Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 216-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 23, 2014

Well a very heavy bertation tonight. We had a very derison bite. Lets go ahead terrison to the bit in the hit a bit. Make sense? Good. Ladies, watch out, it could happen to you (fingers crossed!). Theo has been going on SOLO adventures. We finally catch up to what he's been doing - he was not very forthcoming, for the record. Plus a touching Easter story from Tina and she REkindles the flame that is her passion for UB40. Can Tom decode what some black guy is saying? Did The Ultimate Warrior know where the Dudes were at?? We may be able to confirm that. Keep It Greezy!

honestly and this is like this goes for almost all the moments in the scene it wasn't until somebody was actually there telling me you have two in you or you have three in you that like it actually kind of clicked and I'm like oh my god this is actually happening honestly and this is like this goes for almost all the moments in the scene it wasn't until somebody was actually there telling me you have two in you or you have three in you that like it actually kind of clicked and I'm like oh my god this is actually happening

the best song ever you turn me up a little bit turn you up that jewel song was loud and then I can is that good yeah better it's better yeah it's good wow it sounds good these are tasty you said this mic is delicious sounds delicious we have a lot of news to deliver you know I'm saying you know you know I'm saying first off allow me to apologize I will not be at the Addison improv this weekend Addison Texas April 24 through 27th I had to cancel and I am not allowed to say why we'll get into more reasons why you can't say why soon for legal reasons yeah but I'm my

deepest apologies but please know that it's because your mother is working on something important and she misses you and I wish I could be there I promise I'll make it up to you guys yeah all right all right can't say more than that really so no not really unfortunately that's the way NDA's work yeah means just don't talk don't say shit yeah so I gonna the that's that's too bad so that's that's what's up and then I will be in the lovely French city of Cleveland Ohio on the river next to the strip club the Cleveland improv Thursday Friday Saturday and Sunday come and see me I'm putting it down for you I I'm actually

really excited to be back I'm gonna be gonna be enjoying the city I actually have a good time in Cleveland and but there's a great restaurant one of my favorite restaurants in the country green tavern greenhouse tavern yeah greenhouse tavern and the strip club is nice to beautiful nice girls nice management everybody treats you well there you know bring a couple bills have fun so there's that it's right there on on the river on the water right there on the water there's that and then we get I get back from there and then we go to Vancouver Vancouver Vancouver British Columbia finally it's one of it's a

chance for me to show you one of my favorite cities oh what are you gonna show me well I always have a good time there you know I've always told you that it's a it's a beautiful city I love the club it's like one of the nicest staffs I've ever worked with and it'll be fun you know yeah I'm excited to see Vancouver I've not been there before yeah okay that'll be a good time I'm excited to show you it's very cosmopolitan you know it's very yeah you see there's Asians and other races nice so that's a Vancouver we're doing the podcast this important yeah we only do the podcast one night in the great Vancouver we do

it the 30th of April Wednesday April 30th the rest of the nights we're doing stand-up it's all taking place at the comedy mix on Barard Street that's right there in the Century Plaza Hotel but we would love if you come to see the podcast on Wednesday also known as mom's day what else change wait so in Vancouver there's Asians do they talk with that Canadian accent are they like oh a spicy shrimp a yeah they're like a you tell jokes a like that like spot on okay yeah they do that like that I can do basically like a beer perfect those really we're both really good at Asian accents yeah I mean I'm kind of the

man when it comes to accents what's your favorite accent to do would you say I just prefer to go like what do you want to hear you know what do I okay Boston accent hey be retired were you retired are you a retired it's really good yeah gosh it was like Bill Burr was here I didn't know it was you or Bill Burr Jesus Christ people there you go are you fucking kidding me go fuck yourself okay I'm getting fucking mind don't are you fucking dead you just say that dude dude are you fucking out of your mind guys June 6 9 p.m. funhouse Portland Oregon your mommy's doing one night of stand-up only come see her there

hold it down suck on those titties what sorry I thought I was trying to help oh we forgot May 8th is Denver come on that's huge at the Denver we're doing the podcast in Denver one night May 8th yeah the what the Dark Star lounge all right and the very next night Seattle Washington at the Highline podcast live it's gonna be a blast it's gonna be a blast of load on your face check out that's really good check out the new website your mom's house podcast.com we have all kinds of treats and you can have links to tickets to buy you can see videos that we play on the show we're now posting them so you guys can see

them that's right they'll be they'll be I know people keep asking what about this one about this one they're coming we're adding them you know a little at a time but yeah it'll be full of clips but here's the big announcement are you even ready for this if you go to that that site our site the main jeans site there's a new addition jeans you know about this no you don't know well beginning today you go there you can find our brand new brand spanking new is that how the kids say it brand spanking new shirt you have it's there it's there we have we have women's cuts for the first time wow specific women's shirts

