Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 141-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

Some have had the never to criticise this show for being less than sophisticated. To those that have unflattering remarks about us we present to you Episode 141. The Mona Lisa, the Sistine Chapel, and now this very episode of Your Mom's House with all mentioned in the same breath. We examine the meaning of life, the purpose for which one exists and we might just have an answer to the question, "Is there a God?" Give this podcast a listen and you'll be pleased by what you hear. We also take more calls from our listeners about Love! Can you feel that? That's your jeans getting TIGHTER! 

That's what I'm talking about. I don't know what I'm talking about. I don't know what I'm talking about. Well, that's my mother-in-law. That's my mommy, the original mommy. That's the name of this track, Original Mommy by Matthew Miller. Very nice. Thank you, Matthew.

This reminds me a little bit of the creatures. You might know that as Susie and the Banshee side project. Of course I know that. Of course. Where can everybody see you this week, Jeans? Jeans! Oh, I pull them up, pull them up, pull them up. If you're in Omaha this week, when this episode drops,

August 1st through 4th, I'm at the Omaha Funny Bone in Nebraska. August 16th and 17th, your mom's house podcast is coming live to Tejas. We are doing Houston on the 16th, Dallas on the 17th. Tickets for Houston are almost completely gone, so please go to your mom's house podcast.com or TomSugarer.com or ChristinaComedy.com and buy your tickets now because they will sell out. Always, always, always, always, there are links. Everybody ask for links? Yeah.

That's where they are. Where are the links? I can't find any links. Well, they're in there. They're there. After that, August 22nd through 24th, Comedy Spot Comedy Club in Scottsdale, Arizona. September 4th through 7th, Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, Tejas. Then I'm really excited, you guys, because it's about time I go back to my birth country of Canada.

Finally, I'm doing Toronto. September 12th through 14th, I'll be doing the Underground Comedy Club in Toronto, Canada. I cannot freaking wait because you guys love that show. Dude, that place is the best. High on trees, Joey Tuch, the whole hazardous, the whole crew. You're going to have the best time. Austin, awesome. It's going to be a good time.

What about you, Sir Jeanslut? Oh, follow me at ChristinaP on Twitter, please. This was a not the song I thought, even though I enjoy that song. I enjoy that song. Let's see what this one is. Let me give you another song. Is this a song that we can intro to your mother's house? I sure hope so.

Is it here? Here we go. Mom's house. I like it. Mom's house. Mom's house. Mom's house. Mom's house.

Mom's house. Mom's house. Mom's house. That really gets me. I like it. All right, mom's house. Derek Booth sent that in. Thank you, Derek.

I'm in Richmond, Virginia right now at the Richmond Funneybone. Come see me tonight or tomorrow or Sunday. Next week, Scottsdale, Arizona, 8th through the 10th of August. Stand up, Scottsdale. Houston and Dallas with my jeans. 16th and 17th of August. Helium in Philadelphia. I want all the mommies to come out Saturday night.

Come see me Saturday night, second show. I want the last show of Philadelphia to blow my own dick off. And then Long Island the next week, the 5th or the 7th of September. We added Columbus. We're doing one night only, September 27th. And we added one night only in Nashville, September 30th. And we have a couple other cities that are going to come on that run. But right now, those two have links on my site, tomcigura.com.

Come see me and Christina together in Columbus and... And I'll put those links on your mom's house podcast. Great. So they will be there by the time you hear this in your ear holes. Great. Yeah. Well, that's that. Oh.

Oh. That smells so bad. Oh. Oh, my goodness. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, man.

This is so bad. Oh, man. It's like a spray. Just in case we have company over. Oh, man. I bet you wish you were here without you. Oh, man. This is a big time.

Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. No mom in the fucking stand. Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With tomcigura. Tomcigura. And Christina Pazitzis.

Christina Pazitzis. Welcome to your mom's house. What happened in that clip? Yeah. It was, um. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, it was, um. A girl that likes to fart. And, uh, that's what she did. She farted for everybody. And she was talking about how bad it smells. That's funny because it sounds like what I deal with in my own life. Oh, sorry.

But. Oh, God. Whoa. These are all girls. These are girl farts. They're gonna shit. That girl's gonna shit. What?

That sounds like one of yours. Oh my God. I'm gonna puke. It's so funny. Oh my God. Oh, no. Yeah, girls don't fart. I can't.

I'm gonna die. It hurts so bad. I can't take it. Well, you couldn't take it last night either. Oh my God. What was that? I've never seen you react like that. What do you mean?

Well, I mean, you know. Here's. No, babe. That wasn't fair. You farted. I was ready to go to bed. And then bless you, sweetheart. Thank you.

I was laying in bed. You were laying next to me. We're just giving kissy faces. And then you ripped one. It smelled exactly like what you had for lunch. You know when I can smell. Yeah, you're one of those composition. And it smelled of steak.

It was like huevos rancheros. Is that what you had? No, I'm sorry. Carnet, asada. And eggs. Yeah. And I could smell the different components. It was kind of like a fine wine where I was like, I can taste the.

There's a woody night. The cinnamon. The chocolate. The strawberry. It's smoky. The tannins are strong. You were like freaking out. And then you're like, get some matches.

I said get some matches. And I was like, I don't see any matches. And then I got matches. No, you didn't. I had to get up. I found them. I go, oh, the matches are here. That's true.

You did do that. Stupid. You fucking lied them. I did light them. And then you were mad at the smell of the matches. Well, because you let like 10. Two. Two.

You let 47 matches. Two. Yeah. But it ended up. What happened there? I smelled that. You smelled room burp. Yeah.

Well, because you did it against the microphone. You smell it. Are you smelling the mic? Your microphone. Did you barf a little? He burfed. That's like yours. So then to be considerate.

I did. I did what you asked me to do. I cleared out the room. I opened the window. I can't talk over it. It's so funny. I feel like we're not giving it enough credit if we talk over it. That's true.

This is art, you guys. Did you find the compilation or did you edit this together? No, no, I found one. Man, it's such good work. I like when the girl goes, oh, like, oh, I'm sorry. Was I naughty? I just farted. This is a big fetish for people.

