Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 196-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 12, 2014

I've been wanting to see what's in those Jeans for a long time! Oh, get your dirty mind out of my jeans. Cab drivers are hot and we all want a piece of them. Our favorite part about riding around with cabbies is their smell but also their cleanliness and also listening to their nice music and also when they ignore our requests. Yeah, that's about it. Shakey Jeans is gone, but who will replace him? Hopefully someone with a more debilitating condition. Is the NFL ready for a gay player? What if an entire team were gay and amazingly talented? We pray for this. Tom and Tina talk about their new business idea - which involves juice and dudes. We got Brown Talk, a NEW release from the King (A** Ripper), a wanna-be tough guy and MORE! 

We've had a little bit of an argument going, oh like who's the main, who's the main mommy. I'm the main mommy. The main mommy. Me. I believe the main mommy. I qualify. Could be the main mommy. The main mommy.

The main mommy. Christine is the main mommy. Did you know that? Speaking of the main mommy. And the main mommy. There you go. So you fart more, you wear more jeans. I think this is always going to break out in a tie.

No matter what you bring up, you can bring out this, and you guys are just going to have to be the moms together. That's true. You know, this is what you agreed upon. See, someone reasonable just came into the picture. Right, whatever. Left to agree to mommy agree. Yeah, which makes me the main mommy.

Whoa. Yeah. Wow. That was great. That was great. Felix Falcon made that. That's called the full charge is the main mommy. That's full charge is first song. Yeah, and this is a, this is summer jeans right here. I like this by Thomas Earl, I believe.

And I think you were saying earlier, summer jeans would be nice in the wintertime. Everybody's so cold right now. Everybody's so cold right now. Even us in California, it's dipped dangerously low into the upper sixties today. So this is for all you guys who aren't enjoying their summer jeans. Summer jeans are what?

Shorter jeans. They let that air breathe more in that denim. They cut, you cut them off and then those white strings, they tickle your legs. Your butt hangs out of the bottom of those. And they really hug your crotch. Really nice. They're very comfortable. I think actually I used to have a pair of jeans like that

when I was a kid. They really aren't that comfortable because they do not look that comfortable. They're terrible. Like you sit down and it goes right up your coach and your butt. Yep. Well, no complaints here. Right up there. Let's see those camel toes.

Ladies. Jeans, we got quite a month coming up. This week we go to the Windy City to do to do shows at the Chicago Improv in Schomburg. Chicago, I think. So please come see us Thursday through Sunday at the Chicago Improv. We'll be together.

We don't do it a lot, but we're there. Special occasion is Valentine's Day. So we're doing it for you. It's all the love you can handle. Two mommies, one jeans. One Valentine jeans. And then it gets real exciting. You go somewhere, next week you go to Orlando?

I go to Mom Lando. That's February 20th through 23rd. And then I go to the San Jose Improv. Now guys, my shows are only now Friday and Saturday. They change the schedule. I'm only doing four shows Friday and Saturday. Please come to Saturday. Please show out because I'm videoing that for a special.

So I really need you guys to come to Saturday. I'll tell you this too. I had to tape the same thing before I did mine. Guys, go out, support her, bring friends, laugh and have a good time. Just be there and don't be a disruption. I'm asking you for my jeans. Be good, be a good audience member.

And she just needs people in those seats. They're there to have a good time. So go see her. We need your mamas in the fucking stands. You know what I'm saying? You definitely need mamas in the fucking stands for that. It goes on. I actually will go to Raleigh.

I'm doing Charlie. Good nights, February 27th through March 1st. And then the live podcasts really take off in March. We are going to do a live podcast in Brooklyn at the bell house on March 13th. Please get your tickets. You can get those tickets on my site. There's also links up on the podcast site.

Yeah. Your mom's house podcast.com. Excellent. www. www. And then the next night we do stand up at the knitting factory in Brooklyn. So you can get a discounted rate for that ticket if you buy it online. So you can buy that now.

That's from March 14th to 15th. We go to Columbus to do the podcast live at Woodlands Tavern. We're excited to be back there. We did stand up last year. Now we're doing the podcast and the next week we just had the date confirmed and it's up. We're doing March 20th at Cobbs in San Francisco. We're doing the podcast on a Thursday, which I'm very excited about.

It's a good day to be there. Yeah, that's a good fun night. Thursday in San Francisco? Yeah. Come on. That's when the weekend begins in San Francisco. Absolutely. You used to tear it up on Thursday.

I used to go out to the Adam and Eve strip book club. And I would take my top off. And I would dance for sailors. And I would collect match books. Okay. We're good. That's great, babe. Oh, jeans.

Jeans on Van Nuys. Listen, we mentioned the Ice House special episode, bonus episode. Oh, yeah. It is not up yet. I know some of you have asked about that. We are currently working with iTunes to get that up. It might be another week or so. We're going to do something this time that we should have done last time that you pointed

out, which is we won't announce it again until it's the correct price. Yeah. It's a bummer for you guys. Yeah. To wait and ask. Don't do that. So we'll just, we're not going to mention the new bonus again until it's correct. The new bonus.

Yes. And it's not up now. So don't get it yet. You can't get it yet. It's not up. All right. There's that. Twitter.

At Christina P. Tom Segura. Follow us. It really helps us keep in contact with you guys. Yeah. We love it. We love it. Love meeting you guys. Love talking to you on Twitter.

It's the best. Howl at ya, boy. You ready to get into this? Okay. I'll see what you're doing. All right. Let's watch. Okay.

I mean, yeah. I know that shit. All right. You ready? Hey. You are so cool. And you're doing something. Yeah.

You're my favorite taxi driver. Really? Yeah. My face? Yeah. I've been wanting to see what's in these jeans for a long time. This is big time. Who is Ryan?

Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. Christina Pajitzi.

Christina Pajitzi. Christina Pajitzi. Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. Jeans. You shook your head at me as that played. Was that the first ever jeans porn? I think so.

