Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 180-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

OMG, you guys. We got such a huge response to the Maria call that we revisit it and all its hilarity. According to Christina, Tommy doesn't show much excitement about anything. Well, that is, until you propose that he might be able to get away with murder! That's a fun scenario that we break down because everyone wants to do it, don't you agree? Tina and Tommy also talk about going back in time and what they would do if they could take each other on a first date knowing what they know now. As you can imagine, it's quite romantic. We read a listener email that asks the HARD questions. Do we answer them? Oh yeah. What would you do if you had 6 months to live? We do it real big. Tina has opened a savings account to go to space. Please donate. 

I have a song for you. I'd like to go to the bar In the kitchen listening to time and pristine at the end of a rough day get a mug to drink get my nuts shaved If I'm lucky get it in a love day. Oh, yeah, just great like the devil loves flames like the devil loves heavy metal women Who love snakes? This is just a thing to help your nerves and calm down. I like we're now bitch. Welcome to your mom's house For the fees fresh fresh fresh welcome to your mom's house Welcome to your mom's house your mom's house starring Christina Precious

And time Special parents fly top dog could actually happen to me or Landon Airport watch And Joe double is there anything worse? Your mom's house Your mom's house The great Joe double do you want to know something I actually got to meet him in person Yeah, and he's like remember when you said there's nothing worse than a white That's me and I was like I'm so sorry your song is amazing. So we made a kill that he crushed

That's enough. It's an old the goodie. Yeah, you can't you can't beat Joe double. You can't beat it. You know Jeans do you live in Atlanta with Medea? No, I live I live in the same house. Yes It's so dumb. I live right here Not you silly geese our listeners. Do you live in Atlanta? Oh? Come see me at the Atlanta punchline December 19 through 22nd and ATL and then oh M. J Tommy and I are gonna be doing the days it in prom. Oh my god Oh We gotta do it like a man's it's gonna be okay. I'll sign them then we're also gonna do like a whole week of shows

Seriously, so it's like it December 27th through 31st and then oh my god, seriously January 17th through 19th I'll be in Anchorage, Alaska. Holy crap at the Platinum Jacks comedy club. Can you even believe that jeans? There's my jeans are so cold like I'm so afraid, you know top dog What's to go to Alaska next summer with me? Well cuz bears like to fish the sound all right. I'm done with you And then January 29th through February 1st. I'm coming to Kansas City the KC improv Yo, and then fuck. Let's not even get into february. Shall we?

What about you Thomas Thomas is English muffin. I Guess yeah, I did that. It's not really your name. Oh Okay, I If you must must know Actually went ahead and I updated my calendar for people I have some stuff up. I don't have everything but I am going to Portland. I'll be This is way in ahead, but Helium in Portland. I'm doing it February 6th through 8th. I'm doing

obviously Chicago improv with my jeans Tacoma comedy club in March I'm also going to Virginia Beach. I have a whole bunch of lists there. I'm going down to Bray. I haven't been in a while San Jose Buffalo, New York. I'm going to next year. It's Berg six Berg. You know I'm saying So all that shit and we'll have some more stuff coming up soon. That's very exciting But yeah up there now and of course New Year's in DC is yeah, what I'm most Looking forward to

My 2014 is up to I just I didn't say it but it is on Christina comedy. Yeah calm No, I keep it Jesus and can I tell you guys we're super excited this year. We're hitting it hard We're coming to all of your cities. We're not going to announce where just yet because it ain't locked But we have every intention of crossing America and doing the podcast live for you this in 2014 It's going to be huge live podcast is the most fun. So yeah, yeah Wanna stuff and in fact, I mean, yeah, listen, we love you We love doing this show and it's because of you that we continue to grow and more mommies have come to us and in Change we have done more episodes for you and we are expanding this studio that we're sitting in

We rearranged and it's even more spacious now and we're gonna put foam on walls for sound. We're going pro Yeah, we're going pro guys. I mean this operation started with two microphones and a couple of jerks and pajamas Yep to a couple of jerks and pajamas and more microphones exactly more equipment more laptops But any hoodles we want to here's our goal in 2014 since so many of you have asked for it We want to stream this on the internet. We want to put this on you stream. So you guys can see us Hold your role. Okay. Okay. We don't want to put you on on you. Oh, not on you stream on you, too Maybe yeah, maybe you too. We want it. We want video. So video. Yeah, we want it to be yeah That's all right. We want to go to we want to put cameras in here a lot of people have asked us for video

We just want to add it up. We want it to be you know, we want to upgrade the entire studio So this is what we're working on really hard for the next I would say six weeks. This is our big push anytime you Donate or purchase in any way know that your Contribution is to upgrading the studio and what I mean by that is if you guys go to our store your mom's house podcast Dot-com you get bike shirt you get wiped down from this point on know that you're not only getting that that money is going to be Put aside to upgrade the studio. We really want to

Have this be as professional as we can just because we put a lot of time into it And we know that you know a lot of you listen. We want it to get there So you have the highest quality product that you listen to I'm talking about we're gonna upgrade the mics We want to have HD small but HD cameras in here that you know, you see the show we want to have the software and hardware to Switch between cameras. We found everything. We had a great Ernie machete came here He totally did the full scope of the studio gave us all the recommendations. Thank you Ernie. Yeah, he was fantastic Thanks, Ernie. We want to get a monitor up here for you

Right, you can see what I'm looking at and then and then the guest listeners and our viewers and the viewer can see this Well, yeah, so that's our our big sales pitch guys is that we really want to upgrade the studio You know, we're not We don't you know make Jason Amy So Please if you love the show if you listen to show like the sitter Consider doing anything that would help the show. That means if you want to donate. There's a donate button on Our side on the home page. Yeah on the home page. It's there

If you don't want to do that if you want to just buy something that you actually get a you know that you get your shirt or whatever you get That helps to and through Amazon.com absolutely if you want to get Purchase whatever through our Amazon banner and also it's not up right now, but we will add the actual detailed list To our site. So, you know, you just you see exactly what we're looking for if one of you wants to be oh So generous and get one of those things for us. That would work for us, too. Yes Yeah, I mean heck, you know, you never know you got to ask, right? Yeah, that's what Dr. Phil says You got to ask in order to receive or whatever whoever says that here's another one, too Yeah, this is a real so because if everybody did this if even a fraction of you did this we'd be set

