Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 114-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

Everyone is welcome in Your Mom's House. It don't matter if you're black, brown, purple or Asian - oh or gay. We accept you all. In this episode we discuss the recent announcement of Jason Collins - the NBA player who just announced that he is gay. We also discuss the reactions to his announcement and their role in free speech, tolerance, and righteousness. Sound un-mommy like to you? Well, we are soon back to discussing meeting our heroes, white trash Italian food vs. uppity Italian food, Fill Her Up/Seal Her Shut in the "where the dudes at?" genre. Gimme some mo (jeans)! 

Come see me this week, y'all. I just added a last-minute week at a place called Tommy Tease in Rancho Cordova, California. That's near Sacramento. Come see me there. Next week, May 9th through 12th, Cleveland Improv in Cleveland, Ohio. May 17th, Portland, Oregon, with my beloved husband Tom Sugar at the Funhouse Lounge. You may have heard of him. Yo, this is real important, though. The Portland date, we got a second show. That is a big deal. We need people to come to it. Portland, we came to you because you said you'd be there. So the 1030 show is on sale. Please come out and support us. Buy tickets. Come to that show.

Well, because here's the thing. Some of you are thinking, you know what? I'm not going to buy my tickets in advance. I'm just going to show up. Well, guess what? First show sold out, buddy. Yeah, it's done. It's done. So if you're thinking about coming, just buy the ticket. This is the time to do it, man. Commit, yo. And then May 18th, Seattle, Washington. Same thing. Yeah.

That's one show, and that's at the High Line, and there's tickets are on sale, too. That's right. And then May 23rd through 26th, Richmond Funny Bone, Richmond, Virginia. All right. What about you, bun electric bunsaloo? This weekend, two through four of May, I'm at the Underground Comedy Club in Toronto, Clan Destiny, High on Trees, all that shit. And I believe we're all sold out. To double check that, you know, you can go to my site, TomCigarette.com. The link to the tickets are there, but I was told that they're either, I know Friday and Saturday were sold out.

Thursday was close. So maybe try to get Thursday tickets, May 2nd. So I'm excited about Toronto. Then it's Austin, Texas, the A through the 11th, Cap City. May 15th, I'm at the Hollywood Improv here in Los Angeles on Melrose. Come see me, do a longer set than you normally do. Of course, the 17th and 18th with my Titus Jeans on Portland and Seattle that we just covered. And yeah, after that, well, you can look at that stuff. In Portland, Portland. I'm excited about Portland. Have you watched Portlandia yet?

I've seen a little bits and pieces. I've never seen a full episode, but I have seen bits and pieces. It's the dream of the 90s is alive in Portland. It's pretty funny. I'm into it, man. I can tell you're into it. Oh, thank you. We got a lot of stuff to cover today. Interesting stuff, fun stuff. We got so much show. You ready to do this? Let's do it.

Let's do it. I got my green tea. I'm ready to rock. Boom. Hell of a game. Let me say something. As long as I'm in this fucking job, Snooker will be the offensive coach. No question about that. No fucking question about that. I don't like to name names after a fucking game, but we can't be responsible for the blocking. We can't be responsible for the fucking guys jumping offside. We can't be responsible for the fuck. We get down there and it was a dumb play by Anderson. I love Anderson, but it

was a dumb fucking play when his shoe was coming off, up the line, because we were high on take time out. We had a fucking trap play called, and his fucking shoe comes off. That ain't about Snooker's fault. We have another fucking trap play, and if any picks up his fucking feet, he walks in. We got the fucking pass to AC out there in the flat. It's a ball thrown in the low. That ain't just Snooker's fault. We got right down there. We got the second down, and I don't know what the hell, two yards ago, I don't know what 15, 40, whatever the hell it was, and Erwin jumps offside. Now, these are the things that have been hurting us all along, the little things. We're working at them to stop them.

We moved the ball good today. We went down there, and we didn't get the ball in the pinch on it. Do you understand? I think we did, yeah. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me in the fucking sand! Welcome, welcome to your mom's house, with Tom Segura, Tom Sussour, and Christina Pajitzin,

Welcome to your mom's house. Who was that guy? That was the old Vikings coach, Jerry Burns, and that was after a win. Wow. That was the last bit of that thing, of that clip. The guy in the radio or the journalist goes, Coach, did you win today? He's like, yeah, I think so. They won that game. He's like, we're fucking up all over the fucking place. I love that guy. He's my kind of guy.

Oh, me too. That's the best. But specifically because no matter how well you're doing, it's never good enough. That's you. I mean, I can, you know, someone can be like, you just got a pilot, or you just made a million, and I'll be like, I don't care. What's the next thing? How can I beat myself up today? Well, that's what we were talking about, part of your thinking, which I'm like, Jesus. What, my Eastern blog? Your Eastern Communist thinking is like, remember, we were looking at Theo, our dog,

and you're like, yeah, he's going to die one day. And I was like, what? And I was like, what are you talking about? You're like, he is. And I was like, I know, why are we talking about it? You're like, well, you know, it's just something to think about. I mean, I'm like, what? We just got over his sickness. You're like, I know, but he's going to die one day. That should make you appreciate it more. I'm like, I don't want to talk about that.

Because that is how your brain thinks. Because that's how Eastern blockers are, because your life could end. The KGB could come and steal you away in the middle of the night. You could end up in a gulag for no reason. So life is fragile and frail. And we got to appreciate it. It's really my call, my existential call for you to embrace your life, to grab life by the balls and pull as hard as you can,

because you don't know how long you have to be here, Tom. Yeah, yeah. But you Americans see it as like, oh, you're negative. You Americans. That's right. You're not an American. I took a vow to this country. You're a foreigner and you always will be. I took a vow, Tommy. You do not have the same rights.

You do not have the same privileges. I do, too. I still feel like this is too low for me. Too low? Turn that up, because this is plenty. Number three? You got plenty of juice. Am I free? Maybe I'm number four.

Maybe I'm not sure. Yeah, man. Oh, that's so much better. Yeah, I like that. No, I took a vow to this country just for the fucking record for anybody listening. 1994, I swore allegiance to the United States of America, April 1st, 1994. And I renounced my Canadian citizenship. What?

For the record. Okay. You're an outsider. You're not welcome here. You should go home. Did you take a pledge to America? Born here, citizen. Look.

Boom. Not lucky enough. Hey, what's that? Who's that guy that I like? The fat guy was like, let's get a goddamn snack. Rex Ryan. Fuck, I love it. What's up with Rex Ryan?

Sexy record. He's still coaching the Jets. They're a fucking disaster, but he's still coaching them. They're a disaster. Well, you know, they had a lot of, they've had a lot of press that has nothing to do with, I mean, I shouldn't say it has nothing to do. They, they need a lot of stuff to happen for them to get better. I mean, they had their best player.

They traded away because he was jaded and a diva basically and wanted a new contract and they were like, just enough with you. So they traded him to Tampa Bay. So he's gone. Well, he's going to die one day too. He'll definitely die. Um, they, they got rid of their side show athlete, uh, Tim Tebow. I've heard of this gentleman.

Yes. Tim, uh, doesn't really, doesn't play, but he is a huge star, you know, into the press and the media. What does he do? They released him. He creates drama. Is he, is he flashy and stuff? He, no, he's not flat.

What he is is, um, he's, he was, he's one of the best college football players of all time. Okay. And he was extremely dominant in college, but he's no Peyton Manning or Eli Manning because I hear their name a lot. Okay. So anyways, he got drafted. He got traded.

