Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 154-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

J-J-J-J-J Jeans Unit! Hello, meow. Thanks for getting that new fall line of denim for this episode. We wear our jeans at eye level on this one. Crack can make you cry and by cry, we mean, that's hilarious. The ORIGINAL MOMMY, Charo gets on the phone and tells us a story that will have you begging for even MORE MOMMY. We discuss the possibility that Top Dog is a true killer and Maria reveals news that is so big, so mind blowing we don't think the world is ready for it. Get ready for an epic episode. Peace, God. 

Jeans, Jeans, Jeans, Jeans, Jeans, Jeans, Jeans, guess what Jeans? Pull them up! Your mommies are making their way to Columbus, Ohio, September 27th. It's a Death Squad Super Show with Tom Segura. You may have heard of him. He's a very funny up-and-coming talent. You've seen him on Comedy Central. You've seen him on some podcasts, various things, BET.

Brian Redban, Tony Hedgecliff and myself in Columbus on the 27th, and then the 29th, Stardome, Birmingham, Alabama with just T-Buns and myself. Tour continues September 30th, Nashville, Zaneys with T-Nuts and I. October 1st, we head to Atlanta at the Punchline. October 2nd, Charlotte, North Carolina. Oh, that sounds better. Thank you. And then October 6th, we're going to wrap it up at Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco. And then this mommie goes out October 9th through 12th, Syracuse Funny Bone, Syracuse, New York.

October 16th through 19th, Des Moines Funny Bone, Des Moines, Iowa. Guess what's up? It's a lot. October is banging. Please support our mini tour guys. If you are in and around any of those cities, Columbus, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta, Charlotte, San Francisco, please grab a friend. Come to our show. Support your genes. Pull them up.

Follow us on Twitter at Christina P. at Tom Segura. I will also be October 10th through 12th at Comics at Foxwood Comedy Club and Casino in Connecticut. I'm very excited about that. I mentioned on the last podcast about doing the special in November. It's not at Acme. People were texting me and tweeting me. I called Acme and they don't know what you're talking about. I'm like, well, I'm not doing it at Acme.

So don't call Acme anymore and ask them what I'm doing it. The reason I didn't say where I was doing it is because they asked me to just hold off a second while they line everything up and then we'll have the whole announcement of how you can get tickets and everything. So I'm just excited. Just plan on it. November 9th, if you're in Minneapolis, special will be there. All right. That's that genes. That is that.

What else? Very exciting. We have some very exciting news here. Let's get going. Rackham, rack, rack ball. Rackham, rack, rack, rack ball. Allah! Rack, give me one of my hot dogs.

What's your name, man? William J. Moore, a bell known as fuck a chicken, has Allah, rack ball. Tell him, rack ball. I'm sure he wants to hide now and stankin' tickets. Rack, rack, rack ball. Rack, rack ball. Rack, rack ball. Rack, rack ball.

Rack, rack ball. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone lovin' to this. Yo mama in the fuckin' stand. Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura, Tom Segura. Christina Pazitski, Christina Pazitski.

Welcome to your mom's house. Rack, rack ball. Well, um... What was an interesting one? How did, uh... How'd you stumble on that sweet gem? Jesus. That one, uh, was a special search.

I was in Toronto, and I was just on the internet late at night, and there was, like, a thing for, uh, drugs, like, don't-do-drugs kids, and I was like, oh, this is gonna be some lame, fake commercial. And it was this clip of this, well, who apparently, he looks like homeless and kind of crazy guy. I don't know what's going, but he smokes a lot of crack. Something tells me he likes rocks. Yeah, it's pretty, like, he's...

He's started, he's just yelling out, sitting on a park bench. Uh-huh. Then the microphone gets closer to him from whoever's filming, which is why it gets louder. Then he climbs through the bushes. He continues to scream, and then he cries. That's my favorite part for some, and it's so mean, but it's the crying that made me laugh a lot.

Yeah, and you call me fucked up for laughing at shit. You're the one who's like, isn't hysterical when he cries? He's crying for some reason, really, through me, because I like the beginning. Listen to yourself, listen to yourself. I know, I know, it's not like... Rack, rack, rackball. Rack'em, rack, rack'em, rack, rackball. Allah!

Rack, give me one of my hot dogs. What's your name, man? Well, it's James Bellino and fuck a chicken, and Allah. Rackball, kill it, rackball. I'm sure I'm the one to hide now. And stankin' chickens. He's crawling on the concrete. Crawling on the ground, crawling on the grass.

Going through the bushes. All in the bushes. Rack'em, rack'em. It's the crying that gets me. I think what he's saying, I've listened to it a few times, I think he's saying al-Aqbar, which is the Muslim chant. Of course. How do they say al-Aqbar?

Al-Aqbar, yeah. Al-Aqbar, I mean, God is great or Allah is the best, but I guess he's chanting. He's just showing his expression for the great God. Sure, that's a nice spin on it. And a fuck a chicken. And they call me Abjad, they call me fuck a chicken. It sounds a little bit like Theo.

Whoa, wait a minute. What's Theo been up to on the weekends? Rack, rack. The dog food got me going. They call me fuck a chicken. Shit's good. Rack'em, rack'em. Watch y'all take a walk, take a walk again.

Theo, you know what's funny, the listeners have been asking me. Yeah. How has life been since you got neutered? Since what? Oh, since you went in, remember I took you to the vet and then you woke up and stuff was different? What happened there? Y'all put that motherfucking donut around my neck.

Right. Like I was a child, you forgot I'm old. I ain't no puppy. How you do that shit to me, man? You didn't notice anything different? I mean, I feel different, but I don't know what happened. I feel different below, you know what I'm saying? Right.

Yeah, I feel just, I got a little bit, I got low energy. I'm tired all the time. I ain't even seen a bitch that I'm excited about in weeks. What's up with that? What's going on? I'm a dog. You've also not been marking as much and your aggression has really tamed on leash.

