Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 146-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

Texas was off boot kickin good time, ya'll! We tell ya all 'bout it! We want your crazy trucker stories, truckers. Tell us about lizard lots. Real Talk: Naked and Afraid is Lame and Dumb. Inside the Vietnam War is very informative and gets a pass on racial slurs - pretty awesome, huh? We never watch shows when they're hott, son. That's why Christina is just now watchin The Sopranos, you know what I'm sayin? Aunty FeeFee knocks it out of the park again. Just when you think she can't wrap God and something unrelated into a song, she blows your mind. Tommy and Tina give you the list of what they're most thankful for. What are you most thankful for? Beef? Your Phone? We have crack whores talkin smack before they shoot adult stuff too. It's a good day!

Yeah, I party all day that is what this jam signifies how much I party this is reflective yeah smart yeah this is like music ain't the dumbest read books all the time I wear a glass here to enlighten you that's for sure I like me that's what's up all right mommies good news bad news what do you want first give me the bad news first bad news is your mommy had to move her Arizona date so I will not be at the comedy spot comedy club this August 22nd through 24th I'm gonna have to move it my apologies to everybody if you have already bought a ticket I'm so so sorry I promise to come back and we will make it up to you look at the podcast there eventually won't yeah yeah and the club will

you know clubs always take make it if you want to go to the show they'll reimburse you or switch out your ticket yeah for the next show I'm sorry guys it was a last-minute thing that came up I would never deliberately hurt my mommies after that September 4th through 7th cap city comedy club in Austin Tejas September 12th through 14th the underground comedy club in Toronto Canada my birth country Toronto and then September 27th Columbus Ohio with my boo boo jeans Toronto September 30th my boo boo jeans and I will be doing Xanies in Nashville yeah and then they put up they got links to two more went up October 2nd Charlotte North Carolina yeah and then what's the other one Birmingham oh bam Birmingham

Alabama we're coming to do you too and there's a third or another whatever fourth city that I'm we don't have the link for yet but there's one more city wow in the great southeast but yeah you can get the tickets for Charlotte or Birmingham now they are nice so yeah that week we'll be in Columbus then Nashville then charlotte no I think Birmingham's before that bar bar Birmingham Alabama and then charlotte and then charlotte North Carolina yeah so if you guys want to get go to Christina comedy dot com go to Tom Segura dot com go to your mom's house podcast dot com follow us on Twitter I'm at Christina P and Tina's is at Tom Segura that's what's up here's what I'm doing I'll be at a helium in Philadelphia 29 through

the 31st of August Maguire's and Long Island New York strong Island come get at me September 5th through 7th Fort Lauderdale improv September 12 through 14 and then those clubs with Tina Columbus Nashville Birmingham Charlotte yeah so that's what's happening is as they say in the biz that was a hearty burp what was in that one that had some feces little fishes in there yeah yeah I love you tiny jeans oh me or the dog you oh I love you too yeah we have big dog news big dog oh poor Theo jeans our little sweetest dog is laying here at my feet and his little cushion pad he's looking at me with a sad Elizabethan collar he had his his test he's removed he's got neutered today he's got a cone he looks so just kissy

furry like I mean sometimes he does a very silent cry like and he doesn't want to be away from you for a minute not a moment poor little guy yeah this is what I really wish I could talk to him and he could talk back to me poor guy well it had to be done we had to do it we had to improve his quality of life now he can go play with other dogs in the dog park yeah and meet other little Brussels and you know it's a stigma man when your dog has balls I know and the dog owners are so judgy yeah especially here in our neighbor everybody's like the look at you like your dog has polio like you didn't prevent that from happening yeah how dare you not neuter your dog okay I know I know it's your response

it wasn't our fault no but they think you're the most irresponsible dog mom on the fucking planet well fart in their mouth I really do I got a couple of hot farts for your mouth if you judge me and my wife how hot and stinky real hot beef one beef I want to thank you for I didn't get around to it what I just want to say thank you especially in these summer months yeah every time you've been farting in bed it's right up against a fan source so the fan blows the fart right in my face it's a really neat thing I try to make I try to make life exciting and try to keep you on your toes that's you got to do in a marriage also I want to quick thanks to Tom for using my bathrobe as a towel last week I didn't I didn't get to thank

you for that we have never in our lives run out of towels or forks because we have 70 of each and I came home that's true I had dust just done crossfarts and I had to be somewhere and I was like I got to go quickly and I looked none in the bathroom none in the towel pantry or whatever that's called I said babe I mean there's no towels and you're like wow wow use paper towels that use that's what everybody knows what I do and I said well I need something wait what voice did I use you're like what do you want me to do I said well I need something to try off with I got I need something so then I wanted to use your red robe because it's towel Lee it's towel material and you're like not that one I just got that one tailored to my fitting I was like all right I

can't use your fucking robe wait a minute I think I never tailor ropes but you're like it's just the way I want it yours do you really have to ruin the rope right now I mean could you use my other robe oh I sound like Napoleon dynamite no hard face what happened was I lost the fucking belt to the robe for the fucking three Tommy I lost the fucking belt to the robe the fucking rope belt I've been watching sopranos so I see that the thing is I lost the fucking belt to the robe I finally found it I finally put the robe back together and after four months of being so listen you know what a debacle that if you've all I would have done is try with it listen to me if you've ever lost the fucking rope to your robe you know that that is a hindrance to the whole robe

