Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 179-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

Yoooooooo! We got some jammy jams for yo you know what. Plus we examine the age old question - "How loud is annoying when having an orgasm?" Yup, that's too much. We appreciate each and every one of you "Little Mommies" and this episode we show that appreciation by talking to one of you on the phone and giving a shout out to many more! It idn't Greazy or nuttin. Jeans Connection is no longer a mystery - we have it TRANSLATED! Plus TOP DOG is back with more Brown Talk, Murder and a whole lot more! You're gonna wanna stab someone in the chest with a fork and knife after this one!

Yeah, I would definitely I'd do that for you would you but would you'd have to wear like tidy whiteies though I'll wear tidy whiteies for anything you want me to wear them for so what about my my special black ones The European cut my European cut I would love for you to wear those a listener sent us a French video of a guy strip teasing And at the very end of it He's wearing he strips down to tidy whiteies and he turns back to camera and there's a huge brown stain on it How'd that make you feel? Perfect, you love that like the world made sense for once you love you love that don't you?

Of course so good. It's just so good. So good. Here we go Oh Crazy Oh Wow three words Amazing that's max newman right max newman for life. Yeah, this guy has the best songs Holy shit. You knocked that out of the park Max that was great, man. Yeah, unbelievable. I think the key to his genius. He also did. Oh, oh my gosh

And the key to his genius is that it's not only funny, but the beat is like surreal beat so so fun Thomas Earl, thank you for this. This is summer jeans This audio instrumental right here and thank you very much max Newman though we commend you we applaud you and we're just asking for more Yeah, your jeans are so tight with that one. Yes Um What's up little jeans you want to go you want to say something? I want to say something I want to say something. Oh man, so much great feedback on uh, maria's episode. It just went

That was a winner. Yeah, that was outstanding. Yeah, that's standing. Yeah, we got we have some good stuff for you the story today too um We are uh We're very happy to be doing this show. We're very thankful Just for all of you. We have a lot of new listeners. We welcome you aboard. Sometimes people ask us questions via email or twitter People say what does this word mean? What does this expression mean? You know, we realize we have our own lexicon

Going on this show. You know what you're gonna get there. Just listen to a couple episodes Sometimes we don't even know what the words mean. Yeah, sometimes it's more of like inferring, you know what I mean? You know what I'm saying somebody just for sure just listen to that song and it was like, what's that song all about? You're gonna figure it out Chuck Woolery. Chuck Woolery. Yeah, didn't greasy Australian dream Empty jar guarantee. Yeah Jeans, you're gonna be uh an atlanta soon 18 December 19th through 22nd atlanta punchline atlanta georgia come see me do uh stand-up comedy

Which is really how I make my living if you guys don't know That is what I do and then um December 27 through 31st dc improv with my jeans T nuts and I can't wait. Yeah, we're gonna co-headline a week at dc improv and then Do a special new year's eve show. It's gonna be so much fun. So glad to spend that with you boo boo. Me too. Me too I hate being alone

Or being without you on the holiday. I don't like being without her Sucks don't like it at all. Um, and then you guys do you live in Anchorage, Alaska? I do. I'm sorry if you do in january because that's a very cold month. I'm assuming and I'm an alaska resident When did you become californian? I just I mean, I'm just spending time in here. I live in alaska. Yeah, okay. How about do you live in Anchorage? Yep Funny, that's where I'll be performing January 17th through 19th at the platinum jacks comedy club platinum jacks with two x's

Comedy club in Anchorage, Alaska. Nice. I can't I'm I'm gonna have to north face on top of north face Yeah, you're gonna have to get some gear double. I'm gonna get you some uh, some long johns before that trip Holy, um, how cold do you think it gets there in alaska? Definitely below 50 Below 50. Absolutely below today. It was uh 68, do you think it'll get colder than that here in ally? Yeah, I think it'll be like like I said, it might be like 49 or 50 Damn, that's real cold

Real cold after that at the end of january january 20 night through february 1st. Kansas city improv Kansas city Missouri Get some barbeque some cue on that. Yeah. Yeah. I love Kansas city. Eric. Wendy's there. Oh, yeah Spending time with the lunderpants. We'll get an update from him. See how his love life is going. I remember that Do you remember that? Yeah, we had a lot of people wanting to date him when we did that episode. We did. Yeah Yeah, we had to turn some rods down turn beat that pussy away

Okay, that's not really how I beat that puss puss away. It's not just pussy. They're people that he needs to date That's not how I see him Well, how do you see it? Just open holes. Okay, right. You're looking for something to fill it up. Okay. Can you turn my microphone up? You're just asking to turn it down. Yeah, and then I want to hear my own voice better there. That's beautiful That's where it was. I know, but it's like I don't want to go deaf like rush limbaugh doing the show rush limbaugh Please feminates Um, yeah, so

That's a nice song too, by the way. Thomas. Yeah, beautiful. Thomas Earl with his summer jeans on very nicely done. Thomas. Very nice Let's um, let's start this show. Fine. We're so long into this show It's our show. We do it. We do whatever the heck I want to. You want some wine? Yeah Oh Geez Don't bring anyone loving to this Welcome welcome. Welcome to your mom's house With Tom Segura

And Christina Pajitza Why would you move that as I started don't don't act like because I wanted to help you I thought you were gonna pour too far. I was trying to push it closer to you. Oh, please. Hey, hey Don't act like you're the one concerned with cleanliness in this room. You're you're concerned about cleanliness First of all One of the mommy's clean the first of all, I I believe I'm the candidate for main mommy because I clean the podcast room today Our podcast to do by the way looks spotless because I hauled out Two ginormous garbage bags full of bullshit

I admit I contribute to some of that bullshit But a lot of it Was bare bullshit like a bear When he comes home from the road just empties his pockets and all the stuff that he found on the ground and in caves He just throws it all over the place. I'm not gonna fight you. You did a wonderful job Thank you. You really made this office like way better. Thank you. Give me my reward Yeah You're about to get it

