Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 150-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

Get your hands off my penis! All of you! Can you be arrested for simply enjoying a meal? We think, yes. Jeans has t*ts for days and well, buns has d**k for days, ya dig? If you are black and don't hav...e d**k for days would you be a doll and let us know about it? We examine the porn girls voice - could you possible remove that with your implants, please! Tommy trains Tina in identifying who is a suck pig and who isn't, but Tina reveals the secret of what shames and what celebrates giving out the good stuff. Be proud of who you are, pig!

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Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 I'd like to take a screenshot of my dates on my iPhone, but my top button doesn't work anymore Why doesn't it work? I've been pushing it too much over the the months I guess So when does the new iPhone come out and can we get it? I thought it was coming out this month. Is that not true? Because I can't restart my phone. I'm stuck All right jeans This week. I'm so excited. I'm going to Austin Cap City Comedy Club September 4th through 7th Please Come see your mommy and if you saw me at that cool Austin Festival come see me do an hour son
Starting point is 00:00:49 If you like what you heard September 12th through 14th the underground comedy club in Toronto, Canada Which is exciting too and then September 27th buns and I along with Brian Redband and Tony Hinchcliffe will be in Columbus, Ohio And then the 29th just Tommy and me go to Alabama. We're at the stardome in Birmingham September 30th Tommy and me at Zane's in Nashville, Tennessee. Fine Stevie We're gonna find Stevie October 2nd Tommy and I are in Charlotte, North Carolina And then we added man friend disco San Francisco October 6th at Cobb's comedy club podcast and We're gonna tell the jokes. Yeah, we're gonna do both there, but we're supposed to do Atlanta, you know, no
Starting point is 00:01:39 Yeah, the day after Charlotte Yeah, she'll lie the day after or the day before one of the two. I Don't know why it's not up. Yeah, I didn't even it's part of our part of our little mini tour All right Well, you heard it come see us guys. We need your support come see us either Columbus Birmingham Nashville Charlotte Atlanta, hopefully San Francisco. We need to see you San Francisco You get the podcast and the stand-up show this week. I'm in Long Island strong Island, New York Me EPM D. We're at McGuire's
Starting point is 00:02:17 The fifth or the seventh and then next week I'm in Fort Lauderdale September 12th through the 14th the Fort Lauderdale improv And that's that for now and oh after that San Francisco day the 10th of the 12th I'm at comics at Foxwood's comedy club in casino Christina knows what that's all about So that's it man I like this
Starting point is 00:02:45 Well It was sent to us twice. It was because he was like you guys are ignoring this. It's pretty amazing and I We should oh, yeah, I see this now. So are you sleeping on these? Are you sleeping on these mommy horns, Julian Frank? Yeah So there you go Julian There you go, Julian. Thanks Jules. Jules is what we call them because we're so familiar Hey Jules Alright guys All right, you ready to start the show. That's what's up. Let's do it
Starting point is 00:03:26 Gentlemen this is democracy manifest Have a look at the headlock here Don't bring anyone loving to this Oh Yeah Submitted to us by Steven On the interwebs on the interwebs Twitter. I think yeah, that guy is a Hilarious
Starting point is 00:04:41 He sounds like Sean Conroy. He's being it's called they say they say it's epic Australian man I didn't know he was Australian, but I guess he is He's being escorted out of a restaurant by like five police officers And he's sorry. He's like he's ready to make his statement and then he just it just kind of blows up and he resists And he goes I'll sit down inside the car. I'm not assuring anything I'm under arrest Look, I'm under what?
Starting point is 00:05:16 You're under arrest Gentlemen, this is democracy manifest Have a look at the headlock here See that chap over there, he's got your hand off my penis This is the boy who got me on the penis before Why did you do this? What is the charge? Eating a meal?
Starting point is 00:05:38 A succulent Chinese meal Oh, that's a nice headlock, sir Ah, yes I see that you know your judo well And you sir, are you waiting to receive my limp penis? I love a succulent Chinese meal He sounds a little bit like Elvis Dumbledore Are you waiting to receive my limp penis?
Starting point is 00:06:11 My limp penis, sir, cast a spell on you God damn it What a class And you sir, are you waiting to receive my limp penis? My limp penis, how dare you get your hand off me? Geez, man What elegance Democracy at work
Starting point is 00:06:42 I don't have the heart to look this up But like somebody find out what this guy was arrested for I'm dying to know I know, because something tells me he's been arrested a few times Because he's not panicked, he's making a joke of it Maybe he's done this a few times before It's possible Because if I were being arrested I'd be really panicked
Starting point is 00:07:04 Like I wouldn't have the wherewithal to be as dramatic And have the Shakespearean flair Like that I wouldn't be able to say that, would you? It's so funny It's pretty hysterical, man Democracy! He's in Australia?
Starting point is 00:07:22 Yeah, it looks like it's Australia too Do they even have democracy in Australia? What do they have there? Yeah, of course they have democracy Don't they have like parliament stuff? Yeah, but I mean... It's not democracy People vote
Starting point is 00:07:37 What do they vote about? Like, oh, how many kangaroos do we let? Yeah, they elect how many dead dingo's carcasses will be for dinner Is that what we're talking about? Gordlet's vote And you, sir, are you waiting to receive my limp penis? And you, sir, are you waiting to receive my limp penis? A succulent Chinese meal?
Starting point is 00:08:03 That's so good That's always a good way to diffuse a masculine authority is to threaten them with homosexuality That's pretty intelligent, actually Of course To be like, are you guys gay? Are you touching my painter? That's how you get brutes to lay their hands off of you What is the charge? Eating a meal?