How did you find that? Accidentally. Really? Yeah. Just in your own personal cataloging? You were like, what? Is that Rocco? No.

I was hoping it would be. Some dude. I was, you know, in my hotel room. Yeah. Just clicking on tube site videos. And then I heard that and it got me into work mode. I said, I need to send this URL to myself. Now, was it a specific genre where you like jean, denim?

Is there a label in pornography for jean porn? Well, luckily for you, I have a computer right here. Let's see. I wouldn't be surprised. Denim porn? There's probably like, oh, I bet you know what there is, dude. Probably like mom jean porn. You know, there's mom porn.

There's definitely, I hit denim and videos. Definitely. I don't know what this, denim teen titties, denim skirt comes off. Denim teen titties. That's what it says. What does that even mean? Oh no. She's wearing jeans.

Oh, there you go. Denim, dean, deep throat. What does that mean? Denim, dean. Denim, teen, deep throat. I think they just labeled it because she's wearing jeans. Somebody tagged it that. I don't know why, why it matters, but it's.

It matters to somebody. It matters to somebody. You're right. And I shouldn't be disrespectful. I shouldn't. There's some guy out there who that matters very much to. Yeah. I guess there's a genre where it looks like the girl is wearing jeans and she lowers them

just enough to have sex. That's a whole, it looks like it's a whole genre. This girl is giving a hand job in a denim shirt. It's there. People care about jeans. Let's look it up as jeans. I wonder if that makes a difference. I wonder if there's a Jay Leno jeans shirt.

Holy shit. Jeans brought up 16 pages of results. Just jeans. Just girls in jeans. Walking around. I guess people like the way a girl looks in jeans. They're just walking in jeans and they're following her. What a wonderful world we live in.

That's a thing. Isn't it? And then they, they did a freeze frame of her. Wow. Okay. So ridiculous. So now we know it's a world, but I just, I really liked when I heard this, I said, Hey, do you want to go to school?

Do you want to do something? Yeah. You're my favorite taxi driver. Really? Yeah. My favorite? Yeah. I've been wanting to see what's in these jeans by the way.

You are my favorite taxi driver. You are my favorite. Doxy. I would have to say of all the taxi drivers I've had. Have you wanted to see what's in those jeans for a long time? Not one. Not one? Nope.

I've seen some of the guys that you're talking about and I have to disagree. I'd say a lot of them are very desirable looking. Well, there was one kind gentleman. He was just chewing some Indian flavored dip and he would spit it into the cup. That was around five in the morning at the airport. So it was kind of nice to get those smells in the back of the cab. Then maybe I normally wouldn't get it five in the morning. At that time.

Yeah. This is like the ocean breeze is coming in. There's flowers. And then sometimes they'll get to play their cool music. I'd better not have a problem with it. Suck on! Yeah, like, I don't know. Would you ever do that?

Like you drive a public cab and then you're like, here's my fucking shitty bullshit foreign shit music. Yeah. You don't mind. You want to hear my love songs? One time I asked. I'm like, what are they singing about? Like, what is this?

Because it was a woman and a man. Like, you know how they have the Indian duets of like, honey machine, honey, honey, honey. And then he's like, honey, honey, honey, honey. That's, honestly, I don't know. That's some of my favorite music. I really enjoy. Honey, honey, honey, honey. That's a really good version, actually.

I had an Indian stepdad for 17 years. You think I didn't hear that shit? Yeah. Anyways, I asked him like, what the fuck? What are they singing about? And he's like, oh, you know, just about love. Love things, things love. Things like love.

Like all foreign music is about love, don't you think? That's all they care about in other countries. And it's about love and kisses and holding hands. No drinking water in this country. Doesn't matter because we have each other. Praise God, Nash, we are so fucking poor. We have each other when Irish. That's not nice.

Oh, here we go. This is the back of the cab. Yeah, on the way back. From LAX. Excuse me, sir. I'm in Redondo. Sir, I don't know. You have to go further down.

Make a left up here, sir. Sir. I'll go the way I go. No, I don't want you to take the call. I'll go the way I go. No. I'll go the way I go. Sir, can you turn it down a little?

Please, I can't. I'm trying to make a phone call. Oh, that's my favorite when they make a phone call. When they do their phone call with their music on and they're going, you're like, hey, man, you turn this shit down and stop fucking talking. It's always in, like, Guyanese. And if you tell them where to go at that time,

they're always like, the fuck are you interrupting me? Like, I'm on the phone. I got my music playing. What are you doing? Right, it's your problem. Why are you interrupting me, man? What? What are you talking to, bro?

Oh, here we go. No, take the freeway. Hey, by the way, I feel comfortable playing this music because good luck getting a payment out of us. We're not sending you dirt-a-dirt. At 100 rupees, you owe me for playing my song. You played my song? The dirt-a-dirt and the dirt-a-dirt.

See? Love. Tonight, night, love. This is so good. Holy shit. What is he singing about, Tom? Just like, he's saying, I keep it real with you. Why aren't you keeping it 100 with me?

Oh, is this a Jodisi remake? This is the Indian version, right? Girl. What the fuck, man? I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I want to touch you, girl. I want to feel your skin on my skin.

This is really neat. Please, why are you doing this to me? Do you like it or no? This is why I started using Uber. I couldn't take this shit anymore. Five in the morning listening to fucking turkey, lurka-durka music, the smell, the incense and everything. Jesus Christ.

What's she saying? Bitch, I wanna fuck you. I don't think they're talking about the stuff we talk about, the dirty stuff. They're not allowed to talk about that stuff in our country. I guess not, huh? No. It's more innocent, I bet.

You think so? I think it's like holding hands, gazing into each other's eyes, walking along the Ganges, giving offerings to Ganesh. Stuff like that. They don't talk about vulgar stuff like we do. I'm trying to find my S&P notes from my comedy central. Okay.

