Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 135-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

Make Fitness! It's essential to a long life and having big arms. We talkin 22's, son! Whatchu know bout that? Tommy and Tina are working hard at being champs even though it sucks. We FINALLY resolve the butthole icecube debacle and it's pretty ramsted. Plus you can suck your momma. But we have even bigger news and that is that BRACE is back! Yeah, more Brace philosophy, more Brace juice and we address the question you've all been wanting to ask - DID BRACE TAKE "COOKIN IT" FROM THE MOMMY DOME?????? You'll just have to listen to find out. Suck your momma!!

It's your mom's house It's your mom's house Tell me it's sexy It's hella dope It's your mom's house And Christina knows what Brown talks all about It's your mom's house It's your mom's house

It's your mom's house It's your mom's house It's your mom's house It's your mom's house Tell me it's sexy It's hella dope It's your mom's house It's your mom's house

It's your mom's house It's your mom's house It's your mom's house It's your mom's house It's your mom's house It's your mom's house It's really nice Stezo on that

I'm really impressed We have some very talented bands Very talented bands I don't see again who fucking made this So my apologies, but the file I don't have it on there But anyways, that was excellent Thank you

It's really good, thank you And I do know my brown talk There you go It's Friday Where you at? It's Friday! Right now I'm in Chicago You can come see me at the Chicago Improv

This week through Monday That is July 11th through 14th And then July 18th through 21st Columbus Funny Bone, Columbus, Ohio July 27th, the Uptown Theater In Napa, California And then August 1st through 4th Omaha Funny Bone in Omaha

Nebraska And then what, Jeans? What happens after that? Oh shit, the 16th and 17th We're in Houston Houston and Dallas TAS Big mommy style

Doing the podcast Live in your face A good night to be had By everybody there Come see us Either at Fitzgerald's in Houston Or at the Curtin Club in Dallas You can get tickets right now

At your mom's house podcast.com You can also find the links to the tickets At my website, TomSegura.com Just click on the live shows Scroll to the 16th or 17th of August There's links there And you can go to ChristinaComedy.com And also find the links there

Yeah, so again, August 16th and 17th The 16th is Houston, 17th is Dallas, guys Do it, that is what's up You can see us doing what we do Live, L-I-V-E, hi Hi You can watch how it all happens That's what's up, right now

If you're downloading this show the way you should The moment it comes out I'm in Hartford, Connecticut At the Hartford Funny Bone Come see me this weekend Tonight, tomorrow or Sunday Next weekend, the 18th through 21st Toledo, Toledo Funny Bone

I'm there, come see me August 1st through 4th I am in Richmond, Virginia All up in it The Richmond Funny Bone 16th and 17th in Texas I got some more dates coming up That I'm going to talk about as soon as I have

Links up for... But there's some cities And I also have a big announcement But I won't announce it until I have Something to announce But it's there, it's in the work, it's done I don't have the where to tell you to go yet All right

That is all Please Final jeans on that Final jeans That was really nice, you guys I really love all the music that you all have submitted Thank you for doing that Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Jeans, you ready to start the show? Yeah Let's do this Today, we're going to train arms You say it's impossible to get 22 arms Without taking steroids I'm going to tell you how I did it And there ain't no motherfucking secret

The first year and a half that I trained In the gym Every time I stepped in the motherfucking gym I worked arms Because I was determined To get some big ass motherfucking arms Somebody's going to tell you That that ain't the way you do it

And it's not... It don't work that way You be over training I already told you Fuck you over training motherfuckers For a year and a half Every time I stepped in the gym door I worked motherfucking arms

Because it was my magnificent obsession This shit is big time Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this Don't burn me in the fucking sand Welcome Welcome to your mom's house With Tom Segura

Tom Segura Christina Pajitzis Christina Pajitzis Welcome to your mom's house Never gets old No Every time I like it Our intro?

Yeah Of course The best goddamn intro in the world Big ass motherfucking arms Match band did this intro You know I saw him this weekend That's right I had dinner with him and his wife

Aw, they're such nice folks They're great People Do you notice my arms? How big they are I did Well, you know I played that for a reason

And That is a wonderful man Named C.T. Fletcher And He Liked to train Obviously And he's very vocal about how hard he trains

And You know the two of us We're no slouches We've been getting into training Well, you're not no slouch But I've been a slouch Man, you're the growth You must grow

He's commanding his arms to grow I'm the boss, motherfucker And I feel like you're the boss I mean like What happened recently? You know, let's talk about it Alright, alright Here's what happened

I was listening to Dr. Laura as I do In the car And She made a really interesting point You know Laura's not right about everything But every now and then The bitch has some shit that I listen to

She said about exercise She goes, she goes This is my fair She's like, what is she, 70? 60 something She goes I don't exercise in the morning Because I want to

Is this it here? Nigger, nigger, nigger Is what you hear on HB Wait, wait Yes, yes, this is the same show She goes I don't wake up at 6am And exercise and do weight training

With my son Because I like to I do it because I have to It's a necessity You have to And I, you know something? Yeah I listen to her because I think she's ridiculous

She is That bitch is right And my whole life I realize People have been motivating me The incorrect way Because fucking gym people Are always like You're just gonna love it

It feels so good It's so great You're gonna And you know something? I've never liked exercise You don't like that motivation to exercise And I've never enjoyed exercise Let's be honest

I've been a lazy Since I was a little girl I've been lucky enough When I was young to be skinnier You're so much like my mother It's just unbelievable Well, what do you think? Come on, we got married

