Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 191-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: January 24, 2014

If you're gay I challenge you to up your game. Listen to the gayest man that has ever lived and see if you can top him, if even, for a moment. When ladies OR guys can't control the joy they feel when they taste man yogurt in their mouth are you buying it? We kind of disagree on this point. I mean clearly people LOVE it. The drunkest man ever is revisited and it's undeniable - he's a huge fan of our show. You know what I'm sayin, you gotta gun yoself, you know I'm sayin? Yes, sir, we do. Do we have an impromptu WOULD YOU RATHER that is so awful you might not answer? Yup. Nancy Grace is a lying turd, but maybe pot does make you kill??? David Lee Roth and Flocka rock out for you. 

Hey, it's it's me Tom the one of the hosts of this show. You're familiar with me Here's our tag at the top the we we've been saying that the podcast Saturday will start at 8 And I realized that on the the website at the ice house It says 7 30 so that's the official start time the show will not start at 7 30 But it might start before 8 so I just wanted to make sure if you're joining us on laughter Or if you're going to the show that you know that it's actually going to be probably somewhere between 7 30 and 8 that the show starts. I really want people who are Joining the laughter thing to know that so that you don't join us too late. All right, that is all

We hope you enjoy this episode of your own mothers. Is that how you say it? No your mom's house Thank you. We love you. Bye. Bye Busting my chops take two But what's my chops about putting down cups? Take my panties I'll put them in your face I wear a sports bra all day I Wear my exercise clothes like they're normal clothes because I'm lazy I

Know go yoga pants all day Yo big time shit listen up We have the live podcast Saturday Saturday January 25th. We're at the ice house in stage to the little room there It's gonna be a blast. It's gonna be a such a fun show. Is it gonna be a blast? Blast all over your face. It'll be an empty jar guarantee But the best part of course is that we also get to stream it live to you for free So join us if you're not out on a Saturday night

You can watch the show live for free. It's laughter comm. That's la f f ster.com Ymh the show will start right about 8 p.m Pacific time So please join us it'll be a lot of fun you can interact with us on the show you can Here's what you can do Here's what you guys can do you can donate as you watch the shows free if you want to you don't have to do that You can for 20 bucks you get a shout out on the next episode of our show

For 40 bucks you can get a shout out a signed poster and a pre-release of my new CD that's coming out pretty soon And then a hundred bucks we will call you on the air and Plus to get the shout out a signed poster and a CD my new CD and then for 200 bucks We will call anybody you want to surprise them Plus to get your shout out your signpost for a new CD But it's even better because if you want to break up with somebody we'll do it for you If you want to prank call somebody we'll do that for you like the prank idea If you want to propose to somebody we'll do that if you want to take a shit on the phone

Tom will do that for you. Would you take a shit for somebody sure? The one that you just took before we started the show was pretty loud. Yeah, it was an immediate was an emergency We were on a business call and Tom was like Like a little anxious. Yes, and then you ran to the toilet. I didn't know I had to go I didn't pick up on my toddler's cues like I normally do now buddy. I had to go Cool Yeah, so that's that's this Saturday the 25th, please If you can't make it, please try to

Watch the show live on laughter. So that's that Laughter calm. Thank you very much Next week Where are you going you're going out of town? Oh my gosh, I'm going to Kansas City guys January 29th through February 1st Kansas City improv Kansas, Missouri Then February 13th through 16th with my honey pie Tomasito Segura we're both doing Chicago improv for Valentine's Day the week before though the 6th through the 8th. I'm in Portland at

Helium, so please get your tickets Portland. Let's fucking do this brah and then February 20th through 23rd I'm in Orlando at the Orlando impromptu That blood into someone else flew right in there and then San Jose February 27th through March 2nd come out if you're gonna come to the show Please come on Saturday either early or late preferably early because I will be taping that set It's a special a special special. There'll be cameras and stuff. It'll be very fancy. No and Follow us at Christina P at Tom Segura on Twitter because we we give all kinds of special things all Twitter

Well, you're uh, maybe make photos and such Secret things happen. Yeah, secret things happen tweet out Tom Sparks and Tom's burps Um, yeah, if you didn't you didn't make the big announcement though. You're your brain Guys I told you to do that. We're going to do the podcast live in New York What what yeah, yeah March 13th, we will be at the bell house in Brooklyn and then The 14th we'll do stand-up at the knitting factory. So that's two nights in Brooklyn

One is the podcast one is stand-ups with a microphone. So Please come out if you're in the greater Everyone's always asked us to come in New York and we're coming to Brooklyn to do our thing doing it Williamsburg That's with the knitting factors very hip very cool. Hmm. I believe it. I'm excited. I mean, I'm very excited doing the podcast There and and stand-up It's cool, man That is pretty freaking cool. Yeah, dog. So we're excited to make that announcement now. Listen up dirty jeans You know I'm saying, you know

