Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 192-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: January 29, 2014

It's not bad to consider that if you're not good at something then you should quit! And if you don't quit then hopefully Eric Kelly will appear at the thing you're not good at and make fun of you. On camera. Shout out to all the little mommies that are down for the git down! We give you a proper salute. The live show was the Jimmy Jam and you the man, man. Sometimes when people who love each other eat together, they also end up blowing burp wind on each other (or just one way). The C-word is a fun word. Stop being so sensitive, you stupid C-word. We wear are JEANS so high for YOU!!!

If it's one thing I can't stand it's noise. I can't stand noise. Remember that? I can't stand noise. It's an old cartoon. Yeah. Alright. I liked Forkarn Leghorn was like just a metaphor for an old racist southern white guy, right? Yeah. I'll say it. He's everybody's grandpappy.

Not mine. Grandpappy. Well, I said these blacks. Yeah, right? That's what Forkarn Leghorn should have been talking about. That's what he definitely should have been talking about. All these fucking blacks. I'll say it. The blacks are ruined and everything. I'll say it. What do you got? Yo, dog. Check it out. Check it out, dog.

Dog. I'm saying. Dog. I'm saying. I will be at Helium in Portland, Oregon, February 6th, February 6th through the 8th. I'm very excited to go to Portland. I hope you guys come out and see your filthy dirty jeans. Then February 13th through 16th. I'm at the Chicago Improv in Schaumburg with my main mommy, Christine E.P. Was that an admission?

Maybe. No. Of course not. But I love you and I will be celebrating Valentine's Day there. What are we going to do for Valentine's? It's a very rare time when we're together on the road. We don't get to do that very often to do stand-up together. But have you taken the effort to buy me very expensive gifts to show your love?

I have spent everything I've saved over the years for this one day. I want you to take out your savings to buy me stuff. I absolutely will. Then my dirtiest little jeans. I'm going to Tacoma, the Tacoma Comedy Club. Right before that actually, I just added, just added, hot off the press. I'm going to Raleigh, North Carolina, Charlie Goodnights. I've been trying to go to North Cacolaca for a while now.

So I'm coming. They don't like it when you call it that. I went to school in Cacolaca. I know exactly what to call it. Nobody calls it that. Nobody likes that. Raleigh, Raleigh, you better fucking come out and support the God. Geez.

And I also added San Antonio. Well, that bad attitude. Of course, you guys, I assume, are very ready and aroused for the mommies to come to Brooklyn, New York. We announced that March 13th and 14th. We're doing the podcast live and we're doing a stand-up show in Brooklyn. One night at the Bell House, one night at the Knitting Factory. Did you realize how amazing that is? Brooklyn.

Brooklyn. Williamsburg. We're coming. Guys, this is crazy. Please come to both nights if you can because it's going to be a fantastic show. Just do it. Just come to your mommies. When do we ever come to New York?

Like never. True. Is that it? I mean, I figured I went into March. That was pretty far. All right. So this week, guess what? We're at Columbus, too.

We should tell them that's set up. Oh, shit. But Columbus will be up soon. Biscuits. That'll be up. Columbus, Ohio. The Woodlands Tavern on the 15th. It's going to be at, it's going to be the live podcast.

That's exciting. Yeah. Any hoodles. Back to my story. God. January 29th through February 1st. That is right now. I'm flying to Kansas City at the Kansas City Improv, you guys.

Then with my husband in Chicago the following week. And then February 20th through 23rd. I'm in Orlando at the Orlando Improves. And then February 27th through March 2nd. San Jose Improv as well. And Saturday shows. I will be taping like videotaping. So come out and help me if you want to support your mommy.

Come those nights that night. Sorry, Saturday. And then at Christina P. At Tom Segura. Always follow us. Please, please. I think that's all. That's all the announcements.

That's all. Hey guys, thank you for watching on Lafster. It was a huge success. We had so many people watching from all over the world. And we couldn't be happier. And thank you to everybody who came out to the ice house. It was a stunning, stunning, so much fun. And so we're going to be releasing that soon as a bonus episode.

And it is my opinion, probably one of the most fun live shows we've done. I had so much fun in that room. The energy was so good. By the way, a little statistic. We had over 10 times the amount of people joined us on Lafster this time over last time. And over 10 times. Of course, yeah. So we really appreciate that.

We had not as many as 10 times at our show at Flappers. But I want to tell you this. Everybody that came to that show who was like, where is everybody? We love you for coming to that show. You saw a ridiculous lineup. You saw Matt Bronger, Ian Bag, Ryan Sickler, Christina and myself on one show on a Thursday in Burbank. Yeah. And there was a guy sitting in the front row with wonky eyes that Ian Bag kept pointing out.

Hysterical. It was like the funnest thing ever. And then I assumed because it was a small audience that everybody there was a listener. And then that 15 year old kid, I was like, so you love the show? Like what show? Our podcast, he was like, I don't know what you're talking about. And I was like, great. Okay.

So you've, all right. Perfect. It was a 15 year old with his love. Like how lame are you? Going to a stand-up club with your mom at 15. Hello. You should be out, you know, banging hoes and doing blow at that age. You should be out fucking murdering the puss, right, Tom?

Murder, murder. What a nerd alert. Nerd alert. Nerds. Nerds. Check it out, God. Check it out, dog. Check it out, yo.

Let's start the show. Okay. Boop. Boop. Well, this is Brace and I've been cooking puss. I guess if that's the word for since like the mid 70s, as soon as I could start cooking, because back then it was like the good feeling before you could actually cook. So now that I became an expert at cooking, it's been going on for so long, I can't even remember because it's a fucking blur.

This shit is big time. Who is Ram? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't murder the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Sutsu.