process you can't even wear the robe why'd you turn me down from you can't wear it because I'm here's why okay I don't live with the human I live with a bear bears disregard your property so bears they wipe their ass with your robe but you just put together and then it would disappear again for the next one because it who knows where you're gonna put it well you seem to find that one that's the one you're wearing it right now because you crammed it into the filthy clothes underneath all the jizz towels and whatever else is there your dirty shit stained pants I don't have shit stained pants yeah you do no I don't you are your father son alright let me tell you this what's that that was my voice to my voice doing to play you like please not use my

red rope I just found the belt for it all right you like I mean in that white one whatever this why I want to I got this a bed bath and beyond you're wearing it it's like a $30 robe man is that a lot or a little that's a lot for me I don't I don't listen I go to Target usually to buy everything so bed bath and beyond man all right whatever high quality Adam here we go listen up dirty jeans there's so much to cover this show you ready to do this ready so much work to do you never had a job before my life until I start working for sure you know in and out of jail you know I'm saying did a little bit everything you know I'm saying now I'm you know I'm saying don't bring anyone loving to this welcome welcome welcome to your mom's house with

Tom Segura Kristina feels so good to have volume control again all right oh my god remember we play that theme in Houston know in Dallas Dallas almost broke the speakers yeah everybody shit their pants oh my god a communal dump hey that's the best you know what I'm saying ever in the history of ever I love you know I'm saying you know I'm saying never enough you know I'm saying in my life but that is a spectacular we're not sure we're not sure what he's saying definitely that's the best part of that you know I'm saying this is from the documentary welcome to death row it was sent to us by a listener you know it is I'm sorry I forgot your listener apologies but thank you it was tweeted to us I believe you know you are so funny so

I never had a job before my life until I start working for sure you know in and out of jail you know I'm saying did a little bit everything you know I'm saying now I'm you know I'm saying he didn't even have to say anything he said man I'm you know I'm saying until he started working until he started working for shit should oh shug night yeah I never had a job in my life you know I'm saying I've been in that jail you know I'm saying man I'm you know I'm saying whoever is shooting that interview definitely has no idea what he's saying no you know that's the part where he was like some white guy who's interested in death row records yeah I was like so tell me about you never had a job in my life you know I'm saying I'm following you and then you know I've been

out of jail you know I'm saying yep man I'm you know I'm saying no this reminds me of the time Anderson Cooper interviewed Charles Ramsey oh yeah it was my absolute favorite white guy moment because Anderson had no fucking idea what to do with that interview like he shook hands with him and and Charles did the did the whole what it is man that kind of handshake and shit yeah rip it yeah Anderson was like I don't know I don't know what to do with this I'm sorry do we fist pop battles man yeah he's like what I'm afraid if you're blackness your blackness scares me anyways thank you guys I guess we should bring up Texas and how fucking amazing Texas was thank you thank you thank you so much Houston and Dallas

and people who came from everywhere including a lot of Oklahoma oh local homans okay moka alone chocanomans chocanomans um Tulsa was in the house yeah big time but uh fuck it was crazy bananas you know I kept telling people at the end when we were meeting people like thanks for coming and you know all the usuals but like you know you know I'm saying like is this when was this uh what you expected because we also didn't know what to expect what we realized that we haven't done a bunch of live podcasts but the energy was so live and crazy and it was a party man yeah that was so much fucking fun I cannot wait to do the podcast live again and I uh we both drank in yes first one in Houston yeah I was we

were just kind of tired we woke up super early that day yeah we had road dumps and we got a little a little tipsy yeah I was I don't even remember what I was talking about my favorite is that both shows had people at them who had never heard of us or heard of the show and they're watching this thing like what is fucking happening here why do these people care about shit so much I care about shit who are they filling up what got the fart ceilings they're ceiling somebody shut I I watched a guy in Dallas I think you asked them you're like who here is there's no idea who we are yeah and these two guys in like the middle front raise their hands and I watched their faces the first half of the show it was it was like like Theo looking at you like huh what what and then

eventually they started laughing like towards the the latter half they kind of got into the juvenile groove yeah yeah it was great that's cool yeah super fun man yeah that show was so much fun you know I'm saying you know I'm saying like you know I'm like you know I'm saying that is the best you know I'm saying ever um but goddamn thanks you know you guys really helped us figure out how to do a live show because you know we've both been a part of live podcast and been to them sometimes it's just to watch the person or the people talk but I feel like our crowd's a little more live than that they're not like oh have a nice conversation but we don't have nice conversations yeah so they're you know it's like it's a little more yeah it's not like going

to watch npr live right you know what I'm saying you know I'm saying like we're not talking about smart shit we're talking about we talk about right right which is trucker dumps and farts and a lot of truckers too hey what about that a lot of drivers yep I like that I like that too I like being in trucker ears yeah dude because they got time that's what they're saying guys on the road baby they're like we got plenty of time I had questions for truckers I'm so mad I didn't get to ask but I want to know from the truckers what's the craziest stuff you've seen as you're driving on the road share with us your crazy trucker stories are there such things as lot lizards I want to hear about it are there such things as glory holes in the road that you guys stop at

