Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 185-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: January 3, 2014

Jeezy is short for Jizzles - that's a little known fact we made up. As the new year gets rolling we want you to stay POSITIVE. We encourage you to reaffirm positive thoughts about yourself with yourself. You're smart! You're good! You listen to the best podcast! You wear your jeans super high! You idn't greezy! We get to the bottom of the Dog's T**S expression and it really is something else, mate! THEO joins us on the show to share his last few days and also to talk about his favorite vice (not healthy). Who better to get your year rolling than the one and only TOP DOG. He guides you on your brown pathway and gives insight on more than just wiping (sorry Puerto Ricans). This ep is the jeans machine. Sharkeisha, YES!

Hey, what is your favorite way to kill somebody? Because you're gonna be so nervous I Killing is like getting pussy Go out I was the top dog tribute that's getting some from Adam. Thanks Adam. Wow, it's good appreciate it Very very talented young man That's your dad. Yes. He's talented and so is Adam. Yes. That's your dad talking about killing

Sure was how does that feel feels feels right? Happy New Year everybody. Happy New Year everyone. We did we put the New Year's bonus episode up Number people pointed out some audio complaints and I know we suffered greatly because of that We wanted to have that sounding perfect that was literally after hours and hours and hours and a lot of back and forth with the people that recorded it Just didn't work out. So I'm sorry if it. I thought it was still listenable If you didn't I apologize so the

Well, here's another thing. I keep getting emails about bonus episode 4 being $900 yes on iTunes. I know we've already made the price change requests. You don't have to let me know Anymore I know and they told me that they've Receive the request and they're in the process of changing it. So my apologies For that not being the right price. We are we are aware and we are waiting. That's all we can do So I think they had they were slow because the holidays. Yeah, usually they turn it around immediately Yeah, I think it was just timing. I think they're understaffed right now people are gone So just be patient mommies and give it a minute. We don't intend for you to spend

999 no never and here's another thing just so you know that one the bonus for It sounds perfect It's audio wise is it is actually the most perfect sounding episode ever audio wise It is the highest quality sound that we've ever done regardless of it being live or in our studio It's the best episode. Wow that good. Yeah. Yeah, it's absolutely perfect No, I admired The audio quality of it. That was the ice house. Yeah, the ice house episode Speaking of if you're local, we're coming back to the ice house when are we there January 25th?

So get your tickets man. We're gonna be in that second room. It's very intimate. It's very fun We bring the dog we fucking let our nuts hang and we have a really good time So come out if you haven't seen it now is the time if you have come back and we'll we'll party. I love that place It's the best, right? also January 17th and 18th. I go to Anchorage, Alaska. Holy shit is right I'm gonna be buying some long Johns this week at Target in addition to my north face I'm afraid

January 29th through February 1st. I'm at the Kansas City improv in Kansas City, Missouri and then For Valentine's Day, believe it or not. Yes, they got Tom Segura and I to go The Chicago improv we never we never said we'd do a Valentine's Day type of thing, but you know what? Just when we thought we were getting out They pulled us back in to loving mommy's and it's fun We're gonna have a good time. So come out to Chicago and see us drive to Chicago Start now get in your car drive to Chicago

Also, check out my new website Christina comedy comm and I just found out it's compatible on your my phone So there's a mobile component, which is super neat Follow us on Twitter at Christina P at Tom Segura What you got jeans? Yeah, I'll be in Phoenix. I'm actually going twice. This is a an odd Turn of events, but I'll be there the 10th and 11th with the Joe Rogan The very next weekend the 16th through the 19th. I'm headlining the club. So I'm going two weeks in a row One is a very short trip one is longer trip if you come if you want to come see me do an hour 16th through the 19th stand-up live in Phoenix. I would love to see you there

Of course the live podcast on the 25th at the ice house. Please get your tickets now It's a small room. It'll fill up if you're local. Please get them and then February 6th through the 8th. I am at Helium in Portland. Oh, so Portland, Oregon. It's go win Oh, and also guys just keep in mind 2014. We are coming to your town to do the podcast live We're gonna a lot of cities this year. We're working on finalizing them. We've mapped it out It's not nothing's completely solid. So that's why we're not announcing it But we're super excited to come to your actually No, because we want the links to be up for the oh, yeah, let's not do that

But we're so excited you guys it's all thanks to you. Thanks to your listenership and your devotion and For liking cool shit because I think we're fucking cool shit, man There's a lot of gay shit out there and we're not that that's a really Sales pitch here's my sales pitch for her. Wow Fucking lame-ass shit a lot of shit that sucks Your mom's house definitely doesn't fucking suck. We keep the real what keeps it 100. We don't give a fuck You know I'm saying, okay, you know I'm saying I have a job in my life All right, that's my favorite right right now. That's the one I'm looping on look you know I'm saying you're

Job in my life you're You guys we do we haven't had jobs in our life, but I've had many you've had jobs You've had jobs. I've never had my life. I've never had a job But here's something we want to tell you please check out Your mom's house podcast calm, you know I'm saying and Please support us by Doing all the things we've asked you to do we ask you to go Shop in our store, which is

Something a lot of you have done. We really appreciate it I never had a job before in my life until I start working for sure, you know in and out of jail You know I'm saying a little bit everything. You know I'm saying now You know I'm saying Um, so great. Look that store is the lifeblood of this show. So please We restocked our bike shirts We have the black top dog shirts. We even have the wipe down collection, which is a shirt Three albums and a poster and it gets the fuck out of here

There's all kinds of shit in there Um, and then we have the bonus episodes, which are the easiest way to support the show because Yeah, you're contributing a little something you're getting something in return. You're getting a you know an episode of a show you like Um, you know I'm saying you know I'm saying it's good and you know, it's not asking that much I mean fucking, you know, we're not asking you that much. I do a lot of fucking favors for you, don't I? We do favors for you. So just it's 199 Also, we are upgrading the studio in 2014. So everything you buy if you go to amazon.com Please do so through your mom's house podcast.com click on the banner that way we get a few decades kicked our way

