Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 201-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 28, 2014

When you find something you love to do in life, don't settle for anything but being the best. Even if that thing is taking it in every hole all day until your insides fall out of you. That's what Ava Devine has done and we have the audio to prove it. Plus Theo gets on the mic after a little hiatus and he is pretty fired up. Everyone has fun when they fart. Everyone plays with their butt cheeks to throw the pitch of their farts. Well, everyone EXCEPT Tina. Tina claims she does NOT do this and the mommies get to the bottom of the truth. REAL TALK is back with something beyond comprehension - eating ones own mattress. Oh boy, you better buckle your belt (that you wear to support your jeans).   

Easy. Damn. I flossed to that just now. I was flossing. You just flossed? Literally. I got my floss. I just ate beef jerky. You can't do that. Did you imagine? I flossed during the intro of your mom's house. Is there anything more perfect than that? I feel like this is what you're supposed to do.

You're supposed to get your floss out. Okay, not this. I like this one. I remember this one. You want some Pinot Grige, babe? I do. I hook that shit up. Yo, what's up with that Tar Heel Blue? I'm in North Cacalaca. Come see me. Do my thing at Charlie Goodnights.

If you're around the Raleigh Durham, North Carolina, Abbeyah, I am in your area code CharlieGoodnights. Come see me. Let's have a good time. I will also be in the great state of Washington. Next week, I'm going up there with Ernie, aka Andy Erickson. We are doing the Tacoma Comedy Club,

I believe March 6th, 7th, 8th, so come check us out. Ernie's so sweet. You're going to have so much fun together. She's the best. Yeah, Ernie's a good time, so we'll have fun. I'm flossing. You are flossing. There's beef jerky. It's all in there. You know when you can feel it and it's not coming out?

Yeah, I hear you. It's okay. It's killing me. Yeah, I kind of got to get through this. Can we do this? You can feel what I feel. Here's your wine. Have some wine. You need one. Okay. Can I continue?

Yeah. All right. Here's the big news. March 13th and 14th in Brooklyn are moving on a sun. March 13th is the Bell House. We're doing the podcast live. March 14th is stand up. Christine and I will have some of our New York friends on the show. And that's at the knitting factory.

So Thursday and Friday in Brooklyn. Look, if you're in New York, if you're in New Jersey, if you're in that area, it's a rare thing to come and see us do this. Tickets are moving fast. Yeah. And we chose these venues because they're very intimate and very small. Hence not a ton of tickets up for grabs. So they're really are moving quickly.

If you guys want it, I highly recommend pre-purchasing, getting them now because don't expect to walk up night of because I am feeling it's going to, this is almost capacity. Well, they just asked us to add a second show. Yeah. Stand up and we're not going to do it. We're just going to do one show. And the podcast is going to be the same kind of deal.

So we're just telling you, get on it now. Go to our site. Go to yourmomshousepodcast.com. If you're on TomSegura.com, the links are also there on the live show dates. At my site too. Christina Comedy is all there. It's all there. And the following night, we're in Columbus.

It's the same place we did stand up, Woodlands Backyard. We had a great time doing stand up. Now we're going to do the podcast there in Columbus. It's going to be nuts. Yeah. It's going to be crazy. That's venues so much fun. And Ohio, it has like a fucking, it's got like, it's like a death squad

fucking headlock on this shit. It's crazy. It's pretty nice. And the next week, if you are San Francisco, we had such a good time last time that we're going back to Cobbs and we're going to do the live show again on Thursday, the 20th. And the very next day we come back to LA and we do the podcast live for Los Angeles. We're doing it at the Comedy Magic Club in Hermosa Beach. This is a great chance for the West Siders to come see us through this show.

We've always done it in Pasadena live. So anyways, that's the rundown of the live podcast dates. But there's more for Christina. Tell them genes tonight. You're in. Oh yeah. Tonight I'm at San Jose, San Jose improv just Friday and Saturday. I'm only doing four shows this weekend guys.

And it's important because I'm taping this for my hour. We're going to do an hour special of standup comedy with the Christina Peezy. Can you believe it? It's crazy. I'm so happy for you. Yeah. I'm excited. I'm really ready to do this.

So guys, if you want to support and help out, please come on Saturday night, either show eight or 10. I'm sure it's like 7.30 and 9.30. One of those. Check the website to make sure the time on that because I'm not fucking, I don't work at the improv. Go support her genes. Either early or late show.

Please, please, please. Next week, I'm at Denver, Denver improv March 6th through 9th. And then shit, man, after that, I just go podcasting with my jeans. Yep. It's going to be a good time. It's going to be so much fun. I can't wait to meet all mommies on the roads. It's very special.

I like it when it's all mommies in one room. You know, it's different. Like you do these big clubs and you know, like there's pockets of mommies, but when we all come together, it's magic. Yeah, it's awesome. So fucking cool. And we might have a really cool. If you're a New York person, we might have a really cool press date while we're there.

But we'll, as we get closer, we'll we'll confirm it to be sure that you could listen to us together on some major national press that we're very big fans of. Yeah. So that should be. Oh, I touched the microphone. I feel like you want to upset me. It's not that genes. I just can't.

I get, I need to get comfortable in the right way. Because if I lean back, then I'm too relaxed. You just want to do it. Shit. Why don't you help me floss? It's like you want to. I got this jerky in my gums, please. Can you are you serious right now?

Can you stop doing that? Help me. Come here and look at it. You're making me crazy right now. Come here. Dude, put your finger in my gums. Stop talking about it. Give me your beard whisker.

