Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 177-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

You can survive on just air and sunlight and nothing else, but you'll die pretty quickly also. Tina makes a compelling argument for why she feels so strongly about being the MAIN Mommy - she HAS been farting on the show and put TURDS on the ground. Chuck Woolery listens to our show. We think. And he feels badly about being so GREEZY. Do you return the shopping cart to the store or do you leave it by your car like a jerkface? We revisit yelling when you're angry - it doesn't define who you are. It's human emotion, you f***ing f**k. Tina talks about her past City Connection love and Tom shares his brief experience with all that PWESSHAH! 

And then I caught the toilet. What? And then it overflows the water. Turns, turns, the ground and the water comes up and out and everywhere. Turns on the ground? Come on here! What? You didn't tell me that.

Well, yeah, I thought it was implicit and my panic's called you. There's turns on the ground. What? There's turns on the ground? There's turns on the ground. Back up and out. Oh my god. Turns on the ground.

Turns on the ground, Jeff Tipler. Thank you, Jeff, for your contribution. I would say Nasterpiece. That was a great, great song. Really special, thank you. Jeff Tipler, thank you very much. Also, big thanks to the hotel that cleaned up my turns on the ground. Turns on the ground.

In Jacksonville, Florida. That was actually the hotel where the comedy zone is. I've never had turns on the ground. Well, guys, if you like turns on the ground, if you like me, come see me and my friend Mary Lynn Rice Cub. We're going to do a live show on the 8th of December. That's Sunday at the Melrose Improv. If you're locally, call Bad Advice.

It's a live show Mary Lynn and I have created making fun of all the advice shows like Dr. Laura and Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, Ayanna, all this crap. That's awesome. And it's going to be so much fun. After that, December 19th through 22nd, the Atlanta punchline. And then New Year's Eve, hello. Do you live in Washington, D.C.? Come see your moms.

We're going to do a week in D.C., the D.C. Improv. And we're going to co-headline that week and do New Year's Eve together. Nice. What's up? Everybody who has been purchasing bikes shirts, they are going out spanking early by the time this drops. I took a picture of that and posted it. Oh my God.

It's so crazy, right? Yeah. We just knocked those out today. Yeah. So thank you so much for buying stuff from our shop. We so appreciate it. Yeah. Yeah.

We really, really, really appreciate it. You guys are the absolute best. But also tonight, if you're hearing this, I'm at the Calusa Casino in somewhere outside of Sacramento with my uncle and yours, Joey Coco Diaz. Oh my God. And then Saturday, tomorrow, December 7th, Eugene, Oregon, home of the Ducks, the McDonald Theater. We are doing a show there as well.

Hope to see you either at Calusa Casino and McDonald Theater. You can come check out the main mommy, me. Whoa. Whoa. What? I don't think so. And Joey Diaz. That's rude as shit.

And then also, of course, the live shows with her jeans, Washington, D.C. through New Year's. With she and her. With she and her together. Who's that? Like Tameware. That's what Tameware says. And she and her.

One of these days, we're going to post all of our 2014 stuff when we get around to it. Oh my God. I know Kansas City is in my future in January. If you're in Kansas City and Alaska, I'm going to Anchorage, Alaska, I believe January like 18th or 19th. I know I'm going to Portland pretty early in the year. I got, I got a bunch of cities. I got to put that list up.

Yeah. Let's do the show. Happy birthday, baby Jesus. You ready, jeans again? Let's do it. Is it possible to meditate and live off just the air and sunlight? Some Hollywood stars are raving about what's called the breatharian diet. As they breathe, they literally inhale the ether or the energy out of the air and that

nourishes their body. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Welcome to your mom's house. Christina Pajitse. Welcome to your mom's house. Christina Pajitse. Christina Pajitse. Christina Pajitse.

Christina Pajitse. Welcome to your mom's house. Christina Pajitse. It's such a ridiculous ending. It's so ridiculous. I have a preposition. Yeah. It should go, your mom's house featuring Tom Segura and then it goes, aunt, the main

mommy, Christina Pajitse. No, I don't like that and I would never play that drop. Why? Because it's not true, first of all, and it's misleading. First of all, I believe the main mommy, I qualify because I had turds on the ground. Very few people have overflowed a hotel toilet to the point where turds fell on the ground. Can I tell you something? We have, I'm very upset about this, received a number of mentions, emails, Facebook posts

saying, I think Christina could be the main mommy because she's been farting on the podcast more lately. Thank you. Give me my reward. Oh, please. Yeah. Obvious. Hello.

I've been farting, I've been contributing way more to the farts on this podcast than you have. Yes. Earn your right, earn your title. I've farted plenty on this show. Not since the old house. When we were in the old house and you held the microphone, you would put that microphone down in your asshole probably almost every episode.

Go back to the catalog and listen. Now your farts are pitiful. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. I don't think they're pitiful. I think lately on, on when we've been doing the show, you've been blessed enough to have a fart ready in the chamber and I've just been without fart, but that doesn't mean

I don't fart. Okay. Wait a minute. Are you saying it's just luck? Hmm. Okay. You know what luck is? It's hard work.

Preparation meets proper timing. Okay. It's all my preparation meeting the right time. Maybe I come into the show prepared. Maybe I... I think you deliberately plan so that you could fart when we're doing the show. Maybe, maybe I, maybe I order Thai food an hour before we do this show. Maybe I have my Vietnamese Fah soup for lunch that day.

I think you're being ridiculous right now. Maybe I have the vegetarian chili from Trader Joe's. Guess what? What? Chuck Woolery recorded. He recorded his spot again. What? And said it correctly.

No. Yes. What do you mean? He did it a second time. No. Yes. It's out there. You're lying.

I swear to you. You're going to fool me right now. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. I swear this isn't a joke. This came in. Come on. I swear this is true before we get to, what do we have?