He got trade. Uh, yeah, he got traded from Denver where he did win a few games. He was a backup and then he won a few games. Then they got a new coach. Then they got Peyton Manning, who you know, manning, so they're like, get rid of this fucking bushly gas hole. They traded him to the jets. We're like, you're a second string or third string quarterback, meaning you're not, you're

not playing, but we, Wait a minute. Before we go any further, Tim Tebow, it sounds like he's a white guy. Is that a white guy's name? He's very white. Yes. Okay. Just, just,

Um, but Tim comes with, um, a lot of, uh, how should I say, um, soapbox, uh, speeches about the Lord and Savior. Oh, Jesus. He's, um, he's very, very much everything is Jesus, this and Jesus that and, uh, which a lot of athletes are, but he's more prominent because he was such a, he was so successful in college. He won the Heisman trophy. He won multiple national championships.

Um, and he was like, you know, he was who middle America goes. Yes. That's what we want our superstar athletes to be. Quarterback, clean cut, virgin, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh, did missionary trips, you know, like on big, when his teammates were going, spring break, get my dick suck. He was like, I'm going to the Philippines to build a house for somebody. Yeah. Oh, what a nerd.

Okay. So he's a big, he's a big nerd. He's a fucking nerd alert. Yeah. Well, this guy doesn't enjoy life as an Eastern blocker. He's not enjoying his life. No. He's going to die one day.

He's doing the opposite. What he's doing to anybody that's paying attention and I'm sure to women, he's making their pussies. He's eating cornbread. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He needs to enjoy himself because it ain't going to last for much longer.

It's already over. Oh, his career is over. Well, I mean, somebody maybe will scoop him up because of, he's a guy that sells tickets. Like he's, he's the equivalent of like a bad headliner who was on a big television show. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. There's a few of those.

He doesn't have the tools to play in the NFL. He doesn't have the skills to pay the bills, is what you're saying. No, he does not. He is not cut out for the NFL, but he's a believer. He's a hard worker. He is a good teammate. Everybody says that all the positives about him, he just doesn't have the skills to pay the bills like you said.

Okay. And he's not, you know, he's not getting his dick sucked either. That's the, dude, why becoming an athlete? Like, isn't that the reason you become an athlete is to get your dick sucked to go to the street club, to make it rain dollars on hoes, to buy gold chains. You got to get your chain with your fucking initials on it. Speaking of dicks and getting them sucked and being an athlete this week, the first major American athlete within the mid, we call it the big four.

We have four. And by the way, I recognize one of the things sports center, I don't understand what's happening already. I'll set it up. Manning, Ilay Manning, Peyton Manning. That's all I hear on sports center when you watch it. Okay. First of all, I don't understand the sports center.

You've watched the game for five hours and now it's five white guys and one token black guy at a desk talking about the game we just saw. That's not, that's not true. Peyton Manning, Ilay Manning, Peyton Manning, Ilay Manning. Okay. I'm sorry. You were in the middle of your thing. So there are four major American sports pretty much right now.

Yes. And I realized that one of the things that happened with the story this week is that a lot of people were like, this isn't the first major athlete to do this. There's other major athletes and they're right. Every country though focuses on their own sports and we're no different. If you go to Australia, they're going to focus on the Australian rules football team, rugby teams. All the rules football.

Absolutely. You go to India, Pakistan, it's going to be their cricket teams and if you go to, if you go to what's it called, if you go to Brazil, it's going to be soccer. Football. Absolutely. So it is true. But in the United States where we live, there are four major sports. They are football, the NFL, basketball, the NBA, hockey and baseball, NHL and MLB.

So among those, there's never been an active player who says that they're gay, retired players have, sometimes a couple of years after, sometimes 10, 20 years after. They don't say it while they're in the league. So that's a big deal. It's a big deal. But in tennis, it seems to be okay to be gay. Chris Everett Lloyd was a lesbian. Yeah.

What's her name? Was Arthur Ashe gay? No. No, he was not gay. You know what I mean? It seems like tennis is pretty liberal. Tennis there, they allow gayness. Let me set you up on this.

Nobody gives a fuck about tennis. Okay. All right. So back to the real world. So. Well, I watched tennis growing up. All right. Can we go back to the story?

I mean, I don't know why you're bringing up tennis right now. Like that's important to this story. I'm just pointing out there's gay people in tennis. I know that there are. Nobody gives a shit. We're talking about real athletes. American sports. I get it.

Is tennis not America? Yeah. Come on. Look, I'm sorry. I don't know a lot about sports. Go ahead. All right. So this week, Jason Collins, who's not a superstar, not a big name athlete.

But still a guy who's been in the NBA for 12 years. One of these guys who, to make it like a point for you. Okay. Not a guy you would know or see a highlights of if you're watching a sports center. But he's a guy who's, he's reliable enough to have a place on the team when the starting guy is tired or in foul trouble. They take that guy out. They might put Jason in for a quarter or something.

Okay. But most importantly, black or white. Black guy. Seven feet, 255 pounds. Okay. Big motherfucker. Okay. Okay.

So, so he gets called in when the going gets tough. He's a supporting role player. Okay. Okay. So he's been on a number of teams, been in playoff games, he's been in NBA Finals. Um, you know, he's a real pro athlete. So he, uh, in sports illustrated wrote an essay this week about being gay, openly gay. Being out, nobody knew except for like, uh, you know, a couple of friends, yes, a couple

of family members. Um, his boyfriend, I don't even know his boyfriend, I'm assuming he's been gay with somebody. Hopefully. Sure. But I'm saying there's no indication that he has a significant monogamous. Okay. No.

So he came out and, um, like the sports shows do one of the things that, well, first of all, I should say that one of the things that you picked up on, if you were following the story at all, was that overwhelming support for this guy. I mean, it's been pretty, it's really cool to see that as a society, we're at the point now where we really, uh, push somebody like that in the, like, in, in we elevate them and support them and say, we're proud of you for, right. And this is the NBA. This is basketball.

Yeah. This is probably the second most homophobic among locker rooms. I can't imagine what it's like to be, that's why people are so, I think, so supportive of this guy. Yeah. Like even if you don't, if you're not, let's say, uh, into this supportive of this, imagine how difficult it is to put yourself in his position. It's horrifying.

It's such a macho sport. Absolutely. The locker room is just a bunch of, a bunch of slap dicks as Rex Ryan says, and it's not cool to be gay. It's, I, for sure, I understand the culture pretty completely. It's not like tennis. You know what I mean? This is, and the thing is, if you're a guy and you've played on any sports team at any

level, you understand how, like, I mean, you know, for me, it's high school. So I'm not trying to say it's the same as the NBA, obviously, but you understand that like locker rooms and teams, they're not like, Oh, you're gay. That's cool. Right. They're, it's the opposite. You know, the language is always, um, either misogynistic or homophobic or sexist. And it's not necessarily, it's, it's a culture that, you know, it's, it's a culture that

breeds, be, be chauvinistic, be a pig, talk, at least talk like it. Talk shit. Yeah. Talk shit. And not necessarily, at least in the past, you know, be tolerant. I think now as a whole society, we've evolved to the point where people were so much more comfortable with different people and different sexual orientations than we were as kids, you know?

Right. We'd hope so. Oh yeah. I mean, you, you can tell as a whole it is, not everybody, but as a whole. So this, um, became huge new. I mean, everybody was, you know, like I said, that I saw that was a name, a notable name was supporting this guy. I mean, Kobe Bryant was like thumbs up, uh, support you and everybody else should like

he was, everybody was applauding him for being 34 and, and finally coming out. He's 34. 34 years old. Poor guy. So anyways, one of the things is that whenever this happens, like with any issue, you know, there's always the talking head shows. If it's, if it's something in the courtroom, they'll be on Nancy Gray's. What do you think of the position?

And then somebody's like, well, I think, you know, this is a slam dunk case for the, for the prosecution. Right. And if it's a, you know, if it's a medical issue, it's Sanjay Gupta and, um, you know, whatever, some other doctor, a little neurologically, this is a process of what we do. And then the other guy goes, I don't think that's something that we have the tools to do here. And sports, you know, this is a big sports story because it involves an NBA player.

So they have the talking heads come on that. One of the guys that came on is Chris Broussard, who is an NBA analyst. That's what he does is he's, he's the guy that talks, but just about basketball. Okay. They asked him his opinion on Jason Collins coming out and here's a clip of what he had to say. I'm a Christian. I don't agree with homosexuality.

