether i like it or not and it's not just promoting makeup and like fun stuff like that it's like my career also you know what i mean i get it i mean it's a weird thing now where you not only are the talent but you're also the advertiser. Right. Because you can create your own buzz. It's such a weird thing. It used to be that there was a band, and then the band had a promoter, and the promoter bought ads on a radio station, and the radio station promoted the band coming to town.

Now, if you're a band that's got, okay, your sister, I don't know how many freaking million followers she's got. She has like 75 million. 75 million. So she comes know how many freaking million followers she's got. I just looked. She has like 75 million. 75 million. So she comes to town. She just says she's coming to town. Yeah, that's her promo.

That's all the advertising that they needed to do. Totally. So it's crazy. It's really wild. And so for me, it's frustrating. I'm like, well, as much as I would like to think people are going to book me because I'm a good DJ, that's like unfortunately not the case. So I've just been a little down lately, you know, and like part of me wants to be like, I quit Instagram. I give up.

I quit. Yeah. I don't know. I will say it's kind of weird, though, because it's like all like the funny meme things are like popping way high up on my feed. Yeah. Which I'm fine with. And they're funny, but like, I don't know. Like, I want to see like what my friends are doing.

That's what Instagram's for. to see like what my friends are doing that's that's what instagram's for and um it's funny because like i've had a couple of people that a couple of them that you know work like for either one of my sisters like on their social media teams and like try to give me advice about it and they're like you know like post funny memes because like those do really well and i'm like listen i like a funny meme but that's not that's not my brand and that's not i've never like i've never done that before i feel like that's a little try too hard hard for me. And my biggest thing is, like, I don't like coming off as something inauthentic. Like, if I don't feel like it's me, like, I don't want to do it. You know what I mean?

So, I don't know. I'm not desperate enough that I'm willing to, like, post stuff that I don't like. But it definitely is a downer. I think I'm about to quit Snapchat. Because they screwed you over, right? With your drunk Snapchat. I don't know if they screwed me over. Yeah, they did.

So, they've made it so it's hard for people to watch my drunk Snapchat. Because they don't go in order anymore, right? With your drunk Snapchat. I don't know if they screwed me over. Yeah, they did. They made it so it's hard for people to watch my drunk Snapchat. Because they don't go in order anymore, right? Exactly. And it's hard to find people. Luckily enough, the last one I did, Snapchat put me in the main board or whatever so people could find it. But it was lame and it was like

I just moved it on over to Instagram and it got more. People liked it better that over there anyways. Yeah. It's just unfortunate because I named it drunk Snapchat. Right. Well, technically, yeah. Man.

I guess I could still call it drunk Snapchat. You should still call it that. And just do it on Instagram. You should. I don't know. Because it's been that. You can't like do a name change this far into it. Yeah.

I don't know. I have been slowly like giving less and less of fucks about Snapchat. And then this was kind of like the- The final nail. And you know how Snapchat sends you messages like, hey- Yeah, it's annoying. I'm like, don't do that. Well, so I responded finally being like, your update sucks balls, guys.

No. Did someone respond to you? No. Of course not. But I screen grabbed it, so I was going to tweet it out later. Oh my God. Yeah, I've been dumb with Snapchat for a while. Why do that when you can just throw it on your Instagram story?

Yeah, I know. Do you want to start the show? Yeah, like, this is a pointless conversation. I feel dumb for even talking about it. Bros and hoes, you're listening to

your favorite thing podcast with... Wells and Brandy. My bell sounds better. I don't... It was just really high pitched. Shrill.

Very shrill. That's the word. It's got like an echo in it that's very odd. Yeah. Thanks for letting me pick first. Shrill. Very shrill. That's the word. It's got like an echo in it that's very odd. Yeah. Thanks for letting me pick first. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. About girls?

Yeah. What if girls always have bruises on their legs? What's happening? Well. What are you guys doing? Are you sure you didn't create the bruise? No. Ah!

I'm not like, I don't know, like doing like karate with my girlfriend and stuff. No, but like if you guys are like hooking up and you're like grabbing her know, like doing karate with my girlfriend and stuff. No, but if you guys are hooking up and you're grabbing her legs, that tends to create bruises. I'm not grabbing legs. I feel like you probably are and you just don't realize it. I don't think so. Yeah, that's a pretty common thing. Okay, let's just take me out of this, alright? No, but for real.

Girls always have bruises on their legs. That's not true. Yes, let's look at your legs right now. I think mine are actually pretty good right now, which is stronger. I bruise easy. You know what I'm talking about, though. Don't play dumb here. I do, but I also like the highest reason for bruises on your legs is from hooking up and guys grabbing your legs.

That's like a thing. Really? Yes. I'm not grabbing legs. You are. I'm grabbing like butts. And you grab legs. You just don't realize it. I don't think I do. If you're'm grabbing, like, butts. And you grab legs. You just don't realize it.

I don't think I do! You're not throwing Sarah around, then you're doing something wrong. I mean, okay, but I'm not, like, vice gripping down on her thighs. But, like, some girls bruise easy. I do. All girls bruise easy. That's not true. Yes, it is!

Easier than guys, maybe. I'm just amazed. I look at my legs, and they're like, there's no bruises. And then I see a girl and it's just like, oh my God, it's like you've just been attacked by the freaking karate kid. I mean, I don't know. I bruise easy. I get them right below my knees a lot.

I'm probably running into things. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I have no answer for you except for the one you don't like. But here's the thing. I don't think her ass is bruised ever, and that's the one thing I'm grabbing.

But it's harder to bruise that, I think. Yeah? Yeah. By the way, you're a big equestrian. Mm-hmm. Went horseback riding last weekend. I saw that. In a leather jacket.

I know. It's not a motorcycle. I know, but did you hear my joke about it, though? No. I was like, you guys ever worn a leather jacket on a horse before? This dog gets one horsepower. Wait, you said that in a leather jacket on a horse before? This hog gets one horsepower. Wait, you said that in the Snapchat? Or in the story?

Sarah was like filming me, and I was like, I get one horsepower on this hog, like it was a motorcycle. Oh, that's funny, because I didn't have the volume on when I watched yours. It's funny why you laugh. Because when I watched it, I didn't have the volume on. I was like somewhere where I couldn't have volume up, but I responded to that story and said, get yourself a denim jacket, try to horse it. And then you saw what I responded with, which was the last time I was-

Last time I had it on. I had it on. I just didn't bring it this time. The reason why I didn't was because when I looked at the weather in Ojai this past weekend, it was like 85 degrees. And there was this weird cold snap that happened, and so I brought a jacket. Oh. I don't know.

I don't know. Leather seems odd. It's very city of you, the leather jacket, to I brought a jacket. Oh. I don't know. I don't know. Like, just leather seems odd to, like, it's very, like, city of you, the leather jacket, to, like, be on a horse, you know? Can I just get back to, like, what I was going to say? Sure. Other than you, like, just, like, ripping into my outfit. But that's what people want to hear.

I know. Oh, speaking of. No, hold on. You know what I'm about to say. Two words, flip-flops, but continue the first story. Yeah, okay, yeah, we are going to get into that. Yeah, we are. But also, you know what? Fucking horseback riding hurts my ass.

I have two. I have no ass. I have a bony ass because I'm just, it feels like. You do no squats, that's why. No, but it's like right on my ass bone. Zero squats. I do zero squats, that's true. But I run a lot.

Anyways, my ass is bruised. Yeah? How long did you guys ride, do you know? About an hour. That's it? Yeah. And your ass is that bruised? Dude, I know.

That's insane. I ride two horses a day almost every day. All right. You don't need to brag. Okay? But you, like, stand up. You know, you're like... Not really.

I just freaking sat on that thing and was just like, just go. Yeah. You know the trail, hop along. All right, quick PSA for those of you out there who rent. If you haven't heard of Bilt, you're about to thank me. Earning points on rent is now a reality when you pay your rent through Bilt. You don't even have to check with your landlord to start earning points that you can use towards flights, hotel stays, fitness classes, and even your next rent payment. All right, let me break it down for you.