You know, I mean, it's like all you got to do is spend two bucks For the bonus episode a lot of fucking favors for you, don't I? Yeah, so two bucks If all of you buy a two dollar bonus episode We're done. Yeah, bro. We can get some cameras in here. You know I'm saying a lot of shit, you know because right now Right now I'm sitting here wearing pajamas Some nice sweatpants. Tom's got his icky shirt on icky woods. Yeah, uh dogs here hiding his bone

You know, it's cute. We put some lighting up in the studio. Yeah, it's nice. It's fun. I wish you guys could see it So, you know, give us money. We'll get the cameras. We'll get the shit done. We get everything done Come over here and shit on my tits and you can shit on our tits with a video camera All right, he is so good at that. Yeah, we're gonna get can we don't play that we got to talk about another Goal. Oh, yeah. All right. Let's get this show started. So much happening. So much happening. You know what I'm saying? Let's do this. Here we go I like my school I like anything I like my dad. I like my cousins. I like my aunts I like my allicens. I like my mom. I like my sister

I like my dad I like my hair. I like my haircuts. I like my pajamas. I like my stuff. I like my room I like my whole house My whole house is great. I can do anything good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can do anything good Better than anyone Better than anyone This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this No mom in the fucking stand

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house With Tom Segura And Christina Pashitsa Oh Whoa, whoa Care to explain Our daily affirmation. Yeah. Oh, this is this is when we've been doing in the house lately Tom and I is making fun of this girl and in public and we do affirmations

Well, here's where okay, so this little this little girl I guess her mom video taped her in front of her dad. Oh doing positive I like my house. I like my dog. It's a little girl She stands on the on the bathroom sink and in the mirror. Yeah, and she very very positively And almost aggressively points at herself and lists out these affirmations, which they say she's never done before If you read the thing it was like a one-time thing and he happened to be That's so funny. Do you know that um, that's what they tell you in my hippy dippy new age books to do these positive affirmations. Oh, oh You better be careful. We're on this diet now. Yeah, you're gonna shit your fucking pants

Anyways, so it's true though. Okay, so like let's say for instance like right now it's 2014 you guys I'm sure you're at the height of your positivity. Everybody's got resolutions So the way you do affirmations is instead of going I hate being fat. I don't want to be a fat fucking pig anymore I want to stop eating macaroni and cheese at 2am in my room. What you say is I am Then I am healthy. I am beautiful, right? And that way you get what you want because you're affirming positively in the world You know what I'm saying? Yeah, you don't care. Do you I do so

But you're you're not you're not telling the story good about I mean come on It's a story and discuss this girl a little more. Yeah, there's this video. We're making fun You didn't tell the story about the girl. Well, I don't know much about her. That was all I know What do you know that she's standing on the on the Counter and she's like saying it in the mirror, which is what you're supposed to do for affirmations and it's adorable You could have said she's an adorable girl. She's adorable. She's cute white blonde little she inspired us to start the year off Sharing her with you the audience. Yeah And she's

You know an example of how to be positive. Yes that too. Yeah, she's like how I want to be Like I want to be like that girl where I just I love everything. She loves her haircuts. She loves her mom She loves it. So we do it wherever we go in public. Yes I like this sandwich. I like the bread. I like cheese. Yeah, I like the lettuce I like to drink. I like the way it tastes tastes good. Yeah Well, I like to do it for you when I notice maybe you're a little grumpy Yeah, I go tom. Do you want me to do your affirmations and you go? Yes, please and I go I like your beard. I like your eyes. I like your shirt. I like your comedy and then you boost each other up

Yep, and that's a fun way to live. It is positive affirmations positive. Here we go So that guy's being positive about the guy who's sucking his cock. He's saying. Yeah, suck that cock not stop sucking it Don't do that. Right. Right. It's yes Yes, I like that. Um, yes, sir Yes, I tell you the best part of my day today was talking to joey Diaz on the phone and it's pretty awesome. He goes Christina, I laid a big fought and I thought of you because I know you like them fought jokes Yes, you're right. He did I was talking to him on the phone He says you said I want to say something to joey and I just see you smile

And laugh and I go what you go joey said you thought of me when he farted. Yeah Yeah, it's neat when someone remembers you thinks of you fondly in their moment You know what happened last night is that I farted. Oh, tell the story. I farted And I was in bed with you and then I went And you were like don't do that Don't Don't go

Ah, like I just settled in. Hmm Because you know why that ah It was a very sarcastic now. You're scratching your armpit with your hand Yeah, so gross See people with our cameras in this room. They could see how disgusting that is. That's true They could the point of story is you did it like a very self-satisfied Ah, like it was sarcastic like, you know, nobody wants to smell your fart. No, I was like All right, why would you do that after because it felt it was very like no

Relaxing, yeah Felt good Okay, it was insulting and gross No, yeah We were in dc you farted in the room and it smelled so bad and in hotels now They don't give you matches anymore. Okay. What do you prefer after me farting? Do I fart and go? Hold on? Do I go? Oh my gosh Do I go?

Like that. Okay Do I go? Damn or Um, I like the I like you to be honest. I like to go damn really you're preferring the dam Well, I feel like the other ones are Oh The other ones are like a lie like oh my god, did I do that or oh, this is amazing And you like it's a duplicate straight up and down. Yeah, it's a little it's a little ridiculous. All right. Okay

Um, we should point out that we spent the new year's weekend in washington dc Recording stand-up comedies albums. Yep, and the shows were fucking awesome. Yeah amazing and the turnout in dc was the dog's tits Really really amazed me. It's not even a saying yet the dog's tits. It is a saying Oh, did you know that I found out I was using it incorrectly? Really? Yep. I did some research. What is it the dog's tits? Which is a british expression that kind of died down after world war two Was in reference to the fact that when a lot of these farms

went away and certain certain items were More scarce right farming products such as Eggs milk meat and things that they would produce It's in reference to they started milking other animals So to get milk and what they found was that dogs actually had Um, a sweeter milk. Oh my god. I'm gonna throw up. I can't hear this

