Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 150-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura
Episode Date: October 17, 2016Get your hands off my penis! All of you! Can you be arrested for simply enjoying a meal? We think, yes. Jeans has t*ts for days and well, buns has d**k for days, ya dig? If you are black and don't hav...e d**k for days would you be a doll and let us know about it? We examine the porn girls voice - could you possible remove that with your implants, please! Tommy trains Tina in identifying who is a suck pig and who isn't, but Tina reveals the secret of what shames and what celebrates giving out the good stuff. Be proud of who you are, pig!
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Discussion (0)
I'd like to take a screenshot of my dates on my iPhone, but my top button doesn't work anymore
Why doesn't it work? I've been pushing it too much over the the months I guess
So when does the new iPhone come out and can we get it?
I thought it was coming out this month. Is that not true? Because I can't restart my phone. I'm stuck
All right jeans
This week. I'm so excited. I'm going to Austin Cap City Comedy Club September 4th through 7th
Please
Come see your mommy and if you saw me at that cool Austin Festival come see me do an hour son
If you like what you heard September 12th through 14th the underground comedy club in Toronto, Canada
Which is exciting too and then September 27th buns and I along with Brian Redband and Tony Hinchcliffe will be in Columbus, Ohio
And then the 29th just Tommy and me go to Alabama. We're at the stardome in Birmingham
September 30th Tommy and me at Zane's in Nashville, Tennessee. Fine Stevie
We're gonna find Stevie October 2nd Tommy and I are in Charlotte, North Carolina
And then we added man friend disco San Francisco October 6th at Cobb's comedy club
podcast and
We're gonna tell the jokes. Yeah, we're gonna do both there, but we're supposed to do Atlanta, you know, no
Yeah, the day after Charlotte
Yeah, she'll lie the day after or the day before one of the two. I
Don't know why it's not up. Yeah, I didn't even it's part of our part of our little mini tour
All right
Well, you heard it come see us guys. We need your support come see us either Columbus Birmingham Nashville
Charlotte Atlanta, hopefully San Francisco. We need to see you San Francisco
You get the podcast and the stand-up show this week. I'm in Long Island strong Island, New York
Me EPM D. We're at McGuire's
The fifth or the seventh and then next week
I'm in Fort Lauderdale
September 12th through the 14th the Fort Lauderdale improv
And that's that for now and oh after that San Francisco day the 10th of the 12th
I'm at comics at Foxwood's comedy club in casino
Christina knows what that's all about
So that's it man
I like this
Well
It was sent to us twice. It was because he was like you guys are ignoring this. It's pretty amazing and I
We should oh, yeah, I see this now. So are you sleeping on these? Are you sleeping on these mommy horns, Julian Frank? Yeah
So there you go Julian
There you go, Julian. Thanks Jules. Jules is what we call them because we're so familiar
Hey Jules
Alright guys
All right, you ready to start the show. That's what's up. Let's do it
Gentlemen this is democracy manifest
Have a look at the headlock here
Don't bring anyone loving to this
Oh
Yeah
Submitted to us by Steven
On the interwebs on the interwebs Twitter. I think yeah, that guy is a
Hilarious
He sounds like Sean Conroy. He's being it's called they say they say it's epic Australian man
I didn't know he was Australian, but I guess he is
He's being escorted out of a restaurant by like five police officers
And he's sorry. He's like he's ready to make his statement and then he just it just kind of blows up and he resists
And he goes
I'll sit down inside the car. I'm not assuring anything
I'm under arrest
Look, I'm under what?
You're under arrest
Gentlemen, this is democracy manifest
Have a look at the headlock here
See that chap over there, he's got your hand off my penis
This is the boy who got me on the penis before
Why did you do this?
What is the charge?
Eating a meal?
A succulent Chinese meal
Oh, that's a nice headlock, sir
Ah, yes
I see that you know your judo well
And you sir, are you waiting to receive my limp penis?
I love a succulent Chinese meal
He sounds a little bit like Elvis Dumbledore
Are you waiting to receive my limp penis?
My limp penis, sir, cast a spell on you
God damn it
What a class
And you sir, are you waiting to receive my limp penis?
My limp penis, how dare you get your hand off me?
Geez, man
What elegance
Democracy at work
I don't have the heart to look this up
But like somebody find out what this guy was arrested for
I'm dying to know
I know, because something tells me he's been arrested a few times
Because he's not panicked, he's making a joke of it
Maybe he's done this a few times before
It's possible
Because if I were being arrested I'd be really panicked
Like I wouldn't have the wherewithal to be as dramatic
And have the Shakespearean flair
Like that
I wouldn't be able to say that, would you?
It's so funny
It's pretty hysterical, man
Democracy!
He's in Australia?
Yeah, it looks like it's Australia too
Do they even have democracy in Australia?
What do they have there?
Yeah, of course they have democracy
Don't they have like parliament stuff?
Yeah, but I mean...
It's not democracy
People vote
What do they vote about?
Like, oh, how many kangaroos do we let?
Yeah, they elect how many dead dingo's carcasses will be for dinner
Is that what we're talking about?
Gordlet's vote
And you, sir, are you waiting to receive my limp penis?
And you, sir, are you waiting to receive my limp penis?
A succulent Chinese meal?
That's so good
That's always a good way to diffuse a masculine authority
is to threaten them with homosexuality
That's pretty intelligent, actually
Of course
To be like, are you guys gay? Are you touching my painter?
