Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 214-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 16, 2014

Get out of that Country A** nonsense, pull up your denim and get ready for the get down. We got a hot new anthem for REAL MOMMIES ONLY. Plus, Tommy ran into Joey "Try Eating This and Living" Diaz on a flight and, yeah, meltdown came soon after. Real husbands say, "Show me how those big T**s fart" to their wives and maybe now, you will too? Pastor Manning is completely insane and we have the audio to prove it. REAL TALK is back and we are ready to ROAST the Duggars wildly selfish lifestyle. This episode is offensive. 

Jeans jeans. Are you ready? I'm ready. All right You sure you're ready, right? I love it. I don't know my jeans feel kind of loose Christina Pete Thompson girl It's just a good show Come on It's it's crazy. That's really great. My jeans are so tight. I can barely breathe right now Man, so that's that song did it all for you, right? Yeah, they started low and loose and now they're so high in Oh my god, they're up under my armpits right now. Yeah, that is that's just unbelievable. I'm wearing them over my sloppers

That was uh, joe double that was amazing He was a thank you, joe double the first I believe the first song we ever got Our white rapper. Yep. Yeah, put that in there. He goes, uh, is there anything worse than a white rapper? Yeah, yeah That was on his first jam. Uh, that was Unbelievably fantastic. Thank you joe double um People keep asking us about the um Songs and we are working on um getting those songs available to everybody in one place. Yeah

I'm sorry about the delay, but we've been real busy. I work hard So Again, that was phenomenal. Thank you, joe double Uh, check it out. Today is my smurf day. Happy smurf day jeans and um We're actually gonna do a show in san diego tonight We're doing the podcast live at the american comedy company. So If you are hearing this on wednesday The 16th you can come to a live podcast in san diego

um, and it's my smurf day so All that shit come down to san diego american comedy company tonight at nine o'clock That's the big thing nine p.m. Is the start time You know, we're not children. We go out whenever we want. So yeah, I don't care if it's a school night Yeah, fucking stay out and drink. Who cares who cares? What's your job all the daiquiris. I want daiquiris. Is that what you Is that your good time drink? Of course your go-to

Um, and then this saturday the 19th. We will be At the ice house in pasadena doing the podcast Um, we're really excited to do that. We love doing The podcast there. I think uh the the lafster people will be there again. Yeah. Yeah, you can watch it streaming live for free That's free 99 on co go dot tv Slash y mh or your mom's house. I believe it goes either way or you can do the old one lafster.com slash y mh And you'll find it and you can watch for free. There's also a bunch of cool

Um prizes Things you can bid on that's how um, you know, we're able to do it for free is that lafster has to You know present options for people and that's why they come out So consider doing that if you would at the live show look at the um, The things you can bid on um Next week I go to america's favorite french city Clive long i'm there the 24th

through the 27th And then right after that We go to mancouver british columbia canada. No, wait a minute. That's not what it's really called I don't want to confuse the listener. What's it called? Vancouver Sometimes I mispronounce things Vancouver we're at the comedy mix. Now. Here's the thing. We're doing stand-up the jeans and I are together Here's the thing buddy is that we're doing stand-up thursday friday saturday. Yes, but

Wednesday april 30th, we're doing the podcast in vancouver We're doing all of it at the comedy mix on barard street Um, there's only one chance to see the podcast so we hope you'll consider coming out And seeing the podcast At the comedy mix wednesday night april 30th We're doing stand-up the rest of the week jeans and then you guys we just just just added may 8th In denver colorado. Holy shit. Oh that's last minute you guys We've already sold a bunch of tickets to that which is kind of bananas

So I would advise getting on it now because it looks like we have a ton of mommies in denver We didn't even announce it on the show. No, it didn't be a twitter and it's already like blowing up at the It's called the dark star lounge in denver and the links are up on your mom's house podcast.com So please get your tickets in advance. It's a lot better that way for you And then may 9th We're doing your mom's house live at the highlight in seattle washington a 9 p.m. Show You can also buy your tickets at your mom's house podcast.com And then I will be in

Portland, oregon at the fun house one night only doing stand-up comedy June 6 9 p.m. Show Please come out and support me because I really like this paradigm of doing just one night to stand up just for my fans For our fans rather tom and I I think we may start doing this more because Listen, it's so much better to perform in front of you guys and to have you guys come together for a collective awesome experience And not have to watch me yell at retarded sorority girls or tom freak out on hecklers Idiots, you don't belong there. Well, you know what? I mean like I fucking freak out too because it's like dude Don't fucking come don't come to my show if you're not interested in me

um Also addison texas next week april 24 through 27th at the addison improv Come holler at me I think that's it. Let me make sure I have this link right for the streaming. I don't think I got that right Kogo.tv slash your mom's house. That's c o g o dot tv slash your mom's house to watch the show Free streaming and there's a bunch of crap you can get yeah, and we should point out that that um The seattle venue highlight is where we did stand-up last year. Yeah, but this time we're doing the podcast the mom cat That's gonna be I think seattle's gonna be bananas. We have so many genes up there. I love it. Yeah, seattle's awesome

Guys also we are launching a brand new website experience for your mom's house podcast So check it out. It should be up in the next and It will slowly be adding Clips everybody For links and can you send us this we decided it'd be easier to just centralize everything So it'll start off with some clips so you can see Watch where these audio clips come from and we will be building it adding it. So it's very exciting. It's it's all no It looks amazing. Uh, it's right now in the process of being transferred over. So hopefully by this time this drops

