Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 155-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

Drugs are powerful. People say what they wanna say. It's f***ed! We'll show you. If you like p***y does that make you a p***y magnet? Get ready for some great awful music. The White Girl Mob needs to look into comedy cause these videos are HILARIOUS for all the wrong reasons. Anthens rack em is dead! RIP. Also, Stevie is probably not going to be at our Nashville show. We'll tell you why (though you can probably guess). America's most annoying child celebrity, the incredibly delusional Jaden Smith spreads his stupidity thru twitter. Is anything better than a severely sick person starring in a sitcom? We don't think so either. You know what I'm sayin?

Test, test, jeans, jeans, test. Jeans. Jeans. I watched that criss-cross video on, uh, much music. Yeah. Uh, remember criss-cross? Megan, jump, jump. Yeah, of course.

One of them died this year. It's, uh, it's not bad. Now that I watched it, I hated it at the time, but I was like, it's kind of a peppy little number. I loved it at the time. Yeah. That was my favorite shit. That was cool.

I almost wore my pants backwards to school. I don't think Top Dog or Charo would approve. What's up, little mommy, mommy, mommies? Check it out. I'm right now. I'm in Toronto. Oh. If you're listening to this on, uh, the wonderful Friday that it came out, um, there might be

a couple shows that I pop up on tonight. Follow me on Twitter at Tom Segura. I'll tweet about the shows. Um, I'm up here with Joe Rogan and Brian Callan. So come see me. T dot. That's what's up. That's what's up.

Also Columbus. Oh, easy. September 27. Oh, H. T nuts. Myself, uh, Brian, red band, Tony Henchcliffe. We're doing a death squad super show. That's awesome. Uh, that's the 27th.

Get tickets. And that kicks off a huge thing that Tom and I are doing starting the 29th. We go to the star dome, Birmingham, Alabama. Roll tide. September 30th, Zainis and Nashville, Tennessee. We have an announcement about someone who's not going to be at our Zaini show pretty soon. October 1st, Atlanta punchline. October 2nd, Charlotte, North Carolina.

My first time going back to North Cackalackie. Do you know I've never, oh wait, I've only been there for your friend's wedding. My friend, you mean Casey? The dude. The dude whisperer. October 6th, we wrap it up. We go to Cobb's comedy club in San Francisco. And that's a show we're doing both the podcast and making stand up jokes.

And then I go on alone without my jeans. October 9th through 12th, Syracuse Funny Bone, Syracuse, New York. October 16th through 19th, I just added the Des Moines Funny Bone in Des Moines, Iowa. Oh, okay. All right. Well, I go to... Good one. Comedy.

Fox. Foxwoods. Don't fuck this up. They get mad, right? If you fuck it up. Don't fuck it up. It's a very specific way to say it. Well, I don't want to, hold on.

I don't want to screw this up. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. No, hold on. It's like a pot. You know what I'm saying? You know. This is embarrassing.

But look, it's... I know what it is. I got it. It's at Foxwoods. Comedy Club in Castino. Duh. It's October 10th through the 12th. That's what's up.

If they still allow you to show up after not even knowing the name of the place, way to go, jeans. All right. Well, that's that. That's what's up. Come see us, all these shows. We need your support on this little mini tour, guys. Please come out and see us.

Oh, my gosh. Yeah. And then Twitter at Christina P at Tom Segura. Follow us there. I know some of you are mature people, not on Twitter. I totally get it. But just follow us because that's where we announce stuff. We drop episodes.

We make things happen there. We make it happen? Yeah. We make it happen? We make it happen. What are you doing? What's going on? I'm saying you said make it happen.

So I'm making it happen right now. I'm trying to find this article so we can talk about the North Carolina story. Yeah. I have to find it. You ready to do this? Yeah. We got a lot. We got so many fun things to cover.

All right. Let's do this. I try. I put a gun to my throat, dude. Damn. I was about to broke down. But dude, I wrote that last night and I wrote, I had a front page. I had two pages.

The front page was the one, dude, I have proof. All right. You can ask these niggas. Sorry. I'm sorry, honestly. It's all good. Y'all use it in San Antonio. Y'all use the word niggas a lot.

People use what they want to do. It's fucked. I'm Christina Positsa. Christina Positsa. Welcome to your househouse. Yeah. I said put him on the fridge. He a pussy magnet.

Why you talking about pussy? Cause I love to smash it. I love big titties and I love asses. But when cash involved, I gotta pass it. They said put him on the fridge. He a pussy magnet. Why you talking about pussy? Cause I love to smash it.

I love big titties and I love asses. But when cash involved, I gotta pass it. Five in the morning in a town court. Airport event, cause the band's called. It's like a 49, fucking dick. Trying to get my stacks looking like midget. Just do it over and over like a bad bitch. I just want to eat.

Wait for the hug. It's about to crash odds on it. Oh yeah. It's bad business. I'm a tad vicious. They said put him on the fridge. He a pussy magnet. Put him on the fridge.

He a pussy magnet. They said put him on the fridge. He a pussy magnet. Why you talking about pussy? Cause I love to smash it. I love to smash it. I love to smash it. It's so dumb.

I love to come to cash. I gotta have it. When it come to cash. I gotta have it. It's a city of gold. This plays exactly like a parody video. Like this is a Lonely Island. Yeah I know.

This is serious. 100%. And the video. I'm writing lyrics man. Yeah. The video is equally stupid. Oh yeah. If you Google it.

It's roach gigs. Oh. Or you could also Google pussy magnet. I got an A bitch, a B bitch, a C bitch, a C bitch that don't know the sequence. A D bitch that we talk about. He doesn't look like a guy that's a pussy magnet. You don't think so? Just so you know.

What part is it? Is it like his white guy Jerry Curl? Yes. It's just a swimming pool in the back. It's like a house in the valley. It's not even like a baller. Status thing. Put him on a fridge.