Christina Pajitz. Christina Pajitz. Welcome to your mom's house. Is that just in our ears or is that... I don't know. You know, I always like watching you play the drums to that song. You look like you're really a professional. You look like that guy in Death Leopard who only has one arm, but he plays like he has two.

That's true. He has one fucking arm. How do you get to be a one-arm drummer? It's a pretty miraculous thing. You have to sign up for it. You got to go to one-arm class. It's a big deal. Look.

It's bold. How about you participated in our SuperMummy bonus reach-out program? Participated. Through LASTER. Smartness-ticipicated. So the people that did the extra-jeansy... Extra-jeansy, please. You're going to get your shout-out on another episode because you're also getting the poster

and you will get Christina's new album, which is coming out pretty soon. Man of the Year, almost ready. Man of the Year is almost ready. You will get an autographed signed version of that. You're going to get my love on there. I'm going to kiss every single one with my affection. So your shout-out comes a little later. I just did the shout-out and we really appreciate you doing this.

You're going to get your shout-out right fucking now. People are changes. Here we go. This reminds me of Romper Room when she would look through her magic wand at the end of the episode and go, I see Kara and Tommy and Billy and Rick and Steve and she never said Christina. Oh. That dumb bitch never said Christina. That bitch, man.

Fuck her. Fuck you. Yeah. That's what I felt like saying. So shout-out number one. Go ahead. Goes to Matthew. Hey.

Mick Trickerton-Edgley. Hi. Hi, Matthew. Thank you. You're like a son to me, man. Very, very in love with you, Matthew. I think the Squirrel Girl showed you her love and asked this to happen for you. That's what I'm deciphering from this document I was sent.

Squirrel Girl. The Squirrel Girl loves Matthew Mick Trickerton-Edgley. You're like a son to me, man. That's what I see. That's sweet. That's what she says to him. That's what she says. Then there's a big shout-out for Mr. Dan Cotrone.

Oh, ass nigga. Very, very proud of you, Dan. Thank you. Shout-out to Dan Cotrone. We love you, and we appreciate your support. I appreciate that. I appreciate that, man. That's how Jay-Z says appreciate.

I appreciate that. I appreciate that, man. When he goes age to the Izzo and that song. Yeah. You could have been anywhere in the world, but you're here with me. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. That's right.

That is exactly what he says. Next is Valerie Malouf. Shout-out to Valerie Malouf. What's up, Valerie? We love you, Valerie. Okay, Valerie. You get your shout-out, girl. You got your shout-out, girl.

I'll see what you're doing, Valerie Malouf. Another shout-out is going to the great John Clender. It's your last rendezvous. What's up, John? It's your final appearance, John. It's your last rendezvous. John Clender. The rest of you, holy shit.

Johnny. A lot of you signed up for the other jeans-y version of this. That's exciting. There are many more shout-outs to come, but we're going to split those up so that this is not just a fucking drive-time pop show. I want to give a shout-out to my boy, T-Ray. I love doing that stuff. Shout-out to Buck Buck and fucking Seabuck. That's so fun.

People call the radio station just to say hi to their friends, huh? Shout-out to Circle Wang. Shout-out to Rang. Shout-out to my dog, Kuko. Again, Matthew, Dan, Valerie, John, we love you. Squirrel Girl. Thanks, guys. Shout-out to you guys.

Thank you for supporting. That was a huge success. I think that I so want to continue doing more of that. I just love the idea of everybody being able to watch. Yeah, and those of you that missed it, man, that was it. You should cry, motherfucker, on that shit. You should cry, motherfucker. You should have fucking logged on for free, bitch.

Wow. Somebody still has a little bit of Jesse Pinkman in him. Bitch. Bitch? That's what Jesse Pinkman always talks about. He's like, bitch. Yeah. Yeah, bitch.

That's true. Yeah. Bitch. You're my bitch, bitch. What's up now, bitch? Bitch. I feel like Jesse Pinkman's always out of breath. Yeah.

Bitch. I totally is out of breath all the time. Wow, because he's all, he's all met out. He cries a lot too. He does. I mean, look, that's what happens when you're on the meth roller coaster, though. You're up, you're down, you're all around, you're cooking it, you're snorting it. Having people over at your house.

Just respecting your house. My fucking house, man. Spray paint on them walls and shit. You know what I'm saying? My motherfucking house. This is so stupid. This is stupid. So yeah, that was an old, I realized that we had Brace say cooking the puss a long time

ago. Yes. I saw it. This, the file sitting there. I was like, I'll use that today. Well, apparently jiggalos is restarting. Yeah. Yeah.

It's very exciting. Can't wait for jiggalos. Oh my gosh. Are you kidding me? I love jiggalos. I don't have any information yet. More hoeing? Just loving the hoes.

I like that they're fucking hoes. Yeah, it's hoes. Hey, this is Brace from Showtime's Jiggalos. You know what? I can wear my jeans as high and as tight as I want to. If you don't like that, then you can go fuck yourself. I love that. I miss him.

We got to call him again. To see what's up with Brace. Yeah. I know. God, Vegas is such a scumbag town too. It's a great town. Just full of wholesome people. That's really a place you can go fall off.

If you're really ready to fucking dive into your vices, it really is. It's the reason it's in the city, man. That's gambling, debauchery, getting fucked up, sex, everything. It's all there. It's probably the most unhealthy city. Even doing stand up there for a week. You fall apart. Yeah.

You're bonkers. Especially that most people don't know this, but in Vegas, they usually actually book you for a full week. They want you to do show because Vegas never stops. So it's like what you Monday through Sunday, you're like, what? That doesn't sound right. It's a long week, son. I haven't been back there in a couple of years now for shows.

They offered me Vegas over Thanksgiving week. And they're like, so here's the deal. It's Monday through Monday and you do like two shows a night, three on Thanksgiving and you're like, what? What? That sounds like the worst experience of my life. And I was going to go. I was going to go.