I got kind of nice morning voice right now, don't I? Yeah, you're very and your eyes are very puffy like mine. It's very sexy Guys also if you want to help the show out do us a flavor and some people were tweeting that they don't understand How this works. This is how this works if you shop at amazon for anything at all All you have to do is go to our home page Uh, w w w dot Http colon Two backslashes

w w w dot Your mom's house podcast dot com If you don't enter all those characters, you'll just end up. How will they know on some Chinese children's porn site? So then go what you do is you go to our home our our home page there and then you'll see there's an amazon little banner It's like a little square Banners a fancy word for a square click on that that takes you directly to amazon And then you just shop and then you shop as you normally would so it's really not It's just making one click before you do that. Yeah, and then if you could

Bookmark that new one that we have up right now because the old one they fucked us on not amazon other people Yeah, kind of screwed the pooch got you got fucking mother's day coming up. Did you know that? Um, maybe you should shop Through that banner and send something to your mother's. Yeah What do you fucking kick me out of the table? I'm sorry I hate I don't like my mom. Uh, it's just mean I was thinking of getting her a bag of snakes Can I get that on amazon? Do they sell a bag of snakes, you know what you could do is you can get you could probably get um

Some fake snakes have them sent here and then Prepare them in a different package in a way that would really terrify your mother about What have you got a phone call that said um bag of snakes your mother is hospitalized because she opened a bag of snakes I feel like I hope there's an inheritance Oh my god, what? Not my fault Babe, you know what?

You say things like that What are you gonna buy her mom on amazon? Let's be real. Let's keep it real on mama's on I smell I should put deodorant before this My mom is actually like You know, whatever you get her. She's like, oh, thank you. So nice sweet, right? But what does she really like gadgets? She likes pushing buttons. It's just like you. Yeah She likes to push buttons. She does like she likes like her ipad She has like four max and you're like, what do you do on these and she's like I play bridge

I'd check my email bejeweled. Yeah, and you're like, you know, you have a lot of fucking power, right? Yeah, and you're just fucking tower that you have so I can iMac and ipad and yeah You have your you have your macbook. What do you have all this for? I like my check my bridge And then she was playing angry chickens. What was that game you were playing angry birds? Yeah, I should say She wasn't she into that with you angry birds, right? Yeah, angry birds, right? Yeah Um, she did that for a minute and then she got very frustrated on like level four And she was like this is check

So yeah, so by your mom the computer on mom is on yeah by your mama computer on our mama's on link Hey, yo, check it out. Check it out. Check it out. Check it out. Well, you're fine. You got your coffee on. Yeah I hear snoring in the background It's our audience Jesus Christ you guys post stamp stuff. Come on. Come on. That's uh, no the snoring is is this guy, huh? Yeah, so tired. He had a bit it's we're recording this in the morning, which we seldom do But uh, you know, you know a long night theo It was sleeping in between my legs and then in between your legs

Now he's got a nap. He took a shit He did down He did. He's really ripping over there. God sounds like his dad Yeah, right. You were breathing. You had very labored breathing last night. Oh, so it was very high It was stoned really my body probably wanted to stop breathing because I was so Who's got that joke about being so high where you forget to breathe Some comic that I forget where he's like He should slow down so much. You're like

Look, you have to catch your breath Is that how you felt? Uh, no, I was so passed out. I mean, I tell you sometimes just just a hit of that Harawana is really hits a spot I don't smoke a ton But when I do it really it really helps my brain dude I haven't slept with great the last four nights. My brain's been keyed up. Oh, I got a pot story for you Oh, should we have started the show, man?

You know, don't think this pre-roll don't don't count as show We get we're giving you shit right now. Don't even act like oh the show ain't started. Fuck you, man What really happened on that Thursday here at Augusta High School that led to chriswood's death I'm dying this fucking country ass fucked up town Shit flying in my mouth The fuck I can't see Paula and let's get the fuck out this country motherfucker. I can't see me Who is Randy don't bring anyone loving to this Welcome

And Christina Oh Real talk, how old is that shirt? It's not mine. Who who's I think it's from corandola What do you mean, dude? I think I found it in the dryer. No. Yeah, it's not mine. No dumb dumb because no No, I know Listen, listen Listen fort jeans that shirt you used to have it on at my place before corandola. It's silver lake and then it's from a different apartment complex laundry

If you had it since silver lake some that's 10 years old we started dating in 2005 I just found this one day in my clothes So I think it's from a building, you know, that's a has to has happened to people There's one shirt that I wore for like, uh a year that I got from the dry cleaners It wasn't mine. It was like a nice button down college. Oh, it's a score. Yeah, and I was like, oh, it's a nice shirt Nice shirt. Okay. I'll wear it to shows and be like it's a nice shirt, man. I'm like I got it for free today at the laundry at the dry cleaners It's the best

Well to have a shirt that like you accidentally get that like fits you and you then looks good You're like that's a score Well, because I'm sure it's a it says Guinness on it and then it has that slout slant. I guess is cheers and whatever Muckle luck language that is. Yeah, it's an American. Yeah Uh I just I love the design. I love the color. I love it so much and it's not even yours and the best part is is that you have uh You have an arsenal of t-shirts that are about 10 years old or older since we started