That's how you get brutes to lay their hands off of you
What is the charge? Eating a meal?
Eating a succulent Chinese meal
I'm under water
And this is democracy manifest
Have a look at the headlock here
See that chap over there?
He's the charge
Eating a meal
A succulent Chinese meal
I'm Albus Dumbledore
Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Magic and Wizardry
Oh, my God, that made me laugh
Yeah, it's a pretty shit dude, huh?
Good stuff, yeah
That hippie
What could he be doing in a Chinese restaurant to merit that type of brutality?
I don't know, man
There's a lot of cops there
This guy's wanted for more than like
For then stealing fortune cookies
Then enjoying a succulent Chinese meal
Yeah, he's done probably
I'm guessing the charge at least more than that
He doesn't look that dangerous to me
It's pretty, yeah
Yeah, good for him
How are you doing today, Jeans? You okay?
I'm tired, I have a fucking...
What's wrong, Jeansy Bear?
It's too hot
It'll sleep well
It is too hot
It's too hot
It's too hot
Oh, it's too hot for me
I don't like when it's hot outside
That's your latest thing that you start to act like an old Jewish guy
Oh, come on
I don't like the heat
I can't sleep or enjoy a sandwich
Tristira keeps saying that I'm an old Jewish guy named Ira
And that I...
Because you're saying things that are...
Like you've always been kind of scratchy
Kind of growly and bear-like
But lately it's taken...
It's not just like it's a bear complaint
Like now it's a little nebishi
You're just a little whiny
You know, like we were going down to the beach the other day
And we had on like these chairs that we use as backpacks
Like they're these nerd chairs you get a target
Yeah
You turned to me
Do you remember? And you were like
Is there something in my backpack?
It feels like it's heavier than usual
I did not say it like that
It feels heavier than usual
I want my locks and cream cheese in my bagel
Oh, Ira
And then I had to check Ira's backpack to make sure it wasn't too heavy
That's something in my backpack
And then we...
We saw a sailboat and I told you I like my sailboats
But I don't like to be in them
I like to watch them
But you said it too
Like an old man where you were clearly upset at the thought
Of even being in that sailboat
We were sitting next to each other looking at these beautiful boats
And you were shaking your head like just
I'm so upset at the thought
And you go
I like sailboats but I don't like to sail in them
That's not true
And then your mouth was open when you looked up at the luggage
That's not true
In the plane you went
Your mouth's always open
That feels totally abusive and not true
And you're more like that than I am
Abusive
Me
Me
I don't know about that
I only want to have one coffee a day
If you have two
It's too much caffeine
I gotta get my teeth fixed
Ira
I want my teeth fixed
My teeth look terrible
Can I tell you
Right now
I've got
I have two bonding
Some of my front teeth
They're fake
I knocked half of one out as a kid
That's the story
One of them
It's so old now Tom
It's chipping
I have a fucking chipped bonding
Can you see that?
Yeah I see it
And it's their buttery yellow
Just like yours
Both of us have
I don't have buttery yellow
Yellow is these high definition glass lenses here
Which by the way
I don't know if you saw the commercial
But now
They're night vision
They're night vision driving glasses
They look awesome
They're not
Four hundred and forty nine dollars
They're two for ten
Oh I love when they show you the extreme discount
Yeah
You're getting
Not four forty nine ninety nine
What
They're ten dollars
Actually
They're two for ten dollars
How much would you pay for this fine item
I like to
The premise is
The road it's too blurry
I can't see it night
So instead of going to the doctor
That's how you drive
I can't see
It's too dark out
What happens night vision
Is that things get real blurry
Right
But instead of going to the eye doctor
I'm just going to buy a pair
Ten dollar HD glasses
Yeah so it makes it yellow outside
Instead of blurry
I like to make yellow
And now I see yellow
How much would you pay
Five thousand dollars
No
How about ten ninety nine
Okay
I'd like that
So anyways we have a lot to go over
We have
Oh another interesting thing
Tom said to me on the couch
We were watching our shows
And he turns to me
This was last night even
And he goes
You know how they say
The girls have legs for days
How come nobody says
She has tits for days
Yeah
Yeah
That's a good idea I think
To start bringing that into conversation
Man she's got tits for days
It means they keep going
And going and going
What made you think of that
I was looking at your big hangers
And I was like man you got tits for days
My big meat hangers
Yeah
They're getting a little soggy
As the years go by
They look great
They used to look amazing
Now they're like okay
I think they're okay
No they look great
They need support
That's the key
Is you need a good support bra
You got tits for days
How come they don't say
Oh he's got dicks for days
That's another thing they should say
Man that guy's got dicks for days
He's got this
Dick that just keeps on going
And going and going
Dick that keeps on dicking
Yeah
That guy's got dick for days
See I like that expression
And you get the double D right there
He's got dick for days
Double D
Yeah the two
The hard D on both of them
Dick for days
Hey have you seen
You seen Carl
Who's that
You know