I know, it's so weird I hate exercise But you know what I did? I listened to Dr. Laura I sucked it up And I signed up for one of these Fru Fru LA type exercise Girl classes

Like the bar Whatever And it's so hard, Tom It sucks I hate it But you know what? I don't think about it I just go

I have my one hour of torture And then I get on with my life Necessity Necessity, man So that I don't die a brittle old lady It's a big... I think it's a smart and wise And big decision

And I know it's difficult And I struggle with the same thing I happen to like working out But I'm always struggling with The... Really making the time And being consistent Like take this week for instance

I arrived After not sleeping at all Right, you literally did not sleep Not sleep one minute So I was up for 24 hours Came home and crashed Had to do a show It wiped out that day for me

Done Like so the day is gone The next day I got up And caught up on sleep Got up at a reasonable hour Had to do a podcast Another person's podcast

Then had to come home And do our podcast Right And then tomorrow morning I get on a plane Right So... When are you going to do...

Yeah, I mean the fitness thing It's not that... It's not saying it's impossible Because I'm not going to be one of those people Like it's just not at all possible But it's impossible to sometimes make The time... Like I want to go to this class

I literally can't make it happen Can't Not right now Not this week But next week you will Right But I do feel like That's what holds me back

Because the progress... You really... When you stay consistent You progress faster So I do lose something And it becomes hard And painful all over I'll work out this weekend

In the hotels Right Even though I can't make it The geniuses They put these shitty gyms in the hotels They put it next to the pool So now you're inhaling chlorine fumes And it's hard to mimic

I mean I can't really mimic what I like I can do a pretty... I can do a good workout But it's not like that But what will suck is that I'll do it a few times I'll come back and when I go To CrossFit next week

It'll fuck me up so bad Because I haven't done it again in a week now You know It's that kind of thing I don't mean to say that I've like changed everything It's only been three classes I literally hate 80%

Like I hate it a lot I found myself enjoying it briefly For like five minutes this third time I'm definitely the fattest in the class Because it's all these skinny like Total LA You know Ballet looking bitches

And I can't do most of it But I just do what I can But that's all that matters That's what you learn That's what I've learned Is that like there are people in my class That are so unbelievably fit And they fly through these absolute...

Don't you hate them? I mean these workouts are so goddamn hard And people that fly through them And then I'm struggling But I'm like you know what It really doesn't matter How I match up against them It matters that I'm doing the work

You know it matters that I'm doing this Workout that I would never do If I hadn't come here Never in a million years And the teacher always comes around And corrects my form She's like you have to like tuck hair And then you have to look at it

They all do All these instructors It's all like that You have to like bend your outlet And I'm like look it's not that I... What? No I was saying is this your instructor? Is that your teacher?

Love it That guy were my teacher He would motivate me But the thing is they come around And then they try to correct my form And I'm like look it's not that I'm not attempting this I don't have a muscle

Where you're telling me to use Like and then you're gonna use Your upper quads I'm like I don't even know if that is I don't even know what it is You just don't I don't have it I don't

There's so many things I don't have And I would have noticed by the way About these fucking fitness people Yeah I said it Fitness people Is that they don't have any sort of Sympathy for us slouches They don't understand

Like look if you just don't For instance I like to read I just I love always Since I was a little girl I love books You do But I don't assume that Let's say my fitness instructor

Loves books the same way You don't understand Like if someone were to come to me And say let's just lose a different example Stand up I want to be a stand up comedian I wouldn't go Alright we'll get up and do an hour

I would go okay well why don't we Sit down and write three minutes Just three minutes Right right right But this bitch said to me The fitness instructor She's like you know it's all mental You just have to do it

It's like all mental You can do everything right now That's just all mental I'm like no no no It's really not all mental It's physical I'm physically incapable Of doing a lot of these things

You're asking of me Right now Right now Right now this week I don't know how to I can't do a plank Can you plank position Yeah

You know fucking hard that is For me I can't even get it I can't do more than I can't do a push up I can do like three modifies Yeah Okay girl ones

Yeah Right but the insinuation That I should That it's a mental problem Right like you just push through Like no no I physically cannot It's a little fucking lame I told them

And they assume that you're As athletic as they are You're just not trying hard enough Right right That's a stupid thing Right whereas dumb people Who don't like to read I wouldn't go

Well just try reading Like I just know that they're not There it's not there You know You don't just pick up Nietzsche If you're a fucking literate You start With a cat in the hat

That's right No why can't I be at the cat In the hat right now Why do I have to be at Nietzsche Yeah I know And they think you're just Weak or something It's not that

I've noticed that Mentally weak I'm saying I am physically weak Yeah they A lot of them are like Go come on Push it She pushes me down

Into the stretch I'm like Don't push me into the stretch Bitch I've noticed at Crossfarts Which is what we call Crossfit right

It's Crossfarts Of course That there is a camaraderie Among in shape people Oh yeah And then there's a camaraderie Among the pigs The fat so early

Yeah And I'm just Automatically in the fat group Like Like it's And you can tell by Like the language Like the fat people

Will go Like they look at the board When they see the work out For the day And automatically Do another pig Like me Like some fat lady

Or guy And there's not that many There's no like Real fat Not across No no There's just out of shape Sure

That like used to be athletic That you can tell Like oh he used to play sports Or something Or she had a kid Yeah yeah She's bouncing back Yeah

