Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 159-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

These jeans need a wash. After a weeklong mini-tour of the South the mommies are back home and telling you how it all went down. Fast food and faster dumps. A pee latch for you car? Super fans and super douche bags - it's all out there. We talk about the joy of BBQ sauce and the horror of long drives and we even have to continue giving you that Jada Pinkett Knowledge, knaw meen? Twitter haters, we feel you. Your hate has hit home. Now please go find some love in your life. That's an order from your mother! We want to thank each and every one of you that came to our shows. May the denim be with you. And keep your feet off the dash, please. 

Well, I don't know if you can. Can I hear you speaking to the thing? Speaking to your mother. Don't say that. Do you want to hear my joke for my popsicle stick? Sure. What do you call two elephants talking? What do you call two elephants talking? Trunk, trunk, trunk to trunk, talking and.

I know where you're going in the trunk. What's in the get out of the trunk? What's that? What is the joke? Get it? It's going to be a heavy discussion. Yeah. I didn't say I wrote it. It's on the popsicle. Why did you write that joke?

You're going to do that. You're going to do that on your album. It's my big closer, guys. This is what I close with. You didn't like it. I write these. Who do you? What comedian? Do you think it's paid to write the jokes on these popsicle sticks?

Somebody doing morning radio right now. Chunky and the Gator. Remember the guy that used to work at the back door bakery? Yeah, he was a comic dog. And after I met him and he told me one time, I was like, I do stand up. And he was like, oh, I used to stand up. And I was like, really? The next week, I saw his head shot in a club on the road.

It's so bizarre. That's very weird. Are we going to talk dates? We don't have to. I mean, it's really more. Your decision. Mommy Jean. Oh, all the way.

Oh, no, that's why. That's really loud. All right, I'll pull it down. It's too loud. OK. Jeans, if you're hearing this, the day that it drops, which bless you. Oh, mommy. This is the big one.

This is the big shebang. This is a huge mommy Jean's show. We are in San Francisco this Sunday, October 6th, Cobb's Comedy Club. We are doing both the podcast and stand up comedies. So come out, enjoy yourself. Starts at 7 30 p.m. So you guys will be out. It's a school night.

I understand that. Can I throw something extra on this, though? We've really told everyone all our agents, managers, this club that San Francisco is like one of our top, top spots. Yeah. And we know you're going to come through for us. But I want to ask you this, if you haven't already got a ticket, you're planning to get it's fine.

Bring somebody, bring a friend. We're going to put on a great show for you. I promise. Yeah, it's going to be super fun. We're super pups. Bring somebody, though. Let's make it a spectacular night. Yeah, bring your friends, bring your mom's friends.

That's all I wanted to throw out there. Okay. That's good. Uh, after that, guys, this mommy turns around and she goes to the Syracuse funny bone in Syracuse, New York, October 9th through 12th week. After that, I'm in Des Moines, uh, Iowa at the Des Moines, Funny Bone, October 16th through 19th, and then let's do it. Let's go to San Diego, October 25th through 27th, the Madhouse

comedy club in San Diego, California. That's what's up. That's what's up. It's a packed October. You guys, yeah, really fun. What about you? Oh, Twitter at Christina P at Tom's to grow up. Please.

But I know, I know some of you are like, I'm a grownup. Why do I have to get on Twitter? You know, cause we post stuff there. Yeah, you should. If you don't listen to every episode, sometimes we come to your city and we post it on Twitter. That's right. Um, here's the deal done data.

Um, this week, I'm going to be, well, obviously with Christina P and man, Fran does go at cobs on Sunday. That's not how you say it. October 10th through 12 comics at Fox was comedy club and casino. Um, the following week, I'm going to go to Houston with Joe Rogan. That should be exciting. October 18th in Houston. Um, then I have a, I'm going to do the weekend before I shoot a special.

I'm going to do a local show October 2nd, or no, excuse me, November 2nd and 3rd in LA when those tickets are up next week, I'll tell you where I hope you come see me do an hour in LA before I shoot. And I also will announce how you can get tickets to that. The only reason I haven't announced it is because they haven't told me. So it's not like I'm keeping it from you. All right. That's that jeans.

Oh, that's it. That's it. We did it. We did it. We mommied out. That's right. And keep going to the site. I'm saying October the week of October 16, 17, 18, there'll be two new shirts on

the website. Um, they're going to be awesome when you see how we saw how they look, they're getting made. And I would say very different from a departure from the colors and the things we've done. They're radical. Radical super rad, super rad. Um, so yeah, follow Twitter, Facebook, do all that shit.

Let's start this goddamn show. Okay. You and George both made me daddy's, but there's only one mommy. This shit is big time. Who is Ramsey? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura, and Christina Pazitza, and

Christina Pazitza. Welcome to your mom's house. And work and go and punch, go, five, it out, five, six, seven, eight, jazz or size all day, nine, let's go now. I like when you did that online. Here, do you want to hear me make a really good fart sound? Tom, Tom, Tom, pay attention. Pay attention.

Do you want to hear me make the best fart sound you ever heard? Why do you even have to ask that? Of course I want to hear you do that. Okay, ready? Yeah, there it goes. That's really good. Did it? It's a very strong fart, though.

That's a very intense, you know, we need, we need a Bristol fart chart. We have a Bristol stool chart. Yes, we need a fart chart. I sneezed and farted yesterday. It hurt my asshole so much. Was that in the hotel room? Yes, I sneezed and I farted so hard. You were like, it came out so hard.

I was like, ah, it's like it snapped my, it's like somebody took a rock and pulled back a rubber band and fired it right at my asshole. It really hurt. I know what you're talking about. Oh, I get those too. There's a sneeze forced it out so hard, you would never push that hard. Normally I was like, God damn, I'm lucky there wasn't a turd right behind that one because that would have been everywhere.

It's like, uh, like sometimes get, I get like an asshole cramp. Yeah, that's what that is. Huh? Like a butthole cramp. Yeah, I guess like a sharp, like a stabbing pain. It's a sharp pain in your butthole. I've had that from farting too hard. No, usually when I get cramps, I sometimes women, my friends have said

they get it too when you get menstrual cramps. It's like you get a stabbing pain in your butthole. Yeah, really? Yeah, horrible. It's terrible. This is one of the awful things that happens. I wish I could transfer my fart to you so you could feel what it was like to fart like that.

I really wish you could. I really wish I could make you fart the way I farted yesterday. If only you could fart the way I fart. Now, the reason you brought up because we did something we've actually never done. Yeah, and that's through a hundred and fifty eight episodes for the first time. This is a different episode for us. The one we're doing right now because basically this is out of our love of doing the show and for our listeners.

We've been on the road for almost a week straight. You have to make the road dog bark the full shrunk. A week straight and we were going to record in the hotel and make it like a road, road, road, road past, road cast, and then, you know, shit just happened. We ended up not being able to do that. So we just arrived back home and we're doing this podcast just because we love you and we love doing it. Of course, that's you.

We are. We just got in. I mean, this literally just got in two hours ago. We've had the craziest. Here's the routing. I used to tell them the routing. Yeah, yeah, we'll start there. The routing is last week.

We get up Friday morning. We go to the airport. We fly to Columbus. That's in Ohio, in case you didn't know the next day we drive from Columbus. Now they rerouted us. This wasn't the original routing. They fucked us on this. And this is a fun part of it.