We have to talk about that breatharian thing. First of all. First of all, okay. Retardless. Retardless. Right. I wanted to say it's retarded and ridiculous, and I combine the two words in my head. It's a good word.

It's retarded. You like it? Yeah. It's better than. I'm going to start using that. It's better than the dog's tits. It is not better than the dog's tits. Why do you have to be rude?

Retardless. There you go. You're welcome. People are, by the way, the dog's tits is catching on. I like the dog's tits. I will admit. Yeah. It's catching on.

Messages. People are saying that they, they're saying it. So dumb. It's really funny though. I give you props on the dog's tits. Now what about, what's this about Chuck Woolery? Well, what are we doing? I thought we were just going to go over breathing.

Well, no, we have to get back to it is what I meant. Okay. At first let's talk about Woolery. I can't believe he re-recorded the spot. Do you think he was shamed? Probably. I don't know about you, but I don't like taking pills for minor arthritis pain, and I don't care for those patches.

I found something that really works. Australian dream. Done smelled. Done burned. Is greasy. Oh. Yeah. But he does say, done.

Done smelled. Done burned. Is greasy. He says it correctly. How did you come upon it? Done burned. Is greasy. Done, but he.

Done, but he. Done, but he. Done, but he. Done, but he. But he. Done, but he. He said done, but he. Done, but he.

But he. That's why. That's why. And it relieves my arthritis. Australian dream. Done smelled. Done burned. Done greasy.

And it relieves my arthritis pain. Plus, Australian dream has an empty jar guarantee. You can still have the empty jar guarantee. The empty jar guarantee is not going away. That's empty jar. Can I tell you what it is? That's lazy about his read, by the way. Is that he jumbles all the.

Didn't greasy. He doesn't respect the punctuation on the breath. Yeah. Well, what I like about Australian dream is that it really done. It didn't burn. He doesn't respect the punctuation on the page. Yeah. We just, we discovered that he's not good at doing commercials.

That's what we've discovered. He's good at coming back in two and two. We back two and two. Well, bad breath. He looks so much like my uncle Dave. Oh, he's so handsome. Chuck Walery. Yeah.

Your uncle Dave is a handsome man. He's a handsome man. He is. Dave is great. How's he doing? Great. We texted. I need to give him a call though.

Yeah. Really a funny guy. He's hysterical. God damn it. What does he always say? Oh, shit, Blanca. Shit Blanca. Oh, shit Blanca.

You can't. You can't turn right here. Where's the. I can't. You can't do that. Oh, shit Blanca. He's always cursing. Where are the ships?

We didn't. She hides everything. Yeah. He's always. You hide everything. Always mad at Blanca for something and Blanca's always chastising him for stuff too, which is great. Hi.

Do I have to make a right turn? You want to drive? Yeah. God damn it Blanca. Burn is greasy and it relieves my arthritis. I can't believe he got it right. I cannot believe it. How old is Woolery now you think?

Seventies. I loved him so much growing up. I think so. I think he would be. I think my mom would have married Chuck Woolery if he came out of the television and was like eating. Seventy-two. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. I think I would have married him. He was so handsome. Two and two. How many wives does he have here? Yeah, let's see. One, two, three, four, fourth.

Four wives? Yeah. Two and two. Back in two and two. Exactly. There you go. Sixty-one to seventy-one. Seventy-two to eighty.

Eighty-five to two thousand four. That's a good run for Woolery. Sure. And then this one, this latest one is from 2006. How much money do you lose every divorce? That's half your shit, man. Every time. Four times?

Yeah. Or three times? No wonder he's doing Australian dreams. We just put it together. Right. There you go. That's why I didn't greasy. Australian dreams is really my favorite career.

And you want to do this fucking cream commercial? And he's like, no. And he's like, you know, you don't have any mind left. Sign me up. All right. Here we go. It ain't crazy. This is my favorite cream of the empty jar guarantee.

Empty jar. You can finish the jar. And then you can send it back. And then there's... Australian. I ejaculate another jar. I really like it. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, man. That's your empty jar. What have you ejaculated into every jar of Australian dream? I mean, really, it cures your arthritis. Every jar of Australian dream. I've emptied my jar inside of every jar that we send out. It might come as special properties. It doesn't burn and it doesn't stink too bad.

And it sure as shit isn't greasy. Australian dream. It's got Chuck Woolery's chips in it. We just call it that because I had quite a summer there. 67. My first wife. Right. His first wife is Australian.

So great. I would buy Chuck Woolery's semen if it cured arthritis. You'd rub it on? Of course. Babe. If Chuck Woolery... Are you kidding me? If Chuck Woolery's semen cured arthritis.

You know how many old people will be super happy right now? Milking his nuts every fucking second. Chuck Woolery is the secret to arthritis. Hey, Chuck Woolery here. All the secrets to your pains are in my ball bag. Whether you're old or young and hurting a little bit or hurting a lot. Just tug on my knob and get a special solution that will heal everything. Bad breath.

I'll come inside of your mouth. That's his bad breath solution. You have bad breath. I know it's not a good thing. If you considered sucking the snotty end of my little tip there. Oh, she's Chuck. And emptying my jar. I emptied my jar in your mouth and then your breath will smell minty fresh.

Do you think Chuck Woolery emptied his jar until a lot of love connection? Oh my God. How much pus has he cooked for real? He seems like a relationship guy. He's married, married, married, but there's some weeks off. That's all I'm saying. If you're the host of love connection. Dude, he was prime meat back then.

That smile. He's super charming. And that guy had nice teeth before they invented nice teeth. He did. Before fucking veneers and shit. His teeth were nice, dude. I think he's like a tea party lunatic. He is now, yeah.

