Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 198-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 20, 2014

No more juice for the Main Mommy. Tommy drank something gnarly which made fluids come out of all of his holes - which delayed today's ep. Buns is farting and puking and sweating, but he's still here for you. What if you have no teeth, but you love certain sex acts? You shouldn't hide in shame, you should make songs about it. Leon Lewis knows what we're talkin' bout! Oasis was one of the biggest bands in the world at one point and then it all fell apart. Now, former guitarist Noel Gallagher hates all of the videos they made and so much more about himself and the audio about it is priceless. Plus your Would You Rather's and more!

The Nightmare Recon You're kissing now! The Nightmare Recon The Nightmare Recon Don't, don't kiss the shark-easers! Don't kiss... No, don't kiss us! Oh my god!

Holy... Shark Week. It's a bad week. You're supposed to be my niggado! I almost feel guilty laughing at that. It's too good. That was a ghost crew. Holy mo- We gotta play that again in the show. Oh, definitely.

And that track's called Shark-Easers Week. That was fantastic. Wow, guys. Pretty amazing. So listen, are you in Orlando? Do you want to see me perform stand-up? I'm there. I'm there this week. This Thursday through Sunday at the Orlando Improv. Do it after Disney World.

Yeah. I'm gonna spend all day at Epcot, and then I'm gonna do shows at night. And then, the next week, I'm going to be at the San Jose Improv February 28th through March 1st. That's only Friday and Saturday night. Very limited edition. Come on Saturday because I'm taping an hour

to submit for stuff. It's a long story. Just come over. Okay. Just come over. Come here. March 6th or 9th, Denver, Improv. But more importantly, most importantly, your mom's house live at the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York, March 13th. The links are up on your mom's house,

podcast.com. And also, March 14th, we go to Brooklyn again to do stand-up at the Knitting Factory. You can get a discount on the Knitting Factory ticket by buying it online right now. Go get it online. Get it now because you get a cheaper rate on that.

And then March 15th, we do your mom's house live at Woodlands Backyard in Columbus, Ohio. So there you go, guys. And then March 20th, we go to Cobb's Comedy Club. We're doing the podcast only. So get your tickets for that as well, Cobb San Francisco. We just added the 21st.

The 21st here in LA. We're gonna do Comedy and Magic Club at Hermosa Beach. Hermosa, meaning brother? Exactly. Wow. Your brother's Comedy Club. Your brother's Comedy Club.

So that's it, Jeans. What about you? Obviously, all those. Plus, I'm going to Charlie Goodnights in Raleigh, North Carolina, February 27th, Port Angeles, February or March 5th,

and Tacoma Comedy Club with Ernie. Ernie? That's cool as shit. Yeah. Guys, listen. Wow. Took everything out of me to say that. You've had a really long

24 hours. How are we going to do this show today? I have no idea how we're going to get. I hope we get through this without you vomiting or pooping. But we'll talk about that later. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I also wanted to give a shout out

of that instrumental that we played. It was called, Jee Jee Jee Jee Jeans Unit. Who was by Mr. Cowanburg. Thank you, Mr. Cowanburg. Thank you, Mr. Cowanburg. All right, you ready to do the show, Jeans? Let's get into this man. Let's do this.

Push the cus a light step to all you bitches who love to come. Look in my mouth, no teeth. Straight go. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this.

No mom in the fucking stand. Welcome, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. Christina Positski. Welcome to your mom's house. Poor Jeans.

You barely played the drums on that intro. Yeah. You're sweating just a little bit right now. I have a fever. Sorry, I don't mean to laugh. No, it's fine. It's been an intense 24 hours in the Segura stead. Look,

if there ever was a show to discuss what happened, it's this show. Oh my god. But first, can we address this clip? Did he at the end say no teeth, straight gums? Yes. It's an amazing clip.

And how does that go? Why is it all gums? He's making his own video of his home holding his phone. And he really loves to eat pussy, that's what his song is about. No, I got that part, yeah. And then he says to all the ways he'll ever come

look at my mouth, no teeth, and then he straight gums, and then he opens his mouth and he has no teeth. And he really loves eating pussy though a lot. Sounds like it. How old is he? I'm going to guess in his 40s. Any...

He's eating pussy. That's how I dig him. A real nigga eating pussy because of love cat. A real nigga sucking pussy because of life step. To all you bitches who love to come look at my mouth no teeth, straight gums.

Step the pussy out. Now drop it down on low. How you know all the pussy then come back for more. I never get enough. So stop bitching. I'm going to keep licking from age 18 to 50

to 93. I'm a candy liquor bitch. Some will do me. And I ain't gonna worry about it. I'm number one man. Pussy melts in my mouth. Not in my hand. I know you're wondering why your bitch won't let you

eat the cat. She said he gums good to her. She love that. I'm Leon Lewis. Like he's intimidating the way he talks about eating. It's a little aggressive. And also I'm not sure

that no teeth is a selling point for eating pussy. I don't know that that's... Yeah, I'm not sure I want a mouth with no teeth on my vagina. You like the teeth on your vagina. Well not the teeth, but just not the bacteria. It sounds like...