Here's the fun part. That Saturday we have off. We go Columbus to Birmingham, Alabama. That's about eight or nine hours. Right. Eight. Yeah, yeah, that was a long, long day, long day. Then we got to double back on Sunday.

No, Sunday, we do Birmingham. Then Monday, we got to drive back to Nashville, which we drove and driven through on the way to Birmingham. It's not as nice. It's nice for the second time around. I love driving back. Yeah, I like that too. Because I got to see all the things I missed the first time.

I like that too. Like the piglet wigglies and the bow jangles. What's your wha? Oh, are you what? Then we go to from Nashville. We drive to Atlanta, which would have been much when you say Atlanta might have been much easier drive from Birmingham, which we were supposed to do, but we got to drive from Nashville, which was different and fun and longer and longer.

And you know what? Why not spend more time in the car with the one you love and just when you think the road trip is done? No, the next day we drove from Atlanta to Charlotte, the Queen city. And then today we woke up in Charlotte and we flew to Cincinnati. And then we got off a plane and we got on another plane and we flew to Los Angeles. And tomorrow I get to go to Ontario. Yeah, yeah, California for all you.

Canucks that are going to ask me if I'm in Canada or Canadians. Yes. Yeah. And Sunday we fly to San Francisco and not this is not a complaint. No, it's just we're just telling you the route show. Yeah, this is the routing. The routing wasn't fucking retarded. Yeah, it was like it started off initially.

The offer was like, this is sensible. And then things get fucking crazy. And we end up driving double doubling back, but it's all right. Now here's the thing. Yeah, one, like one of the things we have a lot to talk about, but one of the things we got to do that we've literally never done through 158 episodes is we had so much time in the car. We decided we would listen to our last episode, our own podcast, our own

podcast, listen to one, I don't know. I have to imagine people have done that. Well, we've never done it before, but there are some comedians who like love the sound of their own voice and love to listen to them. I'm not, I hate, I, you know, many of you have written me wonderful tweets, letting me know how much you hate my voice. Believe me, I hate my voice more than you hate my voice. Yeah, everybody hates their own voice.

I mean, I'm with you in that camp. I don't like my own voice. I don't like the way I sound. I think you have a wonderful radio voice. It's very gravelly and gravelly. It's like masculine. It sounds like, um, just like it's got a pair of nuts on it. Like you're just, yeah, you've got a good, I mean, maybe if I try to make

mine more feminine, hold on. Okay, go for it. Like, is that like, oh my God. Perfect, perfect. Or should I talk like a damaged porno girl? Sure. Wait, how do you do porno? Porno girls like up here.

That's good. Yeah. I like that. Is that more feminine? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that's good. So I can't do that.

That's really good. You're so like a, come. I like him down. No, but I mean, whatever. But the funny thing was that we actually, this sounds super narcissistic, but we actually had a good time, like laughing at ourselves and with ourselves a little bit. We kind of enjoyed it.

I think what we really, I really enjoyed more than anything was listening to the Jada Pinkett Smith audio. That was a really good one to listen to. Cause you only hear it. We hear it the first time here together, just react. And then I had even more reactions in the car. It didn't register the same. Like it had more of an impact on us listening to the show.

Yeah. Cause you're like, why did I wish I would have said this because listening to it, you just, you realize how nutty that family is and how far gone they are from reality. Oh, I know. Can we read this? Yes, of course. And then we'll get into the, the, the, the day-to-dayness of this trip.

Thank you. Thank you so much for tweeting this to us. Um, I don't know who did of course, as usual, we just saw us when we got on the plane. Yeah. We just read this on the plane. I mean, do you want to read this or should I, you can read it. Absolutely.

And it's a great point cause somebody wrote, um, one of our listeners wrote underneath it, like, oh, now you know why they're a kid. Fuck it. And then we agree. Like if your parents are this wackadoo, then fucking so are you. Yeah, bro. Okay. So this is, remember we talk about, I don't know if you, if you haven't heard

our past episodes, Tom and I are big on not oversharing on Facebook. Yeah. I think it's a really, it's a red flag. It's, it's a sign of that you're not stable. Yeah. Of course it is. Don't, don't share your inner most with, with the, the inner, like the internet man, your coworkers, your boss can see this shit.

Like it's an indicator of your, your level of your skills at judgment, where you judge to put things. Right. This is a public forum. Clearly. It's a public forum. And yes, you can control who's your friend and who isn't your friend. Right.

It's still a public space. Cause here's the thing, like even I have two, I have like a few profiles, one of which is very private, only people I actually know in real life. Yeah, I should have done that. High school, like high school, college, if we don't know each other for real, for real, we're not there. And there's people on there from my high school that, that really overshare. And guess what?

We all talk shit about her. We all are like, oh my God, did you read that fucking? Yeah. Stacey's out of her mind. Okay. Here's a new one. This is from Jada Pinkett Smith. She shared this on Facebook.

This must be her fan page. We're obviously like her public. Right. This is for the entire private. So it's her public fan page. Yes. Right. Right.

Uh, this is written for the entire Facebook. For world to see the world, world to see woke up this morning. And this is what you get to read from Jada Pinkett Smith. This is what she's sharing. Here it goes, guys. Let me see if I can get into her character. Hold on. Let me get there.

You can do whatever it is you want to do as long as you can look in the mirror. Very good. Very good. This morning, I woke up to the screeching howl of my husky outside. His howls mirrored my broken, empty heart that plagued me this morning. I woke up missing so many people, so many things from my past. This morning I missed the nights I would fall asleep to my grandmother playing moonlight sonata in the living room below my bedroom.

And I thought of all my friends and loved ones. I had lost a violence, accidents, jail or drugs. I thought of all the many people who had been in my life for a season, teachers, friends who I no longer have contact with. I mourn the distance between myself and the world because we are all our own universe where we experience realities that are not always understood by others. Well, clearly we're not understanding her reality. This morning I cried and I cried and I mourned, but these tears were like rain

on my soul because after the allowance of my tears came my gratitude for all that is and for all that was my tears also gave me gratitude for the understanding that emotions are like storms. They pass and the sun does rise again, smiley face. Have your feelings. They don't kill us. Happy Weds. Period.

Jay. Yeah. Whatever. So yeah, we ain't a lot of McDonald's on this trip. I'm just so bored by the time I just want to tell her, I think you're really boring. I don't know. I mean, I'm not sure what the motivation is behind that. You know, is that, is that her gift to the world?

Did she just grace us with excellence there? You get, I think when you live, you are successful and you live with somebody super successful and you get your ass kissed a lot. It's one of the problems that happens with celebrity is that you feel like every fucking thought that you have is just profound and will have an amazing impact on everybody. I feel like she, and in that Oprah interview that you sent, like you can hear like how everything she says is like, does that register in, you know,

the journey and all this shit? Yeah, you know, there's, okay. Cause I, she wants all this to sound like Oprah. Well, here's the thing. I love me some Oprah. Yeah. I, I love Super Soul Sundays masterclass. Now here's the thing.

When she has actresses on telling me how to live a spiritual life, an actress, somebody who acts paid to pretend, to pretend to play make believe for a living and say other people's dialogue that they haven't even written for themselves. You want me to take spiritual cues from this person? It makes no sense. It really makes no sense. No, no, give me Deepak Chopra.