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All right, guys, a lot has changed over the last years. And if you're growing your e-commerce business, yeah, you can relate. Whether you're looking for better efficiency during the hectic holiday season or your business has outgrown your old shipping solutions, you need ShipStation to help you scale your business. ShipStation helps you achieve exceptional shipping efficiency with a robust all-in-one fulfillment system that integrates with over 180 of the most popular e-commerce platforms, marketplaces, and carriers. Listen,

the holiday season is right around the corner. Odds are that you guys are probably selling stuff on e-commerce. If you're shipping, you got to do it with ShipStation. Lead your business into the future with technology built to save you time, extra costs, and headaches. It's the fastest, most affordable way to ship products to your customers with discounts up to 89% off UPS, DHL, Express, and USPS rates. What, you don't want to save money? Come on. Deliver a better customer experience with the industry-leading features that help you find the best carrier rates, print labels, and make customer service a breeze, dude.

Scale your e-commerce business with shipping software that delivers. Switch to ShipStation today. Go to ShipStation.com and use code your favorite thing to sign up for your free 60-day trial that's even more savings that's shipstation.com code your favorite thing do it i think sitting in a western saddle is much more uncomfortable than an english saddle oh i don't know what the hell you're talking about okay your saddle has like the horn in the front that you could or could not hold on to if you needed to. It's a Western saddle.

Mine's an English saddle, so it doesn't have that. It's much smaller. But people like the Western saddle because it's bigger. I guess the English saddle, like you almost feel like you're not sitting on anything because it's so small. But to me, it's more padded. And to me, it's like built for somebody to sit in. And like it's almost like a glove. Like it fits like a glove when you sit onto it.

With a Western saddle, it's just like you're sitting on this big piece of leather. Got it. It's not comfy to me. Interesting. No one cares. No one cares. Great. The flip-flops.

Can we talk about it? Okay. I had so many people tweet me and say, please give Wells shit for the flip-flops. Real quick, let's just set the table for everybody. Wells posted some paparazzi photos of himself and Sarah, which he tends to do a lot, which I don't really understand. I think that shit's fucking funny. Oh my gosh. It's like free content for you.

Yeah, it's like- Free, high quality content. Exactly. Diamond status content. Yeah, you're right. You're not wrong. It's diamond status. It's always just funny because I have no idea that those people are there.

I have zero idea. Yeah, isn't that great? And they're following her around, and I always look like such a dipshit. So I posted this picture. We were going to the market to get stuff for taco night. It's very Wells and Sarah of you. It's just very awesome of us. Anyways, so there's these pictures of us walking into the grocery store, and I'm wearing jeans and T-shirt and flip-flops.

And I posted the picture, and I got roasted for wearing flip-flops. I don't—I get—what? First of all— This is my favorite thing that's happened in a long time. I didn't know that that was a thing, that people aren't into that. Listen, all I know is a lot of guys wear flip flops. With jeans? Exactly! I do too! I think there is something about them that disgusts me. Really?

Like when I see a dude in flip flops, it is the biggest turn off, I think, period that you could ever do. It is disgusting to me. I don't know why. I hate flip flops. I don't even like girls in flip flops. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out. T.O. What about when you're at the beach? I wear like a van and then take it off when I get to the sand.

No. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah. I don't like that. Or slides. That's what I wear is slides. So slides have become a huge trend in the past few years. It's so much better than a flip flop.

It's cuter. It's more comfortable. Like an Adidas slide. That's what you need. No. Yes. I'm sorry, but those are hor- No, they're so cute.

If I see a girl in those, I'm like, oh, when's basketball practice starting up? You know Urban Outfitters sells out of them every season because they're so trendy right now. That might be true. Flip-flops are so gross. So are mustaches in East Nashville. That doesn't mean they're fucking awesome. It means they're still creepy, but they're popular. Oh my God.

You can't compare Adidas slides. Okay. Yes, I can. You cannot. Okay, the flip-flops are like the thing between your toes. That is not comfortable. I'm sorry, it's not. I like it.

No, you do not like it. And if you do, something is wrong with you. No, there's millions of people have been wearing flip-flops. I didn't zoom in. Jesus Christ wore flip-flops. Prove it. Prove it. If it's good enough for our Lord and Savior, it's good enough for me, gosh dang it.

I guarantee you he wore a slide. I guarantee you. I guarantee you. Yes, I can just picture it now like a woven slide that someone made, handmade. I guarantee you it was not a flip flop. I just love the idea of the day that you die and you are welcomed by Jesus at the pearly gate. You're going to be like, I just have to know. I have to know.

I don't give two flying fucks about the meaning of life. I just need to know. Flip flops are slides, you know? That is the dumbest thing ever. Anyways, but I'm sorry. No, slides are cuter and the flip flops aren't comfy. Okay, I didn't zoom in on you, but the worst, dudes seem to really like

leather flip-flops. No, okay. Which really, it's so disturbing. Mine were like the, I think the Brazilian, like the Havana. Is that what it is? Yeah, those are like the leather flip-flops. No, they're not leather. They're freaking rubber. Ugh. Oh, and you're talking about. It's so fratty. That's so fratty

of you to wear a flip-flop. Okay, but let me just defend myself first and foremost. Okay, you're talking about, I just, it's so fratty. That's so fratty of you to wear a flip-flop. Okay, but let me just defend myself first and foremost. Okay, you're right. I need to think about if I'm going to leave the house, someone might take my freaking picture. I don't think that way. Well, now you do. I realize that now. Can I just be honest with you about how the whole thing went down?

Yeah. It was, I want some motherfucking tacos tonight. And she was like, I want you to cook them. And I'm like, let's go right now. And it was like, the first thing I down. Yeah. It was, I want some motherfucking tacos tonight. And she was like, I want you to cook them. And I'm like, let's go right now. And it was like, the first thing I found, flip flops, boom, let's roll. You just can't even own them. You know, it's like. No.

It's like Uggs. It's like Uggs. It's like so tempting to just throw on Uggs, but then you go out and you get paparazzi in them and then like you are labeled as an Uggware. You want to hear a gross story about Uggs from my father? I don't know if I do. I like Uggs. Yeah. Yeah. My father gross story about Uggs from my father? I don't know if I do. I like Uggs. Yeah.

Yeah. My father is an OBGYN, right? Oh, yeah. Gynecologist. You know, it always happens that someone asks him, like, what's the grossest thing about your job? Because there's a lot of gross things about his job. It has to be.

You know? Yeah. And he was like, to be honest with you, one of the grossest things about my job is Uggs. And we were like, Uggs? Really? And he's like, you don't understand. Those girls come in there, and they're wearing Uggs with no socks on. Oh no, and then they're right in his face.

And they put their feet in the stirrups and their stinky feet are right in my face and I want to throw up. Oh my gosh. Isn't that funny? It's not like your vagina that's the problem. That is disgusting to think about actually. I know. Anyways, let's make a deal, okay? Oh, fine.

I won't wear flip-flops with jeans anymore. No. Okay? Like, honestly, the only time you should ever wear them is, like, at the beach or the pool. Okay. And even then, I'm like, get a slide. I'm sorry. Slides. I'm gonna buy you slides. I don't. No, I have slides. Oh. Okay. I still have them from when I

played soccer in college. Great. That's great news. No, I think they look so lame. No, okay, buy a designer slide then. It has nothing to. I think they look so lame. Buy a designer slide then. It has nothing to do with the brand. It just reminds me of a bunch of girls going to go play softball and they haven't put their cleats on yet. That's not kind of hot?

Why not? I hate flip-flops. We're making a deal here. I'm not getting rid of flip-flops. I will never go into the slide unless I'm off-flops. Anyways, okay, we're making a deal here. I'm not getting rid of flip-flops. Ugh. All right? And I will never go into the slide unless I'm off to indoor soccer, okay? Oh, my God. But I won't wear them with jeans anymore. Never.

And I'm sorry. I didn't know that that was not a cool thing. It is not cool. I didn't know that. It's repulsive. I feel like we should call Sarah and ask her if she's pissed off about that. You should do that for sure. Because I noticed that she did not repost that picture or whatever.

