Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 208-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 26, 2014

FART. That's one of many different noises you will hear on this episode. We really cover all the bases, YKWIS? Yes, there's a new champ in the You Know What I'm Sayin circle and it is GLORIOUS! Tina and Tommy both have Brown issues - You've been warned. Is or isn't the man we both see homeless? The Jeans are DIVIDED. Plus Jerry Lewis is still obnoxious and we have a first hand account from comedian and writer Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal). It's ridiculous and hilarious. Pull your pants up. BIKES!!!!

Part of enjoying life. Yeah, it's to make the most out of everything that you do You see lions out in the serengeti when they stake out their territory, you know, what sure they're sent It's what I do Any time I start blowing farts, you know 30 minutes later, I'll be dropping one in Did you just fart your hand? This was a real squirter drop my loan just chill him take it up He's the Oprah of shitting absolutely kind of the doctor Oz of the radio network You know the wipes people use to clean like their countertops industrial strength always use the handicapped It's hard to hold your cheeks together when you're walking down stairs the cheeks

Don't stay close on the butt the toilet seat covers work great It did the job you gave me great advice on how to wipe if you wipe too hard You need to wipe down like down like down Well, there you go jeans. That's the man, huh? I really miss that guy Top dog. Where's he been all my life? He's been around Like top dog knows everything Top dog knows a lot. He definitely likes to talk about what he knows too. He knows what he knows

He's the best Yo, so I'm going to Tejas this week San Antonio, you know Oh I'll be at lol comedy club Yes, that is the name lol laugh out loud comedy club in San Antonio. I will be there Thursday Friday Saturday and Sunday, please come and see me

Next week. I have a another tremendously long week. I will be in Virginia Beach, we've been to the Virginia Beach one. No, it's really good club It's really good. I think it's the funniest the most fun Funny bone in their chain Yeah, another ridiculous name, but I think it's the best one in the whole chain of funny bones Virginia Beach, so I'm there second through the sixth 10th 11th and 12th. I'm at Skyline in Appleton, Wisconsin Hey, my birthday show we're gonna do a podcast on my birthday in San Diego

At the American Comedy Company April 16th. It's my born day my birthday Come and see us. Let's hang out. I'm thinking of bringing treats What kind of treats sweet treats for people that we can all have sweet treats together from your don't bring them It's your smurf day other people bring. No, but I thought it'd be fun to bring them. It's just an idea And then what else The 19th in Pasadena, we're doing our podcast live at the ice house again. I absolutely love that room stage, too And then after that I'm going to Cleveland the 24th through the 27th, so

That's what's up jeans. What's going down with you? Well, I'm here in LA for a month, which is fantastic. How happy you're about that stuff. Yes And then I don't pick up until April 24th. I go to the Addison Improv in Addison, Texas But I'm glad to be home for a month and I'm Excited to be here. Yeah, I can stuff man. It's great guys One thing if you could help us out if you do shop on Amazon.com www.amazon.com Please go through our website your mom's

House podcast calm and click on the banner make it your home page. I know we've asked to do that in the past But we have a brand new link that we're using with Amazon and every time you shop it kicks back a little bit of money to your Mommies and that way you don't have to really don't have to buy stuff from us But if you buy stuff from Amazon and I highly recommend doing what Tom and I have started doing is automating our lives You can subscribe on Amazon to have Stuff delivered stuff that you normally go to the store to buy for instance paper towels Do you want to buy them every damn week or do you want them delivered to your front door at a discounted rate on Amazon? You can subscribe and get that shit mailed to you son. You can get anything food

Detergent toilet paper, which God knows we go through a roll a day. Yeah, this house. We got our dishwasher soap Got everything I felt like an old person learning about how email works when you told me about this It's bananas like you I was like, I didn't know you could do that I had no idea and I love I always thought that was just like a Service for like this super wealthy to have something delivered So well and because you you're buying at a bulk and you're subscribing you get a discount So they don't really they don't nail you on shipping and it's probably the best thing you can do for your life You guys you want to spend money and time doing that shit?

Yeah, and it's um, you know the the Amazon banner and it's the one that's up there now If you've bookmarked one in the past, yeah, please check out what's up there at your mom's house podcast calm now That's our that's our personal Banner that we put up we got we got taken to the cleaners by somebody else So it's it's our this one's ours and it does help and it's the easiest way to support our show because All you're doing is going through our link to get what you we're gonna get anyways. Yeah Also, they sell electronics get your electronics or Amazon. It's so much easier dude I mean, I practically buy my entire life on Amazon. I just got this through there. What is that? It's um, it's an it's a device to

Record I'm trying something new a new way of recording calls So this one this this little device I can plug into the phone But what I need to get now is a new cable to go from that board into this and where are you gonna get it? Amazon at through your mom's house I just farted. Um, yeah, you can buy anything on Amazon. It's it's probably the most wonderful And now they're gonna have those drones come and drop shit off. I heard mm-hmm. You can have shit delivered the same day It's just the coolest. Yeah Don't forget that's a good time if you go to your mom's house podcast calm

We also have the jeans unit shirt And we have the bike shirt One thing by the way I've been getting a lot of questions. We have a lot of new listeners. We always forget that like some people Didn't start listening at the beginning. They're listening in the last week or month or two months I keep getting messages saying like what is the deal with bikes? people asking well One of our award-winning episodes a while back we profiled scared straight and

