Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 212-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 9, 2014

WHAT WRONG WITH YOU? said the most awesome pastor ever. I'll let him finish his sentence. Have you seen that show, Masturbate Theater? It's pretty good and we have a clip. Mr. Selfridge has a very interesting French character who encourages a nice young English lady to meet his anus. What's up with Pro Wrestling, for real? When do you stop liking it? Do you wear Superman pajamas? Good. This ep has a BIG TIME Dental Update from TINA and a poop story for the ages from one of YOU!! LADIES, trim your tootsie nails - they're not supposed to hang over the edge. We discuss in a new NAILS segment. And, you guessed it, there's more sayin of You Know What I'm Sayin - You know what we're sayin? 

All right, this is a quick and easy tag at the top. We had to do this because our episode was already recorded and we wanted to make sure that everybody knows next Wednesday, my birthday, April 16th, we're doing our podcast live at the American Comedy Company in San Diego. In the episode, we may mention that the show starts at eight, which it did originally. It has now been pushed to nine o'clock. Why is that, Tom? Well, as of now, I'm taping stand-up on Craig Ferguson that day, which means it's going to delay us getting down there. So we still wanted to do the show, the club still wanted us to do it, but now it's just a matter of everybody finding out that, yes, it's a little late for a weekday, but we're all big boys. And girls. And girls. And we're going to do the podcast live in San Diego, April 16th, but the show now starts at nine p.m. Is everybody okay with that? Yeah, I think so.

Okay, well, that's it. All right, enjoy this episode. That's right. You know what I'm saying? Honestly? You know what I'm saying, Mike? You know what I'm saying? Life is normal.

My mom lost. You know what I'm saying? I am. I am that same French excellence. You know what I'm saying, Mike? It's the mayor of Norm Sand. Yeah, he wants to be the mayor. Here we go.

You know what I'm saying? Life is Norm Sand. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying, Mike? You know what I'm saying? Life is Norm Sand. I do know what you're saying. Wow.

Unreal. Unreal. So many, you know what I'm saying. So many. And then the question always goes through your mind, will there be more? You know what I'm saying is this episode. Who knows? Who knows?

You'll just have to hold on and wait. Do you know what we're saying? Something tells me the answer is yes and the affirmative. Big shout out to Ghost Crew for that Norm Sand song. And also, I forget who sent in this instrumental. They marked it as dope instrumental. It really is. That is no misnomer.

There's so much to do this episode. I know. You've got so much to catch up on, yo. Yeah, we really do. My apologies to everybody in Virginia Beach that was coming to see me. I was excited to see you. I got sick on the way. On the plane.

Like, literally as we're taking off. We weren't even, you know, we weren't even leveled out. Our seatbelt sign was still on and I made a dash to the bathroom. The toilet. The toilet. And I started violently vomiting and then I had diarrhea and then I vomited again. I vomited and shit the entire flight to Minneapolis, which is where my connection was. Thank God it was only that far, which was a three hour flight.

When I got off there, I was sweating. You know, I was just so beat for three hours of just chaos. And then I was like, there's no way I can get on my plane. You're like, I'm definitely going to Virginia Beach. Yeah, yeah. I'm a performer. I need to do a show. No, so I'm actually, it took me so long to get to the point where I go take care of yourself.

Well, because our business doesn't give a shit. Like, they'll literally be like, well, we can put a puke bucket next to the stage for you. Yeah. And you're like, yeah, but if I don't care for myself now, I can't go out again next week. The next week, right? And the week after, like it's, you got to stop it. You got to put your finger in the dike. Yeah.

Yeah, I know. Well, I mean, like in the years past, I would, you know, I had a doctor told me not to fly one time and I go, I have to. Of course. I have shows. I can't. And he was like, okay. But anyways.

You're a grown man now. That was in your 20s. That's true. You can't do. Listen, look at poor John Panette. God rest his soul. God rest his soul. Talk about a guy that burned it at both ends with his, you know, his health, his weight,

his habits. That's what I'm saying. You got to, you got to take care of yourself. You got one life, man. Well, here's what happened though. I want to tell you what happened to our listeners. They're there. I got a hotel room in Minneapolis just to rest and I puked and shit there.

And the next morning when I was still shooting water out of my ass, I was like, I'm going home. I can't, I can't, I'm going to go there and I'm going to do bad shows. I'm going to not feel well. I'm not going to get better. So anyways, that's what happened. I flew home and probably 48 hours after I flew home, I was better. But it was, I think it was either some stomach flu or my eight-something contaminated.

I don't know. I think it was a flu because I had it before you, but I didn't vomit. Yeah. I don't know how you didn't vomit. I vomited so much because I didn't eat. I knew, I knew what it was because I have that weird phobia of vomiting. I stopped eating basically. I did.

I restricted my foods. No, I know. That's so crazy. I have emotional problems about it. Well, check it out. I'm back and I definitely will be back in Virginia Beach. I wasn't kidding when I said that is, that is absolutely one of my favorite clubs. And it's the, it's the best funny bone of that whole chain, I think.

It's my favorite one. So I'm very, very sorry, but that's what happened this week. This week, so far I'm not sick and I am going to Appleton, Wisconsin to do Skyline. It's a fun club. It's a great club. Yeah. I'm excited about it. Great crowd.

You're going to love it. So, you know, the nice thing is I just have that suitcase sitting there because it's packed from last week. It's comedian's wet dream to not have to repack. Yeah. I'm just going to wheel it all now. Wow. So Skyline Thursday, Friday, Saturday, please come see me if you're in the greater Appleton,

Green Bay, whatever, Milwaukee, Oshkosh area. Is that real? That's real. Sure. Oshkosh. Yeah. Wisconsin, maybe. Like those overall Oshkosh, Oshkosh.

Yeah. And that's the, you know, the history of that, of those overalls. No. When the first settlers in Wisconsin arrived, it was like in the dead of winter and they didn't have pants that protected them from like how cold it was. So they, they built these, they made these coveralls, overalls, and they became known as like identifier people from Oshkosh. I don't believe you.

Yeah. I made that up. I don't know anything about that shit. Did they sew beaver tails into the pockets? Yeah. All, and they all have beaver tails and there's, yeah. So anyways, that's that. And the following week, well, we have our live podcast, my birthday show in San Diego.

I'm sorry. My smurf day, April 16th, guys turn 28, come out to the American comedy company and we're doing a live podcast. And then a few days later, we're doing the podcast live in Pasadena and you can watch that one streaming on the interwebs. Yes. You can watch it for free April 19th, 730 Pacific. So, or specific.

Make sure you, you mark that down for the, you want the URL? Sure. Go to, it is now called Kogo TV. So it's COGO.TV slash your mom's house. You can also use the lobster link. It's still up. We'll give them the new one again. Why don't you give them again.

Slash your mom's house. New one is Kogo COGO.TV slash your mom's house. And you can watch it for absolutely free. You know, we'll have stuff for you to bid on if you want to bid on a shout out during the show. Or you can donate or whatever. Or just donate. You know, I think just donate if you want, if you love it, if you want to, you don't

have to. It's totally free to watch though. Otherwise. Yeah. So that'll be that Saturday, the 19th. 730 Pacific standard time. Right. And then I go to Cleveland the following week.

I'm there the 24th through the 27th. The great city of Cleveland, Ohio. And then we go to Manada, Vancouver. We're doing the podcast Wednesday, the 30th. And then Christina and I are doing standup all week. Everything's at the comedy mix on Burrard Street. Please come see us. Jeans.

Jeans. Uh, so here we go. I will not be in Cleveland this week. I know I announced it. I had a situation with my life that I can't go. Some other stuff is going on. So I'm sorry. If you guys bought tickets to Cleveland, I promise to make that up to you at a later

date. Uh, April 24th through 27th, I'm at the Addison Improv and Addison Tejas, then in Mancouver, the comedy mix with my husband April 30th through May 3rd, as he just said. And then June 6th, 9pm at the Fun House in Portland, Oregon. The link for tickets. It's up on my site. Christina. Oh shit.