I was booked and it was the only week I've canceled in like a decade. Remember? Yes, but you were legit sick. That does happen every blue moon. Well, I'm glad that we're here. You know why? Because yesterday I was dining with my husband and our local diner. That's me.

And he was watching the television screen behind me as he often does when there is a television on. It's like a shiny thing that distracts men. They can't seem to not look at the television and he was ignoring me as we were eating our meal and I was eating my chicken fajita. Sounds like there's a lot of contempt in that voice. Sorry, Fajita. I was eating my Fajita and I hear him burp and this thing happens.

As I just did. As you just did. And then a split second later, I actually felt the wind of your belch on my cheek or my left cheek. And I thought, who is that breeze? And then I connected the dots in my head and I was like, this is mortifying that you ripped one across from me, across the table and then blew it, but just enough to hit my face. But I want to make it clear and you acknowledge this that I didn't blow.

I didn't blow it in your face. I didn't go like, to you. But that's the magical part of this. It was unintentional that it hit you. Yeah. Yeah, that's true because I belched, I kind of pushed it out and then you go, did you just burp? And I was like, yeah.

And you go, I just felt the wind of it hit my face. It was a special moment for us. So in essence, what happened on my face was the collateral damage of your belch is what you're saying. Like I just, I do it and then some people get hurt in the shrapnel of your belch. Yeah. Yeah. That was neat.

I mean, I've, I've smelled them before. Like that's always kind of a neat treat to be. That one wasn't about the smell, it was about feeling it. It was just the wind of it, which is interesting because I've never just felt wind of your belch. Yeah. I usually smell it and never feel the force. Your fart scared the dog yesterday.

I want to talk about that. I don't even remember. What are you talking about? The dog was chilling on the couch and you farted and it was a high-pitched fart and his head popped up and his ears started up and he was like, what animal outside just made that noise? Can I tell you what type of threat is that? I'm not familiar with that. There is no greater joy in my life than startling the dog with a fart.

It's pretty fun. Is there anything better than watching him kind of? He'll never wrap his hat around what's going on. That's the best part. He's always like, how does that special noise? How did you make that? That's so crazy. It's so much fun to torture the dog, especially now we've been doing the game where Tom and

I pretend to attack each other and then Theo starts barking panicked like, what's going on? Are my food sources being threatened? What are you guys doing? Then he starts licking you. I'm sorry. I barked. I know.

I got excited. Yeah. Yeah. Also, recent developments today, huge news. I got the phone call. I remember a month ago, I flew in from Atlanta on December 23rd, the day before Christmas. I was flying first class like I often do. And GZ was sitting next to me, young GZ.

They didn't GZ. I think he got arrested again. Did he? I'm pretty sure he got arrested again. He's been arrested a few times in the last few months. I think this one, I don't want to go out on a limb and say something. Was it stealing a nook? It was not.

Young GZ. It didn't GZ. I think it's a weapons charge or something. He got arrested for beating his son or something and then he got another one. Hitting his son? That was the one before. Oh. Well, he seemed like a nice guy.

I mean, I didn't GZ. I just saw him eating his, he had grits in his lap and he was eating. And I had my nook for the flight. And as I got up to leave, I was a little taken with GZ and I left my nook on a plane. So two days ago, I get the phone call from Delta. We have your nook. A month later. Can you believe it?

Yeah. I'm so excited. I was so excited to get. I was like, this is unreal. Of course. They're like, what's the reference number? And I'm like, two, two. We don't have the record.

How long? And you're like, come on, dude. You just called me. Like, you know how you have to go through the corporate rigmarole of like, I didn't make the call. So I don't know how they, like they can't wrap their brains around shit. Sure. Anyway, go to LAX today.

Of course, some guys like, I don't see the record. I'm like, just please. My knee hurts. Yeah. Like just open the lost and found, bro. Just let me fucking look. So I poked my head in there and the guy fishes it out of a pile of stuff and I was like. How does he confirm it's yours?

Does he? Does he or no? Um, well, my name is on there, like, because they kind of identified over the phone. They were like, could you describe it? I'm like, oh, it's got the blue cover, blah, blah, blah. And so I confirmed it over the phone and then I showed him my ID. Yeah. Let him know it was me.

Okay. I'm really surprised. I honestly thought I would never see that again. I definitely thought you would not see it again. Can't believe it. Can't believe it. I do like how backlogged that system is. You got to call over a month after this flight, a month.

And they don't keep records longer than a month in their system. So that was fun to go in and be like, if you ever lose something, just keep the reference number, just a word of advice. Well, you handled it well. Part of it is that you hand professionally, would you like to hear how somebody else handles customer service? I'd like to. Thank you.

All right. Here you go. Good morning, Mike. Thank you for this assessment. Bullsh! I don't care. I don't care. Can't believe it.

I can drive a fucking car on the fucking road in fucking Victoria so the cops can get up in fucking ass again, eh? Okay, sir. I'm going to make a booking for this fucking bullshit so I can shove a piece of paper up the fucking ass just down here, coins us and say I can drive the car safely and sit on this bullshit and stop getting the cars up in the fucking ass. I'll tell you what, mate. I'm going to live it up in Croydon.

All of our BoloBit is harassed by the dickheads down here at Croydon. What? I think I'm a fucking dickhead. I'll tell you what, it's not me. It's the fucking man. The two fucking ladies are doing shit. I want someone to come out and give me a driving test. Why?

Big road cops. Ozzy, Ozzy, Ozzy. Oi, oi, oi. You know what's so funny about Australians? Is that even when they're angry? They just sound so adorable because they're a little accent. They are cheerful, wonderful people. I'm so angry, love.

I agree. I taste cunts. They're just so cute, though. You can't be mad. You're Australian. I have fucking cunts. I fucking kill you, motherfuckers. He's very fired up.