That guy's got
He's got dick for days
Oh yeah I saw him in the locker room
Changing
Okay
Did you know
Did you know many guys
I had dick for days
Where in high school
High school a couple guys
Had dick for days
College I heard about a couple guys
Bet you a lot
And play sports
Have big dicks
Some but not all
Yeah
I'm sure like
I'm sure
Maybe the darker players
I don't know
You're playing guys that are outside a lot
So they're dark
I'm just saying maybe the
The players with
The ones that run really fast
And throw the ball pretty far
But what does that have to do with being dark
I'm just saying generally they tend
To be darker in skin tone
And they overwhelmingly
Populate like the NFL
The
I don't know what other associations
The NBA
Are you saying like people from the south
So they're outside
Yeah some some live in the south
Some are southern
Some talk with a little twang
Twang
An interesting sort of accent
Yeah those types
Hey what kind of
What kind of twang
Are you talking about exactly
I don't know
I'm gonna put my headband on
You know like a
Like a silly draw
Like they talk
You know what I'm saying
Yeah like that
Yeah they got dick for days
They got dick for days
That's like undeniable right
Yeah
See what the fuck is that
I gotta show you this one video
Of this guy that has the dick for
I've seen it days
Is it on tube trooper
Which one do you
There's a whole genre
Dedicated to
To dick for days
Yeah
Do you watch it a lot
I just
When I peruse the categories of pornography
I'm just like whoa
That looks terrible
And then I go past
There's a lot of categories
On tube trooper I go right past
You're trying to tell me that
Dick for days looks terrible
It looks terrible in
Real life to accept a dick for days
Yeah
Really
Yeah
I think it's the fantasy of it
It's probably more alluring than the reality
Do you remember when Yoshi was here last
And he said that
The number one search for straight men
Was big dicks
Oh yeah really oh yeah
That the thing that straight men
Look for the most
Is like
The big dick being shown to the woman
So the woman being like oh
Right
Oh
Because then they imagine it's their penis
Oh my gosh
Yeah
Right I think it's the idea that
Oh this is my huge penis
I think it's not just mine
I think that's part of it
But I think part of it is just
Is seeing the woman
Like her lips
Like going
Like this is a tasty looking sandwich
Right here
This guy's got
Dick for days
Exactly
Exactly
Oh my gosh
I eat the ass and pussy all the time
I got nothing
But that is you know
You and I often discuss the myth that
Large men with large hands
Have large penises
Well I am the original detective
That told you that that's not
That that's a fallacy
Right
But how do you explain
The phenomenon of the darker
It's not 100%
Skinned people who play sports
It's not 100%
It's not 100%
No
You've known guys
Darker skinned gentlemen
With small penis
Uh huh
And average size too
Who
I'm not going to sell them out
On the show
Say their names first and last
With their address
Kevin Jenkins
Wow
Yeah you know I'm a little
Not schooled enough
I'm probably talking out of
Turn here
Yeah I know for sure
Our listeners will tell you
If you're a black man
With a small penis
Right to us
Not necessarily small
Just say you know
How about a black guy
With a not
Enormous penis
That's very common
With a dick for one day
Right
Not days plural
A half days work dick
A six hour shift dick
Okay
Yeah it's definitely
A working man
So you were over the belief
Before we had this conversation
That
Every single black guy
All black men
Have penises
Well they have
Large penises
Large penises
Sorry it's early
So yeah
I did actually
Have that in my mind
I did
I don't know why maybe
It's because every time
I've seen a black guy
Naked in pornography
Oh they're in porn
Huge peners
Dick
I'll make you
Snap somebody in the face
It's not everyone
But white men
In pornography
Are varied in size
But usually
Black guys
They tend to
Stereotype I guess
Well they also
I think
The whole thing is
The guy that's in that
Movie that you're watching
Obviously purchasing
Purchasing
Ah I don't
Purchase pornography
The black guy
In the pornography
He was
Hired to be in that porn
Because
He's a black guy
With a big old dong
Oh see now it's making sense
You see what I'm saying
See I see what you're saying
I need you to do some
Sex right now
Remember that website
We looked at last night
Um
Not the real estate one
Where we were pretending
To live in million dollar
Houses
Oh yeah that was fun
It's called
Oh yeah
We had some mommies
Email us about
We were like
Go look at
Extreme restraints
Cause they actually
Sponsored Dan Savage's
Podcast
And it's good for a giggle
Check out extremerestraints.com
Jesus yeah
Some of the ball clamps
And dick weights
That's my favorite
My favorite is the block
That you put on a man's genitals
God that looks unbelievable
You put it on the balls
And the peener
And then it makes him
Get down on his knees
And if he stands up
He tears his beans
And junk off
Can't believe that
It's horrible
That's dangerous
How do they sell that stuff
To peeps
I don't know
They've got to have a huge
Like liability
Or I guess you just forfeit
The liability when you buy
Something like that
And then they have
Pussy pumps
Where you pump up your
Vagine
You said you want one right
Yeah
For Christmas
I want to open it in front of
Your parents
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
Can I get a pen or a pump?