I could so do this. Oh my God. You want to do this? Sure. I'll sell it. Sign me up. I'll be the producer. Where can I submit my farts for money?

Who wants to hear them? People want to hear them. Do they just have to hear them or do they have to smell them? Can I do this by the webcast? Yeah, yeah. You can do it on a webcam. Do I have to show my face or just my asshole? I don't know.

I really don't know. I don't know the business that well, but I'll do some research. I'd like to kind of do it anonymously. I mean, can you do this? I just did. Wow. I like that there's a full range of farts. Because in the world, no two people are alike, so why would their buttholes make any different

sounds? Wouldn't, you know, no two buttholes are like, so back to my story. Yeah. All right. So the match is in. Yeah. And then the house smelled like you grossly exaggerated. It was, it literally was two matches and you were like, ah, it smells like poison.

So I turned the fan on, open the windows, open the door to the storage. And I was like, all right, let's open the cell all out. And then you were like, you absolutely cannot fart again tonight. So normally I would have kept farting, but I felt like you were so serious. Yeah. And I tried to respect that, that I held farts. I can't believe you held farts. I did.

I cannot believe you did that for me. I did that for you. What a sacrifice for your love. Then I sacrificed. And then when I got up this morning, I was like, I got a fart. So I went into the living room and I farted and you heard it. And you were like, oh my God. Because it was no exaggeration.

How many seconds long would you say that that was? And not exaggerating. Not exaggerating. Five. Five. A full five. A full five seconds. One, one thousand, two, one thousand, three, one thousand, four, one thousand.

It was that long. Yeah. It was all these farts that wanted to come out earlier. And the really neat part, Tom, is that it had a very consistent tonal quality, which really shows that you were building up that fart all night long. So when you let it out, it was one long consistent note. You know what I mean? It didn't fluctuate.

It was just... Kind of like that. These girls can fart with the best of them. What a talent. You're really impressed by these girls. I love it. I love it. How much can you make farting professionally?

You really want to do this? I'd love to. How much money do you think they make? I could do this. I really could. Because they're just farting into the cameras, right? They're wearing their clothes. They're not naked even.

And you fart to camera. And then you go, oopsie, I farted. Sometimes, or you just laugh or you just go like... There's not even a guy in the picture? No. Not in the ones that I saw. I mean, here's some... There's no semen involved.

It's just girls farting. This is like made for me. Yeah, this one here, I don't know, this might have more. Why didn't I know about this when I was 20? I don't know, man. I don't know. I didn't have this when I was 20. Do you see this nice table right here?

Yeah. I'm going to make lots of noise with it. Courtesy of my ass. Okay, you can do this video so far. Oh. Oh. That must be why my stomach's been hurting all day. Okay.

She's just sitting on a table farting. She's wearing underwear. Do you really think it's a big turn on? Somebody's definitely getting off on this, I think. I wonder what the turn on is. Painful. Oh, no. It sounded forced.

Yeah, there's, I mean, there's clearly a big world for this. And you could be in that world, you know? Do you think that there are women that enjoy men's farts? Yes. People always like to listen to music, don't you? Yeah, I like music. It's always comforting. Yeah.

What's that? What's the song? Hmm. That was great. So there you go. So are you thinking of really doing this for real? I mean, I need to do a little research. I can't just commit to something like this,

but I feel like I could really do positive work in this field. Maybe we should ask Yoshi about this. I feel like he might know. He's definitely the guy to ask. I feel like it's a very niche market. Yep. I may have to, I may have to differentiate myself. It sounds like there's a lot of girls out there that can fart,

but who can really make it their kind of fart, you know? You could do this one. There's one of just farting on the toilet. So you don't have to really go anywhere, you know? That's a good idea. A little extra cash from the, from the club, you know what I mean? Yeah. And then if anything falls out, that's just bonus, you know?

Do I get paid extra? Yeah, let's see. Yeah, she has a hot one. That was a real hot one. That was horrible. Oh, I really have to get this out of here. I don't know if I want to hear this, yeah. Oh, that's a hot one.

That's diarrhea. She's dire. Real hot. I didn't ask for, I asked for extra cheese on my fed of Chini. Is that what she said? Yeah, that was the setup. Yeah, you gotta have a good setup. But extra cheese on fed of Chini wouldn't give that to me.

I would go extra sriracha, extra hot sauce on the fuck. I gotta say, as somebody who's just getting into the fart game here with this, the big videos, I really appreciate the meatier, fuller farts. Yeah. They're harder to come by. Yeah. And they're, they're just, you know, it's just like a bigger payoff, you know? You know what I mean?

There's somebody out there that like wine connoisseurs is a fart-a-sour. Of course. Who knows, who knows the composure, the smell. Yeah, all the, yeah. What's that? She's smacking her stomach. Well, that's stupid. That's not how you get a fart.

I don't think so either. Everybody knows that. So far, I'm just... Do you know what my method is? What's your method? Time honored. If I have to, let's say I ate, this happened to me the other day. I had a lot of veggies in my pasta.

I feel the farts, but they're not coming down. You go for a walk, walking helps. If not, lay down, I lay on my left side. And I don't know why, but when I lay on my left side, the farts come right out. Right side, not the same. How about you? Oh. Oh my gosh.

That was a bad one. That was a bad one. Yeah. That was a meat fart. But see, that's something I can appreciate. If I'm subscribing to your fart channel, you let one of those out, I go, I got my money's worth. Now that's a fart, worthy fart.

Now, what's your technique for getting a stubborn fart out? I find that when I lay on my left side, that's a good start. I just said that, so you're taking mine? No, that's what, I'm just being honest. If I really got to get one out, I mean, I think the walk works. I think laying on your back and rolling, pulling your, lifting your legs up like you're going to have your diaper changed. Kind of rolling back and forth.

Excuse me. I've seen you do that more for theatrical performance pieces, you know, when you really like to show me a performance before the fart comes out. But I didn't think it had utility. Yeah. No, it does. Pretty good. Hmm.

That's not bad. Not bad at all. Not bad at all. That was good, James. Yeah. That's pretty good. Home town buffet. I like that they put some music in part of it.

