Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 200-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 26, 2014

Holla if you down, but you wear your jeans up! 200, ya'll. We kickin it strong and we owe it to you, the little Mommy. We celebrate with great new audio of someone we think might be related to Tom - after all it's man in Cincy and he tells your "right" where to put it. So many mommy tunes, so little time. We honor your musical talents by playing some of the songs that got away and they are AMAZING, you know what I'm sayin? Oh my, oh my, is there a new contestant throwing his hat into the ring of most impressive mentions of Know What I'm Sayin. Well, do you? Mommy shout outs and more! PLEASURE!

I have a song for you. I'd like to do that Like to go to the bar In the kitchen listening in the time of Christina at the end of a rough day get along to drink get my nuts Shade if I'm lucky get it in a love day. Oh, yeah, just great like the devil loves flames like the devil loves Have you met a women who loves snakes? This is just a thing to help your nerves and calm down I like when out bitch welcome to your mom's house For the fees fresh fresh fresh welcome to your mom's house To your mom's house

your mom's house starring Christina Prusitzki And time syndrome Especially parents fly top dog. It actually happened to me or Landon Airport West And Joe We made it we made it all the way to episode 200 big shout out to Joe double there. He's the one that

that made that I Think that was the one of the first contributions we got as far as You know fan made Songs and there's some shit that I just discovered over the weekend Songs that we never realized we had in our inbox Well, it's gonna be really fun. We're gonna we're gonna get into it. That's exciting So, yeah, that song, you know every time we listen to that Joe double song I hear something new He's like if you listen in prison with your porter, he can sell me. I was pretty good. He's great

So many of you are so talented. Yeah We'll get into it here in a little bit, but you know, we literally not to toot our own horn But for the amount of traffic that we get We just we just don't have the the manpower. We don't have a staff. It's just Christina and I It's a two-person show There's literally You know, I don't know. There was over a thousand unread emails. Honestly, honestly, there's so many emails Yeah, so this weekend. I was like, you know, I got to go through some of these and some of you that had sent songs in

Nine months ago. Oh my life. I wrote back to and you guys were like, hey Thought I'd get this a little bit earlier and we just just missed it. So Apologize but now it's coming and it's it's the big 200 episode. Yeah, it'll be fun You believe it and this is kind of a celebration of you guys you Yeah, I mean what what a way to celebrate our 200th episode than to put out there what you guys have given us Yeah, and well, there's there's some other announcement stuff we'll get into but So much going on Let's see right now

I'm ready to go to Raleigh, North Kaka Laka I'm gonna be at Charlie Goodnights North Kaka Laka is my old stomping ground. So I'm I'm comfortable there. I'm looking forward to seeing some old friends One friend in particular who many of you may simply know Where the dudes at My friend Casey lives in Raleigh, so I'll see him Do you think he's gonna know where the dudes are at now? It's been a while. He's always known. He's had time to look That's a good point

So I'm there if you're in North Carolina, please come see me Charlie Goodnights See 27 28 29 is there 29 this no 27 27 28. There's only 20 days in February this year. So in March 1st, I'll be there then Next week, I'm going with my good buddy Ernie aka Andy Erickson to the Tacoma comedy club. I make a pit stop the night before in Port Angeles, Washington at the Whatever is the name of that Castro pub? Well, well, well, that's a bad plug. I'm sorry

But you're it's you're like It's like calling the kettle poor plugger. I'm I'm the queen of poor plugs Now my plugs are rubbing off on your butt plugs. Yeah, I screwed up Sorry, but I'm looking forward to the comic comedy club with Ernie and then really exciting. We're so damn pumped every day We're having some communication back and forth with Brooklyn and Columbus about that weekend. It's it's so exciting To do the live show in Brooklyn at the Bell House on March 13th our stand-up show is live the 14th at the knitting factory and You can get a discounted ticket to that if you buy it online before the show

Tickets at Tom Segura comm also your mom's house Podcast comm they have links on your mom's house. Oh, yeah, it's all up. It's all there and then the 15th We're going back to Woodlands tavern woodlands backyard in Columbus, Ohio Same place we did stand up. We're now doing the podcast. Oh, yeah, it's gonna be great the following week We go to cobs to do the podcast in San Francisco. We had such a blast there We're doing it on the 20th and on the 21st. We're back doing the show live in LA at the Hermosa Beach Comedy Magic Club, which is a fantastic place

So make sure you come to those shows again go to the Tom Segura comm. There's links all the tickets there You can also go to your mom's house podcast comm Christina. You have a big week coming up huge guys So I'm very excited. I'm gonna be taping It's gonna be cameras and stuff taping an hour that I am doing at San Jose at the San Jose improv I'm only there for two nights this week. Okay guys, so please come out I would prefer if you come Saturday because that's the night that I'll be taping either show eight or ten O'clock There's a show for you to come to see me. That is the one. I will probably be

Super fired up to be taping this As you should be so come in please come and support that night So only Friday and Saturday February 28th and March 1st. Let's be let's be clear Christina Christina is doing a Very big show and she's asking you to come see her and you know You owe it to her Come on, go see her San Jose San Francisco Go see her it'll be fun and then March 6th or 9th Denver improv and then after that I do this mommy run

