Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 213-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 11, 2014

You know you're in good company when the WHITE HOUSE is listening to your show. We have pretty compelling evidence that suggests that President Obama listens to the show and keeps up with the YMH lingo. Maybe he'll be on the show soon? Hope so. If you and your boys are planning on getting together for a fun night of bro'ing down you should get a Naughty Boy and take that party to the next level! It's been a minute, but TOP DOG is back and he's got one of his "great ideas." Plus, you guessed it, he has a dump story. As if that didn't make you shart your shorts, there's MORE! OMG Maria is on this ep! She tells the uh, "story" of her latest car accident and names a new leader when it comes to foreigners who's language skills/attitudes upset her. You're not ready! 

Gene's Gene's Gene's quick announcement guys the San Diego show has been pushed back one hour later that show is April 16th at the American Comedy Company in San Diego California it was scheduled I believe for eight o'clock now it is 9 p.m. guys heads up and if you want to know why it's because your mommy Tommy is doing Craig Ferguson that night yeah it's a nice birthday tree right Gene's it's exciting yeah sure be fun I can't wait to come and watch you what are you gonna open on if you thought about it I can't get out of these genes are just so high and so tight like that good die mr. Fargasson like that then April 19th

we're at the ice house in Pasadena California doing your mom's house live there and if you're not local guess what you can see the show streaming live for free that's pretty cool yeah at formerly laughter if you do laughter.com slash your mom's house you can still go there as well that URL works but the New York L is co go dot TV slash your mom's house that's co go dot TV slash your mom's house there's all kinds of incentives we're gonna have if you guys want to donate in order to get a shout out on the show or we know we haven't decided yet we're gonna cool stuff here and then after that April 24th through

27th I met the Addison improv and Addison Tejas and then Gene's and I go to Vancouver at the Vancouver comedy mix we're gonna do the podcast live April 30th and then stand up the rest of the week so come see us there you know I'm saying yeah I have to have a something to add there can we go to Vancouver yeah if anybody works in audio in Vancouver I could use an audio person that night the 30th if you're like you know a pro you know what you're doing could you send us an email and in the subject line put Vancouver and the email is your mom's podcast at gmail.com your mom's podcast at gmail.com don't put house in

there the April 30th night yeah we'll need a sound person yeah and so it'd be cool if somebody who listens actually works in the industry so that's that guys also June 6th your mommy Christina will be doing stand up at the Fun House in Portland Oregon one night only June 6th at 9 p.m. you can buy tickets on my website Christina comedy.com or your mom's house podcast.com please come out and help me do this paradigm of stand up this is something that we're gonna kind of experiment with kind of make our lives a lot easier and make your lives better too I think when would you want to come out to a show where it's all

people who get it and I don't have to fight hecklers or you know have to deal with bullshit you know what I'm saying fantastic yeah I really like that guys come out and support me June 6th and the Fun House Jeans yourself yeah I got a couple let's see well right now I'm in Appleton Wisconsin so if you want to check me out if you're in that general area I'm here tonight and tomorrow this is my last shows and then obviously the live podcasts coming up and then Cleveland improv 424 through 27 and then me and the jeans machine go to Vancouver I also added Cincinnati in May so I'm going to go bananas the 15th

through the 17th I like that club a lot actually great club one of my favorites guys also if you want to support the show and if you're you know listen you do your shopping on Amazon anyways you don't have to do anything additional except go through your mom's house podcast.com click on our banner to do your shopping and that way we get a little kickback to the show and you don't have to you know buy anything extra and guess what we just started doing did you know that you're only supposed to use your foof brush for like two months three months max really beyond that it's disgusting pre-order

that's put them on subscription with Amazon and that way they'll just send you your foof brushes automatically and get the soft bristles hold on because I read on Oprah a magazine the illusion that you have hard bristles to make your teeth cleaner it's wrong softer bristles get into the cracks get into the things mm-hmm so get that shit on subscription on Amazon make your life easy guys it's a it's wildly important to do that and also we should point out that anytime you guys do go through the Amazon banner on our site on your mom's house podcast.com and you shop for anything whatever you were gonna get it

helps the show this is why we can do shows twice a week you know if we this is because of support from like you shopping there you going through our sponsors so we thank you very much yeah thanks everybody who's already been doing that and I I can see what you've been ordering I see your technical books and I see you ordering your your equipment your technologies and I appreciate it. Oh that was pretty. Is that creepy? I can actually see like what I don't can't see who bought stuff but I can see. I meant your voice there when you're like I appreciate it. I can see I can see what you guys bought isn't that

creepy. Crazy. I like it. I'm gonna vomit we had so much Korean barbecue. Fuck man. Yeah. Fuck me. Let's go. Ready? Yeah. Jeans up. Before I let you go run the nation we did speak to Susan who was the sales associate at the Gap and I said was there anything that you were thinking that you wanted to tell the president that you couldn't and here is what she said. I know some people commented about his jeans and obviously that is what the Gap is most known for and but you know it was. Did you suggest with a wink and a nod that he should update his jeans. No. No. No. No. That's putting words into my mouth. So she

was thinking about your jeans sir. You know this is I've been unfairly maligned about my jeans. OK. Let's clear the truth. The truth is generally I look very sharp in jeans. There was there was there was one episode like four years ago in which I was wearing some loose jeans mainly because I was out on the pitchers mountain. I didn't want to feel you know constricted and find it while I was you know pitching and buy and I think I've paid my penance for that. I got whacked pretty good. Well that time my jeans fit very well. Don't bring anyone loving to this.

