Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 224-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: May 23, 2014

Sometimes when someone screams to F**K someone Right in their P***y they are not who they seem! REJOICE, Tina is back in the Mommy Dome and her jeans are tighter than ever. Will she reveal secrets of her shoot? I don't know. Maybe.  When a LADY gets a massage do Pro men go for the gold and give her that happy ending? Let's discuss. Chuck Woolery is doing A LOT of commercials. A LOT. And they're all for old people that are falling apart. What do they each pay? 11 dollars. Tommy and Tina discuss how many more marriages they'll go thru. More than 3? That seems like too many. Maybe we should just sign a good ol' C*m dog up to hang out around the house. Sean Connery approves!  If you never saw the House of Cosby's do yourself a favor and watch them, Rudy. They are AMAZING, Theo. Eat the pudding slice!

I don't sound like that by the way Yeah, it's Friday Two more jeans pulled up all the way over your armpits My jeans are so high because I'm excited to be home finally say are you officially back now? I'm officially back at the mommy dome. I moved out of that hotel, and I'm home again I am so thrilled to be back to my life jeans. I've missed you so much Man, you were going a long time. I didn't know if you were still, you know the jeans that I wear Babe, you can't even say something like that

Well, I'm thrilled that you're home, dude I know the listeners are like, can you please get her back? We're sick of you That is not the truth We got some lie. I actually I was really concerned about the audio from Seattle But everybody told me that they they loved the Yoshi episode already so good Yeah, I can't wait to hear it and speaking of Seattle Yeah Since I could not go up there with you guys now that I am officially wrapped on this show

I was doing I will be coming to Seattle June 7th for one night only of stand-up comedy at the rendezvous theater Very naughty And before that June 6th at the Fun House in Portland, Oregon again one night only of stand-up comedy Come support your jeans. Come wear your jeans. Let's get fucking crazy. You know what? I got a lot of shit to talk. I feel like you guys are you know, come hear it. It'll be fun I got stuff to say man. Yeah, it'll be super fun. I'm so excited to stand up again I you know what I mean when you don't do it for a minute and you have all this like fucking rage inside of you

Yeah, that's why it's good to take a break, right? We're talking about it today. Yeah, take a break sometimes now I'm not so much new shit to spit son spit that shit. Yo, what about you denim? June 5th through the 8th, I'm at the Brea improv in Brea, California Yeah, I got the full charge is with me. Oh, you're lucky June 12th through the 15th San Jose easy That is not nobody calls it that at the improv there and I got denim on denim Jeff Tate again. Yep It's exciting June 26th through the 28th helium and buffalo never been a buffalo and Then let's see July go to Hartford. I'm in Ontario. I

Got Pittsburgh and Richmond coming up. I also added Sacramento I haven't added it to my schedule. I'll have that up put up immediately But yeah, a bunch of dates Tom Segura comm check those out. You know what I'm saying Yeah, dog. Yeah, so happy that you're here. Yes jeans If you would please tell us who this momma, so it is brought to us by Please visit our site your mom's house podcast calm and as always we we encourage you and we thank you for shopping through our Amazon banner, that's the regular shopping you would do on Amazon You're just doing it through our banner and when enough of you do it

We get a little something back it helps support the show. Do you know you can buy a flashlight on Amazon? I think you can buy anything on Amazon. Yeah, dick pumps breast pumps. There you go Father's Day is coming up get your dad a cock ring on Amazon Do it. He'll thank you What do you think your dad would even know what that is? No, but then when I told him he'd be like well I can't use that you use a buddy. I Know he's so he's like so nice and supportive. He wouldn't shame you about it I don't know if that's gonna fit my cock, buddy. He would not say that

It looks like a pretty small. I got a big cock. Yeah Yeah, so guys by your Father's Day gifts now, it's kind of it's just around the corner I think around the corner June 16th. Is that Father's Day? I don't know. Well June 18th is my birthday So if you guys want to go ahead and buy me some stuff, you know I need what do I want for my birthday? That's a good thing to ask. What do you want? Just love support. I want you guys to come out in Portland and Seattle to see me. They're coming. They're coming No, I mean, I you know what we're fucking grown-ups. I feel like if I need something might just go buy it

Yeah, like an adult. Yeah, like and I don't really want anything more. That's more than like $100. I don't think I'm That materialistic, you know, I I don't think you are either. You'd never we're asking for stuff ever Yeah, I kind of even when people get me expensive things I like I don't I don't know what to do with them like you've bought me fancy pants purses and I'm like, yeah I can't use it. It's too nice. Yeah, you're not into it I know I get I get like weird. Well I'm happy that you're not asking for expensive things. What do you want for your birthday last year April? Next year tomorrow five days from now. Mmm. I

Like pepper turkey Cry pepper turkey sandwiches How many? No, it doesn't it's my birthday. I could so do that. Let's go to that cupcake place with that We want to do for your smurf fuck. Yeah, my smurf day. Let's do that in a second. Let's start the show Dog Longer than anticipated to find the crack in the 64-year-old pipeline I'm standing here with Fred who says he was greatly impacted by the gushing of oil Can you tell us a little more of what you saw? I sure can I was sitting on my front porch

Grabbed a beer and fuck her right in the post back Disgusting Don't bring anyone loving to this Christina I I Yeah Guitar licks, bro, bro for my you want to go to the cupcake place for your birthday. Yeah, you know, I haven't even thought about it June 18th

I'm gonna be all dude. I'm out of town. I think I'm out of town I was supposed to do the Pittsburgh improv, but they moved the date just letting you guys They didn't let me know somebody on Twitter was like, um, I tried to buy tickets to your show and it's Just off scorn. Thanks for letting me know guys. So sorry about that. I'm gonna do it in January now It's been moved nice. I don't know dude. I think I'm fucking Definitely war Do you want like you want presents or like sure What would a what would be like interesting to you