I mean, some would say that's a really good thing. Yeah, so what's happening? What's really, what's going on? Well, we didn't want to tell you, but we had you fixed. Fixed what? Well, most of the time male dogs and female dogs, you got to take them to the vet when they're little puppies, but your owners were neglectful who owned you prior to us

and they didn't do it when you were little and we took you and we had your testicles removed. You what? Yeah, you didn't know? You didn't notice when you've been licking and licking and licking that it's a little different? You're not my mom no more. Theo.

I hate you. Theo, we did this for you so I could take you to the dog park so you could finally socialize and meet other dogs. You're nasty. Theo. Take me back to Downey. Theo, you don't mean that? I want to go back to the cage.

You don't mean that. I want to go to the kennel. I want to die. Okay, here. You want to treat? How about the bacon wrap treat? Do you still want to go back to Downey? Uh-huh.

Let's see. I love you again. I love you. You're the best mom. I love you. Aw, Fifo. He's the cutest dog. He is.

You didn't notice. Did you know that? He didn't know that. I didn't know that he didn't notice. I hadn't asked him about it. I wanted to be very careful about it. Yeah, me too. Fifo.

Yeah, tell him the truth. Um, so how was T dot? Oh my gosh. It's fucking awesome. Can I tell you that, you know, I haven't been back to Canada since, right? I was like four years old and they made me feel so welcome. These guys, uh, Joe Trujudo, who I called Joe Trujudo.

Joey Tuch. Joey Tuch. Yeah. Frank and Jason from Columbus. Uh, he's the Desquad Ohio guy. Hazardous. Yeah. Yeah.

These guys and Puff Mama, so kind, so generous, so wonderful. What a really neat gang of people. Sweet people, man. The club was awesome. The shows were amazing, but I really fell in love with Canada. I really, really love Canada. Look at you. Look at me.

Here's why I like it. Uh, I watch TV. I watch their news. It's just news. There's just a guy who's like, and then today, um, some stuff happened. It's not like the world is collapsing America. Like there's no hysteria. Yeah.

It's so boring that way, isn't it? Read the storyline. It was really interesting. Here's what happened. Right. It's weird when, uh, when people are like really reasonable in their media. And, uh, people are, people seem reasonable. Yeah.

It was a very rational country. I really enjoyed that. Um, but the weather, I gotta say, honestly, as a California girl, I don't think I could take it. I see why my dad was like, fuck the snow. Yeah. Fuck cold. I don't like being cold.

That's anywhere. Anywhere cold. Yeah. It's not just Canada, but I told my dad today about it and he's like, oh, yeah. Super. Those are social nice people. The best people's Canadians. Nice.

I came to Detroit. There's so many. There's all these blacks. Wow. This is what I was meant to be. I go, dad, but yeah, he says, I love Canadians. I hope I didn't make people think I didn't like the Canadians. I just didn't like the snow.

Of course. The snow is fucking unbearable, but really big thanks to those guys. And, and I met so many mommies. I met Danielle Dazzoli on Twitter. She gave us a bunch of stuff for FIFO. Um, I don't know. Oh, those two wonderful women, they brought me cheese and crackers and wine and all kinds of goodies.

I got so many treats. I was very spoiled in Toronto. People are just, um, it's just, it's so fun to be up there, man. Yeah. I really, I really have a good time literally in any city that I go to in Canada. Um, this in particular, uh, this week, actually, I'll be in Toronto. No. I'm going up there.

I'm going to do a show with Joseph Rogan. We're doing the Sony center on Friday, no Thursday. I might do come some extra shows as part of the comedy festival that the Toronto just for laughs is going on this week. So I might go, they can't hear a wink. I'm doing it for you, you, they can't hear winks on the microphone, but I might do some extra shows Friday in Toronto. That's interesting.

Like where, where do you think you'd be? Um, you just have to pay attention later in this week and you'll find out jeans like on Twitter. Is that where people have to pay attention? Pay attention on Twitter. Okay. You're in Toronto. You might get to see.

Well, so many mommies and deskwaters were ecstatic that you and Joe, uh, were coming to Toronto. Yeah. Brian Callan's coming too. So it should be a good time. Um, so nice, so nice jeans. Can I please, uh, I'll give a big thank you to everybody else, by the way, who last week, just based on Twitter, we tweeted out that our, um, third bonus had gone up and it reached

number two on the itunes ironic, um, our favorite number to reach. Um, thank you for where they got it. If you didn't get it, if you didn't know about it, our third bonus is out. It is live from Houston. So you get the whole live from Houston show, which was crazy. It was off the rails. It was off the rails. So much energy and fun.

It's a good time. It's a live podcast. Bob Bigger staff joins us. Then we also play you with commentary, audio from some shows I did in Arizona where I deal with a horrific woman and then another guy, uh, different shows. It's crazy hecklers, a couple of pigs, but the audio is spot on. I think you'll enjoy it, um, to everybody that's gotten it, thank you to those of you that will get it.

Thank you to those of you. We still get a couple of detractors every time he's, why are you charging for this? Look, it's no different than people having, we could sign it. We could create a premium account, which I know some people would just do. What we're doing is we're just whenever we have one that we think is unique. We put it out there. We want to make it super reasonable in price and it just supports the show. This is how this helps us do what we do.

And listen, it's not mandatory. Of course. This is like extra credit. You know what I'm saying? Like we do two shows a week for you guys. We will always keep those free 99. I don't, we will never, uh, change that model. But if you want some extra credit on your mommy knowledge, go to the bonus episodes.

That's all. The bonus episodes allow us to, to do things a little bit like, like for instance, it's out of the norm. The shows don't really fit in. And also like I can, I can look into, because of the bonus structure, I could look into like, you know what? I want to do a bonus episode with Maria. I'm going to fly to Chicago to do it.

Like that idea has come to mind and because of the bonus way we can do it, that makes sense. You can afford to do it. Right. For sure. There's things like that that just come about that we go, all right, this, this might make sense. Yeah.

For real. So anyways, I don't want to spend too much time on it, but just thank you. If you got it, please consider getting it. And um, that's all we'll keep doing bonuses as, as often as we can. Yeah. It's a little something fun. It's fun for us to do too. I like it.