We're just gonna be so bananas. It's gonna be awesome We're doing the podcast in Brooklyn at the Bell House. I know that's a dope venue from what I hear. It's pretty rad It's great. I can't wait to meet all the Brooklyn mommies and the Columbus mommies. We've met once before but anyway Alright and after that April 10th through 13th at the Cleveland improv and Cleveland, Cleveland, Ohio Let's not go any further than that. My god. I know we're just going going and going we got to get into this Oh, geez Louise guys. Come on. Come on buddy The microphone I've never done

You nasty Have you ever smelled someone else's microphone? Yes, some of them are so disgusting Your beard smells like cheese I can't imagine horrible right now. What's your microphone smells like? You ready to do this we go let's start episode 200 Very very unusual the three victims were part of a CXS fucker right in the pussy Oh my goodness and I mean Obviously somebody has interfered with Laura Ingalls live shot grabbing her mic and running. We apologize for the profanity which he also Said on our air

Who is Randy? Bring anyone loving to this Welcome Welcome to your mom's house That beard smells bad What does it smell like right now? I definitely should have washed my face before we did this Well, we ate that real smelly cheese. Yeah, and I'm like What happens is when you're on the microphone like this, yeah, you know what what's on you it starts to go on the mic

Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying. Oh man. I should have oh I should So sticky Yeah, cuz it smells like my face smells like I've been eating buttholes all afternoon Girls you got a wash of vagina You're pussy out Got what's your beard? Laura Ingalls. Did you hear that Laura Ingalls had her thing disturbed by that guy? Laura Wilder Laura Ingalls Wilder

That was a live shot and I was really happy that it happened for episode 200 because it happened in Cincinnati. Oh That guy just grabbed the mic out of her hand Fuck her. He said fuck her right in her pussy Fuck her right in her pussy It's a very very unusual the three victims were part of a CXS Fuck her right in the pussy Obviously somebody has interfered with Laura Ingalls live shot grabbing her mic and running we apologize for the profanity which Don't you wish that happened every day on the news I would watch so much more news if that happened

I like how she has to be like. Oh my oh my god. I can't believe We we are We apologize for the profanity The world the world in the world in the world in the world No, no, it would take one thing but the the lady that was reporting sounding like a mush mouth, too Did you hear she was oh, yeah She was not a Ching Ching Chong a Ching Chong Jesus no, I didn't say that I I was saying a Ching Chong ping pong Wait, what do you mean by that? She's not a Ching Chong ping pong. What is that?

That's how well, what are you trying to say? What are you trying to say you made it sound like she was saying it Also on the plane crash KTV was just learned the names of the four pilots who are on board the flight They are captain some Ching Wong We too low oh Lee fook and bang ding out banging out Holy fook, that one's my favorite. Yeah Oh My god

Yeah, so what's new? I mean, I know this is our 200th, which is a huge deal. It's fun And we we do by the way, we have some big special guests coming up In the next couple weeks But you know this episode we just decided to you know, just talk to you guys celebrate some of our past favorite moments some new stuff we got and a celebration that I can now

shit in Peace With going everywhere, let's hear about this. So last week you had a pretty vicious bout of food poisoning I did and honestly it was vomit vomit vomit Yeah, which you were privy to which is always fun considering I have a deep phobia of vomiting You handled it pretty well. You didn't really, you know, I was surprised

Well, I covered my ears as you were doing it and thank you for doing it in the kitchen sink I wanted to really thank you for that because if it we've hadn't done in the sink I wouldn't have gotten to see it or hear it and nearly as much. So thanks for that. I turn up getting a detail What's that twice twice? Yeah, thanks, buddy I was watching the soprano, so I had to turn it up and then I cover my ears Hmm So, how's your brown bin like let's walk through a time long. Oh my god, you guys are so disgusting Yeah, it was pretty bad. I mean the puking that the puking ended after day one, okay

Then what was your brown like at that time though, you know, there were some plops I was working through what I God gave me Lemons and I made a far-derade Now when you say ploppy is pretty loose it was a sevens right wasn't a seven immediately No, yeah, we started in like a five six territory. Okay later. It became sevens Then I was I was getting back on the horse And I went right to Ploptown

Like two days later. That's when I got I was like, ah man, this might be like a long bout of this But I was able to push through and persevere By Saturday I was eating edibles in front of an audience Well, that's neat. So you were back on drugs Saturday doing drugs and enjoying You enjoy Diaz mr. Jose Coco Diaz and I were at the The ice house the same room we do our show in there. He did his show. He's an animal. He's such a fucking animal

He's so fucking funny. I just can't believe a guy can go as Like he doesn't stop. Yeah, he got up there. He did like 10 minutes of stand-up Right just to kind of get the audience in the mood. Yeah got them Just just destroyed the room and then was like, let's bring it like bring up. He brought up Lee his producer Then he brought me up and then he talked. I mean we all talked but Joey's definitely the conductor. Yeah two hours and 45 minutes. You're kidding. No, and it wasn't like I mean like I knew it Was you know getting long but you weren't like he wasn't I wish I could fucking think of something to say Everything was like boom like it's like he says something and then just goes off on that tangent

now, do you think that's because of The vast amount of marijuana that he smoked or that plays a role that helps chatty Yeah, they were both so high so funny though. Joey is so used to being so high and performing It just fuels his performance. Yeah, and Lee was like Oh As Lee Is Lee of the persuasion of What is he I

Don't want to say Kind of like I have not actually heard my voice in the conversation for nearly three years. No Lee looked like he was her voice Okay But Lee is a misleading name. It's not he's not normally Okay, babe. You don't know me like that You know what I mean? Yeah Yeah