Bro, here's here's my deal Smurf day-day. We wake up we go to we drink our coffees like we always do And then we go to the beach because you know, I love the beach And we go get some cupcakes and then we get massages and then we give each other hand jobs by the pool Handjobs. Mm-hmm. Like you want to do the the whole like really aggressive thing. Mm-hmm That's so great. Why did you have to do this own? And why'd you have to do the sound like that hand jobs? No, that's not it's not really what I want to do You know, I was just talking to some comedians female comics and they were like I've got a massage and I got like a hand job the other day and I was all what yeah, and

Was one female comic I should say and she's like, yeah, I went to this place and the guy Put me on my stomach. It's Chinese guy And I was like a Chinese guy. It's weird. They're not usually that you know forward Anyway, so he was rubbing her and then he was like rubbing her butt cheeks extra extra, you know And then like his thumbs kind of accidentally come on poked and whoop like whooped come on just kind of meowed What around the Vagine? Yeah No, I don't believe that true story and then he did he did a full fucking hand

Yeah, it was just like that and then he was like rubber boobs and stuff But he was like loving her meow like on the outside. He didn't finger-banger though. I don't know how great is that? I wonder if I could go there Call her for my birthday ask her I Guess he could do the whole like I know English. I'm sorry because sometimes the The Asian masseuses, they're not very PC about how they touch you right? Yeah, but I haven't had a full thumb in my coach yet Yeah, if you know they'll grab you. I mean sometimes they'll like you know the little jab towards your asshole You're like whoa and like, you know because it's like it's quick and like aggressive. Oh, you know, we're like, that's my asshole

Holy cow. Yeah Then once that finger gets in there, you're like, yeah, it feels all right It feels all right. I'm not complaining a finger in your bum finger in your butt butt boom boom his paper is stuck in butter Yeah, good stuff. Hey, so you know That clip we played is the same guy Fred yeah from another clip that we've played before Very very unusual the three victims were part of a six is the different fucker right in the pussy. Oh My goodness and I'll be obviously somebody has interfered with Laura Ingalls live shot grabbing her mic and running We apologize for the profanity which he also

Said on our air. So it turns out This is all a hoax. What? Well, this is according to Gokar. They said Cincinnati man his face disguised by a beard sunglass as a hoodie is now wandered into at least two different local newscasts Grabbing the mic and screaming fuck her right in the pussy Except that he hasn't his videos are terrible viral hoaxes and you should ignore them until they go away Mediate spotted a Slew of its inconsistencies in the videos the filming locations aren't in Cincinnati

The reporters don't work for the station's pictured and one of the voiceovers is actually Megan Kelly I don't know who I mean shouldn't you tell us who that is all right? And they trace the videos to a guy named John Kane you remember you may remember Kane for the video that started all of this Showing a young reporter who didn't realize he was on the air He was talking about a missing girl the reporter claims he'd you guessed it fucked her right in the You guessed it. There's him. Oh, I don't care if she's 20. How I'd fuck her. You can't say you wouldn't fuck her Maybe that's what I'll do when they find her. I'll go and fuck her Fuck her right in a pussy

All right. Well, we definitely apologize for that editing error in that story We are gonna switch gears now to the prospect of peace talk So it turns out that video was fake and the reporter who supposedly got fired was Kane So he did that as a joke that wasn't in a real newscast But he had it edited to look like it was it was just a a joke video But the hoax was discovered too late in the footage spread online And of course now it's on YouTube and all these clips now Kane is recycling the same ass nine catchphrase In the attempt to force the newsbombing character as Fred of Fred as a meme so he can sell t-shirts as if it's

2008 it'll probably work too at least to some extent his previous videos have each scored One and a half million views and his new one is already a hit on reddit. So it looks like so funny. Let's see Yes, I love she like that. He is a He's on fucker in her pussy Facebook and he's the fucker right in her pussy guy. It's what he's known as now Yeah, I love anything juvenile like that. It's just like praying. We're not above it All right, well, we definitely apologize So good. Yeah

Yeah Remember that guy from death squad that used to call he called TMZ one time and he did where the dudes at remember He talked to yeah, yeah, yeah, it's that guy to Harvey and was like where the dudes at that's the quad where the dudes monkey Todd Yeah He got he got Harvey. Yeah on that. Yeah This is an interview with the guy Hey everyone, I'm John with John Kane TV and I'm standing here with the fucker right in the pussy guy Like it's official. Yeah, that's the guy that got

Fired or that made that video the guy who just said I'm John with John Kane TV That's the guy and then the fucker right in the pussy guy is the guy that he obviously Like, you know gets to do this this guy needs to have his own TV show Why are we wasting time with the garbage is on television? I can watch this guy's prank show all day Let's see what he says drinking a beer and I saw a lot of Twitter people saying oh We got to find this guy and drink a beer with them. Well, here he is. This is the original fucker right in the pussy guy How are you doing? I'm doing great the fucker right in the pussy phrase has gotten so big In fact, it's so big. They're selling t-shirts. How do you how do you feel about that? You're on t-shirts. I

Like it. You should get one. I should get one. Yeah, I get one for free. Oh, absolutely I'm all for free. Hey, Jeff. So what is your real name? My name's Fred So tell us how you came up with the idea to say fuck the right and pussy. Well, what was happening? How did it inspire me? I mean, I've seen your video About that Yeah, this is this really is a t-shirt pitch. That's the funny thing. He's like that's too bad Yeah, cuz like I I like it. It's art for art's sake. Right. I like art for art's sake. Come on guys This guy just wants to make money selling shirts. That's not fair. Yeah