It's an exchange from the show That we showed where we were just obsessed with this guy who basically was Running the program for scared straight that day Here's a little clip from it. The audio is not the best Because of the recording that somebody posted, but it'll give you an idea Oh That's the guy that ran the program and then he eventually got to our boy here There you go

That is the origin of bikes that man right there really that episode dealt with why Tom loves black yelling What is it about black people screaming at you that you enjoy whereas I I don't enjoy it It makes me regress back to junior high getting into fights with large black girls. Huh? But for you, it's like oh, it really makes you feel warm inside enjoy it very much I like very much like it. I very very very very very much like it So yeah, that's that man you go to your sights come see our shows come see the live podcast and We'll have pretty soon. We'll be putting up the live from San Francisco show. I'm sorry. Where live from man friend Thank you. That was a good time. Thank you. That was super fun. That was as they say

That was a good time It was good to meet all the mommies. We saw some familiar faces from last time which was really cool Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm, but the thief up with us the fee finator. I excuse me the fee flays down at night The fee flays down at night Hmm The thief is so fired up today. I don't know. He's got a real he got up super early. Yeah, I was weird man I don't understand what's going on I think it's Tom Tom's bugging him because he's also not finishing his food today. Yeah, I think he was eating grass

Yeah, I think it's a little Tommy's bothering him. Oh any shit? When I came back today from my shrink and it was blonde It was like kind of hot and he farted I could hear the fart and it was kind of yellow So I think his Tom Tom's no good. He's bothering him. He's eating. He's he licks the floor constantly Yeah, he's always eating off the floor. He's picking up scraps I've done that for a while, but not for like months and years straight like he does, you know I've done it for a floor. I've done it for like a weekend, but I'm sorry. Yeah, what do you mean? Like sometimes I'll go on a bender. I'll booze it up. You know take pills. I'll just eat off the floor

Yeah, but you know and I'll feel kind of sick, but he does it so much. Yeah Yeah, it's not good poor foofy poor foofy We have a lot of fun stuff coming up right now. So Let's let's start this episode. What do you say? Oh Bring anyone loving to this Wow play it play it play those drums Oh

Oh That's my kind of song. How did you know that would tickle me so much? Oh the homeless guy singing ass and titties as he's got a nice voice and it's what he does This is reminds me of that one of the groups I was in when I was younger the groups that I would sing in is you just you see what's out there and you just think about that Why complicate it? You understand what I'm saying? Why create you know, I'm saying you know, I'm saying layers You know I'm saying you know I'm saying no I thought this was a cover of a real song wasn't wasn't there a song by like two live crew called ass and titties

Maybe I don't think this is a cover of it. I think I think he's looking at ass and titties. Oh, I thought this was a cover Delicious I don't know the song I don't know so but I like it Are you thinking of face down ass up that's the way we like do do brown do do brown You maybe or the one yeah, look my ass up and down look at the tongue turn duty brown All right, this is a much more no, I'm thinking of and water soap soap and water. Yeah, yeah But this is a nice song. Do you think so? It's like uh, you know, it's like when a homeless man I don't really heckle you when you walk by as a woman, but if you think he's homeless saying that to me

I would be like, thank you sir. That's a nice. He doesn't look homeless to me though. Yeah He what part makes you think he's homeless all of it, babe. I'm looking at him. He's a little scraggly Yeah Maybe he's clearly not he's clearly. I don't think he's homeless compared to Jeff Tate Jeff Tate you think he's the black Jeff Tate Holy shit Very I'm very nicely done whoever he is that was sent in by a listener. So thank you guys Yes for sending that and thank you for all your stuff. Somebody comment underneath it

This song is old as fuck simply Google DJ assault ass and titties. There you go. So it is a cover I know it sounded familiar All right, just so I thought to myself I says I says to myself I says self this sounds familiar Let's see. Yeah, like a classic song. Let's see what comes up. Wow like a classic Okay I Like the so-called homeless man's version way more already. Why do you doubt his homelessness? I did he doesn't strike me as homeless What do you need a guy?

Looks like he has a well groomed well groomed facial hair get on nice gloves He had a ring when he took off his gloves a nice diamond ring on his finger. He just didn't strike me as homeless That guy's street version is a million times better than this. Yeah, this is like the divo version of this is horrible It's like craft work And the homeless guys Voice is debating. He's clearly homeless, babe Well, how many well-to-do career people are singing ass and titties well a number of might you know, do you? Oh, babe, would your dad be singing this if he knew the words. I'm not gonna say that he wouldn't do it. You know, I mean

There's a possibility. I mean look, let's just say you've been wrong about a bunch of things before Yeah, all right, how dare you um Ascent titties. That's what's up ass and titties ass ass and titty-titty boob Speaking of crazy screaming and we have so much to cover. Should we get into our call first? Should I play you a crazy clip first? What do you want to hear? Or the clip that you gave me that I haven't even checked out For the blind. Oh my this looks amazing. It's kind of the most amazing thing I've ever heard This was also listener submission listener submission

porn for the blind and you know that we are not against playing that on your mom's house so what this is is a service where they They describe Movie clips of pornography for blind people, right? It seems like a nice enough thing to do, right? Which I'm kind of a little Confused how do the blind get to the page and click on what I guess you have to have a friend do it right with you And then your friend goes, what do you want to hear about? Oh

Internal more they have I'm sure they have keys keyboards for the blind right so they can go to that page themselves But then they get this email. I guess maybe they go to the URL and then yeah I'm just so confused and listen to it because you can listen to a lot of you know You can listen to whatever you want to listen to and listening has its benefits, you know We know what's going on there you can tell by that yeah, you know what's going on in porn for the blind That's not what you hear No, it's it's much different. I heard that you farted on our show again Um, no what you hear is like people describing what they're seeing