I think as a sin, as I think all sex outside of marriage between a man and a woman is and LZ knows that he and I have played on basketball teams together for several years. We've gone out, had lunch together. We've had good conversations, good laughs together. He knows where I stand and I know where he stands. I don't, you know, criticize him. He doesn't criticize me and called me a bigot, called me ignorant, called me intolerant. And now I hear and talking to some people around the league, there are a lot of Christians

in the NBA and they don't want to be just because they disagree with that lifestyle. They don't want to be viewed and called bigoted and intolerant and things like that. And that's what LZ was getting at. Just like I may tolerate someone whose lifestyle I disagree with, he can tolerate my beliefs and he disagrees with my beliefs in my lifestyle, but true tolerance and acceptance is being able to handle that as mature adults and not criticize each other and call each other names. Personally, I don't believe that you can live an openly homosexual lifestyle or an openly pre-mortal sex between heterosexuals.

If you're openly living that type of lifestyle, then the Bible says you know them by their fruits. It says that, you know, that's a sin. And if you're openly living in unrepentant sin, whatever it may be, not just homosexuality, adultery, fornication, premarital sex between heterosexuals, whatever it may be, I believe that's walking an open rebellion to God and to Jesus Christ. So I would not characterize that person as a Christian because I don't think the Bible would characterize him as a Christian.

Hmm. Hmm. Boy, he's got, he has a problem with most of society. He doesn't. What he's doing. That's premarital sex. That, you know, you know what that is though, right? Of course, it's bullshit.

That's a bullshit line to not seem as homophobic as he is. That's known in the industry as some boo shit. Yeah. That's a lot of bullshit right there. I mean, and I gotta say, off the top, Chris Broussard. You, you make my place a drop. 100%. 100%.

There's a boo. I, uh, I engaged a number of people on Twitter today with the, I didn't engage them. I made a statement and then, um, I mean, I tagged him in it so he can, he could see what I thought of him, but, um, a lot of, I had a number, a lot of people, most people, um, agreed, some disagreed, um, some wrote cool things like, he's right. That is what it says. I like when, um, there's, there's, there's so much that there's so much meat in, in this.

I mean, first of all, I have to say his idea of, you know, true tolerance is tolerating each other like this. I don't think so, man. I really don't think that's what tolerance is. Here's what tolerance is to me. Okay. What, or what we need to do after hearing Chris Broussard speak, what we're, what you're saying is I'm an intolerant person.

Um, he says, I don't want to be characterized as that, but you are. And therefore now you need to, you can tolerate that I'm an intolerant person. That's essentially what he's saying. I'm not okay with people who choose this lifestyle and you should be okay with me not being okay with that. I think that's fine as long as you're not, um, the voice of a network or one of the premier voices of a league that, um, and you're the analyst that millions of people get to watch. We see you now as an intolerant person.

It is no different zero. There's no difference between his point of view on that and being like, Hey, you know what, um, I just, here's the thing. My point of view is that, uh, blacks should have, um, their own transportation and not be allowed on, uh, white public transportation, but that's just my point of view. I am, because in the Bible, it says, well, in the Bible, it says that you can have slaves and all I'm saying is that as a support, as a Christian, right? If you follow the Bible, um, you know, that you would understand what I'm saying.

And here's the thing. I do you want to call me a bigot and intolerant and it's just not true. I'm just saying that whites are better than blacks and that it's just ridiculous if you think I'm a bigot. I think what offends would have, I don't even like the word offend. I think what's really, really horseshit is when Christians kind of, uh, declare what it means to be a Christian for all Christians. I couldn't agree with you.

Yeah. Like, listen, uh, whatever this lunatic nut bag thinks, uh, clearly I don't agree with his views, but don't tell, uh, there are Christians out there. They're extremely tolerant of gay people. There are Christian churches that have gay pastors and allow gay people in. So don't fucking speak on behalf of all, and he's telling that guy. He's not a Christian. Do you think that that's cool?

Right. He's telling the guy. I, the reason he said that is because Jason Collins, the guy that came out was like, I'm a Christian and he's telling him you're not a Christian. Well, I'm pretty sure Jesus Christ himself said it tolerate everybody unless they're gay. That's in the, there's a quote. Love, love everybody unless they're gay.

And, um, the people, you know, they throw around, well, here's what it says in the Bibles and they, he's manipulating the language of the Bible. Doesn't quote anything except you'll know them by their fruits. Yeah. Which by the way, what, cantaloupe, grapefruits? Delicious. I like Mallon. All kinds.

He's saying that shit. I feel like it's just, it's, it's a gross manipulation of the Bible and, and, you know, he's been taught intolerance. I get that. He's been taught to not accept a group of people, uh, and I'm sure, I'm sure by the way, he feels very strongly about all the premarital sex too. Oh, I'm sure he never did that. Not only that, as an NBA analyst, we all know that the NBA players never slang that

dick around. And I'm sure that he'll come out against those as a Christian and tell them that they're not true Christians. Exactly. And he's the only one without sin. I like how he's pointing out that every, this guy's living in open rebellion. Yeah. Every marital sex and impertinent dain in the fruit, did they say, oh, like he doesn't

do shit wrong. Of course. Like he's without sin himself. And it's also interesting to me that he, he's quick to point out, you know, the thing that he doesn't want to be called, like he, he sets it up. Like I don't want to be considered, you know, people will say that I'm ignorant or, or bigoted or intolerant. Yes.

And it's, it's all the things that he knows he's being. Yeah. I agree. You're being intolerant and bigoted. And, and listen, I get it. All right. Freedom of speech in this country. Yeah.

I'm not against him saying it. I totally get it. And, uh, listen guys, as I've said on stage, I spent two whole weeks in law school. That's why I'm qualified to speak on this. Huge. That's huge. 168 on my LSAT. Thank you very much.

Uh, and I'll tell you what, the only reason I'm kind of opposed to this kind of stuff is because it does border on hate speech, which is inciting, not violence, but he is kind of mix and shit against a group of people for no good reason. Okay. So this does border. And you're right. If it's somebody that's in the public eye, he's an announcer, he's on, I'm sure it's just on Fox, this, this asshole.

This is ESPN. Okay. Well, if it were on Fox, I wouldn't be surprised, but it does border on irrational fucking hate speech, like inciting violence or inciting hatred towards a group for no fucking good reason. It's not Christian. It's, there's one thing that's definitely not Christian. It's not a Christian way of being.

If you're going to tout Christianity and be like, well, the thing, you know, one of my main defining characteristics is how Christian I am. It's not to go out and publicly say, um, by the way, I'm not tolerant of this. I mean, I'm, where's, there's such, I guess what it has me upset is the lack of empathy, you know, in, in like, you know, that a guy like I'm sure has been through real shit already. Wait, wait, wait, but he said in the beginning, remember, he goes, we've, we've had some laughs together. Oh, and that's, he's, here's the thing.

That's my favorite part. He's not talking about that guy. He's talking about LC. LZ. Who's LZ? LZ is another, is the other commentator, the other side of the opinion. He's gay. So there's a back and forth.

He's setting it up as me and the gay dude are cool. How, but how could you be really? How could, how could you sit down with somebody? Let's say I hate Puerto Ricans, which we know to be notably false. Let's say I have a Puerto Rican friend. We sit down. We have great laughs every day, but you know, I hate Puerto Ricans, right? Cause there's no fucking way you could be friends with somebody and hate them, who

they are. They're not friends. That's crazy. They're not friends at all. Of course. Like he's full of shit. LZ. Crazy.

LZ for work purposes, probably just tolerates this guy. Yeah. Yeah. He tolerates Chris Broussard and is like, well, you know what, I know you're a homophobic piece of shit, but I also know that we work in the same building. So yeah, I'll play basketball with you. You know what? You know what though?