You've got the the lovely used to be navy blue Which is now faded to the cornflower blue with the frayed the frayed collar. That's a nice shirt And you wear that sometimes two auditions or meetings with uh executives, which is kind of cool And then I like because you're I like that one because your chest flakes really show up On that and then you get you get what I'm trying to do A lot of people don't get what I'm trying to do And then you have your wingman shirt, which is It just says wingman on it and the the design is actually flecked off

The paint because it's about 11 years old too. Yeah, that's um, where's that wingman shirt from? What store is that? I think old navy old navy. Yeah old navy wingman, but what's really special about the wingman shirt Is that because it's so worn loved if you will The armpits have a nice permanently dark Staying tanned to them. No white though. It's like kind of dark and kind of white Has two different kind of colors that are permanent in in the armpit area How do you buy the shirt like that? How do you get them to me? Oh, no, you got to earn it You can't just buy it like that

That's like when you go to the the store and they have like, oh, this is uh has worn worn look for the gene Yeah, you're like, no, I earned this look Give it to sigura for a month. He'll he'll do that for you. Um, I I uh, I realize I don't have a lot of clothes and we actually buy No, we don't I mean that tons of clothes. No, I don't have clothes I'm saying that because I don't have clothes that I wear. I have clothes that I don't wear Yeah, you have tons of clothes that And I put you don't know what they are for

huge Garbage bags of clothes like in in thrifty bags this year and took it to goodwill and I still have Shit that I don't wear right aware four things that I have me too. I'm the same way It's fucking horrible But it's because we don't see it You and I are the kind of people that if it's neatly folded and put away like we forget about it Because we're always living out of a suitcase. It's a little bit of the hoarder in me though for sure Yeah, because I don't like I have trouble throwing things away

Yeah, because of what will happen if you if you throw that away. I don't know I have I have the um The illogical Irrational thought No, my thing is I think my brain operates on what if I need that for sure and I don't ask I don't follow up and go like No, no, no like ask yourself the next question and then get rid of it I just like, you know, it's probably just better to hold on to all this stuff That's how my mind operates

Yeah, because we have a ton of like remote controls to things that don't exist But that's all attached to that thought that's like that's from before going what if you need this Just buying another one or um, I think you love you love to hoard the boxes that technology comes in Like the the iphone box From the iphone 3 that we had or two or whatever date in 2008 you you like to keep those boxes What's that about if you keep the boxes to the the ipad or the boxes are cool I like the presentation of the box. It's part of the excitement of the technology is that it came in a cool box Yeah, yeah, I like it especially the apple stuff. It's so sexy like all that

Sweet and it's cool design anything that comes in a cool design I I want to look at and kind of keep for a while. You know, I used to do that Uh, my nana Nana likes that cold war. Yeah, that's a very eastern block poor person Like, uh, I gotta this container we can use this to bake muffins in you got to keep the box Well, I'm from I'm from the screets, you know, sure. Yeah Sure grew up in the screets sure

I'm happy birthday by the way. Thank you. Thank you and we should uh, I should definitely go out of my way right now to profusely thank the great people of appleton, wisconsin and the greater Appleton area the fox cities. I think is what they're called For coming to my shows at skyline this weekend. I had the best fucking time. Yeah Um, it was really it was awesome. I love the club. I can't wait to go back I had a great time, man. I love appleton. Did you wear your blue frayed collar shirt? I wore different shirts. It's too bad I think you should really wear your wingman shirt to the next podcast that we do live

I wore um, I wore shirts with jeans on them and I had like 40 pairs of jeans on them No, I had um I had a good time man. I got so oh, this is crazy. So on my way to out There's no direct flight to appleton from here. Obviously. So you have flight of minneapolis Oh, it's not an international hub of commerce and appleton, wisconsin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's huge airport. It's like brussels, right? Yeah, no, so I I fly to minneapolis. Who do I I board? I'm boarding the flight to minneapolis and I hear I turn around I'm like, what the fuck and then

I turn around as joey Diaz Is sitting on the plane already and I'm I turn around like what's up? He goes like a doctor and I'm like, oh shit So, of course, what's like a doctor? You don't know that? No, that's a that's a joey Diaz expression Everything's like a doctor. But why I don't that's how he gets shit done like a doctor Like that's how he shows up on time like a doctor. He gets out of there like a doctor You know everything is like So I the funniest human being I know it's great. I boarded the plane like a doctor. That's what he was saying I'm so go right like what like a doctor like and he's screaming this as people are boarding a flight

Like you can imagine the people are like, oh, it's like early in the morning. Yeah, people are terrified. So I fucking I sit in my seat and then You know, I give them time to kind of settle in and then I go I find him And uh, I'm like, what's up? He was he's like, oh, what's up? And we're just talking. He goes one edible Of course, um, sure man. How long did that take before the edibles came out? Well sat down next to him No, well this I didn't sit next to him on the first full the first time He was of course in first class like a doctor. I was in coach like a nurse. Yeah, not even like a nurse's assistant Yeah, like a residency student. Okay, so

After like just a little spill. He's like what edible when I go, okay He's like he goes he hands me that he goes It's only about half, but uh, it's like whatever he goes. It'll get you going going. Yeah, it'll get you going That's a quote. Yeah Only half it'll get you going and I go, okay So I put it in my pocket. It's in like a container. I chat with him for a bit. I go sit down I'm fucking around. I don't remember what I'm doing and then I don't know like an hour later. I'm like, I'll just I'll eat this now. So I take it out. It's like a blueberry

