Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 149-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

The mommies can't add. We know words and we know sounds and we know that catsfish and bass loves frogs cause we're smart. We knows what's to use! But math - no thank you! Tommy is smarter than Tina, but Tina has a big heart. Tommy also has a special gift - he knows from simply glancing at a woman if she is DTF. He knows who is a waste of time and who has jeans that are easy to take off. We go back for Sushi from the lady who enjoys shaming us, but this time we show her who will apply more pressure (pwessha). We have a Brown Talk segment that truly breaks it down. Plus Dental Updates and more!

Um, I don't know. I heard a noise. I don't know. I think it's that bone. I give him a... He likes those white trash chews with the bacon wrapped around him. Yeah. I try to buy him all this organic fancy shit. He doesn't want it. You know what he likes? He likes cheap ass Albertson's like chewy things with the bacon wrapped on him. The raw hides.

He's a white trash doggy. Total trash like us. I love it. That's my boy. You're my white trash doggy. He loves having a mattress. Yeah. What's with you? Cheers. Yeah, that was for you.

Alright. Oh, like this rainforest kind of jeans. I'm getting ready for you Philadelphia. I'm there right now. It's Friday. It's my day. I'm here tonight and tomorrow. Last night. Saturday night will be my last night at Helium in Philly. Please come see the God do his thing. Wow.

Wow. The God? Was that your name when you were in Boys Demand? They just called me the closer when I was in Boys Demand. They're like, we don't know how to hit these notes. I don't know how to hit them for them. Then next week I go to McGuire's Long Island. What's wrong, James? What do you need, boo-boo?

My phone. My phone. That's all. I don't have your phone. September 5th through 7th, I'm at McGuire's Long Island. Please come check me out. I haven't been to Long Island in a couple years. You know I was in Long Island when my nephew was born. Which one's that? Which nephew?

I have one nephew. Weston. Oh, right, that kid. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Is that one that happened? Yeah. That was the last time I was there. So, I'm very excited to be at McGuire's. And then the 12th through the 14th Fort Lauderdale, I'm going to the Hard Rock Seminole Improv.

And after that, where will I be? I'm going to go to Toronto with Mr. Rogan. I'll do a theatre there with him the 18th. And then, with my jeans, my dirty, rotten, scoundrel jeans. Wait a minute. Why the negative? Before this show, you and I were watching interior therapy. We made kissy faces. No, I'm just kidding. I like to say that.

And now I'm dirty, rotten jeans? I like saying it. It's fun. Did you smell my fart on the couch? That's all I care about. A couple of them. September 27th, we're at Woodlands in Columbus, Ohio. And then the 29th, we're at the Stardome in Birmingham, Alabama. Roll tide. Or War Eagle, whatever you're into.

That's what we're into, too. Then after that, the 30th, we're in Nashville, Tennessee, at Zanies. And then we go to Charlotte, North Carolina. October 2nd. October 2nd. Yeah. And then, you know what I'm saying? October 6th.

To make that even more fucked up. Isn't that how you say it? To make that even more fucked up. Then, the next weekend, the Jeans and I, October 6th, at Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco, California. Now, what's up with the, there's another southeastern city that we're doing on that run that we haven't announced yet, but we just haven't gotten the link from them, so I haven't announced it. Oh my God. Yeah, there's another city.

You know what, I gotta put San Francisco up on the board here. Yeah. I thought I did that, and I'm not seeing... Do you know what's going on in San Francisco? How crazy this is, listeners? San Francisco's one of our big cities. We hope you come out in droves. We're doing a stand-up and the podcast.

You're getting like a super show. Do you understand what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Oh, I know what you're saying. It's kind of retarded. A retarded? It's kind of retarded in that we're doing the podcast and we're going to do some hits.

We're going to do some jokey jokes for you guys. Yeah. We're going to hang out after, say hello, meet people, shake titties. It's going down in Franmandisco. That's all I'm saying. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I'm saying. All right.

All right. So... Anything else? September 4th through 7th, Jeans. I'm at Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, Tejas. And then September 12th through 14th, the Underground Comedy Club in Toronto, Canada. Toronto. My birth country.

And then all those dates with my Jeans that you just mentioned. After that, October 9th through 12th, Syracuse Funny Bone. Syracuse, New York. That's a ways in the future, Jeans. Yeah, yeah. People believe we're almost into October. The minute you do stand-up and you see your calendar, you're like, dude, the years just fly by. It's almost over.

It's July and we're already planning for October now. The deck's almost soft again. Oh. Never happens. I hope not. Man. All right. Very soothing sort of music.

Yeah. Crewell, he always does it like that. Jeans, if you haven't purchased something from your mom's house, podcast.com, you may want to consider doing it. I'd like to know more about this. Well, funny you should ask because we have a store there. You can buy t-shirts. You can buy a top dog shirt. You can buy it right now.

And this is the truth. I'm looking at our t-shirts because Tommy and I personally do the merch. You know what I'm saying? We only have one XL real mommy shirt left in all the world of real mommy shirt. One XL shirt left. If you want that to belong to you because they're gone after this. You heard it. You can get a wipe down collection.

You can get the posters. We have them actually now for Austin, I'm sorry, for Houston and Dallas as well as Portland and Seattle. Yeah. And the new shirts in the works, it's going to be awesome. We're just making it right. We want it to be super, super awesome. So it's just, it's got to be right. Get it right.