I was in Lottie Dottie for the weekend. Oh, fart lotterdale. A lot of people like that crack. A lot of people did. Yeah. I know. I've got supporters. Anyways, um, come here buddy.

Lottie Dottie was a lot of fun, a lot of Cubanos, a lot of Puerto Ricanos. I had a great time. Yeah. Great crowd. I didn't mean despite the Cubans and Puerto Ricans. No, I know. I meant in addition. It was fun, man.

Yeah. It's a great place. Yeah. Um, I saw your sister. I saw Jane, my sister who was like, whatever, um, but she was actually, she was fun. She came to the show. She hung out in the green. And then a one guy stopped me after the show because I have a story too.

I'd walked around earlier and he goes, I saw you walking around and I go, yeah, he goes, was that top dog? Oh, shit. I go, yeah. He goes, he's here and I go, yeah, but he's not at the show. He's like, oh man, I thought that might be top dog. I was like, yeah, cause he didn't come to show cause I asked him, cause it fucking freaks me out to have my so much.

It's the worst. I don't do it. I don't, I have a strict no family policy of my shows. Oh God. It's like, it gives me anxiety. It gives me anxiety. I mean, why, you know, you try, you need to be free. You can't sense yourself.

You can't think, am I going to talk about touching my painter and my mom is in the audience? I know. You just don't want it. It's not worth it. And when, uh, earlier this year, I did West Palm. My dad went with one of my friends and my, my friend was like, I go, how's my dad? He goes, he just stared at you on the monitor and then he would look at people while he watched them.

I was like, that's so fucking weird. Weird. Weird to me. I have a strict no. Family members, uh, will sneak in against my wishes. It's not cool. It's so uncool. And I've had it happen a couple of times.

I don't, I don't appreciate it. You know what I'm saying? I don't, I don't come to your job and watch you type emails. Yeah. It's still, it's still our workplace. Yeah. And the other thing is that people like family friend, they always think that like every night that you do stand up is like a part like, let's go party.

Yeah. You're like, no, I'm actually, this is my job. I got to go work. Because, you know, if every week is a party, that means you're partying Thursday through Sunday of every week of your life that you're on the road and you can't sustain. That's how guys die. That's how fucking Kinnison and all those guys. Um, so the best thing, I didn't even tell you this in real life yet, but so, well, you

know what I mean? Like off the air or whatever. Yeah, I know. I'm listening. So, okay. After the show, Saturday night show was packed, nutty, nutty packed. Like they had to bring in extra chairs. It was just bananas packed.

So smoky, like there was so much pot in this room and I haven't smoked pot in a while, you know, because I haven't been like feeling that great. Did you do a gang bang? I did a blow bang, a gang bang, 5,000 black guys. No, okay. I'm playing the pot. So any hoodles. Uh, after the show, uh, one of our listeners and their husband came to meet me and talk

to me. It was so, they're so, we have the best listeners, by the way. If I've never said this before, I just want to thank you guys so much for always supporting us and always coming out and you guys are the coolest people. Without fail, when I meet the mommies, they're like the most awesome people. They're never. Sweethearts. Yeah.

They're never shitheads. Like we don't have people that suck who listen to our show. Anyways, uh, I'm just talking to this, to the, one of the fans and her husband, her husband are talking and her husband, uh, just rips one, like farts, like super loud, like. And then I look at him and I'm like, did you just fart? And because everybody's high and stoned, like slightly paranoid, he's like, yeah, I did. I did. I thought it'd be funny.

Is that okay? Like both of us were like, is that okay? I don't know. Is that okay? I don't know. I'm like, yeah, it's totally okay. It's so like, it's your mom's house. Of course.

That's the only idea that they should come up to us now and fart, but it was pretty funny for the moment. I think you just planted that seed, babe. You guys heard her. Oh, no, please don't. If you wanted her to see his attention at a show. But it was pretty funny because he got really weird about it like right away because you could tell he was like inspired.

You know, he's like, I want to fucking fart. Yeah. It's gonna be really funny. And then he thought better of it. That's awesome. Yeah. Good time. Good time.

Jeans, uh, let's get into this, uh, call. Yeah. Let's check out this phone call we just made a little while ago, um, with my mother, the funniest story ever told funny story. My mother is visiting Maria. Oh, like, right? Uh-huh. She's visiting Maria in Chicago right now.

I got my mom to tell a very funny story. Oh my God. Seriously? Yes. And then, um, and then a shocking revelation, shocking revelation, all this, uh, right now in this call. I hope you enjoy it. Mom, will you please tell Christina the story you told me yesterday?

I wanted you to tell her because I, I did, I purposely didn't tell her just so you could tell her. Christina. Yeah. First you need to know one thing, I'm so scared of a man when I'm alone, but if I have a man, a man, if a man is coming in my house to fix something, I call a friend to come and stay with me because I'm scared. She gets, she always gets, she's always been scared.

I'm the same way. I think you should be. So, you know how that is when you're that type of person, the idea of being alone in the car with a man already scaring me, but at least I know some taxi with 50,000 numbers there. So, I get in the car and the taxi driver, well, let's let's, let's set this up first because she doesn't know you flew to Chicago this weekend. Oh, okay.

Yeah. You flew to Chicago. Yeah. So, my mom flew to Chicago to see Maria and she's taking the cab now from the airport to Maria's house. Okay. Got it. Okay.

Okay. I get in the car. Number one, Maria gave me a text with instructions. Taking to take. Nothing here. Something here. Eating here. So, I get in the taxi and the guy says, where are we going?

I said, 16, 67, blah, blah, blah. I said, well, you are going to take, no, you don't need to tell me anything. And I said, well, my God. I told him, no, I'm a taxi driver and I'm driving since 1973. You don't need to tell me anything. I said, okay. And then I see him opening the book and reading to see how is he going to do it. I said, will it help if I tell you that you are going to take off in North?