I mean who in the fuck just makes money selling shirts Right, I mean or Chuck Woolery. It's not Chuck That's a different I still haven't got my own it in greasy shirt PS either of I saw a few in Cincinnati They look fantastic didn't greasy. This is so rat. You can still get them They're at your mom's house podcast Dot-com They are really fucking dope shirts. Can I tell you my prediction for Chuck Woolery? I think he's gonna have a renaissance because of his lunacy

Like I feel like he's making a comeback. Yeah, like Alan thick has a reality show. Have you seen it? No It's called like thicker than thicker. You know, yeah, it's called like thicker Thicker just as him in his like Suppose supposedly like trophy wife, but she's kind of old now and his other son the son no one's interested in Mm-hmm, and it's like one of the so it's so fake now reality shows But the episode is like he was supposed to do a viagra type of product endorsement and he's like, oh, I don't know I'm a family guy. All right, okay. All right, sir Sure, sir

sure Let's see what Chuck is. Here's what Chuck is tweeting right now. Please This is two hours ago. Chuck Woolery says Obama should come out on one of his many Pressors and announce that he will give cover to any whistleblower with the VA period. We care That's what he's doing right now. The fuck is he talking about? I don't know Two words that hashtag Socialists and hashtag communists and hashtag liberals can't stand and don't understand competition and incentive. I know there are more

Okay, oh boy Let's see if we got hold on. I got something for you. I think this might be it Skin has two types of nerves that sounds injury Type C nerves that cause itching burning pain stinging and inflammation. He has a new Other product now you kidding me. No, I swear to God and burn. I swear to God. I agree. Damn it Yeah, it's all it's called trichome He's really got hitting the barrel bottom. How do they just hit him up for that? I don't understand The star of love connection. Yeah, why is he the guy?

I don't know. I guess cuz he's older now and maybe because what is Australian dream for is it for piles or is it Is it for I think it's I Think that's arthritis. Yeah, so he's old. So now he's like the old hot guy. Yeah, you know, there's not many in his category Yeah, that's true. So he's like I'll I'll be that dude. I'll slang Australian dream Yeah, yeah, and he's oh man But fuck I really I Really wish that I could find this ad it was so good

He's like, you know, you're something else. I gotta tell you about It's wrong. Try home. It's great. It's not as itchy as other stuff No, no, no, it's not a dream. It's another thing that I'm doing now and you know bad breath I'm bad breath. It's one thing I can't see on this bad breath. Yeah I think he's from the old school of hosting where you don't really act like yourself Where it was like back in the day where you really had to put on the air Yeah, like a hot like Pat Pat's a jack type of shit Yeah, that's why you can't be normal because that's how he learned to host

Like so that's him attempting to be a person, but he just doesn't know how to be like a normal person Reads the copy for Australian view. Oh my god Apparently Dana Gould is a huge fan of the Australian dream Australia Australia uses it. Yeah. No, he he Tweeted me. He's like, I hear you guys make fun of Chuck Woolery to on your show. Oh, that's awesome We should get together. So hopefully I'll have Dana on our show very soon to talk about The ridiculousness of all the hours of bad breath. We're in breath I'm Chuck Woolery

Somebody said this is a Chuck Woolery. No, this can't be it What are you looking for? I wanted to look for more Chuck Woolery ads. I'm Chuck Woolery My mother loved Chuck Woolery. I tell you my mother is an absolute beast of a human being But when love connection was on boy She just had the biggest crush on him and I think he soothed her So she would just lay down in the couch and watch two episodes back to back two and two two and two It would be back in But yeah, that's the length of the commercial was two and two. Yeah, he does he doesn't ask for smart mouth

Tricolm smart and Australian dream. It's smart mouth. It sounds disgusting Is he here Let's be idea the hunts smart mouth. Let's see That's brand back the big idea. You may think that to go for your American dream You've got everything in your life kind of lined up just perfect I've worked that way for some people But there is certainly another road to that dream when everything is all messed up when life's a total crisis That is actually the perfect time for your dream because as sure as I'm sitting here

You can be saved by a big idea like my next guest woman thought she had a law that she was a terrible car wreck couldn't work What does that look like? Dr. Suzanne Cohn co-founder of smart mouth company. How you doing great? It's so good to be here great to have you such an inspirational story. Thank you. Let's start it with 1991 you're 1991 you're a dentist Yeah, things are going great. Yeah, I'm sure you have a great practice. I did and One day tell me about the day to change your life. I don't want to hear about that. I want Chuck Rory to say bad breath Well smart mouth is like a mouthwash or something that lasts for 48 hours So you don't have to brush your teeth out for 48 hours

I mean brushing your teeth. It's so hard. He wants to brush their teeth every day twice Is it that much of a hassle to brush your teeth? I mean Now I'm here to talk to you about catheters, let me tell you what Over the years. I've been a part of some life-changing moments. That's it This is another ad And I'd like to continue by telling you about medical direct clubs virtually pain-free catheters Now try them with a three for free sample pack to see which one's best for you You put them right in your dickhole

The self lubricating oh Stylet, oh pocket cats didn't greasy all for free It makes everything so much smoother so much easier. Oh That strips the doctor less infections, you know Medicare Less infections doesn't need to be brawl less infections for these virtually pain-free catheters at little or no cost to you Yeah, and if our catheters aren't virtually pain-free then we'll pick them up for free virtually You won't know until you try them call now to get your three for free sample pack Call toll free one eight hundred two four four one two five. He does a ton of these how?