We've been saying that a lot this morning Yeah, is there I'm a feeling there's something in the show you've added to do A lot of you guys you don't know this because you don't live with Tom But I hear him saying it to himself a lot like you'll you'll be just in the kitchen like, you know I'm like just doing it to yourself What can I say I get inspired that's how I know you're in a good place It is a good thing. Yes when you start when you start yelling like a black guy I know that you're happy actually you're in your bliss when you yell like a black dude. Yeah

Yeah, yeah, like I know you really have I ain't going out like that. You do that one a lot in the car Yes, you know, I have different things that inspire me. We all have different forms of inspiration You know what? I'm happy and the same thing. I don't yell black I picked my nose There you go, you definitely that's my happy zone, I think Oh, and then you eat them. I don't eat them. I don't eat every you always say I'm not done till I eat every last bookie Give me my reward That's the most ridiculous part of that clip is what she's doing

It's so tasty. Yeah, this is fresh cinnamon buns. You just baked Come here and taste it Pizza yes, it's pizza All right And nobody likes the taste come on that much where you don't not just you like it that you're gonna go Like when do you eat something that makes you audibly respond a lot lots of things Where you go like that? Well that I feel it in my heart, but I don't always let it out Exactly. So it has to be so so delicious

Where you're gonna make that noise. I mean, I I take a bite of something sometimes when I'm like, mm But where I go You did the other night. What was it? We were eating with maria's husband and I think we're biscuits We were they gave us and we've been on this kakamemi diet now for the last month. So we lost yeah I lost five pounds of dump weight, but yeah, yeah, you did that sound You made it was as good as cum. That's what you were thinking I should have told the server this is better than cum Please start telling your waiters your spouse

Whomever makes you meal that this is even better than cum Oh Where does she make that noise it's so aggressive. It's so aggressive. It's such bullshit I don't believe any of the clips where they're like, oh, um tasty here. It's in here. Sorry, but we got to find it I want to see all the cum on my face Yeah I Want all the cum not just some of it all of it. Yeah, I don't want anyone to go to waste. No, it's such a tasty tree. Thank you

All right, are you ready? We haven't even opened our show yet. Okay. Well, can we finish this discuss? I feel like we have more to say on this topic. All right No show open. No, I meant after the show open. Sorry. Okay. I'm just saying that cum's not tasty You're right. We'll get into that in a moment. Okay So me and my friend were walking on the street And we were having conversation. Do you want to know what the conversation was? I was telling my friend That I had the best orgasm on my freaking life last night

Okay and And somebody walked past me and said Excuse me But you're being inappropriate And you're using too much foul language around me So can you please stop and I turned around and I said, okay

First of all, you know what? You can shut the fuck up and I'm gonna cuss if I want to and I'm gonna raise my voice if I want to And if I want to talk about My amazing orgasm I had last night, I'm gonna talk about it And if I want to talk about what color my poop was last night, I'm gonna talk about it And you cannot tell me that I can't talk about it. Okay This shit is big time Who is Randy?

Don't bring anyone loving to this No mom in the fucking stand Welcome Welcome to your mom's house With Tom Segura And Christina Pazitzic Welcome to your mom's house I

Feel like that guy uh Should be on our show. I feel like he understands our feelings too. Well, I feel like he perfectly Might know what Hmm Why would you insinuate I think he's a white gay dude trapped in a like a black lady's body anything But he's not a black lady. It's not a black lady. He definitely has he's uh, he's he's a latin Gay guy, right?

But he has a sassitude of like so he's a black lady trapped in the other way. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah, you're right I think uh because I've worked with a lot of ladies like this like at the girl scouts and stuff, you know Oh, what's that? I'll tell you I'll talk about poob. I'm gonna talk about poo and they have really long nails and stuff Yeah, but I really agree with him. He could talk about whatever he wants to talk about all the time Yeah, yeah for sure for sure. What do you think Tom tastes like? Um That's a good question. I've really never considered it does it taste like Mmm, you could tell me what it tastes like. No, but I wanted you to guess like what do you think it tastes like?

Have you tasted it like has it has it ever? I'm sure it's happened accidentally where a guy's like, you know Jerking it and then he's all oh and then it goes in his mouth. That happened a lot Of course it's happened. I've never had to go in my mouth. I've hit myself in the face. So a few times Because you're laying on your back and you're like, oh, yeah like Bert Kreiser And then you go oh and then yeah, you hit yourself in the face, but of course it's gone in people's mouths. I imagine it tastes like I imagine it tastes like um

Something really delicious like uh, it's vanilla pudding or Like a gravy that your mom your grandma slaved over all day for for turkey So you think it's so it's either like sweet or savory. Yeah, but either delicious I know it's delicious because I've seen videos where they think it's delicious I think that's the problem is that it's marketed as something delicious because of of today's porno Industry, is it not are you going to argue that it's not delicious? I'm saying it's false advertising It's not really as delicious as that girl makes it out to be at least in my Opinion. I mean yours obviously

Had tastes a little Spanish. It tastes like there's tapatio in there juice good juice juice Me like but but lady stuff is it does it taste I can't it doesn't taste as strong. I don't think right? No, no, I mean lady stuff tastes like uh, just motor oil Like thick greasy. Yeah, it didn't greasy It's good. It's good. Whatever it is. It's good