No. My dad wears flip-flops with jeans, and it's, like, repulsive. Motherfucking Billy Ray in the house. No, it's so bad. Yeah! It's not a good look. I got Billy Ray Cyrus on my side. No.

That's all I need to know. Do you really want him on your side? Yes. Have you seen him lately? He tends to, like, dress homeless. 99% of the time. Your father is a national treasure.

What? Can I say that? You can say whatever you want about your father. I love him to death. But his style is not... We should call my mom and ask her, actually. Tonight's Valentine's Day. The whole day was Valentine's Day. What did you do today?

I worked. I already did my Valentine's Day thing. Are you doing like Galentine's Day. That's true. What did you do today? I worked. Oh. I already did my Valentine's Day thing. Are you doing, like, Galentine's Day? No. You're not doing that shit? No. I wasn't going to do anything at all, but my friend Ryan, it's his birthday this weekend, but he's going to Cuba randomly with his friend Alex, so we're celebrating his birthday tonight.

But my friend Adam planned it and then, like, put us on a group text, and I was like, I'm down to do dinner, y'all, but you've got to make a reservation because it's Valentine's Day, you know? Oh, yeah. And Ryan was like, oh. I didn't realize it was Valentine's Day, but somehow they got a reservation, so we're doing a birthday dinner on Valentine's Day. Oh, cute.

Me and Ryan and Adam. Me and my two not-boyfriends. Have you been on any dates recently? No. What's going on here? I'm busy. No. Yeah.

Yes, I am. I mean, yes, you are, but like. Yeah, I'm busy. What do we got to do? Because we started this podcast off with me trying to get a date with your friend. Oh, yeah, Liz. Oh, she texted me today. That was so nice of her.

To say what? Shout out to Liz. Just like, hey, thinking of you, miss you, love you. She's so nice. She's like the best. Also, she's best friends, I think, with little Becca from The Bachelor. Stop it. Like, how small is this world?

What were we talking? Oh, Liz and how nice she is. No, we're not. Oh, me going on dates. Yeah, what's going on here? I don't know, man. Is there anyone that you like that you want me to set you up with? No. No? No. Why not? I just don't. Alright. Like, can you think of anybody? Because I can't. You know Olivia's like in New Zealand, like, wifed up. Really? Yeah,? I just don't. All right. Like, can you think of anybody?

Because I can't. You know, Olivia is, like, in New Zealand, like, wifed up. Really? Yeah. I'm mad about it. Olivia Caridi? Yeah. She's got a boyfriend?

Well, maybe now. Okay, when they left, no. So it's this guy she, like, knew in high school and always thought he was hot. And, like, fast forward to now, he's in school at Vanderbilt and slid into her DM and was, like, hey, I saw you live in Nashville. Let's meet up. They went out to dinner one time. She said it was awful and awkward and she regretted going because she felt so stupid. And then the next day he was like, hey, come to New Zealand with me.

What? Yeah. And she flies for free. So she went to New Zealand. I love the fact that she was like, ugh, I'm over this guy. Terrible. And then someone invites you to New Zealand. It's like, okay.

Why not? Well, she was over it because she was really into it and didn't feel like the date went well. Yeah. But then, I guess, like, whatever. I told her, I was like, you can't expect a dude you haven't seen since high school to, like, push you against a car and, like, have sex with you, like, day one. You know what I mean?

Like, he's probably feeling, like, a little weird, too. And, of course, the next day, he was like, hey, I loved dinner, but I'm, like, going to New Zealand. I'd love to see you again. Like, come to New Zealand.. I'm going to New Zealand. I'd love to see you again. Come to New Zealand. Why is he going to New Zealand? Because he's going to med school, and his life's going to be over. Or residency.

And his life's going to be over. So he's traveling up until literally the day he goes to residency. So he is going to Australia, New Zealand, and South Korea. And then, I guess, that would be the only time for them to hang. So he was like, you should come. Oh, that's cute. So she's there, and she's loving it. And I'm just here. I'm sorry. You're only time for them to hang. So he was like, you should come. Oh, that's cute. So she's there and she's like loving it. And I'm just here.

I'm sorry. You're all alone. It's okay. Hey, you know what I was thinking would be a really funny idea? What? You know how they have GoFundMe? Oh, here we go. Yeah.

Yes, I know about GoFundMe. Crowdsourced it. You've heard of it. Yeah. Oh, boy. So this all came about. I was talking to my friend Nick. He was like making fun of me

About like Hey you looking You shopping for rings yet? Like that kind of thing Oh like I did to you on the way in? Exactly And I was like I was like

Yeah about that Gonna need to borrow some money And so he was like Well you might want to start A ho fund me page And he meant to say Go fund me But he wrote ho fund me

And that's really funny. What if there was a fun page that you would ask for money to take girls on dates? Yeah. You know? I think that's a good idea, actually. HoFundMe. I like it. Yeah, you into that one?

Yeah. All right, cool. Is that really how you're going to get a ring? No. Maybe you can get one for an Instagram post, you know? Is that the most unromantic motherfucking thing in the world? See, that's the thing that I found. I want to utilize all the-

Oh, you've already thought about it. No, no, no. Not rings, but for everything. Oh, yeah. For everything- Well, that one date that you did it for. But it didn't seem to pay off. Yeah.

I know. Yeah. So that one time we went to Catalina Islands, I felt bad because I totally worked that around. And then afterwards, I was like- Listen, a poor guy's got to do what a poor guy's got to do. I felt bad because I totally worked that around. A poor guy's gotta do what a poor guy's gotta do. I know. Man. Also, I think that I wonder if Sarah thinks that because

she's dating someone from The Bachelor that all the dates are like Bachelor dates. Helicopter to Catalina, horseback riding in Ojai. Have you guys been on a normal date or have they all been extravagant? Well, I mean, I don't know. They've all been pretty normal. We were gonna uh skydiving but we ended up not you ever been skydiving no i can't do that i'm scared of heights you should do it no i went parasailing in

switzerland and i was terrified to even do that and then if you're a parasail do you know how it works yeah so you know you run right and then like you run with this guy like strapped to your back and you're like in the harness and then you're supposed to just float off into the air. Yeah, no. We ran and face-planted and didn't take off the first time. And I can't even believe I tried it again. I was in tears, so terrified. You're crying? Yes.

Are you kidding me? Oh, man. And that's not a good self-esteem thing for a girl that now you think you're too heavy for the parasail? Well, I was just like, this is a sign. This is a sign. I shouldn't do this. I'm going to die. But I was like, God, I like you're too heavy for the parasail. Well, I was just like, this is a sign. This is a sign. I shouldn't do this. I'm going to die. But I was like, God, I'm all the way up this mountain.

I'm like, I'm strapped in. Like, I guess I got to try it again. And so we tried it again and like almost didn't take off again. It was terrifying. I'm never doing it again. It was not a good experience. I've done it like where there was like a ultralight, like a little tiny little plane with a motor on it, like drug you up into the sky and And you got high enough that you didn't let go.

And then you floated down. That sounds very scary. Yeah. It was okay. Oh, yeah. The whole like skydiving, like falling through the air thing is like not bad. Skydiving is pretty badass. I would say that like-

You're talking about hang gliding right now, by the way. No, I'm not. Yeah, you are. Nope. Oh, parasailings with the parachute. Mm-hmm. Yeah, okay. My brother went hang gliding right now, by the way. No, I'm not. Yeah, you are. Nope. Oh, parasailings with the parachute. Mm-hmm. Yeah, okay. My brother went hang gliding.

So I went hang gliding. I've done parasailing behind a boat. I've done that, too. That's way safer. I'm stupid, though. Still scary, but at least you're corded in, you know what I mean? It's not scary. And it's not as scary to think about, even though you'd still die, somehow it's not as

scary to think about landing in water as splatting on land, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I finished Dark Matter, the book you recommended. It's so good. Someone tweeted me and was like, I read it. It's the best book ever. You're the best for recommending it. Pretty good.

I need some new book recs. The ending is a little crazy. It's been so long since I've read it, I can't remember. But don't give it away for our listeners. I loved it so much. I like need it to be a series. I'm surprised it's not like a Netflix thing already. Well, so I've said this before.