Is this how you found your nook? No. Similarly? I was so defeated. I had no faith in humanity. You're like, I just, I want my nook, you cunt. What's he fired up about? I'm not sure I understand.

He is booking something for a driving test or something? Oh. I don't know. Here, let's let him explain more. Okay, so you're also driving to a safe zone. So I can keep driving on the fucking roads in fucking Victoria. Shout out to all our listeners in Victoria. I tell you what, I'll show them the count of the next police cars they go until they

come to get fucked. Stop! How about you, Mary? Stop! How about you, bastards? Wow. I tell you what, I'm going to get fucked. Go!

Cunt! He just went cunt out there. I did like that. Some of it is not actually intelligible. Yeah. But some of it, like the way he just said, cunt. Yeah, I got that. Did you get cunt or not?

I felt it. I felt the wind of that one. Before you get fucked, go! Cunt! I love that. I felt that way yesterday. I was on Unhold it with Anthem Blue Cross for exactly one hour of my life. That's such bullshit.

Yeah. That is the worst. I did want. She's like, they finally answer after an hour and then I explain my situation. She's like, okay, can I put you back on hold? I'm like, yeah, because I'm used to that. I know what that feels like. They just have no regard for you whatsoever.

They don't care. An hour of my life gone waiting on fucking hold. I do wish you could... God damn it. Motherfuckers. After a certain amount on hold, if you're waiting on hold, after it surpasses a certain amount of time, an automated voice should say like, you've been waiting for 45 minutes. We will now grant you the address of this call center.

So you can either go there and start shit or you can mail them something, you know? Some hateful letter. Yeah. Well, I think they're... If you were speaking to Cindy Markson, she lives at 227. You can go to her house, but you fucking bitch. The thing is, it's not Cindy's fault. It's the fact that they don't hire enough people to accommodate the call volume.

So it's Anthem's fault. But it's fun to take it out on Cindy. Why don't they do that thing that they do with Delta where they're like, we'll call you back? Like, yeah, sure. Call me back in an hour, dude. Yeah, I know. How about...

Have you ever said... I've called... I can't remember the place now, but some customer service place where you go. Hey, man, just real quick. If I lose this, can you call me back and they go, we don't have that ability? They never do. And you're like, how do you not have the ability to make a phone? We're talking on the phone.

The buttons don't go down that way. I can't push the button to call you back. Why is it four? I have a four. What if I press four? Will that get you back? Yeah. How can you not call me back?

You liar face. Why does mom Australia and the UK so lovingly and openly and liberally use cunt? And we are like, ooh, you made my cunt hurt when you said cunt. Because cunt, I don't think has nothing to do with female genitalia really. Like when I lived in England... Stop being a cunt. When I lived in England, people say that there's no connotation of a female part. A stupid person is a cunt.

Call somebody a stupid cunt. Stop being a cunt. Or being a fucking idiot asshole. Yeah, it's dummy. But Americans, you know, you know why? Because Americans have to sexualize everything. They have to make everything about them. But it's also...

It cuts deeply here. I remember I worked as an intern. I interned at a big entertainment company when I first came here and we would read scripts. And they were making huge multi-million dollar movies. And we're going through the script of a movie one time. And the vice president of this company, somebody who has paid a lot of fucking money to do this, was like going through, you know, things that we would change in the script. And then she was like, and then I absolutely refuse to have the word cunt.

It's just I don't like that word. So we're switching it to bitch. And my whole thing about it was, yeah, I know that it cuts deeply, right? Or it's offensive here. I guess, yeah. But if the writer chooses it, isn't it to have that impact? In other words, if you just say bitch, it's not the same impact. That's the whole point.

The point is that it says that, you know? Like they did that with what's it called? N-bomb in Mark Twain. They took it out of the Tom Sawyer. Oh, that's right. They edited it. That's so stupid. Recently.

You're like, but I mean, his intention was that. So why would you get away from the author? Right? Yeah, I agree. It's neutering. It's the sanitization, the sanitizing of culture, of language, of space and time that existed. It's not, you know what I mean? Like if that's the time that that book was written, it's the character, right?

Yeah. They call him, they call him Nigger Jim, right? I don't remember. The point of the story is, that's what happened back then. So to take that out, it's like, wow, I guess we're afraid of our own history. People are so afraid. Mark Twain was like... I'm not sure that's the...

He's reading from Tom Sawyer. That's even nice. Oh. That's from the book. God damn it. Yeah. I remember... Please tell my favorite story ever.

What? About you and your ex-boyfriend in the UK. Oh my God. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. Right. Right. Well, okay. Because, okay, so...

This is so funny. Yeah. My ex and I go to England, and we're hanging out in a pub, meeting strangers in a pub, and just drinking and having a good time. And the dudes that we're with are just calling everybody and anybody a cunt, right? Hey, call all you fucking guys. Yeah. Everything's a fucking cunt.

You cunt this cunt. These are local guys, obviously. Yeah. They're just like pub dudes, right? We're just strangers. You fucking cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt. And so my ex-boyfriend at the time decides he's going to try to chime in on the cunt phenomenon. There's two English girls with us, and he's like, I forget what the intro is, but he's

like, right, you fucking cunts. And they were like, um, yeah, that's not how that works. You don't actually call a woman a cunt directly. You usually call a man a cunt. Right. Or... But then they jump in and they're like, oh no, that's not, you don't do like that. Yeah.

They're like, it's not the right way to do that. And he's like, oh, sorry. For some reason, the first time you told me that I couldn't even like put myself together because it plays, I visually see it. Like he's like, all right. Yeah. They keep saying this. Yeah.

And he's like, hey, could you pass me that beer you fucking cunt? Right, right. And she's like, excuse me. She's like, that's not the right way. And they're like, what? Am I not? Is that wrong? Did I do that wrong?