Stop it. Come here. You're making me crazy. Please. Help me. Stop saying that. I can't help you. Aren't you white in your teeth?

They're so yellow. Oh, stop it. You're so, I'm so over this right now. You got to knock this off. Please drink your wine. So done with this shit. Our last episode. What?

How did you go to there? I'm just done now. You're done with the whole show? Yeah. Why? I don't want to do it anymore. You can't quit on the show. We need you.

No, I don't want to do podcasts anymore. You're just done? Yeah. What about all the live dates we have coming up? Canceled. I'm done. You sure you want to do that? If you...

Is that what James Brown would do? He's right behind you. He's got his fist ready to come at you. He is. He's really... Don't be like that, Jeans. I love you. You're the cutest.

You're the best. You're my number one. All right. I'm back. All right. Are you ready? I'm ready, yeah. You, by the way, are in rare form tonight.

Why? Flossing, picking the teeth, and then during that read, I saw you digging for gold. You're really, really pushing it tonight. Well, do you know why I realized? You're the main mommy and you have to do these things? Of course, that. But I realized too, like, oh, I haven't even picked my nose today. You know, when you're like, oh, I've done my whole day and I haven't really cleaned it

out, so I went in and I just gave it a thorough cleaning. Yeah. All right. And then I looked and I saw this candy wrapper from when Ernie was here and I gave her, I was like, oh, do you want this Reese's Cup? I took a bite out of it and she ate it anyway. She ate it. It's here.

It was like a week old, yeah. Oh, more than a week old. Really? I saw this Halloween candy. Jesus. I bit into it. She didn't even blink. Maybe we haven't heard from her in a while though because of that.

She was like, oh, I got sick. Oh, man. All right. Ready to do this? Yeah. Party, man. Yeah. I'm such an info.

I mean, I just fucking swallowed a load twice today and it's only like one o'clock, two o'clock in the afternoon. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house. Oh, thank you.

That was really nice. That's how Theo would play the drums. He's the best. You know what's so cute is that we took him for a walk today and he'd shit. Oh, I got to talk after that. He took a big shit before we took him out for a walk and then we walked past his favorite pile of grass and he forced a shit out just to shit on that grass. Yeah.

Just be like, this I always, I've run this neighborhood. Yeah. And then he kicks his little legs up. He really, he squeezed, he cleansed himself. He went, he got colonics just to get that out. There was nothing in there. A little squirrely straggler came in like. And then it came and he's like, that's goddamn right.

Shit is my motherfucking neighborhood. Yeah. Theo, you really feel as though you own that, that piece of grass. I don't feel nothing. I mean, it is what it is. You know, I'm from, I'm 10 times 10 with an S on the end. It's black, you know. I don't know where that is.

Where exactly is that in Downey? That's, you better show motherfucking respect. Oh, I'm sorry. You weren't the wrong colors, by the way. What color should I be wearing? You know what, you know what time it is. Theo, I noticed that your dad gave you like a minty bone treat to try to cleat your, clean your teeth and stuff.

How did you feel about that treat? You know, it's like cigarettes on the yard. You keep shit to trade shit, make shit happen. You know what I'm saying, baby? I'm a wheeler. I'm a dealer. I make from the pineapple to the big apple. I just, I get shit done.

Okay. So you're saying you didn't eat the treat? Eat. What the fuck are you talking about? I ain't eating that shit. That's some bullshit. Bullshit. Yeah.

But Theo, it's supposed to keep your teeth and gums healthy. Watch you put one up your ass and keep that healthy. Okay. Is that the way you talk to your mom? Is that the way you talk to the motherfucker? Oh gee, this shit. Okay. Theo, also last night.

I'm gonna use that motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? Okay. To get shit. I won't. I don't want that fucking shit. But I know one of these nasty ass Labrador's motherfucking Chihuahua. They be like, oh, what's that shit?

Well, you know what? You gotta give me something to get something. You know what I'm saying? Okay. So what are you bartering or choose for? Fuck I won't. Uh-huh. And vodka.

Vodka. Or gin. Gin. And the Labrador next door has vodka or gin. You know, it was next door with a couple of drunks. Oh, you're right. I said give me a bottle of gin. I'll give you this fucking chucho or you could put up your stupid fucking lab ass.

Okay. All right. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And that's it. That's that. Okay.

So last night we noticed that you snored extra, extra, extra loud. Yeah, I also noticed that you turned and you kicked and you moved and you were disruptive to my motherfucking sleep. But maybe you shouldn't sleep right in the, the nook of my leg. Like you crawl in there. First of all, I don't even understand why y'all don't sleep on the couch and give me my bed and sleep in peace. I'm sorry?

The bed is my bed and y'all keep fucking it up. Okay. That's a people's bed Theo. You have your bed on the floor, your dog bed. Now you have your bed on the floor. No. Yeah. Theo, that's a people's bed.

The bed that dad and I sleep in, that's for us. And then you're supposed to sleep on the floor. You're lucky we even let you up there. You're lucky I don't bite your jugular in your sleep. Okay. Theo. And you're lucky I don't piss in that bed. You better not piss in that bed.

I'll drop kick you. No. I like to see that shit. I'll stab you in your sleep. You'll stab me in my sleep. Your own mother. I rescued you. Do you remember that day when I rescued you from the shelter?

Apparently you forgot what time it was. Apparently you can take the dog out of the shelter. You can't take the shelter out of the dog. That's what's up. You better not forget it. I'm Theo. All goddamn day. 24-7.