Because I had a joke. Let's see. From the S&P. Oh, this is from them. I know it sounds weird and it may be a fine line, but we still need the Indian line to come out. The black line is fine. It's more defensible because it perceives stereotypical action

as opposed to innate personal quality like smelling. It's a fine line and I'm sorry, but silver lining. The black men line is fine. So let me get this straight, standards and practices. You can rag on black people, but not on Indians for being smelly. Being smelly? It's an intrinsic. The argument here is that being smelly is intrinsic to being Indian.

Exactly. Therefore you can't make fun of it. But every other quality, it's not intrinsic to black people so you can make fun of it. Is that so right? That's more racist to be like. These documents are the absolute funniest, by the way. Oh, your S&P notes?

Every time I've ever done anything, like this says, please bleep, shit fucking asshole, shitty dick. Asshole, shit, shit, fucking asshole, shitty, and dick. We need to lose the Indian smelling good. And that's the thing. We'll need to lose the joke about the Indian smelling good because I say it sarcastically. So I don't actually say it's just a sarcastic tone.

Right. But because Indians are inherently smelly, it's offensive. For those of you who don't know what S&P is, it stands for standards and practices. And they monitor everything that is said on network television and basic cable for that matter, which I don't understand since you pay for that. So why the fuck are they having a say in anything?

Yeah, no man, that's fine. So funny, speaking of television, I know you're super bum, Tommy, but shaky jeans got canceled. Have we talked about this yet? I don't think we have talked about it. I'm only a little bit bummed that I talk about him in my new special that's not out yet. So that'll be something I can surely catch some shit for.

But you know, whatever, it's fine. It's still, you know, it's still relevant by the time that that will drop, it'll be fine. Yeah. Yeah, I guess, you know, the viewing audiences were done seeing that as well. The tribe has spoken. The tribe spoke. No more shaky jeans.

There's still an Alzheimer's show coming out. Are you serious? Are you being serious? Yes. What's the show? I forget, but I read something about it and then I said, I'm just waiting for the Lou Gehrig's is the show where they go like, Dad, what's for lunch?

And he goes, okay. Can it start? Can it start Stephen Hawking though? Because he's like the most famous person that has. Yes. But the thing is that when they ask him something and he answers that way. Yeah. It's funny.

He answers with the speaking spell though. Right. And then, but the, if he tries to answer without a speaking cell, just by grunting the jokes there, people get to go. Oh, I get the joke. He can't talk. It comes out a certain way. That's hilarious.

That guy's, that guy's crippled. That guy's messed up and he's the punchline. There's the joke. Yeah. That really did bother me with shaky jeans that the illness always seemed to be the punchline. Like really, you can't just let him be, you know, the person he was. Here's my new sitcom pitch. It's called, oh my God, that guy's gay.

And it's a sitcom where it's like a locker room of football players. And then there's one guy who's like, I'm gay. And then it's about the homosexual panic in the NFL locker room. You, of course, are referencing. Yes. The fact that we've had our first ever pre-draft major prospect ever openly coming out saying he's gay before he enters the NFL. Michael Sam, the co-defensive player of the year in the SEC, all American from University

of Missouri, Missouri, Mizzou, he came out as gay, which was huge news over here. We've never had, like I said, an open athlete in the NFL, going in the NFL, or even a player. No one's ever said it in the NFL until they retired. Oh, that's when they come out with it. They've come out afterwards and it's only been a handful. And no current players ever come out and they've never also had a player from college, like a major player out of a major university come out and say, I'm gay before the draft, which is in April.

So it's big news across the board. And then there's a lot of people saying, who cares? Nobody cares. And you're like, well, you're saying that nobody cares, but people still care. Yeah, that's why it's still news. Right. The fact that it will be great if somebody says that and somebody goes like, really, nobody cares.

But the truth is, while everybody was speaking out about how it wasn't a big deal and they didn't care as long as you can play, executives on teams who spoke anonymously said that, like, yeah, it's not going to fly in our team. Which is so sad. And I was thinking about this and I don't know obviously much about football. So forgive me if I'm wrong here, but like, I understand the argument is having a gay player, it's so disruptive to the locker room culture where we're at in society. It's just too disruptive.

Right. I'm going to bring this negative attention to the team. To a certain degree, I have to say that I respect them saying that they think it's going to be an issue if they feel that way. In other words, yeah, I mean, like, look, I've never played in the NFL. I've never come close to that level. I know what guys in locker rooms are like, though, like I've been in enough. And I know that like that culture is hyper masculine.

And there is there is a lot of like crazy shit said, you know, it's almost like you have to watch yourself these days with with regards to religion and race. But it's still okay to say, um, drogatory things about gay people. So maybe this is like, this is basically a turning point. Is it going to be like, well, you know what, we have been talking like that. That's going to change. Or is it going to be like, you know what, that is not going to change. You're going to have to deal with it.

That's kind of like the issue at hand. But I was wondering though, uh, but so the argument again is it's a disruption to the team and it brings negative attention to the team. But don't players, haven't players historically done that like, like Ocho Sinko, like that guy brought nothing but negative, oh yes. So then that argument is so stupid. Like these assholes blow up, strip clubs, they're shooting, they're dealing drugs and beating up their wives.

So it's a difference yet, but then they reward him by putting him on teams. Like what the fuck, man? No, no, you're the argument about the press thing and like the, can we handle the distraction? Oh, it's ridiculous because you, there's always distractions. They're never, always these guys, you know, they're young. They, you know, some of them come from disadvantaged backgrounds and then they're giving money and they fuck up.

That's just how it goes. Yeah. And I want to be clear. Like I, I'm saying, I think that most people will cannot handle this. Yeah. And then they're, you know, there's a lot, there's a grown man, they're adults. But what I'm, I also am saying is that I, I respect the fact that people are voicing that they don't, if they don't know that everyone's going to be cool.

I think that's true. I think there are people that are going to be super uncomfortable with it. And I think they are going to be. Well, I think those are the minority. Yeah. It's, of course, it's a minority. And I think too, that it all comes down from leadership. If the boss says, Hey guys, guess what?