And some people are better describers than others let's give them a let's give them a shot listen porn for the blind presents Come overload. This is a 53 second preview clip located at Http Colon's he listens to the show Yeah, this guy stole our joke. This is our show does the few full URL www.yourmomshousepodcast.com

Slash preview slash to dot htm the site is a bright yellow background The clip itself is surrounded in a green background at the top who cares right corner. There's a woman Pertaking in vaginal sex in the upper left corner. There's a woman taking an oral sex The title come overload is several clips of women performing various sexual acts This description is horrible Okay, we're going to start the clip now. What a fucking okay. It says presented by iDream Network

Okay, there's a woman who is sort of vaguely trying to cover up her vagina. She's looking into the camera and Now there's a point of view shot down from a man receiving oral sex from the woman She is licking the shaft of the penis She's also giving a partial hand job It's like a it's like a court Description, you know, I mean deposition or something. Yeah. I mean, are you trying to entice these blind people? I mean if you're gonna record mostly for the blind why not go ahead and make it tasty

Yeah, put put a little stank on it. That's what I'm saying. Let's see don't just report the news any of these are better There's one by a woman's voice. She does a really great job. You're like, yeah Come this is a 59 second preview Located at each TTP colon forward forward slash Monster cock.com. Okay, the web page of the preview or three big black cock being put in this woman by China And it looks like the train don't fit the tunnel train to a week to go into tunnel. They crazy Okay, now we're starting the crib

Okay, it says monster cock.com presents brain group I don't know why the film show blonde woman touch that man big cock They don't know what troubles you getting in. This is ridiculous. Definitely fake. That's fake. Yeah. Yeah, that's definitely fake I'm trying to find this woman you talk. We should also point out that porn for the blind is a non-profit organization Massachusetts dedicated to producing audio descriptions of sample movie clips from adult websites now Her club is halfway through. I want to say it has the word bad or I've clicked on it. So it should be a different color bang Is it bang maybe?

Yeah, all right, we walk in and there's a man sitting on the bed masturbating and then his Another some girl at the door So she starts playing with her tits and shit and she's like Ah And the kids like what the fuck is that he actually left like that to you Because he's a fact. So Fuck is that I don't know how he left anymore. He goes. What the fuck is that and the girls like And she pulls her shirt on

What she she closes the buttons on a shirt and she can't pull her pants up all the way because she's not wearing them So he opens the door and she's not wearing pants. It's like, I don't even know anymore This kid 12 Then the breathing into the fucking mic this horrible this kid needs technical help What's this? Okay, so the site I'm going to be presenting today is a site that's located at HTTB colon www.turkeyfuck.com and

When I go to the page the very first thing I see is an image and the title of it says turkey fucking and In the picture I can see a man that appears to be middle-aged with a deaf-lipper t-shirt And he has on no pants and his legs and balls are very hairy He appears to be petting a turkey As I look down and scroll throughout the page, I can see various middle-aged males Engaging in sexual activities with turkeys such as touching their

Genitals that appear to be obscured by the feathers. What one man is rubbing his hard cock Against the turkeys beak. Oh But I gotta give him credit. He did a good job describing. Yeah, this guy so far is the best describer Yeah, I mean if I'm gonna do this for them. I have to pick a we both do it. Of course. Yeah. Yeah What do you want? I would like to do like the jewels clip of being like, oh my god She's well in her she's you have to follow the parameters. They set which is you go to a site You describe one of the sample clips So you can find one of jewels and just describe her sample clip but not necessarily that clip

What clip are we thinking of the tantric sex guy? Maybe the Here's one that might be good. Let's see what this one is Okay, so this chick she's in my room right and we're getting all handsy and stuff And I could have sworn this she'd be tight, you know, you know, like, you know, you just have this hunch what? Well, I take her pants off her right She had this huge ass cock Like huge and I didn't even know what it was That doesn't sound like a prescription of a video that sounds like erotica

We walk in and there's like this chick right and she's in the room and Like she's there and then this dude walks in and he's like Hi, and she's like Uh Why are you in my house? And then they get it on because the nigga rapes her. Oh

Holy shit What the fuck is wrong with people? That's really crazy. Yeah, who said like who just that kid that was a kid. That sound like a kid. You're a 12 year old boy Oh negative man Believe they need a blue band. This is a one minute clip preview clip located at www.bangbrosnetwork.com Slash

T1 slash They're really into doing that I guess so that the blind person can really find intro find it. You know We should find our clip and get on this. Yeah ms 6 0 7 0 we should have your sister record it clip. It's a sexual content one. Yeah I'd be like, oh my god. That's cock is so bad. It has a Man standing there. He's a naked man throwing a frisbee to a naked woman

Who is now opening a an oven? Her breasts are right in the camera and a horny neighbor Is at the door? He appears to be Mexican both The naked family is greeting him and making him food The woman just touched his foot with her naked foot and now they're on a table and he um, she was being Aynley intercourse by the young boy It's there's close-ups of it. Um, her breasts are jiggling

And she's moaning very loudly. I like that. He's playing it in the background and now the happy family is back to black and white Leaving goodbye because they had a very fun time. That's so great. Why is everybody racist on porn for the blind? Yeah, we're not gonna do it that way. Why is it like then that person's Mexican presents college fuck fest This is a one-minute preview clip located at college fuckfest.com slash tour

Stop html And okay. Hey chica. That's your girl unique This is somebody fucking around again. Why aren't people taking this more seriously? This is a real service This is a service for blind people for fuck's sake. This is very very upsetting that people Yeah, I don't I don't like a joke about this. Yeah, there's some guys out there that need to hear women out there need to hear it Yeah, there's a lot of them. We're not even getting through this Really? I wish we uh, yeah, there's so many Well, we don't have to limit it to today's episode. No, of course not. Well, why don't we revisit this later?