They're up now. Oh yeah. I'm at ramshousepodcast.com. I put it up there in case you guys want to see. I highly, please guys, come out and support this paradigm. Definitely. Uh, this is something new I'm trying. It's a way to maximize my time home with my jeans.

If I could do one night out and, uh, I got, it's an experiment and I really want you guys to come out and support. And that's it, man. It's uh, it's rock and roll and we've got some surprises coming up this summer. We're touring with the podcast and we'll announce those dates as they come. Yeah. This would be fun. All right.

Uh, what's up? Oh, I'm sorry. You're going to read an ad right now? In a moment. What do you want to say? I want to tell the guys, uh, please, please support the show by using our banner on your mom's house podcast.com. For Amazon, it's such a help.

If you're going to do your shopping on Amazon, why not do it for your mom's house? And here's what I've been doing you guys. New trick. Did you know that you're not supposed to use your toothbrush for more than like two months? Use the toothbrush. Seriously though, I read on Oprah magazine, two months max on toothbrushes. She's my black savior on food brushes.

She's everybody. She's black Jesus. Now, uh, here's an idea for you kids. If you go to Amazon through our banner, why don't you subscribe and get your food brushes sent to your house automatically every two months. That's right. On Amazon, you can automate your what that stuff. I'm sorry.

What are you going to get sent to your house? Your food brushes. Whoa. Whoa. You can't do a pre-roll dental update. Can you? No. Okay.

That is a good idea. And we just, um, we had to modify our toilet paper today. Why is that Tom? Because you keep using six rolls to wipe your badge. We go through roughly one roll a day is what that we actually did have to increase my wife. Here's the thing. My wife has a huge asshole.

A big, gaping brown hole. No, we had to up our toilet paper intake. Can you believe that? We had to actually update the frequency. That's how disgusting you are. By the way, you clogged the toilet today and then you walked away from it as though you didn't. And then I went to go potty and it was like glue glue glue glue.

Thanks for that. Don't don't act like when you fresh, you didn't notice that you didn't notice that the brown didn't go down. The brown did go down. What are you talking about? That. Okay, but when you clogged the toilet, the brown barely goes down and then it went down. Look you hear it go.

It's fine. When you plunge the toilet, did you see my brown? No, just paper. I wish you would see my brown turds. Yuck. What you got? What's your copy? Anything else from Amazon?

No, I just think it's a great way to live your life. Do it. I'm telling you, dudes. That part's true. The automated thing. We automate our toilet paper. We automate paper towels. We automate dishwasher detergent.

Fucking palm olive toilet paper, bro fucking like, you know, fucking dude, bro, think of all that shit. You don't want to fucking buy at the grocery store. Fucking homes. You put that shit on Amazon. You fucking automate that shit straight. I'm with you, dog. You know what I'm saying?

Take this shit out, yo. Check it out. Smell me. Please, if you enjoy this show, if you want to support our show, a great way to do it is to support our sponsor. You know? Support. Ooh.

I know what that is. I know what that is, too. Somebody came to pick up something. Yeah, yeah. Kill. Kill. Kill. All right.

She's crazy. Fiefo. Hey, Fief. Hey. Oh, boy. Hold on. Oh, Christ. All right.

We're back. Our vicious attack dog was going after our landlord who's fixing our screen. Our rock wilder. Can you believe how vicious he was? He was doing it for real. Yeah, I love that. Protecting the house, man. Yeah.

That's a good dog. Yep. The rock wilder. Stupid. There's people that really think that. But I can't wait to watch Mr. Selfridge tonight. We have to do our opening. Oh, shit, man.

I forgot. Yeah. All right. Let's do that. Hope you broke. Let's do let's do it. What's wrong with you? What's wrong with y'all?

He niggas crazy. Who is Ryan? Can't bring anyone loving to this welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segoura tool. I've seen a position. Welcome to your mom's house. Hey, that did you plan that that it would go from severe black yelling to more black yelling with our opening? It's really neat how you did that.

Oh my God, that clip made me laugh so hard this weekend that it provided me with a joy that I can't it's one of the times that I woke up shaking in bed laughing was laughing at this guy. Oh, this is during a sermon sermon. The preacher. Yeah. The preacher says this. I wish I knew context in a way like what is this about, but right as he preaching about

like love thy neighbor. And then this is how he gets his point of wrong with you from what y'all the niggas are crazy. You can hear the yeah, it's interesting. I think it's I think it's more in line with like he's saying like, you know, there's a place I went to. They didn't give me the right food and then I got mad that I didn't get my order right. So he's saying like always make sure you get your order right. Oh, okay.

You get lunch. I don't always understand the kind of talk, but okay, yeah, yeah, so do you think the con but the congregation didn't even flinch at that they're like, you know, kind of crazy but the guy who posted the tweet that I saw said it was a vine. It was like when your boys smoke all that kush and they finish it without like before you get there. Like this is how you react. This is silly.

Will that make its way into the Tom or black? I don't know for sure. Crazy. I like how he says crazy. Crazy. Strong with child. I love it. I absolutely love it.

It's so great. So so good. Whoever posted that pastor, you know what I'm saying, you know what I'm saying. You did a good, good job. Good work. Really good. Jeans, there's so much to cover. You were in Manfran Disco again.

Yeah, I did this really rando gig with Sarah of Sarah and Vinnie of Alice FM up in San Francisco. It's a big morning show up there. It's a huge morning show up there and I did their comedy cocktail about a year ago and Sarah and I have been texting and being like BFFs and she has a band that she does cover songs with. It was called Dumb Jock this time, but they name it something different every time. And like she had me open for the band, which was so fun, but it was like it was a harsh

room and the sound wasn't very good, so I didn't do very long. But it was cool. It was fun. I like we should have her on our show. I think it'd be really fun for the Manfran Disco episode. Oh yeah, that'd be great. That'd be great. She's a real friend broad.

I like her a lot. I think she and I would be friends in high school. We would meet someone and you're like, oh, we should have been friends like 20 years ago. I really get you. You're like, if I still had a social life, I would definitely be. Yeah. If I still wanted friends, like I feel like you and I are so just in our own world so

much, you know, you have to make a real effort in your thirties to hang out with your friends. It's unbelievable. It's wise. It's so hard now. We're like, I don't know, man. I just want to stay home. I'm even bad about phone calls. I'm terrible.

I have a mental reminder about who I need to call back. Sometimes they go for like two or three weeks and it's still, and it's there. It's like, hey, man, two weeks ago, you're supposed to call this person back and like it'll hit me throughout the day. You know what? And then it goes to the next day. Do you know that my friends know better than to even bother calling me? They just text.

Like I have one friend like Mary Lynn Rice Cub. She's in England right now, but she's the only friend that would call me and I would actually talk because she, we got into that habit. Yeah. I don't call anybody. You got in the calling habit with Mary Lynn. Oh, but everybody else is a texture. Yeah.

Because Mary Lynn and I are on the same schedule. The problem is with our friends is that they're not all comedians. So they call you like at the time you're just about to go on stage. Like my dad loves to do that. They call you, you're about to go on stage and you're like, what's wrong with you? Yeah. What's wrong with y'all? Your niggas are crazy.

Right? Yeah. That's verbatim, the conversation I had with my friends when they call you right before you hit the stage. It's crazy. No, I just had the n word again. Again. Jesus.

Great. I managed to dance around it so well, but you can't do that. You make the clip that and then I'm not supposed to address it. How am I not supposed to quote it directly? Let's change the subject. I'm really, I'm excited to watch Mr. Selfridge. Mr. Selfridge, we got roped into that very sneakily by PBS and they're naming their shows Masterbate Theater and that's how you watch Downton.

