Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 152-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

You no speaky like you do before. Where you from? Ingrrand? It happens and it's real. Migraines can lead to Foreign Accent Syndrome.  It'd be soooo much better if super square white guys woke up speaking like Antonio Cromartie. The mommies go back for more sushi and get the inside scoop on the family that shames them. The jeans talk about their weekends in Long Island and Austin, plus audio of a racist porn star, Dental Updates and more!

Hyileria Tarrio He went back to Detroit airport. That is what her mother and Christina was waiting for... She has had a cold. The first 2 years of her life she had more cold. What am I doing? No. Shit.

So fucking annoying. What is? When I try to tell Blueban what to do and he ignores me. You gotta teach me how to do this stuff. I wanna do it. I feel like you need help with this stuff. Because you can't do it all the time. Yeah, that's true. It's too much for you.

You have to show me how to put the clips in so that you don't have to do it. I agree. I agree. Which computer are you using? The one you travel with to do that? Or the one that's always here? Well, they're both involved in it.

Oh. Like I play something here and I record it here. Hmm. You know what I mean? I feel like there has to be a way to streamline that so you're not spending hours doing this. We can do this in hotel rooms and shit. Like uploading the clip.

Well, we're talking to our audience right now. Why don't we ask them? Well, okay. Seriously? What's the question properly formulated? Because I'm not sure what to ask. I think what we need to ask is... Okay, so when we do our audio clips that you hear,

we play it on one computer and we edit it on another, right? You have your source and you have your edit. I guess what we're trying to figure out is can you do all that stuff on one computer? Right. Like, we're not technical.

We just figured out how to do things along the way. So if anybody listening knows how to use one computer to strip and edit audio, will you let us know? Yeah. Please, I'm saying. Yeah, because it's silly.

You spend so much time doing these clips. Yeah, no. You're totally right. We're only home for a finite amount of time. I would love to save time doing this. I feel bad that you have to fucking upload on. Anyways. Oh, thanks, guys, for the iPhone fix.

Yeah. A lot of people tweeted to me and emailed about the fix for my iPhone and it's tremendous. It's really cool. But I want a fucking new one. I feel like they gypsyed me, you know? All right, let's do dates.

Guys, this week, September 12th through 14th, I'm in Toronto, Canada, the underground comedy club, Toronto, and then a huge run with the jeans. September 27th, it's going to be a Death Squad Super Show, Tom Segura,

Brian Redban, Tony Hinch, Cliff and myself in Columbus, Ohio, September 27th, September 29th, Tom Segura and I are at the start home in Birmingham, Alabama. September 30th, Tom Segura and I in Zanies

in Nashville, Tennessee. October 2nd. October 1st. What's October 1st? Oh, the other one. Atlanta. Ah, shit, man. I didn't put this on my freaking calendar.

October 1st, Atlanta GA, the punchline. Punchline. It's a great club. And then October 2nd, we go to Charlotte, North Carolina. Look, we need to tell this. This is very important. This is just based on

you guys. That's why they put this run together. So we're just telling you, we need your help. We need your support. If you are in Charlotte, Atlanta, Nashville or Birmingham or Columbus and you want to come and see us,

we'd love to see you, but please bring friends. Get your friends to come and be like, hey, this is going to be a really fun time. It's going to be a great show because we need your support. So we're asking you, please come out,

please bring friends. Let's make it a fun show. You know what I'm saying? Bring friends. Bring your mother. Go have an early dinner with your mom and then bring her to the show. There you go.

Make your mother involved in more than one way. Yeah. Someone did that this past week in Austin. He's like, I hung out with my mom and then I brought her to your show. Perfect. You know what I'm saying?

And then October 6th, Tommy and I do Cobb's comedy club. This is pretty crazy. In San Francisco, California. It's pretty crazy though. It's cray. It's like we're doing the podcast live. And then stand up.

Stand ups. Yeah. There's a lot of mommies in Northern California. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? I think it's perfect. And then October 9th through 12th,

I will be at the Syracuse Funny Bone in Syracuse, New York. It's a lot. It's a lot coming out for us, James. What about you, Farts? Oh, follow us on Twitter at Christina P. at Tom Segura. Just please don't come any far.

It's okay. Just let's get that out of the way. Can I call you Burps? No, please. How about clogs the toilet because somebody did this morning? This week, I'm in Fort Lauderdale in my adopted home state.

I'm at the Improv at the Seminole Hard Rock. Fort Lauderdale, Hollywood, Florida, if you will. Of course, that phenomenal run with the jeans machine. And then I go to comics at Foxworks Comedy Club and Casino October 10th through 12th.

So there you go. There you go, jeans. That's a lot. There's a lot going on. There's a lot going on. I think once you go there, they're going to have to call it Fart Lauderdale.

That is the best thing. Wow, what a thing to do. That is the dumbest thing. Get it? No, I got it. I put it together. Oh, man. So, let's see.

Where is this for you? You ready to get things going here? Yes. Let's start the show, jeans. Let's do this, you know what I'm saying? I have not actually heard my voice in the conversation for nearly three years now.

This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. No mom in the fucking stand! Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura.

Christina Pajitzi. Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. Oh, oh, oh, oh, hello, hello, everybody. Thank you so much. Hello, Christina. Hello, Tom. You like fried rice?

Shrimp dumplings? Pork dumplings? I have not heard my own voice. I have not actually heard my voice in the conversation for nearly three years now. Four years now? Four years now. This is unbelievable audio.

I'm so excited that we have it. And I am so sad that I can't credit the man that sent it to us because they did and I can't remember. I'm sorry. Whoever you are, you know who you are. Thank you so much. So this is a ridiculous story.

And before you just think we're mocking Asian people, which we know we're not against doing that. Come on. But we're not doing that exactly at this moment. We don't make fun of Chinese. Yeah, you know. You ever been to dim sum? I'm going to push the cards around and they go.