Give me some nice Indian guy or, or a little hobbit like Eckhart Tolle. I don't, I don't want to hear actors telling me stuff. I know, I always feel the same way when, when they have an actor doing a big interview and, you know, a big actors on, uh, whatever a CNN show, Larry King or Pierce Morgan or Charlie Rose, and they go, uh, what do you think of, you know, Afghanistan and the actor tells you, and this is fine. And then when they tell you, I always go, well, who cares? Like, why would I get all worked up whether or not I, I mean,

he's an actor. Right. What, why are we putting so much weight into what he says? Right. Who gives two fucks what Sean Penn thinks about Ecuador? Sean Penn gets back from fucking Iraq. He said, I checked it out. Everything's cool.

All right. That's Sean Penn. Why are we acting like the state department sent him over? Spicoli gave us a thumbs up on the Iraq situation. Yeah, they should, they should be like, that's very interesting. That's nice. What do you, and what do you think of fucking, you know, grass growing? Is that something you enjoy?

Go play a retarded person in a movie and win an award for it. Please go do what you're good at. Like it's an impact. Yeah. Go do what you're good at asshole. Um, so yeah, so this trip, we got to listen to our own show. So it is a, I literally, here's the thing. And I have a subscription on my phone, a prescription, a prescription, a

prescription on our, my phone to see, to make sure that they post it. So when I post them, I go, oh, they're there. So I have all these shows and never listen to them. I don't fucking sit around and listen to our show. No, it was really surreal. It's like listening to your own album. Remember when you like, oh God, listen to your album and you're like, oh my God. It's like you're, you're judging every beat of your album, every pause.

It's awful. Yeah. So it's very uncomfortable, but the, the nice thing of the show is having the break of playing like Jada Pinkett audio and going like, oh, this is actually enjoyable. Yeah. I commended us on our choice of topics. I think somebody else, I don't remember this was somebody else.

Um, did you see this tweet? It was just, it wasn't too long ago. They sent a tweet and they said, um, here, I want to read it to you. He, they said, he said, it was retarded. That is retarded. People with cerebral palsy are mentally disabled. And I was like, what, what is retarded? And he wrote an IQ below 75.

And I said, no, you said that is retarded in reference to what? And this guy, Brack Hildreth said on YMH, someone said that's people with cerebral palsy were retarded. That is dumb. I would have to listen to it with you, but my thinking, I don't recall this. I know I didn't say it. I'm, you know what, I say dumb shit, but you might have said it as a joke. Yeah.

I don't think I ever meant, I think we know the difference between retarded people and people with cerebral palsy, cerebral, however you say it. Come on, come on. So you say so retarded, retarded palsy. Sir, Bill, I don't think it was serious. No, I don't think it was serious. And if it was serious, then it's about a retarded person. You guys, this is a very serious podcast.

We only discuss really serious things like mental retardation and black people yelling and bowel movements. I mean, don't, don't fucking tweet us on, on issues. Come on, come on. What are you fucking? He's probably got retardation. That's why. Yeah.

Well, look, man, we know that we know that you're fucking tweets. Okay. Whoa. No, no, save it for your therapist. Take, take, take it in. Take what in? No, I mean, it's so clearly these, listen, these people that are angry on Twitter. If you, I don't think he's angry.

No, no, no, but I'm saying, you know, you choose to project your feelings and lash out, can I tell you one that I've been milking on for a while? Let me finish my thought. Hold on. I'm saying if you, if you choose to fuck with a public figure and to lash out at them and project your own bullshit, your, your, your, your mommy issues, your daddy issues, that's on you, boo. You need to see a fucking therapist the end.

Go ahead, Tom. Okay. The, the one, yeah, I think this guy just actually just misunderstood what we were saying, but never let the one that I've been like really fucking harping on for a while. Well, back we talked about camping and how much we fucking hate camping and never want to go camping and fucking think camping sucks. And a couple of people were like, you're wrong about camping.

And I go, I remember I was talking to you and I was like, how am I wrong about what I don't like? I don't like it. You don't have to agree. You can love camping. But do you know what would change your mind? A tweet telling you how stupid you are to not like camping. Right.

Or if you're, if you're into abortion, you know, it would change your mind. A tweet. Hey, you're stupid. Oh, you're right. I'm, I'm sorry. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. I do believe in God now because you tweeted back to me.

Oh, we're changing minds on Twitter, hearts and minds operation. Yeah. Changing hearts and minds on Twitter. Okay. Yeah, just to me, it's silly that somebody who loves camping thinks that I should love camping. Like, I hate it. I don't ever want to go ever as long as I fucking live.

No, I hate it. Why? It's just not in my, listen, I'm a city girl. I was raised in the valley. I grew up in malls. You don't know what you're talking about. You're wrong. Camping's off.

You're wrong. You, you don't know how much fun it is. You know what? You're right. I do want to try camping now. Thank you. Thank you. If we could have had that exchange on Twitter, it would have been so worthwhile.

What the fuck? Yeah. It's so, it's so fucking. And you know what, too? And I, and I know that Louis C.K. just said this on, on some late show, but it really is the ultimate in a, in cowardice now where people go on Twitter and they just spew their shitty hate and there's zero accountability and like to just fucking grow up, bro, get some friends.

We're not equating that with. Spewing hatred. No, no, no, no, but this is, this is, you know, I'm taking it a step further. Yeah. Of course. Like this morning when I got my hate tweets from my comedy central thing, the first thing I see when I wake up, you're on Comedy Central and you suck. Thanks, man.

It's the best, isn't it? Yeah, it's awesome. Thank you. If you feel that way, you better get your life. Can you imagine how much hate tweets like Kim Kardashian gets hourly? It's got to be like, I think there's got to be a point where, because you can't block, you can't block it. It was just too much.

Uh-huh. I think there's got to be a point where if she tweets something and goes, I want to see what the reaction is. Oh my God. She could probably no shit spend like three minutes in a row scrolling and have them all be like, you're fucking come drinking whore. You're fucking pieces of shit. You know, talents like black guys, pig, just nonstop for no break in that none.

Right. Not like here's a few that hate you all hate. I bet you I, I'm willing to guess that Paris Hilton and or Kim Kardashian are the two most hated. You think so? I'm willing to guess. Wait, wait, wait. Miley Cyrus is probably taking the new one thing that's really fun to do is go to

Justin Bieber's Twitter page. Uh-huh. Now he gets a lot of adoration. Obviously he's a lot of fans, but everything that he tweets, it's he's so massive that he'll also be like, you're fucking idiot and your song suck. And if you go to that person, you go to that tweet, you'll see his fans interact with the person, that's my favorite. It's really fun.

It's so dumb. It's really Christ in heaven. Yeah. Uh, now I will retweet the dumb. Like I will retweet Jaden Smith because he's fucking unbelievable. Yeah, I'll retweet him too. Like I support the spiral. I'll be like, well, you know, you made this bed.

I'll support you, your spiral. Yeah. But I won't actively retarded. Is a wrote, wrote, retarded. Uh, so this trip was quite a whirlwind experience. Um, so, and we went up, we got to do this too. Every city that we went to, thank you so much. My gosh.