The guy that wrote it, he wrote Wayward Pines, which was turned into an FX series. Oh. I watched it. First season's great. Then it gets bad. So something tells me, because he's already had that made, that this one will probably get made into something. I'm so bummed.

Why? I went out to LA and I auditioned for a show that's perfect for me. You did? I didn't get it. Welcome to my life. Remember that Beat Shazam thing? No. Yes.

What? I auditioned to be the DJ on Beat Shazam. Oh. And I didn't get it, and I was really sad. I was auditioning to be the host of it, and it's like me and like three comedians, and we drink shots or drinks, and we get progressively drunk and

I ask them questions and then we riff back and forth. That's the show. Was it like a network show? E. I thought I killed the audition. I don't know if I killed it, but I did good enough. I'm sitting there thinking, why wouldn't I get this gig? I'm the bartender on the freaking TV show.

I'm known for drunk Snapchat. I'm a radio host. I can talk to anybody if you want me to. You can read a teleprompter. This is perfect. Give it to some girl, some comedian chick. No way. A girl beat you?

That's pretty cool. I know. But you know what? It didn't happen, so it's not supposed to happen. Better things are ahead or whatever. Or that one's like, yeah. I don't know, man. I'm like a cat.

I have been landing on my feet. I am very lucky. What do you yeah. I don't know, man. I have, I'm like a cat. I have been landing on my feet. I am very lucky. What do you mean? I don't know. Everything's like works out. So confused right now. You didn't get the show. You're really upset about it.

But like everything like works out. I think that I think that everything works out because my mentality is always like it works out. It'll be fine. Same. And then I'll forget this thing, you know? Whatever. You're right.

Like things work out. And when you don't get stuff, you know? Whatever. You're right. Like, things work out. And when you don't get stuff, it's like something better comes along, I guess. Do you remember when you wanted me to be the fucking Bachelor? I still want that. I know. Except I don't because, like, Sarah's cute. Well, that's the thing. Like, think about it in those terms.

I know. You're right. By the way, the Bachelor. I don't know what to think. How are they going to bounce back? I don't know. Did you watch Winter Games? Yes

I watched a little bit of it And I was like Eh okay Well yeah The first half The first 30 minutes Was the intro packages So I was like

Kind of bored Cause it's like The ones that are American Like I know So I like don't need to see Their intro package right And then the ones that are foreign I don't know

And they won't put subtitles up So I can't understand A word they're saying Yeah Which is annoying Like where are the subtitles? I don't know Also why'd they send Eric up so I can't understand a word they're saying. Yeah. Which is annoying. Like, where are the subtitles? I don't know. Also, why they sent Eric home.

He's like the most normal person there. I didn't even get to that part. So sad. Okay, this whole voting people off thing, whose dumb idea was this? Like, give me a rose ceremony. Give me a classic rose ceremony. And also, okay, I have a lot to say about Winter Games. Good, let's get into it.

So we're going to dive into it. I didn't even watch. I watched the first 10 minutes of it and I was like, they're going to be so mad at me saying this, but it's true. I was just like, eh, I don't really care. I've seen this show before. Ashley cries.

Ben cries. Cool. Yeah, so I was excited about it because I do know so many people on it now that I was like, oh, it's going to be fun to watch some of my friends on TV. So that part's kind of fun.

But then in the first episode, the whole like competition thing was a complete joke they didn't even show really the girls competing probably because it was so pathetic yeah i'm guessing that they didn't even show it but it was strange but the way it worked is like whoever won the men's competition and then whoever won the women's competition got a date card right and got to ask somebody on a date and up until then like right off the bat people started pairing up and like making out with each other yeah and you could tell whoever you know, you know, the producers were giving them, like, mega incentives to, like, kiss each other and, like, get together right away. To be honest, it's...

Why do you say that? I didn't watch it, so I don't know. Because I've just never seen on, like, a Bachelor series, like, even Paradise, like, people don't start that crap, like, right away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People get to know each other a little first. This was, like, right off the bat. It felt, like, very MTV-ish to me. Yeah. Very real world. Okay, okay. So that was the vibe

I got too. I was like, this is totally real world. Yeah, it felt like the real world. Too many people in one house. That's like a lot of people in one house. But so everyone was just like kind of making out, like right off the bat and I was kind of like, hmm, whatever. But for as many people that paired up right away, like I would have liked to have seen a rose ceremony. I feel like that would have

made sense. But instead, they tell them all like, you guys are going to vote off the people you don't think deserve to be here. Okay, well, that's not cool, because they've been there, like, ten hours. Like, how do they know who's really there for the right reason? You know what I mean? And, like, how do... And at this point, is anyone there for the right reasons? No, no one's

there for the right reason. But also, I'm just sad because I really like Eric, and Eric's one of the ones I got voted off. But it was interesting because Eric and Jamie got voted off Jamie didn't speak at all Jamie got no camera time did not speak who's Jamie yeah exactly like nobody knows who he is he was from I think from Rachel's season all right anyway he like didn't get any camera time and then and Eric too was very quiet never on camera which means he just was like had it pulled together like wasn't being dramatic. Supposedly the guys sent them home, but I think that's so messed up and weird.

I don't know. I wonder if this thing will last. Well, it's only four episodes, right? Oh, it is? Yeah. I don't think they'll ever do it again. It's a ratings play for ABC, right? Like they're trying to figure some way to grab ratings back from the Olympics.

Because everyone is- Dude, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Like ABC got fucked last night because... Oh, because of Sean White's whole deal. Yes! Sean White did the most amazing thing ever, and I was like, I watched this, dude! I know. I mean, honestly, I was switching back and forth between the basketball game. The Cavs were playing

Thunder, too, so it was a lot going on. Cavs won! 1-12. Team now, new team after the trade! Let's just go ahead and, like, Isaiah Thomas is in LA, so happy he's no longer playing with LeBron. Kyrie Irving no longer having to play with LeBron. Kyrie's the best thing that ever happened to him. Let's just say what everyone's thinking.

LeBron's a dick, right? I don't think that. I think LeBron's a fucking dick. I like LeBron James. I like him too, but he's a dick. Is he? Everyone that leaves there is like, thank God I'm not playing with that guy anymore. But a lot of the guys on the Cavs do like playing with him. Because he? Everyone that leaves there is like, thank God I'm not playing with that guy anymore. But like a lot of the guys

on the Cavs do like playing with him. Because he is LeBron James. Yeah, exactly. Listen, he is not a bigger dick than every single person that plays for the freaking Golden State Warriors. They're such jerks. You're telling me that sweet little Steph Curry. Don't you? He is not sweet.

What? He has the smuggest look on his face when he plays basketball. It is repulsive. Yeah, because he's fucking amazing. So is LeBron. So why can't LeBron be kind of smug? He's not, though. And he's media trained so well.

He speaks so well. Listen, I know LeBron has listened to the show, but he should because he learned a couple things. Oh my gosh. All right? But you know what LeBron needs to do? He needs to shave the head. All right?

No one's buying this. You might be right about that. But LeBron is the king and that's just all there is to it. I think he is the king. But I think he's a dick. Yes, he's a dick. I think he was frustrated with what's going on in Cleveland and he did

whatever he did, he did the right thing. Now they're winning and they're doing great. You think he's going to go to LA? No. I wouldn't be surprised. Actually, he won't because Isaiah Thomas is there. Yeah. I don't know that he'll stay in Cleveland, but I don't know that he's going to go to LA. Anyways. We got distracted.

Bachelor of Winter Games. I don't know. You don't think they'll do it again? No. I definitely don't think they'll do another Winter Games. They might try a different Bachelor spin-off, but not that. I have two more comments to make about it. Okay.

Perfect. The Japanese girl. It has nothing to do with the fact that she's Japanese. Because she's cute as can be. And she honestly looks like a little Instagram star. But she screeches. Did you hear it? No.

I feel bad for her because she speaks a different language than everyone else there. Can you imagine being the only English speaking person in a group that large? Staying in a house. That would suck. So she's actually handling it pretty well. The screeching has to stop. Yeah. I can't handle it.