So cute. It's a match. I'm so full right now. You're dentist. My sister. Well yeah the guy that made my veneers the guy's cosmetic dentist Dr. Sam Lee of Gardena who made my veneers and who did an amazing job recommended we go to this Korean barbecue place in Gardena because I told him where we went and he almost spit in my face with laughter. He's like I'm not good to me not a good there. I'm like what. Yeah I can barely understand him

normally. Really. It is a really thick Korean accent you know but he told you that you can't fucking. Yeah dude eat something like that. You better get your life. That'd be so funny if Dr. Lee said all right. You better get your life. All right. But yeah he he he he's like where do you go and I told him he's like he literally laughed and was like you got your playing kid. He knew Gua Lo didn't know any better playing round eyes and he gave us the spot and she was off the chain. Yeah. So you and I crushed a whole play a platter of probably two fucking plates man. What are you talking about Calbee and

Bulgogi. Right. That's what's up platter. Yeah. They brought out soups at the end. Fuck dude. Soups at the end. What's wrong with you. Wrong with y'all. You niggas are crazy. Dude I know soups at the end. That's like what they do at the fancy restaurants. They're like oh and now you want the cheese platter. I'm like well if I could have used that in the beginning when I was starving. Yeah I down. Yeah. That's how they fill you up. They make sure you're full. You shut. Spice shows hot to spicy. Yeah I start to sweat pretty well in there. Sweat and turn in red and you're like what's wrong. You're right. I'm like there's a lot of

meat though eating a lot of meat right now. Well do the mark of a good Korean barbecue place as if you're the only round eyes there and you and I were the only fucking round eye. Definitely. The only other round eye that made an appearance came in with his Korean wife. Right. He gets their kids and their kids who don't look fucking American at all. That's fucking down with a Korean gene. Wow. Look at you. Somebody's a big racist on this episode now. I am not a racist. I dropped the n-bomb on last episode. You certainly did. You did. Was like and say oh I like how our waitress was way kind. They were so happy to

see us but she did give me that reverse racism of like oh how did you hear about us. Like it's unheard of that a couple of round eyes would stroll in there. I don't recall her going how did you hear about us. She did. She did just like Kim Jong-il from you know what's the America fuck yeah maybe she sounded just like him. A royal police thing. Yeah she goes oh how did you hear about us. Yeah yeah and I go oh Sam Lee and I actually said this without thinking. I'm like oh Sam Lee he's right because he's right next door. Right. And I go do you know him. And she was like and then I thought about it. Yeah and I'm like oh she thinks that I would infer that because they're

both Korean and that's not what I meant. He's next door. Yeah like Sam probably comes here and enjoys a succulent Chinese meal. Yeah of course. As Korean Tom. Right I know. Do you think your dad would enjoy a succulent Korean meal. Fuck no no no no no no he is not into that at all. Why do you think that says some wild shit to them. No he why he doesn't like any ethnic ethnic food like meat like potatoes today. I like just like American. He has no fucking no enthusiasm or curiosity about any other cuisine. None. Your dad your dad exception is French. He likes cream sauce is cream based. Yeah French food he's cool with. He doesn't even like Italian. I was just going to say that. Yeah I went to the Olive Garden once with your

father and you like the first time I visited your parents. Yeah he could be barely tolerated the Olive Garden. Yeah he doesn't like I mean he doesn't like a nice high end Italian restaurant. No he doesn't like pizza. What my dad doesn't eat pizza. He doesn't eat lasagna pizza. Not even pizza. I didn't even have that drop ready. How horrible am I. I should be fired immediately. That's so bad. Who doesn't like pizza. Fucker pizza. Yeah pizza. Who doesn't like who the fuck. Dude pizza pizza in my mind is as American as hamburgers. That's what I think. Yeah he's not a pizza guy. No Italian like no pasta dishes. I don't like pasta. No I don't like it. Why he doesn't like a red sauce. No blue jeans. I like guys wear blue jeans. Either is my dad

actually hates blue jeans. Yeah my dad hates blue jeans too because they're tight. They what does he say. Squeeze your dick. Oh he's fucking hurting my dick. Oh man. Your dad is quite simply not wearing those jeans. No I really like the Obama clip we played at the beginning of the show. Thank you. Yes. Yes. I like how he says all I believe those jeans looked sharp. Yeah and no I did have on. He did wear loose jeans though. He wore loose jeans. I mean here's the thing. Clearly let's just put it out there. Okay. He's a fan of the show. Huge. Yeah. I mean he wouldn't refer to that in those terms if he wasn't listening regularly. Obviously from what I understand Michelle started listening to

our show. Right. And then she turned. She was going for like dog talk. She was like oh I want to hear this Theo. Yes. So I can tell Bo like what's up. Right. Yeah we're huge Bo fans. Bo's a huge Theo fan. The two of them hang out occasionally. A little different lifestyle in the White House though with Theo visits. Yeah. We kind of encourage Theo to pull it back a little. You know behave a little more civil. Yeah. But what can you do. What can you do. Can I just I know that you don't like to talk about neighbor stuff but I just have to say our dog for one thing can go for days without taking a piss. So weird. Dude I don't know what it is. Like we'll take him out four fucking five times a day and he just won't piss. Won't shit.