So You understand. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yes, sir. You understand um So anyways, I got I ate an edible on stage. I thought I was fine Yeah, we're kind of edible. Are we talking about a gummy bear? Oh, okay, but not a gummy bear like one, right? It was like a big square gummy treat. Okay Joey told me eat half negative. I should have

trusted when like when you know when somebody says Who just you know fucks Hookers says hey You you don't need a condom with her, right? You got to go like he fucks hookers all day Right, exactly. That's a nice analogy for this and Joey was saying you don't need half. I should have gone Ah

Cut this into sevens or that's like you saying, you know, you don't need that much toilet paper Right coming from the guy that uses a roll a day So you're like, I shouldn't I shouldn't listen that guy. Okay. Um rude wrong so I uh Anyways about an hour later. I'm sitting with jeff tate homeless jeff yes

Homeless jeff homeless jeff looks really homeless Yeah, you sent me a picture of him and I was I literally I looked at it and I'm like, oh, who's this homeless guy? Then my husband took a photograph of and then you're like, this is what he looks like right now. Yeah, okay homeless jeff And I had the diner and I uh, I all of a sudden I go. Oh my god. I'm so high right now And he goes you right now. I go. Yeah, it just hit me and we talked about it And I think the uh, he said probably like because I'm so used to being on stage I knew I was doing like a version of a performance The show performance was fighting off that feeling

And then as soon as like 10 minutes like when you're sick and your body fights it off And then you're able to do it. It's like adrenaline. You know when you're sick, you're you're performing the adrenaline The adrenaline will sober you up. Then I went on a vision quest. I love it. Let's talk about it There's an amazing pro if you don't ever smoke weed or eat weed There's one thing about it because you can argue all the other properties and You know, I know it can help you in a number of Medical ways, but there's just one thing

that I've talked to many people have smoked and Ingested it before that it does that I'm a fan of and that is that it it helps bring to Your conscious state things that you shelve things that you yes the subconscious. Yes And it makes you deal with shit sometimes very uncomfortable But very beneficial now. It's interesting you say I I actually welcome those insights like yeah Yeah, I don't but sometimes they're uncomfortable. Sometimes. Yeah, they're like, oh gosh Actually, like I've I've vision quest. Here's what my routine

I don't really like to smoke pot with other people Because I feel the self-conscious is shit like even with you last night. We smoked a little What is mine called? You oh, I smoked you would you ate? What was mine called harawana? I Love sleepy weight. Anyway, I was a little self-conscious even in front of you because I'm like, oh, I'm laughing too hard like am I silly

But I love to lay down and vision quest and I what I do intentionally I smoke and then I like lay down and close my eyes and then I intentionally think of the things in my life That aren't going well And then I go, well, why is that happening? Like tell me the truth subconscious mind And then the answer just goes boop and then I go Find a little more intense Go ahead. Let's talk about it. No, that's a Yours seems like a dream like a good time. It is and I actually because I'm a pretty big dreamer

I'm a lucid dreamer. I also listen to the intuition in my dreams. I believe that is it's it's your unconscious You're your subconscious telling you mine's a much more critical voice And it's basically like is this you know, it's like Are you a bad? Brother and you go in my mind is like You are a bad brother in a lot of ways And then I get showcased examples in my head You know, but and they're real. They're not like made up and like, I mean, they're not, you know

It's like look what you did here and look what you did here and it's like examples in my mind And it's like and then I have to deal with that like I should reach out more. I should you know things like that like so It'll do that and and I'll have that reality for almost every aspect of life. So work Relationships just everything you go. Oh, yeah, you'll ask like am I doing this? Well, is that what you're saying? Like I mean, I won't even ask. It's just like, you know You're fucking Out of shape because you're lazy

And like look at all this stuff you ate. Look how many days off you took from going to the gym And but like they're they're vivid. It's not like it's not just that thought. It's like It plays out vividly Here's what you're doing wrong. Here's how you could correct that. So crazy that you're being You know this way about let me just giving that as an example. Yeah No, that's really good. I think that that's drugs or I'm saying it's uncomfortable because it's like somebody Yeah, it's like a it's basically like a person is that it's in my mind going like here's why you're fucking not doing well at this

Is why you're fat for your fucking shit. Yeah. Well, I think I believe that we always know the answers to all the questions Definitely, we know the answer. Yeah, but like you were saying The the mind has to bury A lot of stuff to function on a day-to-day basis Otherwise you would just go crazy because you can't think of all the shit that's wrong with you all the time You have to function and that's why it's good that you shelve it Yeah, but you can't leave it on the shelf too long No, because then if you leave it on the shelf

You bury those issues. They show up in other places and they fuck up other areas of your life big talk Yep, that's that's very true And you know what's great about pot jeans is that like yesterday when I came home I was so overly tired And stressed out because I'm pretty much on the road all fucking month Dude, and then when I am home for like 40 hours, we're doing the podcast I have you know, it's pilot season. So there's a bunch of shit going on there and Like it's I get so freaked the fuck out just by not having time

And like the great thing about pot is that it kind of kills your brain cells too So that like today the residual effect is that I'm super mellow like I don't I don't allow myself to get stressed out You know, I'm so out too blessed to be stressed. My name is Carla, bitch I don't I don't I get Cold outside I can't get cold cold 24 7 365 But it kind of helps me not think about everything that's going on. It's good