Put him on a fridge. You know what I'm saying? Put him on the fridge. He a pussy magnet. Why you talk about pussy? Cuz I love to smash. Why you talk about pussy? Cuz I love to smash it.

The creativity that went into why do you talk about pussy? And then I'll answer you. You asked why. You asked. You asked me. And then I'll say cuz I love to smash it. Put it on the fridge. Meow.

That's her pussy talking. Meow. So stupid. What a fucking dog song. That might be the dumbest song of all time. So Kreishan, I'm a huge fan of her work. We all know Gucci. Sure.

Gucci and bump and bumpin. And then the white girl mob, she was a part of split up and now they're all doing different things. You know so much about the white girl mob. I follow Kreishan on Twitter. But yeah, so pussy magnet, she does a little cameo in it. And it's a horrendous video if you want to laugh. It's probably the most offensive video, worse than Two Life Crew.

I don't know. What do you say, Tommy? You're a huge fan of Two Life Crew. Well, I don't know. You can, it's not as funny as their stuff. Right. It didn't have a sense of irony. There's no irony in put it on the fridge.

Yeah, put some magnet. Put them on the fridge. Put that magnet. Yeah, it's different. I mean. What the fuck? Why you like a pussy? You have to answer me.

Because I love to smash it. There you go. He just likes pussy. I like, but he also likes big ass and titties. By the way, what I love about our opening clip about, oh sorry, so this is Lil Debbie, who was part of the white girl mob of Kreishan and she split off. More talent. More talent from that whole family in Oakland.

I got bitches. You got bitches. Tell them bitches come over. If they ratchet let's get ratchet. Pick up up in this world. I got ratchets in my living room till six in the morning when I'm finished up this Wibe and I'm sending them all. I got bitches.

You got bitches. Tell them bitches come over. If they ratchet. Let's get ratchet. Pick up up in that I got. Roger. In my living room till six in the morning when I'm finished up this Webman. I'm sending him on.

I got ratchet. Send some bitches, pipelines, no soft drinks, Ben Frank's that green tank. Pussy. Pick. Sorry. I got these. In my mouth. I put up in that road.

That dark. All black. Yeah. I got him saying Debbie, you the fucking baddest because I've been smoking on that cushion like a fucking mattress. We could leak up codec cups, bitch, drink up this is fucking horrible, but I do like little, I'm sorry, Lil Debbie, Eli, apostrophe, I'll Debbie more than I like Roach gigs song because I feel like Lil Debbie has a kind of swag to her in the videos.

The video is totally offensive to any black woman alive. What the fuck, man? I mean, as this person commented underneath it, you got to love white girl using black women as status props. Yeah. What is happening in this video? Well, and I guess, um, Jesus, I mean, you're probably the aficionado on this lingo from what I understand a ratchet means like your weave is kind of messed up and your nails

aren't dead. It's just like, it's kind of janky replacement word, essentially for ghetto, like that's some ghetto. Oh, it's a ratchet. It's just, yeah, it's just a new word for that. Yeah. So this is a little, I mean, if I were a black woman, I'd be horribly offended because it's like these, quote, ratchet girls dancing and they're wearing like Budweiser bathing suits

and they're just, they're good for Lil, for a white woman, for Lil Debbie in the foreground and then they're just dancing on a rooftop doing the splits and like shaking their asses and stuff. It's her. What's happening to the world we live in? Why does this girl have a music career? Lil Debbie. Now, you said that V nasty is doing her own thing now, right?

Well, from what I understand, yeah, well, I know that Lil Debbie and creation have beef and that's what Lil Debbie started her own thing. I think V nasty may have split up with creation as well, but I'm not sure what her music is. I didn't do that research. Well, it looks like V nasty, man, her fucking videos have crazy views. It's a lot about, here's the, okay. So white girl mob is from Oakland, these three girls and they're three white girls who rap and a lot of their themes center around weed, alcohol, more weed, a lot of weed and then

getting high. And then Gucci, I guess, I don't know, and Gucci and like fashion. Yeah. This is V nasty and Lil Debbie got a ball because they're also ballers, right? Oh, right. Yeah. The thing about them, it's such a calculated like look and you know what I mean, everything I don't, I tell you what I don't like about like, I don't like, but what I don't like

about this particular like when I click like this, yeah, I don't like when somebody talks like, like I'll whoop your ass because they can do it when you can't and won't and like what like, I just don't think I don't like when something like she's basing that on almost knowing that like a guy is not going to hit you back like, don't act like you're a tough right. And I agree with you a hundred percent. However, in this case, I've done my research, look, I spent a lot of time alone in hotel rooms.

Yeah. For what? Um, I think stealing stuff, she's probably fought in jail, right? And also Lil Debbie is pretty checkered past like these chicks are kind of messed up, you know, they're messed up for real, but don't be, you're not physically imposing. You're not going to threaten me. She's not going to beat up a dude. Yeah.

Yeah. You talking like you're going to hurt somebody physically. It's stupid. Well, I think it's stupid in all genre, right? No. Threatening violence. Because if you can back up your threats, then you can get away with threatening violence. I guess, dude.

I just, I don't even listen to the words. But I mean, like guys who really commit violent acts, right? That's why you go, okay, well, you can talk about that because you're a violent person. Because you've done that stuff. You do that. It's not like, I'm not saying I encourage you to be more violent. I'm saying you have the credibility to be violent. Right.

You can say that stuff. Yeah. When you're like, I'm a bad bitch. And like, no, you're not. Shut up. Grab you by your stupid face. I wouldn't fuck with be nasty. I wouldn't fight her.

But I'm not suggesting that you should. I'm just saying that like, I'll smack the shit out of her. You know what I mean? Oh, okay. Shit. I didn't know. I didn't know it was like that. Okay.

All right. Maybe you should write a tune. I'll smack the shit out of that bitch. Horrible. You're horribly untalented. Oh, jeans. Go away. I just, I like, I kind of like the music behind ratchet.

