Your Happy Hour - Episode 10: Know Thyself

Episode Date: February 9, 2024

Happy Friday everyone!  Tune in to episode 10 and let’s chat about: Know Thyself.You can not set boundaries if you do not know yourself. Who are you in your boundary bubble?In this episode, we celebrate the month of love with how we navigate boundaries in our relationships - personally and professionally. And we were joined by our special guest, Tim Bray, an Approach Coach, who specializes in training men to overcome their fear of approach by integrating authenticity into all areas of their world so that they can get dates with extraordinary women and share a fulfilling life.We unpacked how to embrace your boundary superpower, step into the integrity of your desires, let go of approval and people pleasing and what to do with those red flags waving at you from inside. Thank you to Tim for sharing the love! You can DM him on Instagram @the_approach_coach with the word: 'Friday Feels' for a FREE strategy session! (www.theartofapproach.com)We’ll be here - every Friday - celebrating with you!Connect with us @ friday-feels.co▶ Podcast Chapters01:05 - Welcome to Tim Bray!02:24 - Boundaries are your superpower03:05 - The Art of Approach05:00 - A quick story: Bad boundaries07:15 - Finding your tribe10:12 - The problem with people pleasing15:53 - Shifting boundaries: What is yours and what is theirs?24:50 - Success is not the outcome: You gotta embrace the process!27:50 - Practical advice: The integrity of your desires30:41 - Don’t be a stranger32:16 - How about those red flags?41:22 - 10 years ago…And one year from now?43:40 - Thanks Tim for sharing the love! - Your free strategy session!44:21 - Tim’s best professional advice46:43 - Gems of the Week, Final wishes and Farewell!

Happy Friday beautiful people and hello to you all out there tuning in for your first sip of the weekend. you're tuned in to your happy hour with friday feels we're celebrating all you working professionals out here doing your crazy craft embracing the beauty of being human and connecting authentically and we're your host saj and nicole and we're living and working around the world holding space for you and keeping it raw and real as we share fresh content with you every week. Follow us on LinkedIn at Friday Feels and Instagram at These Friday Feels for updates throughout the week. In our last episode we discussed blissful boundaries and what this means to us personally and professionally and if you haven't already, check it out. And then get ready for a really exciting topic this week as we expand on what we are discussing, this theme of the month.

You cannot set and hold your boundaries if you do not know yourself. So this week we are delving in to uncover what this means. Know thyself. And with it being the month of celebrating love and relationships, we have a dear friend and fellow working professional joining us today. So welcome to Approach Coach Tim Bray, all the way from Austin, Texas on air with us to speak about boundaries in relationships and wherever they may occur. Hi, Tim, welcome to the happy hour. Thank you so much for having me. I am so, so blessed to be here with two lovely ladies on a beautiful Friday morning.

Well, we're so excited to have you and thank you for joining us. And maybe you can start off and just tell us a little bit about what you do, why this topic is important to you and just kind of what it means to you. Yeah. do why this topic is important to you and just kind of what it means to you yeah boundaries are boundaries are one of the most powerful lessons that i had to learn boundaries and boundaries are just so incredibly have so incredibly powerfully transformed my life in so many ways so yeah getting getting to learn boundaries it's not just about not not just about you know having the people in your life treating you the way that you that you really want it's also kind of a superpower really the way i think about it's very much of a defining

a definition about who you are what you stand for in the world. And from that, it feels to me that you're just really able to express yourself to a much deeper degree. So it's a super powerful tool, certainly worth looking into for both women and men in the relationships. And we teach a big part of that in our program at the art of approach. So love the topic. Tell us a little bit more about the art of approach. What is that about? So it's a, it's a, it's a three month program that basically takes people.

We're focusing on guys. Eventually we'll be working with, with women as well. But, um, basically that, that early part of, uh, the dating pipeline where you're trying to find, trying to find dates, you're trying to, trying to meet new people. And this is something that I struggled with a lot throughout my life, having the courage to go up and talk to whomever I want to talk to. And since it was such a struggle for me, and since I did have to break through a lot of barriers to get to the place where I can do it, where I feel comfortable, I felt that it was probably something that a lot of other people struggle with as well.