If you're a Downton daddy here, you record Masterbate and hello, I'm Laura Linney and welcome to Masterbate Classics with Tom Segura. And I go, I, and then like that, right? Today Tom will Masterbate at home. He's usually in a hotel room, but today we see him on his couch at home in rare form. It's true. I'm at home. I'm gonna jerk off on my couch.

What else do you want, Laura? Tom, can you tell our viewers the differences, the nuances between masturbating in a hotel room versus masturbating in your own home? I try to not get it on stuff when I'm home. That's it. What do you clean up with? I just shoot it under my wife's stuff. Oh, Tom, what about pornography?

Do you worry that your wife will walk in on you? No. This is a nice, nice little segment there. Masterbate. I really feel like you could host Masterbate Classics. You haven't walked in on me masturbating. One of these days, man, I'm real, I'm real. You've come real close.

I can tell you. Really? Of course. Really? Over the years, of course. Can you tell me at one time? No. There's not a specific time that.

Damn. I just know that I've been cranking them out before and it just appeared up and I'm like, what? What are you doing? I'm just fucking doing stuff. What are you doing? You know that I totally don't care. I know.

I know. But it's so funny. I feel like there's, it's a blessing in the skies because. Up there. We have high because I know of couples that are not even cool with that. I feel badly for them. Oh, rubbing out stuffs? Yeah.

You know, just cranking them out and there's just, you know, spouses that are like, what are you doing? Yeah. They see it as a form of cheating on somebody like I should be your sole source of ejaculation. Why aren't you ejaculating inside of me? Yeah. And you're like, well, you know, I'm using myself right now. What's the problem?

Yeah. I think because dude, like we've said in the past, dudes use masturbation as more than like, I don't know, just like, isn't it an emotional thing for you? There's so many ways that dudes medicate. I mean, with jerking off, like some people do it just to get regular, you know, just to feel normal. So a lot of guys are just like frustrated and they're not, you know, like it's not even sexual at the time.

It's like, just need to calm down like that kind of thing. Yeah. You get that poison running through your veins. You get the poison running through you. I know dudes that do it like almost regularly in the morning. It's like they're pre go like guys that have regular nine to five is do it before work. So that's them. Some guys do it right before they go to sleep to fall asleep.

And I know guys, and I've had this conversation with guys who are like, Oh, do you ever jerk off like the same day you had sex and they're like, Oh yeah, like I had sex and then I jerked off like two hours later. Oh, do you ever jerk off in your car parked in front of our house? I've done that every day for the last year and only time I don't do it is if there's kids playing in the street and that's it. But sometimes that's really nice bonus though. Yeah.

Do you think a lot of guys do that? Like they have to go in the car and the driveway to jerk off. That sounds like one of the saddest stories, but I'm sure. Yeah. It's probably guys, the kids were jerking off in their own showers. You know, like they have to like double bolt the door. Yeah. They're probably still scared.

Well, it's supposed to be have kids. I imagine that's really that's a real motherfucker. I mean, we don't have kids and I don't know. I mean, I'm sure that changes the whole game plan because you remember as a kid, like you would just burst in everywhere. Like you don't care. You don't know what sexual stuff is. You're like, what are you doing?

Lock the door. But like, I'm sure my poor dad would want to crank one out. Wait a minute, but the whole family doesn't crank them out together. Dad, are you jerking off right now? He's like. He's like multiple choice. Who do you want to watch jerk off with multiple choice? I can't picture your dad.

What was it? The wonderful scenario you gave me at brunch yesterday where you're like, who would you rather have sex with my dad or your stepdad? Right. Top dog or your ex-Indian stepdad. Right. Because they're both about the same age. He's wanted to see like who's more your flavor.

Then you said it was not a reasonable proposal because the one was a father figure for so many years. Clearly. Yeah. One's like a paternal. Your dad is just like a man I met as an adult woman. Right, right. And I can write, you know, do I want to do that?

No. But if I have to choose, obviously, like top dog is not my blood. So, and I've practically seen him nude anyways. Right. I know. Like that you had sex with a version of him. God, if top dog is any indicator of the ghost of Tommy future, I'm really in for a treat. I saw the time I hear for those of you who don't know, one time top dog came out

into the kitchen at like five in the morning, we were leaving Florida and he gave me a hug and he was naked with the exception of a pay berthin pair of box they were like from the 70s pay berthin so dated and they were at one time white. I think yeah, yeah, they're clear and clear. There's some stripes on them. They're faded to you can see everything and I had the wherewithal to not look down. I was like or lean in too hard for that.

Yeah, I'm like, I'm just gonna hug you. I'm like far he was he's sturdy as shit though. Yeah, he's a fucking rock, man. That's a weight lifter. What is it a shit brick house? Yeah, it is a brick shit. Fuck, I always fuck that up. Yeah, he's he's meat.

He's all meat. No cheese. Yeah, yeah, he's he's a he's a man. Wow. Yeah, I would easily do your dad over my step. Oh my god. What about my god? What about I don't have a stepdad?

This sucks. What about your aunt Blanca? Oh my god. Oh, what? Huh? Or my no way. I didn't give you anyone you're related to or my old stepmom. But this is over and my stepdad's not related to me.

No, of course not. He was for 17 years that related. You're not blood. Well, I don't have anybody. You're family is functional. Nobody's divorced. OK, your stepmom in a heartbeat, which I would have done by the way. I told her that's so rude.

That's my stepmom. My stepmom you're talking about. I like her. She looks good. What part do you like best? The ice cold. The ice there. She gives you the ice there.

Her totally unwarm eastern block. I feel like she would be critical during sex. Yeah, she'd be like, tell me like what I'm doing wrong. And like, she'd be like, is this what you've been doing? Like that kind of thing. And yeah, it's my move. Piece of shit. Not a good fucking piece of shit.

You don't know how to use your tongue so good. Gross. All right. That's pretty funny. OK, I'm going to get you. But Mr. Selfridge is getting really good guys. Mr. Selfridge is good. Jeremy Piven, I never would picture in this role or being good in this role,

but he is and the story is great. Writing is great. It's that same British flavor that Downton Daddy's come to appreciate. If you're not familiar, it's about the famous store Selfridge's. He opens it up back in the turn of the century. And it's like basically a huge department store. Yeah, it's like 2000, 2001. And 1900.

Yeah, it's like 1909. And it's an American at that time going to England, going to London and opening his store. And it's like he's an outsider. He's like this crazy eccentric guy. And, you know, he has all these great wild ideas. But there's also so many storylines going on. It's a great cast. And it's really well done.

Yeah. And he has affairs and then his wife has a little liaison. Yeah, it's awesome. Dirty thing. It gets his dick around. It's pretty cool. But I like there's this romance blossoming now between one of the Selfridge sales girls. It's like like an underclass.

Agnes or Agna? Aggie. Aggie. And she has a drug dad. Aggie. It was a piece of shit. George. He was a little slow.

He's a little slow. And he kind of looks kind of like, huh, do we do? Do we have the same parents? Yeah, George is really dumb. Yeah. And Aggie is sweet for sweet on this French guy. Monsieur Leclerc, Leclerc, Leclerc. Speak frog.

And he's like a decorator, right? He he does the the windows, the window dressings. He's an old school pimp. It's like mannequin, like that movie mannequin. Dresses the windows. Yeah, yeah, he's like he's he's like suave. He dresses really smooth and cool. And he has that very handsome.

He's handsome. And he has the French. How do you say he's like, yeah, you use your tongue and you put inside from the rear, you know, what's his name? Has his first name, Foujant's or something? Foujant's Foujant's Foujant's I've never been with a man before. I only work in accessories, mate. Mr. Saliffridge.

Mr. Saliffridge, I'm ever so sorry I'm late for work. I ever so sorry. I didn't know that the buh-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah. Mr. Saliffridge. Baberson. And a baberson. Do you care for a spot of tea? Anyway, that's actually talked like kind of like lower class, lower class English.

Mr. Leclerc. It's Henri Leclerc. Henri? Henri, I've never been with a French man before. Well, you are so innocent, like a little flower, but you know, there is something else like a flower. Yes, Henri. I think I know what you're referring to.