Oh my god
Speaking of Christmas
Oh my god
Oh my gosh
Oh my god
Oh my gosh
Speaking of Christmas
Yeah
King-ass ripper
Uh-huh
Is no longer on YouTube now
Oh no
But he's gonna
It's so bizarre
Now he's back on LiveLeak
Under the same
Page
It's ifartinyoface
He put up
A couple of his YouTube videos
On LiveLeak
But edited down
They're not full length
So it's the same
But it's cut down
And he added
He's learning a little more
On his editing
He added lower thirds
So his basement farts
Are called like basement ripper
And it like flies in
And it says it across the bottom
Oh yeah
Okay
And it flies out
But I don't know
And he has never responded
To one of our listeners
Comments on his page
Or our emails
So
You know
Maybe just one of those
Spirits is just gonna
Live out there
Yeah
And part of it
Makes me think
You know
There's some artists out there
That don't want the spotlight
Maybe King Astropper
Wants to keep his art
Pure
Unfedered by the media
Exactly
Cause you know
Once the media
Gets a hold of you
It's like
He's like
He's just like
This
You know
Underground
Daniel Johnston
Yeah
Or like just a painter
Who's just like
Creating his work
And like
I don't want the gallery
Opening
Not to be Basquiat
Yeah
I don't need to be
Don't put me in the New Yorker
Right
I don't want to be
Jeff Coons
If you will
He's the
He's the underdog
Right
Of the farthest world
If you will
Per se
Per chance
No
Whatever
In his time
You know
One day
He's gonna realize
That
An artist cannot live
On fumes alone
And he's gonna need money
For his oatmeal
And for his breakfast sandwiches
I think so
It's a little bit
It's not exactly
What I'd imagine
I really wanted him to
You know
Reach out to us
I challenge you
You can far bigger than me
I know
I know
I am
My ego is a little bruised
It is
It's like
Come on dude
We're basically
Paying homage to you
You know
Showing you the respect
Are you biting your nails
Into the microphone
Yeah
Let's fucking finish your sentence
Do you think people with the earbuds
Want to hear you
Eating your hands
Alright
Thank you
This is where
What better venue for him
Than your mom's house podcast
This was
All for him
But that's alright
Let's not even talk about it anymore
No
It's too upsetting
I think what we should talk about
Is
Porn girl voice
Remember we were discussing that
Was it last week
Or the week before
How girls in pornography
Honestly
It wasn't until
And this is like
This goes for almost all the moments
In this scene
It wasn't until somebody
Was actually there
Telling me
You have two in you
Or you have three in you
That like it actually
Kind of clicked
And I'm like
Oh my god this is actually happening
I'm proud of myself
Wait
Three one in you
Two one in you
Yeah
Two
Three what
Do you see how she kind of
Has to not admit
To what's happening
Even in that statement
Like the vague language
Is her way of not
Not acknowledging
She's referring to penises
Strangers penises
Inside of her body
Two in
Three in
It's vague language to mask
What we're getting at
Is that voice right
What I'm getting at
Yeah is that
Oh my god
Like that
Like a lot of porn girls
Like they're
Registers up there
Yeah
Give me my reward
I want to see all the
Come on my face
So I can lick it off
Give me my reward
Oh my god
Yeah
Like that
Yeah
So Bruce Smith writes in
I think this is pretty interesting
The former Buffalo Bill
In Hall of Fame
Pro Bowl defensive end
No Bruce Smith the agent
Or the manager at Omnipop
Oh really
Yeah no
I don't know
But this is Bruce Smith
This is Bruce Smith
I don't know he's
He's just
Got it writes in
I was listening to another one
Of my favorite podcasts
DVDASA
Which stands for
Double Vagg
Double Anal
Sensitive Artist
Hosted
Okay
Hosted by David Cho
And Asa
Like here I know Asa is
A porn star
Oh yeah and David Cho is
A famous artist
Oh is he?
Sure
An artist
Yeah he's a real artist
Oh like a painting artist
Yeah
Oh for real?
David Cho
Oh is he the guy in LA
He's from LA that guy
Yeah
Oh I like him
Oh okay
Well that's cool
Anyway they were talking
About the same subject
Of weird porn girl voices
They came to the conclusion
That whenever the girl
Was molested
Or had weird shit happen
She keeps the voice
From the age it happened at
Just their theory
But I think it's possible
And actually
I think that has
A lot of merit
Because I don't
Do you remember
When Dr. Drew was
We used to watch
That show
The rehab show
Yes
And there was that
Porno actress
Remember her
What was her name?
Penny Flame
Yeah and she
She was kinda like
That infantile stuff too
And he has
The same theory
That basically
It's not necessarily the age
At which you were molested
But it is if you were molested
As a minor
You tend to
Carry that voice
That's like
You're forever
A little girl
You're forever stuck
This is so depressing
Yeah it is
It's great
Yeah
It's like such a bummer
To hear this
It is a bummer
But I think it's
It is a sign
That a woman is somehow
Not fully developed
Like look at
Let's see how beautiful
My voice is
That a low masculine
Register
That's because
I'm fully formed
If I was like
I mean
That means I'm damaged
But do you really think
That it's a direct correlation
To the age of the damage?
It's child
If you were molested
As a young woman
Yeah
Yeah but not every girl
Who's molested as a young woman
Does that though
I don't know
If the reverse of that
Is necessarily true
But it's definitely
It's like a thing
In psychology
That they talk about
And like the makeup too
When they wear that
Heavy heavy makeup
It's to cover up
Their real face
It's like
You're putting on a mask
And the voice is also
Part of that identity
I think it's super hot
Like that stuff
We should emphasize
That one of the people
From the podcast
That you're talking to
Is an actual porn star
So it's interesting
That she's
Behind this theory
Yeah and even
There's a great movie
About Margaret Thatcher
That came out
A couple years back
The porn star
Margaret Thatcher
Is a very famous porn star
In England
It's interesting
Because when they're giving
Her voice coaching lessons
Her voice was at a higher register
Right
She was more like this
Than talking to people
And her advisors said
No, no, no
You gotta have a deeper voice
Because men don't want to hear
You squealing like that
When you're talking to parliament
Men don't want to hear
That high pitched voice
They associate it
With their nagging mothers
Their nagging wives
So they actually had a teacher
To go lower in her register
To be more authoritative
Really?