You're there's something too to be said that even here's is interesting Even when we always think that people that are naturally neat Yeah, you know have that in them and they enjoy that but that's not what i'm saying. Okay. I'm saying the naturally sloppy person Really enjoys Having a clean place. Yeah, like it feels better in here now It does. I feel more relaxed in here now Yeah, and that's the thing is that you and I are we're naturally pigs like we both are really dirty Fucking animals and I like cleanliness too. I enjoy it. It's just a matter of doing it

Is as with everything in life As with everything but now I took the dog to the dog park. Look how he's sleeping. I know he's out, dude I went um edited my special today. Yeah That's exciting and I mean, um, you know It's good. Do you feel good about it? Not a hundred percent I don't think you ever feel great about Stuff nobody does it's normal if you if you were like

I'm fucking amazing. It's great. You'd be you'd be as sociopathic. I hope it's all right median I can't really I have a hard time eyeballing it, you know I'll I'll watch it if you want. Yeah, I want you to watch it second opinion. Sure I think I think you're fantastic and yeah, actually, I actually I don't want you to watch it because you'll tell me I did good No matter what no, but here's what I'll help you edit down stuff I think you're fantastic. You are a fantastic comedian. Come on. Don't put yourself down. Yeah, it's hard to watch It is hard to watch it's hard to watch yourself, but whatever um point of the story is your son

Theohuckstable uh this week had crippling diarrhea Good news is my husband went out of town So I was left alone to stay up with our dog Shitting every hour on the hour and yeah, that was I felt bad for you Uh, I was up till seven in the morning With the dog taking a shit. That's terrible. I did feel terrible and there's nothing I could do the thing is

is that uh It's diarrhea the thing is is that uh theoh's it was like liquid brown like I'd never seen this dog Shoot liquid brown like that before and the best part is like I let him out like every like four in the morning We were out there and um He circles and circles to find just the right spot and he would only shit on either our hose Or a shovel. He's like I have to spray in the right area. It's so funny, but he's good now. He's all back together Hilarious. Yeah poor little buddy poor little jeans and then um, I had loose stool as well this week, but

You know It's neither here nor there either here nor there um What is the uh The thing oh, we have our winners. Oh, yeah, we should laughter from laughter First guest the first place get well actually we should go in reverse third place Right gets a shout out on our show. This was our laughter that we did. Um, they streamed our show live

From the ice house in pasadena. Yes, we had full charge was on with us Um, this was a live show and you could stream it live through laughter. We also had like bidding on some prizes We said we were going to donate the money to wounded warriors But what we found was that there is an organization that allows you to donate All all the proceeds. So here's the story apparently the wounded warrior project doesn't give money Like you said directly to families and I think tom and I our hearts are more into giving money to people that need it like now So I found about it's a thing called operation family fund That gives money directly uh to the families of soldiers and people who need assistance because of

Doing patriotic things for our country. That's fantastic. So we're going to donate uh to operation family fund Yes, and it's over two hundred and fifty dollars at this point is what I've been told. That's fantastic So our third place winner steve arrellano. I'm okay Um, steve. Thank you so much for bidding. Um, I wish we knew more about you. You have a very nice Authentically hispanic last name. Can you pronounce it again arrellano? Oh Um, and he may be associated with the arrellano philx cartel Was one of the most brutal

violent and prolific drug cartel families in Mexico. Oh, that's neat. I hope he is if you are Saludos Hey, Ben Benito's and Ben and Ben Benito's to you and yours in tacos um second place Is juma t

j u m a h juma I've never heard that name before t e Uh-huh. I hope we're not destroying your name. Maybe a yuma or something. Okay. That's why I threw it out there to yuma Is it yuma juma or yuma? We don't know We don't know. Does this say where they're from? Out here in california. Oh, okay Um, mr. Mrs. Juma juma or yuma Uh, also gets a bikes

Shirt. Nice. We're gonna send you your very own bike shirt With a personalized note that you'll just have to wait and see what it says Sir or madam. That's exciting. Thank you guys. Uh-huh and Finally our first place Guest winner of the bid is mr. Tom Hastings. Whoa, you guys uh share the first name. We do Tom. Was that on purpose? One because of his first name Um, so what we're gonna do right now is try to get Tom on the phone. No way. I'll say. Oh, how fun

Let's give this a shot. Are you ready? Yeah, for sure Wait, what what? Tom just told me for for those of you listening. He goes you you ruin every moment I ruin every moment as my husband said, but I'm saying Like I'm just saying moments in our lives, right. I ruin all of them Here, let's let's get a little sweeping. Isn't it? It's kind of a generalization. I hope he answers me too It might be late. He's east coast. I think oh gosh It's nine. Yes. He's all right. It's nine o'clock at night. I know

Hello, Tom Yes, hey, it's it's Tom Segura and Christina your mom's house. You're you're the winner of our contest We holy crap Hi Yeah, well, uh, this is california time. Oh, yeah, sorry. Are you asleep? Did we wake you up? No, no, actually, you didn't wake me up. It It might be a perfect time. Uh, yeah, it's definitely florida time. So You're in florida. How are you doing? We're doing great. Um, where are you in florida?

Uh, kate coral kate coral. Where's that? Yeah, uh, Probably about an hour and a half south of florida, uh, Tampa. Okay. Okay. What are you doing right now, tom? Um, I actually It's really honestly if you want the gods on the truth. Yeah, I can actually take a snapshot of this day I was like, well, I'm online right now watching a bird cast with uh, joey Diaz Oh Bert and is it a live one? No, it was uh, well, actually, I think you were on this tom. Oh, that's uh, that's old

That's episode number one of bird cast. Yeah. Yeah, tom sagira johnmore and adam. Yeah, number 12 I remember that that was a bird's house on a holiday. Yes. Wasn't that like it was the first one he recorded? Yeah But maybe he really we were all there. Oh, no, you're right. This is different. This is This is his this is Thanksgiving. Yeah, that's right. That's when we don't know. I remember that I was with lian Well, tom, um What you you look at you guys doing we're doing great. We're you're on the show We're on we're doing the show right now and we announced we announced the winners. You are the first Place winner. Um, let's ask you that yeah