He'll shit. He'll shit like once a day. Sometimes twice a day though. But like he shit. I walked him yesterday. He should a people size dump. Yeah. It was like half his body size. I've done that with him. Hardy. But how does he not piss dude. Like I'll fucking we'll take him out like fucking fucking bro. Take him out like it fucking fucking what's called coolest. Don't you dare make fun of my so Cal. Yeah you're so bro bro fucking take him out at night. Yeah. That motherfucker won't piss till like 2 p.m. the next day. How is that possible. The dog does not have to piss. It's like fucking 12 hours dude. He's 12 pounds. It's crazy. It's absolutely crazy. Is that normal. Like were your dogs like that growing up. You know the dogs

that I'm used to just they go to the door like all the dogs that we had go to the door when they need to go and like he lets you know he's letting me know he needs to go out. We take him out when he's not letting us know though all the time just to make sure I know but that's probably why he doesn't let go because he's like I wasn't looking to go but then sometimes you know he did the other day he scratched on the door and I let him out and he sat down. I was like motherfucker. Well as you explained to me I think yesterday you know he's not a really smart person. You told me that you said he can suffocate himself and I said really and you go well he's not a really smart person. He's a dog. Well because he had him under five blankets and he was I had him under five blankets

babe he was suffocating. That's another one. That's another one. Dude he was suffocating. I took a photographer. Yeah dude he was breathing under there super heavy. I'm like oh this dog is going to die. Yeah. You're like I don't give a fuck. I'm going to roll over on him and kill him like Christopher did in the Sopranos. Oh my god I have a huge fart building and then so anyways point of the story is hold on. That was baby. That was nothing. The point of the story is that's a Korean barbecue fart. I figured out that he loves to piss on the neighbor's basketball thing. Yeah yeah. That's why I just walk him down the driveway and I let him piss neighbor's thing. He loves that spot. Other dogs must be pissing on it. That's why. Yeah I think he I think your

dogs knew to pee and shit at the same time because they all had each other to queue. Yeah. But he it's only he's an only child so he has like no queues. No because the other dogs when we had a one dog a number of times for years they also went on their own. Oh okay. Yeah the Maltese would go on his own. The Beagle but first was going on his own when he was alone. Now didn't you have two dogs that were named the same name? Yes. I think they were trying to trick us because one dog ran away when we were really young and they just got another exact same Maltese and they were like here he is just younger and smaller but he grew this the same dog. Really? No we knew but they just gave him the same name.

It's weird. It's really what makes serial killers. Well because they don't give you the benefit of knowing that those are two different animals. They were trying to get us to become serial killers. And it undermines your feelings and negates your feelings. Makes me feel like this. I love that. That's old school. Yeah it's like one of the first 10 episodes we played that. Yeah red-haired dog. Can I sing the song to our mommies that I sang to you on the way home? Yeah that was pretty neat. Yeah go ahead. It goes like this ready? I'm gonna fart fart fart in your mouth mouth mouth and make you smell it smell it smell it

until you barf barf barf. That's a really nice song. Yeah thank you. I'm gonna fart fart fart. Well what is that? That's my wife. That's my wife. What was happening there? I'm guessing she was farting? I don't know. I think she was farting yeah. Speaking of gross we got this from a listener submission. Thank you very much. Okay. It's a Craig's list posting in Ohio in Columbus Ohio. Actually it's specifically Dublin it says in in parentheses. The header reads gently used ice flashlight $23. Oh my god. And it's a photograph of it. It says up for sale is a flashlight ice only used once. Don't worry I ran it through the dishwasher.

Normally $49 comes with extra lube. Please call or text I don't answer emails. He wants you to call so he can humiliate you. Is that what it is? Come on he's selling you selling you his used what's it called? Flash flashlight that ice though ice. What's the the ice? Oh my god. Yeah. I mean he's giving you a significant discount though Tommy. Yeah. Normally $49 he's asking for $23 that's not a bad deal. Okay let's see. Let's look it up. It's the ice flashlight. I don't understand what the ice. I don't know what that is. I like that Mexican Hoover that puts an ice cube up her patron's butts when she blows them. Oh wow their video their site is a video of a girl using it on a guy. Damn they don't fuck around. The flashlight ice

masturbation device offers a cool new perspective on penetration. It's the only flashlight that is transparent heightening visual stimulation by allowing you to watch the action inside. That's the flashlight ice. Oh you get to see it. You get to see it. It's not a bad idea. I mean if you can keep it clean that's not too grody. Geez. I imagine it must be hard to clean that thing though yeah. No I think cleaning it's probably easy it's probably you run water through it and then. Can you unscrew the other? I don't think it's for sharing. Yeah I'm sure you can and then you just I don't think it's like you know hey man why don't you use this. I'm done with it right now or just pay me for it. Just so you know because you've said it it's happening right now.

I knew that it would happen but I don't think it's the intention. They're not like get one for all your roommates. I don't think it's like that. The ice is available in all four of our popular most popular orifices. The lady. Huh. Mouth. Okay. But. That's three. And cheeks as well. Wait but cheeks. Yeah one looks like butt cheeks one looks like a butt hole one looks like a vagine and one is a mouth. Those are the four designs. And is the mouth is it just the mouth or does it come attached to a human head? No it's just there's lips on the end of it. What color? Well in the ice it's all transparent. The mouth lips I mean what color are the lips. Do you have lipstick on or is it neutral? Neutral. It's a natural lady. Yeah I would

fuck with one of these. You want me to get you one for your Smurf day? Sure. Yeah. Would you take it on the road with you if I got you one? Probably not it would probably be my home device. Probably my home device. Now is it electronic so that it does the work for you? No. You got to jack your dog with that. You can put on the outside you have vibrating cock ring. Well that's nice. And there's also what is this? The rocks off naughty boy. Maybe that goes in your asshole. It's a dual g-spot stimulator. Let's see the naughty boy is a new combined prostate and perinean stimulator. Design is based on the now famous rude boy. It's the names really. Yeah they're great. It has been scaled down for ease of use. Jesus

making it perfect for the beginner. Wow hypoallergenic for your safe enjoyment. The naughty boy includes the row 80 millimeter power bullet that can be removed allowing the silicone to be thoroughly cleansed after use. That's key. Wow and they show this thing holy shit. I didn't realize see I'm a fucking amateur. This thing goes all the way up your ass. Let me google it. What's it called again? Holy shit. What's it called? The rocks off naughty boy. Okay here we go. I'm gonna look at it because I can't see. The image this whole thing is up your ass. Wow I didn't realize that. I'm a fucking beginner. I'm kind of glad that guys are finally getting sex toys. It's about time. I don't know why they haven't done this sooner for you dudes.