That is good You don't need this many brain cells is what I'm saying like you really don't need to fire on all pistons all the fucking time All the fucking time. Yeah, dude. You got to shut it down. You got to power that robot down um So much so much to cover we have so many different things in here um, I want to talk about first of all our very special

Continuation of our shout outs. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Thank you guys and by the way, those of you that did bid on things Uh, the the reason we haven't sent them out is because my album is being delayed until April But I'm we're going to send you the the other parts that you've purchased Yes, and then when the album comes in in April or something to you. So apologies for the tardiness guys um number one I want to give a shout out to Gregory Bevington

Gregory you know what you did Um, how about Our good buddy. Thank you very much. Mr. Brian Holden Brian Tell Brian how much you love him. I love you Brian. All right. Don't do it too much Brian, I'm gonna do some positive affirmations for you. Okay, Brian. You have a great name. You have impeccable taste in podcasts Your number one your teeth are probably an excellent shape. You've lost daily Your sneakers are clean. Your socks are white. Wow

Brian there you go. Good job um the always, um Impervious Nick st. Clair Nick Good job, nick. You have a total porn star name nick st. Clair. Yeah, that's a good one. How do you get that name? How do you get the name nick st. Clair? Uh, just luck luck. Hmm. You know what I'm saying Um, how about the name? Carla? What's up, carl? Joe?

Say art or sea art. How do you spell it? S I a r t Maybe it's french. Oh, hey french joe sea art. Fuck off How about that sea art that was just for you joe? That was cool. Um Fuck off We have we have so many more um Steve Arrellano, uh, okay

Um, Steve Arrellano. We'd like to give a shout out to you Hmm. Hmm. I don't know about that second part. Steve Arrellano Um, let's see. We have another one sage silvery silvera, silverya silverya s i l v e i r a Silverya

No, not very no, no, so vera Silverya So there you know that they say about sage they always say the same thing about sage They're always like when you walk up to a rattlesnake. Do you stand there? Or do you run like hell? And take a chance again better not That's like do I take a chance then people in or take a chance again stabbed in the back again That's what they've always said about

Sage silvery happy birthday. That was very profound of stevie. He was like Do I let people in? Do I do I rape children? It's very serious. That's the thought that you need to have You need to have that thought do I make friends or do I fuck kids or do I do that? Um All right, we'll do a few more Yeah, we'll do a few more one ready. Please. I would go to give a shout out to the great rob Laird rob layer. Yeah Rob all right rob better wipe down keep wiping

Layered I watched a movie a franche movie and the the female character her first name was lay out Was that shashana? No, that was a different french movie. You've been watching more french films Yeah, you know, I like them on netflix. There's so many and uh, because the stories are sweet. They're just about people It's no fucking explosions and machine guns and shit. It's just people sounds fucking lame as shit to me Graham baker a big shout out to graham baker Stuck up I was good. I am hi graham. We love you graham and um Believe it there for now. We have a few more, but we got too much to do

You don't want to blow your your shout out load your shout out Now that is so lame as you guys are well aware. We are always always Deep in the hunt Trying to find out What people are Saying you know i'm saying And yet another

You know what i'm saying submission has come in. No, this one. Oh my gosh Takes it to another level Really will wrap your mind and twist it and turn it because there's something Very special about this. You know what i'm saying. Okay. Give it a listen Motherfucker right there. You know i'm saying So you know i'm saying he's not gonna fuck with the real you know i'm saying so We'll recognize real game recognize game. You know i'm saying Ain't no bosses in those fakes over here. You know i'm saying it's all real deal. You know i'm saying all this

You were talking about Take it for it's worth it. You know i'm saying truth is in that motherfucker there. You know i'm saying That's real shit. You know i'm saying skinhead rob I'm gonna fucking go with dominoes Wow That was a lot of you know what i'm saying. It was that was crazy. Every other word was you know what i'm saying No And here's the real game changer. What he's white

No Yes, you're kidding He is White That guy isn't no, no, he's not he's not fucking white None none of these guys are white that you know what i'm saying Man's are strictly for the brothers, but this guy is definitely I mean it didn't get away. You know what i'm saying? They made a

I'm a player at the end. It was a questionable travel call. You know i'm saying it didn't go our way And they made a decent play. You know i'm saying i that never happens But this guy was like i want to even it out and i want to spread the love I want to make it something where Everybody can you know start to understand what i'm saying. You know i mean, you know I ain't never had a job before in my life until i started working for shield You know in and out of jail. You know what i'm saying? Did a little bit everything. You know what i'm saying? Now i'm

You know what i'm saying? Ah, he still is the king. Of course, we would never dethrone Mr You know i'm saying but just so you know there's competition out there You you can't you get can't get complacent. You know i'm saying you get complacent And you know i'm saying motherfuckers will take the title. You know i'm saying I Wait a minute. You know i'm saying so this guy's white. You know i'm saying he is white as white Get what does he look like? You know i'm saying like he wishes he wasn't

Let me get so like chains and stuff are we talking what is he wearing like fubu or something he's got on Uh Hat Sunglasses he's got neck tattoos. Cool. You know, he's that's my favorite. He's spitting some you know I'm saying like it's very authentic. He's he's been around the right people. Do we know where to groom him? Do we know where where this clip hails from? Uh, I don't know. I'm sure I could do a little bit of I'm gonna guess michigan. I don't know where he's from but you kind of watch the clip and you're like, you know what?