Like a little half of a a gummy gummy bear and I I eat it we land And I'm starting to feel like I'm like, oh, that's what he's talking about. It's like a little it's a little something to get you going We start walking through the airport together because we both have different connecting flights He tells me how bad the food was in first and who the fuck wants a quinoa salad And I'm like quinoa I love this shit. I go you mean quinoa and he's like quinoa quinoa fucking same difference And Holy shit about half hour later. I'm like, oh

I I'm gonna cry in the airport now Um, I just injected myself in fucking 500 cc's of heroin Holy shit is this powerful. Do you panic because I I like to get drunk on planes because I kind of know like I know how much to drink at the elevation and by the time I land I'm sobered up Like were you panicked that like I'm so fucked up. I can't find my gate Like how um, I'm so fucked up that I can't be around people. This is my fear I find the gate. I'm I'm I have enough like In me to find the gate and I immediately go like I am so fucked up. I can't be around anyone right now

And super paranoid It's real fun when you're that high Here's the worst part the flight from Minneapolis to Appleton Has a connector jet, you know, like one of these little commuter jets So I'm I'm absolutely out of my mind that the only thing that I would take comfort in is being comfortable like in my seat You know and just be sure I get one of these planes where the seats are a fraction the size of a standard coach those barbie planes, man

Man, and then I hate the person next to me is like a big dude So we're so uncomfortable next to each other and I also I know I'm way too high to talk So he's like he says like I'm not you're going home or are you going and I'm like Yeah, I don't even answer And I just put my headphones on like oh, this will keep me out of conversation. Yeah Then I try to take a picture of myself because I know how high I am But I realize in my super high mind that it looks like I'm taking a picture of the flight attendant I'm holding it up and pointing it towards her and she's looking at me and I go

I go picture of me She goes excuse me and I go I didn't I didn't take a picture of you and she goes Okay, like so I realized that she actually wasn't you know, you think that they're thinking that and then she was like Okay, and man, I'm I'm fucked up. I'm so fucked up It's bad How much did you eat of the gummy like I never I hate eating it was he said it was half of what it was So I don't know. I'm assuming it was it wasn't a gummy bear. It was like

a bigger piece of like It was gummy bear. What's it called material? You know, I mean like gummy. I get it. It's a gummy But it was it was something that was pretty big. It was now half size So that you eat half of a square. Yeah, like a half a square is what I That was fucking So next time I was chasing the dragon man. Take yeah, take half of the half right, but Joey Diaz is half Right anytime Joey gives you something. Yeah, keep dividing it keep like yeah Take a fraction of what Joey Diaz can handle man. So I was fucked up

Really fucked up. I called you from the hotel. I was out of my mind. I know I could tell and I didn't want to say anything Really? Of course. Okay, you were like, uh, like you you get quieter I it was a long day I figured because you like mentioned that you saw Joey and I'm like, oh, he's fucking loaded right now But if you tell someone who's loaded you're loaded then it makes that make you feel bad Never try to make the person feel badly. No, it's too hard to get through that time as it is, you know Of course. Yeah, so I was surprised that you were that high that long after you it take. Oh, no, no, you're not you don't understand The next morning I did radio and guess what I was high

What? Yeah. Oh my not as high, but I was still high So cliff I was like, I saw Joey Diaz. He's like, oh god. Are you high? I was like right now. Yeah He's like, yeah, I believe it so anyways, um That was insane the rest of the weekend was great then sunday I'm flying home. I fly from I fly from uh

Appleton Minneapolis. This time I got upgraded. I walk up to my gate top sagora Oh, no like a joey Diaz He's where he's sitting I show him and he's like two seats over So we end up he switches seats with the guy we sit next to each other He's like, here you go. He hands me an edible and this time I'm like, fuck no, I'm on no sleep. I'm like, there's no way It'll take down my whole sunday. I'll be a fucking mess. So

I just put in my pocket saved it for later But um, he he's like I'm looking at him and I'm like, whoa, I see his eyes Super dilated his legs shaking and I'm like, I talked to him for like five minutes and he goes, whoa I go away because I'm high as fuck right now And he is breaking down everybody that walks onto the plane Oh, no So funny, I bet like shit that you can't say I can't repeat but um, yeah So funny. Joey Diaz is the funniest human being alive besides Dave Patel right now. I think

Oh my god. He's just so fucking funny dude. It tells special. Oh my god. Yeah, they're both Hilarious, you know why though? It's that old school inappropriate Before political correctness came around like they're of the generation. Yeah Joey it doesn't even register at all. No, actually no the thing is Dia, uh, uh, atel knows What is and isn't politically correct and that's How he can shape something. You know what I mean? Like it's a there's an awareness calculated Diaz is unaware of political correctness. Yeah, so it's more like

Free-flowing. It's not even like a calculated joke. He's not conscious that the editor is appropriate and therefore funny if you use it This way. He's like, I just I drop it. I don't care what you guys say It's fucking so amazing. Yeah, he's amazing. Um, you gotta see david tells What's called road work? It's our comedy central right now. You can go to their site cc direct and I get it for five dollars, which I highly recommend Five dollars is too low. I have to say it's crazy But the amount of work that goes into producing an hour of stand-up. Yeah, it's especially for a master like david tell come on Support david tell god a support great stand-up. It's um, the five dollar investment for like