Yeah. Obviously that was fucking awesome. It really was kind of a crazy. Yes. I mean, especially, uh, in the South, it was our first time going, my first time doing Charlotte doing, uh, what was the guy here? I remember Nashville and Birmingham. Yeah.

I've been to Birmingham. Well, that's right. You have been there. But this was really special to have rooms, rooms full of people that know what's up in our families is really, really something else. Uh, so we started in Columbus, uh, and we did it with red band and Tony Hinchcliffe. We had, uh, like it was a huge, the Woodlands Tavern. Yeah.

Super cool. Very crazy turnout. Yeah. Crazy, but Nana's and we have already set up, put the wheels in motion to go back to Columbus in the spring and do a live podcast. Yes. Yes. Oh my God, we have to, we had so many mommies.

There were so many mommies. It was so crazy. It was crazy. I didn't, I didn't expect that. I mean, I knew Columbus is a great area for us and we have, you know, superfans and I just was blown away. So to all of you that were there, no Susquehanna, Death Squad, Ohio from your whole camp, please extend the many, many thank yous.

Yeah. Super awesome. And, uh, Brian was there petting our dog. I think he's in love with Theo. Brian, uh, red band has a crush on FIFO. I think he likes FIFO even more than wiki, his own dog. I think so too. I think he wants to make kissy faces with Theo.

Kidnap our dog. Uh, we picked, uh, we picked not a nice hotel to sleep in. You know what we, you, you hate this talk, but this weekend, past weekend in Columbus was Ohio State's first big 10 game and they played Wisconsin, which is basically the two powerhouse teams from the big 10 meeting in Columbus and already crazy football town. So you had, I don't know, probably an extra 50, 60, 70,000 people in town. Just either going to the game or wanting to be in town for the game.

Yeah, dude. I mean, we were like, walking out of our, we were walking out of our hotel room at 11 a.m. And there are dudes with like, uh, cozies on beers, like walking, getting fucking fucked up for the game, bro. Yeah. Ready for this shit today, buddy. Yeah.

So that was pretty intense, um, to be there for that, but God, the turnout was amazing. We were on stage and like, it's separated by nothing. There's just a bar right there. And actually, yeah, but you couldn't even really tell what you could only tell when you were like, Oh shit, is this going to be a problem? Yeah, standing outside of it. But once you're in there, you can't really tell.

Yeah. That was a really fun electric audience. That was a really, really good time. That was a great time. And, uh, we drank some good scotch. Yes. I wish I remembered your name. You brought fucking blue label.

Yeah. And then, uh, thank you. Big weight lifter guy. Uh, we ate at Bob Evans. The first night there. You mean her, Herbie Evans. What's that? No, it's Bob Evans.

It's Bob Evans. That's the first time I've ever eaten at a Bob Evans in my life. It was good. Uh, it was good until I shit four times, um, at the club. You shit four times. I did. Yeah. At Woodlands.

I'm sorry. Not at the club. One time in the hotel. I took a dump and then two at the Woodlands tavern, one back at the ranch, back at the, uh, nice hotel from Bob Evans. Thank you, Bob Evans, for that. I shit. Hmm.

When I got to the hotel before we ate Bob Evans, kind of a normal road dump day. And then a couple of times on this run, we'll get to all of them. Oh my God. But once, so many dumps, when I got to Woodlands, I noticed I was like, why am I not being social? I'm here with my friends, why, like everybody we're all, and I'm like, and I realized I got a shit and I'm trying to hold it in.

And then people were in line and we didn't have a, I hate when you can't, you don't have a private bathroom when you're in a show. Yeah. And I don't like to shit with the fucking audience right there. Well, and it's not, it's the only reason it's a bummer is what always happens is you'll be in the stall peeing and the people who have just seen you don't know you're in there. Right.

And then your hair girls were like, I don't know. I thought she was okay. She's just kind of a bitch. Yeah. Or I just, it wasn't funny at all. I fucking hate this. I like the other guy more. Yeah.

Cool man. I really don't guys, I'm a comedian for a reason. I have emotional problems. Yeah. Uh, so that was neat. And then, uh, so the next day we drove to Birmingham, Alabama. We ate Bob Evans again for breakfast, which was a nice way to start the day. Yeah.

I just had oatmeal. I didn't want to chance it. I did it omelet style. Right. And so we get in the car, Birmingham, sweet eight hour drive and it occurred to me on that drive, well, both of us, cause we had to stop and pee a lot. Cause we like to, we, it took us an hour to find a Starbucks. Remember, we love Columbus when we're like, dude, what the fuck.

Finally start. So we load up on the caffeine and then you have to load up on water. Cause now you've dehydrated yourself. You must rehydrate. Yep. Problem is you guys to hot, right? You got a hot, right? And you got to, you got to pull over and whiz every two seconds when you do that.

You do. So what we need in the car and the next rental car is like a P latch where you can piss, yeah, pull latch, right. And then piss goes flying out of the back of your car. Wait, wait, wait. I have a better idea. I have a better idea. I have a better idea.

What about bro piss and then you mix it with some soap and then that's what you use to clean the windshield with. I mean, interesting. Yeah. Homeless guys, don't they do that? Isn't that how they clean your, your car with newspaper and then their piss? Is that what they do? I never knew that.

I think it's a good thing to do to have the piss thing. First of all, if we do have that, the roads will be covered in piss. Just so you know, like everything would smell like urine outside all the time. Cause people would be, would be dumping it constantly. It'd be something when somebody cuts you off. You could do, you suck my piss asshole. Yeah. And you could have like your, your latch gun aimed certain ways.

What if you had a convertible, people would shower you with their piss and it actually lands on you. Yeah, I'd like that. There were some people I liked to spray. Well, but I think it makes sense because we wasted way too much time stopping to pee, but why not also have a dump, a dump latch where you could shit there and then you could drop that off too. You can't, you can't have a dump.

Why not? You can't have a dump latch. Do you have shit everywhere on the road? That's fine. It's not fine. It gets rained a lot, way and rained away and washed away. It would be so gross, dude. There's poo everywhere.

Well, fucking poo everywhere. You think that many people would take advantage of it? Yeah. You would shit in your car. I would shit in my car in a heartbeat, but it would have to be caught. You know how many truck drivers are probably listening to this being like, dude, we've wanted to invent the same thing. Do you think truck drivers want to shit in their car?

Of course, of course. I know they pee in their car. Of course. There has to be a way that you can take a shit and drive your car. Like an idiocracy, that chair where you sit and you shit in your butt. There has to be a shit car. Do you know that one time in your old Chevy Malibu, I tried to pee and drive? Did I say this start?

You piss all over my seat, you said, right? I did, yeah. How did you try to piss? So, okay, here's what happened. I was, I was in your car. I was in the desert because I was coming home from some awful bar gig in the middle of like Bakersfield or some shit. And like in the middle, I mean, getting home from Bakersfield, there's just

nothing, there's desert. And I was scared and I was nighttime and I was lost because GPS wasn't working. And I had to whiz so bad. I didn't want to pull over because I was afraid. And I had a big ass paper cup in there. And so I tried to pee while driving. Jesus. You're Chevy Malibu and I pissed all over your seat.