I like it. Okay How many you've had a lot of different so many different spices and flavors in your mouth um Different I just I wonder if do you think there are lots of people that genuinely are like I love this taste Yes, I need to drink a cup of it a day I think no, maybe I'm not not that but uh, love love love the taste. I think there's probably a decent number of people out there who feel that way. They love it Okay, if you're somebody who loves the taste of man mustard right into us

Send us an email Send us an email at your mom's podcast at gmail.com That is who are you? Let us know about your life. I want to your mom's podcast at gmail Tell us about that tasty cup and it's a chance to win the prize But right now like right now, you know how you can conceive of it it exists Right now, there's somebody like in iceland or somewhere who's like, oh, I gotta have a pint of cum a day I need to have my pint. It tastes so good. I want I eat danishes and then I wash it down with cum It's pretty good

Mmm Okay, do the scoop and score that's my favorite do uh So gross do you have um, I hate that move. It's so different guys taste differently. Yeah. Yeah It's a pretty standard baseline What that stuff tastes like there's a baseline taste and then some people so it's delicious and then it's how delicious This is what you're saying. It's deliciously magic wonderful tasty and then who's sweeter who's tastier Um, and then it's like levels of pungent and levels of like

Just disgusting in my opinion people's um sexual Kinks are covers such a wide spectrum and there's so many things that to To the person that doesn't have it you go like, huh? That's like, you know, they're just different Yeah, that either has to be that has to be so many people have probably experienced Loads in their mouth at an early age and that became their You know their proclivity. Yes. Well, I was just thinking I wonder what james brown com tastes like because he's right behind you

All right. Yeah, I could tell you Chocolatey. It's delicious I was wondering too. Do you think that I could identify your cum? Like if they gave me I want to talk a little bit about the white tigers practices I practice as a white tigers for about a year in the oral sex tradition There's a lot of things like for example We have a technique where you're really sucking deeply the penis and You're almost like gagging on it and when I first heard about this technique and then saw it

I was like saw it. Oh my goodness and it was it was this Like the instant thing that came up in me was that it's degrading to women or the technique where you're holding the back of the head And the man is holding her head and circling his hips and Grinding his penis into her mouth how enjoyable it is to have his penis inside of your mouth deep in your throat How enjoyable it is especially around the the one of the practices is to actually have semen on your face And you're meditating and you're drawing in you're visualizing white light and you're drawing in the essence through his semen We know that this is also beneficial semen has lots of wonderful proteins and minerals and things in it that are great for your skin so by

Meditating on it drawing it in massaging it under your skin and just letting it dry on your skin It's a skin titanerm. I mean all kinds of really great stuff to it. Yeah, and That practice I have found to be very beneficial to me Also makes your hairs stick to your body, which is nice We've had we haven't had the white tiger sun in a while. No, I would like an oldie, but goodie, but I was Do you think I could identify you just on the taste of your semen Like if we got a bunch of different guys in here and then blindfolded me and then everybody came and like a separate Hello, and then I was like

Do I think that's not it? I'm too salty. You just pitched a great segment. Let's do it. We don't have to do we think Let's just go get 15 random guys We see walking around and have them come in here and drop their load in a cup That's a great idea. Then you sample each one you go to this one's pump That's a really smart idea. Tommy. Yep. What was your idea? I'm just you know, you just didn't But I didn't I didn't put the connection together like oh this you can do it and I wonder if when You're doing it like you're You're drinking all that that semen you're gonna go like

And no Which is which So Um that guy Unlike many people might believe the guy that we play in the opening clip is not gay What? No, he's a pretty gay scared person ever. Um Here he is. Here's more of him. He really

Okay, so I had to clear something up really quick. So That's a male human. First of all, it sounds like it's really important Like is he gonna clear up what's going on in Syria for us? Yes. This is this is it. He's a reporter I'm just kidding. Okay. Um, I'm gonna do a little update on The sir. Okay. I'm like what's happening with me getting sued and let me clear a couple things up So All of you guys think I'm a whore Um and a slut. I got a bunch of comments on my other video about me going to jail

Um, you guys think I'm a slut and I'm a whore and you're right. I'm a slut and I am a whore Yeah Okay Just clearing that up Unlike my herpes. I'm gonna clear that up. So yeah, so that's that but the point is um, Okay, so let me do a little update for you guys. So is this a performance when someone talks like this? Yeah, real. Yeah, does anyone really speak like this? It's a deliberate affectation. Yeah I think it's you know, it's like he can tone this down

Yeah, well that is kind of the thing and you know gay culture I remember when I lived in san francisco and I was asking people about that like why why is it that when you become Like you accept yourself as a fully gay man. You have to talk like that and do the badge and it's cultural It's like it's like why you know black dudes talk like black dudes and gay dudes. It's the tribe. They belong to Yeah, it's a tribal identifier. Yeah, it is really isn't it. Yeah So, yeah, it's the way as californians say bro and dude and yeah It's just a tribe because it just seems like it seems like heightened Yes, and he's also very young and I think so this is like his way of being like i'm totally gay and i'm okay with it