I'm not ashamed of it either. I take this fucking collar off and show you my neck. You know? Uh-huh. And that's a real move by a real motherfucker dog. Okay. You know what's funny is when you're hanging out with us and you're not on the microphone, you're really like a sweet guy.

Like you're just kind of docile and cute. I want everybody on you. You cannot disrespect me. Nobody's disrespecting you. I cannot disrespect the shit that I run this motherfucking block. Right. I piss this shit where I want on everybody's yard. Let them know.

There's a new motherfucking sheriff on the block. Right. Now I notice that because there's a dog next door and one time he came in our yard and he took a shit in our yard and now you go and you shit on his yard. We know what I did do though. I pissed and I shit in his food and his drink bowl. Wow. That's pretty sinister.

It's called stepping up the game. No kidding. Yeah. Wow. You're so tough. I had no idea. What's up? You were really pulling on the leash today to the point where you were like coughing.

Even we put you in that nice harness. Oh, no, that wasn't a harness. What was it? That was your cigarette. I've been smoking like a motherfucker, man. Last night I smoked two packs. Oh, you smoked two? When?

I didn't wait. We were with you. I mean, where did you go? You went to bed. I went to smoke. I had a good time. I went to a party. There was a party over on the avenue.

Everybody was getting down and then I ended up smoking too much. Stopped coughing it out all day. Yeah. Yeah, I noticed that because you were really pulling on your leash. What is this? The fucking Spanish Inquisition? Can I go? Yeah.

Go ahead. Stay down. I know you're tired. You have a full day. Question, question, question. All right. I love you, Theo. You're still our dog.

Whatever. Love you. Yeah. What happened there? I don't know. He's got such an attitude lately. He really does. I mean, you think a dog would respect you because you rescued it from death row and then he

just shits all over us. You know, it doesn't bother me. He never disrespects. What did he say? Was he rude? He was so rude. He said that our bed is his bed. Can you believe that?

He's such a cute little guy. He trades the treats we give him with the neighborhood dogs to get alcohol. I'm not paying those vet bills. Alcohol? He drinks alcohol? Yeah. He said that he goes over next door and he gets vodka and gin from the neighbors. Jesus.

In exchange for the chews that we give him. That's unbelievable. That's not my little thief. Not my thief either. Jesus. He's drinking. It's just what he learned from his old parents. Not from us.

He didn't learn that behavior from us. What did you think of the opening clip? Oh, that was neat. Was that Jules? No. What sounded similar to her? A different performer. Strong performer.

Ava Devine is our name. That's Hitler's girlfriend's name, Ava. Ava Braun. Yeah. Yeah. You look like her a lot. Me. You.

Hitler's girlfriend. Yeah. It's really sweet of you to say it. Thank you. I meant it as a compliment. I meant it like you look very nice today. You look like Hitler's girlfriend. Like that.

That is nice. Thank you. Yeah. So she's talking about how she just loves cum. Well, she's just a complete whore, she said, and she's very open about it. Would you like to hear some more? Yeah. Thank you.

Here's a combination. They kind of clip together some stuff. The good people at eFucked put this together. I'd like to give them credit. Oh, thanks. They always do a good job. So let me ask you some personal stuff. Please.

How old were you first started having sex? When did you lose your virginity? I was 13. Yeah. But when I was 14, I was, yeah, sucking a bunch of guys off. Yeah. Well, you know, since I was very young, I used to hump on my girlfriends' legs and cum and suck their tits and cum.

So, yeah, like at five, six, you know, and it's weird. People say, how did you, you can't cum at that age? You can. Well, when I was young, I used to work for an escort service. Right. You don't have to change the subject. She's just mouthed, I still do. That's why you're a dip there.

Oh, okay. She got used to work and then she goes, I still do. Oh, okay. You know, they'd send me over to a hotel and the client would be a handicapped person. Yeah. And I love it. So you're equal opportunity. You'll fuck a handicapped.

Oh, I love handicapped guys. I fuck them all the time. Are you serious? I swear. I love that. Yeah. Everyone knows I love the retards. Um, wait a minute.

One's not the same, right? Is the other? Just being handicapped doesn't make you retarded, right? And she said the retard retards. Well, she obviously listens to your mom's house. Obviously. Wow. Wow.

It's right. Oh my goodness. Hmm. If you're missing a leg, you're retarded to her. Well, she's not that brave. I'm guessing. Tell me a little bit about yourself. How did you get into the porndice?

Um, I was sick and tired of sucking and fucking in the crazy horse too in the VIP room. So I figured I need to broaden my horizons. So I said, fuck, I'm just going to do some movies. Fuck Big Bear Back Cock when I love and get paid for it. And then I can be a whore and get top dollar. Um, I would love to do a hermaphrodite, one with both parts. Pussy and a dick. I would love to like finger fuck her and eat her cum while she's jerking off.

And I would love to fuck a father and his son at the same time. Hmm. Dreams can come true. Remember? Holy shit. I think, yeah. I mean, if you dream, you know what's nice is that they're putting the affirmation out there.

I know what I want. And if you put it out there as though it's a reality, it's going to come true. It's the law of attraction. Hmm. There's a father and son willing a few. How many father and son teams are willing? You think not most, but there's got to be tons. Yeah.

Like how many? Like, you know, like, this is a good one to think about backwatery folks who aren't really smart. There's got to be a father and a son who are willing to double team to come. My guess is that I would say in the United States, there are probably. Hmm. Hmm. 5,000 father son.

Wow. You're you're in the thousands. I was going to say like 200 solid candidates like viable candidate. You know, like camera ready, ready to go. Because I didn't know we're taking the gift camera ready. My number's three. Okay. But I was thinking like a father and son combo that are like would do it.

Hmm. I think it's that. And then I think worldwide 30,000. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. That's a really, that's a neat guess.

So interesting. You know what I was just thinking about yesterday sidebar is how it was so normal. Like in a Greek culture to have little boys to fuck. Like you just fucked little boys. That's before people went, oh, wait a minute. You know, we shouldn't molest. Why were they all fucking boys? Um, I couldn't have, I mean.

For pleasure because the society was like, you should eat to the point of vomiting. You should fuck. There was no, it was pre-Christian society before Christianity came in and was like, okay, man and woman are married, procreation, fucking's bad. Everything's bad. All right. So it was all pleasure all the time. Yeah.

The Greeks just like, you know, pantheism and they just had a more open thing going down. Sub-Greeze. Any hoodles. This girl believes in it too. Let's see what else she has to say. I fucked this guy while his boyfriend fucked him in the ass. So it was like a train and I was on the bottom. And then I remember I was choked out with a collar getting fisted and drinking my own

urine by this dominatrix guy. It was pretty wild. And then I would say another wild thing they did was I was getting dp'd by a guy at a tranny. I thought that was pretty interesting. What's the wildest thing you've ever done? It's right in that ballpark. It's the same kind of thing. How do you top that?

My wildest is like one time I did it on a rooftop in the San Fernando Valley. I was 20 years old. Oh my God. I didn't know this story. And then this brought us like fisted trannies. You were in a rooftop of what? Sorry. I had to do it.

Apartment complex or what? Yeah. It was just it was stupid. It's like where we went to go drink and hang out and stuff. No, I know. But it was summer of 90. You brought it up. He's just writing.

97 or something. Yeah. Okay. It's not a big deal. Yeah. Oh my God. You guys are so disgusting. I think it is gross.

But that's like wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. What's wow? Just like and then a tranny fucked me and then my boyfriend was getting fucked in his ass and there was like a train and his friend and then blah, blah, blah. It's just a lot.

Yeah, it is a lot. It's a tall order. I've done shit like that. What, which part have you done? I made a girl out, made her drink her own piss out of a bowl. It wasn't a big deal. Yeah. Hmm.

Yeah. I've done, I've done all that. What do you think? I'm being honest here. What do you think? What kind of personality does this? Like what kind of? I mean, obviously there's something, you know, horribly wrong, horribly missing.

That's why you're trying to fill that void. Right? Yeah. Fill your own, fill your own hole up. Fill up that void. Seal that. Seal that shut. Fill it up.

Yeah. What do you, don't you think? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's tough. Retarded. Yep. We had a roommate in college who would just bang everything all the time.

She was like, she was smart too. She was a nice girl. But what do you think was going on? I think she hit her dad. There you go. A lot of dad issues. He hated him. Like just hated him.

Yep. There you go, man. It's revenge. God damn it. It's kind of sad. Yeah. These porn things sometimes bum me out. Yeah.

Honestly, they kind of bum me out. Honestly. Yeah, I understand that. What about blowing dudes at 14? That's pretty crazy, huh? Yeah. She said suck in tits. She was like, suck in my girlfriend's tits when she was five.

Five. There's no tits at five. It's a much older pair of tits. Damn. Jesus. That's pretty wild, dude. Yeah. Pretty wild indeed.

I think I did naked cartwheels with a friend when I was like seven. It's about it. Yeah. I didn't have anything. I was very innocent. Very young. You never played like doctor or anything? Yeah.

Yeah. But I wasn't pushing the peener envelope. I wasn't doing that stuff. Come on. Is there more? No. That was it. That was phenomenal.

Thank you for sharing. Yeah. Yeah. I feel disgusting right now. Yeah. It's pretty intense. It feels depressing. When I was in Orlando this last week, I really hit a low one day and I was sitting on my

bed just eating like cheese and crackers. I had two beds. One bed for eating, one bed for sleeping. There was a day where I was just like, fuck it, and I bought a bunch of Gouda crackers and I just ate that in the middle of the day. That's what listening to that clip makes me feel like. That's sad. Yeah.

Why did you think your friend wanted to get revenge today? He was kind of a domineering, threatening, douchebaggy guy type, but they're very wealthy. I think that, yeah, it was just revenge. Dad's being a dick. What was the wealthy part of the deal with it? Because it seems to be a common thread in the girls that I grew up around. The more money they had, the less connected the parents were to them and the parents try to buy affection or they ignore their kids is what I found.

It's actually the people that had less money that paid attention to their kids and had good homes. Interesting. Yeah. That's my estimate. Obviously, there's exceptions to the rule. Money doesn't make you an asshole and there's a lot of poor people who suck too, but yeah, there's a correlation.

There's a lot of Catholic girls I grew up with that were getting back at dad. A lot of good white girls doing. Sometimes they come from good families and they do that though. I mean, it could be rebellion against. The fact that even dad's good. Oh, I don't know. Gosh. That's what I'm saying though.

It's not always a douchey dad that they're getting back at. No. I feel like I used to, I mean, in high school, I can think back to people that came from good families. I mean, of course, you never know the intricacies of a family, but pretty much, yeah, but you can tell when someone's a real fucking, you're pretty intimate too because you're in their homes. It's not like people that I would see from a distance and they're like fucking to hate

their dads and they're like, your dad's a pretty sweet dude. Who knows? But I do know that the majority of girls I think that are in this line of work have been molested and abused. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say, Jesus, molested and abused. Well, that brought the mood down. No problem. I want you to listen to this instead.

I was going to knock her in the head one day out here beside the garage because she called me out and retarded. Retarded, retarded, retarded, retarded. Retarded. Retarded. Retarded. Retarded, retarded, retarded. That was awesome.

Yeah. This is really good. That was a retarded song. Yeah. I'm sorry. Retarded song? A retarded song. No, retarded song.

Yeah, baby. It's retarded. Oh my God. That was really great. Speaking of great, you mentioned some techniques that you wanted to share with our viewers. Yes, what happened? I'm not sure what happened. I just know that yesterday we were laying in bed and you...

Ah, this is what happened. Yeah. I'm laying on my side. I'm facing you. I'm facing you. I reached my hand back. I fart. And as I put my hand next to me, you go, don't fucking do that.

I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I fart. And as I put my hand next to me, you go, don't fucking, don't cup it and throw it at me. And I go, I would never do that. I never do that.

What are you talking about? And you're like, you acknowledge that's true. It's not my... I don't wave it at you. It's not your MO, but I thought I saw and listened. Right, but that's not... But let's be honest, I was high. Yes.

I just saw in my periphery. So you thought I was going to wave a farty. And then you go, then what's your hand doing back there? And then I vary casually because I was just telling you the truth. I was like, oh, I was lifting up my cheek to play with the pitch of that fart. And you said, what? And I said, you know, everybody does that. Nobody does that.

And you go, I've never done that. And I go, that's everybody does that. Nobody in my life, 37 years of my life, I have never seen a man or a woman or a dog or anybody play with their asshole. We're throwing a dog into this. Theo's a person. I've never seen somebody play with the pitch of their fart. Okay.

I think everybody does this. And when I was talking about everybody, let us know if you do this too. I think you do. I think you've all done this. Let's say you're laying on your side. You feel a fart coming. You go and you manipulate your butt cheeks so that the fart noise goes up and down. Well, here's my quantity.

And you can also, like I was saying, if you're seated and you stand as you're farting, that will also move everything around. The pitch will change. You want a different pitch. See? Is that what he's doing? Yes. There was that stretch at the end.

Yeah. Did he move it? He's moving it around. Here's my thing with you, though, is that that's a very big gamble because what if you spread your butthole open and then poo comes out? You're spreading your butthole all the way open. What are you doing? Well, your cheeks are together, your butt cheeks.

So when you fart, that plays into the noise. If you spread them out, you get a different noise. And if you make them go up and down, you know, it's just air coming out against either something is there for the air to go against and it creates a certain noise. Right. Like a whoopee cushion. You're at a whoopee cushion and you play with the whoopee cushion. That's all I'm saying.

But I think I'd be afraid for you for the brown to come out. It's not brown right there. It's just a fart. There is brown there because farts push the shit out, as my mother used to say, farts push the shit out. So there's shit there. That's why the farts are happening. But not every fart has a shit right there.

There are certain farts. You go, oh, that fart is there's shit right there. That's true. Some farts are just, you know, some farts are just there to say hi. Yeah, they're just, they're just, oh, you fart and you go, oh, all right. Oh my gosh. That's it. That's all you do.

Yeah. I didn't know this about you. I feel like you just kind of, did you just start doing this? No, I've been doing it for years. Babe, I don't buy that. We've been together for almost 10 years and I've never seen this move. How come? How come we're on the couch, remember?

And I stood it and I farted as I was standing up. I remember that was really special. Yeah. Those were also very unique noises. Unique. Yeah. Yeah. Because the fart changed in the middle.

Like that. I do remember back when we lived in the apartment and the ghetto, you used to pump your leg to the rhythm, to the sounds. You would coordinate your leg movements to coincide with farts. Did that affect the sound or you were matching the sound with the movement? That affected the sound. The leg pump. Very much.

See, you just remembered back to a time when I was doing it. I didn't know you were manipulating sound. Oh yeah. I didn't know that. Oh yeah. Of course. I didn't know you were this smart. I didn't know you were this advanced.

Of course. I mean, I'm sorry I doubted you, Tom. Yeah, I fart. I fart. Now how's your farting in public been going these days? I feel like member 2013 was the year of the public fart. I was on a bit of a kick for a while where I really wanted to make it known that I'm here to stay.

I'm here with my farts. Yeah. I remember we were checking into a flight and you're like, you know what, fuck it. I'm just going to let this go and you farted at the kiosk when we were checking in. I leaned over the monitor. Yeah. And that was the year you declared the year that I'm going to fart. Yeah.

How'd that year go for you? I had a lot of farts. Year review. Yeah. We didn't really cover that. I definitely did well. I did well. Any memorable moments on that year?

Well, that's one of them. I mean, I let a bunch rip in public. I let one rip in public last week. Really? Yeah. Where? I had a gate and I even, I came up off the seat, farted it. You could hear it.

And then I sat down and went back to reading. That's nice. Yeah. I've gone officially to just farting on airplanes, like just full throttle. I don't even try it because the good thing is the engines are so loud that you just let it rip. It's the best. You can fart, fart, fart.

And you can really smell fart sometimes. That's the best. I wanted to punch him in the fucking face because he was doing the pelvic thrust. Oh, you could see it. Oh yeah. He was older guy. No. Smell like fucking garbage.

No. But then I was like, you know what? I respect the game. Yeah. I do too. Yeah. I often sometimes I get angry at other people when I smell theirs and then I go, you know what?

What? What? What? What? What? What goes around comes around? Fart karma. It is far enough.

Sometimes you give it. Sometimes you receive it. Yeah. It can be. It's quite, it's unbelievable to fart like some of these people do though. Jesus. There's some real animals out there. Wouldn't you say?

Every week there's animals. Yeah. Every single week. There's animals on every airplane. Oh my God. Unbelievable. Speaking of unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Unbelievable. Really. Oh yeah. Real talk. Oh yeah. Real talk. Oh yeah. Real talk.

Oh yeah. Real talk. Oh. A little show called my strange addiction. Have you seen or heard this lady before? Usually what I do is restore a lint roll in it. And sometimes Herbie in there and I have to pull it out. I should be able to lick it like that and nothing get caught on my tongue.

But he is ready to go. My name is Jennifer and I'm addicted to eating mattresses. Oh yes. I remember Jennifer. I remember this. She looks like a mattress. She looks like a fucking California king. Jesus Christ.

Is she huge? All right. All right. She's eating the stuffing if I'm not mistaken. Yeah. That yellow foam stuffing. She eats her fucking mattress. Man.

Man. What is the allure to that one? That's got it. And it doesn't. I bit into a pear last week. That was a little sand papery, like one of those purplish pears. And I was so like skieved out by the, like on my tongue. Yeah.

Could you imagine licking foam like. Eat it. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Man.

It's so bad. It's so bad. Woo. I like my mattress playing and straight up. I know mayonnaise, butter, none of that. Yeah. There's like a horror texture, like my taste bluster. You know, kind of like, like a good store.

When I found out they jump to eat mattresses, I would just bump on it. I was like, oh. She's so enormous that mattresses are just one of the household items she has to be eating. I think she eats lambs. She eats new cars. Yeah. I think she's eating chairs. Yeah.

I think she's shoes. Yeah. Like the blondie wrap. Holy shit. I think he should have been like, when I found out she was eating mattresses. I was like, yeah, I can see that. Yeah. She's been eating the whole mattress.

It's unbelievable. She's a big, big. It blew my mind that she did that. Jennifer eats about a square foot of mattress every day. Holy. She's consumed more than eight mattresses since her addiction began. Oh my God. I make sure when my mom's not going to be in her room or I could be in her room.

Let's say when she's getting in the shower, tiptoeing in here to get it. The reason why I'm not eating my own mattress is because I ate my mattress already. Oh my God. There you go. That wasn't mine. She tiptoes. Mom doesn't know yet. Mom doesn't know.

When the mom gets in the shower, she goes in the room, takes some mattress, puts it in her pocket and goes back to her room. She eats a foot a day. Yeah. Well, not much mattress is left at this point. Well, there's a mattress gone. So what is she sleeping on? Like just the box spring?

Yeah, but then she ate that. So now she's down on the floor, but she started eating the floor. It's like, it's so hard to wrap your head around this. It hurts. It hurts. And how does she shit? Um, she doesn't look like she doesn't shit. She looks like, um, she looks like, um, that if she asked if she could shit in your house,

you'd say no. Yeah, like she takes. She takes unbelievable shits. What if when she shits, little beds come out? They'll be really funny, like perfectly made ones, like Barbie beds. Yeah. Um, I can't be good for your Barbie beds. It can't be good for your intestines.

No. Can't be good for nutrition. No. How does your body break down like foam mattress padding? I'm sure it doesn't. I'm sure if this, we, we had more of this audio, um, there would be a scene with a doctor saying like, you have to stop eating your mattress and she's really bad for you. Uh, I know my doctor said I shouldn't eat the mattress, but it tastes so good.

I can't stop myself. I know it's going to be hard to quit eating this mattress thing is mattress tastes real good. Thing is I like it. You, if you have another piece of mattress, you'll definitely die. I don't know if I could stop eating the mattress though. Or my favorite is like when they see the psychiatrist. Um, do you think that it's right to eat mattress?

I don't know. What do you think? What happened around the time you started eating a mattress? Nothing. Nothing. Oh wait. Yeah. I was gang raped by five of my friends at a frat party.

Oh, my dad left that. Like it's always correlated to like a horrific event. Of course. Of course. Human beings are really not that hard. Yeah. At the end of the day, it's cause and effect. Something happens to you.

Shitty. Something bad happens to you. You don't deal with those feelings. You start eating mattresses. Yeah. It's pretty fucking cut and dry kids. It is true. Cause and effect is what it's all about.

You gotta deal with your feelings. Gotta stop eating mattresses. You gotta get help kids. Um, so apparently they're like, there used to be this, uh, dating, uh, site or like back in the day, what they would do is you'd make a little video. Uh-huh. Put your video. Oh yeah.

Like, okay. Like love connection. Yeah. And this one was called dating on demand. And this is the, um, like some of the highlights. They have a lady who this is like her clip from the dating videos. What's my nickname? How'd I get my ad in them gave it to me and needed this boo.

I did a lot of romantic things for my, my man, my friend, whatever, you know what I'm saying? Uh, I can't say that did the thing for me. I'm a sucker for money. The happy moment so far in my life was my kids. The way to my heart is good. The way to my heart is good. That's not the way your heart.

What is that? She. Hmm. What up? Maybe it's a really philosophical answer. It's good. You're the philosophy major. Uh, like, like meaning the, um, like Socrates definition.

They were looking, but think about it. They were looking for the way to my heart is like my stomach or, you know, the way to my heart is shoes. I'm saying that the good meaning Socrates said, you know, there is such a thing as the good. What is the good? What is considered good? What is justice?

What is happiness? What is virtue? So maybe she's having a Socratic dialogue here. Maybe this is what we're dealing with. Hmm. Hmm. That's your guess. Yeah.

I'm going to go for Socratic method. Hmm. She's looking for a dialogue. The way to my heart is good. I think it's really how when guys are sexy, the sexy thing about me, I cannot tell you. You should date me because, um, I'm kind. I'm not all that ugly. I'm so far.

I'm okay. So far. I'm okay. That's why you should date me. I'm kind. I'm not all that ugly. So far. I'm okay.

You know, I'm, I'm sold. I'm not that ugly. Would you mind if I sent her a message? Please. So far. I'm okay. Oh, she's sad. Yeah.

Well, whoever sent us that, thank you very much. What would your dating video be like? I'm so, I would love to see your dating video. Um. I can hear FIFA right now. Yeah. Of course. It's all he does all day.

Oof. Did you give him beer again? He's so drunk. I told you to stop doing that. He's so cute. Is he on his back? Let me see. No, he's on his side.

Oh my God. He's so cute. Um, what would your dating video be like? My dating video. I'll be all holding me thinking about it. Well, first of all, it would just be me from the waist up. Topless. Jesus.

And then I'd be like, do you like sloppers? I got sloppers. Then when you pick one up and. No. No. Why not? No. So stupid.

Nobody does that. What do you mean? Everybody does that. It's a cool. You're the one who just said. Everybody does that. You said that you're topless in your dating video and you say, do you like sloppers? Who likes sloppers?

Okay. I also like barbecue. The end. That's my dating video. And then you, and then you go to your butt and then you fart and then you spread it open and you go Tom's a girl. Yeah. Tom's a girl.

How horrifying would it be to make a dating video? I think that's the hardest thing ever. Like, you know how obnoxious it is when people go, oh, tell us about your act. Like telling people about yourself is probably the hardest thing to do. Why is it so hard? And you wouldn't, do you really want, I mean, I respect the people that can do it without sounding like an asshole. Yeah.

Because even if you want to talk about your good qualities, like you sound like an idiot. Yeah. You sound like a do-sure if you're like, well, I'm, you know, I'm very athletic. Yeah. I'm an outstanding singer. I love to cook. Right. And if that really were your interest, you would sound retarded saying that.

Hmm. Yeah. I feel like you're, it's just... Like think about things you really like. Yeah. What do you really like? I like really gay shit. Like, okay, I love, I love watching TV.

Here's the thing. Here's my actual dating bio. This is the truth. I'd be like, I drink a lot of wine. I love... You don't drink a lot of wine. No, but I like to have wine. I like to eat.

I like to lay down. I love watching television, preferably really dumb reality shows. I like the beach. That's true. Am I going to exercise with you? Not a whole lot. And you forgot the tag. What's that?

Hope you like sloppers. Hope you like sloppers. Yeah. But don't you wish you could put an ad out there like that? Of course. Like, here's the deal. We're not going to exercise a lot together. And I don't go to church and like, I'm not perfect.

I snore, I fart. I like processed meat. Kind of. If you're in a prostate massage, I'm a candidate for dating you. I wish there was an honest dating site where you could just like say that. You know what I mean? Like, I mean, like my friend, Eric, who's like, he's dating people. And he always has to make like these...

Erica. Yeah, Erica. Make these profiles. And he and I always joke about that. Like, why not just fucking say like, look, I work a lot. All right. I don't have a ton of time for fucking hobbies. First of all, who has time for hobbies?

If you're an adult and you're trying to make a living, who the fuck has time? Oh, I rock climbing, surfing, fucking catamaranning. Nobody does that stuff in real life. That's your ideal self. Yeah. Of course. Just say the truth. I'm fucking lazy.

I like to drink. I like to eat. Watch Downton Abbey. Downton Daddy's. I'm a Downton Daddy. I don't give a shit when anybody thinks about that. I guess this would be my dating profile. Downton Daddy.

Hey, I like to, I like good food. Yeah. Good drink. I like to watch shows. I'm not going to be too into going out. If you like to go places, not into that. And like concerts, doing stuff. If you want to do stuff, you got to leave me out of it.

I don't, I don't like parties or friends. If your idea of a good time is, you know, hitting this festival and then going to this, this other cool event that's in town that week, the Tequila Fest. The past. Yeah. We shouldn't hook up. Dinner parties. Yeah.

I like it. Also, like, don't bother me too much. Don't touch my stuff. Don't touch my stuff. It's huge in this house. Yeah. I mean, I really prefer to text, get a texting relationship going. And I don't know, if you got sloppers, that's pretty cool too.

Yeah. And then my video would end. Yeah. And also, I'd like you to come to me virginal. I don't want, I don't want you to pass with anybody else. I don't want to think of you fucking other people. Nobody at this age would be not cool with somebody having a past. I just don't want to know about it.

Like, don't tell me how many disgusting people you've been with. Jesus. Why do you know they're disgusting? I haven't prejudiced towards people that have, like, slept with tons of people. I just, I don't date dudes like that. I just, I automatically assume the worst of them. Like, ugh, you're just gross. I kept it low.

That's why we worked out. Sure. I did. You don't, you don't tell me the truth. You're always like, ooh. I've always told you the truth. There's no, there's no truth missing. Yeah.

Yeah. I've given you the fucking straight up numbers. Okay. Here's another bio edition. Do you like to eat brownies hot or do you let them cool off? Excellent question. Yeah. Excellent question.

Yeah. That defines you as a person. Are you letting them cool off? Are you eating them piping hot? What is your answer? I hate it. Here is my hand on the lever, which will open up into the pits of hell. Because isn't it, it's little things like that, that make or break the relationship.

It's, okay, hot plate it, hot tray of brownies, fresh out of the oven. Do you A, go, no, no, no, everybody wait. Let them cool down. 20 minutes. They got to be groomed temperature, or do you just fucking dig your hand and burn your hand and burn your mouth. In your mouth, yeah. Nice and gooey and warm.

Do you make something hot right now? Sweet treat. Me? Yeah. We'll see what we got. Yeah, I'll make a treat. Yeah. Yeah.

But we, obviously the saguras air on the side of hot, burning your mouth, lava hot. Because you need that shit now in your mouth. What am I going to fucking wait? 20 more minutes. Your friends are cool now. I just waited a half hour for this shit to cook, man. You fucking nerd. One time I went to a friend's house and they made lemon bars, and I don't even fucking

like lemon bars, but I was so bored I wanted to eat them, you know. And now my host was like, oh, we got to wait for these to cool down before we eat them. And I remember being like, you fucking square. Square pants. It's the last time I went over there. There was more audio from that. Oh, let's hear it. Horror.

No, the crazy horror. You want to hear hers? Yeah, let's hear it. I didn't know there was more here. Do you think she lets her brownies cool off? I actually interviewed you one time in Vegas. How did I do? You were great.

You let me dry hump you from behind. Do it. Yes. I want to see you even wilder this time. I'll pull your dick out and suck it right here. You're right. Get out of here. Get out of here.

I fucking need it. Cheat me like a fucking horse. Yeah. Bring that motherfucker back here. Come on. You put it back on. Yeah. Nah, she let that motherfucker slide.

This bitch butt hole inside out, nigga. She's a prolapse anus. I don't like that. Oh, no. Kidding. I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like that.

I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like that. Oh, no.

Kidding. Not a thing. Dug it out, nigga. I think I don't care. Look. Oh, this bitch, bitch. Boom. Inside out.

I love it. I love it. My actual pulse out. Oh, my God. A lot of enemas and a lot of anal and fisting and a double anal. And it's just started coming out more and more. I could do it now. This is what my mother warned me about.

I talk about this in our bonus episode of the ice house. My mother worked for a psychiatrist while I was growing up. And she would tell me stories about homosexuals, those darn homosexuals who were butt-fucking each other and how they would ruin their anuses. And it would cause their anuses to stretch to the point where they had to have them sewn up and all these horror stories. Look, oh, she was right. Yes.

That really happens. That is. That's what happens to straight broads. You know, I think as they say, that's really, that's something else. Did we, did we finish the, did we do any shout outs this episode? No, let's do some. Oh, yeah. Wait, but what do you think?

Did she let the brownies cool or not? She definitely doesn't let brownies cool. She goes for it. She's one of us. I thought that in the last time we did shout outs, I forgot, did Graham Baker get a shout out? Sounds familiar. I feel like he did.

He did. Graham. Graham, don't let those brownies cool. I think you already got your shout out, Graham, but you're getting another one. The great Robert Levier Jr. Diabetes. Thank you. Robert for participating.

And again, everybody, you will get the autographed Christina PCD, but it is now coming on April. Yeah, we're delaying that. You'll still get your poster. Yes. That's going to come. Yes. And it's not too far off. So thank you.

And of course, we continue to do our shout outs, a big shout out to Jordan Stromberg. Put your dick between your legs. Jordan Stromberg, you are a legend. You are a wonderful man. And we honor you. We honor you. How do you like that? We honor you.

We honor you. And then there is the great, what's this? Excuse me. Can I put that over there? The great Ryan Constantine. Man. Ryan Constantine, big shout out to you. Thank you for participating.

Thank you for getting involved. You got your shout out. You'll get your poster and your Christina PCD. You're back to flossing again. That's how we started the show, and that's how we end the show. Christina P is never done flossing. God damn it. Thank you guys for listening to our show.

Please visit your mom's house podcast.com. Please visit Tom Segura.com Christina comedy.com. Follow us on Twitter at Tom Segura at Christina P. Please join and like the Facebook page. It's a Facebook.com slash your mom's house podcast and we post there every week. It's a fun little forum. And of course, don't forget to come see us live. We're doing stand up all over the place.

We're doing the podcast in Brooklyn, in Columbus, San Francisco, in LA. And we have dates coming up, too. New ones that we haven't announced yet. So Jeans, that's it. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Theo loves you. And we'll see you soon, guys. Meow. Do not mind being in something where the word nigger is used over and over. I'll generally drop the hand bomb. Yeah. Get a nigger story. Yeah.

Whoa. We definitely just heard you say it. I'm quoting a movie. The real nigger. I'm sorry. I'm using the phrase. The nigger. The nigger.

The nigger. The nigger. The nigger. The nigger. The nigger. The nigger. You know niggers do when they bullshit out here. I'm a real nigger.

Niggers are saying they're doing nothing. Well, I'm just, I'm afraid I can't say any more. What's the argument? Niggers are saying they're not doing things, but they are doing things. I'm sure to be doing. That's the premise, face. Right. What are you not understanding?

The n word. Yeah. Right, right, right. Oh my God. This is the lexicon of what we're discussing. Yeah. What am I supposed to say? Any word every time that everybody thinks the word nigger is right.

You can talk like they're not doing anything and they're doing shit, but there ain't really nothing. You know what I'm saying? Oh, do you? You know what I'm saying? Nothing. Nothing. But I just feel like, you know.

Big words. Um. Yeah. Yeah.