And I didn't tell you about that. I forgive you. I spilled coffee on your seat. I know. I smelled it too. You tried to trick me like it didn't happen. But I pissed. I remember one time you asked me, you're like, how do you pee in these little

bottles? You put the, your head in the peen, like your hand was like, no, you just, you just aim the hole. Yeah. Put your whole head in there. I thought you put your peener in the Gatorade bottles. Like how do you, it's kind of small, huh? Well, the Gatorade bottles have a little bigger mouth, but these water bottles

have real small. Yeah. You can't fucking put your peener. No, but you can put the hole there. You match it up, hole to hole. Wait, I, here's the flaw of the poo thing in the car. How do you wipe? You don't, you just put your pants back on.

Or I'd have to wipe the driver. I'd have to wipe you. That's easy. The driver leans to the left. The passenger reaches over and wipes for you. You could do that. You'd have to really be intimate with that person. We're close.

Wouldn't you wipe me? You have so much hair on your butt. It would just mash into that fur. How do you even wipe with all that butt air? I took a picture of your butt was so hairy. How hairy do you find it? So gross. It's such an ugly butt.

I have an ugly butt. Your butt is an ugly. It is very hairy. No, it's ugly. I've seen it. How much do you get stuck in your fur? You get must get poo in your fur. I'm actually upset.

Like sometimes I didn't realize, like, you know, everyone has their, like your feature that you enjoy about yourself. And then you're thinking like, I fucking hate this. Yeah. I really hate my butt. Really? That's your least favorite thing. And then I like my, um, what do I like?

My left ear. That's a good one. It's a good one. It's a nice ear. You have meaty ear lobes. I like them. Yeah. Yeah, they're, they're, they're juicy.

They're not, you make it sound like they're enormous. They're just normal size. No, but I like them. They're velvety, like Theo's ears are soft like that. Yeah, we had, that's why he got that for me. And genetically passed it down. He was barking at the FedEx truck a lot today. Yeah, the dog snatchers.

The dog snatchers will get you. Yeah. What do you wait? So you like your ear lobe? Mm hmm. That's it. Mm hmm. They're pretty eyes.

Yeah, I have a decent eyes. You have really nice elbows. Yeah, they're pretty nice. Your knees are cool. Yeah. What about you? I'll stop talking about it. What are your fair feature about yourself?

I have nice teeth. Let's be honest. What's your number? I like my teeth. Really? Yeah. Okay. I like my nose.

Your beautiful nose. Good nose. I always got bags under them, but when they don't have bags, I like those. Beautiful nose. All right. Um, we were talking about too. I remember we were talking about, I was in England when, when I lived in England, uh, there was this girl who we like, we went to her, uh, dorm room to hang out.

Me and my friend, David. And, uh, dude, this chick, she was talking to us and she laid on her bed with her shoes on and then she put her fucking dirty shoes, like on her pillow. That's crazy talk. No, for reals. Yeah. I know. For realsies.

I really think that's fucking crazy. It's bananas, right? Like, I think the only thing worse than that would be you putting your feet on somebody else's pillow. No. Shoe. Shoes. Worse.

Shoes are way worse. Disgusting, right? Fuck yeah. Yeah. I mean, your feet can be dirty for sure. And that's gross to have that on your pillow or whatever. Right. But shoes are out, I mean, in everything you walk with those, you mean, really

examine the bottom of your shoe and you put that where your fucking face was. And at the time it was on London, which, you know, when you walk around in the city of London, just for a day, like eight hours, I would come home. I remember I'd wash my face and the bowl would have like a rim of filth around it and that's just on my skin. Of course. So imagine what's on your shoes. It's horrific.

I've never, I always feel like that too. And like, you ever go like with a friend to a third friend's house and your, your new, your friend who's with kind of traveled with you in the car, let's say, will go in and put his feet up like with his shoes on like a coffee table. And you're like, Hey man, we don't, this isn't your house. Do that here, bro. Yeah. This is somebody else's house.

It's so gross. It's like correct them. And I was, I hold dudes at different centers and women, but like, I've had fucking guys get in my car and put their bare feet on my dad, like on the dash and the passenger seat and I've straight up and like, Hey man, you can't do like, Oh, okay. Sorry. Like it's disgusting.

Yeah. What are you doing? Dude, but even if, even if it's your best friend and like they presume they can put their fucking feet up on your dashboard, it's not, it's super weird, man. You have to be, you have to ask, Hey, can I put my dirty feet on your dashboard? Here's the answer to no driving and I'm going to be like distracted and like thinking about how fucking gross that is. Unless it's like, unless you're a couple, I'm saying like couples are different.

Yeah, it's very different. If your girlfriend or your boyfriend puts their feet up, that's different. I'm talking like you and your buddy are driving around and then they're like, let me take my dirty fucking feet and put them up on your dashboard and then put them on and put my toes on your windshield and put my toe grease on your window on your windshield. It's so fucking nasty, dude. No, no, it's not okay.

No, I'm just thinking, I think I may have been rude at Mary Lynn's house. I went over there and I was barefoot and I, I sat cross-legged on her couch. That's not, you know, it's disgusting in me. No, no, she had a sheet on the couch and she was like, this is a shitty couch. So I felt like that was okay. It's totally okay. All right. And I got, I thought about, I'm like, am I that pig?

No, it's just so rude. I've also done this thing too. Or, uh, I don't know, I do this thing a lot where I wear a T-shirt and then like I use the ATM and then I'll like lean over on the car door to use the ATM because I'll go to the drive through ATM and then like my armpit will rest on the door and then I'll get like white deodorant marks all over the door. Sure. Do you do that too?

Of course. It's so gross. Oh yeah. Speaking of shirts. Oh, I've noticed you're not wearing the same, the nice shirt that you've had on for the last week. Every once in a while, you know, I'm an expert packer every once in a while. And this happens to me.

This happened to you because I'm seriously, this happened to me on this week. What you're about to say, cause I know where you're going. You know, we're so used to packing every week that sometimes you're getting your routine, your pack, you'll, you'll go over it. You'll be certain you're just good to go. You get to the hotel, you open your suitcase and you're like, I don't have half the shit I need. Oh, oh, I've only packed one pair of socks for five days or two pair of underwear.

You're like, Oh my God, I'm never parted. You went over it. I know I went over this. I do this. I do it. I forget one essential thing every week. Like it's a razor I've forgotten. It's a toothpaste I've forgotten.

It's, uh, I've only got one pair of pants now for the whole week. Yeah. That's awesome. So the truth is, if you're doing shows like us, the real only, the thing you have to have, you have to have the underwear and socks. It's essential and more underwear than you think you will ever. Always. If it's four days out and you need seven or eight, yes, always pack extra.

But yeah, you're going to come in like three of them for sure. Yeah. You're going to wipe up so much cum, at least for the guys that come through my hotel, the Puerto Rican guys, they unload a lot of cum. Did you, as I tell you the story, there's this comic. I don't even know the guy's name. Some, oh my God, you guys are so disgusting. There's this comic older guy.

He used to draw, you know, sorry, fly to the gig in a suit and on his lap would carry a little bag with like a toothbrush, toothpaste, and then a razor. That's it. That's what that guy packed for the whole week of show. That's disgusting. The suit he flew in and a little pack of toiletries. Yeah, I'm not into that. That guy's fucked up, man.

I don't know who it is. I forget the name. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. I was told that. Sorry. Whoops. We're not ready for that.