Don't pay me. I said, okay. I won't tell you. Then she leaned both hands against the steering wheel, a heavy rain and decided to start looking at me or put down the mirror and start looking through the mirror at me. So, how are you? What? And I said, I am fine.

Thank you. Are you married? And I said, happily married. How long have you been married? 38 years. 38 years. That's a long time. And I said, well, no, no.

When you are happily married and you have children. Yes. I have three kids. He asked me for each one. So, how old is Maria? How many children? How about Tommy? Where does he live?

Do they have any kids? Then how about Yang? Why isn't he married? How old is Yang? Where does he live? And did you go to visit him? How often to each one? He asked me a big question.

And I said, when are you going to look at me? So, of course, after all these million questions, I have to ask myself. No, I've never been married and I said, never a girlfriend. I said, never a girlfriend? The man, I should say, is my age. So, he goes, I swear to God, never have a girlfriend. I said, wow. And I said, and I only have sex twice in my life.

What? That's what he said to her. Maria, please. You know what Maria is telling me? What? To tell you that she says that, not me. Yeah. Thanks, Maria.

How many children? Okay, good one. So, he says, I've had sex twice in my life. And I only had sex twice in my life. I swear to God. Once in 1973, I was 24 years old. By the way, both with ladies that I picked up from the airport. At that point, I was feeling my pants.

Wait, I want to make sure, Christina, do you understand what she said? He only had sex twice in his life, once in 1974, when he was 20-something years old. And both? Do you hear what she said? No. Both cases were women that he picked up from the airport. So, he tells her that. Shut up.

Both were the women I picked up from the airport. Oh, so he's throwing it out there, like maybe you're number three? No, I was feeling my pants. I was so scared, Christina. Oh, no. And then he says, the first one, she made me stop in a store, and I picked up a bottle of wine and we ended her place. She was fun.

We have a lot of fun. Oh, okay. I said, the second one was in 1982, and she was divorced. Now, this one's different, because she was divorced as an older woman. In that case, we're in my place. That was a lot of fun, too. I didn't know what to say to him. You know, can you imagine this conversation with your taxi driver?

Oh, no. The whole thing was so weird and scary, so I started telling him, I said, wait, number one, I don't know what kind of woman you pick up in the airport, so they go and have sex like that. I said, that's not, that's not pretty disgusting to me, but one thing, one thing it's sex, another thing it's love. What you need is love. No, it's not going to happen, and of course it's going to happen.

You have the right woman there. What are you telling me? Oh, my God. In the meantime, Christina, I'm so scared that when she told me that, I said, I want to be sure this guy doesn't feel like this is it. She says, when are you coming back? When are you leaving? Oh, my God.

I said, I'm going back on Thursday. Maybe I called you so you can take me to the airport. I told him that so he can feel like he should take me to my house because I'm not, you know what I'm trying to tell you now. No, I don't know, because would that encourage him? Well, she's trying to give him a fake sense of stability. I see. It's cool.

I'm not overreacting. I see. Yeah, maybe you can take me to the airport. Everything's cool. That's smart, Charles. That's what they tell you to do when you get kidnapped. Yeah, I know. I say, yeah.

I called you and then you can take me back. He says, okay, when are you leaving? But I don't have a phone after all that. I don't have a phone. Doesn't have a phone. Okay, that's true. That's true. But then he says, why did it work?

She reached down, gets a piece of paper and a pencil, and he says, she says loud, Maria is around 16, 67 a Thursday. What time? What time do I need to pick you up? And I say, well, no, I don't know that yet. I said, I have to ask my daughter, because I don't remember. I don't remember the time. Call your daughter right now.

Call your daughter right now. Oh my God. I can call my daughter right now because she's with the baby. And when I called her earlier, she couldn't answer. And she gets up 35 times when she's with the baby. Well, then let's wait a few minutes and then you call her. And in that moment, Maria called me. So Maria says, where are you now?

So I have to ask him. I said, she wants to know where are we? Tell her I'm in the, by the museum. Ask her. Ask her about your fight. Ask her about your fight. Jose Maria. This gentleman is going to take me back on Thursday.

Okay. And I said, she needs to know my fly and what time I guess. What the hell should I know? And I said, do the guy. She says that she's checking in the internet. Oh my God. So Maria picked up in me. What is going on?

And I said, yeah, okay, Maria, then you let me know. Okay. Okay. So I hang up. She calling you back. I said, yes. Okay. So she's calling you back.

Yes. She's calling me back. Now mom. He's in love with you. Mom, at any point, did you think of as a joke to say, hey, why don't we go have sex right now? I could be number three. Very funny.

Taro, was he cute at least? Say it again. Was he cute? Was he cute? She said. I can hear what she said. She's asking if he was cute at least. Was he good looking?

He wasn't normal human being an old man. An old man. He wasn't ugly. He wasn't. Yeah. He wasn't normal. Like Sean Connery. He's an old man.

I would be attacking him. So you finally get to the house and then. No, no, no, no. He drove me crazy to call Maria. Oh my God. And I said, no. So Maria called back again and asked her for the flight. So for Maria, he wants to know about the flight.

Maria says, wait, there's him on checking. I haven't got in there. I haven't been checking the flight. I haven't got it yet. She was having it when we get in the house. I said, yes, she was having it in the house. So Maria, of course, by profiting Spanish word for me outside, I was scared to. So Maria says standing outside like a soldier.

The other thing, you didn't get out of the car. And he says, Maria, where is the flight? When is the flight leaving? I don't know. My father was. So each one person to the next one. Wow. My father has applied and he was in meetings and I couldn't interrupt him.

Yeah. At that point, he kind of, the guy made me shut. That's too bad. You're a nice lady and I like you. I wanted to take you. And I said, well, I'm so sorry. Yes. Oh my God.

I got off the car. Did you give him your phone number? Yeah. Did you give him your number? He keeps saying, I like you. I really like you. He told me this 20 times in the way, by the way. He looks in the mirror.

Ah, he's seen it. We're looking through the mirror the whole time. He says, I like you. How old are you? And I said, I am old. He said, how old are you really? I like you. And I said, I'm really old and you don't ask a woman how old is she?

