Your Happy Hour - Episode 9: Blissful Boundaries

Episode Date: February 2, 2024

Happy Friday everyone! Tune in to episode 9 and let’s chat about: Blissful Boundaries.How do you define your boundaries? Do you live within or without them? In this episode we discuss: the challenge of setting healthy boundaries, understanding our motivations, changing the precedents you have created in personal and professional environments, trusting your gut and knowing when it’s not your shit.We’ll be here - every Friday - celebrating with you!Connect with us @ friday-feels.co▶ Podcast Chapters01:17 - Welcome to our new theme!04:12 - What’s in your energy bubble? 04:56 - Personal versus Professional… Do you find it difficult to set boundaries?06:00 - Boundary management: Is it you or the environment?08:54 - The challenge: Understanding the motivation09:27 - Your formative years: Learning to set boundaries14:29 - Saying no to your boss: Don’t be the yes (wo)man18:00 - Trust your gut and step into your power20:26 - Setting boundaries that are blissful20:54 - Have honest conversations: Who is on the other side of that boundary?26:24 - Embracing the discomfort: Changing the precedent27:52 - Elevate by exercising: Yes, that beautiful boundary muscle!30:33 - Gems of the Week: The Let Them Theory and Know when it’s not your shit34:49 - Final question, Next week and Farewells!

Happy Friday beautiful people and hello to you all out there tuning in for your first sip of the weekend. you tune into your happy hour with friday feels we're celebrating all of you working professionals out there doing your crazy craft embracing the beauty of being human and connecting authentically and we are host sergeant nicole and we're living and working around the world holding space for you and keeping it raw and real as we share fresh content with you every week. Follow us on LinkedIn at Friday Feels and Instagram at These Friday Feels for updates throughout the week. So in our last episode, we discussed setting your own direction and we were joined by the wonderful Christine Volden, who shared with us her thoughts and feels on selling yourself, owning your brand and mastering your life through harnessing the power of your mind.

If you haven't already, check out episode eight this week. We are wrapping up January. Can you believe it? It's the first month of 2024. It's drawing to a close. And with it opens up a new theme for us at Friday Feels for the month of February. It's a very important one and we're super, super excited to delve into it. We're talking about blissful boundaries. Oh, I mean, what a topic to kickstart the month of celebrating

love and relationships with it, I think. And it's such a crucial element of being human in all aspects of our lives. And I know personally boundaries are something I have not until more recently in my life exercised and truly understood. How about you, Saj? How are you feeling about this week's topic and about February?

Yeah, I mean, I feel like the first month of January really blew by and I'm excited for the new year and seeing all the plans that we made in January come to fruition I feel like blissful boundaries I know we when we were thinking about the topics for this year this one kind of rose to the top because it's something that a lot of people, you know, struggle with and it's an everyday thing, right? I think it's really important for people to kind of look to others who have done it effectively and see what they can gain from it. And so I think only by seeing that you can kind of start setting your own blissful boundaries.

Sometimes it's something that's easier seen and replicated than read about because there's many times in my life where someone will be like, well, just say that then if that's how you feel. And I'm like, okay, I thought I did say that. But yeah, maybe you're right. It's worth saying it again.

So excited to dive into this topic this month and explore with everyone. What about you? I love that. Yeah. And it's a hard one. You know, boundaries are really challenging things for us. And, you know, I was thinking about it. We either set them too narrow, And, you know, I was thinking about it. We either set them too narrow or we draw them too wide. And when it really matters, we don't really exercise the ones we think we've put in place, you know. And it's kind of that thing where I remember someone once said to me, when you look back and you say, I think there was a line drawn there.

And I know I grappled with this for a really long time setting healthy boundaries understanding what healthy boundaries look like what they are and it really comes down to knowing and owning your worth I think and who you are so your boundaries are and may not maybe maybe they will but be but they aren't going to look the same like you said for everyone you know they're different depending on who you are what is important to you and how you express that in the world so I think thinking about this topic has really made me realize that it's all about your journey of individuality and figuring out how you how you draw that around you, that energy bubble around you in the world. So sometimes it's okay to say yes to something. Sometimes it's okay not to say yes to something.