Seems a little it seems like a really huge industry because guys don't have much shame about this kind of stuff I imagine. Oh is it this thing? That? Yeah I don't understand it. Okay give it to me. This part here you sit on that all the way down so this entire thing is in your ass and that is touching your taint on the outside. That's inside of you. That's crazy. That's for beginners. This is the scaled down version. That looks varsity level to me. That looks like you're a pro. Now I wonder how thick that is. Do you think it's like a finger? I mean hopefully I mean I would think seven eight inches round something like that. Would you try this? Oh wait okay here it tells you what it is. Tip to bullet is nine inches.

And it's insertable up to six inches so it's six inches in you with a width ranging from point seven five inches at the tip to one point two five at the widest bump and one point five at the base. Jesus Christ man. That just seems so fucking advanced. It's just scary. It's a lot. It's intense. There's a lot out there in the woods. Easy to use design. Just sit back and rock hands free. It's what it says. That's why it's the Rockboy. These are very very reasonably priced. These items are not bad. I'm looking at one. The flesh light stamina training unit 50 bucks. It's not bad. I might be interested in this aneros progasm classic. The large yet agile progasm will take you to a new heights of pleasure.

It features a newly designed round perennium tab and also boasts a Kundalini k-tab. The k-tab adds sensations up and down your back that are complementary to the sensations from the prostate. What's neat is they have the flesh light girls and you can see you can see the real ladies. These are modeled after that's neat. That's really you can pick which trick you want to have a vagina. Yeah, that's fantastic. The world we live in. Can you believe in 1950 like the most risque thing you could see was in a magazine of like National Geographic and you saw some soggy titties and you're like oh my god now I mean I mean even from my childhood like I didn't see things like this in the 80s. Kid growing up now could really get it advanced really quickly. Oh my god. I mean

like kids have access to hardcore pornography now. Of course. Easy access. Of course. So crazy. So I have something for you. I don't know if you're interested or not. Let's see. Hello dad. Oh it's my dad. Oh shit. I jumped the gun. I jumped the gun. I'm sorry. Hey buddy. Stop dog. Hey buddy. Stop dog. Hey buddy. Stop dog. You need to wipe down. It's top dog. Yeah the guy he called me a few times today. He did. Why the urgency? Something happened. Let's find out. Let's find out what happened today. Hello dad. Hey buddy how you doing? Good. Did you just call me? Huh? Did you just call me? Yeah I did. What's going on? Well I think I had a great idea. One of my great ideas.

I think we ought to have a, you know I have playboy calendars and you know if they make a waffle house waitress calendar. Oh that is a good idea. And yeah totally cool. I mean with the waffle house out the top. Okay. Okay. Yeah. And you know with their smiles with you know and you know their waffle house. There's a waffle house hairdo. Okay. The only waffle house women here. Okay. Yeah what's that? I think well it's just they kind of board back and there's like no style whatsoever. It's kind of done in what I call an indescribable style. Okay. And you said with their waffle house smiles? Waffle house smile you know with a freaking see that four or five people are left in the mouth. Okay. And I'm serious. Yeah. I think

I think people would go for it. What do you think of the waffle house waitress smile that he's talking about? At first because we don't have waffle houses in California so I've only ever been to one like once or twice. Yeah. At first I thought he was being cheeky like I'm really into waffle. I like these ladies. Yeah. Waitress like oh that's top dog's wheel house. Right. Is the hot waffle house waitress. Right. The hot one. Now I'm starting to understand it's I think you might be taking a jab at those ladies. I think so. I think so. And there's you know next time I don't have waffle houses in California but I swear to God every time I go to one I swear I have the same waitress. Okay. No matter where you go.

Jesus. It is making this enough. Send it back. Be right with you buddy. Don't worry. Don't worry. We're coming. Okay. We'll call it. Stop that coffee. That used to be that was my spot when I was in North Carolina in college. That's where I would go when we were shitfaced drunk to we would get fucking hammered and go to waffle house. I saw so many fights at that waffle house. I saw so many police at that waffle house and I think I've mentioned it before on a show. That's where one of the waffle house chefs cooks. I had one arm. So when you ordered bacon he would have bacon draped on his stump and then he would take it from the stump and put it

on the grill. You like that? Wow. You want bacon? Are you serious? Yeah of course. What other assorted things did he keep on any other things he could? He was I mean he was savvy you know he was able to to make things happen. Could he cover it with a latex glove? That would be my only concern is sanitation. He did not. No, no, no. He just used the stump. And he also one time I saw him talk mad shit to a customer. Yeah. He was like you want to go motherfucker? You want to go right now? Like I'll fucking tell. I'll beat the shit out of you. I saw him talk mad shit to this dude and I was like that guy has one arm. He's talking so much shit. Yeah. But why why is the waffle house a beacon for such bad behavior? Cheap. Mainly that it's open so late and it's

cheap. Oh like Denny's it's the yeah I'm pretty sure that waffle house was 24 hours. I don't think they closed so that was where everybody who's like drinking till two, three, four in the morning would go. Yeah that's always the riffraff. It's great drunk food. Eggs and bacon and waffles Jesus. One time I went there I remember Chuck told me this too. I went there shit faced. I got a waffle and he goes and you cut it into four and you had four bites. You just ate a waffle in four bites. Yeah. And then we drove back to our dorms and he's like got out of the car and you just threw up everything. I believe that about you. You eat so fast. Whatever man. Jesus Christ. Today we shared an apple and peanut butter house. It was gone in a second. I hadn't even finished a slice.