Good job, buddy. Good job. Thank you. We wanted to let you know that we're actually the All the bidding money is going to be donated To what is it operation operation family fund family fund? So it'll go directly to an organization that gives all the money To the family of veterans and people who are currently Enlisted right and then and and it was understood that that the money was going to be donated But I I have to definitely do like three things here real fast Okay, I gotta give a shout out

I gotta give a shout out to um, my my bidding competitors right here Jumba juice was amazing and uh wipe down was definitely amazing Okay, yeah And I mean that was something special I mean wipe down was with me all day long and uh jumba juice came really really fucking strong at the end and uh, yeah, it was really something and uh, you know, I I wound up winning and I and I'm happy that I won and um One other thing while i'm thinking about it Um, I would not even be involved in any of this right now. There was not for mitch mick nutter or mitch nutter

Uh hiding from my wife hiding from my wife There's no way I would even have known about you guys I I I went to twitter really late And uh, he accidentally was part of my twitter thing and it just all of a sudden And he just opened up my eyes to uh all podcast and everything else and you know, I gotta give him much love for that guy That's two episodes in a row that mitch got. Yeah, you got episode. Yeah, love on our last episode. So yeah It's pretty serious. I mean Honestly, I had no idea about any of this and I was just regular radio listening. You know, it was just

I don't know. I was a dumbass with my head in the sand But it's so neat that I like everybody on this twitter universe finds each other and we're all kind of part of this I think kind of new cool movement like it really is a Subculture it really is a movement. So we're I don't know. It's neat. I'm glad you're a part of it. Yeah, it's really cool Yeah, it's definitely something different and and I don't think that Um, regular radio understands this movement. No And it's yeah, and it's definitely gonna be something that they need they need to worry about real soon because I mean like

This is the christmas season right now. We're um all regular radio. There's there's no ratings right now So everybody's taking like two weeks off and everything else and and stuff like that. So well, I'm I'm you know busting down to podcasts and and I love all these podcasts and I've saved up podcasts that I haven't heard So now I have like two weeks of podcasts that I'm just gonna be very very happy with that's awesome Yeah, and I saved them up and and you know the bubble of sponges the top heads everything else I mean, you know, god bless them But you know, they kind of suck because they can't say buck. They can't say shit. They can't you know They can't do anything like they can't wipe down right now. Tom definitely can't wipe down

No, tom we have a very important question for you Before we go on How high and tight are your jeans? 32 ways definitely above my hips I finished him up pretty hard about a a minute ago once I heard you Perfect that's fantastic and you're right about the movement man the the movement Is you know, it's like an unspoken like no one's like really saying we're trying to do this But it's happening anyway and that is that

All these different voices about it. Yeah, there's yeah, there's no there's no two ways about it I mean, what what are you gonna do with on you know, you can't go anywhere anymore to get uncensored stuff I mean, you know It Listen, I've been playing rock and roll guitar for a long time and the reason that I have was because in 1978 I was riding in a car with my dad and I heard fuck on the radio when um, uh You know, the who came on and said who the fuck are you? And I thought, you know, that that is the coolest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life

I got to do that. So I started playing guitar So now this is like the new thing with that. You can't say fuck on the radio anymore You can't you can't do shit on the radio anymore. Yeah, and you damn sure can't hear people like yourselves and joey Diaz Or joe rogan, you can't I mean you just you can't hear that anymore. Yeah, I think this is the new Go ahead. You're right. I it is a new thing and I I also think it's uh, it's a people's hungering For honesty, I think people are desperate to connect in a real way You're exactly right. I mean you you're a girl that farts, right? Thank you Yes, and you and I could verify that I can definitely verify

Yeah, you can definitely verify that so I mean there's no more honesty in a girl farting on You know live on the podcast so I mean, you know, where are you gonna find that anywhere? That's a good point I should tell my agent that they don't seem to understand your four your farts are more than just airbag You're really saying something with those. Oh good. I'm so glad well. I'm glad tom appreciates it at least. Yes So yes, it is it's fantastic to have the podcasting world. We obviously are huge Fans and advocates of it and it's been very good to us. We're very thankful for listeners like you who not only listen and and our fans of the show, but you know, you did a good thing by

participating in the bidding and We're sending it all. It's it's over $250 is the The amount that we've been told by them is going to be That was bid on it's all going to go to operation family family fund Well, that's fantastic. And like I said, um, you know, it It was uh, it was a fun time It was just really something fun to do and I literally laid in my bed and did it

Yeah, that's awesome. I I'm just to god. I did I was in boxers I you know, I was scratching my nuts and and and I actually uh, I was bidding against white down and jump at jews and Everything else and you know, but you know, like I said before I would be nothing without Mitch Nutter. So all right Hiding from my wife. I got to give him a huge shout out. Yeah, you got it. All right, man You did it and uh time you did a good thing. Thanks for donating and um, and we appreciate you listening to the show, man Thank you. All right guys. I will always listen. All right. Thanks a lot buddy. Take care, man. Have a good one All right, you too. Bye Um, that was great. I kind of want to do that with more listeners. I think that's so much fun. That was fun tom

Hastings from was it cape coral? Yeah, cape coral. I've never heard of that giving the love again to Mitch Nutter hiding from my wife on twitter hiding from my wife. She's a really funny twitter Don't we have some Mitch stuff right now? Coincidentally, the weird thing is is that this is such a coincidence that tom brought Mitch up because Uh, he happened to send us some audio Mitch of his wife That we were going to use in today's show. So this is kind of bizarre and serendipitous Yeah, do you have it queued up? I do. I have it right here. So this is our Mitch He sent this to us via email. Um, he's like, this is my wife

talking about stabbing somebody And he says in the email we are at the dinner table with our children As as this, um Conversation takes place The great Mitch Nutter everybody recorded this. Let's see if we can get this to play

Please play here we go It's off my hand Honey, have you really been stabbed by a fork? No. Have you ever stabbed somebody with a fork? Yes Really hard Really hard too makes you kind of understand the twitter handle. Yeah a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, he's hiding Jay Did you did you really fork anointing fork anointing? I'll tell you about the chest with a knife. You stabbed a man in the chest with a knife