He's really got his fucking lingo down um Why can't I hate when I can't find clips This is a fucking real pain in my fucking hole My butthole, you know, I have uh someone I work with i'm not gonna say who yeah whenever this person gets nervous And I can tell this person's lying to me. Uh-huh. They always go, you know, and and it's like, but you know, you know, you know You know, I'm like, yeah, I know you're lying to me right now because you're ticking. Oh, it's like they have a tell It's called their tell. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the tells are important to pay attention. You know, I mean, it'll be something really good for you

You know, you know, you know, it takes to five hours of your life, you know, you know, and if you don't mind, you know You know Yeah, it's definitely a tell. Oh my god, you know what I'm saying Jean's what do you how do you feel about getting into some of these songs? I'm so excited So I think we we mentioned it at the top and what happened was oh, this was what I was looking for I couldn't find this, you know, I gotta give me grease. Oh, oh Jesus. I have this one's hard I tell him there The song on his finger. Oh my life. Um, but anyways, go ahead. So hard to listen. No, I was just gonna say that, you know

My attorney telling us we probably shouldn't play songs that are copy written Because it's not a good idea ended up being the best thing for us. It was the best thing It was the best fucking thing. Yeah, this ended up being like the coolest thing ever because now we get the coolest listener Submitted songs and they're all amazing. Mm-hmm. They're really amazing It was um, we gotta talk about we just finished out in daddies Powerful season powerful season powerful, buddy So where is it? Here we go

um So anyways As we mentioned I was going through there and you would not believe We have such such talented people listen to this show and like I said, we get overwhelmed With the you know, you have to just remember that this show It's the two of us. We do two episodes a week. We have to sort through our own stuff There's stuff obviously that you guys send us tweet us Um, you know, we put together the show we we handle the email on top of the fact that we're full-time

On the road comics. We're auditioning. We're doing taking meetings. We're and we're living our personal life We really should have Somebody helping us. I wish we did. Maybe we should have a How do we how does that work? Like we should we should get an intern. We need to get somebody to help us But the point is that things get overlooked So if you ever have emailed us and you didn't get a response, we apologize We love you, but we we're busy fucking motherfuckers. I just know that we read it's never personal We read them. It's just we don't always have time to respond

And like a lot of times it's on your on the iphone like, you know, I'm saying, you know, I'm saying you're in the airport You're like, oh, that's so funny that I want to work for you. But anyways, I went to look I go I wonder if we've missed songs. I saw emails we'd missed and Man, I started to find all kinds of treasures. Yeah, all kinds of stuff, man Here's a song that was sent in. Um, and of course, I don't have the source But it was sent in it's called the pleasure song Oh Oh

But it gets creepy after a minute The pleasure songs is uh from our south african days. Wow We were talking about them. Yeah, when we came back from south africa, we made fun of them how they talk Yeah, they always say that word. It's a pleasure Pleasure Pleasure They they always do that pleasure you go, uh Thanks, and they go pleasure. Yeah, it's really nice actually not but I would tell them

My thing we were talking I think on that episode about how it sounds menacing. Yeah, because they say pleasure Pleasure the cannibal actor a little bit pleasure Pleasure because without that accent Thank you. Pleasure. Yeah, it's my pleasure. It sounds like it's my pleasure Pleasure Sounds like someone's making you come against your will Pleasure You pleasure yourself. I make you pleasure speaking of pleasure

Speaking the pleasant until they were like two in you three in you. So it's like, well, I'm proud of myself I'm proud of my song. Which is my sister Oh my god Oh Oh my god Amazing. Oh my god. Thanks for the track. Which is my sister. That was fantastic That was like a cornucopia of point. Yeah, man All kinds of stuff comes in these guys are so talented

By the way, this reminds me we're going to talk about Downton Abbey in a little while Yes, but every time the Laura Linney comes up and she's like Welcome to masterpiece theater. I immediately think welcome to master bait theater starring tom sagora And then I imagine you coming on there and being like, well today's masturbation guys I'm going to talk about what I did in this hotel room this weekend. And then you're going to be like But I could see you hosting a show called master bait theater I would want it to be hosted I'd want that narrow that that great narrow narration voice

James Lipton to masturbate theater And this week we explore Comedian American comedian tom sagoras life of just solely masturbating all day and all night Look at him pressing and stretching pooling and prodding and greasing his His meat And oh look at this the ropes ooze and shoot and stream out of his cock And I'm like, no once again. He's backed crying and eating

Curled up in his bed. Yeah now tom this week. You're performing at charlie. Good night. It's in north carolina What specific type of masturbation techniques can we expect from you this week? Just general get through the day stuff. Okay And will you do your typical four five six releases in the day? Yeah, I guess so Now north carolinas, especially boring for you. I'm assuming Uh, it's I mean, I went to school there. It's all right. Okay, but you'll be alone a lot in the hotel room the entire time Okay, will you be uh, will you be making the blinds drawn or will you leave them open? They'll be closed. There will never be sunlight entering the room. It will help me to jerk off even more

How will you handle the cleaning stuff as they'll want to get into the room? Just know every day adamant knows even when they fight me on it Clean up. How does one clean up in the hotel? Just let it dry Let it dry Wherever it lands. Let it dry Wherever it lands wherever it lands fascinating Fascinating. Thank you, Tom. Thank you, Tom