But they'll be like They'll turn to other fat People will go Today's gonna suck And then like That's the thing You say you're like Oh yeah

Cause you know Like you're not really equipped Like the in shape people They'll be like What's up I was like Squat day This is rad

Fuck yeah Fuckin' Squat day My PR is 265 So I'm really fucking Excited to try to beat that Right now Pete what's a PR Like I don't know

I actually don't even know What it means That's terrible It's like Personal fucking Rap I don't know what it is So

But these But then they also I also noticed this Like A lot of them It's kind of clicky Where like the in shape people Kind of will

Kind of feel like Why are you talking to me Oh yeah Like high school Oh yeah So like I've had it both With a guy and a girl Separately

Where they're both Really small And they both did Incredible power lifting lifts Where I saw them Like talking Like big smiles They're like

Fuck yeah My personal bad That's all Like you know When we did regionals In 1955 So the 160 is awesome And then I've been like

That was really impressive What you just did And they've gone Huh? Like what? That was really good And they're like Thanks man

And then like Why are you talking to Yeah I wanted to be like I will fucking smack Just shit at you Yeah I'll punch you I know

Read a book Why don't you try to stand up It's hard I just I fucking wanted to get violent Come into my world And see how you do In my world bitch

I know That I have this fat older Chinese woman It's always the older women Like I'm talking like In their fifties That have the same fitness level as me Yeah Or the one fat Chinese girl

And we hang out in the corner I have no friends In crossfars I wouldn't say they're friends They're just people that I make I contact with And go We know what's up

Here's who Who's cool with me Yeah Two dudes in their fifties Seriously One's a doctor One I don't know what he does But they're like

To them I'm a fucking cooler young guy So that's why they talk to me And then That's basically it The guy that runs the place Tolerates me Right

And then Another guy there Who's like a coach Talks to me too And that's Yeah Why so serious fitness people Like I've noticed

These bitches in this Bar class that I take Like they don't They don't even Look at you They don't look at each other No smiles Like normal women

It's like They're like prison inmates That's how female prisoners are They lose the etiquette Of female exchange So weird Well let's And I smile

I try to make nice You know I'm putting it out there I wear my dog The bounty hunter Sure There's this one There's a one chick who

Who basically I almost go to Always go to Like a particular Hour class So even though I can go to any class It just happens

My schedule allows Or usually If I can go I'll go to this particular hour Right Usually the same people Are in that class There's very little variety

People go to the same class There is a girl And what happens is When we all load in The normal thing When you see people repeatedly We don't have Full conversations

But you say Like How's it going Yeah There is a girl Who's like She has such a fucking Like defined look

Like she's She's like a part Like she's like cast Like she has Sleeved hats She has pit bulls She has You know what I mean

Like she's like a big truck Right Like all these things Where you're like She's gay She But like are you Like is this

For something Like are you Are you representing Orange County Is that what this is Oh It's like She found out

What everybody does Who is this part And literally If she walks in Yeah Or whatever Gay Fine

She's gay And I go How's it going Six inches from me Will not respond back Really I've done it ten times I've said

Hey how are you How's it going Any variety of those No response Interesting Somebody else will say Hey and to her name And she'll be like

Hey so Hey Jim Whatever And I'm like What the fuck man Maybe she's hard of hearing Or something No

She's not hard of hearing Maybe she hates you I feel like she hates me But I feel like she hates me For no reason Maybe she knows this podcast And she's like I hate your mom's house

Well you know what If you do know the podcast Say fucking hello The next time I say hi It's just a basic thing right I know She might be shy Other people come in

I've never spoken to And we at least All do the hot Because we recognize That you know each other Yes Well yeah I know But some broads

This one broad in my class Like wouldn't even look at me Like avoided eye contact The entire time I went back to you Like why are you avoiding That's just so annoying man Yeah it's stupid

I mean I know I used to think That anybody that says hello Was hitting on them Maybe You know she could think That I'm like hey what's up Maybe

But it literally is a How's it going Well I mean you do Put out a super Sexually aggressive vibe Do I Like aggression We have a song about it

I'm a sexy beast That says in the song That's what I'm saying She's picking up On the This guy Incredible amounts Of testosterone

Coursing through you Look how hair you are Look at your dominant fur Your silver beard You're letting the Other orangutans know You're The pack leader

Um does Does this Make you want to Work out more Motherfucking Jim I work arms Because I was determined To get some big ass

Motherfucking arms Somebody's gonna tell you That that ain't the way You do it And it's not It don't work that way You be over training Fuck I already told you

Fuck you over training Motherfuckers For a year and a half Every time I step In the gym door I work Motherfucking arms Because it was my

Magnificent obsession To have big Motherfucking arms It was my desire My midnight dream Motherfucking to have Big ass arms My dream was to stroll down

Counting boulevard in the city And be the biggest Motherfucking on the boulevard To have the motherfucking 22 What you got motherfucking What you holding Motor twos motherfucking Come on

If that doesn't get you going That's C.T. Fletcher I highly encourage you to go to his YouTube page YouTube.com C.T. The trainer And enjoy some C.T. Fletcher videos They're all very much like this

I like him And fitness That's the way to go buddy I like that motivation I like negative fear-based motivation Do you? Well that's the only thing that Motivated me to do fitness

Yeah Was fear I always like coaches to bark Yeah I like them I'm on you fucking pussies I love them Yes I like that

That's what I don't need It's so amazing You're gonna feel wonderful You're gonna love it I don't know Tell me that if I don't do this I'm gonna die That's the only way

You're gonna get me to exercise Because I don't like it And I'm never gonna like it Fitness guys, fitness Jeans We never really Solved the mystery That were

Right The The butthole ice cubes Butthole Butthole Butthole Butthole Why do my ice cubes smell like a butthole?