And surely it is. So in our program, we teach men at the moment how to be effortlessly and fearlessly able to approach any woman that they choose and how to do it the right way. So you're not coming off like a creep or you're not infringing boundaries as we talk about in this episode. So that's, that's the basic gist of it. That's awesome. So how did you get into this business? Where, where did you start? Tell us about a little bit about your journey and what brought you here? Sure. I was always fascinated with human relationships from a, from a very early age. I was bullied a lot in school. I had to, I had to really,

there's some, there's some stories as far as like having to overcome that and how to put myself into a better social circle in high school. I don't know if you want me to get into that one. It's, it's quite a dramatic story, but I think you probably do. Oh boy. Um, I think, I think there's some boundary stuff in there, but I'll try, I'll try to be quick about it. I was, so I was a sophomore. I was in, I was in a, in a group of friends that were left over some friends that were

very abusive and would like throw stuff at each other at lunch and i was sitting here with these guys and just like oh why am i even here i don't belong here i don't want to be with these type of people um and we would go and have lunch at this general cafeteria but in my high school there were two there were two cafeterias one was more for like the elite people um and the other one was just more of a general cafeteria i was in the general cafeteria and so i ended up meeting this one guy who introduced me to some people in the elite cafeteria i not i i didn't i didn't really connect with these people but he he brought me over there. And so I ended up going over there every time afterwards because I just couldn't stand being at the other cafeteria.

And I would sit at their table and I wouldn't speak a word. I was just like totally like frozen and shy the entire time. And I would go there and I would save, I would save seats for this table because the seats in the cafeteria were very limited. So I would go over there and I would like hoard the seats. And so some, so other people couldn't get them. And then all of those people from, you know, at that table would come in and I wouldn't even be able to get up and get lunch because I, I think, I think I tried to do that once and they actually gave up my chair. So it was just, I would go to lunch and I wouldn't even have lunch. I would just do it just so I

could just be at their table. Never spoke to them, really never formed relationships. But what's crazy about that is that one of their friends ended up becoming one of my best friends. This new guy that came to school, we ended up forming a band. And so it's so weird how all of that struggle and all of that effort of being uncomfortable kind of paid off to give me one of my longest friends that I've ever had. So throughout the rest of my life, I still struggled with this. I still struggled with feeling not worthy and not, not, not capable of, of really having the kind of people in my life that I wanted. It was a slow, it was a slow, uh, progression towards, towards finding my, my tribe. And the same thing, same thing with, with women throughout my twenties, I didn't really

date in my thirties. I found the gift of, I don't know if it's a gift. Uh, I found the, the, the crutch of alcohol that would help me go and go and approach women. And that worked really, really well in my thirties. Uh, I guess you could say, um, maybe, maybe partly yes partly no but um but i but i i just i i during during the pandemic i had broken up with a girlfriend and i i was having so much so much difficulty with dating apps i felt like i reverted socially during the pandemic because I was so I was so neurotic about everything during the pandemic I felt like I was I reverted so so back so socially that I couldn't even like make eye contact with people in my neighborhood when I was taking a walk and I was using dating apps and they were just not working and I was like you know what I've always been fascinated with this stuff I was

always fascinated with the pickup artist movement too even though I found a lot of it to be really cringy. And I just realized that I just had to get out there and do this for real without the help of alcohol, because I really wanted to find somebody that was a really great match for me. I just started practicing it. I actually hired some friends to help me as like wingmen, I guess you could say. And I started getting back into it. And within like the first, first couple of weeks, I ended up finding someone who was absolutely phenomenal. And we ended up, we just recently broke up, but we ended up dating for about a year. And don't regret any of it at all because she was a truly, she is a truly wonderful lady but just not for me at this particular moment. That is quite a journey you have walked and it's really one of like you say stepping into your own

worth, knowing yourself and being able to also see where you've maybe created boundaries and limits in your life you know that aren't necessarily blissful for you or like you say where you extended your bubble to create friendship groups that allowed different things into your life that were blessings so it's such an interesting journey to to to really to yourself and standing in that so yeah just kudos for walking that and being brave to put yourself out there it's always daunting i think that the i think where boundaries come in for me in that story is as i you know so much of it was me trying to get into the good favor of new people to try to fit in. And I think, you know, now that I'm coming into my own power, I'm realizing that I have to create those boundaries because, you know, it basically turned me into a people pleaser. So creating those boundaries is actually giving me more autonomy, more independence,