This is um, fantastic. Yeah, what a find Um, thanks for sending that in listener. Yeah, that was really great. Um So much to cover Can I just interject one moment? I have a very important dental slash brown talk update You made reference to this earlier that we would do a dental Slash brown. I don't know how to prepare our audience for that Oh I like that it's a mash-up if you will that's what the kids are doing. Um, what is your dental brown update? So

Uh, as we all know, I've had my real teeth ground down. They're nubbins and then I have these horrific Like fake Whatever. Yeah temporary veneers. Yeah, so the problem with the temp veneers is that they can pop off very easily like today I bit into a mango and I could feel it lift just from a mango So it's really really tender and my bite doesn't line up properly because they're so bulky scary jeans It sucks. It just sucks and I at april 3rd. I get my new teeth, but until then Here's the problem is that I can't eat anything crunchy. I can't eat nuts and things like that. So I've basically been eating soft

Unhealthy foods like malto meal mashed potatoes Just shit food and guess what's happened Oh, you've been going to brown town a lot. No opposite day I've been oh because you've been eating these shitty foods shitty foods. No veggies. No no browns Minimal brown and today this is horrific. I drank my coffee. I went to the bathroom And I made number one. Wow It was peasy and hard

Yes, and I swore to myself. First of all, I dropped an airy schaefer I dropped an airy schaefer it hurt And I said to myself self All these people calling in writing in about how their browns are number one You guys are not eating your vegetables because let me tell you something I came home and I made a batch of poop soup and I made some eggplant And I'm farting up a storm and I'm gonna shit tomorrow, right? Wow, and I don't care if I my fucking teeth fall out. I need to have vegetables. That's the only way I can brown

That's a neat story. You're welcome. So for all of you who have trouble with your brown I guarantee it has to do with your diet Please eat your vegetables. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you I'm running for congress. That was um, that was something else I was uh, I had the opposite of your experience today I was at the um At the production office. Yeah going over Those scripts with them. Yeah, and I hadn't eaten

Started to get really hungry. They have a great like kitchen All kinds of stuff and we immediately I had first I had some almonds I like then they had fresh fruit out. I ate that But then I had a piece of chocolate Then I had a cookie like all these mishmash things On an empty stomach it I was with my friend rami and I was like, oh my god. I go to the bathroom right now And he was like, come on. I go. I swear man. It's like that hit you

What like we just ate like regular little stuff something about it. Huh? It was horrific What number rami this is for you Babe Jesus christ babe. Yeah You didn't record that I did today. Should I oh, we cut it out of the show. It's pretty bad, huh? No, I mean, can I hear it again? You want to hear it again? I mean, I it's not the funny part is that I hear this every day. You don't hear this every through the door But it's usually gassier. Let's play it again. It was bad. All right, rami. This is for you

Yeah, that's what I hear every day That was bad Jesus christ When you looked in the bowl Did please tell me you looked in the bowl. No Did not not at all Why aren't you looking as soon as that came out? I hit flush. Why aren't you looking you got a look? I already know what it is. It's a mess. It's bad, but you got to see if there's blood

There's always blood. I don't know why you you asked me about this Every time I go to the bathroom one or two blood comes out of either end First of all, this is your normal sound for your bowel movements. This is what I hear through the door No, it's not and it's so horrific. No, it's not. This is something's wrong with you. Um Oh, did you notice when we had snusci the other day? No brown no explosions And we I had been having horrendous diarrhea from there and it's because we didn't order that one roll that's fried I think that was it Remember you blew up you blew up the toilet at the sushi place last time you taught it. Yeah

Not but not this time not this time, but you got up to pee and our waitress looked nervous. She was like, oh, fuck He's gonna do it again Oh, she was not she was like, uh, sir She wanted to she wanted to go put a sign on the on the door right away That said like, uh, toilet no work A toilet no working toilet Toilet doesn't work as succulent chinese me. Oh

How does she know she she's got like, okay, doesn't she? It goes high. Yeah Hey Okay, and I'm a ebi. Okay. And uh caterpillar roll. Okay And then she looks at she goes that's a lot of food. I thought I took too much food And we go fuck you bitch Speaking of diarrhea Thank you everybody who has

Checked out my special on netflix speaking of diarrhea. Um, I talked about it there. Um, I also Want to thank you guys you you I owe you a humongous and this is a very sincere. Thank you For getting the album Completely normal. You bought it. Um in abundance. I was number one for almost an entire week. Wow. That is huge jeans So I really really sincerely. Thank you. Thank you for netflix watches and and for starring it Um, you wrote such insane reviews That they thought we got spam Oh, you're kidding because the reviews are like I was I just watched a special

Well after I got riding my bike my jeans are so tight And they were like, yeah, I don't know what this is all about But it says something about jeans and bikes and I was like, oh, that's good. That's our listeners. Yeah So that was fun explaining that but thank you a genuine. Thank you for For watching it and for getting the album. We appreciate it. We have the best audience. You guys are awesome And speaking of more awesome, let's keep the funny going They raise an awful lot of money with fraternities and sororities at colleges and dances and they've been wonderful Well, the young man that came to tell us how much he how much he had earned for this year for our telethon