I want to hear about it I want to hear about the shit that you see people doing in their cars when you look down on them because I see you truckers looking down on us in our little cars email us your mom's podcast at gmail.com that's your mom's podcast at gmail.com I want to hear your crazy trucker stories and then we'll read them on the air because I have a feeling there's a whole world of truck drivers you know you know what I'm saying yeah you know what I'm saying there's a whole bunch of shit we don't even know about it's a whole other belly of society yeah right there should be a fucking reality show for truckers besides ice road truckers which is just you know feel like you're kind of without even really trying to you're kind of getting into

one of these things you know I'm saying oh yeah okay R. Kelly says you know what I'm saying a lot he definitely you know what I'm saying is his real thought you know what I'm saying didn't he talk about R. Kelly didn't R. Kelly refer to himself as R. Kelly in an interview R. Kelly in an interview I gotta find it he was like I mean I realized that like I am surpassing the R. Kelly of this generation right you know I mean like there is a standard which is R. Kelly uh-huh and I as R. Kelly am surpassing him right now I R. Kelly R. Kelly I went ahead I leapfrogged R. Kelly as R. Kelly and you can't really do that

and you watch this like holy shit like when you become super super international famous and people are like you're the most gifted like that really melts your brain something happens to you you cannot stay sane you can't bananas if they're like you're the greatest you're that you can't stay sane no no I mean you see people on his level like R. Kelly level is like Mariah Carey fucking bananas yeah she's out of her fucking mind sure or like actors that are you know constantly rewarded awarded you know it's been well even like Elvis Elvis Presley crazy Elvis is the first of the mega like one of the biggest stars right sure of course I'm sure of course yes him and that Jerry Lewis and both of them were so fucking out of their minds they were both

banging 13 year olds yeah and 15 year old and people kind of okayed it no no people okayed it yeah Jerry Lewis was banging his cousin married her and everybody's like that's all right they're married he's really can sing that's what they said you gotta hear this but it's not really a fucking problem if you hear this guy sing a goddamn song and this other guy can sway his hips and shit so you know I mean yeah she's 15 but this guy can really dance come on big deal did some dancing just singing some dancing big deal so crazy but you mentioned ice road trackers yes and what is this we were just talking about some shows so we saw that show naked and afraid what the fuck is that which sounds like it should be an entirely different show it sounds yeah it does

if it were shot in LA yeah kind of kind of your obviously your your eyes widen because you're like naked let me see this sounds awesome and then like the first minute you're like I guess I don't want to watch this well because they fucking blur the naked out so what not only exactly but like we're such fucking child children here oh yeah kills that we can't handle a butt crack and some titties two two fucking titties yeah that's up top to split down a side we can't handle that so they blur it which is like well the name is naked right you can't show us that's what the show's named after well and do you know why they blur stuff that's the pornography laws it's because it's supposed to be lascivious in nature it's supposed to incite arousal right

be considered pornographic but if the if it's a documentary I'm just two naked people trying to survive in the world how is that lascivious or or bone reducing in any way if that show is just on national geographic actually you know what if their skin is dark and they don't speak English they wouldn't blur it seriously yeah and if they if they speak English they blur it if they're going like you can go ahead and unblur that well and that's how fucked up we are well that's true and because those titties are not desirable right hangers and droopers yeah and they got and they got those those big like double pepperoni nips let me get extra pepperoni on this pizza remember the first time you saw that when you were a kid yeah did your parents get national

geographic yeah yeah yeah yeah we got it but nobody ever read it like it was one of those things that my mother collected so that we looked at like smart people right nobody fucking read it now well I think my dad my dad loved that shit really he loved me he watches history channel before there was history channel basically there was national national geographic and stuff so yeah he loves all that stuff but those titties I remember being a little girl I'm being like how does that happen to you but for us for me it was like I can't believe we get to see titties yeah you're like look at titties are out she walks around like this every day it doesn't make I want to live there and then somebody like you don't want to live there that's a very bad place

oh so it's not like the Bahamas that's where AIDS is in the water yeah what's that so yeah naked and afraid so the premise is it's like survivor yeah they drop you off in some awful remote location like the Serengeti for 21 days yeah and the goal is to survive for 21 days yeah you know the premise doesn't it like almost upset you the premise you're like what the fuck is going on can I tell you why what really fucking upsets me is that these are not uh native Africans who are like I am a survival expert I know how to do no no no these are overprivileged do it again do it again yeah I am surviving the Serengeti I duck these are overprivileged bored white people yeah who don't think that civilian life is hard enough

these are the assholes that jump out of airplanes bungee jump these are the fucking camp yeah right these are the assholes that need a bigger challenge than fucking camp right making a living yep with their lives and having kids and having a life you know so they got to go fucking challenge themselves I absolutely hate these people I want a little spice it up I you know what I want to do I want to see if I can live for a couple weeks with my dick out just to see if I can do it in the desert see if the desert will eat my dick or if I can make it I like it I'm going to challenge myself I hate I hated the show I tried watching an episode I hated it ah I mean you know I don't know any I hate it we need to go ahead start fire around here

and you you got you might want to watch out something might crawl up your clam so well and the biggest problem with being naked in the wilderness is that your feet need covering okay you need fucking shoes you moron yeah you're and by the way shoes are readily available to you right because you actually have a job in fucking Atlanta first world America you fucking piece of shit yeah so he has to make his life harder and go to Africa and be you know shoeless anyways the biggest problem the episode I saw this guy his foot was covered in sores and you can't run around the jungle right with that and yeah they try to start fires they try to find food they try to fish it's just fucking nightmare it's the worst show ever yeah I think it's a fucking stupid show I think

and I here's what I don't like about the show more than anything that they get you by saying naked yes what is it naked and what naked and afraid naked and afraid show me the fear show yeah you want and you watch it and you go you know what you're not showing me that they're naked I know that they're naked but you're not showing me their nudity yeah and then how afraid are you if you know a camera crew is with you and they're produced like there's people there so I don't I feel like it's false advertising show me the fear boners now something that wasn't fearful or excuse me that wasn't false advertising was what I walked in on today you were on the couch and this was on for hamburger hill I become very numb I hated the gooks