Starting point is 00:08:23 Eating a succulent Chinese meal I'm under water And this is democracy manifest Have a look at the headlock here See that chap over there? He's the charge Eating a meal A succulent Chinese meal
Starting point is 00:08:44 I'm Albus Dumbledore Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Magic and Wizardry Oh, my God, that made me laugh Yeah, it's a pretty shit dude, huh? Good stuff, yeah That hippie What could he be doing in a Chinese restaurant to merit that type of brutality? I don't know, man
Starting point is 00:09:04 There's a lot of cops there This guy's wanted for more than like For then stealing fortune cookies Then enjoying a succulent Chinese meal Yeah, he's done probably I'm guessing the charge at least more than that He doesn't look that dangerous to me It's pretty, yeah
Starting point is 00:09:24 Yeah, good for him How are you doing today, Jeans? You okay? I'm tired, I have a fucking... What's wrong, Jeansy Bear? It's too hot It'll sleep well It is too hot It's too hot
Starting point is 00:09:37 It's too hot Oh, it's too hot for me I don't like when it's hot outside That's your latest thing that you start to act like an old Jewish guy Oh, come on I don't like the heat I can't sleep or enjoy a sandwich Tristira keeps saying that I'm an old Jewish guy named Ira
Starting point is 00:10:03 And that I... Because you're saying things that are... Like you've always been kind of scratchy Kind of growly and bear-like But lately it's taken... It's not just like it's a bear complaint Like now it's a little nebishi You're just a little whiny
Starting point is 00:10:24 You know, like we were going down to the beach the other day And we had on like these chairs that we use as backpacks Like they're these nerd chairs you get a target Yeah You turned to me Do you remember? And you were like Is there something in my backpack? It feels like it's heavier than usual
Starting point is 00:10:44 I did not say it like that It feels heavier than usual I want my locks and cream cheese in my bagel Oh, Ira And then I had to check Ira's backpack to make sure it wasn't too heavy That's something in my backpack And then we... We saw a sailboat and I told you I like my sailboats
Starting point is 00:11:12 But I don't like to be in them I like to watch them But you said it too Like an old man where you were clearly upset at the thought Of even being in that sailboat We were sitting next to each other looking at these beautiful boats And you were shaking your head like just I'm so upset at the thought
Starting point is 00:11:30 And you go I like sailboats but I don't like to sail in them That's not true And then your mouth was open when you looked up at the luggage That's not true In the plane you went Your mouth's always open That feels totally abusive and not true
Starting point is 00:11:54 And you're more like that than I am Abusive Me Me I don't know about that I only want to have one coffee a day If you have two It's too much caffeine
Starting point is 00:12:13 I gotta get my teeth fixed Ira I want my teeth fixed My teeth look terrible Can I tell you Right now I've got I have two bonding
Starting point is 00:12:24 Some of my front teeth They're fake I knocked half of one out as a kid That's the story One of them It's so old now Tom It's chipping I have a fucking chipped bonding
Starting point is 00:12:34 Can you see that? Yeah I see it And it's their buttery yellow Just like yours Both of us have I don't have buttery yellow Yellow is these high definition glass lenses here Which by the way
Starting point is 00:12:48 I don't know if you saw the commercial But now They're night vision They're night vision driving glasses They look awesome They're not Four hundred and forty nine dollars They're two for ten
Starting point is 00:12:59 Oh I love when they show you the extreme discount Yeah You're getting Not four forty nine ninety nine What They're ten dollars Actually They're two for ten dollars
Starting point is 00:13:13 How much would you pay for this fine item I like to The premise is The road it's too blurry I can't see it night So instead of going to the doctor That's how you drive I can't see
Starting point is 00:13:27 It's too dark out What happens night vision Is that things get real blurry Right But instead of going to the eye doctor I'm just going to buy a pair Ten dollar HD glasses Yeah so it makes it yellow outside
Starting point is 00:13:41 Instead of blurry I like to make yellow And now I see yellow How much would you pay Five thousand dollars No How about ten ninety nine Okay
Starting point is 00:13:57 I'd like that So anyways we have a lot to go over We have Oh another interesting thing Tom said to me on the couch We were watching our shows And he turns to me This was last night even
Starting point is 00:14:15 And he goes You know how they say The girls have legs for days How come nobody says She has tits for days Yeah Yeah That's a good idea I think
Starting point is 00:14:28 To start bringing that into conversation Man she's got tits for days It means they keep going And going and going What made you think of that I was looking at your big hangers And I was like man you got tits for days My big meat hangers
Starting point is 00:14:44 Yeah They're getting a little soggy As the years go by They look great They used to look amazing Now they're like okay I think they're okay No they look great
Starting point is 00:14:53 They need support That's the key Is you need a good support bra You got tits for days How come they don't say Oh he's got dicks for days That's another thing they should say Man that guy's got dicks for days
Starting point is 00:15:06 He's got this Dick that just keeps on going And going and going Dick that keeps on dicking Yeah That guy's got dick for days See I like that expression And you get the double D right there
Starting point is 00:15:18 He's got dick for days Double D Yeah the two The hard D on both of them Dick for days Hey have you seen You seen Carl Who's that
Starting point is 00:15:30 You know That guy's got He's got dick for days Oh yeah I saw him in the locker room Changing Okay Did you know Did you know many guys
Starting point is 00:15:41 I had dick for days Where in high school High school a couple guys Had dick for days College I heard about a couple guys Bet you a lot And play sports Have big dicks
Starting point is 00:15:53 Some but not all Yeah I'm sure like I'm sure Maybe the darker players I don't know You're playing guys that are outside a lot So they're dark
Starting point is 00:16:04 I'm just saying maybe the The players with The ones that run really fast And throw the ball pretty far But what does that have to do with being dark I'm just saying generally they tend To be darker in skin tone And they overwhelmingly
Starting point is 00:16:20 Populate like the NFL The I don't know what other associations The NBA Are you saying like people from the south So they're outside Yeah some some live in the south Some are southern
Starting point is 00:16:35 Some talk with a little twang Twang An interesting sort of accent Yeah those types Hey what kind of What kind of twang Are you talking about exactly I don't know