Shrimp dumplings. You mean shrimp dumplings? Shrimp dumplings. Pork dumplings. Steak buns. But the reason that we played that is that we were sent, like I said, this amazing audio of a woman who apparently has something called

foreign accent syndrome. There are over 100 cases of this worldwide and they almost always accompany some type of head trauma, migraines or head injuries. And then people wake up with a foreign accent that they just can't shake. But like they don't have any. They have no history with that language.

It's just, it's bizarre to me, right? I don't know. I know they call it a syndrome, which would imply that there's enough people on the planet that this has happened to. It's absurd. But the woman that this has happened to is... Here they are.

They are Captain Sum Ting Wong, We Too Low, Holi Fook and Bang Ding Al. Oh. You got that, right? Oh. But this lady who this happened to is English. It's crazy. Let's get into the story.

Here's the actual story from the lady. Sarah has spent most of her life in Plymouth and had the accent to match until recently. So dish and chips. Chips. I said that white? Yeah. I said that white.

Three and a half years ago, she was rushed into hospital with a migraine, which left her with a voice she didn't recognise. I have not actually heard my voice in conversation for nearly three years now. Her initial response upon hearing how she used to sound from a bank telephone recording... Good afternoon.

Thank you for calling me. ...was too long for her old accent to return. Yeah. So here she is. She's going to hear herself here. Her former self. Her former self in an old recorded voicemail or a recorded conversation that she had,

that she has on CD-ROM that she can listen to. Oh, how sad. I'm not actually ringing about my policy though. I'm ringing for a quote. Do you know what my policy number is? I know it's me. But I feel like I want to say, oh, she makes a good speak.

She speaks a good. Wait, wait, wait. Yeah. Now... How do you lose your grammar abilities? Exactly. So she doesn't just have a Chinese accent, but she speaks in broken, chopped up,

like, you know what I mean? Like where you wouldn't have the history of speaking English. It's not just a Chinese accent. It's my first week in America. Right. And I'm learning English. She speaks a good English. Yeah.

I speak a good here. I don't know good there. Yeah. She's not saying like, I hear her voice and I think, I wish I had my old voice back. Right. She's like,

I speak a good English. Like, that's... This is ridiculous. Right. Me talk a good at do-go-do. Oh, this is a money pie phone sketch that we're watching right now. Like, is this...

Come on. Eh. Eh. But like that, not me no more. That pie, that foreign pie. Yeah. Yeah. It's been diagnosed.

Yeah. Eh. Speak a good. Speak a good. Yeah. But like that, not me no more. That not me no more. This one picture,

you can see all the fuss. It's a mess. Sarah has been diagnosed with foreign accent syndrome. Yeah. The condition has only 150 known cases worldwide. Although it's called foreign accent syndrome, it's literally a speech impediment.

There's nothing foreign about it. But then... But that's her. There's nothing foreign. About it. About her. About it. Yeah.

Like... There's nothing foreign about it. How does it... I mean... About how I talk funny. Come on. It like, it dipped away. We talked about this.

Right. It fades and her grammar comes back and then leaves her. Right. When she becomes Chinese, she's turning Chinese. A speech impediment. There's nothing foreign about it.

You know, obviously I don't have a Chinese accent. I've never been to China. You have to spend a considerable amount of time in China to pick up the accent. So it's impossible. Deep mud, tough nut, night bus. Although she doesn't know why this... What?

The fuck? Mud. Oh, she was... She's with a doctor. She's with a speech doctor, a therapist. And so she's trying to get her real accent back. Night bus. Although she doesn't know why this has happened,

months of speech therapy with specialist Martin Duckworth at Marjons in Plymouth have provided some insights. I actually feel quite comfortable with my speech now. We can't give you any definitive answers about exactly what's happened, which is why we're following Sarah's journey. But some small changes happened within her brain and they've had an impact on the way she organizes

her speech output. I'm done. I've finished. No point finding. No one... Then why did she say I'm finished? No, I finished. Yeah.

Me done. Me stopping now. Yeah. No more. No more time. No more sushi for you. No time. You eat too much.

You eat too much. You're like a hot girl down there. You're so fat. No, the... How about a spicy noodle? Yeah, I'm so fat. You're eating too much. So it's all clear.

Sarah has learned how to live with her new voice. It took a long time to actually accept that... What? I was the problem for me. Yeah. That's a British lady. Yeah. It took a long time to accept I was the problem for me.

I mean, now I'm talking funny now. She just had it and then she just let it go. You know what it reminds me of? There used to be a radio DJ in Los Angeles called Richard Blyde and he would drop like a fake English accent too. Like he colors a colon and go, y'all the winner. I mean, way not.

Like he would drop it in and out. Maybe she's doing it for attention. You get that for attention. I'm starting to think. You get that sometimes with people from an area that leave it and they drop the accent. But then if they spend time in that... Yes.

That's not this. But no, but I'm saying it's the comparison I'm saying is, you know... She's such a... I was the problem for me. I was the one making me feel bad. Why? I was the problem for me. I was the problem for me.

I was the one making me feel bad. I was the problem for me. But that didn't sound that Chinese to me. You know? I'm not American. I feel bad. I mean, listen to this. Finding no answers or cure.

Sarah has learned how to live with a new voice. It took a long time to actually accept that I was the problem for me. I was the one making me feel bad. That sounded kind of British, right? It sounded half and half. Yeah. Fearing bad. But how about when in the beginning, why is this one so bad?

I have not actually heard my voice in conversation for nearly four years now. I have not heard my voice in conversation for nearly four years now. I don't know how she goes back and forth. Maybe, but maybe that's how her brain is like rewiring itself. So she just had a headache one day and then she woke up Chinese? Yes. That's what they're claiming. Yes.

Foreign language syndrome. It's the dumbest name. See, they should call it like language dysplasia or something more. Foreign language syndrome just sounds like some bullshit. Fake. Of course. Fake. And they showed a lady meeting Sarah.