I'm like, yeah, man. Yeah. You don't say it like that. Yeah. It's a difference between, uh, nigga and the gur. You know what I'm saying? Like it's a little bit of a difference between those two culturally. That's the only thing I can kind of liken it to.

You know, you stupid cunt, stupid cunt. They don't really actually call a woman a cunt. It's not right. It doesn't work that way. Right. So funny. Yeah. Yeah.

The Jefferson County High School teacher has now received the longest suspension on record for calling a student the n-word. Get away from the door, nigga. And I was just, I repeated. Why is this word used so frequently? So I just, I just don't understand it. And I'm trying to understand it. I need help.

Yes. I use nigga. I've used it. I admit it. I put the H on it to emphasize it's nigga. You know, nigga, nigga this, nigga, nigga please. Can you lend a nigga a pencil? I remember that one.

Oh my God. That's a good one. I don't think I actually ever played that on the show. Really? I don't think so. It was in such high huge circulation. We just kind of didn't, you know, but that, that guy is emphasizing your point. There you go.

You can say cunt, cunt, cunt to other dudes, but generally not to women. They don't really like it so much. I don't like being called dumb cunts. Thank you cunt. Um, what? I don't have a problem with cunt. It doesn't, um, I, I actually have a problem more with pussy. You never liked that.

I don't. Yeah, you pointed that out to me. But it's only because pussy, the, the, um, the meaning is like you're weak. Like, oh, you're such a pussy, but the reality is vaginas bring life into the world. They're very malleable. Like they actually stretch as we learn from Jules. And, uh, pussy. And they take a beating.

Yeah. The implication being that it's a weak thing to be, to have a pussy, which is so stupid. It's stupid. Yeah. You're right. It doesn't make sense. Because, um, people, uh, really pound pussies. You get your pussy pounded.

Yep. And birth, children. You bleed out of it. I mean, how long is that one? Two and a half minutes. Jesus Christ. I mean, play it in full and tired. But if you're, sometimes you can put two in the front and then two in the back and you

can be proud of yourself. You can be. Yep. You absolutely can be. So how is that, you know, a weak thing? Stupid. Well. I'm not talking about cocks.

It's disgusting. They're not me. You better not be, babe. Um, yeah, there's two in there. There's three. You want to do it? Just put it in there. Let's quit debate.

Um, now pussy, uh, also, but I think what, what they're really trying to say is your pussy means you're a woman. And that's. Yes. Feminine. That which is feminine is weak, which is, you know, I don't know how that, I think we're weaker than dudes physically, obviously you could murder me. But dude, we make babies.

Yeah. Like how the fuck are we considered the weaker sex? We're the one creating life in our wombs, pushing them out, laboring, and we're considered the, how is that? We're fucking gods. I'm a God. I can create life, motherfucker. I'm going to recognize, you know what I'm saying?

Whoa. You know what I'm saying? You're farting on all your haters. I'm farting on all your haters. You're farting on all the haters. Yeah. It's a society. So fucking stupid.

We heard the Chuck Woolery ad together in the car. That was fun. Now I like that they play his ads back to back for no reason. Like breath. You know, I'm in love and nothing ruins the moment that bad breath. And then they go straight from there. They go, they make it greasy in there. They're like, oh, you know, oh, fucking didn't greasy.

You hear them back to back. Bad breath. Yeah. I'll tell you, but I know the product that I like really works and you know, it really works. And stuff really works, stuff really works. It really works. Oh, which reminds me, remember, we saw that commercial for HD vision glasses.

Oh, yeah. Night vision. That's right. That's a, we have to get that for Jane. We do have to get her some night vision HD. They go over your regular glasses. Why are those different? Those are different than the ones that we have in the house currently that we bought

at the pharmacy. Right? Yeah. I think so. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm Dr. Suzanne Cohen.

And I've got some great news. That's really hard to believe. There was a mouthwash called smart mouth. I said it's smart mouth for 12 hours. Rinse with smart mouth in the morning, fresh breath all day, rinse at night and wake up without bad breath. No morning breath sounds unbelievable, but it's been clinically proven and into independently verified, 12 hour fresh breath.

No other mouthwash can do this. Smart mouth. It's a remarkable invention. I wish they had the Chuck Woolery version. There's no burn too. Doesn't he say that? There's no burn. No burn and you don't have to deal with all that bad breath you got.

How can it kill bacteria in your mouth for 12 hours? It's quite a strong thing, huh? Yeah, I don't know. I looked at our deodorant yesterday. It's like, this lasts for 48 hours. I don't need that to last so long. Save us Chuck. I can shower.

It's okay. He's like an ultra conservative this guy. So weird. It's a little longer than the Great Wall of China. Take a look at her track record. In December, she proposed we give unemployment benefits to get this. Working Americans recently she proposed we changed the word welfare to transitional living fund in order to put welfare in a more positive light.

Then she even claimed we had the lowest safety net of any country. Surely Sheila. You hear the frustration? I don't know what I'm going to do with this. Fucking broad. Fucking stupid broad. She's the one who claimed the Obamacare cancellation notices from insurance companies were all lies.

Jesus. Simply said wrong with him. Chuck Woolery. You don't like us on Facebook at the Save Us Chuck Woolery page. Save Us. What? Save Us Chuck Woolery. What is he running for?

He's just telling it how it is. That whole idea, I don't even like when comics are known is that like tell it how it is man. Like that whole fucking, that's like a way of thinking that people subscribe to. He really tells it how it is. And that's what they're claiming that Chuck Woolery is going to tell you the way it is. Save Us Chuck. But if he's going to call out all that bullshit. But then shouldn't he run?