How about when somebody looks up somebody me and looks up, you'd like to see that they have teeth. I don't know, it's just more attractive on guys when they have a full set of teeth or just some of their teeth even. Does he have any teeth or we're on zero teeth?

It's hard to tell. He might have a few molars left. But you know what? He doesn't have a lot of teeth. But this is what we call spinning it to positive. He may not have teeth, but he's still got his tongue.

And he's going to use that tongue. Good for him. And you know what else is really good? I really feel this way. If you're really into something sexually, it usually happens with older people. Put it out there.

You got to broadcast it. Let it be known. Take your shots, people will shoot you down. But somebody's going to be like, I love guys with no teeth to eat my box. It's kind of like the secret. Remember the secret video? The law of attraction.

And if you put it out there, look, I don't have teeth, but I got a tongue that loves pussy. Who wants this? And somebody's going to be like, I want that. An 18 to 50, that's his age range. That's pretty broad. And I got my raps.

I love music. Did you notice he goes 18 to 50, and then it skips to 93. That's what he's been eating pussy for. I've been eating since 18 to 50 tonight. I'll never stop eating pussy. That's what he's saying. This charity that I work for will never be without me.

That's really what he loves. He just loves to do that. There's a lot more left. I haven't had a chance to actually listen to it. So this is my first. I'm Leon Lewis. Candy liquor. Eating pussy.

That's how I dick him. A real nigger eating pussy, cause a little cat. A real nicker sucking. I lick him good when I lick down between them thighs. That 14 pussy, it helps keeps me alive. They always smiling.

They happy. They don't never frown. 30 years eating pussy. Game 50 pounds. Dude, my nigger, it like I'm eating steak. Can I come to your house with your girl on my plate? I guarantee I make your bitch want to leave home.

Ask her why. She'll tell you my tongue is so long. It's hard to listen to. I got to say though, he's not bad. He's a good rapper. I mean, he's not a bad MC. He's got some lyrics.

His raps are okay. I mean, what do I know about? I'm enjoying it. It's a little hard to listen to as a woman. It's a little hard to look at as a human. What does he look like? He's bald. He's got sunglasses on in his house.

He's holding the phone up to himself. Does he live in a nice house? I can't tell. It looks alright. Has he made a living eating pussy? I think so. He's gained 50 pounds. He's been eating it for so long. It's so gross. It's so gross, man.

Shout out to Leon Lewis, man. Isn't it a thing in the black community that they don't... That's a thing, right? There's either dudes that are like, I love it, or dudes are like, Nah, I don't fuck with no pussy. It's a very hard line.

Oh, yeah. Well, you know. You know how they are. What? You know how they are. As a strong black man, you would know. I heard that more as a kid. As a kid, that was like a thing

among black friends and then certain rappers would be like, Nah, I don't eat pussy, man. Yeah, like rappers would be like, That should disgust him. NWA would be like, Nah. We ain't doing that. It smells like fish.

That's the thing, right? It's demeaning or something. Yeah, but I think, you know, I just playing that up. I don't think that's real. He's real. He told you I'm real. Yeah, I like real. I'm down with real.

Yeah, and that's why he eats so much pussy. He eats so much pussy, this guy. But I don't know, those who sing about it, usually, if you're singing about it, you got time to sing about it and not eat pussy. Those that do, just do. They don't have time to write songs about it.

How special is that? That's the song that he made. Oh, I love that guy. Man, this has been a long day. How are you feeling? How are you holding up? So why don't we tell everybody what happened? Yeah, big day yesterday. God damn. Yesterday was a big day.

It started off great. I went to a big mom edition. You did a huge audition, yeah. You were helping me prepare in the morning before I leave. Yes. So you get a call, hey, can you come to CNN?

Yeah, I know, so random. So I guess it was Jimmy Fallon's first night doing Late Night, and they wanted a woman to talk about why there's no women on Late Night. And I was like, yeah, fuck yeah, let's do this. See, I get the call from CNN

at 9.45. They're like, can you be in Hollywood at 11 a.m.? In traffic, it takes about an hour to get there. So I frantically get ready, I run down to CNN. Of course, the segment lasts 30 seconds. She asked me two questions.

Yeah. But it was so fun, and it was super easy. The weird thing is they sit you in a booth alone. You know when you see those correspondents, they literally sit you in a tiny room alone, and then they've given you an earpiece. And you know how annoying it is when you watch

so big on CNN, and there's a time delay, and they're always waiting for the person to start. You know what I'm saying? I didn't want to be that person that's the time delay person. What's that? Yeah, and you're like, dude, it's a fucking delay. Just talk. Talk when you hear the voice in your ear.