We're gonna put up a bonus episode up a live podcast that we did It's gonna be on the the bonus thing that we do through CD baby and iTunes. It'll be 199 I hope to have it up in a few days. I know I'm premature and mentioning now, but We'll help to have it up if even a fraction of you get that make that 199 purchase that'll take us over the top to get everything. That's right. Yeah, so it's two bucks If you can do the $2 thing get the live show. It's really fun. It's a great show That's something to look forward to. Yeah, that was a really fun one. That was the Pasadena one. Yeah, holy crap That's full charge. That was super fun. Yes, such a good. Yes, and that's the one that we broadcast on

Lafster, yes, and the world got to see I mean we had people in Hong Kong people in Norway and as a man In Eugene wanted me to tell you he's Saudi and I'm not on a military base What is he saying that he's just he's like just a Saudi Arabian person who listens to this He was saying that you always make the distinction that we have listeners in Saudi and you always go, you know like military guys He was like, no, I'm sorry I think my point with I think what that is because in Saudi Arabia, they can't even really surf the internet the interwebs This guy had words citizens. Okay, if you're on a base, you can't well, sir I appreciate you and I appreciate all Saudi Arabians who listen to the show. That's right. I appreciate anybody heck heck noodles

Okay, you know I'm saying dog. What's up, Riyadh? All right What are we doing? Who knows what day is it go to the site your mom's house podcast calm check us out Let's start the Don't feel farty. You will yeah, I give you green tea. Oh Here we go Say oh say blast my fucking face What blast my fucking face

No blast blast it Oh Blast yeah Blast my fucking face I don't want to be beat up. No blast blast it Blast blast my fucking face. Yeah blast my fucking face Oh Don't bring anyone loving to this

Yeah, this thing No, this is the board that I got forever ago that the lights don't work. Oh my god So that's one of the thing is how bizarre that we just made a plea. I know people are gonna think that's intentional Well, Ernie came here. He was like, why don't you use this board? It's so much better than that board And I was like because it doesn't work And he hooked it up and he was like it does work But I've never seen a board not have the lights go on Like we're talking through these two channels right now and there's no lights going on

Well, you know what guys whatever we did this gorilla style like Seriously, this was so punk rock the way we started the show and like I think it's time for the punkers to upgrade just a little bit Like grown-up shit. Yeah, come on. This is the year of grown-up stuff 2014 man You know what I'm saying by the way I loved that clip of your sister because she's like she she willingly repeats slap my face and then when it's Black and then black my face. She's like, no, thank you. And then the blast she was like, oh That call got so much feedback. Of course it did. You guys went bananas for it. I had a blast making you Oh

Yeah, oh black It's so funny to see where her lines are You know, like what she's like because she's never ever come out of my mouth. I'm not much of fun I just thought of saying that out loud. I can't say that I can't say that and then moments I mean literally a couple seconds later come over here and shit on my hips Love maria maria also She she was not opposed to the the game like what we were I think you're reticent to explain to her what the deal was I was really holding that like, um

Here's the thing. I thought she's like, yeah Baby look like a dirty part. I'm a mother I thought she was gonna go all that route and give me the you know dirty and disgusting No, not happening route, but she went absolutely And then she dropped everything we asked her and then yeah, you're right when she thought it was slap my face Something was all over it. Yeah, loved it Fucking face Something tells me that may happen between her and her I think she's an absolute animal and do you think probably

I think she's she's crazier than all of us Sexually, yeah, yeah, I think she's I mean you're a derelict, but I think she's got a lot of props Oh my god, I've never had a black one before She oh my god, oh my god, I like the way she hits it so fast My that's a big cock She did she did the uh the the face. Yeah My that's a big cock Very surprised by it. I I think she says that a lot something I like asked me to say that

Say say my that's a big cock. My that's a big cock. Oh come on But I don't I can't commit because I can't even do it. I can't do it You've seen mine act like you're seeing it for the first time She does it like the she does it the naughty nurse way that you're supposed to do it I have no way. I don't know how to do it. My that's a what does she say big black cock? My that's a Puerto Rican cock. Is that what she says? No, it's not My oh my oh Yeah, you're not I'm not good at acting you are

Do it for real Oh my what a big what a big Fuck my stoma. There you go That's hot. That's more my speed. Yeah, everybody likes a a good stoma fucking porno. Fuck my stoma Okay, all right. All right. Okay, enough fun with sounds That's can we hear more of maria though? Um, what else do we have? I don't know we can talk about it You're talking about cocks. It's disgusting. They're not me You better not be

You're talking about cocks. It's disgusting. They're not me and then you know Literally within 30 seconds So she was opposed to it and then like, all right, I'm down Now, I don't know, uh, you can stop me if you don't want to share this about your family All right, but isn't she the one who really pushes boundaries with charo like I mean, I'm not like I I seem to remember she likes to talk about oral sex Maria has talked about things that we've never even dreamed of approaching with my mother Like yeah, Maria's like then I was on the rooftop and I was having sex with this guy and my mom was like, what?