specifically and then specifically we have men's enormous sizes so we got itty bitty lady sizes and then gigantic jeans sizes didn't greasy and it's the greasy shirt it in greasy it's one of the coolest designs we've ever we both flipped this one ever and it says it you just got to check it out it's your mom's house podcast super dope it in greasy in greasy it's really the best it's possibly it's the coolest design ever we have up to 4x and again women's shirts and shipping is included in the shirt that's great what about what's the largest so for four for women to or just no not for women I think for women I

don't know for women as far as I live for a minute goes up to 10x right well six x's we definitely have some three and four x's out there what's the biggest x that you can go to yeah oh if you go to a big and tall store I went with a comedian and Tommy Rhyman one time he weighs like 95 pounds we walked in there and then they were like showing us stuff then they started to look at us they were like well he's fat but what about you like they were just looking at us cuz we're like can we try these on and I made him put on a 7x polo then they saw that we were just mocking them and they were like you can leave that's not

fair when I went to Korea I was the fattest most enormous woman they've ever seen in Korea yeah because everybody's super teeny tiny and I went to go buy it I just was like looking at bras dude there's not even a bra that could remotely fit one of my dude bro bro and then bro bro for real I went to buy jeans and she was like oh you're so fat like she she told me I didn't I needed extra large but this but this is gonna blow your mind this is awesome we're gonna have this is fucking this shirt is amazing oh it's gonna knock your jeans so excited about it didn't greasy it's gonna pull your Chuck Woolery jeans down

oh yeah Chuck's got to get one of these he's a big fan of the show oh my gosh yeah also guys please do your Amazon shopping through your mom's house podcast.com click on the banner on our home page for the US and we have one for Canada buy your mother's day gift there you know you're gonna buy her some butt plugs baby you're gonna get your mom what you're gonna get your mom some butt plugs isn't that what she asked for your mother your mom your mom asked for all kinds of weird stuff come over here and shit on my kids there's your mom your mom wants some enemas your mom wants some nipple clamps they're all

there at Amazon.com if you go through our website that's where you can buy them. Get your mom the Naughty Boy. Get your mom the Root Boy and the Naughty Boy. Get her both. The ska version is the Root Boy. Chicken trying with your stepdad. Let her try it out. Alright check it out. Really juvenile Tom. Not mature. Ayo yo check the shit out. Ayo. Would your mom use no your mom would never. Do you think your dad would use the Root Boy? No but I try to talk him into it. I just don't feel comfortable buddy. Come on dad let me put it in here because the Root Boy it tickles your taint and then it goes up your bum. Yeah I think my dad

might have to do it. Alright let me see this. Alright here we go. Alright you ready to do these jeans? I can't wait. Let's get busy. CBS 2 Serene Branson is live at the Stakeholder Center with highlights and backstage coverage we're seeing for the very first time Serene. Well a very very heavy do it. Burtaiton tonight. We had a very Darius Darrison bite. Let's go to Terris Chays English for the bet to have the pet. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. You're burning the fucking stand. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Christina Pazitzis. Welcome to your mom's house. I just started using the guitar too now. I added that in Pasadena. The electric guitar. You play

all the instruments when we listen to that song but that yeah what inspired you to start to pick up the guitar? I think it was the live audience. We had the that's probably the most fun I've ever had at a live podcast. Me too. It was on Saturday. I think part of it was that it was unexpected. I didn't know if there would be a turnout because it was a holiday. Like it was right before Easter. I was like oh maybe people just not come out this time. And then we got there and they're like oh no you're almost sold out and I was like what? And there's a lot of familiar faces. We have repeats people that we now know as people which is really neat to see the same faces. It's like we all participate now in this thing.

Mahalo to our Hawaiian friends. Oh yeah hi and our young stand up friends. Yes it's a great crew that came out so that episode from Pasadena will be up either Friday or next week. I forget which one. Is that FIFO? Trying to get him snoring on Mike. Oh really? There's sirens. You got those on Mike? Yeah you'll notice there's sirens in the background. That is something you normally don't hear on your mom's house and that is because we are broadcasting from a remote location today. Undisclosed. Undisclosed I will not say where I am where we are right now. This is why you can't go to Addison. Yes so we're in a different place than we normally are. Lots of sounds that are foreign. Say just

say what you can say. I can say that it's related to a television show. Okay. But there's I cannot say anything more. Isn't that crazy? It's really scary actually. Is this fart patrol? Is this that show that's coming out on CBS? It's called yeah. Who can fart the loudest and the longest? Why would they even challenge you? I mean you obviously would win that. This is the best. My name is Christina Bajitzky and I can out fart anybody. Anybody here. Oh so here's a couple things. First about Pasadena. Thank you so much everybody that came out. Thank you to everybody that watched on the World Wide Web. We understand that there was a number where a number of people that bid on the different things. Thank you so much for that. We still have