Was such a cute kid. I didn't have the nerve not to let the mischief and the silliness and me come out Oh, it's always out jerry Jerry Lewis whom I you know only know as a massive celebrity, but as somebody before our time apparently he did a little a get together he does these not a get together but a They're like spend an evening with type of event, right? Yeah, which is odd for hold on

Jesus Christ, which is odd for a celebrity of his level to oh my god, that smells I mean I'm stewing. What is wrong with you, man? Oh my god. Do you smell it? I'm going to die. Here's what I did Oh my god, because I ate mango egg plant Can you imagine what Megan's gonna think when she hears this episode that we have her on who doesn't know us at all? This smells like

We've played me going to the to shit and you farting live This is officially Way over the line I know this program Megan's going to be like Yeah, maybe I don't want to meet you guys Sorry So we uh We were just you know, I was going through my twitter feed

And I follow vice. They a lot. You know, they have a great show on HBO They've we used to get the magazine and when we live in silver like we were a little hip kids Vice was cool before cool was cool. You know, I'm saying like those fuckers were like talking about doing coke and stuff When it was before it was cool and now we we um We were reading this article about Jerry Lewis doing

His um his an evening with Jerry Lewis very famous comedian and actor And um We read the article and then we reached out to the writer and we got to talk to her today about what it was like To spend an evening with Jerry Lewis and um Jerry Lewis from what I recall as a child I mean they would play his crappy movies My channel five and it would be like him and wacky glasses With his eyes crossed and like he would have like big fake front teeth like what I have right now Is a joke like he would be like oh

Like it was about him being retarded is what I remember. Yeah, he did he did retarded stuff A lot. I mean, I don't know what is this is this not supposed to sound retarded Yeah, I think that's about right. I remember it like that. Yeah, I can't I can't tell you a single film But I know that he's so he is so famous and then he did those telethons every fucking year and That's what people are from right even my dad doesn't really give a fuck about Jerry Lewis And that's kind of his lane He's one of those guys that like I gotta say I like it's it's more fun and endearing to to get it like to talk about a

A guy from you know from the past who Is a little sweeter and like I don't know like you want these old guys either be funny or be kind But if you're like both you can be right. I'm saying or be in that realm, but like when they're It's like they get bitter about the fact that they're not considered Who they used to be, you know, I mean like they're not the current star so they get like Oh, right. That's how what that's my sense of him

I guess you know people are like who and he's like you fucking have no idea I think actually that fame amplifies whatever you already are So if you're a piece of shit, guess what now you're a piece of shit That's in the spotlight and has a lot more money than you did before Yeah, either way. I've never been a fan to be honest Yeah of his and so when I read this article it really made me laugh And then we reached out. So here's uh, here's our call from uh, just a little while ago All right, so joining us right now on the line is megan keester. She's a comedian

She's a writer and we had the joy of just stumbling across her article on vice about Seeing I guess an evening with jerry lewis. Did you did you seek this out megan? Or was just just something that like how did it how did it come to be that you were there? I found out that he was performing Um, and they they were very vague with the description of what the performance would be. So it's Instantly in trance I simply had to be there

For the for the for the eve. I felt well, there's a 2 p.m. And 8 p.m. Show. I felt like 2 p.m. Was probably Wow So that's what you know, he locked his energy And what was the advertisement like how was it? How was the evening described to you? in the reading materials Yeah, well, let's see the brochure said that he was the true King of Hollywood's true king of comedy. I believe is how it was described. Yeah

And also, I mean this is also something he mentioned in the show apparently newsweek at some point describes him as one of the most Recognized celebrities in the world, although I tried to find the newsweek in question Decades back and should not find it So if you could find that that would be great. I don't know. We'll put our our research Our research team will get on it right away. Did you did you look in the microfiche in the library? You know, I I'm not I'm not a journalist. I should have done that You're you the article is really really funny

The way I mean just your writing style Which is odd because you are abroad and we all know as gerry would say that broads aren't funny Yeah, but Yeah, yes, he said his his mentor was his his fat aunt Some name I don't remember so I mean if if his mentor was his fat aunt I'm pretty sure Answer women, right? Usually I was very confused by that. But maybe it was a Nutty professor medea type thing where it was a man dressed as a woman I we can only hope yeah, so now you described the demographic as like super geriatric old

Was there anybody under the age of like 70 there besides you? Yeah, I mean there were there was more than one child there. So there were too many children there They're children. Yeah, what really grabbed my attention. I think it was on my twitter feed. I mean I follow vice And the headline just made me like it grabbed me because it said Jerry Lewis is still alive and in parentheses and still a piece of shit That was not my choice, you know, you gotta you gotta be a little quick Little quick baby in the modern world of journalism. Well, I mean, you know, thank you again. You guys clicking on it, right? It definitely did and you know, you brought to it's something that like

It's a very detailed sort of point about How people can do comedy and one one of those things that you describe really well Is that he's he you know, he had all these people who were just gushing And and throwing praise at him and his way of dealing with them At where at the show you were at was just to be like almost cruel to them Where at least to the to the reader. I mean I get like as a comic and I've I've seen comics that can you can do Mean in a way that's endearing. It's like it's everybody knows