The man's anus. It's like a playground. Do you remember being a little girl and you run around the playground? Yes, but I'm not sure I've seen that kind of flower before. It's beautiful. It has like a rubber texture and it's warm and you will use your tongue first to make a circle and then you will push your tongue into my anus and so many rewards wait for you there. Here, let me help you get your.

Henri, I've never done this before. Yes, yes. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Mange, mange, mange, mange, mange, mange, mange, mange, mange. And sing. Oh, that's the mommy's version of Masterpiece Theater. That scene you'll never forget when you see it. He does.

He is character would say something like that to her. I feel like full French guys want you to eat their buttholes. Mm hmm. You're made out of the Frenchman. Um, no, what's it like? They do do that to you. It's pretty intense. Oh, you're had a girl eat your butthole.

Yes. Come on, man. Well, a certain someone that I'm with for life won't. So yes, I do live through them. The memories of what if I what if I licked a finger and then touched your butthole? It's a great start. Can we do that? Yeah.

Come on, man. I'm so afraid of your butthole, especially in light of the sounds I've been hearing since you were home sick. I mean, your normal repertoire isn't nice. This was horrendous. And I didn't say anything because I didn't want to further humiliate you. Well, what do you mean? Pure water.

I could hear it. I could hear everything. Really? Everything. How come I never hear anything from you? Anything? Because I weigh significantly less and I don't do that with it. Come on, man.

But my my dumps aren't thunder dumps like yours. Mine are like healthy, whole, roughage filled shits. They don't have tons of air and excuse me, excuse me. The last thing I ate before I got violently ill was a big salad. You made me. Yeah, but that you had the stomach flu. That was that wasn't I'm just saying I ate that salad. And the next dump I took sounded like fucking Hiroshima.

Why can I ask you one question about your shits? Why does it sound like there's so much wind? I don't know what you're saying. I'm saying that it's not. It's the sound of violence. Like there's so much. Why are you farting so much shit? I'm not.

But then I hear what I hear. Literally, I hear through the door. Plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop. And then I hear everything hit the water. That's to me. That means it is being propelled towards the water. It's not like falling and mine just falls in there because I don't have violent gas.

That means that there's something pushing it out. The farts push to shut out. Everybody knows. Why are they so violent? Tom, they're not. They are. Dude, I hear it. Dude, what am I fucking hearing then?

You're imagining. Plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop. That's not what it sounds like. And you're trying to tell me you hear that and you don't want to eat that up. I don't put your mouth down there. French guys, but doesn't sound like that. What do you think? Henri's Monsieur Leclerc's butthole sounds like not that.

Yeah, his his smoke cigarettes like his mouth. That's how the French do it. They smoke out their buttholes. I don't think we have a single French listener like in France. Hell, yeah, we do. I can't imagine. Now, you can. You know, podcast is very unsophisticated and how do you say Charlie?

Charlie. How do you say? Juvenile. Oh, yeah. Yesterday, I sent a tweet out about WrestleMania. Oh, yeah. And I'm sure people love it when you make fun of one of the most beloved American pastimes. It's like NASCAR.

It is. It's kind of like that. So NASCAR is like a real, I guess, competition, but that is so funny that some people, some people tweeted me and they're like, well, because people got really upset and they were tweeting like crazy shit to me, like how upset they were. And some people were like, yeah, I get it. And some people even wrote, I wear my jeans super high and tight and I love WrestleMania, so I'm cool with both sides of it.

But it got pretty heated there for a second. It got serious. It's just funny to me that people, like guys my age are like fucking WrestleMania's tonight. Like I can't miss this. I don't, I don't personally, I had an ex-boyfriend that was super into WWE. Yeah, yeah. And like I went to a wrestling match once.

What? Yeah, I didn't say this. Yeah, I saw the Undertaker. Yeah, are you serious? Yeah, yeah. That's apparently what everybody was so up in arms about last night. Oh, the Undertaker was on? Yeah, yeah.

He's pretty cool, actually. Yeah, okay. Hate to say it, but. No, you don't have to hate to say it. Here's, here's the thing. I kind of, I get that it's, it is kind of stupid. Like, I get that it's nostalgic. Yeah, these are guys that grew up with it.

Of course. For me, I never got into it as a kid. No, I mean, I, I liked Captain Louis, I liked Hulk Hogan. I liked ready, ready, Piper, but I didn't really and glow the gorgeous ladies of wrestling. Do you remember that? No, but the problem is that it is kind of like, it's so childish and stupid. Like, okay, so here's what my ex-boyfriend explained it to me.

The, the, how old were you when you 20, 21? It was the summer I worked at Starbucks. It was a guy I did at the summer before I went to England. When I was a butt raised, uh, thank you, certified. And he explained to me, he's like, it's basically good against evil. And it's just like these storylines of good versus evil. And that's why people like it so much. Right.

It's a very simplistic way of an age old thing. Was your, when you, when your boyfriend at the time said that, were you like, he was like, yeah, make it a double espresso too while you're at it. You know what, I ate his ass. Oh, really? Really? I used to shove coffee beans up there and I ate them out. No, what I like to do is after work, I would take the leftover coffee grounds

and I would rub them up in his butthole and then eat the ground, the tampers. You did not eat his butthole. Well, what I would do is give him coffee, coffee ground enemas. These are stories now. I know this is not true. No, it is retarded on it. I really think that wrestling for grownups is like, is something's wrong. Yeah.

And I don't, I look, I just tweeted it like it was a passing thought. I don't really care. I mean, people can like whatever they want to like. It was just funny to me that like, it's not just funny to me that grown guys like it. I think some guys get, get that like, that's, you know, it's kind of funny that they like it. Yeah. Like they have to be aware that it is. Yeah, of course.

And I get it. Like I get it. I understand that it's like probably they grew up with it and they had all the shirts and the posters and all that shit. I totally understand that. What's funny me are the guys who are so like unaware of the world that when you point out kind of the silliness of it, that they're like, fuck you, man. I, I love this shit.

And they're like really serious about it. Can I tell you where I saw it was like at a stadium. I don't remember exactly which one, but it was a stadium full of dudes here at LA. I'm talking just so many people. You've no idea into this and, you know, the energy is fun. Sure. Yeah, I get it.

Are there a lot of Harvard graduates there? I doubt it. Now you're getting, you're hitting below the belt. Why do you gotta make fun of their Nobel laureates in the audience? Probably not. I mean, I'm just assuming Carl Sagan wasn't. Are there Nobel laureates on this show? Put your dick between your legs.

Yeah. Hmm. No, I know. I really, yeah. Are we throwing stones really? The show that features King Ass River? He could be a wrestling character. King Ass River should be.

He'd be a great wrestling character. The funny thing is that like the fake line, like everybody knows it's fake, but then like the guys that do it will be like, fuck's fake about this shit. Like they never break. That's troubling. They never break character if like there's anyone around. Yeah. Well, and I think the moves are obviously fake.

That's kind of what troubled me. It's so fake. I got, that's the part for me where I'm like, how could you just keep watching this if you're like over 11? Like it's just, it's not a real, like it's. Well, cause the moves aren't real. Like pile driver and you're like, hey, that guy's just stomping. And you can see him stomping on the mat to make the sound of the hit.

Cause I can't really hurt each other. Right. Which I, like, you know, so when you're talking about like, uh, I guess Brock Lesnar, who fought in the WrestleMania last night, used to fight in MMA, like used to do UFC stuff. Oh, wow. So I mean, he's real. Yeah.

Yeah. He's done real shit and then he does this and I mean, it's like a superhero character. It is. Yeah. That's what it is. Like real life superhero. Now that being said, though, these guys do have some level of athleticism.

They're super athletic. Yeah, that's unquestionable. They're definitely super athletic. Now undertaker's got to be like a million years old. So fucking old. Poor guy. And I imagine their bodies are just thrashed too. Like for doing guys can't walk the iron chic.