Like things that people don't share with their mom ever. She's like, what? She was doing that. Why do you think but why do you think she's because clearly your mom When we put it this way your mother isn't game for discussions like that. Yeah, no And it is that which is fun while which is why it's fun to like for me I wouldn't talk about she like that with her. I like to Cross the line, you know, I like to upset her by Right approaching something like but I don't actually go into like here's a real thing detail No, like I love eating Christina's asshole

No, I wouldn't I love I don't know having girls take dumps on my chest That's a good one. That's a good one. But why does your sister does your sister? Shit on my tip. She definitely she does it like deliberately to try to connect with your mom Yeah, I like to have a well the thing is I maybe I don't think it's because connecting with her Maria is like one of these people who must Speak must

Share, you know must talk about whatever is going you cannot like Keep her from telling Her secret or her story, right? Right like she has to talk So if she runs into my mom and she's the first person That you know, I mean she's different now obviously With the sex stories, I mean that she's you know married and You know, she's not sleeping around. I do remember one time

What what remember Christmas? I think we all left the house We were all together at the cigars home. Yeah, and Weston was there and she's like Like we came back and we're like, hey, how was it? What'd you guys do? And she's like chopp not socks. All right, but that's her hut But I you just cut me off while I was saying I don't think she sleeps around. You're like, I don't know Oh, oh, I didn't mean I I thought you meant she didn't talk anymore about no She's still tough. I'm saying like it used to be like her

Yeah, I'm like, what are you talking about? Sorry. I heard something else in my head. Yeah. No No, I wouldn't have her insinuate. That's ridiculous. She only has one one ticket at a time That's how it goes. No, she's still of course. She does. Yeah, of course. She does. She still talks about like whatever Whatever sex she's having she has to tell somebody Yeah, but I'm saying like in when we were like younger and she was single Yeah, she'd be like, I bet this guy at a bar. Uh, that's like a lot of my mom's like, please Please don't tell me these things. She's like, mom everybody does that Do you not give dad blood jobs?

Right, that's the stuff I'm talking about. Yeah. Yeah, but now it's different now It's you know, married stories are different than like hooking up single stories. I don't know. Are they you don't think so? You and I hook up all the time It's different. I'm saying the story is different. Like you don't you don't tell the story the same way like I meet some gutter slut on the streets And I just you know slam it in her mouth. It's different than like I was with my wife, you know a gutter slut Yeah, a gutter slut. That's silly. You know what I'm saying I'm your little gutter slut pig

You are now You know who you are now You're you're the kind of chick that is down to do whatever At any time and you just happen to be you know, you got a ring on that finger, you know what I'm saying Fuck my stoma. You know, it'd be really interesting is to be single now I mean, I think about it constantly just every day all day. What would it be like? No, but seriously, don't you think it would be weird to be single? Now like because you and I love millionaire matchmaker, you know patty stanger showing weird are the best thing ever

I'm sorry. What? Uh, but I seriously think about it now like what would it be like 37? single How would I be? How would you even date now? Like we've been married for five years together almost 10? I can't even imagine like having to go out on a first date or like dress up To tie somebody or you know, I'm oh no, man No, I mean Here's I mean my idea of a good first day be like I'm gonna sit on the couch over here

Do you want to come over to my place and sit over here? Once you're married and you're like happy and you're you know Comfortable where you are. You don't want to be like Cording and all this and then I have to do the pretend thing again. Like, uh, it's fucking you have interesting thoughts You dumb broad or whatever, you know, like I have to act like Yeah, that's not Jeez, you know what I'm saying. Look at that big smile on your face. It's like you murdered somebody Okay, the thought of murder. What were we saying last night when you were tucking me in?

What I was like, why are you so what makes you? Oh, because we we're we bought excitement Excitement levels. I've what I've discovered about you in the last 10 years is that you don't really get excited excited for stuff The way I do like I'm I'm very I get really juvenile about like small stuff. Like I love Christmas trees I get really like, you know, I show it. Yeah, and you you're a little more reserved You know, like we got but I'm not I'm not aloof. I'm not like whatever No, no, no, you you're when you're really happy. I've noticed that you just act more content Like you're you're not in a state of anxiety and you're not necessarily like over the moon But you're really really content and you really just generally feel good like yesterday

We we got Tommy a bicycle. So now we can bicycle ride that was awesome. Dude. And is there a beach cruiser? It's just a chill little three-speed beach cruiser. It's my Christmas present. It's a Christmas present. Yes, and And uh, but I mean, is there anything more joyful than riding a bicycle? Like it takes you back to being 10 years old and just being like I fucking own this beach, man Or, you know, I own the street and I look back at you and you're just kind of like, yeah, it's nice. It's okay I mean, what expression do you feel like that I'm gonna have while I'm doing around riding the bike though? Um, just I was I was very smiling and but I was so happy doing that bike ride laughter The whole I laughed. Yeah, you weren't giggling while we were riding the bike. I'm giddy when I ride a bike

I was with you. You were not giddy. I because you brought my mood down. I brought your mood down a little bit Man, I am just Took the wind out of myself. Here's how you want me to be while I'm riding my bike. I love it. I absolutely love it Love it. Love it. Love it. Oh my god. Yes. Yes. That's how you should be on a bike That's ridiculous and instead you're like, hmm and then last night and then last night I was like Tom, what if I what would have really excite you? I said, what if I Let you murder a homeless guy or murder somebody and then get away with it. Yeah Your face lit up

Like a Hanukkah chandelier or whatever chandelier. What are those called? They're chandeliers. Yes. Yeah, I mean crystal Hanukkah chandelier you lit up Like a hooker at christmas You lit up I haven't seen you that excited in years at the thought of hooker at christmas. Listen to your analogy Like uh, like maria yelling at a starbucks worker. That's how happy I At the prospect of murdering and getting away with it. Look at you. Look you can't contain your joy

I mean, it's just a funny Proposal a funny proposal A funny proposal to murder a stranger and get away with it. Who wouldn't want to do that? Um me. I don't really want to kill. Well, you're a fucking four corners. Mm-hmm. You know, I'm talking about in the cool crowd Okay, so like who would you want to kill and nobody? But you just point me over there and you go kill that guy and you know, you'll no one will ever find out you'll be fine I'm like, all right. Let's go do it What would give you more satisfaction killing a stranger or killing somebody that you don't like?