Get it right. Get it right. Get it right. Get it right. So that's it. Are you ready to start the show? Oh, be her. Let's do it, man.

Today I'm having a big ass fucking breakfast. Oh, four bean and cheese burritos, lathered with two big ass eggs and fucking six sausage and cheese patties. Oh, look at that. Four bean burritos. That's about five or a thousand calories right there in each sausage patties, 150 calories. You do the math. This shit is big time.

Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura. With Don Segura. Christina Pajitzen.

Christina Pajitzen. Welcome to your mom's house. You do the math. Yeah, you do the math. He doesn't want to add. He goes as far as like a thousand calories. Yeah. You do the math.

I can't do the math. I can't add that. Did you do the math in your head? I'd have to write it down. No, I did not do the math. I had to send a paper to do that math. When I think about math, I'm always like, I don't get math. I think you and I shared that, that we were both stupid in math in high school.

I mean, I fucking, here's how stupid I was. Algebra one, I failed not, I think twice. I got a D and a fail. And then I had to take algebra one, part A and part B. I had to take algebra one in two separate years. That's how fucking stupid I was. When I went to high school, I barely eked through algebra two. Yep.

I was pretty stupid. Yeah. Actually, I just, I wasn't stupid. I didn't, I wasn't like a bad student, but I really, really struggled with math, man. Math was just, I just couldn't get it. You know, and there was, there was something that like, I guess it was misleading to me into like my parents' stuff is I got a math award. What?

In fourth grade. Oh, that sucks. And the reason, so they were like, well, like, if anything, you're good with numbers. Yeah. Because I had the multiplication table, like memorized, but I mean, like, not only did I get a hundred percent. Seven times four. It's 27,000.

Okay. Um, I had, and not only would I get it right every, like a hundred percent, but I would finish so quickly that, because I looked at it like, um, like it was fun to see how fast I could finish, finish before everybody get a hundred percent. And they were like, you are gifted at math. Fast forward. Ninth grade. Fail.

Algebra one. Like big fat F. I failed it to a ninth grade. It's kind of a lot. When you get an F, like a real, like you're really like shit. Like some people, I mean, the type A is always good A's and they don't understand. But like, if you don't have those types of standards, you know, you can deal with B's and C's and you're like, oh, that's it.

But when you get an F, it's a pretty big impact. Uh, failure, it's actually a challenge to fail. Like you actually have to want to fail. Well, yeah, I guess you, or you not care or just read, like really beat, I think it's more about being defeated. I feel like I was, I was in these math in algebra one and I was just defeated early on. Yeah. I was, I was beaten.

I resigned to like, this is much better than me. I can't handle this. But that's, but that's my, yeah. The, but I mean is, is that you must deliberately concede to failure. Like you must go, all right, I'm fucking, I'm done. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. Cause I got a D in public school, uh, just for kind of showing up every now and then.

Yeah. A fail I got just for not, you just stopped going to class is how you get a fail. Yeah. Did you go to class and you still failed? Yes. Wow. Wow. I mean the tests were just alarming.

And I got a big, I got a pass. Like my teacher was kind of like, well, you know, I transferred mid-year in my freshman year. That'll crush your academic career. Yeah. Like sympathetic. They were like, yeah, that's what happened. You just, you didn't start the class with us.

And I was like, okay. Um, anyways, I took the failure sophomore year of high school. You go into geometry, got a B or B plus. And there I was like, oh, it's back on again. I just struggled with that class. That's all. Junior year. I don't know how it's possible.

They take me, I failed algebra one. I'm now in algebra two. Junior year. Junior year. It's huge. I didn't make it there. I, algebra two was senior year for me. That's stupid.

I was pretty sure it was junior year. Wow. That's huge. Bro. Failed that. Bro. And then they made me take it again, like senior year. And basically one of the guys was like, I'll give you a D.

Just so that you can get into college. Yeah. So you can graduate. You got to fail in algebra two. Yeah. And you got into college. One college. The college I went to.

Right. Well, no, I mean, that's, it's pretty. But your SATs were decent. Okay. 1030. I didn't even break a thousand. What was your GPA though? I didn't break a thousand.

Okay. Here's the thing. I basically failed out of ninth grade. I failed out of public school. Yeah. And then I transferred into this nice Catholic school. Right. So cumulatively, I think I had about a three two when I graduated from high school.

That's great. Yeah. But that's only because I like, my life changed a lot at this nice private school. Like I wasn't getting into fights and shit. And then Jesus by junior year, I was doing well. Like I had maintained my GPA went down so much after I transferred from a public school to a private school. Oh yeah.

Oh, sorry. After you went from public to private, where's the private? I went from a 2,500 population school to like a graduating class of 72 students. Yeah. My GPA went down extraordinarily in the private school. Yeah. Mine is the opposite. Well, that's what's supposed to happen.

Right. I'm so spectacularly retarded that I broke all the rules of getting one-on-one attention. Well, here's how I got by Catholic school is that Sister Ann was this wonderful algebra teacher, wonderful Irish nun. She saw how utterly incapable I was of processing algebra. Yeah. How utterly stupid I was. Yeah.

That she would, she literally took me aside one day in 10th grade. I'm sorry, not 10th grade, because I was geometry, 11th grade. And she goes, just come see me in the morning. Come see me in the morning before class. She was Irish, right? Mm-hmm. So school started at 730. I'd show up at Sister Ann's desk, 645.