So it was fun. I think I did okay. You never know. You just hope that you don't sound like retard. But it was cool. It was me and then this other media expert guy. And they were like, how do you think Jimmy Fallon did? And this guy was like, I think he did great. And then I had to be like, I think he did great.

Jimmy Fallon's amazing. He's a talented guy. You can't be like, hey, I don't give a fuck about Jimmy Fallon. You have to be like, this is amazing. It would be fun if you're like, I thought he sucked. It would be exquisite if I could say that on CNN. Bullshit. I don't mind Jimmy Fallon.

I'm sure he's fine. He's fine. Do I prefer the Carson days of the Tonight Show? Absolutely. Do I prefer that my late night host be womanizing drunks? Most definitely. But we can't go back in time. We can't go to the golden age when America was allowed to

be, you know, not perfect. So I like that too. Cigarette smoke. Don't you miss that shit? Booze. Yeah. Ed McMahon just blitzed out of his mind. Talking about, you know how much pussy Carson crushed by the way? They probably would sing the Leon Lewis song. Carson could

wrote that song. Dude, he was. Because I like that. Yeah. Johnny and I ate pussy on the regular. We're probably eating all kinds of but we take our teeth out and suck your pussy's dry. Yeah, even Letterman.

I mean Letterman's a bit of a coos. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, he's talking about fucking chicks at work. Yeah, son. He had a little room up there. Yeah, he had like a fuck den. Yeah. The Letterman show. It's great. So anyway, I did CNN drove home. You and I

had an hour to kill. So we went on a delightful bike ride. And and then the mistake was made. Walk us through it. You say we bike to Trader Joe. Yes. You're going to go in there and get the

groceries and groceries. Yeah. So chicken breast for dinner. Get a little potatoes and whatnot. So as I'm waiting, you're like, Oh, go get a coffee. I got no one coffee. I got a job. But you wish you got that coffee now, huh? Man.

Why am I departing from my go to, which is coffee? Damn decisions. So, you know, we're on a bike ride. I'm like, look at Jamba Juice. And I go in there and I know that most of them are like fruit, but I see that one is fruit and veggies. I'm like, that's what I need to have the combination.

So they have I'll pull it up. So let's see what's in. You got greedy. You're like, I'm going to do both genres in my mouth. Yeah. Yeah. It's called I think it was called Apple Green.

Hmm. What color was it when it came out? What color was it when it came out? Let's say, you know, what's in it? It has what's

in it? Carrots, spinach, bell peppers, kale, and apples. Bell peppers? What it says. Jesus fuck. I don't know. I just thought I was doing like, that's the smart

healthy thing to do. And it is. Yeah. So, I did that. God damn it. Ah. I bet you wish you had the bar stocks. Man. Yeah. What else is in there? So you got your kale,

pepper, which is green vegetable juice, carrot, spinach, bell pepper, kale, spirulina, lettuce, peaches, mangoes, bananas, and ice. So like everything. Yeah. It's everything.

Um, can I tell you my theory on, so anyway, so what happens we, you drink your Jamba. Yeah. And the thing is, you know, I, um, then we leave, I started going to, uh, therapist. So I go to therapy now. Um, because I'm

jealous of your insight. Okay. Um, very positive. I do positive affirmations. Uh, very success oriented. I was on CNN yesterday. Go ahead. So I went to there with my Jamba juice and it wasn't bad or anything, but it is

unusual that I don't finish a drink. I always drink everything. Yeah. Very quickly too. Yeah. So I remember I was sitting there and I was like, just not into it. No, it didn't taste bad. I just didn't. Something was telling you something. Yeah. Eat this. Yeah. And I was like, can I throw this away? I remember asking and I threw it in trash can.

I probably drank like half of it. See, that is weird for you because you usually just wolf everything down like a bear would. Yeah. And then bears just go, Oh, that didn't taste good. And then they, but they don't think about it as they're doing it. Right. But it didn't taste bad. I should point that out.

Like they'll, yeah, they'll eat a car seat and then be like, Oh, I shouldn't have food. Yeah. Yeah. That's usually how you approach food. So. Okay. So you're, you're in your shrink's office and do you feel anything at this point? Slight discomfort. In your bowel or in your stomach?

I feel like I got a shit a little bit on our couch. Look, are you sitting there? No, I was like, I'd like to fart right now. Like that kind of thing. In the office. Yeah. And do you fart? No. Okay. Walk me through this. I go to the lobby to leave. They have a bathroom there.

I consider shitting there. I'm like, no, I'm not going to shit here. And then I go to, uh, I drive home and oof. I get back.