to get like basically that information goes to Kogo. They have to send it to us so I already got like a tweet today about somebody I guess they could bid on a topic that they want to bring up on the show. Oh funny. So they're like hey when how do I do that? So let that give us a couple days to get all the information from Kogo and then once they give it to us we will we will reach out to you when they send us your information and then you know it'll it'll go from there. So all right. The Phi Fanator. Sorry. Very upset that you were not home. Very upset. Oh I know I hate it. I hate not being around him. Yeah he um he doesn't like it when you're not there. Does not like it. What was he saying? Was he talking about me? Like do you know?

Yeah he was like uh where that bitch at? Really? That's what he just said right there yeah. Tom first of all I have some very disturbing news about our dog. I don't know I didn't even tell you this yet but so I was getting the mail and our neighbor was out there and uh and he goes yeah last week your dog came out to my yard and and uh and then he saw a baby in a stroller and started barking at the lady and the baby in the stroller and then our dog Theo went into our neighbor's house. What? Yeah went into our neighbor's house and and our neighbor's a nice guy he's like oh it's fine like he was so cute he came in our house everybody was petting him. What? Yeah he was being pet and loved and then um and then the neighbor was like yeah and then I told him to go home and I pointed

to where you guys live and then he ran home like he knew. Dude do you remember when Theo got out? Not at all. It makes me think that that's not true. No you think he would lie? Well I mean he could have it wrong. When is he ever like we would have noticed that that's a long enough you know amount of stuff to go on where it's not like there's no such thing as us not knowing where he is at when we're at home for like 30 minutes. I'd think so too but I don't know why the neighbor would lie and he he knows it. What if he's not lying but he just got it wrong? How? Like he just thought it was Theo. Babe there's there's no other dog in the neighborhood that looks like our dog. Maybe it was a coyote. A coyote? Yeah a coyote. You really think so? Yeah or um what if it was

a possum or something and he was just like a raccoon? Yeah I came into the house and he's like oh hey Theo. Maybe who knows. Why don't you ask him? Well let's see Theo hey wake up hold on come here Theo. Damn bitch. Were you sleeping? Fuck you think. Oh I'm sorry. I ain't on my back with my nuts. Well where I used to have nuts scratching snoring what the fuck you think I'm doing meditating? Oh Theo we love you so much. You always disrupt shit. Like no I'm sorry baby you'll have many much more time to sleep. Fuck you up. Um well Theo we had some disturbing news from the neighbor. The neighbor said that you were running around his yard and barking at a stroller and a baby and and then you went into our neighbor's house. Yeah. Well is this true? I mean ain't this

such thing as privacy around here? But Theo privacy what do you mean? I mean my own privacy like I can do what the fuck I won't have to not have to tell you fuck I'm doing every second every goddamn day. Okay. But Theo you're under our carrier our son you're not you're under my care. Okay. If I want I could shut this whole shit down if I want. You could shut the whole shit. What are you talking about? I mean I could siphon gas from your jeep I could fucking clean out the fridge and leave you without food and gas and you'd be stranded. Okay. I know how to survive in the wild I'm a wild animal. Okay. Well let me ask you Theo why did you leave the house? To fucking do private shit. I have people's private shit. Like what? I have people's I have shit to take care of people owe me money I gotta

take care of business I gotta collect shit. You're a dog how can they possibly owe you? Excuse me it's the fucking NBA playoffs is going on right now there's bets going on. Bet and you're collecting on bets? If people lost they gotta pay up. What are they paying you in? What are they paying me in? Motherfucker US dollars bitch what the fuck you think? Okay I'm sorry okay dollars. Yeah. Now what's this I hear about you barking at the stroller and the baby carriage and all that stuff? Oh that was that bitch yeah she was trying to say that her husband would get me fucking when I'm old or whatever day and I just I let her know that I don't play around these parts you know what I'm saying? Okay and then so you barked at that and then you went inside of our

neighbor's house? Uh yeah. For how long I mean? For as long as it took me to eat a motherfucker sandwich because y'all never give me sandwiches? No because dogs aren't supposed to have sandwiches FIFA that's not how it goes. Okay you don't have to mock me Theo it's very rude. Well I like getting my my where I had balls licked and I can't do that and you don't feed me sandwiches so I go out there I take care of business I get what I need and then I fucking come home and I would expect that you would respect my motherfucker privacy and then next time stop asking me stupid fucking questions is that too much to ask? Okay tell you what Theo next time just don't sneak out because your dad and I worry about you you could get hit by a car you could get kidnapped I mean

you're a very cute dog. Both of those also apply to you just so you know. Excuse me? You could get hit by a fucking car and you could get kidnapped and you're also a very pretty dog. Theo I'm not a dog I'm a person I'm your mom. What is wrong with you? We take care of you we love you. No I take care of me. You know what I'm saying? Do me a favor don't sneak out anymore stay inside of the house where you're supposed to and stop collecting gambling debts from the other dogs in the neighborhood could you do that for me? He's done? Yeah. Shit man. All right Theo go back to sleep I'm sorry I disturbed you.