So that would be fun. But I guess, I guess on a first day, who brings up politics? Just stick it in me, Chuck. Good boy. Good jazz. Oh, Chuck. Oh, Chuck. Here's a new diet we need to try.

Okay. So it sounds crazy. Everyone knows that we need food and at least water to survive and to get energy. But what if we could channel that energy into our bodies through a different source? One woman says that not only is it possible, but she's helping people do it. And she showed me how she claims that it's all done. Oh, boy. Norma Gentili is meditating as she does on a daily basis.

This type of meditation, however, is used by a special group of people known as breatharians. Breatharians live from nourishing themselves from everything around them. It's about nourishing yourself so completely. Her spirit from nature, from all that's around you. Chuck's jar, the anties on your face. That there is no need for food. Those who practice this life. First of all, she looks like she has plenty of food.

Is she, is she chunkers? Yeah. So claim to get the energy they would typically get from food from the energy in their breath, the air, or the sun, all while meditating. It's something that many people, because it is a little odd, want to do. They want to somehow magically become a breatharian so that they don't have to eat food or drink water. Gentili from Ypsilanti claims she is not a breatharian herself, but creates breatharian meditation music that has connected her with breatharians from all over the world.

One who's been a breatharian for 13 years, and from what he says, he hasn't really eaten or had water in that time period. Okay. He'll bullshit. You think that's a good idea for your practice to promote that? Hey, by the way, you don't have to drink water. For 13 years, this guy didn't, he drank only a little water. He said not that much.

Wow. I just been taking in the sun and the air. Through her own meditation, Gentili's even been able to channel energy, allowing her to go without water for a short period of time. 15, 20 minutes, or how long? Much like others who practice this lifestyle. That's the quality of energy that I notice breatharians tend to be able to access in order to hydrate, to create water from within the cells of their own body.

The idea of surviving on air alone, no water, no food, absolutely insane, quite frankly. Dr. Frank McGeorge explains that not only is this lifestyle not healthy, it's impossible. You cannot live without food long-term. Now, you can live short-term without food, weeks, maybe even months, but you're going to gradually begin to shrink because your body has to eat something. You could die. You could. And the point that I'm attempting to make here is it is rare.

Though admitting that it... What is rare? Dying. Dying or being able so good at this? Dying of thirst and hunger. How dumb is this person? This is from California, right? Is this retardless?

This is retardless. You're right. This has to be an LA-based lunatic, right? This is my tribe, you guys. I admit, LA people, yes, we're lunatics. Some of us are fucking wackadoodles. She's totally wackado. She's retardless.

I haven't seen exactly. They haven't shown where she is exactly. Could be fatal. Gentili still believes in the breatharian way of life. So, I had to try it for myself. With the use of these Tibetan books. I tried it for myself. Is he taking a Chuck Woolery school of voiceover?

I tried it for myself. Olds, she taught me how breatharians get energy from meditation instead of food. And press a little bit harder. Oh, boy. And there you go. Okay. You feel it? Yeah.

You're not thirsty anymore, are you? Wow. Stay that way for months. She believes this is the start of practicing a breatharian lifestyle. It's quite a long path from this and just coming out of the chaotic energy of the city. This is why local news is great and awful all at the same time. It's so great that they would show such a dumb piece and also such a waste of time. Well, also in a first world country where people are so fat, we have to be breatharians.

I think breatharians are just called like Africa. People starving and dying of hunger and thirst naturally are called breatharians. Somalia is breatharia. I don't think we need this practice. And she's a great big fat person. She's a great big fat person. But maybe she should practice her own singing. Oh, yeah.

She's a great big fat person. Wait a minute. Have you seen what's her name? Rebecca Kimmel? No, what's her name? Wait a minute. She's a great big fat person. Yes, she was a big girl.

I love that. To reaching that point where you're so plugged in, that you can actually feel as if you don't need to eat. I'm proud of that. That's okay. It's all right. You know, I'm attempting to show and just speak on behalf of all those people out there that are willing to try something different.

It's unclear exactly how many people around the world actually practice breatharianism. Norma just enjoys making meditation music for them to meditate with. Despite what doctors say, she hopes her music will help non-believers open their minds to an alternative lifestyle. Are you ready for this? Now, after my breatharian meditation session,

I've got to be honest, I still had to have lunch with real food and water. Now, some people are comparing this lifestyle to anorexia. That's because that's the other word for breatharian. Right. Or just poor. Gentile insists that there is no weight loss and the breatharians are still receiving nourishment.

For more information about this lifestyle and a link to some of her music, go to our website, click on detroit.com. Detroit, that's where this is. No, you're kidding. This is like the eighth time we've featured Detroit without even trying to. At Broadcastamy, local form.

Times are tough. Well, it sounds like it comes from the very far fringe, but apparently it's gotten popular enough that a medical group in Britain today, just today, named the breatharian diet the number one diet to avoid, calling it a dangerous fad. All right.

Detroit, interesting. Detroit. I just wouldn't imagine it would come from detroit. Yeah. That's a loony-toony thing, you know. That's a... I would have pictured that coming from my part of the world. Yeah.

Quite honestly. What were you going to tell me about going to the show today, you said? Oh, mother of consia. Well, I was going to Trader Joe's and I don't know why it's a universal law that every single Trader Joe's parking lot has to be ill-equipped and too small.

The Trader Joe's parking lot is like a fucking hell garden. It makes me angry every time. They're always unimpressive. I would say ours is notably under. They're all bad. But this one's... This one has like 15 spaces. Yeah.

Why the fuck does Trader Joe's always zone out like 10 parking spots and then it's a massive store? The point of the story is, the way our lot is designed, you have to loop around, the loop around, and there's cars behind you, the pressure is on. Yeah. Okay, when you're looking for a fucking spot.