Yeah. And I do like creation. I have to say, I do like Gucci Gucci. I still, I still, I have that on my iPhone. Can I spend the night? That's her. That's bumping, bumping. Dance floor is bumping, bumping, bumping.

I said, can I spend the night? It's so funny. I think I still think creation is the most talented of the three of the white girl mob personally. I feel you. I hear you. You know what I'm saying? I'm rolling with you.

Yeah. Let's talk about this. How did you stumble upon this kid that we played in our opening clip? Yeah. He's a special one. Yeah. Amazing. Very fruitful on the internet this last week.

He's so young. He is such a baby faced, young white kid who is being interviewed on camera by a black guy. And this is just important to note because it applies to this video. And the young kid is super high going through some paranoia, explaining some of his delusions. I mean, we played just a little bit of it. Here's a little more of it. Now, what's up?

Let me know about it. So that was the black guy. Oh, OK. Thanks. Just so you know who's who. That wasn't the white kid. Just because our listeners can't see the clip. Yeah, you can't see.

You got it. Yeah, it's theater of the mind here. Gangster. I want to keep it. That's the white kid. Straight. We need to get his light. The show, homeboy.

Fuck it. I am... They're shooting at night. That's so ridiculous. Now, it's funny that black guy loves this kid as on camera talent. Can I tell you that, first of all, you asked me where I got this from. Just Google drugs. I was looking up this guy that was high on Molly and then it led me down this wormhole

of the best drug videos ever. So type in like crack. That's how we found the guy from last week's last episode's opening. Yes. Math. I think this kid was smoking math. He's smoking math. Right.

And this is what happens when you smoke. You smoke at night and that's why you hear the guy say get in the light because there's like street lights. Okay. He's trying to get him into the light so that he can see him. Not into the light of Jesus. Right. I have proof right here.

What's up? I want to be known. I'm a graffiti artist. Straight up. I smoke weed. Me too. I want to do what the fuck I want to do with my life. Today, I reach your fucking nirvana.

I am 16 years old. Look at my fucking face, motherfucker. Check this out. You reach nirvana? I spray paint. I don't give a shit. I feel you fucking shit. I have proof that a spirit from the outer being is watching me, dude.

Look at my fucking eyes. I am not. I need more light. You got to come look this way and look into the light. Last night? Yes. I tried. I put a gun up to my throat, dude.

Damn. I was about to broke down, but dude, I wrote that last night and I wrote, I had a front page. I had two pages. Front page was the one. We're up to our long. It's like, all right, you can ask these niggas. Sorry.

I'm sorry. It's all good. Did you hear what happened there? Huh? Do you hear what happened? Casey Kasem got in there a little bit. Casey Kasem got in there a little bit. But fucking blue band blue band did that.

So he's really out of his mind. You know, he's kind of talking about the aliens that he's in nirvana. The aliens are watching over what he's doing. He wrote crazy shit on a journal page. Yeah. And then he's like, I put a gun to my mouth and then he drops an n bomb to this guy. He's like, sorry, dude. He drops, he drops his, his cool persona.

He's like, I'm sorry. Yeah. That's the best. That's the best part. Then the guy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, buddy. I didn't mean it. Then the guy totally diffused.

It's all right, man. Everybody says that right here. Everybody says that right here. One, dude, I have proof. Like, all right, you can ask these niggas. Sorry. I'm sorry. Honestly.

It's all good. Y'all use, in San Antonio, y'all use the word niggas a lot. People use what they want to do, you know? People use what they want to do. I feel you. Go ahead. Continue. It don't matter.

Continue. Wow. Who the fuck is that? That's a woman. Dude, I sell weed. You sell weed? I sell mad. I sell pounds, dude.

I'm trying to change this fucking world. Fuck that. Let's get, hold on. What you, hold on. You 16. That's so bad. He's like, oh shit. You know what's fantastic about the interviewer is that he really knows how to egg this kid

on. He's a great interviewer. It's a, it's genius. He's like, oh, oh, like he's really encouraging it. He used the number one rule of being a good interviewer, which is celebrate who you're interviewing. Yes. And if you will.

Absolutely. So you're, if it's, you know, you're beautiful, you're so hot or you're so cool, you're the fucking man, whatever it is about that person, you give them that so that they go, I feel good right now. But my favorite part about when he slips the n-bomb is even in his whacked out state of meth induced lunacy, he realizes like, oh my God, I just said the n-word to a black person and he freaks out. It's the best.

Where? I'm sorry. I swear. I was possessed today. Okay. I don't give a fuck. Who's trying to stop me? I was trying to stop.

That's my little brother. I'm gonna do what the fuck I want. All right. Check it out. Like, this was like, all right, this, this side I have right here, this is proof of that a spirit is watching me, right? Yeah. These are paper.

This right here was not here last night. I swear to fucking God, dude, I did not draw this. Just so you know, it's shown right there. I wrote a front page of when Nirvana hit me, but I went to laser. Yeah. It's fun, right? Yeah. Drugs are fun.

Today's drugs. Or maybe it's because we didn't have the internet when I was a kid, so we didn't get to see all the fun things that happen when you do severely harsh drugs. Yeah. So, that's pretty exciting. What happened to the, because we just got an email about this, about the guy, where's the guy? Ratchet.

Ratchet. Where is that? Ratchet. I couldn't tell you. I'm not sure about that. What's it called? What's the video called? I'm sorry.

I thought you meant like, where's he located in the world? No, no, no. I'm about to tell you. Hold on. So we got an email. Raccoon. Raccoon. Raccoon.

Raccoon. Raccoon. Raccoon. Raccoon. Raccoon. Raccoon. Raccoon. Raccoon.

Raccoon. Raccoon. Now. I'm gonna rat. We got an email from Sara. Rack. Sara. Sara.

In the fucking G. You ready? I'm ready. Yeah, I love it. Just wanted to drop a quick sad note that Rackham, Rackball, funny chicken Willie James is actually dead now. He died. Oh, what a shocker.