Right, he marks it. Yeah, i'm gonna jail anymore. I know i'm so upset. I wanted to go to jail. They can't go to jail anymore. Fuck I wouldn't want the judge to see that I know I really wanted to wear the tulle jumpsuits and get raped and prison But now I can't do that. I'm so pissed so now i'm gonna have to get I want to get raped. I don't know about that rapes in the street like everybody else. I'm so pissed Okay, whatever so Alex said that my dad wanted an apology from me and then he'll drop the charges

So I said, okay, fine. I'll apologize like I'll ever apologize or whatever So I would do his house and his dad's like closeted homosexual I'm kind of like me and closeted But like I don't really tell the people that i'm gay because i'm I don't really consider myself gay I consider myself a faggot but whatever anyway, I He just took it up. Yeah, he took it to a whole other level. You're right identifies. That's fine. You know, he's he's a young kid Yeah, he's gotta yeah, he's gotta prove it

Anyway, a fat faggot apparently So all you hate is out there in the comments of a fat faggot like I don't really fucking know that like whatever girl anyway So his dad and we're talking about like okay about like dropping the charges and say can you can you can you drop the charges? And he dropped his pants and i'm like He sounds a lot like your sister doesn't even it doesn't like it's it's so oh my god, you know what I would want Oh my god, seriously a conversation between maria and this guy wouldn't that be the most amazing thing you've ever heard That's pretty fantastic about starbucks and cum and everything. Oh

God Yeah, do you think maria how does maria feel about cum? I bet you she has an opinion And I got you gotta get out of here. They're so disgusting and then But you know, whatever I think she I think she's whatever is it whatever? I mean, it's like whatever you have to do it because I can make sure Guys want to they want to spread all over your fucking face. Oh my oh Oh my god, I'm not gonna suck your dick and then I did um

And then I told him I'm not gonna swallow his cum and I did We didn't even know this was on here. No, I didn't hear that far. Yeah, that is really relevant to this discussion What is relevant to this discussion? So I fuck his dad and I know rams a bitch whatever. I don't really care But let me not sit together now Random right like when I like fucked his car up like that brought us together Like all the dishonesty and the banlism brought us together like two dysfunctional hearts Conjoining into one big heart, you know, you know, like a fat ass that has a huge heart that needs to like pump it like mine

So anyway By the way, he's that he's that he's that this guy's wearing me out. I don't know what's going on Do you think the the drugs are involved? Yes, drug us are definitely involved. Yes. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, I'll tell you what happened to me yesterday. I uh, I went to the ear nose and throat doctor And I was like give me all the calm For some reason when I said your nose and throat I was like, oh sounds very calming your mind out of the gutter Yeah, so I went to the uh doctor because my my ear's been stuffy my right ear

And she prescribed pseudo fedrin And it was great because she was like, um, so this is the active component in crystal meth And I was like, oh, yeah, I know I just finished watching Breaking Bad. I know all about the cook So I took it yesterday God damn dude, I was I wasn't a panic like I don't know why people enjoy Uppers like I've always been strictly a downers. You did have a the conversation that you were fired up about you had it with me For like an hour and you kept repeating the same shit. Yeah, I was panicked. Yeah, because what it was I I know And you're like, yeah, I mean like that's fucking good, right? And I was like, yeah

And then you kept saying it. I was like, I was I was out of my mind. Yeah, I can't take it I don't care if my ear is stuffy forever. I can't take that stuff every day. Anyways What was the point of my story? I don't remember. I'm so tired because I got so spun out yesterday Yeah, that I'm like like I crashed Oh, yeah, because yesterday I had a like a traumatic conversation for me. It was traumatic a little bit So it just made it spiral even more Being high on that fucking speed pill. Yeah, that's just evil, dude I don't know why people like crystal meth tries you out too. I like oh, I was thirsty all day

I couldn't eat I was it was like, uh, there was no filter between my brain and my mouth Which there already isn't but it was even worse I was like panicked and sweaty and stuff. Then that our old, um Driver Henry, that's what he used to take, right? It was meth. No, he liked crack. Oh He did it all but crack was his favorite weed was his, um Weed was what he did like just to get through the day Sure. So he was like, uh, you know smoke weed all day every day, which I understand. Yeah, that's like minimal But uh, crack was what he

That's what he treated himself to every once in a while You know, I never liked uppers. I just I can't I couldn't could you imagine Smoking rocks and remember what he said he was like Oh, yeah, was it did he tell it to me? Yeah. Yeah, he's like, oh, yeah And then I like to look through the people now. He told me that. Oh, he told you that. Yeah, of course Why don't I think he told me because you've heard me say it in my act Oh, yeah, okay So he looks for the people and he likes to freak out. That was what he said to me when I go. What's it like?