And here I am, and I see this goddamn soccer mom and she's got like a fucking cart full of shit. You know, it's five bags, six bags deep of Trader Joe's and so I'm waiting, I'm clearly indicating like this isn't now my spot, bitch. Yeah. Like pick up the pace, yo.

And I think she deliberately, deliberately slowed it down. Yeah. And was like, oh, here's one bag and here's two bags. I've seen it before. Yeah. And then she takes her time lazily putting the cart back.

I was like, bitch, don't you fucking feel me? Like I'm looking at you. I'm throwing hate daggers. She knows you're there. She knows I'm there. Like for instance, when it's, when I'm in her position and I've got shit to unload, I hustle. I hustle because I know.

That's considerate though, hustle. Because I feel the pressure. It's not even considerate. It's more of like, oh my God, these people are waiting. Like they're gonna fucking hate me. I have to be honest. I've played both sides of that card before. Yeah.

You take extra long. I've done it. I've done it before. It's rude as shit. Of course. But you know what it is? It's a control thing. It's a power thing.

What I've done too is I've known a car. I see them. I can tell they're looking at me. Like is this guy gonna get into a car here so I can get his space? And you know what I'll do? I'll pretend to be distracted. Oh, that's rude shit.

Like I'll pick up my phone and I'll be like, or I'll look at the parking lot and I'll look in the distance to make it seem like my car is far away. And then as they roll past me, I'll unlock the car right next to me. You know what I mean? Wow. So that they are now past me.

That's real shit move. Yeah, I've done that too. Yep. It's bad. It's a real dick move, Tom. I don't do it every time. I'm trying to tell you that I've done it before. I've been an asshole on purpose.

Yeah. I mean, look, I've also done. It goes both ways. I've also done the thing where I see people and I go, are you looking for a space? And I go, I'm right here and I've directed them to where I'm at. That's on a good day. Yeah.

Right. I think we all have good and bad days, right? So we do. And also I think why I especially didn't like her is because she was a total like perfect LA woman, like perfect blonde, perfect skinny. She had like her boots on like her leggings and her perfect sweater and I was like,

fuck you fucking jobless bitch. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like she didn't have anywhere to go. Yeah. Now I've been on the other side. I've been in your position today as well, where they get in the car and then I'm like,

ready to go and there's cars piling up behind me. I'm like, yeah. All right. And then like they start the car, but they don't put it in reverse. Oh, that. Come on, man. And then you wait and then people start to go like,

hey, and you're like, hold on, this car is coming. And you signal at them and then you drive past them and then they back up. Infuriating. Yeah. I've had it all. Infuriating. I think it's all tight.

We all depends on how we're feeling that day, what we do. You're right. It is. It does go by feelings, but today I felt like I had some shit to do. This bitch was holding me up. Yeah.

I don't fucking appreciate it. Now, do you take the shopping cart back to where it's supposed to go or do you just leave it next to the car? Again, I used to be much more of a leave the cart next to the car, like right there. I would say lately I've been more of a return the cart guy. Return the cart guy. Yeah.

Bring it back in your older age. Yeah. Your mature years. Yeah. That is the civil. That is like the nice guy thing to do. That's what adults do is they return it. You're right.

You're gonna throw up. No, I'm not gonna throw up. What do you do? It depends. I in my past was a push the cart next to the car. I feel like that's more in your wheelhouse. It's I'm lazy. I'm not gonna lie.

Yeah. And if I feel the pressure of the part, the cars behind me. Yeah. I'll be like, I'm fucking returning this. I got to be honest. Even on my return the car days, which are more often than not. This winds a little old. I can't drink this.

I really feel like I go, Hey, couldn't you have a better system? Yeah. I don't want to walk with the cart. Yeah. Can there be like a cart receiver in every space? Yeah. Yeah. That's interesting.

It's something where you can lodge it like where you don't feel like an asshole. Right. Because even when you do it, you're like, I'm a fucking asshole. Right? Because it takes so long and everybody's eyeballing you. Oh, this fucking guy's going to return the fucking cart. Come on, man. Then there's that pressure of like, Oh, your Johnny do good now.

Yep. Yeah, I agree. I don't like that either. There's a lot of, there's a lot of pressure in the world. Now, I also have hate daggers. I had hate daggers behind me because the guy who was bagging my groceries took an extra long time. You know what I'm saying?

Like he took a really long time like prioritizing my items so as not to, you know, break them. Like I got a nice little Holly, you know, branch or whatever from, from Trader Joe's today and he didn't want to damage it. And he's like, Oh, I'm going to put this in another bag and I could see the woman behind me creeping up. You know what I'm saying? Like crowding in on me like, Oh, come on, bitch. But I'm like, it's not my fault dude.

He's bagging my shit. Yeah. Yeah. You feel it. You feel that energy. Like people hate staggering you. Of course you do. I know.

I do. It's other people. Yeah. That's why I can't. It's always a back and forth game. Yes. Certain days you're good. Yeah.

I think I feel like certain days. What do you, what you are is you want to be the best version of yourself all the time. Yeah. But you can't stay that aware all the time. No way, man. So, you know, there's days where you go, you're on point and you're just like, you're the good person all day every day and you make all the right moments and you observe people and you know, like you, you can recognize that somebody's having a bad moment and you,

you recognize that their unhappiness might be, is for something that's nothing to do with you. Yeah. And then you have your days where you're not seeing any of that stuff. Just not aware. Yeah. Yeah. You know, you're around all, you know, Super Soul Sunday.

Yeah. But that really is the essence of life is to kind of be conscious of, of how you're doing everything in your life. And when you're not conscious of it, sometimes you really even can't be accountable for just being a person in the moment. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you're obviously responsible for what you do and say, but I think it's just part of life.