You know, is the proposal I still get away with it? Absolutely. I think it'd be fun to kill somebody. I don't like Like another comic who you got beef with I don't have beef with comics. So Let me think of who you'd want to kill No co-workers in your past. I don't want to kill Ari Babe, what? Ari Shafir Nobody wants to kill Ari Shafir. That's what I said I'm not gonna kill him. Okay. Why'd you say that? No, you said that. Oh

But you you get more joy out of killing an anonymous Street walker, I think so. I think that'd be more fun. We're like a like a homeless teenager Hmm not a homeless teenager a vagrant man a vagrant old man. I saw one today in the parking lot I kind of want to kill like the uh Like the douchey You know spiky hair guy. Yes. Who's like, what's up, bro? Yeah, like that guy. Yeah, maybe him or a real bro, bro Yeah, what's up, bro? Who do we run across that was a total douche, bro? Remember there was some dude in our our lives when do we not run across douche bros?

Well, it's Hollywood. Yeah, like this guy was a grade a douche or oh, no, I was watching millionaire matchmaker Oh Where the guy was such a douche or and we were like, you know what makes somebody a douche bag? Yeah, it's the gel and the hair. Yes. It's the car that that compensates for insecurity But I think the essence of a douche bag is when someone thinks they're super awesome. Yeah, it's that yeah But they're just super insecure and here's the thing people who are Who are really who believe they're super awesome and maybe really are super awesome Don't rub you the wrong way. Yeah, it's the people that you know

That they know there's shit that's off about them Yeah, you know, they know they have their flaw and then instead of like just being like owning their flaws Or you know, whatever it is about them. Yeah, they go I'm fucking the coolest guy in the world. You're like, whoa, that's what it is Yeah, instead of being like I'm kind of um, you know, I like to sit at home. Yeah, I'm lazy I like uh, I like watching my fucking, you know, I like to play whatever world of warcraft Right and like owning it and be like, that's what I fucking love to do instead of being like, I'm cool Yeah, I fucking play this game and I'm fucking awesome and you're like you're your douche bag

That's the essence of it. That's the essence of a douche. So if I killed that guy from that show totally fine. See Totally no, you can't you can't I'm not going to you're gonna But if you said hey, you can do it and no one's gonna get upset. You're like, all right. Just give me a fucking 22 Is that your preferred method of killing like what would give you the most joy is what I'm trying to say bare hands Oh for real. Don't you think I think that's all I mean, I watch sopranos a lot and um, you know They usually take a wire and put it around some guy's neck. Yeah, that takes a lot of strength. I think yeah, I'm super strong Yeah, I think the um, you are the the most intense way to kill somebody would be with your bare hands Uh, and then maybe like with ropes something like that

The second would be would you choke them? That's what I'm saying choke them with your bare hands or like you slam their head Or you know until you bash their skull in the other thing you could do they do that on sopranos a lot. Yeah, like curbing Yeah, that's tough. Another really intense way to kill somebody with a knife because you're you're in there so close with them You know, you have to be Obviously within arm's reach and you have to stab them repeated times You really gotta feel that rage and you feel the heat coming off their their bodies that must be a thrill too I've always enjoyed it. Yeah, and to feel the blood the hot blood on your body Is probably pretty neat and then you use that blood as lube and it's a whole thing

Where do you as this blood is pouring out of you I use it on your own anus to penetrate you Um, hmm your blood is a wonderful lubricant that is neat Um, now we've always discussed proper ways of disposing bodies And I think since watching Breaking Bad, which is a show we just got into holy shit That many people can never be wrong by the way. Everybody says it's awesome. God damn that show is awesome I think liquefying the body we're halfway through episode one. It's really good Liquefying with acid is the way to go. Yeah, we're in episode two or we're in season two season two episode Liquefying with acid as they did in the show. Yeah, that's pretty because all you need is a plastic bin

And then you got to get a bunch of that acid I mean or another show we will oh on the sopranos we were watching When they um, they dug up an old murdered body Yes, and then they hammered the bones like the body of you composed, but all the bones were still the dental stuff So you smash that's really brilliant. The other thing you can do um Like if you wear some type of factory that has these super Like unbelievably high

temperature furnace heaters You know, it's usually some type of manufacturing place or chemical plant where they have like these these rare like ovens that get to temperatures that are you know 2000 3000 degrees for whatever processing they need it. Yeah, that's great Because you really incinerate through the bone at that point. Yeah, I have to far Main mummy for the episode PS on the sopranos

I also noticed that they discard the murder weapon with the body Which is interesting because you think that the murder weapon is a clue. Yeah, that's not necessarily what's done in the real world What's I'm saying like when tony's soprano whenever he shoots somebody or whenever they kill a stab They always throw the weapon at the body and then run So I'm thinking the guns are stolen off the streets. So obviously they can't trace But what about your fingerprints and stuff? They don't show them if you shot it with your Bare hand you would certainly have fingerprints on they all do but that's that all the soprano guys From what I've seen they fucking shoot a guy and then they throw the weapon at him. So I don't know

I mean people have sometimes gotten away with murder when everything points to them for the simple fact They can't find the murder weapons, right? I don't know. So I don't get I don't get why I mean you could always plan it as like, you know When you try to like disguise it as a suicide that kind of thing, you know, you shoot it in the head And you put the gun in their hand that kind of thing. That's what I'm gonna do for you. I think yeah Hmm. You know what? I really I still very feel strongly about deserts though, you know, it's ideal deserts and swamps Yeah, swamps Gator infested swamp throw the body in there

The problem with swamps I think is a you have the problem because the the body gets full of gases and will rise I think before that's why they have to weight bodies Before they put them in like in the sopranos. They weigh the body fucking gator town Take gator town and put a little seasoning on it gator Put some old bay on that body gator chopped. Yeah, put some old bay on them. Let's old bay Well, like a crab seasoning a little Here you go and some blue crab and then the gators are ready to eat and you throw them over Oh, that's a great idea. That's a great idea for your last cruise

uh for like For serial killers and child molesters and stuff be like, hey, you want to go swimming in this river? It's so it's refreshing. You gotta you gotta roll around in the salt first Do you guys you guys feel like refreshment? You guys feel like getting refreshed? Here you gotta you gotta roll water and then roll in the seasoning and then jump into this thing Wouldn't it be great if we were on a millionaire matchmaker today And then patty was like tom sakura is my millionaire