I think I take kind of a runny shit. Yeah, you come home and you didn't look okay. You were very sad and tired and I thought, oh, maybe he's just tired because we had a long morning and you went to take a shit and you're like, oh,

this isn't right. And then you lay down for a nap, which is really unlike you in the middle of the day. Yeah. And then a little while later, what were we doing? We're getting ready for dinner or something?

So it was kind of the nighttime and we were going to do our show actually. And I was like pulling clips and editing down this thing we're going to play. And then you're like, oh, I don't feel good. And you were like burping a lot. And, um, yeah, you, you can't, you slept for a long time. I mean, shit, you slept like two

hours, I think, came out of the room. I'm in the living room and then you're like, oh, I'm so thirsty and you start drinking water and then belching a lot. And I'm like, maybe you shouldn't, in my head, I just think, you know what I'm saying? Maybe you shouldn't force the burps out so much. You know what I mean? Like, kind

of let it simmer and then you get up and you just walk and then you kind of spontaneously vomit in the kitchen sink. I vomited so intensely. And there was so much. Oh, okay.

Go ahead. I kept wanting to be done and I kept saying like, but mind I'm like, there's no way there's more and then another bout will come. It's hard for me. You know how hard I don't want to make this about me. This is not about me. But you know my phobia. I was watching the Sopranos.

I'd like turn the volume up. I had to cover my ears as you were doing it because you did it right in the kitchen and our living room is right there. And I'm like, oh my God, I'm just barfing in my kitchen sink right now. Yeah. I'm so sorry. And I didn't want to give you any,

you know, grief. I won't. You can barf in your sink whenever you want. Yeah, well, go ahead. So there's a came out a lot. I felt better. Yeah. And then I started having shits like diarrhea shits.

Now walk me through this. Are we talking a number six? Is it fluffy pieces with ragged edges and mushy stool? Or is it a seven watery with no liquid pieces entirely liquid? No, it's probably a six. Okay. So there's some feathery, ragged pieces as it says.

Then I lay down try to get comfortable and then I I sleep for like a little bit and then I'm still uncomfortable. Yeah.

I feel like, you know, little weird pains and I think it's gas and I go in the back, I go in the kitchen and I puke all over the sink again a second time. So much though. Okay. Like it was like so much. I couldn't believe I thought there was nothing left

after the first time, you know. Sure. Was it green? Was it the color of the Jamba? Oh yeah, it tasted like the Jamba. Oh, don't you hate that? Yeah. You'll never be able to have Jamba juice again. No. Nor do I want to. Oh, fuck them. So then you vomit again

and then I forget what happens and we we give you a toast, I think. Yeah. And then I tried to watch the Milner matchmaker that didn't work out. No. Didn't like that. I was still uncomfortable. And then you went to sleep

when you slept for like a million hours. Poor jeans. And then I woke up this morning, I was sweating a lot took my temperatures like a hundred and one. Oh, jeans. My poor bear. I hate seeing my bear sick.

There's nothing sadder for me than when my bear is low-key and sad. I just hate it. Are you okay now, jeans? Yeah. You feel a little bit better? I'm just fatigued, you know. Yeah. I'm just worn out. I know. That's food poisoning.

But you know what, your body is getting rid of whatever the fuck is poisoning you. And that's a good thing. It's exhausting. But on the upside, you're probably going to lose a few pounds, you know. It's a nice diet. Every fart now every fart

is like Russian roulette. It's a little dicey. Yeah. If I feel a fart coming, I automatically go to the bathroom. Smart. Sit down and fart just to make sure there's no extra cheese with that fart. You know?

Yeah, you gotta you gotta really take it easy on that. Poor jeans. You know, it's funny how we travel a lot and we eat in a lot of places. We eat sushi a lot. We're very daring eaters and it's so fucked up that like

ajamba juice will take you down. Something so bullshit is like ajamba juice. But I'm thinking, you know, I bet you because it's a lot of raw things, like, you know, bacteria really grows on like sprouts easily. You can get salmonella from

from sprouts from from vegetables that have been, I don't know how, but they sit around and maybe they're improperly washed or something. I'm almost certain that's the veggies. The veggies, yeah. The veggies of that juice.

For sure. Now, you had but earlier that day you said you went and you had like a bagel sandwich or something. Yeah, but that was so much earlier and it didn't, it wasn't like didn't do it. No, you would have had a reaction to that by the time that juice came

around. Yeah. Let's see. Four hours, more than four hours between the two. Yeah. Well, doctors will tell you it could be anything you ate in the last like 24 hours. That's true. But I doubt that. I feel like it's whatever you had an aversion to as you were eating it.