Yeah. You, you yell shit when you're angry. Yeah. You can't be perfect. Even, even the Dalai Lama. It was, you remember when we talked about that, um, Alec Baldwin yelling at the paparazzi and then he lost his show because he screamed at them. One of our listeners sent us a video.

He uploaded his roommate playing Call of Duty online. Okay. And he said, you know, the guy's a great guy, but he says awful shit because he's playing this video game. This is how everybody plays. It's an unconscious thing. Huh? Yeah.

Come on. That's a fucking headshot. Oh my God. He came in. God damn it. God damn it. What the fuck is that in there? Fuck that.

Come on, you fucking faggot. God damn it. Oh my God. You fucking faggot. God damn you. God damn it. Oh my God. You fucking faggot.

God damn you. God damn you. God damn you. God fuck you. What the fuck? Everybody who plays video games falls down this rabbit hole. Of course. Every time.

Of course. Or in traffic, dude. Of course. This is just this example. You just say shit, man. Yeah. It doesn't, it's not, I don't buy, I think it's not a reflection. I don't, I don't think this is hate speech.

Here's a difference between slipping a faggot every now and then. Oh mother fucker faggot. I say off, I say cut nonstop. It's horrendous. The difference is between that guy slipping that and then having like a diatribe on Y. You also sometimes say big words. I, but that's in context. I don't just say big words.

Big words. I don't just say the big word. Just, just willy nilly. Okay. I say it in proper context. And I'm saying swears like nigger and stuff. I do not say that word unless it's in context of what we're discussing. Fuck.

Fuck you, faggot. Fuck you, fuck you. Fuck you, god damn it. Yeah, I mean like is this an awful guy? No, you're frustrated. Right. You're in the moment and you yell shit out. Well, I have to say I have many male friends who use the word pussy.

They're a fucking pussy. She's a con. She's a bitch. This and that. I don't take it personally and go, you're a misogynist. It's the very anti woman. You're like, no, no, no. I understand that people just say shit every now and then.

They say shit. It's the difference between a diatribe. And if you were in your, let's say you're in your biggest, your most heated moment. Yeah. And you were yelling at somebody and you were full of rage. Yeah. It was a guy, you might, you might even be like, you're a fucking pussy, man. I say pussy, yeah.

Right. You would channel it, but it would be out of rage. It's rage. And also, it's also the most, it actually goes to show the power of that word in the moment. Cause right now, faggot is the new big word. It is. It's replaced. It's, it's like, it's the word that like, it's, we've lived through the transition.

I know, which is wacky. It's so, it's, it's, it's weird. Right. Like you remember, I mean, just it being used the way, you know, don't be a faggot. And it had nothing to do with anything homosexual. I know. It's so crazy. I mean, my, my gay friends use it with each other, like, oh, so-and-so is such a faggot.

Yeah. I mean, I have a friend who says faggot in emails with me, like, okay, he's gay. He's gay. Yeah. No, it's, it is that word and it is the, it's like, but what's funny is I have a bit on stage where I talk about my doctor. Oh, right. Yes.

Who's the best? I love that guy. Yeah. And he's so funny. And the end, basically the guy of the end of this story, he, I farted. You farted. Hey, somebody's working on the title of main mommy. I want to be the main one.

Um, how he, I basically, he, you know, insults me and calls me gay, but when I was working the story out, I said faggot because he actually said that. Right. And he said it to me and he said it to you about me. Yes. So, and he did it to be funny. He did it as a joke. Yeah.

Um, but man, the funny thing was when I first tried to do that bit and I said it, it was amazing how I could tell times had changed. I said it within the context of somebody calling me right a faggot. Right. Dude, it was not okay on stage. Wow. I did it a few times. It wasn't like a one and done.

I did it in different rooms, different cities. And I figured it out. I was like, oh, I just, it had, it, it now strikes to accord where it takes them out of what you're saying. Cause they're so, it's one of those hot button words where they're not listening to the, yeah, yeah, yeah. What you're saying anymore. So I had to take it out and just kind of soft.

Can I tell you that this whole thing about policing words now we're, we become the thought police. Yeah. It's Orwellian double, double plus good. Let's police everybody's fucking thoughts and feelings because they're not correct that you don't agree with them. I, I don't care if anybody is sexist, racist, prejudiced against whoever, fuck you. If you're that way, good for you.

Enjoy yourself. Right. Go ahead and, and you fly your flag of bigotry, of hating homosexuals, of hating women and black. Go ahead. I don't fuck. What do I care? It just means I'm not going to talk to you.

Right. Yeah. It's better to know. Right. Yeah. Go ahead. Do it. Do you, bro?

And then I can go hang out with somebody else. But I don't know why we're going to change the world with this. Who gives a fuck about this Baldwin guy saying faggot? It's so crazy now that that incident made him lose his television show. Now this is Alec. This is the beloved. This is the best Baldwin. This is the best Baldwin.

Yeah. The most talented Baldwin. The handsomeest Baldwin. The best one by far. By far. Daniel, Steven, fuck out of here. I loved Alec Ball. God, I had such a crush on you.

It's Alec Baldwin. I go fuck your mother. Yeah. He's so hot. Oh my God. I would bang this shit out of Alec Baldwin. All right. Let's relax.

I would let him call me a faggot the entire time he was banging me. Okay. Oh, I would let him do things to me. Anal. I would let him just destroy my vagina. Jesus Christ. Just destroy it. He could rub that Australian Dream Cream all over my butthole.

It's so hot. Do you want to do it? Just put it in there. Let's quit the baby. Yeah. All the Baldwin's can run a train on me, but Alec could be the main train conductor. Empty my jar in you. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck. God damn it. Fuck. I used to play NCAA when I got back from work. I had a day job and I threw my remote control so hard one time that it lodged into the wall. Oh my God. So I threw it at the wall and it went into the wall and it was hanging out of the wall.