And the no's are actually really important is what I've come to realize. Yeah, I think we asked our audience, do you find it difficult to set boundaries? And the majority of them said sometimes, I think 40% said yes, but there was no one that said no. I don't think setting boundaries comes natural to a lot of people. And it's kind of funny that you talk about the personal side of it too, because I think in the context of the professional space, you know, that's one aspect. Do you feel like you set more boundaries professionally or personally? I feel like for me, I've gotten a lot better at the personal side of it and kind of just sharing how I really feel.

And I think that just goes with kind of cleansing the people around you and your personal space and doing things that you really want to do and trying to create boundaries around that. And I think that's where it's really helped me. And I've seen, I've actually seen a difference, you know, hey, I don't actually want to go out to this and go and do this, I don't know, kids party. Right. out to this and go and do this, I don't know, kids party, right? And so I really rather just kind of stay home and like, you know, watch TV, put on my castor oil pack and whatever the case may be for this Sunday. Maybe it means going out to brunch or something like that. I've noticed

the more I try to say like, what do I really want to do? That's when it's a little bit easier for me to set the boundary. But in professional settings, I would say in toxic environments, that setting boundaries tend to ruffle a lot of feathers. And in environments where it wasn't as toxic, I think setting boundaries were more well-received by, it could be coworkers or bosses, managers, or people that I managed. I think when you feel like you're in a safe environment, setting boundaries sometimes isn't viewed so negatively. It's just, okay, well, I trust her. I trust how she feels I trust her work so setting a boundary there is not as difficult it hasn't been as difficult for me when I've worked in toxic workplaces before it made me feel weird to set a boundary because of how the other person responded

and it made me kind of question setting that boundary and that's where it gets a little difficult to really navigate and understand, was I being too rash by setting this or X, Y, Z? So what would you say? Is it easier for you to set personal boundaries or professional boundaries or neither or both? I think they go hand in hand for me. I feel like the more I learned how to set boundaries in my personal life the more that energy spilled over into the professional life and vice versa because you're a holistic person and I kind of felt like you can't raise your frequency in one place in your life and then not expect that frequency to kind of push you to do that in a different space in your life right because you want one being and that's

challenging sometimes because then you're growing in one space and then you're like well okay I'm causing this growth now and it's pushing me to deal with something hard in a different space that I didn't want to deal with so I find it in both, much easier now than I did a few years ago. Relationships have always been a really tough one for me. When I was about 18, I felt like I had really good boundaries. I kind of always knew who I was, what I wanted, all of that. But I don't think I was very in touch with my emotions, which is an interesting one. And so I was quite good at cleaning the energy and saying,

I'm not okay with this, but I probably didn't always understand myself and the motivations behind that. And so the more I've worked with that, in a way, actually, the easier it has become to draw healthy boundaries and yet still be connected with people. But it's hard. I think for me, the hardest thing has been

understanding that sometimes boundaries are really related to the fact that you want to be good with people in the world. And when I say that, it's like a bit of people pleasing. You want to be seen in a high light. You want to know that people like you. You want to know that you can be successful in a job, you know, and yet maybe you think that that is the determining factor.

So I think both are hard. And I think the more we work on one, the more we force to work on another. Yeah, I agree with that. You know, I was talking to someone just the other day about even like boundaries with parents, right? I think sometimes, I mean, you can't really generalize, but there are some parents, they kind of want the best for you. But maybe the way they show it or the way that they, they kind of interact is they're usually the one to, since you were smaller,

to teach you how to do things, to tell you what to do. And as you get older and you start navigating the world yourself and you have different opinions, sometimes it's really hard to kind of set those boundaries. Like I respect your opinion, I hear what you're saying, but I don't agree with you. And they might not agree with what you're saying, they might not like it. But they will respect you for having your own opinion and being able to trust that, right. And so, you know, I, you know, I come from a West Indian culture, meaning I was brought up, you know, in a way and there's a lot of, you know, a lot of people have commented on the podcast that listen, right? And so, and they're part of that culture, they understand, it's like, yeah, you end up doing a

lot of stuff because your parents did or because they told you to do it, or they said, like, don't sit this way, or make sure you're covered up, or we need to go to like this religious practice. And you're covered up or we need to go to like this religious practice. And it's, you know, we talked about it before, but we kind of look at them with grace that this is what it took for them to kind of survive in a different environment and hold true to their values. But we are in a different environment, right? We're raising kids that are going to be in a completely different environment, right? And so I think it's definitely something a lot of people in my age group and that listen have shared with me that they really like we're chatting about some of these things that are not super easy to chat about. They're not super easy to talk one-on-one about.