Wow. Ooh. Ooh, that was more than... That's a dad fart. I think the thing is, I think what just happened, I think the thing for the guys that are into this is that they, they, it's the thing of seeing the girl, the pretty girl,

not associating crazy farts with her. And then she does let out a big stinky man, meaty fart. And then they go, wow, that's their turn on, right? I don't know. Because she goes against what you expect. Against type, if you will. Mm-hmm. Like a delicate little flower.

Right. God, that's so my genre. I feel like I've mastered that one. All right. It's enough. I think we've covered it. I mean, the last one was hard to take. Cause it sounded like burping mixed in with the farting.

Well, you know, some of our listeners like to let us know when they don't like certain sounds. So I want to give them something to get fired up about. I love the emails where they go. I don't appreciate when you play these types of clips. So I'm hoping to get a few of those. Well, yeah, because they go, oh, I can't listen to it at work. Oh, but our podcast, let's be honest,

you never could listen to out loud. Yeah, what are you talking about? I mean, if you're working at, you know, the local charity or the Salvation Army, whatever, you shouldn't be listening to our podcast out loud. If you didn't like what I played, send me an email, yourmomspodcastatgmail.com. Yourmomspodcastatgmail.com.

Let me know what you thought of. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I can't believe I farted. She sounds like such a pig. Oh my gosh. Man, so we got a clip sent in by a listener. I thought it was pretty great.

It is, I'll just let it speak for itself. But the clip was sent in and it's from a prison. It's a prison related clip and it involves a couple of people who talk about basically two men rape another man. So that's kind of the back story, if you will. You like that? Sounds like a clear setup to me. All right, let's go for it.

It's what happens in prison. I give him the grease and I tell him to put something on his finger, stick it in his ass and kind of like fuck yourself, to loosen himself up because I know he had never been penetrated before. It was his first time. Just an old penitentiary trick that I learned from some old convicts. If he screamed rape, you know what I'm saying? He had grease on his fingernail, so he greased his own self up.

You know what I'm saying? He's not so smart. You know, sometimes these prisoners are so ingenious. I mean, would you ever think in a million years to tell the guy, hey, grease your own asshole up so that I don't get accused of rape? Right, and the guy doesn't know that that's why you're having him do that. Ingenious. If he applied this wisdom to the real world, he could be the next Bill Gates.

Next iPhone, absolutely. Fuck your own ass with this iPhone. Hey, man, put this iPhone in your ass. I'm just going to basically lie and tell him I've been fucking. He's been my boy. Hey, are they going to buy it? You know what I'm saying? I'm going to go to the extreme and get four or five of the guys that lie and say,

I've been fucking him too. Been taking care of him. He's been my boy. I said, what if I take this knife and stab it right through your face? I said, what do you like? This is the other guy. So the two of them raped this guy. This is so they're cutting to the other guy who's saying,

and his part of it is, how about I stab your fucking face? Oh, so it's a double threat. It's a double threat. So you're like, he's scared now when you see this knife. That's an offer he can't refuse. Hey, are they going to buy it? You know what I'm saying? I'm going to go to the extreme and get four or five of the guys that lie and say,

I've been fucking him too. Been taking care of him. He's been my boy. I said, what if I take this knife and stab it right through your face? I said, what do you like that? So he's like, he's scared now when you see this knife. You know what I'm saying? They had a knife to my eye and one in my throat right here in my jibbler.

And I'm telling him, I can just feel him sticking in. If they put any pressure on him, it's going to cut me wide open. So that's the guy that got raped. I go to fucking him. You know what I'm saying? Slowly at first. You know what I'm saying? I'm trying to loosen him up.

And it was tight. You know what I'm saying? Like, he was definitely a virgin. He's groaning and, you know what I'm saying? Moaning and telling me how it hurts. So, you know, I bag out a little bit. At this time, my dog, he at the door. You know what I'm saying?

He's standing in front of the cell. So he's like, man, come on, man. God damn. Don't hurry up, man. Let me, I'm going to get you grade two. I said, well, come on, I get up off of him. I'm in the middle of it. Now I'm there.

So I can't, I can't well chop now. You know what I'm saying? I got to go and go through with it. You know what I'm saying? So I'm, I'm like stuck, stuck there in here with the grease himself up. Stuck. I'm stuck in his asshole. Oh, is that what he means?

Well, he's saying I'm stuck in this situation. Like, I'm already a part of this now. I got, you know, I'm already in this. I got to do what I got to do. But literally he's literally stuck in the dude's asshole. Oh, he's fucking that guy. Well, there you go. Stupid.

That's what you get for raping. He shows him no mercy. Oh, he fucks him for real. You know, since I had to tell him, hold up, man. No slow down. Chill out, man. You know what I'm saying? You don't want to hurt him for real.

You know what I'm saying? You have to go to the hospital and you know what I'm saying? That's going to automatically, he's going to automatically have to say what happened. He has sex with him first. Then I have sex with him. Then he has sex with me. I have sex with him. Then he has sex with him.

And then that was the end of it. So I didn't finish it further. I see. I don't know if you, the original guy, very smart. Like as we were talking about, he's probably the next Bill Gates. Right. He's saying to the other guy, take it easy because if you really fuck him up in the ass, he'll end up in the hospital and then he'll have to say what happened.

Correct. So he's telling him, take it easy on him. Right. So that there's no injuries. Right. That's nice if you're rapist. Yeah. They'll give you that one.

Very nice. You know what I'm saying? So I fucking, you know, I come off. I get my dude. The next day, you know what I'm saying? He goes to say, in prison, that's a lock up. So I'm liking my heart. I'm like, damn, we through.

We didn't got us a rape case. That was telling me bullshit about like, you know, if you're getting in trouble, they're lying. So you brought it on yourself and shit like that. And I was believing them. They had me in a position where they had me spooked. You know what I mean? Cause I was looking to make parole and everything.

And I wasn't trying to get into a conflict. I say, you got two choices. You can either be with me or you can go pack your shit and go tell them folks to lock you up and go back to lock up. Reluctantly, Matt agreed to become another one of Mark's boys. So after he got raped, he was so scared. He was so scared to say something. Yes.