How far did it go in? How far did it go in? I don't know bottom scared. It was in her house Did you just come between like? No, he kept picking Jamie up when he was a baby to him out. Jamie was gone with him and I kept telling him no, he's not No, he's not going to put him down And he kept on getting us up the guys like that knife stabbed me in the chest My baby don't wear if I say no doesn't do that. I'm gonna kill you first He got scared in life I like the um the tag right there

After the stabbing she goes he got scared left like He got scared. She said it like he got scared of something I yelled Like he got scared when I screamed that I was going to hurt him. No, he got scared You mean after he had a fork and knife in his chest. That's when he got scared. Okay He got scared left. He got a salt control. He got a salt I'm gonna hand take him up, baby. Nowhere Look at I don't feel somebody up in my field. I don't even think I know that I don't know

No, you shouldn't be she'll kill someone for you. That's what she's saying. She'll fillet them. She's not gonna kill you Yeah, nothing Although she did threaten to stab you I think I will kill somebody for you and I would die for you That's nice. That's a motherly. Yeah. Can I tell you I actually I like her and I appreciate her moxie I feel the exact same way. It's your baby. Do you have someone mess with Theo? I'd stab that motherfucker straight in the heart with a knife. Theo grew in your womb Yes, you gave birth to him and you raised him. I licked. I licked the amniotic fluid off of him Held him to my breast and suckled him. Of course. Yeah, somebody tries to take him

Hell to the no, this is what this is what motherhood's all about stabbing people to try to hurt your baby This whole world better be careful when it comes to my kids. I think we are That's good. She's awesome. Yeah, she's great. You got a good one, Mitch. Yeah, that is fantastic Do we have her name? I wish I knew it was just her first name. I don't know her name I don't know. Does she know she's on her ship? I don't know if we need to know her name I think that might actually get us in trouble. Yeah, that's true. It was pretty awesome, Mitch. Thanks for that Our opening clip. We just kind of abandoned. Oh, you're right The reason that it had like crazy music and stuff in it is we were playing it directly from the source

It's a source that some of you know, we've certainly gone to them for a bunch of audio before It's a wonderful site called effucked The letter e fukt.com They have a lot of very very very Very very did I say very a bunch a little very not safe for work Videos that often cover the adult industry Sometimes they have bloopers. Sometimes they're just mocking and humiliating somebody in this case. They're showcasing

The 10 worst orgasms ever filmed And this is also this is today is like listener appreciation day. Sure. Yeah, who'd this come from? Yeah, this is from another listener. Uh, josh from portland And josh is responsible for sending us the original angel Uh fallacious secrets who by the way made her way to stern this week A lot of you caught that and let us know but you also appreciated the fact that we had her way Way before um

Howard Stern put your dick between your legs so All you need to do is do this So there's angel, right? I guess she was on stern. I think it's cool that we had her first. Of course What else so this is top 10 Top 10 most like just horrifying orgasms if a lot of you listen at work and you tell us speakers or whatever we're playing You want to turn those down? Plug in the headphones. Put your buds at this point. This is crazy

Oh It's quite a squeal she's in the dog. He's got her in the dog and he's just laying the hammer right now That's horrifying She looks like well, she looks like a combination of it feels good and it hurts real bad I think I think it feels good for her because I've watched this but I think she's just being dramatic Well, I think that's part of What why they use the word performer and performance it all look at you Yoshi Yeah, you know if you're comfortable doing sex on camera

It is you're supposed to play it up. I mean that's the whole thing It doesn't have to feel as good as it looks you just make it look that way But this genre would be extreme feeling good Acting and this guy has a hog on him and he looks like he was built to do this. So maybe it is I don't know Oh She's biting See but I would feel duped if they stopped and she was like, oh, are we are we changing position? Like is that does that sound good?

Right, right. Oh, come on. Can I have some more coffee? Yeah Work it baby work How creepy is that guy gross? Oh like he's a curious cosby. Yeah, and this one doesn't look very professionally filmed This is like it could be authentic. Yeah, this this other one here This lady's in stirrups. Oh my god, this one's my favorite one and he's Shoving what looks like a small tree into her manually Wait, wait, she's in stirrups Yeah, yeah, this one's horrific

And and then the dildo is going into her bum kicks. It's huge. It's so big And she's screaming that one's not pleasure That's a little uh like mac sf like Thank you, sir the the uh Can I tell you what's great jeans? Is that this email came in and immediately I was like, oh, this is tom's wheelhouse Thank you, sir. That's so fucked up that I have to I get an email from you It's like oh, it's came from my wife. What does this say and all it says is definitely your wheelhouse And then I scrolled down like what is this and then I look here. Is it inspirational? Is it yonla van sant?

Oh, babe, you're terrible. Is it Oprah super soul sunday? She's There's so much fluid coming out of her what she does she's she it wasn't in her butt cool He's touching her butt, but it was in her vag and he is Literally he's dropping like a transmission and there is enormous And then she's just shooting it everywhere and screaming like this now. Which one is the vibrating machine? That's coming up next. Okay. That one's my favorite. Yeah, okay Oh

So this woman is pinned in all kind her her arms are tied behind her her legs are pinned With her knees up. She has a blindfold on and a gag in her mouth And there is like a 355 horsepower engine Thrusting a dildo into her ass So hard and so fast that her vag lips are flapping in the wind. Yeah, it's pretty incredible Oh It's hammering her asshole that's her ass and do you realize that for some people It has to be this exact combination of things to get off for them to get

Excited. Yeah, like I got here's what I got to have guys I got to have a mouth gag a ball gag. I got to be blindfolded I got to be hooked up to like a sabian machine. Yep, and I got to have a big black Dildo, is that what they're called? Is that the simbian? Sibian? Oh, the Sibian. That's what Stern had. Yeah I just be hooked up to a Sibian and I have to have a big black dildo in my butt In order to in order to have a normal orgasm. Yeah All right, anything to happen