and really defining who I am now. And it's been a long road. Is it too long of a road? I don't know. But I think the people pleasing aspect is a big a big part that we touch on, right? And I know I've definitely experienced it. And I notice a lot of times when I have to set boundaries, it's me sitting there saying, who am I doing this for? And a lot of times it's spurred by people-pleasing, like not wanting to rock the boat, not wanting to change things up too much or walking on eggshells with family members or friends around topics that maybe I don't feel really passionate about or I do feel really passionate about, but I don't want to share it because I feel like it might ruffle some feathers. So I think that there is a big intersection with people pleasing and then holding your boundaries. But I think it's just really interesting in the story that you shared that you recognize that and you recognize that you are different from that and you are

looking for another way to kind of connect with others. Is there kind of a spillover effect from personal to professional when you're doing this coaching? Without a doubt. I mean, having the freedom to go up and approach any woman that they want opens up a lot of other doors in other parts of their lives. The ability to be clear about what you're doing at work. I mean, this is something that I had to develop in the last tech job that I had, because I recognized that I was a yes man in the job that I had before. And I just saw how, I saw what a terrible position that actually put me in at that previous job. So when I switched to the next tech job, I was a lot more clear about what I felt I could do and what I felt I couldn't do. I had to, I mean, at my last tech job,

it was a total disaster. They took, they brought me in as a director and i did i i had been at a i had been at a senior level in the job previous and that was that was too much for me and but this new job wants to bring me in a director and they're trying to convince me oh you'll be fine if you've done all this stuff you'll you'll work you'll work great and i i said to him i said you know i don't think you're right, but, um, I'll try it if, if that's, if that's what, if that's what you all feel. Um, and throughout, throughout that job, I just, I just was very, very transparent with everything that I was with, with every task that I was given to the point where the reason I ended up getting fired from my, from

that last job is not only, I mean, it was a lot of it was because I wasn't measuring up to this director status, but it was also because I had a conversation with my, uh, superior, uh, towards the end of my, my term there. And I told him, I just broke down. I just told him, look, I I'm, I'm getting overwhelmed here. I don't think I know what I'm doing. I've been having struggle after struggle. And I thought that conversation was going to lead to maybe a different solution, maybe bringing me down a few notches so that I could manage all my workload. But instead, it did get me fired just by having that conversation. And I was really pissed off about that because they're the ones who convinced me to,

to do the directorship. And now I'm telling them that I've tried after a year and I can't, and I can't do it. Maybe they'll have some grace on me and put me into a better role, but Nope, they just, and, and so I, it but it was it was really the best thing because I was planning on making the pivot by the end of the year to doing this work anyway. So it was just a little bit of a

early start that they gave me. But it like, I'll tell you during that year, even though it was a super struggle, being able to express my boundaries, being able to tell them what I felt like I could and couldn't do, being able to ask for help. Oh, being able to ask for help was one of the biggest game changers because I got a lot of help as a result. And, you know, people that are in that sort of people pleasing, yes, man man kind of mindset don't like to ask for help and that was me I didn't like to ask for any help so that was another thing that boundaries afforded me I can so resonate with that in terms of not asking for help I'm learning as well you know it's like to me that's almost like expanding your boundary of what you think

you have to do and all of that yeah but I know what you mean and yeah that's really you know you touched on a really important topic there of when people set certain expectations for you in your life like how they are going to react to certain things they set up a certain way of being and then you interact with them in that way and when people change their minds um often it feels like it's such it's such a shock to us you know um in our lives and like what happened with you so I wonder like do you feel like they could have set different boundaries as the company uh in terms of you that could have been a bit more of a blissful outcome. Because I think it goes two ways.

It takes two to tango in any relationship. And it's not just about one person setting a boundary as an employee, for example, but managers and a company also setting blissful boundaries that make employees empowered. So it's just such an interesting dynamic. And that happens in relationships too, right? Like we always, it's like two parties setting up their boundaries, kind of work together and make a good successful relationship in the middle. Yeah, that, yeah, that's, I mean, that's a really good point. You know, it's interesting. I'm

thinking back now and they did give me like a set of like things that I was supposed to do, you know, so I guess that would be kind of like the boundaries of what I'm supposed to do. But the problem was that I always had a struggle with was trying to understand what those things were. And it was really hard for them to explain it to me. Because so much of it was just due to their unique, like setup at that job. And, and, you know, so that I mean, I guess that that's probably how they tried to do it. But it just just didn't work for me. And just didn't. It sounds like, you know, through that experience, you kind of knew that this wasn't probably the best fit. And you felt like because you voiced it early on, you felt like they would support you