You're going to have a new player. You guys are going to have to fucking deal with it. Then guess what? The locker room deals with it just in the same way. I'm sure at one time black people weren't allowed to play football and someone went, Hey guys, guess what? You got a new black teammate and now look, and now look, they're all black. So maybe they're going to be all gay one day.

That'd be so awesome. If they're like the best team ever, like the gay black players are really the best, but you like they all wore like a paper thin pants. You can see the outline of their dicks and they had so much fun, a little bit of pre-com dripping out of it. And that's how they made the stick them on their hands to catch the ball. Come on each other's hands. Uh huh.

That's a good idea. Yeah, I like that idea for a second. That's a funny show too. We should pitch that show. The all gay football team. Yeah, but they're bad ass. That's the whole thing is they're not, they're not a feminine. That's, that's what we should do.

They should start an all, a separate team in the NFL just for gay guys. Yeah. And what we call them, like the wild, wild penises. How about the drip drips? I don't know. I think it's gotta be, it's gotta be a more aggressive name. The Thundercocks. How about like the prolapsed anuses?

Oh, that's a good one. Perforated colon. Why, why the butt immediately? Not all of them butt fuck each other. All right, knocking your teeth out with my dick. There you go. There you go. Hey guys, we've got a new team.

It's knocking your teeth out with their dicks. Choke on this. Uh, speaking of gay, somebody sent us this, uh, the heterosexuality experiment with this guy went around and he asked people in Austin how they would handle whether they're not, they would vote for a heterosexual as the president. And, um, there's a lot of people that there's an insane person coming up, but there's also people who are like, fuck. No, I'm not playing with that shit.

It's interesting. This is the heterosexuality experiment. Let's say president, president time's coming up. I love that he calls it president time. Can't say election president time. All right. This is a Joseph, Joseph a Costello on Twitter. President time is coming up.

It's hilarious. All right. You have to elect a new president. All right. Now, would you vote for an admitted heterosexual? No, no, one has to stay clean, man. Huh? That office has to stay clean.

No, I wouldn't, man, because I only get one vote, you know, yeah, I want my vote counts, you know, you don't want it to be wasted on the heterosexual. No. So what's your name? Quinn. Our question today is simple. Would you vote for an admitted heterosexual president? No.

Why not? Because I feel like he should be, I mean, God created everyone to be straight. So you wouldn't vote for a heterosexual president? No. Then he asked a guy who had a kind of, I would say, not the most welcoming answer. Based on this actual audio alone, you can have our for one. That's right. I think that homosexuals should be eradicated.

Much like Hitler, you know, how he tried to clean up society. I think that they should basically be put into gas chambers. Oh, wow. You guys want to start going to go back at the top? Drop napalm on them. If we could get them on the same type of group together, you know, in all, in all honesty, yeah, same thing with poor people. Yeah, I would like to see that happen to like North Runberg, East Austin, where

most of the trash lives. Yeah, I'm actually running for mayor of Austin, too. And I'm planning on trying to enforce that here in Austin to get rid of the LGBT population, you know, because it's like the animal kingdom. You know, if something's going with the defect, then pick it off from the rest of the herd, kill it, you know, so that way it can't reproduce and it can't contaminate the rest of the world. So he's left.

This guy's left is what he's saying. More of him. All right. So banana. This is Austin. Austin was pretty educated. I think, uh, to be fair, that was a pretty mentally ill guy. Yeah, you think so?

Yeah. The guy wasn't normal. Uh, his Hitler answer was a little, it's not on the normal side. It's not like I'm not comfortable with that or I don't like that. It's napalm and gas chambers isn't like a normal, you know, yeah. Okay. Um, what about, um, just like the new team, the Dix layers? Oh, there you go.

It took a minute and we got it. Um, they, they come on each other's hands so they can catch the ball with better stick them. Um, I might do this. Yeah. This is a pretty good idea. We were talking about this. We had a lunch the other day and Tommy ordered a fresh natural juice.

What did you, what did you order a juice? It was like a, it had like kale and had apples and yeah. And the gentleman who was making it took a while. He took a long time and we were waiting by the car. We were like, we had Theo with us and, um, he comes running out like big smile. Oh, here you go. It was kind of sweaty and he handed it to me and then he, he was like, here

you go. He smiled real big. Are you right? He was flushed. Yeah. Like a little, uh, I'm spent. Yeah. And we were like, what did you do to this drink, man?

Did you come in this? And then you go, maybe, maybe. Oh, um, the plan for us is to come and drink. I could do it. I don't know why this makes me laugh so hard, but the idea was a good idea. Yeah. We have a big board in the, in the room that you walk to the store and it's like a, it's a booth.

It's like an orange Julius, right? But there's pictures of different guys and you go, which guys come do you want in your juice and then they point to him, the picture. Like, oh, do you want like a big studly Puerto Rican? Yeah. Do you want like a thick black guy? Do you want like a nerdy white guy? Yeah.

They're all in the back. Asian guy, they're all in the back. Yeah. Hooked up to these hoses and they're, they're just coming for you guys all day. You know, they, they need their, their time. They need the room though. So you can't go meet them. And what we're doing is I'm back there jerking off into, I think I

can get out five a day, what I told you, five significant ones. You think, you really think five ejaculations per day? I mean, this is our business. I got to be committed to the business. Five days a week. Yeah. Oh, oh my gosh. Oh man.

I don't like it. I don't like that one. You don't like that one? It's gross. Yeah. It's supposed to be. Now I think 10 a.m. I get the first one is out.

Then 10 a.m. Is your first one of the day, huh? Right. And then I think I can get another one in pretty quickly. I think I can do the, yeah, I think I can repeat real quickly. And then I need a good break. This is my career. This is what I'm committed to.

You need like a lunch break and a nap. Yeah. So after, let's say the second one's out by 10 45, you know, and then I'm not going into one. Okay. Well, you make your demands. You know why you're the product, huh? Right.