The smell The smell The smell It was like Like really powerful Butthole Butthole Butthole

90% of the time it's something that's Actually kept in the freezer It's gone bad Butthole Butthole Butthole Butthole But we don't eat anything

That smells like buttholes There you go Diabetes Those diabetes That was your handiwork there Yeah, it was, I made that 100% That was amazing

I'm really proud of you Well, when I was gone Unfortunately, because originally I was gonna be here And I was gonna try to sit the guy down Studio Interview him Then it so happened we had to change it

So I was out of town You were here And you were so good As to pull out your my phone And record this gentleman Secretly Secretly So here's what we have for that

This is Theo There's Fifo Come on He's a good He's a good Come on in, hi You're not gonna bite? No, no

Scared Fifo He's just a little My screen doors Come on in, yeah Christina Hi Nice to meet you Thanks for coming

We've been We've been desperate to use our ice You know You know, it is It's hot out It's a big backpack Well Yeah, it's like

Not just a smell See if you can I mean, just you I'll let you I'll let you Feel the sensation Oh my gosh When did that happen?

What the hell? What was happening right there? Well, he opened it up And I had a bunch of fudge sickles in there And I slammed the ice The box shut And I caught it on the fudge sickle box So what happened is

This layer of frosts happened And he I think he had just opened the fridge Here's the really crazy part Actually, I'm not sure when the audio Where this is He goes to smell it with me Were you hit planio?

Oh, shit, man Is the door closing properly? Yeah, I close the door properly So it's frost everywhere Whoa, this sucks Oh, no This is my wedding flower Maybe I should move that, huh?

So, is that from the door Not closing properly? Because that may have been my fault I ate these fudge sickles, see? And I think I just saw it Got crammed in there Shit And I love those fudge sickles

Okay So go ahead and take a whiff You're setting him up for butthole You really want him to be like That smells like a butthole Because I want him to come to us On his own I don't want to leave the witness

Wait a minute What? What is this? These don't smell bad Alright, one more thing what's going on? How great is that? We have a detective A butthole ice cube detective

But they didn't smell anymore Right, I know But I'm saying Same cubes He goes and tells me what's going on I love that He's like, I can tell you I've seen these footprints before

I can tell you exactly what this is I've smelled these footprints before What's going on? Okay The ice is in the open in the freezer Right So the air circulate from the freezer To the refrigerator

So maybe he had something with a strong odor So the air circulate in This is open So all the air going to stick to the ice Because it's in the open And then you give it that like Must smell Like kind of like

What you could do You could put baking soda inside the refrigerator Or you could buy some stuff They call it a fridge aid And I say you put one in the refrigerator By the way, is there poop soup In the fridge right now? Yeah

Should we get rid of that Maybe before you leave town? I don't know I might eat it later No, you're not Babe, stop hoarding poop soup It's been there for a week Come on

Why? Please It's not puffy yet I guess it'll heat I'm in the freezer Okay And I get rid of all the smell So you think it was something

I cooked or maybe It left in there Because seriously dude It smelled like Butthole I know It smelled like a rum stick Like a what?

Rum stick Kind of rum stick smell Kind of like What's that? You never heard that word rum stick? Rum stick? Yeah, rum stick Like a musk

What? Right? Exactly But whatever that word is Where's that word from? Probably Jamaican Is Jamaican rum stick? Like a rum stick

Yeah That's so funny I've never heard that Neither have I Rum stick But don't you love that Now we have another word And like another culture

Of course For smelly butthole ice cubes Oh, I suppose kind of rum stick around here Rum stick Rum stick Big up rum stick Because my husband couldn't even Believe how bad it is

So it must have been Some of my nasty cooking I wouldn't say nasty cooking But probably something I would give up a strong order So once you circulate And keep going back around Then it kind of

Makes your ice cream smell Like a butthole So it's not like a filter A problem Or nothing like that Shit, now I'm real worried So you think this will clear up Right?

Because it's all frosty You have to clean it up So he's cleaning the frost So that it doesn't get Oh, drippy Now I have Really? Thanks

He cleaned it for me, it was nice Yeah, I got excited about these That was the problem Rum stick, yeah I got the second part here Oh, okay, yeah He tells me So we talk about Jamaica

And I was like Oh, I've been there I actually love You've talked about it many times Yeah You've always talked about it And I ask him like All kinds of questions

About their culture Awesome, thanks Here we go Thanks for saving me Any other questions you have? No, that's it, thanks Well, how would you say Butt cubes in Jamaican?