Basically, she'd give me the answers to the tests. Really? Basically. She would give me, you know, like if it was a formula or something, or whatever the fuck algebra is, I don't remember. She would give me the same equation, but just different variables. Like, instead of 3x, it's 2x minus 3y. She'd let me figure it out with her there.

Mm-hmm. And then I would just do it again at class. That's how I got by. Wow. And still, I think I got a C. It wasn't... She really liked you. I think she just knew that I was... She wanted me to graduate and not...

She cared about it. I just farted. She didn't want me to go to beauty school the way my mother encouraged me to become a cosmetologist. Yeah. I had people... I was... I disappointed people because they were under the impression that I was actually really smart.

So that's always... Well, in fourth grade, you set yourself up. No. I'm saying the people, like, teachers that I didn't take classes with, and even teachers that I eventually took classes with, they saw me as a pretty articulate kid. You know, like... I'm a useful people. You do play smarter than you are.

There you go. Yeah. And they would be like, this is a pretty sharp kid. Yeah. Or they would hear me like do well, you know, or hear about like, like I knew how to... I did really well in like history, you know, and I would write decent papers and like... So like, oh, you're pretty sharp. And then they would just be floored at how dumb I was when it came to like chemistry...

Oh, chemistry? Oh, chemistry. But listen, do you want to know what I did in high school, a nice private school? I took one week of chemistry and I literally was so gone, so fucking clueless. I went to the head nun, the principal, that's what they called them, right? And I said to her, I can't do it, man, I'm too fucking stupid. I cannot. So they go, okay.

Instead of taking chemistry, you can take anatomy and like earth science. Two classes to make up one. Anatomy can be rough too. I took anatomy. You know what that is though? Memorization. Memorization. You wrote memorization.

Yeah. That's how you learn shit. You fucking memorize it. Yeah. And to this day, I know that's a clavicle. Mm-hmm. Okay. You got two bones in your arm.

Mm-hmm. Here. I forget what they're called. Mm-hmm. Tibula fibula. Okay. These are phalanges. These are your fingers.

Phalanges. Mm-hmm. Orbital bone, eyes. Mm-hmm. I know all this stuff. Cranium. Cranium. Oxypital plate.

Oxypital plate. Mm-hmm. Yeah, do you know that too? Sure. Did you color? I liked the color in the bones. That was fun. But when it came to chemistry, I was basically like...

You know what I'm saying? Oh. I was a fucking moron. Oxygen. You know what I'm saying? And water. You know what I'm saying? Oh.

Add up to... You know what I'm saying? No idea until this day. Yeah. Bad. I can't tell you. Bad. So stupid.

Yeah. I was not supposed to find this out, but I saw one day my guidance counselor who, by the way, back... You know, the SATs have changed, right? Yeah. I get... Do they have like... Well, it's a different scoring system in everything too.

Oh, for real. Yeah. So it's no longer... Oh, no shit. If you're too young to know this, the old SAT scoring system was... It was math and English, and a perfect score was 800 and each. Mm-hmm. And so...

300 points for writing your name, I think. That's true. Right. But I mean, that's the way it went, right? You know, the inevitably really bright people would usually get well over 1300 was like... That's a really smart person. Yeah. You're getting into Stanford.

Yeah. My guidance counselor, he got a 1600. What? Perfect score. And then in my graduating class, there were two 1600s and a couple 1500s. In this graduate class of 72, I got a 1030 on the SAT. That's good. The GPA I saw on his desk, I saw the list of my graduating class, I was second to last.

And the only person who had a lower GPA than me was named Rocky. So you can imagine. Rocky. Yeah. You know what I'm saying. Yeah. But my GPA, are you ready for this? It's alarmingly bad.

And I want to point out, in college, I graduated college with like, I think of 35 or something. I was able to get it together. I doubt that. I did. I doubt that. I'm telling you the truth. That's cum laude. Did you ever get a ceremony for cum laude is 355, 37 is, I believe, summa cum laude.

No, no, no. The higher is magna cum laude. I know these things because I fucking, I achieved these things. No, you don't. Yeah. I was very smart in college. I was in academia. You know why?

Once I left my abusive, horrible home, my terrible home life, I flourished like a flower in the dormitories of the University of San Francisco. This is, no, no. Okay, I'm sorry. I like how you just interrupt what I'm saying to tell me that what I did, I didn't do. I just don't believe you. 3.5, you would have some kind of awards, you would do the ceremony on a roll. Round of 3.5.

Fuck you. I'm not going to tell the rest of the story. I'm not going to tell it. It's fine with me. Fuck you. You know what sucks is that I don't have a sound board. Yeah, I know. So I don't get to play the clever things back.

It's fucked up. You have all the control. I do it. I set it all up. I do all the work for it. Well, I want you to show me. I want my own sound board. Figure it out.

I will fucking figure it out. No, you won't. You know why? Why? Because you don't have the GPA to put it together. Oh. Wow. You can't do it.

That's how we're going to roll. What's your major in? Let's start there. 3.5. Fuck you. That was your major. Let's play this game. Your major is one that doesn't even apply to the world.

Neither is yours. What do you mean? What is your communication? That doesn't count. What are you talking about? A TV and radio? You're born knowing how to communicate. I used my degree to work.

I actually got jobs with my degree. So did I. No, you didn't. I'm a philosopher. I'm a joke philosopher now. It's the same shit. That's retarded. That's not true.