Whatever. You're an animal. You know for like food when we were hammered it was waffle house. Yeah I went to one up in Tennessee. I stayed at the Ramadi Inn limited okay. And when they say limited they're not kidding okay. Oh wow. Those are the thinnest towels I've ever seen. And those towels must have been washed 500 million times. Thank you for your thank you for your text this morning. I appreciate that. Oh yeah I was ready. I took the cali kink and Maria had banked it up a little bit and so I was in the repair shop and so I went at the enterprise and I went and did the shit and took a big long shit and flushed it. It all didn't go down the first time. I had a little floater there on top. So I gave it another

double flush and then I went. So it's like it's a true double flusher. It's a true double flusher. Yeah and one small floater left at the end there. Yeah because sometimes people flush and they'll call it a double flusher but they're really just like flushing paper or something you know. Oh yeah this was this was this was true. It wasn't a big but it was true. Yeah there was some there definitely. Yeah I'm proud of myself that I wanted to immediately text you when I found it out. That's awesome thank you. Yeah yeah. Pretty cool huh. What did the text say again? Could you read it to me? Yeah oh here we go the text from this morning. This is the first thing I saw as soon as I opened my little bird eyes. Had a floater left over and had to flush again.

He sent that at I'm sorry. No at 517 a.m. our time the text was just did a true double flusher. Then I wrote proud of you when I woke up and had a floater had to flush again. Now that's 817 that's his time right. 815 he said 815 on the back so it's exactly when he's shit. Wow he's really serious about that. Yeah yeah pretty cool man. So proud of him. It's pretty neat I'm very very proud of him. You know lately he's really opened up to you about who he is like I feel like these conversations between you and your father kind of just started. I mean has he always called you with his visions of Waffle House waitress calendars and stuff? No not always you know. He sometimes keeps that stuff. I don't know who he shares it with but

I'm for the first time getting a lot of these great ideas. I mean that's actually a pretty funny idea. It is pretty funny. Now you may have noticed there in the end he said I had to take the Cadillac in because Maria banged it up. Maria of course is my sister who's not the best at driving and when he said that little bell went off in my head and I thought maybe I should give Maria a call. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Seriously. Seriously. Seriously. Seriously. Oh my god. Take your touching scissors. Oh my god. Use your pudgy fucking monkey hands. Seriously. Cut the box open. Cut a hole in it. And pour in the goddamn bottle. Oh my god. Seriously. If people only knew how real the song was. So accurate. So accurate. Yeah. Yeah it's definitely

them. Now Maria. She's so ridiculous. She just moved to Detroit. I like this one. Yeah. So we're catching up. But my main thing was that I wanted to talk about this car accident. Yeah. It's so that's a jam. So yeah I I got to talk to Maria about a bunch of different things. It's ridiculous. Yo. Hey what's going on? What's going on in the D? Just procrastinating organizing my closet.

Yeah. How's the new place? It's awesome. It's huge. We have no furniture so it's just a lot of space for a Western and clouds to run around. Awesome though. It's so much fun. It's really great. I actually love this house. Love it. Nice. How are you? I'm doing well. I'm doing well. Yeah. We're good. Yeah. I was just talking to dad earlier. What happened with his car? He said you did you crash his car? No. Actually a woman backed into me. This is actually not my fault if you can believe it. A woman backed into me at Freshmarket. But anytime you're backing up according to insurance companies you're somewhat liable. So I am responsible for 20 percent. She's responsible for 80 percent. Have you ever heard those percentages before? I like when you go uh-huh.

All right. I mean have you ever heard them being like you're 20 percent responsible? You're 80 percent. No. You know why? Because I've never had that particular accident yet. Have you heard of somebody saying they were 20 percent responsible? Percentages? No. That percentage? I mean 50-50 I would think is like you're each responsible. But I've never heard them be like you're three quarters. You're about 80 percent responsible for this accident. So her side is she was they were both. It sounds like they were both backing up. But they were like 80 percent was you to the lady. It sounds to me that both of you are backing up and both of you backed into each other. You're both responsible. That's what you think. Right. But that's not what happened. That's all the

insurance company says. Okay. You gave you those percentages? Yeah. So wait you were both backing up. So your brother car and I saw her lights on. I was waiting to see if she was going to back up. And there's another and there's a so you know in Freshmarket you're parallel. It's one way parking. One way driving and you're parallel. So she was on the left over on the right. And then I take a truck to her left. So I get it. I'm in. I see I'm like if you move you're not she's not moving. So I start slowly backing up. So I back it up. She threw in she threw in slowly backing up. This is to kind of leverage it more towards towards her. So here's here's the brilliant part of listening to this call with you is that you've

heard her tell her story several times your entire life. You've heard Maria's version of things. So you you're hearing things that I don't under like I don't hear the same things you hear. Right. Of course. Yeah. I've been a detective for fucking three decades. Of course. Yeah. So what's your I know when these guys are stealing and not what's your Spidey your brother Spidey sense telling you is really going on. Her and a lady backed up into each other and like she's equally at fault if not more at fault. Yeah. But she doesn't want to be blamed. So she's just has kind of this. I was slowly backing these little details that make it so that I'm not at fault. Right. Slowly. Yeah. It's brilliant. This is how Marie

its way we should be ready to go into drive and she's backed into I was ready to go into drive which means I was already fully backed up into the side of the car and then the lady backed up into the side of her meaning that the lady hit her car in which case I don't know how it's not a hundred percent that lady's fault. Do you follow now. I know I'm lost now. So I'm just an older woman. She's going to take off. She's like seventy five or something. So if you can't see my you hit my car like oh well it's fine. I'm like not fine. It's like a little book at fault like no we're not both at fault. I was backing up and I stopped to go to drive and you send back to the side of my vehicle and like

he's common physics like you hit the side of my car not the end the side like I was already out but they said that like the cop said that that like just both of you are liable and nobody's fault. Well no the cop you know the cop put down her car hit my car. He's not issuing a citation. So you guys were both backing up because I started backing up first and she said well we were backing up at the same time. I'm like we weren't backing up at the same time like that's just physics right there. You can't back up at the same time and hit my car sideways. It's physically impossible and that you're backing up like a hundred miles an hour. In which case you're speeding you can't do that. So there's the option.