Do they say that kind of stuff? Let's say Butter cube Butter cube Butter cube That would be like the closest Yeah But thank you

How do you say someone's Like, what's the worst insult You could say to somebody in Jamaica My profanity Yeah, and don't be afraid I will not tell No, no, no, you just tell You tell something about his mom

Oh, oh Oh, it's okay, it's okay You just tell him You talk about a person's mom Yeah And that's the worst insult you could say Isn't it? It's in every culture

I think insulting someone's mom Is like the worst So what would you say Like eff your mom or Up your mom? Yeah, like that It would be like a Suck your momma

Suck your momma Suck your momma That's good I would like to suck your momma Or be like That's like fighting words Fighting words, suck your momma If you say that, prepare to fight

Really? Yeah, you're gonna have to fight, yeah I would do that, too Suck your momma Suck your momma That's all I got from that guy Yeah I think that's it

But that was pretty cool, right? Suck your momma Yeah, I'm just glad that we got the The butthole mystery resolved The big mystery, you guys And I know some of you on Twitter were asking What happened to the ice cubes And now they're totally fine

And I did have my wedding flowers in the freezer So I had to rewrap those Put them in there And so far, so good And my fudge sickles, too Still frozen Nice Nice

When? When When he said that guy Because I was like I've been to Jamaica And everybody pretends That I read Everything is I read

I'm like, that's just touristy shit, right? He's like, oh yeah, nobody fucking says that Nobody says that, man Not since the 80s They used to say that, basically I guess In the 80s It would be like saying, I don't know

Radical I don't know Oh, things are super radical around here Bart Simpson saying or something Eat my shorts, man Yeah And they sell it to tourists Who come to California

Everybody here says, eat my shorts Eat my shorts, it's the new hip thing The Brace Philosophy The Brace Philosophy The Brace Philosophy The Brace Philosophy The Brace Philosophy We're so blessed

So are you, dearest mommy Little mommy You get to enjoy What we just enjoyed And that was a very nice Candid catch-up conversation With one Brace the Jigolo Where we got down to some

Really detailed stuff We asked the questions we've been wanting to ask Oh, I've been having these questions inside Since the beginning of this new season And finally we got to hold him He's been very busy Very busy We tried to interview him

Like a month or two Yeah When he was too busy Hard to get a hold of He was so sweet, he got back to us So we just talked to him Here's what happened Okay

Hello Brace, what's up, man? How are you? Good, man, how are you? Well, I'm good I'm real good She's busy She's running hard right now

I hear you, man Thanks for making time for this, man Appreciate it Well, sorry, the pleasure Good Appreciate it Oh, so we missed you, Brace We're so glad to talk to you

There's an echo in there There's an echo because I think it was In this room, right? Oh, you know what? There might be an echo effect on this Oh, shut your mama Yeah, could be Season has been pretty awesome

Season's been amazing Amazing season of the show You think so? You think so? Oh, my God Yeah, and I have to say clearly I think you're the star now I think this is the officially It's the Brace show

Yeah And they should just rename it that Yeah, you really need your own spin-off show Totally It's kind of obvious at this point, I think Well, thanks for saying that And actually, I'm working on that Actually shot like a pilot civil show

With Kathy Griffin last week At her place in LA And I'm talking to a couple better people About different things I'm kind of stuck in this contract For a little while And they haven't given us The go-ahead for season five yet

So maybe we won't even be doing another season I don't know That is a travesty That is criminal Don't even say that, please Well, life moves on You have to go forward And who knows what will come out of it

Again, it's like When you're under a contract, too They try to dictate What you can and cannot do You know, so I'm just trying to see What I can do without Stopping on anybody's toes And actually, I'm working on a

With a literary agent out of New York To do a book, too Dude, this was Perfect The first time we saw you We heard you talk about the Brace philosophy The first thing we said was Book deal, that was the first thing

That's automatic Yeah Yeah, man Is it the Brace philosophy? Is that what you're writing? Well, we haven't really named The title yet, but there will probably be Something along that line

Of course that's the title That's the best title ever I was trying to just put emphasis on it I think you thought I was being aggressive Well, because we were genuine Yeah, I mean, how could you beat The Brace philosophy as a title? If that guy wrote the Brace philosophy

I would buy it What else can he call it? Like, that's perfect I don't know, but I still have it Nothing The Brace philosophy How to fucking crush pussy And stay in shape

And drink All at the same time Listen to you You guys are You guys think I'm just totally crazy all the time No Not at all You actually, you know

There's more Go ahead Sorry No, I just said there, you know My whole thing And all these crazy things We're talking about and doing in the book It's just about really

A lot of things in my life You know, I'm an entrepreneur You know, and this and that And there's some really Good stuff I mean, some people have even Asked me to do a documentary too But I'm not ready for that right now

But Wait, is this You know, the title is huge It's gonna be huge And we're throwing around a couple different ones But it's coming, you know And it's a big deal, kind of It's crazy how they do it

Yeah, that's It is huge That's phenomenal, man Now, are you working on your supplements? Are you We saw that in the show And then in the show There was a big-titted woman

That you discussed Yes, the tits Right, you discussed Roar with But then I saw I saw a still You definitely have a supplement line now, right? It's not Roar But I think you have a supplement line

Yeah, it's braced land nutraceuticals And I actually, I just I put a friend of mine Just threw up a site for me Before we shot season four So I had early time to give it much attention And I just had the whole thing redone And adding, you know

I've got about 15 different products And I'm adding a protein to a protein line As well And it's, you know, blown up quite well And it's, you know, it's fun And that's what my passion is And I've always been in the health and fitness And I just finally decided to do my own brand

You know, so I like that What is, just so our listeners know What is the website if they want to check it out It's braceland.tv Okay And that has links to all the products, right? Yeah, everything Okay, braceland.tv

And we have a couple questions for you With relation to... Sorry about the echo No, it's really annoying Really? Oh my God It's not that bad Not for me