Oh yeah
And there's also a thing called
Fry
Girls are talking like this now
Like the Maria thing
Yeah
There's a study done
About young girls
Who talk like this
Oh my god, seriously
Yeah, that stuff
It's called Fry
And like girls in this generation
Why is it called Fry?
Because it's like a crackle
In the whatever wavelengths
Of somebody's voice
Dirty and disgusting
And Fry is also correlated
To less power
And being less authoritative
So if you go up
At the end of your sentences
It makes people think
You don't know what you're talking about
It's easy if you're a guy
To know that if you meet a girl
That talks like that
She's definitely DTF
Yeah
Yeah, that's fine
Because you and I
Now have been playing this game
Where I point out somebody
On television
Or in public
And I ask you
Is she DTF?
And now you've been
Kind of schooling me
Like yes, no
And I'm starting to understand
What you're talking about
Yeah
Because I think
Like the girl that's ready
To suck you in a parking lot
Like she dresses a certain way
She carries herself a certain way
I'm starting to pick up on it
There's an air of dignity, I would say
But then there's also this one
There's the
The misleader
That we haven't really
Addressed yet
Huh
That's the girl
Who the amateur
The novice
The JV player
Looks at and goes
Oh, that's the outfit
That's a suck pig right there
And it's like, no, no, no
That girl's never even
Done anything
Huh
The amateur thinks
That's a way in
And it's not
She's just
Calling for attention
But she's not down
And how can you tell
A girl who's just
Doing that
It's just, I mean
I just have to
Point it out to her
How does a surfer know
Which way to catch
It's the same kind of thing
And then there's the
There's her
Basically her opposite
Which is
The one who you go
Oh, that's a conservatively dressed woman
That's the one who is more misleading to people
She's not a suck pig
Look at her, she has a
A business off and on
But guys know
Guys that are veterans know
From just a glance
Dick for days, veterans
You can give her a dick for days
But we'll see
I'm starting you
I mean, you don't just go
Hey, it's the Olympics
Right, right
No, I'm training
Cause it's interesting
I have worked with girls
In the past
Now that you mention this
When I worked in offices
Who you think
Oh, she's clearly a good girl
She probably just has cats
And she totally sucks everybody
In the office
Sometimes that's correlated to
I don't know how to say this
Without being a total douchebag here
But it's often correlated to
So the lesser attractive women
You know what I mean
Like I gotta compensate
In their minds
Oh, right
In their minds
I'm not saying they feel inferior
Cause they're not the token Barbie
Whatever
And then they have to overcompensate
That happens sometimes
That happens
I remember there was a girl in college
Who just let it be known
That she was a suck pig
She was a mouth pig
And that everybody could just
Put it in her mouth if they wanted to
And so did you try her out?
I did not
But she was a real PIG
If you know what I mean
There's some hoes in this house
There's some hoes in this house
She was doing the compensation thing
The overcompensating
Yes
She was not what I would like to call
An attractive living person
Right
And I think a lot of girls in
You see that a lot in high school
And in college
A lot of girls will put out more
If they feel like they don't have
Something to offer
Cause she didn't get any attention
Otherwise she was like
Put your dick in my mouth
That's attention, right?
It's sad
But it makes you laugh still
It still makes me laugh
Curious
It's funny that you pointed that out
That it's sad but it still makes me laugh
What part is the funniest about that?
About a damaged girl
Who's father didn't give her any attention
She has to help and save for it
Go ahead, let's talk about it
But the funny thing was that
The girl that I'm thinking of
Particularly was just very, very
Describer, describer
She's not gonna listen to this
I don't know, she definitely isn't listening to this
You know what a lot of times that girl does?
That girl hangs out
With the very attractive slutty girl
In other words
She's not gonna get invited
To hang out with good girls
Cause she's a bad girl
That she likes dick for days
That's true
And you know why the good girls
Often judge the bad girls
Until later in life
When you go, oh, I don't give a fuck
She just likes dick
So the bad pig found
The bad pig
The ugly pig
Okay, alright
I mean
Can we give her some dignity?
She's a damaged girl
Let's have some sympathy
She would hang out with the hot pig
The hot pig
The hot dick pig
The hot damaged
Right
And you see that a lot too
In high school
Is that like
That hot slutty girl
Is also not allowed to
Socialize with other girls
Reject her
Yes
Alright
So she's like
Oh, I have no one
And she's like
Well, this dirty ugly pig
She'll be my friend
Wow
It's like
You could put Dr. Drew out of his job
Do you have a degree in psychology?
You're really good at this
You should counsel teenage girls
You're ugly
And you're not
But you guys are friends
Hmm
What do you guys have in common?
Oh, we're both suck pigs
Hmm
Do you want to know something interesting though?