Cause he's up for parole. Now I learned from that show orange is the new black on Netflix that when you're up for parole, sometimes other inmates will try to sabotage that and fuck with you. So like they're fucking with this guy. Like they probably knew he was up for parole and that's why he didn't want trouble. Cause no matter what happens in prison, like let's say you were the victim of some kind of bullying, they still blame you. Like you're somehow implicated, even though this poor guy probably, I don't know what

he did. Probably didn't incite rape. Right. No, you definitely said that. Wow. The only thing I ask of you, don't try to make me be like a, a sissy, a girl inside of prison. We hook up.

You don't say everything was lovey-dovey. You don't say, um, relationship was gravy. All good. Um, I transferred. The warden had Mark shipped out of limestone again, but everyone knew Matt had been turned out. The other men all wanted their shot. Oh geez.

So the guy, the initial iPhone creator that we're talking about gets shipped to another bill Gates has gone and now that his, his dominant boyfriend is gone. All the other guys go, this guy's down to fuck. Where's my piece? So now he's everybody's slam piece right in the prison. Cause he didn't, he didn't, he didn't stand up for himself. He didn't turn the guy in and everybody knows he's weak. And he's fucking.

And we can fuck him. Oh geez. And he got this other dude, you know what I'm saying? He wound up having sex with him. He was doing so bad. So he wound up selling to another dude. And that dude wound up selling to another dude. So now we're three dudes down who are selling this guy.

And all this, what he was going through was result. Cause nobody mess with him. He's a blood. He just went crazy. He just went to sleep with different guys. I mean, just, just tossing the ass up. You know what I'm saying? They knew everybody fucked.

Oh. It was just something that happened in the penitentiary that I left in the penitentiary. I mean, even the girl I got now, I mean, she the fucking fuck. I can't, I mean, I can't lose her about some humbug shit. I mean, if I can keep it for my family for, I done four and a half years and then now I'm out six months and they still don't know how to have any idea. I don't think it'll be a problem. And they ask me questions all the time.

A good way to have them not find out is to do a television show about it. That way nobody finds out ever that you did this stuff. I know. How was college like shit? I guess the penitentiary made me a real good liar. If he stayed gone for five, six years or whatever, if he ever come back to prison and there's someone in prison that remember him from then, he will always be a boy. Isn't that crazy?

So if anybody ever spots that dude, if he gets locked up again, they'll be like, that's a dude that puts out. He's DTF. Yeah. Well, like I said, you should totally watch Orange as a New Black. If you haven't seen on Netflix yet, it's a, I'm not huge in the scripted series. Yeah. It's so interesting.

Now. I saw the book in a bookstore this weekend when I was in the airport. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't read the book. I just saw the, I watched like every episode in the day, but the thing is with prison, apparently is that when someone fucks with you like that, you immediately have to fight back and you have to show that you're not down to be punked like that.

So that's rule number one. And this guy didn't stand up to him because he was afraid of losing parole. And now, and look, he's everybody's fucking slam piece. Crazy, right? So sad. Men are way more brutal though. Absolutely. I think.

God. And the girls just kind of hook like you wife up. Yeah. Pretty quick. Yeah. The dudes are like, I'm just going to take it. But the worst thing that would happen to you is some girl who's really undesirable is like your mind.

And you're like, okay. And like you're her, you're her bitch, I guess, but she's still like, like she likes you. Yeah. Like that happened in Orange as a New Black. Yeah. But what that girl did was just like break her heart and be like, I can't be your wife. But see, there's real emotions involved in that.

Yeah. Men are like, I'm going to rape you. And so is this other guy. So crazy. And then we're going to sell you to somebody else and he's going to rape you. I mean, it's fucking brutal. Why? Why?

Why so savage? Because guys need to fuck. And if the only thing around is another guy, they're going to rape him unless he gives it up. So crazy. I know a guy who served time and he told me that one day he's a black guy and he told me that he was in the library and in the where the library. Thank you.

I'm very that these other guys who were black were fucking a guy, raping a guy. And when he walked in there, they asked him if he wanted something. He's like, you want some of this? And he was like, no, I'm good. And the guy who was being held down was like, what the fuck, man? Like, why are you doing this? Because he was also black. And they were like, look, man, we're using lube, like we're using Vaseline.

It's a privilege. Like if you were white, we'd be doing this raw. So they were telling him like, you know, he was getting the benefit of Vaseline. It's nice. And I also saw some prison documentary where they use like saran wrap or a garb, like, you know, plastic baggies for condoms in some cases. If you're lucky, if a guy uses, yeah, you hear that, that's fee. That's the fee finator.

That's a wonderful place. Mm-hmm. People leave that too. It's pretty crazy. Now it's interesting that black on black, because I know in prison from what I've learned from television is that it is segregated generally. They don't do black on black. This guy told me, I think he was in Rikers.

I don't know where I think it was in New York. And yeah, it's what he said, library and that the guys were raping a guy who, and they offered him a piece and he was like, no, I'm good. And then they told him that they were using lube because he was black. Oh, that's great, Tom. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Who's been, what would you do if you went to prison?

Yeah, it's one of the most horrifying scenarios to just take, you know, consider. Well, you're a big dude. So I think you would fare pretty well, like you intimidate a little, you got to watch it. First of all, they know right away that I'm not a convict, you know, I'm not a fucking career criminal. Yeah. And they would try to, yeah, my only chance would be to do like what you're talking about.

And that is the first time I get fucked with to like, just go for it and fucking punch somebody back. Yeah. You got to fight back. And you got to join up with a gang. Well, you got to click up with your own race. With your race, yeah. Like orange is any black.

That's what they do immediately. She's like, you're white. You have to hang out with the white girls. And that's how it is. I don't really, I don't think you have a choice, but they also intermingle, like the Latinas talk to the whites, the blacks talk to the Latino, like they actually are cool with each other. I don't think that happens as much in men's prisons.

I don't know. I don't think the South Siders and the Crips are really like, Hey, man, what's up? What's up with that? Can I borrow your towel? I don't think so. I got a friend who got locked up here, um, down to Twin Towers downtown LA. Oh yeah. It's one of our county jails and it's one of the worst jails.