Listen, listen. So what it's in reference when you're supposed to say it is not when something's awesome You're supposed to say it when something is great considering the circumstance That's the expression. Oh, that's cool. So it's like it's not like if you are If you're waiting outside, right and you're cold and somebody gives you a cup of hot coffee It's not the best coffee in the world But considering your circumstance, it's the dog's tits Or as they would probably say it's the dog's tits. It's the dog tits. My dog's tits, mate Bobby's your uncle, my

And the thing is that This is the dog's tits That's how they would say it. I like how we mix australian and english. They don't say mate in english Um, mrs. Bytes should know that it's the dog's tits Mrs. Bytes, would you like to have your biscuit than tea? I'll ring for them sir. That's Carson the cousin of butler sort of like us Considering where we are. It's the dog's tits Um, I can't wait for down and abby to start up again. No

Shit, dude. Do you realize down abby? Orphan black in april down abby in january. It's huge. We are Rocking and rolling with our nuts in our hands Through breaking bad That's fun. We're midway through season three. Yeah, and I can't get enough. Do you know if If breaking bad was about you it would be called breaking bad farts I Nailed it. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. That was good. Oh, that was positive affirmation. I don't like that

Carson the butler now. I don't like the story Uh, I don't like the storyline between mr. Bytes Um, and what's her name and mrs. Bytes. Oh, hello foofaloo. Hi. I don't like that hole I'm falsely accused now. He was acquitted of his charges, right for where we are. He's yes Yeah, we're through whatever's aired here. He's acquitted They really made you for a second think he was a psychopath though. Yeah, I know a good job I liked it when um, the dad of the house made out with that maze like he's all i'm gonna fuck this chick and then Yeah, fuck that shit. Remember when I told you that it was there and you're like, no, what are you talking about?

I was like, he just gave her the i'm gonna eat that pussy look Is that what's gonna happen to us one day when we live in downtown abbey? What did I'll fuck the maids? Yeah, please don't of course I will But you'll be on a long fucking walk around the pond or whatever You'll be playing cricket in the fields You know what we were talking about uh, so we're into the millionaire matchmaker on bravo And this season is like it's not real. I know he's so cute. What's fifo? He wants tension right now Yeah, he wants pets. He just randomly comes over here and he's like, yeah

Guys, what are you talking about? Remember this picture? Oh, he's talking. Oh my god Fifo get up here What are you talking about? He's got stuff to say. I think he wants to talk So uh fifo we didn't bring him to dc instead. We leave him with a dog sitter And he gets to play with all these other dogs and he lives With this guy he brings him to his house and there's all these other doggies and he gets to go to the dog park all day every

He goes to doggy day camp the whole time. It's awesome. It's the best time And they go to training even they go like the treat training. Yeah, he learns how to do commands and stuff So let's ask him how his uh, his time was What's up y'all? Oh fifo. Hi. Did you did you have fun at dog camp? I mean, I ran the show as usual You what you ran the show? Of course you did. What do you mean when the camp I was collecting money You know, I set up a line for people to walk up to they gave me money and then I hand out like a boner and shit

Uh, so you're saying you ran a small business while you were At dog camp. Yeah, that's what I do. That's what I've been doing I mean, I hustle I never stop hustling just because I got sick Okay Where do you so all the bones that I give you that's where you've been hiding them all my bones that you had that I took back I took To the field and motherfuckers would give me A couple dollars and I would let them have a bone or a half eaten bone depending on how much money they had

Dollars what are you what are you buying with your money cigarettes? Theo when did you start smoking when I was three months old? I've never seen you Yeah, I got my stash outside. What are you talking? Wait, when do you smoke? When when are you doing this? I'm done eating That's where you go when you go outside. We we take you out to poop and that's what you do Yeah, I smoke a couple cigarettes What what's your brand?

I like cools cools. Yeah, you don't think that's a little Little what I mean Okay, that's that's your thing I basically yeah, I mean, I'm not a big fan of that You know the dog shit you take me to do but right, you know, it's fun to To let motherfuckers know who's running shit south of the fucking tent I run LA basically south of the tent Right, did you make any friends? How about coconut coconut was one of the sweet dogs bitch? Yeah

Okay, what about Gertie that bitch's neck? You bit that bitch's neck. Yeah. What do you mean you heard her? I put my face on a pillow and she tried to she probably sit on the pillow So I get your ass out my face. So I bit on the neck and said next time I'm gonna drop blood. Yeah, that's not very nice. That's not how we play at dog camp What about what about Gertie? I saw you were friends with Gertie the goofy Gert. Yeah Goofball. She's a big dumb motherfucker. That's who that is Okay, uh

Yeah Well, I didn't know you were really like this. I wouldn't I mean the smoking has to stop in 2014. Any I didn't tell you how about the party I threw No, I basically threw like the best party on New Year's Eve. I had uh I had like different Punch bowls. Yeah that I put like for a Gertie and and coconuts. I don't like them I put vinegar in the bowl and made him sick Okay, you know, I also put little uh beef

bone chips like from From bowls were not supposed to chew on to make their intestines get torn up. Wait a minute. Theo, where are you getting this from? This isn't we don't You've been listening to our show, haven't you? Did you listen to the episode where tom and I were talking about killing people and hurting people? You act like I didn't live outside for three years Outside I've been outside Before I moved this from a white-ass house. I live outside Um, I'm sorry. You mean literally outside. Yeah outdoors and this is how you treated the other dogs in the neighborhood

It's a rough world. You don't know shit about it. No, I read the dr. Phil book about it Well, you know what Theo you don't have to do all that anymore. You're you're an inside dog now No I'm an inside dog with outside instincts. Okay. Well, could you not poison the other dogs at dog camp, please? As long as they give me my money I'm all right, you know, all right I threw uh, I barbecued on the 31st. You barbecued. Yep. You barbecued. Yeah, I had a barbecue. How do you hold the spatula? You don't have a thumb Like this all the your two paws pressed together, right? Okay. I've seen that. Yeah, I made uh