He lived in the town. She went to college in Athens, Georgia. Go dogs. And anyways, she wanted to let us know. Isn't that funny? Isn't that wonderful now in this amazing world of the internet that we can play a random clip of a guy I just found on the internet and someone can email us and go, oh, I know this crazy lunatic.

Yep. You can want him hot dog. And you know what? I can tell now it makes sense he's jumping between the hedges. That's what those bushes. What's your name, man? Willie James or a bell known as fucking chicken. Raccoon.

Raccoon. And all of Rackball. Kill it. Rackball. Instead of Akbar, he says Rackbar. That's what it is. Who was to hide now and stankin' chicken? Raccoon.

Raccoon. Raccoon. Raccoon. Here's your favorite part. There you go. I do like that part the best. Horrible. So, I'm trying to find this update.

Hold on, guys. Yeah. I had to switch my phone around. Oh my God. Unbelievable. But anyways, yeah. What's her name? I just said email this.

Sarah Swan also said she loves Chargers of the Game. And I just wanted to point out. There's a new episode up. I have Robert Letal from Black Sports Online. And Justin Reed from WSB in Atlanta. We talk a lot of NFL and college. So, please check out, charge it. Chargers of the Game, man.

Okay. What are you doing? I have to look for this. What? We have so many emails, sorry. I'm trying to find what I had the update I had on Nashville. Oh, yeah. This is what we were saying.

We were alluding to this earlier. All right, yeah. So, we alluded to this earlier that somebody who we thought maybe would be at our... We wanted to come to our Nashville show. It's not going to be there. What do we know? Well, here's what I found out. Matthew sent us this wonderful email.

Stevie, not in Nashville. Oh, where is he then? Oh, dear. He is. Drumroll. Incarcerated. What, Stevie? Oh, no.

Can you believe that? He's the best and Matthew writes, oh, and if you click criminal history, you can see the good stuff. He's a real piece of shit, but people changes. So, Stevie, he's under the Tennessee sex offender registry search right now. It looks like he's balding a lot more. He's got the same glasses on, which is nice in his shot. Is he balding a lot more? Can I see that shot?

Yeah, take a look and... Oh, my God. He doesn't look too good. Oh, no. Yeah, he's gone downhill pretty fast. Those glasses are the same glasses. Same glasses. How do you do that?

And he's got a really long, like a billy goat beard going and long hair in the back. Old top. So, he's back in... Do you want to read his charges to the audience? Sure. So, this is... Yeah, he's messed up, guys. Criminal history here.

Hmm. It looks like he's still a full-blown retard in my book. Yes. He has not changed his yet. Well, this obviously isn't the entire history because this has 2010 sex offender registration violation first offense. Oh. So, it means...

In Tennessee. Well, no, but this is his first offense since being registered. It's 2010. Okay. In other words, after the film, he was served prison time, you get out, you're registered offender. And then he's... Then he committed offense, description, disposition, guilty plea, lesser charge, received zero

years, 11 months, fine, cost paid, suspended, blah, blah, blah. Then 2012, it says sex offender registration violation third offense. So, it's not even the second one in there. What was that? I don't know. But, so he has a... We go right to a third offense. And then, a few months later, he's charged with tampering removal or vandalism of his

monitoring device. That seems to be the most recent charge. Hmm. Well, he's definitely not leaving his house to come to our show. Guilty plea. So, I gotta tell you, hard to believe, not really... I don't believe it. Oh, it has his address here.

Maybe we shouldn't... Homeless. That's what it says. Let me see. Let me see, Steve. Come here. People changes. Not always, buddy.

Wow, this guy is a real piece of shit, huh? Tattoos. Wow, predatory criminal sexual abuse. He drinks. He does. No one. Do you think he still does? Oh, yeah, I'm guessing.

Do you want to read his charges? Didn't I just go in? Oh, yeah, you did. But it doesn't say what it is, really, for first offense. It doesn't specify. Because in the state of California, we have our Megan's Law website, and it's real neat, because you can see exactly what the piece of shit did. Yeah.

Like lewd and lascivious acts with a minor forceful penetration. So, we don't know what he's really doing. People gets mad. Well, the great state of Tennessee is harboring our boy. Good luck to you, Stevie. We hope you see the light. Yeah, get it together, man. Yeah, buddy.

Maybe you should try to stop. He's on that marijuana and whiskey. He gets crazy. Yeah, maybe dial that back a little bit. Maybe I'll change your behavior, you know? Yeah, he's not okay. All right, also in the news, I feel like we almost need to build a jingle for this now, because it's so ridiculous.

This kid deserves a fucking jingle, and then a jingle across the side of his fucking head. We need a piece of shit alert. If anyone can make a bullshit alert sound or something like that. All right, guys, a few of you have sent this in. Breaking news, guess what? Jayden Smith is being a retard once again. This is the latest. This is an Us Weekly.

There's a number of tweets that he sent out. Oh, really? Is it even more than What's In Us magazine? Okay, why don't I start here and then you want to read? Start with the September 5th one, do you have that? Okay, well, here let me read the article. We'll start there, and then we'll work our way back. It's exhausting.

Jayden Smith hasn't properly learned the rules of using capitalization in sentences. Nevertheless, the after-earth star, son to Will and Jada, brother to Willow, blah, blah, blah, thinks school is very uncool. Last week, the budding singer and actor took to Twitter to rant for some reason about school education and the general rules of modern society. Here's his first one. I wish I had, I could step into his mind to understand how highly he thinks of himself. I feel like I have a good idea.

How delusional. He's so highly delusional. Well, let the listeners. Okay, and this is all, he capitalizes the first letter of every word in this tweet. Just so you know, it goes, quote, people used to ask me, what do you want to be when you get older? And I would say, what a stupid question. The real question is, what am I right now?