That dynamic occurs
Hmm
When men, like young girls and young boys
Can go to school together
No, seriously, like in a co-ed high school
Yeah
A lot of times the sluts do get ostracized
Yes
Because of the male presence
Yes
So girls compete for male attention
Now in my school, I went to an all girls
After I got kicked out of public school
Where I got into fights with black girls
Hmm
And I got sent to a really nice
Private all girls Catholic school
And we celebrated our sluts
Actually, the hierarchy changed
Oh, because it was all girls
Interesting
Yes
So what happened was
The girls that were sucking it
And weren't doing stuff
At least in my clique
Hmm
Were elevated to queen bee status
Because we went
What, you've done what?
Tell me about it
And then at lunch we'd all sit around
And hear the stories
And take a knee and listen to what this girl had done
So you were like the queen of the whole school
Not me
Not me
A friend of mine was
We were in 10th grade
And she was dating a 21 year old
Jesus
I know
That guy should be arrested
As we thought at that age too, actually
21 to 15
Yeah, scandals
Yeah
But this girl knew how to do stuff
Before any of us
And so we would sit around
Did she talk like that?
Yeah
She did?
Yes
No, she didn't talk like that
No
She had piercings
Well before any of us
What?
She had nipple piercings
In 11th grade
I remember I had a girl with nipple piercings
In high school
And that was crazy
Yeah
It's a lot for 11th grader I think
Definitely
Yeah
She was very advanced
And I don't know what her background is
We were too young for me
To even realize that maybe she had been molested
Or whatever the heck
I don't know
Who knows
Anyways
Without men there
It's completely different
Because there was nobody
To compete for
That's fascinating
And you don't get shamed
Without men there
It's like the presence of men
Shames you
Because it's not the men's fault
It's the women
Because now the women feel competitive
For the male attention
And obviously young men
Who want to get off
Are gonna go to the sluts, right?
So that good girls
Get left out
They go
Well fuck her
Why is she getting all the male attention?
Well because she's putting it out
Right?
So then they all gang up
On the sluts
The quote unquote sluts
Yeah
And then the girls who are good
Feel like
This stupid big
And they gang up on her
I think the lesson's pretty clear
Be a slut
Serve up that box
Exactly
If you want guys to really like you
And see the inner you
Show them the pussy
Show them the pussy
Now here's how it works
In our school though
At the Catholic school
Now the reason that hierarchy worked
Is because we were rebelling
There was somebody
The nuns
Were the figures
Against which we rebelled
So it was a form of
Sticking it to the Catholic man
For us to talk about sex
To be into drugs
To be into all the bad stuff
You see how it works?
So it's awesome
If you guys want to hook up
Go to Catholic girls
So when the girls would
Share their stories
Would they get into like super details?
Yeah
They would
Because she was teaching us
How to do
What she knew how to do at school
I put his dick in my mouth
And then really
And the girls were like
Nah
It was more like
Shock and horror
Like what?
And I played with his balls
You played with his balls
Yeah
Yeah
And you always put the middle finger
Up his butthole
Right
You're like what the
Man
Yeah because your friend is teaching
You stuff that the nuns
Ain't gonna teach you
Yeah
I remember
Asking details like that
To guys
And then being like
Yeah
Like guys would be like
Yeah
Fingered her
I'd be like
So what was it like?
I'd be like
What do you mean?
Yeah
I'm just like
What'd it feel like?
Yeah
Tell me
Yeah that's how I asked
In like seventh grade
Yeah of course
Because my friend Mark
Was um
Fingering girls in seventh grade
That's so early
To be finger banging
I thought it was
Geez
People that said it wasn't
But I thought it was early
And I was like
What's it feel like?
He's like a fucking web pussy
Okay
Good description kid
Yeah it's like
Come on man
Tell me some more
So romantic
Yeah
And stuff way earlier now
The guy in Miami that I met
Said that the Miami area
Like he's like
Growing up in Miami
Is like growing up
In a fucking orgy
He's like
We were all sucking
In a fucking
In like fifth and sixth grade
Oh my god
That's what he told me
He said that he had sex
For the first time in sixth grade
And that he was like
The last one of his friends
Oh my god
Let me guess
Latin
Yes
No he wasn't
He was Jewish
But he grew up in a very
You know
Latin
And not like
Puerto Rican
No
And not like what you're imagining
Which is like
In the favelas
Up on the other side of the house
It was like
Overplaying soccer
And garbage
Yeah
It was
Not a tap dancing
On pieces of tile
Just lay out that cardboard
And show us your moves
It was
It was like
A well educated
He was like
A well educated
He was like
A well educated
He was like
A well educated
He was like
A well educated
He was like
He was like
A well educated
You know
He's like
He's like
Our whole culture is just
Sex
Sex
Sex
Sex
Wow
He's like
But sixth grade
And he's like
Yeah
I believe that
I believe too
We were
We were just sitting yesterday
We were sitting out
In our neighborhood
Kind of watching people
And we were like
God
This L.A. is really laid back
Compared to places like
Miami
Where they're very
Very much into
Your shun there
Your fucking pig
Yeah
Like why aren't you
Wearing your high heels
And why aren't you tan
And why aren't your tits
Quadrupled ease
It really is
There it is
It is a show
You are not
You're literally
Not getting dressed for you
You're getting dressed
To show everybody
Look at me
Look at my tits
Look at my meat hangers
Would you be
You got tits for days
You could do it
Right
Would you be upset
If I
How would you feel
If I just started
Out
You know it's so
It's so
Foreign to you
It's so the opposite
Of how you operate
But I think I would
Just be like
Wow
I just
It would just shock me
But would it upset you
To see other Puerto Rican men
Enjoying looking at my boobs
Look Puerto Rican men
Stare at you
Whether or not
Your tits are out
So I'm already
Used to them looking at you
Thank God
Yeah
But Mexicanos
They're gonna look
Doesn't matter where you go
Or what you wear
Just Puerto Rican
They're always gonna
Act the same
I got
You know I do
Want to
I wish I could find that
Dr. Drew
There was a time when
He discussed that whole thing
Talking in baby voice
And he's a sign
Of damaged girl
Yeah
Why
Why
I got
To ask you
To ask
I mean
Really
Dirty and disgusting
That's different
Maria is not molested
I know
But
Neither is Jane
I'd like to
I got
I got
Really
So
Hold on
This is great
There's a tweet that came in
That I know you're
Super pumped about
Hold on
So on the last show
I was
We were just talking
About GPAs
And schooling
And look
Let's face it
I had been on a
Percocet
Binge for a week
I wasn't exactly
With it
A lot of times
When I do this show
Am I really with it?