Literally the funniest person alive who's bananas. Yeah, it's such a good hour. Hey, can we talk about? I really would like to share with our I'd really like to share with our listeners something you said to me on the couch. Was it sunday night? We were watching mr. Selfridge And I was Gassy as usual And I was sitting on your lap and we were just like cuddling and stuff and then Just share the phrase that you said to me

I said, um Show me how those big tits fart I'm sorry show me how those big tits fart What what does that mean to you exactly like what walk me through your it's a sexy like, uh Thing to say to your partner It's like saying like Yeah, baby. I like how you do that We had had dinner and we were just enjoying ourselves on the couch. Yeah sitting around

I looked over I saw those big tits and I was just like, uh Hey, why don't you show me how those big tits fart? That has to be the craziest thing a spouse has ever has to be the craziest thing a husband's ever said to a wife on a couch Tied you on didn't it? Nope I feel like uh, I don't feel like not many women in America get to hear that phrase show me how those big tits fart I mean, I've never heard those combination of words, but together. I'm really impressed. Thank you Thank you very much and did those big tits show you how they fart they show me all the time They showed me at 4 30 in this morning

And I after I had fallen asleep. I was kind of in my sleep and I just heard That's not true. Yeah, and I woke up. I was like what in the fuck and you're like, this is not true It wasn't that's what you did the dog Theo the dog You he was right behind you where your butthole was and then you farted and it startled him like the poor dog shook No, that wasn't very Christian of you. Come on. This um opening clip is like an infamous clip It's one of those things sometimes like we get sent clips and I'm like, well everyone's seen that or everyone's heard that but um

I don't know for some reason that today or yesterday watching it for like The 100th time I was like we should just share it anyways It's still funny. It doesn't matter 500 000 people. Yeah, I've seen it. Who gives a shit. It's crazy. It's still good The dude literally has a he gets his reporter voice and then his real voice What really happened on that thursday here at augusta high school that led to chris woods death I'm dying this fucking country ass fucked up town Shit flying in my mouth Fuck I can't see pilot and just get the fuck out this country motherfucker. I can't

Oh man, that shit was hilarious so fucking funny, dude. Um there's uh There's our voices and then our real voices Like these are our broadcasts right right and then the way you really talk shut the fuck up There's so much retarded shit that we have To share with people So much retarded. Oh by the way, um So I asked I was like, oh, I remember it when we when we started playing

This last week That's what we aspire to is to bring you guys the most retarded shit we could find He I was like, oh, I wonder what the context of that is Because it's such a crazy thing to say and I thought, you know, maybe it was that like somebody got his food order wrong Sure. Well, they sent us The context. Oh his actual speech. I won't play the whole thing, but I'll give you a little idea This guy is out of his fucking mind He's the craziest person ever. I'm gonna be much longer with y'all

I understand We need to move beyond color I'm not I'm not about that, but y'all raised it If you started I'll end it for you don't start nothing It won't be nothing. He's a fucking rap lyric Don't start nothing won't be nothing. That's what he just said. Do you know something stupid though? And my brain I was like, oh, that's really smart. Actually. Well, it's starting on the no be nothing. He's right. He is He this dude is gonna blow your mind. He's so full of hatred. It's like the Aristotle the

I'm assuming he's black african-american Yeah, yeah, yeah, but he's so hateful. It's it's unbelievable I've never heard anybody like but we got a problem Black people got a problem Now we can move to color blindness and always look at the man by the content of his character never the color of his skin I'm down for that. You're getting my vote. Yeah, it ain't me and I'm for that But before we get there We need to hear some truth black people and white folk black people got a problem

And it's a god problem When black people see the world, I don't you can train them You can train a black man to be a physician. You can train him to be astrophysicist You can train him to be a lawyer, but you can't train him to understand the world. He doesn't know I'm telling you what There's not two sets with a difference between a mass murderer There's not two sets of difference between a petty thief that's locked away in prison than a black doctor when it comes to Understanding the world. Listen. Listen. You listen to me

Listen listen listen listen We got to deal with this Coming to the shores of Africa or the slave ships black men built nothing No sewer system No houses above one level And he's just shitting on black. He's a black preacher is shooting on he's saying that despite those achievements that Um, black people are still not doing enough. Is that is that he's saying that black people can't be leaders and that they are Unaccomplished and have never done anything. Okay. I love he's saying this to a black black congregation. Oh boy

None of them made out of stone all of made out of grass and wood black men Before the white man ever got to Africa The worst thing that could ever happen to South Africa was when they gave it to nelson mandela and black folk That was a great nation. I know I was standing a path. I was wrong. We all know it's wrong I'm against it. There should have been some other resolution though than turning it over to nelson mandela This is part of the speech disease

This is crime is running wild in Johannesburg We got a problem Nigeria produces oil every year Yet the children over there are hungry and potbellied and walking barefoot. We got a problem You talk about the hood twos and the tootsies. Look what's going on in Zimbabwe now What the hoors and the tootsies and the tootsies and the rebut on the bop on the flint And when you paint your tootsies and you don't know what color you like We got a problem black folk and forget about Zimbabwe in South Africa