Yeah. You know, when I'm trying to get past level 70 of Candy Crush and it's fucking infuriating. How did you get past 65? Let's talk about that for a second. It took me so long. You were quiet for a while. Did you have a few when you were playing Candy Crush? Did you have a few?

God damn it. Any of those? I did, yeah. I did because it's not fair. The system's rigged, dude. It is rigged. But do you use the day changer thing? I've done that, yeah.

But then when the computer finds out, or is hell to pay. How does it find out? Because eventually you have to go back to your normal time on the clock. Right. And then it just knows and it penalizes you. It's like, oh, bitch, you thought you tricked me? I'll trick you back. No.

Yeah, it penalizes you. How does it penalize you? It knows and it's like, you got to wait 20 hours. It's pathetic. You call that a fart. That was a fart. You call that a fart? I'm the main mommy.

That was a fart. What fucking show is this? Is this your mom's house or is this children's farts? That was a children's fart. It was bassy and deep and brown. I don't know. I didn't hear the tones. Are you smelling it?

No, my head hurts. From that wave? Yeah. I got hit with a wave in the head. And it hurts my headache. My head hurts more today than it did two days ago when it happened. Great. I hope you're not dying.

I don't know. Please don't die. Why? Babe, everybody knows I have to die before you because I can't live without you. I don't want to live alone without you. Oh, babe, I'm not going to die. I want to die before you. Why?

I don't want to fucking see you die. I can't live. If you fucking die, I will die. I cannot live without you. You're my genes. You're the tightest pair. But we've been together for like nine years now. That's my entire life practically.

You're my life. That's not your entire life. My adult life. What do you mean? I'd be so sad if you died. I like you're going to die. I know that. Babe.

I cannot even think about it. Oh my gosh. Let's not. How long do you how long will you mourn after I die? Let's not forget that before me, you had. I have not actually heard my voice in the conversation for nearly three years now. You had a Chinese. He was the best.

He was a sweet guy. He was the best. Number one. A number one. Jesus. And then you're like second or third. What? Huh?

No, he wasn't. You're number one. Can't believe you said that. It was number seven. I can't believe you said that. You just put me down below your ex. My Chinese ex. Your Chinese ex.

Yeah. It's not about race. It's not about race. Is it? It's about. I was talking to Alonzo Bowden about this. Black Alonzo? Yes.

Black Alonzo. We did this game show together called Mind of a Man, which is going to be on BT. No, no, no. It's going to be on GSN and it's hosted by D Ray Davis. Steve Harvey. Steve Harvey. D Ray. And let's just say I was the only white girl on the show.

It was so ridiculous. It was so funny. I was so out of place on it. But Alonzo and I were talking about it. It's not even about race, right? When you, when you date somebody, it's about who they are and what, what they're about, right? At least with me, I don't know.

Your heart's filled with hate and bigotry. Why would it not be about that? It's always about that. It is, yeah. It's always about the person. Yeah. Of course. Of course.

But it's never not about that. I mean, for you, I don't know. You're pretty hateful, full of rage and bigotry. Okay. You ever dated a Chinese girl? I've never dated a Chinese girl. Oh, I'm sorry. What have you done with a Chinese girl?

Put it in her mouth. Oh, bullshit. You ever done anything with a Chinese girl? I don't know actually what her ethnic background, she was Asian. Are you sure? Yeah. Is this the African whore? No, that's a different girl.

Moroccan AIDS patient? She was German. So disgusting. This was an Asian girl. Yeah. Okay. Seriously. What kind?

I don't know. You don't know? I don't know. How do you not know? Because we didn't discuss it. Yeah, but I ask every Asian that I meet, like when I talk to them. It never came up. Like what kind of Asian are you?

That didn't come up. We didn't know each other that long. It wasn't like we knew it. But you put your painter in her mouth, you didn't even know what kind of Asian she is. We met at a party. And then just, oh, hi, I'm Tom. I'm Kim Chung Chung. And then put my painter in your mouth and that was it.

Pretty much. What a fucking whore. Yeah. I mean, you, you're the whore. Yeah. Yeah, it was fun for her mouth. It was it. It was just a mouth thing.

Okay. Mouth kisses, Asian mouth kisses. Yeah. City connection. Don't don't make that's racist. Why? You're saying that because she's Asian, I'm going to be like, oh. The song is in Japanese.

Rain, rain, day and while going into night. There's a, I'm a couple dancing tonight. Open your mouth. Tom's coming inside. Gonna do, it's gonna do. Baby, baby, baby. Coming in your mouth. Tell me, please tell me we played jeans connection.

No. Are you kidding me? No. Can I please pass this on to you now? Send it to my, you know where to send it. I'm going to send it right now to your, which email the mom's house? No. Okay.

I know I go, you're going to die. So this guy, can we play it now actually? Sure. Figure out how to do this. Yeah. How did we not play this before? I don't know because we, you know why we got it right before we left town? It was like, it was literally like the morning of us departing and I listened to

this and I fucking blew my mind up. Yeah. It blew my mind. I just emailed this to you. Please play this on my life. Okay. Okay. Hold on.

If by chance you play this, he doesn't want to be identified by his real name. Oh, okay. So don't say who played this. So you shall remain nameless, sir. Jean's a lot sir. Jean's a lot. Oh, okay. He doesn't want this.

His name. Yeah. Do not don't say his name, but it's cool. Up and down because that's what's up. Oh, thank you listener and that was in Japanese. Did you do that part? That was awesome. Thank you for making that person who doesn't want to be identified.

Thank you. That was awesome. That was really cool. I know I have to know what this Japanese bit is. I don't think he translated that. Well, he says or she, I can't even tell my Japanese ability is somewhat suspect. So I apologize for any language correction tweets. You might receive if you play the song.