That tends to be my the last time I had food poisoning I made a beef spaghetti at home. This is like in 2000, maybe just 2000. Jesus, that long ago? Wait, no, sorry, 03 and I made beef spaghetti at home

and I remember eating a huge bowl of it and then just sitting on the couch being like, huh, I feel very full. I feel uncomfortably full. Did I eat that much? And I think it's your stomach making mucus, your guts because it's fighting whatever the fuck is

in you some poison. And I just I kept fighting the urge to vomit all night because I'm so afraid of vomiting and then finally around 5am I was like, just let it go. Just let it rip, Christina, you got it. And I remember I puked up all this red and beef at 5am.

You know, you're like, oh, it took me about I would say good few years before I touched beef marinara sauce. Do you think it was bad beef? It was bad bolognese, yeah. Unless it was just like the stomach flu, which it could have been a 24 hour bug. I don't think what you have

is a bug because I would have had it by now because we spent the last week together. No, it's the food. Yeah. My turn. Well, fuck Jamba Juice. I heard Brant Tobler got sick off of Jamba Juice too. Really? Yeah, somebody tweeted that like that Brant had it as well.

So there you go. It fucked me up bad. Yeah. Well, at least we got to get in a sushi meal before that. It's true. We went to our sushi lady and they're closing. Did we share this news? I don't remember if we did. Yeah, our sushi

bar is closing, which is disastrous. And she was there and she's much nicer to us now. She doesn't give us any kind of static. No. And I noticed that the Japanese people, the table next to us ordered a boltload of sushi too and she didn't give them any shit for it. None.

Fucking bitch. Now she's kissing ass because they're closing. And I guess she wants people to come as much as possible before they close. I know. Now she's all fucking. It's so sad. It is sad. Where else are we going to eat? I trust them so much

and they're so reasonably priced. You're right, Jeans. Yeah. Are you sad? I love you. I love you too. Thanks for bringing me, you brought me flowers yesterday. That was nice. Before you threw up everywhere. It was before Chamba Juice.

Before the JJ took you down. That's a poo now? No. Are you in pain? No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. Let's talk about this clip you pulled. So I found this on Facebook.

A friend of mine posted this as we were flying. First of all, let's talk about Chicago. How amazing was Chicago? It was the shit. It was fucking bananas. We had so many mommies come out that we decided we're going to add Chicago to our podcast tour.

It was crazy. Valentine's Day was very sweet. Tommy and I don't really celebrate it. We don't fucking believe in that shit. But anyways, we were taking off from Chicago. I didn't think we were going to get out because it's a huge storm hit just as we were taking off and I was like, oh fuck.

It was funny to me that so many of the listeners were like, oh, I thought there'd be more listeners here. There was tons. We were like, what are you talking about? We did six shows. Every show had at least 50 or more.

50 mommies. We were expecting the snow. I had no idea there would be so much snow in our poor doggy jeans. We took him with us. Poor Theo couldn't take a shit. He had never seen snow before. So we put little booties on him and everything. He couldn't walk.

It was so cute. His little hind legs. Yeah, he finally gave him some shit on some pavement. But that was ridiculous. So anyways, I'm flying out of Chicago and just as we're like taking off, I'm watching this video that someone sent. And it's Noel Gallagher of Oasis

making commentary on like a DVD. And someone had edited down the best highlights of his commentary of their own videos. Yeah, so it's basically he is watching all of the old videos at the height of their fame.

At the height of their fame. Yeah, and commenting. And commenting on those videos they made. And then I edited down, it's a 10 minute thing, so I edited down even further to just a few of the highlights. Take a listen. I laughed so hard at this. It's funny. I'd kind of grown out

of the video experience. Quite quickly. By the third one it was just like this is a load of bollocks. Standing around all day doing the same old shit. 500 times. That would be weird. It seems like this guy was just making it

up as he was fucking going along. This bit where he was saying we should bury the drum kit. And I was saying, why don't we bury the drummer? And he was like, yeah, yeah, we'll fucking bury the drummer. And I was like, wow. It's how easy this is. He's just fucking randomly suggesting

on some people's going filming. It's funny. I'd kind of grown up. Fuck, I fucked that up. The funny thing, to people who don't know, you should give them a little background on Oasis. Right. I mean, the band exploded in popularity

at one point and they were, you know, by a lot of people, I mean, everyone has their preferences, but we're labeled like this is the best band right now. I lived in England actually the year that Oasis kind of blew the fuck up. It was like 96, 97. And Wonderwall had just come out

and you couldn't go to a pub in the UK without that song playing without that entire album because they're all like really like hooky heavy songs and they're great drinking anthems and you, they were just

the most enormous band and of course the Gallagher brothers or the, you know, Noel is like the frontman and Liam, I guess, is the other Gallagher and they completely unraveled because they're major alcoholics, major drunks. And so you can kind of see this when you listen to him talk about

what they're doing at the time. He fucking hates himself and he hates the process and it's so crazy. And they basically, the band went apart when they shouldn't have because of the brothers hating each other and talking met

and like they just couldn't get along. Like they fought so much. And keep in mind like, okay, that year that Oasis was huge in the UK the other leading acts, I remember it was like a shitty band called Take That I believe which is like some dumb boy band