Oh Oh, oh my gosh. Oh, man Um masturbate. Do you hear some more music? Yeah, oh my gosh. What's this one here? Yeah Your mom's house your mom's house your mom's house your mom's house You've been listed to your mom's house where your mommy's dump comedic clips in your mouth And there's always brown talk for your ear hole and a cum dog sitting in the back You know, she's ready to roll titties in a clamp. She'll figure eight your asshole till you take your sprinkler and watch her Drink it up and all damn

It's your mother fucking mom's house your mom's house You've been listening to your mom's house your mother's house And would you rather have a mouth full of shit or a placey full of vans do that do that dance With your blue jeans high and tight when Tommy cooks the push, you know, we make it squirt, right? And you should see what that lovely Tina does with the bear's D It's your mother fucking mom's house your mom's house. You've been listening to your mom's house Where your mommy's run around just dumping these clips up in your mouth You've been listening to your mom's house with that angry eastern block of christina p

The tommy buns is the mother fucking god and don't forget about that cutie phytope finata He long gating them little bitches, but never sees them later That little dog is like an old black man. He is a real og You see You've been listening to your mom's house your mom's house. It's your mother fucking mother's house Where your mommy's run around just dumping these clips all in your mouth Damn wow I'm impressed and uh a cooch full of ants. I like that a lot. Yeah, I like throwing the wood you rather in there

Very very nicely done skilled Very nicely done. It was really good, man. Nicely your mom's uh done So nicely done. I do handle this. Does this bring any memories to you? You are live guys. We're live Whoa Welcome to your mom's house whose house your mom's house It is the pilot episode of your mom's house with your two mommies Two mommies one podcast one podcast

We have christina You can find her at christinacomedy.com And this is my husband Tom sagora You can find him at tom sagora.com word to your mom's And of course we have the Gentleman of the hour Hello

Red band What is going on guys? What's up? Welcome to my studio slash cat and dog Aporium this is dope man. That's episode one. It's not can you hear? First of all, you can tell that we weren't used to hearing our own voices and headphones like it takes a while to To get used to your voice That was so and look how tame red band was back then. I know he's like well, oh, well welcome and now we're left

Remember when um when we left when we left started doing it on our own I did uh the first episode by myself. Yes. I thought we had to get it up Yes, I didn't have the audio figured out yet. It was a disaster It was your first time though. I know first time doing anything sucks. It's always hard. Here's me trying like, um All right, let's state the obvious first. Well, first of all, welcome Welcome again to your mom's house. How does this sound? I have no fucking idea sounds terrible, tom I don't know. That's what i'm gonna talk to you about. Um, welcome back To your mom's house to our loyal mommies

um It's good to be back. It's good for I don't know how how much time we took off then but that was a disaster episode Uh, you know what? No, it got better. I know. Yeah, it was it was the first It's so funny looking back now on that that first day we went to red bands. I remember I remember you came home. We were living in the old house. Well, what was that like 20? When did we start this show? Uh, I don't remember 2012 2011. Oh, yeah, it was before 2012 for sure. Yeah, 20 2011. Yeah No, 2012 we moved to silver lake Remember we were living in the ghetto in 2011. I thought it was october of 2012. Yeah, I'm fucking nuts. Who knows anyways

anyways, you came home and uh, I think you had just been with joe And you were like listen joe says we should start a podcast. Well, he he had talked about it so many times He kept saying it. He kept saying it like You guys should do it. You guys should do it and and then one day he was like, dude I don't understand why you're not doing this and he's like it makes sense You know what what the the big breaking point for him was to bring it up a lot was when he saw you No, really? I am very no. No. No. No. It was because

Before then he was like, hey your wife's a comic. Why don't you do this right when he saw you And he was like, oh like she's Really funny and she's good. So then he was like you're stoop. You're stupid for not doing this Then he knew that we were both comics and yeah, so it was it was joe's insistence and you came home And I remember being like first of all, what's a podcast? Like what and who's gonna listen to that and is this just another waste of time like weird thing that we're gonna end up doing Yeah, I really had little faith in all of this And uh, and you're like well this guy red band knows how to do this stuff. Let's go to his house

And so yeah, we sat in his back room with his cats with techie at the time and uh And the other one the white cat wasn't there one other one? Yeah, of course And twixie vixen was a doggy And it was hot as balls and we couldn't have the acyon And we just sat there and sweat our tits off on those cabins. Yeah, those were the days man Those were really fun days Yeah, and now look the show has evolved and grown and it's become one of the greatest things we ever did It's it's a lot of fun. It's a lot of fun and i'm not done with music

No, I certainly hope not and I hope you want to hear more because guess what here comes another song. I can't wait So much music it's unbelievable I'm gonna play you two more songs. I love it I like a different style. Yeah, yeah It's like industrial I like it It's It's great. It's great. I like that. It's called renegade brace It reminds me of uh, shit is it ministry? I don't know. It sounds like industrial

Um, somebody made another maria porn star song Can't believe there were two of these sitting in the chamber. Damn it Better late than never Which is my sister Which is maria and which is a real porn star? Oh my god, I love the game A lot of people know I spark on people's faces and only gloss within my face

I spark on people's faces. I love it. I love it I spark on people's faces and only gloss within my face I spark on people's faces I'm debating to be in there What? You're gonna hear shit on my bitch Shit on my bitch What?