And her tits are tied with ropes. They're what they're tied with the ropes around them super tight What was your childhood like? I'm coming. This one is super authentic. It's very amateur and it's a woman masturbating Oh, this is a nice change that woman's was horrible That one seemed more normal to me than the others though Yeah screaming high pitched is annoying. That was like, I could I could maybe make that sound maybe theoretically This one I like is that the focus shifts and now This is a man who has a horrendous orgasm. Finally while a woman is riding him. Where are the dudes at? Finally

Where are the dudes at? Here we go What the fuck is that? What was he doing? Can you describe the scene? She was riding the pony And just normal just back, you know back and forth kind of just riding and it just overwhelmed him He was like, oh, he's squeezing her till he was like, oh my god. Oh, you know, I kind of feel disappointed that our buddy Um, and you said it's listener appreciation day. Yeah, Dan low. Remember we played this this didn't make its way into the cut Oh Geez

All right, I think it felt good. I think it was that was a really good good feeling Finish already god Geez, yeah, that was come on a little dramatic here. Here we go. Here's another one She's riding it too. She's riding the dog right now writing the dog. Sorry. She's she's riding him His dog his okay, okay, miss the cowgirl or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, regular. Okay I would be a little alarmed if that was the orgasm I was hearing and looking at what if you What what if like Like what if we're

In dating you and me and I did that would that be a deal breaker? I don't think it's not a deal breaker But if this is the first like if you're sleeping with someone the first time Yeah, I'd be like, okay. I mean, that's definitely that story would get told I've like I hooked up with this chick last night and This very um peculiar orgasm it sounded like she was um Losing a leg as we were doing it. That's what I would I think something like that would come out of my mouth Oh This one's pretty good this girl her legs are pinned back pretty far She's in you know missionary, but the legs are really pushed back far and he is

Devotedly giving it to her and she's really really Exaggerated about this feeling Oh Her mouth by the way is what she never closes her mouth. So she's expecting what's next, you know You gotta think that she's in she's a seasoned Poor girl We're at a new girl now Jeez she is

He is sitting back leaning. She's facing away from him. He's holding her legs underneath As they're spread out and he's just giving her he's black and she's white and she's like wow this feels different I was hammering her. Oh, he's in her ass right there They cut to different shots. That's so funny. This is it's funny that that's a black guy Because this is exactly what it's like to be with the Puerto Rican too. Do they have a Puerto Rican one? Yep, none none of these like if you could see her face It looks like she is not playing up and she's not exaggerating and also It does not look like she's enjoying it at all. She has the face of somebody that's in so much pain right now

Like you know when you can just see it like she's she is grimacing They put her in every position with this guy and she is screaming in genuine pain. Yeah, but okay, but am I aroused 100%? but it's also For her it's like a thousand dollars, you know what I mean 1500 maybe that no with anal 1500. Oh, right Yeah, there's an hour Now they put the paws on they put the they dropped a bead on us for the 10th one. This is supposed to be my favorite one too Okay, ridiculous Oh my god

Do you want to paint this picture? Okay, so it's a guy. He's like he looks like Hans Christian Andersen He's like white blonde and then he's got the flashlight. Yes and He's alone He's alone and he's masturbating with the flashlight and he's really making a big to-do about it talking to you On he's looking into camera. Yeah talks to the flashlight talks like there's another human there, right? And um that we should just allow this to play. Yeah uh

Fucking intense man fucking intense So fucking hot. You have no fucking clue. No fucking clue all of them. You all of them. You all of them All of them you yeah, baby Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Oh, holy shit. God damn it. Oh, so jump There's nobody there. No, it's him in the flashlight. So it's a good Saturday night More wine Cindy. I'm all right. Thanks Yeah, fuck that Fucking pussy. Yes

God damn it Oh All of it God all of it what what's the all of it just you know life fucking hell John's canadian is he canadian? That's what I'm saying You know what that that I think was man, that was a dude's um Now that like I see it here. I think that was a guy

on a webcam For people paying Gotcha. Gotcha. That's what people are like. Here's you know, you know what though? I will say for him is that he made something Kind of uncool seemed cool What part was cool? I'm a little confused Where's the cool like okay, like okay the flashlight may not be cool to a lot of guys, but now it's cool

Made it look this really cool guy. I had to right like he made it look like a super fun normal fun time thing to do It's all about your attitude. Tom. That's what dr. Phil says. It's all about an attitude of gratitude Listen to you attitude of gratitude Love it That made me feel dirty. That was disgusting. Yeah, I don't feel great. Can we change the subject now? Yeah, absolutely. I'm sure a lot of people feel the same way You insisted You me. Yeah

Okay I'm so gross Let's change the subject here. Okay. So a while ago we played city connection Submission from one of our listeners who wants to remain nameless. Okay, and um, he put in a Japanese part To the song on his own. Do you want to can you pull up that song jeans? Yeah? Well, let's see here Oh We almost said he can actually the original one was done by Emmanuel Lewis Webster and then it became like a song in japan a big famous song

We've been playing that non-stop right on our show and then a listener to his version. I'm just pretty great Right, right Hi Oh So great masterpiece. Yes. Thank you jeans connection. Thank you very much for that So there's a part in japanese. Yes, we heard we all just heard it right so, uh So the the guy that made the song sent in the lyrics and you know, it's what what tashi? Why oh jino mo teiru? That's what okay, so his translation of it is I have a poop

and the second line is it hurts really badly But rome wasn't built in a day That's what he literally said. That's what he that's what he wants to say. That's what he wants to say. Yeah, okay Okay, say it again. I have a poop and right. I have a poop. Hold on. Hold on. Let me scroll back down It's I have a poop. It hurts really badly, but Rome wasn't built in a day. This is what he desired to say. This is the intention But what he actually said so this is great. So then we got this email from a guy who's

Currently living in japan And he has japanese wife And he goes I heard the song and I had to wait for my wife to come home And she laughed and laughed when she heard the japanese part the part part So here is the translation that this guy says it is I have to poop. That's a really bad thing Rome wasn't built in a day Uh, is that the same thing? No, what did that guy think it was? No, I have to poop. It hurts really badly