Robbie Williams had a huge song called Millennium and Spice Girls were kind of waning a little they were kind of like kind of whatever so I mean this is a huge time in England and yeah couldn't be more famous these guys and this is his perception of

now looking back on That'd be weird but it seems like this guy was just making it up as he was fucking going along because this bit where they were going to he was saying we should bury the drum kit why don't we bury the drummer

and he was like yeah yeah we'll fucking bury the drummer and I was like wow it's how easy this is he's as fucking randomly suggest nonsense of people who's going to film it fuck me there's a lot of Badeedas going on in here no I was fucking drunk

this video look how pissed I am there that's me really pissed I remember sitting down in the middle of this these guys were big time boozers right huge booze bag that's part of the reason is that they'd be so drunk they can't perform

they couldn't go on and they also fucking hated each other's guts so funny that's such shit like when you're not in it I think everybody has the same position you're like fucking figure it out this is the height you can't get any more popular

just figure it out man you can't go to the Beatles at one point because their music was so the hooks were just so catchy and very Beatles-esque and they even said it later we basically ripped from the Beatles the formula of what they were doing

and god damn it they couldn't be any more famous but they were young I love his self loathing it just gets better and better straighter thing might have been on edge where I rolled somewhere I was asleep

at a bus stop and then going there the clothes I went out the night before I remember Liam being furious that day because I think it's the one time I've been more drunk than he is do you never get involved with the idea

the way he was furious because that was the one time I was more drunk than he was it's hilarious who's this asking the question here I'm assuming this is like the sound guy so Noel Gallagher is watching these videos so this is like DVD commentary extra and he's watching and I'm feeling the sound guy

is like well did you ever come up with any of the concepts for the videos was what the sound guy just asked I might have been more drunk than he is do you never get involved with the ideas no I I fucking hate videos I hate everything about

I hate the fact that they cost the fortune I hate the fact that you've got to be there at 8 in the morning I hate the fact that you don't leave until 8 the fucking next morning I don't like the fact that the people who are making them think they're fucking making apocalypse now

and everything is the most important this is the really important shot and this bit we're going to fucking bollocks it's nonsense and even then it was alright because there's like the chart show and all that do you know what I mean you fucking watch his videos these days no one

I like fucking con if you ask me that's so great alright fucking con who watches videos these days alright fucking con but they're making so much money just so much I saw them in Australia even

when I was doing road rules we got to go to an Oasis concert and it was like just a stadium full of people and he's like I fucking hate making videos you're making so much money who cares just hold the guitar just fucking pretend

I love when people are honest about it 8 the fucking morning till 8 the next fucking morning cost too much it's so great I could listen to this guy all day so funny keep going it gets better fucking that's probably the last time I ever had my

I can't begin to tell you how pissed I was I was shit faced these videos if you need four guys to walk around in slow motion we were the best of that cause that's all they were these Oasis videos were like the stone roses at the time

we're doing the same thing it gets better yeah maybe the motorbike's rushing to the radio station to say stop this is shit fucking hell done that a few times is that a man with

legs made of sausages that's not real someone's having a fucking I know for a fact that's got nothing to do with this song so at one point there's an animation of a man with sausage legs and that's what he's like that's a fucking man with sausage

legs I know for a fact that's got nothing to do with this song it's so stupid this goes how stupid music videos are he's right there's not there's a very few that are like awesome they're so fucking stupid yeah a man with legs made of sausages

fucking hell oh lord that's good lord no it's horrible what are you talking about that's not real jumping out of that place what about pigs don't fly and never say die that's surely somebody why did somebody fucking stop me at that point

he's gone all holiday oh this is fucking this is another pain can we listen to this with the sound down I'm very uninspired at this point you know I was we shouldn't have really made this album if I'm being if I'm being honest

I mean walking and walking in videos is somebody's sussed out there aren't they at some point like 10 years into it all they prefer to do is walk they'll walk and play they can walk and play at the same time but walking

and playing is basically what they do and standing still and looking bored thank god that's over what was the next one of this oh fucking oh fucking hell he hates himself so funny it's like how I feel

whenever I see or hear anything I've ever done any artist if you have a fucking soul this is how you feel when you watch your own self it's fucking appalling and it's like nice to see that someone hates themselves as much as I do

like yes yes when you watch yourself you do stand up you're like what am I doing with my fucking hand I'm so fat so hacky everything I say is so dumb why did I say that so earnestly it's so lame like