Starting point is 00:16:50 I'm gonna put my headband on You know like a Like a silly draw Like they talk You know what I'm saying Yeah like that Yeah they got dick for days They got dick for days
Starting point is 00:17:02 That's like undeniable right Yeah See what the fuck is that I gotta show you this one video Of this guy that has the dick for I've seen it days Is it on tube trooper Which one do you
Starting point is 00:17:12 There's a whole genre Dedicated to To dick for days Yeah Do you watch it a lot I just When I peruse the categories of pornography I'm just like whoa
Starting point is 00:17:24 That looks terrible And then I go past There's a lot of categories On tube trooper I go right past You're trying to tell me that Dick for days looks terrible It looks terrible in Real life to accept a dick for days
Starting point is 00:17:35 Yeah Really Yeah I think it's the fantasy of it It's probably more alluring than the reality Do you remember when Yoshi was here last And he said that The number one search for straight men
Starting point is 00:17:49 Was big dicks Oh yeah really oh yeah That the thing that straight men Look for the most Is like The big dick being shown to the woman So the woman being like oh Right
Starting point is 00:18:02 Oh Because then they imagine it's their penis Oh my gosh Yeah Right I think it's the idea that Oh this is my huge penis I think it's not just mine I think that's part of it
Starting point is 00:18:15 But I think part of it is just Is seeing the woman Like her lips Like going Like this is a tasty looking sandwich Right here This guy's got Dick for days
Starting point is 00:18:29 Exactly Exactly Oh my gosh I eat the ass and pussy all the time I got nothing But that is you know You and I often discuss the myth that Large men with large hands
Starting point is 00:18:45 Have large penises Well I am the original detective That told you that that's not That that's a fallacy Right But how do you explain The phenomenon of the darker It's not 100%
Starting point is 00:18:58 Skinned people who play sports It's not 100% It's not 100% No You've known guys Darker skinned gentlemen With small penis Uh huh
Starting point is 00:19:09 And average size too Who I'm not going to sell them out On the show Say their names first and last With their address Kevin Jenkins Wow
Starting point is 00:19:18 Yeah you know I'm a little Not schooled enough I'm probably talking out of Turn here Yeah I know for sure Our listeners will tell you If you're a black man With a small penis
Starting point is 00:19:29 Right to us Not necessarily small Just say you know How about a black guy With a not Enormous penis That's very common With a dick for one day
Starting point is 00:19:39 Right Not days plural A half days work dick A six hour shift dick Okay Yeah it's definitely A working man So you were over the belief
Starting point is 00:19:49 Before we had this conversation That Every single black guy All black men Have penises Well they have Large penises Large penises
Starting point is 00:19:58 Sorry it's early So yeah I did actually Have that in my mind I did I don't know why maybe It's because every time I've seen a black guy
Starting point is 00:20:06 Naked in pornography Oh they're in porn Huge peners Dick I'll make you Snap somebody in the face It's not everyone But white men
Starting point is 00:20:15 In pornography Are varied in size But usually Black guys They tend to Stereotype I guess Well they also I think
Starting point is 00:20:23 The whole thing is The guy that's in that Movie that you're watching Obviously purchasing Purchasing Ah I don't Purchase pornography The black guy
Starting point is 00:20:31 In the pornography He was Hired to be in that porn Because He's a black guy With a big old dong Oh see now it's making sense You see what I'm saying
Starting point is 00:20:40 See I see what you're saying I need you to do some Sex right now Remember that website We looked at last night Um Not the real estate one Where we were pretending
Starting point is 00:20:57 To live in million dollar Houses Oh yeah that was fun It's called Oh yeah We had some mommies Email us about We were like
Starting point is 00:21:05 Go look at Extreme restraints Cause they actually Sponsored Dan Savage's Podcast And it's good for a giggle Check out extremerestraints.com Jesus yeah
Starting point is 00:21:17 Some of the ball clamps And dick weights That's my favorite My favorite is the block That you put on a man's genitals God that looks unbelievable You put it on the balls And the peener
Starting point is 00:21:31 And then it makes him Get down on his knees And if he stands up He tears his beans And junk off Can't believe that It's horrible That's dangerous
Starting point is 00:21:40 How do they sell that stuff To peeps I don't know They've got to have a huge Like liability Or I guess you just forfeit The liability when you buy Something like that
Starting point is 00:21:51 And then they have Pussy pumps Where you pump up your Vagine You said you want one right Yeah For Christmas I want to open it in front of
Starting point is 00:22:02 Your parents Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Can I get a pen or a pump? Oh my god Speaking of Christmas Oh my god Oh my gosh
Starting point is 00:22:15 Oh my god Oh my gosh Speaking of Christmas Yeah King-ass ripper Uh-huh Is no longer on YouTube now Oh no
Starting point is 00:22:26 But he's gonna It's so bizarre Now he's back on LiveLeak Under the same Page It's ifartinyoface He put up A couple of his YouTube videos
Starting point is 00:22:40 On LiveLeak But edited down They're not full length So it's the same But it's cut down And he added He's learning a little more On his editing
Starting point is 00:22:49 He added lower thirds So his basement farts Are called like basement ripper And it like flies in And it says it across the bottom Oh yeah Okay And it flies out
Starting point is 00:23:03 But I don't know And he has never responded To one of our listeners Comments on his page Or our emails So You know Maybe just one of those
Starting point is 00:23:13 Spirits is just gonna Live out there Yeah And part of it Makes me think You know There's some artists out there That don't want the spotlight
Starting point is 00:23:21 Maybe King Astropper Wants to keep his art Pure Unfedered by the media Exactly Cause you know Once the media Gets a hold of you
Starting point is 00:23:30 It's like He's like He's just like This You know Underground Daniel Johnston Yeah
Starting point is 00:23:38 Or like just a painter Who's just like Creating his work And like I don't want the gallery Opening Not to be Basquiat Yeah
Starting point is 00:23:46 I don't need to be Don't put me in the New Yorker Right I don't want to be Jeff Coons If you will He's the He's the underdog
Starting point is 00:23:54 Right Of the farthest world If you will Per se Per chance No Whatever In his time
Starting point is 00:24:02 You know One day He's gonna realize That An artist cannot live On fumes alone And he's gonna need money For his oatmeal