because you mentioned that earlier. It's not like you went in and you said, yeah, I can definitely do this. And then when you didn't measure up to the KPIs that they set forth, then it's on you. You mentioned and you were vulnerable in saying that, hey, this is not actually my forte, but I'm going to give it a shot because you believe in me and I will give it my best shot. And that happens a lot at companies. I've seen that happen a lot. I've

heard stories. This is very prevalent where they'll gas you up, give you everything, give you the perks, give you the insurance and the salary and the coffee and the co-working space and whatever it is and the gym membership. But at the end of the day, if you don't hit sometimes the standards, and this is where a lot of people say, we say this on so many of the podcasts, is where a lot of people say like we say this on so many of the podcasts where it's like people don't live a toxic workplace they leave toxic managers because if your manager can almost like you can have that one-on-one you can be vulnerable you can share this is where I'm doing well this is where I'm not a lot of times when you're not doing well I can say this from personal experience I know I'm not doing well because you're hearing it. You're seeing it.

You're trying. It's not working. So it's not like you don't know, but you also need a manager or someone to coach you or some sort of other information in order to get you to that next level. If you don't have that support from your team, I mean, you're at a director level. How many other levels are there after that? So there's so much there, right? many other levels are there after that? So there's so much there, right? And it's really unfortunate because I feel like sometimes they lose really great talent who they just haven't

figured out how to harness that talent or how to work with that talent in the way that benefits the company and the person. So I'm really sorry to hear that, you know, through that space of vulnerability, they still didn't choose to either do the right thing or do the human thing. And so, you know, sometimes there's clarity that comes there where you're knowing exactly what you want. And I think that's a gem that you probably can take out of that experience is whether or not the workplace accepted you, you for yourself decided that, hey, this is where I want to be. This is who I am.

This is what I can do. And I have a whole business out of telling people how to do that. So that's awesome. Yeah. But I think, you know, I think the ultimate, the ultimate boundary was just recognizing that that work was just not the thing for me. And having to lay that boundary down was, you know, it was a very terrifying thing. Because I still rely upon my parents' approval in a lot of ways.

my parents approval in a lot of ways. And there, it's very hard for them to see me going off into an entrepreneurial role. They don't know, they don't have any experience with that really. But, you know, creating that boundary for me at, at that job, I mean, even though things didn't work out, even though, you, you know, I, you know, there, there were some things that were very questionable, uh, as far as letting me go and not really supporting me. I was, I was actually just so relieved. I just couldn't wait to get out. And I, I think back to all of those roles that I've had and I I'm just, you know, on my entrepreneurial journey, things have not been easy, but it has not been, there has not been one moment where I'm just like, oh, yeah, I'll just go back and do design at tech. Like, that is just the last thing on my mind.

And it's very hard to own that boundary and to really say that's the way I'm going to live in the world because it's pretty scary. that that's the way I'm going to live in the world because it's pretty scary. Someone that I often listen to on YouTube talks about everything that is going to help you grow, everything of where you want to go is beyond that that you already know. It's beyond that bubble. It's beyond that boundary.

And I think in a way we pull things into our lives that help us get beyond. You probably pull that job into your life so that you can have that experience, that you can go into your journey and know yourself and find yourself. And it doesn't make it easy. I feel like we're all kind of in the same boat right now in terms of entrepreneurial journey out of corporate. So we can all sympathize with each other's challenging moments but yeah it's wonderful once you can grasp hold of that like experiential learning and know that you you might feel like you're fumbling around in the dark because it's just that the boundary has shifted and you you're starting to shed light onto what the perimeter now is. You know, you've kind of got this torch and you're trying to find it.

So I think it is a journey and I think just it's wonderful that you had that experience. And I'm quite curious, are you finding when you're coaching people, you know, relationship is a relationship whether it's personal, romantic or professional, are people doing that? Are they, are they, like, for example, where the company had said to you, you know, it'll be fine, just give it a try. Like, are people going into relationships knowing this probably isn't for me, but I, let's, let's walk into it. and then how does that end up you know do you grow do you actually end up in a codependent toxic relationship so do you see that happening a lot we you know in our

in our program we we train not only with approach but also through the dating process as well because it is such a vulnerable process and that you know you know, there's, there's so much excitement at the early parts of the relationship. And those parts end up creating, you know, kind of like a like a tunnel vision, I guess, our biology takes over, and we end up settling for things that we wouldn't normally settle for. And, you know, you always look back in retrospect, and you're just like, I, why did I go through with that? Oh, yeah, I was my, my body had had complete control over me. And, and, you know, being in a relationship also comforts you, it also gives you safety in some kinds of ways. It keeps you out from the world of dating.