Maybe we should have Chuck Woolery run for sure. Yeah, we should have him run. No, that'd be great. No, it would not be back in two and two would not be great. He's out of his fucking mind. The whole here's the hypocrisy behind telling it like it is. Is there more full of shit than anybody when they tell you how it is because they're telling you they're putting their spin on it.

In other words, all they're doing is taking down the other side like every politician does, but they're full of shit themselves. Of course, it's all it's all smoke and mirrors. It's all fucking bullshit. Yeah, I wouldn't believe anything that Chuck Woolery told you all bullshit except for Australian dream. You know, it really works. Yeah, it's all fucking bullshit.

It's like that war documentary we watched. What do we watch? What was it called? We watched Dirty Wars. Yeah, I mean, you know, we are the world's imperial oppressors and stuff and stuff. Our role to dominate the world. That's what we do. There's really no way to sugarcoat that's what you took out of this kind of.

I mean, I forgot what my point was with that. I was waiting for it. What is your point? I think that. Oh, right. I mean, you know, we can say that we're doing stuff like we're going to reeducate and we're going to integrate and we're going to win hearts and minds and we're going to teach them to be civilized.

It's not really the point we're going in there just to like stake our claim and control the world. I'm saying the propaganda machine will tell you otherwise. Oh, yeah. Of course. Well, we're doing this to liberate. The Taliban's bad. You're like, I don't know about that.

You don't know if the Taliban's bad? I know the Taliban's bad, but there's a lot of bad governments that we don't give a fuck about. So why do we give a fuck about just this one region? You know, right? You know what I'm saying? Mm hmm. That's my point.

Yeah. Okay. I see what you're saying. All right. I can't. I can't do it. I'm hungry. I need a sandwich.

You look like you're going to tap out like tired, hungry. I saw my shrink today, little, you know, fired up, but Dirty Wars is an excellent documentary. I highly recommend it. Yeah. It's fucked up. You know, you think it's a good documentary? No. It's a good documentary.

I just feel like, I think I said this as we were watching it. I feel like people that look, I'm, I'm a patriotic, I'm, I'm fucking straight up American all the way. And I feel like these guys that are like, oh, we do bad things like, well, no shit, America does bad things. That's how we're number one. We do bad shit to people. Unfortunately, it happens.

Yeah. That's how you get to live in a country that's so wealthy and powerful because we do, we do bad shit to other people sometimes is better asked than fucking some other culture, right? Better asked than the Chinese. Yeah. That's my opinion anyway. I don't know.

What else would you have run the, the world if not America? I see what you're saying. I think what, what, one of the points of the documentary though is, is that it's, it's there to open your eyes to things. In other words, there's a lot of people who don't know what certain, certain practices that go on and the film is showing you that it, it's basically it's better that you at least know about these things happening than pretend that this stuff doesn't happen. Yeah.

I feel like, but I, yeah, sorry. No, there's a lot. I mean, there's basically, maybe people probably don't know that this administration is one of the most forward in their idea of taking away restrictions to our military, basically granting them permission to go. This JSOC department is going like wherever they want, taking out whomever they want. And they're also just creating this list of people that need to die to keep them doing this.

I think the film is, is more about like, well, here's a reality that you don't know about, maybe. Yeah, yeah. And like, if you're comfortable with it, that's, that's everybody's decision, but it's, it's almost better to know like, hey, yeah, they did go in and just murder, yeah, murder these pregnant women and their families. Which we've always done. It looks like Vietnam, we killed pregnant women.

We killed women and children and it just happens. It just happens? Yeah. It's part of war. It's a fucking bomb. People that don't need to be bomb. I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying it is.

And that whole, uh, yeah, but I think that JSOC and all these secret stuff, it exists because this war is different than any other war. This war is a war of secrecy. It is something that it's not, the enemy is not apparent all the time. So that's why I think, I mean, I'm not saying it's fantastic that they do this, the government, the government's always done fucked up shit though. I feel like we've always done fucked. We've always been spying on our citizens and they're on fucked up shit.

Yeah. But again, I mean, the whole point is like the more you know about it, the better. It's terrifying. The more scary it is. Right. But I mean, why is it scary? Because it's not, it's not a good thing. Yeah.

It's a horrible thing. Oh, I mean, it's a, I think it's an important movie to watch. Yeah. It's a comedy. I mean, it's an eye opening movie. It's an eye opening hysterical movie. Yeah. It is camp 14.

Yeah. We watched that the other night too. And that was more just like a laugh. That's more straight up hilarious. It's camp 14 total control zone, which documents the only person to ever escape from camp 14 in North Korea, labor camp, and it also has some of the former guards who are very funny also. Who are swell people.

One of whom has zero remorse for stuff that he did to torture, kill, kill, rape, a lot of rape. I mean, he kind of like laughs a couple of times, fondly recalls. Yeah. He laughs and then he like, it's like, is that a funny part? I don't know. Like he doesn't know whether it's okay to laugh at him. He's like, and he looks around the room and he's like, just straightens up.

Yeah. We would just pick the girl we wanted and we'd bring her home. And then if she got pregnant, we would make something up and just kill her. Yeah. And then he was like, one of those days back at the camp, just raping bitches. No, I know it was bad. He's like, it was not. It was bad.

It was very bad. I don't even know if he said that. No, he did the, when they were like, does your kid know? He was like, I'll tell him. He goes, he goes, does your kid know? He's like, well, I mean, my kid's in grade school, but when he's in middle school, he's old enough to know. Yeah.

So middle school, I'm assuming is what seventh grade, 11, 12, 6, 7th, 8th grade. Yeah. So that's when you find out your dad is a rapist, murderer, guardsman. And like, not like there was this one bad night where I did this one thing. Right. Here's what I did for years. Just for a paycheck. Just kind of, well, because they were forcing you to, no, I just wanted to, it was like,

I mean, I, you had to kill, I mean, it was encouraged. They were like, how about the one guy goes, this, this movie's fucked up. You guys have to, the one guy goes, um, sometimes if I was like with a group of guys, I'd be like, I'd tell, pull one on the side and I would be like, you need to kill one of these other guys or I'm going to kill all of you. He said that to a prisoner and that prisoner would jump another prisoner and beat him to death and he'd be like, you know, then that way I don't have to get my hands dirty. Smart, but I mean, it makes sense.