And I know a lot of people are like, oh, this is not, it really is a civil rights movement. This has become. It is. Yeah. But a lot of people don't think it is. And I think you have to remember that these poor gay dudes couldn't be out and couldn't, and you get bashed growing up, you've been physically hurt just because of your sexual orientation.

Yeah. It's devastating. Look, I mean, and I want to point this out. People, a lot of times, like to us, you know, to me on Twitter or whatever, they'll bring up things that like we've said. And I'm like, are you seriously comparing jokes that a comedian says or, you know, bits that we do where we sell, you know, a certain way of talking? Like that's, that's a bit that we're doing, you know, like you can't compare what somebody

saying is their true point of view. Oh, right. It's not true. It's in the line. It's known. It's in the venue of parody. It's in the venue of comedy. Well, it's the context.

It's never real. You have to, you can't take, like, you can't take things out of my act or things that we do as a bit on this show and be like, what about that shit? What about it? It's comedy. But it's under the label of comedy. Of course. It's like watching Saturday Night Live.

You know, it's not real. I'm just at the point now where I really am, I'm really at the point now where I'm baffled by anybody that doesn't have tolerance for gays and lesbians. It just faffles me. Weird. I really am. I know. Like this is, it is a civil rights thing and you sound, if you agree with not being tolerant

of gays and lesbians, just you, you sound like the same buffoons that we saw, we see now on clips in the 40s and 50s and 60s who were like, well, as long as they drank out of their own water fountain, then everybody's like, that's what you sound like. And if you don't see that, you're going to get a really rude awakening really soon. It's really crazy. It is crazy. I know. And especially over something as silly as Dick Sucking and Sodom and that's really, you

know, Brian Keith Ethridge, a good friend of ours, has a great bit about it, about, if you hate Dick Suckers, because that's all this boils down to is Dick Sucking and Sodomy. Well guess what? Your mother sucks dicks. And not only that, your grandmother sucks dicks. Your sister sucks dicks. Everybody sucks a dick. And I don't understand what the big deal is about sucking dicks and putting dicks in

assholes. Who gives a shit? I know. The guys out there are having anal sex with their girlfriends. Big whoopee-doo. It's true. What's the fear? You fear that your country's going to be overrun by the gays?

Can I tell you? It's not going to happen. Don't worry about it. And also historically, by the way, no society has ever flourished with intolerance as its policies. Look at history. Look at the Berlin Wall. How did that work?

Keeping people from East and West separated. It never works, people. It never goddamn works. You cannot build a society on intolerance. I've always viewed to the people who have an issue with gays and lesbians, the way to really break down the difference between gays and lesbians and straight people. This sounds very crude, but I really think this is a very accurate way of explaining it.

The difference between them and you is only that there's a difference in what gets their dick hard. Right. It's sucking dicks, putting dicks in buttholes, or licking vaginas. There's nothing. We all do it. But I'm saying even within the straight world, like some guy, he can't get a dick hard without getting spanked or getting his nuts tied up and being told he's a bad student and getting

spanked by the nun or whatever. That's what gets him off. Another guy wants to get pissed on. I'm saying there's... You can't help but biologically turns you on. It's a degree, a variation of a degree, and then that's what you're saying because it's a little over to the left of what gets you excited, that person shouldn't have certain rights.

That sounds a little nutty, doesn't it? Yeah, that's fucking stupid. Well, here's the rest of this story. The guy obviously got hammered by a lot of people. He got support from people, of course, too, but then he got a lot of criticism. And ESPN, who employs him, came out and said that it regrets the distraction caused by one of its reporters, Chris Broussard, who said that, yeah, it was walking an open rebellion to God and to Jesus Christ.

Open rebellion. So he's saying that the gays are an open rebellion. But doesn't that sound a little like we got to take these gays down? You know what I'm saying? If somebody's living in open rebellion, that sounds to me like he's inciting almost like, well, let's teach these fags a lesson. I think it's hateful speech. I think it borders on it.

It borders on it. And also, it's totally not in line with somebody being born that way. He's not obviously accepting of that. Yeah, that's another discussion. He's never going to see it that way. The network offered, here's what ESPN said, ESPN is fully committed to diversity and welcomes Jason Collins announcement. So basically, they don't, you know, that's what they had to say about it.

But here's what's interesting, ESPN has fired a guy before, who I'm going to show you what he said, and then another guy resigned, but under pressure of being fired. And these are two other incidents, okay? So I want you to tell me what you think of these other incidents and how they may relate to this issue, okay? So about a year and change ago, let's see, yeah, 2012, RG3, Robert Griffin III. Was asked how, what it's like being a black quarterback, he's a football player quarterback for Washington Redskins.

This is what he had to say. Whenever you can relate to the population of the team that you play for, I think it makes it that much more special. I don't play too much into the color game because I don't want to be the best African-American quarterback. I want to be the best quarterback. But to the fans and the fans who think that way, look at me as African-American, it's important that I succeed, not only for them, for this team, but for them, because he gives

them motivation. They say, hey, you know, an African-American went out and played quarterback for my Washington Redskins, and I appreciate that. I don't ever downplay anything like that. So when that came out in another talking head thing, where they go, let's discuss this, a guy named Rob Parker, who worked for ESPN, had this to say, he's black, by the way. This is an interesting topic, but for me, personally, just me, this throws up a red flag when I keep hearing, and I don't know who's asking the questions, but we've heard

a couple of times now of a black guy kind of distancing himself away from black people. I understand the whole story of, I just want to be the best, nobody's out on the field saying to themselves, I want to be the best black quarterback, you're just playing football, right? You just want to be the best, you want to throw the most touchdowns and have the most yards and win the most games. Nobody is doing that. But time and time, we keep hearing this, so it just makes me wonder deeper about him.

And I talk to some people down in Washington, D.C., and my question, honest friends of minds, who are around in some of the press conferences, people I've known for a long time. My question, which is just a straight honest question, is he a brother or is he a cornball brother? What does that mean? Explain that. Well, he's not really, okay, he's black, he kind of does the thing, but he's not really

down with the cause, he's not one of us. He's kind of black, but he's not really like the guy you really want to hang out with because he's off to something else. Why is that your question? Well, because that's just how I want to find out about him. I don't know because I keep hearing these things. We all know he has a white fiance, and it was all just talking about he's a Republican, which there's no information at all.

I'm just trying to dig deeper into why he has an issue because we did find out with Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods was like, I don't want to, I got black skin, but don't call me black. So people got a little wondered about Tiger Woods early on about him. What do you RG3s bring? Gone, they fired him for that. They suspended him for 30 days, and then they fired him. But it's interesting because when race comes up, that's immediate.

But do you know why? It's only because the discussion, I think, the discussion on race in our country is further evolved. Of course. And now we go, well, who's fucking business is it? How black or how brother or cornball brother this guy is, whether or not he dates a white, who gives a fuck now? And that's because we had to evolve our dialogue on race.

And right now, the dialogue on gays is still a lot of this country agrees with what Chris Broussard says. That's the truth. That is the truth. Is that it's not so offensive, quote, unquote, to Americans because we're not evolved yet to believe that this is truly offensive, which it is if you're on it, but it's not there yet. Yeah, you hit it out of the park.

America is fucking high-fiving themselves watching TV as Chris Broussard says his goddamn nonsense. But in 10 years, we're going to go, can you believe that fucking guy called him an abomination, a fucking open rebellion to Jesus? I mean, it's nuts. Just to give you one more. Yeah, I love this shit. This is a departure for your mom's house. We're getting fired up today.

Well, you know, who cares, right? You can do whatever you want. No, I like it. I think it's about time we get fired up in this bitch. Then we can talk about our week. Then taking shits, go back to that. So this was Rush Limbaugh. Oh, Rush.