Nigeria Fuck man He ended up to tell the truth and the only person going to ever help us get out of the situation It's going to be god. There's something wrong with the black man mind. There's something wrong with his mind He does not understand the world He doesn't I don't care if he learned medicine. He doesn't understand the world He can't even hold on to Harlem when he was here. He moved out Yeah, I know I got we got to talk to the lord

People we got to talk to god Yeah Yeah And black women Uh-oh, yeah Shirley Chisholm Harriet Tubman Coretta King one of her boys. Yeah, okay, then we got a black president

Okay, but you black women. What's wrong with y'all? Y'all gonna let that white woman What's wrong with you black women voting for barrage? Don't you understand? It should have been a black woman if you're going to have a black president. What's wrong with you? Y'all ain't got no sense. You black women your men treat you like the dogs like your dogs They walk all over you They make you pay the bills at home and then the preachers pimpy in the churches and make you pay the bills Y'all crazy black women buying these black men private jets the 250 million dollars for a nigga to ride around in a private jet And you talk about look at our pastor. What's wrong with y'all women? What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you?

And what's wrong with a black man that would take that kind of money out of a poor neighborhood and buy himself a private jet What's wrong with y'all niggas? What's wrong with you? Not a lot of applause. What's wrong with you black women? What's wrong with you votes for the rock obama? What's wrong with you? What's wrong with y'all your niggas are crazy Black people let me tell y'all something. You know, I can't I can't listen to it. I feel it I don't think I I don't follow his you don't train somebody black folk They say something by negro. Oh dear. Oh, let me tell you something by niggas. Oh my now. This is not racist anything praise the lord

but say news an african man and a white trash woman To give birth to this wicked spirit called barack hussein obama barack's father did whatever What 70% of all black men do run off and leave and don't support He is not black He's white trash He's white trash barack who's saying obama Is white trash? Isn't that the

It's so crazy. It's so crazy. All this is so crazy. I've never can I tell you though? I was thinking about it in terms of how far black people have come From being slaves and being brought over here and being royally ass-fucked by whitey They're doing pretty good. Okay. All things considered like holy shit. Oh, you mean you you don't You don't follow what pastor manning says Hey, barack hussein obama Who is nothing but a long-legged devil right out of the pit of hell? And if you don't mind my saying it in jesus hates him too

You got children you haven't taken care of and if you can't take him He's out of his mind out of his and we will be playing a lot more of him In the near future Yeah, yeah, I don't know. So thank you to everybody that sent clips of pastor manning Um, that's a pastor that has a congregation. Where is he? I'm obviously in the south. I'm assuming. No, I don't think he is actually I think no, I don't think so I think it feels like the south Um, I could tell you right now

Feels like a very tolerant southern Yeah, he is really out of his. Oh, maybe you're right. No. No, it's in new york Really? Yeah, it's in harlem. Yeah Um, you know, I I'm all about hating whitey. I I I I fucking hate white people too Oh, this is funny because the description of it says he's out of his atla worldwide missionary church is a purportedly christian church and ministry Located in harlem. The church is led by James david manning who is the chief pastor

um, yeah, he offers classes on preaching and prophecy It's also the helm of the manning report, which he oh boy church gain attention for statements They call for violence against lgbt persons. Oh boy, and we're critical barack about god He's so crazy whenever somebody puts their name in front of the word report Or like, you know the damage report right here like oh boy. You're out of your freaking mind, dude. Oh my god Well, uh, yeah, that guy's out of his gourd and speaking of church going folk

Who are out of their gourd and uh, how much white people suck? I hate these white people the most. I hear you. Oh, yeah I know that this um This group really has a special place in your heart. I feel like yeah I've hated the dugger family since their inception on tlc. This is the story of my family Yeah, and what's interesting is that I I I hate them so much that I couldn't watch the show for years and then I accidentally stumbled upon them yesterday And rekindled my rage my absolute disdain for the fucking duggers these you were fired up yesterday

Oh, they're such fucking retards. I mean, uh, if you could just go ahead and play the intro Because I think it sums up why I hate them. I fucking hate them so much. God damn it white people This is the story of my family. Where's the duggers? That's me. I'm michelle. There's jim bob my wonderful husband And our children josh is our oldest he married anna and they had our first granddaughter mckinsey Then there's jenna john david jill jessa ginger joseph josiah joy anna jedadiah jeremiah jason james Justin jason johanna jennifer jordan and our latest precious edition josey You lost count. That's a grand total of 19. And yes, I delivered every one of them

Of course with this many kids we do things a little differently than most families No, no play what the next is it always easy, but somehow we make it all work I drink sweet tea pause it. I like how the kid the child is like It's not easy, but somehow we manage you know how you guys manage Because you guys are robbed of your childhood and your mother makes you raise your brothers and sisters because you gotta keep popping them out Yeah, you selfish fucking whore conch devil worshiper you and your suck fuck husband Your wonderful husband jim bob have to keep pumping out and do you like how fake? Her whole that her whole demeanor are like

Yeah My Last count i've shoved a fucking Almost 20 people out of my post. Yeah We just have a wonderful family me and jenba and you're like, who are you you're out of your mind? And because we interpret the bible literally We we believe that you should just never stop coming and fucking and having kids and if the come works As it says in the bible when the come works you fuck up or another kid's life