She'll speak a little bit. She'll say a few words, and then, I don't know, she'll just be like, and it's like, okay, you've got to stop. Yeah, I feel like, is she like a stereotype of an anime show?

It's not, but no, it's not even that. It's like a screeching squeal, very high pitched. It's really tough to listen to. I will say this, though. She's hot. It's like a screeching squeal, very high-pitched. It's really tough to listen to. I will say this, though. She's hot. She's cute. Hot little Asian number.

Is she hot? I think she's cute. She looks like a doll. Yeah, okay. Yeah, exactly. There's got to be some guy there that's got an Asian thing. Oh, for sure there is. And he's just like, I don't give two flying fucks if I can't understand her.

But even if somebody was that super hot to you, would you be able to deal with the squealing? No. It's really tough to listen to. Yeah. Really tough. I don't know. Claire's like loving her life because she has two guys supposedly all over her. Even though I wouldn't use the words all over her.

She thinks these two dudes are like fighting for her. I want to meet her so badly. She loves it. I want to meet her so badly because she seems super delusional. Yeah. I just love that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She's on one. She loves it. So badly. She loves it. I want to meet her so badly because she seems super delusional. Yeah. I just love that. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

She's on one. She loves Winter Games. Luke's killing it. That doesn't surprise me. I think he's like the star of the whole show, to be honest with you. What about Dean? I bet you Dean's doing well. Oh, Dean and Leslie.

Everyone saw this coming, though. Dean and Leslie like wifed up like right away. Is she the one that had a mastectomy? Yes. She has a great travel blog. Does she? I'm a big fan, yeah. She's cute.

She is cute. And Ben, what's going on with Ben? Ben didn't get a ton of camera time. It was very sad. In the intros, the only thing they did was show his proposal with Lauren. I know. And it was very sad. And then I saw him crying.

Yeah, but I think that was like a flash forward. I don't think that was in the ep. His shining moment was like letting Ashley cry on his shoulder. That was pretty cute. Yeah. He's taking some notes from me. Probably. You know, he's like, hmm, everyone seemed shoulder. That was pretty cute. Yeah, he's taking some notes from me. Probably. You know, he's like, hmm, everyone seemed to like it

when Wells went and helped Christina out. That's exactly what's happening. My biggest question is, why are these two sports reporters that no one that is watching this show knows at all because people that watch The Bachelor aren't watching sports and not you and me? Hannah Storm, people know who Hannah Storm is. Not on my Twitter. Everyone's like, who is this girl? And why sports and not you and me. Hannah Storm, people know who Hannah Storm is. Not on my Twitter.

Everyone's like, who is this girl? And why is it not you and Wells? Yeah, I know. I saw that because the people that watch The Bachelor for the most part don't watch ESPN, so they don't know. That's what I'm saying. They don't know. I mean, I know who she is. Do you want me to break it down for you? Really, though? I know who she is. I'm just saying the demographic that

watches The Bachelor doesn't care about these sports reporters. I offered to bartend there. I said I'd make a mean hot toddy. And by mean hot toddy, I mean I can pour whiskey and coffee and give it to you. It's tea, but good try. I'm a hot toddy connoisseur. But think about it in terms of how the Disney brand works. Disney?

Disney owns ABC. Disney also owns ESPN. I know. Wow, that's weird that someone from ESPN is on Now the Bachelor. Oh, I remember from my season, Jordan Rodgers now works for ESPN. Oh, shocker. Weird. Isn't that funny?

No, you're right. But we would have been better, you know what I'm saying? Totally. So that's my two cents on Winter Games. Whatever. I'm going to give it another shot. Well, I'd like to, but I won't be here next week. No, you won't. I'll be with Dean and Ben. How convenient. Oh. I'm going to give it another shot. Well, I'd like to, but I won't be here next week. No, you won't.

I'll be with Dean and Ben. How convenient. Oh, Dean is going? I thought you said Dean wasn't going down to Honduras. Dean is on the roommate assignment list,

so I'm assuming he's going. Give me some of those popcorns. The Skinny Pop? Wells is reaching for the Skinny Pop. Hashtag not sponsored. Skinny Pop. It is good.

Wow. Could you be any louder? I don't understand. Oh my gosh. Do you know what my least favorite thing in the world? Is it about airplanes? No. Oh. When I go to the movies.

Did you get a boner on your last flight? The whole world's wondering. Did you? I went and did a bathroom selfie and then everybody responded with, this is weird because I know you have a boner from the podcast. So now the airplane bathroom selfie is now officially dead. It's retired. And I killed it.

Yep, you did. With my boner problem. Yeah, you did? Yes, I did get a boner. On the flight out, I didn't. Oh. But on the flight back, death. No.

Death. Do you drink on flights? Sometimes. I wonder if that has anything to do with it. I think it's morning wood. You know about morning wood? You always fly in the morning? Yeah. You do drink on flights? Sometimes. I wonder if that has anything to do with it. I think it's morning wood. You know about morning wood? You always fly in the morning? Yeah.

You do? Pretty much, yeah. I was on a 5 a.m. LA flight to here. Huge boner. I wonder if you drink if you're less likely to get it. I don't know. Try it. I don't know if girls understand how many boners guys get on the reg, though.

Don't they say every six seconds or something? We don't get boners every six seconds. That's how often guys supposedly think about sex though. It's like a statistic. Yeah, I don't know if that's true. Might be true when you're like 13. Sex every six seconds? There's a song about it by O-Town. Oh my god. Is there? Yeah.

Hey, how do you feel about like putting a segment in this podcast where we read rap lyrics? Okay. Because I think it's pretty insane what actually rappers say. I don't think anyone really pays attention to what the lyrics are, but they're pretty insane. Okay, let's do it right now. Migos has this new song.

What's the song called? I'll get the lyrics. I'll read it because I've never even heard it. I don't even know what you're talking about. It's called Too Much Jewelry. It's my new favorite song, actually. I've listened to it eight million times. It's so bad that it's just good.

You know, it's like so bad you can't not listen. Okay, you want me to read the lyrics? Yeah. The first word, I'm not sure of what it is. You can say. You don't have to say the curse words. Zaytoven. What up, Zay?

Trap Holly, Zay. Silent since the first day. Allow me to lead the way. I just spent a cool half a ticket on my jewelry. Trap hollies, eh? Silent since the first day. Allow me to lead the way. I just spent a cool half a ticket on my jewelry. Clear white diamonds make your eyesight blurry. Excuse me, I have too much jewelry. Skirt, skirt.

Skirt, skirt. Never too much. Never too much. So much. I just crashed out on my neck. That's a house. Cashed out. Oh, yeah. I just cashed out on my neck. That's a house. Cashed out. Oh, yeah. I just cashed out on my neck. That's a house.

Head out. Fuck a spouse. We pop off. We ain't hearing it. So much ice. Young N-word. He delirious. Never too much jewelry. I'm serious. Quarter ticket. Half a ticket. Once I get it, spin it.

Quarter ticket. I I get it, spin it. Quarter ticket. I'm a walking chicken. Brr. Quarter ticket. Half a ticket. That's not my gimmick. No. Money coming in.

They think we the ones that print it. Nah. F'n real? Why F'n real? Why didn't you say fucking real? And that probably rhymed better. We the ones that print it. We the ones that print it. We the ones that trend it.

It's slight a few, ain't many. It started from the beginning back then. They say money making them envy. My diamonds drawing attention. And they wet like Willie. Splash. Pocket cheesecake Philly. Bitch bad and she ain't with it bitch

I won't give her a penny nah trying to go piccadilly where rose gold sky dweller oh what a beautiful feeling alright whatever my favorite line is I just cashed out on my neck that's a house

it kills me Zaytoven what up Zay Cashed out on my neck, that's a house. It kills me. Zay Tovin. What up, Zay? Also, the way he sings, like, never too much jewelry. I'm serious. It's, like, insane. And also, there's, like, a lot of auto-tune.