You're very abusive tonight. I don't know. First, you call me dirty jeans. And now you're saying F, F, U. I mean, we don't fight like that in real life. You know what I mean? I didn't say anything. But didn't you like college better than high school?

Wasn't college like the best thing ever? If I had never transferred out of the big college or the big high school, I would have loved high school because I was having a great time there. What city was that in that you transferred from? Milwaukee. The last time. Yeah. I was in the suburb of Milwaukee, but I say the fucking only stupid people

refer to the small city and not the fucking big city that it's a suburb. That's so fucking stupid. But I didn't know that. No, I'm not saying you. It's not common knowledge or anything like that. No. It's like you're getting dumber by the conversation continuing. Philosophy.

Heidegger. I read him. Nietzsche. Know it. Will the power understand it? Yeah. So I was... That's your slave morality.

Sorry. You hear that? It's a dishwasher humming. Is it? I started it. All you need to do is do this. All right. Fucking move it along, man.

You know what you are smart at, by the way? What? Your only gift in this world. Last night, Tom and I, we were watching Hotel Impossible with Anthony Malkuri. And there was a designer on there, and Tom turns to me and he goes, oh, a chick's down. Oh, a chick will fucking fuck anybody. And I'm like, how do you even know that? She didn't say anything.

All she's doing is like designing a lobby. Well, how do you know she's DTF? I just know it's a gift. I mean, I've always known this. I've always been great at it. And if you take me out, I'll be the wingman for somebody. You just sit me at a bar with someone, single guy. I can tell him that's who to approach right now.

And he will always come back and be like, Tom was right. She blew me in the fucking driveway. All right. I just know, man. What do you see that I don't? It's obvious. I didn't realize it was such a gift. I didn't realize I was, you know, blessed and touched on the eyelids by an angel.

You're the whore whisper. Yeah. I just know. There's a certain way that she stands and looks the way that I can just, I see it in her eyes. I see it in the face and I can see it like that. It's very quick. You can see that her jeans would slip right off.

Right off onto the ground would be fucking fantastic. So this girl though, it's interesting. She, she wasn't overtly sexual. Like I would say, well, how was she was wearing like nice jeans? What is that? What? Something. What is that?

That was Skype. That was Skype. Wow. Let me quit that. Whoever that is. I don't like you. But she was just wearing. Yeah.

Who the fuck is calling you on Skype? It's interesting. I don't know. Maybe it's because I was skyping with a lot of people. I like to Skype a lot. Okay. So she was just wearing like jeans and then like a pink polka dot top, like a blouse, like a normal girl blouse.

Polka dot. It was pink with white polka dots. Okay. And then I didn't even notice. I didn't even notice what she was wearing. So it's not in how she presents herself. No, it's not. It's certainly not in the color pattern.

I mean, the clothing was, there's a body under here. She was, wanted you to know there was a body. She wasn't hiding her body and her and like the combination of her demeanor, her face, her eyes, it all said, whatever you want to put in my mouth, I'll take it and I'll do, I'll wash it in my mouth for, I'll give it a bath in my mouth. Hmm. But I still like, huh, could you liken it to maybe a famous actress that we both know, like who else in the world, like I don't give that off, right?

You don't give it off, no. But what about me is different than the, you know what I'm saying? Like what, I don't understand what you saw in that chick that I don't have. How come I'm not a suck pig to the world? But it's just, you can't train these girls. It's who they become. You're just not that. That's why your marriage material.

Oh, okay. But you think there's like a desperation aura maybe in some girls like, I'll do anything to please you. Sometimes it's that, but sometimes you just know, you just look and you just know immediately. This is a chick who it wouldn't take. Like basically every woman as a guy, you know, you assess that, right? Like I see you, hey, you know, I'd like to have sex with you, right? And then you put together in your mind, what is that?

What is it going to take for me to get there? That's what a guy does. Some of you see and you just know, oh, this is a predatory. Yeah. Yeah, but you, exactly. It's a predatory thing. This is going to be, this is a relationship person to have. If I, even to sleep with, it's going to be, I'm going to have to take her out and get

to know her. That's what this is. Right. Like I'm going to have to talk to her, deal with her, tolerate her, tolerate the opinions. Yes. Pretend to listen, act as though I'm interested in things other than sex and ejaculation. Right. Right.

Pretend I like art. Pretend I like foreign films. You're getting it. Act like I know how to read. But all because you feel like that's how much I desire that person. Having sex with that person. With that particular person. That vagina is worth all that work.

Yep. Huh. And then sometimes you go, you just, you see somebody and you just go, that will not take a lot of work. Suck pic. I know what I need to do with her. I know it's maybe a couple of compliments. Maybe it's playing it a little less interest.

You just know right away. Remember like a friend of yours texted you and I was like, here's what, how you should handle that. Yeah. Tell them to handle the text. And then you're like, that was success. Right. Cause I just knew exactly what to dish out at that moment.

Interesting. It's very interesting for men because it is really a calculating game of, it's like these variables, like what do I have to do to get sex from this person? Is it going to be a lot of work? Is it going to be lies or to quote David tell a couple of lies and McNuggets later, right? It's just lies and chicken McNuggets for this girl. Right. But then this other girl.

It's like, I gotta go to a dinner. I gotta like. And a lot of times I should say, I'm making it sound much more calculated. A lot of times either path is very organic. In other words, you don't actually think about it. Yeah. I guess. Yeah.