There's a difference between jail and prison and LA County jails are notoriously horrible. And this dude went and, um, he's half Mexican. He got a bunch of, he loves getting tats, but he got like gang like tats, even though he's a, uh, not in any gang and never has been in a gang. So basically tats to look like you're in a gang, right? To look cool. Like Mexican gang bangers, like that, that old cholo stuff. Yeah, right.

So he's a Mexican guy who wanted to be tough and he wanted to look like a lot though. Yeah. So what he did was he got all these tats that like to the, you know, to the amateur eye, you're like, Oh, is this dude in a gang? And that's what he wanted you to think, but he's, he's a, you know, like raised in a good family. He went to school, has a job. Like he's not a gang banger.

Well, the problem is he got a DUI and when he got locked up, they just looked at him and they were like, Oh, this dude's, uh, what, what he, you know, like, what's set you claiming? He was just like, I'm a South sider, like making shit up. They throw him in, uh, twin towers downtown and day one, one of the inmates punches a guard. So a riot breaks out in the jail, the whole jail goes on lockdown. He, instead of being like released 24 hours later is just forgotten about, and he's just

in this horrible, horrible place with like truly brutal violent criminals. There are people just doing horrific things. He says he couldn't shit. He goes, I couldn't shit. You can't shit because there's one toilet in the middle of the room, right? No, for him, it was that he would go, you know, there's open, there's a bunch of toilets, but he said he would go sit down on the toilet and when he wanted to shit, like, like, let's say three white guys or three black guys will go to the sink over there and he would have

so much anxiety about, are they about to jump me or kill me or something that he would just pull his pants up and so he just kept every day. He was like, I wasn't shitting for anyways, he gets forgotten about for two weeks. Oh my God. And they ship him from Twin Towers downtown to the county jail that's in the valley, which I think is near like Sherman Oaks or something. And that within the jail system in LA is called the Hyatt because it's so much nicer than downtown.

And then after another day or two there, he like finally gets to talk to somebody and he's like, aren't I supposed to be like released and they're like, oh yeah, yeah, you are supposed to be out of here. You're out of here. I don't care. But he said downtown was so like among other things was so crazy that like the guards were super hostile and super racist and everybody's conversation with everybody was based on race. So they were just called Peckerwood, Beaners, you know, like it was just all racial shit

between guards and him. So like he was like, like probably like you or I would think like, excuse me, can I ask you something to fuck you talk about being very fucking good? Yeah. He's like, holy shit. Like they were just super, super hostile to him, which I understand why that comes about. But he said it was unbelievable, unbelievable. So jail, that's the whole point is like go to jail.

Jail sound. It's a party. If you want to meet new friends, yeah, talk to a lot of guys, yeah, get some cool tats. It's pretty rad. What did I see? Oh, remember we were watching that documentary on prison and the girl that instead of eyebrows had tattoos. Remember she had like gang symbols for eyebrows.

That was like a CNN thing or something. Yeah, that was neat. Oh, no, it was that Nancy Grace went behind bars to talk to the women behind bars. And the awfulest thing is like, this lady, she was like, you know what I mean, we get food from the commissary and give some food. I made like a orange chicken and like you look and she's like, yeah, orange chicken. I take rice. I put a tuna fish on it and then I put some Kool-Aid on top of the tuna fish.

It's like sweet and sour or orange chicken. Like that is fucking horrendous. It's horrible. Like they make the these poor people just there's no food. There's no good food in prison. So you have to make do what you have. It's the worst. Yeah.

You want to take some phone calls? Oh my God. Yeah. Let's take some calls. Okay. All right. Let's take this call. All right.

Yo. What's up? Holy shit. I got through. Hi. Hi, Jeans. Hello. What is up guys?

Stop shirt. Stop shirt. Do you have a love or relationship question you want to ask the mommies? I do. I'm seeing my girlfriend. We've been together for two years now and you know, we get a lot of like makes a lot of economic sense to move in together, which would be awesome, but she's kind of got the whole I need a ring and a commitment and the blood of a virgin and all this stuff.

And you know, I don't know. I don't know where I'm at with that. How old are you guys 27 and she is 27 also. And you guys been together for how long? Two years. Where do you live? What's that? Give me a state.

What state are you in? Just out of curiosity. Southern California. Oh, okay. Southern California. Okay. Yeah. Cause the only reason I ask is in some states it's like you're, you may as well be 50 years

old if you're 27 and not married. I'll tell you something man. Do you really like this girl? Are you down? Are you going to? Are you ready to ride or die? I am. I am, but I don't, you know, I don't, it's all kind of like going

quick. So I'm like, oh, I haven't saved up for a ring. I haven't, you know, thought of anything fancy. That part is okay. I mean, if you really, like if you really think you're going to end up with this girl, you don't have to, it doesn't have to be a fancy, I mean, if, if, if a girl is like, well, this isn't fancy enough and like big enough, you know, that's, that's, that's its own problem.

You know what I'm saying? That's somebody who ultimately doesn't, I don't think really give a shit about who they're with. If the most important thing is how big that ring is, um, I think what's more important is that if you use somebody you really want to be with, then this is the time to either make that jump or not. It's been a couple of years, right? Right.

I've known her for, uh, I think over three, we've been together for about two. And are there any clear red flags that she have kids, does she have, you know, what's the deal? No, she's totally awesome. She's, she's, uh, no kids and she does everything. That's why, that's why I called in because she does everything by the book. You know, you got to do the ring and the live together, then the marriage, then the kids. All right.

Well, here's the thing. I'll tell you something. This chick is right. And here's why I lived with a dude before I was married and it was probably, and I know it's not very progressive and hip to say this, but I think it was a big mistake because it is like a marriage. Okay. What living together is the same as being married for the most part.

You mean me not sharing bank accounts, but it's a huge deal. And when you break up, if you do, it's devastating. So I would never, ever, ever live with a man ever again without a ring, without a commitment. And, um, I don't know, that's my piece to you, man, because it is dev, it's devastating because you don't take it as seriously if you just live together. You really don't. Right. And if you're down with her, I'd say snagger, uh, cause if you don't, she might move on.