No, fuck no. No, but that is so foul. Yeah. That, um, and I, and I feel like I know guys that tow that line regularly. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Comics, especially my hang up this week was that I didn't, I like to, I like to bring five or six t-shirts and then extra shirts to do show. And like, I like to have a lot of shirts.

And this week, sweaty guy, no, no, no, sweaty, sweaty, jizzy guy. So this week I had four shirts for to live in, to do everything in. And I just rotated them over the course of a week. Hmm. And I don't know. Cause I saw you in one shirt a lot. Yeah. And you were like, didn't you sleep in that?

And aren't you driving in that? And aren't you doing the show on that? And I was like, yeah. So yeah, by day four of three, I'm sorry. It was actually deterrent, uh, for me giving you affection. Yeah, I was like, I want to hug you, but your shirt smells so bad. No, it did not. Yeah.

No, by Nashville. Remember, I was like, I haven't really hugged you in a few days and I went to hug you and I'm like, Oh, I know why now. Dirty and disgusting. Not, no, not as dirty and disgusting as this as, uh, how's your mouth guard? Oh, it works. It still works. Still works.

It's a little bit, there's a part of it's a little rougher than it used to be. We're sitting in the hotel room one night and I'm so glad. So glad you said something that you did something because we're both laying there and I heard it was just one of those things I was just ignoring, actively ignoring what I was hearing. I was like, yeah. And you were like, what is that? I go, no, no, no.

And you sat up and you go, FIFO is chewing your mouth guard. And I was like, what? I sleep with a mouth guard in that cuts down my snoring quite a bit. Fucking FIFO thinks it's a chew toy. He thinks it's a chew toy and I didn't give him something to chew on. So I was like, what is he fucking chewing on? I looked down, it's the clear Gert and you just changed it out. Like it's your brand new one.

And he's chewing on the edge of it. Like on the one end of it, I'm like, oh my God, he's working it. He was working it, bro. We take it out and he's, and you're like, fuck it. I still have to, I mean, you have to use this. This is the only thing keeping our marriage together is this fucking snore guard. Yes. Cause otherwise I can't take you and I leave every night and I sleep on the

couch because I cannot take it. We, um, I rinsed it off and I washed it, I brushed it. And then I took like a little pair of scissors that I have and I cut off the part that he had not, not away because it was like jagged and hanging. And I still use it and I use what FIFO chewed on. I sleep with dirty and disgusting. I don't care. You should, we should give him your old ones to chew on.

They're probably really good for him. That plastic. Yeah. No, I'm foofy. I'm so fucked up, man. That's so gross. You know what it reminds me of retainers. You ever had retainers?

Never. Yeah. You're a dirty mouth guard is what it's like to have retainers. Yeah. Cause they're always like smelly and you don't like, you take them in and out. Like I used to put my retainers in my pocket to eat, to eat lunch. And then you clean them. That shit is a huge help though, man.

Your snore guard. Yeah. Oh yeah, man. You always, I don't know what we're going to do if that company goes out of business, dude, we're out of a marriage because that's the only thing keeping us together. Jesus. That's the only thing.

All right. Uh, so we were in Alabama's and it was a long ride, but, uh, the show was fun. We had a little bumpy road with some fucking a-hole cops. Yeah. Weird cops were there. They, they were like, that was weird drug agents or something. And yeah. They were, um,

They're being donkey. You got, you got to, you got to hold them first and then they were being weird. And then to me, you know, it was, they were doing the thing where like someone had told them to behave, you know, people are like, they're like, Oh no, I gotta be, now I gotta be extra perfect. They have that thing of they're like, Oh, I'm not allowed to speak. I'm not allowed to answer you back. Someone already told me to be quiet.

They always act. People always act like when they're at a show and someone like staff tells them to be quiet and then you go, Hey, like, so where are you from? They're like, I'm not allowed to speak. You're like, no, no, no, no, they didn't tell you to fucking be quiet because you answered somebody's question. They told you to be quiet cause you were being loud and disruptive. So they were doing the whole like, I don't know if I'm allowed to speak to you

thing, but then we had one super nice, the guy that brought them was a fan of our show and he like went out of his way to be like, I'm sorry. And just so you guys know, like everyone's like, please come back. Don't worry. I hope you don't think you hope you don't hate Alabama or in this that just know that it takes a lot more for us to hate a city. It doesn't take one heckler. Trust me, it takes no, it takes a lot more to break us down into

hating the whole city. Of course. Don't worry. Yeah. I mean, like, yeah. When people think like we talk about like a bad experience, they think, Oh, they hate this place. Yeah.

No, no, just that one person. No, I don't blame the whole table. I usually blame the one drunk, of course. Um, but best new to best news out of Birmingham, Alabama is Slade Monk gave us a jar of Dreamland barbecue sauce. So excited to try this shit, man. Super excited to check that fucker in. We have it now in our fridge and it will be put on some ribs ASAP.

I can't wait. Yeah. And then, um, also we noticed, I don't know, uh, a lot of people are huge fans of football in Alabama. Humongous fans to the point where, obviously, University of Alabama is number one college football team in the country. We went to the bank and we went to the drive through because we got paid and then the bank was right next door.

So the next day before we leave town, we pull up. It's one of those places that has like, you know, drive through for you. And then like, there's a few more drive through lanes. So other people are conducting business and you can hear both ends of it. You can hear the guy who's pulling up, talking to the female bank teller. And this is literally what we heard, right? Like I pull up, I'll be the guy I pull up and you're like, whatever, you know, hi, welcome to Wells Fargo.

How can I help you today? Roll tide. Uh, how you doing? Uh, I wanted to make a roll tide deposit. No problem. Roll tide. Uh, go ahead and check out that, that fill up, fill out that slip roll tide. Uh, here's a question I have.

Uh, I wanted to put some in my checking and, uh, roll tide. I want to put some in my savings. Well, is that a problem? Of course not. Roll tide. You can do whatever you want here. Wells Fargo roll tide. You just let me know which amount roll tide you'd like to have put in either.

Roll tide. I see what you're saying. Just make a notation here on it's air paper and then you'll take care of for me. Roll damn tide. All right. I'll just do that. Roll tide, roll tide.

Roll tide. Have a nice day. Roll tide. Go on. Roll tide. Now you have a good evening. Roll tide. And you have a good evening too, sir.

Roll tide. All right. Take care now. Roll tide. So much roll tide. We had a little fun because the night before we called a fucking first of all, there's everything in the Southeast close at eight. Yeah.

There's one thing that we're late night people. I like having multiple late restaurant options. I like it. I gotta have to because we don't finish our job until midnight and we have to eat. Yeah. I mean, she's at least stay up until fucking 11 or 12, you know, but anyways, we call this place fire birds and we order dinner and I go. All right.

Let's go pick it up. The fucking GPS takes us to like a completely not like a wrong way. It takes us to an address that there's just nothing there and it is linked up to their address on Yelp. Yeah. It was like behind a sporting goods store made no sense and it wasn't their old location or anything. It's just the wrong address.

Yeah, bro. So ended up being whatever eight or nine miles in the other direction. By the time we get there, I asked the guy, how long has this food been ready to pick up? He's like, it's been ready for like 25 minutes. I'm like, that's not going to work for me, man. Yeah, of course. You're going to have to throw some of this back on there because they fucking let

us astray, man. Throw it on the grill. They were super nice and lady gave us gift cards and then the next day we gave a gift card to the Starbucks guy. I was like, you want to go to Firebirds, get $10 off. Cause we were late. He was like, oh, thank you, Roll Tad. I appreciate that.