You're joking kind of way, but it's like a fine line But it sounds like from the article that he was actually just an asshole to all his fans No, it was not it was not Rickles ask and it's uh And it's mean that it was just it was just downright now. I mean people approaching him in tears and him just Mock mock starting to snore putting an entire glass in his mouth while a woman had tears in her eyes to get a cheap laugh It was amazing to witness

Frankly, I don't know if my laughter is just is just an endorsement of how genius that is because it just sounds so awful that it's funny But what do you I mean? My thought on reading that is that most comedians when they get to be that age and status Like phyllis illa for instance when she was nearing the end of her life I really went out of her way to preserve her legacy and you know released a documentary about her herself and wrote books And was very loving towards her audience. What do you think's going on with jerry that he does the opposite? I think In a genuine way, I think he doesn't care and you know me

I don't know if he cares about anything anymore other than sitting down All you want to do is just sit down You want to sit down and yell at someone for not playing clip fast enough? Wow, which I mean that's that's also something he's been doing since the set I guess he's good more in the 70s, but well, is he's sitting down and yelling at people for a long time? Well, he is extremely bloated. Is that still happening? You know, he's actually he's coming down a little bit. Okay. I'll give him props for that. Okay. That's good You're not gonna cut his props anytime soon

I don't think Yeah, I mean, you know the funny thing is like This this is the case. I feel like for celebrities and even for like Just different forms of entertainment television shows actors where if you're Alive for a certain era you like certain talent resonates with you certain shows do and I feel like jerry louis is one of those guys that like Pretty much for our generation. He's a guy definitely

From the past and all we know about him Is is what people are like. Oh, you don't understand like he was the biggest comedy star He's the fun like we know how much the older generation loves him But I feel like for our for the last 25 years Everything we ever hear about him is what a fucking asshole he is Like nobody Nobody says anything good about him Uh, no, I mean I

In fair, you know, apparently you buy his own testimony. He earned uh, was it 2.6 billion dollars for the mda with the telephone. It's pretty impressive. Yeah Obviously, I want to know like why haven't we Nipped this in the blood throwing two billion dollars at anything. It's really curious. Well, I regard, you know So, yeah, the fact that he's you know done that I think basically makes them infallible, right? It is a nice guy you raise all that money for them sick kids Yeah, and doesn't that feel slightly calculated now in retrospect like oh, he was doing that so that people wouldn't Get let on to the fact that he is a true piece of human shit

It could be, you know, I don't know the man personally wish I did but It's it's kind of the uh, I wish you knew him too It's kind of the lance the lance armstrong tactic where everybody's like He is a horrendous human being. Yes, but he raised all this money for cancer research. It's it's like, uh Yeah, it's like the not a bait and switch but like look over here like a smoke Yeah, I don't know what they call that in the military, but yeah. Yeah, exactly. It's like a diversion a diversion Yeah, it does it does seem to be that and yeah, I'm still like Like I mean, you know, personally, I just I don't find I don't I'm looking for the redeeming quality. He's he's very pompous

He you know, some people were crying. He's brought joy to lives Yeah, just maybe by virtue of the fact that he's brought joy to so many people People's lives he can do whatever the fuck he wants. I guess maybe that's the That's the idea and then you also pointed out that he sort of absolved himself of of all the insults by just a quick like You guys understand sometimes you need to be Crasped with people. All right, good Yeah, that was essentially one of the last things he said So I feel like that you I mean he probably had to say that right I guess well, he didn't necessarily have to but you know

Well, there was a different type of there were new tears flowing in the audience after his show, so Um, how much did he charge? How much is it cost to to sit with Jerry Lewis for the two o'clock show? Oh, um, well, uh, it took it's range from 40 to 85 Wow, you got to be shitting me Wow And he wouldn't sign anything too, which is amazing No, I mean people would approach. There's a pretty uncomfortable moment where someone approached approached him with a vhs tape Not in a box, mind you just a vhs tape

And he refused to leave and uh jerry just six and geriatric Uh, sure on him two weeks in a way muttering to himself And the the vhs meant a lot to that guy for sure. He was like I've had this Not it since you know vhs is worth He was really like this was like his sake of the special. He was like this is gonna Tie it all together for me. I'm gonna have him sign the vhs. I've been watching for 35 years Yeah, the thing it's it wasn't like it was uh Like capital or like like he was going to put it on ebay or anything

Right, you know clearly it's just because he loves the man so much unreal Wow, what do you think? What's the aversion to him signing things? Why was he so opposed to that? He didn't want I I feel in my heart of hearts that he did not want to get up He refused to do sitting in a director's chair. Right. Oh, that was the best get up I'm the director's chair. I love how you um described his director's chair It was like the name sewn into the back like it's so egotistical. It's just so show business He brought it from home. He brought it from home

He's such an asshole and I also I I was thinking about it. I didn't look it up but I kind of I remember like he He had you know made a lot of news with like women aren't funny thing and then A few years after that Like he had a kind of a chance to redeem themselves. I feel like hit the regime himself I feel like he was at another big thing where they were like, hey, what did you mean by that? And and he was like, oh, I meant that they're not fucking funny. Like he doesn't give a shit I remember like yeah, he said that at a press junket at con

I think like maybe last year or something. Wow, and I remember seeing a photo of him from the junket and he was wearing slippers He's wearing slippers in public Why do we why do we care what this man wearing slippers in public has to say about anything really? I don't know but The center fell out wearing slippers who gives a fuck, you know, if it's if it's um If it means we'll get more articles like this. I like you. I hope he doesn't die. I don't want him to die Yeah, Megan. I I hope I mean, I don't know how he can't die now. He's 88 years old Yeah, he should buy all accounts to me