Yeah, that guy's the best, dude. He's so crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, his ankle, knee, everything's broken. Yeah. Smash. I guess Hulk Hogan can barely walk now. That sucks. His knees, hips.

Yeah, they're, you know, they got, they got fucked up doing their fake bullshit. Oh, and then there's that whole drama with like Vince McMahon and all that fucking storylines and stuff. What do you mean? Isn't there some story like Vince McMahon was like the evil promoter? Oh, yeah, yeah. No, they all have a role. Yeah, they all play.

Yeah, it's fun. It's all everybody has there. It's it's hard to it's hard to stay engaged in it for me personally. It was hard to date a guy that was like, he would watch that shit like every week. And I have to like one time he tried to sit on the couch with me and watch. And I was like, dude, I'm studying philosophy docs for next semester. Look at your, I can't fucking do this. Such a snob.

Unreal, didn't know you're like that. Guys, you know what that is? I'm proud to announce and thrilled and relieved that my veneers are on and the nightmare is over. And I am so happy with how they turned out. I want to give a huge shout out to the man that handcrafted my veneers. His name is Sam Lee. He's at New Wave Dentistry and are in Gardena, California.

And guys, I was so afraid to get veneers because I didn't want to come out looking like Steve Harvey with those big, stupid donkey chompers. Lead with your teeth. God. So this guy, Sam Lee, crafted the most beautiful, natural looking teeth. And this is he in no way sponsors our show. I'm just telling you, get your teeth done by him. He does implants and a lot.

And also I, oh, and my other dentist too, Carl Dispensier and Redondo highly recommend these two dudes. They saved my ass. The thing is I never wanted to do veneers because I was so afraid of how phony and shitty they would look. And guys, I don't recommend getting veneers unless you absolutely have to. It is very painful and very long. If you just have like some small cosmetic problem, try to try to not get

veneers because it was eight hours of putting them in and they filed my teeth down, I had to go back and forth. It was a fucking nightmare, but it's done. And I'm so happy. They look great. Do you like them? They look just like, like you have Theo's teeth. That's what I asked for.

Can you file them down? It's a little chicklets now. So guys, seriously, though, if you're considering veneers, do your research. It's, it's, it's a mother fuck of a procedure, but get them by Sam Lee if you do. So here we go. This is a dental update from Scott. We read the first part of his dental update when Ari Schaefer was on. Who?

Erie Schaefer. Oh, Erie. Yeah. So he, he's going to give us the results of his first dental visit in nearly a decade. Jesus Christ. What, what's your guess? What do you think? Don't go to the dentist for 10 years.

What do you think that's all right? He was, he was saying he was about to go. So he went and this is that this is the results of the first visit to the dentist in a decade. Man, I think it's, I think it's bad. That's my guess. What's your estimate crowns? We're talking root canals.

Are we talking 10 cavities? And three root canals. It's a lot. That's 10 years. Yeah. All right. He said, I prepare myself for the worst. So I wouldn't be devastated by the results.

And I'm not sure this qualifies as the worst or not, but here it is. Preparing all the damage slash decay to my teeth is going to take no less than five visits. Five. Work in all four quadrants of my mouth. One crown, 11 fillings. I was pretty close on that. It really close and $4,400.

Wow. But thank God he has dental insurance. There's no way it could have before the work. You know, I don't have dental insurance, but anyway, he's, he thanks us for having the segment. Um, although our podcast is most entertainment, he says it inspired him to get his teeth fixed. Well, that's good.

I'm glad you did, man. Yeah, man. I'm really glad you did. Again, if you're in the South Bay, go to Dr. Carl Dispinsear. He's really good for Sam Lee at New Wave Dentistry, Georgina. Those guys will save your life. $4,400, man.

Yeah. And you know, a lot of these dentists are real ripoff artists. Uh, Dispinsear is an honest guy. So is Sam. It's hard to find a guy that'll work on you that won't totally gypsy you. Yeah. God, 11 fillings, dude. Yeah.

Yeah. That's not bad for 10 years. For 10 years, I don't think that's that bad. That's a lot of years, man. One crown, fuck. I had six when I didn't go for a few years out here. Remember? Yeah.

I remember when I went to the, the guy, yeah, that was a lot. Did I ask my dentist? I was like, what's the grossest shit you've seen? He's like, you don't want to know. I'm like, oh, I have a show where we talk about this. I do. This kind of stuff makes me gag. Do you want to hear it?

I already, I know what it is because I've asked the same dentist. Did he tell you this one? What do you say? Uh, he said that he's had people come in with cavities so big. Like huge gaping holes. And then the holes are full of food. Yeah. And he's had to pull out like chunks.

Jesus Christ. Is that horrendous? Yes, it's fucking horrendous. Do you like that song? It's nice. It's really nice. Is this the new Miley Cyrus? This is Fat Hungry Bitch.

Is this the new Miley Cyrus? This is Fat Hungry Bitch. Does somebody send that in? Yeah. That's a listener submission. They're like, this is something perfectly wrong. I'm like, sounds right for me. I like these kind of...

Yeah, it's fun. Yeah, when they take the... the parody songs, I guess. They're like when they're cool and crude like this. Speaking of shits, we got a great poop story in. Did you want to read this? You read it. I think we need some good music.

Oh, really? Okay. I mean, this is an epic tale. I think you guys are gathered around kittens with story time. All right, let's see here. This is so in our lane. You guys are going to absolutely love the story. Really?

Yeah. All right, give me one moment here. I'll pull this up. Yeah, we need the right background for this. This is so funny. He won. This was submitted by Graham. It's a real story.

This is a real life story. And I just thought for some reason, you guys would really appreciate it. Let's hear the story. Okay. So it says, hi, mothers. I just wanted to write to tell you about my movement yesterday. I recently had surgery to fix my knee. I had popped my ACL.

I've had that done. MCL and had a bucket handle tear on my medical meniscus. Damn, I did it dancing at a party. In short, my knee was a mess. You know what I'm saying? Yes. After staying overnight at the hospital, I went home with a boatload of oxy cotton for the pain of which there was plenty.

Four days later, I went to my doctor to get something to combat the crippling constipation caused by the opiates. Boy, everybody know that is the danger of taking those opiates home. He gave me a prescription for a strong laxative and said I should play it by ear. Smelling me. He said, take as much as I need. Feel me? Yes.

Adjust the dose as I go. You know what I'm saying? This guy at this point hasn't shit in a few days. Well, right? Because the opiates kept him cramped. Here it goes. After not after not pooping for nine days. Oh my God.

Let me read that again. After not pooping for nine days, I was getting a little worried. So I ramped up the laxative. Days 10 and 11 saw me taking about triple amount of the laxative I was initially prescribed. Hmm. Dave 12 came and I felt it was going to be a holy day. But Dave 12.

Dave 12. I had my morning cough. The last thing I had when I was getting back was the my morning coffee, and it triggered a great deluge which would not be long forgotten. The movement started a painful Bristol one, huge hard nuggets for about 10 minutes. After I laid the Easter eggs, suddenly the stools turned. Suddenly the stools turned to explosive chocolate milk, blasting from my ass. 12 days of poop evacuated my body in a combination of jagged nuggets and brown water.

Complete mess, Bristol one and seven. Wow. I wiped up extensively. I hobbled out of the bathroom, a champion. Much love, Graham. Wow, Graham. Wow, talk about it. That is a great story.

An epic story. A really interesting story. That was a nail biter. That was appropriate music for that. That was, and congratulations on getting those 12 days of shit out of you. I'm sure you're feeling much better now. Speaking of nail biting, I, after 34 years, have stopped biting my nails. Wow, congratulations, Jeans.

I should say I've stopped because I have now not bitten my nails in about, I don't know, about a month. Wow, that's huge. You realize it's like. Yes. I used to bite the nails, the cuticles, all the skin around it. I travel with band-aids always because I will bite and then bleed. Sometimes I'll have like three band-aids on at the same time. It's pretty bad.