They're it is child abuse In my opinion super fucking neglectful It's it's so abusive because that 19th kid that joe z who's now born jebediah jambalaya Just joseph jews lauber and you see what i would respect jamboree as if pastor manning talked about how they're white Yes, thank white trash. Yeah. Yeah 19 kids in camp 19 A fucking little white trash babies walking around the duggas Yeah, i would i would like the dugger preaching against them But it's just it's so maddening and that they have a television show that like glorifies these fucking retards

With their fucking inbred retard kids the only hope is that those young daughters are getting hotter and hotter and cuter and cuter God i hope they just run away from these awful parents Well, you you know, i just was like watching a little piece of it that you showed me and it's just like statistically There's a couple gay kids in the family already. Oh, i can't which you know is super upsetting disappointing to them and Statistically they're gonna have they got to have a couple they're gonna have a boozer maybe a drug user. Absolutely. I hope so and definitely a couple of Come slovers, you know, they're all come slovers. They love come. This is a family that loves come. That's what they should rename it

Duggers who love come I think kids who all love come. Yeah and counting all eating come come and mom's pussy Come come come and that the best part is that I honestly think that if you have 19 children Your selfish piece of shit. Yeah, and you can't see them as people with needs and the father is so callous Towards them. The mom is really actually quite giving and loving as much as she can be But the dad's here's an I pulled this clip just to show you the audacity So these retards have to get their wisdom teeth pulled So that's 19 children who have to pay for them to get their wisdom teeth pulled

And um, you know when you go into surgery what you can't do You can't have food or drink hours and hours and hours before. Yeah, so sometimes like 12 hours before you're not supposed to do dummy So this is the clip of this kid Uh, do you go ahead and hit play just sets up what what the drama is of the episode. Okay Two hours before Well, it's been Tell us that three hours Sweet sweet tea. Did you say sweet tea? So he just said I had I just had sweet tea. He drank sweet tea a couple hours ago

That's considered like Yes That you maybe had some sweet tea three hours ago. Yes So he I drank sweet tea three hours ago. That's not food. Is it like the problem with having A million retarded hillbilly kids is that they don't have common sense either Like you're raising them to be retards. Well, no one's raising them. That's the problem. Right. Yeah, there's nobody really in charge Right and like you said, they all have to become parents When they're like, he's a parent already, right this kid who drank the sweet tea has an infant at home already

So he actually has an infant. He's an adult who's married. He's the eldest That one is dugger and he doesn't fucking know that food or drink constitutes sweet tea Sweet tea counts as a food or drink before surgery And then um, but they have like there's images of like a nine-year-old holding a baby who's like, I'm just fucking taking care Like they just all have to be parents. There's a there's a baby nursing another baby. Like they're all So like a little baby is sucking on a another five-year-old's tits. Yeah We raise each other I just it's uh, I hate them so much. It's so arrogant and it's so selfish and it just unbelievably

Just it just blows my mind how selfish you have to be to continue to pump them out And and to just justify it with like it's in the bible god wants it. Yeah. Well. Yeah, they're cats It's like having litters and litters of kittens and then I don't care. What about the who's raising them? I don't care the drain on like just natural resources that your family now Yeah, well and the best part is there's this I saw the preview for the upcoming episode We're like a good morning america guy or whoever goes to visit them and he's like Yeah, nobody watches these kids. They just get to run around on the farm and it shows them on like a tire swing Like screaming. We just break all our legs. We don't care like of course. Nobody's watching you. Yeah

Nobody fucking gives a shit. What does jim bob do your cattle? What does he do? I think they run a farm and I think they do this tv show like I'm not sure And what city or state is he in probably utah somewhere the Somewhere idiotic like listen the guy's a fucking retard and jim bob is no treasurer himself You just insulted our utah listeners. There's like two. I love you guys. I like you guys. I don't like the duggers I don't know where they live. Hmm. I would fucking hate them so much. God. I hate you direct that hatred to christina when you Go ahead, man. When you're a salt lake. Go find the duggers Now you're really so play play now. So so then their asshole thought so that you're about to hear the doctor explain

Why you can't have food or drink or sweet tea or sweet tea. Okay I didn't I don't know where I put the paper. I was looking for it We're not able to do the surgery today because you have the sweet tea. Sorry. Yeah, it's So that was liquid. Does that ever happen to anybody else? Yeah, it does, but it's just water and there's an irrational is If you have some light in your stomach Theoretically you get sick the anesthesia, especially you guys in the family because you're prone to yeah Yeah, and so if you if you were to be asleep and get sick your normal reflexes to get rid of it are not intact And so therefore it can get into your lungs and kind of ruin everybody's day

So we'll just so the point is is that you can't have fluid in your stomach because the anesthesia Could cause you to vomit and then you could choke on your vomit and it would quote ruin everybody's day It would um It would be a bummer Just because you would die, but the good news is there's 18 other kids. So yeah, the shit if you die. Yeah, yeah That's true. I think that would they get over that pretty quick. Yeah, they got josey's the new one I think they get over nine of them dying pretty quickly The best part is josey the youngest who was just born had severe

Like problems. I remember they were like this baby might die because mom can't carry the 19th Child and like oh, she's a miracle baby like no If this were a different era that kid would have died and it would have been an okay thing Yeah, you selfish fucking cow go ahead So now the guy comes in the dad's coming in after the doctor just explained Why somebody could die if they drink sweet tea before So the dad comes to pick up to see the son and this is what the father jimbab has to say He'd come back as a parent and get all over it. He was 1130 when I had it left. Yeah