I'm sure pretty much everyone he's ever known or loved is dead at this point and yet he remains Well, I hope you cover Everything about his life. I I really hope you keep I mean, will you be keeping abreast of his activities? I should ask you as a question Say what will will you be keeping abreast of his activities from now on? Like will you cover him as much as possible? I mean, I would be watching the telephone every year if it was still on Yeah, well the the article we highly encourage everybody to check it out. It was really funny Megan Keaster writer comedian. Thank you for joining us and anybody can

Follow Megan on twitter at born feral b o r n f e r a l. Thank you so much, Megan Thanks, man. Thanks, Megan. You're awesome. I cut you off Uh, so thanks, Megan. Thanks, Megan Keaster Megan Keaster for that wonderful insight I I really like her. I really liked her attitude. So funny. Yeah, she was great What is what is up with that fucking guy though, man? Oh bro, I remember those stupid fucking telethons. Remember that they would it would go forever too It was like all day it would ruin tv as a kid because yeah, that's before we had cable and they're you know Channel five or whatever this asshole would take it over all fucking day long

And you had to watch him, you know prancing out these poor children these crippled kids and you're like, what are you doing? Why why? I'm sure there's an easier. Isn't there an easier way like can't you write the check I did to him? Oh, Jesus representing the high school divisions chapter for mda the highest fundraising chapter for the fourth year in a row You got that fourth year in a row From richfield high school richfield connecticut mr. Jeff albany see These are deca members come on

Jerry's is mocking him with a like a face going To his and then the audience is dying He's going oh, just making faces And then the audience is dying. It's so crazy. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know Those telethons like I said would just go and go and go they just don't stop And you're like, why are you doing can you just ask other people in show business to write checks? Why are you leaching the public? I feel like he's got if he's so fucking famous Then you got other famous friends. You just ask your buddies. Hey, give me a hundred thousand bucks. Hey, give me money

Come on. It's a tax write-off Oh, Jesus christ mr. Showbiz No, we have one minute to station break when we break the station. I had how many times I think seven seven times Seven seven times. He was married. Yes. What one a day Oh He quit on what happens if he goes for the month my god. Well, and nine children That's terrific

Well, you didn't do too badly. Who you well, what the hell do I know? I was only tonight Whatever I was a young kid I knocked them all off at once and I didn't have no trouble We will be back and when we come back There's him and Ed McMahon That's right. We will have a sensational show which you will hear about It wasn't sensational and we are breaking the station for the first time when we break the station on the love network It gives them opportunity to identify themselves and to let the local level know what's happening on the local level

Because the people on our love network do a fantastic job Raising dollars on the local level. You see I'm saying I'm fucking boring And here's the thing is that it would eat up all this airtime and here I am as a kid dying to watch a fucking cartoon And the most interesting part of the Jerry Lewis telethon By the way, were the people behind him answering the telephones. I was like, oh put the microphone on them. Yeah Yeah, because I'd much rather hear what they're talking about than watching you stammer with Ed McMahon Uh, you know, and he's it doesn't sound like he's too great on the fly. So I mean and they would bring in like

It's the uh taft high school marching band. We're gonna watch them play it and like who wants to fucking watch this You don't this is terrible. I bet you he would be very upset if he heard you Say that he's not good on the fly That's good. I bet he would have words with you. Would he I think I don't think he would even look at me because I'm a lady he doesn't even Ah I don't even think I exist in his world That's true. Hey, you're you're just sometimes I'm I'm like a colored person to him, right?

Um to these old racist Yeah, I'm sure he's racist too. He usually goes hand in hand. You think so You know what I gotta say and I I was upset when he said all that stuff about about women But listen, he's oldest shit. How what is he a thousand years old? 88. Yeah, so a guy his generation I it's kind of like yeah, I get that you don't like women most people your age don't like you you come from a shitty era It's not my problem. You suck. Yeah, you're born in the shitty part Yeah, like you just you came from an unenlightened time and I don't I expect nothing less from you like, all right

I'm gonna get up all fired up About him, you know, yeah, that's true. This is fucking problem I'm I make my living as a comedian. He can suck my tits suck both of them. Yeah, you suck on these tits you fucking fat fuck You know, I'm saying we have a submission for um, you know, I'm saying See who can if this guy could eclipse the record In the of course that you could say as many, you know, I'm saying is as you want But we're talking about for a clip that exists an existing clip. You know, I'm saying has to Hit it in the in the allotted time that it plays. Yeah, so let's see. I don't know how long this guy's gonna talk for

This is a long clip. So let's hear it. Let's see what he says tv.tv, you know, I'm saying Real quick, man, I just wanted to do this blog to update everybody with you know, I'm saying The whole summer madness three. You know, I'm saying situation. You know, I mean I'm pretty sure everybody know about the situation with math office Do you know what I mean? Count as you know, I'm saying because they're kind of different I count because of judge mathis I I counted as you count them as as the as the same right now. I don't know what you're saying

Okay, all right So I just want to talk and just let the people know how I feel about the situation, you know, I'm saying For us though, I just want all the fans to know that, you know, we don't condone that type of behavior here You know does not count though. No, it's gotta be a whole phrase. Yeah. Yeah At this point that was a real one You know, I'm saying as it stands right now math is definitely Definitely banned for the url and you know, I'm saying won't be able to participate in you know, I'm saying none of the url