This isn't like orange Julius where we can just whip up another batch. Like it's your secret. Yeah. And then three 30, I do the fourth one. Okay. And then there's an evening one. And then I go home. I have to record.

So the thing is though, is that that's not a ton of product while it's a nice amount, we just give you a little bit in each one. We give you like, like, um, not a dollop. Like, you know, when you go to Starbucks and like, do you want foam on your latte? And then they just like, they spoon like a dollop. Yeah. Is that like a, just a dollop of semen, but we'd have to use like a tiny spoon, like a tiny tea spoon.

Yeah. A little or a spoon. It's pretty. And we can make a good amount of drinks out of five of those. Yeah. And like, but the thing is you can order, it's a fruit juice also. But what if you want to, if you're willing to pay, you can be like, I want that whole load and we give you, we give you like a shot premium.

Yeah. It's pay like 500 bucks. Well, the whole point is that you're the shot of human protein. Like, you know, when you go to drink the protein, you want a protein shot? Right. Cause that's what we thought he gave us. It was an extra protein. So gross.

That there's nothing gross like guys coming. Yeah. Come on. I'm going to throw up. It's so gross. Men are so disgusting. Well, speaking of men being disgusting, it doesn't end there. You want a human protein shot?

Oh, Tom, crank out another one. Blow me up, Tom. Here you go. Take me out animal style. It doesn't end there. Jeans, the North Koreans are reporting that Dennis Rodman, who we, we did our own reporting on, and I had to say, I think we did a good job. We really, we, we took a lot of care of our Dennis Rodman reports.

We didn't, we didn't, you know, just throw it out there. We really watched over our Dennis Rodman. He, who came, we played, obviously he was very drunk. He came back and checked himself into rehab. Here's the news on, on Rodman. According to the North Koreans, Rodman was drunk the entire week of his stay. What? And the night before he left for the US, he was drunk, unconscious, and vomited

everywhere he turned. He even, he even urinated and emptied his bowels in the hallways of the hotel. He pissed and shit all over their hallway. Why, why, why, why, why says, yeah, watch this. Indeed. Um, here's what they're saying. The stench was just horrible and people are criticizing, criticizing not only Rodman, but also Kim Jong-un saying that no one in a right

mind would be a friend with Rodman, an animal that he is. Wow, calling the kettle crazy, aren't they ever? And they said he is not welcome back without completion of an alcohol abuse treatment program. Um, apparently the, the hotel staff was, uh, aghast mouth hanging open as they saw him urinating and shitting in their hallways. They'd never been around anything so horrendous. Um, yeah.

So Dennis Rodman, pooping and peeing in North Korea before he left. He, I bet takes huge dumps too. He's a big boy. Six, eight, I mean, you know, probably two 40 boozing it up all week. Those are some rotten. Oh yeah. When you're drinking, oh my life, you're drinking those poops are no good. I have an interesting question for you.

Do you think that somebody's poop is comparable to their size or are you going to play it like the dick detectives where somebody's, you know, what I mean, the penis isn't proportionate. I think you can't protect it. You can't predict the size of a dump. I don't think you can. I don't think you can. I think you want to, but you can't.

I wonder, because I wonder, I've never actually seen how much you produce. Yeah. But there are days where I'm like, I bet you this is comparable to Tom's. What I'm making is like a dude's level. You think so? Yeah. I can compete. You think so.

So you can shit that should be our. So you think you can shit. We force fed 10 Dennis Rodman's. Um, I can't believe that Kim Jong-un is like, this guy's not my friend. He does not act like somebody I can be friends with. I don't know if he's actually saying that. It seems like it's somebody else. I'm sorry.

He wouldn't say it like that. He would go, I can't believe a Dennis Rodman act so bad. No, nice. He know my friend. He know, he know who is that? What was that? Um, take a big shit. Speaking by the way, there's just, there's so much, uh, coming at us here,

but just to keep it real with you. Next up, Brown talk. Brown talk, come up. You've been warned. Uh, we got an email from Ricky. Ricky Carr says, brown emergency. I have been vigorously trying to squeeze out an emergency painful number one on the Bristol stool chart.

And me, any mommy advice on turning my ass into a slip and slide to release this brown into the porcelain beyond. Keep your jeans high and tight and stay black. Funny. You should ask because I have a lot of great pointers, uh, for you please. First of all, I cannot recommend enough the value of a good espresso machine. Even Starbucks doesn't make me go the way a homemade latte does. Can I tell you what I, I like about this?

Go ahead. You're, you're not sticking to what the medical community would advise somebody who's in a painful situation with their vows. You're saying, keep it caffeinated, go to coffee. I'm just guessing the doctors don't say that, but I like that. Go, go ahead. Look, do you want a home? I'm telling him number one, try that.

Okay. At number two, what's the thing that people drink what like old people drink to make them go brown? The drink prune juice, prunes, metamucil, metamucil. That's my father drinks metamucil daily. I got to be honest with you. Here's why I don't like metamucil. 12 pack.

That'll also force it out. Drink a 12 pack. My dad used to drink a 12 or every night after work. And then he woke up with diarrhea every morning. Did he have a problem shitting? Nope. Nope. Alcohol.

Yeah, beer, beer. None of this. I'm serious though. Number one, make it a latte. Go to Starbucks. If you don't have it at home, I understand it's a hassle. Get a double tall. I would go low fat milk latte, triple shot, you think?

Triple. Drink that up. If you're, if you don't go into psychosis, you're definitely going to shit. What if you don't shit after that? Okay. You're going to panic. You're going to sweat a lot after a triple shot, running around, get that energy. Number two, I would go for a poop soup.

Okay. The poop soup, the poop soup. This has, this is a no fail. I've recommended this to famous stars. Yes, I said it. Who have constipation problems. You go to your trader Joe's. Here you buy kale.

You buy peas. You buy cruciferous vegetables. I'm talking your broccoli's, your cauliflower's. She makes this all the time. Some carrot. I do this, I do this for this exact reason, son. Put it in a big pot, onions, cut up onions, garlic. Garlic is very good for pooping.