But not really. How old are you? And I said, I am 95. And he said, you are not 95. I said, I am 95. He said, no. Tell me the truth. How old are you?

I said, we're close to that. So don't ask me anymore. Oh my God. It was the whole, he knows the whole story. The part where he scares me, he has Maria's address. Oh my God. Yeah, of course. Maybe Maria will be number three.

You know? That's so scary. They stole Maria's bicycle last night. What? Yes. Where was it? Over the fence. They have to climb over the fence to try where her battery is.

Yeah. Oh my God. There. They came into the, through the fence. Exactly. Wait, Charles, it's funny because your story, to me, is kind of a scary story. It's kind of terrifying to happen to a woman, but your son thinks it's the funniest story he's ever heard.

For him, this is a funny story. Yeah. He thinks it's the funniest thing that he's ever heard. It's a funny story. The story of the cab driver is funny. Do you think so? When I tell you, I tell you, Christina, I tell you, no, the cab driver is scary. I took a cab in Houston in a shady, or you always get shady rains.

And that one was a black, black, black guy, probably 95. We had sunglasses in the rain with thunder from, thunder from lightning. Sunglasses that could, how do you say those wrap sunglasses? And in top of that, he put tiny little reading glasses so he can really sing. We take off to the airport and petrify with the guy. Because to begin, he can sing. Yeah. How can you put sunglasses in thunder from on training?

And how black is he? How black is he? And read as black as, what is the blackest that you can read? I mean, as black as ever. We are going to the airport in Houston, which obviously these are people that are not familiar with it. I'm putting the rosary in the way and total silence. And all of a sudden he take off in an exit.

And I said, where are we going? Do you hear this? He takes off. He takes off, right? He exits where he's not supposed to. And I look around and he said, totally like a slump. Really, really old, grumpy houses. I don't see a soul in the streets.

I said, what is this? I have to make a payment. I said, excuse me, but I took a taxi to go to the airport. Why? He would take a few minutes. I was 35. 35. So the guy picks the car and he says, don't worry, it will take me a few seconds.

And I said, when he got off, I said, I can't get out. I don't have a place to go. You couldn't see a car or a soul. Nothing. Nothing but abandoned houses. I said, if I get out, I don't have a place to go. I don't have anybody to, you know, an office. I started nothing.

And my fear was this guy getting in and three are coming out and they kept me. So I called, so I called Charo Figari. She calls her friend. My friend was in the hospital and I went to help her to visit her. So I called her and I said, Charo, do me if I will write down this number. And if you don't hear from me in 30 minutes, you call that number and report it. And she said, what happened? I don't know, but I explained you later.

Just write down the number. And I just put the guy came back and she said, see, I came back. I know you didn't believe me. I said, wait, but you don't do stuff like that. I said, you know, I'm taking a taxi to the airport and you decide to make a payment. And she says, well, I'm sorry. What's happening is I really have to make a payment to allow me to get into the airport. I said, well, why didn't you tell me that?

You should have asked me before we even get in the taxi instead of going this way. But I didn't want to get too upset because then what if she gets worse? By the time we got at the airport, she told me she was a pastor. She says, I know that you were afraid and you didn't trust me. She turned around and we hold hands and we put her together. And then I look at the phone number that I get Charo Figueroa. And I never even realized that it's in case you got baggage. She told her friend to call the lost luggage line.

If she doesn't call back. So she would have been like, my friend disappeared and they'd be like, is it a Samsonite? Or what is it? Before you said bye to that guy, did you say, by the way, you are so, so black? I have never seen anything that black. Was he African? Did he have an accent? Yes, he came from Kenya. Oh, he's an African guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, completely African. And no teeth. No teeth? No teeth. That one was in 1995. That is a good look. I don't know how he made it, the poor guy. That is hysterical.

Hey, mom, I wanted to ask you this. I'm going to read you a description of a type of person. And you tell me if you know anybody in your life that fits this description. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. A very high sense of self, self worth.

Okay. So thinks highly of themselves is not phased by heavy criticism. So in other words, when they're criticized, it doesn't really affect them that much. Yeah. Easily rebounds from detracted situations. So in other words, if they do get criticized, it just... That's your father. Okay.

So do you know what type of person I'm describing right now? Where this is from? Your father. Right. But do you know where I'm reading this from? No, I have no idea. It's a description of sociopaths. But you said sociopath.

That's what I'm putting out there. So sociopaths are also, ironically enough, based on conversations you and I have had, they're also easily capable of killing somebody and not feeling badly about it. Okay. This is great. Now I'm going to help people. Do you think... Yeah.

Okay. Do you think dad might be... Thank you because I send you a text and you are falling asleep. Yeah. And then you're trying to describe me to the man that I admire the most. Easily rebound, work hard, highest in himself, also easily killing. And all he does is making me watch every killing show. We keep growing in killings at the same time.

Now I don't want to bet him anymore. I just can't help it. Now I can even tell you the names that he found new shows. Yeah. From the date line to 48 hours. Wow. To the mob, you know, the date line. Well, Tommy knows.

Ask Tommy. It's his DVR too. Well, I know that he likes to show how they did it. Doesn't he like to watch that? How the person killed? Now he takes me to watch the family. It's a strict family. Carrying in mansion walls.

And they bet in the family. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. Everybody I wanted to have expected for everybody. We're watching horrible crimes. Every single show we watch as he's watching. I turn around and say, Tom, please. And they do not kill me.

And he says, how can you talk like that? He says, okay, baby. And he can give me some reassurance when they say it. He said, okay, I won't kill you. And he keeps watching you. So I want to tell you. If he did kill you, I think he's capable of not feeling badly about it. I think he's wired that way.

You're a piece of shit. You are a piece of shit. I think he would just go play around the golf right after. You live in California. If I was you, I would call the police and tell him to guard your house. Yes, sir. Oh, I'm on it. All right.