Sick of this shit. Okay I love you Theo. Whatever. What the hell can you believe this dog? That's unbelievable. He never answers me when I ask him questions. I don't know I don't think he understands you I think it's something to do with the pitch of your voice maybe he doesn't hear your frequency or something. Really? Yeah dogs can hear high pitch like me you know I have a very feminine girly voice. What is this I have here I have this thing marked I don't know what it is. Oh it's that thing okay. Do you like hip hop y'all? Do you like hip hop y'all? What was that? I don't know what it is. So. No thanks. No thanks. But seriously. I got a 2001 Chevrolet Suburban you know what I'm saying

putting it off for the city. It took me about six months to put it together. I had it like this like two years now you know what I'm saying. DJ Kube y'all know me but I'm saying Chuck Town Rapper Santa because I'll be doing it you know what I'm saying. Put it down who's your daddy called back to you know what I'm saying. June 2010 let's get it. Okay. Who's that? Who's that? Yeah that's my uncle Steve. Is that Theo? If Theo we're a person. Probably. Probably. We didn't even really I feel like back in the Red Band days we had played this Serene whatever her name is um but and I couldn't remember but I think we did but it hasn't been on in a long time and it was one of it's one of the best audio clips of all time. It's amazing we're it's like a medical phenomenon

taking place. Oh this is the opening clip that we played yeah. Vertation tonight. We had a very Darius Darrison bite let's go to Terris Chase English for the bet they had the pet. Oh my god. That sounds horrific. Oh my and you can see shock in her face. Dared Terris. If you watch the clip she goes like Terrison Bursing fuck and she's looking at like off camera like I don't know what what's going on. You feel bad for her huh. I feel bad for I mean she's having a stroke correct. Not a stroke no no no. What's going on. Would you like to know. Maybe. Okay well guess what I looked that up too. Oh what happened to Serene CBS2 Learn can affect millions of women of all ages 75 percent of people who have these symptoms are women. Serene's doctor Neil Martin head of neurosurgery

at the. That's going to happen to you. Don't make. Reagan UCLA medical center says Serene suffered a severe version of a migraine in her case a complex migraine complex. It's a sign that something happened in that area of the brain. Complex is when you get come in your brain. He's telling you Oh yeah. And our job is to figure out what it was. The. Come. Picker was when she said to me well you know my mother had an episode just like this happened a few times. She got a headache. She couldn't talk. She came. The doctor says this is often hereditary but there is good news. It can resolve itself on its own and a patient only needs treatment if it happens over and over again. And in this case the fact that this happened on live TV could provide very valuable

knowledge to researchers. Well it sounded like she had a stroke. Very valuable knowledge. Jesus Christ. You've got the burping migraine. Yeah. You know what I've heard of migraines where you have vision things. We have like floating floaters. That's that's fucking horrible dude. Yeah. Yeah. It's it's pretty. I smoked a lot of weed last night. I feel like I'm talking to this woman. Yeah. Like you know when you smoke too much pot and then you can't think of the right words for stuff. FIFO. Can you relate. Yeah bitch. Look at him. Oh god. How much did you smoke. For me it's a lot. Just like a couple of hits you know. You know what I'm saying. But over the course if I do it for like three days in a row you sprinkle that dust in there

or no. Angel dust. Hell yeah. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I like. What do you really think you're going to play something more. You just touched it. No I was just closing something. So was the migraine. Did she get fired for that or. No of course not. You're fired. You had a fucking a medical malfunction. Well who knows. You know like that broad that was just reading the cue cards that something wrong. Yeah. We too. She was just doing her job. Yeah but she didn't get fired either. Oh I thought I thought that's what happened. No they fired like somebody on staff though. The cue card writer. Somebody. Yeah. Yeah. Who was like yeah I verified it. Yeah. Something wrong. We too low. And holy food. Bang ding ow. That's it is so ridiculous.