Like, what's this dude's name that, like, made auto-tune a thing? Bon Iver? No, like, the rapper. T-Pain. It's very T-Pain. I just, like, reading the rap lyrics is just, like,otune a thing. Bon Iver? No, like the rapper. T-Pain. It's very T-Pain. I just like reading the rap lyrics is just like such a good thing. I like that song. I love that song.

Yes. What's up, Zay? Hey. Trap holiday. Silence since the first day. Allow me to lead the way. I'm gonna need this kick in. Yeah, come on. What's this?

There's like a really great auto-tune moment in the bridge, too. I just spent a cool half a ticket on my jury. Make your eyesight blur. Excuse me, I haven't too much to worry. Never too much, never too much. It's my favorite. God, we interviewed them.

Oh my gosh, I forgot about that, but I always think about it at the same time. They brought a puppy, which was cute. And they didn't speak to us at all. No. Barely. We didn't want to do that interview because we were terrified of them. Yeah. So what are some of your favorite things?

That song. Yeah. That's a good one. Remember your coworker that told the horrible dating? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How is she? Oh! I've had some people ask.

Okay. Like tweet and be like, how is Andy? She started dating some other guy. No. This is really funny. We should bring her back in. We should. So she started dating this other guy. Okay. Like tweet and be like, how is Andy? She started dating some other guy. No. This is really funny. We should bring her back in. We should. So she started dating this other guy.

Okay. And she comes in and she's like, Wells, I got a new boyfriend. Look what he gave me. New Apple Watch. And I was like, how long have you been dating this guy? And she was like, a week. And I was like, this guy got you an Apple Watch for a week? So then I was like, 100 bucks, it's over by the end of the month.

And she was like, no, Wells, I'm serious. This is the one. Did she give you any details about the guy? I think we looked him up on Instagram and I was like, oh, he looks good looking. I don't know, whatever. I don't even remember. Anyway, so then a week goes by and she texts me

and she goes, I owe you a hundred bucks. And I was like, for what? I had totally forgotten about it. They broke up. Why? I don't know. She was like, I'm keeping watch though. Can we bring her in to like tell some new stories?

Yeah. People really liked her. That story was crazy. It was a great story, but like, not great, but like, great story, you know? You know what I really don't like

when you're on flights and someone behind you kicks your seat? No. When you're like, when you're like, exiting the plane, tries to like,

Oh, like go in front of you? Yeah. Yeah. Hello, etiquette. Yeah, I'm sorry, like, there are rules.

This is not NOM. This happened to me on my last flight. Yeah, and you're like, no, buddy, you're back there. Yeah, that's how it works. How this works is I get out before your fucking me on my last flight. Yeah, and you're like, no, buddy, you're back there. Yeah, that's how it works. How this works is I get out before your fucking ass, and then we go.

Yeah. There's so much about flying. Oh, man. There's so much etiquette that people don't adhere by, and I can't. I can't either, man. That's a big one for sure. I hate TSA, too. I hate them.

Do you have pre-check? No, I'm going tomorrow to get pre-check. Why do you not have pre-check yet? Olivia and I discussed this. If you, because Olivia doesn't have it, and? No, I'm going tomorrow to get pre-check. Why do you not have pre-check yet? Olivia and I discussed this. If you, because Olivia doesn't have it, and I just cruise through security and have to wait on her, and it's awful. If you fly more than once a month, you should have pre-check. Like, you're doing it wrong if you don't. I'm going

tomorrow. It's a game changer. Do I get it immediately? I think so. Okay, because I'm going tomorrow. Going tomorrow, and then I'm flying on Friday. You don't get it immediately. They send it in the mail. It's like a card? Not one you have to keep with you. They just give you a number.

Oh. That you have to plug in when you check in. Oh, really? Uh-huh. Interesting. It is a game changer. To not have to take off your shoes, not take your laptop out, and it's just so much faster. You just cruise through.

You don't take off your shoes? No. Your liquids can stay in as long as they're under the four ounces or whatever. Can I just tell you what I love? One of my favorite things right now. Yeah? Sarah's mom tweeting to me like on the reg. No.

Has she always been on Twitter? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. That's amazing. Wait, have your guys' parents met each other? No. Terrified.

When is that going to happen? My parents are conservative and her parents are liberal and it's just going to be a freaking nightmare. Nightmare. Can I like come watch? I think like the world needs to watch. Can we videotape it? We need to like live stream this thing. Yeah.

I don't know. My mom will be great. I'm a little worried about my father. Are you? My father can be super charming, but he also can be a jerk sometimes, you know? Or just like be like opinionated when you don't need to be opinionated. Or like, say things. Like, my dad's a dick to waiters all the time. No!

Yeah, and I've had to tell him, buddy, as a person who used to wait tables, you have no idea how much saliva you've had to eat, you've eaten. And just by proxy of me being at this table with your dick ass is maybe getting spit in my food.

So I need you to be nice, buddy. All right. What kind of restaurant did you work in? I worked at Brick Tops. It was like a fine dining establishment. Yeah, I worked at J. Alexander's. It's kind of similar. I was the worst waiter ever.

Really? I was great. I was great at talking to the tables. Oh, see, that's the only part I wasn't good at. Oh. I was amazing. I was so efficient. Like, incredibly efficient. I was amazing. I was so efficient. Like, incredibly efficient.

I was amazing at chit-chatting with people. I was horrible at knowing the menu. What do you mean? Haven't I told you this story about how I'd make up things? Because I just didn't want to learn it? That's insane. People were like, what's the Hannah Ranch ribeye? And I was like, it's a ribeye from Hannah Ranch, which is right down the street.

And they were like, really? They're like, what kind of flavors? I'm like, Asian flavors. Stop it. And they're like, what? They're like, what kind of flavors? I'm like, Asian flavors. Stop it. And they're like, what are Asian flavors? Like, I don't know. You're like soy sauce and pineapple. Why didn't you just say like, I don't know?

You can't say that. One day. Did someone ever say like, this is not at all what you described? My manager once was like, you know, like sometimes you get short staffed and like the manager has to wait tables. Yeah. And we were like both taking an order. Or no, I think it was like a big party. It was a big party. So like we were like both taking an order or no I think it was

like a big party it was a big party so like we were tag teaming it and he overhears me and he pulls me aside and he's like you just said that

there was all this stuff on that none of that's true and I'm like oh I was like yeah I know I just make it up I just hope for the best

no I was the worst and he didn't fire you no they loved me come on everyone loves me but I was terrible at that and you know what I fucking hate god dang I hate it so much the worst The worst. And he didn't fire you? No. They loved me. Come on, everyone loves me.

But I was terrible at that. You know what I fucking hate? God dang, I hate it so much. The worst. Oh my God. I never hated anything more than side work. Oh, side work. Side work was the bane of my existence. Side work was pretty terrible.

Oh, you got to put all the freaking sugar packets in a perfect row. And then roll the silverware. Roll the silverware up, clean the table, and then you have like some jackass other waiter that is like, that's not perfect. And you're like, dude, come on. Did you ever have to clean the restrooms? Yes. Same. Oh, I hated side work.

The worst. You're right, it was bad. I loved taste plate. I probably gained like 30,000 pounds. Is that when you get together before the shift and like taste everything? Yeah, that's the best. Yeah, I like that too. That's pretty good. I liked working at a restaurant. I did too. I would say that everyone should work at a restaurant in their life.

It'll teach you a lot of things. Efficiency is something that is hard to learn but you learn really quickly in a restaurant because if you don't you'll get fired because you have to do like six different steps right? And if you don't, you'll get fired because you have to do like six different steps, right? And if you don't do them in the correct order, then you're slowing your ass down.

So like you're leaving the kitchen, but you got to get your soda first, right? Then you got to pick up a couple of plates, but you got to go to the place where the soda needs to be dropped off so you can have the other hand to drop the plate off. You know, like those things you got to think about, like, okay, I have a section 42. Did you learn how to like carry three drinks in each hand? Triple carry? Oh, I am the master drop the plate off. You know, like those things you gotta think about. Did you learn how to carry three drinks in each hand? Triple carry? Oh! I'm the master of the triple carry. Oh, you are? Because I'm pretty good at it too. Really? Yeah.