I made some uh riblets riblets. Okay. Yeah, and then I made uh a french beef dish Okay, well, how did you learn to cook? uh, because uh The fat woman at the last house Right cooked all the time. Oh, I see. Okay. So I used to watch and then her son was a chef. He's dead now, but He was a he was a cook. Yeah Okay, did you kill him? No, no, that was some That's the spewed over a hat

Yeah Okay, it sounds like your last family was kind of rough or how are we compared to them? Y'all slow. Okay Okay Theo Theo Did you just put your ass to the microphone and fart? Well, you keep asking me the same shit. Theo. Okay. Well, when I let you go then go back and take a nap I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette. I'll see y'all in a little bit. Theo, please don't smoke

Believe our son smokes. Jesus Christ Did you know that Theo smokes? No, I mean No I don't think we should let him. He's only three years old. I mean, you know, he had his own life before he got here I don't think it's like Maybe it's three. I know, but I don't think it's up to us to tell him how to do this. You know, I mean, who wants to smoke Can you believe we've almost had him a year? It'll be march is one year that we've had Theo Huxable And that's crazy. I know I think he'd assimilate a little bit more to our lifestyle

Not the outdoor lifestyle. You think he would be more of like our guy This must be my nicotope but um He was not Was that was that was that Theo's old house? That's his old neighborhood. Oh Oh, let's uh Did he bring any other audio with him? Um, if you listen to the last episode

We played live from san diego again. I'm sorry that the audio was spotty in places but We did introduce sharkisha who um, She was an internet sensation about um A month or so ago two months ago. Yeah From world star to to everywhere

She was um talking to a friend of hers And I guess the friend The friend didn't wasn't expecting sharkisha to hit her because she hit her just like the friend looked away for a second She got clocked in the face than other friends who were videotaping were like Don't do that sharkisha And sharkisha fucked up that other girl because the story is the other girl Was moving in on sharkisha's man Oh, yeah, that'll that'll that'll and then sharkisha was like hey

It's supposed to be my nicotope to her friend. Oh, that's what's happening in the clip. Okay. Wow Yeah, huh. How old is sharkisha? It turns out. I think she was 15 or 16. Yeah, yep well You know, I used to get very upset at girls bitches this bitch wendy stole my 13 year old boyfriend I found out they were fucking holding hands at the depeche mode concert wendy I should have fucking smacked that bitch then I didn't smack her though. Did you ever fucking hit some dude over some stuff? No And I wanted to wanted to of course

Yeah, no, I've never been I'm trying to think man the only time I ever got like You know roughed up or whatever. I was a new kid in school in fifth grade. I think yeah fifth grade And this kid like kneaded me in the stomach Gave me a jet like a punch it I needed the stomach Because I was new Yeah You know it definitely sucked, but it wasn't like it wasn't a full on like shit kicked out of you kind of thing

Fifth grade fifth grade um sharkisha. No I had some close close calls In those schools. Let me see Yeah, and I thought this kid Benny Cleveland was his name I thought he wanted to fight in seventh grade like that kid man another kid. Yeah, it was always like, you know Shoving up against a locker or that kind of stuff But that's like you're so young. It's kind of hard to get really hurt in those incidents. Yeah

um High school should have fought a black girl Yeah, high school Benny was black high school. I oh, he was black. Yeah, fuck you up. No He told me I was ugly. It's not cool. Um, he's fucking ugly. Fuck him. Yeah, and then Try to think yeah high school. It just I never gotten any now Well, high school you you and I both went to private high schools after I after I got into fights I went to private school. I went to private school after I went to public school for a little while. Yeah public Yeah, there was not I mean there's fights and there was fights actually

I I broke up a fight where a dude's face was All bloodied at private school That's so scary, you know and somebody was just wailing on him. I was like, all right. I think you got him in I picked him up. I was like, yeah, yeah, you won dude That's why teenage boys are so scary because like you're just full aggression at that age You know, that's like that's why I guess they make like military That's a perfect age to get boys to go over like 18 year olds who are just full of testosterone and anger Yeah, you know what I mean? Like that that's that's the age where you need a cause if you're

Not in something you're not involved in some shit. Yeah, you think you need to to get involved. Yeah, you know Wait, did you even address how much we liked DC? I feel like did you say anything? Oh, I mean, yeah, it was awesome It was like I was the best cd recording ever. I I think it couldn't have gone any better quite honestly And I part of it is I'm so like super critical of myself. I fucking hate everything I do all the time, of course But it was great. I think it was a really fun time. New Year's was ridiculous Uh, we had we did the countdown with people was so much fun. All the here's the other thing all the shows That we did we ended up doing

two four five six seven shows all together all had Little mommies at the show. Oh my god. So many genes were there to the point where we are definitely working on In addition to a bunch of other cities where we're working on getting um de sizzle a live podcast date in 2014 and de sizzle Yeah, it'll be dope. It's gonna be great. DC improv is an amazing club if you haven't gone to a show They're a highly recommended that's a fucking Dude, that's a great bro. Bro. So I didn't even fucking talk about this

But I came back from Atlanta the week before and I was on the airplane on those fucking laydown beds Dude, like I got upgraded which was super rad because it was a super early flight and I was tired Anyways, I fucking look and this dude next to me He's got on like super nice timbulins and like tons of gold chains and his facial hair is like Perfectly done, you know And like so so he sits down next to me and I'm like is this guy a rapper and then I'm like Oh, am I racist like to automatically assume that like a good-looking black guy's right rapper Anyway, some other guy comes in in a gray suit gives him breakfast

And then sits down behind him and then this other like really cute little girl comes in with sunglasses on sits down behind him All in first class So I put the picture on instagram later. I'm like first you said it to me. I said it's you and I'm like you said I'm so racist you said Is it who would you say I go is this black guy? Somebody is this black guy famous or is this yeah, is this black guy famous? Yeah, and I wrote to you. I think it's just a black guy