You're gonna hear shit on my bitch Shit on my bitch Oh my mouth on the tape My mouth on the tape What is something that we all never see? Oh my mouth, my mouth, my mouth You can't fucking hear something that porn is fucking crazy, dude Yes

That ender was quite the bookend I love the songs are one of my favorite parts of the show now I really love it and yeah, it would never have happened if you're if your lawyer hadn't scared us G because I on a wet on a lark. We were like, hey, do you think this is legal that we're Gosh, maybe we shouldn't be using music that people pay for you know And you know what I was just thinking right now that we could do Huh, I just realized that like because they're so talented and they enjoy doing it, too Because sometimes I go, oh, I wish there was a song about this or a song that included this

We can actually throw that out there and just see what is thrown back at us. Oh, yeah, huh? Yeah, like I want somebody to create, you know what I'm saying song. Oh my god Yeah, with all that, you know, I'm saying and like, you know, I'm saying Make something like one of these tracks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that'd be great Then we could and if we got like let's say we get five or ten or whatever we go here's the you know I'm saying songs That'll be awesome. Yeah. Um, so I saved my one of my favorites for last for you. Um, and this is uh, this is special And then I didn't I didn't realize Maria had so much Maria had a lot of love

This one's just for you, babe. Okay. It's just for you Damn, that's a good ass podcast I Don't Wow, that's called mom's wine. It's by Derek Booth. You know the great Derek. I love Derek Booth. Thank you. This is that was really nice. That's a really nice song, Derek. I'm not sure I would. I liked more that you be 40 or the King Ass Ripper homage. Well, you're a fan of both. So he combined your two favorite things. Very clever. Really cool choice by Derek. So funny, dude.

Yeah, that was good stuff. That's it. That's it. All of it. I mean, I have there's some more stuff. I like it. Yeah. You don't want to blow your load. Is that what you're saying? You know, I'm wrong. October 2010. We moved into Silver Lake. Yes, from the ghetto. Right. So that's why I know we started before. Yeah. And then we moved out in 2012. Right. No, 2013. We came here No. Yeah. No. 2012. Yes. And then we came here. Right. How long we've been here? We've been here a year and four months or so. Damn. So crazy how fast time goes by. Time really flies. You know what's funny thinking back on those first episodes too is that I never thought anybody would ever listen to these ever. So in the very beginning, it really was just like, oh, this is just you and me

just talking about what we did that day or that week, you know, and now you're like, oh, shit, like people actually listen. Yeah. It's kind of, it's kind of cool because you're like, oh, wow, like that, that actually meant something to somebody. I know. But, you know, I don't know. It's just a weird thing to think to people actually listen to this now. Yeah, I had no idea. I had no idea. No idea. Really? I had no idea what, what not. Well, first of all, when like, when we weren't producing our own show, we just didn't know where they were just like, yeah, people are listening. I was like, cool, like 50. Yeah, I didn't know. It's crazy. Wow. It's been really, really special. It's the most fun. It's the, you know, it's the thing we're the most committed to

in like, if everything was like on the table, you know, I would keep doing stand up. I would do it way less on the road. If I had my choice and I would be like, well, I love doing stand up. When stand up is great, it's the best thing. But I would just, I would just do it less on the road. Yeah. And the thing that, you know, means the most to me would definitely be doing the show. Yeah, dude. This has been probably, and I shouldn't say probably, I say without question, my most favorite thing that I've ever done in show business, like the most rewarding, probably the coolest one you get to meet the mommies on the road. Like Chicago was just incredible. Fucking bananas. And even Orlando, hello. Oh my God. We haven't even talked about

this yet. I met so many mommies in Orlando. Did you post that? What on Instagram? I posted this on, you guys have to fucking look at this. My Instagram account is Christina Paz. What's yours? Are you Segura Tom on there? Yeah. Yeah. Anyways, dudes, bros, you got to look at this painting that one of mommy did. Did you get his name jeans? Do we have the email from him? Oh, yes. You look it up. Yes. Because I only have his, uh, his Instagram handle and I want to thank him by his name. Yes. Oh my God. You asked him to send you. Yeah, I said, please email me because I want to give you proper credit. So anyways, it's a picture of, it's Theo's head on, on a woman's body who has two, four, six,

hanging, sogging boobs. His name is Rick J. Rick J. Thanks, Rick. And I know your lady was with you too. You guys are so sweet. So it's, it's Rick drew Theo with six tits with high ass mom jeans, a bike's tattoo on one arm, a dad tattoo on the other arm and a mom tattoo and like teeth. It says big words on this. It says big words and it says main mommy across Theo's human chest in old English. Look, there's no way a description could do this justice. It's absolutely brilliant. It, excuse me, ab, salutely. I got shit for saying absolutely. Who said that to you? I don't know. Somebody was like, you say absolutely. Well, can I tell you, I did radio in Orlando and I was like, yeah, my husband and I, we watched Downton Abbey and she goes, oh, downtown Abbey and like,

um, uh, it's Downton Abbey. I think she's like, oh, downtown Abbey. I'm like, okay. What do you mean? Whatever. Yeah. I wish you would have been like, can you talk about it more? She didn't watch the show clearly. She'd only heard it was called downtown Abbey. Yeah. I could, you know, you can't correct somebody after they say it that way five times. Oh yeah, but you can just keep talking about it. Yeah, that's what I did. I just let her go. I let it rip. What's your favorite scene downtown? Uh, I gotta say, the painting is incredible. Richie. Amazing. Amazing. Thank you so much. Now this is Theo's second portrait. That's, it's now in our studio. We're looking at it right