I wanted to kill as many as I could for hamburger hill I become very numb I hated the gooks um I wanted to kill as many as I could dad dad you did tv without telling me how much do you love that holy shit I tell you I was watching inside Vietnam that geo channel and uh he was talking about hamburger hill yeah where the goddamn gooks destroyed us frankly they really fucking murdered us before that at the ted offensive we fucking killed them but the point is we lost on hamburger hill and what I love about that is that this is the last generation they can actually say what how talk how they want to talk you know

yeah that's how like I was that's what they teach you in war you're in war man yeah of course this isn't civilian life no no no and you have to you have to call you have the enemy you have a derogatory name for the enemy for a reason because it's the enemy you're trying to kill them yeah but now they don't I don't know if they do that no well they do behind the scenes but then it was better much more open my father didn't know I swear to you he did not know because I had a pretty extensive conversation and he had to look up shit online to figure out that gook is not an acceptable term for regular conversation really yes he had no idea and I was like what are you talking about and he's like it's perfectly acceptable to say that and I was like no it's not

it's not acceptable to say that and we had a back and forth conversation and he was like let me look this up and he looked it up and he was like oh my gosh I didn't realize this word was like this offensive to people and I was like how did you not realize it he was like it's just what we said like right we'd be like there's gooks over there right at these gooks and but you know it was just Charlie it was completely yeah but they didn't they said gooks they didn't mean Charlie was to be honest but but he said you know and then he pulled up some article where like John McCain who as you know was POW set in an interview like I'm never gonna stop saying gook yeah yeah why should he that was his time well yeah I mean if you're a prisoner of war I think you can

say whatever you want but you know I'd be calling him a lot worse if I was a fucking POW yeah yeah so I don't think he has a lot of nice things to say but it's pretty great um he had no idea but that show was there was another guy in that show who was like um you know when you kill a guy yeah that's a very exciting feeling he goes it was like straight exactly what my dad says yeah well he said you know you wake up from a battle and then you look around all the dead bodies everywhere and you're not one of them and uh just a good feeling to kill people it's a good feeling he said it's a wheel as a feeling I could I can't even put in words I can't put in words yeah but that's what they uh that's what they teach you in the military you got it you got a killer are they're

gonna fucking kill you yeah yeah you know what's interesting about that documentary by the way Inside Vietnam is what it's called is that we were actually winning that war when we were just allowed to go and kill kill kill which is what we're good at as Americans and then uh johnson left and then he changed the general and the general changed it to that whole winning hearts and minds nonsense and that's how we fucking let's one of the reasons I found I found the article okay yeah let's Arizona senator john mccain refused to apologize yesterday for his use of a racial slur to condemn the north vietnamese prison guards who tortured and held him yeah we should have during the war I hate the gooks mccain said yesterday in response to a question

aboard his campaign to us I will hate them as long as I live yes mccain a former navy pilot who spent five years in a vietnamese prisoner of war camp was questioned about the language because of a story last month in the nation magazine since then mccain's language has been circulating internet chat sites many of whom find the term offensive mccain appealed to voters has been a wartime hero and blah blah blah the use of a racist slur can't be acceptable for any national leader regardless of his background said diane chin executive director of the san francisco based chinese for a furtive section for someone running for president not to recognize the power is a problem the words powers a problem um he's just straight talker they're saying well look I'm sure

here's what he said wait but he says gook he doesn't refer to all viet no no he's here's what he says the guy that the people that fucking held him right I'm gonna say it I know I'm so fired up he says I was referring to my prison guards yes and I will continue to refer to them in language that might offend some people because of the beating and torture of my friends mccain made it clear that his anger extends only toward his captors as a senator he was one of the leaders post war effort to normalize us relations with vietnam if people understood understood the context they wouldn't be upset says his advisor the word gook was first used in 1899 by american soldiers fighting Filipino insurgents during the korean war the term was aimed at koreans and chinese

it was directed at the vietnamese when americans were fighting in vietnam it is now used as a slur toward any asian or pacific island oh geez I didn't know that well one of the things that's funny is that another thing that I got from talking to my dad about this a while ago was he was under the impression that gook meant was stood for gentlemen of other kinds oh yes yes he said that a lot yeah and he was like you know it's just like an acronym for that and I was like oh okay and then I realized I looked it up myself and I realized well I found out that he was wrong but that must have been part of the propaganda of the word of course so when like back then they told me you know a gook stands for gentlemen of other kinds and the people were like oh okay oh I can call them that

yeah that's just what it stands for it's actually went from if you do just the slightest bit of research um you'll find that the word itself actually the etymology is it's from a korean word the um like so even though they they used it I mean here it says that early usage of the mak mak or google applied to the Filipinos by the marines and and then they also pulled from a korean word that has a similar I won't try to mimic it but another a korean word that has like a derogatory you know intention that was kind of over time it kind of turned into um gook but it's definitely not the acronym they think it is well you know I'll say anybody that has a problem with John McCain saying that watch his episode of locked up abroad

and it it's him it's actually him retelling the story of being a p o w with this other american man and it is such a horrific story I'm not saying that the vietnamese didn't suffer to look I I'm not a fucking complete idiot here war sucks either way it's it's horrifying but it's uh you know we tortured the vietnamese too but it's very interesting if you if you're interested in that stuff uh locked up abroad you'll see why he calls them gooks still poor John McCain it's too bad he's so conservative I would have voted for him yeah well what's this is he anti-abortion and he's anti everything I don't remember now how long ago he was running everybody had a problem because he was so fucking old right that was just the beef with John McCain um they're afraid he's gonna drop dead