Well, maybe we'll ask Yoshi Obayashi. Oh, oh, he did. Oh, as Yoshi, he does that talk. He said, I don't I don't I don't show. Oh, I eat the ass and pussy all the time. I got nothing. He's been traveling. He's been in Switzerland for three months.

He's a he's abroad. I fucked the girl with no arms and one leg. Huh? Hmm. Yoshi's a real piece of work. Yeah. I love you. Yeah, me too.

Wish he was here. I do too. Hey, so you're going to spend the weekend with Joey Diaz. Are you prepared for this? How can you be prepared for that? What do you think's going to happen? It's not even that the shows we're spending all day together. Right.

We're flying up together. We have cars picking us up in both like in wherever we fly into and then to the casino now driving back like our drives each way and then we fly to Eugene the same thing. So yeah, it's you guys are going to really bond. Oh, yeah. It's just the two of you together. That's it. Oh my life.

You're going to learn so much about him. Dog. Dog. You know what I'm saying? Dog. You guys are going to bond. You're going to be BFFs. You're going to probably smoke a lot of pot.

It's going to be a weed heavy weekend. Can you perform high? I've done it. You're going to fart? I've done it before. You're really forcing it. You're going to shit. I've done it before.

I don't I don't prefer it. Yeah, I hear you buddy. I like to be sober when I perform actually. Yeah, I can't. I don't fucking forget everything. I can't even drink alcohol. I forget stuff. I just feel like it makes me less sharp.

I'm just slower. I'm duller. Yeah. I feel the same way, bro. I feel like relaxing. I don't feel like doing a show. Yeah. You feel like fucking chilling out.

Yeah. Like spacing and thinking about. Yeah. Space. You want to watch me think? That be a fun show? No. Sit here and watch me go.

I know, right? Yeah. You're going to say kickboxing. Are you excited about this? I am. I need an activity. Yeah. I realize that my, the happiest I was with sports, just playing these sports, you know,

like we used to play basketball all the time, play tennis, do activities, racquetball. Yeah. It's a mess. Not do any of them. I don't have anybody to play with here. I'm not driving 40 miles to go play a fucking basketball game. Yeah. Yeah.

So I found a place right here. I've never done kickboxing before. I want to try it. I hear it's an amazing workout. And it's also, it's not just like running on a treadmill or something. It'll be an actual thing to do. That's pretty encouraging. I can't wait to hear how you, have you tried kickboxing before at all?

I've boxed. I used to take boxing lessons and I loved that my boxing class had some, you know, kind of shadow boxing, sparring sessions, shit like that, where you are, you know, engaged with other people. It wasn't like all out fights or anything. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? But I've never done kickboxing.

You know what I'm saying? So I feel like by incorporating the kicks, it's really a full body workout. Yo, yo. Here's what I can tell you. This is what's up. Is that I, you know, whether that, I can't even talk, I'm so fucking retardless today. When you and I hung out at Tangier back when I was like 26 years old. Yeah.

When you were with City Connection. When I was with City Connection. Yeah. When I was with Kung Fu in the park with this fuck. No, you laugh. It was a dope. It was like this 23 year old girl who was a black belt and she was like a fucking badass motherfucker Kung Fu teacher and she would teach us just how to do Kung Fu in the park

and we would do these rounds of kick, like Muay Thai kicks and punches in your bag. Those kicks alone, dude. I mean, just to kick a bag for three minutes at a time. It's so much work. It's so much effort and you're going to be in shape so fast by doing this. I'm excited about it. I'm really excited to try it. You're going to be in the best shape of your life.

You do that shit. Yeah. It'll be good. That's so good. Jeans. I can't wait. Yeah. We got it.

We gained a lot of weight on this vacation. Jesus Christ. I can't fit into my fucking pants. Yeah. I've given up on wearing pants all together this week. But we didn't hear from other people's pant stuffing Thanksgiving, but somebody did point us to this video of a man having a Thanksgiving meltdown. Oh, cool.

Fucking bastard, goddamn, whole truck, goddamn-y son of a bitch. Fuck. What are you cooking? To my fuck, that shit. To Marsh Thanksgiving. Who believes my goddamn marshmallows? That's for a goddamn soup plate. Now we can't wait.

Fucking goddamn turkey. Hold on. Yeah. He's throwing canned vegetables. Well, think about goddamn Thanksgiving. Yeah. That's why we left town, man. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. We left town, man. Fuck it. Goddamn motherfucker. Hey, the hot truck, don't open 11 tomorrow.

This ain't a goddamn pinkie wегie. You gotta be goddamn shakin'. Over goddamn motherfuckas marshmallow. That was for like— Wait a minute. It's just some marshmallows, bro. Mother fucking back instructions for the goddamn soup plate. You know what a goddamn soup plate is?

Motherfuckas maybe we got kids. You have a heart attack. You know, that's what the holidays do to people. I really think Christmas is coming now, and you and I will be home for that just because of our schedules this year. I'm excited for that. You know, I mean, you and I have decided

to kind of pass on both holidays this year. Yeah, it's a good thing. It's been the best. It's a good thing. I think because the expectations are so high for the holidays, like there's this expectation that everybody that you don't get along with will suddenly become perfect around a dinner table.

And just because if you decorate stuff nicely, maybe people will behave. But I think that's what ruins everything, is you think it's going to be different, and it fucking never is, man. Yeah, you know what the big bummer is for me? Is people go, well, if you're just with those other people that are family, then that's what's worth it.

And then I think as you get older, just being in the presence of people, and that's what holidays are about. But then I think as you get older, you go, no, I think what's worth it is my sanity and my happiness. In other words, you get to a certain age and you go, do I want to be around certain people? Do I want to be in certain situations?