I guess cause I never had that approach with humans, but that's, you know, but I'm saying it just happens without a plan. There's no real plan. You just, it's, it happens almost like a computer program. The software just runs. Yeah. Cause that's your innate predatory makeup, right? Like you're, you're a lion hunting and you wouldn't go like, well, what happened was

I saw her and I thought this and then I decided you're just, it would just be, right? Primal, primal. Yeah. It just happened. Well, cause I think it's interesting cause my instinct is always the opposite because I'm the prey. Historically, this is before you and I started seriously being married. Yeah.

You know what I mean? I've been till last year. So. Last year? Huh? Basically what it is is like, I, I see a dude and I can, I fucking know right away. Like is this guy just going to pump me and dump me? Is this guy cool?

Oh right. Do you see the other angle? Oh yeah. I can smell intent like fucking a mile away dude. Like I, I don't have it. I can't have bullshit. I was never the kind of girl that, that's my problem though. My weakness was with the Latins.

Oh, those Puerto Ricans and, and Mexicanos and Dominicans, they know how to really talk to us blondes. That's the problem. You know what I mean? I got suckered a few times. You, you make my pussy dry. But I, you know, you can't really get past me. Not a lot gets past me.

Yeah. A couple dude. Couple. Couple of Jose's dude. Yeah. That's always my weakness though. I just love that. I just love that.

Yeah. Dirty and disgusting. But it's funny because some girls, a friend of ours, I'm not going to say who was having, we were talking about this texting thing, the advice that you gave. Yeah. Uh, some broads act like they don't know that this is a predator-prey relationship. Everybody really knows. Deep down.

Yeah. You know. And I didn't know in my 20s. I didn't know, I didn't know until I was about 23 years old. I think at a certain, on a certain level, you know, even before then, you know. Yeah. Yeah. It's like built into us.

But I honestly thought that dudes wanted to be my friend for a while, like, oh, they're just so nice. I must be this interesting, wonderful person. And then you're like, oh, I'm just a pair of tits. Yeah. Of course. Some women, like you just, you think, I think back to like last year when I was out having a good time, you know, literally they, it's a look, right?

And it's like dish out a compliment dish, like just not even a compliment. I should say, focus attention on this person. Attention. That's it. The essence of a broken soul is if you can give her just a little bit of the attention the daddy never did, you're in, you're in. Yeah. Man.

Yep. That's so true. You know, I got to say, I didn't, my mother's a fucking nightmare, but I'm lucky that my dad and I had a good relationship because I learned all this shit from him and I don't have daddy approval issues. So I was lucky with dudes. Really lucky that my relationship with men was pretty good. Now women on the other hand, I'm a fucking, I'm a nightmare with women.

I got issues with frauds. Yeah, you do. Right? I don't trust women. I have very hard time with female friendships because of my mother, but whatever, I work through it. I have, I feel like I have a second language and ease with women because of growing up with two sisters and a mother.

I mean, I had a father too, obviously, but I'm saying he, you know, his personality so unique, like he's such a guy's guy that I almost feel like I, I almost feel like the opposite where I understand guys because, and not because I'm a guy because I'm around such a guy, but I'm very comfortable with women. You are. And that's why I love you. Obviously. Obviously.

Very sympathetic, very empathetic man, which also good dude. Yeah. It's both, right? So many chicks. Guys, you really can, all you got to do is eye up the right chick and you can make it happen. You know? You know?

You really can. Eye up the right chick. Yeah. I mean, if that girl from the show was in the room and there's a single guy, be like, just go talk to her. That's true. Yeah. I know.

You know what it really is, what relationships boil down to? It really is how we're broken and how we fit together because of our brokenness, you know? True, true. Like we have a specific set of issues that line up perfectly. That's true. That's all it is. A large girl needs a guy that is really attracted to that kind of damage, that specific wiring,

and then it's just paradise, you know? There's somebody for everybody, I believe that, because of your fucked up subconscious. If you're alone right now, you're lonely. It's not forever, man. No. God, no. It really isn't. It's hard to see outside of it, but it's just a matter of time.

Take your time in, and then pretty soon, you'll be there. Or if you're with somebody that you're not getting along with, that's, you know, that sucks too. But you know what? I hate to say this, but I listened to Dr. Laura, you know, I started as a joke. And I fucking hate this, but she's right about some stuff. And here's the one thing I think Dr. Laura is right. When you say that she's right, do you mean when she's like...

Nigger, nigger, nigger. Is that what you're saying? I could listen to her and say that all day. It's ridiculous. That's Dr. Laura that you're such a big fan of. I love her. She's anti-feminist, which I don't agree with. She's a bit of a racist, I'm sure, whatever.

That's her fucking problem, it's not my problem. But you know what she does do, which I do appreciate, is that she says, look, if you're with somebody and you hate everything about them and they make you angry and nothing they do is right, just treat them the way you wish they would be, or in other words, shower with them with love. Just be loving and don't think about the person's flaws. Think about the good shit about them, because a lot of times you are stuck in marriages. You've got kids and all this and that.

Are you trying to tell me something? No, but I'm saying some days when I want to fucking punch your skull out and I want to watch you bleed on the pavement, I just remember the good things, how much I adore you, and then I go, you want a sandwich, you want a glass of wine, I try to show love, and then you do respond, well, like 100% of the time, when I'm nicer to you, it comes back to me a thousand fold. Instead of going, I fucking hate dad, I fucking hate, because you saw me the other day I got mad at you, we were watching hard cocks, I didn't feel like watching hard cocks, I got

all mad. That didn't go over very well. I didn't handle that well, I admit, I was angry, cranky, sick. I understand. But you're right, you know that's something that top dogs always told me to. What's that? When I would get irritated with my mother, if I was like, what a pain in the ass she can be, I would talk to him and I'd go, and I would know it makes him crazy too, right?