The guide the guide to her left said well look like we both you know that I started backing up just before she did but it was very close but it's hard to tell because he was also to the left so of her in the vehicle blocking but it looked like you know he started almost at the same time. So the cop said well I'm not going to issue a citation. It's too hard to tell. It is based on the fit you know obviously the damages it looks like she hit you but I'm not going to issue a ticket. It's fine and so I called the insurance company and they're like yes she's on school for 80 percent. So I have this paper and then I'll get some of the active part of the deductible which is into that. Oh okay that's good. Yeah I have to pay

deductible and then we reimburse me for part of it so I'll probably know how to it'll probably cost me like $300. She would so get out of a murder charge. Yeah. Yeah she would just talk or actually some of the veteran detectives they would they would sit like I do there and be like okay all right. Do you want to tell us what really happened? Yeah. Or just if we had to have her retell the story a few times I'm sure there's different different details levels. Yeah it's fascinating. She's 75 80 90. Is the damage bad? No it's not I mean I don't think that bad but you know I don't forget that. So I mean she dented it on the side panel on the driver side on the side rear panel.

So you have to replace the whole panel because that's the problem. You can't just yeah I was trying to use my fingers and see if I can hammer it out but you can't. Good. She just she fully dented it over the tire. Now you have to put the panel. Okay in your mind I want you to do this what if you were to just add up in your head how many car accidents you think you've been in like where some like some damage was done to a vehicle. Oh doesn't I mean I would say my I'm usually hit inanimate objects like dumpsters and poles and curb you know gates parts cars. I remember the I felt really bad for you when we were in Milwaukee and you went to get gas and you hit this the island like the island. Yeah I know. You remember

you know what I'm talking about like the thing that the actual the gas pump sits in yeah that's like an island right. Right. You can drive around like she's went to get gas and she came home and the car was all fucked up. We're like what did you get an accident with. She was like just the gas station. She just ran over the island. Yeah yeah yeah that one up. I actually hit I hit things all the time I do I hit I back up into things. You backed up into the light post in Milwaukee in the yard. There's a light post in our yard in the yard. Yeah. And then I remember I backed up in her driveway and I hit the car that was parked across the street. The car. Yeah that was that was fun. And then in Florida when she backed up and hit the car across the street

she was driving to the house two houses down. So she backed out of our driveway hit a car that was parked legally on the street. Oh my god. And then drove two houses down. What does this do to your car insurance rate. I think it was pretty fucked up for her. There was a period of time where she was not insured driver and she just didn't drive for a couple of years. Yeah. Like a couple of years she didn't drive. You let you hit the pole like the fence leaving the the yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was good. But you've been pretty good in Chicago haven't you. This is it's like talking to an old convict about all the different crimes and having like didn't you do that two year bid on 81. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's not wanting

to react. You do five years for a gun gun charge in 96. Yeah. Remember that. Pretty good. I mean there's a couple of cracks straight and I've hit a few poles at this point. There's so many scratches. I just mean the big one I told Jeff about there's two big ones I hit and then the little ones I don't. There's so many scratches at this point. He doesn't know but to me I say I'm like someone scratched the car. Someone scratched the car. You asshole. It happened all the time though. I mean we parked it when you were in Chicago. We parked in the street. So people do back into you and hit you. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. Someone did back. You know we came out we were at Whole Foods and we walked to the car and someone backed up and you know did

a hit and run. Yeah. Hit the whole back of the tail light and I was like are you sure it wasn't you. I'm like I think I would know if I smashed the back of the car and the tail light. Like there's scratches everywhere and a couple minor little dent from like when I tried to parallel park between like the dumpster or like two tighter vehicles. Those are always like in the center. Those little dents are for me and how they're you know at this point I just don't bother me because it makes it easier to park. I mean those are really dense. Yeah. And I think I hit. I think because you know in Chicago also it's very narrow and you go down parking for us like we're left in the attrition. It's very narrow and it's one way.

They did take turns going in and out and I totally just went around the whole side of the wall. Jesus. Do you like that description? I do because I've done that too. Everybody's done that. Sure. I did it to my first car Chevy Nova when I was 16. Tell me how you did. What happened? I was pulling out of my high school parking lot next to a concrete wall and the car just went up against it man. That's the sound it makes. There's nothing you can do. You just got to keep going forward when that happens man. In Chicago also it's very narrow and you go down parking for us like we're left in the attrition. What? It's very narrow and it's one way. They did take turns going in and out and I totally just went around the whole side of the wall. Jesus.