Oh yeah. That you know. I mean you get fired for that because you kind of should get fired for that right. But they're just reading the cards. Like how did you know. Not her. The people that. Oh fact checks her. Yeah the fact. You know me. I just did it. Yeah the fact checkers. And I smoked so much pot in the last few days. Yeah. You do that. And yeah. And you're like as you're reading like as you're reading it before the person on air is reading it you're reading something wrong and you got to be like hold on a second. That person obviously is a nerd and doesn't have a sense of humor. Who's the nerd. The fact checker. Like if you know they didn't fact check because the whole thing is that when they got the names then the whole thing is then you confirm. So you call

the NTSB or you call you know and you go are these. No I know but I'm saying like you get that information and someone has to type that in the teleprompter and nobody was like wait a minute. Yeah. Bang ding ow. That's kind of ridiculous. Right. Yeah. Yeah. It's you. Here we go. I think they're here. So we're on board the flight. They are captain something wrong. We too low. Holy Fook and bang ding ow. It's so ridiculous. So racist. Oh my gosh. Yeah. How insensitive. I don't like that. Insensitivity either. So that lady is okay now though. Right. The lady that said it. The migraine lady. Oh yeah. As far as I know I mean I haven't heard any more about it. Bang. I feel like that some days though.

Haven't you ever done that where you just can't talk. Yes. Sometimes it's on this show. Me too. Or during stand up. Reading copy sometimes. Sorry stand up I fucked up many thousands of times. Especially on a travel day when you're just so tired. You guys figure it out. Or if like your bit is like somewhat layered and you forget like the turn. Yeah. So then you're just like saying like shit straight up and you're like oh I forgot all the jokes for this part. Just telling you information right now. Yeah. I feel that way a lot. I brain fart a lot. Yeah. I just. Oh a very diverse. No. I got. That's how Bill Cosby used to talk. Yeah.

I want to hear her again. She it just makes me too happy. Just that park is I know that she's trying so hard. Yeah. She's really trying. Well a very very heavy heavy day. Vertation tonight. We had a very dares derisen bite. Let's go ahead. Terrorist chasing. Let's go ahead and have the pet. Virtation. Virtation sounds like it's very. Virtation Barrett tonight. We got a very just. Let's get the back in the in the fridge. Fresh. Virtation. That is a word. I think that's what happens when you burp and you vomit at the same time. It's a reputation. I don't want to like you know me. Okay. Yeah. And you know I don't want to like connect dots that aren't there.

You know that about me. You know what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying. But doesn't it she sound a little bit like when we had your dad on the show and and he was like I'm mom now. And we were like what show are you on? He was like I'm mom now my mom's house. Babe it's not my dad. And then we were like we asked your dad like what's our sponsor and your dad was like what's that. And then we asked your dad to give out our website address and your dad wouldn't it be great if we had an actual commercial for your mom's house and it was that guy. Oh it would be fucking unbelievable. Like listen to it like if we were on a radio station or something and that was our ad. Now just just listen to the comparison. Tell me if these are

similar. Yeah very very heavy heavy doing it. Virtation tonight. We had a very dares dareson bite. Let's go to Terris Chase English for the bet to have the pet. It's pretty close. There's maybe he was not drunk as people assume. And he was just having a migraine. That'd be a great defense. Oh so what you're saying. If I was his lawyer I'd be like exhibit A. Well a very diverse never front. I go she drunk. Virtation. A very very. Dirtation. So it's not the crack and the pot and the heroin. It's the migraine. I would go he's fucking fine. Everybody relax. He's got the vertation. Carl what what do you put on envelopes before you mail them. That's right.

Carl what's your favorite podcast. I'm on your mom's house. He's fine. It's good. It's good stuff. So we celebrated Easter with my father yesterday and his lady friend and it was really nice. The sirens again. There's those neat sirens. I remember living around sirens. It's always fun. It's comforting especially when when you're sleeping at night. I just love the sound of the siren and we went to a nice. What about helichopters. Oh yeah there's a lot of helichopters. So we had brunchies brunchy lunchies and what was really cool. There's like a band playing like the girls gone wild kind of music girls gone wild. What is it. You know the steel drum. Yeah. So that's always nice. It was like Marina del Rey.

We're just a bunch of nerdy white people to have like the steel drum guys and a bunch of white people dancing which is so fucking queer to me with the highlight of my lunch came when the band played. Yeah. Let it sit in for a minute. And oh god unlike the fascist that lives in my fucking house the man that created you big fan of the song. I know to my horror I look tapping his feet not in his head and singing. Yeah I look over and my dad is like red red wine. You know why you know why your dad likes a good time. He likes parties. This is a good time. I like to party party. I like a party. I can't believe he likes the song. He doesn't know the words. All he knows is the chorus. Of course like most people.

I don't know the fucking words. I just know it's top 10 song of all time is all I fucking know. That's really pretty. I think we got it now. Thank you. That was a good impression though. Really enjoyed that. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. It's a really good impression. Why don't you like you don't like me singing. I don't understand. No I liked it. I liked it. Red red wine. Oh my god. Ain't nobody got time for that. You know what part I hate the most about that red red wine. The rap part. The white guy rapping. Really beautiful. Fine. It feels so fine. Roll up the time.