And the fact that we kind of do it in a way where it's kind of gentle prodding, but not super invasive is actually helpful, right? And so I think when you're setting boundaries, that's something to kind of remember, right? Is that you really have the ability to set whatever boundaries that you feel like are comfortable not everyone will agree with them but I'm sure that they will respect you for having them I'm so glad to hear that these things are resonating with people out there and an invite

also to everyone listening is if there's more stuff that you want us to talk about that you want us to unravel for you or with you please let us know you know where to find us and I agree I think that a lot of the boundary setting that we struggle with does start within your formative years and that is where you are with family you're not in the corporate world yet it really does start there and so the struggle is really between you and your family how do you find your identity how do you find your place your voice and I remember moments where I was changing as a person realizing that I wanted to be someone different. And that was hard for my parents. I think they still struggle at times as I grow. And likewise,

other way around, as kids, when your parents change, maybe they go through divorce or whatever it is, your boundaries change and as a family, and that's really a hard one to deal with. So people are really quick to then turn around and be, and I think we've spoken about this a lot on the podcast, but people are quick to turn around and be like, well, you're not the person I used to be. You're not the person I raised. know you again don't you dare change and I think it's really important that we are allowed to give ourselves the permission like we're talking with Christine last week to change to say okay I've been doing it this way but actually that's not working for me I want to do it this way and that's okay and it may be take a little while of you know friction with some

people in your life but it will be better and like you say they'll respect you and I remember something my dad said to me once when I had a bit of a conflict with him about something and he said you know Nicole we respond to you in the way that you live. If you change how you live and how you act as a person, we will likewise respond to that. So, you know, you can't blame us. And I thought that was really, it really hit me hard. You know, how can you expect people to react to you in a certain way, if you are not showing who you are and what you want and being steady and consistent in that. So, showing who you are and what you want and being steady and consistent in that. And the same happens in the workplace, right? I think the hardest part is saying to a boss no or, you know,

standing up for healthy working hours or healthy boundaries in terms of your energy at work. I know that's something I've struggled with as well over the years. Being a yes woman does not always end up well so for yourself and your own health but yeah it is a difficult one and I think everyone listening can probably agree that they at some point in their life they have been like well damn where's that line did I even draw it so yeah you know that brings me to you know personal story that I have around that and it kind of touches on the micromanagement aspect I was working for a company I just started and my boss was like okay work with the marketing person to create the copy and make sure that it

reflects our partnership with this partner or make sure that it reflects that we're going to get clients with this messaging. And she made me do like, like eight to 10 edits on this. And it was horrendous. I hated it. I was like, first of all, this messaging doesn't make any sense. And like, I went in and I kind of like edited a few things and I was like, okay, well, this is the direction you're taking. I think you could tweak some of these words, like went in word by word, apostrophe by apostrophe, just like changing things and was like, oh, well, do you really think this is the right way to say the sentence? How can you do this? And I'm like, listen, it's a whole page long. If you go sentence by sentence,

just take it out then. It doesn't really matter, really, to be quite honest. And it was so funny because it was my first... I think it was within my first month on the job. And I was just clashing. There was just no... I felt so stupid in that job. I was like within my first month on the job and I was just clashing. There was just no, I felt so stupid in that job. I was like, maybe I don't know anything because nothing was ever good enough. And at one point when we were going through the edits, I was like, what is it you're trying to achieve here? Right. Does this meet what we're trying to achieve? Does this meet our deadline?