ESPN had the great idea to bring Rush Limbaugh. He's still around into ESPN's football coverage in studio. And that went on for three weeks, this, I believe, being the last week. I've listened to all of you guys, actually, and I think there's some total of what you're all saying is that Donovan McNabb is regressing. He's going backwards. And my, I'm sorry to say this, I don't think he's been that good from the get-go. I think what we've had here is a little social concern in the NFL.

I think the media has been very desirous that a black quarterback do well. We're interested in black coaches and black quarterbacks doing well. I think there is a little hope invested in McNabb, and he got a lot of credit for the performance of this team that he really didn't deserve. But Rush, Rush, Rush. Rush carried this team. But Rush, somebody went to those championship games, somebody went to those probos, somebody made those plays that I saw running down the field, doing it with his legs, doing it with

his arm. He has been a very effective quarterback for this football team over the last two or three years. Yeah, but different than what we see right now, and they didn't have any more talent than they have now. Oh, yeah, they have now. On defense. On defense, they did.

On defense, they did. On defense, they did. On defense, they did. And he got a lot of credit for the defensive side of the ball winning games for this team. But I'll tell you what, I'll say it even more strongly, Tom. When they're winning, nobody makes more plays with his arm than Donovan McNabb. That guy is really one of the best in the league at making plays. But making plays is not when championships, running the offense does.

So at some point, I think, the boy, Detmer, looks like a better option because he'll go into it. He'll go in there, drop back, and throw it back correctly. He did odd that last year with the broken leg, I know it was Arizona, but the one game he was in the pie looked great. He had to run that off. So Rush, once you make that investment, though, once you make that investment in him, that's a done deal.

I'm saying it's a good investment. Don't misunderstand. I just don't think he's as good as everybody said he has been. And then he resigned from this post. For the, basically, the suggestion was, I mean, it was ludicrous. I mean, well, some people agree with it, but I think most people thought it was ludicrous that Donovan McNabb, who I know you don't know, is a black quarterback and he was saying the media is desiring that a black quarterback succeed.

Oh, boy. So people were like, okay, asshole, hit the bricks, and so he was gone. Yeah, hit the bricks. Rush Limbaugh hit the bricks. Yeah. That's a name guy. Rush Limbaugh, if you are into anything that Rush Limbaugh says, you make my pussy dry. You make our pussy dry, for sure.

Are you right? I'm a right. Big time. Rush, but you know, I gotta believe that these guys, these Rush Limbaugh's, these Dr. Laura's, what's that other blonde broad who hates women, Republican Dr. Laura? Come on, though. She's always on. Oh, Ann Coulter?

Yeah. Oh my God. Like these nut jobs, you gotta know. The extremes are always bad. But you gotta know. Yeah. It's showbiz. And these people are pumping up their dumb beliefs to be more, it's more showy that way,

to be that crazy. Yeah. I don't even think they believe their own nonsense. Do you really think? There's no way. You can't be a rational human being. I think most of them, they know what they're doing. They know they're selling books and selling, you know.

That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're selling a ridiculous position to rally people around. Well. Stupid Rush Limbaugh. Fucking really hard. Big hypocrite that he is. Do you have a feeling that you'd like to share on this?

Please don't. Don't let us know. Keep it to yourself, please. We told you how we feel. Yeah. I mean, look, it's a sad issue that it's still not there yet, man. Yeah, I know. We'll get there eventually.

Here's the thing too, guys. You can't stop society from progressing. You know? Of course not. And some people try to stop science. They try to reason. They try to stop evolution. You can only damage it.

Well, evolution's not real. Well, that too. You can only damage things momentarily. And then guess what? The gays are going to marry. The blacks are going to marry whites. Of course. It's all going to happen.

That was another one that was a big issue in this country, by the way. Huge. And I like when, by the way, the people that are who won't agree with us will get behind the idea that these are far different things and this is nothing, you know, these are totally different issues. But they're not. I'll talk to a gay person. Yeah.

Go ahead and talk to the gay uncle that you have, your gay friend. Maybe if you live in a small town, go talk to that gay kid and see how he or she feels being completely ostracized, having to hide who he or she is because of fear of having the shit beaten out of them. Being called a faggot or whatever it is. Go ahead. Talk to that kid. Yeah.

Because it fucking sucks for them. Absolutely. Damn it. Go get your life. Get your life. Just know this about your mom's house. This is a tolerant place. All right.

Sure. We are welcome. Open arms to all. And we make fun of shit with the dudes. Everything. We make fun of everything. Everything. There's no hate.

It's all, it's all in love. Never hate. It's always love guys. Yeah. So if you think that if you ever take anything that's come out of here as anything but love, I'm sorry. You're wrong. This is a loving place.

That's right. Juice. Juice. Get, try me. Get, get your juice. Try me. Fucking faggot. And you could fucking try me, fatso.

Can I tell you something amazing happened to me? What happened? I did this thing in Austin, this festival, and I got to hang out with one of my comedy heroes. Oh yeah. Yeah. Tell me. Tell me.

Yeah. We actually didn't get to talk about this, so. No. This is why I'm so fired up. Yeah. I never drink green tea, but it's pretty interesting. But I got, dude, I got to fucking meet and hang out with Janine Garofalo, who like I grew up with when I was like 13.

She was like a grown up. I want to say that. I loved her growing up. When you, when I started, you know, not even before we were dating, even when I was just friends with you as stand-ups, I want to say that you mentioned admiring her as a comic back then. Really? I want to say that you did.

You know what I mean? I, she was one of the few female that you saw that was like, she dressed all dumpy and she was dark and I just loved her and I got to like talk to her and hang out and she was so nice. Yeah. You know, that's, that's also the bonus is when your, your idols, your heroes are kind and fun. It changes everything.

It changes everything. I say that, that experience alone was like, it just made my year. It was so much fun. On the personal level, it's all, it always trumps how funny they are. Oh, for sure. Yeah. If you go, that guy was hysterical and then you're like, it's kind of a dick. You're like, fuck that guy.

It's gone. Then you hate that person forever. Yeah. It's so true. It's so true. But then you meet someone who you admire and they're kind. It's like, oh, like Phyllis Diller was like that. She was super sweet and kind, classy.

A lot of people are like that. Yeah. Diller was. She wrote you a letter. You want me a letter? That's right. Have I met any heroes? Who's your hero?

Who would you want to meet? I know. I know who I want to meet more than anybody. Oh. Chris Rock. I'd want to meet more than anybody. Yeah. We don't get to see him around.

He's too big. Like you see Louis CK every now and then in the comedy store, you'll see Bill Burt. Well, rocks popped in by the at the store. I've never heard of that. He's popped in at the store for sure. I know. I know people who say, but I've seen him. I've seen him pop in at Melrose before the improv and I have it's one of my favorite.

I know. I remember that everything's so vividly. He pulled up. He pulled up. I was on the 10 o'clock show. Okay. And the eight o'clock show was ending. It was 9.50.

Chris Rock pulled up in a like a Porsche parked in front of the improv, didn't like, you know, like directly in front, like in the loading zone. I was inside. So, you know, I see him walk in and I'm like, holy shit. Yeah. That's Chris Rock. That's the man. So it's packed.

The place is packed. You know, when you know how that improv, they just, they're read. They just redid it. So I know. I saw the whole new way. The old way was that bar with the stairs and all that up front. Right. And you walk through the hallway.

So I see Bob, who's no longer there, but Bob was working at the, he was the manager at the time. He's on the stairs. He's like halfway up the stairs and he sees Chris and he goes, Oh, hey, Chris, um, uh, yeah, are you going to do a spot? And he's like, yeah. And he goes, uh, so we're just ending the show. Could you just wait, uh, to the 10 o'clock and Chris Rock goes, nah.