Okay, the cry kiss star again. He continues. So stupid of you to ask that question. It's so fucking stupid. All the rules in this world were made by someone no smarter than you. So make your own. Right. And that's supposed to be, I mean, you understand that when he writes these, he feels like

I'm so prolific. It's a lot of 15 year old delusion going on here. Maybe some pot. I'm thinking, no, not pot. I'm thinking some drugs. I think it's just, I think I'm awesome. Listen to what I just said, guys. Yeah, he's so deep.

All those rules, people made those rules. Make your own rules. Well, not even that. He says that made by someone no smarter than you, which I kind of, I don't know. There are people that have been much smarter than me that have made some pretty cool stuff like Benjamin Franklin, that motherfucker got lightning in a bottle, invented everything and was one of our leaders. He was smarter than me.

I'm going to give it to Benjamin Franklin. Well, here's one thing I will bet to Jayden that the people that made those rules, smarter than him. I think so. Here's my favorite one. School is the tool to brainwash the youth. And then he adds, which is very conflicting to me, education is rebellion.

So then what is it? If school is a tool to brainwash the youth, then how is education rebellion? It would almost be- It doesn't even make sense. Not being educated would be rebellious. Correct. Education, yeah, this is stupid. Do you know who thinks the same as Jayden Smith, though?

Who has the same opinion? He's the only dad I've ever known. Somebody doesn't like education himself. Or dentistry. He does not like school. Get fish and bass, those frogs. I'm smart. I know what to use.

Something that him and Fungi Chicken would be geniuses in Jayden's world. Jayden's could get Stevie to think like him. This is my favorite part, too. This is my favorite one. Go ahead, go ahead. Don't just think about what he's saying. Think about how you know Jayden must have felt as he expressed this to us. If newborn babies could speak,

they would be the most intelligent beings on planet Earth. Oh, dude, I see what you're saying. Dude, I know what you're saying. Society, man. The man takes it away from you. You're born knowing everything. A baby is like a free spirit. Yeah, man.

Doesn't have any judgments. Yeah, man. Doesn't have any preconceived notions of how things work or operate. And then stuff like learning to read and doing math. All that stuff fucks up your brain, bro. Yeah, man. You don't fucking need it. If just babies were running shit,

they would be the most intelligent people around. I love when people say that bullshit. Just watch a child. A child's curiosity. A child. Inspires me in ways. I see my cat doing what he does. I see my child in the same light.

So this is the addendum to this wonderful thought. Uh-huh. If everybody in the world dropped out of school, we would have a much more intelligent society. So true, Jayden. So true, little 15-year-old boy. Everybody, get off your phones and go do what you actually want to do. I agree with that.

Okay, do what you want to do. That's meaningful. But I don't think we would have a more intelligent society if nobody went to school. And not that I'm saying that you have to go to school to be smart. I don't think you have to be formally educated to be intelligent. But I think it's good that some people do that route. Like my president.

I like that Obama went to Harvard. Didn't he go to Harvard and Michelle? Law. Yeah, he was Harvard Law. Harvard Law Review. The guy was a genius. All that stuff matters to me when you want leadership. So here's the craziest part. So they interviewed, this is a quote,

a parenting philosophy from Jada. This is a direct quote of the Smith family. Quote, I think that specifically in African American households, the idea coming out of slavery, there's a concept of your children being property. And that was a major part

that Jada and I realized with our kids. This is Will Smith telling hot, hot living magazine recently. We respect our children the way we would respect any other person. This is my favorite. Things like cleaning up their room. He would never tell a full grown adult

to clean their room. So we don't tell our kids to clean their rooms. What is that? I don't understand that. I guess the link, he's making the correlation between how black people were considered property as slaves, which is true. And then he carries the logic to saying

that we don't treat our children as property of us. Meaning we don't treat them as slaves. Like you should do this and do that. So we don't make them do things like clean their room because that's an extension of slavery. That's so fucking dumb.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. That's so profoundly stupid. Now I see why this kid is fucking dumb. It's not Jaden's fault. It's mom and dad who are nut bags. And here's the other part. By the way, Obama, Columbia University degree

and then Magna Cum Laude Harvard Law. See, you know how fucking hard it is to get into Harvard Law. But it has no impact on his intelligence. The schooling is not tied into anything. And Michelle was Harvard Law as well. I believe they met at Harvard.

P.S., do you know what I love about Barack? Is that he started out a community college kind of guy and he worked his way up, which I have even more admiration for. She went to Princeton and Harvard Law. But you don't want those people

making decisions for our country, do you? You want a guy who dropped, who didn't finish high school. We should be clear that just because you went to those schools doesn't mean that you're great at what you do. And he certainly has done

a lot of things that a lot of people disagree with. I don't think he's doing a particularly phenomenal job in a lot of things right now. And so I'm just saying that the two aren't necessarily correlated, but it does influence and impact

people when you have... Listen, I want my rulers, I want my people making decisions to be super-educated. I want them to be book smart, because you gotta know history in order to make history. So I think that stuff is logically coherent. You know what, there's this other

thing I read about the Smith family, which is so ridiculous. Did they dress like assholes all the time? That's the other thing. But their audacity is they started this in the San Fernando Valley where I grew up. They started like a new think type of school where they had like

unorthodox educational methods and they dumped millions of dollars into this ridiculous school in the Valley and of course it closed like last June or something, because what respectable parent is going to be like, yeah, I want the Smiths to educate my kid so crazy.

So this kid doesn't have to go to school though, right? I bet they're one of these like, we don't need home school. He's so smart. We just give him pride. He just does what he wants to do. Jaden just does what he wants to do. It's so crazy, man. It's so fucking crazy.

He's on such a different level than these other kids. Can I tell you my prediction for Jaden? I love parents like that. My kids are so different. You get that a lot with young, like with babies. They're like, he's just really smart. He picked up that thing and like he just knew what it was.