And to be quite honest, I think if you spend 10 more days editing this, you're still going to get the same amount of people that are attracted to it. Because the kind of edits that you're making are not groundbreaking. They're very minor. In my experience from doing this for many years, it's better to ship it out when it's 80% done versus 100% done and just get it out. And it was a big shift in our dynamic, but I had come from a sales background. So I had a different approach than someone that came from a strategy background. And I really had to be like, this is why you hired me. They had interviewed quite a lot of people for this position, over 80 people

actually interviewed, not people that they were screening and that there were actual interviews that were set. So that's telling you the kind of person that's super picky in particular, right there, which I didn't know until after I started. So for me, it was really like, look, if you made a decision for better for worth on me, you have to trust what I'm doing. And I'm doing it for a reason. And the partnership itself was already set up before I started there. It really wasn't the best partnership. And so I knew that going in from the beginning. And I really wish I had trusted my gut. Because when I ended up moving to a different team, that person also had a sales background.

They were like, this is not working. If it's not working, cut it. And if I'd really stepped into my power earlier and set that boundary, I would have killed it much earlier. And it would have been a lot more successful. Because sometimes the things that go on just kind of drag you down. So it's easier to just cut it and keep moving. It was hard for me in a way seeing like, I already knew this. Well, I guess I should have been the one to do it. But without

setting that clear boundary, it was really hard. And, you know, it goes back to what I was saying before in toxic environments, sometimes it's very hard to set and reset your boundaries because you often question yourself about whether or not you're the one that's kind of making the mistake. And something that I found to be really helpful and that actually happened to me at this job was I only had one direct manager, a few peers, and we were all working on different projects. So even though I could sense there was something wrong, I didn't really know how to articulate it. And I thought, okay, well, it's just me. And I just kept going. And it was only until I spoke to maybe three or four other people on different teams and realized a lot of the

management had this kind of idea that they didn't really take into consideration kind of the younger teams management style and work ethic and point of view mostly. And that was sort of rewarded in the system that no one was actually happy working for a lot of these managers that I realized oh okay it's not me you're in a completely different department with a different manager and yet you're having a very similar experience that's one example that I think for me really made me question in the subsequent jobs when I did have a manager and they were starting to go down that path that if I can't really fix this place or fix my relationship with this manager, it's probably

not going to work out and I need to be setting my boundaries much earlier on. I think you're hitting such an important topic of the toxic environment versus your boundaries blissful boundaries is really setting knowing that you are in an environment that's already good for you maybe it's just the fact that you are not exerting the boundaries that you should be versus like you say i actually know what my boundaries are but in this environment I'm expressing and it's not being heard and knowing the difference that's really really important and I think I've been in both I think I've been in both situations where you know you I've gotten myself into situations that I created a precedent of what was okay and then wanted to change the boundary. But

it wasn't so much about that environment. It was more about me. And then I've been in the opposite situation where it was just toxic and it made me question who I was. And that often happens in codependent relationships. And I happen to find myself in one for a long time in my life and then you lose a lot of yourself and you don't always know what then so much as you and versus the environment and you you end up giving a lot of your energy away and I think you know also like you were saying it's one thing to to ask yourself like am I just not drawing the boundary and it's a whole different thing to speak to the other side of that boundary which is usually another human and say well okay what is

it that's you reacting to here? I think it was such a good question that you asked because I've often seen in life too that when you're asking someone, what in you is fighting this? What in you is reacting like this? You will quickly resolve that and you'll be able to have an honest conversation

between the two of you. So I think that's really great practical experience and advice for our audience also and for ourselves to take from that so never be scared of the honest conversation and it's interesting when you watch yourself say the things you didn't say and how it makes you feel so yeah yeah and I like what you said with almost with every time you in every So, yeah. bosses that would message and be like, oh, we need to get this out to XYZ country at two in the morning. Or it wouldn't be as dramatic, but that's the time that they're up, they're waking, they're doing their work. So you need to kind of do your work afterwards. You know, when I used to work with, we had a group in China, they're in a completely different time zone that does not work with the Eastern time zone. So yeah, I was always working. I was very stressed. It didn't mean that I was working all