I didn't have audio of it. Who has foreign action syndrome. Who's French. No. That's the accent she has. She does not speak French, but she does. So, Chinese lady. I feel your pain because...

I don't know how to say it. Very good. French thing. You have a Chinese accent. I have a French accent. We both struggle with this problem. You're like a creep. They like attention.

I think so too. I think sometimes you've woken up with black voice syndrome. That's so rude. Do you ever think you might have that? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? There's no... That's not true because in how come there's nobody with black voice syndrome?

I mean... That's a bullshit right there. It's so funny. Let me... I'll let you say goodbye. But it's a little kid. Wouldn't it be great if like some five-year-old kid wakes up in the suburbs? Some white kid?

You know what I'm saying, mom? Give me some motherfucking oatmeal in this bitch. I think it'd be even funnier if it was just a white... A woman? No, a white grown adult man, like with a corporate job. I woke up. I'm wearing these motherfucking khakis and shit. I got a sale, my fucker.

And he has the speech therapist? He's like, he has just a very black way of doing things. And then, you know what I'm saying? And you know, and he said meetings and he's always like... This bitch came out of my... I told my bitch, I said, I don't have an opportunity, that's the box, you know what I'm saying? What if he's like, okay, okay.

Yeah, the TPS report here, motherfucker, right here, it shows. You know what I'm saying? Profits and shit. You know, you know, you know. You know what I'm saying? He's super black. He's a CEO, he's like... Hi everybody.

And the whole court, the board is like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He has a whole different approach now to all of this. Right, like what if Steve Jobs had woken up one day and he talks in a funny black voice instead? That would be the best. You know, it's like a TV screen, you can swipe it with your hands. Okay Steve, we'll get on that, anything else? You know, I never had a job in my life, you know what I'm saying?

I never had a job before in my life. That would be a great movie premise, we should write this film. It's the white corporate guy who wakes up. Foreign accent syndrome. With black accent, it would be so funny. And nobody can question him or his authority. Because they're like, well, he's a syndrome. And he's like, fuck you motherfucking, he's totally irate.

Y'all can suck my dick. Alright, alright, alright. Or cholo voice syndrome, it's a whole thing. Cholo voice syndrome. Uh, uh, uh. Yeah, this is just... It's too much fun, the possibilities. Anglicent shall I fight?

Those are those little girls that get caught, remember by their mom? But their accent's crazy. I just pulled it out because it has an accent on it. Anglicent shall I fight? Shall I... Or... It's so interesting.

So I've got another, uh, for Friday's episode, a clip of two Scottish people talking on, like, a Jerry Springer show over there. Oh, yeah. It's unintelligible. It's completely unintelligible. Whoa. Scottish is very difficult.

Oh, by the way, speaking of that stuff... Okay. You should see by... By the time you hear this episode, because it got approved, the third bonus episode should be up. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

So... That's great. That'll be on iTunes and CD Baby. Okay. It has a live from Houston on there. That's fun. Our Houston show. What a fun show.

And it also has you and I breaking down my confrontations from Phoenix. Man, not a crazy piece of audio that was. It's nuts, right? That chick is... Yeah, so I got myself... An animal. ...losing my shit on somebody for you guys.

That's fun. Yeah, really fun. It's very special and rare to be able to capture that on tape, you know? Oh, yeah. You don't usually get that. Usually those moments kind of come and go and nobody's recording it,

so really neat that you have that piece of hate. Yeah, and it gets... I mean, it's heated, so I think you guys will really like it. I mean, it's a heated exchange. Oh, yeah. And I get very, very angry. You know what I'm saying?

And it's right there for you. You know what I'm saying? Is it that great? I've never had a shot in my life. Look. I could listen to that dude say that shit a hundred thousand times. I ain't never had a job before in my life

until I started working for SIL. You know, in and out of jail. You know what I'm saying? Did a little bit of everything. You know what I'm saying? Nah, I'm... You know what I'm saying? That's...

He doesn't say anything. He even stops himself from it, you know what I'm saying? He goes, I don't... You know, before I worked for SIL, I... I...

J... He wanted to throw an extra, you know what I'm saying in there? It's so good. I actually... I'm going to drop... I have to grab this call. Okay, go ahead.

So let's take a pause. Okay, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? I'll be right back. You know what I'm saying? All right. So we're back. Sorry.

I had to take a... A pause. A little break there to do a call for my other podcast. Because I'm a podcasting machine. And we're going to go to a podcast together tonight. And then another podcast tomorrow. And then next week,

I do our podcast plus two other podcasts. But I jumped off to talk to my buddy, our buddy, Finesse Mitchell, who some people might not know, played football at University of Miami. So he did a call for... charge it to the game,

my football podcast. How much do... I love Finesse Mitchell so much. He's great. He's so funny. He actually helped me write that I have a bit about fighting with black girls. Yeah.

I was kind of nervous to do it in South Africa. Yeah. For obvious reasons, right? Little tension, racial tension in that part of the world. And I remember I did it the bit for the first time there. And I went backstage and Finesse, I looked at his face and I was like,

oh my God, please, like you don't know if you're going to offend people. Right. Yeah. You don't know them because you don't know them yet. I don't know him well enough. And he was like, that shit was so funny.

But here's what you need to add. And he gave me like a couple of lines. And he gave me like, this is how black girls fight. And I was like, this shit's amazing. And I was, I'm thankful that he helped me with it.

Yeah. Write that bit. Sweet guy. He told me what he told me. And funny as shit. He goes, Tom, do you think people want to hear about how they all have AIDS when you're here?

Because you used to open your great opener, which was legendary in my mind. Well, he would, he would, oh, my opener, but I'm saying he would open the show. He's the first guy they saw. Yeah.