Events just due to you know, I'm saying the situation that happened and the liability that it may bring To you know, I'm saying I was business, you know, whoa, whoa, it's getting up there. It's getting up there I mean, um, it's unfortunate because you know, I'm saying that's my brother at the end of the day You know, I'm saying I don't work man. You know, I'm saying I just hate He just tied it. He just tied it. Yeah, I'm saying, you know, um, You know, we gotta like, you know, I'm saying definitely. Oh my god. Oh my god Emotions when you know, I'm saying we oh my god. I'm saying this is league This is the art form and you know, I'm saying when you're a battle rapper

You're supposed to be professional like you know, I'm saying and you know, I know things can get you know, kind of, you know Real frustrating at times when you're up there, but that's part of the sport and if you can't handle, you know a punchline or you know a character of Opponent that you're battling then you really don't need to be battling on you know, I mean you are ever anywhere or anybody stays because that was in Less than two minutes really good work. It goes on for another 12 and a half minutes

You realize how long this this this is Let's just do this because this is so long. We're obviously not gonna play this whole clip Why don't I just jump to any other moment and see if we can continue to add, you know, I'm saying And that's this how I feel like a lot of y'all I think that y'all don't really know what this URL platform is for You know I'm saying when we build this platform We built this platform for mcs for up and coming mcs to basically showcase their talent to link up with you know I'm saying other mcs and wow, he's definitely dropping right out. I just felt hurt So, you know, I ain't really get a chance to speak to him

I mean we we cleared the air a little bit, but he spoke to bees and chico, you know, I'm saying But I ain't really get this chance to speak to him yet. You know, I'm saying we definitely gonna have a And get a chance to speak to somebody What's going on? He's outside the venue running around talking about him and his niggas got guns in the trunk And he could shoot this shit up and somebody could die Wow shit got really real. It was really nice. Thanks for that. Yeah, thanks for that submission Um, I guess that's I don't know if that's sm3 or hitman. I don't know who that is but um, you know I'm saying you know I'm saying that was uh, that was that's a new record

Um, you know, I'm saying and and just to be clear. I know that a lot of you have sent in j rock from trailer park boys Oh, yeah, yeah a lot. I mean hundreds of you and we're well aware of j rock. Listen We've loved the trailer park boys for years, but we're what we're looking for is real authentic. Yeah genuine You know what I'm saying? Yeah From the streets from television real shit. Yeah, not not character. You know, I'm saying Yeah, I tripped me out because you know, I'm saying pimps was getting at them holes You know, I'm saying, you know stomping down on them holes and I'm like, well, hold on man I don't understand this part of the game and it's just supposed to be about choice

You know, so my mentor, you know, I'm saying he said me back and he said hold on pepper man I'm gonna tell you something now, you know, when you cost the country pepper man, you know, I'm saying, you know You pepping at a hole, you know, I'm saying 24 sad Say I gotta tell you that's a lot. Um, you know, I'm saying right now. I don't know what you're saying Um, that might be my favorite, you know, I'm saying yeah, judge math this Yeah, so definitely keep trying to you know, you know, I'm saying send us More, you know, I'm saying and see see if we can break the record. I mean

This one right now and we're up to 21 in under two minutes. That's you know, I'm saying, you know, I'm saying that's pretty high You know, I'm saying I would be I'm gonna I want to listen to the entire 12 minutes and here's what we're gonna do I'm gonna listen to 12 minutes. That's a lot. It's a lot and maybe you can guess the number Versus the wow I like that play a game Should we record every you know what I'm saying? Not record it, but I will count it. I will count it But then I'm saying make a mashup of all that'll take you all day. That's fine. You think I gave him the grease

Oh, I hate this one I tell you man put something on his finger. Oh, jeez Sticking in his ass and you know, it's kind of like fuck yourself to loosen yourself up Yeah, because I know he had never been penetrated before you right? Yeah That one makes me sad. I think it's great. Jews are funny. Just a funny jew telling the story. No, it makes me really sad um I very much enjoyed that one. So god damn You know, I'm saying we just got to give

Yeah, so we'll very soon have Uh, what's it called the uh, the san francisco Live show up. I don't know if that's gonna go up this friday or next wednesday, you know sam But we'll get it up there and um, yeah, we got a bunch of other fun things coming up So, uh, please come to the live shows. They are such a good fucking time. I can't tell you how much fun they are Really? Seriously, it's a lot This last time felt like a family. It was like the one we did hermosa. It was a it was a really neat energy

Yes, we were all Bonded together in this jeans. It was like we were all wearing the same pair of jeans. Yeah, it was everybody had the same denim on It's a good time. It's as if everyone could put their legs together in the same pair. Mm-hmm. It was special Well, I think I have to shit. No, all right. Um, I think you definitely made uh that obvious earlier with your multiple farts Thank you sirs. Thank you so much for your time for joining us today on the call Sorry that your introduction to our show is surrounded by farts and shit We don't normally make it. It's usually a very worldly show. Yes, we discuss the problems in uh, where's it called cremea? yeah, and the

missing airplane and the missing airplane politics Malaysia airlines we talk about highbrow stuff. This is really a weird episode. We would never have done something like this In the pornography we seldom play pornography. So this is a rare rare episode. So Uh, but we thank you very much for your time for joining us and we thank you the little mommy for listening We love you follow us on twitter at tomsegura at christina p And uh, come see us live. We'll be around. We love you. Bye jeans Oh

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