Tom sakura is a world famous comedian. He tells jokes about shitting and coming and then all the girls are like, yeah Okay, tom What are you gonna do for your first date with deseret because I know you're gonna pick some fucking whore Yeah, destiny um, I think the first thing I'll do is uh Staple her tits to that desk over there And then um, hold her face down Onto the desk so that she can't talk or anything and put a ballgag in her mouth

And um Well, then I'll kill that guy over there in front of her so she's real scared And uh, then uh, I'll take her to the movies Look at the joy on your face. Would you describe that talk about riding a bicycle? That was fun to ride that bike But then I killed a guy and uh, it's really She gets aroused and I get aroused at the same time and we have a great first date

Tell me about your first date with tom deseret But I mean my tits still hurt because they stamp all of them and then he did what he put a ballgag At my mouth. I couldn't talk. Oh, we have to call tom in here asap. Nobody in my millionaire club does that And then he killed the valet that we fucked. Oh Okay, here's my first date our first date. Okay, if we had to go back in time, uh, this is our first date first I pick you up real early in the morning Uh, I'll wake you up around 4 a.m. When the moon's still up because I know you like to wake up early I like to see a sunrise. Absolutely. And then we drive for hours hours hours into the desert because I know you like heat

You like just sunlight blazing sun And then we go to like a Coachella like a music festival For a week, but I get you passes to all the shows so like You get to watch every single band All the time and and not in a tent either I want you to be like in exposed in the sun And then I want you to drink a lot of beer and then have to wait in line for porter parties all day

This is date number one date number one And after that we go see we see a lot of folk singers. I know you like folk music Um, oh, and then we go visit my cousin in Riverside. I know you love one of my cousins very much She likes to talk a lot about your life and your things How you should be living Does that sound like fun? That sounds like a great date And then I get to call Patty and be like, she's like, how was the date? I'm like, this is great Oh, oh, and then we finish the date. I take you to my favorite vegan restaurant and you have to eat

Uh, especially prepared vegan meal So basically as my wife your idea of fun would be to make me miserable But we're not married in the scenario. This is 10 years ago, but you know what makes me happy And what you're doing is making me very unhappy. That's okay, right? Of course today. Okay, basically our first date was what We would do today. Remember you you're like, hey, do you want to you asked me? You like, did you want to do you want to go on a hike? That's what those? Yeah, and I was like, nope And then I know you like you're like see you later I literally was like, no, yeah

Can you imagine if that would have been it? How sad would you be today because you know you'd be homeless? I know and then You'd be you'd be living on the streets for sure baby. I was living I lived alone I was an independent person before we got married these days. You'd be homeless on the streets these days Why because of my cool teeth you would have been thinking about me and you'd be hooking For sure. You'd be hooking. You would absolutely be hooking That's so stupid. What's my what's my worst date take me on my worst date Well, clearly nothing upsets you more than hiking. Yeah, I don't like that. So I would take you on

Like a really Really intense hike Like a six hour hike No water No food No guide Mountain lions cougars

Can we camp too? You know, I would pitch a tent No heat no heating And I would insist like before when you were like, I was putting my sweatshirt. I'll be like, we don't need it So that you're cold. You're cold the whole time. That's so mean. So when we set up camp Yeah, I only have like a paper thin blanket So and then we stay up there and we have to hunt and kill our own And you have to and you have to kill a dog So the only thing you can

You can hunt is a dog hunt like domestic dogs. Yeah, like golden retrievers Well by day four, you're gonna be like i'm starving. I have to kill this dog So and then I make you do it and then I cry that you killed the dog I don't think I could eat a dog. I don't know domestic beautiful And then I take you to a sugar-free concert. It's like hardcore West coast like pimp hip-hop shit like all about hose and like oh god And then they drag you on stage And they like slap your tits around

Well, look how funny that is they pour like like beer like the empty oe and like beer and like all kinds of And they slap your tits like all over the place and they just like really they're super abusive towards you and that part makes you laugh and I'm like, that's my date. That's the first date And then um, I just take you to Like um, uh, I find a really small enclosed space and I just I hire people to talk really loudly Oh, that's my philly's favorite play like loud music that you don't like And I have people talk on their phone in front of you and I go just keep talking on your phone as loud as you can Yeah, I do that

That's funny. I do that to you too. I put you on here's what I do I'd make you fly coach in the last row of the airplane next to the toilets And then you're you're not in the aisle like like you like you're in the middle seat like you like And then it sandwiched in between two morbidly obese Women and their flaps don't smell very good And you have to you have to listen to the person whistle on either side of you just whistling their songs that they like to whistle I love whistling And then oh, I want you to go. I want you to spend

Christmas Eve with total strangers like 20 people that you have to really have small talk with all night Like but it's an important holiday I want you to waste your holiday on strangers. Yep. And then I ship you to Saudi Arabia for Ramadan and you have to Wear your burqa and then you can't You have to fast for the 30 days and then at the end of it you get caned for being disrespectful With your eyes you looked at somebody and you shouldn't have looked at them And then I I report that you stole an apple and they cut your hands off. Okay. That's not very nice

And then but then we get a second date Why would we get a second day you cut my hand off? I didn't they did I didn't mean for that to happen You did you called it into the religious place? I thought that I saw you steal it didn't mean for it to go that way I'm like, ah, I was wrong and she didn't steal it and then they They actually saw your hand back on but they sewed onto your shoulder So you have a stump, but you still have a hand They is attached to your shoulder that still works so you can grab things up here

Okay, and then and then you and I go to a steak house Like what like a really nice one like lorries. Okay. Thank you. I like this your steak comes, but it's cold I hate cold, right? But you have just have to eat a cold and then all the sides show up But I eat them before you get to which is kind of like what my life is now The sides show up and then they're gone in two seconds. Well, I take you to like a foe restaurant I love big bowls of foe and they have the most delicious foe ever But then everybody else eats it, but you have to eat a golden retriever again

No campsite and they're like, this is a golden retriever Golden retriever You like golden retriever we make for you Tonight Oh, there's a fun date that we made for each other, you know what honestly, here's my ideal first date Hey, hey, um Do you want to just go eat stuff? Yeah, get drunk of good wine. Yeah. Yeah sound like a date. That's all I want to do Who's there the finator just came right up into my lap. Oh, he loves you. Hi