Yeah. If she means the most to you, then do it, man. Sometimes those, sometimes those, I mean, ultimatums can be viewed a couple of different ways, but sometimes if they go, look, I need this or I'm moving on, you got to consider, is, is it okay to move on? Yeah. I mean, if you really are crazy about her, get her that ring. Do it, bro.

And don't worry about the money. If she loves you, she'll stick around. We were broke as a joke when Tommy and I were married and look at us now. Yeah, buddy. All right. Go post or call us back and let us know what happens. All right. Thanks, buddy.

Are you there? Caller. Hello. Are you there? Mommy. We got dropped by. Oh, I think I hung up on them. It's all very new.

It's we, the fucking call waiting thing is killing me. I don't know. We don't know how to do this. I know. I know. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Hello. Jeans. Are you there? Jeans.

What's up? Tommy Bonds. What's up? What up, man? Christina P. What's up? Hi, Mommy. Jeans.

Yes. Hey, what's going on guys? It's Steven from Georgia. Hi, Steven. What's up, Steven? Long time fan. Hey, question. How far in Tommy until you whipped out the All Star to make Christina fall in love with

the D. Was this first date, was this first date where you're like, you know what, this is number one bitch right here. I'm going to pull out the All Star and I got to show her the D. You know what I'm saying? It was pretty early on. What's the question? Is it how long before we banged? Did I show you the goods? No, no, no.

I'm not trying to get personal. Come on, Christine. Don't be inappropriate. Don't be inappropriate. I'm not trying to get personal. I'm just trying to figure out when Tommy Bones pulled out the D and he's like, here it is. Here it is. Why don't it?

Yeah. That's a great question. I'll tell you exactly what happened when Christine and I went out on a date. It was like 30 minutes into the date and she was like, are we going to fuck or what? And I was like, yeah. And then she was like, let's see the goods. I showed him to her and then we did it like on the first date. That's not a joke.

Game on. Sound about right. That's the... How dare you out me like that, Tom? That's what happened. Thanks for your call, man. Appreciate it. Thank you, mommy.

Love you guys. Yo, what up? Jeans. Are you there? Hello, mommy. Are you there? Yo, what's up? What's up, Jeans?

What up, man? You got a love question? I can barely hear you. You can't hear? I can hear you. I can't hear Christina. I'm far away. Can you hear me?

Can you hear her now? I can hear a little bit. Okay. What's up, man? None. Ready to get ready for work. Listen to y'all. Okay.

Do you have a question for us at all? Yeah. My girl is kind of hitting her. She wants another baby, but I don't want another girl. I want another baby. Okay. Damn. You don't want to try?

I want to try, but I don't want another girl. How many girls do you have? I have one. Only one girl. How many kids? Do you have any other kids? No. Only one.

All right. How old is the girl? She's 39. No, no. But how old is your little girl? Your child. Oh. She's 10-4.

Well, you got to roll a dice, man. That's not her name. Yeah, man. That's a tough one, dude. That is a tough one. I mean, it's really, and it's up to your beanbag, too. So you can't really even, you know, it's up to your boys. A man who determines gender.

So it's on you. I don't know how to get out of that, man. I mean, do you want a kid who used to want it to be a boy? I am a huge football fan. He is a college fan. I want a boy. You know what, dude? Why don't you just raise, if you have another girl, just raise her as a boy.

There you go. That's what I would do. Just really, really butcher up. And that way you don't have to worry about dudes trying to bang her when she's older. Just, you know, cut her hair short, get her into push-ups early on, and then a lot of football. You know what? That's actually not bad advice. There's a lot of girls that are gender traders like Sarah Tiana who just loves football.

She does love football. So maybe if you start early, you can get this girl on board. Yeah, yeah. Give it a shot, man. Yeah. Yeah. Go for it, man. I think you're going to have a boy.

Me too. I think you're going to, you know what? The universe will provide you what you want. Just go for it. Bang her extra hard, and then when you release, just... Think boy thoughts. Think about men when you're finishing, and then you'll have a boy. All right?

There you go. All right. Call me out. See you next month. Sounds good, brother. Thanks a lot, man. Thank you. See you then.

Wow. This is... Ah, here we go. Yo, you're on your mom's house. Who's talking? This would be Von Hobbin from Denver. Von Hobbin. Hi, Denver.

I remember you. How are you guys doing? Good. How's it going? Not bad. Hey, sorry for knocking over the bottle at the show. No. Wow.

You got a really good memory, man. No. Well, my wife, she didn't bring her ID, so I had to put my bottles on the ground. No worries, dude. Okay. My love question. Yeah. Remember you asked her what she wanted you to ask a sexual question?

Wait, did you have your wife stand up? Yes, and she was the one who said that she wanted to fuck me in the ass with a dildo. Right. Right. I was kind of nervous about that one. Is that a real prospect? Is it possible that that might happen? No.

But for her fantasy, is there anything you think I can actually do to create something like that for her? Interesting. Oh, that's interesting. So what is the fantasy that she puts on a strap on? Lay out the fantasy first. Her? She just wants to strap a dildo on it and get behind me and just go to town.

And that's a real thing she wants. It's not just a joke. 100%. And then would you be comfortable with maybe not a full dildo, but maybe a finger in your bum cakes, maybe a little preliminary? How about maybe a baby carrot? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, look, they make dildos in all sizes. Something small. Would you be open to maybe not a full man's size, but a smaller size? I think the finger idea is a great way to start. Start there. Sorry, I just realized that our window is open for a neighbor. It's called payback for the party or something. Yeah, right.

I think you should start with a finger. And I think you should... You know what else you could do to play up her fantasy? Is you could actually do a little bit of acting, a little role-playing. And maybe if her fantasy is for you to be like really taking it, you could actually play it up. Yeah. Oh, it's so big.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, no, I would go to town. I'd completely play with it. That's what I'm saying. Okay. So if you're willing, it sounds like you're down to be part of the game, which is cool. I think that's part of a healthy relationship. Then you can just play up whatever her fantasy is.

You're not going to strap on a fucking foot-long dildo. But you can act like there's something there and then I'll play... You know, you can do it with a little something and I'll act like it's a lot more. I think that's a good way to get it done. Yeah. Start small, work your way up. Okay. Should I wait?