Put in some broth, chicken broth, just to cover those vegetables. Boil for 10 minutes. You eat about three bowls of that, you're going to shit. Oranges, eat oranges on an empty stomach. That mango, eat a whole mango, that'll make you shit. Am I forgetting anything? Metamucil, you know, here's my problem with metamucil. Too gassy, takes too long and you're too gassy.

What about this? Let's listen to this idea. Go ahead. A glass of prune juice. Okay. A triple shot espresso, whole milk latte. Why not go quadruple, quad? Quad, a quad latte tall.

So it's not as much milk. That's the key. Right. So make it a small size, quad, four shots, some milk. Then a bowl of poop soup. Yeah. If you combine those three things, you're shitting. Kellogg's total, that'll make you shit.

Are you adding this to the poop soup? That poop soup doesn't work. Go to your Kellogg's brand cereals, excellent. Yeah. Last resort measure. Beer. Beer, we already get the 12 at night. Okay.

You do your coffee in the morning, you get your quad shot, you do your poop soup, you do your cereal. Night, you drink a 12 pack. If you're not shitting by morning. You're definitely hospitalized. Definitely. If you're not shitting, you're in the hospital. A suppository.

I don't know if you've ever tried a suppository. It really works the quickest, actually. I'm very phobic of shoving anything up my bum cakes, but I got to tell you, I tried it once and you're going to shit. When did you try it? I was 26 years old and I didn't shit for a while. What about colonics? What if you're in this position and you go to get colonics?

I don't know. I've never done it and I can't speak on it. I'm really not a believer in it. Here's why. I'm not a believer. The human body is perfect as it is. You don't need to irrigate. You don't need to cleanse.

You don't need to shove tubes up anything. Okay. All you got to do is eat a lot of veggies and drink a lot of coffee and you're going to shit. You got my word on that. Yeah. You're going to like the way you shit. You're going to like the way you shit.

What do you say? What's your go-to when you can't shit? Well, I should, as I point this out, I should say that the king has come out with a new video. Wait, wait. Hold on. In the years you've known me... In the years you've known me...

You've never been constipated. No, it doesn't usually happen. Ten years we've been together almost. Actually, you know, I've probably had a few days here and there. I'm like, I always feel like a go-to is water. Water helps. If you drink your water. And then I was always a juice guy.

Whenever I... Juice. Yeah, I would have like orange juice. Yeah. Juice, juice, juice. Where is the juice when you need it? Juice, juice. Yeah.

You're going to get juicer. A juicer will make you shit. Juice will make you shit. And nowadays, you know what also makes me shit? Any like even minimal cardio followed by... No, followed by greens. Right. So if I go, I run work, any type of workout,

and then I have a salad, it's shit city. You've never had constipation. Interesting. Sorry. And you were mentioning the ass ripper has? King ass ripper, everybody on the show. Oh, I shouldn't say everybody. But a lot of you know that there is only one king.

King ass ripper who I... And I proudly say we brought him to everybody's attention. In the line. That's king ass ripper. You know, king ass ripper. He... There's the king. He came out with a new video.

He's wearing new blue, dark blue underwear. So check it out. Live leak. It is eight minutes long. Eight minutes. Different setups, different rooms, different positions. He just absolutely kills the fart game. There's really nobody quite like us.

Wow, I like that deep sound. That's one of my favorite setups that he does. That's where he puts the camera down on the ground. He angles it up and he walks away from the camera as he farts. So it's an action sequence. Really fantastic. I like the thumbs up too. That's fun.

Double thumbs up. Oh, shit, listen to this. He's farting against the door. There's beer bottles on the ground. Oh, damn. Still dropping the dams. Oh, shit, farting on my roommate's door. He's got a roommate now.

I got to meet the roommate. I got to see the guy. Oh, my God. I love the comments. They're like, not going to be so funny with that prolapse anus asshole. Like people, people really get mad at king ass ripper. That's what I find funny. People don't really respect his gift.

I think people feel like, I think there's a sense of competition. Like, oh, I could do that too. This is a new house. He definitely moved. He moved out of his folks house. It's all different rooms. Yeah. Wow.

Can you imagine you fucking, you get on the internet and you realize your new roommate is this. You have no idea that you know him, but you have no idea this is what he does. Like this is what Rick does. What? What? Is that you, Rick?

Only guy, by the way, who never even came close to responding to. Yeah. We really tried to get this guy. We did the full court press and he just, you know, didn't give, he didn't give a rip, if you will. Yeah. Now, did we, did you play the one where he farts on the pie? Yeah, that's the opening fart.

It's on an empty pie shell. It's really. Imagine being the roommate, eating your pie and then realizing what pie it is. I would say that you, Tom, had a really neat fart. When you got it from the couch the other day, it was like an action fart. Yeah.

That was pretty neat. I like action farts. They're pretty cool. Like, you know what? Let's try, let's try to get somebody else on the show. Okay. I just realized we've never really made a play for this guy, but you guys all remember CT Fletcher.

Remember him? Oh, he's the best. Yeah. He lives in Long Beach, so it's not that far from us. Oh, let's do it. Um, CT Fletcher to those of you who don't know. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That's not him.

That's that. He, uh, he's the, the guy that, that, uh. Grow, motherfucker. Yeah, grow, grow, motherfucker, grow. He has problems with people who don't, uh, work out the whole way. Let me, let me see if I can just give you a little taste. If you're not familiar or if you don't know, we've played clips of him before on the show.

But I just realized that, you know, that's been such a cool thing to have us all reach out to somebody together. How much fun would it be to have CT Fletcher here? Yeah, he's awesome. And he's pretty close. He would come to studio. Yeah. Which would be really neat.

That would be that. Is he on Twitter? Do we know? He is. I'm actually going to play a clip of him first. Man, you the bro. Yeah. You must, bro.

I'm the boss, motherfucker. I tell you what to do. You don't tell me. I told your ass to bro. Bro. What did you do in your mind say? Junior Mazda everybody. Shut the fuck up.