Okay, how awful is your career if you have to be doing catheter ads? Yeah, why doesn't he have more money? He should have a ton of money, you know We were talking about this today when we were walking remember we're like Is old outdated kind of like some people talk about us seniors, but I'll tell you Patriotism is never outdated and neither is this You know our great country was built on this document and many in Washington and AARP Seemed to ignore it by supporting the health care law higher taxes and gun control. I hope he's just I mean I hope he's just raking. He's doing everything

Do you think these things just don't pay as much and that's why he does a ton of them? Yes, so they're like yeah I know you did for like a real celebrity be like a million dollars, but we got 11,000 you want to do it Yes, so he's doing quantity. What we're saying today is that you and I when our careers do dry up, you know Hopefully you have enough of a fan base that you can just go on the road and make your money doing live shows But Chuck Woolery is just a professional host like yeah, we were talking about that today with like actors Yeah, because if you're an actor and You're you know, you could be working and like everything's good. You're getting let's say let's say you're not even this One of the few main leads, but you're on every episode and you're on a network show

You're making 25 grand an episode. You're like, I'm fucking good. You are yeah until that show is over Yeah, like shit. I've been living like I make 25 grand a week And it's all gone now and you've got that mortgage on that big-ass house. You just bought yeah You didn't think the show get canceled. Yeah, it's pretty crazy, right? That's what Chuck's got doesn't he have syndication money from like love connection or I don't know what other shitty shows. He's hosted I have no idea. Fuck. That's a nightmare. Mm-hmm. What's his personal life? Is he married Chuck Woolery? I think he's remarried. Yeah Yeah Catheters the catheter you put in your p-hole, right? It's a bag. Mm-hmm

Yeah, you ever had a catheter in your wiener. Yeah, shut up Horrible when when I was in the hospital when I overdosed And guess what a nurse tripped on it as it was in me like half pulled out. Oh I screamed oh, and they're like that's not supposed to happen. Sorry. I go. I know shit. It doesn't make me feel any better You're kidding. Yeah, it was horrific. They do that. So you don't have to get up and go potty Yeah, well you I couldn't for a while, you know, so that's why That's so here's Chuck Woolery's Wikipedia just so you know, he looks great. God day 73. He looks great. He does look great

So this motherfucker has been a game show host. Oh, he's a born-again Christian Republican. He's had four wives Joanne Plug but plug She's dead. Okay. So so listen, this is he was the original host of Wheel of Fortune From seven nineteen seventy five to eighty one the original incarnation of love connection from eighty three to ninety four Can you wrap your head around how many episodes that is? Yeah, dude You stack checks for over ten years on love and scrabble from 1984 to 1990 He hosted lingo on game show network

2002-2007 and then he has to think like a cat on GSN. I mean You got to be shitting me. Yeah boy. I I think he definitely See according to celebrity net worth, he's worth 15 million, right, right? He should be Right done so many like major major. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why is he slaying in? Diccream or catheters? I mean, I don't know divorced or something or goddamn. He did something you got divorced fucking Yeah, there you go, it's always the bitches bitches you can't trust these hoes man. I trust them hoes like with Sterling You cannot try bitches will take your money. Yeah, what's the jeopardy's hosting? Alex Trebek. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm that guy's got to be stacking and he has been

He has been hosting that I think the whole time right talk about a sweet gig What is yeah, I mean all he's doing is reading cards. Yeah, his net worth is 45 million right and he has an annual salary of 10 million, right? Wow, do you realize what a gem of a Hosting gig that it like Trebek his whole thing is that he doesn't have to have a personality in fact him having a personality Did they take away from the nature of jeopardy, right? This fool all he does is really supposed to blend into the background Yeah, he's not supposed to be like

charismatic at all He's 73 And he has had one two on two spouses How many spouses do you think you'll have I don't think I don't think I would ever go more than three no way Why get married again after three? Yeah, I mean, I feel like you and I you know and then like the next one will probably be like Like a good one a good run like a sustainable run and that third one will be when I'm like, you know, I'm done with this shit I think your third one what you should do is what that guy did with Anna Nicole Smith

Like you've got your stacks and you're just you're on your way out of life Like you see the light God's calling you and you're like, I'm just gonna get some like blonde hoe To juggle my nuts for the last last run and you know what you do with those Lobber on my nuts for the last I know I know a couple of these in real life Some of them are like let's have a slobber nuts agreement and they pay for the agreement. It's basically yes Yes, a high-end prostitute. What you do is you're like, we're gonna get married because I'd like to be married and Like, you know, you'll take you know, well, you'll be my companion. Can you tolerate like banging me cool? Yeah, and then you go like, you know, you tolerate my penis inside of yeah

If you're Alex Trebek, you're like I'm worth 50 million dollars. Yeah, I'm not gonna leave that to you Like you're gonna be my my cum dog, but I'm not gonna leave But come dog. Yeah, but what I forgot about the cum dog. Yeah, of course shit the cum dogs very very important So but what I'll do is I will give you five million So I'm gonna be dead in a few years you get five million dollars and that should be enough and Anna Nicole I think that their arrangement was something like that and then that fucking he died and left her like 500 million But they all knew that he was not of sound mind

Yeah, and then she's a greedy piece of dead now dead human shit But she was going after the family and the kids and I like just let why don't you just be reasonable be reasonable bitch Take take five million and give the rest to the rightful like yeah I know it's wrong with you if she probably just would have been like look just give me like a little piece of that Yeah, then it probably would have been fun, but she was like no I should get like I blew this old man for a year I blew his 90 year old dick six times and I want five hundred million dollars. Well, you're an asshole How can you I really don't how do people get like that? How do you do that in right conscience like how do you and I'm not I'm not saying I'm a super super moral. Yeah, I'm a pretty decent person. I