Chefs are assholes. I loved the chef at J's. He loved me. Maybe not the main chef, but like The head chef was always pretty nice. Yeah. There's like another chef who's like, alright buddy, let's relax, alright? You're cooking, okay? Let's just pump the brakes a little bit. Okay? You're cooking, okay? Let's just pump the brakes a little bit. Okay?

You're deep frying french fries. Wasn't life just so much easier back when we were waiting tables? No, I hated it. Oh. I hated waiting tables. I just thought life was easier then. I had to go take Carl to the vet today to get his bordetella shot, you know? Oh.

He does not like the vet. Really? I had to put him in a muzzle. No. Straight up. Why? Because he fucking gets fierce. No way. Swear to God. he does not at the vet we have to put him in a muzzle no straight up why because he fucking gets fierce

no way swear to god at the vet yeah why I don't know did he have a bad experience he just remembers

that they took his balls and like he has not been okay ever since no so I walk in and there's a beautiful dog I don't know what kind of dog

he was and there's two nurses or two vets one's holding the dog and the other one know what kind of dog he was. And there's two nurses or two vets. One's holding the dog and the other one has got her fingers straight up this dog's ass. No. You know, like expressing its glands or whatever. And so I walk in and the mom of the dog is kind of standing over watching and talking to them and asking questions about how many times she should be expressing his glands, yada, yada, yada.

And I'm sitting there watching and I start, because the dog's face is like, you know, he's got two fingers straight up his asshole, and people are watching him, and he's just like, what the fuck, what has life come to, you know? And so I finally blurted out, I bet he didn't think this was going to be his Valentine's Day present. No! is going to be his Valentine's Day present. No!

And the woman sharply whips back and is like, yeah, without some creepy guy watching him. And I was like, whoa! That's incredible. So I was like, let me go sit down now. She had something up her ass too, so I was like, jeez. She needs to get her glands expressed.

Literally. What are you doing this weekend? Nothing. Nothing? What are you doing? I'm going to go to LA. You are? Yeah.

You've got to be kidding me. This will be my last time out there. You were just there. I know. Wells. That's psycho. Is it? Yeah.

It's more of like a foresight thing though. What's that mean? Is it psycho? Am I coming across like weird? To Sarah? Yeah. Did she ask you to come? Yeah.

I guess not. Anyways. You know what one of my new favorite songs is? What? Noah's new song. Oh, what is it? It's called We Are F-U-C-K-E-D.

I feel like it's going to be like your anthem, Wells. Oh, a little vinyl. V vinyl pop in there right then hit update i like feel like i'm 15 when I listen to this, you know? Thank God it's the weekend. My squad. Got time to get wasted. No, no.

Should we drive to the sunset or the fire? It's like we live in a bubble pretending it's because we are young. We are five. Yeah! Whoa! These days we're feeling hollow. is because we are young. We are fun. Yeah. Whoa. These days we're feeling hollow. If they're the only matter. You like?

I mean, I love it, but it's a stupid idea in terms of radio airplay. Well, but she doesn't actually say it until the very end of the song. It ends on we are, and she says it. But it actually says we are, phuh.

Oh. Yeah, the edited version does. Alright, I like it. Thanks. I mean, when that beat drops, mm-hmm, it's a bop. It's a bop. It's a bop. Does she have a boyfriend? Yeah. You like him? They're like really serious. Um, yeah, he's okay. Oh, good.

She's really young. I just can't. How old is he? He's 21, and Noah is 18. So it's like the age difference isn't a lot. It's just like they're just so young. Like, they're cute, but, like, they're really serious. And I'm like, y'all need to just, like, chill, you know? Yeah. But he's sweet.

He's a sweet kid. He plays music, too, so they, like, have that in common. He's very cute. Like, she did well. He's, like, very good looking. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Noah's cute. I'm not here for that. She is. She's working. She did well. He's very good looking. Yeah. Well, Noah's cute. I'm here for that. She's working.

She's really been looking good. Miley's Converse stuff's about to come out. What is that? It looks pretty cool. She has a whole capsule collection for Converse and everything's glitter, everything. No, it's so cute. I'm so excited about it. Glitter is like

herpes for makeup It gets fucking everywhere This glitter doesn't come off But it's cute because it's like the chucks Like the normal chucks and like really cute like early colors But then the soles are like Stacks that are glitter soles Kind of like my Vans that I wore to iHeart

Yeah yeah yeah So it's like that kind of glitter but it's just the soles of it And then she has like the single stacks and the double platform stacks. They're really cute. Can I get some of this swag? Only if you'll actually wear them. I will.

There's clothes too, like sweatpants. I want some Miley Cyrus Chuck Taylors. Okay, I'll get you some. That's what I want. Okay, done deal. All right, good. Super easy. I'm like kind of nervous about Honduras.

You should. You're going to shit your brains out. No, I'm not. Has Ben ever told you about his whole experience on The Bachelor? Yeah, but do you know why? It's because he refuses to take malaria medication before he goes. He won't get any shots at all. He does not do it right.

Why? I don't know. Is it like a religious thing? I don't know. What a weirdo. But I'm kind of scared because I haven't been to the doctor since I was 20. And I went two days ago. It was like the soonest I could go.

Soonest I could get in. Soonest I could like be here and go. And I was like, all right, I'm going to go get my shots. I was supposed to have like typhoid and like hepatitis B. And so I go to my doctor and he's like, yeah. He was like, you're just to get these like 30 days before you leave. And I was like, well, like better late than never, right? And he was like, yeah, no. He was like, it's not going to do anything for you now. I was like, well, better late than never, right? And he was like, yeah, no.

He was like, it's not going to do anything for you now. I was like, oh, great. He was like, but you probably won't get those things. But I literally couldn't get the shots because he said it wouldn't help. I know. There's no point in getting them. So the only thing I can do is take the malaria medication, which I am going to take. How long are you gone for?

A week. Oh, that's all. But yeah, I'm just scared about like, there's no running water thing. So, like, how do you go to the bathroom? Like, where do you... Dig a hole. Dig a cat hole. Like, you know...

Have you ever crapped in nature? When I was really young, probably, when I just, like, played outside all day, maybe. But I don't know. You've never been, like, camping where you had to, like, go dig a cat hole? I don't think I've ever had to go number two while camping. Really? Yeah. I think I've only done, like, the whole, like, one night outside thing. I will say this. And I've ever had to go number two while camping. Really? Yeah. I've only done the whole one night outside thing.

I will say this. And I've never had to go number two. There's something quite liberating, literally and figuratively, about shooting in the woods. I don't know. It sounds messy. It's not really. You've got to think. That's how we were built to do it.

You find yourself a tree. That's what you do. You find yourself a tree. Squat down. This is why Squatty Pie is so popular, because it's mimicking what you do. You lean back on the tree. That's what you do. Find yourself a tree. Squat down. This is why squatty pie is so popular because it's like mimicking what you do. You lay back on the tree. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. Or you find a log

on the ground and then you put the edge of your butt on the log. No. Yeah. Oh my gosh. And you bring a shovel and then once you're done you... I don't think we're like in the woods though you know. I don't know. I'm just telling you about how to shit in the woods. Well I know that like in the hotels and stuff like there's toilets but you just can't you can't flush the toilet paper so we were told to bring ziploc bags to put the toilet paper in but that sounds so gross like the fact that i have to keep up with like used toilet paper well i don't know

i just have some concerns i'm concerned about like i'm probably not gonna eat the whole time i'm there because i'm scared of like getting food poisoning you You should stay hydrated, but how do you? Because like the water's not clean most places and that's how you can get sick. Do you have a water filter? No, I should. I should have bought one today. Go to REI. Get that done.

They got one now called the straw. Yeah. Straight up. How much are those things? I don't know. You just put it in the water and you start drinking it. I should definitely. Water filter.

I forgot about that. That was the one thing I forgot to get today. Yeah. I bought like 100 DEET bug spray, which scares me. I'm like, something tells me like the 100% DEET in there is just not as good for me as like Zika virus. I mean, you want all the DEETs. Okay. New favorite thing, Altered Carbon on Netflix.