This past season, one episode You get hired By a lady And you go with Nick To her place You recall this? Oh, yes, I do Okay

Now, Christina You took an issue with something in particular Well, listen, Brace You know, I love you I'm a huge fan And I know that the woman requested a DP And from what I could see of that Of what happened

I'm not sure that was technically a DP That you guys By the way, this is genuinely something That really bothered Christina You talked about this I was really upset Over and over and over Well, because like, okay

We know what a DP is It's one in the pink, one in the stink Right? And what he did with Nick was a finger cuff It wasn't a DP So Brace was like on her mouth And then Nick was in her vag So that's not a DP

That's a finger cuff I got you Okay Everybody knows that Who's seen the Kevin Smith movie What is that chasing Amy? That was her nickname Was finger cuffs

Yeah Because that's the move she did Okay It's not a DP You know what I mean? Because isn't it one in the bum And one in the vag? Right

Is it? It seemed like there were dicks that were out And there were holes that were filled But not the two that she was anticipating At the same time No, I'm not into that stuff I didn't even know I didn't even know what DP really was

Until we did that episode I mean, you just like the glory hole thing I never even knew what that really was What a whore that chick What a wholesome jiggaloo you are Well, I am really That's gonna come out in my book and everything But you know, there's a lot going on in my world

That most people don't know about But I just don't do that kind of stuff It's not my thing Yeah, no, that's very fair That is totally That's very true about him Don't you get that sometimes? You watch the show and you're like

Oh, he really is this guy Right? He's a very meat and potatoes kind of guy At the end of the day He's a very much a Midwestern dude Like a normal dude, you know what I mean? Despite the tan and the bleach blonde hair He's just a dude

He's pretty normal Now, Nick Hawk on the other hand Tattoos, crazy jeans Yeah, no, that's not normal Yeah, I mean, I feel like when you watch the show There's little things like that that like You know, it's almost like a sheltered Midwestern kid He's like, what's that?

He actually has like a value system And I don't know, I think he's a pretty decent guy Yeah, he's different than most hoes Do you know many? Do you know? I know a lot of hoes Oh, you know hoes? I know a lot of hoes

And they all ain't like Bryce, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's true I just tell like it is I just don't do stuff like that I just don't do it I'm not interested I won't do it for money And I don't do all kinds of stuff for money

Because I don't do all kinds of nasty shit What about, did you take well to the new guy To Bradley or whatever the fucking name they gave him? Yes, he's really cool I like him a lot He's a good guy He's funny And he's, you know, he listens well

And you know, he's good I like him Yeah, he seems very down to earth Yeah, he is Well, he's from kind of a... Not really Midwest, but over... I tend to just give our listeners a little background There's been different characters

Different gigalos that have come and gone And so sometimes there's ones that come in, replace And two of the OGs are gone There was the one like Cookie Cutter Like most, I would say Most traditionally model looking guy Like it looked like a catalog model I forget that guy's name

He's split One who ended up getting like a sugar mama Well, that's what he said That's what he claimed I don't know if that was true Right, forget his name And then there was the one that got pudgy It was depressive

Steven, I'm just a guy looking for love Yeah, and he gained like 40 pounds He got depressed, I think And then they were like, you're not such a hoe right now Maybe You need to get your hoe juice back I don't know, maybe he left voluntarily I don't know

Maybe they were like, look, hoes have mojo And you need to go get your hoe mojo He lost his hojo His hojo I mean, it could be, man That's a hard job, you know To please people all the time To be everybody's fantasy all the time

That's got to be exhausting Being a hoe, it's not easy I've had so many women that's fucking blur It's just blur But you know, I just, my whole thing Is to try to be good to people I know Yeah, and all the hoes they have, they're like

So by the way, Bradley then The one I'm talking about He's this new Southern hoe That is like Is he Southern, yeah Yeah, he's from Tennessee He was in the military And remember they bring his like Bible reading

What a nightmare Baptist brother out And he has to try to justify his life to his Nutty brother His brother who's like We haven't seen you in church lately He's like, I've been hoeing out here Yeah

What have you been up to? We were going, you know I mowed the lawn yesterday What'd you do? I did this thing where I got Cookie crumbs poured in my asshole And then this girl ate them out Could you imagine having to justify your existence

To your fucking square brother Who's never gonna get it Like what, why even bother? It's so ridiculous I know Sorry, this is a Why do you have to even come out to your brother? I wonder why sometimes people have to

Fess up about their lives Like your brother could have gone his whole life Not knowing that you're a male prostitute And it would have been fine Here we go, this is better I got it without the echo Oh, you fixed it, okay I fixed it

He listens well and you know, he's good I like him Yeah, he seems very down to earth Yeah, he is Yeah, he is, well, he's from kind of a I'm not really Midwest, but over Tennessee, I think Oh, Grace, I know, I'm dying to ask you

Oh, I'm sorry, did I interrupt you? No Okay, I'm dying to ask you Remember the porn star that you went on Date with? Yes Now what happened with her? I wanted a follow-up and they never gave us one

So can you tell us what happened? Well, there was really nothing that happened We just, you know, she was a nice lady And she wanted to be friends And I am friends with her Okay But that's what happened Hyapatia Lee

Hyapatia, yeah Yes We were so hoping that you would find a love connection You guys seem like you were kindred spirits Not that kindred Well, can I tell you this? That episode in particular Yeah