Yeah So I laugh and I even realize how racist that sounded like yes Any hoodles I put the photo on instagram and then people were like, oh, that's young jeezy jeezy 100% Now as young jeezy is that short for young jizz? Yes jizzles or something like that His real name is jizzles But his nickname is young jeezy. Yes. Now. What does he sing? He sings a lot of songs He likes to sing

Let's see. I'll pull up. What is this? He's saying what you know about that Is that him what you know about that what you know about that? Yep, yep, you got it young. He is young. That's why I was like he can't be a rapper. This guy's like You get it all week time You get it Oh May I ask you something here he is Okay, you know this one. I like this one. Yeah, whatever I do I do for my city. It's all shitty. Yeah

What the fuck? What the fuck? Yeah, that's probably good That's better. There you go. No Yeah, what's funny is that I did not recognize jeezy in that photo at all Um, and I really realized because every photo I've seen of him is like a highly stylized photo Yeah, it didn't click for me at all. You know when you're like like when you said it It was when I it was confirmed by people. I was like, oh, yeah, but it it didn't click for me when I looked at it Yeah, he's a pretty big star. Yeah. Yeah, he's huge

Is this considered rap or is it considered singing because he's kind of like he's he's rapping for sure It's kind of slow. This is the trap god for sure. I'm sorry. He's the trap god. What's that? You know, he runs the trap. Nope. I don't get it drug dealing drugs. Oh He moves away. No drug dealer You guys are coming from Atlanta, right? Yeah, that's where he lives. But how come all drug dealers are good rappers? I don't understand how they're not all good rappers ross He's not a rapper officer ricky. What is rick Ross? He's the boss. He's a rapper He's not a fucking drug dealer didn't he's claimed to be one

He may have claimed but he's he was a department of corrections officer officer What about fitty fitty said he's used to be a drug dealer. He did deal drugs and now he's a kick-ass rapper So what's the correlation? It's just part of their world, babe. I don't know what you want from me right now. I don't know. I thought that you know So what we're we're reading about g's right now young jizzles. Yeah, um, he is from Atlanta. Like I said, okay See his albums are let's get it thug motivation The inspiration may name my album that thug the wrist the recession

It's a lot of albums. How old is this kid? He is 36 What? Dude that guy looks Literally, I thought he was like 19 or 20 30. This motherfucker's my age Let's see personal life. Let's see after Katrina Gz opened his house to the victims in an effort to help them have a place to stay That's nice of him

In 2005 the mother of his nine-year-old son used this as the basis to petition for child support. Okay cool Early in the year she claimed that she had little income No access and done it and not even have a house. Let's see Okay in 2005 he was arrested after an alleged shooting involving some of his friends. See that's hardcore There you go. He was charged with two counts of carrying a concealed firearm without a permit However prosecutors dropped his charges too much later over lack of evidence

And in 2007 he destroyed his Lamborghini Was hit by a taxi crossing Peachtree street outside of Justin's just Sean Combs restaurant Atlanta um the Atlanta journal constitution reported his claim that this gave him a new appreciation for life Um, he's been arrested for DUI Blah blah blah nothing

But you know how much work it takes to be successful in showbiz So like how do these guys have I feel like some of this is bullshit like Carrying guns around like that's just part of the image. No, I mean some of it. But like I'm saying with him All right, I'm the I don't know his whole life. I don't know his biography with some guys though like if you are from The streets for real, right and you you come up and really a hard streets living like you're right dealing dope then You've been around guns and that is part of who you are. Yeah, and then sometimes guys

You're right. They weren't really like hardcore. They weren't really thugs But they rap about it and then they get guns Either way If you're that successful, you should try to leave some of that crazy street life behind because You don't need that anymore. You can kind of derail that rap career, man. Definitely. Can you fucking move that guy's so successful? Oh, jeezie. Yeah, dude. Let's look up what they say his net worth is so cray cray Oh Man, yeah, when someone brings you breakfast in the first class in a gray suit. Yeah, you know, like here's your grit sir

You're like According to celebrity net worth. He is worth 15 million damn You remember um, the guy who kept getting in trouble was ti. Yeah tiny and ti. He's got that show with his uh, boo She's she is fucking Serious too tiny. She did not play like she she lived some thug life shit for sure Yeah, oh Oh for sure. Okay shawty tom. I would hide your guns. I would hide your drugs. Thank you. I would lie to the law for you

Just see him ti This is worth 40 million dollars He was arrested multiple gunshot like or Fucking like assault rifles and m16s and shit. It is so crazy So fucked up, dude. Fuck. What a life Thank god in comedy, you know, I got to say as comedians we deal with very little compared to like rappers Like we don't have beef with each other. We don't shoot each other

Somebody told me like one of the guys I used to work with who was big into hip-hop shit You know who I used to work for those guys Guys rad. Yeah Those guys were always behind my comedy career as it was developing and they're like, yo, man, you know what you need to do You know, you need to start beef with other rappers and the other ones like the other guys Will be like that's just tight. You should definitely do that. Yo, who do you want to start shit with? We'll get we'll get your back other comedians. Yeah, yeah Start shit start a public feud and we got your back and I was like this is so but well that's actually been done

Yeah, one one. I won't even say the kid's name, but when he was an open miker Made an album against one of the biggest comedy Yeah, and it was a fucking failure and it's kind of been done since then like I mean, I don't know that's straight up beefs, but like when people call each other out, you know, that's kind of like Well, but there's stuff like thievery, which is that's what I'm saying. Yeah, but that's like that's over a real issue That's not like yeah, but it does raise your profile. Like people find out about it. It works. Yeah You don't want to be on the end of that But if you're calling the people out and it catches on

You have to be right. I think you have to be right in order for that to work Because the guy the open micro that did that Uh, didn't do it, right? Because people were like, why are you you're not funnier than the guy you're calling out? So that doesn't work. Anyways, dude point of the fucking story. I'm so bummed. I never lose anything in my life, right Tommy? In the years you've known me. Yeah, you you really don't I don't lose wallets in my life now once I don't lose keys not once. I don't lose phones I fucking I but I had my nook my most cherished possession. You have to explain what a nook is Oh, it's a it's like an e-reader. Yeah, so you can download books on there. I love my nook