Yeah. But then you would come out there and we all thought it was just the funniest thing ever. And you open the very first sentence is, who here doesn't have AIDS? Yeah. Yeah. And the crowd actually would be like,

I don't have AIDS. And you're like, no. I know. I just, I just remember when I was, he was talking to somebody else about, somebody was doing a bit that wasn't working. He was like,

yeah, you know, I mean, maybe you should think about a different angle on it. And, you know, because these people are here to have a good time. And he was saying like, I'd like people having a good time at my show,

like the whole concept of just, you're having fun at the show. And then he was like to me, he was like, like, do you think people have fun when they hear who here doesn't have AIDS? And it just made me laugh more to hear him say it. So funny.

He was like a, he was like his dad, like a dad shaking his head at you. He was like, come on, nobody wants to hear about AIDS. People don't want to hear about AIDS, Tom. They live here.

So funny. They live here, exactly. Yeah. But he is great. And yeah, he was, he played football.

He played football and he went to, the most competitive place to play college football in that era, which was Miami in the early nineties. So he was, he was playing behind guys who play, ended up being NFL players. Bananas.

He could have transferred to like a smaller, less prestigious, at least in the football sense school and played more, but he decided to stay there because he loved being there. And so we just talked about Miami had a huge game, a huge win over the weekend.

We talked about that, some other stuff. Check out the podcast. Yeah. I saw that game. I was watching it. Yeah. Yeah.

I love, I mean, you're going to be a guest on a lot of the Charlie. It's live tweeting. Yeah. Yeah. So, was it the Puerto Ricans versus the white guys?

That's the, that's the game. That's how it goes. Wow. Charge of the game. Episode three is out. So make sure you check that out. How do you say,

charge it to the game? Charge it to the game. Charge it to the game. Would that be your movie premise voice or our movie? Sorry that we're going to go right now. We're going, we're going, we're going to try this again.

What do we call this movie? Like it's like a white guy in khakis and then he wakes up and he has the foreign boy syndrome. He's the most square, yeah, whitest guy. Cracker guy. His khakis,

what he wears them high. Yeah. He tucks in t-shirts. Brown braided belt. Brown braided belt. Moccasins. Coats. Belt.

Halster. Very clean haircut. And. Hmm. Hmm. He goes, these numbers don't make sense. You guys.

And then when he wakes up, you look. Which accent would you like to have? Wait, hold on, but back to just, I'll tell you, but then I like it because it's like a commentary also on how

racist America is. Like, even though he's not a black guy, just that he talks like one is so upsetting to white America. Right. Oh, absolutely. I really was richer prior.

We're still alive. And then he could do it if he weren't sick. If you were younger, richer prior. Wait a minute. He could play the part. Sorry. He could do the voice maybe. That'd be fun if we dubbed it over.

Yeah. You just need a white guy to play the part. To talk like a black guy. Yeah. I could play the part. You could play. Oh, yeah.

Why don't we write this for you? My starring vehicle. Can you imagine pitch meetings for this? Like we're sitting with like the head of Paramount. He's like, so what I've been hearing. What is it? So I really white guy and I do white things and I run a business.

And then I wake up one day and I'm like, Hey, bitch, y'all can suck my dick. That'd be funny. And then everybody you sleep with catches it like me. I'm like a famous newscaster. Yes. I'm like a Barbara Walters. But then I wake up with foreign accent syndrome. Right.

But maybe not a black voice. Oh, yeah. Maybe, um, what should my voice be? I don't want to do Chinese. That's, that's, maybe I'm German. Maybe you have this kind of accent. A succulent Chinese male. Oh, that would be the best.

Just having a male. A succulent Chinese male. Get your hand off my penis. You know what that voice is? Righteous indignation. That's the name of that accent. We learned how crazy this guy is. He's crazy.

He's crazy. And you sir, are you waiting to receive my limp penis? He's Hungarian. I know. That's so crazy. He's Hungarian. He's a swindler. And a surprise.

As hungos are. You hungos totally are. I know, I know. It runs in the family. A succulent Chinese male. I had my penis. My penis. Speaking of a succulent Asian male.

We went back to the sushi bar last night. Yeah. What is this that you said? Well, here's you eating. What is this? Well, this is interesting because I remember you. I mean, you told us last week how you went to eat alone. Did you tell the story on this podcast or not?

I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember. But she, I don't think he told the story. So you went in alone and our waitress was there. The bitch tits. Yeah. And she was kind of crappy to you.

Yeah. And yeah, she was kind of. She said like, oh, this is what she said. She goes, oh, you hear alone. And I was like, yeah, because I'm standing alone. Oh, I go, what? What? She goes, you normally have your girlfriend with you.

We are. I said, it's weird. She said weird. Yeah. I go, it's weird. She goes, yeah. And I go, she's gone. And she was like, oh, I think she, she understood.

She's dead. Oh. Or I dumped you. Yeah. Or like, yeah, I'm alone forever now. But I think I, because what I meant was like, she's just out of town. What a fucking piece of shit. You won't, you won't eat some of these fishies.

Did she judge you for how much you ordered when you were alone too? Yes. Of course she did. Cause what she does, she does it now and tries to be a little more like, oh, like when I fill out the thing, one of these, one albacore, one halibut, like that. I give it to her and she'll go, oh, like she'll glance that kind of razor eyebrows, like you want all of these. Yeah.

Yeah. Pig pig. Yeah. And then what I do is I point out, I hand write other things that there's no box for. So I'll be like, oh, I want yellowtail sashimi. I'll write that out. And I go, oh, and this cause she'll be like, oh, I see you want these six pieces of sushi. Yeah.

Yeah. But also this. Oh, and then I, and then what I do is I used to look at her cause I thought she was nicer and I used to look at her like, yeah, and that's when she would give her opinion. So what I do is I just break it off. I go, yeah, that's it. And then I turn to like my phone. Good for you.

Yeah. Like I'm not waiting for your commentary or for her approval or for her disapproval. Well, it's funny because I actually got some audio. I got my hands on audio of you, uh, during that meal during that meal or our meal yesterday. No, not our meal. This is your meal alone. How did you get that? It's just, it's people send me stuff and somebody recorded you eating alone.