Well, I love you. We love you. I love you. I love Maria. Tell Maria we love her too. I want to call you tomorrow and let you know about one 24 hour day with Maria. Okay. Okay.

Please do. Please do. I will start at eight o'clock in the morning. I hope you don't get it. Have you gone to Starbucks yet? No, no more Starbucks. What? You can go to Starbucks now.

She hasn't got to Starbucks anymore. What happened? This is huge breaking news. She did a cleanse. So she decaps herself completely and now she brings a green tea. And guess what? What? She declines Jeff too.

She what? He talks Jeff. Jeff doesn't drink Starbucks anymore. What? Can you put her on the phone for a second? Yes. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Bruh. Hey. Bruh. Bruh. You don't go to Starbucks anymore? No, I don't go to Starbucks every now and then and get a green tea. But I told Jeff that I really wanted to do a detox cleanse.

I try to do it twice a year, like spring cleaning and then let it be for a fall. All right. For the holidays. Yeah. I like to clean myself. It's a great fall fashion in the winter. It's a good program to end the summer, sweet treats and drinking and whatnot. It's going to be seven days of no sugar, no caffeine, no alcohol, nothing processed,

nothing artificial, just really good, clean eating. I'm not, I'm just in there. And I figured it would be good because he spent like $1,000 a month on Starbucks. And I just think it's a good way, especially for Jeff, when I was 12 to 16 shots of espresso a day to taper off. Holy shit. Holy shit. What?

12 to 15 espresso shots a day. Yeah, that's a lot, buddy. Yes. So we did it for like the week before we were going to do it. He cut down to like four to six shots of espresso a day. And then that morning we just did it full turkey. We had no sugar and espresso, nothing. And we did it for six days.

Wow. That was following Friday. I was like, I want a glass of wine and I want some sugar. Yeah, of course. But I haven't gone back. I haven't been no more, no more of my teas, my awake teas or creptinas. And he has on any caffeine since then. Beautiful.

Wait a minute. Not even the pumpkin spice latte? No, not even the pumpkin spice latte. Nothing. Wow. It's some green tea and caramel tea at home. And then if I'm out in the bottle, grab a green tea, but. No drizzles?

No drizzle, huh? And put a little drizzle on the bottom and I'll have a lot of drizzle on the side of the cup too. I don't know. I still don't find caramel sauce. I know I do. I love it. Yeah, you loved it.

I do. I still love it. It's soft on my heart. It's caramel sauce and sugar. But I realized I had to cut back. What about Weston? He loves the caramel drizzle with the whipped cream. He gets whipped cream every now and then.

It's true. But Weston. Dipped it? Dipped it? Yeah. You know what? Weston's really sensitive and a total bad case with sugar. So I've kind of cut the sugar from him too.

Especially now. I made the mistake of giving him a little whipped cream before his first soccer practice. And that was a total desert. He was like a wingtick that's been released from an insane asylum. He just went completely desert. Like, fast. Yeah. It reminds me of somebody I know.

I don't know who I... I can't remember who it reminds me of. Me neither. I'm not fast. I'm much more controlled than that. He was completely a loose cannon. Ah, I want to play soccer. Bro.

Nah. I don't like that. I don't play soccer. I don't play soccer. I love caramel drizzle on my side. Are you having a good time with mom? Is it fun having mom there? It's so much fun.

Yeah. But it's so much fun having her. Okay. I love having her. I love you guys. I love you. I love you. All right, bye.

Tell me. Yeah. I got here yesterday. And you might have arrived and she decided to be came to me too. Oh, no. Oh, no. Yeah. And she said, mom, no bread and no sugar for you.

What? What are you going to eat? No. First you probably only for 30 days. And say, Maria, it would be like telling me, don't eat for the rest of your life because I live in bread and sweets. Shut up. I am cooking.

And then she goes, Maria, she told me so much how Jeff and her are doing this stuff that I feel like the biggest loser on earth. So I said, okay, let's do one day, Maria, one day. And I don't even know if I can do that day. Okay. Okay, mom. Let's do it one day at a time. For the first day, I arrived here with a super active hyper baby, a super active hyper

baby. And I cannot touch sugar. And I cannot eat bread. Oh, my God. It's terrible. It's terrible. Horrible. Don't do that.

No. I was in misery. All I'm doing is counting the minutes and just stuffing carrots and stuff. By the end, I ate so much of the other stuff that I looked six months pregnant in the evening. I said, Maria, I can't even see the straight. What happened to me? No, that's because you have done all this stupid things, she says. This one, I got up.

I have a diarrhea. I have to get up because the toilet was filling up. I said, Maria, what? That's your fighter. See how good it is. You are the clean thing. I said, I have no engraving. I'm totally the clean smell.

I need to talk right this second, giving my bread. I was about to kill Maria. She has to give me my bread. Okay. Today you have one toast. That's it. Tomorrow you have one dessert. That's it.

If I win, then you have one toast. What taught me today? I attacked by a tantrum. She wanted to tell me something good. I ate three toasts. And I was full. I was full because it was the biggest torture of my life. Did you have horrible diarrhea?

Oh, my God. I was like, that's my smell. I was like, Mama, who is complaining about her stomach and her gases and all she did. I don't want to do anything more. I don't want to do anything. I just can't. I'm like, you can do it. See.

I was like, I was just complaining about what her bloated gas and her belly. I can't even understand what's going on. What's happening over there? She suggested it. So I was here to support her because all she said was, help me. Help me. Imagine me begging. Can you imagine me begging?

Please take me out. She is full of bullshit. Get out of bullshit for Maria. Maria, please help me begging me. Hello. Unbelievable. I can't believe this kid. Did you have any more diarrhea after that initial one?

Well, after that, I ate three toasts. Then it made it take me to a fresh market, whatever places, and I bought a dessert, the size of a trumpet. And I said, I'm going to eat a little by little, a little by little, bullshit. I hate the whole thing. The cramps are in the floor. And these people are so detoxed that they detox the dog too. So now, I said, Maria, call the dog so he can eat my cramps because I fell all the time. He said, Maria, cramps.