I mean Tommy got it from me. You got it from a 2010 And it's literally been my most useful piece of technology besides my iphone. I just cherish it I mean you can download books immediately and it's um, oh, it's just the best thing it's barns and nobles e-reader Yeah, it's like a kindle. Yeah, and I fucking took it out, dude on the early because you were thinking about jeezy I know And I put it in the side pocket and I was on the lay down beds

I was like, oh should i'm gonna lay down asleep got up I was pressured to get off the plane early because I was right in the front Fucking left my nook there in the plane Left it there and I didn't realize it until I was halfway home in the taxi cab And you know when you get that feeling where you just know Mm-hmm. That's that's seeking feeling you're like fuck It's the worst mother fuck

And then I called delta and of course they're like you can fill out a report and then if somebody hands it in you'll get it Well, guess what? It's been uh, it's been fucking since December 22nd. Nobody's handed it in You know, they have a that's a different policy suckers. They used to have a better policy What's the policy they used to have a thing where like you tell them You know the flight with a gate and all that thing you're like, oh and they're like something somebody would go try to find your Shit. Yeah, and then after I guess maybe too many people doing that They're like just file a general law now we do a general loss and found And then if you're whatever you're like your claim matches something then you'll get a call

That's bullshit And the thing is too if you leave some shit on a plane now and you just you get off and let's say you're just at baggage claim It's too late for you to get buck on that to get back on the plane Right because then they're cleaning it out. They're already turning it around. It's very few and far between you're just fucked So I'm super bonds Yeah, it's not cool. I've I remembered once one time I had like One of those sony gaming handheld gaming devices And I left it in the seat pocket in front and I really I remembered

As I'm exiting the plane So I immediately turned around and people are exiting and the lady was flying into like, what are you doing? Yeah, I was like, I'm going so you have to wait for them to get off You can't fight people to get I was like fine So I was so upset I had to wait for everybody to exit the plane and then I go back and of course it was there Oh, good. You're lucky. Yeah, I mean it was immediate. I I turned around immediately. It wasn't I didn't even leave the jet bridge Yeah, well some fucking dirty thief has mine right now some fucking shit bag I wonder what ethnicity they are a piece of dog shit motherfucker. I wonder what ethnicity they are

Hey, buddy Hey, buddy stop dog You need to write down It's top dog Um So We spoke to top dog. What better person to get you going on that positive affirmation lifestyle Yes

this Early in the year and my dad top dog We got into some things kind of some things came out of nowhere Important things important things and this time Christina joined us on the call. Well, I had some very pressing issues for him You had your own personal questions Let's get into it. Hello dad Hey, buddy. Hey, what's up? I'm here with Christina. Hi, Dr

Hey, Christina. How you guys doing? Good. Happy new year. How was your new year's celebration? Did you guys do anything? Of course not Nothing at all Well, I think Well, I you know, I watch some football Stayed home No dinner You know, I

I think maybe we went to fridays and stayed home for something but By the way, you know Far days, I like to always Imitate the way he says fridays, which is fridays And it's like the one time that he actually said it right. It made me upset Well, I actually heard fardies fardays fardays. He usually says I like fridays fridays You know, you don't really do much get how about the end of school in the first minute and a half of the first quarter

Did you watch it? No, I didn't I didn't Did um, did you say fridays? Man, I don't remember what we did to tell you the truth. That was two days ago. Tommy I'm just trying to get him to say fridays at this point. Okay Do you like fridays? Oh, I love tgf fridays It's one of my favorite places to eat more than chilies I don't like chilies compared to fridays

I hate when I come when I visit my parents and I'm like because I like restaurants, you know, I like dining I like sure I like good food and when I'm like Like when I got to eat I go yes, and I know like all like the places that are good in their area Yeah, and like you want to go to fridays? I'm like, no, I don't want to go to fridays And I don't want to go to applebees. I don't want I want to go like to one of these fucking out back Yeah, all those places we go to out of necessity right take it like takes me somewhere cool. Yeah, it is better Um, so hey, we have the the

Oh, do you have any new year's resolutions by any chance? Work less. Yeah, nice and accomplish more. Okay. I like that. I like that. You know, I mean I am I'm going to I'm starting to Try to perfect being Both productive and lazy at the same time. I love it. I think it's a great goal by the way Yeah, I think he's got the right idea man. That's how everybody should work less make more. There has to be a way Don't kill yourself. Yeah, that's good. That's great So something came up when we were in dc

And you know, christina Brought it up and I was like you should ask my father that so I'll let her ask you and and you give her your I thought I thought you'd probably have an opinion on this Okay, well top dog. It's a two-part question um number one I I went to the bathroom Okay, and it's it was kind of runny like it was kind of uh Uh-huh It was mushy and but it smelled really bad. It smelled kind of like like dog diarrhea

And I don't know. Have you ever had that and and what would make it smell like dog diarrhea? Well, it probably You know when you this was After you landed in dc. Yeah, I'd been there for like two or three days already. Now airplane food airplane food. Yeah You think that did it? Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Why why abs? Do you like how immediate he was in his? Well section of the problem and assessment. Yeah, and my favorite about top dog is he always. Yes, aunt like he rolls with it Yeah, he's like, oh, yeah, okay. Like yeah, I've heard this before. Yeah, he knew who knows this one. Absolutely

well, you know First of all airplane food is shipped stored You never really know You know who's handled it how long it's set up and Warehouses so I I am not You know when they pass out sanitary awards They generally don't give them to airline food companies. Okay. Do you but you specifically think that the dog diarrhea smell