That's fucking dog. See this this I want to show on video right now. Yeah, people need to see our dog Huh, that's nice. You think you're the main mommy You showed me I just showed you. Yes, I that so I thought I would read this email Subject is whale sounds It's from l a lady listener Lady Ladies says hello mothers. I'm a fairly new listener And when you sold me on your podcast, I decided to start as far back as iTunes would allow

Needless to say there's a lot to catch up on but I fall asleep to you fuckers because Your brown train angry black men and fart jokes are like whale sounds to me They're just really soothing comforting heartwarming Well, we appreciate that L. Thank you So here we go She had some questions Let's see ps here are some questions. I have as a new listener and I thought you know what? There's probably a lot of people that have just joined the show that have the same absolutely inquiries. So

Let's start from the beginning. She asks. Uh, what kind of dog is fifo? Well, it's interesting that you ask L We just got our wisdom panel back wisdom panel that shows the dna breakdown of what little fifo is He is 50% Brussels Griffon, that's how you say it not griffin like some fucking piece of white trash People in the griff community by the way. Yeah, you you have to say griffon, of course for griffy. They don't say griffin It's french or belgian. Yeah, this is fucking arkansas. All right. Yeah

Um Brussels And then he's 25 mini pin. Yes, which is crazy And 25% they weren't exactly sure but it was most likely What german spits, okay, which is a little fluffy shit thing. I don't know. So he's a mixture All those wonderful doggies. Oh all the dogs. Oh, oh the dogs My god

Uh, second question what kind of bear is tom grizzly bear Most definitely grizzly in the grizzly maze. Yeah grizzly musky Beefy stanky and then you eat salmon in the stream. You love to catch salmon. I do with both paws Uh Do you look like a bear more and more every year?

Have you come? Oh, what is your preferred brand of denim? Ah, l it's really not about the brand. No, it's about the quantity. How much denim are you wearing? We encourage every listener To not obviously just wear denim jeans. Everybody has those please Get a shirt a jacket a hat boots shoes socks underwear everything denim I mean we prefer to do our shows wearing nothing but lots of denim. That's what I got. We went D on D on D

Yeah, you know what? We're no elitists here. We don't believe if you can afford designer denim We're designer denim, but we're about good old-fashioned target brand. Absolutely. I shop at target a lot. I love their stuff Wrangler real comfortable jeans Mm-hmm, but as high as you can Um, let's see. Where are the dudes at? Wow, it's a really good question. We've been searching and searching and We've never really found where they are. No, we are always looking for them though And one day one day we'll find them. Thank you, sir

I think I think for me where the dudes at is more about where are they in your heart? you know i'm saying it's more of a Philosophical question. Where do you do that? Where do you think the dudes are at? That's really more important than where they actually reside. What a really interesting take on that question. You're welcome They reside in my heart And in in tom's butthole That's not where I was going with that When is no such thing as wednesday lady coming back?

Tony's mom tony henchcliffe's mom. Yeah, she's the best dude. She is the shit that woman is the We got to have her back on uh Thanks for requesting her. I'm glad you you said that Maybe we should have her back before christmas like a christmas special. Oh, yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, she's pretty She's the shit man. I love that woman joy Joy is amazing joy henchcliffe and that's it. Those are all those are the questions that I have There's no such thing as wednesday Yeah, that was pretty awesome dude. Yeah, she's awesome

That's true. Yeah Anyways, uh, so we were talking about how we started watching breaking bad. Oh my god. It's so good God, I love and here's the thing. I know there's got people like us people who listen that are like Yeah, I've heard about it. I'm just we're just trying to further encourage you if you haven't checked it out. Yeah Man, it's just there's there's just it really is about writing. I've learned that more and more is like There's just so many layers. It's so well Thought out and it's like so connected. It's just it's great high stakes Everything is but that to me that's also part of the the tension is it might be too much

Like I feel like the stakes are so high You do feel like that, huh? Yeah, like the wife the stakes are so high with her because of her pregnancy and then you know His brother-in-law is Whatever he does for a living and then the kid is his Born child has this problem and there's just so many fucking problems. Yeah, but that's why The show that that's why you're so into the show is yeah, there's conflict What's the resolution going to be?

And then as soon as something is resolved new conflict arises and isn't that the nature of life as well, right? Just when you think you're fucking you're done some other bullshit happens more money more problems Like my father says always fucking problems always a fucking problem problem problem. That's how he says it Yes, always fucking problems. Just when you think you don't have problems is a fucking problem. Well, that's actually very I know but what I do like about this breaking bad too is that uh It's really not so much about a guy cooking meth, but it's more about too like The journey of coming into your own identity and taking responsibility for his for his life Which up until then he was kind of one of these sleeper people, right who just kind of coast through existence

So many people are like that a lot most I would say and there's and there's a lot of people who Also, you hear people who when they get into or they're confronted with some Horrible set of circumstances is when they finally embrace life and indeed They do what they want to do they go where they wanted to go and you realize you can do that whenever you want Which is sad. Yeah Now the good thing about me being goth and um obsessed with death from the time I was 12 or 13 Is that I constantly think about death and dying like it's not really a new topic in my brain You know me. I'm always like, oh, I'm gonna fucking die tomorrow. So I got to do everything

So maybe that's not such a bad thing that my my parents were so dark and eastern block about stuff, you know, yeah Because I feel like we talked about Life and the nature if you had a death sentence tomorrow. Oh my god. Do you feel like you would live life differently? Uh, yeah, I would all right. Oh go to Tahiti and just fucking hang out and surf and swim That's the fuck it. Yeah Live out your days there. Do heroin heroin I would I would you know, I don't even know if I do drugs But I would just swim in the ocean and surf and hang out with you

Hang out with the dog and you know, fuck everything else. What would you do? party party Like go to Ibiza Yeah, the foam parties. That's your favorite, huh? Foam parties fucking raves What kind of like the Absolutely, I love that music too. Yeah, right out my days there