What that was the original intent, but I have to poop. That's a really bad thing. Rome wasn't built in a day But he said that that even that's not Really a good translation, right? What's he what does he say is the way he goes? I must explain to you my laughter and my wife's the part where the unnamed listener says I have to poop is not a literal translation. What they are actually saying is i'm holding a poop I'm holding poop in my hand. Just i'm holding poop. I'm holding poop Is someone who has studied the language? I immediately knew what they were trying to say They most likely started out

The song in english and tried to directly translate the english into japanese So in english we say I have to poop They looked up the word heaven in japanese and thought it was the same thing, but the nuance Is meaning to hold which is funny because what you want to say So in japanese we would say I want to poop in order to express our urge to use the restroom Oh, that's funny, but in the guy's defense who made the song. He's like dude my japanese, of course Yeah, of course. He made a wonderful song. Yeah, um, and we thank you for letting us know that. Yeah Yeah, my cousins used to come over and they always

Um were very hesitant reluctant and fought the Um expression taking a shit really why because it just didn't add up in their head to take it away Yes, so like if you said I have to take a shit they're like where where do you take it? Right, so they would always say I have to make shit that would that make sense Of course it may a lot and I would always bust their balls Yeah, uh about it, but of course it make like literally it makes sense They would say I have to make a shit now Right I have to make shit make shit to make it. I'm gonna take a shit. Why you said take a shit take where?

Yeah, I agree. Yeah making kaka is a little yeah, I said More specific because you wouldn't translate if you translate I have to take it like yavadlo That you go it does There's no Form for them that that that makes sense To go in a toilet that yavadlo that means like actually Put what into a package and you want to take it somewhere right and there is no right and I think in german too. It's uh To to to make a shit like yeah, why do we take it? I have a schize

Machen or something. I don't know how to fucking why do we take it though in english? That doesn't even make sense. I gotta take a shit take it take the shit The english is a very difficult language. There's so many nuances so many illogical things I'm trying to think in hungarian even Oh, kaka on the kaka on the keo. I have to shit. I have to I have to the imperative like Yeah, kel meaning Uh to do to want to do I guess interesting need

um well speaking of Taking shits. Hey buddy It's top dog Hey, buddy. It's top dog Hey, buddy. It's top dog You need to wipe down It's top dog

Um jumped on the horn with the old man Had a nice little talk I have some uh highlights for you here. Oh boy Hey, buddy. Hey dad How you doing? Good. You hear me? Yeah, you're fine. Okay. Good um What's going on?

Well, we just uh ate at a uh Japanese restaurant. What? Pugiyama and a lot of oriental stuff even even kind of Use chopsticks a little bit Really you can tell how proud he is right of well. That's really not his steed. Yes Doesn't like that out of his comfort zone doesn't like italian doesn't like asian Nothing only likes like french american. Yeah

They also make great weapons too. You can be with eyes out with him Did you know that in self defense that the most vulnerable part On the human body gives the eyes in self defense So if somebody attacks you the Place you should really go for is their eyes

Doesn't matter how tough you are how strong you are the eyes Always remember that Yeah, that in the groin on a man Well, no no growing Gro a man can take a punch in the grove but not the eyes eyes If as they say the eyes have it that is the most vulnerable spot Okay, okay

Yeah Now how did you get into this with him? He just brought this up from he brought up that he used chopsticks And they're also good to hit somebody in the eyes with just like that just like that. There's no Lead in there's no coaxing into saying that he just said that that was that that was on his heart and then he dismissed my edition of hitting people in the groin nope eyes Okay This little military training from your dad caught me that Mm-hmm. Okay

So you Mentioned to me the other day that you want you had an idea or some thought about What the day after Thanksgiving? Does for you texted me six times and has called me three times About how he wants to talk about Thanksgiving the day Thanksgiving. Oh, yeah, this this this is now. This is factual The day after Thanksgiving There are more shits taken in America Than any day of the year

How do you know this? Well, it's it's obvious. Okay, if people consume Just it's it's basically simple arithmetic If people consume we know that people consume the most food in America on Thanksgiving Yeah, I mean all the so we know that okay So you don't have to be a rocket pilot just to figure out what happens the day after people consume the most food Of the year. Mm-hmm. It starts to go

So, you know I think I had I had a a five-banger on the day after Thanksgiving a five-banger thing a five-banger. Yep five dumps Five dumps absolutely You know and because people with the eat Thanksgiving they nibble and then they you know, they have that Little turkey sandwich where they go to bed and they have stuffing In your system, it's not used to that. So it takes a while to process that so it takes Kind of goes for the day in the next day and of course

The unsung hero of american economy Is it's sewer system? yeah I mean to think that they're probably close to One billion shits on the day after Thanksgiving wow That's the way I figured it out. You calculated that that number I did. Yeah. Yeah, I calculated it based on population How many times babies go?

He's through and how many times babies go in his calculate I got it based on calculation. How many times babies go what out of his mind? Yeah, I think he actually has a piece of paper with these numbers written down. No, I bet you he does and of course You know, yeah about one billion which is a record Also, the biggest day of the year use some toilet paper Yeah, okay, you really should tip your hat to our um Our sewage systems because you know, there's cars that we have we really do have

You know, he's I can tell he's moving right there and he's sinking into cumber. He's like, yeah We really do have and he's like putting his hand behind his head. Is he on the couch the bark? He's adjusting. Yeah, but he's on the bark a lounger or on the bed no I wanted to say lounging on in the cat in the living room, but Maybe because they have company. Maybe he's on the bed. And what's he wearing? Uh, this was pretty late and this was after eight Eastern so comfort khakis

Yeah, or he might have just taken them off and he's in his white. He's tidy. Why does he likes to hug you in? so cute a great sewer system because it You know, you've you've traveled around the world so I you smell stuff in the streets Yeah, uh, you know And uh, well, even um, even our neighbors to the immediate south, you know, you've you go to mexico you You know, it's there there's a lot of developed parts of mexico And maybe some of the sewage systems are more developed in certain areas