And I think this might be why. Okay. Well, Christina said maybe a little crummy to you. It might be a reason why this woman judges you. Just the people know Christina sent me this and she said, don't, she goes, I got this audio of you. You eating. I haven't listened to it.

This is supposed to be me eating. Okay. Okay. Here we go. Just listen. Let's see what it is. I know how happy that makes you this time. It's not funny.

Hey, but how come your collar was hitting, it sounds like your collar was hitting the sushi plate. How did you get? I know how happy that makes you. I got you. You recorded Theo eating out of his bowl. And that's supposed to be me eating like a dog. That's exactly what you sound like.

This is so you. Ready? I swear to God, this is what you sound like when you eat without the jingles. That is so rude. This is rude as shit. That's how you sound. It's rude. And then when you poo you go.

There you go. And that might be why. I hope, I hope you're proud of yourself. That was just me eating. I haven't not. That's how the come dog eats too. Come dogs do eat like that. But interesting.

So last night we were at this snusci bar and enjoying a succulent Chinese meal. And the waiter was super nice. He was uncharacteristically polite. And I, because he was polite, I still wanted, I felt like he was also honest. He was, he was kind of, he understood that that lady was loud. Our kid was loud. That's why I asked him, do we order a, an incredibly disgusting amount of food? Just to get his opinion on it.

A third party. Maybe neutral. We didn't tell him. No history. Yeah. We didn't give him any history. Yeah. What do you say?

He went, no, not at all. He goes, uh, actually yesterday I had a woman alone here who ordered five rolls, rolls, five, right. And five orders of sushi. So how many of that and four beers and four beers. Yes. And I, and I go, was she really large? And she, he's like, no, she was small, which means this price.

She's on like a binge, like a crazy binge purge, but that's banana. So there are people ordering way more. So I don't know why she was judgy with us initially. That doesn't make sense. Yeah. Crazy. She's just got her own. And then, you know what?

The other lady, her mom, so it's a family run operation. I don't know if you heard this. So we moved tables because there was a woman allowing her child to watch her iPhone at full volume. Like this is a new trend apparently. Parents are allowing their children to use the iPad, watch the iPhone at full volume. So I have to hear this kid's fucking stupid show. I'm losing my mind.

That shit is, by the way, if you're a parent, I know, I understand. I should say I know cause I'm not a parent. I understand that it can be incredibly taxing and draining. And you got to find things to keep your kid entertained. And it just wears, I get it. Like the stress. I totally understand. Yeah.

And we all try to empathize with people that are going, but like when you're in a restaurant and enclosed small space and you tell your kid to play the video game or watch his show on an iPad or a phone at full volume. It's crazy. I've been on planes. It's so rude. Where the person's like, they're like, play your game. And they're like, yeah, I have to hear that shit.

It's so rude. And if you're going to let your kid watch or read or whatever on the, on the iPhone, not read, but watch something or video games, make them wear the earbuds. That's so easy. That's all you have to do. Play it full volume with your headphones on. Yeah. Make your kid deaf.

I don't care. I gotta fuck up my meal. My succulent Chinese meal. My succulent Chinese meal. That's all I'm trying to have is my, with my husband, who I haven't seen all week. We're both exhausted. We just got off planes. We're just trying to have one decent fucking meal the whole week.

And I got to hear this ding, ding, ding, ding noises. The point of story is I, I said, I can't fucking take it. Yeah. So we move into the second room where there's nobody and we had already, I had poured soy sauce into both of our tiny dishes. And so, but I didn't think to carry them. I'm like, Oh, they'll probably bring it to staff. Well, yeah.

Cause we have our hands full with other things. So we come to the new table and then that older broad comes over. And first of all, she's dressed like a fucking creepy Barbie doll. Like she's, she's one of those Asian ladies that bleaches her hair blonde. The older lady. Yeah. Yeah. And it was in ringlets, like creepy, cuppy dolly, like ringlets.

And then she, she brings over our soy sauce. These are yours. I go, yeah, they're ours. It's so much. There's a lot of soy sauce in here. I don't go far. I, I pay for the soy sauce. I can pour it on my tits if I want to.

Of course. You got tits for days. Right. On my hangers. Yeah. On my dirty hangers. What do you fucking care? By the way, we went through that soy sauce and put more soy sauce.

That's what's up. We did as much soy sauce as I wanted. Let's hear you eating again. Oh, babe. Come on, man. This is you last night. Let's hear it. That's not cool.

You sound just like Theo. That's so rude. It's not me. Do you know that even hearing that warms my heart for him? Isn't he the best? Because he's like a little cute little thing. He's like a stuffed animal that even hearing him do that, I'm like, oh, little people. It's weird that your chain, your necklace hits against your wall.

That's so fucking disgustingly rude. So rude. Well, that's truth that you can't handle truth. Yeah. All right. Whatever. So much of soy sauce. Oh, judge.

The problem is they're a crummy ass family. They're mean. And by the way, when we walked in, the chefs gave us a stank eye like you wouldn't fucking bully. Yeah. He looked just like you're here. The fat Americans are here. Yeah.

I don't even know if it's that now because clearly we're not ordering the most. I think maybe they just don't like us. I don't think they like round eye. They don't like us. Guailo is not welcome. No. They're shitty. They're kind of mean.

They usually do the thing when you go in the city where they go, arigata, gata, gata. They don't even do that. What I'd like to tell them is I have not actually heard my voice in conversation for nearly three years now. That's what I'd like to hear. I cannot believe it affects her grammar, too. That's just bananas. And then, yes, I have not heard my voice in conversation and I realized that it's all

my fault. I put it on myself and I just need to work and I'll speak. She turns into the Geico. Yeah. Geico. She's a... Oh, by the way, a big shout out. I mean, we didn't even talk about...