now. I put this on our desk and it's framed and it just, it's ridiculous. It means the world to us. Thank you so much. It's really incredible. I actually, I took it home. I took it to the hotel and I put it up in the hotel and I just looked at it. Like, you know, when you're like, this is giving me so much pleasure. He's got six dog tits. Yeah. He's the dog's tits. It's so amazing. So stupid. What's the best part is that when I was given to meet the club and then the servers and the staff were like, what's, oh, what's that? Oh my. Yeah. It's really cool. It's for a part you have to understand. But if anybody who walked into that room, listened to the show, they would fucking have a seizure. Yeah. It's the best thing. Oh my God. Yes. It's incredible.

It's like 10,000 inside mommy jokes, which is why it's the fate. The whole thing's amazing. So Rick J. God damn it. He even drew like a gunt on the, uh, on the mom jeans part. Fucking hell. It's, it's incredible. Downtown Abbey. Uh, we just finished season four. Wow. Powerful. First of all, I want to say huge departure from, you know, previous seasons. We had, first of all, Rose having an affair with the band leader. Yeah. And you're not supposed to do that. I'll tell you that right now. No. The band leader is not the kind of guy that you can. God damn it. It's the kind of guy that you say that to. You know, we had murder, intrigue, lots of drama, lots of lady Edith got fucked again.

God and so many in more than one way. Yeah. Lady Edith can never catch a break on the show. And she's, but she's, she's taken off. We're, we're spoiling it. If you haven't, you know, seen it and if you have no interest in it, you don't know what you're missing. This show is so good. It's so ridiculous. I got in the house of cards. Yeah. I, I know. I, I tried to, I felt it was a little, it made me lose my faith in humanity too much. I was like, I'm like, I'm pretty far into it now. How does it feel? Like, is it better? It's really good. Yeah. It's a good show. Yeah. I like that spacey guy. This tastes like 10 guys came into a thing with the, it does. The cum beads. Oh, what is that? Let me taste it. Give it to me. Yeah. It's the kombucha.

But it's a, it's not the standard kind. It's a different kind. It says raspberry chaya. Yeah. I'd never tried it. And I was like, I'll try one of these. What are these? What's the shit floating in it? It's just cum beads. Did you hear that? You farted. You farted. I haven't heard your farts today. Hold on. Let me try this. Hold on. Kombucha. It smells like the other stuff. Yeah. It's too thick. It's too. It's a wretched. Ew. It's like, ew. It's like goopy, gloppy. Yeah. It's like jizz balls. Yeah. Ew, dude. It's like boba, but not as good. Like, it's gross. Who the fuck likes this? Ew, dude. Why would you want to drink all these seeds and then come out in your poo? Yeah. I'm done with that shit. Yeah. But anyways. It's just amazing.

Downton is an amazing show. It really is. I'm so glad they ordered season five. Yeah. I can't wait. I can't wait to see what happens with Lady Edith. I hate that it's only a few episodes though. Yeah. It's such a fucking bummer, huh? BBC always does that. You know why? Because they don't, they don't make as much money off TV as we do. Yeah. Because it's publicly funded, BBC. Actually, they used to have a limit on the amount of seasons you could do on BBC shows, so I don't know what the number is now. But that's why it's higher quality though. Yeah. It's so much better. It means so much better. Yeah. Every episode's a fucking movie. It really is. And it's all, their costumes are gorgeous and everybody's like super all,

I'm all, I'm all English and stuff. I'm all, I'm all, I'm all. Yeah. And then, oh, and then the Sibyl's widow brings some ho into the abbey and everybody's all like, what? What? Are you fucking really for reals? Yeah. Yeah. There was a, there's so much more that they, like they set us up for so many things to be happening when we go back to, like when we turn it back on, it's going to be. Like you're fucking weight, man. Yeah. Bro, I watched Orange is the New Black again on Netflix. That's how bored I was in the hotel room. And I started crocheting this week. Huge excitement. I learned how to do a single stitch, which was really neat. Oh, wow. It's pathetic, but I really enjoy crocheting. And I really,

really want to make Theo a sweater. That's my goal. I got to learn how to make Theo a sweater, a hookstool. Well, now, now you know. It's hard. It's not, it's not as easy as it looks, you know. It takes time and effort. But it's really cool. Crochets for the cool kids. Yeah. I'm really impressed. You wear your glasses when you do it. Well, cause I got to see my stitches and there's a dark in there. It's fantastic. All right. We got to run. Oh, I love you guys. We love you. Thank you for listening. You took us through 200 episodes and we hope to give you at least 2,000 more. We really do appreciate you. Thank you so much. You guys are the best. Thank you for all your songs. Sorry it took us so long to get around to them, but they were awesome. And you

know, keep in mind that, you know, this is, it's two way street. All right. I mean, you guys listen, but you know, we do a lot of fucking favors for you. All right. Go to your mom's house podcast.com. Check out the jeans unit shirt. Check out the bike shirt. Do all that stuff. And please, most importantly, come see us at these live shows. We're so excited. Yeah. Columbus and Brooklyn, Brooklyn, San Francisco, LA. Let's do it. We'll add more. We'll talk to you guys. We love you. Love you. Bye jeans.