And he goes, please, we're just about to wrap this up. And Chris Rock goes, nah. And then he just walks. He's like, and you're not going to say shit to him. That's the best part. And I love that I got to witness that. I love it so much. And I was just ear to ear smiles, you know, and he just starts walking towards the showroom

completely blew off Bob and he walks into the showroom. I follow him. Of course. Of course. I'm standing like right behind. Absolutely. Acting like I don't even know who I'm not even noticing yet. So he's, he walks in there and the host, um, is about to, or whoever's on stage, he lets

them do their time when whoever's on stage says good night, they're like, thank you. The host who I think was a flip Schultz starts walking towards the stage because, you know, he knows it's time to go up and Chris Rock taps him on the shoulder, taps him on the shoulder, flip turns around like who's tapping on the shoulder and Chris doesn't stop. He just walks past him. So flip looks like, oh my God. And then he gets the hint like, oh, just let him walk up. As he's walking up the stairs, hit the stage, the entire room stands up for a standing ovation.

Oh my God. It's packed. Sure. Right. But, but, I mean, to start your set that way. So he, um, he goes up there and he just, uh, he doesn't do anything like he doesn't, uh, you know, I'm going to do 45. He does like 10, 12 minutes.

It's classy. Um, and it's all shit. You could tell that he's like, it's not like, you know, tried and true. Right. He just is riffing. Trying it out. He had just gotten back from South Africa. He was talking about that and talking about meeting Nelson Mandela.

I'll still, I still remember he said, um, uh, I got to meet Nelson Mandela and, uh, my impression or no, yeah, my, no, my opinion of Nelson Mandela went down, uh, immediately because Nelson Mandela was willing to meet me. Oh, that's funny. I thought that was really funny. That's really funny. And he's like, I don't know what the fuck to talk about Nelson Mandela. He's like, what do you say?

Hey man, this new video iPod sucks. Yeah. That's what he said. Yeah. I, to me though, I was just pure joy ear to ear, like in the best, isn't it? Yeah. Absolutely. It was awesome.

Can I tell you, I didn't even fucking meet him. I know. You will though. You'll hang out with him eventually in comedy. What did you guys talk about? Can I tell you? It was so cool. So I, I went to get a cheeseburger and I'll, I come back to the green room.

We're doing like a festival shows. There's like six or seven comics, like female comics. It's a girl show. Yeah. And I come back to my green room, engine grove was just sitting in there. Act cool. You know what I mean? We were like, what's up?

Wow. It's just knee grove low. Yeah. My adolescent hero. No big deal. What's up, JG? What's up, JG? Yeah.

It's all that's right. And I fucking, I sit down and I start to eat my cheeseburger. Yeah. And then she's like, oh hi, I'm Janine. I was like, oh yeah. Who? What do you want? And I shake her hand.

And then we talk about all kinds of nonsense. I brought up Dr. Laura. So we talk about whatever feminism and then I, I left my trash on the table. This is my favorite. I just leave some trash behind. I throw away the cheeseburger, but I leave like napkins. Yeah. She scolds me.

She's like, God damn it, Christina, don't you clean up after yourself. And I was like, oh my God, Janine Graffle is scolding me. And you're happy. And she cleaned up my trash for me. Oh, that's nice. And I was like, oh, you're the coolest. And can I tell you what she did or did not do? Because that was a lineup of all female comics.

Yeah. She came just to hang out in the green room. We're like, hey, do you want to cut in and do a spot? She's like, no. She didn't even want. She's like, I'm not that person. And I'm like, that's fucking class. I'm like, you're Chris Rock story.

Chris Rock demands stage time. Well, but you know what? Like, no, but he only did 10 or 15. If he had done an hour and a half, I'd be like, that fucking sucks. But here's the thing though. Is that that was a festival. So that's the thing to hang out. This was it's like, if you're that level and you're driving around and you feel

like doing 10, you stop where you want. I'm just kidding. No, but the next night she had a theater show and I got to sneak in. It was packed, you said, right? This woman has a following. Like I was there for Mark Maron's podcast the night before. Yeah, it was full. Uh-uh.

She didn't grow off of those audience. It was like packed. And every time she stopped talking, they were just like, I love you. A guy ran up to the stage in the middle of her bit and hugged her and was like, I love you. I mean, it's just the love from her fan base is, it's unbelievable. It's so, it's rare. And I've, I've only ever seen that with like the old, like Joan Rivers has that kind

of a following. Yeah. It's a very rare thing. I feel like we're going to get that in Portland from our fans. God, I hope so. I feel like we're going to get that port. I feel like we're going to get its second show, the 1030 show. Oh, I hope man.

The one that's on sale now. Oh, I hope. 1030 at the Fun House. I can only. Can I say that she looks really good too. Exactly as she did in her 20s when she was doing those movies. I feel like was it, was it Bert that said he had used to have a crush on her or something? Who hasn't had a crush, a crush on Janine Graffle?

I have a crush on you. I want you to know that I love you and I love Heineken and I want to have babies with you. Who is Bert's crush? Do you think celebrity crush besides his wife, Leanne, crush her? Besides Janine. Janine kind of has a Leanne thing, huh? How do you say that? Yeah, they're brunettes.

They're smart. Glasses. Glasses. Yep. They're like, ah, Bert. She's precious. Would you imagine? I didn't want to say it out loud.

Bad thought. Like having to do it with Bert. She's a saint. She's a saint. I know. That woman's a saint on so many levels. But do you think he can get serious? I don't.

I was really, I was thinking, I was looking in your eyes and I was like. Is he a mouth cleaner? Do you think she's like, uh, Bert, you think he could close your mouth? Well, I was going to give you a kiss, so I was wondering if I could start with my mouth open. I can't even imagine. Jesus. Oh, wow.

That big ape. Who can you not picture doing it, like of our comedian friends? Besides Bert. There's so many people I can't. I can't picture, um, Ari with a woman. What'd you do that? No way. Ari?

No, I'm just kidding. Ari's. I can't see Ari doing it. He closes the deal a lot. Yeah. He throws around? Definitely. Um, all those guys do, um, let's see.

Well, how about red band or fucking stupid son? He does thinking of our son. Yeah. You know what? He's such the whore whisperer. Yeah. I was thinking about where we were hanging out somewhere and, um, we were hanging out somewhere. I think we were at the ice house and, um, and I remember like he had, he'd gone on

stage and we were out on that patio out front and, um, some whore, like some clearly broken whore. Yeah. Walked up and she was like, Hey, I think you're hysterical. I was like, Jesus. It's like the broken whore knew. They love him. They knew.

They knew exactly who he was. He's like St. Francis preaching to the birds and they all come to him. Broken souls. Yeah. Yeah. They do. I know. But God bless them because they need somebody.

Yeah. Everybody needs something. And he needs them to feel fulfilled and to go to Olive Garden with a butthole Olive Garden for sure. And he gets these little fucking broken girls and you, you, you look at it and you're like, but then, you know, it goes, it goes in there. It sounds like, it sounds like you eating your pasta last night. Babe.

Is that how you ate it? I didn't eat pasta like that. How was my fart last night? Oh, God, dammit. You know why I made poop soup? That's why. And I ate it for two days in a row and I came off the roof. That minus is relax to you, Pat.

Oh, that was terrible. Did you like that? You actually had to light four matches. There is a cut on minus. That was, that was one of the worst farts you've ever let. Ever in the history of my marriage. Ever, ever, ever. Yeah.

I mean, let's see. It was after dinner. You had, you had lamb or something, right? No, I had veal. Veal. We're going to have some letters about that. Some letters about that. Here's what happens.

I got a little upset. We went to this Italian restaurant last night. Oh, it was a Northern Italian Sicilian joint. Stupid waiter. Stupid waiter. He goes, well, here's what happened. We sit down and I'm like, where the fuck are the checkered table cloth? Where is my bread basket?

Where's the marinara? And I asked the waiter cause I'm, I'm fucking white trash. I like my marinara. And he goes, Oh, there's not this kind of Italian restaurant. He's a leg dead. We don't have marinara because we're from the Northern Italy. We're from Sicily, he says. Really?

It's not even, it's not the same place yet. Moron. You're dope. Try me, fatso. You fucking asshole. You fucking dumb shit. You can fucking try me, fatso. I tried ordering.