Starting point is 00:24:10 And for his breakfast sandwiches I think so It's a little bit It's not exactly What I'd imagine I really wanted him to You know Reach out to us
Starting point is 00:24:25 I challenge you You can far bigger than me I know I know I am My ego is a little bruised It is It's like
Starting point is 00:24:35 Come on dude We're basically Paying homage to you You know Showing you the respect Are you biting your nails Into the microphone Yeah
Starting point is 00:24:46 Let's fucking finish your sentence Do you think people with the earbuds Want to hear you Eating your hands Alright Thank you This is where What better venue for him
Starting point is 00:24:58 Than your mom's house podcast This was All for him But that's alright Let's not even talk about it anymore No It's too upsetting I think what we should talk about
Starting point is 00:25:07 Is Porn girl voice Remember we were discussing that Was it last week Or the week before How girls in pornography Honestly It wasn't until
Starting point is 00:25:21 And this is like This goes for almost all the moments In this scene It wasn't until somebody Was actually there Telling me You have two in you Or you have three in you
Starting point is 00:25:31 That like it actually Kind of clicked And I'm like Oh my god this is actually happening I'm proud of myself Wait Three one in you Two one in you
Starting point is 00:25:42 Yeah Two Three what Do you see how she kind of Has to not admit To what's happening Even in that statement Like the vague language
Starting point is 00:25:53 Is her way of not Not acknowledging She's referring to penises Strangers penises Inside of her body Two in Three in It's vague language to mask
Starting point is 00:26:05 What we're getting at Is that voice right What I'm getting at Yeah is that Oh my god Like that Like a lot of porn girls Like they're
Starting point is 00:26:15 Registers up there Yeah Give me my reward I want to see all the Come on my face So I can lick it off Give me my reward Oh my god
Starting point is 00:26:28 Yeah Like that Yeah So Bruce Smith writes in I think this is pretty interesting The former Buffalo Bill In Hall of Fame Pro Bowl defensive end
Starting point is 00:26:37 No Bruce Smith the agent Or the manager at Omnipop Oh really Yeah no I don't know But this is Bruce Smith This is Bruce Smith I don't know he's
Starting point is 00:26:46 He's just Got it writes in I was listening to another one Of my favorite podcasts DVDASA Which stands for Double Vagg Double Anal
Starting point is 00:26:57 Sensitive Artist Hosted Okay Hosted by David Cho And Asa Like here I know Asa is A porn star Oh yeah and David Cho is
Starting point is 00:27:06 A famous artist Oh is he? Sure An artist Yeah he's a real artist Oh like a painting artist Yeah Oh for real?
Starting point is 00:27:14 David Cho Oh is he the guy in LA He's from LA that guy Yeah Oh I like him Oh okay Well that's cool Anyway they were talking
Starting point is 00:27:22 About the same subject Of weird porn girl voices They came to the conclusion That whenever the girl Was molested Or had weird shit happen She keeps the voice From the age it happened at
Starting point is 00:27:33 Just their theory But I think it's possible And actually I think that has A lot of merit Because I don't Do you remember When Dr. Drew was
Starting point is 00:27:43 We used to watch That show The rehab show Yes And there was that Porno actress Remember her What was her name?
Starting point is 00:27:51 Penny Flame Yeah and she She was kinda like That infantile stuff too And he has The same theory That basically It's not necessarily the age
Starting point is 00:28:00 At which you were molested But it is if you were molested As a minor You tend to Carry that voice That's like You're forever A little girl
Starting point is 00:28:10 You're forever stuck This is so depressing Yeah it is It's great Yeah It's like such a bummer To hear this It is a bummer
Starting point is 00:28:18 But I think it's It is a sign That a woman is somehow Not fully developed Like look at Let's see how beautiful My voice is That a low masculine
Starting point is 00:28:28 Register That's because I'm fully formed If I was like I mean That means I'm damaged But do you really think That it's a direct correlation
Starting point is 00:28:38 To the age of the damage? It's child If you were molested As a young woman Yeah Yeah but not every girl Who's molested as a young woman Does that though
Starting point is 00:28:47 I don't know If the reverse of that Is necessarily true But it's definitely It's like a thing In psychology That they talk about And like the makeup too
Starting point is 00:28:56 When they wear that Heavy heavy makeup It's to cover up Their real face It's like You're putting on a mask And the voice is also Part of that identity
Starting point is 00:29:05 I think it's super hot Like that stuff We should emphasize That one of the people From the podcast That you're talking to Is an actual porn star So it's interesting
Starting point is 00:29:16 That she's Behind this theory Yeah and even There's a great movie About Margaret Thatcher That came out A couple years back The porn star
Starting point is 00:29:24 Margaret Thatcher Is a very famous porn star In England It's interesting Because when they're giving Her voice coaching lessons Her voice was at a higher register Right
Starting point is 00:29:33 She was more like this Than talking to people And her advisors said No, no, no You gotta have a deeper voice Because men don't want to hear You squealing like that When you're talking to parliament
Starting point is 00:29:43 Men don't want to hear That high pitched voice They associate it With their nagging mothers Their nagging wives So they actually had a teacher To go lower in her register To be more authoritative
Starting point is 00:29:52 Really? Oh yeah And there's also a thing called Fry Girls are talking like this now Like the Maria thing Yeah There's a study done
Starting point is 00:30:01 About young girls Who talk like this Oh my god, seriously Yeah, that stuff It's called Fry And like girls in this generation Why is it called Fry? Because it's like a crackle
Starting point is 00:30:13 In the whatever wavelengths Of somebody's voice Dirty and disgusting And Fry is also correlated To less power And being less authoritative So if you go up At the end of your sentences
Starting point is 00:30:27 It makes people think You don't know what you're talking about It's easy if you're a guy To know that if you meet a girl That talks like that She's definitely DTF Yeah Yeah, that's fine
Starting point is 00:30:39 Because you and I Now have been playing this game Where I point out somebody On television Or in public And I ask you Is she DTF? And now you've been
Starting point is 00:30:48 Kind of schooling me Like yes, no And I'm starting to understand What you're talking about Yeah Because I think Like the girl that's ready To suck you in a parking lot
Starting point is 00:30:57 Like she dresses a certain way She carries herself a certain way I'm starting to pick up on it There's an air of dignity, I would say But then there's also this one There's the The misleader That we haven't really