That part. Yeah. Red red wine. I make a feel so fine. Try to sound like the blacks as much as we can. Yeah. The rhymes gay shit. It's like keeps me rocking all of the time. Like red red wine keeps you rocking all of the time. We are a you before we are Jamaican. We have the fun. White niggers. Oh my god. That's my new favorite sound. Can we make a short for that one. Oh my god. All right. That's true. I think that's why I hate you before because there's such posers. They're posers. Their rap blows because red red wines. Originally it is written by black people. It's like a Jamaican song. Yeah. And then some fucking white English nerds do it and they think

it's real. Yeah. And then some fucking nerdy guy raps his fucking gay raps. Yeah. You know what I'm saying. I hear you. I know what you're saying. I know what you mean. I get what you're sizzling. I put up. I pick it up. I know what you're putting up and putting down. I can't believe you don't like my singing just then. It was really good. Why don't you sing red red wine. Let me hear your rendition. Red red wine. You're doing my dad doing red red wine. Yeah. Oh OK. All of the time. All of the time. All of the time. Party party party party party party party party party. Give me the wine. Can you believe that so many people were dancing to that band though. I thought it was going to stay the like 12 10 to 12 people. And then when we by the time we finished lunch. Yeah. They were like

40 to 50 really jamming to there was super jam times. There was all kinds of people really enjoying the public band. Yeah. So I never like public music. Yeah. God I hate public music. I never I never want to hear a band while I'm eating. That's the last time I need to hear live music is when I'm trying to enjoy a meal. What's going on. He doesn't know what to do. Come on man. Come on buddy. Come on. Good boy. He's getting from the bed to Tommy's lap. He's confused. He doesn't know what's going on. Hey buddy. He's the best. We had a good time. Yeah. We partied. Did you have a boy's night last night without me. Yeah. Porn beer. We had a fun night. I bet. Yeah. I bet he smoked up all your cigarettes on. He did smoke my cigs. He drank him. He drank a lot of whiskey. I didn't

know he was a whiskey drinker. Oh yeah. And he likes his honey. Do you want a beer and he's like are you a pussy. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Hennessy. He's looking out the window now. Jesus Christ. So I pulled a clip for you. I want you to try to decode it. Okay. I don't know what is being said. So I don't know what the right answer is. Okay. I just know that it sounds pretty wacky. Pretty wacky. I just don't know what's going on. And I know that you have a real talent for decoding. How do we put this delicately. African American dialects. Okay. You know you're good at that stuff. Right. All right. I'm good at that stuff. And so that's we're kind of on the topic of gibberish. This is probably a good

thing. You know. Gibberish. Well just unintelligible stuff. You think these guys are saying unintelligible shit. It's one dude. And yeah. I don't know what the fuck is going on. All right. Here we go. What is this. God damn it. You can't find it. I got it. Here we go. Where the fuck did you get that. Listener email. Really. What's it from. Is it a movie. No. I want I think I don't know where it's from. I'm just like an interview with the guy. Okay. And he's that's that's a real person saying real things. Let's see. I got the first part of it. Are you serious. Yeah. Okay. He says that's a fine young mama. So like that's a hot chick right there. What he's saying. Wow. You got that.

Isn't that what he's saying. I don't know. Oh I thought you had the answer. No. Oh. And then there's I hope I hope she's something treat that family right. I don't know if I hope she's mine. Treat that. I can't believe you're even this far into it. I listened to this 20 times. I couldn't make out a single thing this guy's saying. Really. Yeah. Dude you're so good. I hope she's mine. I hope she's mine. Take care of badly right. I thought it was take care of family right. Take care of take care of family right. Oh maybe I take take care of your family right. There's a bad mama right here.

I think a bad mama you could take her home bang her out make a kid and she'll take care of the family. Wow. You're blowing my mind right now. You think you got all that from I don't know if I'm right. One more time. I really enjoyed the clip though. That was really neat of you to find that. I hope she's Milton Bradley. I hope she's Milton Bradley. Right. Right. This is fine. That's all I got. Mommy. If you if you have your answer send us an email your mom's podcast at gmail.com your mom's podcast at gmail.com. That's a fine mommy. Milton Bradley. Okay. Milton Bradley made toys.

Yeah I wish I had a fun toy to play with right there. I hope it's mine to get my family. There you go. He just likes Milton Bradley. He just likes to play the game of life. Shoots and ladders. Do you recall a few weeks ago we talked a bit about WrestleMania. Yeah of course. WrestleMania and a lot of you I tweeted stuff about WrestleMania. People were like I love WrestleMania. I also wear my jeans high. So WrestleMania is huge. And add to the WrestleMania. We have a former or just past wrestler.