It's that smart it back into the pole. I couldn't see it. I couldn't see it. That's good. But no accident. I have not hit another vehicle. Good job. It's generally like little things like curbs and stuff. Little scratches. Nothing major. Like nothing major. I hear you. I'm curious. Have you been to your new Starbucks yet? This is kind of like breaking news right? I feel like we need a Starbucks theme for... Oh no man. God. I have. I have actually. They're so fun in here Tommy. People here are so nice. It's unbelievable. They're very very nice. Really? Honestly I've had a very pleasant

experience. Jeff has had a little couple of frustrating experiences and he lost his shit. What happened? Well he gets his drink to go and he has, you know, gets in this little... He gets like four ice quads. He's like basically 14 chocolate espresso and takes it to work. And it's in the loading carrier and he puts it in the car. But they don't... They didn't put it in the drink carrier properly. And so he literally pulled out of the parking lot and spilled all over his new car. Oh fuck. Period. Yeah. And now the freaking car thinks that there's someone sitting in the passenger seat without a seatball on. So it sucks. He was a little irate and they gave a bunch of free passes. But they've been great.

I've had zero issues. It's unbelievable. Very competent people work in the Starbucks. So there's no DCs or LCs? No. And they're all white too. They're all white and educated. I will tell... Oh my god. What is going on? What is happening? They're all white and educated. That's better. You know what Jeff and I had discovered, and this is really sad, is that there's a large number of Africans that speak worse than I do. I mean, we can't understand them. And we were to see the Easter Bunny at the mall and take a picture and the girl was like,

You know what I'm saying? I'm like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Is that English? It's a cap. It's a dollar. I said, I don't, I don't understand that. Can you spell it? S-A-Y to K. I'm like, S-A-Y to K. What is the K? I'm like, I don't understand. Can you spell it? And so the D-E-T-R-O-I-T. I'm like, oh, Detroit. Say Detroit. I said, I said, Detroit. I'm Jeff and I were like, I don't understand you. I'm sorry, but I can't understand what you're saying, but I don't understand your language. And it happened to me all the time, like, at Target, I bet that's in beyond at Whole Foods. Like, I don't know what they're saying. It's like, they speak it up. And I'm like, wait a minute. Right now, I don't know

what you're saying. Isn't Maria saying she can't understand somebody? What's somebody saying? Yes. I mean, isn't that calling the speech kettle black here? I mean, no one understands what the fuck she's saying. No one understands what the fuck she's saying. Absolutely. You know what I'm saying? They don't. No, they do not. There's more. I don't know. Like, accent is super foreign. Like, I have no problem understanding foreigners, like Asians, Russians that speak English or port English, I'm fine. Yeah. And this is on the tummy. I don't know what they're saying. I mean, it's like worse than Dominicans. It is so bad. What? Worse than Dominicans? Yeah, it's so bad. It's worse than Dominicans.

Dominicans, I thought were the very worst for you. No. And you know, it's almost like they don't have teeth or tongue. I don't know. I mean, it's just, it sounds and they all jumble and mumble together. It's very frustrating because I don't know what they're saying. Like, I really feel often that I live in a foreign country. Wow. Wow. What's wrong with you? What's wrong with y'all? You niggas are crazy. You know, she's right. We don't have teeth. You can't talk. That day that my veneers are going to put on, I didn't have teeth. I literally, I walked around for about two or three hours without front teeth. Yeah, you can't talk. I tried. I came home. I let the dog out and I was

like three year old, like you can't say. Yeah. It's really sad. Is she talking about, is she talking about like actual Africans? I think that's what she's saying now. I didn't even put it together during the conversation. You know, that's what I'm hearing. Right. I kind of wanted to glaze over that. I didn't want to, you know, yeah, but she is put her on blast. Is she talking about Africans? Oh, okay. I thought, I thought she was just being extra racist. I didn't realize. That's, I mean, isn't that what you're hearing? Like she's talking about people from Africa. Okay. All right. But that's what I just heard right now. Okay. Yeah. Did you not hear that? I heard it, but I thought she was like, I said, I thought she was just being racist,

like extra racist instead of saying like, Oh, black people. She was like the Africans. That's what I thought. She's like foreign. Like it's got you. So many foreigners. That's what I'm like. The Guyanese. Yeah. Yeah. I'm shake. Gotcha. Gotcha. Well, that sucks. Yeah. That's that's their accents are super cute though. Africans. Yeah. I don't disagree. I don't think I don't disagree at all. And but like Detroit is like pretty nice right now. Right? Yeah. I mean, I'm not in like downtown the hood, but really beautiful. I mean, it's gorgeous. There's woods and parks and, you know, we get them in the morning. There's literally a fucking deer and, you know, rabbits and squirrels. And I mean, it's really pretty. The beautiful homes. I mean,

gorgeous. Okay. Detroit. Yeah. She's in a suburb of Detroit. Wow. Yeah. Absolutely. It's stunning where we live. And the neighborhoods, I mean, there's so many little, you know, subdivisions around here. They're, they're on Detroit. They're spectacular. How's that? I driven through, I've driven through like Martin Luther King Drive and some shady, shady areas that I would never drive again. It's like Avenue D. Yeah. It's Super Ghetto. I mean, you know, you're going to get shot. Super Ghetto. Is that where the Africans are? That's not the Africans though. I can barely fucking contain myself when she talks. I just, the best thing about Maria is that you can just let her go.

There's very, you just do a little bit of leading or just really ask questions. And then it's all, it's all up to her from there. Yeah. She has a lot to give. A lot on her chest to get off, you know. That was fantastic. That's it. There's no more. Yeah, that's it. Wow, Maria. Yeah. Well, I'm really excited for her that she's moved to a new place. Maybe there's a little, do you want to hear that? Yeah, I'd like to hear what her neighborhood's like. Totally gangster style. Gangster style. Yeah, I wouldn't go there either. How's, how's little man doing? I was just like, oh, he's so awesome. Yeah. Wow. I'm excited to hear her brand new Starbucks tales. It sounds like it's,

for the most part, going off to a good start with Jeff's minor hiccup. Yeah. You know, and let's be honest, you got to check your, your coffee containers yourself, guys. You can't expect other people to do that for you. So, I mean, you know, double check them. They do a lot of, you know, I do a lot of fucking famous funeral. So just do that for them. Right. Right. That sucks that his car thinks that there's somebody sitting here without a seatbelt. That really sucks. Fucking brutal. Just because, remember when, did somebody's coffee spill one time in somebody's car in our family? Nope. Yes. I do remember that. And somebody denied that they spilled coffee in my Volkswagen at the time.