Just can't I cannot fathom doing that to somebody. Yeah. Yeah making that arrangement. I couldn't do it either Fucking do it. How do you do it? I felt guilty when I got a free coffee, right? Seriously, right, I can't do that. I would never do that. Can you tell that story on the show? Yeah, sure. I got I got a Like don't say where the no, I know I got an official police department hat and I wore it because I wear hats Especially when I go on a road trip my the last thing I grab before I leave the house is a hat. I like it. It's comfortable I like it. I like it on the plane because I like to tip the brim down and cover my eyes

Yes to isolate yourself from the rest of the a-holes on the plane that too And but also like I I can't sleep without a hat on a plane So it's my primary thing and then every day when I'm killing time if I go out I have my hat on It's just like my standard thing. It's a funny though. I don't wear them as much home, but I wear them on the road but anyways, I Just went to a Starbucks and I had on this police hat. I'm sorry what? Aware a bar stocks. Thank you and I had on this police department hat and the Lady behind the counter was like, what would you like? And I think I said like so I latte, you know, whatever and she's like, okay

And then I was like, oh ring up my friend. He ordered something and then she charged like two dollars and I was like You didn't You didn't charge me the whole thing. I got another thing and she was like, oh, no We appreciate your service As a police officer and I was like, you know what I did. Oh Okay Yeah, I got that thing where I think I had already been like, yeah Acted like it was my hat and then I go like oh, I didn't want to be like, oh, no

I got it from a thing a guy gave you know, so I just accepted But then I felt super guilty and I was sitting there and I was like I I can't so I went back and I tipped like five six dollars For a coffee and she was like, oh my god. I go. No, thank you. I appreciate you because I felt bad I feel like I so if it was five hundred million I don't think I could do it. I don't think I could either. I don't think I could Just make that barter with my body and my love and my sexual like that now on the other hand On the other hand if I were to find a bag of money on the street Do you think I would give it to the police? Fuck no

I would take it home and I would spend it very slowly over the next Like it's a hundred eighty five thousand dollars. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not gonna turn that in interesting crazy. Why? Yeah, I spend it. Yeah, don't be stupid. It's free money. God wants you to have that money That's why he put it in a bag in front of you on the street. Yeah, it's the world saying take this money Yeah, yeah, I don't when I find money on the floor. I take it fine. I found 20s I just take it. I found a hundred dollars next to a guy Like next to his shoe because he was staying there. I just picked it up a long Yeah, I would tell I would totally yeah

100 bucks I might do the same thing it but it was it clearly his like did you have a clear cause and effect? I mean, I could see how good the line could be drawn from his pocket to where it was But I could also see that it could have been somebody else's I Dropped the 20 I know I dropped it and somebody likes It just would have been weird at the moment to claim it was mine like somebody goes

Oh, did you drop it to somebody else and the other person said? Oh, maybe. Oh, yeah And I know that I always like the way that I put cash in my pocket that I pulled it out And I just let the person have the 20 even though I like convinced it was mine Cuz that's the thing is if you were to be like is this your hundred dollar bill what it's gonna be like No, it's not You know, yeah, of course, it's mine. Thank you When I get back I should point out I was 18 when they say hey, it's just take the money

Also when I get incorrect change when someone gives me too much, I'll take that. I'll just take it Yeah, I figure I've been jacked by them a few times like you get jacked and then you know You get your money back to get your money back. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, you forgot that Chuck will real guys they need come dogs when they get to a certain age That's how you should go out for the come dog. I think I mean if you can't have a loving Wife relationship even with that. Why wouldn't you're old get a come dog? Give me my reward, I want to see all the come on my face I can't wake it up. Oh, yeah, make sure it's a lot. I want a lot of come

Yeah Thank you Thank you, that's the thing is the come dog is always appreciative Yeah, here's the problem with come dogs Here's the problem with come dogs as we've learned with with Sterling and Cantress the house the problem with the come dog is that by nature These girls are how do you say? Paces of shit. They are bad

People they are immoral people and guess what immoral people do bad shit to you too. They turn on you Yeah, yeah, you're fucked. They record your private conversations. That girl's the worst sort you for money Yeah, I take your shit man, you're supposed to be yeah, but you're not not because they're guess what they're greedy Lying sacks of shit. That's true. Can't trust these hoes man. That's my Uber driver Can't trust these hoes man. I broke the story to him the Sterling story. Yeah, what's this shit? I'm hearing about that. I laid it all out for him and I was like, yeah I didn't he's a black guy. I laid out like all the racist shit. He was like Can't trust these hoes man. I'm like you're mad about the hoe. He's like, yeah, man, you know, you can't trust these hoes

Yeah, you knew it. He knew. Yeah Hmm Don't get a come dog Tom. I'm gonna be here. Oh, I know I'm talking like yeah, but I'm your come dog I mean, that's why we get married to them. I'm I eat all the comp. Not somebody else In the you eat all the cum. All right. I'm talking about my 70s I'm like, oh, and you're like, I need to change my catheter Let's have this come dog over here do it How depressing

How depressing is that I get no I'm starting to see it more like, you know, like you talked to like some of us are you know, your friends and their parents They're like, oh, yeah, my Dad can't walk anymore. Oh God You know, that's just that's just a little further down the line all that shit, you know I'm just I'm so thankful that my father's in good health. Mm-hmm. I'm just I pray every day I like just keep him healthy. You just got to appreciate it for when it lasts because it goes away. I Know dude, yeah, it does. It's so fucking scary even like in my age now in the 37 like

working on the show every day all like 14 hour days six days. I I could have done this 10 years ago and not felt as horrific as I do I'm sick. I'm broken down. It makes me want to take better care of myself now. Yeah Yeah, like seeing people break down. I go. I need to take better care of myself me too because then you start to realize like Oh, you're just a biological being and by biological things just break down naturally over time Yes to take care of that shit, right? Yeah Fuck Hey, when can you talk about your show? When does that airs? That's when you have to wait till I think so