Starting point is 00:31:10 Addressed yet Huh That's the girl Who the amateur The novice The JV player Looks at and goes Oh, that's the outfit
Starting point is 00:31:23 That's a suck pig right there And it's like, no, no, no That girl's never even Done anything Huh The amateur thinks That's a way in And it's not
Starting point is 00:31:34 She's just Calling for attention But she's not down And how can you tell A girl who's just Doing that It's just, I mean I just have to
Starting point is 00:31:45 Point it out to her How does a surfer know Which way to catch It's the same kind of thing And then there's the There's her Basically her opposite Which is
Starting point is 00:31:55 The one who you go Oh, that's a conservatively dressed woman That's the one who is more misleading to people She's not a suck pig Look at her, she has a A business off and on But guys know Guys that are veterans know
Starting point is 00:32:11 From just a glance Dick for days, veterans You can give her a dick for days But we'll see I'm starting you I mean, you don't just go Hey, it's the Olympics Right, right
Starting point is 00:32:21 No, I'm training Cause it's interesting I have worked with girls In the past Now that you mention this When I worked in offices Who you think Oh, she's clearly a good girl
Starting point is 00:32:30 She probably just has cats And she totally sucks everybody In the office Sometimes that's correlated to I don't know how to say this Without being a total douchebag here But it's often correlated to So the lesser attractive women
Starting point is 00:32:48 You know what I mean Like I gotta compensate In their minds Oh, right In their minds I'm not saying they feel inferior Cause they're not the token Barbie Whatever
Starting point is 00:32:57 And then they have to overcompensate That happens sometimes That happens I remember there was a girl in college Who just let it be known That she was a suck pig She was a mouth pig And that everybody could just
Starting point is 00:33:11 Put it in her mouth if they wanted to And so did you try her out? I did not But she was a real PIG If you know what I mean There's some hoes in this house There's some hoes in this house She was doing the compensation thing
Starting point is 00:33:30 The overcompensating Yes She was not what I would like to call An attractive living person Right And I think a lot of girls in You see that a lot in high school And in college
Starting point is 00:33:44 A lot of girls will put out more If they feel like they don't have Something to offer Cause she didn't get any attention Otherwise she was like Put your dick in my mouth That's attention, right? It's sad
Starting point is 00:33:56 But it makes you laugh still It still makes me laugh Curious It's funny that you pointed that out That it's sad but it still makes me laugh What part is the funniest about that? About a damaged girl Who's father didn't give her any attention
Starting point is 00:34:12 She has to help and save for it Go ahead, let's talk about it But the funny thing was that The girl that I'm thinking of Particularly was just very, very Describer, describer She's not gonna listen to this I don't know, she definitely isn't listening to this
Starting point is 00:34:30 You know what a lot of times that girl does? That girl hangs out With the very attractive slutty girl In other words She's not gonna get invited To hang out with good girls Cause she's a bad girl That she likes dick for days
Starting point is 00:34:48 That's true And you know why the good girls Often judge the bad girls Until later in life When you go, oh, I don't give a fuck She just likes dick So the bad pig found The bad pig
Starting point is 00:35:00 The ugly pig Okay, alright I mean Can we give her some dignity? She's a damaged girl Let's have some sympathy She would hang out with the hot pig The hot pig
Starting point is 00:35:16 The hot dick pig The hot damaged Right And you see that a lot too In high school Is that like That hot slutty girl Is also not allowed to
Starting point is 00:35:32 Socialize with other girls Reject her Yes Alright So she's like Oh, I have no one And she's like Well, this dirty ugly pig
Starting point is 00:35:43 She'll be my friend Wow It's like You could put Dr. Drew out of his job Do you have a degree in psychology? You're really good at this You should counsel teenage girls You're ugly
Starting point is 00:36:01 And you're not But you guys are friends Hmm What do you guys have in common? Oh, we're both suck pigs Hmm Do you want to know something interesting though? That dynamic occurs
Starting point is 00:36:14 Hmm When men, like young girls and young boys Can go to school together No, seriously, like in a co-ed high school Yeah A lot of times the sluts do get ostracized Yes Because of the male presence
Starting point is 00:36:25 Yes So girls compete for male attention Now in my school, I went to an all girls After I got kicked out of public school Where I got into fights with black girls Hmm And I got sent to a really nice Private all girls Catholic school
Starting point is 00:36:37 And we celebrated our sluts Actually, the hierarchy changed Oh, because it was all girls Interesting Yes So what happened was The girls that were sucking it And weren't doing stuff
Starting point is 00:36:50 At least in my clique Hmm Were elevated to queen bee status Because we went What, you've done what? Tell me about it And then at lunch we'd all sit around And hear the stories
Starting point is 00:37:00 And take a knee and listen to what this girl had done So you were like the queen of the whole school Not me Not me A friend of mine was We were in 10th grade And she was dating a 21 year old Jesus
Starting point is 00:37:13 I know That guy should be arrested As we thought at that age too, actually 21 to 15 Yeah, scandals Yeah But this girl knew how to do stuff Before any of us
Starting point is 00:37:25 And so we would sit around Did she talk like that? Yeah She did? Yes No, she didn't talk like that No She had piercings
Starting point is 00:37:33 Well before any of us What? She had nipple piercings In 11th grade I remember I had a girl with nipple piercings In high school And that was crazy Yeah
Starting point is 00:37:41 It's a lot for 11th grader I think Definitely Yeah She was very advanced And I don't know what her background is We were too young for me To even realize that maybe she had been molested Or whatever the heck
Starting point is 00:37:52 I don't know Who knows Anyways Without men there It's completely different Because there was nobody To compete for That's fascinating
Starting point is 00:38:00 And you don't get shamed Without men there It's like the presence of men Shames you Because it's not the men's fault It's the women Because now the women feel competitive For the male attention
Starting point is 00:38:11 And obviously young men Who want to get off Are gonna go to the sluts, right? So that good girls Get left out They go Well fuck her Why is she getting all the male attention?