And he said, the third. And Maria goes, oh my gosh, I'm going to make a mess. So we caught clouds because Kamen is making, she doesn't care for food. She's detox. Wow. What an amazing dog. Amazing dog. Amazing Maya.

Amazing fly. Amazing clouds. Yeah. Wow. It was so fun to talk to you guys. I love you guys. Fly safe. I hope you get the same cab driver on the way to the airport.

You have to pay for me. That's not funny. And I hope dad doesn't kill you when you get home either. Christina. Yes. I will see you pay that Tommy doesn't kill you either. Well, please pray for me because I wait for it every night in terror. You can count on my prayers and thank God my prayer will work.

Don't worry. Thank you. You won't kill you. Thank you. I appreciate that. All right. Thank you. I love you.

Bye mom. I love you. I love you. Bye. There you have it. That was the call guys that we did earlier just a little while ago with my mom. There's a lot going on. First of all, I like how you're like, oh, my mom is a really funny, funny story to tell

you about how some guy almost assaulted her and murdered her. It's not that funny, babe. It's hilarious. It's hilarious. Uh-huh. What part's the funniest? Well, nothing happened and it was just, she always overreacts. So it's fear that's, you know, I'm sorry.

I forgot. It's your mother's terror that makes you. That makes me laugh. Yes. You're adorable, Peruvian, beautiful mom being afraid of a cab driver gives you endless joys when you're saying it's pretty funny. I thought it was pretty funny. Uh-huh.

You didn't think it was funny at all? No, because, uh, I've been in cabs where weird stuff has happened and it's quite scary for a woman to be alone with a freaky guy. Which, um, do you think that when she was describing the second cab driver, she was thinking he was more... Damn! Damn! Never mind.

He's like, he's so black. You know, the funny thing about the way that she speaks and translates Spanish to English and everything is when she goes, this guy was black, black, black. That's why I asked later on, like, are you talking about how dark, like, in other words, is he from another country? And she's like, oh yeah, he's African. Right. Right.

That's for her, the thing that stands out. He's so black, black, black. Yeah. Black, black, black. What is the blackest thing you can be? Should have been like, uh, Marshawn Lynch. He's pretty black. I don't even know who that is.

Who's Marshawn Lynch? Everybody listened to the newest episode of Charge Into the Game. That's all I gotta say. Also, huge update from Maria. Yeah. I mean, no Starbucks? What is going on? Dirty and disgusting.

Yeah. What? I feel like our world has come crashing down. This is a whole, a whole new thing for us to think of a Maria Sons Starbucks. Yeah. I mean. It's not a world I want to live in. I think actually as much as we talk about that Maria is a shithead there, I feel like

a world that doesn't have Maria in Starbucks is an incomplete world. Yeah. I know. I know. I agree. The world is off kilter, but hopefully this cleansing nonsense will end quickly. Yeah. Because it also sounded like it was temporary.

Temporary. Like she was like, I'm going to go back there. I thought great. You know what's great is that when you do the impression of her to her, she responds exactly as your impression of her is. In that voice, right? It's amazing. Yeah.

I don't talk like that. You're like, yeah. I don't talk like that. Well, I don't like, we gotta, we gotta, blah, blah, blah. I don't want that. I just want the talking part. Like you put whipped cream on as a topper and ask for a lot more whipped cream, you're going to charge me for a fucking latte too?

Right. You have to push the button for the whipped cream to come out. Now, now is that a latte because you had to push the fucking button that says steam milk. She decided, oh, it's a latte. And I know I don't work at Starbucks, but I think I frequent there enough to know. You definitely frequent it at night. I do.

Yeah. I do. I do. So great. I wanted to go back very quickly. So do I. She'll be on, is it off the wagon when you, when you go back to your old ways or on the way off the wagon?

Yes. Off the wagon in no time. These cleanses, you can't do it for more than a week. I mean, come on. Who can tolerate that shit? I mean, God, come on. About also Jeff, her husband drinking 12 to 15 shots a day of espresso. It's not good for your kidneys.

I don't think it's good for your bowels. Get kidney stones that way. It's way too much. That's what I think half of that is too much. Oh, you're like, I have four to six, seven shots a day of espresso. You're like, that's for you. You need to cut back on that. Well, when you work at Starbucks, like when I work at Starbucks, you do kind of go through

like two or three drinks a day just because you're at the bar and you're making them. But you don't finish them. You can throw it away because like you get free drinks and stuff. But that's pretty, pretty Narnar. You saw a guy have a caffeine overdose. So remember that? There was a guy I worked at, I worked at Starbucks. Like this is when I was like 20 years old and he drank way too much.

And he like had a coffee freak out, like a coffee OD. And we had to lay him down in the back room and like lay him down. And then we had to force feed him Madeline's those cookies. Because like what helps you is to get food in your bloodstream. If you ever OD on caffeine, that's how you kind of temper that. How do you do it? You got to eat stuff because you get it. You dilute whatever in your bloodstream.

Just like with pot, by the way, whenever I've been too high, what you got to do is eat something and then you can level out quick. Do you really? Yeah, dude. Yeah, because I feel like it with chocolate. If you have diabetes, right? Something like that, something like that. So does that really work for me?

It does really takes the high down. Yeah, it makes sense, doesn't it? Because like your bloodstream is full of THC, but if you eat something, then maybe whatever you're you're putting in your body is taking over. That's my theory anyway. That's pretty, it's not a bad theory. Who knows, bro? Bro, it's not a bad theory at all.

Bro, but also I like how you presented the sociopath theory like that to your mom. Yeah, because who's been saying that about top dog? Who's been saying that? Just tell me who's been saying that. Have you been saying that, babe? I've been saying that your dad's sociopath for years. He's not really one. No, but he does share some of the traits.

Yeah, because I remember when we were, remember, you read that book about sociopaths like years ago. And I was reading another one. Right. But now I'm saying, so why, why are you so interested? Don't you find it odd that you're super interested in sociopaths? Thing is, because I think of my dad's one on a subconscious level. Yeah.