But there's a lot of parts where you have to put your toilet paper in the trash You don't flush in the toilet because you'll you'll screw up the system, right? Oh, yeah I think that you know, this is Because the guys that design and maintain sewer systems, you know Or the behind the scenes are like the production people of plays and stuff like that, but you know, no matter where you go in america Very rarely Do you ever get

Something backed up Yeah, we really are really our clean country But I really taxed the system the day after Thanksgiving. Oh my god, I bet it does. I bet it does We get a lot of emails. I should have dug some up about Um, other great airport bathrooms, you know, and because sometimes people talk to what they they send us. They're like, have you checked out? You know, yes Whatever Dallas or yeah People telling saying really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah people mentioned their favorites a lot

Did you get did you get a lot of feedback on the albuquerque airport? Yes, people were very proud that you mentioned it and then that's the thing is it It made other people want to compete with albuquerque. So we've we've received a number of emails Saying, you know, we heard albuquerque mentioned. Have you been to this or that airport as well? So, you know, I mean, I think one of the you know, people always talk about the problems in america, but I remember as a kid Where you had if you want to be in a good toilet in the airport, you had to put a dime

Yeah, you told me you told me this. Yeah, I have to always tell him now when he's told me stuff Because he's definitely he said that on the show before Well, yeah, you know why he brings that up so much He's so fond of those times paying a dime to go to the restroom Not fond. I think it's Scarred him you do I think that those days are so painful to your father that he had to he had to pay to poop That now he he brings it up

It's a painful memory for him tom. I wish you'd be more sympathetic I see. So maybe I'm being insensitive a little insensitive. Good point. Thank you. That's why I married you. You're welcome So, uh, I'm amazed at Now, you know bus stations are different. It's a different ball game. Okay Have been in the bus station lately, but uh, that's not That's not gonna make the american top 20 restaurants. Okay, but uh bus station amazing or notably bad Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, and there's graffiti on the wall stuff like that. Do you like graffiti? You know, it's I really

You know, I it's kind of I'm kind of ambivalent, you know, there are some artful graffiti, right? You know, which is kind of entertaining And then they're just playing stupid graffiti. Okay. That's not a bad asset I mean, I'm surprised that you appreciate some of the artistic stuff Oh, yeah, I mean, it's a really artful graffiti. I mean the guy that right, you know call two three one five thousand for a good time I mean, that's stupid. Okay. You know, yeah, that's that's really stupid. But there are some people that have You know, they really have Really artistic. Yeah, there are and they can yeah and they can have a message

And I think it's where it's done. The issue that I have with graffiti Is wait, what are you feeling right now? I'm just I'm just thinking about like Such a dad conversation. This is so dad, right? Yeah, like I was thinking too. Does top dog have dad mouth 100% I didn't I didn't think he had dad breath like I've never 100% I've never smelled his dad breath. He's my dad It's dad breath. It's dad mouth all the way 100% what do you think charo feels about upset dad disappointed I

Absolutely Dad mouth all the way and in an appropriate place. What's appropriate. What's inappropriate? Well, I don't think You know An overpass on a freeway is an appropriate place because it Takes people's eyes off the road. It's actually a hazard. Okay. Okay. That's very bad. Like it's very safety first Yeah, okay, but if you have a part of town that basically is blighted that no one gives a shit anyway Okay

That's a perfect place to do graffiti it actually it actually Boost the place you can create some interest in it. Okay So take the shitty parts of town and then put some something there to make it not so shitty Absolutely absolutely. I think so. I think that yeah, I think that that does and of course there's a Certain cities in the country that are struggling right now like Detroit, but I think that You know some graffiti is and and you get occasionally you'll get a really good artist What if we just dropped like a paint bomb on Detroit wouldn't that be cool?

On what on Detroit like a a bomb of paint Well, you know, it depends on what color painting is for you Mm-hmm Was that supposed to be a joke That was but that was a poor damn good joke. Okay. Oh my god, dad No, I know I couldn't help it. You know what? Didn't you love it? He laughed though. He's still laughing at it. It was cute. He's like I did it I did

It's like That makes me laugh every time because he pushes the button with his face. Yeah, he's so excited by his jokes It's so great. Okay. My son's a comedian. So, you know, uh, yeah, obviously you got obviously he got most of Most of his talent from her dad. Okay. What is your favorite way to kill somebody? Oh, uh favorite way Is a shotgun Why why You love that I just threw it out there to see what the response would be

Shotgun Yep Because you don't have to be exactly on target and you're gonna get the job done anyway So that's that's the favorite method that you've used to kill somebody Well, you know in in vietnam, we had you know m16s at artillery and We did have a shotgun in the platoon, but we never really used it Oh, really? But people with people don't realize that the best defense weapon

In a house is not a pistol It's a shotgun And why is that? Because you're gonna be so nervous and so scared If you have an intruder That you can miss All right, sure with a pistol You know if you've ever been to the range you get past 25 feet. It's not as easy as you think right, right?

I mean you've been shooting with me. You know what I'm talking about. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. Um, yeah, you load up the old, you know number eight Birdshot in a shotgun And you aim it in the general direction of somebody is an intruder You know, you're gonna he may not kill him, but you're gonna disable him Yeah, you know and and then and it really, you know, the idea is is you know, you're do that to protect yourself Sure, and it's fun. It's a fun time too Um, yeah, you know, yeah, right? It feels good. I think probably to do that, right? Yeah

Oh, it's just a great, you know, yeah greatest. Yeah, what's the um How much fun is it like to throw a grenade into like a I like to walk him into those I like to go like this And it feels good it kills when you're like, yeah, that's good. Yeah Oh Yeah I also like he's right about that shotgun thing though when you're panicking you aim it in the general direction of somebody is an intruder Yeah, he's right, uh You know, you're gonna he may not kill him, but you're gonna disable him. Yeah

Yeah, you know and and then and then really, you know, the idea is is you know, you're do that to protect yourself Sure, and it's fun. It's a fun time too Yeah, you know, yeah, it feels good. I think probably to do that, right? Oh, it's just a greatest, you know, yeah greatest. Yeah, what's the um How much fun is it like to throw a grenade into like a An area or like a bunker where you know people are there and and have that go off. That's got to be a good feeling too Oh, you know, it's it's amazing what comes Actually, it's it's what's left when you go in there, okay

Really? Yeah, because usually what happens so you hear them like And you throw they don't have that time. It's not time to You know one of my say something and if they try to grab it, it'll usually go off in their hand And uh Then usually after the other guys around it Now do when that happens when you guys Just decimate a group of people does everybody kind of look at them at each other with smiles?