Okay, in a lot of the episodes I think actually this season We were talking about how in the early seasons You could at times, you know It's a showtime show Obviously it pushes the envelope It's not fully explicit But it seems like

Like some of the scenes you're like Oh, I mean, it looks like they're really having sex And then sometimes you go I guess they could be faking it or whatever But when you pounded her And you gave her the full brace pounding Dumped your clip You dumped your clip in her

It looked so real And her When you gave her your child It looked so real My child That's fine My sex child I have not given out a child yet

That I know of But I, you know I like to be yours You know, I don't know how to answer that I mean, I try to be real I try to psych up And I do whatever I can to make everything Seen very good

And entertaining And, you know, who knows what the real deal is But it's a pretty real show I mean, that's really all I can say According to my contract Who knows what's real? He gave away a lot there But that Hayapasha episode seemed a bit contrived

When they had him jerking off to her And then Nick and Remember, he was jerking off No, no, no, but I'm talking about the sex part Oh, him banging her? You know, sex in general on the show Well, I mean, we, come on Don't we kind of think that it's a little contrived sometimes?

Well, the getting together part is I'm saying, are they or are they not having sex? I mean, we were just talking about It certainly looks like it now Like, I feel like they've put more emphasis On showing you as much as possible Without being a hardcore form And the irony is with this show

I don't need to see them fucking Nobody does I don't need to see Brace Because I just enjoy them as characters I don't even have to see the sex Right, but he just, you know, hinted at Oh, it's as much as I can say Who knows what's real

Softcore, like where they wear a sock Right, and don't really do it I don't know It's certainly like I said I felt like this year The show seemed like They seemed to make it I should try to make you think that the sex was real

This year A lot of angles are like They have to be in there, right? I don't know, man I mean, when Vin ate out that old lady I was just thinking about that It's so gross God, it was terrifying

Loud and clear We got it, very well But, you know, it's like, you know I go to work It's a lot of work It takes me six weeks to get ready for that show And it takes me two months to recover After, you know, after the show

Because I just go balls to the walls I go to work I go there to go to work We appreciate it And entertain And, you know, hopefully it will bring me My own show, which I won And I want people to have more control

I would love it You definitely need that Because I think you're the most interesting We could listen to you I could watch you talk I could watch you take a shit You're that interesting to me I absolutely love your candor

Because there's so many There's so much phony bullshit on television It's nice Now, let me ask you So, Ashk is in the picture now And is he for real? Is he really that spiritual and holistic? Because he seems a little over the top

For what I've seen of him, I think he is He's pretty consistent I mean, he's very consistent with who he is And, you know, he's just A person on the show I mean, for sure, he's just a very Gentle, easygoing, spiritual type person I mean, he's a good person

And I thought that is him, for sure Yeah, I mean, because I figured You two would get along Because you, to me, are a very Conscious person, a very conscientious person And Ash is kind of... But Ash is a little more gentle with the ladies He's more, you know, he has a side phony tail

Or whatever I feel you're shocked Right, like, your styles aren't the same There's no doubt Yeah, there's no doubt I mean, there's one side of me that... And I am, I'm very, you know Cautious of other people's feelings

And I'm very conscientious And I'm polite, very polite And I'm always thinking of that But then when I unleash the lion I can get, you know, a little crazy And entertaining as well But it's all a good fun You know, I do like to...

I do like to take women down when I take them down It's not, it's not usually a... It's not usually a soft, kerosene situation I love, I like to take women down It's the Pound Town situation Fantastic Can you, do you watch the episodes? Do you have a hard time watching yourself

Have sex, or does it involve you anymore? A hard time, not at all I find myself very entertained by myself Well, that's good Well, yeah, I mean, I think that's pretty obvious Because the time when you needed to jerk off in a cup You just looked at yourself And then you came pretty hard

Oh, that's right! That must be... Well, I'm glad you remembered that one My bottom line is that I very... I'm a nut job And I have fun being a nut job And it's just fun to be, you know I don't have...

I don't hold back usually And it's just where I am and I like it And we love you for it And look, we're not judging, believe me If you knew Tom and I, we're such derelicts But we love it We just love you so much This show is so much fun

And you do a great job We have to ask you something very serious though, Brace And this is what all Mom's House fans have been waiting for This is the big moment Demanding the answer to this, yeah Okay Oh, no This is a very serious question

We want to know if by any chance Some lingo that you use on the show Was by any chance inspired by our show Or whether we were both coming up with something at the same time And that is the use of the term cookin' it Did you get that from our show? Or was that also in your own mind? Because we'd like to feel we're a part of you now

Well, I've been using that phrase Since I was in my 20s Oh, shit Huge, huge, huge Huge revelation Huge revelation Yeah Wow

Yeah, I don't know It might have been emphasized in one of the episodes I did with you guys But no, my meathead buddies and I back in Michigan Were using that back in the day all the time Okay, because we dropped it And we dropped it in an interview with you And then we heard it on the show We were like, did we somehow inspire Brace?