And then we went to the bank lady and I said, man, would you like to go to Firebirds? Sure, Roll Tad. Well, you enjoy yourself a little discount, Roll Tad. But can I tell you that I don't feel, you know, when you do something super nice like that for someone, a $10 VIP card to Firebirds, that's kind of nothing to shit on. Not at all. Right. That's a really nice, hey, that $20 entree you just ordered $10 now.

And I do feel like that the Wells Fargo girl wasn't appreciative enough. I don't feel like she showed us that she really wanted the VIP card from Firebirds. I think I agree. And I think both of them weren't as appreciative as they could be. Yeah, but I think to an extent both thought we were fucking with them. I guess so. I mean, part of me wished that we had ordered that before our shows and then we could have given them to mommies instead, who are appreciative of Firebirds.

It's not a shitty place to eat. That's a really nice place. Anyways, Theo thoroughly enjoyed the stardome at Birmingham because he licked every inch of the carpet. There must have been barbecue sauce embedded in every fiber of that carpet. Our dog could not stop licking the carpet, which is not good. Lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick. So then the next day we rolled out, we passed Bojangles, but we had no

jangles for lunch because zero, because this is a bad idea on the road. What we did do was have a healthy option. And where did we go again, babe? I forget, I forget where we went, but we won't. We went to. McDonald's McDonald's. Big Mac, you give me the meat on the bottom, the cheese on the bottom, less tomato, and then you don't give me no motherfucking meat on the top.

Yeah, yeah, but less tomato. You thought about it. You better fucking get your workers right. Get your fucking workers right. I should have took a picture of that shit on my cell phone. He, this guy is great because I think he just said I should have took a picture of that shit, meaning like he's upset about it after he ate it, which is what I hope it is.

Oh, yeah, of course. You have to eat it first and then get mad. That's how. Yeah, that was the bullshit you gave me. Where is it? I ate it. All right, I was delicious. I'm shitting it out now. By the way, so we broke down by the time we were in Tennessee, we broke the fuck down and got McDonald's because there was just nothing

for miles and miles and miles. Now, the McDonald's we stopped at was probably the saddest place on earth. I think if they put a McDonald's in Afghanistan, it would have been a happier place. Like, dude, I walked in there and it was nothing but like people on crutches and toothless dudes touching their crotch. Like, I thought I was about to get raped when I went to go pee in the bathroom. It's like deliverance. Total backwater Tennessee deliverance McDonald's.

I was like, and we went through the drive-thru and then we sit in the car and eat like pigs. I was like, babe, you got to go in there just to go see what I just saw. I mean, it was literally I was like, I'm going to get raped in this bathroom because there was a guy missing teeth on a phone rubbing his crotch. Just like, yeah, you've never like insist that you got to go look at. You got to go see this fucking derelict village. The meat was a little green.

And I still ate it. I mean, McDonald's is consistently probably the best thing you can get on the road. It's pretty consistent. I love your coffee. Yeah. So you're boycotting McDonald's? Yeah. Well, I love their coffee.

In fact, it's the best coffee. Right. But listen, this is, I swear to you the first time in 15 years that I ate at McDonald's two days in a row. Right. Was on this fucking thing. Two days in a row. That's what the road breaks you down.

But I love McDonald's so much. I have to stop myself from eating it more than I do, which is seldom like the everything about it. It's so fucking good. It's salty and sweet and cheesy and hot and crispy all at once. Right. And cheap. And cheap.

It's like, oh, it's so good in the soda. That's the crazy thing to me. Why does no other soda taste like theirs? Dude, it's perfect. How do they get it that way? Even their diet Coke tastes fucking amazing. And you can go to like Backwater someplace in Tennessee and guess what?

It's going to taste amazing. Yes. You can go to Vienna and eat it at a McDonald's and it's going to taste exactly awesome. Yep. Yeah. It's actually, wait, the ketchup is a little weird in some countries, but other than that.

Ketchup varies. Yeah. Coke's very too. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah. Anyways, yeah, we did it two days in a row. Great idea. And what happened is eventually at 5 a.m.,

I woke up with a massive fart attack. Like I was like, oh shit, I'm going to have hot diarrhea. Yeah. It just ended up being a fart attack and it kind of passed, thankfully, but it kind of gave me panic. There's a reason for that. I mean, maybe it was something to do with this. Nasty motherfucker.

You're so nasty motherfucker. You want to go to that McDonald's? Hmm. I think I went to that McDonald's. Did you? I think that was the one in Tennessee. I don't think this is the Tennessee one. No.

I'm just looking at the screen. Okay. It looks a little different than when we were at. Okay. Did you just fart? You just farted on our show and it registered on our recording. I'm looking at the recording monitor. Sing the song.

No. Sing my song. We have a song that we wrote on the road. I can't believe this. Are you ready for it? No. That was a perfect segue into it, too. You're right.

I know. Go ahead. Knock it off. I don't know how to start, ready? I don't know where you start. I don't know either. I don't know. I don't know.

Is this the karaoke? It's instrumental. Oh, okay. Ready? Yeah. Don't smell my farts. My stinky smelly, oh, my stinky smelly farts. Make you run away.

Don't smell my farts. My stinky smelly farts. Don't smell my farts. Don't smell my farts. Don't smell my farts. Don't smell my farts. Don't smell my farts. My stinky smelly farts.

Cause if you do, you'll stop loving me. You like that? I like it a lot. I wrote, don't eat my ass, my filthy stinky ass. Cause if you do, it's not going to taste that great. I said, don't eat my ass, my shitty filthy ass. I have it wiped one time this week. Don't smell my farts.

My stinky smelly farts. If you do, you'll burn your nose. That's really good. Thank you. Natural. I will say though, I was very impressed with you because on this trip, you took two quiet dumps that I didn't even hear. Two.

I don't know how you got away with that. Yeah, you make it sound like my dumps always make noise. They do. They're always explosive and terrible. That's not true. That's not true. Babe, they're horrific. You have a fucking bit about it now and you're our act.

Yeah, I know. But I don't like you making me feel bad about it. I don't feel, I'm not making you feel bad about it. I just need you to face the fact so that you can get help for whatever it is that ails you. Nothing ails me. I'm fine and they don't, they're not that noisy. Uh-huh.

Okay. They're super loud. The best part about sharing a hotel room with you is that I really get to enjoy it now. Did you really hear them in the hotel? In Nashville because they didn't have proper doors. They had like those doors with slits on them, you know? Yeah. I get to hear a lot.

Really? Violence. Oh, the first night in Columbus was horrific. When we stay in motels, those are the most sounding for me. Like I get to hear everything that you do. I can't believe you actually hear it. I'm going to record it for you next time with my cell phone. Please do.

I beg you, I beg you. Because you don't believe me and it's really obnoxious. But why don't you think I really hear it? That's the part that's really annoying. I don't know. I just don't believe you. What would I make it up? How do I know what they sound like then?

I think you maybe heard part of one one time and you act like you hear it all the time. Whatever, bro. How can I not hear yours? Because I don't fucking, I don't have explosive diarrhea every time I go to the bathroom. You've never heard me? No. That's not sure you're lying. I can tell.