Come on. Like, is not the way you should do it. The kind of like that prison guy that was like, I get him to grease his own asshole so that when the guards come around and go, oh, you're right. Don't be like, no, it's a finger fucked himself. So convict prison trick. Uh, give him the grease and then he, he, uh, to like fuck himself and then, um, later on when I, when the guard comes that he's my boy, I've been fucking him.

There you go. It's something like that. I think I don't think I said it as tastefully as he put it, but it's pretty accurate. Yeah. Just put your finger with this grease in your body and to your dog parts into your buttocks. I mean, it's just relax to your pack. Um, so, uh, there's this one thing that came in.

It's been sent to us a few times and it's really, oh, this is the guy. I gave him the grease. Here we go. And I tell him there, put some on his finger. Fine. Sticking in his ass and gritting, you know, I'm saying kind of like fuck yourself. So loosening itself up. Yeah.

Um, I mean, but that is the right way to do it. Cause then when the guards come around and be like, you raped this guy is like, no, I've been fucking him. This guy fucks himself with his finger. He wanted me to do it. He's got grease under his nails. See how much he loves it. Yep.

That's what the guards do. This came in, um, it is you laughed hysterically at this. I did as well, um, about this guy in New York, who's a boxer and he teaches. Oh my God. I love him. He's a boxing coach now at like kind of an upscale boxing, uh, club. And basically he was a really good boxer, um, like professional. And he got injured, which he addresses in this video.

Uh, but now he coaches and it's like all Wall Street guys. And he's, I'll let him tell you exactly what he thinks of them. I love this guy. See what he, we can get him just, just to play. All right. That was not clear. We mind in my business and leave me yours alone. We talk about me.

Your job is all the camera motherfucking. I'm Eric Kelly, one of the titles for all the raising book in New York. Fuck up. That's him. Walking by people at fuck out my way is what he says to people at the gym. It's his gym. I'm National Amateur Boxing Champion. That's a hook we taught.

Two-time New York City Golden Glove champ. I can't believe you're still on this side of the dirt. 2000 Olympic team alternate. We get the old ass top gun here cut from. Two-time ranked number one in the USA. Are you poking your ass out like that? You don't even want somebody to get behind you. Also ranked number four in the world.

As long as you don't come here, you don't know how to slip and go to the body. I'm a motherfucking boy. I had a pretty successful amateur career. Eric Kelly, clearly the hungrier fighter. However, I got injured in the street altercation. My left eye got hit, pool stick and whatnot. So that gave me a floater in the nerves and the muscle in my eyelid. It's super sad.

Like when you see him, his left eye is clearly like really damaged. You know, you can't control the eyelid. And I don't think he can even control the eyeball necessarily completely. So that obviously ended his competitive career. But he still talks mad shit to everybody. It's pretty fantastic. Very weak. Whoever I'm still doing something, my love boxing, training people,

even though I'm training a bunch of fucking nerds, Wall Street guys, no coordination, they're just not athletic people. Calling somebody a nerd still makes me laugh. Is there a bunch of fucking nerds? That is so hilarious to me. Why is calling somebody a nerd so funny? And he's right. Like this guy is like straight up, he's a real deal.

He's a real deal. He's legit, man. Training pussies, excuse my wording. And he's really sick of it. He's like, sucks, man. Well, because they are kind of like this guy, I'm assuming has had like the hard knocks training. Like he came up from the fucking ground up.

These guys are going like this. In the bag, like goofy and stuff. And they've got a real workout going. I'm breaking a sweat. He's like, man, he's like, you fucking bitches. Bitches, I'm fucking nerds, Wall Street guys, no coordination. They're just not athletic people. They got me with it.

Look at this motherfucker right here on the back. Look, look, look at this motherfucker right here on the back. Look, look at the uppercut. Look at the uppercut. Look at the uppercut. He's making fun of his students. Of course, it's so rare, though. Like when you go to play, you sign up, you pay and you're like, how

am I doing now? And I would be like, you suck. So great. Can I tell you, this is how I feel about, I feel about comedians that don't do the road and don't fight and stuff or you're upset because I moved the microphone. God, you make so much noise when you do that. You know, you're like, it's like you bang it like a, like a toddler.

Like you hit your toys against the fucking thing. Do you want to edit it out? You can cut it out. No, I'll just let the register kind of hit people's ear drums. Let it happen. The point is this reminds me of how I feel about comics. Like there are some comedians that never go do battle on the road because it's a battle.

You're fighting wars every night. You're going out there. You're dealing with hecklers, with scum fucks, screw heads, hookers. All the animals come out at night, right? Real rain comes someday. Real rain will wash the scum off the streets. That's true. And that's what you're dealing with.

And then there's other fuckers who just say in LA and do my safe little indie rooms. I just stay where it's safe and I don't have to fucking deal with the public with real life, with the real life. That's what this guy is like to deal with that real fucking shit. Right. And those are fucking nerds, in my opinion. That's true. This guy is like, look, I deal with real shit.

That's very real shit. I got real shit right here. Real fucking shit. No, I'm saying this, this is real shit in the comedy clubs. You know what I'm saying? Real shit. Right. Real shit.

That's real shit. Yeah. But you know what? You're not a fucking nerd. That's right. Because you deal with some real shit. That's right. Here we go.

Back to Eric Kelly, the great boxing teacher. Little uppercut, like this. Hey, hey, do your uppercut again. Do your uppercut again. It's terrible. Like the worst thing in the world. Jesus, double jab, right uppercut, left hook, right head. Double jab, right uppercut, left hook, right hand.