We didn't talk about it. We didn't talk about it. I'm assuming you're going to talk about your week. Yeah. Yeah. I wanted to say a big shout out to Strong Island, everybody that came to our shows, especially the mommies, and I realized that a lot of our jeans-wearers are people that actually live in the city and they made the trek all the way out there.

Some of them drove hours. Big shout out to Tom Cornell. We went to high school together. He came to my shows. I had a great time at this total fucking mob run club in Long Island. I don't think you're supposed to say it. Huh? And they had a serial killer drive me home, Greg.

He goes to all the shows and this guy was so weird. He had that sweet demeanor where you're like, oh, it's this sweet guy. And then you're like, or maybe he's the cutting up hookers and burying them at the beach. Yup. That's a lot of them. He was one of these socially... He reminds me of one of our friends where I'd go, so how do you live in here? And he would go, compared to what?

Okay. To anywhere that you could live. It's a stupid question to ask where I can. Right? So how much more intuitive could the question be? How do you like living here? How do you like living here? Compared to what?

It's antagonistic for him to go compared to what? Right. And I go to anywhere. He goes... Fucking idiot. All right, I guess. And I was like, okay. Thank you.

Then he brought up one of his friends. He was like, yeah, you know, I liked whatever, going to school in Albany and I met a really good friend there. We're good friends. And I was like, how often do you guys talk? And he goes, I don't know. And I go, well, but like how often? Well, sometimes we might talk a lot, but then sometimes we might not talk at all for a while.

And I was like, all right, this is a good friend. So what is it usually? It varies. Maybe sometimes we'll talk, but sometimes we won't. I was like, all right. Children often. But he was real sweet. He would give me water to take with me.

He was like, I use some water. He brought me coffee one night. He was a sweet guy. But like I said, you kind of go, what a nice guy. I wonder if he's going to slit my throat when I'm turned around. You know? Oh yeah. So I bought him dinner and I was like, look, man, this is a good meal.

Enjoy it. Don't kill me. Did it work? I mean, I'm still alive. I don't know. He might have killed somebody else. You should see the guy that like owns this club. He is John Gotti.

I mean, he's straight out of the fucking movies. He's in there in a suit, like a $2,000 Breone suit. His manicure, his nails are so buffed, you can see your reflection in his nails when he's talking. He's got like pinky rings on. He's like, everybody take care of your thing, all right. Yeah. My sons were good to you.

Like these are your sons. It's like, yeah, these are my sons. That was, it sounds like dice. He's like, oh, Tommy, fuck at it. No, but these guys were hickory, dickory, duck. They were great. And I love family run clubs. I love family.

It's the best. So yeah, you got one son behind the bar, another son running the floor. His daughter's doing it. I mean, like, it's just, it's a way better atmosphere to work at a family run club. Comics at Foxwood's casino and bar is run by a family. Also, really? Yeah. And by the way, the club I'm talking about, just to give it credit, is McGuire's and

Long Island. They also have governors and the brokerage. Oh, good names for clubs. Yeah. They're not cheesy. All Long Island clubs. And the comics out there, I mean, I just really like everybody out there. Tim Gage, I had on my shows, really fun.

He wore those fucking shoes, the toe shoes, the fucking shoe that you put on and it's for running. What are they called? The glove? You know what I'm talking about? I think they're called, I'm Annoying. I see him and I'm like, what the fuck are you wearing? And he's like, I thought the show was at 730, so I went on a run and I just had these on.

I got to put, I got to change, I didn't have time. I don't think that was really helping for running. What I'm amazed with is that Tim is such a pro, he can do it and at least people I don't think were distracted by his ridiculous footwear. Yeah. He was able to get through it. Like if I had that on, I wouldn't even be able to perform because I'd be so consumed with the fact that I'm wearing them.

Yeah. I know you mean I wear the wrong flats and I'm like, are these two, are these two girly for the show? Like you came and talk. You're not in, you're not yourself when you're not dressed the same way you normally would. Unbelievable. Well, that's good. I had a crazy, I had a good week, not a crazy one, but a good week in Austin, clubs, great

cap city. Yeah. I got to meet so many mommies. I had, you know, in worlds collide and you meet the people that you know on Twitter only from Twitter. Like there's a handful that I've met over the years that I'm so happy to meet them. OCD is fun. Is he done?

Yes. So I finally got to meet OCD is fun. He came to two shows and chart stories. Wow. That's right. Yeah. Two huge Twitter dudes came and OCD is fun, gave gifts. And also the cheese people came who I cannot remember the name of.

Adorable couple. Right. And she works at the cheese shop, I think. Fucking had them write it down on Twitter. Yeah. Super sweet. Brought us cheese. Amazing.

Which we had last night. So thank you guys so much. Amazing. Yeah. I forgot to thank on our show, I think last week, gone postal I met in Philly and she brought a FIFO, a dog toy in there. So thank you. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm excited Toronto. There's a lot of people. That is who and that is a lot, a lot of denim. Lot of denim there. Yeah. I can't wait. I'm excited to go to Toronto.

We did a podcast with those guys. I did a podcast. It's very exciting. I'm kind of nervous honestly to do my set because I don't smoke pot ever when I do stand up. Yeah. And I'm afraid of getting a contact high. You, you and I have both said that.

You absolutely will. But it becomes way easier the second show. Okay. The first show, I'll give you the advice that Ari gave me. Bring a set list. Yeah. That's what they told me that you guys said too. Yeah.

I'm excited. But Austin was great. I had some great pulled park sandwiches. I didn't go out a lot because it was so fucking hot. I mean, I can't even walk the dog when it's that hot because he can't do it. He's got a fur coat on. I know. I couldn't do it.

It was good. A lot of mommies, good shows, great tastes, two great tastes that go great together. You did another podcast when you were down there too. The Toronto one. That's what I was saying. No. You did a local. You did a one.