No, I've never heard you. I've heard a lot. I've never heard it. I've never heard it. Okay. That's why I'm like, well, I would have heard you once. I believe you. Yeah.

I don't care if you did, it would be fine. Why don't you push a little harder next time? I don't have to push. I usually have fours and fives. I usually have fives and above. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Well, enjoy it. Why are you fucking? I mean, stupid. What do you mean stupid? I don't believe you that you've never fucking heard me. Don't lie. I've never heard you.

All right. Anyways. So yeah, it was a very good trip. Some guy's hole in Charlotte popped off. Yeah. Just so you know, just for the people that were there in Charlotte, please know I totally don't blame the entire state of North Carolina for one douchebag. Here's what happened.

There's a guy in the front and I, I believe he was sitting with a fan of our show because this poor boy I could do to look on, if you're listening to this kiddo, I know that it wasn't your fault. I don't know if it was your dad or whoever and the man was kind of drunk and I, I went out there and I, um, I start my act and I say something about Miley Cyrus and he's like, yeah. I want to bang or whatever and I was like, oh, here it comes. Like this guy is totally out of his mind.

And then I try to go on and I talk about how in the South women don't come out and say that they hate somebody. Instead they say, oh, bless her heart. And so he continues to be a shit-faced drunk. Like he keeps talking and chat like, he's doing that sort of thing. And then that's why I say to him, I go, oh, bless your heart, sir. Just bless it. Bless it as hard as it can.

And then he goes, fuck you, cunt. And I was like, all right, well, that's it. That's the, when someone calls you a cunt and it's not, it's really no playful way for a guy to do that to a woman. It's very tough. Uh, I gave him, I said, uh, okay, that's it, bro. I'm going to give you one. This is it.

This is your last chance. You pipe up again. You're 86. You're out. And sure enough, like I try to go on with my act, but I can't. It's hard to after that because he's the cancer. He's the fly in the ointment. You know what I mean?

I try, I try to connect. I can't, there's such an elephant in the room and everybody feels it and he keeps babbling to himself. Like, I said, I was sorry, I said, uh, and I'm like, that's it, bro. You got to go. Now. I honestly, I felt bad because they kicked out the entire table and I didn't want for the good people to get kicked out.

And unfortunately there's nothing I could have done. You know, I wish they would have said, look, why they should have sat him in the back maybe well, not a front center. Cause if they, and here's the thing is that every, well, a lot of people came up to me after and was like, Oh, that guy was hammered. Everybody, everybody was talking about that. So they, you know, they, they shouldn't have had him up front. Let's just put it that way.

You hide those people in the back because he was right in the line of the light. You know what I mean? Like the spotlight. He was right there. Man. So funny how like I heard one of the door guys like sort of hoard up because I didn't know what was going on. One crazy thing that happened was that I was in the green room and FIFO started to act

crazy. What are you doing? And when I was like, what? And he was like, he was like running towards the door and I look out the window and that's when you're having them thrown out. Isn't that crazy? Whoa. He knew he sensed that I was being.

He did sense it. Under attack. But like, I heard a guy, he was like, Oh, you know, she was talking to the guy and then she asked him something and then like his version, the door guy was talking about what happened. Right. And I just was overhearing him and I was like, it doesn't sound accurate at all. No.

He called me a cunt. Right. He said, fuck you cunt. And I was like, okay. Okay. Maybe not. This guy never said that, which means he didn't hear it right. And so it doesn't.

And then he's, he's sitting there telling a version of the story. That's the gray part is like you're telling it. And then everybody after the show was like, thank God you got rid of that guy. And they applauded. You can always tell when they applaud. But the real thing is too, is next time in this, because you know, is that your core? The moment somebody says that is when you go fucking. 86.

Absolutely. I know. I wanted to give him, I try to give drunks a chance. Listen, because I know, I fucking know the kid that was with him was a fan. I fucking know that that guy listens to us and he knew, and I could tell on his face, he was mortified. So I wanted to give him and his family a chance to calm dad down. I know.

I wanted a chance, bro. I wanted to help them. I didn't want it. I don't like kicking people out unless they really, this guy, he was unruly. He was going to ruin the show for everybody, which is why I did it. So for those of you who are there, just know that I really only do that in service of a greater cause, which is to make sure that we all have a good time and you guys pay to be there.

And it's, it's not just my own ego. It's a little bit of my ego. Yes. But it's more in service of having a good show. We could have had that recorded for dealing with douchebags. That would have been bad. Oh, fuck my asshole. I know.

Shit. Fuck me. Oh, fuck it hard. Oh, well. Next time. Yeah. Damn it. I should be recording all my shows with douchebags.

Fuck. Well, anyways, listen, I still love North Carolina. I have every intention of coming back with Tommy and we'll do the podcast one day there. It was a great club. Tommy's owns a great club. Actually, it was a surprise. Every gig was great. Atlanta was great.

Thank you for coming. Nashville. Thank you. Birmingham. Thank you. Charlotte. Thank you. Columbus.

Thank you. It was an amazing run. Yeah. This really was to say that first of all. You're welcome. But that every city and each and every one of you that came out, we really appreciate it. And I know that there's some new people listening and we thank you and we welcome you.

This is obviously our recap of the tour. Yeah. This is a little different kind of episode, but we wanted to talk about it and we wanted to give you something for this Friday. Friday. Friday. Friday. And then next time, we won't hear that one, but we're doing a podcast on Sunday and then

we'll be back. Wednesday. Yeah. And Friday. Yeah. We have a couple of new ones. Wednesday and Friday. And that San Francisco is going to be crazy.

That's all I got to say. Ward. Ward. Want to keep drinking wine? Yeah. Want to say goodbye? Yeah. We love you, mommies.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for wearing your jeans. Super. I have a song for you. I'd like to do that. Bye, guys. I'd like to go to the bar. Plug in my iPod.

Listen to him. Talk trash on that. You're talking about your mom's house. Podcast. Stop that laughing. Ain't going to happen. The fix for a piss poor day. This gay discourse of mixed sorts.

Get the pitch. Fortune. Listen. Why the bell? Hey, you're in jail. Laying with your Puerto Rican cellmate. Or when you tell. They listen before the game starts.

Play cards. Listen. Why your shoplifting? It came out. Honest. I mean it. It's not a big secret. I'm off and seated in the kitchen.

Listen. In the time of Christina. At the end of a rough day. Get along the drain. Get my nut shade. If I'm lucky. Get it. Then a love date.

Just great. Like the devil loves flames. Like the devil loves heavy metal women who love snakes. This is just a thing to help your nerves and calm down. All right. Like we're now bitch. Welcome to your mom's house. For the beans.

For the beans. Fresh. Fresh. Fresh. Fresh. Fresh. Welcome to your mom's house. No I'm for the beans.

No I'm not for the beans. Fresh. Fresh. Fresh. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house. We got the kitchen ma snack key. Welcome to your mom's house.

You mom's house. Starringarms Christina. Come up in time. Cinderella and especially parents. Tothold... But I do love this job. It actually happened to me. Orlando airport watch.

And Joe double. Is there anything worse on the phone than an aspiring white rapper? Yeah. Your mom's house. Your mom's house.