I know I love his self is there more oh my god please I love it I fucking hate this next tune I really fucking hate it fucking hell it just doesn't seem to be going anywhere I don't know what I was thinking at the time

particularly if he's thinking of the late the stuff that's gone before the fuck are these people that's exactly how I feel mate that's it that's so great I just love his self loathing I love

I love how just upset he's getting like oh fucking hell who listen to this with a sound down I really hate this next tune so good I love him I hated Noel Gallagher when Oasis split up and now I love him

so much more for that did you hate him because they split up yeah because I felt at the time he just couldn't get his shit together from what the tabloids were saying in England like oh he wouldn't he'd be too drunk to perform he didn't want a tour anymore

and it's like come on dude do you realize how hard it is to get the golden ticket to become a rock star and like you guys did it and you can't hold it together to fucking perform like off that's upsetting

it is upsetting and they're pretty good too I love that album was it what's the story Morning Glory is that the name of that the one that Wonderwall is on that's a great fucking album yeah it was my college years I always

I find it like interesting when people are like really successful in music then they kind of just fall like completely go away what happens to them I think the business

the entertainment industry in general is such a fuck shit cunt of a business and I think especially with the music company I think that's even worse the record labels how they treat you it's probably even worse than comedians get treated they're very exploitive

and they lie I think I mean could you imagine they're money off of touring these guys not so much records especially nowadays Jesus Christ and everybody's stealing everything there's no way to make a living off of records anymore

you know lame record companies are too like look at what's happening with Miley Cyrus by the way they just take some cute young girl she was fucking Hannah Montana for god's sake she's an actress playing the part of a singer she turns 19 and she goes I want to be a music person I want to be a rock star

and then you know her daddy waves his magic wand what's his name Billy Ray Cyrus is that her dad yes stupid hillbilly and then and then you know everybody goes oh Miley wants to be a rock star let's make this happen for her and then they manufacture this bullshit that is Miley Cyrus

you understand yeah she didn't come up in the mean streets of Liverpool or wherever making music she's a fucking silver spoon girl the funny thing to me was watching some MTV like documentary of Miley Cyrus and what was funny was she was like

what I'm about is like fucking just like whatever man just fucking do it and I was like we're not talking about music at all here you're just like yeah she's like like I had this idea and I was like fuck it I'm just gonna do that

yeah that's what I'm about you're not really about anything she's not saying shit I think that's my problem with it it's like her whole thing is um but the best I'm just having fun I'm being me and you're like yeah but who are you you're 19 you're in fucking you're nobody you're you're a rich kid you're

an actress you're not even a fucking person you've done nothing with your life you're not a real person no at least these two drunks these Gallagher brothers were like legit talents grew up normal you know yeah I have no respect for these manufactured music whatever happened

to Eve do you remember Eve uh the girl with the paw prints on her tits yeah yeah what happened to that bitch that's what I'm saying though like you have big videos you have big albums how do you work like where do you go from there

like why she had she had like top hits and then she had television too right wasn't she acting yeah and then she just disappeared as far as I know I don't fucking know what happened to Missy Elliot remember her she still makes stuff I feel like

who knows you know what I think it is I think it's like television where if you have one bad show they don't give you another one like maybe she had like one album that didn't do stellar and then they're like oh you're out of there that's what happens in the movie game movies are like

all based on the box office draw if you start doing bad movies like that people don't see your movies like you're no longer doing movies yeah you know what it is it's Eve I want to know

oh yeah this is a good song yeah about eating pussy right yeah it's about eating pussy what I want to know is what happened to Eve now is she a legit talent or was she like another record company shill manufactured bullshit

see here's what's wrong with comedy and what's wrong with music is that the advertising people the money is what's driving what you guys see so if they can't you know you want to know why there's no shows on television or sitcoms about

middle class people because networks believe that middle America most people want to see people that are more wealthy than them they don't want to see a reflection of them that's them saying oh and also they believe they're going to attract

a clientele that spends more money if the shows on TV reflect wealthier people right so it's not even about like hey what's good let's make what's good it's about what's going to sell money what can GE sell you in that half hour and it's fucking

bullshit it's the same way the record companies that's why Miley Cyrus and all these shit acts these fucking shit acts happen because 12 year old girls are going to run out like Justin Bieber and all this nonsense it's so impressive I guess she's still performing yeah so it says she began working on a new album

in 07 project was delayed never release problems at her label Interscope were responsible for the multiple delays there you go see after Eve left Interscope was expected to be released in 2011 but again it was delayed

in 2012 she decided to release the album as an independent artist blah blah blah yeah I think the labels because I was reading about this with MIA and her last album that her record label was like delaying it and then they would give her bullshit notes

like oh you need to be more of like a rebel you need to be angry or your album's too happy and like they make her make her songs a certain way to sell them that's why because it's perceived like what are people going to buy and that's why interesting very fucked up