the time, but in order to get things out or deploy things, you're working, you're not working in nine to five. When you add commuting on top of that, that's a hard, that was very hard for me. And that still is kind of hard for me, even with sometimes some of the partners I have now, which is like, oh, yeah, let me just get this out to you. Let me just do this. And I know what I'm doing. I'm like moving hell and high water on my end. To actually get this out, I might be typing in the car, like at a doctor's appointment trying to finish an email up. And I constantly have to push back on my own self and my natural instinct to just one, people please, or two, you know, it's a fine line for me

of sticking to my word. And then also making sure that, you know, I set a reasonable boundary. And you know, too, with people, like there's a lot of times, you know, Nicole and I will have calls before this and we have strategy meetings. And I really questioned myself like five minutes before I'm like, well, I could go get coffee and then get food. And if I don't do that, and we end up talking for an hour after, then I'm going to be starving for the rest

of the day. And it's almost like I know with certain people that they'll be okay if I'm five minutes late, but I came nourished, right? And one, it's taking a very long time for me to do things like that. And two, that's the same thing that we're talking about. You're setting a precedent with each time that you interact with someone. So even for myself, you might say, okay, fine, she did it today. But if every single time I do that, and it actually bothers you after like, a few times, you're going to be like, hey, can we start on time? Or hey, can we like, you know, can we actually get to what we need to do. And sometimes you need that gentleness moving forward, you know,

in times where you're uncertain. But other times, for me, that's been a big lesson in the partnerships that I have this year. And I'm really proud of that is that we feel comfortable enough to have those hard conversations and set those boundaries. Like, hey, I do have a stop at this time. There's many times where we talk and I don't put anything, you know, for the next two hours because I know we'll probably go over. But there's been more instances as you get busier to kind of set those boundaries. really thought about in the environment that you're in and how the people are responding. And I think for a lot of people, blissful boundaries, the reason why we named it blissful boundaries is that you should feel happy about setting the boundaries. And that's where it becomes hard to almost invite conflict in a way. And I guess what we're trying to say is that with the right people, it shouldn't invite conflict. They should respect enough that you understand if you're

giving a reasonable boundary that they should abide by it. But it doesn't make it easy. And I don't think that boundaries a lot of times feel good. But I think when we say blissful boundaries, we're kind of talking about the fact that you feel good that you did stand up for what it is that you wanted. And it might not feel great exerting that, but afterwards, at least you could look back and say, well, this is how I wanted it to go. And I kind of forced myself to set a boundary that made sense for me. And I have a cousin who does this all the time. I'm not going to name her on here, even though she wants to be named. But she'll just talk through a situation to herself, basically, on the phone.

She's like, you know, like you talked to me about setting boundaries and that's what I'm doing. And I'm like, great. So there's nothing for me to add then. You sound like you just talked yourself into and out of the problem so I know that me talking to you is actually working it was so funny when she said that it was like a proud cousin moment where I was like yes okay you've got it now you you identified it and you read like rectified it all on your own without me saying like, well, what's your boundary here? How many red flags is too many red flags?

And to anyone that is listening to my extremely long monologue rant is that, you know, you really that's the point, right? That's what makes it blissful is that you've done it over and over. You're getting more comfortable with doing it it's like a muscle you keep exercising it and it will get easier and if you find that you're always clashing I think this is a good question Nicole you find that you're always clashing in terms of setting your boundaries with someone what should you do that's a very good question. I feel like, and you know, as you were talking, what keeps coming up for me is the idea that it's blissful. Like you say, boundaries always feel negative. It's not. It's uncomfortable because you have to grow. It's uncomfortable because you've set a situation that now exists in the world that you need

to change. But it is a beautiful thing. It's such an elevation thing. When you are setting your boundary, when you are living in your truth, when you're speaking your truth, you feel good. Like we all know that feeling right we all know that feeling where you've given your power away or you've you've basically you know that you've maybe overstepped someone else's boundary because we all do that too like you said you know

and you know that feeling you know that that that little voice that's inside that you try quiet down and so I think go with that is like my first gut literally go with your gut go with what feels good for you and and also examining that taking the time to listen and go what was that what did I not express in a way that you know I need to next time okay how am I struggling to express that how am I struggling to express that? Why am I struggling to express that? And really getting to the root of it, because there's always a root lying in there somewhere, you know, of why you didn't set a boundary. So I think that staying in a state of blissful boundaries really should be elevating you you should be feeling more confident you should be feeling more yourself and um surround yourself with the people that find your tribe