Starting point is 00:38:20 Well because she's putting it out Right? So then they all gang up On the sluts The quote unquote sluts Yeah And then the girls who are good Feel like
Starting point is 00:38:29 This stupid big And they gang up on her I think the lesson's pretty clear Be a slut Serve up that box Exactly If you want guys to really like you And see the inner you
Starting point is 00:38:41 Show them the pussy Show them the pussy Now here's how it works In our school though At the Catholic school Now the reason that hierarchy worked Is because we were rebelling There was somebody
Starting point is 00:38:53 The nuns Were the figures Against which we rebelled So it was a form of Sticking it to the Catholic man For us to talk about sex To be into drugs To be into all the bad stuff
Starting point is 00:39:06 You see how it works? So it's awesome If you guys want to hook up Go to Catholic girls So when the girls would Share their stories Would they get into like super details? Yeah
Starting point is 00:39:16 They would Because she was teaching us How to do What she knew how to do at school I put his dick in my mouth And then really And the girls were like Nah
Starting point is 00:39:26 It was more like Shock and horror Like what? And I played with his balls You played with his balls Yeah Yeah And you always put the middle finger
Starting point is 00:39:34 Up his butthole Right You're like what the Man Yeah because your friend is teaching You stuff that the nuns Ain't gonna teach you Yeah
Starting point is 00:39:42 I remember Asking details like that To guys And then being like Yeah Like guys would be like Yeah Fingered her
Starting point is 00:39:52 I'd be like So what was it like? I'd be like What do you mean? Yeah I'm just like What'd it feel like? Yeah
Starting point is 00:40:00 Tell me Yeah that's how I asked In like seventh grade Yeah of course Because my friend Mark Was um Fingering girls in seventh grade That's so early
Starting point is 00:40:09 To be finger banging I thought it was Geez People that said it wasn't But I thought it was early And I was like What's it feel like? He's like a fucking web pussy
Starting point is 00:40:17 Okay Good description kid Yeah it's like Come on man Tell me some more So romantic Yeah And stuff way earlier now
Starting point is 00:40:26 The guy in Miami that I met Said that the Miami area Like he's like Growing up in Miami Is like growing up In a fucking orgy He's like We were all sucking
Starting point is 00:40:36 In a fucking In like fifth and sixth grade Oh my god That's what he told me He said that he had sex For the first time in sixth grade And that he was like The last one of his friends
Starting point is 00:40:45 Oh my god Let me guess Latin Yes No he wasn't He was Jewish But he grew up in a very You know
Starting point is 00:40:53 Latin And not like Puerto Rican No And not like what you're imagining Which is like In the favelas Up on the other side of the house
Starting point is 00:41:01 It was like Overplaying soccer And garbage Yeah It was Not a tap dancing On pieces of tile Just lay out that cardboard
Starting point is 00:41:09 And show us your moves It was It was like A well educated He was like A well educated He was like A well educated
Starting point is 00:41:17 He was like A well educated He was like A well educated He was like He was like A well educated You know
Starting point is 00:41:25 He's like He's like Our whole culture is just Sex Sex Sex Sex Wow
Starting point is 00:41:33 He's like But sixth grade And he's like Yeah I believe that I believe too We were We were just sitting yesterday
Starting point is 00:41:41 We were sitting out In our neighborhood Kind of watching people And we were like God This L.A. is really laid back Compared to places like Miami
Starting point is 00:41:49 Where they're very Very much into Your shun there Your fucking pig Yeah Like why aren't you Wearing your high heels And why aren't you tan
Starting point is 00:41:57 And why aren't your tits Quadrupled ease It really is There it is It is a show You are not You're literally Not getting dressed for you
Starting point is 00:42:07 You're getting dressed To show everybody Look at me Look at my tits Look at my meat hangers Would you be You got tits for days You could do it
Starting point is 00:42:15 Right Would you be upset If I How would you feel If I just started Out You know it's so It's so
Starting point is 00:42:24 Foreign to you It's so the opposite Of how you operate But I think I would Just be like Wow I just It would just shock me
Starting point is 00:42:32 But would it upset you To see other Puerto Rican men Enjoying looking at my boobs Look Puerto Rican men Stare at you Whether or not Your tits are out So I'm already
Starting point is 00:42:42 Used to them looking at you Thank God Yeah But Mexicanos They're gonna look Doesn't matter where you go Or what you wear Just Puerto Rican
Starting point is 00:42:50 They're always gonna Act the same I got You know I do Want to I wish I could find that Dr. Drew There was a time when
Starting point is 00:42:58 He discussed that whole thing Talking in baby voice And he's a sign Of damaged girl Yeah Why Why I got
Starting point is 00:43:06 To ask you To ask I mean Really Dirty and disgusting That's different Maria is not molested I know
Starting point is 00:43:14 But Neither is Jane I'd like to I got I got Really So Hold on
Starting point is 00:43:24 This is great There's a tweet that came in That I know you're Super pumped about Hold on So on the last show I was We were just talking
Starting point is 00:43:35 About GPAs And schooling And look Let's face it I had been on a Percocet Binge for a week I wasn't exactly
Starting point is 00:43:43 With it A lot of times When I do this show Am I really with it? Things that are factually Inaccurate? Yeah You know why?