A lot of people are so ready to jump out of the dating world before they even jump in. One of the most common things that... Because I have had both women and men come to me in the coaching. And one of the biggest things that both of them say is that they're like, I'm ready for a relationship right now. I'm like, no, you're not, dude. You got to go through the dating process. If you want to find, if you want to find a really good partner, you have to go through that with that process. I mean, otherwise, it's just like hiring somebody just directly off the street, you know, to some degree.

But they want that safety and security. They want to be done with the trials and tribulations of dating because it's very much an adventure. But for a lot of people, it's an absolutely frightening adventure. It's hard for me to also coach during those times where they're feeling that excitement, because I want to feel that excitement with them. I want to like, I want to be on their side, and I want to cheer them on. But, you know, recently, one of my clients, well, Will, who is who is my partner in the business, but also I'm still coaching him. He found a woman after a whole lot of dates that he's was really, really excited about. I haven't seen him excited about a woman in so long. So with this woman, he had a lot of he had a ton of excitement going into it. And I

got into that excitement with him. And we found that things were not as clear as maybe he thought that they were throughout the entire thing. And I noticed at different points of the coaching that I was telling him that I was actually apologizing to him because I was like, I feel like my cheerleading about how excited you are about this girl is also setting you up for big disappointment at the same time. So I told him, I said, and you know, we talk about this with approaching, the success of the approach isn't how well the approach turns out. It's not based on if you get their number and you actually get a date from it. It's really dependent upon how do you perform? How real are you? How authentic are you in that interaction? Do you say the things you want to say? Do you act the way you want to act?

Do you feel the way you want to feel? That's really the true measurement because you cannot control the way that they're going to react. You cannot control what's going on in this wonderful woman's life that Will was getting pretty excited about for a while. You can't control what's going on with them, but you can control what is going on with you. You can be in charge of that. It's so interesting because the dynamic

that we talk about with approaching, it so can be applied to work. It so can be applied to sales. Oh my God. I'm just realizing as I'm learning to be a salesman for my own coaching company that so much of what I've been teaching is just like coming right back to me 100% 100 fold. If I can talk about it just through the lens of approach and just see how it applies to all the other things. It's a deep process to really get comfortable with it. Because to get comfortable with approaching new people, first off, you have to offload all of your stories about how you think the world works. That's a really, really big component. That's usually where I start people,

is by building awareness around when I create a story. And the story is going to be some kind of blanket statement that's going to cover all areas., when we don't know much about the world, we tend to make generalizations. And the dating world is an uncertain world. So you're going to have, you know, you're never going to be able to create that prediction ability, that blanket statement prediction ability. So the first part of that is offloading that. The second part is coming to a grounding anchor point within yourself where you actually know what your desires are and you know what kind of person you are. And that is easier said than done. But what we call it in the program is

we call it the integrity of your desires, meaning that you flesh out all of the things that you value, that you feel are important to you, and you feel that you're looking for in other people, and you feel that the qualities that you feel like you bring into that you have to offer as well and you get really solid on that so that it's an it's unshakable unstoppable because the reason that so many people get uncomfortable in front of new people is because they are afraid about how those people are going to react to them. And this was, this was just, this was just a massive hurdle that I had to get over with myself. I was so reliant upon if other people liked me, if I was making other people feel uncomfortable. And, you know, if that was, you know, sometimes it is you, like what you have going on that is actually making people feel uncomfortable.

But sometimes it's the fact that they just don't, they're just not a good connection for you. You know, there's something about the way that you operate in the world, which is totally authentic and totally real to yourself, that for some reason reminds them of somebody who did them wrong in the past. So sometimes that happens, can be both ways. But having that source of truth within yourself, and then being able to demonstrate that through the interactions that you're having. And that's a whole other part. We tend to think with new people that there's a way to interact with new

people. There's a way to treat a stranger. There's a way to interact with a stranger. But the reality of the situation is that interacting as if they are a stranger actually makes them more of a stranger. So being able to go up to a stranger as if you've known them forever, as if they're your friend, you know, it transforms the way that you present yourself and you get a lot more comfortable, a lot more calm when you actually practice this and you get used to treating strangers like you've known them forever i i don't know if you all have ever recognized this before but have you ever there's been people that have come into my life where i've only known them for like a week or two and i felt