So so unless hers takes me like four hours, you're probably not gonna be done today ginger Yeah Here comes dad joseph and josh are not having their surgery today because they drank tea Oh, that's all right. Just go to the bathroom No, no three years. You guys ready to get cattle in? Yeah, we have a little problem though. We didn't we we drank something so I don't know if we even had a surgery Oh, that's all right. Just go to the bathroom when the surgery. Well, he said the chances are Did you hear that? What a dad how

That's all right. Go go to the bathroom before you have surgery. Yeah. Jebediah jambalaya just drank sweet tea. Go ahead Just go ahead. Yeah, go ahead. They're really limited, but the longer we sit here. Maybe I don't know You didn't read the directions. Yeah, we got the paper and I guess we didn't pass on the information clearly Yeah for something so No, I fear it's just pretty much the standard stuff, you know that you see all the time josh and joseph are much more Um, I don't know they like to well We're supposed to do this, but we can probably get pretty close to you know close to the edge So to speak they should listen to the directions and my costume

My dad thought it would be okay. Um, if they would just go ahead and take our teeth out These guys that were drinking sweet tea here. Yeah, I'm in trouble. I'm sorry about that. That's all right There's only one way we could talk you into doing it. Is there no giving me overtime or anything? No, no chance Did you hear what the dad just suggested? Can we talk you into doing it? Maybe give you a little extra overtime He was willing to slip the doctor 20 basically and be like just do it the surgery anyway I don't care if my kid chokes on his own vomit. I got 18 more. I don't give a shit Do you realize how crazy that is?

Anyway, we can talk you into doing it He asked a doctor if they could talk him into doing surgery on his son Who who when the doctors? First thought is I shouldn't perform the surgery right now. I don't care though. Shit these kids. I pop one out every year I don't give a fuck. I mean if if there if there's ever been a moment Um, I think the moment is now, you know What's wrong with you? What's wrong with y'all your niggas are crazy

Yeah, white people are way crazier. I can't I can't even wrap my head around how abusive that is like Yeah, somebody if you chose it's just so stupid. It's stupid more than anything. It's so stupid Yeah, I think it's indicative of their whole parenting philosophy of like, well Just let them go Hard number one. That's what I call them. Hard number one. Uh, had a little something to drink In a way, I could uh Talk talky into doing maybe maybe give you a little extra overtime So is that something we could walk work out right and I love that the doctor's like there's zero points. They're crazy

I'm in trouble. I'm sorry about that. That's all right. There's only way we could talk you into doing it Is there no giving me overtime or anything? No, no chance Dr. Cross new best and he knew that that was the protocol. You just do not Have anything in your stomach before surgery. Yes next Wednesday afternoon. Thanks Wednesday afternoon. Okay I mean and and and when can I have a sweet tea? Can I have it how far before these red necks and their sweet tea? I can't possibly go without sweet tea before my before my big surgery My my my my my my daddy said my my my my my my daddy said that I can't have no

Have no sweet sweet tea yet. When can I have sweet tea afterwards? They just need them sweet tea Can y'all put the anesthesia in the sweet tea Can we make them work together? My favorite too is that the wife is so oblivious to how abusive that was that she's like Well, I mean the doctor knows best and the doctor said jim bob usually knows best, but This time the doctor did my wonderful husband Jim bob jim bob can do no wrong apparently he can blast load after load in her and try to kill off How do they fuck? I always hear married people talk about that, you know that second kid

Really puts a puts a fuck throws a wrench into your fucking time And it's hard to find time to fuck. Yeah, and that like we used to have sex all the time But we got these two kids that are just taking over our lives. So we don't have sex anymore How the fuck do you keep fucking at? I don't know 12 13 kids 14 15 16 17 18 9 Like how do you keep doing it? I they don't have selfish cunt. Yeah, they have no time to sleep I don't know how they have time to lay down and fuck each other. Yeah, they're fucking in the closet sometime Yeah, it's crazy. It's absolutely. I hate them so much I I hope every one of them fucking dies. I hope the you know what I hope is that

No, I hope mrs. Duggar Just snaps one day and she finally is like, I'm fucking ain't all you all you niggas are crazy And then she just stabs every one of her children. Excuse me. What was that? Yeah, I hope she turns into that reverend manning. Can you lend a nigga a pencil? Yeah, what if she turns to jim bob? She's like you fucking niggas are crazy. Oh man, I would love it I would love it. It would be a serious finale and then it would be amazing. She stabs this fucking nutsack That'd be a great show. I'd watch that. Yeah, that'd be a show. We could all watch Um, we gotta get going. There's a lot to do. I take a piss. I'm really looking forward to the birthday show

Tonight san diego She's a shower. I'm so dirty right now. I have a mom dish and I have to go to oh we practice Give me your line. There's two lines. Let's practice right now. Let's do it ready. Yeah All right, food drink and redemption. Okay. That's one line Oh, okay. You got any respect? And same good job. Did I get it? I I give you the part right now No, I give you the part. All right. I love you. Your niggas are crazy I love you

I think um This deserves another play. It was so fantastic. Yeah, thank you joe double. Thank you listeners We love you your mom's house podcast.com We'll see you soon. All right. Bye everybody The mom's house My house This year's big time How's your mom's in there?