that was one of the things I don't think that was the main thing that was kind of like the obvious easy one that he could be that people could say like oh he's all the shit he's gonna live so is Reagan I mean fuck yeah we've had a lot of old people um okay haulin I had to I had to look this up okay folk etymology suggested during the Korean war young Korean children would point at u.s soldiers and shout uh me guk the Korean word for american or america soldiers heard the word as me guk as if the children were defining themselves as gooks interesting the soldiers proceeded to use the term refer to the Koreans the word itself simply means country this explanation ignores the fact there are many examples of the words that predate the Korean war so there you go so it could

have been it could have come from somewhere else that's one of the um uh suggested etymologies of it you know I'm so upset because when I went to Afghanistan and I was so desperate uh to hear the racial slurs that we called the Taliban yeah it's exciting right yeah I wanted to know do you let me tell me the truth what are you guys really cool and they're so uh the PC-ness now I guess because I'm a it's a different world too yeah I'm a you know a comic going over there they don't want to tell me all the dirty yeah dirty dirty have you open up like what up yeah I want to hear that stuff uh all I heard they say tallies mm-hmm I know that these fucking tallies you could suck my goat sack punk yeah mm-hmm so I don't know I love all that stuff it's so fat

and also these guys in Vietnam if you watch these marines yeah man they're so skinny they're not like the marines today like these boys these little boys didn't even have kevlar vests yeah they have shit it's a different time they were running through the jungle skinny as bean poles uh with boots and no socks and short sleeve fucking shirts it's nuts I know getting blown up stepping on mines and uh God's really devastating what a what a war what a fucking nightmare totally back then they showed that stuff on the evening news by the way bodies burned and all that they would never show that shit today they don't they pretend like we don't even really kill people you know um they would never show it well look we gotta we gotta hit up something else here um okay uh the thing is

that you're gonna we gotta look at this can I tell you I'm so embarrassed that I just finally started watching the Sopranos um you're better than me because I didn't ever watch it and I still watch it yeah I think because the Sopranos started when you and I were just getting out of college or I was getting out of college I was still in college well I couldn't afford uh HBO 1999 or 2000 or whatever I don't know what it is with me and never watching a show when it's airing I can't either why is that because I don't we do it because I don't like hearing other people talk about it and then oh my god it's so great it's so great I love that song I'm gonna you really I don't watch this song it's really like oh my god seriously yes that's so good because if you don't

start at the beginning when everyone's on the bandwagon then you're behind the curve yeah and then you feel like you you never catch up like I feel like I watched um a while ago an episode of Breaking Bad yeah it's a good show fantastic but it the urge was not there for me to be like I gotta watch I can't miss this show right and the show just ended and all everybody talks about and I have no idea and I have no idea and I'm sure I'm going to watch it I'm gonna end up watching it in the next two years and I'm gonna be like have you guys seen Breaking Bad so I feel like yeah it was kind of a big deal a while ago I'm 10 years past the Sopranos I'm like this show's amazing you guys the episode that you were watching when I walked in

had Meadow his daughter graduating from high school yeah it was class of 2000 yes that's 13 years ago I know I didn't feel that old to me like I was like what it looks old yeah the title the title sequence you're like oh it's so somebody's like that drew that that ended when oh six or seven yeah it went for six or seven seasons yeah it's a good show man yeah because it ended while I was out here I remember that being out here I remember the last the series finale episode and everybody talking about it huge yeah yeah and I remember watching the series finale just to see what everyone was talking about it sucks that uh Gandolfini's gone I know I love him so much he's such a great actor you know he makes me laugh harder than anybody else

he's so funny but he's also like I mean it feels weird to say this because I'm obviously could be way off but like he seemed like one of the good guys like you watch him I don't always mean like in a movie I mean like just in interviews yeah he seemed like a good guy he's a family guy yeah so that's a real bummer man yeah um I gotta get water I want water too let's get some water get some water get some wine too you know what I'm saying you know what I'm saying I want to get some water man I'm you know what I'm saying well what what would you need to appreciate oh here let me see I just uh see if this came up I just clicked on one I just stopped by to tell you I love God today saints hallelujah that was um auntie fifi and just as

we were getting water yeah somebody a tweet God I love you more than anything God I love you more than anything God I love you more than anything God I love you more than anything so uh I just want to thank Joseph Strothman he sent us this tweet that uh looks like auntie fifi is having a back to school prayer whoa August 27th at 8 p.m. you can call in she's having a prayer conference call number I just retweeted it so uh I don't know maybe we should call in and and ask for prayers yeah what it is yeah um yeah that's a pretty good uh pretty good

thing right there you're a mindful God you're mindful God you're mindful God uh by the way I I mistakenly gave the wrong youtube account one time we did the show and uh I gave you somebody who was reposting or stealing her videos is uh youtube address auntie fifi her youtube address is actually auntie fifi so it's auntie a un ty f e e f e so you can watch all of her videos the auntie fifi videos um there fifi is f e e f e this might be yes f e this might be an invitation right here to the thing you're talking about let's see if it is I am not sure good evening facebook coming to you real quickly to ask you please come out and support the place stronger than I ever been it is absolutely going to blow your mind yeah you're gonna laugh you're gonna cry I think she

does local theater oh she does yeah that's from our facebook page hmm auntie fifi I think she we miss mother's day so she did oh good afternoon facebook social media youtube hello this is a one pillar I am so blessed on mother's day to have had to have had the opportunity to have two mother's my biological mother oh my gosh because you saw fish that you could not raise me I thank God that God bless me to be by one of the greatest mothers there ever was in I like harassing her when she can't hear any juice juice happy mother's day all right sing your song I pray that you enjoy your day and that every that and that you realize that every day is mother's day in my eyes because without you I am nothing thank you so much that's very sweet and to all the other mothers happy