Starting point is 00:43:51 I'm a fucking comedian Okay I'm not a scientist I'm not a doctor Who gives a shit Right? So this guy on Twitter This is my favorite
Starting point is 00:44:00 Dearly He writes to me The correct order is Cum laude Magna Then summa And then he writes You were a tad arrogant
Starting point is 00:44:08 For being wrong So I forwarded to Tom And I'm like Oh, you're going to be happy About this Excuse me I did get it wrong And do you know why?
Starting point is 00:44:20 Because It's been a long time Since I've been in college And also because You didn't really go to college Oh, that too I went to beauty school Like my mom wanted me to
Starting point is 00:44:28 Yeah I don't remember things, guys It's been fucking 99 is when I graduated You do the math You do the math You do the math Damn
Starting point is 00:44:40 Damn What's with the breathing? So that's that? Yeah, because you know That guy put you in your place Because you tried to Shame me Right
Starting point is 00:45:07 That day That's why he did that Oh, he's standing up for you? Of course You were trying to be like You know, if you had done that You'd be magna cum laude And then you'd be summa cum laude
Starting point is 00:45:18 Wait, let me get the order I can't even remember it That's how Okay, cum laude is like 3-5 Okay That's like the baseline For honor roll Do you remember
Starting point is 00:45:27 Getting a letter in the mail? Yes Okay Congratulations You're on the honor roll Yes, I was on the honor roll Okay Magna is like 3, what?
Starting point is 00:45:37 7-5? I don't know Don't you have it in front of you? No, he didn't He didn't Listen, this is the one fault He didn't specify the GPAs for this Okay
Starting point is 00:45:46 Hmm And I want to say summa is like 4K Here's um, actually I have part of my Acceptance speech when I got my award Yeah Come on, master fucking fuck's ways Can you imagine
Starting point is 00:46:05 After getting an award for his Oh, I'd like to thank everybody Okay, here we go Ready? Yeah Graduation with honors Cum laude, a GPA 3.5 to 3.7
Starting point is 00:46:19 Magna cum laude 3.8 to 3.9 GPA for summa cum laude is 4.0 plus Now I never proclaimed to be summa That's ridiculous I think I graduated magna You graduated magna Yeah
Starting point is 00:46:35 I don't believe that Actually, I did I don't believe that Do you want to know why? Well I did really good in school That's why Here, I have um
Starting point is 00:46:45 When you got your magna cum laude It's a real good award I have your recording from that Fuck my summa I know Do you think all my teachers would be Super proud to know This is what I've used my philosophy to
Starting point is 00:46:58 Grieve for Yeah, I think they'd be really Really proud Yeah Thank you Dr. Stump And Dr. Tori for teaching me Dr. Stump, thank you very much
Starting point is 00:47:12 Uh, and also We got a great email We discussed the uh Bristol Stool Chart We certainly Most definitely did And uh, hold on I gotta find this email
Starting point is 00:47:25 Interestingly enough Right before we did the show Uh Thank you Next up Brown talk Brown talk coming up You've been warned
Starting point is 00:47:43 There you go, there's your warning Well, interesting because I Uh, before we recorded I was making a brown And it started off As a one It was very hard to come out And then eventually graduated to
Starting point is 00:47:58 A smooth five Whoa, five is Pretty far down You sure it wasn't a four? Is the four more of uh The four is more complete Smooth sausage, snake-like Yeah
Starting point is 00:48:11 Yeah, sorry This is from memory That's the one I had Smooth and snake-like That's what Oprah calls a swoosh She likes that one too Oprah says that? Yeah, Oprah a long time ago
Starting point is 00:48:23 Had Dr. Oz on I think and they were talking about What a normal bowel movement should look like And it was of course one of those things Where she was like, now ladies I know you're going to be If you don't get offended now We gotta talk about poop
Starting point is 00:48:33 Like she was totally making a big deal out of it She blacked it up She blacks it up when she talks about stuff That people are a little squeamish about Yeah And she did one of those Now you know you gotta talk about Joe Brown Before you continue on that
Starting point is 00:48:46 Speaking of blacks I need to give a huge shout out to I had the best time in Philadelphia Helium Comedy Club there Is now one of my favorite comedy clubs Really? In the country Really?