Because we're going on our eight-year anniversary come soon. Should I just wait till the 10th? No. No. You don't want to wait on anal. Yeah, man. You got to work your way up to that stuff. Go for it.

Go for it. Yeah, go for it. All right. All right. The war of art style, right? There you go. Yeah. What a wonderful husband you are.

You are. You're a good man. You're going to have a nice long marriage. Yeah. Go for it and let us know how it goes. I want feedback. All right? Yeah.

I absolutely love you. Sorry, Christina, that I missed you, but next time I will be there. All right. Thanks, brother. I love that. Thank you. All right. Jesus.

Yo, what up? Hello? Hello. Hello. You're on. You're on with us. Hi, Gene. Hey, you know what?

We're going to join another caller right now. Hello. What's going on? Are you there? Yeah. Tommy. Christina. Hi.

Hello. Who's this? Hey. Hey, who is this? This is Will Moore. Cincinnati. I've been using them on Twitter. Oh, hi.

How's it going, man? Hi. I think I accidentally hung up on another listener. I'm sorry. Oh. Theo with the scratching. So what's up, man? What's up, buddy?

Do you have a question for us? Yeah. I was just wondering, what's it like for you guys to be apart for so long? I mean, through much of the week, do you think it makes your relationship harder? Or does it make it like better when you two are together? Especially now since you have a baby FIFO. Interesting. Interesting.

I think every relationship you should spend at least four days a week apart. And then when you get back together, it's like the first time you've met. It actually is works for us. It does work for us. And I advise everybody, if you're married or in a long term, get a hobby, man. You need time apart. You need something to talk about. It does.

And then the funny thing is that now we're so conditioned to being far apart all the time that when we spend like a couple of weeks together, we're like, we're looking forward to going on the road this week. It's going to be fun. Like we do. We do. It's funny. Maybe you do.

I don't feel that way. That's interesting. Okay. You said that. All right. Thanks, Will. Appreciate it. Thanks, Will.

Hello, Collar. Are you there? Yes, I am. Did I hang up on you? Yeah, probably. Sorry. Sorry about that. I'm really trying to figure out this Skype call waiting is making us lose our minds.

What's up, buddy? What's your question? I just want to know what your guys opinion was on online dating. Love it. Do it. Find your genre. What are you? Christian?

Non-Christian? Jewish? Gay? Whatever. There's a site for you. Okay. Yeah. Do it.

Do you have any recommendations? Oh, I don't know. Match. Match is... Are they Christian? No, match is just... They're marriage-oriented. Yeah.

I think match... No, e-harmony is the marriage. E-harmony. Sorry. Match... I think match is a pretty rely. I mean, I've heard good things from a number of them. I mean, I feel like plenty of fish is for like kind of the knuckle-draggers.

So like, if you don't really value yourself, check out plenty of fish. Jesus. If you're down to fuck, if you're looking for just to get your dick wet, then J-Day. Because Jewish girls love the suck it. Okay. That is so not true. It's totally true. I had so much success with Jewish girls.

That is so stupid. That is so stupid. Now, listen. What's your name? Sorry. My name is Gerald. Gerald. No.

Gerald? Gerald. Gerald. Jerry. Jerry. He said Joe, J-O-E. Oh, sorry, buddy. So, Joe, let me give you a word of advice.

Your profile picture is everything, okay? This is good advice, Joe. So, listen. Okay. Don't go shirt. Don't do the shirtless selfie. Don't take a picture of you and your khakis in your cubicle. Don't do something obscure and silly like you playing ping-pong with the chicken head

on. Don't have a second person in that shot. God, no. Have it just you. You... And have it be a good-looking photo of you. A good shot. Okay.

Nice. Just face or like... Chest up. Chest up. Chest up. Or like the whole body or like... Chest up. Chest up.

And don't be super deceptive either. Like, if you weigh 300 pounds, don't pick a picture of you that makes you look 185. Okay? Right. Of course. You don't want that either on the other. You don't want somebody that misrepresents themselves. It doesn't mean you have to...

If you're a big dude, you don't have to find the worst photo of yourself. Like, just don't mislead people, you know what I mean? And no fucking smiley faces or winky faces on the profile, like in the words, do not do that. Women that is kryptonite to vagina. Right. You can smile in your photo. She's saying don't use a little emo con.

Emoticons. Yeah. Don't fucking do that. And be specific. What about a mug shot? How would I go? You got it. Take a picture of your bowel movements.

Especially if there's like an assault charge or something attached to it. That'd be great. Like a black eye. Yeah. Perfect. That'll get you the girl of your dreams. Get laid. Yes.

Well, good luck. I hope you find love. Yeah, Joe. Let us know how it goes. Yes, please. Thanks, Jeans. Thanks, Jeans. Hello, Jeans.

Are you there? Hello. Hi. Hi, Jeans. Hi, Jeans. Yo, yes. What's up? You're on the air.

Oh, my God. I'm surprised they got through. Yeah, man. I thought you'd be flooded. I thought you'd be flooded with mommies all over the world, Colin. It's been ringing a lot. We're having trouble with our call waiting, but what's going on? Well, I'm glad to get through.

I see you want some love and relationship questions. Yes. I'm a long-time listener. I'm happy to be able to talk to you for once in my life. Sure, man. Thanks. Well, my story is I broke my neck in 2007 in a diving accident when I was 22. And I've kind of still been getting through that.

I'm now a quadriplegic in a wheelchair, and I have not gotten into the dating scene of any kind since my accident. Like I had a girlfriend at the time, and she ended up, we ended up kind of breaking off shortly after I had my accident. And so, I was just wondering if you guys might have any advice on where I could start back on the dating scene. Well, that's funny you ask, because we just had a caller that asked about online dating. And I think that there has to be a place for somebody in your particular position and people

out there. Yeah. I don't even think you have to seek out a site that caters to people that have disabilities or anything. I think... No, no. Yeah, I'm saying I've seen a number, I mean a large number of people who have had success dating able-bodied people that are paraplegic, quadriplegic.

I mean, a number of them. So... You have like some fetishes or something, right? Well, I think that first of all, you're a man, which is a... Huge advantage in society. You date women? Yes. Yeah, you said you had a girlfriend.

I mean, the thing about women is that they really are so much better in their... As far as what they look for in dating... They look for intrinsic qualities. Yeah, it really is. It's night and day. Not as shallow as us guys right now. Absolutely. But I'm saying, why not go to a site that...

So it puts it out there on the table. Well, I'm saying he can do that on a regular site. He can, yes. He can too. He can try both. Well, why not try both? You can try both, of course. But I'm saying you can go on...

Yeah, and I being a man, I'm pretty shallow. My standards are even... Even though I haven't had sex in six years, my standards are still quite high. Yeah. So I don't think I'd be going for any semi-retarded ladies or anything. Yeah, and I don't think... The thing is, you're lucky in that you really don't have to. I mean, A, first of all, I think it's great if friends of yours can introduce you to people.

That's always a great way to meet people. But if you want to go the site route, here's what I would do. I think you should do the same thing we told another caller, which is be completely honest in your profile. Put up a profile that has you in a chair, that has you looking good, like a good picture of you, and that has you being completely forthright about your... You don't define yourself by this accident. So you put that it's there.

This is my current condition. Here's all my likes. Here's my dislikes. I like going to the movies, blah, blah, blah. Whatever you really are, and you're going to get all kinds of people interested, I would not doubt that for a second. Right, right. Well, I definitely have thought about that over the years, and I just haven't really

ever put the effort out to do it. Please do this. If you do do this, please let us know how it goes. My Twitter is at CrocodileGondi. That's you? Oh, yeah. Yeah. You're always fucking starting shit.

I like to talk shit. Yeah, I fucking figured that out. I also made some good... I also made some photoshop for you guys. Good. All right. Thanks. I love the show.

Thank you. And I listen every time, I listen to it when it drops, as you like to say. All right. Good. All right. And I liked... There was a thing on Twitter the other day when Christina, your dad, was on there. That was hilarious.

But it would be awesome to have a show where both of your dads talked about, be like a three-way Skype or something like that. We could do that. Yeah. That's a good idea. Talk about some real-world issues. Yeah. Yeah, not bad.

And get some arguments going. It'd be fucking hilarious. That's not a bad idea. I think we might give that a shot, man. Okay. All right. Good luck. We'll be talking to you guys and keep on doing what you're doing, and bring the show out

to Victoria, Canada, please. DC. We'll try, man. I know you've been to Vancouver, but I don't travel too much, so. Okay. All right. Well, Victoria is on the list. Check it out.

Think about it. Think about it. Thanks, buddy. All right. Thanks, brother. All right. Love you, mommy. Love you, too.

Bye-bye. All right. I think that's it. Should we do one last? Should we do one more? That sounds pretty good. Yo, Jeans. Are you there?

Are you wearing your jeans? Pull them up. Pull them up. Jeans, what up? What up? Hey, I got a question. Yeah. Hey, my wife and I, we're pregnant with our first kids, and I'll tell you what, man.

She can be quite the hassle sometimes, so I need some excuses to come up with when I need to get away. You need some what? Need some excuses to come up with when I just need to get away. Oh, she's just like nagging you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm just kind of wears on you, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Where are you calling from, by the way? What state are we? I'm calling from Kansas City, Missouri. Kansas City?

Yeah. Yeah, dude. How far along is she in this pregnancy? She's three months along. I mean, football season hasn't started yet, so I mean, that's a natural excuse, but I need something to build in. Yeah. Can you say or out doing something for her and then go do something else?

Like, is there a way for you to sneak out? I'm going to go buy you some stuff and then go play. Yeah, but you can only do that so many times. Yeah, that's true. Wow. I mean, what about hobbies? Do you have any hobbies? Yeah, we got some hobbies.

We just bought a house. We're doing stuff around here. There you go. There you go. Well, go work on the house, or you know what? Home Depot. Tell her you're getting ready for a marathon. You need to train.

So just go out. I think you guys got it. You guys got it right there. Yeah. And then what you do is you don't have to actually train for it. No. Just go for like a walk, smoke a joint, and then you'll be like, yeah, it was a great run.

I got in three miles today. That's right. Really improving. Yeah. Yeah. Say, I'm getting in shape for the new baby, and I got to go. I got to go to the gym, and then you go do what you want, man. Yeah.

It's great. And then just wear a t-shirt and shorts. Come and hose yourself a little bit. Make you look sweaty. Yeah. There you go. And you're set. Boom.

Well, congratulations on the first kid, man. Yes, congrats. Thanks, guys. Thanks for talking to me. It's been awesome. For sure, brother. All right, wipe down. Wipe down.

Always, always. Thanks, Jeans. That was super fun. What are we going to do about the call waiting? Do bro. I don't know. I mean, I'm looking at the preferences. I don't know how to do this.

I really don't know. Fuck, man. How could somebody not help us out with this? Guys, is there anybody that knows how to do this on Skype? Yeah, we got to figure this out, man. Or, well, we'll talk about this off air. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Long show. You guys are really cool. I was expecting to get a lot of goofs, like a lot of people being like, you guys, oh, how much did you shit today? But nobody did that fucking crocodile Gandhi. That guy's always talking shit. I know. All right.

I think he's talking shit to me and I was like, of course he has. He's a little shit stirrer. And then they talk to you and they're like the nicest people ever. God, I don't you hate that about, about the internet. Yeah. You think someone's a total chode and then you talk to them and you're like, oh, you're a nice guy. You fuck.

Because most people are decent in real life. I know. They're not. Somebody go, um, send crocodile Gandhi some tweets and somebody go have sex with him. It's been a while. He's in Vancouver. No. He's in Victoria.

If you're in Victoria and you like crocodile Gandhi, that's where to find them. It's a big match. BC, man. Um, all right. We got to get out of here. Oh, jeans. Oh, my dirty jeans. What a fun episode.

That was fun. Yeah. That was fun. I love you, my little jeans. All right. I love you too. Let's do this. Let's go.

I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you. Love Kenseth, Love Kenseth, Love Kenseth, Love Kenseth, Love Kenseth, Love Kenseth,

Love Kenseth, Love Kenseth, Love Kenseth, Love Kenseth, Love Kenseth, Love Kenseth, Love Kenseth, Love Kenseth,

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