mother's day to you as well I can do a special shout out to Shalanda Hammond and the t-shirt that she gave me check out her t-shirts go to her page okay on facebook and all the information there is formed there so you sing your fucking song my reason you can't see it but it reads bless your sands with my friend and I everything to the song lady every all right here we go oh that's a nice buildup a b c see

the alphabet I can't take her I can't know I think I didn't think she could top I didn't think she could talk her other shit I mean the other shit is it's bananas it's banana this is smaller but that's not even her that's another crazy fucking face look good afternoon yeah that's this land is your land yeah she and then she did the uh row row row yes hallelujah q r s t u v she would always type on the v and say villisha your name begins with the v w that's it that's all she said now I know my a b c this time won't you say with me everybody join in with me please

a b c d e f g otherwise hallelujah hallelujah h i j k l l m n o b q r s t u v now I know my a b c tell me that you're proud of me hallelujah a b c d god hallelujah without them we couldn't read we couldn't read your word god we have to have the a b c god oh god oh god hallelujah green eggs in him wow amazing she never disappoints you know what I love for auntie fee fee is that she never runs out of things to be thankful for that's she's one of those everybody's met one of those religious people who can tie things you didn't think

you could tie into god into god my mother's one of those people my mother's definitely one of these people right and auntie fee fee is definitely one who you go abc I want to thank god and you're like why would you thank god for the abc's oh the abc's we couldn't read his word and you're like oh my god like why are you always my mom's what did you thank god for that like what does god have to do with that she's abc's anything like she just will tie and did you thank god for thumb taxis yesterday I know you thank god for the the key to the to the door I'm like what I don't know you know what you got to be I'm thankful for so many things too I'm thankful well number one I'm thankful for the barbecue we had last night that was really good really I want to thank you

for making that that's like the top here's what I my list of what are you most thankful for okay in my life yes all total yeah okay definitely number one is the barbecue that we had the sauce was really good last night that's number one in life of all the things in my life that I appreciate and value the most the barbecue on my table second it's a pair of slippers I'm wearing right now they vibrate got them for Christmas last year third is my dog sorry wait let's change that barbecue number one Theo my dog number two Theo is behind the barbecue oh for now okay three is the slippers for I had a really good sandwich two days ago as well in Texas like a pulled pork one that I'm still thinking about did you have a pulled pork sandwich there yeah I did five is my iPhone

because without it I would never be able to stay on level 65 of candy crush you're still on 65 still I almost beat it yesterday number six I like my pillows a lot seven I'm thankful for being platinum medallion on delta number eight the television that I watch I like her cable TV a lot nine flowers neighbors got some nice flowers um 10 let's see if I'm remembering any am I forgetting somebody or something no I think that's it actually I think so you're gonna drop the pixies oh I love the pixies that's your top 10 things I'm thankful for in life all together anybody else like you want to thank like think about like your life oh my dad my family I love my dad not so much my mom my dad's amazing my cousin Julie yeah your family I love your family what about like when you say

your family is there somebody you feel like you're leaving out of your list that's it what about you hold on what about you what about okay what about me what about you how come I don't get on the list did I forget you yeah oh wow so funny I thought I said you have you left me after sandwiches and slippers my computer I like my computer a lot too okay where am I on the list I made some crepes the other day those are pretty good too I don't know you're somewhere in the teens like 15 16 here's my list the most thankful for ready farts beef number one well you don't have a lot in common I said barbecue that's interesting yeah pork number two yeah halibut I love halibut salmon oh yeah tuna it's too fishy shellfish

shrimps lobster crab okay bison except I've been experimenting with that me a little bit gamey um ostrich meat yeah venison I could live without venison my black shoes that I got the which ones the Nike black ones that are super cool my gray ones that I wear sometimes the blue ones I like those um all the shirts that I got recently I got a bunch of shirts oh those were fun yeah I felt like bands on them and stuff jokes yeah I got like five of those shirts and then I'm most thankful um for the wallet that I got I got a wallet yesterday I got a new wallet trying to downsize wallets it's neat so I got a smaller what about the dog you didn't even mention the dog it's like don't even care about your son yeah no I finished my list oh wait 10

different meats and then five or seven different fishes yeah shoes shirts a wallet okay and then Theo wow Theo's in there too no I'll put Theo in the top five I would put him after beef but I would put him like before bison and stuff wow what about I mean are you forgetting anything or anyone on your list my ipad I forgot my iphone I have a macbook um I have this mixer and I got another mixer that's not hooked up yet and then I have um external hard drive that I like hmm no so I'm thankful I forgot the laundry machine you know I love the washer and dryer yeah every time I use that I seriously do you say a little prayer like thank you god that we can have the washing dryers huge I do and I I'm still you know we're still painted off on the Sears card but

I love that man that that seriously is a game changer for us dishwasher huge huge so many things to be thankful for yeah sure is well that's it that's my list yeah me too huh interesting oh the remote control it's nice when you find that yeah you farted no I didn't fart I saw your push you made your push face no no I was just thinking I want you to make sure to save it for the fan I'll save it for the fan for you for the fan so that I can lean into the fan and just give you a give you a um yeah so those are the things I'm most thankful for poor fiefos but you're in the top 30 30 35 to 40 probably a little second half of the 30s

here's a cool uh audio clip we were sent of uh this guy who shoots porn yeah and these aren't porn clips so don't worry you don't have to really drop your thoughts sometimes people are like could you give a porn warning like a brown warning so this is a sound like your fart no this is um I guess crack whores who were uh like a lot of times when they shoot these these gonzo style pornos they with the camera they sit there in the interview the person and then they shoot yeah I hate that but these are real down and out broken women oh you mean that wait a minute you mean to tell me that most of the women in porn aren't together no this does not represent most people in porn this is real