Yeah, they're real bleedy and painful looking for many years. This is a, I'm really, really proud of you because I have to give credit. I have to give credit to my, I go to psychoanalysis every week. I brought this up to my psychoanalysis and she basically discussed how it's a behavior and every behavior can be changed. This is behavioral. Behavioral modification. Yes.

So anyways, I've stopped and I've always been very insecure about it. I've always hated the way it looked. Like I always feel, I'd be talking to someone like this, I'd gesture, I would catch my own finger out of my eye and be like, Jesus. See like how like this little nubbins and stuff. So anyway, then I grew them out and I, they've been growing for like a month and I have these, I had these like long nails, which I've never had before in my life. And I kept grabbing you and scratching you, pinching you.

Thank you. I actually realized that I didn't know how to use fingernail clippers properly to cut nails. Really? I've never cut my nails before. Oh yeah, you just nod them off like a rat. Yeah. So anyways, I went to get a manicure just to have it professionally done. And I think I'm going to, I'm going to do that all the time.

Now walk me through this. Where did you go? Were they speaking Vietnamese the whole time? Vietnamese. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah.

And they were yelling stuff to each other and yelling in my face where I was like, are you talking to me right now? I should love that. Yeah. I was like, I thought she was saying something to me. Here's how, how, how, how. And I was like, excuse me. And she was talking to somebody else and I was like, that's cool.

So I guess that's what all those. Yeah. You got girlfriend Vietnam? Yeah. Yeah, they, they love to talk to each other. I mean, Angela Johnson has a famous bit about it for a reason because it's so universal. Like anyways, now I love so fucking rude. Oh, they look amazing and I'm so proud of you that you did that.

It's huge, dude. Fucking huge. So huge. I'm going to go to get them professionally. Like I feel like part of the, the psychological aspect of it too is that I not only don't want to bite them, but I want to take like extra good care of them. Yeah. Self love, man.

Self. Yeah. Yeah. But especially because I massacred them for three decades. Yeah, bro. So anyways, while I'm there, I'm just doing, I have my hands on the table. Lady is filing and stuff. I look over a lady's at the pedicure station.

She's getting her hands and her feet done. And she's getting extra long. Like her toenails are extra long and then they put her sandals on and she gets up and she stands next to me and she has, our toenails are like, or she got a French pedicure. No. And they're, they're hanging way over the toe. Why do I get, why do girls get long toenails? No, I don't understand.

And then when I walked on the beach, I saw an old lady with like bronze, like super long toenails too. And she had the big toenail filed to a point. So it's super long and pointy. Like, dude, you're not, really the reason you don't have long toenails is that they dig into your shoes and they don't, it's not comfortable or practical. It's really a bad idea. And if you lay down in bed with somebody, you're going to cut them.

Like you do to me. Like I do to you. Your eagles, talons, they scratch and bloody up my legs every night. Why don't you get the pedicure too? I mean, you really could benefit from that here. They're so jagged. They're like corn chips. Yeah.

Whatever. Remember when you had them as corn chips? No. So gross. Anyway. Yeah. Why do people do that, dude? It's ladies.

So grody though. A long toenail. I think the French pedicure is like the epitome of white trash. Oh my God. Fighting words. Fighting words to who? Somebody out there listening. The wrestling fans.

Yeah, dude. Wrestling fans. Undertaker. I don't know. I think it's, I don't think it's a very classy look personally. I'm really against the, I agree with you. I'm not a Frenchy fan. I don't like French man.

French pedicure specific. Pacific. I don't like it. Really. I don't like the French petty. I don't like it at all. And I especially don't like this thing that I've seen where now they do black tips.

Yeah. You've seen that? Or I'm like, now it just looks like you have dirt under, but it's not. It's an intentional black end. It's all fucked up. I know I always go for a clean short nail. I'm a little dyke that way. Just cause like, how the fuck do you type if you got long dirty nails?

Yeah. Well, I type a lot, so I like to have them short. Dude, remember, remember. Dude, what? Dude, remember that lady on my strange addiction who liked to grow out her toenails to the point where they're curling? Oh my God. Her toenails were like 18 inches long.

Yes. And she's like, I can't get a job because I can't put shoes on. Or she has like special tennis shoes that are two sizes too big to accommodate. And she was, she had major like body dysmorphia where she was like, but I keep it because they just, they're sexy. It's so pretty. Yeah. She's like, I can't get a job because I can't type nothing.

I can use my knuckles. You're like, what? You can't type or drive. Make yourself useful. You stupid, dumb fucking cuck sucking motherfucker. Yeah. Yeah, it's so gay. It's so lame.

Yeah. And don't, don't do please ladies. Don't do the long toenails. Bro, bro, bro. Even a little round. It's not attractive. No, I like to keep them short and tight. Just this cleanliness.

It's a clean thing. Yeah. But what about appearances? It's gross. Yeah. I also pick my nose a lot. Oh my God. And I like to keep as much hygiene with my nails as I can.

Oh my God. Do you know what I saw that I totally thought of you? First of all, I angered a retarded person this week in San Rafael when I was up north. I was at a crosswalk and I didn't know she was a retard. And I was at this crosswalk and I was like, I knew there was a Starbucks in the vicinity, but I didn't know where. So I'm like, excuse me, ma'am. Do you know where the Starbucks is?

And she ignored me and I was like, oh, that's weird. I just figured she didn't want to answer me. So I just let it go. You couldn't see her face at this point? Couldn't see her face. I'm just kind of behind her, but the side of her. And she walks, the light turns, she walks. And then I noticed that she's kind of running away from me.

And then she goes, don't talk to me. Leave me alone. Retarded. Yeah. And that's when I realized she was a Stevie. Retarded. Yeah. I angered a retarded person.

I'm sorry. Well, if you're listening, lady from the street. Have you ever angered a retarded before? Yes, of course. Really? Of course. It's my first time. It was very interesting.

Oh, they always get upset. I felt bad for her. I'm like, all right, buddy. Like I figured it out and that's what I said about her. They're super sensitive. All right, buddy. I'm sorry. They're emotionally sensitive.

Yeah. I didn't mean to. And a lot of them have anger problems. Fuck. Like controlling the anger. Tell me about it. Yeah. Oh, for real?

Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. Impulse control. Of course. So do I. And then this other thing happened. I totally want to talk to you about. Yeah.

So I was checking into the hotel. And there's like a jar of candy. And this like goofy, gangly, 11 year old boy, like this ginger boy comes up and he's like, excuse me? Are there any black candies? Black candies are my absolute favorite. Are there any black candies? And I was like, oh, you know what the problem with this is?

And I and then I was like, OK, that was weird. And then I see him with his mother and he's like, mom, can we go and look at the unicorn pictures? I so love it. And I could hear that like something's like way fucking talk like demanding mom's attention. And mom was really like encouraging this creative sort of banter. And I'm like, oh, you're one of those kids,

those kids that don't that aren't allowed to watch television. Right. And so you and mom just sit around being creative all the time. Like there's a certain level where you don't have to nurture every fucking creative impulse in a child. Let his essence grow. Yeah. And that's the problem.

And then little Jimmy grows up saying weird shit like, I like the black candy. And you're like, relax, kid. Nobody gives a fuck about you or your candy preference. Just take whatever's in the goddamn bowl. Understand like the problem with nurturing that dog shit is that he's going to grow up and be really fucking disappointed without the real world.

Of course. Yeah. Yeah. He's going to grow up jogging without shoes. Like these fucking lunatics. Mother. I know. And like that's when those kids, their speech doesn't fit their age.

Yeah. Yeah. Fuck is wrong with you. Yeah. He was talking like a 50 year old obese woman that goes to the renaissance fair. Like one of those open toe sandal wearing. It's so fucking smelly vaginas, patchouli wearing. I'm going to go to the rent fair.