like i've known them forever so yeah so if you have that's generally what that dynamic kind of kind of creates we don't need to know people for years to be super close and super connected so why not start it off right at the beginning right so what what is your advice because a lot of times the reason why people are guarded is they're trying to protect themselves, right? You mentioned approaching people as if you've known them for a while and that they are your tribe almost. What is your advice when you see some of those red flags? Do you feel like it's something that you should kind of distance yourself from or try to uncover or try to understand? Like, what is your advice when people see red flags, you know, very early on in our interaction or in a relationship? Yeah, just to just to kind of cover some ground before you see the red flags, because you mentioned

that when you've gone into some interactions with new interactions with people you are um you're you're aware of your boundaries and you're you're a little you're a little concerned a little maybe a little held back i guess is what you're saying such yeah like a little reserved or just like aware that like not everyone has your best intentions and that's i feel like that is a reality of the world is that there are people that don't. And so it's not that I'm not open to meeting new people. I'm just very cautious of the energies

that are coming towards me. Yes. So when I hear things like that, things like that, that sort of caution that you mentioned, that's something that to me kind of takes the form maybe sort of one of those sort of blanket stories. And I think a lot of people have those going in obviously because they've been let down, they've been hurt in the past.

And it's a much more of a safe zone for them to to be on guard to be cautious. But I think that the reason that that initial hesitation or reservedness actually comes into play is because they actually don't feel comfortable that moving forward in the future, they're going to be able to handle those sort of red flags. I think, you know, the same thing that I see when people are getting into relationships, and this is certainly for myself too, once we see somebody, find somebody that seems like they're pretty much going to work, we oftentimes go all in. I know I do. I know I just dive straight in. So what that does is, you know, it holds your boundaries up into that moment until you make that decision. But then you just give up all your boundaries. You just go all into that

relationship. And it's because there's a lack of duty to yourself. It's because there's a lack of duty to, you know, adhere to those boundaries on a regular consistent basis of practicing them every single day that nobody wants to do because it's, you know, that's just like a whole other, you know, work routine to get involved in. But if they were to recognize that if a red flag comes up, I'm going to notice it and I'm going to be aware of it. I'm going to address it. If you had that kind of mentality going into relationships and I'm really, I'm actually really speaking to myself here, just so you know, um, I'm not sure if everybody has the exact same thing, but I've just noticed that, um, you know, with my, with my last girlfriend, I noticed there were a number of

red flags, but I would, I just already, I already jumped in already committed, like I was like, I'm doing this. And you know, those red flags ended up catching up with me towards the end. So it's I think I think it's a lot of it is because we are not really bound to the routine of being red flag aware. What you're saying kind of just confirms like how I look at it, which is, I feel like I'm a little cautious. And I tend to hold that standard throughout the relationship, which is like, okay, I see the red flags, I understand it, I'm trying to address it. I think that's why I'm a little bit more picky about like, everyone can come up to me, we can talk, we can have like a great time.

But and I'm talking about like professional settings and personal as well. Right. Like you go to a you go to a barbecue and you're talking to everybody that's around there. But sometimes there are some people that you just resonate with more. Right. And but I'm still guarded in all those situations. And for me, it's like if you don't come with the red flags, then I can be an open book.

But as soon as I start seeing, like counting them, and I'm like, okay, didn't like how you explained like your relationship with your best friend on the first time that we met, because now if we become friends, like you're probably going to just throw me under the bus the way you did before. So I guess it definitely helps to kind of understand. I really like your approach in the sense of the end goal is to find someone, but there's a lot of pre-work about yourself and your understanding of the world and how you conduct yourself in, like we said, knowing yourself. What are your boundaries what are your like do's

and don'ts it sounds kind of inhumane to say this but essentially we are creating products to put ourselves on the marketplace to sell so if your product doesn't have the integrity of its of its build and of its uh of its mechanics of its foundation then yeah it's really hard to to to actually sell sell something that's authentic you know i mean i look back at all the relationships that i've had and i i feel like i was selling you know a fake bill of goods you know in a lot of a lot of different relationships because i just haven't been i just haven't i haven't known what I'm, what I'm all about, you know, up until recently. So, um, but dealing with those red flags, you know, it, for me, like in the scenario you were talking about, like if you were at that company picnic picnic and you did notice those red flags,

I, I think I would probably be curious to know what, what those things are just so that i can get a bigger picture on why it's affecting me that way so like if somebody mentioned something weird about their relationship with their other friends i'd be like oh so why why is that why why do you have that kind of relationship just so i can can create the picture clearer in my mind, this is definitely not somebody that I want to be around. Because, you know, again, like when we meet people in these brief moments, it's very easy to make generalizations about them.