street walkers people who are like these are people who are doing the scene for $50 and is that the theme of this porn like real street walkers I think so I think I don't know the real theme of the whole I just I just got the interview segment okay so here's like my son's guy picked me up and lit my nipples on fire and sends down my hair down there on fire that's what got me to start shaving it huh so she started shaving because the guy lit her nipples in her pubic hair on fire sounds a little like your sister's no the voice the voice not the behavior did she sound a little like that I can't wait my son's guy picked me up a little bit lit my nipples on fire and sends down my hair down there on fire wow that sucks that is not very nice I don't want that I just want

the topping see a little like you put whipped cream on as a topper yeah that's what got me to start shaving it I don't I don't really have a dog story I'm not in yet not yet so she's saying I don't have a dog story I'm not into it yet and he goes yet I don't think I will be for the right money maybe yeah for the right money a dog a dog a dog for the right money hey you got any cash he is kind of cute though you know what's not funny is that the only time girls or anytime anybody laughs at unfunny shit is when they're really high on drugs yeah yeah yeah I would not fuck a dog unless it was for the right money yeah it has to be a lot of money like over a hundred dollars yeah she would fuck that dog for a hundred dollars oh she's on crack yeah well dude yeah for

sure here we go I went into one of those places man I said what the fuck is this shit you can't I mean you can't talk to her but you know the phone like jail anyway so this guy the guy who's who's interviewing her is saying that um she's telling a story about when she worked in one of those uh like glass booths where the guy pays to basically watch you alone in a booth and you can jerk off okay so he's like yeah I went in those places she's like yeah here's what happened to me I was sitting in front of my booth and this guy comes and says have you had a customer yeah I was like no he's like well when you get a customer um don't have the guy wipe the cleaned the booth and I was like all right I didn't think anything of it you follow don't have the the guy a guy

came in and said have have you had a customer yet right she said no he goes well when you do have a customer don't have the cleanup guy right I want the jizz in there I sat there for a little bit then somebody finally came in my booth he did his business and he came all over the window so finally the other guy comes and he runs he's like did you just have a customer I was like yeah he was like the guy cleaned the booth here I was like no not yet so he's like okay good I want to show you something I was like all right I'm sorry I didn't think anything of it so he closed the door comes in and sips me whatever and as soon as he starts jerking off he's like I want you to see something he starts licking the other the other old condos already on there he's licking the glass clean

literally clean that's pretty tough that's that's a lot that's and that's not the crack whore that's a guy who would jerk off of the car you realize that it's not even the whore right it's not even like that's a dude it's it's not it's not somebody whose job it is to lick up come it's just his his thing like I want to lick up someone else's public stranger come yeah not like it's public and it's stranger and it's in one of those filthy booths where like their idea of cleanup isn't really that sterile so it's layers and layers of cum that you're licking yeah yeah it's pretty gross it's definitely not sanitary to lick that guy's come off the glass on the what is that that's a fetish that's definitely somebody's thing yeah it's kind

of cuckoldy I think right it's a shame thing well the cuckolds like you know like like to see the bigger dick guy right they like the humiliation yeah and then like they're like I'll lick your box before and after he does his thing all right so he's like watch me jerk off but watch me do this aren't I a bad boy aren't I naughty right yeah I really don't know if I'm wife material you know because I don't really trust anybody she doesn't think she's wife material she's saying yeah you know I take care of myself I'm really healthy and I'm a step up than the average person like you know you're trying to say you're brilliant I have ideas brilliant yes I'm a sharp image with my mind thinking yes I would have to agree

with you on that yeah all right that we got that squared away show me how you suck cock yeah how about ideas like don't smoke crack and do porn I'll do porn how about what are you saying about your brother your brother's in jail for murder yeah he was a serial killer he's a serial 18 women he's been um your brother your brother killed 18 women yeah he's a serial killer no shit it's okay whatever America's most wanted and then America's most wanted captured doesn't that I'm not gonna say anything he killed them when they were dead are you they were still warm of course somebody do our listeners know that I used to work for America's most wanted I don't think so have you talked about that I don't know I feel like it's come up at some

point sure that was my um for those of you that don't know I interned there when I was a junior in college and then that was my one of my first jobs out of college crazy first day of work when I not one on the internship but when they were actually paying me when I was working there my first day was September 10th 2001 so the next day bad things happen yeah it's kind of a downer I mean just for everybody but especially like if you work in like a show on a show where it's like crimes you know and you're it's like they were basically like uh we're gonna do terrorism now forever right and we're like okay change the format guys yeah it was um I'm so depressing Jesus of course that's a saddest show this not on anymore right I don't know if it's I don't I really don't keep up I don't

know dude that show can go for ever there's there's there's never a time where that show has to end yeah that in cops like those are two evergreen show and my job on the show was to research stories pitch them as ideas for episodes so they'd be like you know we need to do I don't know child predators all right more child rape Tom yes and then you had to look up the rapists well it had to be fugitives oh god so it had to be somebody that done and I did one time I pitched I pitched these two guys and they were they had escaped I guess a big hotbed for that stuff is um actually the Caribbean people always think of like Thailand but if you go to like Costa Rica Honduras a lot of child predators will go there because it's super poor and you can like make a