Can be attributed to the airline food. Oh, sure. Sure. Do you ever have the smell of dog diarrhea in your feces? I've had every possible smell there is over the years really Oh, yeah, but you know what she means when she says dog diarrhea, right? Oh, yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah. Yeah It's the airplane food, you know Well, because I had some raviolis that makes sense. I had ravioli on on the flight in Oh, well, there there you go. So that'll do it. There you go. You know, you got oh, absolutely Yeah, first of all, it's ground meat. It probably wasn't fresh You know, you probably had some

It was a ground meat in our ravioli It was cheese. It was cheese. Yeah, it's Puerto Rican making it. You know, then watch his hands A couple probably watch his hands in a week. It's true picking noses probably, you know, his hands down and And down there and his girlfriends, you know Forests and great, great, you know, so No, I mean, it could have been another ethnic group probably too though. Probably not just reacons Well, yeah, I could have been another ethnic group, but not a white guy. That's for sure

No, no, no, because No, that's for sure So Here's wait, here's the second part of her question. This is where I know I think you probably will have an opinion. Tell them the other problem. Well lately top dog. I've been having this thing where I go to number two and then I go to wipe and it's just it's an endless wipe Leaky butt that leaky butt and then so like I wipe by wipe But then I go back later and he said that like we discovered a treasure right leaky butt

The day and it it likes it like leaks out like it's still it's leaky butt. It's leaky butt. Yeah Yeah, you know what? Do you know what leaky butt is? Oh, sure. Yeah, it's when you I take but it's It's the way you sit on the toilet if you sit on the toilet And your cheeks kind of spread Your asshole you're you're you're gonna have It's gonna stay kind of open a little bit. So you got to make sure that you close your eyes and closed Yeah, you got a crack you got a crack in the door there. That's what you got

So Crack in the door. So are you saying that? Not on the toilet, but outside of the toilet Make sure your asshole is closed. Oh Right exactly exactly I've been sitting I've been leaving the door open. Yes, you've been leaving the door open And that's that's the cause of leaky but leaky butt leaky, but yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah Is there nothing else that causes leaky, but it's just an open door

Well, I think you know, uh You know, I think that if you It depends if you have a squirreler or not. Okay. Yeah, sometimes, you know, you sometimes when you have Uh, a really big one that doesn't close is because you kind of stretch things a little bit So sometimes you shit and

your asshole stretches All the way open and doesn't close because the shit is so big I don't I don't know if I if I follow that logic. I don't know man. I what I think is happening I guess because it's so runny. Maybe it's still stuck in my outer part of my butthole, you know in that part and it just Right, it just keeps coming out. Like maybe it's just not all finished. I don't know

But I don't know if I sit with my asshole open. I don't not sure that's factually Don't think that you understand more of what's going on than he does Oh You know, um, mine's like running well, mine's Kind of we have to door to close tommy. I mean, it's you know, all right. You don't shut the window. You get a draft That's what happened

Interesting. Um, yeah, you know what happened is that we we just Got back from dc and we started eating healthy just in the last couple days I've noticed much healthier, but active Browns bowels coming out of me like I'm I'm shitting a couple times a day and it's pretty healthy. It's not it's not as splattery and loud as I'm used to Well, you know, you figure when you travel particularly, you know Your subject to you know, a really a lot of really that you don't know about that food and handles

You know, I mean, you know Uh You know read consumer reports this week, you know, every another piece of chicken again, okay? Oh, no Oh, yeah, I mean, there's just a lot of most most gastrointestinal problems come from poor food handling So basically

from Puerto Ricans Well, I mean Let's face it. Do you really think In places those backroom catches in New York and dc and And you know in all those Korean towns stuff you got in LA that they're following the local health regulations to the to the letter of the law It's a good thing. So that's a good point I mean if you walk in there with the kitchen thermometer where it's supposed to be 38 degrees

I bet you one in ten. I'm not the right temperature, okay Yeah, and lately top dog. I've been having uh browns where I just don't even bother wiping I just go straight to the shower. Have you ever had that? Oh, yeah, that has happened. But that is that only happens when I have a real blaster, okay Where you don't even bother you just go right to the shower. I'll go right to the shower Oh, yeah, you realize that you just isn't You know when that when you're on your your your basic onto a half a roll of toilet paper And

You got you till they're still there you figure your only your only recourse Yeah, it's a go to shower. I've done that before yeah, do you find? Um When you were growing up could you have these types of conversations with your mother or your father? You have to be shitting me. Okay No, I mean Yeah, I told you the day that most women You can never talk about going to that and what they do is they kind of just

Disappear I'm gonna go check my makeup. Well, you know what women when they go check their makeup They're gonna go there take a dump No repers We reposition a tampon What I loved your face when he said that that was my favorite thing. Where is he getting his information from? Who the fuck is telling him this? Repositioning a tampon

Do you know how hard it is to do that by the way once one's in there? It's kind of just in there you guys you tag it out. You play with it. You put it back Not that simple. You know, they don't Let's face. That's what they do. Is that what they do? Is that what you do? Of course they do that. I'm they do that. I'm sitting with a woman. I'm asking her. I don't reposition the tampon But you know here's some here. Now here's the other when two women go to the bathroom together They eat each other's boxes. Oh, they're not gonna. Oh, no, no, they don't shit They take a leak

You know this that but if a woman goes to the bathroom, yeah by herself And doesn't want another woman to go with her. She's going there to take a shit. You're right. Actually, you're right top dog How did you know this you're right? That's right And because and they're very concerned, you know, I women are worried about their hair or their lipstick They're very worried about whether their shit smells or not. Okay. Yeah, that's true. Yeah And the key there, of course, I don't know this is that as soon as this shit hits the water yard flush toilet Yes, yeah, you know

That's right. That's what you I have another question Yeah When you were in vietnam and you were eating those mre's and so like you didn't you didn't shit for days, right? Like when you eat that stuff So how long like how long does it take to resume your normal? Oh, we would we would shit every day, but oh We're so small It was we had we shit every day, but it was a really small amount. Oh, okay. How much weight did you lose in when you were in vietnam?