I mean, we're still filming. We're not I know. I'm just wondering Yeah, I mean, yeah, I'm not supposed I don't know I'd be afraid. No, I'm not asking you to do it right now I'm saying like not even like when the when they're airing ads like the week before like you can't talk about it then you should find out. They're okay. I Yeah, I find out right and find out. Yeah. Oh Here's a clip from your show you fucking pussies Actually fucking wine about me quitting the game that you fucking bullied me off of What were you thinking like when you guys shot that? Well, I think that scene was filmed early in the morning

I was really grumpy. Yeah craft services and brought the kind of coffee that I requested with the hazel mint creamer I could hear it. I could feel yeah That was really good. You fucking attack me you bully me off the game Then it's why boo-hoo. She just deleted her account Mmm, so crazy that people respond to internet haters. Yeah That's really good Oh My god

I'm just glad of you. I can't wait to unpack and do my launderers my laundries and Lose like 20 pounds that I gained on this fucking you did not gain 20 pounds Yeah, I'm fatter than ever and I'm sure I'm gonna hear shit on it about it, too You know when you're like, you know, and you want to be like, oh man, I'm gonna hear how fat and old I look You're not shit I noticed I did feel that way though as soon as I saw the first cut of my special. Yeah, I was like, ah shit so fast At least I address it I feel like you got to address

Whatever you feel like your major physical flaws are yeah, you know, I got you got to do it If you're fucking if you're a dude and you're five feet tall, you gotta be like, I'm short of shit It's getting out of the way. Yeah. Yeah, you gotta do it. Well, I mean what I've learned listening to who's I listen to? Oh, like some dr. Phil book. I was reading. He's like if you know what your weaknesses are then people don't have ammunition against you It's true. Yeah, so if you're like, yeah, I get it. I'm fucking them about 20 pounds Over what would look good? Yeah on my fat fucking body Look old absolutely. I haven't slept much the last month. I look like shit. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I get it But you know what my teeth look amazing. You have amazing teeth. I just bought these bitches. They look great

And your sense of like What you think is your flaw is never like for you I'm saying for anybody who has it about themselves. It's their fixation. Yeah, and it's always Greater than the outside world perceives. Yes, you know, yes, and also I'm very self-conscious and narcissistic You know, it's it's the product of having a mentally ill mom where you think everything does revolve around you Yeah, because it kind of did when I was a kid because she would be like obsessed with me and pick it on me So I'm like everybody's out to get me like not really. Yeah Was I gonna say? Oh

Fuck we're talking about Tim. Oh, we're talking about the house of Cosby's last night. Oh, yeah Do you guys would we talk about that on the show ever? I don't think so. It's brilliant though. It is really brilliant So House of Cosby's is this animated short thing. How many episodes did these guys do remember how many they made? I can look it up. Let's see, but it's brilliant. It came out in like oh eight or something I was seven. Oh, I feel like even before then. Oh for real? Yeah, we were we just started dating or we know we were living in Here we go. Oh Here's the story on it. Oh by the way the guy Created by Justin Rowland is his name Royland, excuse me

Animated cartoon about a Bill Cosby fan cloning Cosby's Four episodes were made and it first aired on the internet channel channel 101 Man, it was in the it was it spent three consecutive months at the number one spot Yeah, it's the funniest shit ever and the original run was 2005 Okay, so the best part about House of Cosby's is that Bill Cosby's people found out about it and Proceeded to sue the shit out of them, right? Yeah It was taken down for like a while. Here's the here's it so I guess

Dan Harmon ran that site from you know the guy that created community and stuff So it was canceled when Justin Royland and Dan Harmon received a cease and desist letter from Cosby's attorney Here is here is the one you want to hear the letter. I love it. Yeah dear sirs We are lawyers for mr. William H. Cosby Jr. William Cosby William we have just learned that you offer a deeply offensive That you created entitled House of Cosby's as you are certainly aware None of you are licensed in any way or in any way authorized to use mr. Cosby's voice Name or likeness therefore we demand that you immediately cease and desist from any of our clients name voice and likeness

Including the development and distribution of the House of Cosby's series I Guess they people don't understand how funny this is you have to watch we should put a link up Yes, and I just learned how to do that to put our videos, so I'll be posting okay Hold on so just so that people know how fucking hysterical I'll pull up Just a clip of how how the Cosby's actually talk This was I think when I first saw this I watched this probably a hundred times for easily yeah

For like I don't know a month or something. It was ridiculous We would we would watch it last night together and laughed. Yeah, this is years have gone by since this came out Shit internet Just took a shit What the shit took a shit Oh Don't you hate that we don't have the fiber optic

Super speed internet. Yeah, so here's how's the Cosby Okay, the opening song and then Please a house of cause listen to how the Cosby's talk All right, it's done. I'd lock the basement no more Cosby's well Theo Sometimes you just have to try your best I feel terrible this is all started because I wanted a Cosby of my own to entertain me and tell me Cosby jokes all the time No, I wanted more I couldn't be happy with just one Cosby had to have two I'm gonna realize the Cosby too really wanted to Help me pick up around the house

I figured maybe the next Cosby's might have some sort of specialty as well Like you know doing the dishes or massage. I don't know the I feel like the audio and those aren't not good Yeah, can you play the the very first? Yeah, that's the one where she's she finds the little Cosby in the pet store Oh, that's a different one. It's not the same. It's the same creators, but it's not part of the It's not the the let's see house That's what KO so they had so what they had to do is I Guess what they said back to Bill caught. I'm sorry William H Cosby was that it's parody and then they changed the spelling of Cosby to KOSB

To make it satire right right could you imagine getting that letter from Cosby's Attorney, how hard would you S in your pants? I would I would be like my heart would be pounding out of my chest. I'd be freaking that's a no shit fucking Yeah, you better see synthesis that's Bill Cosby coming after you Yeah, right. Yeah, how much money does Bill Cosby have like more than you that's the answer every time More than you'll ever ever have do yeah, that's he has an absolute shit load of Cosby's Oh What is whole everything that I'm going to won't load I'm trying to pull it up, and it won't load

Hi, thief Theo's here Theo That Rudy is trying to pull up. Oh my god Do you know it's so silly like it all makes sense now Of course, we named our dog Theo because you and I when we first started dating we were in the house of Cosby's Yeah, and it became like the running joke in our home. Oh, hello Fifa la Theo got groomed today, and he looks so handsome. He's so soft Happy foe, what's Fifa doing today?