lot happen with a little bit of money these guys were arrested charged with all these sex crimes and then uh just like skipped like you know made bail or whatever how do you find these guys is there some database yeah I don't even remember but then like I did tons of research on one guy I pitched his story and they were like yes and then they sent me to Costa Rica and I did the story with a couple other people my I'm on an episode oh my god like walking through this place and being like the Spanish translator and and they they used me for like their reenactment kind of thing were you stuck because it was like your first showbiz thing you're like kind of I thought it was a big deal because here's the truth I pitched the story to the editor when I was working for them

and then I decided I didn't want to work for them anymore I had a three month contract expired I had a chance to sign for like a six month one after that and I was like I don't want to do this I moved to LA and when I moved here I had like no job nothing I got the call we're going to do the Costa Rica piece that you oh god and I was like oh that's cool and they're like so we'll send you down there so I actually got got to LA and got a paid gig perfect in like show business perfect where they sent me down there but it was the most depressing trip I've ever taken in my life horrible now let's get to something funny that's why I'm happy in jail too there's plenty of beautiful women there I had one guy wanted a fucking pop bottle shoved up his ass did you do it yeah I did

what do you pay you to stick to coke bottle of his ass no shit now they're not in here did he have lube and shit no he shoved it up there dry okay and he's smoking crack while you're doing it all right then he gets out and he geeks and he takes a he'll go in the bathroom and he'll get the tube of toothpaste and just rubbed toothpaste all over his hands and I don't want everybody to have a good time around me wait wait wait what's the toothpaste he liked he just liked that was part of one of his weird I mean he liked the coke bottle up his ass uh-huh and then he liked to put toothpaste on his hands oh I thought I thought they used the toothpaste as lubricant no no he just liked to play with it yep how about without staying to put

toothpaste on your butthole who's fresh I have somebody go blowing that butthole then you take a flat razor blade from the erythra back to the base of your body split it down like a little hot just talking about splitting the penis open I know I know I can't but the other side so now you have twins what you just had two of them you cut the fuck out of somebody's cock yes what the fuck man I can show you what you got pictures of it he's he's the sickest person I've ever did you just asked me what is the wildest thing I ever did and when he came to you and said hey cut my fucking cock the ribbons you shit yeah what the fuck man still rises up it still goes down he can not have a girl in the twat and in

the ass at the same time oh hey yeah yeah you might on see what drugs do to you yeah you know I that whole dare program we had growing up did you have that in Florida yeah drug abuse resistance dare for me I didn't dare we had younger I had dare when I was they give it to you like in fourth or fifth grade I think I was in Minneapolis yeah well I feel like that program really failed in that they only taught you things it was bullshit it was like this is what cocaine is this is a quailu they should show this video that's what I'm saying like listen drugs in and of themselves you can do them recreationally and be completely okay it's this shit yeah don't fuck with crack don't fuck with heroin they should just show they should get together and worse don't

do math intervention episodes and just show them yeah they should start playing them for kids when they're too young to handle it like maybe first grade or take their eyes open clock we're orange and watch them all and just watch them cry as they watch the video and then every year they get another video like that until like a week yeah it's like shark week but it's drug week for the kids take their eyes open and you got to watch this chick talk about splitting some guys cock and putting bottles up and then just because they're well do you want to do drugs or not yep yep that's that's definitely what they should do all right well we got to run um this was a lot of fun what's the good clothes I like that closer say no drug because I should tell you that oh this is

one last thing you can do drugs I got to tell this real quick yeah if anybody um it doesn't follow us on twitter they obviously should add tom cigar a kristina p but I tweeted out that I'm I'm pretty certain I'm getting it together I'm starting a football podcast um and I'm going to try to put uh to do the episode try to finish it sometime this week the first episode and get it up next week um I put out a call for logos uh if you want to give it a shot and give me your logo you got to get it to me quick um so the show is called charge it to the game charge it to the game with tom cigar a it's a strictly football podcast just talking football no jeans no jeans no jeans allowed it's um I'm going to do call ins I'm going to do guests in studio I'm going to talk college

and nfl it's just football so anyways I need the logo to put up like we have our logo for the show I need that for the new football podcast uh charge it to the game with tom cigar if you want it your logo used just send it to me but I got to get it quickly so when did the football start already uh we're in preseason right now so the regular season starts in like a week or so oh pre-com season yeah it's pre-com exactly um that's all anything else jeans no I'm sorry about Scott still this week you guys you'll move but you'll give them another a weekend I will I just hate uh I hate having to move stuff around and yeah it sucks I just just know jeans that it's with a heavy heart heavy heavy heart my little jeans don't like to do that um but you'll make it up to

them and uh we'll see you out there thanks again Texas for a great great weekend so super we're so excited to do the podcast live more we're really we're working on our next cities so we'll see somebody some one of you somewhere soon all right bye jeans I have a song for you I'd like to do with uh I'd like to go to the bar plug in my ipad listen to him talk trash on that he's talking about your mom's podcast stop that laughing ain't gonna happen to fix for a piss poor day this gay discourse of mixed sorts get the pitch fortune listen by the bell hey you're in jail laying with your porter we can sell mate or when you tell date listen before the game starts play cards listen why you're shot lifting the k-mart honest I mean it it's not a big secret I'm

often seated in the kitchen listening to time with Christina at the end of a rough day get a mug to drink get my nut shade if I'm lucky get it then a love date just great like the devil loves flames like the devil loves heavy metal women who love snakes this is just the thing to help your nerves and calm down I live without bitch welcome to your mom's house welcome to your mom's house welcome to your mom's house welcome to your mom's house welcome to your mom's house got the kitchen man got the got the fresh welcome to your mom's house your mom's house starring pristina persit school and time syndrome especially parents fly top dog could actually happen to me or land on airport watch

and joke up is there anything worse your mom's house your mom's house the kitchen man