He's like, I look out at that people And you watch the people walk around and he goes and you just freak the fuck out about what's gonna happen next And that was that was his like how cool is that moment was like pretty cool, huh? I was like But he also said he's like, I mean, I love everything. He goes. I love coke. I love heroin Like used to do heroin. He goes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He's like, you know, that's he's like, he's just a different ride What kind of ride do you feel like being on? He said crack is like the whoo Fucking the good time

It sounds like a lot of fun. Yeah, and he has don't forget. He's got all white hair. Yeah, um, then he told me We lived in the El Salvadorian neighborhood This is after this is This happened. He was yes or no sir to me until I told him I was a comedian Like as soon as I told him I was a comedian, he was like, you're a comedian And then he was like, you want to smoke a bowl? Like that was yeah, that breaks down every social barrier. And then he goes, um What was the other thing he goes Oh

I like this neighborhood and I was like, you like this neighborhood. He's like, well, I like these little brown ones walking around And I was like, what? He's all these little brown ones. I look at her right there Girls that were like 16 17. He was like, mm. Mm. I love those brown girls He was an old white guy dirty old guy. Yeah, well, he used to when he drove me through our neighborhood to the airport Those little brown ones. He'd be like, I used to buy over there. I used to buy over there. That's right. And he would walk us Through our neighborhood and give us a tour of where to buy drugs in our own neighborhood So that was a nice little bonus. Yeah an extra like tidbits, you know normally you have to pay more for shit like that

Normally you have to take the crack tour, but when you hired Henry, he would just let you know Yep I can't imagine anything like remember when you were in college or high school and you took drugs and about at least for me It was the excitement of taking drugs and then the minute they hit my system I would immediately go why the fuck did I just take drugs? Of course because now i'm stressed out like i'm it freaks you out Like I remember coming down off of acid and just that strict nine and just it lasts for hours and you feel like shit And that panic

Remember you're the guy the comic that did crack that we had? Yes, we've both done weekends with him. Yeah, he's great and Louisville. Yeah. He's so funny straight. Yeah What does that mean? I don't know but I know you get crack after you say that The cracker later. Yeah. Yeah, um There was a guy these I did an interview with him somewhere back in our vaults you guys This is back at the old house. I remember we this week after went to Louisville Uh, that guy was awesome. You remember this crazy your mom's house fan? What's up? My mom's house

He's a huge fan of our show. I didn't realize my mom's house. He's just trying to say that he's a fan Where are you going? What's up? My mom's house Mom's house My mom's house My mom's he forgot to say your he's saying my mom's He can't look he can't remember stuff all my mom's house You know say it. What's up? I'm mom's house

Oh You big fan Is there like a speech impediment added on to that? Do you think I don't know if it's straight alcohol because he kind of had that work How fucked up is he to talk like that though? You got to do a lot more than just Alcohol, right? You think so? Yeah, you think this is like three or four beers in? How much is it? How much are you in to talk like that? Just one and a half wine coolers some Bartels and James

Mama Uh Okay, have you got any ID? Okay, you got any? Okay, good good. Have you got a license? Maybe an identification card? Whose vans is yours? Okay Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage I

Only plus is the best service and the support the sponsors What's the Cosby show? Okay I like pop of my party from the peanut Snoopy and the gank my mom's house Peanut riddle Uh, it's just a diehard fan. That's what I love about this guy. I can't I can't stay Yeah, fill out up and still have shot

Uh We're gonna play that at the ice house. Yeah, we haven't done that game in a minute Filler up sealer shut. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Did we do that with Jules? No, I think we wanted to do that and we got we got oh, we did a would you rather with her Christmas morning? Yeah, the old school one which surprised me her answer really surprised me We're always trying to expand our you know, I'm saying you know, I'm saying on the show Um, you know, I'm saying Yeah, so

We get different versions of you know, I'm saying From you guys And you guys have sent in a lot. I mean, there's so many good ones. I mean didn't get away, you know, I'm saying they made a so In keeping with the tradition god, we add a new chapter of you know, I'm saying Like I say, it's like this, you know, I'm saying I'm a man About ashamed to say what I do. You know, I'm saying, yeah, okay. Yeah, I gun Don't say I'm not gonna lie. Yeah, I gun

Gunning is um Uh in this place. It's a prison term for masturbating Oh, what why is he embarrassed about that? I thought that they just do that out in the open They get in trouble at this prison. This prison has a zero Gunning tolerance policy. So it's a bummer if you go and gun You know I'm saying You are gonna get in trouble. What's the point of being in prison if you can't gun? That's what I'm saying

Wake up that morning that Urge you feeling that urge, you know what I'm saying? You see you see the females. You know what I'm saying? You masturbate You get off. You know what I'm saying? That's your choice of sex to me. That's safe sex. I'm being straight up I have nothing to hide I like his honesty. I always appreciate that. Yeah I I get but is it taboo? Uh, he makes it sound like it's something else. It's I didn't think Well, I think in this particular prison, like I said, this is a more

Um A more zero tolerance a christian. It's a christian prison. This is like a put your dick between your legs We're not taking that shit here Um, they don't like it. They punish The uh, the people that that go ahead and do that which I feel like you're right I mean you're already in prison. Yeah, there's very few Um joys at that point in your life Yeah, why why not let them gun all day? Who cares? Yeah, who do you care? I give him the grease

and uh I tell him to put some on his finger Jesus christ Sticking in his ass and grin, you know, I'm saying kind of like fuck yourself So loosen yourself up Because I know he had never been penetrated before. It was his first time Oh god, um Sounds like hell on earth. Yeah, this prison. What would you rather do? Okay