I'm not saying anything spectacular about that, like everybody has a parent or sibling that makes him crazy, I'd be like, does that fucking make you insane? Yeah. And he goes, yeah, but he would always say, I always, I go, how do you deal with that? He goes, I just focus on the things I like about your mother, and I was like, what, how do you do that? He's like, I just don't think about those other things, I'm like, does you want to fucking kill her?

He's like, no, because I don't think about the shit that I hate about her, I think about the shit that I like about her, but that's actually great life advice. Right, and that's unfortunately with Dr. Laura, she says that a lot with marriage. And I kind of agree, and also when you're working relationships, you know, listen, unless somebody is just crazy, and if they are, let's say like, my mother, for instance, she's a fucking whack, okay? It's never going to happen with her. No matter how much I could shower love on her, it's too much in it, because it's not...

It's unfixable. Therefore, I have to walk away. So there are relationships in your life that the other person is so fucking far gone. It's unfixable. Turn around and walk away. Insha'Allah, let them fucking have it. But if you're stuck with somebody who's just a pain in the ass a little bit, you can over, you know, oversee all that, not oversee, but you can overlook their drama, their bullshit,

right? That's true. And see the good. That's true. Just like you did with our sushi waitress. Hey guys. This is awesome. We went to our very special sushi place, and this is a lady who's like, you ate too much.

By the way, we should point out that, you know, we have a lot of... We get message all the time, we have a lot of new listeners to the show. Yeah, all right, all right. Appreciate the new listeners and welcome. But one of the things that we've been dealing with for the last, for a while now, almost a year, you know, we've been in here almost a year. Serious, dude. It's crazy.

But almost a year, but we go to the sushi place, it's great, and the lady always makes us feel badly about our sushi order being too pig-like. But you know, once we really start to think about it, it's not that, like, we don't eat light, obviously, and they're trying to say that we do. No, we go there with the intent to fucking blow the sushi joint up. But I think that's an exaggeration even. It's, we're going to have sushi. I love it.

We love it. We're going to have a lot of it, but we're not really having, like, if you told most people, I think, a lot of people were like, oh yeah, I mean, people sent us pictures of like, here was my sushi order, it's bigger than what we had, you know? So anyways, what I'm saying is that this lady goes out of her way, if you're new to the show, for telling us to make us feel badly about our order size. And if we order to pick up even, she'll be like, how many people are eating this? So if I'm like one or two, she's like, oh, wow, you sure you want to eat all this food?

So now, not only in person does she give us shit, now when we do pick up, like, she's so shaming us, and now we feel guilty when we pick it up, she's like, how many chopsticks do you need? Sometimes I'll be like six. Okay, a lot of people eating, yeah. So. Oh, yeah, sorry. Go ahead.

So we go to the park, and we look through the window, and we see, because sometimes she's not there, we see her, and we're like, motherfucker, this is going to suck. And then you said that, and I said, you know what, I'm just going to handle this differently. I go, I'm not going to entertain her suggestion of it being a lot. I love this, I love it. So we ordered our regular, they give you the paper and the pencil, I like sushi, I mark down sushi, sushi, sushi, you know, six or seven things, a roll, and I write down this baked fish thing, and a sashimi order as well, on the hand of the paper, she goes, oh, that's

right, you like a lot of sushi. And what did I say? And you go, yeah, I do, bring this shit, basically, right? You go, yeah, I do, and then you're like, I want all this. And she, I loved it, she put her head down, I loved it, walked it back there. So she came out, and then what I do, I forget, let me see the menu again, all right, and we ordered like round two, and then wasn't there round three? It was excellent, and yeah, we ordered plenty, and I didn't feel like gross, no, it wasn't,

you know what, honestly, I could have eaten another fucking plate, I could have, sushi doesn't fill me up, who gets full from sushi, it's impossible, can't get full, no. But I really liked how you handled it, I thought that that was like, that's the way to do it, you know what I'm saying? You know what I did? You went over, I asserted myself. It's really actually, I think people think that's more of an inherent quality that I have, but it takes work.

Some people see my personality as more confrontational than it is, but it takes work, but it's really important to assert yourself to people. You can't get taken advantage of that way. Well, and what you did is you ignored her bad quality, like I just was talking about, right? You go, I can choose to address your negative bullshit, or I can look over you, and just do what the fuck I want to do, bitch, and that's what we did, and we partied, sushi party.

Yeah. It's pretty great, right? That was good as in a bitch, anyways, so also I got this thing I showed you, this is so fucking round, hold on, let me look it up, so my friend, Shawnee, sent this to us, fuck, why the fuck does it do this, I found it. What is it? Here it is, buddy, here it is, this is so fucking awesome. So my bro sent this to me, you guys can look this up, Google this, it's called the Bristol

B-R-I-S-T-O-L Stool Scale, you might want to play. Okay. Next up, brown talk, brown talk coming up, you've been warned. Did you want to run through this? I know you've been really fond of this whole thing. Even today we were talking about what happened. So Shawnee sent this, and it's a pretty amazing chart that lets you know where you are in the spectrum of stools.