The ultimate warrior. Yeah he just passed away I think. He was young. Heart attack. Yeah he's like 50 something. Yeah I hate hearing when young people. John Panette just died. We didn't even talk about him but he was so young too. He was 50. By the way do you know that that was his last show ever the show we were at? Are you fucking kidding me? He died the next week. Wow. We were at his last show ever. We were and everybody that was at the Hermosa Beach podcast that's what was going on next door. We were in the small room he was in the big room that was his last show ever he died.

Can you believe that? And we were just talking with him and he was like singing show tunes. And he lost like 150 pounds. Yeah he looks great. And he was so excited to start a tour and he just had pages and pages of jokes he was working out and stuff. Yeah it's really sad. It's crazy because now we're at that age we're like people are going to jail people are dying. So crazy. Happens more and more. I know and then you lose the great loss like this like a wrestler. Makes you think why God why? Why are you the ultimate warrior? Were you a fan when you were a kid or no? I don't know him. You didn't know him? I didn't know this guy. We know why not a different wrestler.

One that you didn't know. I don't care about those guys. Oh the below the border wrestlers. Yeah. Well here's an interesting thing. I guess he had not this was not released until after he passed away ultimate warrior. This was like a recorded interview that he was like I guess he knew his health was in decline. So he made this recording this interview and then it was supposed to be released after his death. Well I heard it there's some confession to this. That's what it's yeah it's a confession. Oh here it is. Vince agreed to let me go do things outside of wrestling and I had a chance to spend some time with him. He invited me to come to his place and they're all there.

Vince is there and Pat Patterson I don't know who else was there and Vince said they've got ulterior motives and then he went and got Jerry Briscoe. We went in the shower and he proceeded to have Jerry Briscoe from the backside. He was a real hard worker just a grunty style like he was grunt so I was interested to get involved and I told him what I wanted to do you know have people put around me that could erect me effectively so I could go on and be successful at it and stuff. There were plenty of guys there and it just grew so we both let one another eff it eff it eff it and they were congratulating me saying man that was awesome this is really great and late that night Linda came into the picture and I said this is unnatural you know I've just never been into any

of that stuff you know women and you know all that stuff and everything that doesn't work for me. I almost fell to my knees and just started throwing up right there and then someone told me to come and he said don't come you don't need to come and I said what do you mean don't come it's what I wanted to do and I didn't push it in their face and he said okay it was unbelievable it was a shoot and I had incredible discipline and it was magic. Next morning about 1145 Vince eventually stepped in he couldn't even walk right he stepped in and said I'm not doing this anymore we're not doing this stuff and I was really surprised that he did that like he just wanted to keep going from one thing to the next as long as somebody would stick it out I mean he

had an addiction problem and you know I would have expected more. There you go. Wow. The ultimate warriors confession to a weekend of dudes. That's so I didn't know that I'm surprised that Linda came into the picture. Yeah. I like what he goes and I said f it f it f it. And then they were like don't come and then he came all over them. It came real real hard it sounded like oh my gosh oh man it's on the extended remix of the ultimate warriors confession. It's really neat to make fun of the dead to mock them I like that. Yeah it's my favorite part. It's a good time. Oh my gosh the poor guy at least he got his dudes weekend before he passed you know. Everybody if you know it's coming you know your time is up you should have a dude weekend. When are you going to get the ice thing

what is it called the ice fire. Oh yeah the flesh light ice. Yeah you're gonna do that. When am I going to get it. Yeah. Or when am I going to use it again. Whenever I want. That's the neat one you get to see what's happening. Yeah. I don't know if I wanted to see it. Would you want to see what's happening. Yeah sure. And then see the stuff. I wonder how good that thing feels. I bet it's really great. It's got to be as popular as it is. Yeah for sure. I'm surprised there's not more sex toys for guys. Getting caught with that those got to be pretty bad right. If you're yeah if your lady doesn't know that you're into that then yeah. But I'm saying not even you're late like anybody walking in you haven't you're like hey what's up and they're like oh Jesus Christ. Yeah because

it's really elaborate. Do you remember the guy who made his video of him. Yes it's so horrific. He was like he he angled it so that like it's up in the air and he was like here's me just fucking this flashlight for you. Oh my gosh. Yeah it's really intense. It's not a modest thing. Like you really have to be okay with what you're doing. Yeah. You got to commit to that thing. But I guess I guess women's the same thing right. Using vibrators and stuff. Yeah I guess so. It's never you don't want anyone to walk in on you doing that. Oh my gosh. Do we have a friend that walked in on his wife. But it's like it's more for some reason a woman with a sex toy is socially acceptable. A guy with that sex toy is I feel like there's a there's more of a stigma. People are like oh