Lost about Left here now at 150 pounds But when I left officer candidates go after 136. Oh my god That was when I lost most weight Damn, yeah, but vietnam 100 and 150 And what did you get? What was your normal? What would your weight normally would have been if you if you had? You know been just walking around the states, let's say 170

575 so you're like 25 pounds under your normal weight Yeah, yeah, that's a good diet Yeah, you should just go to vietnam Well there you have it top dog so many Revelations, I had no idea. You know, he knows a lot Puerto Ricans showering after tampons wipe blasters

He really knows a lot your dad. It's all there. I can't believe it the leaky door. I've been leaving the door open Gotta shut that door buddy, and I'm not saying that I have uh, you know I don't want to give the impression that I'm been throwing sevens all the time. That's not what's happening Right. I just have like right now because we're eating a lot of vegetables We didn't even tell them we're we're doing this thing Yeah, it's um, we're trying to get a little healthier to start off the year. It's called the 17 day diet There's a book out you can get it and it's it's not all weight Obviously, you're shitting your brains out for 17 days and it kind of gives you a nice jump start

But it's not an extreme diet to a diet. No, it's just protein vegetables and and like uh probiotics So you're you're eating yogurt twice a day. That's it today Had some egg whites for breakfast half a grapefruit Then had a What a big salad With a turkey bread like a turkey patty. Yeah, and then for dinner, we're gonna have more vegetables and some Fish lean protein

You just need that and that you do that for like 17 days and then you can add some carbon That's right. That's right. I mean, it's really just like eating not you just don't only get don't eat like an asshole That's basically no sugars. Right refined sugars. No alcohol. Obviously, we're doing it to just you know jump start our systems Clean it out. We did a lot of damage over the holidays I gained about I would say 10 or 15 pounds over the fucking holiday, dude over which holiday Thanksgiving and Christmas combined I'm so bummed because I got down to a pretty decent weight and then I just threw caution to the wind I drank a lot. I ate a lot of pie and stuff

So we're doing it right now. Hey, can I read one thing before we go? I really wanted to address this because this email Uh was May was a it's it's a little not serious, but I just wanted to make sure we address this Of course hold on so this uh, this person wrote in She's sad. Uh, she says her boyfriend of five years decided to break up with her today the day before new years. Yeah Yeah, I'm a bit devastated I've gone through all the emotions of anger super sadness relief angry again sad again and a lot of crying I love him very much, but I know things have to come to an end

I wish things could work and deep down. I hope it will in the future. Have you guys been broken hearted before? How can I get over this? How can I move on? Yeah? Oh Listen, I think that is the most Just this person doesn't want to be named. So of course Listen, that is probably the most universal thing you could ever go through as a breakup And absolutely everybody has had their heart shit on tossed out fucking run over Know that you're not alone

You're definitely not alone share your story with everybody and talk to your friends as much as you can don't be alone Get out of it up. Don't ball it up. Don't don't isolate yourself Hang out with people even if it's just sitting and watching movies Go with your family. You don't have to talk about your stuff all the time, but just don't be alone I think is key. Yeah, the really the the truth and it's you know, it's sometimes hard to hear but it's it's true is that The best way to get over the breakup is time. There's no I feel like there's no shortcut to really being heartbroken to pain No, there's just time and so, you know It seems like you're pretty in touch with what's going on. Yeah, and you just got to wait it out the other thing

Is um, you know, you could rebound on that on those other decks that are laying around Well, I've always yeah, I agree the best cure for an old dick is new dick Right and when you're ready to get out there listen also keep in mind the positive things about breaking up We're on positivity affirmations, right? Yeah, here's a good thing about breaking up with this person whenever you feel like God, I missed them and did it a think about the things that annoyed the shit out of you Okay, go through all the things that you're grateful not to have to deal with ever again. For instance, I had an ex-boyfriend who Was a neat freak. So god damn a good thing. I don't have to pretend like I'm a clean person anymore Stuff like that

So go through the shit that you're grateful not to deal with and believe me it makes it a lot better because I'm sure There's a reason you guys broke up and it wasn't because everything was perfect and hunky dory There's stuff that he did that probably annoyed the piss out of you and vice versa, which is why you're broken the fuck That's right So no, you're not alone talk to everybody who will listen to you right now Get involved in life go out do all the stuff that you would Uh normally do I know it's hard when you're in grief to even consider doing normal things, but sometimes it's the best um, that's really good advice. I also want to um say thank you to the

People that brought us gifts the lovely couple that brought us the pooping reindeer Yes, thank you guys. You guys are very sweet in dc. I don't the um the russian soccer team hat I rock that shit. That's so cool. Yeah, um on the way home. I wore it on the plane. Thank you for that Oh, the bowls and the bowls and the bowls whoever gave me that we keep mentioning the bowls and the bowls and the bowls They're from cretin barrel and you guys are very sweet. We appreciate that These are all people that gave us things at shows. Yeah, look, um we also know now

that This woman honestly Is on twitter. She is an adult performer She goes by the name of jules ventura and her twitter handle is j u e l

z v e n t u r a jules is j u e l z Ventura, let's tweet her The same way we got brace on this show. Let's get jules. Oh my god in studio honestly talking to us

About having two in you and three in you all that we want her to do voices for us. We want her to Talk so that we can get her to match or try to match um Maria You know got my fucking face. Yeah black. Oh blast my fucking day. Yeah blast my fucking day and we can We can finally play Maria or porn star So we need to get jules in here. So please tweet her. Please be respectful

Please encourage her to do our show and tell her how much fun she'll have and how we all love to have her on That's all See you got that. I gotta go get a cigarette I I'm sorry. Yeah, that's fifo because he smokes. He has a little bit of Tracheal things going on All right, um sleeping on my lap. Okay angel. That is our show Thank you

Very much. Let's go have some lean protein and vegetables lean protein and vegetables coming up We love you guys. We'll talk to you soon Five meows. Love you. You're the best What is your favorite way to kill somebody? Because you're gonna be so nervous Killing is like getting pussy All right, great. Let me go out and save it Oh

You got some that's nice