Like yeah, we did it like it's awesome feeling We used to say you got some oh you got some that's nice. You got some and when we go out you say let's get some Oh, so you want to get some okay? Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely. So basically killing is like getting pussy Actually, this is you know in this if you're if you've never been in the military You won't appreciate this comment But it takes you to a level That is even beyond that So it's better than getting pussy. Oh, absolutely and more and more and more

No, it's the best it's the best and more and more Yeah, how much time do you think he they allow each other to high five each other once they've killed somebody quick I think it's gotta be quick But it's uh, it's enjoy it's enjoy the meal. I really appreciate what you just got Yeah, it's pretty good Wow, who's the main mommy now somebody earning their place as the main mommy again. I like that. Thank you You appreciate all I want is your appreciation. I can't believe he loves killing more of them. Thank you, sir Love

really Is that it remember they're trying to kill you you want to get them I'm talking about just like a regular citizen like a guy riding his bike in the neighborhood It also feels good to kill that guy too probably Well, no, you know, not the regular citizen. I I'm more of the the I'm more talking about the combat kind of thing. Oh, okay But what about like a guy like you're going to work and there's a guy jogging It would feel good to hit him with your car probably, right?

Well, you know, there was a time when I would do that. I think it's more Or did there was a time when I would do that come from I don't know You know, you know, I mean the way you got the guy out there It's just you know, of course when I ride a bike, I don't use any safety equipment. Okay, right? No, I know, you know, none none of this helmet knee pads elbow pad you you know, you look at these guys and ride these bicycles Yeah, and there are certain bicycle riders. They really irritate me. Okay We know we talked about this before of course. Of course. Yeah, I've talked about it in my Oh, they can just drive you crazy, you know

yeah, but And they think they they think they own the world I tell you the common people that are really pissed and they off this day. I haven't told you this Who's that? Not the guys driving Harley-Davidson motorcycles It's worth this is an interesting observation You know, you look at you get on the interstate highway and actually the guys with the beards along there The black leather jack is driving Harley's

He doesn't like that look by the way, of course, yeah Pretty much used really good etiquette on the highway. Yeah Yeah They they signal they stay in packs you look out for their buddies Those guys, you know, whom society actually kind of looks down at because of their looks kind of scrudgy looking, okay Right If these little shits in these little pocket rockets, they're not Harley-Davidson's or Kawasaki's and yeah, you know, you know, and they dart in between cars

Which is illegal by the way. Well, it depends where you're talking about. It's not illegal here Oh, it is in florida. Okay. You got to stay in the lane. You got to stay in the lane, okay And and god, you know, I would love to enforce rules. You would love to be a street like a police Oh, if I could come back, let me say something Let me let me say what I would love to be able to do is retire and be in charge of A highway section of highway. Yeah

You know, I mean and and that would be And I would you know, and I if it's and get the guys You know, it's the aggressive driver the changing lanes back and forth That dad, you know, who loves driving those Kawasaki's and all those like, um, pocket rocket rice rocket Black guys black guys love those Really? Yeah. Yeah, that's why it's there's so unruly not down here not in florida not in florida. They're all white guys Yeah, no all white guys down in florida

They're all white guys, but I have to I have to give the the harley davis and biker kind of guys credit I don't have any problem with them on the highway ever Yeah, that's nice. I will let them know. I think the but the the Kawasaki that that troop usually in when I see in urban areas If you you say not down there, but you have no idea what, um What um freak week is like down in miami. It's all black dudes on on bikes and they're not harley's Really? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I was driving I was driving down to palm beach last year and

The oldest in traffic slowed and I'm in the right hand lane. I look over and I see the Look at the white truck. It says corner And I look off the the guard rail down there and there's a pocket rocket and there's a kid laying there Jesus They don't call the corner isn't a pocket rocket a vibrator like for a woman to masturbate with You know, that's that's that's kind of out of my league, okay Um, I mean, yeah, I love you. I gotta run. You're the best. Okay, buddy. I love you, buddy Out of my league

You sound Are you okay? I look so funny. I can't believe I'm laughing at heart Oh, that was an amazing call. That was a good call with top dog. No, that was an amazing call. We got uh the thrill of killing You got a rice rocket versus like harley did Oh my god, and then we got um That was crazy And dumps and dumps. Yeah. Yep. We're gonna call. What a wonderful call. Thank you. What a fun episode. Yeah Thank you guys. Thank you for everybody who listens to the show. We appreciate you so much

As always, you can contact us You can send us your emails. We love them. We love to read them. We try to respond as much as we can We're gonna get better about that. We're gonna set aside more time to do that So apologies if you didn't receive an email back But our email is your mom's podcast at gmail.com leave out the house a lot of people try to email that I don't know where that goes. Ours is simply your mom's podcast at gmail.com Or if you go to the website your mom's house podcast.com

There is like a you know, one of those things you can fill out email forms. Yeah, and that that'll also get it to us. Yes Um, but uh, we appreciate you. We love you. Thank you for listening to our show Please support the show shop through that amazon banner order If you got a little bit of time order the bike shirt order the top dog the wipe down Collection or the black top dog shirt Any of it we really appreciate we love you guys Love you mommies max newman thomas earl. Thank you so much. How about we give uh, the greasy song uninterrupted On the way out for our listeners. Oh and big thanks to hiding from my wife for the audio today

Thank you very much for tom and all the people that donated to our show on lafster. Yes, and we're we're donating that money Operation family fun. Absolutely. So we love you. Love you jeans. Bye guys Oh Then greasy Then greasy Then greasy greasy Um Greasy

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