I ate a turkey leg because it's what they ate back in the renaissance period. And you're like, all right. It's like a kid who actually reads too much. Yeah. You're like, can you stop reading so much? You never say to anybody about those kids like dial back on the reading on the creativity. Yeah. Like you need to have friends.

Have you been to this area before? You're like, what? There's some trees that are dated to this area. They don't grow anywhere else. That was reading a handbook that father gave me. Right. Because a kid doesn't have friends. The kid has his mom and his dad.

That's the problem. And that family is the family that needs somebody in their life who's like, What's wrong with you? You're crazy. That little boy's head would explode. If you saw that mother, I've never heard that word before. He was so aggressive. Dad told me to read this though.

We don't say those things in our house. We have two corrections. People corrected us. Oh, okay. On countries of origin. First of all, Tim Sharky. There's all this perception of free pussy. The stupidest thing in the world I've ever heard is free pussy.

We mistakenly attributed his country of origin as being mom Australia. And we were just absolutely inundated with messages. Saying that he is in fact a Kiwi. Oh, sure. Sure. Damn it. From New Zealand, not from Australia, and to Mr. Sharky, and to Kiwis, and Aussies everywhere.

We apologize. Our pussy is free. Is he from Christchurch? Then in our live from Man Fran Disco episode, we played a number of times this man who a lot of people are excited about. His paper is stuck in the mud. Oh, no. And I believe my guess was, I kept guessing that he was Filipino.

Yes, and we went on and on. Yeah, Filipino. And we had Asian people at the show who were guessing also. You know, remember there was the Asian girl in the front row? Right. There were experts at hand. Right, but we just got this message sent to us. Tina Thomas, my bestest mommies.

No, Tina Thomas, my bestest mommies. Oh, I like that. It says, oh, no, that guy is Cambodian for show. But seriously, who among us has never had his pee-pee stuck in butter? You know what? I think he's right because. Oh, no. Do you remember Tia Carrera and Wayne's World?

Yeah. She talked like that. She did. She not as severe, but her Cantonese, like he would make fun of her. And I think that's Cantonese. She go, I'm Cantonese. Wasn't she Cantonese? But that's Chinese.

Oh, wait. Sorry. What do we say? Cambodian. Cambodian, never mind. Oh. Oh, sorry. I got that mixed up.

Well, maybe. Wait, no, wait. I'm going to look it up right now. Yeah, man. Fuck, I'm confused. I thought Tia Carrera was. Hold on. All right.

Fuck my butthole. She is from Honolulu. But in Wayne's World, her character was. I don't know. Was maybe Cambodian. She is the daughter of Filipino parents. Oh, Filipino. Yeah.

But you might be right about what's in Wayne's World. Yeah, I hope so. What's the character in Wayne's World? She's the girlfriend. Wayne's World. That movie was fun, wasn't it? Yeah, it was great. I thought that was the best movie of all time when I saw it.

Dude, it was actually really fucking funny for the time. It wasn't that bad. She was Cassandra Wong. Yeah, never mind. It's those Cantonese. My bad. Yeah, tried to make a connection there. You know, you go for it.

Sometimes you go for it and you get it wrong. And you're just like, oh, no. Cassandra, that was her name. Yeah. So where were we? What were we just talking about? Oh, no. Corrections.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Corrections. Now, are you ready for more of your favorite segment of the show now? Do you know what I'm saying? You smell me? You know what I'm saying? They steal my family, LaCoca, all day.

You know what I'm saying? But I guess they found something better. I don't really know the depths of it. But we all good, like a motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? We did Rock the Bells. You know what I'm saying? It's a wonderful thing, man.

You know what I'm saying? LaCoca, House of Pain. You know what I'm saying? Everybody, man. Everybody down with them. Hooligans, man. What's going down? BMS crew.

I love you. What's going on? You know what I'm saying? Rico. Salute. You know what I mean? Well, that's Tech 9. He's doing an interview in Calgary.

So he dropped something there. We have to obviously get our new investigator to investigate these clips with the, you know what I'm saying, criteria now. Right. We had to set back this week due to your illness. Yeah. And we weren't able to connect with this.

This is a new clip. Tech 9 is obviously, he's throwing his name in the hat. He's saying, consider me. If you would, I can drop it a lot of times in a minute is what he's saying. I think that's what he's saying. I think he has a really solid chance at, you know what I'm saying, victory here.

We do. We agree that, yeah, he's got a real good shot. Now, to take it out of music for a second, James Broadnax is a criminal who did an interview. Yes. Yes. And he drops it. Let me, can we see how many times he says it?

Sure. In a minute or so. Let's see what he says. See, I wasn't going to go out in there first, you know what I'm saying? We did a ride around and shit. You know what I'm saying? It's passing by time and shit is smoking. You know what I'm saying?

That's smoking weed. Bruns. All right. What happened? The other side of the go to guard, where were you? Were you in Oakwood? The other side of the go to guard, where were you?

The other side of the go to guard, where were you? The other side of the go to guard, where were you? We was in East Davis. In East Davis. And on our way to downtown Dallas on the bush, you know what I'm saying? Just riding around and shit. He's getting up to the side to go to Garland.

How'd y'all come to Garland? I decided to go here to Leap, you know what I'm saying? And she wanted a big spot to go up. Because that's where all the rich white folks stayed. You know what I'm saying? So she got caught in the motherfucking slip. She didn't pop these big tags. That's what it is.

You saw him walking, were they walking towards their car? She did what happened. All right. I mean, he's, this is a jailhouse interview about how shit went down. I don't know what crime exactly, but we'll see. What's really interesting about this WKWK, no, YKWIS is that

it's also unintelligible. The content in between that, you know what I'm saying? I don't understand what the fuck he's saying. Oh, which always adds value to it. You know what I'm saying? That's true. Right. That's true.

And we're going to, we're going to go to my all time favorite. One of my favorite people ever. And he's a legendary, you know what I'm saying? Dropper, but we had never been sent anything from his before. I never even thought to look for his, you know what I'm saying? And now we're going to get them. But let's hear this guy. He started his sense with, you know, I'm saying right there.

That's huge points. There's got to be a way to bonus these guys. I mean, he's about to tell him the story right here. So he takes a deep breath and he starts with it. He goes, you know, I'm saying that like that is amazing. That reminds me so much of my favorite, you know what I'm saying? Where the sugar night was in jail. And then he's like, I'm like, you know what I'm saying?

Right. That, that also, I mean, that's it's similar. And in essence, like it replaces an entire thought. Yeah. Well, that is why that one became so popular. It's because there was nothing really being said, which is really. Yeah. When the, you know what I'm saying signifies nothing.

I feel like that's a whole other level of, you know what I'm saying? It's true. You know what I'm saying? Then I tell him that it's him. And you know what I'm saying? When you see it before the train, stop running. She had told my cousin. I'm like, shit, let's hop on the train.

You know what I'm saying? Go to downtown gold. You know what I'm saying? So, see, we got to make some of it because if we get out there and get stuck, you know what I'm saying? That's a long walk back. You know what I'm saying? So she, I had this little pill or whatever.

So she went out there, got out the train. You know what I'm saying? She was walking around the ship, sitting there coming out of the studio, chopped it up with him. You know what I'm saying? Oh, wow. That's what she read. She shot a bitch.

What is it? Hopped in a shit road up. First time you shot somebody. Did you know he is, you knew they was dead? Yeah, I made shit they were dead. Tell me, sir, you shot him more than once? Yeah. Y'all read any news paper?

I know y'all done looked at the bodies and all this shit. I just want to hear from you. The driver, well, I'm finna tell you. The nigga, the um, I guess who owned the car or whatever. You know what I'm saying? This is a news interview. Okay. Well, I didn't, I had never heard this.

I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Dropped an M bomb too? Yeah. He said motherfuckers. He said everything in this news interview. I say 45 bits a morning. All right. We're about to, um, this is my all time favorite though.