Do it. A lot of these cats, I wish they'd just forget the address to the gym. You know, everything is not for everybody. You don't see me going to motherfucking Wall Street, picking up a fucking briefcase, trying to type, do you? Trying to type. So that's not what the fuck I do. I beat the fuck out of people, you know what I mean?

Right. Now you got these pieces of shit want to come here, feel like men at the end of the day. So I did something. I put that punch to buzz and use a fucking wuss, you know, and you couldn't last a day in my shoes. That is my favorite whole like exchange. That's the best rant I've ever heard in my life.

These are he's 100% accurate. That's why you stay the fuck out of it. You don't see me. Wall Street, yeah. Grabbing a briefcase going to Wall Street and trying to type. Yeah. Like they're just typing. That's I mean, isn't that isn't that the key to life, though,

is figuring out what you're good at. Right. But isn't that life maximizing what you're great at and fuck what you don't even do the shit that you're not good at. Forget about it. Don't even try. Why you got this shit all the other fuck you gonna bore your face.

You got this shit all the other fucking knuckles. You dumb shit. You wrapped the knuckle, but you don't come all the way up to the middle of the finger. Somebody to show you how to put on your socks. You look like all the nerves has had a convention on your body. Like all the nerves of the world to say, you know what, I know where to go and they chose your punk ass.

My mother beat you up as a kid and they still do the thing. You're a grown ass man. I bet you got I bet I bet somebody get you as you on your way here. I bet you fought three or come out. Like I said, it just not built for everything in for everybody. See, they cut from different clothes. Some people was cut from leather like you take a person on my

caliber on come from leather on come from suede. You know what I mean? I'll ride the bullet. That's what I do. I feel like that's me too. I'm gonna start saying that more. I come from suede. I'm gonna start saying I ride the bullet more from leather.

Yo, what's up? That was like the soprano's last night. I'm sorry. Then I ride the bullet and the soprano's, uh, which is not probably Walnuts was talking to Johnny Sacks and Johnny Sacks is like, keep your dick up. That's the best fucking line. I'm gonna keep your dick up.

You keep your dick up, son. Yeah. Yep. What's going on, Bodilac? Look at that motherfucker here. I'm up here about five different colors, come to different colors in his head. They're like every herb tone in the color matrix.

Well, you get them young ass shorts from like 1972 NBA Eastern Conference final shorts. Hell no, you can't even do this. Much less dance. Hey, it's a job, you know what I mean? And especially in America, you're having a job as a blessing and doing something you love as a blessing, even if the people are miscreants.

See, you know, that's how it goes. I mean, I got a few people that I love and the staff is great. I couldn't ask for a better staff, but couldn't ask for a better job. They make this worthwhile. It's just that some majority, most practically all these motherfuckers here suck. See, he's saying the same shit.

I'm saying about being a comic, the trenches, the scum fucks. And then, but you love what you do and you keep fighting the fight. It is, I guess, kind of true. I was kind of like, I was like, I don't know if I agree. If you're not good, you shouldn't do it. But then we stand up with a thing is after a while, you want to go. How long have you been doing it? You should stop doing this because you suck, man.

Yeah, do what you're great at and fuck what you're not. Just don't even touch it. Why are you swimming upstream with something? Like for me, I'm never going to be a ballerina. I have no coordination. I can't dance for shit. So I'm never even going to touch that, right, son? Yeah.

But I mean, if you wanted to give it a shot, it's fine to give it a shot. Yeah, you should try it if you want to. Yeah. And then if it doesn't work out, if you're not good at it, then you should quit. Or like me doing martial arts. That's a fucking nightmare disaster. I remember I took a, I thought I should try karate like in my like 32. Well, I was 31 or 32 years old.

And I remember the little kids in the class after me were watching and pointing and laughing at me and how disastrous I was. A karate. Hey, karate. So I don't fucks with it no more. You know what I'm saying? Fucks with it. You know what a fucks with?

A fucks with walking because I can do that pretty good. Yeah. A fucks with a light jog every now and then. A fucks with maybe a cardio bar class every now and then. That's that's what I can fucks with. That's what's up. Bicycle riding. I ride a bike every now and then.

Yeah, I'm pretty good at that. You feel good about that? Yeah, I do. That's all I got to do. Yeah. That's that's my level. That's OK. It's about being honest with your level too.

Yeah, dude. So it's what I'm trying to tell people that if you want to see that video, look up Eric Kelly, E R I C Kelly, the boxer. You can see him talk match it to people to their face. It's fucking hilarious. So funny, dude. Very funny. We're going to try to get my cousin Jeanette to do our next episode.

Oh, what's happening? We're inviting her over tonight for dinner. We're getting her drunk as a skunk and we're going to put her on this mic because you got to hear this broad talk. Yeah, she is great. She's all personality. Definitely one of the most. I think one of the most entertaining.

Yeah, not she's not a sagora, but she's a cousin. Yeah, she's a first cousin. First cousin. Our mothers, our mothers, our sisters. So Chateau is sisters with Blanca. Damn it, Blanca. Shit, Blanca. I love that couple, man.

Yeah, so that'll be fun. Hopefully we'll have that for you on Friday. There's no such thing as Wednesday. That's right. It's for Friday. I'm starving, Jean's. All right. We love you.

We're going to feed me. We'll see. We're going to get you something right now. You need to feed me. You know what? Feed me. We love you. We'll be back in a couple of days.

Your mom's house podcast dot com. Check it out very soon. You'll have. I can't wait to show you guys the new shirts. There's a new shirt. It's going to make your pee pee stand straight up and down. It's exciting. All right.

We love you. Love you, Jean. We're out of here. Bye, Jean's.