There's fucking, there's stupid veal without marinara. You know, you have to have marinara to have Italian food. It doesn't count if there's no fucking tomatoes on it. So mad. You're still angry at it. I gotta tell you, I was angry at your anger and I was hurt. Cause I really was trying to do something sweet for you. I know baby.

I know. But I gotta tell you, it was really good. The food was good. It was good food. I think the Olive Garden may have more flavor. You're talking about, but here's the truth. I like white track, but I like trashy shit food. That's what upset me is that you weren't,

we had that, the, the calamari that wasn't fried. It was sauteed. That's the problem. And it was delicious. You said it was good. It didn't taste like, I like it. Then tastes like ribs and ranch. Right.

I like, where's the ranch? Where's the marinara? The marinara. The truth is this was a Northern Italian. But that, that was the truth retard through in Sicily, which is at the very, very south. This is a Northern Italian place. Our food is more Northern Italian, like, you know, Sicily.

You could fucking try me fast though. I know, but I like trashy stuff. I like breadsticks with cheese. This is a Northern Californian restaurant, more of the San Diego field. And my favorite is he puts down a knife in front of me and he goes, be careful, man. This knife is sharp.

You should have gone, I'm a dumb cunt. I don't know how to use knife. Fucking should have done. Pick it up and stab him in his goddamn aorta and go, this isn't sharp enough, fatso. You had so much anger at not having marinara and meatballs. Can I tell you why I was really mad? It wasn't that there wasn't marinara,

it was that he scoffed at. He went, you dumb bitch. It was if to say, how stupid are you? You don't know this is the fancy Italian white trash whore. It was different Italian. It really was regional. But he was shitty to me. He was elitist about my desire,

from marinara. And he goes, at the end, he goes, this is a chocolate fluffy, you know what it was? A fucking brownie. It was a brownie with a little bit of ice cream on it and he said some fancy shit. No, it was a brownie. It's called a brownie in America, you asshole.

You fucking fuck fuck. I gotta tell you something. The dog needs to shit. He's circling. Is he? Oh, he got a shit. All right, let's stop. We'll come back.

We're back. I'm eating my cheese snack. Fufi went poo poo and pee pee. Oh, poo poo and pee pee. Good job, buddy. Good job, man. He's so cute. He's looking up at me.

He had your tail wagging. Okay, you can come here. I'll give you love. Come here, buddy. Oh, the thief's groans. Hi. Careful with your cables. I know.

He tore the mic. He's sniffing the microphone. Hi, boo boo. Because he smells you on it. You smell your mommy. I love you. Fufi was growling at other doggies today. Yeah, what's up with that?

I don't know, he's getting a little aggressive. He's a little sheltered, maybe. He likes to get up on tables, by the way, just so you know. He does. That's a new one. Yeah. You know, he's recovering every week. He gets stronger and better.

And he's also becoming more of a dog. And he's every week, something new. We learned about Fief that we didn't know about Fief. Like now he's growling at dogs. Last week, he wasn't doing that. Scary, man. Right, buddy? You're going to love having him on the road.

I took him on the road two weeks, everybody. Two weeks on the road with me. I had him in Orlando. Some people got to meet him in Orlando that stayed late on Saturday night. I showed him Fiefo. Orlando was the shit. Did I already say this on the show?

I don't think you did, buddy. Dude, I'm really surprised at how good. This is three times I've been there now. And shows are always great in Orlando. It's good, isn't it? It's really awesome. Yeah. Good genes.

A lot of mommies? A lot of mommies. Even the ones that come out that aren't there, that don't know, they're just good. They're a good audience. That's awesome. Yeah. Very impressed with the Orlando improv just as a whole.

It really surprised me how good. I would say that's one of the better clubs right now. Oh, okay. I'm going to be there in January. January of 2014. 2014. And you can pull it out and show it to them and make them, you know. Dick, I'll make you slap somebody in the face.

Make them slap themselves in the face with your dick. Okay. Yeah. So Orlando, very impressed. Now he wants to go down. Of course. Very impressed. Thank you for coming out, everybody that was in Orlando.

Little doggy. Yeah. I'm very excited about this weekend in Toronto. It is time to fill her up and seal her shut. Well, you guys, in honor of Jason Collins coming out and Chris Broussard wanting to come out. I figure we should do a gay addition, which we haven't done yet. How have we not done a filler up seal or shut fully gay style? I don't know, but I'm really excited you guys.

Huh. All right. We're the dudes out. Here we go. So first up for the ladies. Martina, natural, I don't know. Martina Navratilova. Navratilova or Billie Jean King.

So you went to tennis and you went to old school. Lesbians. I'll let you as the woman answer first. Well, here's the thing because they're very famous, by the way. You picked very famous. Very famous. Listen, if I learned anything from the iron rand one that week. Yeah.

Nobody knows obscure. Right. And they're not going to look it up. They're not going to look it up. So we may as well pick people that are well known. Yeah. And you know, tennis. I like tennis.

You do like tennis. Billie Jean King. She's old school. I looked her up. I'm going to go. I'm going to go on aesthetics only on this one. It's a, you know, didn't we get a lesson from somebody? I know.

I have the audio and I don't want to, I don't want to spoil. You know what? Let's not, let's not reference it. We'll do it on the next. Okay. Fuck, man. I'm going to go Martina. Martina Navratilova.

Aesthetically pleasing. She's made some cameo appearances and films and such. Yeah. I like her competitive edge. Yeah. Billie Jean's a little too serious for me. I feel like too competitive for me. I feel like, well, I'm going to tell you, Martina is no slouch when it comes to being competitive.

I know. Let me look at her face. Hold on. I got to Google. Yeah. Now I might even allow to fill her up because she's not into dudes, right? So it's okay still. No, you have to lick her up.

Lick her up and lick her shut. Yeah. I want to munch on that clam box and. Okay. I like blondes. I like blondes too. Nice. Yeah.

I like Eastern Europeans. Yeah. There you go. So I'm going Martina starting at the booty crack and I'm going all the way around her clam chop. Are you going to tighten the strings? Well, wait a minute. I'm looking at Billie Jean when she was in her prime.

We're not going prime. We're going current. Well, I'm just saying back then she had a nice angle of throw, nice arms. She didn't age so well. I'm down with Martina. Yeah. A unanimous Martina. Yeah.

I like blondes too. I think she's more attractive. I feel like her box for some reason would smell fresher. You think so? Billie Jean Kings. Wow. Martina's box. I just think sometimes I'm imagining that dark pubic hair and I don't know what happens

there. Yeah. I like a blonde mound. That's a blonde box of Martina. It's a very, by the way, they're both winning boxes. If championships get your juices flowing, you're talking about two champions. So they're both winners. I think they're both going to try to out eat your box after you're done.

And I don't think you can't lose with either one. Whoever's box you want to. It's interesting because I'm thinking of whose box I would rather eat. And now let's think about whose box, like, who would I want to eat my box? That's a totally different thing. Isn't that interesting as the old monks used to say, isn't that interesting? Hmm. Hmm.

And do you want to know something? In terms of who do I want eating my box? I want the most competitive eater. I want Billie Jean King. Well, she's the one that called out, was it Jimmy Connors? That was the Battle of the Sexes match. Right. Oh, yeah.

He was the whoever said, you know, he's like a woman could never do the man. And she beat him. And she kicked his ass. And that's why. And it's not Jimmy Connors. I think. Fuck. No, I don't know.

You know who it was? Bruce Valanche. I think I want Billie Jean King to eat my box. I want that competitive spirit. I want that rage. I want that anger. I want her face in my box. Her dark hair.

But if I had to eat someone's box, it would be Martina. Can I say that? Yeah. And by the way, I'm sorry. So it was Bobby Riggs. No. Yeah. Jason Biggs.

The second was the national. It was Jason Biggs. Between Riggs and Billie Jean King. It was Bobby Riggs. Yeah. Okay. Well, she won. And the next match was between the final match was between Jimmy Connors and Martina Navratilova.