Uh live in the prison with that guy You're in prison and you're with the guy who's like lube up your own ass with your finger Okay, or you got to do the henry regimen where you smoke crack all day every day and just look through that people panicked Wow, those are your life options. Jesus. That's so bad. You got to do it for like a month That's so bad and so brutal that I almost feel like saying Um between the two and So your cellmate makes you lube yourself up before he rapes you that's option number one

For a month right you're in prison for a month and you can fight off the rape you but you you're taking your chances, right? You might get killed you can try to fight him off But does he sound like somebody who takes no for an answer? He seems reasonable Um, is he logical and then option number two is smoke crack All day every day That's your life and all you do is look through that people panicked waiting for whatever to happen Mass delusional you really have found two of my least favorite things Like this is a good one being raped, right? And I don't like having anxiety like I struggled with it

Yesterday that was my I basically henried out yesterday on just two little pills of suedeffrin, whatever it's called Sudafedrin, whatever the fuck. Yeah, I lost my shit yesterday So Well, see the I'm what I'm thinking of take is uh the chance taking the chance of fighting this guy What does he look like have you seen him? Yeah, I've seen him He's smaller than me, but he's also been in prison raping guys for a long time So I imagine he's got some skills Really?

Yeah, and in this scenario that's the longer it plays out his buddy joins them. So it's actually two on one I like it but you're a big guy. Yeah, you're an intimidating fella I don't think they're gonna go for me, but if they did it's like, what am I doing? No, he's going for you. That's part of the plan That's part of the fun of that's what I'm saying. Can I handle this guy? Right or is do I do I feel like just freaking out on crack for a month a month alone too? You don't have friends like it's just you and the rocks and your people Starting water or anything like that just to stay alive. Yeah, you can drink water and you can eat when you come down

If you come down if you come down, but you have to finish those rocks every day I got a certain amount of rock like a pile of rocks that you have to smoke every day How many rocks you have to smoke every day? Well, I think one rock lasts about five minutes So I got to plan out. Okay. You got like a 10 hour work day. Okay of crack of crack So I'm gonna give you 10 hours worth of crack cocaine. That's a lot You got to smoke all those rocks, but you can sleep at night. You get your nights off There's no recovering from this month. You know that right? There's no like going back to normal after this month When you come out of this month, you're gonna be you're gonna smoke

Well, I would smoke like 60 rocks a day for like a month You're gonna be like my mom's house with the end of this my mama and then stamps You're gonna be that guy by the end of the month Um, wow, these are horrible. You take your chances on butt rape. You may not get raped. The likelihood is high. Yes It's it's possible. It's even probable that you will get raped, but you might not Yeah, how long and I'm a month in prison with this guy You're a cellmate with that guy for a month. Mm-hmm And every day he's gonna be like reach it up

And I'm gonna take my chances Yeah, you're gonna have to fight him you're gonna have to find a way to to not get raped I'm gonna go for the fighting every day. Okay over the crack I'm gonna take my chances. I feel like I I feel like I can I'm at least going to do enough damage to him Like he might win right, but he's not gonna have it's it's not gonna be I'm not gonna resign to like right me now Right, you're gonna fight every day. Right. You're not gonna sleep for a month. You're gonna be extremely tired And anxious anyways, I'm gonna go for it. I'm gonna see I've been taking my kickboxing class

And um, I know I have a um Unsavory butthole so maybe he won't like the way it looks And smells it's definitely not a once he sees the dumps you're capable of yeah, I have a feeling you won't get raped I don't know this guy. Like I said, he seems like he's not the coolest guy to talk to and hang out with That's an old penitentiary trick that I learned from some old convicts If he screamed rape, you know, I'm saying he had grease on his fingernail So he greased his own self up, you know, I'm saying I'm just gonna basically lie and tell him I've been fucking He's been my boy. Hey, are they gonna buy it? You know what I'm saying?

This is definitely a different prison than the one where you get in trouble for jerking office If he's like, that's my boy. I've been fucking them and they're like, all right. Yeah, sure Well, that makes sense. You're that's your boy and you've been fucking him. So we're gonna let you keep doing that You can do that. But in the no-jerket prison here That's accumulated more than 20 disciplinary reports for obscene or profane acts We take the charge Dobs in a profane act charge very seriously, you know, it's kind of sometimes Hope you get what in there

We keep a database of our gunners And um, we actually use door magnets. So anytime a female enters the wing, a magnet is placed over their door They cannot see out of the cell. You cannot see in the cell I mean, they can't gun what they can't see While bell has been a problem inside prison It was a three-day reign of terror that brought him here He was convicted of 21 separate charges. Oh, so he's kind of not the best guy though What do you mean? All the guys in prison are honest and