There are seven types of stools. And there's pictures, so Google it, find the Wikipedia entry, it's amazing. Should we run through them? Please, please, our audience needs to know these things. Number one is separate hard lumps, like nuts, and it says in parentheses, hard to pass. They always are, you know when I was taking all those Percocets last week? I would have number ones when I had number twos, and the ones hurt, they feel like glass coming out when you shit those little ones, those cashews, opiates give you constipation.

I finally just shit a number four after a week of not shitting. You're getting ahead of the game. Type number two, sausage-shaped butt lumpy. So describe it though, it doesn't sound... It's not intuitive the way that's described. It's basically, it looks like a sausage link, but it's not smooth, there are lumps throughout the sausage. It's almost like a sausage with growths coming on.

It's like a corn on the cop. Yeah, something like that, yeah. That's a number two. But it's like more aggressive. Those are the worst. Number... Number two is bad. It hurts a little.

Yeah, it doesn't look good. It's just a little bit. Here we go. Now we're going to... Let's try. Number type number three. This is like a sausage, but with cracks on its surface. Oh.

Okay. Oh. Like crevices? Yeah, two is harder to pass than three. Okay, two is harder to pass than three. You like that? Yeah. How often do you have that one, because you really study your stools.

I do. I look at them. Do you have a three often? I do, actually. A threes happen when I eat a lot of processed meats. When I don't do the vegetables, a lot of rodeoots can be threes. Really? I got to start looking at them.

Why aren't you looking yet? It's killing me. You know what? I just remembered that trucker email from the last one, where he's like, I got a load nowhere to drop it. Well, I was thinking of the, what was the guy telling us? Oh, the guy told us in person, actually, about Walmart bags. Remember?

He's like, you remember that? Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah. Trucker in Dallas was like, we shit into Walmart bags and we'll throw them out. The way he's like, you ever see a Walmart bag on the side of the road? Don't pick it up. Like, okay.

So. Type number four is like a sausage. Wow. They use the sausage a lot. Or snake, but it says smooth and soft. I've seen those. I've seen those. Now, those are ideal.

I would say four is what you want. Four looks pretty good, man. It's like a swoosh. Right? Yeah. I mean, it says right here, type one and two, those indicate constipation. Yeah. That's constipated.

Three and four are the ideal stools, especially the ladder. So four is the ideal stool, the one we just described. Well, funny. You should mention. Sausage. That's what I had. I had, I had, I had like two number fours today. Yeah.

Well, and then it says, it says as a, there's their ideal because they are easy to defecate while not containing any excess liquid. I don't know why this tickles me so much. Say it again. Say it again. Say why. Three and four being the ideal stools, especially the ladder, as they are easy to defecate while not containing any excess liquid.

You like that? Yeah. Okay. My favorites are coming though. Okay. Yeah. So we're getting there. Five is soft blobs with clear cut edges.

What? That's what it says. Wait. Soft blobs. Oh, okay. Like torn looking? Yes, but they're soft. It's a, it's a nasty, nasty.

It's not good. Is that what you have every day? I have a lot of five through sevens. I'm going to throw up. I can't, because it sounds like you have a lot of five through sevens. Don't act like that. Like you know. Tommy, Tommy, I hear you through the door.

I hear you over the fan. All right. So that's, it hurts. You don't hear that through the door. Are you serious? Every day of our marriage. Look, I like how you, you don't believe me. I don't.

Babe, it doesn't matter if you turn the fan on. It doesn't matter that the door is closed. I can hear it's violence. It's violence. You know what you want to hear when it sounds like? Hmm. I'll be like making coffee or cutting food or feeding FIFO. And then I hear.

Oh my God. Yeah. And then plop, plop, plop, plop, like that sound. That's you. Right. That's your recording. Isn't it? I don't think so.

Yeah. That was you. No, not that. The other one. That's you. Yeah. That might be me. Oh my God.

And that's every day. No, that's every day for you. All right. We got to get through this list. Number six. Yeah. Fluffy pieces with ragged edge. Sorry.

With ragged edges. Hmm. A mushy stool. A mushy stool. A mushy stool. Is that a scientific term? Yes. Is it mushy?

So six is really no good. And then seven is the is the all time worth seven is watery. No solid pieces entirely liquid. Damn. That's a third world dump. Yeah. That's a bad one. That's Mexico.

Oh yeah. Yeah. It's bad. You get those sometimes. Everybody gets those. That's an African dump. Yep. Yep.

And all it happens, man. We all know. We all know how it goes sometimes. That was you. That was you going. No. At the end of that record. That is you.

No. You go. And that's not true. Yeah. That's disgusting. You're disgusting. So one through seven. Where do you normally fall on the Bristol stool chart?

Everybody. Let us know. Are you seriously? What? At five or six a lot. Be honest with me. Not a lot. I mean, definitely weekly, but I wouldn't say weekly.

Yeah. Babe, that's not okay. That's not normal. I get some threes and fours for sure. Mostly three and four is what I normally do. Sometimes I'll get a five and then sometimes a six. Seven is a sick one. That's it.

That's ill. It's really sick. Five and six. Those happen every once in a while. Those are road dumps. Yeah. You get some fives and sixes. You get fives and sixes once a week, but then...

Travel day is going to be bad. That's bad. But usually travel days, I'm at a two. It's like chunky. It's kind of... Oh, you're grinding it out? Yeah. Travel day is no good for shitting.

It's a two. One is when you haven't shit for like three days. That's bad. Do you get ones? Are you constipated very often? No. It's not your problem in life. I know.