And then he just started to gnaw on it, but he knew that he was gnawing on wood. It was really interesting. Everyone thinks their child is the most gifted. I totally understand that. He's 16 months old and he's just eating hair out of the trash. It's amazing. But my prediction for

Jaden, mark my words. Yes. Okay. The level of ego and delusion at 15. It's crazy. I do think he's going to spin out. I think we're going to see him in rehab by 18 because I do think part of this is

drug field. I think that he's yes, because the level of delusion it is it's amplified. It's amplified. This isn't normal celebrity kid delusion. This is a little higher cranked up rehab by 20. He's going to go out like the quarries by the time he's in his 30s.

I think he's going to go downhill real fast. Thank God he has probably a hundred million dollar trust fund. I know. Because that guy is so his dad has so much money. How much do they have those two? Will Smith has been at the top

of the movie star charts that game for like 15 years now. Pretty long time. So unreal. Like he's a guy who got you know, I mean he obviously got paid on his TV show but then

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air TV money is always better than movie money unless you are above the line. If your name is above the title, that's when movie money is crazy. He became a guy like that about 15 years ago

and then he now not only has his name above the title, he also produces the film. So he makes extraordinary money. He's a writer, producer, director, singer, songwriter. He actually is the guy that does all those things.

He's one of the guys. He's one of the few guys that is all those things. And I got it honestly. I like watching him in movies. He's great. I like Men in Black. I think he's a fantastic movie star. He's a super talent. Good looking guy.

He's really talented. But why does everybody in the family, why does his jizz have to be talented? Why? They insist on this shit man. I bet you she has a big hand in that. You know what? Our kids are not like other kids. That's right. She holds this family together

no matter what. She condones him cheating because Will's going to do what Will's going to do. Remember that whole... You gotta look yourself in the mirror. Remember that? She knows what's up. Look if you can look at yourself in the mirror. And that guy interviewing her

was like... Something's wrong. She sounded like Claire Huxable right there because Claire would get saucy like that too You eat your hoagies? Cliff, you know you have high blood pressure. You cannot be eating them hoagies. Alright, you can have a pudding pop.

So well. So, speaking of ridiculous television shows and ridiculous people in show business Look, I gotta be honest. I almost had a goddamn cardiac arrest when I saw

I was flipping through the TV and I saw that of all people of all the people in show business, of all the very funny talented people we know millions of people the fucking

shaky jeans Michael J.Fox This has really been in you. Oh, I hate it. Michael J.Fox is starring in a new sitcom. Yeah. Why? Why do we have to I loved him in the 80s. I loved

him in Teen Wolf. I loved him in Back to the Future. He's sick. He looks terrible. And I don't want to watch a guy who's obviously struggling with some debilitating. I don't want to watch it it fucking bums me out, man. And give a sitcom to any one of our

friends or to us for that matter. Not to fucking shake you. There's a good reason Michael Henry needed to go back to work. You know what I'll do? I called my wife on her cell phone and she was straight in this whole thing up. What? No, 911. No, I didn't call 911. You know what I did? I called 917

but I missed out. My drugs haven't kicked in. You're fine. I'm fine. Hello. Staying at home was just too dangerous. I'm fine. I said I was fine on the phone. Doesn't matter. We have to respond since we're both here. Can I get you to sign an autograph? My uncle's got Alzheimer's. And I see a Parkinson's.

He looks really rough. He looks terrible and so this is a stupid fucking, the premise is like we're basing it on his real life struggle with Parkinson's. Who the fuck wants to watch a guy with Parkinson's making a joke of it? It's such a bummer. It's like

someone with cancer, we're going to watch that one. He was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma, but he's back. No, no, no. Let him rest. Let Michael J. Fuck sleep this off. He clearly wants to do this. I don't want to watch it. Who the fuck wants to watch him shaking around. You can't even understand

what the fuck he's saying and everything. I don't want to watch it. What? I don't want to watch it either. I don't want to watch it. But who's... It's hard to watch. I feel pain empathy for him. He goes like this a lot. It's really weird.

For 20 years he's poured everything he had into work. Now he pours it all into us. Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up. No, now, so it looks like he's a newscaster. He's not playing himself. Wake up, wake up.

A lot of people who are soon to set the table. Are you wearing that? Were we driving to Zamboni to school? In the groups of rap, Ma and Pa Joe escaped the Dust Bowl. This is his fake family on the show. My dad's condition is the Dust Bowl of my family. I'm failing you. The whole thing was manipulative. You can be my hero daddy.

I'm beg to differ. He's from Pennsylvania. He's not as funny as he thinks he is. He wears hats like they just fell off a shelf in a store in whatever way it landed on his head. He just keeps it like that. You're just going to let it sit like... What? It's a hat.

Oh, my God. It looks so bad. Enough with the kale. We get it. You're white. You put those things away. You're sharing the kids. What's up, Aunt Leigh? You catch more flies with honey. You're going to give the flies diabetes. I love you, bro.

Thanks, man. Thanks for that. There's no one who doesn't love you. Harris. He delivers all of his lines. With a shaky head. You know... There's just not enough actors. There's not enough young up-and-comers.

They need to give Michael J. Fox another fucking show. Hey, I got a pitch. Bratch it. I would rather watch the funky chicken crack guy than Michael J. Fox try to deliver. And listen, I have nothing but empathy

for his illness. I am not shitting on this man's illness. Believe me, I know it's not a joke. But to watch him on television, it's very difficult. And I don't know why they just go... Just stop. Just stop. Stop it. Stop being on TV.

Like when Dick Clark had his stroke and he was still insisting on doing the rockin' New Year's Eve and you're like, what are you doing? Why are you still on television? What's the problem? What do you mean?

Please stop it. There's a guy that you don't even know about that... Well, this guy you know about. He has a show coming this fall. This guy's amazing. I would watch that every episode. This guy has a...

And the Parkinson's jokes? How many Parkinson's jokes can you write? Like, hey dad, what are you doing? I'm just shaking around. What are the awful jokes going to be? This guy is... He has television gig now.