And that kind of, you know, working in that kind of plane of generalizations with other people, it ultimately limits new people that might not have the same kind of depth to their red flag that maybe the person you're talking to right now has. Yeah. So I like to get curious. I like to really understand why is this person affecting me this particular way and that does really help it really helps me gauge my my world a little bit better

on the red flag thing you reminded me now i i've been in some relationships that didn't end up so well and the red flags were there I mean I was saying to a girlfriend of mine like they were waving in my face you know the universe was trying its utmost best to show me and I just didn't see them and she said to me she's like yeah Nicole that's because you thought it was a carnival you know I just thought that was such a wonderful expression because we do, we feel like these things are there, but you, one, you take notice and like you say, you don't necessarily address them.

And often I find what happened to me, and maybe some people can resonate with this, is once you've attached your identity to the relationship, whether that be professional or personal or anything, it's really hard to then separate that. And then the red flags, they can be there, but you're so scared of who you would be without that relationship. Who would you be without that job? We're actually so scared of ourselves. And like you were saying, we're talking about the things we fear in other people, And like you were saying, we're talking about the things we fear in other people, how we caution ourselves against other people. I think the things we fear in other people are often born out of fear of things in ourselves. And then we just have mirrors in the world showing us that.

So it's an interesting one. But yeah, I'm definitely very aware now I have the antenna up for the red flags. I couldn't agree with you more nicole and that that merging of the identity is really a um it's really a uh letting go of of your of your ability to make uh to create boundaries it's really it's really the complete you know surrender to the relationship surrendering yourself to the relationship and not being on boundary watch. Yeah, and you lose yourself completely in that. And then it's a long walk back to freedom.

Oh, yeah. I wanted to ask you as well, you know, you've walked such a journey and talking about a long walk. Ten years ago, did you feel like you would be in this position where you are now? I mean, I did have some entrepreneurial moments in my life. I got into design through an entrepreneurial endeavor. If I look back 10 years, that's 2014, I was probably still in an entrepreneurial endeavor,

not really having any idea of what I was doing at all. But if I look back maybe five years when I was working in corporate and tech and stuff like that, I don't think I would have thought that I would have the courage to go off and do this at all. It's just such a comfy space, you know? And that steady paycheck thing really has a way of seducing you. Yeah, it is. It's a bit of an addiction, right? Mm-hmm.

And what's to come? A year from now, where do you see yourself? A year from now, I'm expecting to have two main groups in my program built out. So groups of 15. So by the end of the year i'm looking to do 30 clients which is quite exciting to be able to juggle those two two groups i'm also thinking of by the end of the year i'll be moving into coaching women too um in this in this field because i've done a lot of research in understanding how women feel about that first touch,

the approach, the brand new interaction with a man. And I've gotten a lot of insight. So I think I feel fit right now to start doing that. But I'm focusing on men at the moment just because I'm the most comfortable with them. By the end of the year, I hope to have that thriving business. I want to be in the thriving zone by the end of the year for sure. To anybody that's interested in getting over that fear of approach, learning how to do all the things we talked about in this podcast, they can reach out to me for a free session, a free strategy session at my Instagram, which is the approach coach. So it's the underscore approach underscore coach on Instagram.

And just DM me with the name of the podcast, Friday Feels, and we'll get moving on there. Thank you for offering that to our listeners. And to wrap up, you're on this journey and now you're on the entrepreneur's journey. What is the best professional advice that you've gotten that's helped you on this journey? The best, the best advice. It just came to this moment with the universe where I was struggling

putting out my first ads. And I was just, I was just having so much, it was so weird, like the whole, I set aside this entire week to film my first ads and my agency wanted me to go out there with my phone and walk and do, do my ad with a teleprompter. And every place that I ended up going to had some kind of like loud noise, distraction, or something coming into view as I'm like doing this. And I'm just like, distraction or something coming into view as I'm like doing this. And I'm just like, I, every day that I would go out, I just be like, I just wasted a whole other day. I didn't get any, any ads. And I just,