you're a fucking mess. Like you're a derelict. You know are you registered. Like are you a sex offender. Like that's that's how I feel. Right. It is for guys with a sex toy. Why is that. I don't I think because the assumption is like your hand should be enough or that or there's more of the assumption like you really can't get laid. Right. The girl can she's using it because it's enjoyable. The guy is a fucking desperate loser. I guess the sex toy assumption. I guess so. And because our anatomy is such that like we kind of do need a foreign object. You know. Yeah. Like because that's the that's what's going on with our sexuality. Like more sirens. He's very startled. He's like I remember this from down here. That's our other that's that's Theo's second

voice. That's around the house. Yeah. He has two voices. Okay. I'm nervous because he's such a nervous Nelly. Yeah. He's he remembers these sounds from Downey from the old days. Let me get you a sex toy. Naughty boy. Definitely. That's pretty advanced. Let's start with a flashlight. Okay. But you can put in the dishwasher. Right. The flashlight. Okay. The whole thing is you dump your clip in it and then you just rinse it right away. You can run water right through it. Yeah. You got to wash that stuff. Or you can just collect all your cum for like years. You know. Of course it's being done right now. That's got one year coming. Disgusting. Can you get some kind of infection that way?

Can you? Yeah. I'm sure you can. I don't know if an infection it's got to be disgusting to save that stuff. That is fucking foul. What happens to it after a year? It's body fluid. You know. Fluid from inside a human body. Like it's not supposed to be saved. You know what I was laughing at. We did this would you rather at the ice house. Would you rather drink a gallon of Shrek's cum or a gallon of Papa Smurf's cum. Yeah. And you were like you said Papa Smurf first. Right. Yeah. But then I was like yeah but he comes like a thimble fool every time. It would take like a year, two years to milk Papa Smurf for a gallon. Sure. I don't even know if it would take a year maybe two by the time you get that much out of

him. It's going to be coagulated and like gluey and stuff. But Shrek that's a fresh load every gallon. You're giving away or would you rather from the. That's okay. It's a sneak peek. We did several that day. Okay. But do you still think about it? No I haven't. You've been thinking about Jizz from Shrek and Papa Smurf. Yes. Really. This keeps you up. It's your first thought of the day. It's one of them. The Papa Smurf one. Like how much do you think he comes really? It's tiny. No but like. He has little blue balls. He doesn't come a lot. So what is it like a tear drop? Maybe a little more than that. How big is a Smurf? I think a Smurf is a oh remember those little little figurines as a child. But that was a representation of them right. Yeah sure. That's

supposed to be the like the real size model. Dude Smurfs are tiny. They live in mushrooms and shit. Like they're tiny. Oh yeah. Then it's probably like a tear drop. Do you want to write them a letter the Smurf people? Say how much does Papa Smurf come? I think we'll get a nice response. You know. Yeah they're Belgian Belgian property. Do you want to write it in French? French. And I'm going to show them. I think is what they're called. Do you know how to say come in French? I do not. I know one of our listeners certainly does. Guys how much do you think Papa Smurf comes really? Let's be here. Let's be real. Let's break that down. Do you think Shrek really comes a gallon? Do you think Shrek comes a gallon?

Yes sir. Yes I do. Oh here we go. Here we go. I hooked you up. With Papa Smurf? No I looked up how to say come in French. Here it is. There you go. French. That was awesome. Thank you. I've never heard that before. Well we got to get going. I wish we could tell you more but we can't. We have a mobile. This is our mobile studio. I went today because of our situation. I went and bought everything so that we could have a studio in your hotel where you're staying and I'm going to come here and do shows until you're released. And you guys will find out eventually what this is. I just can't tell you now and it'll be hopefully cool and you guys can see what I've been doing. Now top secret's all around.

Yeah. I can't say anything else. God I hope it turns out well. It's going to be great. You're going to have a good time. Let's see. Please come see me in Cleveland. Please follow us on Twitter at Tom Segura at Christina P. The Facebook fan page we've failed to mention a lot recently and it's always a good place to congregate. It is facebook.com slash your mom's house podcast. So you can go there. You can make comments. You can leave messages. You can post pictures. You can do whatever you want. The new website your mom's house podcast.com is up. It has clips. It has a whole new look. So please check it out. Please shop through our Amazon banner. And lastly and we're so excited about this. The In Grizzy shirt. Oh my life. Women's sizes.

Big guy sizes. They're all there. Please check that out. And in honor of the new Grizzy shirt we'll play you a little In Grizzy from the ghost crew. All right. Jeans up. Pull them up. I love you. Bye guys. I don't like taking pills. But I have found something that works. Australian dream. I'll spread it. But then crazy. I don't like taking pills. I'll spread it. But then nothing.

I don't like taking pills. But I have found something that works. Australian dream.