Right out my fucking in Ibiza. No, I'm being serious. What would you do if if you had And it's hard to say I you know, you have seven months they do say things like You know, it's I do think believe that the whole the purpose the finding your happiness is in

Your relationships with other people. Oh for sure without question, you know, I would I would obviously spend time with You the most um, I try to connect with um me. Wow. It's a surprise. I wouldn't think that Not just you I would also Yeah, you know connect with family that like, you know, the people who meant the most to you I would try to spend some time with yeah, I mean, I would also want to see you know Something I whatever is like, I'm trying to think of like the big thing. I wish I could say oh, I wish I Had seen that or done that. I don't know Yeah, is there is there like a I hate the fucking phrase that bucket list phrase. It's so fucking cheesy. Yeah

No, I mean, is there a list of what have you not done that I've never done a porno Right, right. I'd want a star in one. Okay. Duh and go on. That's number one church more Mm-hmm Go to church. Which one all of them Mm-hmm join a choir join the choir sing in the choir while doing a porno Here he comes here he comes Here he comes

That's not I don't think that's appropriate. Where would I want to go? I don't know if I have a real Ooh, is there a country that I really want to visit that I haven't really long gone not on my list Um, definitely india you are desperate to go to uh Mumbai Or deli you're such pakistan pakistan. You want to go to pakistan pakistan. I'm sorry pakistan

You've you've said to me numerous times. I love the the smells and the heat of pakistan and the cuisine I would not want to go to pakistan afghanistan. It's really nice. I do not want to go to afghanistan. Come on There's got to be What is my I don't think so. I do want to go back to places. I never really got to experience Do you know what I'm saying? I'd like to explore italia more. Oh fuck. Yeah. I was only there very briefly I've told you year after year that even though I would I went I went for three days to paris

When I was in college when I was studying abroad, but I want to go and like experience Bali I'll be I'll be great. Yeah, I want to gain like 80 pounds. I want to go to italy. Yeah, and just fucking eat it Yeah, I'm a foodie. I want to go eat great food Yeah, get tits in my face. Yeah You know Yeah, but I would do those open up a line of crota in your name Like a lot of it and then call up richard branson and be like how much is it to go to the moon on your cool moon vessel Two or three hundred thousand. Oh, that's it. Funny. I have the money and funny. I have the money

I want to I want to hang out richard branson and when they when they when they from his company virgin and they're like Um, so this payment is it is this correct that it's coming from thomas sagura? Yes It's not under your name. No, it's tom sagura. Do you have authority to do this? I'm his wife. Absolutely. Okay 300 000 Thank you very much. So that when I die you leave me you're saddled burden Yeah with crippling debt. That's what I want for you And that is your gift to me and then as you take your last breath you go I have something for you and you give me this piece of paper. I think it's a love note and it says $390,000 to sir rigid branson and I go. Why did you do this to me? What would you say?

It's my last dying wish. I just wanted to give you the finger one last time It's so fucked up. No, isn't that great? It's horrible. I'm trying to think if there's any other revenge fantasies I have God, why would you have revenge on me? No, I'm just kidding. I wouldn't do it to you Um, I don't know if there's anybody but I have to use somebody's name To open a line of credit to crew, you know to do the fraud to get on Richard Branson's Moon plane. I want to see the moon stuff. That'd be cool They don't just let you on there. You got to pay a lot. You do have to pay a lot Do you want to go up to space? I would I would on Richard Branson's plane

Why his only because I fucking trust that guy Why do you trust Richard Branson because you can do a lot you can do a lot more than But here's the thing you just you trust Richard Branson, but I have a spaceship. Why don't you take mine? I want to ship out. I have a ship out back you you don't have a spaceship. What you have is an aluminum foil Head headband. No, I'm playing for you. You can go have space in my spaceship Would you go and Richard Branson's plane? I would if I had the money. I would do it. Yeah, I think it'd be awesome Here's the thing too is you're not what you're doing is you're going for the You're going up into

That part of the what is it stratosphere right? So yeah, you're leaving You know, you're in zero gravity You're seeing space, but you're not going on like some Mission, you know up there forever. It's a short trip It's just crazy How much money do you feel like you would have to have To justify a three hundred thousand dollar One day

You know, you got to be up there with like the bill gates of the world. Oh, that's no fun. You can't say it like that What for that's talking real world numbers? I think I don't know because I don't even have that kind of scratch Of course we don't but that's why you can talk about it I think I think to me that amount would equal like, I don't know Is it like three thousand dollars to someone that makes the normal amount of money? That's a lot Three hundred thousand dollars. Let's say that's the total cost. I'm just guessing this If it's three hundred grand, that's the cost of like an exotic car, you know, like a Ferrari Lamborghinis some of them. I mean some of them are more obviously Bentley

It's the cost, you know, you can relate it to other things like It could be your second or third Maybe like some condos somewhere like second property, you know, I'm saying if you have crazy money, right? So I think you could justify it if you read that was your I want to do this more than anything You could justify it if you had like, you know, this is me talking If you were worth seven million dollars, I would be like if this is your dream Yeah, do it. Yeah, I guess that makes sense seven Or five even sure that's what I'm saying. Yeah, Bill Gates

Bill Gates and Belinda Belinda Gates. Melinda. Melinda Melinda farts in your mouth Why would you say that No, it's rude as shit That's it. That's what we so you go into space Yeah, I think it's a pretty short thing Then they're like, all right, zero gravity. Have fun the next 10 minutes. You paid 300 grand No, you float around. Was it you who was telling me about astronauts and they have

Atrophy very very quickly in space like your own density and all that crap. Yeah. What were you saying? Well, I it was because I um I listened to part of One of rogan's podcast. He had the canadian I forget his name astronaut commander What is ever a major tom? Major tom

Was on his show and I watched like the first 20 or 30 minutes of the show Because he has I think he has a new book out or something. He was promoting his book But anyways, it was fascinating the guy on my space book everybody He's like, oh, I've been to space. I wrote it in outer space with a space pen But he was talking about all kinds of crazy. Let me look up this guy. I want to read that Dude, space is like I like the things that terrify me the most in life are prison space