Damn Hi, Theo. What are you doing cut my shit up? What do you mean? Oh, I had my buff my buff manicure you guys cut my shit Trim my hair you look I think you look great like a bitch. You don't like your haircut. No Okay, well, how would you like to look first of all I was gonna braid my beard Braid your beard. Yeah, I saw a couple crimps that had a tight braid on the beard I was gonna do the same shit then that bitch you put me at she cut me I look like a motherfucking boy scout right now. I hate this shit

Did did you like the bandana she put around your neck when she sent you home? No I didn't like that shit either Were you at least nice to the groomer? I told her eat my dog ass Theo Did she express your anal glands like I wanted? Yes, she expressed and then I jizzed all over the fucking room Okay, what are you talking about Theo? Fuck do you think I'm talking about you jizzed at the groomer Yeah, I said a little bit more a little bit more than I actually they made a mess. It is so disgusting

So gross, you know, I wish you would just behave when you go the groomer. Oh Yeah, how's it been staying here with just you and dad these last few weeks shit's cool. What you going? It's the best. Oh Really, it's the best. Yeah, it's like, you know, we get to do our thing We we get bitches coming over we drink beer he puts beer in my bowl You know, I mean, we do we do have a good fucking time and I've been able to collect bets without you fucking give me shit Okay I didn't know that Tom puts beer in your bowl. I don't think that's appropriate every night every night

I only can six of them. Okay. And what about these bitches like what about them? It's just you or Tom to me Tom to I was a bitch too Okay, talking about there's a bass at hand down the block and there's a retriever Them hoes come over I hold this shit down Right, you've been collecting bets. Is that right? Yeah people owe me money What are they betting on we think we're in fucking white-ass neighborhood hockey Playoffs, you know, oh, is it a playoff? I didn't even know that. Yeah

How much have you made enough for you not to fucking ask me questions Okay, mind your business. Okay. Oh, thanks, Theo Um, I gotta go. I love you. Whatever He's just His attitude is just so bad. I don't like that. He talks like that I don't either Jump around you see and I eat the wooden slice. Yes, sir. Mr. Cosby. I understand so what happened was After they got the season the sis letter

they made a Clear like they made a an episode where it was out of the is out of the series of the original series house of Cosby's like It's this is like a one-off, but they make fun of the fact basically that they They make it clear that they're doing satire and this is a parody and it's pretty funny the way they set it up Excuse me. What is that? Oh, that's a Cosby. Come on, Theo Oh, so it's like a little creature that resembles Bill Cosby But you guys fell it with a K and two E's or something No, it's a tiny version of Bill Cosby the public figure. Is that legal? It's satire. Look, he's $50 if you want him

If not, I got litter boxes to clean. Of course. I want him. He's adorable There are two very important rules to owning a Cosby Never get him wet and never feed him after midnight. Like in gremlins. Like in a satire of gremlins Theo, Rudy! Theo, Rudy. That's me. Rudy. Theo, you see. I am having a fabulous time, Rudy. More Cosby's! So here's all these Cosby's now Can I tell you the best thing about the original House of Cosby's? What's that Tom? There's a list of who all the Who all the number and which Cosby it is

Like in other words, number one is entertainment Cosby. Oh my god. Number two is housekeeping Cosby Number three is moral support Cosby Number four is tattletail Cosby Then dancing Cosby, bathtub Cosby, useless Cosby, Curiosity Cosby, butt naked Cosby, data analysis Cosby Then carpentry, weapons, country, mood swing Cosby BCD2 Then there's Cosby yet preacher Cosby, toothpaste Cosby

Frequency Cosby, April Fools Cosby, hummingbird Cosby and evil Cosby It's so brilliant. Yeah, it's really good. You gotta learn another man take a bath. That's the best one. Yeah, it's pretty It's really Really really funny. Holy shit. I don't like the Cosby show. I miss it. Yeah He's super old now. How old is Bill Cosby? He's like a thousand like a thousand. I mean here. I have a clip of him But one organization hasn't forgotten Generation America You want to know what they believe? No. Well, it's written right here

Generation America also offers tremendous money saving benefits to seniors like you and me Savings on home and auto insurance savings on prescriptions plus discounts on travel and more God, it's so depressing. They're also taking our voices to washington reminding them that this document is the rule of the land Join Generation America for 24 dollars. Generation America. Maltier members ships are as low as 1440 per year Join online to receive a free pocket constitution Join Generation America on the right side for seniors Um Cosby 76 Wow, so old

Just so old Just so old. He's old. He's old Um, so he's gonna be 77 in two months. Oh bill Cosby I just love him so much Yeah, he's fantastic I want to give a shout out to scott travis for um giving this to tommy. This yeah, he gave me that in uh in seattle This is so amazing. It's a zine. It's like from the 90s. Yeah, and it's called small feelings and It's like this cute little weeble wobble character and it's just him with his his peener out