All those guys. I know who's guys is the name. I can't remember right now. Good plug. I'm so tired. No, I know. I've done it before too. Dale, it's Dale and Matt Bearden's a comic on there.

They have a morning show, but they also do a podcast. We talked about ExtremeRestraints.com, which was sent to us by some listeners. We looked at ball gags and shit was pretty silly. That's fun. Should we talk about this audio that we got sent also? This listener, his name is Neil Bishop sent this audio of this woman who was going to shoot a porno and she's racist, I guess. What a shocker.

Yeah. She's a crack whore, second dick for money, as they often do. The guy filming her is one of these guys that likes to talk to them before they shoot. Yeah, right. I guess it's the genre of porn where it's not enough for the poor girl has to suck you. You have to humiliate her, get her to say stupid shit on camera, and then it's forever on the internet. She has no idea.

When she finally does sober up in a few years, if she does, she's like, oh my God. This is her pre-suck it interview on a porn site, and this poor girl is whacked out of her skull. Yeah, she's fucked up. Thanks, Neil, for this gem. You're a black guy? You're a black guy? I'm a black man.

Why? Because they're ugly. In what way? I don't know. They're just ugly. I don't like them. I can't get off when I have sex with them. See, you had sex with black guys.

You just didn't enjoy it. Yeah. The way they treated you? No, because they made me have sex with them because they thought they didn't understand why they were colored and shit. They didn't understand what? Why they were colored. He's like, what?

It's such a dumb. What do you mean? Wait, are you trying to say that the girl on crack who's sucking dick for crack money isn't all there? They didn't understand why they were colored. It's crazy. Why are they colored? I couldn't tell you.

I don't know. I mean, most black men know they're colored because they come from Africa. That's not why they're colored. Yeah, his logic doesn't kind of work either. Most black men know they're black because they're from Africa. That's not why you're colored. It's pigmentation in the skin. Right.

It's the level of... What is it? Melanin? Melanin, pigment. Melanin. Is that the right word? Melatonin. Melatonin?

Is that how you say it? Melignancy. Melanin, pigmentation. Melanin. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah. Melanin is skin color melanin.

Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Thank you. 10th grade biology. Right. So the higher level you have, the darker your skin and basically your skin can then tolerate more sun. Yeah.

You know? If you have less of it, your skin is not as strong in the sun and this is all just evolution basically. Yeah. You don't go... I know they're black because they're from Africa. Well look, come on. These two rocket scientists.

I know. I'm just saying. Together. It's funny. Not really. Then why are they black? I don't know. I couldn't tell you.

Why are you white? I'm not white. I'm Spanish. I've been institutionalized. I couldn't tell you that. That's a yes. Right? When you...

Yeah. Usually the answer is... You ever been to jail? Nope. Why don't you say I couldn't tell you? I couldn't tell you. Why can't you tell me that? When are we going to get the video done?

We'll do it in the video. I know, but I have somewhere where I have to go. This is the video right now. This is the interview part of the video. I have somewhere where I have to go. You're not even paying me. You're just sitting here talking more shit. I'm not even fucking paying attention to you.

Do you speak English? Yes. Man, this is what you get into if you do... If you're in this world, this is what you have to deal with. Dude, this is the interview. I'm not even paying attention to you or the fucking situation. Do you speak English yet or do you not? I've been speaking English the entire time.

Fuck this shit. Don't talk to me in any fucking silent words either, okay? What? Don't talk to me in any silent words. What are silent words? Did you hear that? Yeah. I'm speaking with my eyes.

Wait, how did you do that? No, don't say that. No. How dare you say that? See? See how hurtful that was? Those silent words are... What are you talking about?

Don't talk to you how? I want to talk to you next to some questions, honey. Come on over and give me a little head demonstration, maybe. All right. All righty then. Give me a head. What's funny is that he goes... She goes, give you some head and she smiles like...

Now I feel relaxed. Yeah, I think... Like I said, I don't think she was accustomed to the humiliation part. But that wasn't that humili... Right? For her. I've seen very humiliating and it's so uncomfortable. But why does he have to interview the crack or the client?

That's his genre, like you were saying. His whole thing. That's the whole thing, is they want an interview. But she was... I'm not saying she was smart, but I'm saying she picked up on it, eventually that he was messing with her. And then she's like, come on, let me just fucking fuck your dick. Give me the five bucks.

My son's got to pick me up and let my nipples on fire and send me down my hair down there on fire. That's what got me to start shaving it. Wait, where's the girl who's like, I didn't know how many was in there and then I was so proud. Oh, the proud girl? She's my favorite.

Where is she? All of this, if you have children, let them hear this part of the podcast. Because all this is... Honestly? Red prevention. It wasn't until... And this is like, this goes for almost all the moments in the scene.

It wasn't until somebody was actually there telling me you have two in you or you have three in you that it actually kind of clicked and I'm like, oh my God, this is actually happening. I'm proud of myself. Can I, you know something? I can tell... You're proud of her too?

I'm definitely proud of her. I can tell the difference between one in me and three pretty quickly. But you mean because somebody's telling you you have three in you, you have one in you. That's what you're saying? That's what she's saying too. You're saying you agree with her because you can also tell.

I'm saying that I don't need somebody to tell me. Wait, why not? I know when there's more than one person inside of me. What was it like when you've had more than one? What was that like? Because that's what you're saying right now. I've had more than... I've never, sorry, I've never had more than one.

You just were about to tell us. You said I've had more than... I've had more than one finger and even that you're like, I can tell. I can tell when there's... I know it wasn't mine. One or seven, you know? It wasn't mine.

One or 20 feels different. So more than one finger feels like a lot? Honestly. Have you ever had... Untow... Have you had this before? Have you had this? The shocker?

Yeah. Of course. Do you know that everything Fred guys talk about girls totally do? I've had so many donkey punches, Cleveland steamers, chili dogs, jelly donuts,

shockers. I don't really have a dog story I'm not in. Not yet. Not yet. I don't think I will be. But for the right money? Maybe, yeah. For the right money.