and surround yourself with the people that make you feel good about being a boundary person you know people will that will respect you and and help uh elevate you to do those things. So, and I think it helps to start writing them down. It really helps to see them on paper. I'm such a fan of journaling. I think that's a good gem of the week too, you know, is to just kind of take that and run with it. And, you know, I'll wrap up and say that I know Mel Robbins, she has this theory. I don't

know if you've heard of it, Nicole, it's the let them theory that her I think it's her daughter that told her about it. And I listened to this a while ago, but I see she talks more about it. It's a theory where, okay, people want to come with you or they get hurt because you didn't invite them XYZ. Okay, let them or they want to go back to the same person or they get hurt because you didn't invite them xyz okay let them or they want to go back to the same person that they've been going back to over and over when you keep telling them that person is not good for you okay let them because when you keep trying to force the situation or correct it or you know get yourself involved or try to try to show them the right path they don't show it to themselves.

And so you're almost course correcting people all over, getting frustrated by it. And then they don't actually learn the lesson. And so a lot of boundaries too is even kind of letting go of your boundaries and saying, look, all right, you know, I'm setting this boundary for myself. Me talking to you over and over about the same thing is not working for me. So every time, you know, I talk to you, I might switch the subject. I might talk about something else, or I might even say, I think we discussed

this a few times. You let me know, you know, how it works out for you. And, you know, let's chat about X, Y, Z, because it's almost like beating a dead horse. And I think on the flip side, that's also really important. And that's part of like the self-care boundaries, right? And whatever works for you, that feels good. It doesn't feel good to get on the phone every time and rehash things that are not working when you've already kind of addressed it and have shared your input. And I would say that would be a gem of the week that I would share is kind of making sure that you understand where are the places that the boundaries keep you safe, loved, seen, etc. And sharing them with other people, but also making sure that you're preserving your own boundaries for your own self-care. I love that. And it's energy management.

It's so important to do that, right? And there's nothing wrong with putting the ball back in someone else's court when it's not your shit. I like that boundary. My mom once said wise words, and I should have taken them to heart, is don't make other people's flaws your own. A lot of times when we don't set boundaries, it's because we want to save the world.

It's not our jobs. Our jobs are not even to save ourselves. It's really just to live fully in who we are. We don't need saving. So a gym for me this week was kind of in the same line of things. Just a quick throwback also to last month's theme, which was distraction to attraction. I have really been nudged this week to look at moments that distract me. And maybe like you were saying you

know it's a bit of boundary management as well but the things that really have fired me up things that have made me pay attention to my own worth my own time where I'm blocking my own path and it's been physical things that like I burnt my hand, physical things that have like caused me to pay attention to the things that I'm doing. What is the transformation that's needed? Where am I not paying attention? So I've had a lot of interest in physical reminders of my body and where my mind is at this week. But it's been wonderful and it's brought me back to self. So no more burning of anything after this. A question to the audience is, do you know,

you know, where your boundaries are and how do you define them? Maybe take a minute this week and just think about them. And do you live within or without them? What is it that feels right to you? You know, know that you're not the only person struggling with this. It's always a work in progress from two people who've actively tried and went through it. So we'd love to hear from you. So please share your thoughts on this topic and you can engage with us on LinkedIn at Friday feels and on Instagram at These Friday Feels. Remember to tag us using hashtag These Friday Feels to share your stories. And so you can work with us

or potentially have us broadcast Friday Feels from your space. So check out our website at Friday-Feels.co. Again, we're live on all platforms, Spotify, Google, Apple, and Amazon. And you can also find all the episodes on our site, of course, friday-fields.co. Yeah. And next week, we're exploring this theme a little bit further. So we're going to think about, have your boundaries worked for you? When are they holding you back? Are they captivating you? Are they limiting you? And when is it time to redefine them so you can experience abundance and joy? But until then and next time, that is our mix for today. So we've had fun

mingling with you. We wish you safe travels into your bed, into the night and into this awesome weekend. See you next week. Keep it real.