Oh, is that a show? Yeah. I need a new show. Do you like sci-fi? Yeah. Sci-fi. I do. When is the new Westworld coming out?

Not soon enough. Did I ever tell you about my Westworld experience? No. Okay, so we went to Golden Globes. It was Golden Globes, I think. Whatever. One of those parties I had to go to with Sarah. Did you meet Rachel Leigh Cook?

No. You know the Asian guy that's like, he fixes up the bodies, and he's trying to fix the bird? No, I don't remember him. And then her father. I need you to focus here. I'm listening. And then her father who like has like kind of like a meltdown. They like

decommission him. I do remember him. Yeah. So anyways, so we're in this photo booth. And they're there. And they were there. They were there in front of us. Then we took our pictures and we started talking to them and I was like, dude, I love your freaking show, man. I was like I want. You're such a fangirl. Oh, I know.

That was the only time I really. You do this to people. I think people appreciate it when you tell them that their work is good. Maybe. If I came up to you and I was like, dude, I gotta be honest with you. Like, you were hitting the ones and twos hard and I fucking loved it. It's weird. But like, I'm a bad person to ask because flattering comments make me feel embarrassed.

It was more like, I love that show. I was like, you don't understand. I love that show. It was a good you don't understand. I love that show. It was a good show. It's so, so good. And I was like, I just need Anthony Hopkins to come back. Dude, like, I need this to come back. And he was like, well, he only signed a one-year contract.

And I was like, well, let me tell you what I think. Didn't they show a promo during the Super Bowl? Because he gets killed. At the end of the whole thing, he gets killed. And so, like, the thought is that he's dead. But I had this theory that he created a robot version of him and that's who was killed not himself and he's coming back that makes sense and they were like well you know he only signed a one-year contract and i was like yeah that's what

i would do too if i didn't want people to know that i was coming back and i wanted to keep the you know keep the suspense going like if i was one of the producers that's what i would do be like we're doing one-year contracts because we don't want people to know that you're actually going. Because if you sign a two-year contract and you die the first season, what are you doing in the second season? You know? Yeah. Does that make sense? Anyways, so I had all these conspiracy theories.

And they were like, get this guy out of here. They loved me. Uh-huh. I don't know if they did or not, but I don't really care. Honestly, I do not give two flying fucks if that guy hates me or not. I want to stay in my piece, all right? And you know what is exciting for me?

That entire weekend, because we were at all these famous people and yada, yada, yada, and I really don't give two shits about it, but I was like, Westworld! I care! Fucking A!

Westworld! That's how I am. I like NBA games. Yeah. LeBron's a dick. He's not. Yeah, he is. I won't have that.

I will not have you saying those things. Listen, I am amazed at his athleticism, but he a dick. No. He a dick. He's not. Yeah. No.

You know who's a dick? Who? Draymond Green and Zazu Petulia, and they both play for the Warriors, and they're such jerks. You don't know that. I do. I watch them play, and I just- Oh my God. You're a weirdo.

I know. Okay, so, by the way, I watched a horrible movie the other night, all right? I don't know that. I do. I watch them play and I just... Oh my God. You're a weirdo. I know. Okay. So, by the way, I watched a horrible movie the other night. All right? I watched a really good movie. I'm glad you brought this up. Go. Okay.

It was Whitney Cummings had directed it and produced it and starred in it and it's like... Who's that? She's an actress and a comedian. It's called The Female Brain. Okay? You know who's in it? Blake Griffin. No.

Yes. I like Blake Griffin. Okay. So, who's in it? Blake Griffin. No. Yes. I like Blake Griffin. Okay, so I'm sorry. This movie, hot garbage. All right? And we had high hopes for this thing. Cast is great. It's not good?

Hot, hot garbage. Is Blake acting in it or is he doing a cameo? He's acting as himself. Okay, so yeah. But he is the, he, first of all, hilarious. He is funny. Have you not seen his little videos he makes? Dude, he is the funniest guy in the whole show.

Yeah. Or the whole movie. I can see that. And he's the best actor. Really? Now I want to watch it just to see. It's some bad acting. Like, James Marsden is good in it.

Oh, I like him. I do, too. He's good in it. Like, Sofia Vergara's good in it. I like him I do too He's good in it Like Sofia Vergara is good in it Oh But then Blake Griffin is kind of He's not that hot But I would date him

He's funny man I've heard He's like I'm a physical specimen Try to throw something at me I'll catch it No He like throws like jelly at him He's like

What's the premise of this film? Whitney Cummings is like a neurologist And she's doing a study about like The difference between men and women in terms of empathy and she had gotten divorced and so she's trying to turn off all her bullshit

warning signs and all this stuff that we've built up over time to protect ourselves from getting hurt and all this stuff and so it's like why people do what they do. It's like a couple different relationships.

The concept is great. The movie is terrible. Yikes. Sorry. Okay. Well, I watched a good movie. What was it? Ingrid Goes West.

Oh, okay. Not heard of it? No. It was a festival film, I think, that did really well. But Elizabeth Olsen is a star. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a huge fan of it? No. It was a festival film, I think, that did really well, but Elizabeth Olsen is a star. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Huge fan of Elizabeth Olsen. But, like, I know we've talked about Instagram a lot lately, but it's literally a scripted

movie. It's a scripted film about a girl who's an Instagram star, although they only gave her like 200 and some thousand likes. They should have given her like at least a mil. But Elizabeth Olsen is like the Instagram star, and she lives in Venice. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's really trendy. and she's like really trendy and it's like one of her

someone like comes and like stalks her well stalks her yeah steals her dog to get her to like then puts up signs like found dog because she knows the girl will call and then becomes friends with her that way

like returns her dog or whatever who's the girl? I guess she's somebody can you google it? because she is somebody pretty famous her last name's not as famous as Olsen but she's somebody. Can you Google it? Because she is somebody pretty famous. Her last name's not as famous as Olsen, but she's pretty well known. Anyway, it's really, really good.

Oh, Aubrey Plaza. Yes, thank you. It's really great. It's very relevant. It's very parallel. It's so funny because the night that Sarah and I watched the female brain, we watched that. And the one thing she said, she was like, all these movies are about social media influencers and stuff.

And I was like, yeah, you're right. Let's watch this. Let's watch this other one. That was like the reason why we didn't watch it. It was good though. It's really good. She's great in it. I do like Aubrey Plaza.

Yeah, she's really good in it. You know what's so great? Still to this day. What? Parks and Rec, man. It is good. So good. It is really good.

You know what else I like a lot? Huh? How I Met Your Mother. I've never seen it. Really? good. So good. It is really good. You know what else I like a lot? Huh? How I Met Your Mother. I've never seen it. Really? Yeah. Who's in that? It's Dewey Hauser, M.D. You know? No. Yeah, you do. Uh-uh. Yeah, Dewey Hauser.

No. What's his name? I don't know. Neil Patrick Harris. Oh! He kind of bothers me. What?! Yeah. No, he's so funny. I don't think he's that funny. He's so funny. And it's so funny because he plays this total womanizing player. But he's gay in real life.

Yeah. So that's how good of an actor he is. And then who else is in it? Jason Segel. Oh, he's funny. Yeah. Anyways, I was watching the other day, and I was like, I like this show. It's so good.

I have to go to dinner. Yeah. I got to finish my show, and then I got to go to taco night. Taco night? Yeah, you're welcome to come. It's over at Barney's and JP's. Well, I have to go to this dinner, though. What time is it at?

It's at seven, so I don't know. Are you going to make it? No, not. I'll just be late to it. Guys, I'm sorry if we were downers this week, slash me. Well, this wasn't really that bad. I'm doing great. You were kind of a downer, actually.

Was I? Yeah, a little bit. I think I was feeding off your energy, bro. I that much. I'm doing great. You were kind of a downer, actually. Was I? Yeah, a little bit. I think I was feeding off your energy, bro. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know, I just can't always be bringing the positivity every minute of every day. It's a lot to ask of someone. I just ask it

when you come in this room. I'll be better next week. See you later. This podcast has been brought to you by Podcast Nation.