It's this little guy pissing and then it's like a double a dp with like this little weeble wobble And it just shows like dicks and sperm And pooping and pee like one is pooping into another one's mouth. It's so amazing Make sure to read his uh his url. It's so funny. It's shitting into one sitting into a mouth And uh coming hard in the other one's mouth. Holy shit scott travis. Is that right? Yeah, you can go to uh scott travis art.com It's so funny. Hmm. It really spoke to me. I saw it and I was like, oh, I just Scott with two t's travis art.com. Yeah, it's really good. I love it's so funny. It's so juvenile Hey, we were talking about um

The uh, you know when you're an actor and your show ends. Yeah, michael jase is an actor who killed his wife Uh after like he had some he was on a bunch of shows. He was on Like 90 episodes of the shield god damn and um He got into some financial problems I mean, I'm not saying that's the only reason why but then he killed his wife Yesterday, I think but since a tornado devastated the city of mor the twister cut a 17 mile path 24 people died including seven children Blue band doesn't know what he's

But here's the thing. What did she do? I mean, maybe she was annoying. Do we know what she was doing to him? Um, yeah, I think that it said like she's super annoying She wouldn't make him sandwiches when he wanted. Yeah Is under arrest this morning facing a murder charge in the shooting of his wife jace is best known for his tv roles in the shield and southland His wife was found in their home last night shot several times. She's a student jace is cooperating Wow How do actors freak out like that? Um lives are so chill

Wow Man What do you think it would take for you to murder me? Um, I don't know like if you were like Uh, if I said like, you know, it's the window open And then you're like, no, it's closed and I'd be like, we'll open it and you're like, I like it close like that And how would you kill me? No, I would

Throw something at you. That's heavy I would have we talked about this before how how we would murder each other. Yeah He did he killed her in front of his children. Oh, that's nice Do you think that'll leave emotional scars? No No What's wrong with you? I mean, it's like grow up Yeah, every who hasn't seen their mom murdered in front of them. Um records show jace filed for bankruptcy protection in march 2011 listing debts between 500 000 a million

Much of the debt appeared to be related to his home, which he owed more than it was worth Uh, uh, he owed more on than it was worth any and more than 22 000. He owed in state and federal income taxes More than 20 000 of his tax with delinquency was owed to the state of california Uh, she was a financial aid counselor at beawell a university Wow Jesus, I wonder like but they cite that as a reason like he killed her because no, they're just saying I think they're just Associating the mean the stress of being. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but I mean damn like how do you not have money after doing 90 Fucking, I mean, Jesus Christ. Well, we know how that happened

What happens is you get you get greedy and you think the train's gonna keep running and then you buy a house you overextend yourself and then You're shit. You're like, oops. I just bought a five million dollar house. I only have a million Or whatever the heck. Yeah Can I tell you that's like it's so pointless the what why why buy the big house? Why do all like who gives a shit, man? Yeah It just ends up ruining your life if you're not careful I know a couple people that like when they start they um made good money

I can't say who they are but like a couple That um ended up just paying cash for things just so they didn't have that bill later. It's a great idea I think the key if you do make a ton of money in chubbiz is just sock it away, dude Like that first year just earn sock your money away. And then when you're of right mind You can be like, okay, here's how much we have like let's try to Do something Because what do you need? What do you really fucking need? You know you need and you should have a nice car because you were in LA and you drive a lot

You have a house that's comfortable to live in And other than that, what the fuck do you need man? Hello choppers? Hello choppers. I need a private jet drivers a chauffeur Chefs multiple ships. I would love a chef that a chef in a masseuse Yeah, it's very possible a come dog. Yeah, I come there you get now you're thinking now you're thinking now you're thinking I don't like the vanilla because it makes me a little gross creep. They are real Sometimes I have to put the pudding in my mouth to get strong

I search for mysteries in a hat. You see the flag they made it wasn't even real. You see deal Okay, little cosby's time for bed. We have a big day tomorrow I'm gonna share you with all the neighborhood kids and they're gonna play with you because you're adorable and funny And you'd never hurt anyone Rudy. Can you give us poody? No pudding tonight? It's too late The cosby's just my pudding all the time Rudy can we got poody? I like when they right now she turns the lights off you're not supposed to feed them And they wake up and they this is my favorite part of this whole series

Is they wake up next to her and then they say their lines I love you bill cosby. Good night. Theo my dear Rudy All right, we're gonna wake up here Theo pudding Theo pudding Theo, what does he say? Theo pudding Pudding Theo Puddy Theo pudding Pudding Theo pudding

That's our dog. I know who knew years later. We would have a dog named Theo because probably of our love house of Cosby's Pretty crazy. You're right. I never thought of that All right Let's take the dog for a walk. I think he has to poop. You're right. He probably doesn't have to poop Let's let him poop. We'll see if he can collect on his bets when we're around too. Um, yeah I'm so glad your back jeans. I know all the little jeans are too Oh, I'm I'm just thrilled to be back home. I missed you guys I missed your mom's house and I look forward to going full steam ahead

I'm so glad my next two dates are in california. I can't even tell you me both son Where's your wait? You're both in you're not in california No, I but it's only one night out in portland one night June 6 and 7th portland, seattle Come see me holler at me holler at the god holler at your girl lady All right, is that how the hip hopper say it? Yeah, 100 rip rap Um, all right, we got to go. I love you guys. Love you. I love you. What's our what's our out song? I was gonna play no I'm saying because I haven't heard it one. Oh, let's hear it. Yeah. Yeah, all right Bye jeans. Bye jeans. Love you

You know what I'm saying You know what I'm saying You know what I'm saying Oh Like it's normal family my mom mom You don't say you don't say Find that same french excellence. You don't say Mike. What's the mayor of no, I'm saying Who wants to be the mayor here we go

Like it's normal family You don't say you don't say You don't say right Do anyone understand You