Yeah. Tell the story. What happened? We were living in the ghetto. We were super poor at the time. We were super poor. I spilled coffee on the passenger seat and then I cleaned it up and I drove your car like all that day. So you didn't even have your car. And then like the next day you got in, I was driving, you got in the car and you're like, does this smell like coffee in here? And I was like, no. And then it was all like, there was no stain. It was just the odor. And then like every time we got out in the car for like a week, you're like, it smells like fucking coffee in here, man. I was like, really? And you're like, you don't smell it? And then I was like, yeah, I spilled coffee on the seat here.

But I cleaned it up well. You did. There was no stain. Yeah. I peed in a cup once in your old Malibu, the driver's seat. I think I spilled a little bit of pee on your seat. Of course you did. You can't perfectly pee into a cup. And the dumb part is, yeah, I was the side of the road and I tried to piss on the side of the road into a cup, which is impossible for a woman, virtually impossible. I couldn't do it. Perfect, babe. Yeah. Or was I driving? I think I may have been driving. I was out in the desert in the middle of nowhere and I was scared to put it that way. Yeah. That's exciting. And I'm glad we caught up with Maria. I'm glad that she likes it there in Detois. Maria and Top Dog haven't been on in a long while. Yeah. I mean, Top Dog was on the

live from Brooklyn call. Yeah. But Maria hasn't been on in a long time and she gave us some new, you know, racially insensitive material to work with, which is nice. Always good. Always good. Yeah. So that's pretty exciting, man. You know, I've been obsessed with Chuck Woolery's Twitter feed. Oh boy. What has he been? I have not been following Chuck at all. He's always good for, I don't know, something crazy. Didn't greasy. What did he, what's he saying? He's been posting Ronald Reagan quotes. Here's my. Oh yeah. The right, really, that didn't realize how, like, they really hold him in such high regard. Yeah. He's like the patron saint of the Republican Party. And, you know, from what I can remember of the 80s as a child, everybody was pretty happy

with Ronnie. Even my dad. Everybody was, I think being a Republican back then in the 80s wasn't what it means today. They weren't this crazy fundamentalist thing. But anyway, this is the quote from Reagan that Chuck Woolery just posted, when you can't make them see the light, make them feel the heat. I'm not sure who the they is that Chuck wants us to liken this quote to. Here's the other one for Ronald Reagan. He tweets, another one, government's first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives. Well, that is true, isn't it Chuck? Yeah. He, um, he's so crazy. His feed, though, gets even better. He gets really fired up, which I really like. Al Sharpton's secret work as FBI informant. Okay. He goes, I love my hashtag cell phone. I hate to

text. It seems that technology, though convenient, is just an excuse to develop bad behavior and bad habits. Well, I'm going to retweet that. Good job, Chuckie. Yeah, he's out of his fucking mind for sure. I know. And he won't, he won't respond to me. I want him to come on our show. I just want to talk to him about love connection. Okay. What would you ask Chuck Woolery? You know, my mother had such a thing for Chuck Woolery. I'm sure a lot of ways that he must have been crushing puss so much. I can't believe that, um, you know, he wasn't single in the, I think he was married in those days. That was prime puss crush and time for him. Here he posts a Bible verse. This is two days ago. Matthew 16, 13 through 20. Jesus said, quote, and who do you think I am?

Peter said the Messiah, the son of he living God. I think he meant to say the living God. Wow. He is out of his mother fucking mind. God, he is out of his fucking mind. Yeah. Isn't that funny? You just don't know what's up with people until you read their Twitter feed. Yeah, you would never know. And actually that's the danger of being a public figure and letting out all your personal stuff like this. Yeah. I mean, sure, there's many people that are like, oh, I love Chuck Woolery, Woolery so much more. Yeah. But you're gonna, I mean, when you, when you air that, like that level of, you know, opinion on something, when you're hard core one way or the other, I just feel like like what, it doesn't benefit him for what he does. He needs to be

talking about greasy things. Well, yeah. That and if you're a host and you're just known for being the identity of like a television show. But the host is always supposed to be like separate. That's what I'm saying. Like you shouldn't have a, like if Ryan's secrets were to be like putting out Bible verses, like the fuck are you doing tweeting about the Republicanism? Yeah. Like, what? Just talking about like an American Idol, you dummy. Yeah. Anyways, everybody, they can all suck it. Ryan Seacrest and Chuck Woolery. Let's make waffles again. Okay. That was a killer waffle you did yesterday, BTW. Got an early birthday present waffle maker. Love waffles. Tell them what you did. I made a bacon infused waffle. It was easy. It wasn't anything greasy.

Gooder than a bitch. Made a piece of bacon, broke it in half, laid it on the waffle maker, put the waffle batter on, sealed that shit's up, filled it up. Sealed it shut. Yep. And then there's a piece of bacon in it. It's pretty good, huh? Make one for me right now. Okay. I love you guys. Thank you for listening. Keep your jeans up tight. That's what we do. Absolutely excited, you know. That's what we do. That's what we do. Blond, blond bad guys away.

Yeah, that's actually good for you. Get out of body experience, okay? What you would walk up to if you realized that the screen housing group was just military term for it. And, okay, that's just it. Go on. Okay. Absolutely excited, you know. Blond, blond bad guys away. You're just an out of body experience, okay?