Champ. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes I go crazy. I'll have like a really big salad. It's all this green fiber goes through me. Then I'll have like meat or something. The combination of the two.

I'm just farting and shitting all day. That's funny. I made poop soup. You didn't even have a bowl. That's true. Why didn't you have some? I don't know. I don't know.

Sorry. Well, that was neat. Thank you so much, Shawnee, for sending that to us. Yeah. That was really cool. Really nice. Thank you. Good work.

Much appreciated. Oh, you changed my photo? Oh, good. No. I don't trust you with my phone because usually when you hand it back to me, it's got some midget point. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not dismissive with you. My feelings. I'm not dismissive with you. You just suck my goat sack.

Well, there we go. Do you want to do a couple of dental updates? Do you have any? I do. I would love a dental update. These are listener updates. So this comes to us from Nick, who writes, hey, mommies, just wanted to share a dental update that should be used as a warning for all the mommies out there.

Ever since I was in high school, my dentist has been telling me to get my wisdom teeth pulled. Oh, shit. He told me every six months for two to three years when I finally said, screw it, and instead of getting them pulled, I decided not to go to a dentist for two years. My wisdom teeth were already fully grown in and were pain free, so I thought all was good. Well, I decided to go back to the dentist a few weeks ago and found out I have multiple cavities on my wisdom teeth on both sides of my mouth.

Shit. Yeah. Since I clearly hate going to the dentist, I decided to go against my dentist's recommendation and got all of the cavities filled today, multiples on his wisdom teeth. Yeah. Two hours later, and not only am I in pain, but I need a bib to keep my drooling all over myself, to keep from drooling all over myself like an idiot. My whole mouth is numb, and I sound like Stevie when I talk.

Still got my wisdom teeth, though. Wow. I was like, well, Nick, I'm devastated to hear that, buddy. It's not cool. That is not cool. Here's another one from Sean. Jeans. Two weeks ago, I went to the dentist for the first time in five years.

I'm not happy about waiting that long, but I was in grad school and pushed it aside for a couple years when I got a job. Anyway, I went in. I had some four and five gum ratings, so I had some deeper cleaning on my back teeth, but I had zero cavities and was told, quote, I had great teeth overall, and I floss more regularly than most people, and, quote, all in all, the dentist couldn't believe how great my teeth were considering the length of time between visits. I was also given a sonic hair toothbrush, which is wonderful, and every mommy needs it in

their near future. Now, did you hear that story, kids? Yeah. Fours and fives because of flossing, and he didn't go for five years, and he was much better off. Floss, floss, floss. Very important, you guys. That damn sonic hair.

We got to get that shit, man. He says he's also looking forward to Tom's football podcast. Hmm. It's exciting. Right? Yeah. How's that going? It's great.

Thank you to everybody that listened, getting a lot of tweets about it, and a lot of messages. It's up on iTunes now, right? It is now on iTunes. It's also on Stitcher. Stitcher put it up today. For the non-itunes listeners, it's on Stitcher. The iTunes people, it's there. You can subscribe.

It's on our website. You guys go to yourmomshousepodcast.com, and there will be links to all that stuff. Yeah. We have ... I wanted to say that because I found some tweets. People also sent me ... We get tweets all the time about people's foofies, and I got tweeted that he was going to the dentist for the first time in three years. Oh my gosh. Good luck, buddy.

Good luck to you. You got to do it, man. I've gotten so much better about my foofies. Hmm. I really have. It is the flossing, even if it's just ... Even if it's just brushing every day, but you got to floss. That's the most important thing.

Yeah. You got to floss. I know. There's no ... Once you get into it, too, you can't live without it. That's the thing. It's disgusting to even think about not flossing now. Did you see that nightly floss on the floor bed? You're talking about it now, and it's making me feel like I have to do it.

Yeah. It's really ... I'm going to get my teeth white. They're fucking buttery. So yellow. That's it. So yellow. That's all I got, man.

All right. Guys, you know, if you're in Nashville, don't forget we are really serious. There have been sightings, and there's a lot of people talking that Stevie is around. People are changes. That's so rad. You got to get them to our show. Oh, my God. Get them to the show, not because we wanted to see us do stand-up.

We got to meet them. We got to talk to them. We got to settle the score. We need them to be on the podcast. Of course. Guys, if you know Stevie, if you've seen him around, tell him to contact us. Is that how we get in touch with him? Tell him to email us.

Yeah. You think he has an email? Mom's podcasts. I don't know. Maybe at the public library. They have computers there. That's why when I didn't have internet, when I was in my 20s, I would just go to the library. I'm sorry.

The library. Yeah. Mm-hmm. People changes. People gets mad. They get over it. You know, they realize stuff later on down the road. Mm-hmm.

Kept fishing bassless frogs. I'm smart. I know what to use. Oh, Stevie. All right. Well, that's our show, Jeans. Yeah. Listen, if you're not doing it, follow us on Twitter at ChristinaP at TomSegora, because

that is where we post a lot of shit on this podcast that you guys, a lot of times will come up to me and be like, I didn't know you were in Cleveland. I would have gone. Well, we're posting it on Twitter. That's why you guys stay on the Twitter. Follow us. It's not just for bullshit. It's for real important things.

Real talk, y'all. Real talk. Last what's up. We'll, uh, we'll see you next week. Keep it. Jeansy. Bye, mommy. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah.