Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 202-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 5, 2014

Yes and no. We both do and do not know what you're saying in this, the ultimate You Know What I'm Sayin sound off. We provide insight into every race and culture's attempt to say what they're saying. Do you know what each of them mean? Perhaps Tom should add to his "Black vault" of voices as he nails the homeless, nude gay man getting penetrated in the streets. Don't disrespect judges, know what we're all sayin? Lots of music in this one plus some choice Would You Rather's. Give your mother a hug! J-J-J-Jeans Unit!

Welcome to your mom's house she's in the kitchen right now making your favorite meal we'll talk to you in the meantime what's up jeans hi denim I'm excited to do this I'm always excited for a new ymh we have a lot we have a lot of good audio for today today's gonna be a lot of fun it's always a lot of fun at your mom's house it is she makes the bed for you she hangs up all your favorite old toys make sure you can play with your Star Wars stuff that you like when you were a kid yeah she wipes your brow when it's sweaty and she brings you a couple of milk cuz it's like you like and cookies your mom jeans you're going

to the mile-high city right right now I'm in Denver you're going oh yeah sorry that's when the stairs huh yeah there's on Wednesday I'm leaving tomorrow they have yes right Denver Colorado Denver and probably March 6th or 9th and then after that the ultimate jeans tour with my husband it's gonna be fucking crazy where do we start the 13th the the 13th we start at the bell house in Brooklyn we're so fucking fired up all we keep hearing from people too is how awesome a venue that is yeah I can't wait so thank you everybody that has has gotten their tickets if you haven't please get on it buy your tickets they the links

are up they're on our respective sites your mom's house podcast calm Tom cigarette calm Christina comedy calm the next day knitting factories filling up very nicely thank you to everybody that has purchased those tickets that's on Friday in Brooklyn at the knitting factory you can get a discounted ticket if you get it online only online do they provide that discount and then the next day the 15th we're in Columbus hopefully all the Desquad Ohio Columbus Cleveland and Toledo and Cincinnati jeans will be up over their nipples we really need you Ohio to come out to make this a success so we hope you come out

on the 15th at Woodlands and then the very next week the tour continues we go to San Fran man disco for cops on the 20th and then we're back in the our lovely city of angels Hermosa Beach comedy and magic club on Friday the 21st Hermoso Hermosa meaning the brother the sister at Mosa Beach beautiful beach how lovely I'm so excited for all these tours yeah it's gonna be great nothing better than doing the podcast live it's totally different and we have a treat because next week we'll be actually giving you one of our live shows as a regular show but this one is fucking crazy it's the last Pasadena one we did

oh so that'll be a regular the regular airing episode next week excited about that what else there's there's some more dates which ones I don't know any other days you got I go to Cleveland in April April 10th check me out in Cleveland than that let's not go that far in the future guys yeah okay and if you haven't gotten your judge a judge a jeans unit sure how they make am I getting it put that shit on high and tight man what's going on so rad it's the cutest radish shirt yeah ever follow us on Twitter at Christina P at Tom Segura you get the updates of our lives yeah and next week two pictures of what

the sandwiches are that we're eating and we also have I'll have new sizes the people are gonna be excited about next week but I'll bite my tongue as to which one oh got a lot of requests for this that's why we don't went ahead and ordered it mommy farts yeah here we go happy what why did you say it with that accent happy happy why did you say it like that I think you might like very much happy it's like the phone accent the syndrome I think you might like you might go down one out what did she say she says have a no accent no she says I have a not my voice I have a not have my

voice in yeah three year now I haven't heard my voice I have a not my voice in three year now I have a not actually heard my voice in the conversation for nearly free you know free so unbelievable so great it's so fantastic there's so much fun coming up right now what do you say let's start this show I like a to start at the show let's start this show you know I'm saying you know I'm saying do you wait do you know what I'm saying yeah you feel me yeah you hear what I'm saying no I do do you still know I'm saying yeah I know what you're saying I know I got you I got it do you know what I'm saying you know I'm saying

you know I'm saying I do let's go let's do this you know I'm saying you know I'm saying let's start you know I'm saying yo yo know I'm saying no you know I'm saying oh yeah yeah hip-sang hip-sang hip-sang yeah

Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this Don't mom in the bucket stand Welcome, welcome to your mom's house with Don Segura from Sub-Sub Christina Pajitza

Christina Pajitza welcome to your mom's house positive punch working up reach go

balance strength agility go panic high-fives jether innen

jesus christ very powerful opening for such a powerful show lot of people grwith got very well very good Wellington

Newfoundland st lake is thought It's comingll off this much at this point but he'll be coming on very soon you know what I'm saying he'll be here soon

so just count on it you know what I'm saying before we get into anything I just really want to thank all the San Jose mommies who came out to support me this last weekend

it was beyond anything I could have ever asked for you guys really made it spectacular it was an amazing taping I have a fantastic submission now and I just want to thank you guys well congratulations jeans thank you to all the little

San Jose mommies well when the little mommies come out it becomes big mommies you know what I'm saying yeah I know what you're saying they really they do it big there man that theater and it's such a gorgeous theater and it was like full to the balcony

it was ridiculous I bet they hooked you up too the club was probably like you know these people came out now we want to give some of it to you that's not how that goes but it was pretty cool well that's interesting

yeah it was pretty cool otherwise I like knowing that the mommies were in the audience well that's great you know what I'm saying wow that mean that's a you know what I'm saying yeah that's kind of like

I owe you one fuck with my ass man you were jonesing for that earlier yeah sometimes these clips get wedged in my head as I imagine they do yours too and everybody who listens to this show the youth listener I'll be

but it's interesting that you were like I really have this playing in my head right now fuck with my ass man hey what does that say about what's going on in your head fuck with my ass man fuck me it feels good it feels good when you're fucking me he says it feels good

when you're fucking me stop it I'm gonna throw up he says it feels good it feels good he tells the imaginary person that it feels good to them and then he says it feels good to him too I swear to you

he's like you like fucking me and it feels good fuck I didn't catch that bit he's super positive about it fuck fuck me fuck me

fuck me fuck me man fuck me fuck me it feels good it feels good it feels good when you're fucking me fuck with my ass man shit

shit shit stop it my stomach hurts my stomach hurts you fucking ass shit shit oh shit

oh shit feels good now it feels good to him fuck me fuck me stop it just pause it for a bit if it feels good don't it that means doesn't it feel good to you

and then he goes all the shit feels good so that's when it became that it feels good to him well for those of you who don't know that clip that one is called homeless guy gets raped by a ghost isn't that right?

homeless guy gets raped by a gay ghost you have to understand this man is not having sex with anybody or anything no he's lying on his back with his legs pulled up to have his dye dye changed and his pants are down he's exposed

and he's fully having sex in his mind and he's talking through it fuck me in my ass man it feels good don't it wow you sound really a lot like him that could be me that was really good Tom

you do a good homeless guy it's really so funny you look homeless and then you do the voice of one the very first time I met with an agent my first Hollywood agent meeting I sat down at a table there was like seven agents there

they always know how to make you feel good especially in the beginning of your career they were like stand up we really enjoyed it my whole thing was I wanted to break into acting more I was like look I just want to get in in rooms get opportunities

to book roles the lady who oversees the television department looked me dead in my face and she goes there's a number of big homeless roles coming up that can be perfect for me I was like huh

I was like are you because there's that thing Tom would be good for that well do your voice you should go back to that fuck me in my ass man do you have these same agents today I do

I say you set up a meeting with all of them I would say they dropped the ball I haven't been able to go out for any homeless roles I think it's just because they haven't heard this voice that you've been doing I think you should set a meeting with all of them feel good when you're fucking me fuck me man

fuck me fuck me fuck me good fuck me good fuck me so demanding so demanding ride that horse

fuck me fuck me shit oh shit man shit get in the ass get in the asshole get in the asshole man shit get in the asshole

get in the asshole get in the asshole why couldn't that happen to me why couldn't that happen to me in life I'm sorry which part did I stumble upon this guy I feel like that heavens would open and I would just ascend

you know this is one of those things that in a world of suffering and awfulness god himself places little goodies like this in your way god himself sprinkles light and love in your direction and sometimes it's in the form of a homeless

man getting imaginary raped by a ghost sometimes it is that yeah that's so funny dude I like hearing the guy behind the camera laugh he holds on for a long time fuck me in my ass man fuck me in my ass

what was this do you know what I'm saying so it was sent to us by a listener it's like Japanese girls talking in the beginning it's very quick you like hip hop and she's like yeah you know what I'm saying and then she tries to say it and it's so cute

and she's trying to sound like hip hop like she's down do you like hip hop yo like hip hop yo yo I'm saying yo I'm saying yo I'm saying no don't do this

do you know what I'm saying hip sing it probably blows I'm sure in any language like you hear you hear language for as long as you do and then you hear like that and you're like what the fuck what is that

if you're not familiar with English in your first language I mean I listen to Brazilian music you hear me listening to the Portuguese the Bossa Nova music all the time and I only know a handful of words you know obviously abrigado

and there is this everything is I'm trying to think of another word there's always what is the the eyes of March I was the Marcho

I think that's how you say it see I can mimic what they're saying oh El Fino Camino El Pedro El Fino Camino oh oh

look at you I'm like the Japanese girl we're on Brazilian your mom's house right now there's two four Brazilian dudes making fun of me right now and then there's German guys making fun of us

so many different ways to approach you know what I'm saying there was a Japanese girl that was cool we found out from a lot of apparently some of our listeners

have hung out with skinhead Rob I'm sorry people know him I don't understand what do you mean skinhead Rob makes music he used to be a skinhead

now he makes music and you know what I'm saying people know him he's from Fresno he's California based wow he did say that he did say that this is not

skinhead Rob skinhead Rob wait a minute so let me wrap my head around this so the guy calls himself skinhead Rob is a rapper now under the name of skinhead Rob or that's just his former alias

I um pretty bold to go around being like my name's skinhead Rob he has a Wikipedia holy shit his name is Rob Aston he's an American rapper best known as a founding member of the

rap rock group the transplants he's also a singer in a dbeat punk band called Death March his career began as a roadie for AFI and Ransom I know those two he became involved in the transplants at the end of 2000

alright he joined a Houston rapper Paul Wall I'll remember that guy Paul Wall it doesn't really talk about his life I just know that that's what he goes by yeah he looks like he's got a crazy grill

in this thing here so did Paul Wall if I recall correctly Paul Wall didn't he have like a crazy grill a white guy with a grill no yeah yeah he makes them what was his big

jam you know I'm thinking of Mike Jones for some reason I get the two of them confused no they're both Texas guys you're not wrong Paul Wall sounds similar to me in my head this says what the fuck is his big

he did his whole thing was doing that chopped and screwed shit right that was Paul Wall this is not my genre bro alright this has 5 million views whatever this Paul Wall is yes yes I remember this type of shit

yeah you know what always makes me crazy about artists like this they always have 8 versions of every song so you're like if you like one you're like I like that song that person made you search for it and you're like why does the same title sound

different 16 times they remake every fucking version of their song it's the dick tip version and you're like how about the one I like can you just play the fucking version I'm into I got this one that's dipped in chocolate and that's how we release that one

this one's called fuck me in my ass fuck me in my ass man fuck me good feel good when you're fucking me that is identical I mean you really have a talent feel good when you're fucking me you gotta

that is amazing Tommy okay I like this so anyways skinhead rob knows what he's saying who else knows what they're saying I know what you're saying

I know what you're saying you know what I'm saying yes I do yes yep I know what you're saying yes yes

yes I told you I said shut up shut up shut up that was weird Al

chopped up an interview with Eminem Eminem is another king of you know what I'm saying I forgot entirely about him we have Asia now we have two white guys does any other race say you know what I'm saying beats me

I'm in a loss here here's a little teaser Eurasians Pacific Islanders I can't put my finger on it I told her that's the part I don't know what you're saying and I don't know what you mean

you know what I mean you know what I'm saying most of what you said so far I do but right now I don't know what you're saying I don't know what you mean like you're saying what you're saying what to go ahead Judge Mathis

it's so good we gotta send this a few times I'm gonna throw up everywhere he is fucking hysterical Judge Mathis created created his show

people come in and obviously he's a TV judge this dude says you know what I'm saying to him he can't take it anymore and then I'll just let it play it's so ridiculous you already said that

now June came along and I was supposed to pay her I called her and I told her like look you know what I'm saying I'm kind of stuck I got $40 for you you know what I'm saying she's like oh that's not gonna work I'm like cool you know what I'm saying I can understand that

I think it was like two weeks or something like that come on just give me two weeks to give you something she gave me the two weeks like okay not even two weeks past like 11 days or something you know what I'm saying she called like are you gonna have that for me I'm like yeah two weeks time I'm like I ain't even got it

so this is the second time you broke the agreement no I didn't wreck it what do you think be quiet listen what do you believe it is when you tell a person I'm gonna give you some money and then you do not give it to them you listen to me I'm about to tell you

you listen to me answer that question I said again say it again what does it mean you know what I mean when you when you tell someone when you tell someone that you're gonna pay them you see what I'm saying

that means that and you don't pay them you know what I mean that means I pay them they're all supposed to pay them their money right if you don't pay a person when you tell them you are you know what I mean that means you breached the agreement you see what I'm saying and as a result

you haven't paid it yet you know what I mean so you're gonna have to you're gonna have to pay it today you see what I'm saying so $640 for the plaintiff you know what I mean cause he hasn't paid you like he said he was gonna pay you see what I'm saying so judge me for the plaintiff

oh my god Judge Mathis I have no idea who is so funny dude oh that is so great do you think judges can do that on non-TV shows definitely like can you just do that in a regular courtroom like sass on

judges can do anything they want whatever it is that you as long as you can look yourself in the mirror don't you remember the judge we played him on this show we played the judge on this show who the girl was a smart ass to him

he was like come back here what did you say he was in Miami and then he's like okay Belle is now $5,000 and then she's like alright like I think she flicks him off he's like come back here he calls her back twice

and then he had her on he had her again he had a special hearing like with her whole family and she's like bawling asking for forgiveness because that's you don't want to piss off the judge no I don't know why people even talk back

you should never push back on law it's a really bad idea yeah never I mean a judge you're out of your mind yeah I fought the law and who wins the law you know what I'm saying oh here it is here I have it right here

it shut the front door it's a good one you have to possession of Zanax Zanax what? Zanax Barf Zanax Barf alright I understand you're eligible

for $2,000 service no objection she has no priors she's being charged per fail which is improper it should just be one count it's already a bet she's you could tell body language she's like she's holding her hands

and she's smiling like she kind of smiled when he was like what's that so she's already like kind of like you should be serious yeah she's not really taking the moment seriously yeah and then she takes it less seriously here oh boy you working yes how much money making week approximately

approximately about 200 bucks a week okay and you own any property value a house a car bank account significant amounts of jewelry yes what do you own I own a lot of jewelry as well as go ahead

how much would you say your jewelry is worth it's not a joke you know we are not in a club now okay but it's we are not in a club be serious about it I'm serious about it

you just made me laugh I apologize it's alright how much is your jewelry worth it's worth a lot of money like Rick Ross oh oh it's worth money

have you had any kind of drugs in the last 24 hours actually no actually no I'll make it easy for the court respectfully I would say wait a minute this time I know I'm going to appoint you because you own substantial amounts of jewelry

you can go and sell your jewelry jewelry for a private she's laughing and like covering her mouth she's so loaded either loaded or mentally ill well she's um she's also like not standing still she's fucked up

you don't show up to the court date loaded I believe she says like adios what does she stand above it's gonna be no pts okay 5000 on count one and then the rest should be ROR listen to this dumb bitch to a judge

who's sentencing you oh yeah this thing is also referring to division 51 alright fucking get to it number one will be 5000 for our cost found down two will be ROR she's high as shit though

this is requesting ROR on count two through 26 and refer to division 51 is Ricky Ricardo the judge pretty much she laughed bye bye adios come back ma'am

come back come back give me the paper again she's laughing she's about to stop laughing though right count one will be 10,000 are you serious oh

damn oh then she just flaked him off come back again come back again bring him back again what an idiot it's exciting though I believe I heard you saying to

I believe you did you say did you say that oh you did say that criminal contempt 30 days in the county jail so fucking awesome so scary dude

I wish he would have done something you know like a physical physical labor no like a punishment was like say goodbye to your your little friend like the three fingers on your right hand

like it's Saudi Arabia those three fingers are gone that could be a little unconstitutional but yeah that is so that girl is so fucked up dude would you ever fuck with a judge like that that is so dumb

damn what a dumb fucking bitch yeah well I'm a big fan of that judge I love it yeah I like his that Cuban accent too that's pretty funny see in Miami I'm just guessing

that's so presumptuous it's totally Florida of course am I a yo so this is probably a good time to do this in keeping with the you know what I'm saying we've hit so many different you know what I'm saying

you know what I'm saying all the different you know what I'm saying they're all an inspiration to us we love all the you know what I'm saying we hope you keep sending you know what I'm saying in you know what I'm saying and

we made a request I threw this idea out there I told you I bet we can just ask for a you know what I'm saying song and I think that you know what I'm saying people would respond to it you know what I'm saying

so we threw that idea out there and then you know what I'm saying people did respond these guys are amazing by the way a lot of you are I can't remember everybody who sent in excellent music but a lot of you are

I'm trying to remember Max Newman, Pete Murphy there's so many of you I'm sorry but these guys have been crushing it Ghost Crew they sent in the Sharkisha song they sent in one of the

Sharkisha week yeah they sent in one of the crazy songs and then they sent in know what I'm saying right now and it's absolutely amazing I can't wait for this so here's the world wide debut of Ghost Crew

you know what I'm saying let's give it a listen you know what I'm saying honestly you know what I'm saying you know what I'm saying you know what I'm saying like this

my mom you know what I'm saying my that same French excellence the mayor of know what I'm saying he must be the mayor you know what I'm saying yeah

like this I mean these guys are incredible they're incredible and there's so many of you that are so talented that this is an idea we've been talking about so if you have sent in music and we played it on the show

keep an eye out over the next week for an email from us we're trying to assemble a special audio release and we'd love if you check your email if we can get your approval

if you respond to what we are putting out to pick it up what we're putting down we will be able to do this with your collaboration so release and pay attention and more ghost crew

you know what I'm saying you know what I'm saying like this you know what I'm saying do anyone understand that I'm fucking believing it here's what I love about this one in particular they sampled

so many specific ymh drops like there was a ton of them Rodman, Orson Welles different you know Sands my ass was there what basis did we not cover

fuck me but I love it when you're fucking me honestly we had everything so good have we had an honestly song like a jewels I'm sure we have people we got a song I think we played it on

200 where people sent in songs for Maria like Maria jewels song like mashups that's what I believe we had fuck me when you're fucking me

I love it when you're fucking me let's see this is a Maria jewels mashup I think which is the porn star which is my sister which is Mabria

and which is a real porn star oh my god I love the game so many people know I fart on people's faces I'm gonna be blocked with my face I fart on people's faces I love it I fart on people's faces

I'm gonna be blocked with my face I fart on people's faces I quit the game and just put it in there what? shit on my tits shit on my tits shit on my tits shit on my tits

phenomenal this is the other one I can listen to this all until they were like two in you, three in you I love I'm proud of myself proud of myself which is my sister

my god my sister my sister my sister my sister my sister my sister shit on my tits

shit on my tits they're all amazing you know what the best part about our listener music is that this music gives me so much joy I could listen to this shit all day as opposed to real songs this is better than any top 40

piece of shit song they're playing on the radio it's for sure I like this song I can't wait to go back to Houston by the way I believe it's pronounced Halston if you're in New York City it's Halston it's time it is I know it's not stupid that they call it

you want to pour some wine for me shit shit man we've been looking about all day I got no wine in my glass fuck me in my ass isn't that weird though that they call it Halston and that's Houston not only that in LA it's Rodeo but everywhere else

it's Rodeo people has no comedian written a bit about that what's the deal guys I fucking I am one who also looks at that and says Rodeo in my mind we should all be saying it's Rodeo

what what is that sorry it's the chair rubbing against the desk and then Soho is south of Halston what the fuck out of here yeah okay you know what it's interesting you burp like that

I didn't have a satisfying bowel movement this morning it was a lot of a lot of build up like a lot of painful intestinal discomfort and like kind of just like a little kibble speaking of intestinal comfort did you like the alert that came up on my phone

yeah that said a high protein diet is as smoking 20 cigarettes a day you know who knows what these study every week it's something different but I can see if it's animal protein and high fat animal protein like if you're eating steaks obvi

but like chicken breast I'm like come on now come on now come on now in my ass that just goes to show that these wackadoodle vegetarians the robin rights of the world your girlfriend robin right stop talking badly about her I'm not

I'm actually about to compliment her and everyone that's like I'm a you know vegetarian vegan maybe that's they're right maybe they're right because those people don't drop dead of what is it of heart cancer what are they saying what is it heart attacks yeah

I mean how many vegans drop dead of heart attacks I don't know shit you know what I'm saying yeah okay you still know what I'm saying I still know what you're saying by the way how much I love weird Al Yankovic I feel like he's a national treasure he's been around for ages he's amazing

and he's a nice man I met him one time at an art show and quite possibly one of the kindest people in show business despite being in this business for as long as he has really oh my god and he wears that wacky wacky white suit with big shoulder blades shoulder blades shoulder

pads he's always wearing that it's like his trademark look is the wacky white suit you know oh and he yeah he's super sweet and you can walk up to him and be like holy fuck weird Al and he's just normal and nice to you oh yeah he does wear crazy shit huh

yeah and he doesn't seem sad like sometimes old showbiz dudes do like he's super like actually pretty happy yeah I know that if you talk to like I guess he's friends and does stuff with a lot of the more you know alt comics

out here oh does he yeah I mean like they all know him for whatever reason and they all speak incredibly highly of him he's super sweet yeah remember like growing up and like you know that unfat song and all that that was really good oh my god

he's a genius I thought he was a fucking genius oh of course I sang that song at a talent show good for you did you before I was fat really yeah kind of bombs me out now whenever I see that song or hear it I'm like why did I sing that

nope there you go you set it up you set up the pins yeah why do I have to sing that it's alright Tommy don't hate yourself I didn't want to sing that what's wrong nothing oh I thought you were looking at the board like oh my fucker speaking of awesome guys

in this awesome business yeah you sent me this as well yeah this is fun so you two um dig up dig up dinosaurs try it son

you'll have to get used to Dr. Malcolm ah so silly that's his awesome laugh and then you get to this awesomeness

hmm hmm is it gonna it's good one we're drinking Robert Mondabi why isn't it playing I don't know what happened it's just the link right to the I don't know it's that's it's a sound cloud thing yeah

it's playing it's 20 seconds in that's weird oh shit biscuits why isn't that playing oh jeans shit aw fuck shit fuck when you're fucking me you're fucking me in my ass

you're fucking me that clip is fucking us in our show asshole right now our show asshole is highly penetrated right now where is this is it working out oh so you two um dig up, dig up dinosaurs

oh try it son ah ah ah ah ah ah

ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

ah ah as much as those laughs are good I feel like there's better laughs that's a good laugh I think the all time best laugh on this show is probably

right here okay it's like it's like multiple choice multiple choice I think that is the best laugh I mean it's uh

totally multiple choice two questions you sound are you okay I can't believe I'm laughing so crazy I love him I miss him I hope we get to do that

cruise with those guys oh yeah they're throwing that in the ring I wouldn't mind possibly it's a possibility I actually like your parents a lot like your family more than I like my family

that's true that Jeff Goldblum thinks pretty funny though Jeff Goldblum is he's such like a whack-a-noodle like he always does these quirky little things in films I guess that's his trademark is to be kind of you know quirky remember the fly did you watch that as a kid

um yes I had a hard time watching that whole movie because it was so disgusting it was majorly rouse majorly major major god

oh you got some good ones for us oh you have them you read them from the emails I put them together I don't have it in front of me there's some winners if you will listener submissions like that

would you would you rather here we go here you go alright from Adam Z you and your partner wife

etc are sleeping in bed one of you will piss the bed badly I guess that means in great abundance yes would you rather it be you or your partner that's pretty good

fuck who's pissed what I'd rather it be bro I mean bro what do you mean I would rather it be you why because A no shame no embarrassment on me

I don't want to feel the shame oh my god I'm a 34 year old man pissed I'd rather it be you for that purpose and also if you were to pee right on top of me is kind of arousing

so let's say you urinate the bed but your leg is up and you're kind of straddling me yeah then I get you know sexually gratified but then we'll drown Theo in my pee I was kind of thinking along the lines

oh don't he doesn't want to like to pee I was thinking along the lines of I want you to do it because like it would feel nice and warm at first on a cold winter's night if your peener was up against my back and then you just pee on my back it would be nice I remember

we went white water rafting one time years ago and it was cold the water was really cold and then I'd fallen in and I stepped out the raft went down and you're wet and cold water and it's cold outside

freezing and then I had to piss and I was like oh he's gonna piss in this whatever the shorts the pants that I was wearing good call but it felt like I was burning because I was so cold and the pee was so hot it actually felt like fire

but then you know I got an erection immediately surfers do that they pee in their wet suits to keep them warm you know urine is fairly sterile I'm not too skewed out the only bummer is that it gets cold real quick and then you got to wake up change those sheets

here's what I'm thinking I'm the pisser you change the sheets every night every night oh wait a minute whoever pees has to clean the sheets right that's kind of how it goes I would think so so you pee you clean the sheets every night so you really just want to save yourself from having to do laundry

absolutely I mean it's just a hassle to take the sheets off in the middle of the night because you can't sleep on piss it gets cold and grody we could get rubber sheets you know that's what we would get into we would get into latex

we would definitely get into latex get into it yeah and then we do latex practices latex play I would um I mean does this mean I'm not allowed to put a didi on you does this mean that I can't make a

a bed out of didis why don't I yeah of course you can I mean that's what married people do maybe we get a didi bed they dress each other up as small infants and build adult size cribs yeah that's just what married people do I think I would do that

you bottle feed me or you strap on a fake breast and I suckle from your imaginary teeth you could pretend to fuck me in my fuck me are you fucking me fuck me in my ass oh man man

yeah I pick you because then you have to clean up um I would go with you so where are you peaching where are you choosing the partner yeah I don't want to be the one pissing the bed I mean I got no shame in my pee game

when was the last time you peed your bed like 10 mine was 10 11 or whatever some age like that and then one time in high school I fully pissed my bed like did you have a dream or something

and you woke up and I couldn't believe it I was like holy shit I flipped the mattress over oh yeah I would do that too yeah I was like 16 or 17 I was like what the fuck well I've had those pee dreams and then you wake up and you have to pee your body doesn't let it come I went right into it

stupid excuse me what shame yourself so stupid who does that this one is so ridiculous this one needs assistance let me

pull this up for you um this is this is really ridiculous somebody said would you rather um get I guess

penetrated um by this guy here I gave him the grease would you rather have him have sex with you or would you rather

like he's gonna do it to you or you have to have sex with the fuck me my ass guy god dammit again your choices are be penetrated by I gave him the grease or

you do the penetration but it's to fuck me my ass man uh really good one by the way really good that's from Frodo Milinakis Frodo excellent work listen I know where I'm going with this

I would much rather be the guy the fuck me my ass guy to fuck that guy because he's so appreciative I mean he's so on board you're gonna feel like a champ the other guy is really about hurting you yeah the other guy is a real sexual predator

yeah I don't know I don't really want to finger my own asshole you know yeah yeah but in the other scenario you're fingering you in particular have to finger the homeless guy's asshole he's so into it and he's so appreciative

that's what you think about I think it would be a good show I feel like I wouldn't have to do much and that guy would just be so happy he's kind of like a it's a win-win you know what I'm saying I know what you're saying you know what I'm saying easy for me easy for him

you know what I'm saying yeah I get it I feel like I know what you're saying I like his enthusiasm the homeless guy yeah I like his Joie de Vieve if you will he's really into it

I've never I've never appreciative lover you know he had that appreciation for nobody there imagine if there was an actual person inside of him right right that's I guess have you ever had a lover that appreciative I don't

feel good when you're fucking me no no of you I mean and he's he's so vociferous about it as well half of the most you could hope for was a couple moans and groans I didn't know you could get good when you're

fucking me right so vocal so expressive if you will Jesus yeah he enjoys it you know he enjoys everything in life I wonder if he enjoys sweets and you know eating as much as that and I am I'm definitely

fucking the homeless guy I I never thought those words would come out of my mouth but in this scenario I am definitely fucking that homeless guy his ass that's the beauty of your mom's house

you never know what you'll be up against you don't know what you're gonna say on this show I didn't know I was gonna say that I didn't know when you woke up this morning I didn't know that the other option that presented me would leave me to saying I'm definitely fucking the homeless guy

in his ass I think I'm gonna pass out I've laughed a lot I'm like late headed from Latin yeah Jesus god damn that was really that was really really quite an option choice thank you yeah that was really fuck me

fuck me feels good feels good when you're fucking me oh my why oh stars in heaven this last one I think it's coming from the same person I can't really tell did you get two from somebody

no no okay I probably just forgot to copy and paste the name okay alright had to get me on the sip I almost came out of my nose the wine almost came out of my nose well this one says would you rather be

two inches from a king for his asshole during one of his fart videos or and I actually think this is brilliant I actually do be I'll tell you why or two inches from his face during one of his glutton videos oh gross I actually feel like

being near that guy's mouth is so fucking disgusting I look at all that meatballs and onions and cabbage oh I wanna throw me

he's so disgusting you know but every time we play him a smile comes to my face I feel as though king ass ripper really has a talent I'm gonna go with ripper's mouth as disgusting as he is

I mean at some point he has to kiss a girl and he has to brush his teeth I'm not saying it's gonna be good but why wouldn't you wanna be near his asshole two inches from it cause I think there's a lot of shit sprays I think a lot of shit freckles come out

I don't like sprinkles shit sprinkles and you're gonna get some shit spray on your face if it's close enough what do you think you don't think that he sprays that's why the brown stains are on his panties and stuff cause he sprays brown when he farts

hey I'm having a big ass fucking breakfast yeah it's horrifying yeah he's eating though it's so fucking gross he's disgusting yeah I think the farts are they're too crazy his farts are so crazy hey speaking of farts

what happened in the shower oh damn well you know let's talk about it let's talk about playing with the pitch of your farts and one thing that affects your fart noise is if you have water

passing through your butt crevice oh interesting we haven't we haven't gone down that path yet the water will also affect the pitch it's a really fun thing to do so I had a nice flow water flow was running down

my back into the crevice my butt cheeks my burr and the water made it you came running in and you said what was that father is the bird here with the message for the family

well because I was sitting in the living room typing and I heard this sound and I just shot up like a flash and I was like what was that I was worried it was Theo I thought either the dog is sick or something bad came out of your butt

that's his eyes usually something coming out of your butt it was something coming out of my butt I fooled you you know a lot of bad stuff I think I'm with you unfortunately I feel like being near his farts would be too much I think King Ash Ripper is just too much that's intense

he's got a lot going on there bro bro bro bro that's it Jeans we gotta go we love you oh don't forget I forgot to mention earlier March 15 my special premiere is on Netflix

you forgot you should have said that at the top of the show I know but once here's the thing once March 15 hits you can watch it anytime on Netflix it is cool that's like so saying and then the audio album drops yes the audio album comes out I believe three days later

on the 18th fantastic and I'm holding my album we had some production issues so April yes just so you guys know April that's so rad bro Theo painting is like the most magical

we have two portraits of our dog right now the one we have on the desk is the tits one and it's just unbelievable yeah it's perfect we love it we love this show we're so appreciative of you as our audience please please keep listening

thank you for listening and check out your mom's house podcast please come to these live shows if you get a chance they're just so fucking fun it's a different experience and we love meeting you guys and we love talking with you and I hope to see you there

bye Jeans the podcast now we've had some laughs and then talked brown when time to end the podcast now Jeans up

white down oh now we've had some fun we've had some laughs and we hope to all come running back

now we've had some fun and had some laughs but please come on back you