But I guess it was the meatheads of Michigan that didn't Well, I just thought that you guys had heard me say it on the show That's funny That's hilarious I dropped the dump on my clip on the show That's the best And people are saying that Huge, that's fantastic

Yeah, I don't even know what I'd say I just say some of the verbiage and lingo that I've been saying forever And then when people like it, I might use it more or whatever So I just do it Never stop doing that No matter what you end up doing, never stop doing that stuff That's the best Never stop doing that

No, seriously Always say that shit It's hilarious Always say it Okay, I'll try to keep that in mind No, I'm saying always come Like always use the phrases and these words that are unique to either where you're from Or how your own slang, it stands out so much

And it's so funny Like always do that Because it's really you It really comes from you That's why we do it I'm not saying you gotta say dump my clip in every interview I'm saying that whatever it is, it's funny We love it

Yeah, well thank you But that's usually a lot of people ask me to ask me if that's scripted Like if they tell us to say anything that I say And I said no And when we do interviews, I go on and on and on And they don't even use a fraction of what I give them So I'm sure they have a nice reel of just all kinds of things That they can pull from for me anyway

That's awesome though So we're both cooking posts basically, you and I That's what we both do You know what I'm saying? Yeah, well I am I'm just a cook, man I'm just a cook, you know Oh man

I'm married Yeah, that's what's going on in my world I'm waiting on the yes or no from season five And usually they say they let us know mid-season When the show's airing And they haven't let us know anything And you know, I'm looking at my other options And I want to keep my brace tight

And I want to keep my brace train rolling in the right direction And you know, say la vie if that's the case I mean, I'd like to be on a widely viewed network That's, you know, just like a Bravo or Spike or something like that Where we pick up the advertising dollars And you know, the major audiences You know, because that's not, I guess So that's what I'm shooting for

Because it's, you know, I could spend my life on that show And not be where I want to be in another financial sector of my life So I want to get on one of these regular networks So that's my goal The show is there You're going to end up with something, man For sure You got it, definitely

You're definitely the most inspiring, the most interesting And like I said, Tom and I can watch you take a shit So wherever you go, we will follow Yeah, wherever you go, we'll follow And you know, if you come out with a book Obviously, we'll get that book We'll talk about it We'd love to have you on

We want to have you on even more So anytime you want to come on the show Please let us know We're huge, huge fans Well, I appreciate that It's good to have good people out there That like what you're doing That's good to get the good feedback

Because it makes me even push myself harder Yeah, we're good, man Well, thank you, Brace We love you You're awesome All right, there you go Love the Brace Thank you so much, Brace

Yeah For coming on the show again And obviously, we'll have you on again soon A lot of fun So interesting, that dumping clips And cooking the puss That's in his lexicon His meathead friends, so there you go

Yeah Fucking great, man Interesting Just, that's good I'm glad to hear these Okay, I hope he gets a show Because I really want to watch him I don't really care so much for the other ones

Like Nick Hawk, I kind of want to watch him become I would watch Nick Hawk go to therapy So that the therapist could be like What's wrong with you? Oh, yeah Because he's very emotional on the inside, I think Yeah, yeah What level are your candy crush?

Dude, a big breakthrough No I beat 65 this morning Fuck your mother, fuck off I know, I'm on 66 now How did you beat it? Yeah, you know, I was going through it And I thought I would just beat it

I kept getting to six short I kept getting to 59 Out of 65 I don't even want to have this conversation But here's what was the move, this is what did it I still had quite a bit of moves to go I had around 30 moves to go And I got a ball, like the little color ball

Next to a stripey candy And you know when you put those together Like eight of them stripeys So that wiped out a ton of jelly That I still had like 27 moves to get So you kind of knocked it out early A lot of things, early But here's the thing, I had like four corners

And it took me until I had three moves left To wipe it all out I hate you Yeah, so now I'm in a new level now I hope your iPhone jams and you can never play Candy Crush Hopefully by new years, when you beat 65 We can talk that And don't kicky foot

Look at you kicky footing Dangling your feet and kicky footing Like a little schoolgirl Don't get excited about this Well, it's fun, it's fun to be in It's fun to be number one So we have a little treat for you guys She's back and she's not going anywhere

And that is Auntie Fifi Oh, Auntie Fifi You remember her? She started off 2013 for us She was our first lady who made an appearance in 2013 And she has a new jam And I'll let her take it from here And that is all

Should we go out on her? We should go out on Auntie Fifi Okay, bye jeans Thanks for listening to the show We love you, we'll be back next week with more show More fun, more guests More fitness More fitness

We love you, say strong, always work out Two squats Bye jeans Bye jeans Good afternoon, social media This is Auntie Fifi coming to you With a selection that God has placed on my heart Before I do that, let me do a special shout out

To my military babies That are serving over in the U.S. Navy in Japan Their names are Rachel Bell, Alyssa Dorn Brandy Willis, and Milisha Davis We honor you, we salute you And we thank you for all that you do For the United States Be blessed, I love you

While I was sitting here I was thinking about how there are people That God has placed in our lives That we can't imagine how life would be without them Because they complete us They make us be what we are And in saying that These are the words that came to me

May I share that with you? God bless you Jack and Jill Went up the hill Hallelujah To fetch a pail of water Oh, hallelujah Jack fell down

And broke his crown Hallelujah But Jill, oh, Jill Came tumbling after I can hear Jill saying How do I live without you? I want to know How do I breathe without you?

How could I survive without you? How do I, hallelujah How do I, how do I live? How do I live without you? Hallelujah How do we live without you? How do we live without you? And he said, without you

I can't do nothing Without him I would fail Without him My life would be drifting Oh, hallelujah Like a ship without I said like a ship without a sail

And if I don't have a sail, God What do I do? I have to row, row, row your boat Hallelujah Gently down the stream Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life, hallelujah My life, hallelujah

Your life is but a dream Oh, hallelujah Hallelujah, Jesus, hallelujah