I think that your dad, I've had one before. Number six. I think your dad definitely shares some characteristics like you, like you illuminated, enumerated, illuminated to your mom just now. Yeah. Yeah. It's possible. It's fun.

The fun part is to get her to think that he might kill her. That's the fun part. That is the fun part. And I also think sometimes your dad doesn't like, I don't think he feels stuff the way some people do. Most people do. Could, I mean, yeah. He definitely blocks out feelings.

Yeah. Yeah. But he feels guilt and stuff. No, I know. Obviously he's not truly a sociopath. But remember the first time I told you that and you got really mad at me? Well, yeah, it's my father. But it's only because we were talking about him being in Vietnam

and how he likes to talk about killing. And I was like, yeah. I don't really think it though. Yeah, no. And like, you know, the character traits that they're talking about are different. Like he is like, you know, I think I'm good at this. He's not like fucking checked out. Like, yeah, no, it's a different thing.

Interesting. You don't think so? No, I just had a thought, but I can't share it on there. Oh, really? I'll share it with you when we disconnect. Whoa. Hold on. Because it's a family thing.

I don't want it to get into the... Okay. But yeah, I think that's really funny. Your mom got really mad at the suggestion that your father might be a sociopath. Well, I don't think... Yeah, I mean, yes, that upset her. But I think also what really upset her is that if he did kill her, it'd be no big deal.

He'd go play golf. That was fun to play at that stage. Remember that time at Christmas? We all played the game of what's the best way to kill somebody? And your dad immediately knew. He broke that shit down. Quick. But sociopaths aren't capable of love.

He's very loving. No, that's true. Very loving. And not capable of love or human, true human connections. No. And your dad is. And he's very, very loving. Remember when we were like...

Okay. He thought the boat idea was terrible. That was my idea. I go, I want to get a boat and then I take somebody out and I dump Tommy's body. Yeah, he's like, well, you know, you'd have to know your route pretty well. And I mean, if you weren't a regular boater, somebody might see a boat and they would say, that stands out. She's not always out on the water boating.

You knew the reason. You knew all the... Yeah. Plus you got to know how to drive the boat. You don't know how to drive the boat. Yeah. You can get lost out there. Especially if you're going out at night.

You're not an experienced night boater. You're really not... You're not equipped for that. What was your scenario? You wanted to burn me? No, I think I wanted to take you into the citrus groves, if I remember. Yeah. There's a lot of citrus groves and a lot of those groves, maybe not the groves, maybe

it was swamp. There's groves out there that go out and then there's swamp kind of, you know, what's it called? The side of the road. There's all these... Yeah. You're talking about in Florida. Yeah.

Great ditches. You keep going out back. You go way out in the sticks. I'm like, who's going to find you out here? And also gators and stuff would probably eat my decomposing body before the police could ever get around to it. I could take you to that one gator spot that I took you to that one time. Imagine if I took you there, threw you overboard.

That's where they go to look for gators. Right. So they're there. And because of the heat too, my body would decompose super fast. Well, I think that's what your father said. Yeah. You want it to be in the summer. That was his note to you.

He goes, I like that one better because her body will decompose faster. Yeah. So that was moving my body. I would throw you out there in July. Right. Because by October, something's eating you and you're, yeah. The vultures have come. You know, interesting, Tampa, I had a cab ride of terror.

Did you? Yeah. I was doing side splitters in Tampa. I was featuring there years ago. And some jerk off picked me up from the airport as cabbie and took the darkest, longest route to the Tampa side splitters I have ever been on. I mean, he took me down roads. There were no lights anywhere and I thought for sure, like, oh, I'm getting kidnapped.

This is it. This is the end of the road. I'm going to die in fucking Tampa of all places in a club where a bunch of fucking Puerto Rican guys and mullets show up to your shows with gold medallions. Yeah. That's scary. I remember, but I wasn't quite as scared as that. Not to say that all of Tampa is Puerto Rican guys and mullets, but for some reason the

side splitters week that I did there, it was nothing but it. Yeah. Usually it's not a problem for you. You're a Puerto Rican. You're just Puerto Rican. No offense to Tampa. But Tampa is a fine place, just not that club that week for some reason. The thing that I had one time that I got picked up in, I think Indiana, Indianapolis.

Yeah. I got in the car and I was like, what's going on? He's like, oh, you know, murder here, murder there. That was his first response. Murder here, murder there. And I was like, okay. And then I asked him like, where are you from? You know, I'm from, I think it was like, I had to get out of there because you know,

some shit going on there. I'm like, so you came to the words murder here and murder there is all about murders. And then he asked me what I did and I said, I'm going to stand up. He was in and we started talking about stand up. I brought up Steve Harvey and he goes, man, fuck Steve Harvey, man. He's an asshole. I was like, I remember this, right? Yeah.

Fuck Steve Harvey will always stand out my mind. Let's recap. That was great. I want to thank Charo and Maria. Don't forget what we've told you to get bonus episode number three, which is out now. Don't forget about that. Don't forget to charge it to the game that that episode is out. Don't forget that Tina and Tommy together.

We're coming to Columbus with Red Band and Tony Hingecliffe. Then two days later, we're in Birmingham, then Nashville, then Atlanta and Charlotte. We really need your guys support in San Francisco. Of course. Yeah. But we really need your support. And then we go to San Francisco. We do the podcast live.

If you live in any of the cities we're going to, please come out. Please bring a friend. It would be great to have a bunch of denim in each and every one of these clubs. I'm saying you're saying so. That's that. You know what I'm saying? Go to your mom's house podcast.com. Do your Amazon shopping through our banner.

Yes. And I think that's it. That's it, Jean. That's it. We love you. We love you, Mommy. Bye, Jean's. Have a nice day. This is Charo, the original Mommy.

That's it. This is Charo, the original Mommy. This is Charo, the original Mommy. Charo, the original Mommy. Charo, the original Mommy. Charo, the original Mommy. Charo, the original Mommy. Charo, the original Mommy.

Charo, the original Mommy.