It's just so weird that he's allowed to talk on TV. His name is Lee Corsa. He does football. In your life, you can encounter people like this guy who we should take off TV now. Stop it.

Well, and especially if your job is to communicate with people, if you can't talk and you can't communicate effectively, you can't do the job of being on television. Of course. So, same thing with that Morley Safer. He's a droopy dog.

I don't know why he's still on television. At least he just looks like it. He can still talk. Yeah. Poor Michael. Just rest. God damn it, man. Just fucking take a nap, bro.

Yeah. These guys, I totally agree. I've been watching Game Day and it's like you listen to this guy. Let's see if you can pick up. I've been watching Game Day and we've been here for six months. This is the last time

Michigan and Notre Dame are going to play here. Let's take and listen to what the Michigan coach had to say about that. His speech is really notably worse. He had a stroke. You're watching the game.

You're drinking a few. It's hard to pay attention. This is the pregame and they're saving him now. This is a coveted job. This should go to somebody who's I get it. You have contributed a lot and they've let him have a couple years

on the air since his stroke. It's like, all right. Now you're not even sure what you're saying. If you're a beloved sports figure the audience doesn't want to say goodbye to you. I understand that. Yeah. You know what it is?

It's narcissism. It's narcissistic. It's self-indulgent and have some fucking dignity. You know when beauty queens age, for instance, nobody has seen what's that blonde when Brigitte Bardot.

Brigitte Bardot was one of the most beautiful women I think of all time and you don't see pictures of Brigitte Bardot. You know why? Because she got old and she got fat and she knew when to step out of the light. She knew when to go, you know what? I'm gonna let that legacy

speak for itself. I'm not gonna tarnish. There's no reason to keep going when you're past it, man. Just fucking hang it up. God damn it. They put Kirk Douglas on TV. Oh my god.

Stroke. I don't think stroke is anything to laugh at. I'm saying that like, that's when you don't perform on television anymore. Where are you on television? There are days when they don't do my hair right and I don't want to be on television. You know when the hair lady fucks it out you're like, I don't really want to be on TV looking like this.

But to have a stroke and the audacity. Oh my god. Is he dead yet? Is he dead? Thank god. What the fuck out of here, Dick Clark? He was really bad. I wish I had a clip of him

speaking. What a narcissist. That Dick Clark was such a narcissist and people bought into that phony bullshit. America just ate that up. He was like, New Year's Robin. He's the lamest fucking guy. Yeah.

He was terrible. Is this when he was doing it still? I think he was still doing it after a year. It's my honor to welcome back right now Mr. Dick Clark. Dick. This is my

37th year in Times Square. In the party, it's been a great way to start a new year and a brand new decade. It is the best party in the world.

What the fuck are you saying right now? You know who I would prefer hosting it? It's the lady with foreign accent syndrome. I'd rather listen to her. That's a New Year's Robin Eva. Yeah.

Put on your party dress as a New Year's Eva. This is a new year for everybody. Celebrate. We got countdown. 10, 9,

10, 7, 8, 5, 3, 2. Honestly, I watch television. I try to watch it. It's un-fucking-watchable. I feel like

network television at least is such garbage. It's such a garbage dump. I have not actually heard my voice in the conversation for nearly three years now. For a year now? For a year now. It was just

to me what's even funnier is how fired up you were about this show and how you're going to watch it. The only one who misses you, Mike. You should come back to work. He's forgetting why I left. Do you remember the rolling chair thing? Do you spend your time worrying about the worst case scenario? And it actually happens. You've lifted twice.

And with that, I'll leave you the same way I have every night for the last 11 years. Stay in form, New York. Nightly news is next. Come on, just think about it. It's so maddening. And this is what the network's put on as opposed to

anybody else working in comedy right now. Any one of our friends who we've had on this show would make a better TV show than this fucking shit pile Michael J. Fox crap. Isn't it like absurd? It is absurd. It is absurd.

It's maddening and we pitch shows constantly and they're like, nah, but nobody knows you guys. Everybody loves Michael J. That's exactly the sentiment. We know old shaky jeans, but we don't know you. So he's familiar and that's why? 100%.

Makes me want to give up. Coming this fall to CBS, Stephen Hawking, your favorite dad and scientist. Dad, come in. What's that? Dad. This

department needed to come this fall. My favorite wheelchair dad. So awful. And if it's successful, it's going to spawn

more series of people that we don't watch anymore coming back dying people. That's the sick and dying sick calm genre. We have to watch fucking fat Kirstie Ali come back. Didn't they try to do that when she was, you know, she loses weight,

she gains weight. They tried that last time where she was like, I'm a fat actress and this thing was like, I'm the fat fucking pig. Super fucking fat. You remember her before she got fat, but now she's back and she's fatter than ever. How much airman calories are in this?

Watch or get even fatter this season. Fat fucking pig. Who do we bring back? I like the love boat. Remember when Julie, the stewardess or whatever, Julie was all coked up back in the 80s. We bring back Julie now and she's all fucking

dead and sick. I like when guys are bloated and boozing. You know who I really liked was the guy, he was on the first Dr. Drew rehab show and he was in Greece and he was dead now. Yeah, he's dead, but if he hadn't died

and he was real angry and like on a lot of pills and he had a chair, everything hurts, him and then he would cry too. That would be a funny show. I'd watch that and like they just keep

pumping him full of drugs every episode. And then they do the next episode and they put him in withdrawal and he was like I said, give me the fucking coffee you want. And he's vomiting on himself all rageful. You fucking cunts. I was in Greece.

Yeah, or if the what I would love to see is like everybody that was on those 80s shows with severe drug problems now. Like the cast of different strokes, if they were all alive would be fantastic now. That's what they're going to do. That's the next episode.

They're taking like the facts of life, bringing 2D and fat fucking and they all come back and their unblair is fat and old now and Natalie's just a thousand pounds in a wheelchair.