Things that are factually
Inaccurate?
Yeah
You know why?
I'm a fucking comedian
Okay
I'm not a scientist
I'm not a doctor
Who gives a shit
Right?
So this guy on Twitter
This is my favorite
Dearly
He writes to me
The correct order is
Cum laude
Magna
Then summa
And then he writes
You were a tad arrogant
For being wrong
So I forwarded to Tom
And I'm like
Oh, you're going to be happy
About this
Excuse me
I did get it wrong
And do you know why?
Because
It's been a long time
Since I've been in college
And also because
You didn't really go to college
Oh, that too
I went to beauty school
Like my mom wanted me to
Yeah
I don't remember things, guys
It's been fucking
99 is when I graduated
You do the math
You do the math
You do the math
Damn
Damn
What's with the breathing?
So that's that?
Yeah, because you know
That guy put you in your place
Because you tried to
Shame me
Right
That day
That's why he did that
Oh, he's standing up for you?
Of course
You were trying to be like
You know, if you had done that
You'd be magna cum laude
And then you'd be summa cum laude
Wait, let me get the order
I can't even remember it
That's how
Okay, cum laude is like 3-5
Okay
That's like the baseline
For honor roll
Do you remember
Getting a letter in the mail?
Yes
Okay
Congratulations
You're on the honor roll
Yes, I was on the honor roll
Okay
Magna is like 3, what?
7-5?
I don't know
Don't you have it in front of you?
No, he didn't
He didn't
Listen, this is the one fault
He didn't specify the GPAs for this
Okay
Hmm
And I want to say summa is like
4K
Here's um, actually I have part of my
Acceptance speech when I got my award
Yeah
Come on, master fucking fuck's ways
Can you imagine
After getting an award for his
Oh, I'd like to thank everybody
Okay, here we go
Ready?
Yeah
Graduation with honors
Cum laude, a GPA
3.5 to 3.7
Magna cum laude
3.8 to 3.9
GPA for summa cum laude is 4.0 plus
Now I never proclaimed to be summa
That's ridiculous
I think I graduated magna
You graduated magna
Yeah
I don't believe that
Actually, I did
I don't believe that
Do you want to know why?
Well
I did really good in school
That's why
Here, I have um
When you got your magna cum laude
It's a real good award
I have your recording from that
Fuck my summa
I know
Do you think all my teachers would be
Super proud to know
This is what I've used my philosophy to
Grieve for
Yeah, I think they'd be really
Really proud
Yeah
Thank you
Dr. Stump
And Dr. Tori for teaching me
Dr. Stump, thank you very much
Uh, and also
We got a great email
We discussed the uh
Bristol Stool Chart
We certainly
Most definitely did
And uh, hold on
I gotta find this email
Interestingly enough
Right before we did the show
Uh
Thank you
Next up
Brown talk
Brown talk coming up
You've been warned
There you go, there's your warning
Well, interesting because I
Uh, before we recorded
I was making a brown
And it started off
As a one
It was very hard to come out
And then eventually graduated to
A smooth five
Whoa, five is
Pretty far down
You sure it wasn't a four?
Is the four more of uh
The four is more complete
Smooth sausage, snake-like
Yeah
Yeah, sorry
This is from memory
That's the one I had
Smooth and snake-like
That's what Oprah calls a swoosh
She likes that one too
Oprah says that?
Yeah, Oprah a long time ago
Had Dr. Oz on
I think and they were talking about
What a normal bowel movement should look like
And it was of course one of those things
Where she was like, now ladies
I know you're going to be
If you don't get offended now
We gotta talk about poop
Like she was totally making a big deal out of it
She blacked it up
She blacks it up when she talks about stuff
That people are a little squeamish about
Yeah
And she did one of those
Now you know you gotta talk about Joe Brown
Before you continue on that
Speaking of blacks
I need to give a huge shout out to
I had the best time in Philadelphia
Helium Comedy Club there
Is now one of my favorite comedy clubs
Really?
In the country
Really?
And I had the best time
At that club
I will definitely be back there
And I want to thank all the mommies
That came out all weekend long
Because it was just so much fun
I really had
Remember how much fun I didn't have
At a club a few weeks ago?