And I think when you're younger for a while, it takes you time to be able to say, I don't want to be in the presence of certain people. Shitty people would never liked, yeah. Yeah, and you go, I don't want to do that. No. And it doesn't make me, it doesn't, when I do that sacrifice, it doesn't make me happier.

I end up being less happy. So maybe I'll just unplug, hang out with who I want to hang out with. Do you, bro? You dog and your wife, man. Yeah. Also, I believe I don't like, I fucking, and neither does my father.

If we called him and asked him, he would say the same fucking thing. I don't like buying fucking presents for people. Yeah. I mean, you're a fucking grownup. Buy your own shit. Buy what you want. You can fucking buy,

and I agree, like this whole expectation of buying the perfect gift for so-and-so. Like, what the fuck? Listen, the whole point of Christmas is the spirit of giving. It's a spirit of birth, right? Jesus is born, and the Savior, and it's about giving and loving

and being with each other. Not about buying tons of shit. And if you do go to, you know, yourmomshousepodcast.com and click on the Amazon banner to do so. Mm-hmm. Just shop whatever you're going to get. Get it there.

But, you know, I think the expectation of the perfect gifts and, oh, I'm getting a headache just thinking about buying gifts for our agents and managers and the lawyer and the fucking cousins and... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I think, like, after you hit a certain age,

you just go, you're good, right? I'm good. I'm good. Don't get me anything. No. How old are you? Yeah. You have a job?

Yeah. Kids, the holidays for children, to buy children toys and watch them have fun. But, like, as far as for adults, it should be Secret Santa. Yeah. You get fucking one person you buy a gift for, and that's it, man.

Didn't we do that one year with the Seguras? We did a Secret Santa, like, back in 08 when everybody was broke as shit? I don't remember. I really don't remember. No, we did, dude. We did. We did a Secret Santa, like, in 08

when we were, like, super broke and just got married and everybody was broke. It was great. It was fantastic. That's the way to do it. Yeah. Hundreds of dollars, man. I know.

You start spending, and then you're, like... The fuck? I'm spending savings. For what? To get somebody a present. And you get the shit that you don't even want. I know. And you get to return shit.

I don't return shit. I just say, you know what? But you never get back what you give. You never get back, like, oh, this is fucking, this is just what I, you know, just buy yourself some shit, man. What are you going to get me something awesome this year? You?

Yeah. Let me think about it. Get me something awesome. A new dog bowl? What? I'm going to get you a snore guard, a pure sleep thing. Can you use it? Can you mold it and use it?

I do. Like a new one? The dog has chewed the one that you've been using. Maybe you should remold a new one. I have a new one right there. Yeah, I know. Use it. All right.

I think I have damage from the wave. It's causing me to snore behind my nose. Oh, babe, please don't talk about the way. I can't lose you. Not yet, anyways. Not yet. Actually, no. Maybe now is the time for you to die when I still have my looks.

I can wrangle another Puerto Rican guy, you know. Oh my God. What? Now just die when I'm still young. I mean fucking A. Die when you're young. Yeah. Okay.

I can find replacement jeans. I wonder who you would get with. Oh, that's easy. You have it figured out already? Ryan Gosling. He's straight up boyfriend material. I love that. I love Ryan Gosling.

Um, Alec Baldwin. We've already discussed that. He just got married. He just had a kid. He's not on the market. He's not into it. One of his brothers would get a secondhand Baldwin. I don't want a secondhand Baldwin.

What are the Puerto Rican guys out there? What about the one that I like? What's his name? Benicio Del Toro. Is he single? I don't know. He goes that thing around. Yeah.

Yeah. He's older now though. I can get an older model of him. Yeah. He's definitely slugged it for a while. Who would you hook up with? Giselle Boonshin. She's occupied.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, just whoever's bending over. I don't care. Babe, that's not it. I don't care. Just nobody I'm friends with, please.

Why not? Why can't I do your friends? That's the whole point. You can't do my friends. Oh. But what if you're dead? Who cares? I fucking care because I can watch you from beyond.

You think so? Haven't you watched that show where the guy talks to all the dead people crossing over? John Edwards. I think I would do this to your friends. Which friend? Any of them, all of them. Shawna, would you do it to Shawna? It's rude.

I mean, we don't have to call them out by name. Jeez. She's been on the show. She's familiar with it. She listens to this podcast. No, I would not do that to Shawna. Better not. She's a very sweet girl.

Very sweet girl. Give me that hold. Come on. Do that to Shawna. She'd be old. Thank you, sir. Shawna's way better than that. She deserves more than that.

All right. Oh, yo, I'm going to make scones tomorrow morning. You excited about that? Fuck yeah, man. Dude, I got this new Trader Joe's box. You just have to add water. You don't even have to fucking add eggs or nothing. You're talking like such a bro.

How cool is that? Oh, man. I just got fucking excited, bro. You get this fucking thing. You have to add water, bro. You shut your pie. You talk like that sometimes. You're like, oh, shit.

It's your public school days. I don't talk Mexican. You totally do. Mexican, dude. It's fucking LA. I talk bro. Throw in an orale, because I say you talk. I talk bro when I'm excited.

Guys, we love you. Orale, oh, shit. Thank you for listening to our show. Please visit your mom's house podcast.com. Please follow us on Twitter at Tom Segura at Christina P. Keep your jeans higher than your eyes. Let's keep drinking. All right.

I love you guys. Keep the jeans up. We love you. I'm wiping down. I'm wiping down. I'm wiping down, because that's what's up. I got a pull-up of mine. Podcast, a whivel.

It's a top dog parade. Jeans, connection. I'm wiping down. I'm wiping down. I'm wiping down. I'm wiping down. I'm on these hands. Jeans, connection.

Just blur. Let's do the show. I'm wiping down. Because that's what's up. Got a full of jeans.