very sad very fucking stupid well I hope she does it independently doesn't have to answer to retards like that me too man me too you got one Mary Alice and Penny the dog sent this in

oh would you rather have all of your body hair including facial hair and peach fuzz waxed off in one inch by one inch squares one at a time it's rough or have brain freeze for a month straight oh my god

waxing sadist waxing Mary Alice and Penny the dog are sadist horrible Penny the dog came up with this yeah pretty evil dog I'm going to go with waxing because I don't I don't want to have anything last for a month that's torture

yeah I can't I can't tolerate the brain freeze for more than 10 seconds that's unbearable I mean I think at an hour you'd be suicidal oh my god it's like the worst thing ever brain freeze is so traumatic I hate it

what is brain freeze do we even know what that is I'm going to look it up what the fuck is that like jeans would you rather have brain freeze for a month or throw up

once a day like you did yesterday oh my god throw up once a day okay okay here we go ice cream headache also known as brain freeze meaning nerve pain of the spandex

ganglion wait what it's a scientific name it's stupid it's a form of cranial pain or headache it's caused by having something cold touch the roof of the mouth and is believed

to result from a nerve response causing rapid constriction and swelling of blood vessels it's horrible it's horrible ugh well waxing is no party either you have been waxed terrible

I refuse to do it horrible horrible I've had it done it's pretty I mean it's not but brain freeze I think it's intolerable I think you'd just fall apart here's another word you'd rather from Krista hi Krista

for one year would you rather wipe your teeth with the floss of your spouse that's already used like extreme cheapskates or only wipe your brown with TP that your spouse used to blow their nose during a cold

snotty filled toilet paper you guys are disgusting really disgusting so it's either floss with your used floss or wipe your butt with my cold yeah yeah yeah I got it I'm gonna wipe my butt with your mucus

yeah cause I don't have to taste that ugh I'm gonna fucking throw up again right now Jesus just your floss I've seen it like I've seen your used floss it's very chunky sometimes it stinks

it smells so bad okay let's not talk about it smells like shit okay here this one is disgusting what would you do I would floss with your floss okay mine doesn't smell as bad as yours

yeah I feel like you take you know your mouth is pretty clean you have like a dog's mouth like they really have a clean mouth like I see you you're always licking your paws and cleaning I see you eating in the grass sometimes I see you doing that

well grass keeps my teeth and breath clean yeah you have a fish mouth but it's okay I don't have a fish mouth all that is is when I eat my fa and the Vietnamese flavors the hoisin sauce makes my breath smell bad I'm sorry I brush my teeth

there's nothing I can do alright we have a couple more ready this came to Alex as he was falling asleep last night Jesus Christ would you rather snort a line of dandruff or smoke a bowl of toenail clippings

oh come on guys this is the most disgusting day I'm gonna snort them oh fuck man I don't like snorting shit I'm gonna smoke toenail clippings I don't want to they're crusty and rotten and he didn't say that

I'm adding it to it that's rude what if they're my toenail clippings that's fine he didn't say who that means yours though have like all types of growths on them barnacles my toenails are very clean cleaner than yours

yours are very yellow and curved yours are like curled over why does that happen yeah they're like curved and they're like hard and yellow and then they curl like old Japanese guys

like old Asian guys come on okay this is from Carolina would you rather get to see from an outside perspective of the universe

an earth itself being created cool or finally figure out where the dudes are at wow that is a philosophical dilemma it's pretty easy for me I don't really have any trouble with that one

clearly I want to know where the dudes are at wow that is one of life's greatest questions where the dudes are at I mean seeing the universe and the earth created so big deal knowing where the dudes are at

where are the dudes at oh man but I feel like where the dudes are at the dudes are wherever you want them to be understand the dudes don't exist in the extra mental world the dudes exist in your heart the dudes exist

in my soul you understand it's not a physicality thing interesting that's a really interesting way of putting it the dudes are where you want them to be well I think they're in Raleigh, North Carolina because that's where Casey is

we're going to see him in a few weeks oh my gosh hopefully I can get him to talk about it a little more I think that would be really cool case he didn't really take a liking to having the attention put on him for where the dudes at he hated it so much

didn't really appreciate the full gravity of that responsibility it makes me so happy to menace him? to make Casey uncomfortable and be like I don't think it's funny Casey's not what you would call

a guy who's down to be made fun he's not into clowny silliness he's fun Casey's a good time he just didn't like that there's thousands of recorded internet

screen grabs of people asking him specifically where the dudes are maybe it's the attention it's a lot of attention alright jeans let's go feed you some toast some brat what is brad bananas

rice, applesauce, toast those are the things you can eat today and I hope that your brown gets firmer and may you stop sweating I love you I'm so sad that you're ill I just hate it I kiss your silly little face

we'll see you guys I love you jeans no kids no oh my god holy shark week it's a bad week