Mrs. Garrett's long dead. But they still have her dead body there and they stick dildos in it when they walk by. Wait a minute. Their dead body is on the kitchen table and when they have an argument

they have to fuck it with a dildo. Wait, that's not for network TV. Yeah, and they fuck it with a dildo with a mouth with a mouth strap dildo. Wait, but is 2D on roller skates? Yes.

She has to wear the roller skates. And she has heel does on. Oh, I'd like those. Yeah, those are dildos on the back of your heels. Thank you, I figured that. I put that together. Or chill those. Why don't we do Fantasy Island? That midget's dead.

The only midget alive is Webster. He's still alive. Yeah, because what you're talking about Willis is dead. Manuel Lewis is alive. Let's get us to come. Why doesn't he have one? Hey, you little black cute son of a bitch.

You remember how cute and black and little he was? He's still black and little. They could do the promo for that could be like blacks are blacks are the cutest when they're small. And

guess who never grew up? It's your favorite little black cute kid. He's a human. He's 48. Yeah. Yeah, and he wants to go. What's the premise of his show? Everyone's like, you're an adorable

no, his new premise is like everybody's like, I want to adopt a black kid. And he's like, I think I could trick them into thinking. Wait, because he's been unemployed for so long that now he needs to get readopted by another white family. Another white family and he has to pretend to be a kid. And now it's trendy.

It's super trendy. Oh, right. So he sneaks in. I love this. He gets he gets a flight to Namibia and then he sneaks into an African orphanage. Oh, I like it. Yeah. And then and then like he has he has so many adult

vices that like he smoked and watched porn. And then he has to hide the vices all the time. And then this family a white a rich white family comes to adopt an African kid and he like just knows how to like cute it up, cute it up for them. So he like bats his eyes

and he says like catch phrases to like, I don't know what you're talking about. And they're like, oh, he's so cute and black. And they see him smoking and they go, you're smoking and he thinks that the he's fucked. But he's like, I watch American movies and they're like, it's our fault

and they feel bad that they got him. Right. Or he's like that smoking kid in Asia. Yeah. That baby. Yeah. He's pretty he's pretty fat now. Yeah. Well, yeah. And they're like, he's not getting the nutrition he needs. His belly so distended and swollen from hunger.

He's like, yeah, that's exactly right. And then they bring him back to America. Yeah. And he's got bitches coming in and out of his room that he's got. So the whole the whole premise is that now he's got to he's got to live his awful adult life like his degenerate life.

Yeah. He's basically red band people call he's red band. Right. People call him to collect debts and they're like, where the fuck are you? And he tells them like to meet. He's like, they're like, how'd you get this house and you do have money? He's like, nah, man, I got it. Man, I'm 11 years old, man.

I would watch every episode. And what do we call it? New Webster or this is it's called this is your last rendezvous. Rendezvous. Your last rendezvous.

See, we should we got to pitch this. We got to remix every old here's how we walk in. We walk in in the studios looking as we go. What's cuter than a black kid before they get attitude? What's the cutest thing? Webster, he's back. He's blacker

and cuter than ever. He's an African kid. He gets adopted. Give us six seasons go and they'll be like, absolutely. You know what? Webster is the cutest. You're right. We all love Webster. You loved him in the 80s. You're going to love him in 20.

I love pitching him this idea as a a cable where we can really push it. This show on like showtime or HBO. The best show on television. For sure. Why do we say this on air? We need to write this down. This is just like

our other movie idea. You know what we should do is start programming an entire network with all of our awesome ideas. But they all revolve around making fun of black people. Webster, what do you think of? It's so loud, Ron Able! Do you like it?

We have to spread it out. We have to mix it up. Oh, and porn stars. We like to make fun of girls who are high and giving blowjobs for money. Yes, we like porn stuff. We like porn sounds. I think of all the sounds I've been playing. I like this one the most lately.

Oh my gosh. Oh, man. This is really nice. I got to pee real bad. That is our show. A big shout out. Hopefully I will see Mr. Hazardous

this weekend. This is a song. I don't want to lose you from his LP, Dangerous Goods. Hazardous I hope I'm seeing you

as I'm in Toronto. Anyways, thank you guys for listening. Have a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful day. Hip hop, my love. I don't want to lose you. Too many fakes in this game trying to abuse you.

Ain't nothing new though. It's the same old story. You want the fortune and fame. We fight for pride and glory. We live and breathe this music every day. While promoters try to make us pay to play. That shit is ass backwards. Learn to do business. You'll soon see the light and ask for forgiveness.

We all know real hip hop ain't on the radio. Cause if it was, this should surely they be playing, yo. Not being egotistical, that's just how I feel. We could be successful without signing a deal. Fuck the glitz and glamorous all about the love that we have for this art form.

It's like a drug. Squad up, stand strong as a unified force. Keep this momentum going and throw the fake off course. I don't want to lose you. I can't live my life without you. I don't want to lose you. Cause I know I couldn't make it without you. I don't want to lose you.

I can't live my life without you. I don't want to lose you. Cause I know I couldn't make it without you. I don't want to lose you. If I did, I'd bored as shit. I'd no longer be recording it. I need it like a fix. I'm hooked like a chorus on this hip hop shit.

My mic grips the colders like Nora. My drums go deep into the bones. A beat plus a pen and pad I get into a zone. Turn tables, a mixer and a crate of vinyl. Chop it up with faders and dials. Sandflake from obscure sources and dusty ones. Produced with impatiens with fat and crunchy drums. Record the vocals.

Mix and master in the sound insane studio. I'm a disc rafter and sort of like a pastor on the mic. Master for sight clown rappers have me laughing all night. They don't treat it with respect. But I do so I'll never lose her. The next room here is when I do her. I don't want to lose you. I can't live my life without you.

I don't want to lose you. Cause I know I could make it without you. Cause I don't want to lose you. I can't live my life without you. I don't want to lose you. Cause I know I could make it without you.