Get some bro and go on over here. I fucking love this guy. Yeah, me too. So his Twitter handle is CT Fletcher. That's C-T-F-L-E-T-C-H-E-R. And then the letters I-S-Y-M-F. It's still your motherfucking set. That's what that's from.

But it's CT Fletcher. I-S-Y-M-F is his Twitter handle. So can we do the same thing, guys? Can we tweet at this guy? And just, you know, again, hey, please go on your mom's house. Please do your mom's house. If he gets 100 or so messages like that,

he'll definitely be responded. Yeah, he's quite a character. This guy is, oh my God, I would love this. Can you actually play Tom or Black with CT Fletcher? You know what? That's what we haven't done. We haven't played Tom or Black with a Black person. But a Black guy on this caliber of Black?

That's what it's all about. He love it. Yeah. Now, oh my God, the fucking jeans unit shirt. Oh my Lord. It's out. Guys, guess what? The new shirt, it's up.

It's out. We've been working on this one a long time. We're so excited about it. It is a jeans unit shirt. You guys know jeans unit. That's what we're all in it together, all of us. Jeans unit. That was really good.

I heard you editing that earlier. It's a badass shirt. We had a great designer, Angelo designed a great shirt. It's the nicest shirt we've come up with as far as the quality of the shirt. Very soft. It's super soft. We did that on purpose. We did not go for the, what's it called?

What's the word I'm looking for, jeans? Discharge. We didn't discharge on this one. And the reason was to make it a super high quality shirt. Nice. Yeah, so. Yeah, it's super dope. The design's cool.

It's very, I don't want to say it's not subtle, but it's more like it's really fucking cool. Yeah. And there's a little YMH badge on the sleeve. Yeah, I like that. And the jeans unit, I don't know how to describe it. It looks, it's just, it's an awesome design. It's like, yeah, it's like the G unit.

Yeah. But we had it say jeans unit, which is so silly and fun. So you can get it right now. It's on, it's at the store on our site, your mom's house podcast.com. Click on the store. And check out the jeans unit shirt. It's fucking rad. It's so fun.

Yeah. I have it right here. I'm sitting on it right now. Actually, I'm showing you. Don't sit on it. I don't know where it's tomorrow. We could bring a few to Chicago, I guess. I'd love to.

I'll be so fucking. Look at it. It's so dope, dude. Yeah. It's so soft. I don't know why they don't make all shirts this soft. Oh, look at that. Yeah.

Yeah, it's so funny. It's got like gold, gold around it. And like, it looks like it's shiny. Yeah. It's really cool. It's so stupid to love it. It's a really good shirt. Yeah.

I'm proud of it. I'm proud of us all. These take a while, man. That's why it's exciting to get them up. Because you know, we talk about them. We come up with the concept, work with a designer. He does like multiple passes. And then you send it.

You have to pick your shirt quality. It's a whole, it's a whole thing, man. It is, dude. It's a whole birthing process. And now it's finally out. Yeah. So we, it's there. The bike shirts are there.

They're all there. So we appreciate you guys supporting by getting a cool kick ass shirt. Do a jeans. Yeah. I like that. Now I briefly mentioned it, but we got sidetracked. Your action fart from the couch.

Right. Right. I was sitting there, we were watching television and FIFO was laying on me. And then you got up and what happened? I got up. I leaned forward. That's, that's the sound it was.

Right. You know why? Because he's moving. I learned this from King. If you move, like most people when they fart, they'll lift a leg, you know, they lean up or they like stand in one spot and fart. But if you actually make a movement,

you can really have fun with pitch. And, you know, yeah, it's, it's pretty interesting. That's really neat. I really liked how you did that. Yeah. You stood up and you were wearing just your chonies. So it was like, I could kind of, kind of sense what was going on playfully under there.

Yeah. What I did was as I started to stand, just as I said, is when I started to fart. And so then when I stood up the whole time, the everything's moving, you know, and you get different pressure and, and you know, your cheeks move. It was pretty neat.

What was nice too is that as you were walking away from me to the kitchen, I also heard some bonus farts. It was like the good times kept going. And I really liked that. Thank you. Damn. Thanks for doing that, Tom. Yeah, no problem.

I hope our little doggy can dump in Chicago. I'm scared of that too. Yeah. I am. We got him booties like doggy booties. Yeah. And we tried putting it on Feef's front and hind legs. Yeah.

And he couldn't walk. He was terrified. He kept kicking his hind legs back like an acrobat. He was like, meh, couldn't do it. Yeah. Poor little buddy. How's he going to shit? I mean, do you think he'll figure it out?

I don't know. We're both we're worried about this guy's never been in cold weather, but I think animals just figure it out, man. I think they just know I got to go and they just go wherever. Well, I'm worried because in Columbus, when I had him with me and it was raining, he was so afraid of the rain that he wouldn't go potty.

He wouldn't even, and we had to get on a plane that day. I was like super panicked for him. I mean, he's fine, obviously, but I think he'll make it happen. If not, I'll just tell him to pee in your mouth. He'll pee in your poop on your chest like you like. This audio, I have an audio clip for you. You want to hear it? Yeah.

This is a guy who goes into get a Yiro. Oh, Gyros late night. You know, it seems like it's late night. I'm just guessing and he's got a lot of fucking attitude and he has an attitude towards a guy who's also waiting for his food. But the guy with the attitude you can tell is just like, you don't even know what the backstory is and you know, he's the asshole.

You know what I mean? Like when you're thrown into something and you go, I know who the asshole is here. But that's right. I think we're all out. Who's laughing at me? Just you, fuckhead. Get the fuck out.

Get the police. Hey, I just want my fucking food and this fat fuck to shut the fuck up. I mean, that's a, that's pretty aggressive to start with. Does he remind you of somebody? Maybe? You can fucking try me, Faso. Yeah, that guy, that guy's awesome. It seems like he's trying to imitate him and actually he's in,

that's in the name of the video. It's pretty crazy. That's pretty crazy, huh? He's like a wannabe Joe Pesci. I don't know what to get. I don't want to let it go. I want my fucking heroes. Heroes.