It would have to be good money. Hey. You got any cash? You got any cash? He is kind of cute though. He's so hot. I went into one of those places. Man, I was like, what the fuck is this shit?

You can't... I mean, you can't touch a girl. You can't talk to her. Yeah, so he then asked this girl to blow him. Her mood switches entirely. Okay. And then she immediately goes and starts blowing him. Your comfort zone.

And she goes, Because it's easier for her just to tune out and do this. To blow jobs, yeah. Because it's five dollars right there. Anyway, what's your plans, man? What's your plans for your life, baby? Whatever. Whatever.

What does that mean? You don't have a plan. You're planless? Yeah. Bye. Wow. So she, she was pretty unique. You know what her plan was?

I mean, it was a pretty solid plan. It was, I suck a dick. I get my five dollars and I get my crack rock. That was her whole plan. Do you think it's five dollars, babe? I think last time I checked in the 90s, one rock was five bucks. So I don't know how much. But she got paid more than the five dollars to do that.

You think? Yeah, I think so. Like 20 dollars? No, I think more than that. Really? Just to suck it? For a video, she's like, let's shoot the video. Like she knows what she's, she's shooting something.

I think she might've gotten big money, like 50 bucks. 50, yeah. Maybe a hundred, I don't know. And like a menthol cigarette too. Yeah. She definitely is not a hundred percent. Really? I mean, 80 percent.

Drugs are amazing. You really got to stay out the drugs, kids. Stay out the drugs. Play those clips for your children. Have your kids sit around, listen to your mom's house, and just listen to that part. This is why you don't do drugs. Younger, they're better.

It's not even, you know what it is? I don't even know so much as the damage, because I was watching this great documentary about Lemmy from Motorhead. And do you know that song? The Ace of Spades. Do you know that punk song? No.

Okay. Anyway, this guy Lemmy, he's like 70 years old. He still lives off Sunset Boulevard in a rent-controlled apartment that he pays like 700 bucks a month for. He was in Motorhead, which is like the granddaddy of like metal bands, basically. Yeah.

The guy does a shitload of meth. He drinks Jack and Coke. Like he drinks the entire bottle of Jack. Like you hang out with Lemmy, and Lemmy hands you like a bottle of Jack for you, a bottle for you, and a bottle for me. And he's totally fine. It's not something like, he's totally fine.

He's seven years old. He had diabetes, I think, diabetes. A lot of sugar in that, Jack. A lot of sugar. But he's still touring. He still has like a decent quality of life. So it's not so much the drugs that fuck you. I think it's sometimes when you don't have

the proper money to do those drugs long term. You know what I mean? Like when you got to suck a dick, when you got to do these videos for the drug money. Because there's like Keith Richards, that guy's been doing the smack and shit for years. For years. He's got the amount of money to take care of himself.

He's got the money to afford the drugs, to afford the comforts, and to not have to deal with the pain of detoxing, because he's paid for complete body blood transfusions. Right, right. So it's not drugs in and of themselves. I mean, people do OD, obviously. Like maybe, I don't know.

Yeah. Just don't fucking suck dicks and make videos for your drug money. Just don't. Let me do that. Let me doesn't have to do that. Absolutely. There's your others.

You gotta see that documentary, dude. I will. I'll find some great clips and we can talk about it on the show, because it's pretty good. I think you have a little something to add about Teefees, right? I do, yeah.

That was a creepy way to intro it. It was? What was that creepy? Because he did it kind of the way Freddie Kruger used to do it. I was trying to give you a signal. I saw it. You didn't have to say the signal over the air.

Okay. I haven't done a date from Landon. Okay. Who writes in, hey, mommies, I'm a 20 year old male and until Friday I hadn't been to a dentist in seven years. Jesus Christ, man. What is wrong with you guys?

My teeth have never bothered me and I brush and floss regularly. My girlfriend had finally decided to book us dental appointments, so I went. And the dentist told me that they only have a handful of patients like me. She told me she wished her teeth looked like mine after six months.

Not a single cavity. Wow. And minor tartar buildup. My girlfriend had one cavity and her checkup took twice as long as mine. This goes to show the utter importance of flossing them. Feefs keeps them clean and tight, mommies.

So he's been flossing. So he has been flossing, which apparently I'm telling you that is the secret. It's also genetic. Yeah, that too. I talked to our dentist about it. You did? Yeah, yeah.

People are genetically predisposed to having dental problems, decay, cavities, gum problems. It's genetic, so. Lucky you is all I got to say, but a huge pet on the back for frosting your freefs. I frost every night. I frost on my teeth. My teeth.

I frost on my teeth. I wonder what our stupid waitress does. You think she loses? Big meanie. I don't know, Japanese people sometimes can have real jank teeth. That's a country that's not interested in dental stuff. A lot of smoking too, lots.

Smoking, and I just don't think they visit the dentist regularly there. My guy cuts my hair. Yeah. He a Japanese guy. He'll smoke like right before he cuts my hair. When he's cutting and like pulling hair, I can smell it on his hands.

Yeah, it stinks. Yeah, he's smelling his breath. Yeah, it's the grossest. I had someone give me a massage at the Chinese parlor and she just smoked a cigarette and she touched my face and everything. I was like, come on, man. Yeah.

Wash your stinky old hands. Just wash them. You dirty puss. All right. Wash your dirty pussy hands. Looking forward to Friday's episode. It's going to be a lot of fun. What are you excited most about?

That we have our guests. Oh, shit. Okay, cool. Okay, good. Oh my gosh, you're going to love it. You know what I'm saying? It's going to be fun. You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? Oh, it's going to be great. All right. All right, mommies. Love you. We love you. Enjoy. Jeans up.

Your jeans. We'll talk to you soon. Jeans up. The original mommy. I... I... I... I...

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