I had this breakdown in my kitchen where I just looked up at the ceiling and I was just like, what do you want me to do? And the first thing, the first thing that the universe told me to do was to brush my teeth. And so I went and brushed my teeth and it's like, now go work out, go do your meditation, go do your breath work. I hadn't been doing that. It's like, you need to, your main priority, your main job is to take after yourself and let me do my work instead of you trying to think you have to control everything

so that has been my practice for the last couple weeks and it's been a huge a huge difference in my stress levels is just understanding that that i i can't i can't hold all the strings in my hands i can't be the puppeteer over everything in life. I have to give some of that up. I have to let the world do its thing. But what I do have to do, the thing that I do have to focus on that I can control is just taking care of myself. Because if I can't be my best self to the clients that I get on my phone then you know what good is that going to do I have to be the I have to be the the the mark to aim for

that is so powerful I love that I feel like that's your gem of the week Saj do you want to share a bit of where you are and like as well we all in interesting places this week yeah so this week I'm working from Trinidad and Tobago so that's where my family originally is from and I'm here for the week of Carnival, which is the biggest week here in this country. A lot of foreigners come in and it's really exciting. It was actually a really last minute trip. We just decided last week not to go to actually play in the Carnival, but to go to some of the FETs and the events. And yeah, it's been a whirlwind again, um, of actually, so normally we spend like

six to eight months planning this week when we do decide to go for carnival and we've gone a few times. Um, and it'll be like my boyfriend and I and our friends, like our extended friend groups. And it takes a lot of community and grabbing people together to actually execute on this because it's not like you can just book everything, you know, electronically online. Sometimes you do have to kind of get in there and you have to use your family connections and your friend connections, et cetera, to get to and from places or to get food or to do all these other things. So it's been quite a lot of coordination while

trying to work. So it's been a really unique experience for me. And I think, you know, my gem of the week is similar to yours, Tim, is just realizing like the more you take care of yourself, the more you can handle all these things coming at you. And it sounded fun to be spontaneous and it has been fun. But I also am the type of person that likes to kind of do all the purse strings and hold them. And so going with the flow is a big hurdle for me on this trip. It's been fun and hectic and enjoyable. But I realized there's a lot of work that I have to do on that front. And kind of launching into two new businesses as well, has been quite a lot. But the one thing that does, you know, keep me going is that I still feel really passionately about these these businesses and the partners that I'm doing them with and the podcast and so

it always makes me really happy to like hop on these calls and uh that's where I am this week and that's my gem for the week um what about you Nicole? I I am in Cape Town. I landed very late last night, so took a flight back home just for a couple of weeks to get some admin done and see friends and family. And it's been a very strange feeling, to be honest, coming back here after everything that's happened a whole year and a bit later, feeling like a whole different person and more in touch with who I am and and yeah coming back to a city as a tourist because I'm not even staying in my own home it's home exchanged out so I'm like living a little tourist life in my own city and just that realization like I got through customs last night and I I didn't even notice but I was standing in the foreigners queue I could have gone through it straight through with the South African passport. And the customs lady looked at me and she's like, what are you doing?

Everyone else is home already, you know. So I think it's this knowing that life's changed a lot and it brought up a lot of emotions. But it's all good. And just helping to kind of ground where I am in my life now. So Cape Town is so beautiful. It's so hot and lovely. And I'm just looking forward to all the connections here this week. And I do miss Gracie already, but she's happy with friends.

So it's all good. We've had such an amazing conversation. Thank you so much, Tim, for coming on and sharing all of that and being so open. My pleasure. And as it is the month of love, we do send you all lots of love and we hope that you are setting blissful boundaries for yourself. Yeah, and we'd love to hear from you.

So please share your thoughts on this topic by engaging with us on LinkedIn, at Friday Feels and on Instagram at These Friday Feels. And remember to tag us using hashtag These Friday Feels to share your stories. And, you know, you can work with us or potentially have us broadcast Friday Feels from your space. So check out our website. And we're live on all platforms. Listen to us, Spotify, Google, Apple, and Amazon.

And next week, we're going to make the circle bigger and think about what happens when the things that you want to exist just beyond the limits you've put in place around you. So what happens if you expand your boundary, your circle and your energy? But until next time, that is our mix for today. We've had so much fun mingling with you and we wish you safe travels into your bed, into the night and into this awesome weekend. See you next week and keep it real.