Yeah. This dude is legendary. My mother's a fan. I mean, this is like as good as it gets for you. You know what I'm saying? All right. The gold standard, if you will. Oh, yeah.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. I have to say it goes, I'm impressed. I was like, goes ain't coming in no damn eight o'clock in the morning. I was coming young. When I work, now I go from when I work, I work. So is this, this next album that you're doing, right? You said this album is something that you wanted to do. It's not really even about the fans.

This is something that you want to do. I want to do this shit. Right. You know what I mean? It's like, yo, I don't, I told you, I don't, I don't kick those types of street shit be talked about spots, cracks, getting shot, all types of shit. You know what I mean? But it's like this shit right here, man.

It's this, this R&B shit. It's like, yo, when I did shit like with Carl Thomas, you know what I mean? Even the Joda C remix. So he's going for the, you know what I mean, which we've decided stands out. Like it's, it's in the category. If you drop, you know, I means that they're also, you know what I'm saying. I feel as though it's a subcategory. I feel like it's an equal category.

These smell me's and you dig me's are subcategories of, you know what I'm saying or mean, right? Cause you know what I mean is, you know what I'm saying. Okay. Oh, so you're saying it's, it's identical. They're equal. Yeah. You dig me is not.

I'm going to disagree with you respectfully. You know what I'm saying is a little different than, you know what I mean? But I don't know what you're saying and I don't know what you mean. Those are two separate thoughts, according to Judge Mathis. Little few lines I had on Beyonce's couple of records, you know what I mean? Even I had to meet myself in our remix. That was the verse was kind of crazy on that shit. To the left, to the left shit, you know what I mean?

Irreplaceable. You know, all that shit. One, 12, all I got is you, the Neo shit, you know what I mean? You do this. He's saying, you know, I mean a lot and a lot of shit. He's saying shit a lot too, but that's on the radio and this is terrestrial radio, isn't it? No, it's serious.

Okay. Yeah. He's not, he can say it. A lot of shit. Oh, wow. Yeah. Let's see if he drops a few more. I can listen to Ghostface talk for days.

I'm not sure I understand what he's talking about. You do know what he's saying. You do know what he means. Baby, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's like, it's like people like when I write stories, you know what I mean? And my message when I write a story comes across real well, whether it's fiction or reality, you know what I mean? So I feel that I got, I feel that I could get my shit across on some growing man shit.

You know what I mean? It ain't all, this album right here is not just all about, oh yeah, it's a love album, but it's like you got certain situations too when your woman is, you know, with the next nigga around your kids and it's like, yo, you hurting. You miss it because you fucked up now, you lonely now. Right. You know what I mean? So it's got, you got other different types of, you know, situations that men go through

and shit like that. So it's like, it's time to like, what's up? Your bitch is with a new. Sorry, right? Yeah, right. I say it since it's a, I don't know. You got and with your kids and you're like, I fucked up. Now that to me sounds like classic Shakespeare plot.

That's a Shakespearean play. That's Romeo and Juliet. Ghost is the best. Ghost is the best. It's, it's a, it's highly agreed upon by many. Yeah. He's the Wu, right? Absolutely.

Yeah. But he is, he's as, he's as good as it gets. He's as good as it gets. He really is. He really is a poet. I'm giving him that credit. You just totally dropped one of these on me. You totally, you just came.

Came in out of nowhere and you became away from the door. You said, uh, uh. Well, it is a word that used the end. Pinch and definition of the word. We have decided to leave it in the story for you to decide. You did this guy. What did he say specifically to you? Sit down nigga.

T. Shawn Chambers is a freshman at Ballet High School, a boy scout, a football player, a member of the ROTC, an honor roll student. He was hanging around his teacher's classroom door in December. The teacher told him to sit down and the teacher says that P. Shawn used the N word first. And I just kind of stunned a second. Well, well, well then get away from the door, nigga.

And then he says, can you lend a, a, a pencil, right? Yeah, yeah. Look, I have no malice in my heart. I know. The Jefferson High School teacher has never. Nigga? And I was just, I repeated, why, why is this word used so frequently? So I just, I just don't understand it.

And I'm trying to understand it. I need help. Yes, I, I use nigga. I, I've used it. I admit it. I put the H on it to emphasize it's nigga. You know, nigga, nigga, this nigga, nigga, please. Nigga, you know, can you lend a nigga a pencil?

See, he sounded cogent until he did all the examples and sounds and stuff. Hold on. Oh, come on, man. I know it's nothing like yours. Let's get back to ghost. Yeah. He's really dropping the science. Get on some growing shit.

And I'm like, I'm saying this like, yo, I'm older now. I was, I was a young nigga coming in, kicking all that. I don't kick so much shit as the dickless. But it's like, you got to grow something like what Mary J. Blige did. You know what I mean? She fucked around and had all that 401 shit. But when she came with no drama, just she started becoming a woman. Right.

You know what I mean? And talking about a woman's situation and things and no snack in the third. Back then she was the wild Mary, which we all love though. But at the same time, yo, you're, I can't say, stay 25 all my life. Now, not to say that I'm not going to kick that shit. You know what I mean? That other shit on other shit. You know what I mean?

Right. But I got to say. What the fuck is he talking about? I'm not going to kick that shit on other shit. Yeah. I don't even understand what the fuck he's talking about. You want me to break it down for you? Please help me.

He's saying that young wild shit that he did when he was 25. It's not who he is now, but that street get buck wild shit, run up, do dirt, pull a gun on somebody. He's still going to do tracks like that on another album. But on this album, it's more about grown man, R.B. You know, we need a segment where you translate what rappers are saying or what people I don't understand are saying. Stop coming up.

You know, I'm, I'm, I'm getting wiser, you know what I mean? So he's an adult now. How do you want to, you speak, you're like the rapper whisperer. Um, yeah. So look, these are all great. You know what I'm saying? Submissions. I want to go back and just listen to this criminal talk about his murder that he took.

Oh boy. I don't understand it. So you need to translate. You're not going to say anything? You're not going to say anything at all? What do you want kind of response to? You can't get ready to walk out cause we're talking to him. You know what I'm saying?

Cause they were coming out of the studio locking it up and now this shit. You know what I'm saying? I feel like he would not be as receptive of our award if we awarded it to him. I don't want to talk to that guy. I don't want to invite him to the ceremony. God, I wish we could actually have an award ceremony. Have fun with that. Yeah.

So we will send these links though to our mathematician and we'll get to that. I owe that. I was, I was delayed a few days from not feeling so good, but that's our show today. So we'll be back as always in a couple of days. Guys, send in your unintelligible clips of rappers and speakers of various subonic dialects and see if my husband can decode what they're saying. Okay. Yeah.

We can do that. Send it to your mom's podcast at gmail.com. It's your mom's podcast at gmail.com. There's no house in the email address. Here's a little clip from Christina doing her, from her new album. Sorry. It's niggah. Guys, that's not true.

Come on. We love you. I love you, James. You're very special. You're a good mommy. People like you a lot. So you're the best. You're number one.

You pull your jeans up. You listen to the best podcast. You're the number one fans. You're everything great. You listen to good things. You have a good taste. There you go. I love you.

We love you. We'll see you soon. Check us out online. Bye. Bye, meow. Bye, meow. Bye, meow. Look at these sluts.

There's that jack and that dick. Come on. You want to jump off? Well, you've got to do it. Right now, for me, stroke a dick boy. Come on, boy, show me how you jerk off. You'll beat off, and then you'll shoot your necks. You're a wrong boy.

Good boy. I'm going to learn how to put it back down on your face. Yeah, let me suck that hair for you, baby. You like me to come on over you. Let me suck the hair. But you're good. Fuck it. Suck my fucking hair.

Thank you, black. And that dick. Yeah, it doesn't suck. Oh, this one's like me. Oh, fuck yeah, I'm just a little bit. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck it.

Yeah. Oh, fuck me. Oh, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Oh, come on. Shoot it at me. Shoot it at me, boy. Let it all go.

Let it all go.