Jimmy Connors. So in that one, just so you know, so they both took part in this. Battle of the Sexes ended with Jimmy Connors and Martina Navratilova previously turned down John McEnroe. She considered them undignified. Connors said that this was war. Anyways, Connors won 7-5-6-2. That's a good, pretty good match.

God damn. So I'm sorry. You wanted Billie Jean to eat the box though. I want Billie Jean King to eat my vagina. Why? But so is Martina. But I don't want to eat Billie Jean's box, you understand? I'm kind of splitting the decision.

You can't do that. You have to pick one. You can't do that. That's not how this works. Nobody ever said that. Nobody ever said that. You can't vote for both. Who's going to fill it up and see what's shot with you?

But this is too difficult, Tom. So is algebra. You've got to pick an answer. All right. All right. It boils down to this. Billie Jean King is dark-haired, therefore she has dark vagina hair and butt hair. I don't like that.

You know, I like a blonde box and a blonde asshole. So the answer is Martina, not Shatapova. We both agree. Okay. All right. Let's do it for the guys. For the guys. Gay guys.

Athletes. Fill it up. Here you go. Blow me up, Tom. Remember that asshole? Of course. What is it? Dump that bitch.

Okay. You've got to dump that bitch. He's like crushed them all for dating it. Like us 101. Blow me up, Tom. Let me tell you something, pal. I've got bitches everywhere. I make plenty of money.

I've got a house. Where is he now? I've got five cars. Here's the deal. It's the cars. You don't spend more than $10 on a date. All right. If that bitch wants more, you tell her there's $10 more between my legs.

Let's suck on that date. Okay. Here we go. Fill him up. Seal him shut. Greg Luganus. Ooh. Ooh, swimmer's body.

Ooh. Or, in light of our conversation, Jason Collins. Hey. Hey. A celebration. Hip hop parade. Very different aesthetically, Luganus. You know what Luganus looks like.

Let me look him up. Yeah. He's got darker curly hair. Luganus. What is that? Fish fillet. What is that? Greek?

That has some type of Latin root, right? Shit. Let's see this guy. Oh, yeah. And he aged well. He looks great. He's cute. He's got HIV.

Oh. So that's even more impressive, right? I guess. Yeah. Poor guy. All right. Let's see. Luganus.

Luganus. Italian? Italian. I don't really like Italian food. Not the place we went to. Yeah. At least it was cheap. Not interested in Italy.

Italy. The only reason we went there is because we had a coupon. All right. Let's see. It doesn't say what he is. What his stupid last name is. Well, anyways, you know what though? He's got to be great.

I don't like maybe great yet. I don't really like this kind of the way this guy looks. I'm going to take Jason Collins. He's really cute. He's like stunningly cute. He's really good looking. He's seven feet tall. 255.

You know, if you go by your. Very of cock size proportionate tonight. Yeah. Yeah. He's got a huge one. Oh my God. He went to Harvard West Lake. Yeah.

He grew up in LA. That's a really nice. And he went to Stanford after that. He's so smart. This guy's totally filling me up. He's from Northridge. He was born in Northridge. Get the fuck out of here, Tommy.

All right. He's a valley guy. He grew up where I did, man. All the way, Jason Collins. Yeah. But take, I mean, look at him. I know. But aesthetically speaking, I like basketball players.

The tall, lanky look, tall, lanky cocks to match. His dong can reach. What is it? Center field. Oh, his dong pickup line. Look, when it's in your mouth, it's tickling your bush at the same time. Wow. That's how far down it hangs.

Wow. It hangs into your mouth, down in your throat, and it's pushing on your ovaries. Well, Greg Laginas is short, though. I mean, look. Five-nine. He's not that short. Yeah. He's just not my type.

He's a foot and chain shorter than Jason. Than big cocks? Yeah. Then a big old stinky cock. I want big old stinky cock. I'm going to take his. What do you think? Go for it, man.

They're both in great physical condition. So, physically, it's what you want. Yes. Ethymaphymymyos Luganus. It looks like he is Greek. Yeah. Yeah, he looks like a Greek guy. I'm going with Jason.

What? Yeah. You and I today, two for two. You know why? Why? I just want to give in. And I feel like he, like, even if I wanted to resist, Jason could force me to do things. So, it might as well just be like, look, man, whatever you're going to do at this point,

do it forcefully. I agree. You know what I mean? Like, I'm going to try to resist, but I know it's a futile. Like, so just do what you're going to do. Because you know why? Because Greg Luganus is like a relationship dude. You're right.

He's like an old school gay dude. So, he's been there, done that. He's not going to force you into shit. But Jason, you want to kind of like hold your head down and force you into things a little bit. And I feel more aggressive. And like, since I'm new to this, you know, I feel like Jason would be the guy to really, you know, slap me around a little bit.

Right? He's seven feet tall. What am I going to do to him? But then again, Luganus has the experience, the loving touch of Swimmer's physique. But that's not what I'm looking for. I wanted a little more aggressive. I want, I want that. Swimmer's body.

Yeah. Well, that basketball body is not in the fucking sneeze at. Methodist sneeze at. What do they have Swimmer's ear? Don't they have something? Yeah, you can't come in his ears. That's part of it. It says that on his sight.

It says, don't come in my ears. They don't like that. No. So, Martina and Avertula. We're both going Martina. We're both going Jason Collins. Jason come in my face, Collins. Jason, come all over me, Collins, with your big black seven foot cock.

NBA style. And then I want you to, when you. You don't even have a choice when it's with Jason. That's just what it sounds like every time. Do you think Martina would force my face in her box too? Do you eat these bugs? What's her accent? What is she?

Russian? Something, one of your people over there, somewhere over there. Ukrainian, Russian. I don't know. Eat these bugs, please, no. Do this thing to me. German, right? No.

Oh, shots. No. No. She's Russian, I bet you. I used to work for a Russian woman and I was a waitress and she always, her name was Mosha. And every time I did something bad, she would say short, short. Oh yeah.

She's one of my dirty people. Yeah. Eat, eat, eat. Eat my bugs. This is what she does. Fucking big shit. No. She takes her panties off.

You stupid big. Her clam flaps open. There she goes. It's an older clam. Right. And she goes, eat, eat, eat. Eat, eat, eat. Put some borscht into it.

No. Take some coldbush and rub it against my teeth. The Czechs don't know they have coldbush like we do. Eat, eat, eat. Eat my vagina. My vagina. Yeah. Buzhny bro.

Short, short. It's your stern block. Mange, mange, mange. Stupid. Oh shit. Why? All right. Nothing, man.

Play my outro song. I'm really excited. Yeah, let's do this. We got to get out of here. By the way, Austin. The best part about Austin is that Austin's way too cool for me now. The older I am, like I'm not even this hip. But they were playing the cramps when they were loading in.

I got to perform my Jim Norton show. How cool was that by the way? Really cool. Jim Norton's got a good audience. And they were playing the cramps and I was like, oh, I got to play this on our podcast. Let's do it, man. All right. Thanks for listening.

Thanks, mommies. We'll see you Friday. We love you. Bye. I love your ass for bad or worse I love your nasty way you curse When you sit down It's wild how you sit Grind your heel in the ground The groovy way you spit Oh, you love girl Oh, you smell good

Oh, you taste good Like a bad girl should When I need love, I love how you feel When I need dough, I love how you steal I love your sick way you think The way your perfume makes you stink Oh, you love girl Oh, you smell good Oh, you taste good Like a bad girl should I love your boots Your fancy clothes Your brief arms hair Your pantyhose A blower gasket for your pink jelly beans Your picnic basket splits my spleen

Oh, you love girl Oh, you smell good Oh, you taste good Like a bad girl should Bad, bad, bad, bad girl Bad, bad, bad, bad girl Bad, bad, bad, bad girl Bad, bad, bad, bad girl