Innocent You know, I'm sorry, I think I would have to take A month of of crack because I would I would be somebody's rag doll. You know what I mean? I'm not you know, I'm saying I'm not really No, but I think in the scenario you're you're you are getting you're not getting this guy. You're getting an equivalent Oh, look, I mean, will he be my size? I put a guy is gonna always no, it's not I'm saying it's an equivalent female Oh, okay. Oh, shit some bitch. Yeah, sure. Oh, it's a fucking woman. I'll take that bitch down to china town. Yeah, I'll fight her I'll fucking fire all day. Yo, I mean, I'm basing it on the video. I've seen of this guy

Okay, how much does she weigh? I don't know. Let's say she's like She's a few inches shorter than you and like she weighs 20 30 pounds less than you. All right, I'll take that but she's rough She's a rough bitch like Well, she's been raping people for a long time God Well, if she does here's the thing if she does Beat you down

She straps one on and she has another one in her hand and she double penetrates you. Oh, man Yeah, but you know what? I would do it and I'm like, I'm proud of myself. Yeah You have two and you you have three and you and you would you would be proud of myself Uh, honestly I don't know. Okay. I think I would fight for my life in jail because I do think a month of rocks Would be there's no there's no recovering. That's irreparable brain damage. Yeah, I think you're not coming back from that Plus, I think you'd cultivate a pretty neat Addiction after a month of it. You're so hooked

There's no coming out of that. No, and honestly There's there's jewels and the um psychosis that you would develop being alone and then tweaking hard Life is over. Yeah You could have a month of like, you know what I was uh, I was locked up for a month I fought someone every day for the month I got raped three times, but like there was like 27 times where I beat the shit out of a guy That's a pretty good story Right and then you go see your therapist and you forget about it in time you heal but the I think a crack psychosis

like remember, um Breaking bad when jesse like would get into his meth phases. Yeah, and he would look out the window and be like Like that's what you turn into here's the truth if you If you go ahead and you take if you take your uh You take the the crack one for a day, then here is your uh, this would be your new album coming out, okay What's up? I'm mom now I can't hear you. I'm mom

That's christina's new comedy album I got a thing. Okay. Have you got any ID? I'm mom. Yeah I That's a very good album. How did you prepare for this? I smoke rocks I'm not straight and I panicked every day Rocks day

bop bop I panic all day every day. I'm right and run You would have a heart attack. I wouldn't have a heart attack course you'd have a heart attack Of course you would and I don't think there's anything worse than smoking rocks all day every day. Oh my god, dude All day every day people changes and people do it They sure do They sure do right now. There's but they're not like stock brokers and stuff, you know, like when you smoke rocks That's all you do. Yeah, you get fucked up man. You don't really he drinks

if he does marijuana Yeah Because there's a few drugs that you can kind of live your life on you could live your life On heroin. I mean look at already laying was a heroin addict and he did the stern show It's not a great life, but you can live on it and kind of carry it a job. Yeah. Yeah meth There's some tweakers that can kind of yeah, you can survive on meth for a while and have semblance of a life

But rocks. I don't know anybody. I don't know anybody that's been like, yeah, I smoked rocks But I had a day job and I kind of held it together Well, you can hold it together until you start craving more rocks like there are people that keep it like Keep it on the you know, like it's a it's just a just a weekend thing. No, there are but Mostly what happens is that you start to crave it more. That's why your life goes to shit It starts off usually where you can you could party with it and like fucking just get high whenever you want to on your rocks But then You're gonna crave it more and that's when shit's gonna go down. Yeah

I don't want to get there. You can though. Why are you why are you giving up before you get there? I mean, I just want to smoke crack on the weekends. What's wrong with that? That's the thing I just want to I want a glass of wine and then I smoke 72 rocks Yeah, that's enough to get people Bonkers, I mean, that's what we see in the in the clubs every week at the comedy club Like that's mostly people. It's weed and alcohol and that fucks people up. I can't imagine. Have you seen this? fucking

Nancy grace losing her mind fucking she's such a dumb fucking idiot, bro. Oh, she's out of her mind now her thing is is like that pot is horrible for you and Somebody put together her talking to herself Where she's totally Contradicting herself about it. Cool. She's such an I think she's the worst the absolute worst person You know what? I think she's I don't know if she's a bad person I know that she's an annoying entertainer the way Glenn Beck is where you're like, all right. I know what you're doing

Well, she's a liar. That's why she's you're you're just being a shit mixer. You're just doing this for ratings She doesn't really I don't I don't think she believes half of what she why do you think she doesn't believe what she says She's an intelligent Attorney. She's a smart person who knows what she's doing the way Ann Coulter does The way Rush Lombau does they they're aware of what they're saying and doing So she went on this tear recently for for pot and then she's talking about how she's like pot is so bad Uh, she's like the first case that tried was somebody slayed their whole family. Guy was on pot Oh, that's a great. She tweeted yesterday. I'm angry. I don't know what this but the story

You know, she's always angry about some story. She's always a righteous indignation over something that has nothing to do with her Um, I'm angry about what the father allegedly did but I also feel bad for him. Is he hooked on pot? She writes that And then is he hooked on pot and then she uh, okay grandma she hashtags at young and restless Then she writes Both the 13 year old and daddy smell of booze with pot in the trunk. This is a recipe for tragedy And then I retweeted what I think is the funniest tweet I've ever read