Yeah
This is the opposite of that
I had that much fun
I was telling you every night
I was calling you like
I had the best time the night
And it was just good time
It's nice isn't it
It's refreshing
Very refreshing
I have a feeling my week in
The Tay House is going to be like that
In Cap City
It's a great club
You're going to have a good time
Yeah it's just a little
So many things go into that
You know the audience being cool
Respectful
The club being cool
Yeah
It can be a real fucking drag
When it's not dude bro
Alright so
Speaking of our Bristol stool chart
Guess what?
Somebody from Bristol
In the UK
Where this is born
So this is from Mike
Oh Mike
Mike
Mike are you
Do you speak with an accent?
Do you say
And you sir
Are you waiting to receive
My limp penis
I get to Hogwarts
Yeah he says
I am from Bristol in the UK
The home of the Bristol stool chart
Hello
Hello Gavna
I've been a long time listener
Never thought I'd hear the stool chart
Mentioned on your show
My girlfriend a nurse here
Showed me the standard issue
NHS National Health Service
Bristol Stool Chart
A few years back
And it's been a talking point
Between us
And our friends for a while
I'm glad you've enjoyed it so much too
Much love mommies Mike
Awesome
You know what that's like
When you laugh at something personal
For so long
And you're like
If only the world
Could see how stupid this is
And it's kind of like that for him
When like your worlds collide
There's a chart like that
By the way
In the military
When I was in the Middle East
Where it's a P chart
It tells you what color your P
Has to be
Sure yeah
In that hot of a climate
And what color your P
Definitely shouldn't be
You want to be pretty clear
You want it to be
Light yellow like our
High definition glasses
Actually that's too dark
Yeah it's too dark
If it's high definition
More clear
Yeah you have to be super clear
Otherwise you're super dehydrated
Yeah
You don't want to pee sunshine
When you're out in it
You don't want to pee sunshine
That's really scary
The only time you will
You will also pee sunshine
If you eat nothing but protein
Really
And nothing else
Yeah even if you're hydrated
I don't know
It's weird
I got a hat right
You need a hat right
That's fucking weird
Gatorade
I don't know why
I really don't know why
Well um
Yeah jeans
You gotta wash your balls
You gotta wash your ass
And if you got dick for days
You gotta show everybody
Is that what we've learned today
I feel like that's what we learned today
Yeah
I think so too
By the way
It's been so much fun
Since we've started asking you guys
For songs
You've really enlightened us
I feel like you've enhanced the show
Most definitely
By creating songs
And you know we play them a lot
And sometimes
We get so many things in our emails
That like
Since we don't really have like a
We have no staff
We do all this stuff ourselves
A lot of times
After we you know
Pull something and prep it for our show
We don't remember who sent it in
So we have
I always want to apologize
For not being able to give you credit
Um but this time I can
Because this is straight from an email here
Uh tech from Oak Town
Oak Town
Yeah
Oakland
Oak Town
What's up
Biatch
Tech
He is
E40's cousin
He's a long time listener
He made this song for us
That is
Basically a tribute to
Tribes
Electric relaxation
And um but it's momified
Um
He says the cover is done by Bad Bad
Not good
A trio of talented guys
And um
His
Twitter handle is Pimp Sandwich
But there's no I in sandwich
So it's P-I-M-P-S-A-N-D-W-C-H
And here is his
Jammy Jam
That's gonna take us out of the show
No
Alright
I love it
I love you
I love you mommies
Do you love me or the mommies
Yeah you
Really I feel like it's
No
But I like when you say that
I love you
I love you too jeans
Yeah
You're my jeans
You're mine
Bye guys
We'll see you in a little bit
You can be my momma
You can be my momma
You can be my momma
And I'll be your boy
You can be my momma
And I'll be your boy
Relax yourself girl
Please wipe down
Relax yourself girl
Please wipe down
Relax yourself girl
Please wipe down
Relax yourself girl
Please wipe down
Relax yourself girl
Please wipe down
Relax yourself girl
Please wipe down
Mommy check it out
You got me mesmerized
Looking good
And in a bitch with them
Fat ass thighs
Fill her up
Sill her shut
Every day
Empty out my clip
And I'll be on my way
Korean barbecue
Or sushi buffet
Yeah my man
Tommy Bums
He got something to say
Christina likes a brown yellow
Puerto Rican a Haitian
From the Zulu nation
If you in a jam
You can't hold back
Don't worry
Tell me where the dude's at
Christina posters
On my bedroom wall
Got a relationship in question
I'm about to call
At times to grow
Or where you need to tweet
You're mine
Oh god
Over this here beat
Talking bout you
Yo I'll take you out
Here's a dental update
I need to floss my mouth
My mind's in a frenzy
In a horny state
To all you cunt dogs
this is what I say
relax yourself girl
please wipe down
relax yourself
girl please wipe down
relax yourself
girl please wipe down
relax yourself
girl please wipe down
relax yourself
girl please wipe down
00:55:27,600 --> 00:55:28,600
girl please wipe down
00:55:28,600 --> 00:55:29,600
girl please wipe down
relax yourself
girl please wipe down
relax yourself
girl please wipe down
Hey welcome
to your mom's house
Look at her
はなきゃ
Big ups and bad bad
no good on the beat
Big ups and death squads
I don't say
all these new lockers
top dog
deal hunks
all the mom's everywhere
Where you at?
Mom's house?
Oh my god
I love you
Here's my reward
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music