Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 142-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

Do you share your garden with your neighbors? No? You Pinocchio nosed whore! If all kinds of crazy is what you like then this is the episode for you! We revisit the genius that was Anne Ramsey (Throw Mama From The Train), a lady who can talk to animals spoke to Theo and she has something to say! Buns talks doin WORK in Richmond, fart fetishes are revealed by our listeners - YOU can't get enough! Plus airline perks should be obeyed, Would You Rather and more!

Get out of my dreams. Get into my genes. This is the Top Dog Trance. It sounds like he's on Space Mountain. Matthew Miller, I think you've said in stuff before, good job. Yeah, it's exceptional. I like it a lot. You like this? It's making my stomach hurt.

Well, it is Shark Week after all. Yeah, it is. This is kind of a perfect song to commemorate the opening of Shark Week. Absolutely. Where are you this week? I'll go first this time because I'm going to be in Arizona. AZ, I haven't been back in a while. This is the Stand Up Scottsdale is where I'm going to be.

So if you're in the greater Phoenix area, I really feel like you should be at my shows. I'm only doing three nights, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. So that's the deal. Stand Up Scottsdale, come see me August 8th, 9th or 10th. Then next week, you know, we're almost there. We're doing the live shows in Houston and Dallas. It's exciting.

August 16th and 17th. Get tickets now. If you want to see us, if you're in Houston or Dallas, Houston on the 16th, Dallas on the 17th, you can get tickets at TomSegura.com, at ChristinaConley.com, or at your MomsHousePodcast.com. There are links there on my page. The links begin on go to the live shows page.

So just check it out. End of the month, August 29th through the 31st. I am doing Helium in Philadelphia. I'm very excited about it. And right after that, McGuire's in Long Island, September 5th through 7th. And that's that. We'll have some more dates coming up.

Jean, where can they see you? Jean, do you want to mention we added two one-nighters? Yeah. Oh, yeah. September 27th, Columbus, Ohio. And then September 30th, Zany's in Nashville. Yeah. Those are one night only.

One night only. The Jean's machines are coming out. Both of us together. These are stand-up shows. Yeah. So come see us. Yeah. We're not doing the podcast.

We're just doing stand-up on these. So that's totally radical. So yeah. Here's my dates. August 16th to 17th, as Tommy mentioned. I'll be with him. Yeah. Doing the mom cast.

And then Scottsdale, Arizona. August 22nd through 24th at the Comedy Spot Comedy Club. And then September 4th through 7th, Cap City Comedy Club. That'll be awesome. And that's going to be a special one because I think I might record my next stand-up CD that week there. That's awesome. That's awesome.

That's right. So if you want to be a part of my CD taping, come out. Come on. You get to hear yourself laughing forever and ever on my Comedy CD. And then after that, I'll just throw it out there because I feel like these weeks come up so quickly. Going to Toronto, Canada, September 12th through 14th. Finally, going to Canada.

You have the best time. I can't wait. Toronto for shit. Really is. I seriously, I'm excited to go back and see it. I've been pretty much blown away by most of my experiences in Canada. All the cities up there are way cooler than you might imagine. They're just great cities.

Are you saying that you like Canada better than America? I like some of their cities more than some American cities for sure. Wow. I mean, that's a totally legit thing to say. Why wouldn't I say that? I mean, Vancouver is one of my favorite cities, period. I don't think you're saying it right. Vancouver?

Yeah. And TDOT is the same way. I had a great, great. TDOT. Yeah, I'm the local. Is that what they call it? TDOT. Nobody calls it TDOT.

Bullshit. Oh, please. They say TDOT or Toronto. So if I were to go, what's up? Hey TDOT, everybody, they're like, oh, they'd be like, oh yeah, she speaks the lingo way. This bitch is from here. What up, Ontario and the motherfucking house. I don't even know.

How far is Ontario to Toronto? You're in the province of Ontario. Jesus Christ. Oh, is it in Ontario? Of course. I didn't know that. Come on. I didn't know that.

Look, here's what I know. I was born in Windsor, Ontario. Windsor is in the province of Ontario, but I didn't know Toronto was there. And by the way, my grandmother used to pronounce it Toronto. There you go. So that's how you're supposed to say it. Also acceptable. Toronto.

Also acceptable. I love Toronto. I love Toronto. She was always excited because they gave her benefits that America did not because she worked in Canada for many years. So she got to retire in Toronto. Do you say A? A?

Take off the hoser. I don't fucking come on. I'm American. Hoser? What is a hoser anyway? You for not knowing about Ontario. Such a bad Canadian, am I? Yeah.

It's terrible. I'm sorry, Canada. Yeah, it's the shit, man. You'll have a great time. And the shows are so much fun. I can't wait to get fucked up. Let's get faded, bro. Hey, wait.

So bro, is the pot legal there? Because those guys smoke pot there at that gig, right? It's at like a pot place. Hell yeah. It's legal. Oh, not like legal, legal. Like it is here. Well, no, I'm saying like it's, I don't think by law it's legal, but everybody doesn't give

a fuck and nobody enforces it. And it's a pot club. You're not doing that. That place is an actual pot club. That's so dope. Yeah. I'm going to get fucking faded. But even if you weren't, if you were just holding your dick on the side of the road,

the cops would be like, what up? I don't care. That's how cool they are there. Yeah. Yeah. They don't care. It's like the Netherlands. They don't do a fuck.

Yeah. Yeah. They don't give a shit. Good. It's awesome. I'm excited for you. You're going to have a great time. All right.

Let's start the show. Come on. You fucking know somebody on business. Why don't you? Why don't you? Why don't you take some punch and grow your own? This is not your fucking property. Go somewhere else.

I'm gonna fuck you. Go my own business. No. You just don't know what's right wrong. You're fucking here. You're like the steal. You're losing everybody's fucking business. This is goddamn alley property, bitch.

No, it's not. Just don't have your name on it. Where's your name, bitch? Excuse me. Where's your name, bitch? Where's your name? Where's your name, bitch? Who is Randy?

Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. Christina Pazitzi. Christina Pazitzi.

Welcome to your mom's house. That one was submitted to us via Eric Lundy. Lundy sent that first? Yeah. Ended up coming in quite a few times. Yeah, and the first time I saw it, I was like, this is just amazing. And that's just a fraction of how long it is. It's like five minutes of her cursing out that other woman.

It's pretty fantastic. I mean, why don't we kind of go through it a little bit? It's kind of amazing. I mean, do you want to set up the scene? To give you the idea, like the picture of what's going on here. Basically, a lady is kneeling down going through a little garden. And the garden is sitting on the outside of a fence, but you can tell that the garden extends to the inside of the fence.

In other words, this fence is cutting through the middle of this garden. The lady who you're going to hear screaming fantastic obscenities is a little mentally ill, I think. She's outside the fence, but she's going through this garden. And a lady who's much more mild-mannered, you can hear, is basically asking her like, that's not, is telling her, it's not public property. Why are you doing that?

And the other is like, fuck you, fucking whore. Right. And they're older women. Apparently these women are at least in their fifties, if not sixties. I might go, yeah, late fifties, early sixties. I mean, you can only see the real crazy one clearly. I would say you're right. Late fifties, maybe.

Clearly an age where you should be a little more enlightened. And you really shouldn't be cursing. I love, I love somebody telling her, don't you think you should be more enlightened than you are and see how she would respond? No. I mean, she's got other issues, but, and also who's recording it, I believe, is the neighbor's son.

No, no, no, no. Oh, he's just like another person. It's a woman. Right. There's two women and then, but the person recording it. Is a woman too. Oh, I thought it was a boy. I think it's a woman from the voice.

I thought, no, it's a guy. He goes, you're the one. Like you hear him chime in on the, he's like, I'm just videotaping you guys. No. I think so. I don't think so. Let's, let's give it a shot.

Dude, yeah. Okay. I thought it was a dude. Okay. Well, here's, it starts off, it's already, it's already at a 10. Yeah. When it starts.

You Pinocchio fucking knows somebody knows this. Pinocchio knows. That's an old school. Yeah. Why don't you? Why don't you? Why don't you take something? Why don't you grow your own?

She's basically telling her, I grow this shit. Okay. Because the lady is going through her garden. This is not your fucking property. Go somewhere else. You're fucking whore. That's her first like insult. Right.

Number one. It's Pinocchio and then you're a fucking whore after fuck you. Sorry. We're at like, but like to go to your whore. Yeah. Like pretty much at the beginning of the argument. It's pretty amazing. It's unwarranted too.

I mean, I don't know what she's done to. She's not acting whoreish. Not at all. No. She's not coming out in a negligee. She's just who she is. She's just throwing it all out there. Yeah.

It's great. She's just throwing it all out there. Yeah. Yeah. She's just throwing it all out there. Yeah. It's great. Now see, now I can understand Pinocchio because you're sticking your nose.

Oh, business. And maybe she's a nosy neighbor. She's a nosy one. Maybe she's been doing this for a long time and she can't take it anymore. Yeah. So she and the lady keeps saying this is alley property because like we said, this part of the, of the garden is, is outside of the fence. So the crazy ladies argument is that this belong is the alley.

It's not yours. It's nobody's property. Right. I agree. So what the fuck does she care if this crazy bitch wants to plant things? That lady disagrees. Outside the boundaries. Who cares?

Let her do it. Let her do it. That lady disagrees. Bitch. No, what's that? Just don't have your name on it. Where's your name, bitch? Where's your name, bitch?

Where's your name? What's my name? Where's your fucking name on this alley property, bitch? Where's yours? This is anybody that wants to pick it. Yes, it is. Okay, if it's anybody's property, why don't you come up here and mow it? Because my lawnmower is still a bitch with a fucking pig.

Oh, yeah, right. Yeah, you know, in the Iranian pigs around here that don't steal? That's who was stolen by bitch. And she's racist. Huh. So do you hear what she said? What did she say? She said, do you know any Iranian pigs around here that don't steal?

So she's saying that wherever they all, they live, all Iranian steal. I don't know. I don't know if that one's warranted. I lived in a Persian neighborhood growing up. Oh, I don't think it's warranted at all. Yeah, Iranians don't steal. No, no, they haggle. They haggle.

They're cooking smells pretty pungent. Or the amount of cologne. Cologne wares, absolutely. Medallions, sure. A lot of beamers, a lot of benzes. Right. Materialistic. Very much.

Track suits, yes. Yeah. But thieves, certainly not. No, I've never. It's not even, it's not even inaccurate. I think somebody should try to sit her down. We should explain this to her. I think she would be very racist.

Wait a minute. Do you mean Iranians here? They're so bad, and you steal from everybody else. Oh, I stole from my bitch. She would. She would mow the lawn. Oh, in Iran. Yeah, you know, in Iranian things around here that I steal.

That's who was stolen by bitch. That's who was stolen. She would mow that lawn. But her lawn mower was stolen by an Iranian pig. That's why you're so bad, and you steal from everybody else. Oh, I asked. Bitch, I asked the three fucking place. They don't answer their fucking doors.

Did you ever ask my mom who was there? This isn't hers. Yes, it is. What the hell? No, you. You don't have to cook anyway. Oh, are you videotaping? I'm videotaping.

Oh, we're videotaping. You're on video. I don't give a shit. This is a year. Yes, it is. It'll prove. A year. Oh, wow.

Alley property, bitch. This is a year. Alley property, bitch. I wonder what part of the world this is. This is, um, that's a good question. I wonder where that is. Doesn't she, she sounds like throw a mama from the train. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Ellen. That lady was great. Ellen. Yeah, what a great character actress. She died, you know, she died so long ago. Did she? But she was in like a bunch of stuff right in that area.

Ellen. Wasn't she in Goonies? Wasn't she the mom of Goonies? Yes, of course. She's so funny. How much would it suck to be that lady though, and in every script, it's like hideously ugly, terrible voice character. And you, and you and like every haggard old bitch in the city goes out so you know your

type. Oh, be terrible. Oh yeah. Um. Ellen. Ellen. Yeah. That's how she spoke, right?

Yeah. Get me to clean my ears out. And then she, she would make Ellen clean out her ears. What was that lady's name? Get me to clean out my ears. Ellen. That's her right there. Is that the whole clip?

Anne Ramsey. No, no, but that's the lady's name. Anne Ramsey. Anne Ramsey. She died in 88. Oh, what a treasure. God, she was so fucking funny. Imagine how much other shit she could have done.

She'd be great. I cast her in everything. Yeah. I mean, this is, let's see if we can get this to play. Um. Here we go. Eggs all over you. Oh, you've got to get it through your thick head.

I may be a lot of things, but I am not a killer. You don't have to blow her brains out or anything. Thank you. That takes the pressure right off. She's old. She's got a bad ticker. All you got to do is jerk around a lot when you talk to her. Nice to meet you, Mrs. Liff.

Stop it. Well, just meet her. Maybe she'd be somebody you'd like to kill. Oh man, what the hell's going on out there? Hey, Mama. Oh, crap. Who are you talking to? Who's in there with you?

Nobody, Mama. Who's this? This is cousin Patty. He's going to be staying with us for a while. Isn't that nice? You don't have a cousin Patty. You lied to me. That's a good scene.

Oh, shit. I fucking love this. She almost has like a speech impediment if you listen. She does it. She doesn't announce it. It's so funny. Like Eric Sermon. Yeah.

Who's Eric Sermon? EPMD. Oh, okay. Do you think you can have a reference that maybe your wife would know? EPMD. Okay. You know what I'm saying. Like this, Marky?

God. I like how she says, can I ask you, she's still polite, the lady. I haven't been in that. And I don't know what's in it. Like I care less. This is not your property. Oh, no. See what that sign is?

I don't care. That internet was inside of the troopers. No, it doesn't. Yes, it does. This is alley property. No, it's not. Don't try to claim everything in this alley. It's not yours.

Go back inside. No. It's working. This doesn't bother you a bit. You guys know all that over there. So don't fucking try to copy. You try to claim everything. Are they coming?

Go back inside. No. You're in fucking trouble, Mike. No, I'm not. I'm not stealing. You call them, bitch. You call them, sweetheart. Call them.

Don't call me, sweetheart. Anyone? What are you fucking lazy? You like that? That's the best. What are you, a fucking lazy? Had no reason to go. I went.

I went. I went. I went. I went. I went. I went. I went. I went.

I went. I went. I went. I went. I went. I went. I went. I went.

I went. I went. I was in Hordes awesome. I was like, I'm good now. I feel. Good. Good. You're not gonna make my friends.

I know. I know what. I know. Good. No, you didn't. Good. Good. Good.

Hey, good. Hey all right, good. How? Don't. I have a feeling there's lots of bad blood between these two. I have a feeling that might sting her the most when she was like, you don't even know how to cook. Yeah.

She's like, you got me a whore, but don't. Don't insult my cooking. She dare insult my cooking. I got the trouble like a whore. Trouble making whore. Back inside, you have some coffee. You're drunk and stung. Now you're drunk.

Oh my God. Oh, that's funny. I was down here in front of trouble. She don't even fucking drink, lady. Yeah, that's why she didn't even cause trouble. Dude, I was the first one out the fucking door, so shut your goddamn mouth. Shut your goddamn mouth. Shut your goddamn mouth.

Shut your goddamn mouth. Shut your goddamn mouth. I've got to go back in and lose some weight. You big fat ass. Yeah, probably. Fuck you. She took a swing at her there. Oh, okay.

Right right right right. I still think that's a woman. You think it's a guy. I just can't tell. Really? Does it look, it looks like a guy? You can't say. No, no, there's no video of.

Oh, okay. I thought for a second. The person videotaping is the one who just was like, she don't even drink. Right, right. And I thought for a second you saw like that person's back and shoulder. Dude, I was the first one out the fucking door. So shut your goddamn mouth. Shut your goddamn mouth.

Let me go back in and lose some weight. You big fat ass. Why'd you get a job? Property. Fuck you. Oh, bitch. Touch me. I will.

And then I'll press charges on you in the goddamn ass. That way up. That way we have. We even got an audience watching this now. We're out of head. No, look. You got a question. You didn't make fucking trouble before, bitch.

You don't own this shit. Wow. Well, that's the, that's the meat of it there. So, but that guy's accent, you don't know dang, dang, dang. So that could be anywhere in the south, right? You think this doesn't sound like. Not like deep south, but like Virginia, like somewhere in that. Those are some southern ass accents.

I just did Richmond. You think? Oh shit. Yeah. Who talks like that guy? You don't know nothing. That's like. Where's your name, bitch?

Excuse me. Where's your name, bitch? Where's your name? The person videotaping them. I said, hey, well, that guy talks. I don't know. Talks, you know, it'd be interesting to find out where the rhubarb lady. That's what this is called.

Oh, she's put putting her. But seriously, what does the neighbor care if she, if crazy rhubarb lady wants to plant her shit in a communal area? The fuck does she care? Hmm. You know, that's the thing about having nosy neighbors. Like she's just in her Kool-Aid for no reason. Hmm.

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You don't need that. Nothing, mama. You walk her up.

Who are you talking to? Who's in there with you? Nobody, mama. Who's this? This is cousin Patty. He's going to be staying with us for a while. Isn't that nice? You don't have a cousin Patty.

Patty. You lied to me. You don't have a cousin Patty. That's it. That's all. Very. I love that shit. Did you like Billy Crystal growing up?

Like, did you think he was funny when you were a kid? Um, I think so probably when I was a kid, I probably did. Yeah. Like he was in all the movies you see as a kid. Yeah. City Slickers, this shit. That movie is such shit now. Have you tried?

Oh my God. That is one of the worst films of all time. It's so painful to watch. But for some reason, I mean, I guess when you're, you're, you're developing stupid brain. Yeah. Seize that shit. You're like, this is really funny stuff. It's your first comedy.

So you think like Billy Crystal to me personally is probably one of the unfunniest comedians. Uh, I just don't, I don't like his style. I think he's forced and he's a big phony who Billy. Yeah. I'm not interested in him, but you know where I did like him in? Remember the princess bride? Yeah. He's only mostly dead.

And then his wife is what's her name. Carol. Oh yeah. I think her name is Carol. Yeah. Yeah. And, um, that movie was good, right? Negative play.

Yeah. Here we go. More throw mama. Oh, I like it. Um, Anne Ramsey. Gosh, she was really funny. So funny. Who the hell are you?

I'm Owen's friend. Owen doesn't have a friend. That's because he's shy. No, he's not. He's fat and he's stupid. Get out of my house. Where is Owen? Owen went bowling.

I want Owen. I'll be back in a minute. I want my bath. I want my medicine. I can get it for you. Who the hell are you all of a sudden? Let me hang it up for you. I can hang it up for you.

I know that, but I would like to hang it up for you. Get out of my way, you black bastard. What? Mrs. Lyft. He tried to kill me. What? I said he's trying to kill me. Gosh.

He's so good. And that speech impediment really worked, didn't it? You know what's really brilliant is Danny DeVito. He plays the loser son to such perfection that you don't feel sad for him. Like she's really ruthless with it. Right, right. But you never feel like he is pathetic. Like it's a fine line as a comedic performer to play pathetic, but not so pathetic that

people feel bad for you and don't laugh at you. Right. Like he's a great combination. He's a great actor. He's hysterical. Yeah. But you never got into Sonny, right? Always Sonny.

No, I felt that that one was a little over the top, except when Mary Lynn is on there, our friend Mary Lynn Ryce Cub, and she plays like, is it called Gail the Snail? I think so. Gail the Snail, and she makes me laugh. I like you have never really got into it, and I've probably been told a thousand times. Friends, comics, they're like, you gotta watch Sonny. I just never got into it. You know what it is too?

It's hard for, at least it's hard for me to watch comedies because you're like, ah, I don't really. All right. Unless, you know what I like? I like Louis's show because like it's really real. I like real stuff. It's not a very traditional comedy show though. No.

That's it. The Sonny, I feel like it is sitcom-y, which is why I don't like it. It's funny to me, but anyway. Yeah. Anyways. Any jeans. So, what's up? Do you want to know what I did in Omaha this week?

Yeah. I was introduced to a pet psychic. Like, no, it's the best. How did this come about? So, the manager of this club, I, you know, I'm into, I will admit. Mm-hmm. I like Hey House Radio, which is this new age. It's HeyHouseRadio.com.

If you want to listen to it, it's like a lot of self-help, new age-y, main diary. I like that. I like GoPro Super Soul Sundays. But you've also, you've always had a thing for like the supernatural. You like ghosts. You believe in, you're always like, what do you think of psychic? So, you always, you like that stuff. I love Long Island Medium.

Of course. It rates a compute. Oh, I love this wacky shit. So, I was told this, this lady. Is there a cat? Like, what's that lady who's like, there's a cat? Is this a white cat? That's the pets psychic on, on XM radio.

Yeah. And then they're like, no. On Stars 106. Yeah. I see a white cat. She's like, oh, my friend Joe had a wacky. Yes. He's over there.

He's turning your friend Joe to AVs at some older time. He's like, all right. Yeah. I'll tell him. My favorite is when she's like, did you get her a new toy? Yeah. Yes. He likes his new toy.

He sleeps by your bedside every night. Is that a new bowl? He likes his new bowl. He's out of it. He says, thank you. Thank you very much for all the treats. So anyway, so I was telling the manager at Omaha. I go, look, my dog has separation anxiety issues.

We're working with a trainer and she goes, you know what? You got to meet my friend, Lori, who is a psychic, a medium. She can talk to animals and I go, sign me up. Can we have her over right now? Like I fucking love it. So this lady, she's beautiful, beautiful blonde hair. She shows up in a beautiful white dress, blonde hair, super nice lady. We sit down to have breakfast with her.

Within a few seconds, she tells me, she goes, this is what Theo's talking to me. And I go, yeah, no shit. What is Theo saying? He goes, um, Theo told us that number one, he came from an abusive family. The kids abused him and the family. So he does not like kids, which is true because he gets, he gets really freaked out. Well, the little kids try to pet him. Yeah.

And it's so sad to hear that. It is sad, but FIFO is happy with us now. She said that he, he loves us and he loves traveling with me. I like both. I like everybody in the house. See? Yeah. And, and she was like, he talks in a funny black voice.

Is that, does that sound familiar? I mean, you know, these two white people, they pet me. It's nice. Right. You know, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Now here's the wacky part. I hate kids.

I'm only a bitch ass kid. That's right. I hate them kids. It's like Bernie Mac. I hate them kids. I hate your Bernie Mac Theo. So, you know, I hate kids. That's right.

So, so then Lori said that Theo, the reason that he has so much angst and stuff is that you have a bad spirit attached to you. What the fuck is that? She said it attached. She goes, what happened eight years ago? I go eight years ago, Tom and I got together. That's when we started dating. We started dating and she goes, yeah, a spirit, a bad spirit attached to Tom, an angry spirit.

And Theo picks up on that. And that's what gives him worries. And she goes, who was he dating? He came from a woman. She says it came from a woman that you were dating. So what pig fucking woman were you dating? I told you, I was with a couple of scallywagons back eight years ago. I mean, can you narrow it down to...

Yeah, there's a couple, but what about them? What am I supposed to do? Call them? No, so here's the thing, but you need to think about which one of them had bad juju. What? So one of those dumb whore cunts that you stuck it to before or maybe while we were dating had a bad spirit attached to them and then it transferred you. I think I know who it is.

Can you describe, you don't have to say her name. What was she like? She was kind of a bad attitude. Blonde also. What a surprise. What do you mean? We love blondes. I'm natural, though.

You know, there's not much more to say about her. She was blonde. What else can I say about her? Yeah, she had kind of a shitty attitude. She was blonde. So why didn't it work out? What happened? It just didn't click.

It wasn't going to work out. I don't know. I didn't really fully... I thought I liked her, but then I was like, she's not that... I just had a bad vibe about her. Maybe that's why. Maybe because she had negative spirits.

Yeah, I believe that. So anyways, the pet psychic, when she said that, I go, what do I do? How do I clear Tom's negative spirit energy? And then she said, don't worry, I just did it for him. Oh, great. Now she said that this negative spirit has been making you angry for the last eight years as well.

Geez, really? Yeah. So now that you... do you feel different? Since what? Since Saturday morning when I had brunch with this pet psychic. Have you felt lighter? Maybe a little bit. Have you felt less negative?

Maybe a little bit. That's because she cleared your spirits. Oh my gosh. I feel like I cleared my... That's all gone now. Oh my gosh. I feel like I cleared it all up. I think we should call Lori on the show.

It's a great idea. Yeah, I asked her if we could and she said yes. So maybe the next time Theo has a question or I notice something with him, why don't we have her talk to Theo and figure it out? Yeah, I like that idea a lot. Now, does any of that sound reasonable to you, what I told you? Yeah, of course.

I think that's great. Did you enjoy your time in Omaha? Yeah, you know, I was surprisingly positive. Momies came out, Death Squad, a lot of crab feast momies came out. And shows were pretty good as a whole. And it was a positive. Pat Keen was my opener and we should have him on the show. You're so fucking lucky.

You're telling me. I love Pat Keen. You're luckiest shit. If you go back to the vaults, he's one of the very first few episodes of your mom's house. Pat Keen is... Oh, yeah. He is so fun. He's one of the funniest dudes.

He really is. I was not having the best time in Richmond. I've got to be honest with you. Jeans, what happened? I didn't feel like I could do stand up there. I felt like I had to... You ever do shows where you feel like you have to do crowd work in order to get through the show?

Yeah. If you saw me... By the way, everybody that comes who listens to this show is always super cool. Particularly, Friday night, I talked to a group that came out a couple of different people. You saw such a different show

than I did Saturday night. Because Saturday night, I did half an hour of crowd work. Which made the show... Here's the difference. The show went way better. But it's not the show I wanted to do. To explain this,

when a comic breaks out of their act and talks to the audience, it's kind of a way of saving a sinking ship. Because it means that you guys aren't connected to us. We're not connected to you. I started Saturday shows that way. Not connected or at crowd work?

At crowd work because of my Friday experience. I should say Thursday. Thursday was like whatever. Here's the thing. When I said Friday, the show would start good and end good. It was everything in between.

I didn't feel like people were listening. I've had that vibe in Richmond. I think it's a cultural... I don't know for whatever reason. I've had the same vibes in that room. I don't know if it's the layout of the sound of that room too.

There's something about different rooms. The laughter doesn't really coalesce. It's room one. It's very high ceilings up there. I think the laughter dissipates. Do you have different demos? It's way different demos.

Too many different kinds of people in one room. I could feel at the same point first show Friday and at the same point, second show Friday. I'm in the middle of something that always goes this way

and in that room it's a totally opposite reaction. It's like it's not registering. The joke I have to hit him on the head with the joke. Straight up punchline

to your mouth. The joke is part of it is you understanding what's funny about this scenario. That happened to me in Omaha. One show where nothing registered. There's a sense of irony sometimes

in a room. Or a sense of why that would be funny. There's just some crowds. You never get it. It just feels funny. If you were at Saturday's show, I even had a high school friend that came to the Saturday show.

She and her boyfriend drove down from DC. What fucking bitch is this? They were at the shows and they saw a great show. I didn't want to do this show. What are you talking about?

I didn't want to do all this crowd work. I did it for my own self-preservation. The difference between doing crowd work versus material is that crowd work you're doing just that. You're working for the crowd.

When you go out and you do material you're going this is my show. Listen to what I have to say. Let's connect on my level. As opposed to you going to them they're coming to you. For those shows when I did crowd work it would kill

and when I would go back to material it would do so-so. Same way buddy. You know what, you had a week like that your next week, I bet you it's going to be much better. This week you mean at stand up Scottsdale and Scottsdale Arizona?

Arizona, those crowds are drinkers. They're out to party. Plus you know what I had in Richmond last time dude? What? I fucking had a guy next to me on stage with a swastika tattoo remember? What? That was Richmond.

He had a full swastika covered in prison and had a lot of teeth missing. So it was like that guy and then a normal table of sweet old black ladies and then white trash over here and then the normal white young kids and then like, so it's a weird mix.

It's hard to get everybody on one page. I guess. I mean I just, I don't know. You're doubting yourself. I can feel it. Don't doubt yourself jeans. It wasn't a fun week. I didn't have a good time. But know that Richmond I struggle with too.

That's not for some reason the easiest one. Yeah, just not my scene there. No. The last time I was there in Richmond there was a guy on the patio and he was like, what it is to be locked up for 27 years? And we were, everybody was like,

holy shit. Do you know what you have to do to be locked up for 27 years? He was covered in gold and he was drunk as shit and everybody was like, he was so belligerent and we were like, you're about to get locked up again. That's where this is about to go.

He was lecturing somebody. You know what it is to have your freedom taken away for 27 years. You do, sir. I don't know but I can imagine 27 years wasn't a speeding ticket. Can I guess that? You know what I'm saying?

Right. By the way, a lot of feedback. A lot of emails came in. Floods. Deluge. More fart compilations please. I love those farts.

So many people in support of the fart clips. Yeah. I tell those people that are moaning to take it easy because easy does it. They like the farts. Please keep playing. Hey guys, I love the farts.

Everyone has told us for years to Google cake farts. We've seen cake farts, maybe cake farts. I appreciate the sounds you play. It says, mommy, Tommy and Christina Theo. I only want to hear fart sounds. So much support

for the real good stuff. Interesting email we got from a listener. This listener says the fart fetish explained. Okay. I think this might appeal to you and to some people.

He says, for me anyway, Tom, you definitely got it right. There is something about a hot girl you aren't supposed to see being gross and then seeing her farting. For me, it started with an ex-girlfriend of mine who accidentally farted in my face

when I was eating her box. She was so embarrassed, but I liked it. I never told her. Ever since then I have liked videos of girls farting. My fiance knows all about my fetish and happily supports it. She never holds in a fart around me.

What a lucky lady. Or holding in lies as Christina has said in the past. She never goes out of her way to fart during sex or in my face but if she has to, but if she has to anyway, she will. I don't know why. I like it.

I just do. It goes hand in hand with my ass obsession. Jean's always highest and tightest. Have a good day. And to that, we just say Oh my gosh. But there you go. I love, by the way, I love when people tell...

I mean, you've seen me do it on stage, actually. I talk to people to get them to share their kinks and fetishes. I just find them fascinating. And somebody told me, I think I don't know if I've mentioned on the show before, but this guy said he likes

to pour candy, the candy into his girl's ass and eat them out of there. That's fun. Well, I wonder if there's a correlation. He says it goes along with my ass fetish. In other words, I love the female ass.

He has a proclivity towards the ass and then everything that happens in and around the asshole. It's really neat. Well, that's really something else. How would you feel if I farted in your face when you were eating my box?

Well, you know, I've never had that happen. Not even with another lady? What do you mean? Nobody's farted in your face? No. How do you know you don't like it? Well, I think I think I know because I've not been

that close but have smelled intense farts. It just doesn't make my whistle wet. That's all I'm saying. I'm not shitting on those that like it. But like this guy says,

the most important part of his email is when he says, let me see if it's still up here. I like it. I just do. That to me explains everything sexual. I agree. It's your reptilian brain. It's something you can't control. Something makes

about that or whatever you're into makes blood go down to your wee wee. To your vagina. Like Puerto Ricans or Dominicans. It's something like that. When I see a guy with a leaf blower

getting incredibly excited. When you're Puerto Rican, you're just Puerto Rican. Guys in gold chains. You know what I'm saying. Can you play some farts? Do you have any farts left over? Or did we spend them all? Did we lose?

The one is like the greatest one. Oh my gosh. That wasn't, oh my gosh. That's an aha fart, if you will. There was the one that you sent me. What was it? Do you remember that one?

The one that you sent? Oh, I know you're trying to hide mine. Yeah, you sent me one. That was pretty, I think I could probably find one. Black chick find. Yeah, let me see. Somebody gave that to us on Twitter.

Let's see. I must have sent it to you from Twitter. That was a neat one. Yeah, I mean, she seemed like she was a real professional. Yeah. And she did the whole setup too. Oh, I just don't know what's happening.

There's a sexy farts here. Yeah, maybe that's it. No, this is not from that. But, yeah, people just Let's see what we have to eat here today. What do you have to eat? Oh. You want to see some really gassy food?

Yeah. Eggs. These are major, major gas foods. Huh. The majority of my farts smell like rotten eggs, just so you know. Oh, wow. Ooh. Salad.

Major fart foods, salad. Okay. Kale, that does it for me. Kale does it for you? Let's see what else we have in here. Ooh, ow. You know what I like the most? Cake farts.

There you go. Oh. For the people that haven't heard it. Let's get this done. This is a fairly Oh, why would I do this? A well-known video. Yeah.

It's kind of a skinny, skanky-looking chick. Unless you're really into her, then she's attractive. Brunette. Oh. She's in a... I think I'm going to have to get nice and comfortable for this. How do we do it?

She's in a little half-top and she's no panties, so it's not safe for work. Oh, yeah. And then she sits her bare ass onto a chocolate cake. I would do that. And she farts on the cake.

That's a good one. Oh, yeah. What flavor cake is this? Chocolate? It looks chocolate. She smashes her butt really into the cake. And then she pulls it off and the cake comes off onto her butt. Including her...

Oh. Yeah. It's warm. Nice and warm. There's cake all over her ass. Oh. Whoa. Oh, she looks like she might shit.

She pushes really hard. Oh. Oh. Gosh. That's interesting. I could do that. You know what would make a lot of farts is the poop soup. That's what she should be doing. Absolutely poop soup.

So listen, we got this email from a guy named Jordan. Yeah. He says, please make a fart video, Christina. I would pay a retarded amount of money for that to be made. Please make it happen, Tom. So look, the public has spoken. There's a demand.

What do you think, Tom? Would that ruin our marriage? I don't know. This guy says, still thinking about your farts, Christina. You saw that email? I saw that, yeah. Still lingering. I don't want this to get in the way of our marriage though

because there is some titillation factor. Yeah. Let me just put it out there that if this was my full-time career, I would be employee of the month every month. You know what I mean? I would be a part of the fart world. You think so?

I know so. I think it's really interesting that we got such positive fart feedback that people went out of their way to be like, don't ever hold back on those farts. More so than anything else we've done, I would say.

That fart episode really, really, it really polarized people. Yeah. Interesting. Number two, if you haven't heard yet, it's my dad and it's very, very funny. If you haven't gotten the top dog,

I highly recommend that too. We really appreciate you supporting the bonus feature, the bonus segment of the show. It really is cool. I got back on the plane to come home from Omaha

and I got bumped up to first class because as you know, there's a platinum medallion on Delta. I was sitting there at six in the morning wanting to blow my fucking brains out because no one wants to be awake that hour.

I heard the stewardess or the male steward say hello to every single passenger that got on. He didn't skip one or two, it was like, good morning, hello, good morning, hello, good morning, hello, good morning, like 150 times.

I'm like, really, is that what they make them do? Because I don't know if I've ever seen that level of dedication to saying hello to every soul. I really feel like that should just be reserved for first class. I really like seeing a different style of treatment.

I like treating first class. I like the segregation aspect of it. I think planes should be a virtual apartheid. The first class should just get treated gloriously. And then

everybody in coach should be treated like dog shit. They should hose them down with fire hoses. I think they should throw ice at people's faces and, you know, be like, there's only four peanut bags and just throw them back there and watch them fight over them. Make them fight, yeah.

To those of you who are like, you are a piece of shit, Tom, what the fuck, just because you fly first, first of all, I've never purchased a first class ticket. Don't hate me because I'm loyal. Don't hate me because I'm rewarded because I'm diamond medallion. Thank you. I do feel like it's rude

when economy passengers come up and use the bathroom in the first class cabin. I agree, and I think there should be severe penalties for that. Like what? Like they flush you down to the toilet and you fucking get spit out into air. I really

hate seeing those fucking leeches from the back. Move that curtain and come up. They should be drawn and quartered. I've seen one time, it was the best thing ever, I was on a flight

with Joe Rogan and I flew first because I was with him and a guy came up to use the first class bathroom and another guy who was in first

this guy was going to go use the bathroom when the first class guy wanted to use the bathroom. Papers! Show me your papers! He put his hand on his chest and he goes he looked at the seats because he could see that nobody from first was up and he goes, you're not first class

and Joe would tell you about it and he was like I've never seen somebody get punk so hard and the guy was like you have your own bathroom go to the back and I was like doesn't part of you though

that's rude, I wouldn't do it but doesn't part of you go in certain scenarios maybe not that scenario, like I said I would never actually do that part of you admire somebody who has the balls it's craziness

but don't you kind of wish you could do that in certain situations? I'm not good at confrontation I hate confrontation I struggle with it so that's a guy who's good at confrontation and I always admire that you know who's good at confrontation? Bill Burr

absolutely, Tammy Pescatelli if you want shit done call Tammy Pescatelli, have her work it out for you she's fantastic at it but yeah, I've never used the first class cabin if I if I wasn't seated in it because I think that's disrespectful

I think it's rude, I walked to the back of the plane I don't have a problem with it at this point you're just cattle you're one of the shitheads that can I tell you what bothers me and if you're one of these people you're a fuckface but it bothers me when people do this

when you're boarding and everybody crowds together and they act like they don't know what zone they're in so they go up and they'll say we're boarding by zone we'll do

and then priority and then 1, 2, 3 and the person standing in front of you is holding their boarding pass and you can see like zone 3 and you're like what are you doing and they play dumb can I tell you my favorite thing is when I see the gate agent look and go

we're not boarding your thing yet and I get this euphoric, I'm like oh I feel so good because you like Brawl's rules like your dad I don't like that somebody was trying I do the loyalty thing and if one of the very few perks

that you get is that you get to board and some asshole is trying to fuck with it for you it makes me feel good that they're sending them back I hear you can I admit something? I often jump zones if I'm not on delta my primary carrier

I jump zones I have my secrets of how to do it I'm not going to reveal them on the show you shouldn't, you should keep that to yourself naughty thing you do oh no I hope I don't fart now here's

here's the thing too a guy came up to me in Omaha and he said I've been using your medicine trick to get a fridge in a hotel now I don't know if you've heard this I've mentioned this before on our show if you want to get a fridge in your hotel room and what they do is they give you some

bullshit like oh it costs $15 you go no no no it's for my medicine I have to refrigerate my medicine and then by law they have to give you one for free and not charge you so that's how you get around that also interesting tip

from a book I read called heads in beds by a guy who worked in the hotel industry for the last 15 years great thing he says whenever you see the condiment bar what does that call the snickers and the alcohol and all that shit

he fucking eat everything he goes just eat everything eat everything because the guy whose job it is to come and restock that shit doesn't necessarily do it every day it's not an exact science even with the sensors thing because you can go oh I fucking opened it

in the sensor jar I didn't eat that and so they don't check enough frequently and number two once you've checked out they don't know when that guy came and replenished it could have been days and they're so afraid of confrontation with you that they're never going to dispute you

if you go I didn't fucking eat that okay the first of all that advice doesn't come from you heads and beds yes read that book if you want to get around a lot of stuff you're not telling people I'm not telling people steal but I did have

something I don't know if I mentioned it before I stayed at a hotel last year where when I got home I was looking online and I had like $600 in charges and I almost shit my pants and then I go what is this for and they were like

for six Heineken and eight dollars and I was like I didn't have any and they you know what they said I'll take it off that's right because they don't want to fight with you but what the fuck were they charged me for they wouldn't charge me for like a beer

because they mix up the bills constantly too that's another thing this guy said in that book is that they fuck up constantly and always look at the breakdown I do every day every time I check out they always put someone else's shit on your bill they also when I checked out of a hotel like a nice hotel a couple weeks ago

they actually went is this accurate they asked me they were like is this correct did you have something from the mini bar and I was like oh I had a bottle of water and they were like okay that's all that we charged you for so they don't know

that that's that's the point of that book is that he's like they really don't have any accurate way of keeping track of who drank what when they don't know wow yeah it's pretty cool pretty interesting shit wow so anyways I have a would you rather what yeah that is great

we haven't done a would you rather in so long would you rather would you rather this is to date my this is my favorite song that we play on this podcast yeah the Cosby remix oh my gosh

I'm very Flemme you know why why I haven't smoked cigarettes in seven years yeah they say seven years is when your lungs you think this is the type of cigarette yeah alright are you ready I'm ready okay would you rather every day of your life

yes no matter what day of the week it is hi Fifo you wake up at 4 a.m. no matter what day Sunday's weekend fuck this already sucks so bad oh Fifo wake up at 4 a.m. or

you have to go to bed at sundown every day but you get to wake up any time of day you want but you have like it's like a toddler you have to go to bed with the sun holy shit oh Fif you're so handsome

I love you uh oh this dog kills me damn it yeah what do you think it's so awful I haven't even thought of my answer I don't know it's up at 4 here's the thing yeah

so that means that you're up for the day you're just it means yeah that's your wake up time bro it's 4 a.m. for now whatever you're doing whenever you go to bed or the sun goes down you're asleep it sleeps

if you go to bed when the sun goes down you'll naturally wake up at 4 and if you wake up at 4 a.m. every day you're gonna be crashing at sundown isn't it each one of them makes the other one a reality not necessarily because if you talk to radio people

they usually wake up around 4 or 5 and they go now I go to bed at 10 p.m. I can't I can't go to bed at 8 like a child I think the nothing sounds worse than getting up at 4 every day your stomach hurts except for going to bed at sundown every day like

I'm a night owl I can't do it I know how would you deal you know what I would do I would get up at 4 every day but the trade-off would be I would be the most miserable piece of shit you've ever met in your life that's what that's it I would have to do that

going to bed at sundown is inconceivable to me like I've gotten up at 4 a number of times I've never gone to bed at sundown no because that's when everything fun happens well babies go to bed so it's the worst thing ever it's the worst

well okay so you would you would wake up at 4 a.m. every day it's like radio it's a radio life kill yourself I'm sure we have people who listen to the show who wake up who have to wake up every morning at 4 a.m. God bless your soul absolutely God bless you

I just I cannot wrap my head around it okay well here's my thing because we work at night we'd have to switch to doing like daytime AA shows basically only

our whole life couldn't work there's nothing we could do usually when you're on the road because the time difference you don't fall asleep until 3 or 4 anyway you just sleep one hour and then wake up yeah I would have to choose that one

or I'd have to wake up before I am because our whole lives are at night do you want me to read you a couple others that we're sending somebody said would you rather have hiccups for the rest of your life or feel like you need to sneeze

and not be able to or both hiccups prolonged hiccups it's like the worst fucking thing ever that feeling that you have to sneeze and you don't sneeze either one of these sends you into you know what

either one of these you end up like in a mental hospital you do you end up in a mental hospital here's the thing though the hiccup thing you cannot sleep you cannot eat you can't do shit I would take the sneezing thing and then take like allergy medicine or something

because basically you just feel like you have hyper allergies right well what do you choose I feel like the hiccups is impossible to get through life like you can't even get through

the sneezing is a sensation that's bothersome and you could distract yourself with other things I would end up becoming like a pill head or something you know drinking myself you have that you sneeze a lot more than me and you quite frequently have that and when I used to do a fun fun thing where I would interrupt your sneeze

and you would fucking see red and go crazy yeah I would really get upset about that so I stopped doing it it infuriates me to this day but you had the negative spirit attached to you which is probably why from that skank you fucking horax girlfriend

fucking cum dumpster whoever it was stupid bitch where's that dumb fucking cunt let's find her so I feel like everybody you've ever had sex with besides me I fucking hate them I hope they'll get AIDS and die jesus can I um

I just want to address a tweet that I got from um at booger magician he had a neat brown question he asked how do I how do we shit in the winnebago on road rolls oh that's interesting

probably the most interesting question I've heard about road rolls surprisingly not a lot of people have asked me that one so thank you booger magician for your thoughtful question the answer to that question is we only used the actual toilet in the winnebago maybe once or twice

because it was the summertime in Australia and what happens is whatever you put into that septic tank just cooks in the sun so we made a couple of number ones and quickly learned that it was a bad idea so we did not shit ever in the winnebago

we would shit in gas stations RV parks because most we never really slept in the winnie we slept in the winnebago like once or twice I feel like everybody's rule that travels by bus, winnebago whatever is like you don't shit on the bus you don't shit in the bus right

never well because you really have no way of getting rid of that tank unless you yourself empty it which is the disgusting part and that's going to funk up your whole ride there's just a shit sitting right over there basically I guess on airplanes

when the airplane stops somebody comes with that vacuum and then they they dispose of that immediately because even the toilet stinks after an hour on a plane on a cruise ship you don't just flush that shit out where does it go? they have a sewage treatment

on the cruise ship then it cleans it and sends it back out to sea or they have a disposal process that when you get back to the brown trouts? that's interesting you can't just fill the ocean with everybody's shit

and huge huge deposits I mean I guess you could people piss and shit in it every day I'm peeing a lot in the ocean yeah me too no I haven't but people do it people do it I'm sure surfers shit in the ocean a lot

for sure it slides right out but that would go into your wetsuit I imagine well they drop their they drop their shorts and just let it slide out Shark Week dude we started watching the Megalodon shark that was fucking

how cool is that how cool is that Shark Week one last would you rather I'll read it to you would you rather have a giant vein covered penis with two tits for balls

tattooed on your forearm and you can't have it removed or both of your nipples have tiny little faces on them that talk and have their own personalities and they usually don't get along with each other now I'm not sure I understood the first one could you repeat it please

you have a giant vein covered penis with two tits for balls so you have a tattoo on your forearm of a massive cock and balls and you can't have it removed so you go through life with this giant cock and ball tattoo on your forearm

or your nipples have personality talk your nipples talk to each other oh fuck man I don't think I want my nipples talking to each other I think it's too much of a distraction how can you go through life with talking nipples yeah I mean business meetings interviews

dates love making it's all goes to shit you know what I mean I think that the tat you could cover what the fuck are you doing you could cover that tattoo yeah

tattoo you could wear long sleeves that's the only way to get through it where's your name bitch where's your name bitch where's your name I've got to get my tramp stamp removed I'm over it

I'm fucking 37 years old I'm gonna have the dumbest tattoo I love it if anyone can recommend somewhere in LA that's reasonable because it costs a fortune doesn't it dude I don't know but people are like it's super expensive and painful

paying I can tolerate I won't pay I paid fucking $50 for this piece of shit tattoo it's gonna cost me like a thousand bucks to remove it I'd rather buy new teeth I need I need two front teeth you don't need beef I need a new front teeth

you look good all right we listen listen we love you oh by the way thanks to everybody that watched nine inches the short film it's a short if you haven't seen it yet I made it with Ryan Sickler it's on my youtube page so just look up

go to youtube Tom Segura's page and it's the first video you'll see and a bunch of you also watched my appearance on this is not happening story telling show Jew story telling overwhelming both had a huge

overwhelming positive response of course some people don't like it either one but I would say the overwhelming majority was positive thank you to everybody that enjoyed them and liked it and left

positive comments really appreciate it that's all I want to say oh all right have you seen Rogan's new show on sci-fi fantastic so good it's so good yeah it's really good Joe Rogan questions everything it's on sci-fi it's really good it's really really good

it's like a perfect show for Joe it is it's the perfect show for him it's really good check that out and go to your mom's house podcast.com thanks for listening to the show we'll see you guys soon this is Charo the original mommy

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