Which is I read her tweet and you know, you can see what people tweet to her Somebody wrote to her at nancy grace. Maybe it was the booze. You fat pig I don't think I've laughed that hard You fat People tweet her so much hatred. It's hysteria. You don't have to do it. You can just read it. It's fucking hysterical This is this dumb fucking broad Talking back and forth Um, you know, she's a hysteria. Yeah shit mixer. That's all her job is to create

Ever more hysteria to the american public like we need more of this fucking fear and anxiety in our culture Well, this is great. This is some this is somebody editing together her talking to her the judge allows in evidence that Trayvon martin did have marijuana in his system at the time he died What difference if any does that make because I've seen too many felonies And I don't mean pot sales or growing pot like this guy Up in Connecticut to me it means that he is less likely to pick a fight with someone

I mean people on pot shoot each other. Isn't it true that when you smoke pot, you just want to lay on the sofa and eat People on pot kill families wipe out a whole family the common Uh, connotation pot goes with Lethargy with uh, the munchies with wanting to eat with being laid back Not with chasing somebody down jumping out from behind bushes beating them in the head till until they're pulpy And and and basically starting mortal combat. That's not what you typically equate with smoking adobe I've got to be drinking booze or I've got to be smoking or I've got to be high on pot She's an asshole some tell me she's a big fucking ass, you know what I bet

I bet Nancy grace is familiar with smoking adobe. I think she's a bad person I think she smokes a lot of weed. I think she eats a lot of ho ho's. I think she eats her feelings Uh, I don't see how you respect yourself if your whole thing is just to like Take the inflammatory position on and just spout out that shit. You know what it is. It's it's uh, she's like scaring house wipes That's her job. Yeah, she's a fear. She's a fear person. She reflects the hysteria That exists in our culture. She's just an add an accurate reflection of all the bullshit. She's an asshole Yeah, she is an asshole. She's the she's the ambulance chasing

You know, I mean like the sensational but you have no dignity. You have none not in show business This is she has no no dignity. She has no respect for what what she's saying if you don't respect what you're saying Come on, you're a fucking fall of it and um to just To say that like she's seeing people murder whole families on pot like come on You're such a fucking liar such a fucking liar That's true. Nancy Nancy's a bullshit. Yeah, she is a bullshit It's it's only because what she's saying is like like sensational. Yeah, she doesn't even believe anything. There's no way

No, there's so so but anyway, the point is he proposed to me I they pawn the ring, but that doesn't make me a shallow person does it? does doesn't it yeah does Good people guys Good morals all we do on this show is highlight good people Anyway, it's I pawn the ring and I got me. Oh, she's kind of sweet Every time I get a fucked I feel you guys are getting fucked with me Oh my god

I love you guys I'm really fucking psycho. I swear. Okay. Oh, he knows he's so that's that story So i'm not going to jail anymore the dad right the dad Her her dad his dad dropped the charges. He's getting a divorce. We're gonna get married His dad his name is carlos. Um, yeah, he's spent he's happy. Yeah, his mom's white And jail I'm exhausted too from this guy Yeah, oh god, you know, I think uh

It's like it's like that denis robin thing where any any attention is attention for this poor kid Yeah, you know, even the negative stuff. Well, that's the nancy graces in the world Well, how about um before we leave you we uh do something positive positive affirmation Fun your beard is full your eyes are blue your farts are smelly Your burps are loud your burps are uh, you wipe up, but you also wipe down You flush a lot my mom's house Your dog is the cutest Yeah

Oh god, do you hear Theo? he's repping I live my life like there's no tomorrow And all I've got I had to steal This is david david ly roth just vocals only It just sounds still he's a good singer. Yeah running with the devil ridiculous when you don't Leash, I don't need Choppa go by row

Yes, I'm living at a pasted kids sounds so weird silly Whoa I found the simple life ain't so simple When I jumped out on that road I got no love no love you'd call real

Ain't got nobody So interesting that when you when you hear vocals only you really get to hear what someone's for because the music really can hide a lot of flaws And back in the day, which is when david ly roth is from You had to have talent. Yeah, you couldn't katie perry your way through a song like this guy's got pipes on it Yeah, you can see it That's so ridiculous Maybe we spoke too soon Oh

There's a lot of extra sound effects though in his like in that music there's a lot of wooing Yeah Like there's a lot of grunting I guess All right, I guess that's how you make a song right? You have to layer in all the sounds and your your hoops and your whoops and your Whoops and you're whooping and you're pooping and you're booping He can't you can't scream though. It's good. He can scream. Yeah. Yes See I just did it. What do you think? Yeah, you're right. You did it

Run it with the devil We got to go man. All right, I gotta go. I gotta I got a mom dish. I got some meeting to go to I got I gotta go. Yeah. Yeah, we love you guys. Thanks for listening. Bye jeans. Bye jeans Oh Yeah Is not bad not bad at all not bad at all