Starting point is 00:49:01 And I had the best time At that club I will definitely be back there And I want to thank all the mommies That came out all weekend long Because it was just so much fun I really had Remember how much fun I didn't have
Starting point is 00:49:19 At a club a few weeks ago? Yeah This is the opposite of that I had that much fun I was telling you every night I was calling you like I had the best time the night And it was just good time
Starting point is 00:49:28 It's nice isn't it It's refreshing Very refreshing I have a feeling my week in The Tay House is going to be like that In Cap City It's a great club You're going to have a good time
Starting point is 00:49:38 Yeah it's just a little So many things go into that You know the audience being cool Respectful The club being cool Yeah It can be a real fucking drag When it's not dude bro
Starting point is 00:49:50 Alright so Speaking of our Bristol stool chart Guess what? Somebody from Bristol In the UK Where this is born So this is from Mike Oh Mike
Starting point is 00:50:04 Mike Mike are you Do you speak with an accent? Do you say And you sir Are you waiting to receive My limp penis I get to Hogwarts
Starting point is 00:50:17 Yeah he says I am from Bristol in the UK The home of the Bristol stool chart Hello Hello Gavna I've been a long time listener Never thought I'd hear the stool chart Mentioned on your show
Starting point is 00:50:29 My girlfriend a nurse here Showed me the standard issue NHS National Health Service Bristol Stool Chart A few years back And it's been a talking point Between us And our friends for a while
Starting point is 00:50:42 I'm glad you've enjoyed it so much too Much love mommies Mike Awesome You know what that's like When you laugh at something personal For so long And you're like If only the world
Starting point is 00:50:53 Could see how stupid this is And it's kind of like that for him When like your worlds collide There's a chart like that By the way In the military When I was in the Middle East Where it's a P chart
Starting point is 00:51:05 It tells you what color your P Has to be Sure yeah In that hot of a climate And what color your P Definitely shouldn't be You want to be pretty clear You want it to be
Starting point is 00:51:14 Light yellow like our High definition glasses Actually that's too dark Yeah it's too dark If it's high definition More clear Yeah you have to be super clear Otherwise you're super dehydrated
Starting point is 00:51:27 Yeah You don't want to pee sunshine When you're out in it You don't want to pee sunshine That's really scary The only time you will You will also pee sunshine If you eat nothing but protein
Starting point is 00:51:37 Really And nothing else Yeah even if you're hydrated I don't know It's weird I got a hat right You need a hat right That's fucking weird
Starting point is 00:51:46 Gatorade I don't know why I really don't know why Well um Yeah jeans You gotta wash your balls You gotta wash your ass And if you got dick for days
Starting point is 00:51:59 You gotta show everybody Is that what we've learned today I feel like that's what we learned today Yeah I think so too By the way It's been so much fun Since we've started asking you guys
Starting point is 00:52:12 For songs You've really enlightened us I feel like you've enhanced the show Most definitely By creating songs And you know we play them a lot And sometimes We get so many things in our emails
Starting point is 00:52:26 That like Since we don't really have like a We have no staff We do all this stuff ourselves A lot of times After we you know Pull something and prep it for our show We don't remember who sent it in
Starting point is 00:52:39 So we have I always want to apologize For not being able to give you credit Um but this time I can Because this is straight from an email here Uh tech from Oak Town Oak Town Yeah
Starting point is 00:52:53 Oakland Oak Town What's up Biatch Tech He is E40's cousin He's a long time listener
Starting point is 00:53:05 He made this song for us That is Basically a tribute to Tribes Electric relaxation And um but it's momified Um He says the cover is done by Bad Bad
Starting point is 00:53:21 Not good A trio of talented guys And um His Twitter handle is Pimp Sandwich But there's no I in sandwich So it's P-I-M-P-S-A-N-D-W-C-H And here is his
Starting point is 00:53:38 Jammy Jam That's gonna take us out of the show No Alright I love it I love you I love you mommies Do you love me or the mommies
Starting point is 00:53:47 Yeah you Really I feel like it's No But I like when you say that I love you I love you too jeans Yeah You're my jeans
Starting point is 00:53:56 You're mine Bye guys We'll see you in a little bit You can be my momma You can be my momma You can be my momma And I'll be your boy You can be my momma
Starting point is 00:54:16 And I'll be your boy Relax yourself girl Please wipe down Relax yourself girl Please wipe down Relax yourself girl Please wipe down Relax yourself girl
Starting point is 00:54:26 Please wipe down Relax yourself girl Please wipe down Relax yourself girl Please wipe down Mommy check it out You got me mesmerized Looking good
Starting point is 00:54:35 And in a bitch with them Fat ass thighs Fill her up Sill her shut Every day Empty out my clip And I'll be on my way Korean barbecue
Starting point is 00:54:43 Or sushi buffet Yeah my man Tommy Bums He got something to say Christina likes a brown yellow Puerto Rican a Haitian From the Zulu nation If you in a jam
Starting point is 00:54:54 You can't hold back Don't worry Tell me where the dude's at Christina posters On my bedroom wall Got a relationship in question I'm about to call At times to grow
Starting point is 00:55:04 Or where you need to tweet You're mine Oh god Over this here beat Talking bout you Yo I'll take you out Here's a dental update I need to floss my mouth
Starting point is 00:55:13 My mind's in a frenzy In a horny state To all you cunt dogs this is what I say relax yourself girl please wipe down relax yourself girl please wipe down
Starting point is 00:55:21 relax yourself girl please wipe down relax yourself girl please wipe down relax yourself girl please wipe down 00:55:27,600 --> 00:55:28,600 girl please wipe down
Starting point is 00:55:28 00:55:28,600 --> 00:55:29,600 girl please wipe down relax yourself girl please wipe down relax yourself girl please wipe down Hey welcome to your mom's house
Starting point is 00:55:41 Look at her はなきゃ Big ups and bad bad no good on the beat Big ups and death squads I don't say all these new lockers top dog
Starting point is 00:55:52 deal hunks all the mom's everywhere Where you at? Mom's house? Oh my god I love you Here's my reward Music
Starting point is 00:56:18 Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music
Starting point is 00:56:57 Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music
Starting point is 00:57:38 Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music
Starting point is 00:58:25 Music

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