He's telling me to get the fuck out because I'm confident. Is it my fucking fault? Because I'm what? Because I'm carpet. Because I'm coppin'. Confident. Carpet. Coppin'.

I don't know. I want my fucking heroes. He's telling me to get the fuck out because I'm carpet. Is it my fucking fault? He's spit on them. Spit on the ground, though. It's my fucking moron, motherfucker. Moron.

What the fuck are you looking at? You want a fucking piece? 00:56:10,860 --> 00:56:12,860 You know what I'm saying? Then shut the fuck up and get your fucking food. Get the fuck out. You don't know what you're fucking with. Go ahead, look at me like that, motherfucker.

When you walk out, I fucking follow you. It's that fucking thing. That's good. Exactly. He's gonna get his ass kicked when he gets the fuck out of here. I mean, that's like, he's really fired up about this shit. You fed the fuck? Is it because I'm coppin'?

Did he comp them? I don't know, man. Is it who is it? Is it the guy selling the gyros? No, the customer also. Shit, I don't know what the fuck he's doing. You can fucking try me, fatso. He's really, really fired up.

I'm really fired up. Yeah, you are. You're gonna get your ass fucking kicked. This motherfucker. Man, he shouldn't have shut the fuck up when he shut the fuck up with me. He fucked with me. I do provide. Bring the fucking cops.

I do provide. Bring the fucking cops. Come on, man. I just want my gyros and you shut the fuck up. Come on, go get him, man. Come get him, man. They are like, other people are trying to keep this guy to stay reasonable. Like, people are like, dude, just...

He's like, eh, maron. And you could tell that he's such a... Anybody that had... I feel like talks like this is not gonna back it up. Yeah, he's all talk. This guy's a big talker. He continues. I mean, he doesn't know when to stop.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. And you just gotta be like, no, you told me to get the fuck out of here because I was coughing. I could cough where the fuck I want. Coughing, coughing. I was coughing. I can cough where the fuck I want. Yeah, you told me to get out of here because I was coughing.

So he must have... He was like, hey, man. Ugh. Yeah. But he's really putting on like, he's doing the act, you know? Yeah. He's talking like he is fucking peshy. Yeah, totally.

Fucking sake, man. You said fuck. Hey. Yeah? Come on. You want the fucker? Yeah, exactly. No, I ain't a fucking problem.

I was fucking minding my own business when this little motherfucker started. Give me my fucking euros. I'm out of here or I'll follow this fat fuck and I'll fuck him up. Wow, he's watched Goodfellas one too many times. A lot of times. A lot of times. That's so retarded. How is he young?

He looks like he's 30s. Oh, what a weird beard. Yeah, I think, yeah, I think he's actually late 30s. But the other guy, the guy who's calling a fat fuck hasn't pulled out his move yet. His gangster move. Oh, okay. You ready for it? Okay, yeah.

All right, we'll wait for it. All right, let's see how it ends. Let's laugh. You watch when I follow this fuck and I fuck him up. Because I'm stupid like that. Ah, Joe Casci. Yeah, yeah. I'm fucking stupid.

I'm stupid like that. You shouldn't have fucked with me in the first place. That's fine. I'm in the district attorney area. I don't give a fuck who the fuck you are. He's district attorney. Oh, snap. You fucked up.

I fucked up. You're noticing that? You fucking give a fuck. No, you fucked with me. Didn't you fuck with me? Did you not fuck with me? Did you not start with me or what? Did I fuck with him?

Did I fuck with him? Who started this shit? This is when you pray for either somebody who is super violent and can kind of direct their violence in some direction that you pray for. You're like, you want a super violent guy who's bigger to come in and fuck him up. Yeah, like Tony Soprano. He's gonna be like, shut the fuck up. Or I wish some loose cannon cop was in there and just lost his shit on this guy.

I really wish it would happen. Like a robo cop would come in and then shit everybody's dicks off. Shoes, dicks off. That's so great. You were laughing so hard at that. Yeah, that was really good. There's a robo cop. Let's call the robo cop like remake.

These guys, it looks amazing. Yeah, it's so funny. And like the robo cop looks like robo cop and he comes in and some girls getting like attacked by two guys and he just shoots the heads of their dicks off. Like everybody and there's all these rapists walking around with their dicks out and he shoots everybody's dick. The dick heads off. That's really funny.

Yeah, I wish robo cop would come and shoot this guy's dick off. Yeah, that'd be funny. It's so stupid to be this punked out. I mean, is he on drugs? Is that what this is? You know, the older you get to, the more you just want shit to be cool. You know, I used to be so angry too in my 20s and now I just want stuff to be nice. You know what I mean?

Just everybody just fucking be nice to each other. Guys, you heard it here. Just be cool. Just be cool, bros. Yeah, we love you. Thanks for listening to this show. Oh, I love you. Let's have dinner.

Let's make salmons. Your mom's house podcast.com. Cop that new jeans unit show. Oh, I know. Change the name. Oh, and guy who needs to take a number one. Number one shit. Let us know how that goes.

Yeah. Yeah, follow up on us and we'll leave you again with Felix Falcons. The full charge is the main mommy. Here we go. We've had a little bit of an argument going. Oh, like who's the main? Who's the main? I'm the main mommy.

The main mommy. Me. I believe the main mommy. I qualify. Could be the main mommy. Main mommy. Christine is the main mommy. Did you know that?

Speaking of main mommy. And it's the main mommy. There you go. So you fart more. You wear more jeans. I think this is always going to break out in a tie. No matter what you bring up, you can bring out this and you guys just going to have to be the moms together.

That's true. You know, this is what you agreed upon. Anyways. See someone reasonable just came in the picture. Right. Whatever. Left to agree to mom agree. Yeah.

Which makes me the main mommy. Whoa.