Uh being lost in space alone And like the ocean like being lost at sea alone the the infiniteness the infinitude Of all oh, but prison more. I think prison the most actually commander chris hadfield um What is the guy's name? It's joe rogan 414 And this guy I was it was just really interesting. He was talking about cradle and I think with another

iteration or two of our exercise equipment will get that solved and then Yeah, but uh what to make the hull out of how do you make a toilet that works at the closed environmental solve before you head that way And what about like sustainable resources like as far as like food and things like that? Do they have to On the moon before we launch tomorrow Shadowy images like those images where I mean, they were some really unique things. There's a rock near my house. That's a square rock Suspended in it. It's we aren't used to them in the universe under our feet Or are all around us and then feeling that you're in it not just sort of below it looking up at it And that is really different and that's when you really see that the world is just in the neighborhood

and that it is A ball with the moon being a ball and the sun's over there and if we go out there That's mars you really get that feeling when you're out on a spacewalk I've heard several astronauts talk about that feeling and that That moment when they are outside of the spacecraft looking at the the universe itself and saying that it changed them forever It gave me A profound respect and also I don't even know

I mean Nobody knows the answer right big bang and all the rest of it and and all the All the belief systems around the world and how everybody deals with all that And I sure don't know the answer to that but when you look at the world It's it's really hard to convince yourself that it's random just looking at it. It's like how can that possibly be? Wait a minute. He's saying it's not random. I thought he was going the other way with that argument And this is why it's a great episode. Wow. I gotta hear this But he also talks about what you were what I was telling you the physicality of the physicality part was really fascinating

He said that one of the things he said was that They found that you they have to do an hour of weight resistance and an hour of cardio Every day seven days a week. That's what I do. Anyways, it's you would be an easy transfer How I love to live. Yeah, there's all kinds of things going on in the body that are fascinating It's a really interesting episode of you, you know, so he's saying that his experience of of viewing the universe basically from like A fucking crazy cool from the creator's perspective is that he thinks what's not random at all That's really interesting

I guess. Oh, it's fun. Check it out number 414. I mean, I like helping out this this rogan guy too. He has a very He's uh, joseph roganes. He has a Um Podcast and I you know, I'd like to help him out now was he on he hosted a tv show Uh, like a like a game show. Was it the price is right? That's right. He did host the price is right. Um, and he also glasses. He's got those silly glasses. He wears glasses He has a he had a show called Uh, what is it called? It was called

fart Fart fatter fart fact fart factor Is That is joe roganes By the way, do you realize now? I mean, this is just pretty cool. This is what your little mommies our world we had

Um We had angel on our show a long time ago way before Howard stern did And they had him on then everybody was hitting us up. Hey guys Angels on sterns like yeah been there put your dick between your legs and then last week the series, um

Finality, excuse me the season finale of tosh. Oh They had king ash ripper on Oh People were like holy shit king ash ripper. Guess what I showed that video to tosh personally So now your mom's house Has something we got something that ended up on stern and on tosh. Wow. Can you believe that? Just from this little mommy operation. That's so crazy. It is crazy. It is crazy. Sorry I'm still stuck on the astronaut who thinks that we have purpose in the world

Do you realize how rare that is? Just just to go back to this thought sure most people that study the existence of like chaos or randomness We said the universe is fucking meaningless and random and then it's very hard to prove order And that this was deliberate. I believe it's uh the tele logical argument is what this guy's saying that everything has A place it's not a random thing It's very interesting because most people like what's his name? Carl Sagan on his deathbed died an atheist And I think he believed that everything was random Sagan too Didn't let it be known while he was alive

Um, but it came out afterwards that he was a huge proponent of no marijuana. Oh, of course Some of his most profound steepest thoughts came while he was under the influence Never let that out never let it out while he was alive. It's too bad. Yeah, maybe he would have uh felt more connected if He let it out. Yeah Interesting. I gotta listen to that fucking thing. Yeah, you'll like it I don't think we're alone. You think we're alone. You think there's other life genes um

I think The universe is too big And it would be too arrogant to believe there's no other life. It's just too crazy. Yeah, I agree The more and I think what happens is the more you have The knowledge that somebody like this guy has The crazier it is for them to believe that they're the only we're the only yeah I mean, I think the more you know, yeah, the probability of their being life outweighs the improbability I mean, you have to be kind of dopey to think that there's no probability of it. I think the people

Who are adamant about there's no possibility or probability Are almost always people who really don't have even not that I have all the understanding but I think they have Zero grasp of how big we're talking about the universe is yeah It's so far beyond what we can even begin to wrap our heads around. Yeah, that's a crazy car I mean not just the planet in

What we know of our Galaxy, I'm talking about The entire universe. It's so massive. It's it has it's just bananas. I think that all of that exists just for earth It's stupid. It's very narcissistic to think that we're the only ones Yeah, now do you believe there's a parallel universe? I don't know that in which we exist and maybe have another podcast Just like this and you have a leash on you're eating out of your dog bowl at all times

And you are a bear hunting salmon in the river and you've murdered somebody and it's made you very happy Did you kill timothy treadwell? Who? We gotta get going. You know timothy treadwell Hmm blonde hair goofy glasses talking to the foxes. I thought it was retarded guy That's the best grizzly man. That's what we're referencing if you haven't seen it You gotta see it. We're gonna we're gonna I want to continue this discussion on the universe I think it's very interesting. I love talking about the universe. What does maria think about the universe? Ah, I mean there's so many possibilities out there

I don't know We also didn't discuss the exercise gear that I bought or we have a new celebrity Music thing. We'll do that on the next episode. Let's call it teaser in the business celebrity music thing Yeah, oh, that's right. Yeah, we got submitted another celebrity who has a band and it's pretty red Do you check out that track that you sent me sweet the sweet lick? Yeah That sweet lick. All right. Is this our song here? Okay, I love you guys. We love you guys. Love you jeans. Bye guys expand infant Oh

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